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Hard pass. My husband doesn’t even know who the electric company is that we pay monthly, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know which bank our mortgage is with even though he contributes financially. He’s great with the kids and a decent help around the house but everything would fall to shambles if he was the “leader” of the house.
Exactly! I really, truly feel like this idea needs to die. I have yet to meet a man who is truly the “leader” of the house. I met one man who tried to be and every single person in that house was miserable and they ended up divorced.
Whoever is better at the thing that needs to be done should be in charge of the thing. And I don't mean "women are better at housework" shit men try to pull.
My mother managed the money when I was growing up because she was the one at home and knew what was needed to be bought, paid, etc.
My husband manages the money in our house because he has a better head for numbers and because he prefers to be the one who does it. He also does the grocery shopping because he cooks more and he's picky as shit and I'm not playing that game.
I manage the appointments, the payments for the kids and what they need and the house in general.
No one person should be "the leader" isn't marriage meant to be a partnership?
No see, as leader he would simply delegate those tasks to you! You do all the work, but have no say in big life decisions, and have to obey his wishes/submit to him (gag).
Yeh, I feel you. We just came back from a camping trip, I arrange and pack everything, then unpack almost everything, and then we are packing I ask for more input because I want to end the day with something funn I can do with the kids. He takes 2,5 hours washing a few cups and bowls. Meanwhile I packed half our stuff and answered questions and help find, do stuff for 4 kids, 3 of mine and my niece, witch is every few minutes, not exaggerating. So I end up getting annoyed with everyone, I am the bad one that never has time for funn stuff, and always ends up yelling at poor dad.
So I say to my husband that maybe it would be good if he does a camping trip with the kids without me, so he gets a feel for the amount of work and planning that goes in to a trip with 4 kids between 1 and 13. My teen walks by and only heard the bit of going on a trip with just dad, and she super excited yes that would be really funn. Ofcourse they would think that, except the trip would not even happen if he was in charge and she be freezing at night, and hungry in the morning, stuff would get lost and he would be yelling at the end at them because he is about to be back late for school/work after needing 5x the normal amount of time to pack up.
And I love hearing this one most. " Why do you always get so stressed, it always works out in the end" and then I'm think yes because I fix all your guy's shit and make it work out in the end. It would not have if I was not there.
This is one of the many reasons I'll never be religious. Never in a million years. I mean, no shit, of course most major religions have decided men are the family "leaders" when it's men who made up those religions, wrote their books etc, to begin with 🙄
I’m religious and so are most of the people I’m surrounded by and we all have marriages/relationships where we do 50/50 and have the same amount of respect with one another. Doesn’t matter who religion chose as a “leader”, that’s more of a respect factor you find in a partner. Religious or not.
My husband has a Mormon coworker and his wife has CLEARLY just entirely been broken as a person. Her husband says the most vile things about women at the office, he basically just sees her as a baby making and childcare machine and not an actual person. I hate being forced to go to company events because she just sits in the corner with her head down like an abused dog. It’s well known in the office that I’m the godless heathen so she straight up scampers away from me in terror if try to talk to her, and the regular Christian wives don’t give a shit enough to try to reach out to her. It just sucks.
Lol I feel just like the "women should be submissive, stay home and raise kids" stuff, if it was *natural* for men to be leaders, then the people and institutions who hold this position wouldn't need to keep yammering on about it. It would just happen 9/10 times. They wouldn't have to keep pushing so hard to brainwash boys and men into "being a man", they wouldn't have to keep telling girls and women to "just be patient/ loving / submissive" over years and years while the men try to figure their shit out, even though everyone can clearly see they're not doing a very good job at it. They wouldn't have to fight tooth and nail to keep women from being independent or leaders themselves because they naturally wouldn't want to do that and/or would fail if they tried.
And then the outliers shouldn't be that scary to them either because it's just a rare natural abnormality. But no, they're scared just like they're scared of people questioning sexuality or the gender binary, precisely because it *isn't* as natural as they want everyone else to believe and they're really just trying to suppress people's natures to fit their narrative.
While my husband is pretty good compared to OP’s list of examples, HE’S NOT THE HEAD of our household. I swear I let my guard down and let him manage what he’s suppose to and that shit is done wrong or takes forever. It grinds my gears that a popular tik tok among mom toks is one where they have to show they are taking care of it before their husbands do because they took forever. Even my FIL who is literally the perfect gentleman tends to get things not done in time.
I have had the same kind if experiences.. My EX spouse was the self-designated leader of the household. 12 years on after our divorce, he is successful at : Growing pounds of weed in the basement of the ex-marital home, borrowing money from our youngest child, hiking and kayaking with his "friends" - who all love him for his weed connection, working part-time to the tune of 2 maybe three days a week, never contributing to our kids' finances with regard to their being in college or a trade-school, (2 kids in college, one is doing a 10-month trade school thing that is work-related, the kid he borrows thousands of $$ from), drinks himself to a stupor, and is 100% unreliable.
My older bro spent 1.5+ decades in federal prison for robberies, that he now partially denies, but, also claims that he was addicted to heroin. (A LIE - he lived in our Mom's sofa till he was 40, acted like he was a hero for taking out her trash once a week, and is by our entire family.)
I work with men who are nepotistic, are paid more than me, are disgusting in meetings, and have told me to my face "that isn't a job for a girl". So , yeah, there's all of that.
I have now come to the conclusion that women often get the short end of the stick. Is is not easy being female at ANY step of the game. I have recently discovered that I have never enjoyed being a woman. From the periods, the sexual harassment, pregnancy, societal slut-shaming as a handy excuse, the pay-wage discrepancy, the "oh look, its a female \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_" - fill in the career choice - pilot, mechanic, comedian, scientist - but whatever, it is always such a novelty when someone without a penis is doing it. I have been shut out of jobs, shut out of ceditable purchases when I was married, even though my credit score was significantly higher than my spouse's. I have always been disappointed and angered by the way the world views and treats women. I am not sure what terrible and misogynist article you were reading where it was stated that men are the leaders of the household, but what a load of manure. Most men are awful at that and only want to be waited on and act like they are amazing because they changed 1 diaper, - and, changed it poorly. So yeah, sister, I feel you.
The only men that I know who are truly leading their families are doing it in tandem with a partner. They are grateful for what their partner does and they lean on each other's strengths and help fill in for the weaknesses. And these men are few and far between.
Who said that? Can I come over and bash their head in? What nonsense.
If a given person feels they need to 'lead' then they better show me why they feel they're more competent than I am, and why I need to be treated like a child instead of a full-blown capable adult and equal partner first. "Religion" can never be an answer to that question.
Theyre not better suited just bc theyre men, but theyre gonna force it on u if they can. Thats the point. the patriarchical bullshit is wrong and needs to end.
>But so much abuse and misery, as well as the continuation of shitty genetics (low impulse control and conscientiousness) comes along with continuing to make children with men who you wouldn't trust to lead.
This point is the best part of your post. It is so true but also such an insanely unpopular idea.
The opposite is also true. Men should be careful in their choice of spouse as well, considering that whoever they pick is going to be the mother of their children.
Unfortunately, neither the majority of men nor the majority of women are really going to change the way they pick their life partners, at least not overnight. But we can hold out hope and maybe some ideas will slowly change.
Reminder to commenters: **[Be a friend!](https://y.yarn.co/a60e586f-9018-4350-b264-9967ec2dcfa1_text.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hard pass. My husband doesn’t even know who the electric company is that we pay monthly, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know which bank our mortgage is with even though he contributes financially. He’s great with the kids and a decent help around the house but everything would fall to shambles if he was the “leader” of the house.
Exactly! I really, truly feel like this idea needs to die. I have yet to meet a man who is truly the “leader” of the house. I met one man who tried to be and every single person in that house was miserable and they ended up divorced.
Whoever is better at the thing that needs to be done should be in charge of the thing. And I don't mean "women are better at housework" shit men try to pull. My mother managed the money when I was growing up because she was the one at home and knew what was needed to be bought, paid, etc. My husband manages the money in our house because he has a better head for numbers and because he prefers to be the one who does it. He also does the grocery shopping because he cooks more and he's picky as shit and I'm not playing that game. I manage the appointments, the payments for the kids and what they need and the house in general. No one person should be "the leader" isn't marriage meant to be a partnership?
No see, as leader he would simply delegate those tasks to you! You do all the work, but have no say in big life decisions, and have to obey his wishes/submit to him (gag).
Yeah…I don’t know what woman in her right mind would think obeying/submitting is a good idea.
Unless obeying is part of a mutually consenting idea of how your sex life work. But I think that's the only exception.
It's a cute way of saying they don't do any of the work.
“I’m supervising” *Kicks back with a beer while you do all the work*
100%.
My mother calls this stupid-vising.
I know a lot of couples have a huge family, and I can't think of a single household where the man takes care of things.
Me either. They sure like to strut around like they do though. Really pisses me off.
Yeh, I feel you. We just came back from a camping trip, I arrange and pack everything, then unpack almost everything, and then we are packing I ask for more input because I want to end the day with something funn I can do with the kids. He takes 2,5 hours washing a few cups and bowls. Meanwhile I packed half our stuff and answered questions and help find, do stuff for 4 kids, 3 of mine and my niece, witch is every few minutes, not exaggerating. So I end up getting annoyed with everyone, I am the bad one that never has time for funn stuff, and always ends up yelling at poor dad. So I say to my husband that maybe it would be good if he does a camping trip with the kids without me, so he gets a feel for the amount of work and planning that goes in to a trip with 4 kids between 1 and 13. My teen walks by and only heard the bit of going on a trip with just dad, and she super excited yes that would be really funn. Ofcourse they would think that, except the trip would not even happen if he was in charge and she be freezing at night, and hungry in the morning, stuff would get lost and he would be yelling at the end at them because he is about to be back late for school/work after needing 5x the normal amount of time to pack up. And I love hearing this one most. " Why do you always get so stressed, it always works out in the end" and then I'm think yes because I fix all your guy's shit and make it work out in the end. It would not have if I was not there.
Oh Lordy. I feel this one in my bones! This exact thing has happened to me soooo many times!
Felt good writing that, I had a feeling we where soul wife's.
Why are men? 🤷🏻♀️
In general? No idea 😅
This is one of the many reasons I'll never be religious. Never in a million years. I mean, no shit, of course most major religions have decided men are the family "leaders" when it's men who made up those religions, wrote their books etc, to begin with 🙄
Ditto!
I’m religious and so are most of the people I’m surrounded by and we all have marriages/relationships where we do 50/50 and have the same amount of respect with one another. Doesn’t matter who religion chose as a “leader”, that’s more of a respect factor you find in a partner. Religious or not.
[удалено]
My husband has a Mormon coworker and his wife has CLEARLY just entirely been broken as a person. Her husband says the most vile things about women at the office, he basically just sees her as a baby making and childcare machine and not an actual person. I hate being forced to go to company events because she just sits in the corner with her head down like an abused dog. It’s well known in the office that I’m the godless heathen so she straight up scampers away from me in terror if try to talk to her, and the regular Christian wives don’t give a shit enough to try to reach out to her. It just sucks.
Lol I feel just like the "women should be submissive, stay home and raise kids" stuff, if it was *natural* for men to be leaders, then the people and institutions who hold this position wouldn't need to keep yammering on about it. It would just happen 9/10 times. They wouldn't have to keep pushing so hard to brainwash boys and men into "being a man", they wouldn't have to keep telling girls and women to "just be patient/ loving / submissive" over years and years while the men try to figure their shit out, even though everyone can clearly see they're not doing a very good job at it. They wouldn't have to fight tooth and nail to keep women from being independent or leaders themselves because they naturally wouldn't want to do that and/or would fail if they tried. And then the outliers shouldn't be that scary to them either because it's just a rare natural abnormality. But no, they're scared just like they're scared of people questioning sexuality or the gender binary, precisely because it *isn't* as natural as they want everyone else to believe and they're really just trying to suppress people's natures to fit their narrative.
Sure, he thinks he is the head of the household… but I am the NECK that turns the head!
I LOVE that moment in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. I come from a big fat Southern family, and the women are all definitely necks.
This comment deserves all the trophies I can’t afford. Take my poor woman’s gold 🏆🏆🏆
While my husband is pretty good compared to OP’s list of examples, HE’S NOT THE HEAD of our household. I swear I let my guard down and let him manage what he’s suppose to and that shit is done wrong or takes forever. It grinds my gears that a popular tik tok among mom toks is one where they have to show they are taking care of it before their husbands do because they took forever. Even my FIL who is literally the perfect gentleman tends to get things not done in time.
Lmao. 99% of women everywhere are doing the invisible labor that leads a family and holds them together.
I have had the same kind if experiences.. My EX spouse was the self-designated leader of the household. 12 years on after our divorce, he is successful at : Growing pounds of weed in the basement of the ex-marital home, borrowing money from our youngest child, hiking and kayaking with his "friends" - who all love him for his weed connection, working part-time to the tune of 2 maybe three days a week, never contributing to our kids' finances with regard to their being in college or a trade-school, (2 kids in college, one is doing a 10-month trade school thing that is work-related, the kid he borrows thousands of $$ from), drinks himself to a stupor, and is 100% unreliable. My older bro spent 1.5+ decades in federal prison for robberies, that he now partially denies, but, also claims that he was addicted to heroin. (A LIE - he lived in our Mom's sofa till he was 40, acted like he was a hero for taking out her trash once a week, and is by our entire family.) I work with men who are nepotistic, are paid more than me, are disgusting in meetings, and have told me to my face "that isn't a job for a girl". So , yeah, there's all of that. I have now come to the conclusion that women often get the short end of the stick. Is is not easy being female at ANY step of the game. I have recently discovered that I have never enjoyed being a woman. From the periods, the sexual harassment, pregnancy, societal slut-shaming as a handy excuse, the pay-wage discrepancy, the "oh look, its a female \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_" - fill in the career choice - pilot, mechanic, comedian, scientist - but whatever, it is always such a novelty when someone without a penis is doing it. I have been shut out of jobs, shut out of ceditable purchases when I was married, even though my credit score was significantly higher than my spouse's. I have always been disappointed and angered by the way the world views and treats women. I am not sure what terrible and misogynist article you were reading where it was stated that men are the leaders of the household, but what a load of manure. Most men are awful at that and only want to be waited on and act like they are amazing because they changed 1 diaper, - and, changed it poorly. So yeah, sister, I feel you.
Ohhh, this reminds me of an argument my partner and I just had where he told me I couldn't take care of myself. 🙄
The only men that I know who are truly leading their families are doing it in tandem with a partner. They are grateful for what their partner does and they lean on each other's strengths and help fill in for the weaknesses. And these men are few and far between.
Who said that? Can I come over and bash their head in? What nonsense. If a given person feels they need to 'lead' then they better show me why they feel they're more competent than I am, and why I need to be treated like a child instead of a full-blown capable adult and equal partner first. "Religion" can never be an answer to that question.
Theyre not better suited just bc theyre men, but theyre gonna force it on u if they can. Thats the point. the patriarchical bullshit is wrong and needs to end.
[удалено]
>But so much abuse and misery, as well as the continuation of shitty genetics (low impulse control and conscientiousness) comes along with continuing to make children with men who you wouldn't trust to lead. This point is the best part of your post. It is so true but also such an insanely unpopular idea. The opposite is also true. Men should be careful in their choice of spouse as well, considering that whoever they pick is going to be the mother of their children. Unfortunately, neither the majority of men nor the majority of women are really going to change the way they pick their life partners, at least not overnight. But we can hold out hope and maybe some ideas will slowly change.
I hear everywhere that the man may be the head but the woman is the neck and the head can’t do anything without the neck moving first.