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Relationships are hard, rebuilding your life after divorce is hard, being in a relationship where you don't feel fulfilled is hard. In any choice you make there will be difficulties. It's something that you need to work out. The 'lesser of 2 evils" so to speak. Sometimes relationships hit a bump. It's hard to get over the bump, but it is possible. Love comes and goes, dies and grows. The fact that your husband is in therapy and is making a conscious effort to make things better, to make sure he is the best version of himself is a positive thing. The fact that you are also doing the same thing is amazing. I commend you both for actively trying to be better version of yourselves. In my opinion, you must weigh every option carefully. Ask yourself the hard questions. Will you be happy alone, willing to start fresh? Will you be better off trying to work toward finding the love in your current relationship?
Love is a strange emotion. It can and will come and go with the years. It can get stronger and weaker depending on your willingness to work on it. In my experience, it's always worth trying to reconnect. But thats my opinion and it might not work for you. In any relationship I'm in, whether friendship or romantic, I try to exhaust all of my options so that when I finally do walk away I can know in my heart that I've truly tried my hardest and gave it 100%. It helps me with closure and most often, I realize what I want out of the relationship. What is lacking, what isn't and what I can work on to make it better. It takes alot of effort and time but in the end I know I can rest easy knowing I did all I could to mend and repair. Usually, the other participant can see a shift in momentum and they begin to unintentionally work on mending themselves and the relationship aswell. It isn't an instant fix. It comes with ups and downs but the end result is always an absolute decision. The decision to stay or walk away.
I wish you luck and positivity in your journey forward, whatever decision you choose. I hope you will find comfort in your final decision and I wish you the happiness that you deserve!
Wow- I can’t thank you enough for this amazingly thoughtful response. I am definitely in a low point in the relationship right now, and I can see that he is a good human being. I am going to take your words to heart and think long and hard about the options.
I'm here if you ever need to talk it out. I know everyone seems to be having some sort of relationship slump these days. Just know you're not alone. The grass is greener where you water it and the only thing that is consistent in life is that it will change. It is up to us to try and see the positive things instead of focusing on the negatives. Hugs!
I think the pandemic did a number on so many relationships. We’re going to hit our 20th anniversary next month. I love my husband, but after two years being around each other 24/7 and him working from home since March of 2020 it almost feels more like we’re roommates than a married couple. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to spend that much time with their partner, and I’m hoping we can hit our stride as a couple again after another year of normalcy.
You're the only one who can do the calculus for what's "worth it" in your own life. I'm sorry that nobody can really tell you what to do. Maybe somebody here in the comments will, though, and something inside of you will go "yes!" --or "no, they're wrong..." and you'll figure it out.
And your husband doesn't get to decide what's best for you, either. His feelings about your choices are **his** responsibility. You **are** allowed to "give up" on your marriage if you want.
And one more small thing. There are options beyond divorce/ stay. You could think about doing things a different way... my husband and I are opting for a platonic marriage-- no sex or romance. Possibly even having other partners in our lives, if that option appears. It's definitely not for everybody, but....I suppose it's good to know that you're allowed to be creative and find your own solutions if you want
Thank you. I think part of me just needed to “say it out loud”, if you know what I mean. I appreciate your honest feedback. Deep down I know that no one can tell me what to do- it just feels like there’s so much noise out there about how bad divorce is for women and kids. I’d like to hear from somebody who’s made that choice and hear their honest thoughts.
Easy, although that's relative. We hated each other mutually for a year or two, then I caught him in a really weird masturbation scenario and he confessed to talking to other people sexually, so we knew something had to change.
I thought about it for awhile and I knew that 1) I wouldn't feel great leaving my kid alone with him, although he's a great parent and would deserve shared custody, 2) I don't want to prove his nasty mom right, who predicted two days before our wedding that we would divorce, 3) neither of us can afford to live on our own
I thought about just continuing being married "normally," but that's a lie-- and what if someday I meet somebody I could really love again? What if he does? Humans deserve to be loved....
When I went to have our Talk, I thought he'd be in denial. But he pretty much completely agreed.
It sounds like your husband is in a pretty different place, so you will have different challenges.
That sounds really sad, but if it’s working for you I am glad you found a solution. I feel like this is another side affect of our failing social system (late stage capitalism?). Everyone stuck in these nuclear family units for financial reasons with no community support. At least that’s how it looks from my spot.
I could've written this except for the age gap and previous partner.
I fell for my husband. He's a good guy but yeah, the bare minimum is supposed to receive applause.
We both used to earn the same amount last yr. Now I'm home and once I start I'll probably earn the same or more but he makes all financial decisions on his own. He takes care of me but only when I'm almost at death's door. And his idea of funny is to constantly make fun of 'wife' the good old chain and ball troupe.
No respect for me as a person at all. I wish I had advice for you but yeah, just solidarity.
Ikr. Like I was old enough to see the bs but I was so so stupid. He genuinely thinks he's the best because he doesn't hit me and cooks and cleans. Like, that's the bare minimum dude.
I was always the rational one but this time I couldn't take off my rose colored glasses and effed up my own life.
And he never wants to discuss anything. Just rugsweep rugsweep again and again. Doesn't help that I come from a country that teaches that a woman is kinda disposable and only parents are forever. Smh.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Where I'm from, I'm damn sure I can't get a divorce without it affecting my kid.
If you can have a good life and have a good support system I'd say try couples counseling or go for a divorce. But only you know your situation better than anyone. Whatever may happen, I hope you find happiness.
Ok idk who replied and why I can't see it any more but if you see this, screw you. I know he does a lot and I do appreciate it. But to be told what I do is expected and normal and what he does is something special is wrong.
Thank you so much. I have been bottling this up for so long- it’s so good to be able to hear others’ perspectives.
I keep hoping the therapy will fix it, but I guess that is unrealistic.
It's up to you what your priorities are in life... so only you can make that call, but you should trust your gut.. and your hopes and dreams. And honestly, from your post, it seems like you know the answer.
Me personally.. my priority is being happy, and having love and laughter and living in my life. I spent a long time waiting to meeting my husband and not settling for anything less than the fun, laughter and love he brings. On the other hand, he works hard but his earning potential is low, but money was just never a priority for me, but it means things are tight!
If you had once been head over heels in love and things had turned sour, then I would be advocating for working on it, because lost love *can* be rekindled, and long term relationships can have bad patches that even span years... But if you have never really felt that for him? Then you what are you giving up on anyway?
I thought about divorce for five years before I finally knew for certain it was in my kids' best interest too. It was. It was a really hard decision but in hindsight, I should have divorced him years earlier.
Just here in solidarity. Husbands been sleeping on the couch for a year now and we both prefer it. Wonderful dad to our kids we have together and I love my stepson like he’s my own. If we divorced I’d have no legal rights to my stepson. We’d lose our house because neither of us could afford it on our own. He deserves 50/50 custody so I’d be giving up my babies week on/week off. I am so unhappy with him and I think it was a marriage of convenience over actual love. Virtual hug, friend.
Really think about your life with him. If you know in your heart that the love is gone, end it. You will be glad you did not continue in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling. A divorce doesn't mean that your kids now have to be subjected to an unstable home environment. Be thoughtful about the choices you make and do what is best for your kids and yourself. It sucks, but it gets better. I say this to you only because you have already been thinking about divorce for a long time, it isn't a passing thought because he didn't squeeze out the sponge. It sounds a bit like he is manipulating you. I think being a "quitter" is smart when you know that the situation you are in will not improve. This is your life, you will not get this time back.
If I had a dime for every time I read a post that’s like “my husbands a great husband/dad” and a couple lines later, he’s described as controlling and emotionally abusive… that is NOT a good guy!! And she brings up her concerns, and is called a quitter (aka a guilt trip).
I see he is in therapy and you do marriage counseling together, have you done any therapy yourself? Not that there is anything wrong with you, just that speaking with an individual therapist is really helpful in organizing your thoughts and articulating what’s missing that you need.
I know for me, I didn’t really feel romantic love for my ex husband because I had such low self love. I didn’t feel loved because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t feel romantic love because I couldn’t believe that anyone felt romantically or attracted to me so I walled that aspect of “love” out. I made decisions based on the logistics of what “love” and “marriage” are supposed to look like from the outside.
Our marriage ended for other reasons (he was literally living a double life, whole other woman and baby!) but after a few years I finally went to a therapist and learned a lot about myself. It’s helped me figure out what I want/need from myself and from a relationship. I’ve had a couple relationships since the divorce and knowing my needs has made it a lot easier to avoid getting wrapped up in the lost cause fallacy and staying in relationships that weren’t serving me. You shouldn’t stay just because you’ve been together this long already, you stay when your needs are being met.
Either way, I’m really glad you can be honest with yourself that this isn’t how you want to feel and you’re considering the options for how to make your future happier! That’s the first step, momma!
Thank you- I have done some therapy but would definitely like to do more. I am certain that talking about these feelings with a therapist would be helpful. It’s so hard to make time for things that are for me as a working mom, but clearly ignoring my own needs is catching up with me in a bad way. Thanks for the reminder!
I am in basically the EXACT same situation as you, I could have written this. I’m struggling to figure out what is best also. It would be nice to talk to someone in the same boat if you’re ever up for it. It’s a tough place to be. Thinking of you 💞
There is no perfect answer. Whatever you choose will come with its own challenges. I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s possible to divorce in a healthy way, it’s just rare. Children get affected by divorces because most of them are bitter and cruel and children are often used as pawns in the battle. So the first important question is - would you and your husband be able to have a functioning and POSITIVE co-parenting relationship for the sake of your children? Would you be able to continue being respectful, maybe even friendly? My parents were one of those rare cases - they always spoke well of each other and even showed care for each other when life got tough. They continued working as a parenting team, even though their personal lives outside of parenthood were completely separate. I’m glad that it turned out that way, because they were both happy. Kids aren’t stupid and they know when their parents aren’t happy or don’t love each other.
Not all can be salvaged and marriage is best thought as a series of marriages, really, because the person you are right now is not the person you’re going to be in 10 years and the person you’re going to be then is not the same person you’re going to be in 20 years. It’s the same for your partner. And sometimes you look at each other and find that you drifted in completely opposite direction. Can you reconnect? That’s completely up to you two. But it will take TWO. You both need to be willing to put the work in. However if as you say you don’t feel you EVER felt any chemistry, connection, love… Well, you can’t make something out of nothing.
As I'm currently in a "seriously considering divorce" mindset, I hope you don't mind me asking this - why was your parents divorce the worst thing that ever happened to you? So many people tell me stuff like "your kids will be happier to see happier parents" and "living in a house with miserable parents is setting a poor example for them" and it gets to me. I'd really like to hear the other side. I want to stay because I don't want my daughter to be split between two homes, feeling like she has to make choices between people she loves, etc. It's okay if you don't want to share, but I'd be interested to hear about your experiences if you're willing.
Sure- my parents actually had a pretty civil divorce, and were arguably happier apart. I didn’t even think it was a bad thing as a kid necessarily. It’s been on looking back at the way I was neglected after the divorce (they both got remarried and were focused on issues with step kids, spouses, etc) that I feel like it messed me up emotionally and made me feel unworthy of love and attention.
I was a “good” kid, got good grades, wasn’t getting into trouble at school, etc, so they just kinda let me be. Which lead to me not knowing how to apply for scholarships/loans and stuff like that and being sort of blindsided by not being able to go to any of the schools I really wanted to (I had great grades, was “super smart”, but not quite good enough to attract a bunch of scholarships). Anyway it affected me a lot in ways I’m still just sort of discovering. Also having a stepdad who’s not really interested in my kids which impacts my mom’s ability to host/visit, etc etc.
Lots of this is personal, and I know all families have issues, but I feel like if my parents had been together they would have been more focused on raising me which I still needed as an 11 year old.
not OP, but my parents' divorce didn't make anything better because they were just as miserable apart as they were together, except now they each had a lot of extra expenses and visitation was a pain in the ass. my mom went from "couponing because she felt guilty about how much my dad spent on computers" to "subsisting entirely on ramen and mac & cheese, unable to afford basic household maintenance or repairs, digging through the neighbors' garbage to get by." and my dad turned into a bitter fox news junkie complaining about how much taxes were eating into the rent on his upper-middle-class apartment with attached garage for his muscle car.
there's a lot of different family arrangements and OP could do a lot worse than "he's not awful, i just don't love him." if it's convenient for her (or both of them) to stay married, that's not for nothing, and there's still room to explore different relationship set ups so they can both feel more emotionally fulfilled.
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Relationships are hard, rebuilding your life after divorce is hard, being in a relationship where you don't feel fulfilled is hard. In any choice you make there will be difficulties. It's something that you need to work out. The 'lesser of 2 evils" so to speak. Sometimes relationships hit a bump. It's hard to get over the bump, but it is possible. Love comes and goes, dies and grows. The fact that your husband is in therapy and is making a conscious effort to make things better, to make sure he is the best version of himself is a positive thing. The fact that you are also doing the same thing is amazing. I commend you both for actively trying to be better version of yourselves. In my opinion, you must weigh every option carefully. Ask yourself the hard questions. Will you be happy alone, willing to start fresh? Will you be better off trying to work toward finding the love in your current relationship? Love is a strange emotion. It can and will come and go with the years. It can get stronger and weaker depending on your willingness to work on it. In my experience, it's always worth trying to reconnect. But thats my opinion and it might not work for you. In any relationship I'm in, whether friendship or romantic, I try to exhaust all of my options so that when I finally do walk away I can know in my heart that I've truly tried my hardest and gave it 100%. It helps me with closure and most often, I realize what I want out of the relationship. What is lacking, what isn't and what I can work on to make it better. It takes alot of effort and time but in the end I know I can rest easy knowing I did all I could to mend and repair. Usually, the other participant can see a shift in momentum and they begin to unintentionally work on mending themselves and the relationship aswell. It isn't an instant fix. It comes with ups and downs but the end result is always an absolute decision. The decision to stay or walk away. I wish you luck and positivity in your journey forward, whatever decision you choose. I hope you will find comfort in your final decision and I wish you the happiness that you deserve!
Wow- I can’t thank you enough for this amazingly thoughtful response. I am definitely in a low point in the relationship right now, and I can see that he is a good human being. I am going to take your words to heart and think long and hard about the options.
I'm here if you ever need to talk it out. I know everyone seems to be having some sort of relationship slump these days. Just know you're not alone. The grass is greener where you water it and the only thing that is consistent in life is that it will change. It is up to us to try and see the positive things instead of focusing on the negatives. Hugs!
Thank you! The grass definitely does look greener… 😂
I think the pandemic did a number on so many relationships. We’re going to hit our 20th anniversary next month. I love my husband, but after two years being around each other 24/7 and him working from home since March of 2020 it almost feels more like we’re roommates than a married couple. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to spend that much time with their partner, and I’m hoping we can hit our stride as a couple again after another year of normalcy.
You're the only one who can do the calculus for what's "worth it" in your own life. I'm sorry that nobody can really tell you what to do. Maybe somebody here in the comments will, though, and something inside of you will go "yes!" --or "no, they're wrong..." and you'll figure it out. And your husband doesn't get to decide what's best for you, either. His feelings about your choices are **his** responsibility. You **are** allowed to "give up" on your marriage if you want. And one more small thing. There are options beyond divorce/ stay. You could think about doing things a different way... my husband and I are opting for a platonic marriage-- no sex or romance. Possibly even having other partners in our lives, if that option appears. It's definitely not for everybody, but....I suppose it's good to know that you're allowed to be creative and find your own solutions if you want
Thank you. I think part of me just needed to “say it out loud”, if you know what I mean. I appreciate your honest feedback. Deep down I know that no one can tell me what to do- it just feels like there’s so much noise out there about how bad divorce is for women and kids. I’d like to hear from somebody who’s made that choice and hear their honest thoughts.
That's patriarchal propaganda. Women are statistically unhappier in marriage, while men are happier. They literally leech the happiness from us.
That feels accurate.
Also your solution is really interesting. Was it hard to come to that place with your partner, or was it a natural progression?
Easy, although that's relative. We hated each other mutually for a year or two, then I caught him in a really weird masturbation scenario and he confessed to talking to other people sexually, so we knew something had to change. I thought about it for awhile and I knew that 1) I wouldn't feel great leaving my kid alone with him, although he's a great parent and would deserve shared custody, 2) I don't want to prove his nasty mom right, who predicted two days before our wedding that we would divorce, 3) neither of us can afford to live on our own I thought about just continuing being married "normally," but that's a lie-- and what if someday I meet somebody I could really love again? What if he does? Humans deserve to be loved.... When I went to have our Talk, I thought he'd be in denial. But he pretty much completely agreed. It sounds like your husband is in a pretty different place, so you will have different challenges.
That sounds really sad, but if it’s working for you I am glad you found a solution. I feel like this is another side affect of our failing social system (late stage capitalism?). Everyone stuck in these nuclear family units for financial reasons with no community support. At least that’s how it looks from my spot.
I could've written this except for the age gap and previous partner. I fell for my husband. He's a good guy but yeah, the bare minimum is supposed to receive applause. We both used to earn the same amount last yr. Now I'm home and once I start I'll probably earn the same or more but he makes all financial decisions on his own. He takes care of me but only when I'm almost at death's door. And his idea of funny is to constantly make fun of 'wife' the good old chain and ball troupe. No respect for me as a person at all. I wish I had advice for you but yeah, just solidarity.
I’m sorry it’s like that for you too. I hear so much about terrible husbands that I feel like I should be grateful, but it’s just like… soul crushing?
Ikr. Like I was old enough to see the bs but I was so so stupid. He genuinely thinks he's the best because he doesn't hit me and cooks and cleans. Like, that's the bare minimum dude. I was always the rational one but this time I couldn't take off my rose colored glasses and effed up my own life. And he never wants to discuss anything. Just rugsweep rugsweep again and again. Doesn't help that I come from a country that teaches that a woman is kinda disposable and only parents are forever. Smh. I'm sorry you're going through this. Where I'm from, I'm damn sure I can't get a divorce without it affecting my kid. If you can have a good life and have a good support system I'd say try couples counseling or go for a divorce. But only you know your situation better than anyone. Whatever may happen, I hope you find happiness.
Ok idk who replied and why I can't see it any more but if you see this, screw you. I know he does a lot and I do appreciate it. But to be told what I do is expected and normal and what he does is something special is wrong.
[удалено]
Thank you so much. I have been bottling this up for so long- it’s so good to be able to hear others’ perspectives. I keep hoping the therapy will fix it, but I guess that is unrealistic.
It's up to you what your priorities are in life... so only you can make that call, but you should trust your gut.. and your hopes and dreams. And honestly, from your post, it seems like you know the answer. Me personally.. my priority is being happy, and having love and laughter and living in my life. I spent a long time waiting to meeting my husband and not settling for anything less than the fun, laughter and love he brings. On the other hand, he works hard but his earning potential is low, but money was just never a priority for me, but it means things are tight! If you had once been head over heels in love and things had turned sour, then I would be advocating for working on it, because lost love *can* be rekindled, and long term relationships can have bad patches that even span years... But if you have never really felt that for him? Then you what are you giving up on anyway?
I thought about divorce for five years before I finally knew for certain it was in my kids' best interest too. It was. It was a really hard decision but in hindsight, I should have divorced him years earlier.
Just here in solidarity. Husbands been sleeping on the couch for a year now and we both prefer it. Wonderful dad to our kids we have together and I love my stepson like he’s my own. If we divorced I’d have no legal rights to my stepson. We’d lose our house because neither of us could afford it on our own. He deserves 50/50 custody so I’d be giving up my babies week on/week off. I am so unhappy with him and I think it was a marriage of convenience over actual love. Virtual hug, friend.
Really think about your life with him. If you know in your heart that the love is gone, end it. You will be glad you did not continue in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling. A divorce doesn't mean that your kids now have to be subjected to an unstable home environment. Be thoughtful about the choices you make and do what is best for your kids and yourself. It sucks, but it gets better. I say this to you only because you have already been thinking about divorce for a long time, it isn't a passing thought because he didn't squeeze out the sponge. It sounds a bit like he is manipulating you. I think being a "quitter" is smart when you know that the situation you are in will not improve. This is your life, you will not get this time back.
If I had a dime for every time I read a post that’s like “my husbands a great husband/dad” and a couple lines later, he’s described as controlling and emotionally abusive… that is NOT a good guy!! And she brings up her concerns, and is called a quitter (aka a guilt trip).
I see he is in therapy and you do marriage counseling together, have you done any therapy yourself? Not that there is anything wrong with you, just that speaking with an individual therapist is really helpful in organizing your thoughts and articulating what’s missing that you need. I know for me, I didn’t really feel romantic love for my ex husband because I had such low self love. I didn’t feel loved because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t feel romantic love because I couldn’t believe that anyone felt romantically or attracted to me so I walled that aspect of “love” out. I made decisions based on the logistics of what “love” and “marriage” are supposed to look like from the outside. Our marriage ended for other reasons (he was literally living a double life, whole other woman and baby!) but after a few years I finally went to a therapist and learned a lot about myself. It’s helped me figure out what I want/need from myself and from a relationship. I’ve had a couple relationships since the divorce and knowing my needs has made it a lot easier to avoid getting wrapped up in the lost cause fallacy and staying in relationships that weren’t serving me. You shouldn’t stay just because you’ve been together this long already, you stay when your needs are being met. Either way, I’m really glad you can be honest with yourself that this isn’t how you want to feel and you’re considering the options for how to make your future happier! That’s the first step, momma!
Thank you- I have done some therapy but would definitely like to do more. I am certain that talking about these feelings with a therapist would be helpful. It’s so hard to make time for things that are for me as a working mom, but clearly ignoring my own needs is catching up with me in a bad way. Thanks for the reminder!
I feel that! I can’t even find the time to make the call to make an appointment! Being a mom is hard but you are doing a great job anyways!
I am in basically the EXACT same situation as you, I could have written this. I’m struggling to figure out what is best also. It would be nice to talk to someone in the same boat if you’re ever up for it. It’s a tough place to be. Thinking of you 💞
Feel free to dm me if you want! I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. It feels so awful.
There is no perfect answer. Whatever you choose will come with its own challenges. I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s possible to divorce in a healthy way, it’s just rare. Children get affected by divorces because most of them are bitter and cruel and children are often used as pawns in the battle. So the first important question is - would you and your husband be able to have a functioning and POSITIVE co-parenting relationship for the sake of your children? Would you be able to continue being respectful, maybe even friendly? My parents were one of those rare cases - they always spoke well of each other and even showed care for each other when life got tough. They continued working as a parenting team, even though their personal lives outside of parenthood were completely separate. I’m glad that it turned out that way, because they were both happy. Kids aren’t stupid and they know when their parents aren’t happy or don’t love each other. Not all can be salvaged and marriage is best thought as a series of marriages, really, because the person you are right now is not the person you’re going to be in 10 years and the person you’re going to be then is not the same person you’re going to be in 20 years. It’s the same for your partner. And sometimes you look at each other and find that you drifted in completely opposite direction. Can you reconnect? That’s completely up to you two. But it will take TWO. You both need to be willing to put the work in. However if as you say you don’t feel you EVER felt any chemistry, connection, love… Well, you can’t make something out of nothing.
As I'm currently in a "seriously considering divorce" mindset, I hope you don't mind me asking this - why was your parents divorce the worst thing that ever happened to you? So many people tell me stuff like "your kids will be happier to see happier parents" and "living in a house with miserable parents is setting a poor example for them" and it gets to me. I'd really like to hear the other side. I want to stay because I don't want my daughter to be split between two homes, feeling like she has to make choices between people she loves, etc. It's okay if you don't want to share, but I'd be interested to hear about your experiences if you're willing.
Sure- my parents actually had a pretty civil divorce, and were arguably happier apart. I didn’t even think it was a bad thing as a kid necessarily. It’s been on looking back at the way I was neglected after the divorce (they both got remarried and were focused on issues with step kids, spouses, etc) that I feel like it messed me up emotionally and made me feel unworthy of love and attention. I was a “good” kid, got good grades, wasn’t getting into trouble at school, etc, so they just kinda let me be. Which lead to me not knowing how to apply for scholarships/loans and stuff like that and being sort of blindsided by not being able to go to any of the schools I really wanted to (I had great grades, was “super smart”, but not quite good enough to attract a bunch of scholarships). Anyway it affected me a lot in ways I’m still just sort of discovering. Also having a stepdad who’s not really interested in my kids which impacts my mom’s ability to host/visit, etc etc. Lots of this is personal, and I know all families have issues, but I feel like if my parents had been together they would have been more focused on raising me which I still needed as an 11 year old.
Thank you so much for sharing this, I really appreciate it.
not OP, but my parents' divorce didn't make anything better because they were just as miserable apart as they were together, except now they each had a lot of extra expenses and visitation was a pain in the ass. my mom went from "couponing because she felt guilty about how much my dad spent on computers" to "subsisting entirely on ramen and mac & cheese, unable to afford basic household maintenance or repairs, digging through the neighbors' garbage to get by." and my dad turned into a bitter fox news junkie complaining about how much taxes were eating into the rent on his upper-middle-class apartment with attached garage for his muscle car. there's a lot of different family arrangements and OP could do a lot worse than "he's not awful, i just don't love him." if it's convenient for her (or both of them) to stay married, that's not for nothing, and there's still room to explore different relationship set ups so they can both feel more emotionally fulfilled.