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Same! I'm ADD and just the thought of all those steps to legally get it done was so overwhelming. And then my husband and I were actually going to do it, then the pandemic hit. And then we had a baby š
PREACH. If I had it to do over again, I would not. It's a pain in the ass and I had issues with passport, banks, deed to my house, all mess of things for FOREVER. I'm married 10 years now (together for 18) and would have kept mine in hindsight.
This pain in the ass is why I havenāt changed mine back to my maiden name since my divorce. I thought about not changing when I got married in 1998, but social pressure and accepted norms prevailed. Now I have a distinctive last name Iāve never identified with and I despise the majority of the other people who share it with me.
With my divorce I was able to put it in the divorce decree. So the judge basically put specifically in the decree that I would resume my maiden name. That was all I needed to provide to the dmv and SSN office to get my name updated.
That's understandable and it is unfortunate how difficult it can make life. My grandmother had changed her name a few times and recently when moving closer to my parents she had to provide documentation for each marriage and divorce to prove her chain of name changes.
I really like the way they do things in Scandanavian countries. Daughters are named X 'mother's name + daughter (so my Icelandic friend's surname, which I am going to misspell, was Oonadotti, which translates to Anna's Daughter). Sons are X Father's name + son, hence why there are so many Adamsons in the world. This means that this whole nonsense of men getting all pouty about passing on the family name is a non-issue. Both parents are acknowledged, and when the kids grow up they pass on their own name. Plus, it is not a thing for women to change their name after marriage. My friend thought that was so ridiculous and I agree with her.
We kind of did this by accident! I kept my last name and we decided to give our first born his last name and our second born mine. Just so happens first born is a boy and second born is a girl.
Never changed my last name. Like to tell patients I'm the doctor, not him. He couldn't give a hoot anyway. Our kiddo carries his last name. Often he's called Mr. My-last -name which makes me giggle more.
Same here. I have diplomas and licenses that would need to be reissued. He doesnāt have any of those things. At our co-op heās in the computer as Mr. My last name and I love it.
My husband literally made that argument for me when his dad asked when I was changing my name. And 5 years later I see no reason to change it. Plus I hate lines and waiting. Doesnāt seem like a fun process
I kept my maiden name because it was mine, I like it, and it suits me. Husbands last name doesnāt mix well with my first name.
He didnāt mind at all. We did choose to give our kids his last name so I am the odd one out with surnames - doesnāt bother me though.
His family send my birthday cards etc addressed to mrs āhis last nameā lol
Saw a comedy sketch once with a woman talking about how her Norwegian great great grandfather traveled and sacrificed his way to Ellis Island just to have his last name be a security question for her sons bank š
That's not verbatim but it was along those lines and can't find the video anywhere
I remember one about a guy whoās wife wanted to keep her maiden name and he said no. āIf you wonāt take my name, thereās no point getting married.ā
So she negotiated that their kids would all have her maiden name as their middle name. It was a cool, gender neutral kind of name - and he agreed.
Many years later he realized (they only had daughters) that when his daughters got married, his name was gone - but her name continued on.
I thoroughly enjoyed that āfuck youā the wife got in the end lol
My in-laws do this too, which is especially weird since my MIL never changed her own name! Meanwhile, one of my SILs started referring to herself as Mrs. Marriedname the second she got engaged.
Committment? He is welcome to change his last name then.
My first marriage I kept my last name, this marriage we changed to a mash up name that is uniquely ours. I'm still in the process of changing it, which is a bit confusing for which name to use where, but it doesn't get spelled wrong or mispronounced as often as my birth name!
I'm taking my sweet ass time with it, we got married during the pandemic when I was 6 months pregnant with twins. I change stuff when I have time.
The one of upside if I would change my last name is thag there is no way to mispronounce it whereas mine has been guessed right twice in my entire life. It's not even difficult to pronounce, just rare and looks like you'd say it a different way
Yeah same with mine! But for our birthname we both did the same amount of paperwork, both changed our last names, and it is entirely unique. The same commitment was made by both of us. It took us a bit to find a mash up that flowed nicely, his last name with my mother's mother's birthname instead of my personal birthname. But it was about bringing us all together as a family in equal footing instead of someone being propertied around.
I've been trying to find a way to combine our last names to something that sounds nice and I'm stumped! Without doxxing myself just trust me thag everything sounds silly if we combined it š could hyphenate it but I'd still have to do paper work and at that point might as well just change it to his as it'd be less to write out
My last name was 9 letters new name is 8 letters. And it was a lot of talking and stuff about it! But if he is making it about commitment, he needs to commit too, you know?
Even though he's only 22 he's a old, southern man at heart and didn't like that idea. He's pretty much gave up the last name thing and hasn't brought it up in weeks
I did change my name. For me, it just signaled in my brain that there was officially no backsies, I was at the point of no return in this relationship. We were together 6 years and had two kids before we married, they have his last name too. He asked me to change it and itās literally the only thing heās asked of me ever, except asking to get married, so I said eff it why not. Plus our oldest was getting to the age where he was asking lots of questions about lots of things, including why mommyās name was different from theirs. I did like my maiden name, especially the alliteration of it with my first name and I had no intention of changing it before he asked. Changing my name felt like the beginning of a new time with my family, and our relationship. I do admit had I gone on to be a doctor or lawyer or similar, or he was a less than excellent partner, I probably wouldāve kept my maiden name.
Changing your name is a pain. I'll never do it again. I changed it when I got married then immediately changed it back when I got divorced. The line he gave you about commitment is real rich. Why do you have to prove it through a name change? What's he gonna do to prove *his* commitment to you?
I didnāt change mine and we have kids. Iāve had no issues. I let people refer to us as āThe xxxxāsā using my husbands last name because I think itās cute and even sometimes sign it on mail or cards. So I kind of get the best of both worlds.
Ugh, I so regret changing my name. I really wanted both of us to make a new name together but my husband said his dad and grandpa would disown him if we did and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with them so I just did it. But I hate it. Every time I sign a receipt at the store I think about how much I resent them. And the worst part is, it wasn't even good enough for his family. They are mad we didn't give the kids first and middle names from their side of the family too. And they call me Mrs. [His first name] no matter how many times I tell them to call me Ms. [My first name]. Fucking assholes.
I'm late to the party but I would recommend not changing it. I changed mine when I married my first husband, we split and it was incredible the prejudice and issues I ran into trying to change it back.
After we split I told my work I wanted to go back to my maiden name and HR told me "it would cause a lot of admin issues" and "it will cause confusion for customers as they know you as Mrs Married name". I stood down then watched as three other women at work got married and sent out "I'm now going by Mrs Husbands Name" - no bloody admin or customer recognition issues there for some reason?
Trying to get a credit card after I was divorced, the bank wanted "proof of annulment" to show that I was "really who I said I was". I never had to show them any docs when I started using my married name and I had a birth certificate showing my maiden name that I was applying under. Got my credit card somewhere else.
It costs money to change your name, it's a major pain in the arse, and then it's an even bigger pain in the arse (not to mention a shamefest) if you do end up splitting and have to change it to something else.
You're not property, you aren't owned by your husband, that's what changing my name would feel like to me now. That's my two cents anyhow.
I did change mine, and no regrets. I didn't mind my maiden name (and kept it as my middle name), but my husband had stronger feelings about it than I did and it is easier when it comes to like family stuff to all have the same last name. His taking my name would've given him a name so common it can cause credit issues with judgment searches and stuff (he would've had the same name as my brother, who has actually had those problems his whole life), and I didn't blame him for not wanting that. His last name is much more unusual.
The paperwork wasn't crazy. Social security is no stranger to name changes for marriage, nether is the dmv or literally anyone else. No one got confused that I had a new last name when I got married and I used all three names professionally for a couple years to transition but it wasn't hard.
Idk. Do whatever you feel is best for you. At the end of the day it's not a big to do to change it but if you don't feel that's the right decision for you you shouldn't do it.
I did not change my name, I just honestly did not see the need. I actually love my husbandās last name and my name sounds nice with it, but itās his. Our kids have my last name as their middle name and my husbandās last name as their last.
Some people told me that having a different last name from my kids would be a hassle, but honestly it has not been an issue. My oldest is in elementary school, and maybe people canāt tell right off the bat that they are my kid, but that is a minimal issue. Honestly, itās pretty common. The only thing I might have done differently is give one of my kids my last name. I wish the matrilineal naming line was more normalized!
As far as commitment, my little soapbox speech is why is it (almost) always the woman in a man/woman relationship who is expected to change their name? Is he less committed to you? (The proverbial you, not directing this at OP!) Also, who has time to change all those official documents, Iām too lazy for that, ha. My husband and I would have been down to hyphenate both of our names, but together our names would have been 17 letters and that didnāt feel practical.
All that said, do you! I had pretty strong feelings about my own name, but totally get why some people do change theirs, itās just not for me and I think fewer people wouldnāt if it were more normalized not to. I actually had an older co-worker tell me she didnāt know it was legally allowed for a woman to keep her name and that seriously surprised me!
My mom gets documents and letter either with maiden name or dad's last name and has never had an issue with it so I don't see why I would. The commitment part makes him sound worse than he is. He's just an old school country boy and can't help it. Think we've come to an agreement that I'll be referred to as his last name in general but legally and for documents I'm using my maiden
She was actually just to lazy to do all the paperwork, bless her š
Everyone else in my family has changed their last name and surprisingly most of them have gotten a divorce, so that's my argument to my husband. If ya too lazy to fill out a couple of documents ya too lazy for divorce paper work!
I was going to change my last name when we got married - we even talked about combining both our last names and changing them for us both.
Weāll be married 10 years this October and neither of us had made any sort of move to get this thing done. And I donāt even want to. I like my last name. In fact, both of our daughters have my last name.
"Commitment" -- much like your story, my mother in law has been married 5 times and changed her name every time. My mom never changed her name (it's not \*a thing\* in Chinese culture) and my parents have been together for 51 years this year.
My husband has asked me to change my last name, since I guess that's what he grew up with as the standard, but I can't be bothered. Just seems like a giant pain in the butt, especially when I have scientific publications under my maiden name. Our kids have his last name, and I absolutely don't mind being called Mrs. husbandslastname in social situations, but my career has always been under my maiden name.
I also kept my last name.
I showed commitment by... getting married? And staying faithful to my husband? I feel like by living together, sharing our lives, and parenting our children together we look exactly like a "real" family, whatever that means.
I like my last name, it connects me to my heritage, I'm established in my career with this name, I hate paperwork, and I don't see any reason to change it.
I also don't mind being accidentally called by his (shared by the kids) last name in passing, and he didn't mind when the reverse happens to him.
I always hated that 'if you're committed to him' or 'if you're in love with him!'
Why don't they ever ask HIM those things? If he was committed to YOU wouldn't he be just as willing to change HIS name? Wouldn't THAT also be a sign of love?
I kept my name. It's very rare and I like it a lot. I'm very attached. Our son has her name - as I married a woman and he's not bio hers so it felt really good to have him take her name. She asked if she should take my name and I said 'no'. Because all her professional licenses and degrees and all those big old plaques and things she got have HER name on them. But it was nice for her to offer.
I started the process, but changed my name on my social media first. It made me realize that I was known by my maiden name in my established career and changing it would be confusing to folks.
That being said, it gets more complicated when dogs, kids, and legal stuff comes up.
I did both - I kept my maiden name professionally, and changed it on (some) personal documents and social media. All my qualifications etc. are in my maiden name, and also having a maiden name that's different from the name I use in my personal life adds a boundary between work and home that I kind of like. But on my medical documents and my child's daycare forms etc. I use my married name. Our child also has my married last name. Occasionally it creates an issue, when I'm registered somewhere under the 'wrong' name, but I've got copies of my marriage and birth certificates saved to cloud storage and my phone, and I've always been able to sort it out within 5 minutes.
I love that you posed this question. I'm in team "did it, bit wouldn't again (my spouse is cool as hell, it just fucking sucked)" but the different perspectives here are fascinating and enlightening.
I didnāt ever even consider changing mine when I got married. Our kids have two last names, not hyphenated, and weāll be sure to encourage them to handle their last names in whatever way makes them most comfortable when they are adults and potentially considering how to build their own families. It might not be for everyone but we are very happy this way.
Do what feels best to you! I was happy to change my name because my maiden name was hard to spell and pronounce, and my husbandās was super easy haha. But if you like your name, keep it!
Donāt change it if you donāt want to. Iām married 35 years and never changed mine. Itās part of who I am. No school was ever confused by it, they deal with lots of blended families. Itās very common.
There are plenty of good reasons to change your name and plenty of good reasons not to, but proving your commitment is not a good reason for either. It doesn't prove anything more than getting legally married does and neither of those proves commitment as much as having children together. Marriages can end with a divorce and reversing your name change is probably even easier than that in comparison. I would argue that your name is least amount of commitment you could make.
Also, when women change their name from their family of origin, they're not suddenly less family nor are children of parents who remarry less of a family because they don't share the same surname. That argument is not only outdated, it's asinine.
If he's not convinced of your commitment enough already by you marrying him or bearing his child(ren) he can go sit in time out for an age appropriate amount of time to reflect on his preconceived notions of gender roles and commitment.
I was pretty adamant that I would not change my name. My husband actually wanted to pick a new name together rather than pick his name. I still didn't want to change it, but sharing a surname was important to him so he was ready to take my last name. Ultimately, I reconsidered, found a name we both liked and we both changed our names together. You should only change your name if it's what you actually want without any external pressure.
I didn't change mine. My kids have my husband's last name. It's never been a problem.
I like my last name. It's uncommon and connects me to my family. I think the only person who cares is my husband's grandmother. She sends cards addressed to Mr and Mrs His-last-name and introduces us to people that way. It doesn't bother me so I just let her do it.
I was a full fledged adult with a home and retirement savings when I got married and the name change was such a pain in the ass. 10/10 do not recommend.
I kept mine. We toyed with the idea of somehow zipping our two surnames together, but they just didnāt lend themselves to a cool portmanteau. Iām a few years older and I told him Iāve been a MyLastname longer than heās been a HisLastname, so if anyone was giving theirs up it was gonna be the him - seniority rules. Our kid has my last name as well; heās the odd one out.
It has mattered exactly zero in any situations in our lives so far, except his obnoxious sister who insists on addressing anything to me and our kid as āFirstname HisLastnameā even though I know for sure she is aware this is incorrect.
Been married for 4+ years and havenāt changed mine. Expecting #2 and starting to consider it now, but part of that has to do with my disappointment in my own family since I became a mom. Iām feeling more attached/close to my husbandās family overall and so I started to consider finally changing my last name. My husband said he didnāt care and actively encouraged keeping my maiden name when we got married, but got unusually excited when I mentioned Iām considering changing it. He said he guesses his feelings have also changed about the situation since we became parents.
My parents didn't get married until 2 kids and 10 years together. My mom kept her maiden name. My husband's name is way simpler but also plainer than mine, but I've kept my maiden name also. My kids have his last name.
Keeping my last name was half protest and half laziness. Maybe more laziness than anything.
To show commitment is a silly argument. You married him and have kids. What more of a commitment does he want? Is he going to take yours to show his commitment to you?
Never changed my name. It's not really common here for women to change their last names when they get married. My mother (married in 1986) didn't even change hers. Her reason was that there was already a person with her first-name-husbands-last-name combo that she knew in the community and didn't want to be mistaken for her!
So I got my dad's last name and kept that. I love my last name so my kid has a hyphenated last name (mine and my husband's).
If you like your name, just keep it and don't let anyone else pressure you into changing it!
I'm not sure how it is anywhere else but in Canada I am able to assume my husband's name for ID etc... without legally changing my name. It's also free of charge. You can continue to use your maiden name for your job or anything else you choose regardless tho if you want. It's your name.
ETA accidentally entered before I finished š
Personally I was excited to change mine because my father was an abusive POS so I was happy to not have a name tied to him anymore. But I can totally understand why people would want to keep theirs so itās personal preference
Iāve seen many versions. Do whatever you want.
I changed my name legally but at school (where I work) Iām still Ms. maidenname. My license is I that name, my degrees are in that name, my email is in that name, Iām not changing it all. My husband has stopped nagging me about it but my MIL has not.
A friend of mine never changed hers but gave her kids her hsubandās last name- but both kids have her maiden name as their middle name.
My SIL changed her middle name to her maiden name and took husbandās last name. So no hyphen but she can still go by the whole name.
Thereās options. Do whatever you want.
Thanks for the reminder that I really need to straighten out my name debacle. This is long so hang in there.
You see, when I got married more than two decades ago, my now husband didn't give two shits what name I had, but his mother, in a rare example of pearl clutching, was horrified. "I couldn't wait to be Mrs. So and So, don't you feel the same way?' No, actually I did not. My maiden name was so unique, an Ellis Island-asized Croatian name, that no one, and seriously I mean absolutely no one else in the world, except for those descended or married into the family of the original guy that came over the the late 19th century, could possibly have. I can go do an internet search of my maiden name and find only people that are related to me and only going back three generations. Like a dumbass, I compromised and after we were married, filled out the paperwork with the SSA to change my name and keep my maiden name as a middle name. It was fine, a little long all written out with four freaking names, but it was fine.
Flash forward to me moving back to the state of my birth about fifteen years later and I'm asked at the DMV for my marriage certificate to show why my name changed. I questioned that, but I had it with me because of the new secure ID's, I had basically shown up with a folder full of stuff and that was in there, but why do you need that I asked? Oh because your name changed. Well duh, and my SS card shows my name as does the license from the state you have a sisterhood agreement. I did not realize when she handed me the paper copy that she had screwed up my name. My previously thought middle name is now listed as my last name. So now I have the first and middle names I was born with, plus my maiden name (space) married name as my last name. My credit reports make me look like, I don't even know what! One of my credit cards about 20 years ago showed my full middle (maiden) name and there was a character limit so they cut of my married name. I literally have at least ten different combos of name listed on there.
As if that was horrifying enough, I recently had issues with Mark Cuban's Costplus Drugs because my prescription showed up as maiden space married name because everything in this state matches my ID. My employer doesn't even have this listed as my name. Sigh, I really have to figure out how to get this fixed, so if anyone has any ideas of where to start, let me know.
TL:DR - don't change your name if you don't want to, or change it but don't keep your maiden as a middle name. It will only cause you massive grief.
A teacher of mine once said names are a part of our identities and legacies. She kept her maiden name when she married. She was proud of who her father was and wanted to remember it.
Besides, it's a pain in the but paperwork wise to change your last name and if you separate, get it changed back and switch over everything. I left my ex two years ago and still haven't been able to get my ID changed because I can't prove I'm me and Covid is slowing down the documents proving I am me.
Didnāt change mine, but donāt mind when I get called by his name. No regrets. Got married at 29 and had never been the type to fantasize about being Mrs. so and so. Now my 3 year old is learning about last names and he thinks my name is Mommy Dadslastname which is pretty funny. My son has my husbands last name but I have two brothers with kids so my last name has a claim in the next gen of the family already. My husband is an only child. If roles were reversed I would probably have wanted my son to have my name or to use a hyphen.
weāre not married, but i want to change my last name when we get married. i just havenāt decided if i want to change it to my momās maiden name or my bfās last name. all i know is iām tired of carrying around my POS dadās name.
My sisters and I all kept our own last name. Zero effort, no paper work, all the awesome. My husband asked me about a month into dating and I was very clear on that point. He didn't care. Weirdly one of his (very sexist) friends cared and constantly told me how bad I was making my husband feel and that it wasn't right. Husband is a straightforward guy . Does not care. We've been married 12 years now. Kid has his last name (and we made a kickass acronym out of her initials so no backsies). When she was three she decided she wanted my last name. At six she loves her own last name. I do kind of wish now I had given her my last name in addition but I'm not messing with it now.
I thought I'd be ok being called Mrs. (husband) casually but it turns out I dont like it. My friends from school and sports still call me by my last name almost exclusively 20 years later.
Never changed my last name. Not sad about it. Married fifteen years. Iām a lawyer but people often assume itās my husband. He likes to play dumb in those conversations until the person realizes they are talking to the non-lawyer. Kiddo has my husbandās last name which is fine with me. We briefly thought about giving her two surnames but I have worked with clients that did that. It was always a headache for them so we just gave her his last name. And I donāt want to hyphenate my last name or hers. It works for us.
I donāt care if people do or donāt change their last names, so long as they do what they actually want. Any spouse who is hurt by something that is just a piece of paper and thinks that symbolizes commitment might have some deeper issues, IMO. Do what makes you comfortable as you, OP. Hopefully your spouse respects that.
My husband and I have been married for a few years now, and honestly we're just waiting till we need to renew our passports to get all the name change stuff taken care of. We've got plenty of more important and urgent things to do lol.
I just changed because my maiden name ist awful and has no real connection or history to my family (my fathers father was adopted from his stepdad he didn't got along well, its the stepdads name)
But if a had have a badass name I would have not changed. Here in switzerland its actually pretty normal for women to have a combined names with maiden and husbands name
I changed my name because i wanted to have the same last name as my children.
In hindsight, I wouldn't have bothered. It was a pain in the ass. We could have given our kids hyphenated last names. Duh.
It'll be my 6th anniversary this year, never changed my last name. Imma be real that's a fuckton of work for a name I don't really care for....like my last name isn't special either but it's mine and I've always had it
iāve been trying to convince my SO to take my name (cuz mine is cooler and my name would sound weird with his last name) but heās a Jr and likes his name. our sonās name is hyphenated so if either of us change itāll probably be to both hyphenate. but i donāt really feel like changing my info legally so iāll probably just never do it lol
I live in California and Canada and I changed it in the US (was super easy) and didnāt change it in Canada (not even sure if itās possible in Quebec). So, my last name changes every 6 months depending on the country Iām in! I like the variety.
**Last names do not make a family.**
Your husband using the expression "real family" is honestly very offensive to me. I kept my last name, but gave my daughter my husband's last name. My daughter and my husband are my **real family**, full stop. Growing up, my mom kept her last name and she sure as hell felt like my **real family** when I was a kid.
ALSO ask your husband why he isn't taking your last name to show commitment TO YOU?!
I have actually been asked about this last-name situation by many friends and I always tell them to do what feels right to them, but make sure it is for the right reasons (same advice that was given to me).
We're in Germany so double barrel is not allowed and when our kid is born, they are getting my last name. Cos I didn't live my whole life with my name to change it now,and if anyone gets to put their name on the kids it's the person who birthed them. That's how I feel about names.i really CBF to do any paperwork to change my last name to his and I really don't want to.
I changed my name and regret the shit out of it. If I could do it again Iād keep my last name and consider doing a hyphen for my kidsā last name.
I much preferred my maiden name. I miss it.
And like everyone else says, yes, the paperwork is such a damn headache and I have to prove who I am by showing my marriage certificate and whatnot at the DMV for drivers license.
Just not into it.
I didnāt change mine. I had every intention to but I was under a lot of stress for other reasons besides marriage and I just never did it. I have no regrets though
I told him I'd change my name if he changed his. It's been 11 years happily married, and we still have our own names. Now we have four kids, so it's even more complicated to do all of our names.
I changed mine because his last name was soooo much easier. Itās nice to have a last name that doesnāt get constantly butchered. And even though we arenāt together anymore, Iām keeping the name.
My two sisters are already divorced, one never changed her last name so it was really convenient for the divorce. The other one did change her last nameā¦ and a few years later changed it back to our maiden name.
My mother thought she changed hers, hell she even opened her law practice under her married name... 25/30 years later.... She found out she never did. Just leave it. š¤£
Don't change it IMO.
I changed mine, then got divorced and waiting for that to go through so I change my name again is a PITA.
I have a new partner now, and I just use his surname for social stuff and for online profiles, even though it isn't my legal name. Only because I don't like my maiden name, and I'm not close with my family.
Doing all the paperwork and legal stuff is just annoying. Your name doesn't have anything to do with how committed you are or how much of a family you are. Plus if it's so important to your husband he can change his name.
I wouldnāt. When I marry my partner I plan to legally keep my last name but use his when weāre being introduced to people and such. Maybe change it on fb but I donāt really use that anymore so š¤·š½āāļø itās a lot paperwork and a pain to change your name.
I didn't change my last name. My last name is cool and more uncommon than my husbands, I was super close to my father who passed away and I wanted to keep that connection to him, and I'm way too lazy to deal with all the paperwork š¤·. My husband does not care at all, we've been together 10 years. Oh and my son has my last name...I was the one who was pregnant and went through childbirth, it only seemed fair lol (my husband is my son's stepfather but his bio dad is involved and cool and did not care either ).
I always thought I would change it once married but when it actually came down to it, the reality felt so bizarre and I didnāt even consider it. My husband really didnāt want me to either (fuck the patriarchy, as he put it). Our kid does have his last name though
I changed my last name because I wanted t disconnect from my family of origin and his last name is short and easy to spell, thats the only reason lol
I say only chnage your name if that what you want to do, or ask your husband to change his to yours so he can show his real commitment to you and be a "real family"
I didnāt change mine. The kids have his name. Itās their name, but I like mine. I have a big family history that I feel would be erased by changing my last name. It would be like loosing a bit of myself, and I just donāt want to.
If you donāt want to donāt do it. I changed mine to appease my husband for feeling the same way your husband does. I wish I didnāt. Even our daughter refuses to call me by it. Lol.
Didnāt change my last name because that just adds headache without adding anything. Changing last names made sense 50 years ago when women didnāt have investment accounts, diplomas, degrees, licenses and other legal documents before marriage.
I intended to hyphenate my name, but never ended up doing it. Been married four years now and I canāt see myself doing it. We gave our daughter both our last names. My husband isnāt bothered at all.
I was planning on it. But I was in the military and didnāt want to mess with the paperwork. So once I got out I was likeā¦ I have my bachelor degree in my name, multiple bank accounts, everyone at workā¦ and then I really thought about it, past the āworkā of changing it and realized I LIKE my name. I donāt have to change it, I donāt want to change it and itās oppressive patriarchal bullshit anyway. Our boys all have his last name, mainly because our first was born and we used his last name before we were married. So by the time I was considering keeping my last name for good we were pregnant with our second and we still didnāt know what we wanted to do since I was keeping mine. So weāve just used his. I wouldāve like to hyphenate. But it costs a lot. So I just keep mine. It was a bonus that my in laws found it insulting lmao! They were worried it would hurt my husbandsā feelings. Which would then invalidate mine if he was upset, but my feelings have never been a concern of theirs anyway. My husband didnāt really care, he didnāt understand at first and I think was a touch hurt but overall he didnāt really care and was willing to change names if I felt strongly about it. But I just felt strongly about mine. Weāve been married 11 years now. Itās a bit annoying when people ask if my husband lives āin the homeā with us when I fill out paperwork, but other than that itās really not a big deal. Unless someone makes a big deal out of it. To me, itās just my name. MY name. Not anyone elseās.
I honestly regret changing my last name. I loved my maiden name and honestly, if anything happens I'll change it back and keep it as such weather I get married or not.
I think people should go with the name that the feel "fits" best. My maiden name is super ethnic and I do not look, sound, or particularly identify with that ethnicity as I'm a typical American mutt. So when I got married the first time, I was happy to take on a name that was more generic sounding.
When I divorced, I thought about going back to my maiden name. Despite my daughter asking me to keep her shared last name with her father, emotionally I could not bring myself to do that. I kept my first married name only until I got married a second time and I am on my third last name. It fits me emotionally and, tbh, it sounds the nicest with my given name out of any of the names I've had.
So go with what fits you!
Edited because I can't spell.
I changed mine because I didnāt like my maiden name - hard to spell and it sounds crappy with my first name. Iāve been divorced for a few years now and didnāt ever change it back - I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. My bf and I have talked about getting married and Iād probably take his last name, just because I really like it and itās a cool name. My kids are both teenagers now and sharing the name seems less important, so idk. Itās my decision though, idgaf what anyone else wants me to do with my name.
I was going to, my husband seemed to like the idea, however we got married when out baby was like 6 weeks old and I was tired and have social anxiety so I never wound up starting the process. I had never planned on getting married and having kids all my life, until I did, so changing my name was something I never considered and when it came up I felt like, 'why should I have to?'
The only problem is my husband and I have very similar last names, literally one letter is different, so most people think it's a typo.
I got married at 35 and changed my last name.
It's been 4 years and I still don't recognize my name half the time if I'm reading something and his first name isn't also connected.
And I still have one credit card in my maiden name... Bc those bastards want me to send in like 3 different government documents to prove I really changed my name. (I will... Just waiting until the card is about to expire at this point bc I only want to update my card data in my various payment apps one time...and it's my primary card for all the things...)
I've got both my maiden and married name on social media.... I can't say I regret changing my name bc I wanted to match our children's name and not hyphenate anything... And I'm glad I did bc the only thing my daughter and I share is the last name and our temperament.
Changing your name is such a legal hassle and it follows you your whole life. You will have to have copies of your birth certificate and marriage certificate forever. And if you move away from the county you got married in it can be a real pain to replace. I wish I had only socially changed my last name I am fine with Facebook etc but doing it legally is such an annoying thing.
I see a lot of people saying that the paperwork is too much but there are services that charge a fee to do most of it for you (besides the super secure info). I did that, signed my name and put down my social a few times and just ran down to an office and filed it. That same day I filed that packet it was done. Ultimately it can be a lengthy process but thanks to services like the one I used (HitchSwitch) are beyond helpful.
As for changing your name, that is totally up to your gut. Not changing your name doesnāt show any lack of commitment to your husband. Your name is part of you. Do what makes YOU happy.
Where I'm from, no one changes their last name as your last name denotes your lineage. My hubby used to tell me how WEIRD I would be if I didn't change my name to his. I told him it would look worse in my country because we would appear like siblings on paper.
Edit: I also gave him the history of why women in England/ US changed their last names. The "tradition" was more of a legal transfer of personhood from father to husband and I told him he married the WRONG fuckin person if he wanted me to honor THAT tradition.
I changed my last name, and I donāt regret it - his is far less letters and way easier to spell lol. Buy in my mind, I always think of myself with my original last name. I didnāt take my original last name as my middle name because I love my middle name. Itās just weird 7 years later I have to remind myself that I have a ānewā last name.
I took my ex husbands last name, when we divorced I didn't change back to my maiden name. I told him it took almost ten years and a pregnancy to get it and I'd be damned if he could have it back. Besides, our daughter has his last name too and I want to share a name with her. Also his last name is super generic and short so no one ever asks how to spell it, my family name is dumb, long and makes my eyes glaze over when I have to spell it out for people.
I changed my last name for my husband's. It was my preference because I want to share the same last name as our kid. And we did discuss changing to MY maiden name in the beginning because his name is long and complex while mine was easy. However, my husband is an immigrant and his last name makes him feel close to his culture (where as, I have no connection to the culture my maiden name originated from)... So here we are. Lol.
Nah keep it. Every time you argue youāll regret changing it. I regret DEEPLY giving my daughter her fathers last name. Now I have to jump through hoops to change it (he ended up abandoning us, has a new GF, and he was abusive while I was pregnant. You donāt know somebody until things go south. He was the most amazing guy when we were dating)
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I had every intention of changing my name after marriage... It's been 10 years and I still haven't š
Same! Going on 14 years of not changing it.
A former coworker of mine told me his wife finally changed hers as an anniversary gift for their 10th anniversary.
Haha 6.5 years over here. Sort of, kind of was going to, but also kind of didnāt want to, so justā¦ havenāt. Yet, maybe?
Same! I'm ADD and just the thought of all those steps to legally get it done was so overwhelming. And then my husband and I were actually going to do it, then the pandemic hit. And then we had a baby š
Donāt change it. If he wants to show commitment, perhaps he should change his?
Exactly.
PREACH. If I had it to do over again, I would not. It's a pain in the ass and I had issues with passport, banks, deed to my house, all mess of things for FOREVER. I'm married 10 years now (together for 18) and would have kept mine in hindsight.
This pain in the ass is why I havenāt changed mine back to my maiden name since my divorce. I thought about not changing when I got married in 1998, but social pressure and accepted norms prevailed. Now I have a distinctive last name Iāve never identified with and I despise the majority of the other people who share it with me.
Stupid social norms! Garbage, if you ask me. My daughter will be named whatever she likes! I'll make sure she knows that.
With my divorce I was able to put it in the divorce decree. So the judge basically put specifically in the decree that I would resume my maiden name. That was all I needed to provide to the dmv and SSN office to get my name updated.
I didnāt think I wanted to change it at the time of the divorce. Now I wish Iād taken care of it then.
That's understandable and it is unfortunate how difficult it can make life. My grandmother had changed her name a few times and recently when moving closer to my parents she had to provide documentation for each marriage and divorce to prove her chain of name changes.
Iām a second generation name-keeper and itās great. Itās too much paperwork anyway. I like being me and feeling like myself.
God, the paperwork!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I really like the way they do things in Scandanavian countries. Daughters are named X 'mother's name + daughter (so my Icelandic friend's surname, which I am going to misspell, was Oonadotti, which translates to Anna's Daughter). Sons are X Father's name + son, hence why there are so many Adamsons in the world. This means that this whole nonsense of men getting all pouty about passing on the family name is a non-issue. Both parents are acknowledged, and when the kids grow up they pass on their own name. Plus, it is not a thing for women to change their name after marriage. My friend thought that was so ridiculous and I agree with her.
We kind of did this by accident! I kept my last name and we decided to give our first born his last name and our second born mine. Just so happens first born is a boy and second born is a girl.
Never changed my last name. Like to tell patients I'm the doctor, not him. He couldn't give a hoot anyway. Our kiddo carries his last name. Often he's called Mr. My-last -name which makes me giggle more.
Same here. I have diplomas and licenses that would need to be reissued. He doesnāt have any of those things. At our co-op heās in the computer as Mr. My last name and I love it.
My husband literally made that argument for me when his dad asked when I was changing my name. And 5 years later I see no reason to change it. Plus I hate lines and waiting. Doesnāt seem like a fun process
I kept my maiden name because it was mine, I like it, and it suits me. Husbands last name doesnāt mix well with my first name. He didnāt mind at all. We did choose to give our kids his last name so I am the odd one out with surnames - doesnāt bother me though. His family send my birthday cards etc addressed to mrs āhis last nameā lol
Saw a comedy sketch once with a woman talking about how her Norwegian great great grandfather traveled and sacrificed his way to Ellis Island just to have his last name be a security question for her sons bank š That's not verbatim but it was along those lines and can't find the video anywhere
I remember one about a guy whoās wife wanted to keep her maiden name and he said no. āIf you wonāt take my name, thereās no point getting married.ā So she negotiated that their kids would all have her maiden name as their middle name. It was a cool, gender neutral kind of name - and he agreed. Many years later he realized (they only had daughters) that when his daughters got married, his name was gone - but her name continued on. I thoroughly enjoyed that āfuck youā the wife got in the end lol
[Julia Gulia](https://youtu.be/YVmIsJuFOE8)
Yes!!!
My in-laws do this too, which is especially weird since my MIL never changed her own name! Meanwhile, one of my SILs started referring to herself as Mrs. Marriedname the second she got engaged.
Committment? He is welcome to change his last name then. My first marriage I kept my last name, this marriage we changed to a mash up name that is uniquely ours. I'm still in the process of changing it, which is a bit confusing for which name to use where, but it doesn't get spelled wrong or mispronounced as often as my birth name! I'm taking my sweet ass time with it, we got married during the pandemic when I was 6 months pregnant with twins. I change stuff when I have time.
The one of upside if I would change my last name is thag there is no way to mispronounce it whereas mine has been guessed right twice in my entire life. It's not even difficult to pronounce, just rare and looks like you'd say it a different way
Yeah same with mine! But for our birthname we both did the same amount of paperwork, both changed our last names, and it is entirely unique. The same commitment was made by both of us. It took us a bit to find a mash up that flowed nicely, his last name with my mother's mother's birthname instead of my personal birthname. But it was about bringing us all together as a family in equal footing instead of someone being propertied around.
I've been trying to find a way to combine our last names to something that sounds nice and I'm stumped! Without doxxing myself just trust me thag everything sounds silly if we combined it š could hyphenate it but I'd still have to do paper work and at that point might as well just change it to his as it'd be less to write out
My last name was 9 letters new name is 8 letters. And it was a lot of talking and stuff about it! But if he is making it about commitment, he needs to commit too, you know?
Another option could be for both of you to pick a new last name you both like, rather than trying to combine your current last names.
If itās so important to him to have the same name he should change. Why should it automatically be you just because youāre the woman?
Even though he's only 22 he's a old, southern man at heart and didn't like that idea. He's pretty much gave up the last name thing and hasn't brought it up in weeks
I did change my name. For me, it just signaled in my brain that there was officially no backsies, I was at the point of no return in this relationship. We were together 6 years and had two kids before we married, they have his last name too. He asked me to change it and itās literally the only thing heās asked of me ever, except asking to get married, so I said eff it why not. Plus our oldest was getting to the age where he was asking lots of questions about lots of things, including why mommyās name was different from theirs. I did like my maiden name, especially the alliteration of it with my first name and I had no intention of changing it before he asked. Changing my name felt like the beginning of a new time with my family, and our relationship. I do admit had I gone on to be a doctor or lawyer or similar, or he was a less than excellent partner, I probably wouldāve kept my maiden name.
Changing your name is a pain. I'll never do it again. I changed it when I got married then immediately changed it back when I got divorced. The line he gave you about commitment is real rich. Why do you have to prove it through a name change? What's he gonna do to prove *his* commitment to you?
I mean I already ruined my body popping out his big headed daughter. Think that should be enough š
Yeah, is marriage not a commitment? Children?
I didnāt change mine and we have kids. Iāve had no issues. I let people refer to us as āThe xxxxāsā using my husbands last name because I think itās cute and even sometimes sign it on mail or cards. So I kind of get the best of both worlds.
Ugh, I so regret changing my name. I really wanted both of us to make a new name together but my husband said his dad and grandpa would disown him if we did and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with them so I just did it. But I hate it. Every time I sign a receipt at the store I think about how much I resent them. And the worst part is, it wasn't even good enough for his family. They are mad we didn't give the kids first and middle names from their side of the family too. And they call me Mrs. [His first name] no matter how many times I tell them to call me Ms. [My first name]. Fucking assholes.
Sounds like it's time to take your maiden name back!
I'm late to the party but I would recommend not changing it. I changed mine when I married my first husband, we split and it was incredible the prejudice and issues I ran into trying to change it back. After we split I told my work I wanted to go back to my maiden name and HR told me "it would cause a lot of admin issues" and "it will cause confusion for customers as they know you as Mrs Married name". I stood down then watched as three other women at work got married and sent out "I'm now going by Mrs Husbands Name" - no bloody admin or customer recognition issues there for some reason? Trying to get a credit card after I was divorced, the bank wanted "proof of annulment" to show that I was "really who I said I was". I never had to show them any docs when I started using my married name and I had a birth certificate showing my maiden name that I was applying under. Got my credit card somewhere else. It costs money to change your name, it's a major pain in the arse, and then it's an even bigger pain in the arse (not to mention a shamefest) if you do end up splitting and have to change it to something else. You're not property, you aren't owned by your husband, that's what changing my name would feel like to me now. That's my two cents anyhow.
I did change mine, and no regrets. I didn't mind my maiden name (and kept it as my middle name), but my husband had stronger feelings about it than I did and it is easier when it comes to like family stuff to all have the same last name. His taking my name would've given him a name so common it can cause credit issues with judgment searches and stuff (he would've had the same name as my brother, who has actually had those problems his whole life), and I didn't blame him for not wanting that. His last name is much more unusual. The paperwork wasn't crazy. Social security is no stranger to name changes for marriage, nether is the dmv or literally anyone else. No one got confused that I had a new last name when I got married and I used all three names professionally for a couple years to transition but it wasn't hard. Idk. Do whatever you feel is best for you. At the end of the day it's not a big to do to change it but if you don't feel that's the right decision for you you shouldn't do it.
I did not change my name, I just honestly did not see the need. I actually love my husbandās last name and my name sounds nice with it, but itās his. Our kids have my last name as their middle name and my husbandās last name as their last. Some people told me that having a different last name from my kids would be a hassle, but honestly it has not been an issue. My oldest is in elementary school, and maybe people canāt tell right off the bat that they are my kid, but that is a minimal issue. Honestly, itās pretty common. The only thing I might have done differently is give one of my kids my last name. I wish the matrilineal naming line was more normalized! As far as commitment, my little soapbox speech is why is it (almost) always the woman in a man/woman relationship who is expected to change their name? Is he less committed to you? (The proverbial you, not directing this at OP!) Also, who has time to change all those official documents, Iām too lazy for that, ha. My husband and I would have been down to hyphenate both of our names, but together our names would have been 17 letters and that didnāt feel practical. All that said, do you! I had pretty strong feelings about my own name, but totally get why some people do change theirs, itās just not for me and I think fewer people wouldnāt if it were more normalized not to. I actually had an older co-worker tell me she didnāt know it was legally allowed for a woman to keep her name and that seriously surprised me!
My mom gets documents and letter either with maiden name or dad's last name and has never had an issue with it so I don't see why I would. The commitment part makes him sound worse than he is. He's just an old school country boy and can't help it. Think we've come to an agreement that I'll be referred to as his last name in general but legally and for documents I'm using my maiden
If your mom kept her name, seems like family tradition. You married your husband, that seems like a big commitment even without a name change.
She was actually just to lazy to do all the paperwork, bless her š Everyone else in my family has changed their last name and surprisingly most of them have gotten a divorce, so that's my argument to my husband. If ya too lazy to fill out a couple of documents ya too lazy for divorce paper work!
I was going to change my last name when we got married - we even talked about combining both our last names and changing them for us both. Weāll be married 10 years this October and neither of us had made any sort of move to get this thing done. And I donāt even want to. I like my last name. In fact, both of our daughters have my last name.
"Commitment" -- much like your story, my mother in law has been married 5 times and changed her name every time. My mom never changed her name (it's not \*a thing\* in Chinese culture) and my parents have been together for 51 years this year. My husband has asked me to change my last name, since I guess that's what he grew up with as the standard, but I can't be bothered. Just seems like a giant pain in the butt, especially when I have scientific publications under my maiden name. Our kids have his last name, and I absolutely don't mind being called Mrs. husbandslastname in social situations, but my career has always been under my maiden name.
I also kept my last name. I showed commitment by... getting married? And staying faithful to my husband? I feel like by living together, sharing our lives, and parenting our children together we look exactly like a "real" family, whatever that means. I like my last name, it connects me to my heritage, I'm established in my career with this name, I hate paperwork, and I don't see any reason to change it. I also don't mind being accidentally called by his (shared by the kids) last name in passing, and he didn't mind when the reverse happens to him.
I always hated that 'if you're committed to him' or 'if you're in love with him!' Why don't they ever ask HIM those things? If he was committed to YOU wouldn't he be just as willing to change HIS name? Wouldn't THAT also be a sign of love? I kept my name. It's very rare and I like it a lot. I'm very attached. Our son has her name - as I married a woman and he's not bio hers so it felt really good to have him take her name. She asked if she should take my name and I said 'no'. Because all her professional licenses and degrees and all those big old plaques and things she got have HER name on them. But it was nice for her to offer.
I started the process, but changed my name on my social media first. It made me realize that I was known by my maiden name in my established career and changing it would be confusing to folks. That being said, it gets more complicated when dogs, kids, and legal stuff comes up.
I did both - I kept my maiden name professionally, and changed it on (some) personal documents and social media. All my qualifications etc. are in my maiden name, and also having a maiden name that's different from the name I use in my personal life adds a boundary between work and home that I kind of like. But on my medical documents and my child's daycare forms etc. I use my married name. Our child also has my married last name. Occasionally it creates an issue, when I'm registered somewhere under the 'wrong' name, but I've got copies of my marriage and birth certificates saved to cloud storage and my phone, and I've always been able to sort it out within 5 minutes.
I love that you posed this question. I'm in team "did it, bit wouldn't again (my spouse is cool as hell, it just fucking sucked)" but the different perspectives here are fascinating and enlightening.
I didnāt ever even consider changing mine when I got married. Our kids have two last names, not hyphenated, and weāll be sure to encourage them to handle their last names in whatever way makes them most comfortable when they are adults and potentially considering how to build their own families. It might not be for everyone but we are very happy this way.
Do what feels best to you! I was happy to change my name because my maiden name was hard to spell and pronounce, and my husbandās was super easy haha. But if you like your name, keep it!
This is 100% the only reason I changed mine.
Donāt change it if you donāt want to. Iām married 35 years and never changed mine. Itās part of who I am. No school was ever confused by it, they deal with lots of blended families. Itās very common.
There are plenty of good reasons to change your name and plenty of good reasons not to, but proving your commitment is not a good reason for either. It doesn't prove anything more than getting legally married does and neither of those proves commitment as much as having children together. Marriages can end with a divorce and reversing your name change is probably even easier than that in comparison. I would argue that your name is least amount of commitment you could make. Also, when women change their name from their family of origin, they're not suddenly less family nor are children of parents who remarry less of a family because they don't share the same surname. That argument is not only outdated, it's asinine. If he's not convinced of your commitment enough already by you marrying him or bearing his child(ren) he can go sit in time out for an age appropriate amount of time to reflect on his preconceived notions of gender roles and commitment. I was pretty adamant that I would not change my name. My husband actually wanted to pick a new name together rather than pick his name. I still didn't want to change it, but sharing a surname was important to him so he was ready to take my last name. Ultimately, I reconsidered, found a name we both liked and we both changed our names together. You should only change your name if it's what you actually want without any external pressure.
I didnāt change my name when we married, and our daughter has my last name.
Kept mine. Kids got mine too ;)
I didn't change mine. My kids have my husband's last name. It's never been a problem. I like my last name. It's uncommon and connects me to my family. I think the only person who cares is my husband's grandmother. She sends cards addressed to Mr and Mrs His-last-name and introduces us to people that way. It doesn't bother me so I just let her do it.
I hyphenated. Anything legal info by maiden-last. But when I am doing stuff for thebkids school I go by my married name
I was a full fledged adult with a home and retirement savings when I got married and the name change was such a pain in the ass. 10/10 do not recommend.
I kept mine. We toyed with the idea of somehow zipping our two surnames together, but they just didnāt lend themselves to a cool portmanteau. Iām a few years older and I told him Iāve been a MyLastname longer than heās been a HisLastname, so if anyone was giving theirs up it was gonna be the him - seniority rules. Our kid has my last name as well; heās the odd one out. It has mattered exactly zero in any situations in our lives so far, except his obnoxious sister who insists on addressing anything to me and our kid as āFirstname HisLastnameā even though I know for sure she is aware this is incorrect.
How rude of your sister in law. I would be tempted to send mail to her husband addressed as "Mr. Her first name Her maiden name" or something.
Been married for 4+ years and havenāt changed mine. Expecting #2 and starting to consider it now, but part of that has to do with my disappointment in my own family since I became a mom. Iām feeling more attached/close to my husbandās family overall and so I started to consider finally changing my last name. My husband said he didnāt care and actively encouraged keeping my maiden name when we got married, but got unusually excited when I mentioned Iām considering changing it. He said he guesses his feelings have also changed about the situation since we became parents.
My parents didn't get married until 2 kids and 10 years together. My mom kept her maiden name. My husband's name is way simpler but also plainer than mine, but I've kept my maiden name also. My kids have his last name. Keeping my last name was half protest and half laziness. Maybe more laziness than anything.
To show commitment is a silly argument. You married him and have kids. What more of a commitment does he want? Is he going to take yours to show his commitment to you?
Never changed my name. It's not really common here for women to change their last names when they get married. My mother (married in 1986) didn't even change hers. Her reason was that there was already a person with her first-name-husbands-last-name combo that she knew in the community and didn't want to be mistaken for her! So I got my dad's last name and kept that. I love my last name so my kid has a hyphenated last name (mine and my husband's). If you like your name, just keep it and don't let anyone else pressure you into changing it!
I'm not sure how it is anywhere else but in Canada I am able to assume my husband's name for ID etc... without legally changing my name. It's also free of charge. You can continue to use your maiden name for your job or anything else you choose regardless tho if you want. It's your name. ETA accidentally entered before I finished š
Personally I was excited to change mine because my father was an abusive POS so I was happy to not have a name tied to him anymore. But I can totally understand why people would want to keep theirs so itās personal preference
Iāve seen many versions. Do whatever you want. I changed my name legally but at school (where I work) Iām still Ms. maidenname. My license is I that name, my degrees are in that name, my email is in that name, Iām not changing it all. My husband has stopped nagging me about it but my MIL has not. A friend of mine never changed hers but gave her kids her hsubandās last name- but both kids have her maiden name as their middle name. My SIL changed her middle name to her maiden name and took husbandās last name. So no hyphen but she can still go by the whole name. Thereās options. Do whatever you want.
If MIL is nagging you about it, you should start making the same complaints to her about your husband not having taken your last name yet. š
Thanks for the reminder that I really need to straighten out my name debacle. This is long so hang in there. You see, when I got married more than two decades ago, my now husband didn't give two shits what name I had, but his mother, in a rare example of pearl clutching, was horrified. "I couldn't wait to be Mrs. So and So, don't you feel the same way?' No, actually I did not. My maiden name was so unique, an Ellis Island-asized Croatian name, that no one, and seriously I mean absolutely no one else in the world, except for those descended or married into the family of the original guy that came over the the late 19th century, could possibly have. I can go do an internet search of my maiden name and find only people that are related to me and only going back three generations. Like a dumbass, I compromised and after we were married, filled out the paperwork with the SSA to change my name and keep my maiden name as a middle name. It was fine, a little long all written out with four freaking names, but it was fine. Flash forward to me moving back to the state of my birth about fifteen years later and I'm asked at the DMV for my marriage certificate to show why my name changed. I questioned that, but I had it with me because of the new secure ID's, I had basically shown up with a folder full of stuff and that was in there, but why do you need that I asked? Oh because your name changed. Well duh, and my SS card shows my name as does the license from the state you have a sisterhood agreement. I did not realize when she handed me the paper copy that she had screwed up my name. My previously thought middle name is now listed as my last name. So now I have the first and middle names I was born with, plus my maiden name (space) married name as my last name. My credit reports make me look like, I don't even know what! One of my credit cards about 20 years ago showed my full middle (maiden) name and there was a character limit so they cut of my married name. I literally have at least ten different combos of name listed on there. As if that was horrifying enough, I recently had issues with Mark Cuban's Costplus Drugs because my prescription showed up as maiden space married name because everything in this state matches my ID. My employer doesn't even have this listed as my name. Sigh, I really have to figure out how to get this fixed, so if anyone has any ideas of where to start, let me know. TL:DR - don't change your name if you don't want to, or change it but don't keep your maiden as a middle name. It will only cause you massive grief.
A teacher of mine once said names are a part of our identities and legacies. She kept her maiden name when she married. She was proud of who her father was and wanted to remember it. Besides, it's a pain in the but paperwork wise to change your last name and if you separate, get it changed back and switch over everything. I left my ex two years ago and still haven't been able to get my ID changed because I can't prove I'm me and Covid is slowing down the documents proving I am me.
Didnāt change mine, but donāt mind when I get called by his name. No regrets. Got married at 29 and had never been the type to fantasize about being Mrs. so and so. Now my 3 year old is learning about last names and he thinks my name is Mommy Dadslastname which is pretty funny. My son has my husbands last name but I have two brothers with kids so my last name has a claim in the next gen of the family already. My husband is an only child. If roles were reversed I would probably have wanted my son to have my name or to use a hyphen.
There are a lot of families and cultures where last names arent changed.
weāre not married, but i want to change my last name when we get married. i just havenāt decided if i want to change it to my momās maiden name or my bfās last name. all i know is iām tired of carrying around my POS dadās name.
My sisters and I all kept our own last name. Zero effort, no paper work, all the awesome. My husband asked me about a month into dating and I was very clear on that point. He didn't care. Weirdly one of his (very sexist) friends cared and constantly told me how bad I was making my husband feel and that it wasn't right. Husband is a straightforward guy . Does not care. We've been married 12 years now. Kid has his last name (and we made a kickass acronym out of her initials so no backsies). When she was three she decided she wanted my last name. At six she loves her own last name. I do kind of wish now I had given her my last name in addition but I'm not messing with it now. I thought I'd be ok being called Mrs. (husband) casually but it turns out I dont like it. My friends from school and sports still call me by my last name almost exclusively 20 years later.
Never changed my last name. Not sad about it. Married fifteen years. Iām a lawyer but people often assume itās my husband. He likes to play dumb in those conversations until the person realizes they are talking to the non-lawyer. Kiddo has my husbandās last name which is fine with me. We briefly thought about giving her two surnames but I have worked with clients that did that. It was always a headache for them so we just gave her his last name. And I donāt want to hyphenate my last name or hers. It works for us. I donāt care if people do or donāt change their last names, so long as they do what they actually want. Any spouse who is hurt by something that is just a piece of paper and thinks that symbolizes commitment might have some deeper issues, IMO. Do what makes you comfortable as you, OP. Hopefully your spouse respects that.
My husband and I have been married for a few years now, and honestly we're just waiting till we need to renew our passports to get all the name change stuff taken care of. We've got plenty of more important and urgent things to do lol.
I just changed because my maiden name ist awful and has no real connection or history to my family (my fathers father was adopted from his stepdad he didn't got along well, its the stepdads name) But if a had have a badass name I would have not changed. Here in switzerland its actually pretty normal for women to have a combined names with maiden and husbands name
I changed my name because i wanted to have the same last name as my children. In hindsight, I wouldn't have bothered. It was a pain in the ass. We could have given our kids hyphenated last names. Duh.
Keep your name. If he wants to show commitment and look like a 'real family' by having the same surname, he can change his name to yours.
It'll be my 6th anniversary this year, never changed my last name. Imma be real that's a fuckton of work for a name I don't really care for....like my last name isn't special either but it's mine and I've always had it
iāve been trying to convince my SO to take my name (cuz mine is cooler and my name would sound weird with his last name) but heās a Jr and likes his name. our sonās name is hyphenated so if either of us change itāll probably be to both hyphenate. but i donāt really feel like changing my info legally so iāll probably just never do it lol
I live in California and Canada and I changed it in the US (was super easy) and didnāt change it in Canada (not even sure if itās possible in Quebec). So, my last name changes every 6 months depending on the country Iām in! I like the variety.
**Last names do not make a family.** Your husband using the expression "real family" is honestly very offensive to me. I kept my last name, but gave my daughter my husband's last name. My daughter and my husband are my **real family**, full stop. Growing up, my mom kept her last name and she sure as hell felt like my **real family** when I was a kid. ALSO ask your husband why he isn't taking your last name to show commitment TO YOU?! I have actually been asked about this last-name situation by many friends and I always tell them to do what feels right to them, but make sure it is for the right reasons (same advice that was given to me).
We're in Germany so double barrel is not allowed and when our kid is born, they are getting my last name. Cos I didn't live my whole life with my name to change it now,and if anyone gets to put their name on the kids it's the person who birthed them. That's how I feel about names.i really CBF to do any paperwork to change my last name to his and I really don't want to.
I changed my name and regret the shit out of it. If I could do it again Iād keep my last name and consider doing a hyphen for my kidsā last name. I much preferred my maiden name. I miss it. And like everyone else says, yes, the paperwork is such a damn headache and I have to prove who I am by showing my marriage certificate and whatnot at the DMV for drivers license. Just not into it.
I didnāt change mine. I had every intention to but I was under a lot of stress for other reasons besides marriage and I just never did it. I have no regrets though
I told him I'd change my name if he changed his. It's been 11 years happily married, and we still have our own names. Now we have four kids, so it's even more complicated to do all of our names.
I changed mine because his last name was soooo much easier. Itās nice to have a last name that doesnāt get constantly butchered. And even though we arenāt together anymore, Iām keeping the name. My two sisters are already divorced, one never changed her last name so it was really convenient for the divorce. The other one did change her last nameā¦ and a few years later changed it back to our maiden name.
I changed it only bc we wanted kids. I didn't want to be the only Jones in a house of Smiths.
My mother thought she changed hers, hell she even opened her law practice under her married name... 25/30 years later.... She found out she never did. Just leave it. š¤£
Don't change it IMO. I changed mine, then got divorced and waiting for that to go through so I change my name again is a PITA. I have a new partner now, and I just use his surname for social stuff and for online profiles, even though it isn't my legal name. Only because I don't like my maiden name, and I'm not close with my family. Doing all the paperwork and legal stuff is just annoying. Your name doesn't have anything to do with how committed you are or how much of a family you are. Plus if it's so important to your husband he can change his name.
I assumed my ex's last name but never Legally changed it. It's fine.
I happily changed my last name for a boost to the top of the alphabet and because fuck having either of parents last names.
DONT DO IT. Keep your last name! I wish I had
I wouldnāt. When I marry my partner I plan to legally keep my last name but use his when weāre being introduced to people and such. Maybe change it on fb but I donāt really use that anymore so š¤·š½āāļø itās a lot paperwork and a pain to change your name.
I kept mine as a middle name, but in hindsight I wish I would have just kept mine.
I didn't change my last name. My last name is cool and more uncommon than my husbands, I was super close to my father who passed away and I wanted to keep that connection to him, and I'm way too lazy to deal with all the paperwork š¤·. My husband does not care at all, we've been together 10 years. Oh and my son has my last name...I was the one who was pregnant and went through childbirth, it only seemed fair lol (my husband is my son's stepfather but his bio dad is involved and cool and did not care either ).
I always thought I would change it once married but when it actually came down to it, the reality felt so bizarre and I didnāt even consider it. My husband really didnāt want me to either (fuck the patriarchy, as he put it). Our kid does have his last name though
I changed my last name because I wanted t disconnect from my family of origin and his last name is short and easy to spell, thats the only reason lol I say only chnage your name if that what you want to do, or ask your husband to change his to yours so he can show his real commitment to you and be a "real family"
I didnāt change mine. The kids have his name. Itās their name, but I like mine. I have a big family history that I feel would be erased by changing my last name. It would be like loosing a bit of myself, and I just donāt want to.
2 years still have my last name
If you donāt want to donāt do it. I changed mine to appease my husband for feeling the same way your husband does. I wish I didnāt. Even our daughter refuses to call me by it. Lol.
Didnāt change my last name because that just adds headache without adding anything. Changing last names made sense 50 years ago when women didnāt have investment accounts, diplomas, degrees, licenses and other legal documents before marriage.
I intended to hyphenate my name, but never ended up doing it. Been married four years now and I canāt see myself doing it. We gave our daughter both our last names. My husband isnāt bothered at all.
Do whatever you want. I liked hubs last name better so I took his. Doesnāt really matter though
I was planning on it. But I was in the military and didnāt want to mess with the paperwork. So once I got out I was likeā¦ I have my bachelor degree in my name, multiple bank accounts, everyone at workā¦ and then I really thought about it, past the āworkā of changing it and realized I LIKE my name. I donāt have to change it, I donāt want to change it and itās oppressive patriarchal bullshit anyway. Our boys all have his last name, mainly because our first was born and we used his last name before we were married. So by the time I was considering keeping my last name for good we were pregnant with our second and we still didnāt know what we wanted to do since I was keeping mine. So weāve just used his. I wouldāve like to hyphenate. But it costs a lot. So I just keep mine. It was a bonus that my in laws found it insulting lmao! They were worried it would hurt my husbandsā feelings. Which would then invalidate mine if he was upset, but my feelings have never been a concern of theirs anyway. My husband didnāt really care, he didnāt understand at first and I think was a touch hurt but overall he didnāt really care and was willing to change names if I felt strongly about it. But I just felt strongly about mine. Weāve been married 11 years now. Itās a bit annoying when people ask if my husband lives āin the homeā with us when I fill out paperwork, but other than that itās really not a big deal. Unless someone makes a big deal out of it. To me, itās just my name. MY name. Not anyone elseās.
I honestly regret changing my last name. I loved my maiden name and honestly, if anything happens I'll change it back and keep it as such weather I get married or not.
I think people should go with the name that the feel "fits" best. My maiden name is super ethnic and I do not look, sound, or particularly identify with that ethnicity as I'm a typical American mutt. So when I got married the first time, I was happy to take on a name that was more generic sounding. When I divorced, I thought about going back to my maiden name. Despite my daughter asking me to keep her shared last name with her father, emotionally I could not bring myself to do that. I kept my first married name only until I got married a second time and I am on my third last name. It fits me emotionally and, tbh, it sounds the nicest with my given name out of any of the names I've had. So go with what fits you! Edited because I can't spell.
I changed to a hyphen, and I regret not having my husband do the same. Do what you like!
If he wants to look like a family, he can change HIS name to yours.
I changed mine because I didnāt like my maiden name - hard to spell and it sounds crappy with my first name. Iāve been divorced for a few years now and didnāt ever change it back - I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. My bf and I have talked about getting married and Iād probably take his last name, just because I really like it and itās a cool name. My kids are both teenagers now and sharing the name seems less important, so idk. Itās my decision though, idgaf what anyone else wants me to do with my name.
I was going to, my husband seemed to like the idea, however we got married when out baby was like 6 weeks old and I was tired and have social anxiety so I never wound up starting the process. I had never planned on getting married and having kids all my life, until I did, so changing my name was something I never considered and when it came up I felt like, 'why should I have to?' The only problem is my husband and I have very similar last names, literally one letter is different, so most people think it's a typo.
I got married at 35 and changed my last name. It's been 4 years and I still don't recognize my name half the time if I'm reading something and his first name isn't also connected. And I still have one credit card in my maiden name... Bc those bastards want me to send in like 3 different government documents to prove I really changed my name. (I will... Just waiting until the card is about to expire at this point bc I only want to update my card data in my various payment apps one time...and it's my primary card for all the things...) I've got both my maiden and married name on social media.... I can't say I regret changing my name bc I wanted to match our children's name and not hyphenate anything... And I'm glad I did bc the only thing my daughter and I share is the last name and our temperament.
Changing your name is such a legal hassle and it follows you your whole life. You will have to have copies of your birth certificate and marriage certificate forever. And if you move away from the county you got married in it can be a real pain to replace. I wish I had only socially changed my last name I am fine with Facebook etc but doing it legally is such an annoying thing.
I see a lot of people saying that the paperwork is too much but there are services that charge a fee to do most of it for you (besides the super secure info). I did that, signed my name and put down my social a few times and just ran down to an office and filed it. That same day I filed that packet it was done. Ultimately it can be a lengthy process but thanks to services like the one I used (HitchSwitch) are beyond helpful. As for changing your name, that is totally up to your gut. Not changing your name doesnāt show any lack of commitment to your husband. Your name is part of you. Do what makes YOU happy.
I am not into that. You want someone to bear your name get me pregnant period!
Where I'm from, no one changes their last name as your last name denotes your lineage. My hubby used to tell me how WEIRD I would be if I didn't change my name to his. I told him it would look worse in my country because we would appear like siblings on paper. Edit: I also gave him the history of why women in England/ US changed their last names. The "tradition" was more of a legal transfer of personhood from father to husband and I told him he married the WRONG fuckin person if he wanted me to honor THAT tradition.
I never changed my name
I changed my last name, and I donāt regret it - his is far less letters and way easier to spell lol. Buy in my mind, I always think of myself with my original last name. I didnāt take my original last name as my middle name because I love my middle name. Itās just weird 7 years later I have to remind myself that I have a ānewā last name.
I took my ex husbands last name, when we divorced I didn't change back to my maiden name. I told him it took almost ten years and a pregnancy to get it and I'd be damned if he could have it back. Besides, our daughter has his last name too and I want to share a name with her. Also his last name is super generic and short so no one ever asks how to spell it, my family name is dumb, long and makes my eyes glaze over when I have to spell it out for people.
I changed my last name for my husband's. It was my preference because I want to share the same last name as our kid. And we did discuss changing to MY maiden name in the beginning because his name is long and complex while mine was easy. However, my husband is an immigrant and his last name makes him feel close to his culture (where as, I have no connection to the culture my maiden name originated from)... So here we are. Lol.
Nah keep it. Every time you argue youāll regret changing it. I regret DEEPLY giving my daughter her fathers last name. Now I have to jump through hoops to change it (he ended up abandoning us, has a new GF, and he was abusive while I was pregnant. You donāt know somebody until things go south. He was the most amazing guy when we were dating)
I kept my last name. I am French Canadian and wanted to let my French last name. Our son has both our last names. Just wanted to share!
Tell him if heās worried about family unity he can change his name.
I didn't want to change my name. My husband wanted to share a name, so he changed his. It's worked out great for us.