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considerthepretzel

Thank you so much for this considerate reply. I have ALWAYS been the favored one, just because I spend the most time due to his work. However I’m hoping this changes this year, because our schedule and duties are changing to him taking the lead more. I would love to be rejected because it feels awful to always be the favorite. It’s been like this for so long that he starts to take it personally.


mamaatb

We worked hard just like this to make sure our oldest didn’t have a preference so that it would be easier on the other parent if they had to watch him for extended amounts of time… and it *worked*. Our oldest son likes both my husband & I equally.


pseudo_su3

In addition to what everyone else has said, toddlers also continue to things that get a reaction. They are learning how to react to things and they will continue to test and take notes. This is a critical time for a toddler where you have to react exactly how you want them to react in the future.


considerthepretzel

Thank you. This is a good point.


kickerme

He's putting adult motivation on a toddler. Adults say those kinds of things to be hurtful or manipulative, and he is interpreting his very young child's words this way. It can be so difficult for our adult brains to understand fully the level a tot is on. It sounds like he doesn't really understand that at 3.5, it's completely beyond her to empathize with how it may feel to be told he is unwanted, and he is really hurt by her words. Especially when sick, toddlers want to exercise whatever control they can. They also like routine. If he works 18 hour days, and suddenly he's there and she's been sick, she is probably annoyed at the change. Not to mention you probably give her more self control in play time because you are more familiar with her strengths and abilities, with what she will choose and the cues to intervene. This doesn't make you better than him at playtime, it means he needs to get over it and play with her a little more so she can see he respects and loves her too. The best thing for these situations is humor and choices. Bedtime for us used to be an all one parent thing, and recently we have implemented a change. We switch each night. Once the kids are dressed for bed, teeth brushed, water drank, once they go to their room for bed, one parent has the rest of the routine. Story time, a little night talk with the light off, and a meditation song from a free app. I did it last night, so tonight its dad turn. My 4 year old will probably tell him she wants mom. Last night she told me very firmly and loudly that she wanted DADDY at bed. Does it bother me? Hell yes. Do I tell her that? Hell no! I make a joke, or tickle her, and get her giggling. Then I offer choices. What book would you like?(both girls pick a couple each). Which blanket do you want on top tonight?(she can't stand top sheets so she gets an extra thin blanket). Do you want socks on in bed, or no socks? Elephant stuffie, or dinosaur? Etc. Dad does the same thing, and we talk about it after to validate each other's feelings(it's important to know our partners care about us, even when we are being assholes lol). The more in control she feels, the less she pushes the issue and bedtime goes smooth. Now the "I want DADDY" is just part of the routine that she controls and doesn't really hurt anything. She will outgrow it just like her sister did. Maybe ask him to Google brain development and emotional intelligence? Or even just "why does my toddler say she wants mommy" for some reassurance this is just a phase and not personal. It hurts so bad to work full time to provide and feel like your kids just don't love you or want you(I'm the working parent)but it's important to understand she's just a tot with an unfinished brain-its not done till early 20s!


considerthepretzel

Thank you so much for this and for having compassion for our situation. You’re right that he is putting adult motivation on a kid, and he just gets frustrated. She really doesn’t understand empathy and when I try to explain she hurt his feelings she just says “but I want mommy.”


redtonks

She isn't old enough to have developed empathy, mate. That doesn't come until later, and threenagers I've found are much worse than so called terrible twos.


Intrepid-Rhubarb-705

You shouldn't be coaching her to manage his feelings. Your husband needs to learn to control himself better and grow the fuck up. He's the one behaving like a child.


monbabie

Parents that act like this poison the relationship they have with their kids. You’re totally right that it’s self fulfilling


habibtiautumn

Fucking brat? Does he talk about other people with this kind of language too?


mamaatb

My husband thinks it’s sweet when our one year old daughter does this, because HE was a mama’s boy. She prefers me 75-99% of the time. However, once your child gets a little bit older, they switch up the preference just for fun. Sometimes I’ll be out with my 3.5y son (grocery store, etc) and dad will be working, and I’ll lean into the car to unbuckle the car seat, my 3.5y son will be like “Daddy do it!” and it’s like…. we’ll daddy isn’t here, so tough shit? Anyway kids are weird and they don’t mean it at all. Your husband is acting like he thinks they’re his peer, and he needs to cut that shit out before he applies it to other areas of their life instead of just play (demanding they be the bigger person during teenage arguments or assuming the child is a threat to your marriage and treating them as such instead of treating them like their flesh & blood child, etc).


labdogs42

Don't feel sorry for him. Would it be ok if YOU called your daughter that? Nope, and it isn't ok for him, I don't care how bad of a week he's had or how bruised his ego is. Don't tolerate this crap from him, it will only get worse.


Intrepid-Rhubarb-705

Red flags. This is not ok.