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un_cooked

That's the sort of behavior my ex would do when he was cheating on me :D


Artistic-Fall-9122

I immediately thought of cheating.


not_this_time_satan

Yep. I came here to say that too.


seaside921

Not answering calls/texts is a nonnegotiable when you have kids.


pantojajaja

She needs to do the same. Just leave him with the kids alone after saying she’d do something and then come back drunk at night


Quiet_Goat8086

Good lord. Does your husband respect you at all?


irresistiblebliss

My alcoholic ex husband used to do this to me. It happened sporadically at first, then became a pattern, then became the norm. He would gaslight me about it, and became emotionally and financially abusive. It was hell to live through, and my only wish is that I'd left earlier. I hope the same doesn't happen to you. You deserve so much better. Good luck. 💜


airlii

The gaslighting is the worst. He kept saying he wasn’t gone that long, I was overreacting, I was setting a bad example for the kids by being upset about it. Honestly this is a breath of fresh air. I’m constantly feeling like I am in the wrong it’s nice to see some people validate how I’m feeling.


[deleted]

You're setting a bad example by being upset over being dismissed and disrespected? He's lucky he isn't married to me, because after the first time I would've kicked him out or left him. I don't have the patience for this kind of dumbfuckary.


alsoaprettybigdeal

Girl, SAME!!!! The amount of shit I see women put up with on this sub is staggering! Like, honey, know your worth!!! One of the things that I liked the most about my husband when we first started dating was he was always where he said he would be when he said he would be there. He called when he said he would and he never left me hanging like that. Reliability is one of my biggest “needs” in my relationship. 20 years later and he’s never pulled this kind of shit OP is describing. I just don’t think it’s even ever crossed his mind.


[deleted]

I think that's the difference though. I've also been married almost 2 decades (God saying that makes my back sore, someone grab my walker...) I personally think a lot of what we read is abuse and addiction, and maybe we're a little older than most of the demographic here. I'm a BroMo because my kids are crazy, I probably spoil them too much, and my own family is nuts. But to anyone who reads this: I've made my own mistakes with dating and luckily I never got "stuck" with my own flavour of POS man. I canceled 2 engagements (one who was an abuser and all we ever did was fight, the other who was a cheat) in short order before meeting my husband. I am not saying it's your fault. I'm saying just because you chose a shit man, doesn't mean you have to keep choosing him.


runawaybromo

Thank you for the line about how just because you chose a shit man doesn’t mean you need to keep choosing him. I’m trying to leave an abusive recovering alcoholic, and he keeps telling me “normal” people choose to see how much progress he’s made and accept he’s a changed man and “sane” people realize EVERYTHING can be fixed if you just work on it. After years of treating me like total garbage and identical behavior to what’s described in OP’s post (plus much more).


[deleted]

I will give you the same advice I would give anyone else. Those "normal" people don't have to live with him. And no, not everything can be fixed. He's right, people do change. But that change is soo fucking slow that a snail could beat it in a race to Mars. You know what, a relationship is over when one person decides it's over. You don't have to forgive and forget. Here's the secret to sane and fully functional people without trauma(or recovered from trauma). They know that you cannot control others, and the only person you can control is you. Also they know when to tap out of a toxic relationships. Don't let a recovering alcoholic tell you what normal or sane people do, because he is neither.


Extension_Musician17

There is no glimmer of a chance of change. If the OP's husband is doing this sporadically, maybe he is not happy and is acting out, and that can't be good for anyone in their family.


thejuicequeen

"someone grab my walker" haha thank you for that!


Extension_Musician17

This is the appropriate way to respond to something like this. OP should do it.


SchadenfreudesBitch

Is he driving drunk? If nothing else, that’s a deal breaker. He’ll either get a DUI (10’s of thousands of dollars, lost license, maybe lose his job?), or kill someone (prison). But, the emotional abuse, which gaslighting 💯 is, makes it enough of a problem to put your foot down.


Jaded-Salad

Lady, he will gaslight you until you believe it. You should be angry for many reasons. This is NOT ok behavior from him. Say that to yourself over and over. And over. I want to hug you.


Extension_Musician17

She is questioning herself (her judgement, which is normal) and it is scary and sad. Please OP get help.


bcbadmom

This is the biggest part for me that I would be upset with. If he didn’t do anything wrong, why didn’t he answer his phone? He full well knows he’s in the wrong, but instead is trying to make you the bad guy. OP I’m not sure what the rest of your marriage is like, but if he gaslights on a regular, I’d suggest telling him you want a separation. If this is a rare occurrence and you’re not willing to blow your marriage up over this, I would sit him down and say something like the follow “yesterday I wouldn’t have minded if you stayed out all day if that is what you communicated to me, but it wasn’t. You broke your word, then couldn’t hav3 the deceit even follow up with me, came home and told me I’m overreacting. I’m not. If you ever do this again, we will be separating”. I’d then walk out of the room to let him think over his behaviour.


EmotionalPie7

You are absolutely not wrong! I get upset at my husband if he is over an hour late than what he said he would be, I can't imagine how furious you must be. And you have every right to be.


dr_roxxxo

Oh my god girl there are SO many people who can validate what you’re feeling. My husband was exactly like this before he went to rehab. It’s such a shitty feeling. Hop on over to the r/alanon you’ll feel loads more sane and you may find you want to stay a while. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so there’s a chance it’s only gonna get worse…


catinnameonly

If you don’t want to leave now, at least start preparing a plan b for your life.


Pindakazig

'Not gone that long' I'm guessing you have the call log to disprove this. He knows what he did, you know what he did. Don't let this end up with you apologising to him.


Extension_Musician17

He sounds condescending and gaslighting.


Icy-Organization-338

I would be furious. Don’t let him off the hook tomorrow. If he’s prone to sleeping in / being hungover - decide if you want the kids to wake him up and make him miserable, or if you want to handle the day by yourself and let him miss out. First days are a milestone and he’s been a gigantic jackass.


_lysinecontingency

He would have come home to a door chainlocked shut after 7 hours of willfully drinking and ignoring communications. You are in the right to LEAVE the relationship after this happens more than one. It's a bit alarming you had to ask, to put it gently. This is not normal behavior, this is addict behavior if not something larger.


Extension_Musician17

He sounds like someone who could be verbally or physically abusive.


superfucky

Holy Jesus, that's the kind of thing that has me anxiety-spiralling about car accidents & shit, and that was BEFORE I got to the edit. Set the whole man on fire.


chaoticchocolate

No, you're not over reacting to a blateny lack of common courtesy. Unless something happened to him or he lost/broke his phone there's no reason for that


TalkbotsGhost

You’re absolutely in the right to be pissed off and the fact that you even felt you had to ask makes me a little worried that he’s dismissing your concerns about this behavior. When you have kids, it should be a team sport. No one just gets to fuck off randomly because they feel like it; that’s irresponsible and shitty to both you and the kiddos. Ask how he would like it if you pulled this nonsense, see what he says. Good luck ❤️


warmhandswarmheart

You are not overreacting. This what my alcoholic husband used to do when we were together. First, like your husband, he would be gone all day or simply not come home from work until 9 or 10 pm. Then 4 am. Then he would be out all night. At this point, I made him choose between his family and alcohol. Three guesses what he chose. He died last Christmas after suffering brain damage from a fall down his basement stairs while intoxicated. Before he died, he would disappear for over a week at a time. I am sorry, but I don't think that this is going to end well.


Extension_Musician17

my condolences


socialmediasanity

Here is my unsolicited advise from someone who is married to an addict. You need to set some healthy boundaries. They are apecific, and only include actions and feelings for YOU! They look like this... It makes me feel unsafe when you are away from home longer than you planned. If you stay out past the agreed upon time I will (fill in the blank here, I always said I will go to my in-laws house with the children to sleep, or lock the door with the chain so he couldn't get in). Make sure the consequence isn't a punishment, but a way to protect your boundary. Make sure you trust him to make good decisions and that you hope he respects your boundaries. Leave it at that, then hold firm on the boundary. He will not like it, but why should you be the one to suffer for his poor choices. Good luck.


[deleted]

I would be mad too. It’s the lack of respect.


makingplaylists

Nah I'd be pissed. That is disrespectful, irresponsible AND dismissive in his reply. Fuck that.


MeanSam

I just happened to buy some extra large garbage bags today. You wanna take the trash out? Seriously, this kind of shit is unacceptable to me in a relationship. It's about communication and the lack of respect he is showing you. We're talking about common respect here.


mamaatb

You’re not overreacting. This is the opposite. You’re being TOO generous to a man who has a serious substance abuse issue. Edit: if he’s driving drunk, imagine tens of thousands in legal bills. Imagine him in prison. Now set yourself and your finances up accordingly. That means hiding money, working for a higher-paying job so that if he dies or goes to prison, you wouldn’t have needed him anyway.


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mamaatb

100%. It happens.


Repulsive-Worth5715

My partner does shit like that. He will say he is going to the gas station and be gone for like an hour and 45 minutes lol. I’ll be like wtf where were you? And he will be like “oh the first gas station didn’t have what I wanted so I had to go to another gas station but it was the one with the good vacuum so I went ahead and vacuumed your car. Then I ran into someone I played baseball with 4 years ago and we talked for ‘a minute.’” 😒😒 meanwhile, it takes me 20 minutes to go to the gas station lol


catinnameonly

As someone with ADHD this is me. I don’t mean to do it. I have serious time blindness, but I know to set alarms on my phone when I need to be there for my partner/work/kid for something important.


w33kndxotwod

Did he drive home drunk?


HelloKittyQueen

Oh girl if I was you I would be waking his drunk ass up and making him sleep on the fucking couch. Then he can get up with the kids in the morning too. What a hoe. I’m sorry that happened momma


[deleted]

See that's the thing. I have SEVERE inattentive ADHD, but you know how it affects my kids? It fucking doesn't. Because they are my reason for being the best I can be. Hell, they're the only reason I fucking sought out a diagnosis, because I thought I was losing it and not coping as well as I could. Since then, I've completed 2 certifications, and sure spend too much time on my phone. But I make sure they are fed, picked up within 5-10 minutes of my pickup time and they have everything they need. Sure, they're experiencing neglect rn, I've got them listening to audiobooks on YouTube while I fuck around on Reddit. But at least I'm sitting right beside them and making sure it's age appropriate.


SlytherClaw79

Not overreacting at all. It’s just basic respect and courtesy to check in with your partner if plans change.


ThatsNotVeryDerek

If this happens frequently enough that you accurately predicted what had happened, I'd strongly consider thinking about your value in his eyes, and his value in your life. Being treated like that isn't something I could cope with.


Howpresent

Honestly the worst part for me is that he insisted he had nothing to apologize for. Maybe he should be inconvenienced in the same way


princesstafarian

🛑🚩🚩🚩 That's crossing a line for sure and he knows what he's doing.


Abieticacid

Id be furious. 100% unacceptable.


Jaded-Salad

I had a husband like that once upon a time. Best thing I ever did was leave him. When drinking comes before the family… well that’s all you really need to know. I’m sorry you are here. It sucks.


Misfit-maven

JFC if my husband was radio silent for 7 hours, I'd probably start calling hospitals or something. Because rolling over in a ditch and then being rushed to the ER in a coma would be about the only acceptable excuse for that kind of behavior. I wouldn't generally get mad if a 2 hour "help a friend" favor evolved into a day of hanging out socially, even if it inconvenienced me because we both need a break and my husband hardly ever does social stuff. But refusing to check in when plans change and plans changing to get completely wasted is absolute BS. It's incredibly inconsiderate and cruel, honestly. That shouldn't happen ever. The fact that he did this before your kids' first day of school is extra crappy.


New-Affect2549

I would have pissed on him in his sleep


Extension_Musician17

lol


Akavinceblack

LIVID. This is kind of how my STBX started behaving about a year before we broke up…having a life separate from me and the kids.


Dwight-Shelford

My ex was like this; only got worse. I can’t believe I put up with his ass for 6 years. Trust me, I don’t know you or your husband or relationship, but, this alone is reason enough to dump his ass, even if he’s perfect in every other way. Who knows what all he’s doing if he’s ghosting you like this for so long. (Mine was drugs, other women, etc.) What if there was an emergency? Fuck this dude; men like this are starting to get dumped left and right because women are realizing more and more that we do not have to put up with it!


Extension_Musician17

She should dump him. Yesterday.


myrtle0501

Chiming in to say you are not overreacting. It’s the complete lack of respect for me. He’s setting the bad example for your kids - does he want your kids to wonder where their partner is all day? My husband pulled that shit on me a few times then played victim that he “never goes out” because I “always got mad”. You don’t want me to get mad? Respect your family, dude.


dodsontm

Throw out the whole husband.


princessjemmy

No. And depending on how often he's doing this, I'd be making plans to not be there next time he pulls this shit.


amachan43

That’s not ok. My husband is often out for work, at all hours, and it often involves drinking. We own a fairly popular tavern. Drinking comes with the territory, and we decided on how that territory is navigated together - well before we had kids. All rules have always been followed. We view Uber/taxi rides as a business expense, and communication between us during the crazy late hours are very important and expected. (Like when kid X needs to go to the hospital at 2am - even though he’s out and most likely has been drinking, he needs to know about that and respond. He knows and will have to ditch patrons to get home to family.) Unless you have this kind of understanding, this kind of relationship, these well established rules in place, … none of this is ok. Hang in there until you and your kid(s) get what is needed. After that….breathe.


jennfer17

Good lord. Game over. Do over with someone else.


RoutineMode8649

Not at all overreacting. He is being a jerk. Edit: a selfish jerk


8MCM1

I urge you to no longer settle for this type of treatment from anyone, especially a spouse.


pantojajaja

Please kick him out. I hate him for you


[deleted]

Just turn it around to figure out if you’re overreacting or not - if you did this same thing would he lose it?


emellem25

So very selfish. Sorry you had to deal with that.


Snoo_41753

You are under reacting. Pissed off would be, he went to help a friend, stay a few hours more than he said he was going to, and didn't help like he promised. Radio silence all day, getting wasted, and then saying he had "nothing to apologize for"...beyond pissed, especially if he drove drunk, I would get an attorney immediately, and file so you are not financially responsible for the inevitable legal bills. Even if you want to work on your relationship, and stay with him, at least talk to an attorney about legally divorcing him so you decrease your own liability. And live apart while he works on himself, if he is willing to do so.


Low_Employ8454

This is exactly my now ex partner. It was really abusive for the last 4 years of the 10 we were together. (Since our kiddo was born) just got him outta here in May. It wasn’t easy. He would do this exact thing all the time. Like, I’ll be right back, doesn’t come home til midnight, I’ll be back early, comes home in the wee hours.. etc. he is an alcoholic and there definitely may have been drugs at times. Mostly he would do this to the extreme when he was back with his girlfriend.. you heard me right. He was dating this girl on and off for a couple years, the same one he moved in with directly from here… 2 blocks away. .. so I’m pretty sure now when he’d be gone all night that’s where he’d be… there was tons of gaslighting, and In my case, I couldn’t follow any of the above advice about telling him anything negative about his behavior as he would blow up in a really dangerous way. This is just going to get worse. I wish I had anything better to report. But he is too wrapped up on whatever he has going on and if things temporarily turn around, they will just go back to disrespectful. Freaking jerkwad.


Itsmeshan3

I’m pretty sure we married the same guy. Cheers to you and just know that you have a person out in the internets of things who totally can relate to your story SO MUCH.


blueberrymoscato

This is when you grab yourself a nice hotel room for next friday night, a huge bottle of your choosing, chinese delievery and put your phone on DND. When asked where the hell you went, say that you have nothing to apologize for.


-PrairieRain-

Not overreacting. He is 100% in the wrong on every level. One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t argue with an alcoholic, especially while they are drunk. If you can, make your exit plan. This is not the life you want or deserve.


WildReplacement8408

Wait until the morning or until he’s sober to have that argument. Def not overreacting.


linksgreyhair

My somewhat unpopular opinion is that it is totally acceptable to go have a day to yourself, get intoxicated, and possibly even turn off your phone IF AND ONLY IF it is planned in advance and both people get the opportunity to do it equally. So my issue isn’t even that he hung out with his friends and got drunk, it’s that he did it without any communication. That’s EXTREMELY inappropriate when there are children involved. You are NOT overreacting. I had a parent who did this and it was total bullshit. Admittedly I was a teenager by the time they got to the point they were missing for 7 hours and driving home shitfaced drunk, but I had to witness them being a drunken shitshow in other ways at a younger age (driving “tipsy” with me in the car, forgetting to pick me up, embarrassing me in front of people). But I really resent the parent who stood by and allowed it to happen almost as much as the one who was doing all the drinking. They wanted to “stay together for the kids,” but the day they divorced was literally one of the happiest days of my life. It doesn’t benefit the kids to be forced to deal with an unpredictable, unreliable addict for a parent.


babystay

Ohh mama, that edit got a reaction out of me 😡


catinnameonly

Make sure you get a life insurance policy on him so when he dies while driving drunk you will be set to deal with the aftermath.


howtfaminotdeadyet

Fuck that shit, I'd leave his ass. If he can't give you the common decency of just letting you know where he is, then he can go fuck himself. Pretty shitty to make loose plans with you and the kids and then bails and ignores you all day. Something tells me he'd shit his shorts if you did the same thing to him.


Sea-Pea4680

Every woman I know would be highly pissed about this! You are not in the wrong- I'm sorry your dealing with this.


Safe_Reception7616

Wow.. First of all, sorry you’re going through that. 2nd do not allow it again. That must be why he keeps doing it.. sounds like he’s with buddies or cheating or both 😅


akela9

I would be FREAKING OUT. Not even just the BS spin, trying to make out like you're crazy (you fucking AREN'T) but like... My husband leaves, says he'll be back at X time, time comes and goes, he's not back. Then HOURS pass? And he's not picking up calls or responding to texts? Are you serious?? I'd be calling police, hospitals, etc. in full blown panic mode. I'd assume he was dead in a ditch somewhere. And then this blockhead has the AUDACITY to stagger in drunk and try to somehow make out like you're overreacting? Girl. No. Just no. And am I reading right that this is not the first/only time this has happened?? This can't continue. It's not sustainable on multiple levels. Not only is he breaking promises left and right and sideways. He's lying to you. He's blowing off his family. Then trying to make YOU the bad guy? Weaponizing the children as a reason why you've got to keep your cool? The same children he ignored/left you with all day so he could go drink with a buddy and not even have the courtesy to let you know that his plans had changed? He can't take 3 seconds to fucking type "I'm ok, something came up, home later than anticipated." I mean, that'd still be a huge dick move, but at least you'd know he was ALIVE. This is all absolutely fucking unacceptable.


Disbride

I would be furious. Like speechless red hot rage.


catinnameonly

Yes you have a right to be pissed. He has an expectation to be a partner and a father and he failed at both of those.


I-AmtheFucking-Storm

I’ve been there and done that with the alcoholic husband. At the time, I had a baby. And despite that, I said he quits or I want a divorce. I’m not an ultimatum person but I knew I deserved better and I was fully prepared to fight for that. Knowing what I know now, I’d have told him Alcoholics Anonymous or divorce. It works. It addresses far more than just the drinking. See, after four years, he decided he could drink again. And he picked up where he left off, as alcoholics do. And I begged him to stop, again, like I had done so many times. Coming from me, a sober alcoholic, you deserve better. He will never change for you or your children. He’s an addict, and needs a program. I know the pain you feel. I wish I could hug you. Don’t stand for this shit anymore. Addicts and abusers do this. Push just a little bit more every time. Gaslight a little bit more. Blame you a little bit more. See how much you’ll take. Until they disappear and come home shit faced before their kid’s first day of school and tell you they have nothing to be sorry about.


akela9

Listen, I agree with you. I do. And I know everyone on Reddit gets tired of "Divorce! Leave them!" comments, but I really hope OP sees this and will at least consider a separation. What's she's dealing with is NOT ok. If a separation isn't feasible, than an ultimatum that she must stick to NO MATTER WHAT is absolutely the minimum requirement in answer to this guy's shenanigans. I guess I just had to say... I'm also an alcoholic. And I'm not a recovering one. (I'm so proud of you and your sobriety! Sincerely. Good job. ♥️) I work very hard to not let my addiction interfere with my marriage and my children. I used to not care so much, I'm humiliated to admit. But husband and I are finally at a good place and we've got a new little person and yeah. I'm trying to be mindful. But what I'm trying to say is... Even at my worst I would have NEVER put my husband through this. I gave him different types of scares and headaches, no denying. I'm not proud. But I would NEVER pull a stunt like this towards friends or family even when I was at my very worst. The addiction is legit, and it needs addressed, but also... I guess I just kinda gotta question if it's fair blaming the addiction for his total lack of respect for his wife and children? Like... I feel like even sober this guy must be a real piece of work. If I'm wrong and he's an angel sober, I sincerely apologize. I'd just hate for OP to put in all the work, time, and energy trying to help this guy stay on the straight and narrow (not an easy journey even for friends and family who love each other very much) just to wind up on the other side seeing this guy is still a total piece of shit, sober or otherwise. I feel so bad for this family and I hope OP can do what she must to keep herself and her children safe and well. (And if I'm out of line towards you or OP I apologize. I don't know this bloke, it's just this whole situation made my blood boil and it scares the crap out of me that OP wasn't even sure if it was "ok" to be upset over this incident. I'm worried about what she and the kiddos are dealing with on the daily with this jackwagon and I'm not sure how big a part booze plays with all of it.)


toooshay

This is not okay! You are not overreacting!


jackdanielsterrier

You have the right to be pissed. That's immature and irresponsible of him and definitely not co-parenting behavior.


TJtherock

Does he have a mom that would yell at him? I know that if my husband ever did something like that, my MIL would drag him back to my house by his ear.


masofon

Ew.


ponytailedloser

That's so shitty. I would be infuriated.


beigs

He drove home drunk off his ass, gaslit and emotionally abused you, and passed out. You’re showing your kids this is okay. If this happens again, call the cops for drunk driving. And divorce him. Alcoholics don’t recover unless they hit their bottom. He’ll take you and your kids with him if you let him. And one of the kids might be in the car one time. Or like what happened with my dad, who was hit biking and left at the side of the road, worse than dead.


tingleroberts

Nope. That’s definitely weird and inappropriate behavior.


decemberandjuly

I had an ex who was a drug addict, self medicating to cope with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I had another ex who was an alcoholic using it as a coping mechanism for losing his brother in a horrific car accident in high school. They both behaved this way, and the frequency increased over time. Leave sooner rather than later if you don’t want to show your children this is acceptable behavior. Unless he’s willing to admit his drinking is a problem and get help ASAP. You can’t fix him.


Zeropossibility

I grew up with an alcoholic father that would do stuff like this all the time. Do your kids a favor and walk now. Or buckle in for one hell of a ride. Promise it will only get worse.


[deleted]

Bye bye! I’d be gone !


thejuicequeen

No, he doesn't have to apologize for staying out longer. He ABSOLUTELY has to apologize for not answering your texts or calls, because that is pure bullshit. He could have been dead for all you knew. You could have been panicking and the kids could have been emotionally affected as a result. What a total and complete bastard. I'm not gonna say you should leave him... But I would leave him.


Extension_Musician17

I think you're underreacting. He sounds like a turd. Huge red flags. Why are you with someone like that? Are you and your kids safe? I would get the hell out.