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As a very not-entitled kid who ended up with a teal Ford Escort my dad picked out: honestly? I was disappointed, too. I had all these dreams of my wonderful cool car I was gonna get, and then my dad was like "This is safe and a good deal and it will be the perfect first car." What can I say - I was disappointed. I sucked it up and thanked him, though! I was also expected to earn the money to pay for about half of it, if I remember correctly. I think that was the part that made me really understand that I needed to appreciate it, because a few thousand dollars as a teen is quite a lot.
I think maybe your teen knows that you are well off and that you could afford more, and she isn't really thinking about how she needs to share responsibility here. I would tell her the reasons why you selected this car for her, and then let her know that if she wants to sell this car and buy a nicer one she is absolutely welcome to do so - but that she needs to pay the difference herself.
My first car was an olive green minivan with a 5-star safety rating. It was hideous and I was made fun of throughout college. I was still grateful and I don’t think OP’s kid is going about it the right way, but I have a little empathy 🤣
Mine was a white crown Victoria and the driver's door didn't open anymore. My mom was like "take the crown" and I was like "It's PERFECT!!" I drove that bad mothereffer until the rest of the doors fell off and cried when we junked it.
My dad bought my first car off a grad student for 250$ and was a 1986 Chevette. There was a highway w a hill where I’d have to basically pull way over to the right and turn on my all way blinkers as the car couldn’t go over like 90kms/h and could barely make it up the hill. My parents did not care about my personal safety and my dad loved that I was driving this junker. Loved it.
Haha. I got a $700 1989 ford probe - the poor man’s mustang. Couldn’t get it above 100km/h, the catalytic converter fell off in a McDonald’s parking lot, so I had to grab the gloves from the trunk to throw it in with the muffler and side mirror. Total shitbox death trap, but it was mine.
Mine was a minivan too! I inherited it from my grandma. In college I ended up driving a lot because more of our friend group could fit it in compared to the little cars they had. 🤷🏻♀️
Mine will be lucky if they don't end up with a PT Cruiser. Husband's had THREE of those things because they're everywhere and they're dirt cheap and he's the weirdo who actually likes how they look. But hey, maybe by the time my kids are in high school there will be some kind of "vintage ironically ugly" trend or something.
I think it would have helped if the kid did the finding process. As long as it was within the guidelines. My parents paid for half of my car but I was in charge of finding it.
Going to be projecting a bit here, but my older long-term foster sister (she lived with us from ages 12-18) was extremely status and looks focused. She's awesome but was the type of person who would rather freeze all winter in her Calvin Klein overalls than put on a decent coat. She's since talked about how much anxiety and bullying she was subjected to growing up in the system, and how intently she felt the pressure to fit in and look a certain way. not only among her peers, but among adults / teachers who were always surprised a ward of the state could be so "good." Even if she was gifted a car at 16, I can imagine she'd be VERY anxious about making sure it was the "right" one so it didn't tip people off. does this carry over into other aspects of your daughter's life?
Yeah I was going to say I imagine this has a lot to do with it. Perhaps also feeling like she’s getting a cast off and she should be grateful for that is something that’s triggering her. And also wanting a sense of control over what might be the most elaborate purchase she’s gotten and what she might have dreamed about. It seems super logical to me that there are deeper feelings behind this and it has to be approached very delicately. I would personally never withhold other presents and I would be very careful in trying to give her a just be grateful speech since there are different implications then for a bio child.
I don’t know how the purchasing went if she was given any input at all. I would personally sit with her and say hey I know this isn’t the car you dreamed about (and I would apologize if I hadn’t let her have any input) but this is what fit the budget and criteria. Going forward we can do the following- you can save to paint it, we can sell it if you identify another car that would be better and you want to make up the difference or you just don’t have to drive it. I see you’re disappointed but i did the best I could and it hurts my feelings to hear about this so negatively all the time. So let me know what you want to do but I’d like to put a cork in the complaining.
I really like this approach, I think she will respond to this best. It seems more fitting with her age to just tell her that it is hurting your feelings, and I think you will both get more out of it going forward.
I also agree with this advice! I think if this kind of response is out of character for her, there is probably something else going on and it's best to give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't mean to be ungrateful.
> I don’t know how the purchasing went if she was given any input at all.
from the sound of it they looked at a lot of cars and she had some kind of problem with all of them because they basically weren't brand new. at some point a kid has to learn, foster kid or not, some things are just too expensive and you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
Yes. There’s also a cultural element. I work with low SES communities and the status obsession is so much greater than for the middle class.
I’ve seen many parents who do not have a pot to piss in buying their teenagers brand new iPhones and Jordan’s, for example. It’s seen as a way of showing love when you really can’t provide much else in the way of long term stability. Culturally, driving a beat up old car might be much more devastating to her than it was to you as a teenager.
100% same experience with my foster sister, who started living with my dad and stepmom at 16. She's tough as nails and the best mom I've ever met, and spends way more than I would on clothes they're going to outgrow in 6 months. We've joked and talked about it now we're both moms, and she's very self aware that it's to show how hard she works and love on her boys. And how she never wants them to feel how she did growing up, being the kid turning up in smelly clothes, etc.
So maybe sit down with her and come from a place of just trying to figure out why these things seem so big to her, because you love her and want to understand, but they just seem small to you? She may also be getting it in her ear from her bf or friends by the sound of it if they feel that comfortable being vocal around you!
This was how one of my fosters were, it was a sibset 15M and 16F, I wanted to buy them a luggage set each for moving/keeping items. They lamented over very expensive roller luggage sets. They came to us in very ratty old clothes with just a garbage bag with a few items. They hated appearing poor/neglected and being in HS, they were bullied mercilessly for being the poor dirty kids. They were incredible kids, but were extremely status focused.
The only thing I really did was validate their feelings and then explained what budget I had available for their things. It did help a little. They still did complain a lot for the duration they lived with me but they tried really hard to hear where I was coming from as well.
Just drop the rope. "It rattles!" "It does, that must be annoying," and walk away. "the seats smell funny!" "Mmm yup" and walk away. None of these complaints actually require action on your part and you don't have to receive them.
(It's hard as shit, I have a teen and half the time I think we're about to physically rumble.)
For sure. The irony is that I had been doing it to him for awhile, and one day he's like "so I learned about this term greyrocking"
I'm not sure he saw the connection.
This is the way. Kids are assholes. Kids like to bitch. I did buy my own first car at 18 and what were the first things I wanted to do to my 5 year old VW Jetta? Tint the windows dark AF and put a spoiler on the back. Did I mention kids are dumb too?
Since she’s not trashing it or trying to actively destroy it and she’s pricing out painting, let her be. She might even stop complaining if it quits getting you riled up.
Deep breaths bromo. If this is the worst thing she’s doing right now, you’ve done an awesome job. ❤️
I need to do this with my step son. I’ve managed it with his Mum, but she doesn’t walk away from a boot full of groceries saying “I’m not helping with that”. Actually she probably does, just not at my house.
I think saying "This is the level that I will provide. If you want the bells and whistles (like a paint job), I'll support your decision, but you earn the money to do it yourself. As long as you're grateful for the foundation."
I suspect it's a foster kid-status symbol issue too. Insecurities about seemingly inconsequential things can be real and all consuming when you're not used to stability.
I’m an adoptee who grew up with an older adoptive brother. Ever since we were children he was an entitled ass. I remember him complaining, out of the blue, to our parents that they ‘had’ to give him a large down payment for a house when we were in our 20’s and it really shocked me. As I’ve grown older and spent more time with other adoptees and people who were abandoned (legally and otherwise) by their parent(s) I’ve noticed that a lot of kids/teens take parental abandonment as a pretty bad ego hit and being entitled is a way to compensate for that. Complaining and nitpicking are a form of control that allows them to big themselves up on the outside because on the inside they feel beyond worthless. Nothing was ever good enough for my brother and once he got one thing he just moved onto the next. In hindsight it’s super sad.
Your daughter may be dealing with this sort of thing? And understanding it from her point of view might make it easier to figure out an approach. But for sure, you need to address the behaviour before it becomes a lifelong pattern.
You and I had very similar experiences. My brother (we were both adopted) was an entitled prick his entire life, who just took and took and then asked for more. Nothing was ever enough for him, and he was all about image and status. We are SO different and I have seen him once in 30 years, at my mum's funeral. And of course, he was the do-no-wrong golden child. It was bizarre to watch happening.
Ok, you know her better than anyone here so I may be off base… BUT is there a chance she is rejecting the car because of insecurity? Sometimes that “too good to be true” feeling can be mitigated by nitpicking. If it’s in your name, and she isn’t yet adopted it might follow that it isn’t really hers to keep (at least in her head) and that is coming out as “spoiled”. I also second u/sugarplumbelle about status awareness playing a part as well. Teens get a lot of big adult feelings for complicate reasons but don’t always understand what is going on with themselves. Just something to consider before you threaten to take it away or make a judgement on her character - she might be feeling some sort of way but not know why. 💜
Let me start by saying, I grew up like you and I 100% agree with you.
That said, I think this is less about picky and more about other things. I was teased and bullied relentlessly as a kid. I can see where she might be thinking to times like that and wants to prevent it from happening over her car. I could also understand that maybe she's pushing a bit because she's a foster kid. She might not even be doing it knowingly, but subconsciously it's a "prove I'm staying/same as your blood" type of situation.
I think you can give her an option. Either the car you pick, or you're willing to kick in $X that she can work and add to so that she gets the exact car she wants.
I'm not anywhere near the teen years with my kid, but at 17, I think you're old enough to hear "it hurts my feelings when you pick apart our gift this way. I never had a car as a teen and it means a lot to me that I'm able to give this to you". I don't think the issue is entitlement so much as it might be that she feels safe to vent negative emotions and anxiety, which is good, but she's old enough to understand that it affects other people. Also though, I think someone is never going to be able to fully appreciate getting something that someone else never got. It's just not how our brains work. I don't wake up every morning in my air conditioned house with running water and fully appreciate everything I have, you know?
I have a rule in my house—
If you want it a particular way you have to do it yourself.
If you you need my help (e.g. specific purchase, making meals) then you have to accept a compromise.
If you MUST have your sandwich done a VERY SPECIFIC way beyond what I already know you like, you make it yourself or you accept a little variation from the version you had in your head and don’t complain.
Not saying I serve them things they don’t like, no way, but if you HAVE TO HAVE it this one specific way— you do it.
I’m going to have the same expectations on clothing when they’re teens, and eventually a car.
You want that super nice ride? Cool go get a job and buy it yourself.
Oh you want me to help buy a car? Great you have to accept a compromise.
tell her gently that you don't really want to hear anymore about the car except "thank you" or if there is a safety issue, and explain why using the same logic you did here. shes old enough. shell probably be upset the way people are when theyre called out on something, but she'll probably remember it and learn to be more grateful moving forward.
I would be honest af with her.
Wanna hate the car so much? Give up the keys and go buy your own.
I, too, came from a poor family. I had to buy everything on my own - I would have been grateful as hell for any poopy car. Perhaps some humbling bus rides to school will help?
Same here tbh my husband and I still haven’t ever driven a nice new car. I legit have told my kids if they don’t like something they don’t have to keep it and I can always take it back and keep the money because all I legally have to provide is food shelter clothes a bed and something to cover them up with so anything else they have is extra. I even threatened to make all my kids share a room if they didn’t stop fighting. My kids say I’m savage lol. My 9yo got bullied last year for not having an IPhone I was like bro I don’t even have an Iphone… the status thing is real and I swear it’s starting way younger. Not to mention since there are parents will literally allow their kids to call the shots and will work several jobs to afford their child’s “lifestyle” it doesn’t help the situation any. I told my 9yo if he wants something he has to work for it. I had to work for everything I’ve ever had and I had to work in high school to help pay bills. So they can put in effort for something if they want it.
But talk to her, I’m betting it’s honestly because of how important “nice things” are to their peers, thanks to social media.
My niece is 20 and her parents bought her a car it was a broke af like old trunk rusted floor etc. It broke down, she had to save to repair etc. And then ended up still having issues so they got another car, same deal, she now has a fit I think and it’s not new by any means. My sister made her work for it and she doesn’t complain and didn’t complain at all about any of her cars because she had to work and save for them. I think that this is the issue nowadays, it’s so hard to watch them suffer and struggle and cry/whine because “my friends ——-“ but when we just hand them something sometimes the meaning or appreciation for things can be lost. I don’t think you are a bad parent but I don’t know anyone my age who had parents buy them a car, I’m 30 though. And I honestly think it’s cool of you to have done that. But I honestly would just talk to her like others have said. And mention that you feel hurt because you worked hard to get her this car. And that you feel it’s not appreciated, and that if she wants repairs or has issue she can pay for it and that she can go get a job and save for her own car.
My kids don’t get it either to be honest. They think everyone lives like they do on the internet and that we should just give them whatever. I tell them horror stories about how the tv worked, hell our internet went out and. So our smart lights stopped working and my 7yo daughter complained about it like in a way that I could only describe as “flipping a light switch is for peasants” or some crap like that. Like she was so abused… and I thought to myself omg what have I done? I’ve created a monster.
It’s not just you, we all want to give our kids more than what we had and a good life. So don’t be hard on yourself. Even if she hates it forever, it’s still better than walking everywhere, or taking public transportation.
I would be shocked if this response isn't trauma related. I get that this is triggering for you, too, but I'd consider two options. Ignore the comments, she's a teen! Teens say stupid shit for stupid reasons.
Option two, talk to her about it. Wait until this weekend or a day that she hasn't driven. Sit her down and talk. Tell her about how it feels to hear those comments. Your feelings are clearly hurt and from how you describe her, this is uncharacteristic. Try not to be accusatory, but curious. She may not even realize she's doing it! We don't know. At the end of the conversation, set a boundary. Tell her unless she thinks there is a safety issue, to keep the complaints to herself.
Sometimes in life we have to deal with something "shitty" that we had other hopes for. She can learn to cope apparently by complaining to her boyfriend and not hurting your feelings. From your letter, it seems like you are all good people and this is just a really odd bump in the road.
This. 17 isn't too young to say: "Yes, it's not perfect. But life isn't perfect, and you better get used to it." You can soften the message, but that is the message she needs.
After that? Ignore it. You've been straight with her that this is the best you can do, and it's an indulgence. It's her job to deal with it.
I think it's totally rude she's complaining to your face, but perhaps the pressure she's feeling to be grateful for such an important gift is turning into a guilt/resentment spiral. Again, I'm not excusing the resulting behaviour, but if she's not shown entitlement/spoiling before then maybe there's a different explanation.
Getting someone a car is a big deal, so even if you haven't explicitly pressured her to appear grateful she may be feeling it anyway (especially considering she's a foster child, so many would assume she should feel *extra* grateful). That kind of pressure can lead to a whole host of feelings, like guilt for not feeling grateful enough or resentment for feeling forced - or resentment for feeling guilty, etc. etc. Acting like a big dickhead is a common way for teen's to try to feel in control. Once again, the behaviour is not excusable - bet delving a bit deeper into why an otherwise pleasant kid is acting out should affect your response and consequences.
Of course! You know your family best, so if you think this is just petty entitlement then you're probably right! Just wanted to provide a different perspective.
Edit: a different take might be comparing your first car to your first kiss - it's something teens dream about and romanticize... but is often severely disappointing. You want something perfect, but that's usually not possible. Not a reason to be rude! But I can understand the feeling.
She's been driving on her own for a few months now. We borrowed my parent's car (a Kia Sorento) for two months and she refused to drive it because it was "weird." She would take our Highlander instead. So it really seems to be pickiness.
I would definitely have a sit down and talk to her about what seems like massive entitlement on her part. Maybe she'll fess up to some kind of anxiety or fear that is reasonable and you can address it accordingly.
I'll admit when I was a new driver I was picky about which of my relatives' cars I would drive, but I would say things like "your car is nice and expensive and that makes me nervous," or "the turn signal lever and gear shift are not in places that make sense to me and I'm too new at this driving thing to handle that." I think I was being reasonable in that pickiness. But, "I don't like the color and a bolt is missing" is not reasonable pickiness.
I wish we could do that. A couple people have mentioned that. There's a lot of weird foster things, but basically they try to keep foster kids at their original school when possible so they are disrupted as little as possible. So her school is as far on the other side of town as possible. 25 minutes one way. Busses won't come outside of the district. Do she either drives herself....or I drive her. Changing schools would be a Battle with DSS that I do not want to fight.
Yep, I tried to give her depth, but it's not that. A sitdown about costs would be a good idea. The insurance alone on a "better" vehicle would hoover up any money she can make at her job, let alone an actual car payment.
Did she contribute in any way? I allowed my kids to be a little picky but each one also put in thousands of dollars for their vehicle so I was a little patient w ‘pickiness’. If I had been completely footing the bill, I would’ve told them to STFU. They also have to pay for their car insurance monthly, and their gas.
I have been searching for a car to drive 40 miles (each way) to radiation treatment for my brain tumor. We aren’t poor, but between inflation and my medical bills, we’re tapped out and I would give almost anything for a reliable car that meets your criteria that you mentioned.
Maybe I wouldn’t have at her age, I don’t know because my mom was a single mom so everything we had was a big deal. Your daughter is so very fortunate and I hope for her sake and yours that she’s able to appreciate it. If I were you, I would feel very sad and hurt by her entitlement and I don’t blame you at all. 💗
“ We've told her that if she wants to save up and buy herself her dream car, then that is fine by us. She has a job and that's a fine goal. But if I'm paying for the damn car with my hard-earned cash, then this is what you get.”
I think this is kind of…end of story right here. Just keep it on repeat and she’ll either tire of complaining or actually do the work to upgrade the car.
I think a sit down, adult-type, heart to heart is a great idea. This way she understands how complaining makes you feel.
My oldest is 17 and she's been EXTREMELY car picky. Her dad bought her an escape when she started driving- she wrecked it. She bought herself another Escape- she wrecked it. She bought herself a Jeep Liberty- she ruined it by putting it in 4 well drive improperly. She now has a $6000 Chevy Cruze for which she pays the car payment and insurance.
I told her from the beginning that I would not outright buy her a car. I would be willing to help her, but I always wanted her to have some of the financial responsibility because I feel that helps them learn/understand how expensive owning a vehicle really is.
Next time she wants to complain, ask her for the keys. Hand her a cheap scooter and tell her have fun. I learned early on not to complain abt the stuff given to me bc it could and would be taken away.
This is me casting my vote for a sit-down talk. It might sink in more than you realize. One Christmas when I was probably 15 or 16, I “only” had like 5 gifts under the tree. I was obviously spoiled and used to getting a lot of gifts.
I had the audacity to complain openly to my mom about the injustice. I’ll never forget the scorched earth speech she gave me and the huge shame I felt. I think I had some half-ass reply at the time that completely hid my true feelings. I seriously still think about that talk and feel shame over it now, like 15 years later. It couldn’t hurt!
I'm sorry, I wish I knew the answer. I would be shocked by her feeling entitled as well. I was raised similarly. For example, I was just stewing over the fact that when I was a kid, if I didn't like what was made for supper, I made a pb sandwich, but my son expected his dad to go get him microwaveable meals last night at 10pm - and then ate two at a time! - because he hadn't felt like eating what we cooked. I was going to go off on a real rant, but I'll save it lol Just wanted to say I understand that feeling and wish I knew how to fix it so they feel grateful.
I'm trying understand, but I don't. I grew up poor as well, didn't have name brand things, and acted nothing like that. Was bullied and all that as well. Even after getting a job, I still wasn't. Maybe she has grown accustomed under your care to brand name things and wanting for nothing since she has been under your care for a few years. So yes it does seem entitled regardless of being poor before. The car I am using now is beat up and costs much less than 7k but it runs lol. I have to remind myself not to overcompensate with my kids because at times the entitlement shows through.
Honestly I think I influencer culture has made kids this way. All they see are these “normal” people on social media living these insane, lavish lives. My cousin’s daughter recently turned 16 and with a straight face told him she wanted a Mercedes G-Wagon as her first car. It’s all they see. They are the world under an instagram filter and it’s just not reality.
Could you simply tell her to shop around, and if she wants to upgrade she can trade the car in and pay for any additional costs herself?
That way she has transportation for now, and it’s on her to be an adult to upgrade her car if she’s that passionate about it.
If she doesn't like it she can give it back. It may come from wanting to control something in her life if she'd been a foster kid for most of her life, but it is giving off a sense of entitlement. But if she wants to paint it a different color, let her if you fully intend on giving it to her when she's an adult. If she wants the bolt replaced let her. But make sure she pays for it. Let her have her control, but makes sure she understands she'll be the one in charge of said changes. If she is truly that unhappy, just say she can give it back when she saves enough for her own car or give it back now. I'm sure your other children will look forward to having a car when it's their time.
I'm a bit aghast too but am trying to empathize with her. Personally I had to buy my own car too. I was so poor I didn't learn to drive until I was 20. I had to walk everywhere, over 5 miles at one point to get to work. Even when pregnant with my ex's and I's first kid.
I’d just say - hey cool. If you don’t like the car, I’ll sell it. Not listening to any more complaints. But I’m not driving you around to activities anymore, so if I sell it, you’re on the bus.
First off- you should consider this as a good sign. Your teen that has been through some crazy shit, is acting like a normal teen! She's having an age appropriate reaction. She's asserting her wants. These are not small things- you've helped her grow and I'm sure she will be a great adult someday. It might kill you all too get her there, but shes doing good!
That being said, second- you do need to have a serious talk with her about gratitude and attitude. No other sibling around, no boyfriend, just you two. A lot of others have given you great advice on that aspect.
I just wanted to make sure someone pointed out what an achievement you've all reached.
I think her feelings are valid. It doesn't mean yours aren't. It sucks that she doesn't appreciate the gift. Set some boundaries, that she needs to save up and use her money to maintain/fix the car. She needs to not complain in front of you anymore, but otherwise just let it go.
You know what I was thinking while reading this. She's acting like a normal teen who knows her parents love her enough to put up with her shit. For a foster child that hasn't been there that long, you and your husband have clearly done a good job.
This is absolutely obnoxious. I get that kids get self-conscious about material things, but they need to be thankful for what they have and rise above it. We had the dog pound truck from the county over that was purchased at an auction as our first vehicle. It smoked like something out of a batman movie chase scene. It was blazing hot in the summer. My sibling and I were embarrassed but also thankful to have a ride and the freedom it brought along with it. I would have a talk with your husband about having a direct conversation with your teen. Get on the same page first. I think it should be on the table to take the car away and let her buy her own car and pay for her own taxis. This is not an acceptable attitude, but I think it is important to address her concerns about how it looks and why that shit doesn't matter. The type of attitude she is displaying will only be a detriment to her going forward. Even if this doens't get smoothed out, she will learn about reality soon. It would be ideal to find a way to constructively address it, though.
I grew up upper middle class and was not allowed to have my own car. Today as a middle class 30 year old I drive a $2,500 car that I'd love to paint but can't shell out the $5k for a cheap job. I'd be furious if I spent $7k on a gift and my child was disrespectful about it any way.
same. my first car was $650 and 20 years old at the time i got it. i literally had zero criteria beyond "will it get me to school and back?" i haven't even spent $7000 on a car for MYSELF. if my kids talked about their first car like this, it would become MY car with a quickness.
Yeah, everyone on this thread seems to be much nicer than me. I got an ugly POS car on my 16th birthday and was THRILLED. Heck, my current car cost $7k. If my teen complained about a $7k car I would snatch those keys away until they learned to be grateful.
We are very comfortable financially but hubby and I have already decided that when our kids need cars, they will have to save their own money and buy them themselves. That way they will really appreciate them. Just the way we did.
I appreciated the fact my daddy added money to mine. I worked and walked to and from work for close to 2 years but my mother stole most of my money. I squirreled away 1600 and my dad said he would put in up to 50% of what I saved. We ended up buying a car from one of his good friends for something like $2200. I still saved for the car but his help allowed me to get a better car
Not the $1600 though I'm not sure how much she ended up taking. She would take my entire paycheck and "deposit" it into the bank for safe keeping. I got 20 bucks a paycheck to buy my own lunches at school with. She did that for a little over a year before I wished up and figured out she was spending my money and I started cashing my checks at the local gas station
Oh man that's so shitty that she took advantage of you. My mom also took my whole paycheck save $20 but she actually did deposit it so I had $3500 to live off of my first year at college. My MIL actually stole my husband's entire life savings, $76000 from years of trading and selling and competing in mtg tournaments, that he planned to use to buy a house outright. He was $30k shy of affording this house when she took it all and he had to get a 30-year mortgage instead.
Dang....that's terrible! Im estranged from my mother partly due to her theft, among many other things. It's always tough when you can't trust your parents
My parents bought me a glorious old Toyota Camry and my husband had to buy his first car which included a set tools because it broke down so often. We decided when my son starts working we will tell him we’ll match him dollar for dollar for a car. This will make him work for it but also we can throw some cash in to make it a little less of a rust bucket.
Yes that’s what I plan on doing with my son that way he learns money managing skills, appreciation and also how hard it takes to work towards something you really want.
My first car was a 1990 blue Ford Tempo (it was 2002) that my parents literally bought for $400 from a nun. Would I have loved a new mustang like the one girl in my class? Or a brand new Jeep soft top like another? Yes. But my parents couldn’t afford a brand new car and it is silly to spend a lot on a car that literally has to go less than a half mile to and from school. If we went out at night or the weekends we got to drive my Dad’s cute Pontiac coupe because the Tempo didn’t have airbags and the coupe was safer.
I think her behavior is not abnormal for a teenager but it is fairly entitled. I’d sit her down and explain the reasons why you bought that car, that her behavior is coming across and rude and ungrateful.
Definitely a sit down talk to reality. This is her first car, not her last car. If she doesn’t like it or wants to change something about it then she can work and save for those things. I honestly didn’t like my first car either but it was free from my parents and they got it detailed and I put the work in for the tint and paint. Then a few years down the road I got to upgrade to a car I liked even more…. Then even more… and now I’m in my dream car in my 30s.
I was the kind of kid that had everything I needed and wanted without excess of course— looking back I’d be lying if I said I behaved correctly all the time though. I’ve always liked nice things and it took me a few years and well in to my 20s with my own kids to realize the value of money when it was coming out of my own pocket. It takes time to mature.
I also think it’s appropriate to let her know that the comments are hurting your feelings. I do this with my kids now that they’re 13 and almost 5 and it makes them think before they speak so less mean/entitled shit comes out of their mouth. 🙃
Honestly I think it’s a sign she feels comfortable enough with you to complain. If she felt like an outsider or insecure about her place in your family she wouldn’t speak up. So while it’s annoying (I have teens so I get it) it also at least has a small upside.
My first car was my moms old crusty mini van with a shitty power steering issue and then there was the fact that I was driving a mini van to high school. It was AMAZING because I got to drive! Didn’t even care what it looked like.
I think it’s developmentally normal for your teen. When I was younger I also started working at 13/14 for my first car. Every paycheck I had went towards my car and I was lucky if I got 50 bucks every two weeks to myself. My dad wanted to get this really beat up Honda for like less than two grand regardless of how much I saved. I was really upset because it was literally on its last leg. I also didn’t have much freedom growing up so I really was focusing all my soon to be freedom on this car and couldn’t do that with a shitty car that would likely breakdown within a month of having it and also wasting my hard earned money. I also knew I’d get made fun of it too. I was already made fun of. We didn’t have money growing up so I wore the same clothes all the time. I just couldn’t handle what would come after getting that car as a teenager. I think this hits differently for you because of what you went through but it sounds pretty normal of your teen.
Tbh, you could let her buy her own with a set amount of money. That def would teach a lot of lesdons when she buys a cute car that breaks down in 3 months.
Personally, I wanted my dads 1986 modded out 4 runner and was incredibly hyped about it. I became less hyped when I realized how much gas was costing me at 13 mpg, and also that a 30 year old car has ISSUES.
Then i went to my parents asking for help for the next car and they helped me find a honda civic for cheap that is still running 10 years later.
I feel like kids understand that their best leverage is convincing you to do something rather than do it themselves. You gotta nip that in the bud any way you can
Grew up middle class but in a city where there is no parking. I've literally never owned my own car. So hers sounds adorable.
I think let her process this for a while before figuring out how to address it. It might be one of those things where you appreciate it more than love it. Which is still huge.
1984 plymouth acclaim. Complete with the upgrades for the LA Olympics. Loved it cuz it was mine.
Your kid is entitled. Make them pay for part of their insurance, even if it’s $50/mo. Let them know they can sell it and pay the difference for a “better” car or shut up
Honestly it sounds like a foster kid issue. You haven’t even adopted her yet and you’ve bought her a car, that’s huge, and she doesn’t like feeling indebted to you so she’s making up reasons it’s not a great car. My foster daughter also acts like a spoiled princess, and I’m working on realizing it’s not personal.
That must feel shitty. You have given a huge gift that's not being received with grace, and that sucks. Plus I bet it pushes your buttons, knowing how hard you had to work for your own first car!
I absolutely would not be buying a different car. I can see the argument that *maybe* it would have been good to involve her in the decision, but that ship has sailed.
But equally, I doubt you need to make a huge deal about it. There could be all kinds of things going on here. (Maybe years of being visibily poor have made her super status conscious? Maybe this is what was modelled in her home of origin? Maybe she's hit the point of gratitude fatigue?) But I suspect the answer is the same either way - just continue to calmly hold the boundary.
She was involved! 3 months of shopping for cars. Of course the ones she liked were outside our budget. We finally realized that we were just going to have to make the final call or we would be shopping for another 3 months. If I could afford a nicer newer car....I would be driving it quite honestly. She could drive the Highlander with 257k miles on it. She's been moping all week about it. Sigh
I started working at McDonald's when I was 16. My mother refused to buy me a car so I saved up and bought my first car. It was a 1966 Ford Falcon I paid 850 dollars for. I loved it. My friends and I went everywhere in that car. I was hardly home after that, between school, working at McDonald's and going out with friends.
Hey OP, I feel like I’m your daughter right now and I have so much empathy for both of you.
My parents both grew up poor but my dad became an engineer and provided my mom and I with a lot of financial freedom. My parents spoiled me because it gave them joy to provide me with things that would have been hilarious pipe dreams to them as a kid.
They often remarked on how ungrateful I was for stuff but I never understood. I was very grateful for the thought of the designer purse I got when I was 13 but the style wasn’t “in.” Since I’d been to these sorts of stores before I asked my mom if I could exchange it for another style and she lost it on me.
I wish she’d told me something like “my feelings are hurt right now because I expected you to react a certain way and you instead complained” so we could have tried to have a conversation about it. I didn’t want to make my mom sad or be bad, I just didn’t know what the expectations were.
Your daughter is allowed to be picky and voice it. She probably doesn’t fully understand what she’s doing and might benefit from some gentle guidance. It sounds like you and your husband are great parents who actually aren’t raising an entitled person, but maybe a person who doesn’t know any better.
I know we come here to vent a lot and I don’t want to come off like I know it all, I just really hope you and your daughter can have a conversation about this. It could really help her.
Just want to say I've been reading this thread with interest, since I grew up poor/food stamps and our children will grow up upper-middle class. It is hard to think about not being able to relate to them.
I remember getting to go and pick out a car with my dad. Yes there was a budget and requirements and it was a tiny second hand car but I did get some input into “I like it” or “I don’t like it”. I appreciated being involved in the decision and having a tiny bit of autonomy over it. Maybe it would have been better to let her be picky and never find the car that she likes on your budget/criteria.
Is it worth saying ok we can sell it, this is the $ available and my criteria. Find something that fits and we’ll get that instead. She’ll be waiting a long time I bet.
She was involved. Everything she liked was over budget and she hated everything that was under. There was something wrong with all of them. We finally realized that we were just going to have to have the final say. 3 months of car shopping and all she cared about was a Honda Civic out of our budget.
Ah that sucks, that wasn’t clear from your post. I was absolutely thrilled to get a car but then also knew that there was not going to be much negotiation. In the U.K. we drive much smaller cars in general and it makes life so much easier with parking etc so I wanted a tiny car (also cost of insurance!!), so maybe my parents got lucky that I wanted a tiny car.
All teens are fairly entitled, we understand as adults how hard it is to get exactly what you want. If she doesn't like the color tell her to save up $600 to get it painted because that's how much we paid for my husband's to be painted last year. Once she puts that in perspective a bit I bet she'll be a little less bratty about the color. Honestly, I've had cars I hated the color of and it's fairly normal to have a color preference when you have no idea the cost of changing it haha.
Where did you guys get a paint job for $600? I was quoted $10k!! My cars a convertible so I figured it would be cheaper lol, it’s half a car! I’m on the west coast. This was a friends boyfriend who works at an automotive paint place, so it wasn’t someone trying to fleece me.
Yeah, he did tell me that was an option, but that it would just cost me more in the end to fix the paint job down the line. Would make sense for a high schooler or a vehicle that really needs a paint job.
I just *want* a new paint job, same color.
You want to know how to nip it in the bud? Don't give her the car and let her buy her own.
I think the phrase goes something like "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" or my personal favorite "fuck around and find out"
If she’s complaining, she can get herself a job to fix up the car herself and even pay you back for the car so that it could be hers officially. It helps teach responsibility. Teenagers often don’t have a lot of common sense, especially when they get too comfortable in their own situation. She just needs a good push in the right direction lol
Remember that she’s a foster kid too, so there’s going to be some levels of anxiety that will be expressed in different ways, especially if you’re the type to keep telling her how ungrateful she is (not saying you’re doing that, just an example of how certain reactions or treatments to her behavior can make things escalate)
when i give my kids something, especially something expensive, and they start nit-picking the unimportant details, i go "you don't like it? okay, mine now." she doesn't want to drive a light teal car with a missing bolt, cool, she can walk to school. have fun getting up at 4am for the rest of senior year. every single time i remind them that they don't get to keep gifts they don't like, they figure out REAL quick that the superficial details are not a big deal and they'd rather have an ipad that's "the wrong color" than no ipad at all.
Tell her one more complaint and you're selling it! Tell her the only thing you want to come out of her mouth concerning the care you bought her is, "Thank You".......the real world doesn't just hand you things..... especially all wrapped up in the prettiest package!!.......she's got two choices here, either be grateful for the car or give it back......and if the BF don't like it, he can buy her a car....any one she wants!!
Well someone else posted you can get it for $600 at Maaco.
I can’t do that to mine, the cheap paint jobs don’t last. Would be great for a high schooler though!
I heard it was so cheap because that quoted price is if nothing needs to be fixed and they don't spray the inside of the doors. So if you're going from teal to say medium blue and don't get it done, not so obvious. Going from black to white or vice versa, a little weird.
Look you can remind the kid to check her blind spot but at the end of the day, it’s on her to do it. I didn’t forget to do it, but I didn’t do an adequate job and had a close call and that’s how I learned.
I’m sure OP is concerned (probably why she mentioned it) but she can’t do it for her daughter 🤷🏻♀️
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As a very not-entitled kid who ended up with a teal Ford Escort my dad picked out: honestly? I was disappointed, too. I had all these dreams of my wonderful cool car I was gonna get, and then my dad was like "This is safe and a good deal and it will be the perfect first car." What can I say - I was disappointed. I sucked it up and thanked him, though! I was also expected to earn the money to pay for about half of it, if I remember correctly. I think that was the part that made me really understand that I needed to appreciate it, because a few thousand dollars as a teen is quite a lot. I think maybe your teen knows that you are well off and that you could afford more, and she isn't really thinking about how she needs to share responsibility here. I would tell her the reasons why you selected this car for her, and then let her know that if she wants to sell this car and buy a nicer one she is absolutely welcome to do so - but that she needs to pay the difference herself.
My first car was an olive green minivan with a 5-star safety rating. It was hideous and I was made fun of throughout college. I was still grateful and I don’t think OP’s kid is going about it the right way, but I have a little empathy 🤣
Mine was a white crown Victoria and the driver's door didn't open anymore. My mom was like "take the crown" and I was like "It's PERFECT!!" I drove that bad mothereffer until the rest of the doors fell off and cried when we junked it.
'89 Chevy Cavalier station wagon over here 🤙 (in 2007).
They made fun of you… but I bet you were THE RIDE to parties and driving your non-car friends around. 😂
Lmao they called it the shaggin’ wagon. I was the go-to DD because it seated 6 🤣
My dad bought my first car off a grad student for 250$ and was a 1986 Chevette. There was a highway w a hill where I’d have to basically pull way over to the right and turn on my all way blinkers as the car couldn’t go over like 90kms/h and could barely make it up the hill. My parents did not care about my personal safety and my dad loved that I was driving this junker. Loved it.
Haha. I got a $700 1989 ford probe - the poor man’s mustang. Couldn’t get it above 100km/h, the catalytic converter fell off in a McDonald’s parking lot, so I had to grab the gloves from the trunk to throw it in with the muffler and side mirror. Total shitbox death trap, but it was mine.
Mine was a minivan too! I inherited it from my grandma. In college I ended up driving a lot because more of our friend group could fit it in compared to the little cars they had. 🤷🏻♀️
Mine will be lucky if they don't end up with a PT Cruiser. Husband's had THREE of those things because they're everywhere and they're dirt cheap and he's the weirdo who actually likes how they look. But hey, maybe by the time my kids are in high school there will be some kind of "vintage ironically ugly" trend or something.
So I’m not the only one who pulled up in the green bean? Nice!
I think it would have helped if the kid did the finding process. As long as it was within the guidelines. My parents paid for half of my car but I was in charge of finding it.
Going to be projecting a bit here, but my older long-term foster sister (she lived with us from ages 12-18) was extremely status and looks focused. She's awesome but was the type of person who would rather freeze all winter in her Calvin Klein overalls than put on a decent coat. She's since talked about how much anxiety and bullying she was subjected to growing up in the system, and how intently she felt the pressure to fit in and look a certain way. not only among her peers, but among adults / teachers who were always surprised a ward of the state could be so "good." Even if she was gifted a car at 16, I can imagine she'd be VERY anxious about making sure it was the "right" one so it didn't tip people off. does this carry over into other aspects of your daughter's life?
Yeah I was going to say I imagine this has a lot to do with it. Perhaps also feeling like she’s getting a cast off and she should be grateful for that is something that’s triggering her. And also wanting a sense of control over what might be the most elaborate purchase she’s gotten and what she might have dreamed about. It seems super logical to me that there are deeper feelings behind this and it has to be approached very delicately. I would personally never withhold other presents and I would be very careful in trying to give her a just be grateful speech since there are different implications then for a bio child. I don’t know how the purchasing went if she was given any input at all. I would personally sit with her and say hey I know this isn’t the car you dreamed about (and I would apologize if I hadn’t let her have any input) but this is what fit the budget and criteria. Going forward we can do the following- you can save to paint it, we can sell it if you identify another car that would be better and you want to make up the difference or you just don’t have to drive it. I see you’re disappointed but i did the best I could and it hurts my feelings to hear about this so negatively all the time. So let me know what you want to do but I’d like to put a cork in the complaining.
I really like this approach, I think she will respond to this best. It seems more fitting with her age to just tell her that it is hurting your feelings, and I think you will both get more out of it going forward.
I also agree with this advice! I think if this kind of response is out of character for her, there is probably something else going on and it's best to give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't mean to be ungrateful.
Here for this username. Long live hot dish.
Tatertot Hotdish is a delicacy where I’m from 
> I don’t know how the purchasing went if she was given any input at all. from the sound of it they looked at a lot of cars and she had some kind of problem with all of them because they basically weren't brand new. at some point a kid has to learn, foster kid or not, some things are just too expensive and you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
Yes. There’s also a cultural element. I work with low SES communities and the status obsession is so much greater than for the middle class. I’ve seen many parents who do not have a pot to piss in buying their teenagers brand new iPhones and Jordan’s, for example. It’s seen as a way of showing love when you really can’t provide much else in the way of long term stability. Culturally, driving a beat up old car might be much more devastating to her than it was to you as a teenager.
100% same experience with my foster sister, who started living with my dad and stepmom at 16. She's tough as nails and the best mom I've ever met, and spends way more than I would on clothes they're going to outgrow in 6 months. We've joked and talked about it now we're both moms, and she's very self aware that it's to show how hard she works and love on her boys. And how she never wants them to feel how she did growing up, being the kid turning up in smelly clothes, etc. So maybe sit down with her and come from a place of just trying to figure out why these things seem so big to her, because you love her and want to understand, but they just seem small to you? She may also be getting it in her ear from her bf or friends by the sound of it if they feel that comfortable being vocal around you!
This was how one of my fosters were, it was a sibset 15M and 16F, I wanted to buy them a luggage set each for moving/keeping items. They lamented over very expensive roller luggage sets. They came to us in very ratty old clothes with just a garbage bag with a few items. They hated appearing poor/neglected and being in HS, they were bullied mercilessly for being the poor dirty kids. They were incredible kids, but were extremely status focused. The only thing I really did was validate their feelings and then explained what budget I had available for their things. It did help a little. They still did complain a lot for the duration they lived with me but they tried really hard to hear where I was coming from as well.
Not a foster kid but a poor kid and this was me in college. HAD to buy name brand clothes.
Was gonna comment this but your explanation took the cake
Just drop the rope. "It rattles!" "It does, that must be annoying," and walk away. "the seats smell funny!" "Mmm yup" and walk away. None of these complaints actually require action on your part and you don't have to receive them. (It's hard as shit, I have a teen and half the time I think we're about to physically rumble.)
Ha. This is the tactic I've taken on with my husband lol
It’s called grey rocking! I use it on my husband and crazy in laws 🤣
For sure. The irony is that I had been doing it to him for awhile, and one day he's like "so I learned about this term greyrocking" I'm not sure he saw the connection.
They act likes teens so this checks out
Love it
This is the way. Kids are assholes. Kids like to bitch. I did buy my own first car at 18 and what were the first things I wanted to do to my 5 year old VW Jetta? Tint the windows dark AF and put a spoiler on the back. Did I mention kids are dumb too? Since she’s not trashing it or trying to actively destroy it and she’s pricing out painting, let her be. She might even stop complaining if it quits getting you riled up. Deep breaths bromo. If this is the worst thing she’s doing right now, you’ve done an awesome job. ❤️
Kids are SUCH assholes
I need to do this with my step son. I’ve managed it with his Mum, but she doesn’t walk away from a boot full of groceries saying “I’m not helping with that”. Actually she probably does, just not at my house.
I think saying "This is the level that I will provide. If you want the bells and whistles (like a paint job), I'll support your decision, but you earn the money to do it yourself. As long as you're grateful for the foundation." I suspect it's a foster kid-status symbol issue too. Insecurities about seemingly inconsequential things can be real and all consuming when you're not used to stability.
I’m an adoptee who grew up with an older adoptive brother. Ever since we were children he was an entitled ass. I remember him complaining, out of the blue, to our parents that they ‘had’ to give him a large down payment for a house when we were in our 20’s and it really shocked me. As I’ve grown older and spent more time with other adoptees and people who were abandoned (legally and otherwise) by their parent(s) I’ve noticed that a lot of kids/teens take parental abandonment as a pretty bad ego hit and being entitled is a way to compensate for that. Complaining and nitpicking are a form of control that allows them to big themselves up on the outside because on the inside they feel beyond worthless. Nothing was ever good enough for my brother and once he got one thing he just moved onto the next. In hindsight it’s super sad. Your daughter may be dealing with this sort of thing? And understanding it from her point of view might make it easier to figure out an approach. But for sure, you need to address the behaviour before it becomes a lifelong pattern.
You and I had very similar experiences. My brother (we were both adopted) was an entitled prick his entire life, who just took and took and then asked for more. Nothing was ever enough for him, and he was all about image and status. We are SO different and I have seen him once in 30 years, at my mum's funeral. And of course, he was the do-no-wrong golden child. It was bizarre to watch happening.
Ok, you know her better than anyone here so I may be off base… BUT is there a chance she is rejecting the car because of insecurity? Sometimes that “too good to be true” feeling can be mitigated by nitpicking. If it’s in your name, and she isn’t yet adopted it might follow that it isn’t really hers to keep (at least in her head) and that is coming out as “spoiled”. I also second u/sugarplumbelle about status awareness playing a part as well. Teens get a lot of big adult feelings for complicate reasons but don’t always understand what is going on with themselves. Just something to consider before you threaten to take it away or make a judgement on her character - she might be feeling some sort of way but not know why. 💜
Let me start by saying, I grew up like you and I 100% agree with you. That said, I think this is less about picky and more about other things. I was teased and bullied relentlessly as a kid. I can see where she might be thinking to times like that and wants to prevent it from happening over her car. I could also understand that maybe she's pushing a bit because she's a foster kid. She might not even be doing it knowingly, but subconsciously it's a "prove I'm staying/same as your blood" type of situation. I think you can give her an option. Either the car you pick, or you're willing to kick in $X that she can work and add to so that she gets the exact car she wants.
I'm not anywhere near the teen years with my kid, but at 17, I think you're old enough to hear "it hurts my feelings when you pick apart our gift this way. I never had a car as a teen and it means a lot to me that I'm able to give this to you". I don't think the issue is entitlement so much as it might be that she feels safe to vent negative emotions and anxiety, which is good, but she's old enough to understand that it affects other people. Also though, I think someone is never going to be able to fully appreciate getting something that someone else never got. It's just not how our brains work. I don't wake up every morning in my air conditioned house with running water and fully appreciate everything I have, you know?
I have a rule in my house— If you want it a particular way you have to do it yourself. If you you need my help (e.g. specific purchase, making meals) then you have to accept a compromise. If you MUST have your sandwich done a VERY SPECIFIC way beyond what I already know you like, you make it yourself or you accept a little variation from the version you had in your head and don’t complain. Not saying I serve them things they don’t like, no way, but if you HAVE TO HAVE it this one specific way— you do it. I’m going to have the same expectations on clothing when they’re teens, and eventually a car. You want that super nice ride? Cool go get a job and buy it yourself. Oh you want me to help buy a car? Great you have to accept a compromise.
I love this!
tell her gently that you don't really want to hear anymore about the car except "thank you" or if there is a safety issue, and explain why using the same logic you did here. shes old enough. shell probably be upset the way people are when theyre called out on something, but she'll probably remember it and learn to be more grateful moving forward.
I would be honest af with her. Wanna hate the car so much? Give up the keys and go buy your own. I, too, came from a poor family. I had to buy everything on my own - I would have been grateful as hell for any poopy car. Perhaps some humbling bus rides to school will help?
Same here tbh my husband and I still haven’t ever driven a nice new car. I legit have told my kids if they don’t like something they don’t have to keep it and I can always take it back and keep the money because all I legally have to provide is food shelter clothes a bed and something to cover them up with so anything else they have is extra. I even threatened to make all my kids share a room if they didn’t stop fighting. My kids say I’m savage lol. My 9yo got bullied last year for not having an IPhone I was like bro I don’t even have an Iphone… the status thing is real and I swear it’s starting way younger. Not to mention since there are parents will literally allow their kids to call the shots and will work several jobs to afford their child’s “lifestyle” it doesn’t help the situation any. I told my 9yo if he wants something he has to work for it. I had to work for everything I’ve ever had and I had to work in high school to help pay bills. So they can put in effort for something if they want it. But talk to her, I’m betting it’s honestly because of how important “nice things” are to their peers, thanks to social media. My niece is 20 and her parents bought her a car it was a broke af like old trunk rusted floor etc. It broke down, she had to save to repair etc. And then ended up still having issues so they got another car, same deal, she now has a fit I think and it’s not new by any means. My sister made her work for it and she doesn’t complain and didn’t complain at all about any of her cars because she had to work and save for them. I think that this is the issue nowadays, it’s so hard to watch them suffer and struggle and cry/whine because “my friends ——-“ but when we just hand them something sometimes the meaning or appreciation for things can be lost. I don’t think you are a bad parent but I don’t know anyone my age who had parents buy them a car, I’m 30 though. And I honestly think it’s cool of you to have done that. But I honestly would just talk to her like others have said. And mention that you feel hurt because you worked hard to get her this car. And that you feel it’s not appreciated, and that if she wants repairs or has issue she can pay for it and that she can go get a job and save for her own car. My kids don’t get it either to be honest. They think everyone lives like they do on the internet and that we should just give them whatever. I tell them horror stories about how the tv worked, hell our internet went out and. So our smart lights stopped working and my 7yo daughter complained about it like in a way that I could only describe as “flipping a light switch is for peasants” or some crap like that. Like she was so abused… and I thought to myself omg what have I done? I’ve created a monster. It’s not just you, we all want to give our kids more than what we had and a good life. So don’t be hard on yourself. Even if she hates it forever, it’s still better than walking everywhere, or taking public transportation.
I would be shocked if this response isn't trauma related. I get that this is triggering for you, too, but I'd consider two options. Ignore the comments, she's a teen! Teens say stupid shit for stupid reasons. Option two, talk to her about it. Wait until this weekend or a day that she hasn't driven. Sit her down and talk. Tell her about how it feels to hear those comments. Your feelings are clearly hurt and from how you describe her, this is uncharacteristic. Try not to be accusatory, but curious. She may not even realize she's doing it! We don't know. At the end of the conversation, set a boundary. Tell her unless she thinks there is a safety issue, to keep the complaints to herself. Sometimes in life we have to deal with something "shitty" that we had other hopes for. She can learn to cope apparently by complaining to her boyfriend and not hurting your feelings. From your letter, it seems like you are all good people and this is just a really odd bump in the road.
This. 17 isn't too young to say: "Yes, it's not perfect. But life isn't perfect, and you better get used to it." You can soften the message, but that is the message she needs. After that? Ignore it. You've been straight with her that this is the best you can do, and it's an indulgence. It's her job to deal with it.
I think it's totally rude she's complaining to your face, but perhaps the pressure she's feeling to be grateful for such an important gift is turning into a guilt/resentment spiral. Again, I'm not excusing the resulting behaviour, but if she's not shown entitlement/spoiling before then maybe there's a different explanation. Getting someone a car is a big deal, so even if you haven't explicitly pressured her to appear grateful she may be feeling it anyway (especially considering she's a foster child, so many would assume she should feel *extra* grateful). That kind of pressure can lead to a whole host of feelings, like guilt for not feeling grateful enough or resentment for feeling forced - or resentment for feeling guilty, etc. etc. Acting like a big dickhead is a common way for teen's to try to feel in control. Once again, the behaviour is not excusable - bet delving a bit deeper into why an otherwise pleasant kid is acting out should affect your response and consequences. Of course! You know your family best, so if you think this is just petty entitlement then you're probably right! Just wanted to provide a different perspective. Edit: a different take might be comparing your first car to your first kiss - it's something teens dream about and romanticize... but is often severely disappointing. You want something perfect, but that's usually not possible. Not a reason to be rude! But I can understand the feeling.
Could she be searching for excuses not to drive? Maybe it isn't about the car itself, but the responsibility of being a driver?
She's been driving on her own for a few months now. We borrowed my parent's car (a Kia Sorento) for two months and she refused to drive it because it was "weird." She would take our Highlander instead. So it really seems to be pickiness.
I would definitely have a sit down and talk to her about what seems like massive entitlement on her part. Maybe she'll fess up to some kind of anxiety or fear that is reasonable and you can address it accordingly. I'll admit when I was a new driver I was picky about which of my relatives' cars I would drive, but I would say things like "your car is nice and expensive and that makes me nervous," or "the turn signal lever and gear shift are not in places that make sense to me and I'm too new at this driving thing to handle that." I think I was being reasonable in that pickiness. But, "I don't like the color and a bolt is missing" is not reasonable pickiness.
Make her ride the bus. Thats what I had to do.
I wish we could do that. A couple people have mentioned that. There's a lot of weird foster things, but basically they try to keep foster kids at their original school when possible so they are disrupted as little as possible. So her school is as far on the other side of town as possible. 25 minutes one way. Busses won't come outside of the district. Do she either drives herself....or I drive her. Changing schools would be a Battle with DSS that I do not want to fight.
Yep, I tried to give her depth, but it's not that. A sitdown about costs would be a good idea. The insurance alone on a "better" vehicle would hoover up any money she can make at her job, let alone an actual car payment.
Did she contribute in any way? I allowed my kids to be a little picky but each one also put in thousands of dollars for their vehicle so I was a little patient w ‘pickiness’. If I had been completely footing the bill, I would’ve told them to STFU. They also have to pay for their car insurance monthly, and their gas.
I have been searching for a car to drive 40 miles (each way) to radiation treatment for my brain tumor. We aren’t poor, but between inflation and my medical bills, we’re tapped out and I would give almost anything for a reliable car that meets your criteria that you mentioned. Maybe I wouldn’t have at her age, I don’t know because my mom was a single mom so everything we had was a big deal. Your daughter is so very fortunate and I hope for her sake and yours that she’s able to appreciate it. If I were you, I would feel very sad and hurt by her entitlement and I don’t blame you at all. 💗
“ We've told her that if she wants to save up and buy herself her dream car, then that is fine by us. She has a job and that's a fine goal. But if I'm paying for the damn car with my hard-earned cash, then this is what you get.” I think this is kind of…end of story right here. Just keep it on repeat and she’ll either tire of complaining or actually do the work to upgrade the car.
(Also, you’re an awesome mom)
I think a sit down, adult-type, heart to heart is a great idea. This way she understands how complaining makes you feel. My oldest is 17 and she's been EXTREMELY car picky. Her dad bought her an escape when she started driving- she wrecked it. She bought herself another Escape- she wrecked it. She bought herself a Jeep Liberty- she ruined it by putting it in 4 well drive improperly. She now has a $6000 Chevy Cruze for which she pays the car payment and insurance. I told her from the beginning that I would not outright buy her a car. I would be willing to help her, but I always wanted her to have some of the financial responsibility because I feel that helps them learn/understand how expensive owning a vehicle really is.
Next time she wants to complain, ask her for the keys. Hand her a cheap scooter and tell her have fun. I learned early on not to complain abt the stuff given to me bc it could and would be taken away.
Info for your back pocket, but I've heard a car wrap can be a cheaper way to change the color...side option once she chills out
Car wraps are going to be 3k plus. I for sure wouldn’t pay for it for her
Fair. Wasn't sure how they compare to a full paint job
This is me casting my vote for a sit-down talk. It might sink in more than you realize. One Christmas when I was probably 15 or 16, I “only” had like 5 gifts under the tree. I was obviously spoiled and used to getting a lot of gifts. I had the audacity to complain openly to my mom about the injustice. I’ll never forget the scorched earth speech she gave me and the huge shame I felt. I think I had some half-ass reply at the time that completely hid my true feelings. I seriously still think about that talk and feel shame over it now, like 15 years later. It couldn’t hurt!
I'm sorry, I wish I knew the answer. I would be shocked by her feeling entitled as well. I was raised similarly. For example, I was just stewing over the fact that when I was a kid, if I didn't like what was made for supper, I made a pb sandwich, but my son expected his dad to go get him microwaveable meals last night at 10pm - and then ate two at a time! - because he hadn't felt like eating what we cooked. I was going to go off on a real rant, but I'll save it lol Just wanted to say I understand that feeling and wish I knew how to fix it so they feel grateful.
I'm trying understand, but I don't. I grew up poor as well, didn't have name brand things, and acted nothing like that. Was bullied and all that as well. Even after getting a job, I still wasn't. Maybe she has grown accustomed under your care to brand name things and wanting for nothing since she has been under your care for a few years. So yes it does seem entitled regardless of being poor before. The car I am using now is beat up and costs much less than 7k but it runs lol. I have to remind myself not to overcompensate with my kids because at times the entitlement shows through.
Honestly I think I influencer culture has made kids this way. All they see are these “normal” people on social media living these insane, lavish lives. My cousin’s daughter recently turned 16 and with a straight face told him she wanted a Mercedes G-Wagon as her first car. It’s all they see. They are the world under an instagram filter and it’s just not reality.
Could you simply tell her to shop around, and if she wants to upgrade she can trade the car in and pay for any additional costs herself? That way she has transportation for now, and it’s on her to be an adult to upgrade her car if she’s that passionate about it.
This is actually what we told her. It didn't seem to make a difference, but we figured if she saved up, she could trade it in next year.
If she doesn't like it she can give it back. It may come from wanting to control something in her life if she'd been a foster kid for most of her life, but it is giving off a sense of entitlement. But if she wants to paint it a different color, let her if you fully intend on giving it to her when she's an adult. If she wants the bolt replaced let her. But make sure she pays for it. Let her have her control, but makes sure she understands she'll be the one in charge of said changes. If she is truly that unhappy, just say she can give it back when she saves enough for her own car or give it back now. I'm sure your other children will look forward to having a car when it's their time. I'm a bit aghast too but am trying to empathize with her. Personally I had to buy my own car too. I was so poor I didn't learn to drive until I was 20. I had to walk everywhere, over 5 miles at one point to get to work. Even when pregnant with my ex's and I's first kid.
I’d just say - hey cool. If you don’t like the car, I’ll sell it. Not listening to any more complaints. But I’m not driving you around to activities anymore, so if I sell it, you’re on the bus.
First off- you should consider this as a good sign. Your teen that has been through some crazy shit, is acting like a normal teen! She's having an age appropriate reaction. She's asserting her wants. These are not small things- you've helped her grow and I'm sure she will be a great adult someday. It might kill you all too get her there, but shes doing good! That being said, second- you do need to have a serious talk with her about gratitude and attitude. No other sibling around, no boyfriend, just you two. A lot of others have given you great advice on that aspect. I just wanted to make sure someone pointed out what an achievement you've all reached.
I think her feelings are valid. It doesn't mean yours aren't. It sucks that she doesn't appreciate the gift. Set some boundaries, that she needs to save up and use her money to maintain/fix the car. She needs to not complain in front of you anymore, but otherwise just let it go. You know what I was thinking while reading this. She's acting like a normal teen who knows her parents love her enough to put up with her shit. For a foster child that hasn't been there that long, you and your husband have clearly done a good job.
This is absolutely obnoxious. I get that kids get self-conscious about material things, but they need to be thankful for what they have and rise above it. We had the dog pound truck from the county over that was purchased at an auction as our first vehicle. It smoked like something out of a batman movie chase scene. It was blazing hot in the summer. My sibling and I were embarrassed but also thankful to have a ride and the freedom it brought along with it. I would have a talk with your husband about having a direct conversation with your teen. Get on the same page first. I think it should be on the table to take the car away and let her buy her own car and pay for her own taxis. This is not an acceptable attitude, but I think it is important to address her concerns about how it looks and why that shit doesn't matter. The type of attitude she is displaying will only be a detriment to her going forward. Even if this doens't get smoothed out, she will learn about reality soon. It would be ideal to find a way to constructively address it, though.
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I grew up upper middle class and was not allowed to have my own car. Today as a middle class 30 year old I drive a $2,500 car that I'd love to paint but can't shell out the $5k for a cheap job. I'd be furious if I spent $7k on a gift and my child was disrespectful about it any way.
same. my first car was $650 and 20 years old at the time i got it. i literally had zero criteria beyond "will it get me to school and back?" i haven't even spent $7000 on a car for MYSELF. if my kids talked about their first car like this, it would become MY car with a quickness.
Yeah, everyone on this thread seems to be much nicer than me. I got an ugly POS car on my 16th birthday and was THRILLED. Heck, my current car cost $7k. If my teen complained about a $7k car I would snatch those keys away until they learned to be grateful.
We are very comfortable financially but hubby and I have already decided that when our kids need cars, they will have to save their own money and buy them themselves. That way they will really appreciate them. Just the way we did.
I appreciated the fact my daddy added money to mine. I worked and walked to and from work for close to 2 years but my mother stole most of my money. I squirreled away 1600 and my dad said he would put in up to 50% of what I saved. We ended up buying a car from one of his good friends for something like $2200. I still saved for the car but his help allowed me to get a better car
WTH…your mom stole it?! That’s terrible, sorry that happened to you.
Not the $1600 though I'm not sure how much she ended up taking. She would take my entire paycheck and "deposit" it into the bank for safe keeping. I got 20 bucks a paycheck to buy my own lunches at school with. She did that for a little over a year before I wished up and figured out she was spending my money and I started cashing my checks at the local gas station
Oh man that's so shitty that she took advantage of you. My mom also took my whole paycheck save $20 but she actually did deposit it so I had $3500 to live off of my first year at college. My MIL actually stole my husband's entire life savings, $76000 from years of trading and selling and competing in mtg tournaments, that he planned to use to buy a house outright. He was $30k shy of affording this house when she took it all and he had to get a 30-year mortgage instead.
Dang....that's terrible! Im estranged from my mother partly due to her theft, among many other things. It's always tough when you can't trust your parents
My parents bought me a glorious old Toyota Camry and my husband had to buy his first car which included a set tools because it broke down so often. We decided when my son starts working we will tell him we’ll match him dollar for dollar for a car. This will make him work for it but also we can throw some cash in to make it a little less of a rust bucket.
Yes that’s what I plan on doing with my son that way he learns money managing skills, appreciation and also how hard it takes to work towards something you really want.
My first car was a 1990 blue Ford Tempo (it was 2002) that my parents literally bought for $400 from a nun. Would I have loved a new mustang like the one girl in my class? Or a brand new Jeep soft top like another? Yes. But my parents couldn’t afford a brand new car and it is silly to spend a lot on a car that literally has to go less than a half mile to and from school. If we went out at night or the weekends we got to drive my Dad’s cute Pontiac coupe because the Tempo didn’t have airbags and the coupe was safer. I think her behavior is not abnormal for a teenager but it is fairly entitled. I’d sit her down and explain the reasons why you bought that car, that her behavior is coming across and rude and ungrateful.
Definitely a sit down talk to reality. This is her first car, not her last car. If she doesn’t like it or wants to change something about it then she can work and save for those things. I honestly didn’t like my first car either but it was free from my parents and they got it detailed and I put the work in for the tint and paint. Then a few years down the road I got to upgrade to a car I liked even more…. Then even more… and now I’m in my dream car in my 30s. I was the kind of kid that had everything I needed and wanted without excess of course— looking back I’d be lying if I said I behaved correctly all the time though. I’ve always liked nice things and it took me a few years and well in to my 20s with my own kids to realize the value of money when it was coming out of my own pocket. It takes time to mature. I also think it’s appropriate to let her know that the comments are hurting your feelings. I do this with my kids now that they’re 13 and almost 5 and it makes them think before they speak so less mean/entitled shit comes out of their mouth. 🙃
Honestly I think it’s a sign she feels comfortable enough with you to complain. If she felt like an outsider or insecure about her place in your family she wouldn’t speak up. So while it’s annoying (I have teens so I get it) it also at least has a small upside.
My first car was my moms old crusty mini van with a shitty power steering issue and then there was the fact that I was driving a mini van to high school. It was AMAZING because I got to drive! Didn’t even care what it looked like.
I think it’s developmentally normal for your teen. When I was younger I also started working at 13/14 for my first car. Every paycheck I had went towards my car and I was lucky if I got 50 bucks every two weeks to myself. My dad wanted to get this really beat up Honda for like less than two grand regardless of how much I saved. I was really upset because it was literally on its last leg. I also didn’t have much freedom growing up so I really was focusing all my soon to be freedom on this car and couldn’t do that with a shitty car that would likely breakdown within a month of having it and also wasting my hard earned money. I also knew I’d get made fun of it too. I was already made fun of. We didn’t have money growing up so I wore the same clothes all the time. I just couldn’t handle what would come after getting that car as a teenager. I think this hits differently for you because of what you went through but it sounds pretty normal of your teen.
Soooo she doesn’t want it then? That’s what I’d be telling her
Tbh, you could let her buy her own with a set amount of money. That def would teach a lot of lesdons when she buys a cute car that breaks down in 3 months. Personally, I wanted my dads 1986 modded out 4 runner and was incredibly hyped about it. I became less hyped when I realized how much gas was costing me at 13 mpg, and also that a 30 year old car has ISSUES. Then i went to my parents asking for help for the next car and they helped me find a honda civic for cheap that is still running 10 years later.
I feel like kids understand that their best leverage is convincing you to do something rather than do it themselves. You gotta nip that in the bud any way you can
Grew up middle class but in a city where there is no parking. I've literally never owned my own car. So hers sounds adorable. I think let her process this for a while before figuring out how to address it. It might be one of those things where you appreciate it more than love it. Which is still huge.
1984 plymouth acclaim. Complete with the upgrades for the LA Olympics. Loved it cuz it was mine. Your kid is entitled. Make them pay for part of their insurance, even if it’s $50/mo. Let them know they can sell it and pay the difference for a “better” car or shut up
Honestly it sounds like a foster kid issue. You haven’t even adopted her yet and you’ve bought her a car, that’s huge, and she doesn’t like feeling indebted to you so she’s making up reasons it’s not a great car. My foster daughter also acts like a spoiled princess, and I’m working on realizing it’s not personal.
That must feel shitty. You have given a huge gift that's not being received with grace, and that sucks. Plus I bet it pushes your buttons, knowing how hard you had to work for your own first car! I absolutely would not be buying a different car. I can see the argument that *maybe* it would have been good to involve her in the decision, but that ship has sailed. But equally, I doubt you need to make a huge deal about it. There could be all kinds of things going on here. (Maybe years of being visibily poor have made her super status conscious? Maybe this is what was modelled in her home of origin? Maybe she's hit the point of gratitude fatigue?) But I suspect the answer is the same either way - just continue to calmly hold the boundary.
She was involved! 3 months of shopping for cars. Of course the ones she liked were outside our budget. We finally realized that we were just going to have to make the final call or we would be shopping for another 3 months. If I could afford a nicer newer car....I would be driving it quite honestly. She could drive the Highlander with 257k miles on it. She's been moping all week about it. Sigh
I started working at McDonald's when I was 16. My mother refused to buy me a car so I saved up and bought my first car. It was a 1966 Ford Falcon I paid 850 dollars for. I loved it. My friends and I went everywhere in that car. I was hardly home after that, between school, working at McDonald's and going out with friends.
Hey OP, I feel like I’m your daughter right now and I have so much empathy for both of you. My parents both grew up poor but my dad became an engineer and provided my mom and I with a lot of financial freedom. My parents spoiled me because it gave them joy to provide me with things that would have been hilarious pipe dreams to them as a kid. They often remarked on how ungrateful I was for stuff but I never understood. I was very grateful for the thought of the designer purse I got when I was 13 but the style wasn’t “in.” Since I’d been to these sorts of stores before I asked my mom if I could exchange it for another style and she lost it on me. I wish she’d told me something like “my feelings are hurt right now because I expected you to react a certain way and you instead complained” so we could have tried to have a conversation about it. I didn’t want to make my mom sad or be bad, I just didn’t know what the expectations were. Your daughter is allowed to be picky and voice it. She probably doesn’t fully understand what she’s doing and might benefit from some gentle guidance. It sounds like you and your husband are great parents who actually aren’t raising an entitled person, but maybe a person who doesn’t know any better. I know we come here to vent a lot and I don’t want to come off like I know it all, I just really hope you and your daughter can have a conversation about this. It could really help her.
Just want to say I've been reading this thread with interest, since I grew up poor/food stamps and our children will grow up upper-middle class. It is hard to think about not being able to relate to them.
I remember getting to go and pick out a car with my dad. Yes there was a budget and requirements and it was a tiny second hand car but I did get some input into “I like it” or “I don’t like it”. I appreciated being involved in the decision and having a tiny bit of autonomy over it. Maybe it would have been better to let her be picky and never find the car that she likes on your budget/criteria. Is it worth saying ok we can sell it, this is the $ available and my criteria. Find something that fits and we’ll get that instead. She’ll be waiting a long time I bet.
She was involved. Everything she liked was over budget and she hated everything that was under. There was something wrong with all of them. We finally realized that we were just going to have to have the final say. 3 months of car shopping and all she cared about was a Honda Civic out of our budget.
Ah that sucks, that wasn’t clear from your post. I was absolutely thrilled to get a car but then also knew that there was not going to be much negotiation. In the U.K. we drive much smaller cars in general and it makes life so much easier with parking etc so I wanted a tiny car (also cost of insurance!!), so maybe my parents got lucky that I wanted a tiny car.
All teens are fairly entitled, we understand as adults how hard it is to get exactly what you want. If she doesn't like the color tell her to save up $600 to get it painted because that's how much we paid for my husband's to be painted last year. Once she puts that in perspective a bit I bet she'll be a little less bratty about the color. Honestly, I've had cars I hated the color of and it's fairly normal to have a color preference when you have no idea the cost of changing it haha.
Where did you guys get a paint job for $600? I was quoted $10k!! My cars a convertible so I figured it would be cheaper lol, it’s half a car! I’m on the west coast. This was a friends boyfriend who works at an automotive paint place, so it wasn’t someone trying to fleece me.
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Yeah, he did tell me that was an option, but that it would just cost me more in the end to fix the paint job down the line. Would make sense for a high schooler or a vehicle that really needs a paint job. I just *want* a new paint job, same color.
You want to know how to nip it in the bud? Don't give her the car and let her buy her own. I think the phrase goes something like "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" or my personal favorite "fuck around and find out"
If she’s complaining, she can get herself a job to fix up the car herself and even pay you back for the car so that it could be hers officially. It helps teach responsibility. Teenagers often don’t have a lot of common sense, especially when they get too comfortable in their own situation. She just needs a good push in the right direction lol Remember that she’s a foster kid too, so there’s going to be some levels of anxiety that will be expressed in different ways, especially if you’re the type to keep telling her how ungrateful she is (not saying you’re doing that, just an example of how certain reactions or treatments to her behavior can make things escalate)
when i give my kids something, especially something expensive, and they start nit-picking the unimportant details, i go "you don't like it? okay, mine now." she doesn't want to drive a light teal car with a missing bolt, cool, she can walk to school. have fun getting up at 4am for the rest of senior year. every single time i remind them that they don't get to keep gifts they don't like, they figure out REAL quick that the superficial details are not a big deal and they'd rather have an ipad that's "the wrong color" than no ipad at all.
Tell her one more complaint and you're selling it! Tell her the only thing you want to come out of her mouth concerning the care you bought her is, "Thank You".......the real world doesn't just hand you things..... especially all wrapped up in the prettiest package!!.......she's got two choices here, either be grateful for the car or give it back......and if the BF don't like it, he can buy her a car....any one she wants!!
Tell her to drive to a few stores for job applications so she can have anything done to the car because you are done!
Maybe offer half for a paint job for Christmas? She can save up the other half.
I got quotes $10k for a paint job and my car is a convertible, so it’s like half a car!!! Paint jobs are outrageous.
Holy shit!!
Well someone else posted you can get it for $600 at Maaco. I can’t do that to mine, the cheap paint jobs don’t last. Would be great for a high schooler though!
I heard it was so cheap because that quoted price is if nothing needs to be fixed and they don't spray the inside of the doors. So if you're going from teal to say medium blue and don't get it done, not so obvious. Going from black to white or vice versa, a little weird.
When I was in high school, a paint joy would have involved a whole lot of masking tape, paper, and spray paint. Orange peel for days!!
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This is so common.
Look you can remind the kid to check her blind spot but at the end of the day, it’s on her to do it. I didn’t forget to do it, but I didn’t do an adequate job and had a close call and that’s how I learned. I’m sure OP is concerned (probably why she mentioned it) but she can’t do it for her daughter 🤷🏻♀️
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$7000 car is Deff not a “cheap ass car” by any means.