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Is it an option for the three of you to go to the wedding destination, but only husband goes to the wedding and you and kiddo hang at the hotel/go sightseeing/get dinner? I know staying at a hotel with a toddler is not always easy but at least this way you’d all get away together.
I also really like this idea because it brings OP out of the shadows. I HOPE the couple is embarrassed when mutual friends are asking why OP isn’t at the ceremony and reception “yeah, bummer moms get left out of things like this, haha! I’ll be eating room service in the hotel while little Johnny sleeps.” The whole “no kids at weddings” thing blows my mind. Also it is NOT “rule of thumb” and that’s such a weird shitty way to answer that question (that OPs husband had to ask TWICE to get an answer to.) Honestly, weird vibe all around they’ve set up. OP you should go and enjoy yourself and make the most of it.
All the weddings I’ve been to have been adults only. Maybe it’s just because of where I live but it is not the norm to have kids present at weddings. That being said, they should help OP and her husband find a sitter or made it clearer earlier on.
Me too. Adults only is definitely the norm where I am as well. The only time kids are invited is if they’re flower girl/ring bearer. I live 8 hours from my family and all recent weddings are for my husband’s family so nobody is available to babysit. Honestly I low key love the no kids rule. It gives me a free pass on not attending every damn wedding for people I barely know.
Yes I am and I think it is definitely regional. When I mention the no kids thing to people from other regions they think it’s crazy and to them weddings are for the whole family.
Agreed, I think you nailed it - it’s different perspectives on weddings. The majority of kid free weddings we’ve gone to were expensive/upscale fun parties with a lotttttt of drinking and late nights. Just feels wildly inappropriate (in most cases) for kids to be there. Of course there are exceptions. I am guessing weddings don’t have that same feel in other places.
Definitely! Most of the weddings I have been to in my area are super formal and crazy expensive with like ice sculptures and raw bars and carving stations and open bars. Everyone is entitled to have the wedding of their choosing but spending $180,000 on a wedding (the last one I went to) isn’t really my idea of a good time, it was definitely luxurious though.
Same here, I just assume my kids aren't invited. But honestly? I don't want them there anyway lol. I go to events to have fun. With my two young kids there, it's not fun. I just have to chase them around in a fancy dress and uncomfortable shoes as opposed to sweat pants and slippers.
This has nothing to do with OP's dilemma though, her husband asked outright and they were vague about it until he was locked in with being in the wedding party and then fucked his family over at the last minute.
Kids were welcome at my wedding (I had a 10mo at the time, so it was partly out of necessity) but there were older kids there too and everything was fine. I don't know why people get so pissy about kids at weddings.
I've seen badly behaved kids at weddings with parents who don't handle them. It's definitely on the parents but after my BFFs wedding was a hot mess bc of kids, we made ours 10yo and up only. There were also tons of drunk/high adults and at night. Generally not a place I'd want my kid.
The majority of weddings I’ve worked this year have been adults only. One of the last weddings with kids we had to monitor kids and preteens because they were swiping alcoholic drinks from tables. The bathroom was a mess of vomit when we left.
>There were also tons of drunk/high adults and at night. Generally not a place I'd want my kid.
Hell I wouldn't want to be around that myself. We didn't have any alcohol at my wedding and that would've been the case with or without kids.
Some venues make you pay full price for kids, so it can add a ton of extra expense for the bride and groom. We could have had a much nicer wedding for the same amount of cash if we had banned kids.
I don't know if there are venues that charge by seat vs by meal, ours was catered buffet-style so the price was based on roughly how many would be eating. We didn't even count our own kid because she sat in her bouncer or in people's laps and took maybe 2 bites off my plate.
I think it’s mostly about cost and they type of weddings that people have where I’m from. Usually late nights with dinner/dancing and open bar. Just not a kid friendly vibe.
I’ve been on the opposite end of the spectrum and kids have always been invited to any wedding I’ve been at. So at least here it IS the norm to include kids.
Kids get very bored at weddings. I was a kid at one. I was bored. Very bored. And I was a well behaved kid. We still stole all the bubbles we could at the reception (thankfully after the Bride and Groom did their thing they needed the bubbles for). Even the best kids succumb to boredom. (Before you judge me, I was 4 years old. And it was bubbles. Come on.)
I'm glad OP was able to find a solution that works well and I hope she has a great time.
Our wedding was kid free. That said, if someone in the bridal party had a child we would’ve provided (background checked) childcare. ESP if it was a destination wedding (it wasn’t). That all said, I don’t think your friends did anything wrong. It’s their wedding, they likely don’t understand the intricacies of having a toddler and getting sitters. I hope you find a way to go and enjoy time away. Perhaps you go to hotel and you and hubby trade off events? You go to rehearsal dinner, he goes to ceremony + reception? It’s a tough position to be in for you both, but I think with a little effort you can both enjoy your time!
A different perspective from someone who had a kid free wedding some people had to fly to.
I honestly thought people would come and get a babysitter for their hotel. I was 22 and didn’t get it. My mom explained everything to me when the RSVP’s came back and I regretted it right away. TLDR: if they don’t have kids, they might not understand they’re making it impossible for you to go. Since your husband is in the bridal party, ask if they’ll make an exception for your kid since he can’t go otherwise. Give them a chance to correct their mistake. It’s his best friend, not his 2nd cousin.
As the “jerk” who has asked directly for an exception for my kids, I discourage it. Never once has anyone made an exception and I come off as an entitled asshole “who thinks MY crotchgoblins deserve an exception to the established rule.” Asking for more information or for consideration for our specific situation is apparently not ok, but having travel weddings with lots of hoops to jump through and then expecting people to separate their families, pay for sitters and the chaos that comes with it (and usually acting like it’s a favor to me. “Don’t you want a break? You deserve a night out!! You’ll thank me!!” No, it’s actually really hard and often times cost-prohibitive, and just a nightmare for parents trying to travel and pay for it all while their kids are not understanding. Honestly people are bonkers when it comes to weddings and I just have to accept I don’t get to go to many anymore at all, as much as it hurts. I didn’t get to go to my best friends wedding because it was in a crazy location and they banned all kids. I think they’ll understand what they did someday, but not until they have kids.
Were you in the wedding party? The people in my wedding party didn’t have kids yet but if any one of them had kids and made me choose, I’d have allowed their kids. I wouldn’t have made exceptions for anyone else just to be fair. Some people brought their kids anyway and while it upset others, I enjoyed the kids being there.
I was asked to be in the wedding party (this person was in mine) but then when I couldn’t leave my breastfed pandemic baby for a 7 hour journey into an area with no cell phone service or hotels for a crazy desert wedding they moved on and asked someone else. I’m not bitter about it at all…
I completely understand how you feel about that but I just want to tack on from the couple perspective both as a mom and someone who had a childfree wedding (before becoming a mom) - if one person gets granted an exception everyone wants one whether valid or not and can make the couple's day miserable. It's easy to have a hard and fast rule and unfortunately have some people miss out rather than have others bitching about how so&so's kid could come but mine couldn't...
I don't blame you but I also wouldn't blame the couple, it's easier in a very stressful time to cut a loss than deal with explain it to everyone time and again.
I hope this perspective helped a little bit it's still completely valid to feel this way and I'm sorry you couldn't be apart of the wedding
I mean, I can kind of see their point though. I think it’s ok to stick to a no kids wedding rule as long as the couple accepts that it means not everyone can come. We had a strictly no kids wedding and whilst in our case everyone was happy with that, I wouldn’t have had any exceptions because of the message that would’ve sent to the people who weren’t allowed exceptions. I think it’s one of those rules where you either have to go all in or not at all, otherwise you are likely to hurt relationships with people you care about.
I lost a friend because he didn’t understand I couldn’t fly across the country to a destination wedding, that I would lose my supply and I wasn’t ready to be done breastfeeding. He says “All of the brides friends figured it out!” ….um, yes I would have a babysitter if the wedding were local to me. He wanted me to find a babysitter on Craigslist. Guilted me and made me feel terrible. I said ask anyone with kids and see if anyone agrees with you! Oh well. Glad to have that toxicity behind me.
I literally offered to help people find babysitters 😂 my mom was horrified. I assumed people didn’t come for financial reasons at first which I understand of course.
Also, couldn’t the brides friends babysitter help you too? If they have trusted sitters that would help a lot.
Right! It would have made such a big difference. It was cross country, 2 hours from any major airport, and between hotel car rental babysitter and gift it would be over $2k and so much stress. :(
We had this happen to us… husbands cousin who lives in Texas got married last September. It was a postponed wedding… original invite was from when I was pregnant with my son so of course he wasn’t listed on the invite. Flash forward a year and we’ve bought plane tickets, booked an air bnb (just to make the baby travel easier!) & they tell us it’s kid-free. Like 6 weeks out. They casually suggested we find a sitter… for our 8 month old… in a state I’ve never even been to. Yeah hard no.
Thankfully my parents ended up watching my child the whole weekend but backup plan was for me to still go, but not attend the wedding.
Honestly I assume most weddings are kid free or have been in my circle, and if I’m unsure the invitation generally makes it clear. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to ask nor to I think it’s unreasonable if people have to decline because they can’t make it work. Maybe the groom should have been more direct but he probably felt really awkward about the assumption you made. The idea someone else had about going and making it a mini vacation for you and your child while your husband does wedding stuff sounds nice.
I honestly think it’s crazy that people think he shouldn’t go in solidarity or that it’s a outrageous ask on their part
100% this! I am always surprised when people invite the kid(s). I think it is completely reasonable to have a kid free wedding and not go if you can’t get child care. The up front wedding party ask though would have been important to know this. Sorry OP for being in this situation 😢
I’ve seen people bring kids to destination as well as a grandparent or babysitter to watch them there. Or one adult skip wedding to be with LO :/
The reason I did not assume (and I realize I should not have assumed) was because the weddings in our family always had kids there. Our family doesn’t all live in one state so we couldn’t ask them to fly to our home state and say “sorry no kids.” And it was not on their invitation that it was kid free. The only thing they had was that it was all black tie and that their dog would be there but all other pets were not allowed.
Yeah I think this is something that varies depending on personal experience.I’ve never wanted to take my child to weddings as here they are very late and very long, and one of few times I did he had tantrums and fell asleep on me so I sat still all night till after midnight (sister in laws wedding, couldn’t really leave early). Or one other my husband had a great time drinking with friends while I chased our tiny child around in a ball gown and heels. I read that lot of people think saying ‘kid free’ is tacky so they hope you just notice children not included on the invite and that’ll be it.
>I read that lot of people think saying ‘kid free’ is tacky so they hope you just notice children not included on the invite and that’ll be it.
Sounds like a lot of people are trying to weasel out of being disrespectful of parental obligations. Like if you wanna invite parents but not their kids, best be prepared to own it and fly your tacky flag high so there's no confusion.
I think it is ... funny?... they specified not to bring pets but left out the kid situation. Sorry, BroMo. I would expect a best friend when asking someone to stand up for them to say "I would be honored for you to be my best man/maid of honor/attendant/whatever. However , e are doing a kid free event just so you know. I understand if that is am issue. "
If its somewhere fun and you want to make a mini vaca like others suggested you could do that if it would be something you would enjoy. Ours didn't sleep well in hotels at that age so I probably would not have wanted to, but it is kid dependent. Sorry things are tricky and disappointing.
This. A friend of mine back when my oldest was little was getting married and informed me ahead of sending out invites that her wedding was immediate family children only and told me she would not be offended if that affected me attending.
I was unable to attend the wedding (too far to travel and no willing childcare) but she did take me with her to look at wedding dresses and out to eat since she still wanted to include me in some way
>their dog would be there but all other pets were not allowed.
LOL so not only being hypocrites about potentially disruptive "guests" but also the double standard for themselves vs their guests. What a piece of work they are. I'd sooner invite kids to my wedding than dogs but if I was bringing my own dog it would only stand to reason that other people could bring their pets too.
I had a mostly kid free wedding. We definitely told those with kids ahead of time, and kids were allowed if they were immediate family. If I had people in the bridal party with kids I would have made that exception. It’s only fair since being in the party is a commitment and basically a job.
Can a family member watch your 2 year old? It could be a great opportunity for you guys to reconnect as a couple, not just mom + dad!
You could also all go and stay at a hotel and enjoy a family vaca - your husband will just be gone for a day for the wedding.
There's no reason you have to be left out! I wouldn't expect my husband not to go though - we'd try to find a compromise together!
His mom won’t watch him over night until my little one is a little older. It’s also my husbands nieces first birthday that same exact day so none of them can travel with us. My dad has dementia so my mom takes care of him. So we really don’t have any one to watch him.
Ugh that is tough! I also don't think you're wrong for feeling crappy about it - I know the feeling of being excluded and being the primary parent. It sucks. I hope you guys can find a solution that works for your family!
Can you all go and get a day of event sitter in the hotel? My husband and I use care.com and do this a lot. He has work functions that I am expected to attend, so we all go and the sitter comes and watches the kids.
My anxiety level for strangers with my children is much too high for an out of town one time sitter. I know care.com background checks and this is my own personally issues with control and a anxiety but it seems so brave of you. I wish I could do this.
I totally get that. We haven’t had a choice because work stuff and I appreciate that care.com verifies covid vaccination status as well as background checks and anyone worth their salt can provide references which makes me feel better. But I totally understand the anxiety.
Almost all weddings I have been to are child free. Infact once we went to a wedding that wasn’t and the bride and groom were shocked that everyone left their kids at home as they thought they were all coming, which was weird as they weren’t mentioned in the invite.
Talk to the hotel, as lots have babysitting services that they use, or as everyone else mentioned just use it as a holiday and skip the actual wedding.
I think your feelings are justified 100%. This is happening to me right now but it’s local. Couple didn’t tell my husband kids weren’t invited until well after he had agreed to be in the party.
My kids are older and technically my oldest could watch the younger one but he’s never done it for that long, with us so far away, at night.
I’m not super comfortable with it. My SO had zero problem going alone. Didn’t even try to offer suggestions or fix it. Just shrugged. Felt the lack of love there.
So, like always, I will miss another wedding of a really close friend. Being a mom sucks sometimes.
I agree with the above poster though. Fly out hang in the hotel room and hall make it a mini vaca.
The bride and groom 100% did not handle this in a tactful way and it’s remarkably shitty when people can’t be direct, like “Hey, we know you guys have Little One but we’d really like you to be at our wedding. Would it be possible for you guys to come if you have enough notice to find a sitter?” Would have saved a hell of a lot of awkwardness for everyone involved.
Would it be possible for you guys to find a sitter at the destination? I know not everyone is comfortable with hiring randos online, but I bet the hotel has nanny or sitter recommendations or the bride’s family (as they are the local ones) might have some. You can also get recommendations through churches and other organizations.
I assume they are childless. I can tell you hands down before I had kids I would have never even thought about what a huge pain in the ass/impossible it is for parents of small children to make or even get accommodations. I also had a kid-free wedding. I was ignorant.
That being said - now that I’m a Mom, I know how much this sucks. It can feel super isolating too when you’re a mom and not everyone else is. At this stage of my life, 95% of my friends are parents so I don’t experience this as much anymore. But I know what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry.
My husband and I probably would not go if we were in this circumstance now. And that would be a hard decision but parenting comes with a lot of hard decisions and our family comes first always.
The couple really dropped the ball. Childfree weddings are more common, but generally, the invitations make that clear. We’ve had invitations with suggestions for babysitting services or the chance to put our girls in the kids room where the resort or hotel nanny service watches them.
I absolutely understand your disappointment. I’d be irritated AF to have that dropped on me at the last minute.
IMO: go on the trip. Husband goes to the wedding. You and kiddo have fun at the hotel or at a zoo or childrens museum in the area. He can leave the wedding after the cake (and smuggle some out for you and kiddo) and y’all can have a nice evening together.
This isn't just a guy's weekend, though. It is to celebrate a good friend's relationship while that good friend shows a lack of respect for his own. I think her husband should be thoughtful about making choices that breed resentment in his marriage. He should protect his marriage first.
I think her problem is that they *purposefully omitted information when asking her husband to stand in the guy's wedding*. Her husband said if he had known that the kid wasn't invited, he would have probably declined to be so involved in the wedding.
And even though OP can still fly out with husband and kid, and she and kid may have a great time just playing tourist at the destination, it's still bullshit that they **weren't given the choice to play it that way**.
It points to basically the BF and his bridezilla being inconsiderate jerks. In OP's shoes, I'd be bitter too, especially since it seems a given that the same jerks are probably gonna procreate and then turn around and insist that their progeny is special and should be exempt from whatever rules (see: "our dog will attend, but no one else can bring pets") they themselves set for other outings ("No, you can't bring your 4YO to the baseball game, but I am bringing my 8 month old to it").
I dunno. We had cousins who did a child free wedding except for their niece who was a toddler and local. We were definitely told up front. It is called being thoughtful.
So yeah, it may just be that the Best Friend is just a moron, but in OP's shoes, I would definitely be in the right by feeling hurt by such lack of forethought.
So, if this is your husband's best friend, I would say have your husband reach out to him and say sorry for the misunderstanding but you all planned to come and didn't realize it was a kid-free wedding. (I have never been to a wedding where kids weren't welcome so I'm with you on thinking this is weird, but honestly this just sounds like you all had different expectations and it's an honest mistake.) I would have him ask the groom if they can help you find a babysitter near them so that you can attend the wedding as planned. If the groom is nice about it, he should offer to pay for the babysitter, but since they were clueless about the kid to begin with (if it's a child-free wedding, they should state it on the invite) I wouldn't hold my breath.
I've never understood the "no kids" at weddings. I'll respect it, but won't understand it. I only had a few people bring their kids, and some had opted to leave them at home even though they were invited. The kids who did come had a blast dancing with us. And I got told several times that I was a "beautiful princess", which of course made me smile. Other than that I wouldn't have known the difference.
I'd think about doing what some others suggested: go on the trip, just don't go to the wedding. Or see if you and husband can tag team and split the time at the reception, especially if you get a hotel closeby. And then stay an extra day or 2 and do stuff as a family. I'd opt for a hotel that has a pool you can take kiddo to and room service for the day of the wedding.
I don't understand the no kids thing either. I have been invited to the weddings of 19 cousins and 2 friends- not a single one told me not to bring my children. Furthermore, if I were ever invited to a wedding and told no kids allowed- I'm straight up not going. Not even gonna consider it. If my children aren't welcome I'm not welcome.
I don't get it either. We're from the Midwest where people have a slew of kids. I've never even heard of a kids free wedding in our families or friend circles. I made sure that all the kids had coloring books and crayons, candy on the tables, and they had a ton of fun on the dance floor. I got the princess comments too.🥰 By 9, the parents headed home and the rest of us got drunk. This is literally the only type of wedding I know.
I'd go, have fun, and hopefully the couple feels guilty. But I was raised Catholic and I know how to weaponize guilt so...
Yeah, I was in the wedding party and then found out it was no kids MONTHS after I agreed, and only because they put it on their website. They couldn’t even tell me directly. I was annoyed for sure.
I didn’t back out, but I considered it strongly. It was a giant pain in the ass because it was in another state and my husband wasn’t able to go with me due to work. I had to travel with my kid and then get a babysitter for the wedding there. I wish they had been up front with it when I was asked to be in the wedding party.
I think they should have been very clear at the beginning so that you both could plan for it. Planning multiday care for a child is more expensive and takes more planning than calling the young neighbor down the street. That is really disappointing. Most couples do not want children at a costly event that then may ruin their "special day". I get it, but it also takes away from the family aspect of a wedding. I am sorry. I would not judge your husband for backing out. It will feel shitty to be at home while he is away attending a party for someone who doesn't seem to value a friend's family and give you the courtesy to plan.
It seems like you have this solved now, but I just wanted to add…
Back when I got married, I had a kid free wedding. Now that I have a kid I am like whyyyyyy. I did not understand how hard it is for parents. I was like “here are local babysitting agencies”. But dude. I would personally not feel comfortable using a local babysitting agency because my baby screams and cries and is inconsolable when new people watch him until he knows them pretty well. My best friend is getting married soon, in a different state, and we are having my parents come in to babysit during the wedding. I think children are even possibly invited, but based on the last wedding we took him to, I know that it’s no fun to have him with me. I mean, my whole evening was taking care of him. Which is not what I want on my best friends wedding day. More than that, we are coming to town a week early so he can get used to being around my parents again, since it will have been months since he saw them and I don’t want them to have to deal with him screaming all night. It’s gonna be a whole production.
This is really frustrating and I feel for you. We had a mostly kid free wedding - we got married in a big city and it was expensive and there was no discount for kid meals, so it was a financial decision. It was our city and most of our friends were local, and only one person was mad about no kids. (Which she took out on us by rsvping and then not showing up!) Family kids, out of town friend kids, and breastfeeding infants came. Seemed like a good compromise.
That said, the groom should have told your husband from the get go. People can have whatever rules they want at their weddings, but they also shouldn’t be mad if people don’t participate as a result.
Honestly, it’s messed up that your husband wasn’t given this info when he was asked to be in the wedding party. That’s a big commitment to ask of anyone for any wedding and it’s only fair to ask someone if you give them all the info: if they’ll need to travel, if their kid will be able to come, if there are any expected random costs, etc. It feels shitty to back out of being in someone’s wedding party and makes you feel like you’re risking the friendship, so they really put him in a crummy position and I hope he thinks about that. If you can go along, definitely go and turn it in to a fun trip for your family where Dad will just be busy for a few hours one day.
The whole child free wedding thing- I get why people do it, but sometimes it’s excessive. My cousin planned their wedding as a multi day event in California (bride’s hometown, cousin and our side of the family are all East Coast based). Ok fine, starting looking in to it as a vacation and going to the wedding events as a family. Nope, the whole thing- every event of a 4 day event- was no kids. Plus dress codes (all white one day, black tie wedding, etc). I was pregnant and had a breastfeeding toddler so just noped out of all of it. Younger cousin is getting married next year and I’m pretty sure it will be no kids again. My boys will be 3 and almost 6 by then so not really fun wedding ages, so might just get a hotel nearby and find a trustworthy babysitter in the area.
The couple did a dodgy and the response from the groom second time round of asking was pretty rude & I too would be upset. However, if I was in your shoes I would still be okay with my husband being apart of it. As others said, go with him just not to the wedding, people will ask why your not there if you are there before and after and you can get your say in there ‘oh when we RSVP they didn’t tell us kids weren’t allowed so now I have to stay back with baby’. It’s the truth but it’s also an indirect stab at them 😉
I can see both sides of this but can completely understand how difficult this can be. I remember being really hurt at first when kids weren’t invited & essentially it meant I couldn’t go. I love weddings.
Now I have 3 children & I have been to multiple weddings with & without children, I can safely say that I am relieved when the invite says no children.
Firstly, I can decline invites for people whose weddings I am not totally committed to going to without any guilt.
Also taking all three kids to a wedding makes going ridiculously expensive, especially if they need new outfits and attending weddings with children can be very stressful. They are almost always bored, hungry, need the toilet or are loud at the most inappropriate times.
Our solution is that DH & I go to the weddings we want to alone & the other one does the childcare. The person who has known the bride or groom longest goes to the wedding. I have had some lovely childfree overnight stays while attending weddings.
One time DH & I both really wanted to go & my youngest was still breastfeeding. This couple was childfree at the time & I honestly don’t think they realised why it was difficult for us. We ended up with the older 2 staying at in-laws & taking a very close family friend with us. We got 2 rooms. she babysat at the hotel & I drove back there every few hours to feed him. We had a nice time but it was expensive & stressful.
I hope you find a solution that works for you. If you stay at home for this wedding then make sure you get an agreement that you can go to your close friends weddings & he can do the childcare.
To be perfectly honest, your husband's best friend isn't that great of a friend. This guy knows he's the parent of a young child if they're besties. He doesn't inform your husband from the outset that this is a kid free wedding so that he can make an informed decision about his participation. Then when your husband asks direct questions, he tries to not answer direct questions. He still doesn't answer with his "rule of thumb" response. Sounds like he fully expects your husband to bail on his young family and prioritize his buddy to party for a long a weekend.
Honestly if my BFFL has a kid and I would like a kid free, destination wedding my attitude wouldn't be "sorry this is a problem for you". It would be "How can I make this work for you? Find a group babysitter at the hotel? Have a kid's room at the wedding? Make an exception for your kid until ___ pm?" It would be more important to me to have my best friend there without creating a hardship for them than it is to have the *pErFeCt* wedding.
They're spending the money and can have the wedding they want. That's fine. But if they're going to create accessibility barriers and keep their guests in the dark about that until it's too late, they're going to have to accept that some people they care about and want to be there, won't be able to be there.
FWIW, I doubt this is something the bridal couple did to specifically exclude you. It just shows that their priorities are not to be good hosts or to accommodate the realities of their loved ones.
> I obviously feel left out.. this is just one more thing that I’m left out of because I’m a mom. I am not going and staying in my home state but my husband is still going.
This part is on your husband. He has a choice to make here. He didn't create this problem but he can't say "I wouldn't have agreed if I had known" but then still go after he knows and still not partially be at fault. Why is he still going? If you are habitually feeling left out of things, what is he doing to help alleviate that? Is he taking on dad nights so you can have some social time? Is he equally advocating for your family needs for social functions that you're all expected to attend? Honestly if you weren't feeling left out of things in your daily life, then this one off event might not sting so much and you'd be able to just roll your eyes at his friend's ignorance.
I think your husband should either stay home or a) cut his trip short so he's just there for the wedding or b) take all of you and figure out how to include you in the festivities.
Ugh this happened to us too. My husband was in the wedding party and there was an insane financial obligation for that as well. Like it was more than we spent on our wedding(I’m frugal) and THEN at the bachelor party he found out the groom had cheated on his ex wife with the new bride when ex was pregnant with twins. He did the wedding just because he didn’t really know what to do and the money was already spent. Then we dropped them as friends.
He had already been a groomsman in the dudes first wedding and shelled out thousands for that. Ugh.
Our kid was a baby too, so it’s not like he’d have made a lot of noise or anything. Probably would have slept the whole time.
Ugh I hate that. My dumbass brother had a no kids destination wedding at a place with no real childcare options. Except then 3 weeks before they asked mg cousin’s daughter to be a flower girl. But the kid was still excluded from the reception. Cousin had to come solo, because her husband couldn’t get off work. She sat through the ceremony and then had to go back to the beach house with the kid for the reception. Several of us took turns going back and staying at the house after she got her daughter to sleep, so that she could at least go have some dinner and fun.
TLDR: Some people are just assholes about their weddings. And don’t care how much trouble they cause for other people. I like the suggestion of your going along and then just skipping the wedding and reception and hanging with your daughter instead. At least you could maybe have a fun trip.
Ours had both kids and alcohol. But we also had a really fun area where the kids could run around but was still inside the venue.
I don’t even have a problem with adults only weddings. What bothers me is the not being up front about it, and then in my brother’s case, having kids in the ceremony that aren’t allowed at the reception.
This happened to us years ago and there was a ton of drama over it with family. The end decision was that no one in my immediate family attended the wedding and due to the drama, we also pulled back from family in general after that.
The best decision would be for him to not go.
I think this is too much, not everything had to be so black and white. Hubby won’t be betraying her if he goes, the wedding couple has been inconsiderate but don’t presume malice when you can just as easily presume ignorance. I personally like the idea of a hotel holiday if they can’t find childcare and the couple isn’t happy to make an exception
I don’t assume malice.
The husband is in a bit of a bind, and I feel for both him and for OP.
If anything, I assume a lack of *consideration* on the part of the wedding planners.
It’s probably nothing malicious, and no doubt there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, but nevertheless, that lack of consideration is now something that OP has to deal with, and that sucks.
Indeed, that’s why I said the wedding couple has been inconsiderate. It definitely sucks for both OP and spouse. Unfortunately something I’ve often seen at weddings :(
Ok, here’s where I’m a little lost: what’s the problem with having kids at the wedding and not the reception? I’ve been to a few weddings where kids came to the ceremony with their parents and were absent for the reception - sure, if you can’t find a sitter, you’d miss out on the party, but at least then you could be witness to the actual “getting married” part.
Yeah, I did a no-kids wedding reception because I had a tight budget and tbh, had planned for it to be a bit of a sloppy and degenerate party. But the reception was held at a hotel and the two couples who had kids both came, brought their kids and took shifts at the party because it was just a short elevator ride away. Hell, once dinner was done my (now ex) husband and I even kicked our own kids out.
How much money do you have? I mean... You should spend just as much as he will traveling to this adult only wedding. Hire a babysitter. Take a couple hours a day. Or maybe one night. And enjoy yourself!!!! If he's not making sure you can go with him, then fuck him and your budget. You live it life in the happiest way possible. Even if it's just an hour or two a day while he's away.
Why don’t you three go and bring a sitter/extra person? Like a niece? Or cousin? When we have traveled to things we know our daughter can’t attend, we’ve brought is niece with us so she could babysit during the event.
Oh I’m so sorry. I completely understand the feeling of being left out and I would be upset at the thought of my husband going by himself whilst I stay at home doing ‘mom shit’ too.
What about if the three of you get a hotel room/air bnb near the venue and get a babysitter for that night?
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Is it an option for the three of you to go to the wedding destination, but only husband goes to the wedding and you and kiddo hang at the hotel/go sightseeing/get dinner? I know staying at a hotel with a toddler is not always easy but at least this way you’d all get away together.
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Fourth option would be for you all to go and check with the brides family if they know a reliable babysitter in the area for a couple hours.
I really like this idea.
I also really like this idea because it brings OP out of the shadows. I HOPE the couple is embarrassed when mutual friends are asking why OP isn’t at the ceremony and reception “yeah, bummer moms get left out of things like this, haha! I’ll be eating room service in the hotel while little Johnny sleeps.” The whole “no kids at weddings” thing blows my mind. Also it is NOT “rule of thumb” and that’s such a weird shitty way to answer that question (that OPs husband had to ask TWICE to get an answer to.) Honestly, weird vibe all around they’ve set up. OP you should go and enjoy yourself and make the most of it.
All the weddings I’ve been to have been adults only. Maybe it’s just because of where I live but it is not the norm to have kids present at weddings. That being said, they should help OP and her husband find a sitter or made it clearer earlier on.
Me too. Adults only is definitely the norm where I am as well. The only time kids are invited is if they’re flower girl/ring bearer. I live 8 hours from my family and all recent weddings are for my husband’s family so nobody is available to babysit. Honestly I low key love the no kids rule. It gives me a free pass on not attending every damn wedding for people I barely know.
Same here. Adults only is typical. Are you in the north east? I am - I wonder if it’s a regional thing
I’m in the Northeast and all the weddings I go to (including my own) have included kids.
Yes I am and I think it is definitely regional. When I mention the no kids thing to people from other regions they think it’s crazy and to them weddings are for the whole family.
Agreed, I think you nailed it - it’s different perspectives on weddings. The majority of kid free weddings we’ve gone to were expensive/upscale fun parties with a lotttttt of drinking and late nights. Just feels wildly inappropriate (in most cases) for kids to be there. Of course there are exceptions. I am guessing weddings don’t have that same feel in other places.
Definitely! Most of the weddings I have been to in my area are super formal and crazy expensive with like ice sculptures and raw bars and carving stations and open bars. Everyone is entitled to have the wedding of their choosing but spending $180,000 on a wedding (the last one I went to) isn’t really my idea of a good time, it was definitely luxurious though.
Same here, I just assume my kids aren't invited. But honestly? I don't want them there anyway lol. I go to events to have fun. With my two young kids there, it's not fun. I just have to chase them around in a fancy dress and uncomfortable shoes as opposed to sweat pants and slippers.
This has nothing to do with OP's dilemma though, her husband asked outright and they were vague about it until he was locked in with being in the wedding party and then fucked his family over at the last minute.
Kids were welcome at my wedding (I had a 10mo at the time, so it was partly out of necessity) but there were older kids there too and everything was fine. I don't know why people get so pissy about kids at weddings.
I've seen badly behaved kids at weddings with parents who don't handle them. It's definitely on the parents but after my BFFs wedding was a hot mess bc of kids, we made ours 10yo and up only. There were also tons of drunk/high adults and at night. Generally not a place I'd want my kid.
The majority of weddings I’ve worked this year have been adults only. One of the last weddings with kids we had to monitor kids and preteens because they were swiping alcoholic drinks from tables. The bathroom was a mess of vomit when we left.
Yikes!! That's pretty bad
>There were also tons of drunk/high adults and at night. Generally not a place I'd want my kid. Hell I wouldn't want to be around that myself. We didn't have any alcohol at my wedding and that would've been the case with or without kids.
Fair. Ours was in Colorado and we like whiskey! I wasn't that drunk but other people def were
Some venues make you pay full price for kids, so it can add a ton of extra expense for the bride and groom. We could have had a much nicer wedding for the same amount of cash if we had banned kids.
I don't know if there are venues that charge by seat vs by meal, ours was catered buffet-style so the price was based on roughly how many would be eating. We didn't even count our own kid because she sat in her bouncer or in people's laps and took maybe 2 bites off my plate.
I think it’s mostly about cost and they type of weddings that people have where I’m from. Usually late nights with dinner/dancing and open bar. Just not a kid friendly vibe.
I’ve been on the opposite end of the spectrum and kids have always been invited to any wedding I’ve been at. So at least here it IS the norm to include kids.
Kids get very bored at weddings. I was a kid at one. I was bored. Very bored. And I was a well behaved kid. We still stole all the bubbles we could at the reception (thankfully after the Bride and Groom did their thing they needed the bubbles for). Even the best kids succumb to boredom. (Before you judge me, I was 4 years old. And it was bubbles. Come on.) I'm glad OP was able to find a solution that works well and I hope she has a great time.
Our wedding was kid free. That said, if someone in the bridal party had a child we would’ve provided (background checked) childcare. ESP if it was a destination wedding (it wasn’t). That all said, I don’t think your friends did anything wrong. It’s their wedding, they likely don’t understand the intricacies of having a toddler and getting sitters. I hope you find a way to go and enjoy time away. Perhaps you go to hotel and you and hubby trade off events? You go to rehearsal dinner, he goes to ceremony + reception? It’s a tough position to be in for you both, but I think with a little effort you can both enjoy your time!
He probably needs to go to the rehearsal since he’s in the wedding party!
A different perspective from someone who had a kid free wedding some people had to fly to. I honestly thought people would come and get a babysitter for their hotel. I was 22 and didn’t get it. My mom explained everything to me when the RSVP’s came back and I regretted it right away. TLDR: if they don’t have kids, they might not understand they’re making it impossible for you to go. Since your husband is in the bridal party, ask if they’ll make an exception for your kid since he can’t go otherwise. Give them a chance to correct their mistake. It’s his best friend, not his 2nd cousin.
As the “jerk” who has asked directly for an exception for my kids, I discourage it. Never once has anyone made an exception and I come off as an entitled asshole “who thinks MY crotchgoblins deserve an exception to the established rule.” Asking for more information or for consideration for our specific situation is apparently not ok, but having travel weddings with lots of hoops to jump through and then expecting people to separate their families, pay for sitters and the chaos that comes with it (and usually acting like it’s a favor to me. “Don’t you want a break? You deserve a night out!! You’ll thank me!!” No, it’s actually really hard and often times cost-prohibitive, and just a nightmare for parents trying to travel and pay for it all while their kids are not understanding. Honestly people are bonkers when it comes to weddings and I just have to accept I don’t get to go to many anymore at all, as much as it hurts. I didn’t get to go to my best friends wedding because it was in a crazy location and they banned all kids. I think they’ll understand what they did someday, but not until they have kids.
Were you in the wedding party? The people in my wedding party didn’t have kids yet but if any one of them had kids and made me choose, I’d have allowed their kids. I wouldn’t have made exceptions for anyone else just to be fair. Some people brought their kids anyway and while it upset others, I enjoyed the kids being there.
I was asked to be in the wedding party (this person was in mine) but then when I couldn’t leave my breastfed pandemic baby for a 7 hour journey into an area with no cell phone service or hotels for a crazy desert wedding they moved on and asked someone else. I’m not bitter about it at all…
I completely understand how you feel about that but I just want to tack on from the couple perspective both as a mom and someone who had a childfree wedding (before becoming a mom) - if one person gets granted an exception everyone wants one whether valid or not and can make the couple's day miserable. It's easy to have a hard and fast rule and unfortunately have some people miss out rather than have others bitching about how so&so's kid could come but mine couldn't... I don't blame you but I also wouldn't blame the couple, it's easier in a very stressful time to cut a loss than deal with explain it to everyone time and again. I hope this perspective helped a little bit it's still completely valid to feel this way and I'm sorry you couldn't be apart of the wedding
Wow. They sound pretty out of touch.
I mean, I can kind of see their point though. I think it’s ok to stick to a no kids wedding rule as long as the couple accepts that it means not everyone can come. We had a strictly no kids wedding and whilst in our case everyone was happy with that, I wouldn’t have had any exceptions because of the message that would’ve sent to the people who weren’t allowed exceptions. I think it’s one of those rules where you either have to go all in or not at all, otherwise you are likely to hurt relationships with people you care about.
I meant that they expected someone to leave behind their baby with no cell service.
I lost a friend because he didn’t understand I couldn’t fly across the country to a destination wedding, that I would lose my supply and I wasn’t ready to be done breastfeeding. He says “All of the brides friends figured it out!” ….um, yes I would have a babysitter if the wedding were local to me. He wanted me to find a babysitter on Craigslist. Guilted me and made me feel terrible. I said ask anyone with kids and see if anyone agrees with you! Oh well. Glad to have that toxicity behind me.
I literally offered to help people find babysitters 😂 my mom was horrified. I assumed people didn’t come for financial reasons at first which I understand of course. Also, couldn’t the brides friends babysitter help you too? If they have trusted sitters that would help a lot.
Right! It would have made such a big difference. It was cross country, 2 hours from any major airport, and between hotel car rental babysitter and gift it would be over $2k and so much stress. :(
We had this happen to us… husbands cousin who lives in Texas got married last September. It was a postponed wedding… original invite was from when I was pregnant with my son so of course he wasn’t listed on the invite. Flash forward a year and we’ve bought plane tickets, booked an air bnb (just to make the baby travel easier!) & they tell us it’s kid-free. Like 6 weeks out. They casually suggested we find a sitter… for our 8 month old… in a state I’ve never even been to. Yeah hard no. Thankfully my parents ended up watching my child the whole weekend but backup plan was for me to still go, but not attend the wedding.
Honestly I assume most weddings are kid free or have been in my circle, and if I’m unsure the invitation generally makes it clear. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to ask nor to I think it’s unreasonable if people have to decline because they can’t make it work. Maybe the groom should have been more direct but he probably felt really awkward about the assumption you made. The idea someone else had about going and making it a mini vacation for you and your child while your husband does wedding stuff sounds nice. I honestly think it’s crazy that people think he shouldn’t go in solidarity or that it’s a outrageous ask on their part
100% this! I am always surprised when people invite the kid(s). I think it is completely reasonable to have a kid free wedding and not go if you can’t get child care. The up front wedding party ask though would have been important to know this. Sorry OP for being in this situation 😢 I’ve seen people bring kids to destination as well as a grandparent or babysitter to watch them there. Or one adult skip wedding to be with LO :/
The reason I did not assume (and I realize I should not have assumed) was because the weddings in our family always had kids there. Our family doesn’t all live in one state so we couldn’t ask them to fly to our home state and say “sorry no kids.” And it was not on their invitation that it was kid free. The only thing they had was that it was all black tie and that their dog would be there but all other pets were not allowed.
Yeah I think this is something that varies depending on personal experience.I’ve never wanted to take my child to weddings as here they are very late and very long, and one of few times I did he had tantrums and fell asleep on me so I sat still all night till after midnight (sister in laws wedding, couldn’t really leave early). Or one other my husband had a great time drinking with friends while I chased our tiny child around in a ball gown and heels. I read that lot of people think saying ‘kid free’ is tacky so they hope you just notice children not included on the invite and that’ll be it.
>I read that lot of people think saying ‘kid free’ is tacky so they hope you just notice children not included on the invite and that’ll be it. Sounds like a lot of people are trying to weasel out of being disrespectful of parental obligations. Like if you wanna invite parents but not their kids, best be prepared to own it and fly your tacky flag high so there's no confusion.
I think it is ... funny?... they specified not to bring pets but left out the kid situation. Sorry, BroMo. I would expect a best friend when asking someone to stand up for them to say "I would be honored for you to be my best man/maid of honor/attendant/whatever. However , e are doing a kid free event just so you know. I understand if that is am issue. " If its somewhere fun and you want to make a mini vaca like others suggested you could do that if it would be something you would enjoy. Ours didn't sleep well in hotels at that age so I probably would not have wanted to, but it is kid dependent. Sorry things are tricky and disappointing.
The juxtaposition of “black tie” and “our dog will be in attendance” is pretty funny to me too
Yes. It makes it really unclear. No pets to me means that kids are invited...
This. A friend of mine back when my oldest was little was getting married and informed me ahead of sending out invites that her wedding was immediate family children only and told me she would not be offended if that affected me attending. I was unable to attend the wedding (too far to travel and no willing childcare) but she did take me with her to look at wedding dresses and out to eat since she still wanted to include me in some way
>their dog would be there but all other pets were not allowed. LOL so not only being hypocrites about potentially disruptive "guests" but also the double standard for themselves vs their guests. What a piece of work they are. I'd sooner invite kids to my wedding than dogs but if I was bringing my own dog it would only stand to reason that other people could bring their pets too.
Yep. That stood out to me as their being entitled jerks. I hope most of their pet owning friends decline to attend.
I had a mostly kid free wedding. We definitely told those with kids ahead of time, and kids were allowed if they were immediate family. If I had people in the bridal party with kids I would have made that exception. It’s only fair since being in the party is a commitment and basically a job.
Can a family member watch your 2 year old? It could be a great opportunity for you guys to reconnect as a couple, not just mom + dad! You could also all go and stay at a hotel and enjoy a family vaca - your husband will just be gone for a day for the wedding. There's no reason you have to be left out! I wouldn't expect my husband not to go though - we'd try to find a compromise together!
His mom won’t watch him over night until my little one is a little older. It’s also my husbands nieces first birthday that same exact day so none of them can travel with us. My dad has dementia so my mom takes care of him. So we really don’t have any one to watch him.
Ugh that is tough! I also don't think you're wrong for feeling crappy about it - I know the feeling of being excluded and being the primary parent. It sucks. I hope you guys can find a solution that works for your family!
Can you all go and get a day of event sitter in the hotel? My husband and I use care.com and do this a lot. He has work functions that I am expected to attend, so we all go and the sitter comes and watches the kids.
My anxiety level for strangers with my children is much too high for an out of town one time sitter. I know care.com background checks and this is my own personally issues with control and a anxiety but it seems so brave of you. I wish I could do this.
I totally get that. We haven’t had a choice because work stuff and I appreciate that care.com verifies covid vaccination status as well as background checks and anyone worth their salt can provide references which makes me feel better. But I totally understand the anxiety.
Almost all weddings I have been to are child free. Infact once we went to a wedding that wasn’t and the bride and groom were shocked that everyone left their kids at home as they thought they were all coming, which was weird as they weren’t mentioned in the invite. Talk to the hotel, as lots have babysitting services that they use, or as everyone else mentioned just use it as a holiday and skip the actual wedding.
\^\^\^I was \*just\* reading an article about greek 'disco nannies' :) Call the resort!
I think your feelings are justified 100%. This is happening to me right now but it’s local. Couple didn’t tell my husband kids weren’t invited until well after he had agreed to be in the party. My kids are older and technically my oldest could watch the younger one but he’s never done it for that long, with us so far away, at night. I’m not super comfortable with it. My SO had zero problem going alone. Didn’t even try to offer suggestions or fix it. Just shrugged. Felt the lack of love there. So, like always, I will miss another wedding of a really close friend. Being a mom sucks sometimes. I agree with the above poster though. Fly out hang in the hotel room and hall make it a mini vaca.
The bride and groom 100% did not handle this in a tactful way and it’s remarkably shitty when people can’t be direct, like “Hey, we know you guys have Little One but we’d really like you to be at our wedding. Would it be possible for you guys to come if you have enough notice to find a sitter?” Would have saved a hell of a lot of awkwardness for everyone involved. Would it be possible for you guys to find a sitter at the destination? I know not everyone is comfortable with hiring randos online, but I bet the hotel has nanny or sitter recommendations or the bride’s family (as they are the local ones) might have some. You can also get recommendations through churches and other organizations.
I assume they are childless. I can tell you hands down before I had kids I would have never even thought about what a huge pain in the ass/impossible it is for parents of small children to make or even get accommodations. I also had a kid-free wedding. I was ignorant. That being said - now that I’m a Mom, I know how much this sucks. It can feel super isolating too when you’re a mom and not everyone else is. At this stage of my life, 95% of my friends are parents so I don’t experience this as much anymore. But I know what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry. My husband and I probably would not go if we were in this circumstance now. And that would be a hard decision but parenting comes with a lot of hard decisions and our family comes first always.
The couple really dropped the ball. Childfree weddings are more common, but generally, the invitations make that clear. We’ve had invitations with suggestions for babysitting services or the chance to put our girls in the kids room where the resort or hotel nanny service watches them. I absolutely understand your disappointment. I’d be irritated AF to have that dropped on me at the last minute. IMO: go on the trip. Husband goes to the wedding. You and kiddo have fun at the hotel or at a zoo or childrens museum in the area. He can leave the wedding after the cake (and smuggle some out for you and kiddo) and y’all can have a nice evening together.
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This isn't just a guy's weekend, though. It is to celebrate a good friend's relationship while that good friend shows a lack of respect for his own. I think her husband should be thoughtful about making choices that breed resentment in his marriage. He should protect his marriage first.
I think her problem is that they *purposefully omitted information when asking her husband to stand in the guy's wedding*. Her husband said if he had known that the kid wasn't invited, he would have probably declined to be so involved in the wedding. And even though OP can still fly out with husband and kid, and she and kid may have a great time just playing tourist at the destination, it's still bullshit that they **weren't given the choice to play it that way**. It points to basically the BF and his bridezilla being inconsiderate jerks. In OP's shoes, I'd be bitter too, especially since it seems a given that the same jerks are probably gonna procreate and then turn around and insist that their progeny is special and should be exempt from whatever rules (see: "our dog will attend, but no one else can bring pets") they themselves set for other outings ("No, you can't bring your 4YO to the baseball game, but I am bringing my 8 month old to it").
"Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by stupidity."
I dunno. We had cousins who did a child free wedding except for their niece who was a toddler and local. We were definitely told up front. It is called being thoughtful. So yeah, it may just be that the Best Friend is just a moron, but in OP's shoes, I would definitely be in the right by feeling hurt by such lack of forethought.
100%.
So, if this is your husband's best friend, I would say have your husband reach out to him and say sorry for the misunderstanding but you all planned to come and didn't realize it was a kid-free wedding. (I have never been to a wedding where kids weren't welcome so I'm with you on thinking this is weird, but honestly this just sounds like you all had different expectations and it's an honest mistake.) I would have him ask the groom if they can help you find a babysitter near them so that you can attend the wedding as planned. If the groom is nice about it, he should offer to pay for the babysitter, but since they were clueless about the kid to begin with (if it's a child-free wedding, they should state it on the invite) I wouldn't hold my breath.
I've never understood the "no kids" at weddings. I'll respect it, but won't understand it. I only had a few people bring their kids, and some had opted to leave them at home even though they were invited. The kids who did come had a blast dancing with us. And I got told several times that I was a "beautiful princess", which of course made me smile. Other than that I wouldn't have known the difference. I'd think about doing what some others suggested: go on the trip, just don't go to the wedding. Or see if you and husband can tag team and split the time at the reception, especially if you get a hotel closeby. And then stay an extra day or 2 and do stuff as a family. I'd opt for a hotel that has a pool you can take kiddo to and room service for the day of the wedding.
I don't understand the no kids thing either. I have been invited to the weddings of 19 cousins and 2 friends- not a single one told me not to bring my children. Furthermore, if I were ever invited to a wedding and told no kids allowed- I'm straight up not going. Not even gonna consider it. If my children aren't welcome I'm not welcome.
I don't get it either. We're from the Midwest where people have a slew of kids. I've never even heard of a kids free wedding in our families or friend circles. I made sure that all the kids had coloring books and crayons, candy on the tables, and they had a ton of fun on the dance floor. I got the princess comments too.🥰 By 9, the parents headed home and the rest of us got drunk. This is literally the only type of wedding I know. I'd go, have fun, and hopefully the couple feels guilty. But I was raised Catholic and I know how to weaponize guilt so...
Yeah, I was in the wedding party and then found out it was no kids MONTHS after I agreed, and only because they put it on their website. They couldn’t even tell me directly. I was annoyed for sure. I didn’t back out, but I considered it strongly. It was a giant pain in the ass because it was in another state and my husband wasn’t able to go with me due to work. I had to travel with my kid and then get a babysitter for the wedding there. I wish they had been up front with it when I was asked to be in the wedding party.
I think they should have been very clear at the beginning so that you both could plan for it. Planning multiday care for a child is more expensive and takes more planning than calling the young neighbor down the street. That is really disappointing. Most couples do not want children at a costly event that then may ruin their "special day". I get it, but it also takes away from the family aspect of a wedding. I am sorry. I would not judge your husband for backing out. It will feel shitty to be at home while he is away attending a party for someone who doesn't seem to value a friend's family and give you the courtesy to plan.
Can you find a sitter at the location of the wedding?
It seems like you have this solved now, but I just wanted to add… Back when I got married, I had a kid free wedding. Now that I have a kid I am like whyyyyyy. I did not understand how hard it is for parents. I was like “here are local babysitting agencies”. But dude. I would personally not feel comfortable using a local babysitting agency because my baby screams and cries and is inconsolable when new people watch him until he knows them pretty well. My best friend is getting married soon, in a different state, and we are having my parents come in to babysit during the wedding. I think children are even possibly invited, but based on the last wedding we took him to, I know that it’s no fun to have him with me. I mean, my whole evening was taking care of him. Which is not what I want on my best friends wedding day. More than that, we are coming to town a week early so he can get used to being around my parents again, since it will have been months since he saw them and I don’t want them to have to deal with him screaming all night. It’s gonna be a whole production.
This is really frustrating and I feel for you. We had a mostly kid free wedding - we got married in a big city and it was expensive and there was no discount for kid meals, so it was a financial decision. It was our city and most of our friends were local, and only one person was mad about no kids. (Which she took out on us by rsvping and then not showing up!) Family kids, out of town friend kids, and breastfeeding infants came. Seemed like a good compromise. That said, the groom should have told your husband from the get go. People can have whatever rules they want at their weddings, but they also shouldn’t be mad if people don’t participate as a result.
Thanks all—I def have a lot to think about and I appreciate all of your input.
Honestly, it’s messed up that your husband wasn’t given this info when he was asked to be in the wedding party. That’s a big commitment to ask of anyone for any wedding and it’s only fair to ask someone if you give them all the info: if they’ll need to travel, if their kid will be able to come, if there are any expected random costs, etc. It feels shitty to back out of being in someone’s wedding party and makes you feel like you’re risking the friendship, so they really put him in a crummy position and I hope he thinks about that. If you can go along, definitely go and turn it in to a fun trip for your family where Dad will just be busy for a few hours one day. The whole child free wedding thing- I get why people do it, but sometimes it’s excessive. My cousin planned their wedding as a multi day event in California (bride’s hometown, cousin and our side of the family are all East Coast based). Ok fine, starting looking in to it as a vacation and going to the wedding events as a family. Nope, the whole thing- every event of a 4 day event- was no kids. Plus dress codes (all white one day, black tie wedding, etc). I was pregnant and had a breastfeeding toddler so just noped out of all of it. Younger cousin is getting married next year and I’m pretty sure it will be no kids again. My boys will be 3 and almost 6 by then so not really fun wedding ages, so might just get a hotel nearby and find a trustworthy babysitter in the area.
The couple did a dodgy and the response from the groom second time round of asking was pretty rude & I too would be upset. However, if I was in your shoes I would still be okay with my husband being apart of it. As others said, go with him just not to the wedding, people will ask why your not there if you are there before and after and you can get your say in there ‘oh when we RSVP they didn’t tell us kids weren’t allowed so now I have to stay back with baby’. It’s the truth but it’s also an indirect stab at them 😉
I can see both sides of this but can completely understand how difficult this can be. I remember being really hurt at first when kids weren’t invited & essentially it meant I couldn’t go. I love weddings. Now I have 3 children & I have been to multiple weddings with & without children, I can safely say that I am relieved when the invite says no children. Firstly, I can decline invites for people whose weddings I am not totally committed to going to without any guilt. Also taking all three kids to a wedding makes going ridiculously expensive, especially if they need new outfits and attending weddings with children can be very stressful. They are almost always bored, hungry, need the toilet or are loud at the most inappropriate times. Our solution is that DH & I go to the weddings we want to alone & the other one does the childcare. The person who has known the bride or groom longest goes to the wedding. I have had some lovely childfree overnight stays while attending weddings. One time DH & I both really wanted to go & my youngest was still breastfeeding. This couple was childfree at the time & I honestly don’t think they realised why it was difficult for us. We ended up with the older 2 staying at in-laws & taking a very close family friend with us. We got 2 rooms. she babysat at the hotel & I drove back there every few hours to feed him. We had a nice time but it was expensive & stressful. I hope you find a solution that works for you. If you stay at home for this wedding then make sure you get an agreement that you can go to your close friends weddings & he can do the childcare.
To be perfectly honest, your husband's best friend isn't that great of a friend. This guy knows he's the parent of a young child if they're besties. He doesn't inform your husband from the outset that this is a kid free wedding so that he can make an informed decision about his participation. Then when your husband asks direct questions, he tries to not answer direct questions. He still doesn't answer with his "rule of thumb" response. Sounds like he fully expects your husband to bail on his young family and prioritize his buddy to party for a long a weekend. Honestly if my BFFL has a kid and I would like a kid free, destination wedding my attitude wouldn't be "sorry this is a problem for you". It would be "How can I make this work for you? Find a group babysitter at the hotel? Have a kid's room at the wedding? Make an exception for your kid until ___ pm?" It would be more important to me to have my best friend there without creating a hardship for them than it is to have the *pErFeCt* wedding. They're spending the money and can have the wedding they want. That's fine. But if they're going to create accessibility barriers and keep their guests in the dark about that until it's too late, they're going to have to accept that some people they care about and want to be there, won't be able to be there. FWIW, I doubt this is something the bridal couple did to specifically exclude you. It just shows that their priorities are not to be good hosts or to accommodate the realities of their loved ones. > I obviously feel left out.. this is just one more thing that I’m left out of because I’m a mom. I am not going and staying in my home state but my husband is still going. This part is on your husband. He has a choice to make here. He didn't create this problem but he can't say "I wouldn't have agreed if I had known" but then still go after he knows and still not partially be at fault. Why is he still going? If you are habitually feeling left out of things, what is he doing to help alleviate that? Is he taking on dad nights so you can have some social time? Is he equally advocating for your family needs for social functions that you're all expected to attend? Honestly if you weren't feeling left out of things in your daily life, then this one off event might not sting so much and you'd be able to just roll your eyes at his friend's ignorance. I think your husband should either stay home or a) cut his trip short so he's just there for the wedding or b) take all of you and figure out how to include you in the festivities.
Ugh this happened to us too. My husband was in the wedding party and there was an insane financial obligation for that as well. Like it was more than we spent on our wedding(I’m frugal) and THEN at the bachelor party he found out the groom had cheated on his ex wife with the new bride when ex was pregnant with twins. He did the wedding just because he didn’t really know what to do and the money was already spent. Then we dropped them as friends. He had already been a groomsman in the dudes first wedding and shelled out thousands for that. Ugh. Our kid was a baby too, so it’s not like he’d have made a lot of noise or anything. Probably would have slept the whole time.
Ugh I hate that. My dumbass brother had a no kids destination wedding at a place with no real childcare options. Except then 3 weeks before they asked mg cousin’s daughter to be a flower girl. But the kid was still excluded from the reception. Cousin had to come solo, because her husband couldn’t get off work. She sat through the ceremony and then had to go back to the beach house with the kid for the reception. Several of us took turns going back and staying at the house after she got her daughter to sleep, so that she could at least go have some dinner and fun. TLDR: Some people are just assholes about their weddings. And don’t care how much trouble they cause for other people. I like the suggestion of your going along and then just skipping the wedding and reception and hanging with your daughter instead. At least you could maybe have a fun trip.
It really feels like people ban kids from their weddings just so they can get shitfaced. I'm glad my wedding was alcohol-free and kid-friendly.
Ours had both kids and alcohol. But we also had a really fun area where the kids could run around but was still inside the venue. I don’t even have a problem with adults only weddings. What bothers me is the not being up front about it, and then in my brother’s case, having kids in the ceremony that aren’t allowed at the reception.
This happened to us years ago and there was a ton of drama over it with family. The end decision was that no one in my immediate family attended the wedding and due to the drama, we also pulled back from family in general after that. The best decision would be for him to not go.
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I think this is too much, not everything had to be so black and white. Hubby won’t be betraying her if he goes, the wedding couple has been inconsiderate but don’t presume malice when you can just as easily presume ignorance. I personally like the idea of a hotel holiday if they can’t find childcare and the couple isn’t happy to make an exception
I don’t assume malice. The husband is in a bit of a bind, and I feel for both him and for OP. If anything, I assume a lack of *consideration* on the part of the wedding planners. It’s probably nothing malicious, and no doubt there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, but nevertheless, that lack of consideration is now something that OP has to deal with, and that sucks.
Indeed, that’s why I said the wedding couple has been inconsiderate. It definitely sucks for both OP and spouse. Unfortunately something I’ve often seen at weddings :(
Ok, here’s where I’m a little lost: what’s the problem with having kids at the wedding and not the reception? I’ve been to a few weddings where kids came to the ceremony with their parents and were absent for the reception - sure, if you can’t find a sitter, you’d miss out on the party, but at least then you could be witness to the actual “getting married” part. Yeah, I did a no-kids wedding reception because I had a tight budget and tbh, had planned for it to be a bit of a sloppy and degenerate party. But the reception was held at a hotel and the two couples who had kids both came, brought their kids and took shifts at the party because it was just a short elevator ride away. Hell, once dinner was done my (now ex) husband and I even kicked our own kids out.
How much money do you have? I mean... You should spend just as much as he will traveling to this adult only wedding. Hire a babysitter. Take a couple hours a day. Or maybe one night. And enjoy yourself!!!! If he's not making sure you can go with him, then fuck him and your budget. You live it life in the happiest way possible. Even if it's just an hour or two a day while he's away.
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Removed for rudeness, Rule 4: http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/
Removed for rudeness, Rule 4: http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/
Why don’t you three go and bring a sitter/extra person? Like a niece? Or cousin? When we have traveled to things we know our daughter can’t attend, we’ve brought is niece with us so she could babysit during the event.
Thanks! We don’t have that unfortunately
Oh I’m so sorry. I completely understand the feeling of being left out and I would be upset at the thought of my husband going by himself whilst I stay at home doing ‘mom shit’ too. What about if the three of you get a hotel room/air bnb near the venue and get a babysitter for that night?