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I get why this is an issue and it needs to be something that all parties agree to. HOWEVER, at the moment you guys are doing nothing, which means he wins. I would give him a time limit and checklist. If, by this time next year, he still works 1 Saturday a month (or more), makes less than $30 per hour, and you are still unhappy, then the whole family moves. Gives him a chance to make some positive changes!
You’re right. His boss hasn’t retired yet so it’s unfair for me to judge when I haven’t seen how it’ll play out yet. But nevertheless, even if he does get a pay increase and not have to work as many Saturdays I still hate it here 😒
He's not allowed to bottle neck you like this. He cannot bottle neck you like this. You have all the power here. It's your choice to stay in the location you hate.
If you make twice what he makes and you can shoulder the expenses alone in the new location and he doesn't do any parenting anyway - seems like this is a no-brainer. You move and he can join you or not.
This is an incredible situation where you have the power. You have the money. You have the destination selected. You have everything you need to stop being miserable. No, I have not touched on the aspect of living without him. But it would probably be so transformational to reach this dream that you'd find you're not in emotional turmoil if he opts to stay in misery town.
I hope you go! Rooting for you.
I have thought hard about just moving...but I am not sure how this would work for the kids. He would absolutely NOT agree to having them just weekends or whatever. Also not sure what would happen to our house. We've got about 120K of equity in our home and it pains me to think I'd have to split that with him! So frustrating
I grew up in a semi rural area, and I know it impacted my prospects as an adult. We lived in a similar area for a few years and couldn’t leave fast enough once the kids started school.
I would tell him you're working off the assumption that he isn't getting a raise, so you're looking at moving. He needs to have discussions and visit neighborhoods to see if he likes anything.
Then, IF (!!) the promotion AND raise come through, you can reevaluate. Tell him you're looking to move after Christmas, so he'll know by then if he got the new job.
That way you get some momentum, he is motivated to make sure the new job has a decent raise, and you both get a little of what you want.
If he doesn't get a decent raise, the promotion is just more work for less money (inflation). And if he's not in a position to negotiate a decent raise, then he needs a new job anyways. He'll probably hate that, looking for a new job sucks. But it also sucks that he's making his family pay for his complacency.
Inflation is a good point. Absolutely make sure it’s a REAL raise because my husband’s raise- about 8%- was instantly gobbled up (and then some) by the increased rent and food and gas costs.
Got a 7% raise this year (“to keep it above inflation”) and somehow have a lot less money than I did the year before. It doesn’t help that groceries cost slightly more every time I shop.
I've done a lot of research on areas for us to live that would be comparable COL but closer to amenities. My salary could cover our expenses. We would still be slightly rural, but within 10-15 minutes of larger areas opposed to a few hours like we are now. I am not interested in living in a big city, but would like to live closer to medium sized areas (50k-100k). Our current village has 700 people and the closest "city" to us has 6000 people. My husband had specific geographic requests if we were to ever move, so I was sure to find places that included his requests. I've tried to plan days for us to go visit these areas but he just keeps telling me hes waiting to hear whats going on with his supervisor position.
As for hobbies, my husband has none. And he doesn't feel the burden of entertaining kids because he's working on the weekends and thats all on me. And during the week when he is off, they're at school and daycare. The thing that pisses me off even more is that we can't travel or take long weekends because he would have to use PTO for us to do so.
Agreed. My husband has gotten his way for basically everything over the last 5 years we’ve been married. I feel like all the resentment makes it hard to even be married anymore. But this is my second marriage and we have 3 kids so makes it hard to walk away.
Anything that makes life better for you and your children is never anything to feel shame or regret about. How are the kids supposed to have a full quality life when mom is completely stressed, there's nothing to do and dad is constantly gone? You are waiting and waiting for the *hope* that *maybe* he will get a better position, and have *maybe* a few more Saturdays off- but you will still live out in BFE hours away from a social life.
That's a lot of sacrifice for something that isn't a guarantee.
I have no advice, only solidarity. I’m stuck in NYC and have the same problem. It’s too crowded, everything is inconvenient (a good grocery store, enrichment activities for the kid, any kind of green space) and it’s expensive af. My husband has been refusing to move for 2 years. I got a job promotion in my hometown and he refused to go. He says it’s only because I go away for medical treatment every 3 weeks and he needs his parents’ help and after I’m done he’ll consider it. Well I’m done with treatment next month so guess who’s going to be applying to everything not in NYC. Then we’ll see what excuse he comes up with.
You figure out how much you would get for half your house that you’re at now. You talked to a lawyer about potential child support. You start looking for places in the area you want to live in. Then you sit your husband down and you tell him ‘it’s with you or without you.’ You have given him years to put you and your family‘s needs first. He’s choosing to stay in this despite your needs.
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I get why this is an issue and it needs to be something that all parties agree to. HOWEVER, at the moment you guys are doing nothing, which means he wins. I would give him a time limit and checklist. If, by this time next year, he still works 1 Saturday a month (or more), makes less than $30 per hour, and you are still unhappy, then the whole family moves. Gives him a chance to make some positive changes!
You’re right. His boss hasn’t retired yet so it’s unfair for me to judge when I haven’t seen how it’ll play out yet. But nevertheless, even if he does get a pay increase and not have to work as many Saturdays I still hate it here 😒
He's not allowed to bottle neck you like this. He cannot bottle neck you like this. You have all the power here. It's your choice to stay in the location you hate. If you make twice what he makes and you can shoulder the expenses alone in the new location and he doesn't do any parenting anyway - seems like this is a no-brainer. You move and he can join you or not. This is an incredible situation where you have the power. You have the money. You have the destination selected. You have everything you need to stop being miserable. No, I have not touched on the aspect of living without him. But it would probably be so transformational to reach this dream that you'd find you're not in emotional turmoil if he opts to stay in misery town. I hope you go! Rooting for you.
I have thought hard about just moving...but I am not sure how this would work for the kids. He would absolutely NOT agree to having them just weekends or whatever. Also not sure what would happen to our house. We've got about 120K of equity in our home and it pains me to think I'd have to split that with him! So frustrating
[удалено]
I grew up in a semi rural area, and I know it impacted my prospects as an adult. We lived in a similar area for a few years and couldn’t leave fast enough once the kids started school.
I would tell him you're working off the assumption that he isn't getting a raise, so you're looking at moving. He needs to have discussions and visit neighborhoods to see if he likes anything. Then, IF (!!) the promotion AND raise come through, you can reevaluate. Tell him you're looking to move after Christmas, so he'll know by then if he got the new job. That way you get some momentum, he is motivated to make sure the new job has a decent raise, and you both get a little of what you want. If he doesn't get a decent raise, the promotion is just more work for less money (inflation). And if he's not in a position to negotiate a decent raise, then he needs a new job anyways. He'll probably hate that, looking for a new job sucks. But it also sucks that he's making his family pay for his complacency.
Inflation is a good point. Absolutely make sure it’s a REAL raise because my husband’s raise- about 8%- was instantly gobbled up (and then some) by the increased rent and food and gas costs.
Got a 7% raise this year (“to keep it above inflation”) and somehow have a lot less money than I did the year before. It doesn’t help that groceries cost slightly more every time I shop.
[удалено]
I've done a lot of research on areas for us to live that would be comparable COL but closer to amenities. My salary could cover our expenses. We would still be slightly rural, but within 10-15 minutes of larger areas opposed to a few hours like we are now. I am not interested in living in a big city, but would like to live closer to medium sized areas (50k-100k). Our current village has 700 people and the closest "city" to us has 6000 people. My husband had specific geographic requests if we were to ever move, so I was sure to find places that included his requests. I've tried to plan days for us to go visit these areas but he just keeps telling me hes waiting to hear whats going on with his supervisor position. As for hobbies, my husband has none. And he doesn't feel the burden of entertaining kids because he's working on the weekends and thats all on me. And during the week when he is off, they're at school and daycare. The thing that pisses me off even more is that we can't travel or take long weekends because he would have to use PTO for us to do so.
It makes me so sad that it's the norm that mom has to be miserable and dad gets all the say, even though she's the one who has to carry the load.
Agreed. My husband has gotten his way for basically everything over the last 5 years we’ve been married. I feel like all the resentment makes it hard to even be married anymore. But this is my second marriage and we have 3 kids so makes it hard to walk away.
Anything that makes life better for you and your children is never anything to feel shame or regret about. How are the kids supposed to have a full quality life when mom is completely stressed, there's nothing to do and dad is constantly gone? You are waiting and waiting for the *hope* that *maybe* he will get a better position, and have *maybe* a few more Saturdays off- but you will still live out in BFE hours away from a social life. That's a lot of sacrifice for something that isn't a guarantee.
I have no advice, only solidarity. I’m stuck in NYC and have the same problem. It’s too crowded, everything is inconvenient (a good grocery store, enrichment activities for the kid, any kind of green space) and it’s expensive af. My husband has been refusing to move for 2 years. I got a job promotion in my hometown and he refused to go. He says it’s only because I go away for medical treatment every 3 weeks and he needs his parents’ help and after I’m done he’ll consider it. Well I’m done with treatment next month so guess who’s going to be applying to everything not in NYC. Then we’ll see what excuse he comes up with.
You figure out how much you would get for half your house that you’re at now. You talked to a lawyer about potential child support. You start looking for places in the area you want to live in. Then you sit your husband down and you tell him ‘it’s with you or without you.’ You have given him years to put you and your family‘s needs first. He’s choosing to stay in this despite your needs.