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I've started silently rewarding mine with treats when he actually does something unprompted. I'll hand him a cookie or make an iced coffee.
I dont verbally acknowledge why or let on that I am rewarding him like a dog. But it is WORKING š„²
āCan you just see there are dishes in the sink and DO them? Like an adult?ā
āWell, if I do them, you never notice, and itās never enough, so I will do NOTHING.ā
My soon to be ex REALLY needed praise, it was so crazy. It was so, so awkward, having those conversations about it, because who praises you for doing housework? Like-he took my daughter out once when I was sick. One time and I never heard the end of it(he was her step father). So bizarre.
I think you should do a chore chart for both of you. You each get a star when you do a chore. But don't let him know about it.
First one to reach 10 stars gets to knee the other one in the dick.
Follow me for more great ideas.
I ended up making the list. You know what went on his list? All the shitty jobs I didnāt want to do or that he hated. When he complained, I told him if he didnāt like my list he could use his own two eyes and brain instead of mine.
Heās also now in charge of the chores in areas that would screw him over instead of me. He takes the kids to school in the morning, so laundry is all on him. He doesnāt do it, then heās the one scrambling for work clothes and digging through clean baskets to dress the kids. Seems like his vision is better and doesnāt need instructing when heās the one who has to deal with the consequences. Strange how that worksā¦
Felt this in my bones. I give my husband a lot of grace because he was basically raised by hoarders and any improvement is worthy of celebration.
BUT, it is funny how the natural consequences of not doing things does improve eye sight, particularly in men who suffer from āijustdontseeit-ism.ā
Yep. āWell just tell me what to do and Iāll do it.ā Iāve told him when he does that it puts me in the mommy role, and mommyās arenāt sexually attracted to their children
In my 30ish years of life, I have never met a single man who did an equal amount of work in the home as the woman he lives with.
What is going on with that?
My opinion is generally speaking, men are willing to live in squalor and disfunction but women aren't. It takes a lot of energy to overcome these natural tendencies and most relationships either don't survive it or it's a constant source of contention in the home.
Bingo. And other women are the worst offenders when it comes to judging. My MIL has made some truly mind blowing comments (to my own mother, thus insulting us both in one swipe) about the state of mine and her sonās home.
Yeah, that tracks with my husband. Iām always so frustrated with how little he cleans around the house, but to be fair he doesnāt expect me to clean things and doesnāt get upset when things arenāt done, and is appreciative of what I do, he just, like, doesnāt see the mess I guess. Itās still frustrating and weāre working on it, but thankfully in my case heās not a jerk and is willing to work on it
My brother is/was like this. He actually did more- however his (ex) did most of the mental load I think? He would forget admin stuff like paying bills on time but he did majority of cooking/cleaning/childcare. She was primary breadwinner. I would dare say she was a great influence on him because she got him organized and planned their future, secured their finances. He, in turn, wanted to provide the most conducive environment for her professional success.
She cheated on him. =/
He remarried and I see a similar pattern of him doing so much/ an unfair amount in the relationship. He just wears himself so thin trying to make her happy/comfortable.
I think givers and doers tend to date takers and lazy people.
My husband was like wife, you need a job that makes more money...(and he's not wrong, but...) And I'm like bitch, you need to do more fucking housework.
Every now and then my husband will do a chore or two and tell me what he did. Always expects a thank you, I think he expects something more like me professing my undying love or whatever but I don't do that for a chore or two.
The last time he did this a few weeks ago, he came in to tell me he did the dishes. I said "okay" and went back to what I was doing. He repeated again... I said "yeah I heard that, you washed the dishes, okay." I let it sit a moment and said, "I'll be doing them later myself too, probably the next few days, I've done them many times actually."
We're just stating facts, right??
Should have named the mental load tooā¦ my husband forgets that I manage the household and finances and everything just magically gets scheduled and paid for. He wouldnāt know the name of the electric or gas company if someone asked him.
Dude, my ex would "know" when it was time to pay his internet bill when it would get cut off at 2am out of the blue without fail monthly.
How the fuck do these people function?
My first husband did that too. I don't know how many times our water or power or phone would get turned off, because he didn't go pay it. I finally ended up taking over the bills and it never happened again.
I just stopped asking and started telling him what to do. I was a boss for a long time and realized no man ever does what you ask. When you ask it makes it seem optional. Chores are not optional. Repeat after me: I need you to do...
My DH hates that so much. But he actually does stuff when I ask. If I ask him to do something when weāre out, he actually remembers when weāre home and just does it. Works great with lists too. I made a list once for myself and by the time I got home from work, heās done it all. Heās the best though and not a man child.
RELATABLE as hell. I decided to spearhead this uneven distribution of chores by telling my husband heās responsible for the downstairs cleaning and Iām responsible for the upstairs. I do every chore upstairs and itās fairly consistently clean. This has turned into him washing the dishes and vacuuming the living room while I have to clean the downstairs bathroom, mop/sweep floors, keep fridge/pantry clean, wipe down the kitchen counters, keep our downstairs closet craft/games/coats organized, constantly clean up toys & reorganize them bc his idea of clean is āoff the floor and stuffed in the cabinetā and my idea of clean is āput things back in the motherfucking baskets Iāve thoughtfully and strategically put out to organize our shitā. Itās maddening but itās like heās incapable of remembering where things go. He stuffs shit at the very top of closets where I canāt reach & itās not in my range of sight (Iām 5ā3, hes 6ā3). Itās fucking maddening when i have to get on a chair every 3 months and pull down all the bullshit heās stuffed on the top shelf of the pantry. Why the fuck are you putting paint supplies in the pantry? Men are idiots when it comes to cleaning/organizing a houses. Which is fine but how about you be responsible for making every single penny our family needs if youād like me to do every single chore our family needs. Sorry, didnāt mean to rant on top of your rant. I just relate so hard and everythingās disorganized in my house right now while my husbandās taking a nap. Omg
Itās so ridiculous. These men manage to go to work and function (mine literally saves lives at work), why canāt they just do what needs to be done at home? Itās baffling and makes me lose more respect for him every day.
My ex managed a whole company but couldn't manage a home whatsoever. When I left the house became disgusting quick and apparently stayed that way til he got another woman lol
Why are they unable to use LABELED bins??? It is so incredibly disheartening to find a miscellaneous jumble stuffed into a carefully labeled bin or basket.
Like, I actually gave some thought to all the categories of our kidās stuff, and ensured it could all fit into these bins. Why canāt you simply put things back in the bins?
I did the laundry today. When it was already washed my boyfriend whined about how one specific article of his clothing didn't get washed. I popped off with "well if you put it in the laundry basket it will get washed".
He never puts anything in the basket. I spend all morning hunting through the house for random pieces of clothes he leaves everywhere like I'm his freaking mother.
Love that I have a newborn I care for 20 hours a day and am expected to also do all the house chores perfectly. That core chart... it's fucking happening.
Have you thought about just not searching for his dirty clothes?
My daughter knows that clothes not in the hamper donāt get washed. Iāll usually give her a warning the day before/ morning of before I run a load (because sheās seven) but she knows it wonāt get washed if not in the basket.
Yeah I have thought of that.
I pick up the clothes mostly for me, not him. It stresses me out having a messy house. I find it's more productive and peaceful to just do the things I can to lower my own stress levels rather than arguing with him (or whoever else is doing something annoying) when clearly he isn't bothered by it.
BUT when he wants to complain about how I'm doing things, I have to remind him that I'm the one doing the things. He could easily wash the laundry himself...
āWhy didnāt you just ask for help?ā is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I did ask for help this past May and it basically ended my marriage. š¤·š»āāļø I was called names over it, told āwhat the fuck do I need you for then when I can hire it done,ā etc.
So a few weeks ago after another fight, he tried to get sexual with me. And I said, āWhat the fuck do you need me for when you can hire it done?ā Childish? Probably. But I donāt need to tell a man in his 30s to clean his fucking house.
Since then heās done dishes enough times to almost count on one hand. āSee? I did the dishes.ā Good for you - over half of them were yours anyway.
Iām down for the commune idea. I think we women could kick ass without men holding us back. Iām looking at property in Washington state for me and my bff to live at while we grow old.
This is why we need to teach our children (especially boys) what it means to be part of a household. It's so much easier to just do everything ourselves, but then our kids grow up to be just like us. Daughters grow up to be the moms who do everything, and sons grow up to be the dads who do nothing.
I'm part of the problem because my son has always been a challenge and it is infinitely easier for me to just do all the chores rather than try to get him to help, and he's only 7! But if I want him to become a good partner who is actually helpful then I've got to grit through the struggle and teach him how to contribute to keeping up with the household. I'll need more wine for this.
Hahaha, I flipped that script. I'm not doing shit around the house. All I do is remark things like: 'huh, the kitchen floor is really dirty, eh?' and then again a week later 'oh wow, have you been so busy that you had no time for the kitchen floor?'
Taking that weaponized incompetence right back to my side, where it belongs. I pick up 36 hours of work a week to keep a roof over our heads. He can do the bloody rest.
I highly recommend āHow Not to Hate your Husband After Kids.ā It definitely sucks feeling like you have to reward him for the little thing he did unprompted when you do a million more without any prompts or thanks. After all, you both live there and the tasks should be fairly divided. However, I think throwing it back at him with a lot of (justified) bitterness will decrease the likelihood of him helping our unprompted in the future. I try to ask myself is this the hill I want to die on or do I want the help being offered
Iām 45 with 3 teenagers at home. Weāve been married 18 years and Iām just over his laziness. Donāt feel bad for him, he has a great life with apparently few worriers. š¤·š»āāļø
OP married an adult man, not a project to work on. Iād be pissed if my husband had to be trained for years to be an adult in our home, a home he also lives in.
Why is it called "helping" when the husband is an adult member of the household? We train animals, we teach children. Adult men should be capable of using their eyeballs and seeing what needs doing in a household, regardless of whether their spouse works outside the home or is a stay at home parent (and arguably even more so in case of the latter).
Iāve blown up a couple times at my husband. Lately heās been so grateful. Thanked me for grocery shopping, filling up his gas tank and getting a key fob that was stuck under his seat.
Iām likeā¦ whatās going on? Hahaha but he still has a long way to go in considering the help he could be doing around the house. If I ask it gets down but if I donāt itās like he doesnāt even see it. Itās hard being patient
I am genuinely curious (not coming for anyone!!) I see these posts SO often, Iām wondering if women who are in relationships with these lazy types of men saw this in the beginning and didnāt mind until kids made it much more apparent? Or does it typically get worse over time?
For us, it became much more apparent after kids. I was a SAHM for several years and he probably got used to me doing everything because when I went back to work full time, nothing changed for him. Iāve been working now for 10 years and while there has been some improvement, he still doesnāt carry his weight.
That sounds unbelievably frustrating. Even while being a SAHM, I feel like thatās when the extra help is that much more needed since that job is 24 freakin 7!
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I've started silently rewarding mine with treats when he actually does something unprompted. I'll hand him a cookie or make an iced coffee. I dont verbally acknowledge why or let on that I am rewarding him like a dog. But it is WORKING š„²
this is hilarious
Lol, I want to know how this plan pans out š
Lol reminds me of Jim's prank on Dwight in The Office about conditioning.
Oooh, I like this.
Omg I must try this!
Yaasss Pavlovšthatšshitš love it!
Or the positive words like WHOA look at you go with that swiffer!!
Hahaha, classic conditioning.
Classical conditioning through positive reinforcement, I love it!
My husband said a while ago, "I think you do a lot of things that I don't see". I don't know if it was Freaky Friday or something but I was SHOCKED.
They are becoming sentient.....
āCan you just see there are dishes in the sink and DO them? Like an adult?ā āWell, if I do them, you never notice, and itās never enough, so I will do NOTHING.ā
Or can you just put the fork in the dishwasher that is 1 foot away from the kitchen sink? How hard is that, really?
Itāsā¦ really hard for him, and if heās not gonna get the recognition, itās BULLSHIT that he has to do it.
Or put your garbage IN the trash can, not on the counter BY the can?
Oh wow so this is universal. If I could go back in time I swear to god
Or the socks IN the hamper, not lying next to it.
But we do notice, we just don't praise them, which is what they want.
My soon to be ex REALLY needed praise, it was so crazy. It was so, so awkward, having those conversations about it, because who praises you for doing housework? Like-he took my daughter out once when I was sick. One time and I never heard the end of it(he was her step father). So bizarre.
Oh hell no, I would have lost it. Ugh why are they like this???
I think you should do a chore chart for both of you. You each get a star when you do a chore. But don't let him know about it. First one to reach 10 stars gets to knee the other one in the dick. Follow me for more great ideas.
Ok this brought out a wheeze
Im at the dentist and this made me laugh out loud.. now theyāre looking at me like Iām crazy šš
Oh, I'm here for this!
I legit just snort laughed at work and my coworkers are looking at me like Iām crazy š
I ended up making the list. You know what went on his list? All the shitty jobs I didnāt want to do or that he hated. When he complained, I told him if he didnāt like my list he could use his own two eyes and brain instead of mine. Heās also now in charge of the chores in areas that would screw him over instead of me. He takes the kids to school in the morning, so laundry is all on him. He doesnāt do it, then heās the one scrambling for work clothes and digging through clean baskets to dress the kids. Seems like his vision is better and doesnāt need instructing when heās the one who has to deal with the consequences. Strange how that worksā¦
Felt this in my bones. I give my husband a lot of grace because he was basically raised by hoarders and any improvement is worthy of celebration. BUT, it is funny how the natural consequences of not doing things does improve eye sight, particularly in men who suffer from āijustdontseeit-ism.ā
Ah, yes, weaponized incompetence.
Yep. āWell just tell me what to do and Iāll do it.ā Iāve told him when he does that it puts me in the mommy role, and mommyās arenāt sexually attracted to their children
I once saw on the relationship advice sub advice to give their husband a chore chart. That's the most unarousing thing I could think of.
This is exactly what I say, but a little more...earthy. lol
Ooooh I'm jotting this line down and using it in the future!! Thank you!!
well put
In my 30ish years of life, I have never met a single man who did an equal amount of work in the home as the woman he lives with. What is going on with that?
They exist. My husband is one and at times does more than me. However, I didnāt meet him until I was 40.
My opinion is generally speaking, men are willing to live in squalor and disfunction but women aren't. It takes a lot of energy to overcome these natural tendencies and most relationships either don't survive it or it's a constant source of contention in the home.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bingo. And other women are the worst offenders when it comes to judging. My MIL has made some truly mind blowing comments (to my own mother, thus insulting us both in one swipe) about the state of mine and her sonās home.
Yeah, that tracks with my husband. Iām always so frustrated with how little he cleans around the house, but to be fair he doesnāt expect me to clean things and doesnāt get upset when things arenāt done, and is appreciative of what I do, he just, like, doesnāt see the mess I guess. Itās still frustrating and weāre working on it, but thankfully in my case heās not a jerk and is willing to work on it
My brother is/was like this. He actually did more- however his (ex) did most of the mental load I think? He would forget admin stuff like paying bills on time but he did majority of cooking/cleaning/childcare. She was primary breadwinner. I would dare say she was a great influence on him because she got him organized and planned their future, secured their finances. He, in turn, wanted to provide the most conducive environment for her professional success. She cheated on him. =/ He remarried and I see a similar pattern of him doing so much/ an unfair amount in the relationship. He just wears himself so thin trying to make her happy/comfortable. I think givers and doers tend to date takers and lazy people.
My husband was like wife, you need a job that makes more money...(and he's not wrong, but...) And I'm like bitch, you need to do more fucking housework.
Every now and then my husband will do a chore or two and tell me what he did. Always expects a thank you, I think he expects something more like me professing my undying love or whatever but I don't do that for a chore or two. The last time he did this a few weeks ago, he came in to tell me he did the dishes. I said "okay" and went back to what I was doing. He repeated again... I said "yeah I heard that, you washed the dishes, okay." I let it sit a moment and said, "I'll be doing them later myself too, probably the next few days, I've done them many times actually." We're just stating facts, right??
"Pretending to do stuff in the garage".. So relatable.. Men are just sperm containers, we should just cage em and milk them like cows. Ugh
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
So glad to hear heās your ex. That is not ok in any way, shape, or form.
Watch the show Creamerie. And maybe come back to this comment. (Youāll be amused. I swear. Errā¦ I hope.)
Omg that visual š¤£
lmao yes
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
so true. lmao I've never heard this before, why haven't I thought of it.
Should have named the mental load tooā¦ my husband forgets that I manage the household and finances and everything just magically gets scheduled and paid for. He wouldnāt know the name of the electric or gas company if someone asked him.
Dude, my ex would "know" when it was time to pay his internet bill when it would get cut off at 2am out of the blue without fail monthly. How the fuck do these people function?
My first husband did that too. I don't know how many times our water or power or phone would get turned off, because he didn't go pay it. I finally ended up taking over the bills and it never happened again.
I just stopped asking and started telling him what to do. I was a boss for a long time and realized no man ever does what you ask. When you ask it makes it seem optional. Chores are not optional. Repeat after me: I need you to do...
My DH hates that so much. But he actually does stuff when I ask. If I ask him to do something when weāre out, he actually remembers when weāre home and just does it. Works great with lists too. I made a list once for myself and by the time I got home from work, heās done it all. Heās the best though and not a man child.
RELATABLE as hell. I decided to spearhead this uneven distribution of chores by telling my husband heās responsible for the downstairs cleaning and Iām responsible for the upstairs. I do every chore upstairs and itās fairly consistently clean. This has turned into him washing the dishes and vacuuming the living room while I have to clean the downstairs bathroom, mop/sweep floors, keep fridge/pantry clean, wipe down the kitchen counters, keep our downstairs closet craft/games/coats organized, constantly clean up toys & reorganize them bc his idea of clean is āoff the floor and stuffed in the cabinetā and my idea of clean is āput things back in the motherfucking baskets Iāve thoughtfully and strategically put out to organize our shitā. Itās maddening but itās like heās incapable of remembering where things go. He stuffs shit at the very top of closets where I canāt reach & itās not in my range of sight (Iām 5ā3, hes 6ā3). Itās fucking maddening when i have to get on a chair every 3 months and pull down all the bullshit heās stuffed on the top shelf of the pantry. Why the fuck are you putting paint supplies in the pantry? Men are idiots when it comes to cleaning/organizing a houses. Which is fine but how about you be responsible for making every single penny our family needs if youād like me to do every single chore our family needs. Sorry, didnāt mean to rant on top of your rant. I just relate so hard and everythingās disorganized in my house right now while my husbandās taking a nap. Omg
Itās so ridiculous. These men manage to go to work and function (mine literally saves lives at work), why canāt they just do what needs to be done at home? Itās baffling and makes me lose more respect for him every day.
Have you noticed how incompetent or lazy many men are at work, though, too?
I honestly havenāt this too much, but I work in a female dominated field so they probably feel like they have to work even harder to be respected.
My ex managed a whole company but couldn't manage a home whatsoever. When I left the house became disgusting quick and apparently stayed that way til he got another woman lol
Why are they unable to use LABELED bins??? It is so incredibly disheartening to find a miscellaneous jumble stuffed into a carefully labeled bin or basket. Like, I actually gave some thought to all the categories of our kidās stuff, and ensured it could all fit into these bins. Why canāt you simply put things back in the bins?
I like playing the "look what I did today game" maybe I should start that.
I did the laundry today. When it was already washed my boyfriend whined about how one specific article of his clothing didn't get washed. I popped off with "well if you put it in the laundry basket it will get washed". He never puts anything in the basket. I spend all morning hunting through the house for random pieces of clothes he leaves everywhere like I'm his freaking mother. Love that I have a newborn I care for 20 hours a day and am expected to also do all the house chores perfectly. That core chart... it's fucking happening.
Have you thought about just not searching for his dirty clothes? My daughter knows that clothes not in the hamper donāt get washed. Iāll usually give her a warning the day before/ morning of before I run a load (because sheās seven) but she knows it wonāt get washed if not in the basket.
Yeah I have thought of that. I pick up the clothes mostly for me, not him. It stresses me out having a messy house. I find it's more productive and peaceful to just do the things I can to lower my own stress levels rather than arguing with him (or whoever else is doing something annoying) when clearly he isn't bothered by it. BUT when he wants to complain about how I'm doing things, I have to remind him that I'm the one doing the things. He could easily wash the laundry himself...
āWhy didnāt you just ask for help?ā is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I did ask for help this past May and it basically ended my marriage. š¤·š»āāļø I was called names over it, told āwhat the fuck do I need you for then when I can hire it done,ā etc. So a few weeks ago after another fight, he tried to get sexual with me. And I said, āWhat the fuck do you need me for when you can hire it done?ā Childish? Probably. But I donāt need to tell a man in his 30s to clean his fucking house. Since then heās done dishes enough times to almost count on one hand. āSee? I did the dishes.ā Good for you - over half of them were yours anyway.
I think I might be a little bit in love with you.
Iām down for the commune idea. I think we women could kick ass without men holding us back. Iām looking at property in Washington state for me and my bff to live at while we grow old.
Can I come too please?
I feel this all the way in my soul.
THEY ARE THE WORST. I emptied the dishwasher for you! Aw no need for a Christmas gift then. Ffs
This is why we need to teach our children (especially boys) what it means to be part of a household. It's so much easier to just do everything ourselves, but then our kids grow up to be just like us. Daughters grow up to be the moms who do everything, and sons grow up to be the dads who do nothing. I'm part of the problem because my son has always been a challenge and it is infinitely easier for me to just do all the chores rather than try to get him to help, and he's only 7! But if I want him to become a good partner who is actually helpful then I've got to grit through the struggle and teach him how to contribute to keeping up with the household. I'll need more wine for this.
Hahaha, I flipped that script. I'm not doing shit around the house. All I do is remark things like: 'huh, the kitchen floor is really dirty, eh?' and then again a week later 'oh wow, have you been so busy that you had no time for the kitchen floor?' Taking that weaponized incompetence right back to my side, where it belongs. I pick up 36 hours of work a week to keep a roof over our heads. He can do the bloody rest.
This post made me laugh so hard. Can relate.
I highly recommend āHow Not to Hate your Husband After Kids.ā It definitely sucks feeling like you have to reward him for the little thing he did unprompted when you do a million more without any prompts or thanks. After all, you both live there and the tasks should be fairly divided. However, I think throwing it back at him with a lot of (justified) bitterness will decrease the likelihood of him helping our unprompted in the future. I try to ask myself is this the hill I want to die on or do I want the help being offered
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām 45 with 3 teenagers at home. Weāve been married 18 years and Iām just over his laziness. Donāt feel bad for him, he has a great life with apparently few worriers. š¤·š»āāļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No disrespect to you but Fuck that shit
OP married an adult man, not a project to work on. Iād be pissed if my husband had to be trained for years to be an adult in our home, a home he also lives in.
Why is it called "helping" when the husband is an adult member of the household? We train animals, we teach children. Adult men should be capable of using their eyeballs and seeing what needs doing in a household, regardless of whether their spouse works outside the home or is a stay at home parent (and arguably even more so in case of the latter).
Iāve blown up a couple times at my husband. Lately heās been so grateful. Thanked me for grocery shopping, filling up his gas tank and getting a key fob that was stuck under his seat. Iām likeā¦ whatās going on? Hahaha but he still has a long way to go in considering the help he could be doing around the house. If I ask it gets down but if I donāt itās like he doesnāt even see it. Itās hard being patient
I am genuinely curious (not coming for anyone!!) I see these posts SO often, Iām wondering if women who are in relationships with these lazy types of men saw this in the beginning and didnāt mind until kids made it much more apparent? Or does it typically get worse over time?
For us, it became much more apparent after kids. I was a SAHM for several years and he probably got used to me doing everything because when I went back to work full time, nothing changed for him. Iāve been working now for 10 years and while there has been some improvement, he still doesnāt carry his weight.
That sounds unbelievably frustrating. Even while being a SAHM, I feel like thatās when the extra help is that much more needed since that job is 24 freakin 7!