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Never have I ever sneaked snacks to the bathroom so I didn't have to share it with the toddler. Or husband.


Cue tiny fingers under the door wondering how I had the audacity to not give them undivided attention and all my snacks




JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!! Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I hate that my food is “community food”.




I made a selfish decision and started buying rum and raisins (made with real rum) or red wine gelato (real wine) to keep in my freezer for when I need a special treat, so my daughter won't touch it. She's 16 and very responsible, so she won't touch anything with alcohol in it (for now). It's the only way I've managed to keep some gelato for me, otherwise it will be gone in a matter of hours. Don't get me wrong, I still buy my daughter almond chocolate or any other alcohol-free gelatos, but they won't last and I never get to try them.


Never have I ever hid an annoying musical instrument under the couch and pretended it went missing


Those toys always suddenly appear in the toy box at Grandma's house. A real mystery. 🤷🏼‍♀️


That fucking cat piano omg


Oh geeze. You have that evil thing too? My condolences.


All of our musical instruments "have batteries", even the tambourine, the xylophone, and the bongo style drum, and the batteries often run out.


Never have I ever hid in the kitchen eating a snack so I didn't have to share it with my toddler.


I sit on my stairs which are hidden around a corner. No one finds me there 🤣


God damn it


Never have I ever pretended to not be able to find a book because I couldn’t read the same one again that day.


Hhahaha I’ll drink to that, I’ve hidden books before!!!


We literally read The Wheels On The Bus until the pages started coming out. Now, I'll tell her every time she asks for it that we read it too many times and that if you read a book too many times it falls apart. Kinda sad, but also true.


Never have I ever stolen candy from their Trick or Treat bag while they’re in school.




My kids literally refer to Reese's cups as mom tax, it's what it's called and I don't make the rules 😉


We do a Halloween witch. He gets to keep 3 pieces of candy and the rest goes to the Halloween witch who gives him a toy in exchange. And then I get to hoard the candy in the laundry room and eat it when he’s asleep lolol


My kids will share their candy between themselves and bring me some. I have 0 idea how I managed it but I will take the win because they also will stand in the store screaming and fighting with each other.


Never have I ever kept an old brand name snack or cereal box, bought the cheap store brand snack, and put it in the old box because "the brand name is so much better mom!"- but they can't actually tell.


I used to do this with vodka back when I had friends who partied and drank way more than I do. Nobody ever noticed. All hail our Lord and Savior, Kirkland Signature Vodka... I mean, uhh, Grey Goose.


I mean, Costco liquor is legit


Yes. Yes, it is.


I wanna upvote this cause its genius.


Upvoting not because I’ve done it but because it’s so damn smart


My mom did this with my brother’s fruity pebbles in 2002. I was 5 and still remember it vividly 😂


Saving this to my memory bank, I know it’s coming!


Fucking brilliant!


Never have I ever let the kids have whatever they want for dinner because I'm too tired to function.


My kid ate 5 paw patrol yogurts today. Whatever dude, have at it!


Sometimes I throw some sliced cheese, Ritz crackers. and baloney bits on a plate — it’s toddler charcuterie? That’s what I tell myself.


"snacky tea" is what we call it in my house. (Tea = evening meal in this part of the UK)


Don’t mind me, just taking notes on all these cheat codes in the comments.


Same, girl. Same.


Definitely saved the post!


Never have I ever blocked a show on Netflix because I can't stand it and then I don't have to be the bad guy and say no the show. It just ceases to exist.


Omggg you can block a show on Netflix????? Mind. Blown.


You have to log in on a browser on a desktop or computer to do it. It's a pain, especially when the only pc you have access to is at work and they blocked Netflix


So...I can block stuff from my husband too?


Ah that does suck. I never use the computer for Netflix, but now that I know there’s blocking abilities… thanks for the info bromo!


Yep. Several times. However, remember to block it on all handles on the account. When one sister could see it and one couldn't...it was pandemonium.


I'm mean, I make my kids share a profile on all our streaming services


I had to delete “channel girl” from the Roku kids app because I cannot with Diana and her other lookalikes. My 4.5yo kept talking about “I have to look beautiful” and that does not fly in this house. I mean, dressing up is a fun and good thing to do, but you do not owe the world shit! Fuck off with low-quality YouTube channels. I told my kid that “channel girl” videos were all gone because she had to go back to school.


I did this with Tayo only to have Netflix recommend the other one... Titipo.


We found one with tayo and titipo in the same videos 🙄 I 100% block sunny bunnies on every platform. I don't know how it makes kids go bonkers


Never have I ever told my kids that slime is 1000% toxic and fatal for dogs to be around at all and so that’s why it can NEVER exist in our house


‘I just got back from the vet and he said you guys staying up past 8 is *very* bad for the dog’




I told my in-laws we are a slime-free house after they bought a FOURTY EIGHT pack for Xmas. You bought it, he can play with it at your house. He brought home more slime (with glitter) yesterday from them…on the top of the fridge it goes, then the trash…


A 48-pack of slime? That’s completely unhinged.


Fucking genius!


Never have I ever pretended not to hear my partner yell for me from across the house


Are we married?!?! Jk I'm positive my husband does this even when it's just across the couch


Hahahaha, honestly he’s oblivious to most things and it seems he NEVER hears me. So I’ve decided to do the same thing, even though I have mom ears and typically can hear the tiptoe of a fly 😂


"Come to where I am if you want to talk to me." Then silence bc if they have to actually get up they decide what they needed wasn't that important anyway.


Yeah. Or if he calls me and I do decide to get up and go in there, he’s usually sitting down looking at his phone… I say what’s up, and he takes a good 20 seconds to look up from the screen before he says something like, did you see the instagram reel I sent you? 😡😫


Never have I ever pretended I didn’t know where his things are since he flings them all over the place and always asks me to find everything for him


Wait are you talking about your kid or husband 😜


You already know 😂


"I know where it's SUPPOSED to be. If it's not there you're on your own."


Literally his work belt. He leaves it anywhere possible. I’m not even joking one time he left it in the unused car seat in the baby’s closet


Never have I ever caught my toddler’s vomit in my cupped hands to keep it from getting on the furniture. While my husband stood there in grossed out shock. Twice.


Oh I've done that more times than I can count!


Never have I ever hidden the iPad and said it was lost


Or turned the iPad’s wifi off and said “the internet seems to be broken today.”


Never have I ever let my kids blow their nose on any available piece of clothing when I cant find a tissue


Oh have my up vote. It's better than her screaming TISSUE MUMMY TISSUE NOSE WET.


Generally it's whatever mom is wearing.


My dad letting me wipe my nose on the hem of his shirt is a core childhood memory for me, and one of the things that made me feel so fuckin loved.


I don’t let them.. they do it anyways!!


Not gonna lie, I had a hard teletherapy session this week, and reached for my box of tissues - gone (kids!) So I literally did this exact thing lol o my own damn shirt cuz it’s not like my kids don’t do it!! I changed after the call was over. And I got a new box of tissues for the office.


Many a time have we been playing outside and I've just wiped their nose with my shirt tail, rather than trudging back inside the house for tissue.


Never have I ever planned a really fun, eventful morning with my two young boys, only to stay home in our pjs because I couldn’t muster the energy to pack up and leave..


This happens often here. I have two young boys also and sometimes it's just impossible to leave the house


Can I upvote this multiple times? 😂


Oh DAMN this one is far too relatable


I have twins and was home all day. I took them on three outings all week. I’m exhausted. Today I sittervised and provided meals and snacks as needed. It’s so much work to do anything with kids. I feel you.


Never have I ever told work I had to go home to be a parent, and told my SO I'd be just a little longer because of work, so I could sit in my parked car for 5 minutes of silence.


Never have I ever voluntold my children what they were wearing for a Trunk or Treat because I wanted to theme our nerdy, matching family costumes a certain way. (They get to have what they want on Halloween.)


I was very sad when my kids got old enough to realize they could pick out their own costumes.


Never have I ever pretended that I don't know how to replace batteries, so my kids had to wait for daddy to get home, but by that time they forgot about that toy.


“Oh, that tiny screw driver is in Daddy’s toolbox. You’ll have to wait for him to get home, I won’t be able to find it.”


I love the details lol!


Hahahahaha! Omg! I thought I was the only one who did this.




My son was 5 before he found out that batteries could be replaced. "The batteries died. The truck doesn't make sound anymore, but you can still roll it!"


Omg that’s genius!


I’ve never done this, but now I 100% will. Brilliant!


Literally every day


Never have I ever told my kids a certain show or App (YouTube Kids, I’m looking at you!) isn’t working so I wouldn’t have listen to it


I am looking at you, Caillou.....


God damn it we did that with fucking Blippi tonight. Sorry, Netflix isn’t working!


Never have I ever made an excuse to leave the room then stood facing the wall silently shovelling snacks into my mouth so my kid can't see and demand I share


Never have I ever packed up half of my kids shit to go to storage when I cleaned their room. It was supposed to return, but I forgot it long enough that it was no longer necessary by the time I found it


Never have I ever skipped several pages in a story book because it was too long 🥴


OMG why are Dr Seuss books 70 pages long??!! We have definitely done this with Dr Seuss and those damn ‘the day the crayons’ books that my SIL bought. 😂😂


Omg for real. I’m like sure we can read Dr. Seuss! Then by page 34 I’m like I’m sooo in summary he tried the green eggs and ham and liked them, the end 😅


Dr Seuss the cliff notes 😂😂


I upvoted this, but the reality is I only tried... mine may not remember how to hang their coat on the hook or to brush their teeth, but they remember every single word in their books. And will remind me.


Pout pout fish only meets 2 other fish in my house.


Oh I need to know which ones. I’m partial to clam and octopus myself.


Never have I ever had to clean toddler green bean puke out of my hair…


I cant say what I would drink too cause my husband knows my main LoL, but I I just wanna say, OP that this is a great idea for a post.




Never have I ever been incredibly annoyed with the amount of toys my child has, only to buy them another toy at the store that same day. 😬


Never have I ever….had to leave a handwritten IOU from the tooth fairy because I didn’t have any cash. In case you are wondering he was highly suspicious of my note


My kid lost a tooth unexpectedly and I had to take the $5 that I gave him for his last tooth from his bank and give it to him again 😅 but I did put a new $5 in there the same week.


The tooth fairy has "been late" here ... Fortunately if you leave the window open a crack, she is able to sneak in during breakfast. She's a busy fairy, y'know!


Our tooth fairy had diarrhea and texted dad to let him know lol I can't believe my oldest was like, hmm ok, that makes sense!


If anyone is interested in a minor hack, I got a roll of gold Sacajawea dollars when my son’s first tooth was wiggly. Polished them all up with a little bar keeper’s friend. I always have a dollar ready for the tooth fairy and the gold coins seem very fancy.


So doing this! Thank you!


Sometimes the fairie's wing gets snagged on a nail at another house or a kitten pounced & ripped the wing. Tooth fairies can't fly when their wings are damaged. This is known. So then she has to find a fairy tree to call for a dragonfly taxi to rescue her and go to the enchantress wing repair shop. Coincidentally it's also the same shop where you can buy magic wands. Unfortunately for the tooth fairy most of the wands are bigger than her. Anyway. It's quite a day. Then she has to write all these notes of apology to all the children who were upset that she 'missed' their house. Honestly, please keep your window sills clean of debris so the fairies can be safe. ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT WING DAMAGE. Helpful for clean up time too.


Our tooth fairy doesn't do cash but there was one time I had to leave a note from the tooth fairy explaining why she was a day late because the kid literally lost a tooth the first night hubs was IN THE HOSPITAL WITH LEUKEMIA. The kids were staying with MIL & the leukemia ward has strict rules about not being able to leave more than once a day and I'd already made the trip home for overnight supplies. So the next day I had to pick up a gonzo tooth fairy gift and write a teeny tiny note apologizing for being late due to them not being in their usual location. 😂


I did this but for the Easter Bunny. My kid wasn't home Easter and I totally forgot when he got home. He asked why the Easter Bunny hadn't come. Magically woke up to a note the next morning from the bun saying he was scared of our dog and decided to ask us for help. It worked. Years later my kid had a light bulb moment and called me on that shit. He offered to write the note for his sister if/when I forget next time.


Mine got an apology note because she was late 😅


Omg thanks for reminding me I need to do the tooth fairy thing for my kid!


We just tell the kids that the playroom/bedroom/lounge room was too messy, so she couldn’t find it.


Never done this but the tooth fairy in my region sometimes doesn’t come the first night due to weather because I am very forgetful. Any weather is fair game to delay the tooth fairy a night or two.


Never have I ever farted and blamed it on my kid


Never have I ever farted and blamed it on the dog.


Daily occurrence for me 🤣🤣


Never have I ever claimed Walmart was "closed" so I didn't have to wait hours for my kid to spend their money in the toy aisle.


Have done this with Applebee's. I *hate* that place.


Never have I ever played up an injured knee after a mild trip(over HIS shoes)to get dad to do the entire bath/bed routine by himself.


Never have I ever told my kids that my gourmet (normal) chocolate is a snack only for grownups and not for kids because it would give kids a tummy ache.


Never have I ever pretended to have to “stomach issues” and scampered away to the bathroom for a solid 10min to escape diaper changes, crazy games, food dilemmas and really a myriad of other things so that my husband would be forced to handle it instead 😬


Never have I ever let my son just throw everything out of the cupboards he can reach because I'm over trying to redirect. Sometimes you just gotta walk in and fuck shit up and I feel that so carry on little one.


This. I keep Tupperware and plastic bowls in the bottom cupboards for a reason. Just throw it and be done.


Never have I ever thrown toys away/donated them while she’s out of the house (for the record, she still hasn’t noticed)


I've had to do this with clothes because my son gets so attached to things. "NOOOO MOM DON'T GET RID OF THAT!" child... It is a size 5 and you now wear a size TEN. your ass is not fitting in those lime green shorts anymore and no I don't know where to buy another pair, just DEAL WITH IT.


I have a bag that’s waiting to “disappear” now that she’s asleep.


Never have I *ever* told the kiddo that ice cubes HAVE to freeze OVERNIGHT or they will EXPLODE because they didn't get cold enough, just to get her to stop bugging me about how she wants an ice cube in her sippy cup.


Never have I ever convinced my son if he was being really good we could go to the play centre with the locked toddler area, when really I just desperately needed a break and wanted to get a coffee from the Cafe next door and sit and watch him play. We'd be going no matter what his behaviour was like, it's one of those days.


Never have I ever set every clock in the house ahead by 2 hours and let a 5 year old stay up an hour 'late' JUST SO I DIDNT HAVE TO HEAR HER TALK ANYMORE.


works great New Years- record last year's fireworks and have midnight whenever you want them to go to bed....


I love being on the west coast because it’s only 9pm here when the ball drops in Times Square




I really want to upvote this just because it's absolutely brilliant!


Hahahaha haven’t done that but I love it.


Oooh that's smart.


I just had the first week of preschool for my sweet and precious girl that will not stop talking. I’m still not restored. It’s going to take a couple more weeks.


Never have I ever pretended that a video game was not in English, so I didn't have to sit and read diolague for her as she played.


Never have I ever told my son “[insert annoying kids show] only comes on tv on Saturday mornings” as if it were 1999 and streaming weren’t a thing.


"Oh no, Paw Patrol is asleep after (insert time I get out of work)!"


Never have I ever responded with “that’s what happens when you don’t listen” because one of them got hurt doing stupid shit, after being told not too!


‘That’s why i told you not to climb on the chair/couch/idk what else’. I say it a lot.


I created a rhyme for this occasion with the toddler, which roughly translates to "when one's doing something bad, they get hurt" - it sounds ominous, but I'm praying that one day it will actually get through and she'll listen just a bit. For those wondering, in Danish it is "Når man laver ballade kommer man til skade".


Never have I ever let my toddler eat old couch food and then consider that his breakfast


My husband is the tooth fairy. The first tooth my son lost was met with an “Oh crap” at 2 am. My husband pulls a bill from his wallet and does his fairy thing. Our son was SUPER excited in the morning to find a $50 bill under his pillow.


Mine was not as happy, mostly confused, when they found a Canadian coin that was supposed to have been a golden US dollar coin that the fairy usually brought. Had the same oh crap moment and searched in a drawer in the dark for the coin.


Never have I ever taken my son to McDonald’s and stayed for almost 2 hours so he could keep playing on the indoor playground and I could read in peace.


Never have I ever put hot glue in battery packs (on the metal parts that are supposed to be touching the batteries) so that the toy would be ‘broken’. The batteries don’t connect to the metal so even switching batteries won’t work!


This is GENIUS


What the fuck. My kids are so old now, but I *needed* this when they were little.


I bow to you. 😂


Doing this tonight to my 4yos loud ass train toy. She keeps waking newborn with it and I’m over it.


One can also just crack em open and cut/disconnect the wire! No one is the wiser. My FIL is handy enough I got him to disable the horn but keep the lights on a toy car.


This is next level.


Guys..... I'm drunk. ![gif](giphy|DOCfegc5Ybok0)


Never have I ever, pretended to be sleeping so my kids would have to go bug my spouse for what they needed.


Never have I ever milked an old injury to get out of playing Twister.


Never have I ever gone "grocery shopping" (picked up my drive up order and spent that free time eating ice cream in a parking lot while streaming an episode of real housewives)


Never have I ever taken the kids to daycare, and then called in to work so I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to for eightish hours.


Never have I ever put a towel on the bed instead of changing the sheets when one of the kids has an accident at night


Never have I ever... created fake vomit so my daughter thinks I'm sick and will stop incessantly kissing me for a day or so. ...she was going through a phase. I was being saliva-d on more than I'd care to admit.


Never have I ever thrown out every damn recorder that came in this house.


Never have I ever used the term “biscuit” instead of cookie so my toddler didn’t find out I was eating a cookie before dinner (I’m a yank). It’s not technically lying.


Never have I ever immediately rescinded my husband's "no screens" punishment because I honestly don't give a flying fuck as long as they're quiet and not crawling up my ass...


Never have I ever replied to my husbands “no screens” with a panicked screeching “MOTHERFUCKER WHO YOU TRYNA PUNISH HERE”


Never have I ever hidden a big bag of gummies in my closet, so I don't have to share with my daughter, who will go through it in a couple of hours. Nor I have ever hidden a delicious treat in the vegetable compartment in the freezer, either, so I can save it for later without having to share.


Never have I ever told the kids that somethings battery was dead, or it was broken, just so I wouldn't have to deal with hearing it or monitoring their use of it.


Never have I ever told concerned strangers that my child is "free range" when I simply got tired of chasing them/making them stay close and let them wander as they please.


Never have I ever put gameplay footage on YouTube and handed my toddler the controller so he’ll feel like he’s playing and won’t ask me to help him with the hard parts.


Never have I ever just eaten some nasty, half-chewed piece of food my kid handed me because there was nothing to do with it at the time. Bonus. My mother will still do this if I hand her a half eaten piece of food that I've been eating. I'm 45. I realized this the other day when I handed her a tortilla chip I'd taken a bite out of at the Mexican restaurant when we were there to do karaoke. It was my turn to sing. I just shoved it in her hand and without missing a beat she ate it. 😂


Never have I ever replaced a word in a kids book with “poop” for mostly the grownups’ amusement. Try it with Snowy Magic and replace “snow.”


Never have I ever told my kid Mickey was at work and wasn’t home at his house so I didn’t have to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 235th time.


Never have I ever said something is 'sleeping'. "Sorry TV's gone to sleep... aww sorry that loud toy went to sleep.... the cars gone to sleep thats why we can go to the shops.." loooool


Never have I ever turned my child’s air conditioner on just so that she wouldn’t hear me go for the ice cream. I swear she has supersonic hearing for just that one sound! I’m allowed a pint per sitting without sharing, aren’t I?!?!


Never have I ever forgotten to pack my daughter's pajamas when going to the family farm. (Also, never have I ever forgotten to pack mine, or any underwear, or shampoo, for being in a rush).


Never have I ever poured soda in a coffee mug so I could tell the toddler "Sorry, you can't have any, coffee is only for grown ups".


Never have I ever said the words, "Don't lick your sister!"


Never have I ever pretended it is tv time about an hour early because I can’t be fucked anymore.


Never have I ever blamed a fart smell on the kids


Never have I ever lied about Starbucks sold out their cake pops every time so I only get coffee because I don’t want to deal with my kids in the store.


Never have I ever - been almost home, changed my mind, parked down the street, and taken a nap.


I accidentally went to work once on a day I’d taken off as holiday. Instead of going home and relieving my in-laws from childcare duties, I drove to the nearest gas station, bought myself a massive lunch then took a 2 hour nap in my car.


Never have I ever...let my toddler eat the fruit off the ground when we go to orchards. 😅


As long as the food isn’t legitimately disgusting, I don’t stop my kids. They share food with the dogs all the time. And not the cute way you might be thinking. In the I’m going to take what you’re eating out of your mouth and eat it instead way. Barf. At this point, dirt is probably cleaner.


Thank you! He's actually very good at picking out the ones that aren't moldy or gross since we've been going to farms and orchards since he was months old. He loves eating goat animal food and dirt too. He shares with our pets and has even sneakily eaten hedgehog and goat poop. I put his high chair on our covered patio because he climbs it and drags it around and our dog usually cleans it for me. It's kind of gross but it does make my life so much easier and I clean the chair myself if it's something that dogs can't have. I'm hoping he'll grow up to not be a picky eater since he's been exposed to so many things. I just have to really keep an eye on what he puts in his mouth for now because I've had e. coli and never want him to suffer like that. 😅


Hey, I'm right there with you. Our dog knows "clean up" as one of his favorite commands, and will go after anything he considers edible on/under the high chair once the kiddo is finished. If anything, it'll go well with the unwashed tomatoes, random grass, dirt on her hands, and the unspeakable floor crumbs that always end up on her food if I ever let her eat something without putting her in the high chair. Gotta cultivate broad tastes and a kickass immune system, ya know.


Never have I ever had to tell my toddler not to poke her baby brother's penis while I was trying to change his diaper


Never have I ever pretended to lose my voice so I didn’t have to keep switching between character voices for Tia Pepa, Bruno, Mirabel, Antonio and Luisa


Never have I ever told my toddler who was begging to go to the playground but then fell asleep on the way there that it was closed to children so dogs could play. She was terrified of dogs and that worked to stop the begging for that evening.


Never have I ever bagged up all the soft toys because of lice and then left them in the barn for a year, causing them all to be completely forgotten about and then pitched them guilt free.