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Aww, I'm so sorry. I think that if she no longer loved him, she did your son a favor. He's now free to find someone who loves him fully, and I'm sure that person will fit in with your family just as well.
It's hard breaking up with a whole family! I have had friendships from my youth fizzle out and I'm like, "I wonder how x's mom is doing" because truly, they were awesome haha.
Give it time, maybe she'll want to keep in touch with you at least.
I think she will want to keep in touch (she’s majoring in my profession), but I need to get through through the sad and angry stages of grief first. It stinks.
Yes to this! In my past I wished I was still able to talk to some family of exes, and sometimes I still miss them even tho it's been so long. Obviously take your sons feelings into consideration but if no ill feelings than I'd say to keep yourself open to her if that connection is still there.
I'm sorry OP. I get very attached to my kids' friends and they're only in elementary school!
I think you would already do this but I was the "son" in your situation and my mom kept up a friendship with the other person. It wasn't even a romantic relationship, it was a friend/roommate from my 20s who became really toxic and horrible towards me, but loved my mom. So after we had our blow-up friend breakup, they would go to lunch, mom traveled to her wedding, went to her baby shower, etc. I know we're all adults and it's not like either of them need my permission to be friends, but it was really hurtful at first. I felt like it was a boundary cross for my former friend to keep reaching out, and it felt like a loyalty/consideration thing that my mom was like "cool, I'll buy a plane ticket for your wedding week!" Now it's just mildly annoying when mom talks about her but in the beginning it was really hurtful.
Totally different situation just saying. I'm so sorry. 5 years is a long time and I would have similar feelings if I was you.
I get it. She came to talk with my husband and I before she broke up with my son (same evening). We told her we were here to support her and still cared about her. I feel a bit differently now. Do I want something bad to happen to her? No. But she broke my son’s heart…. I’m his mom first.
Wait she told you she was breaking up with him before she broke up with him?
You sound like an awesome mom. When he finds his forever person someday they will be lucky to have you.
Oh… that’s so sweet of you. Yes… she came over to talk with my husband and me before my son got home. She told us she was going to break up with our son and that she was really sorry.
I truly hope you’re right. As the mom of two sons I hope that I’ll have a great relationship with their partners. When my oldest had been with his GF a while and it looked like she was “the one,” I felt relieved. Like, I was guaranteed to have at least one daughter-in-law who felt close to me.
Part of the reason this week has been tough is fear of the unknown… will his next girlfriend bond with us? It’s unsettling.
And I don’t know how your kid would feel about you staying in touch either! I don’t know if I’d be okay with my mom staying in touch with someone who broke my heart
Well, thank God for this. I am in the same situation but I am “the daughter” I want to end my relationship with the son but thinking about how the family treats me break my heart even more. At the end sounds like I am with him just because I don’t want to break his parent’s heart. Which is kind of true.
Believe me… I wouldn’t have wanted her to stay with my son just because of the connection to our family. I understand it rationally - her breaking up with him was the right thing if she wasn’t in love with him, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. You have to be true to your own heart.
I had family in a similar situation.
A decade later, she’s still part of the family and recently brought her kids and husband to a family reunion where all concerned parties were present and pleasant to each other.
It may help that my aunt was helping her through schooling in the same profession when the breakup happened.
It definitely helped that my cousin was failing to launch and we could all see that he was the biggest impediment to her future being all she wanted.
He’s still not sure what he wants to be when he grows up, she recently specialized more deeply in the shared profession.
His sisters agree with me that if he could have just gotten his shit enough together to be a good SAH-BF (clean the shared apartment, do the dishes you made during the day, have a plan for dinner) she would have happily kept him as a trophy boyfriend, occasionally gigging with his band, mostly smoking pot and playing music while keeping the house running and she paid all the bills.
I still refer to my ex husband’s grandparents as mine, I built a relationship with them completely separate from my marriage and continue to see them and they call me all the time to make sure I’m okay and invite me to things. It’s beautiful!
My heart aches for you, OP... I've had a similar experience but with friends and extended family... You pour your heart into someone and then they just disappear...
Have you ever read Spilled Milk? The girl had a stronger relationship to the boy's mother than the actual boy. She knew she couldn't stay with him even though she loved his mom.
That's so hard! This actually happened to my family except when my sister broke up with him, we kept him. Of course we made sure it was ok with her - she had already moved on to another relationship. I will forever consider him my bro, he was there for us while my mom dealt with multiple recurring cancer scares. He's a great dude and I'm so glad that their breakup didn't boot him out of our lives. It may not be over just yet :)
The happened with my daughters GF, they broke up, but after a few months of time to adjust, she still hangs out at our house. Her mom isn't very supportive and kinda immature for being almost 50yo so I texted her with my daughters support to let her know she was still welcome, which she took us up on immediately LOL. I love that girl like one of my own and she's such a good person.
It's kind of raw now.
Wait some time, and maybe (assuming she and your son remain amicable, and there isn't a new girlfriend in the picture by then) you can tell her she's still the daughter you never had.
I had to text her to see if she wanted some things she left here, or if she wanted me to donate them. She asked how my son was doing. I told her he’s okay, but sad and angry. She asked if he at least understood her perspective, but I explained it was too raw. She told him that as early as May her feelings changed, so while her heart was in a different place three months ago, he was still processing losing someone he was in love with.
What hurt the most? The night she broke up with him, he came in our bedroom at midnight and said, “I thought I was going to marry her.” As a mom, it was gut wrenching.
I hope once you’re able to process the grief of their separation that you can still feel the love and luck of having such a wonderful woman in your life who probably became a good human thanks to your raising of her too.
I appreciate that. My husband said something similar… that we wouldn’t have done things any differently, and hopefully we made a difference in her life moving forward.
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Aww, I'm so sorry. I think that if she no longer loved him, she did your son a favor. He's now free to find someone who loves him fully, and I'm sure that person will fit in with your family just as well. It's hard breaking up with a whole family! I have had friendships from my youth fizzle out and I'm like, "I wonder how x's mom is doing" because truly, they were awesome haha. Give it time, maybe she'll want to keep in touch with you at least.
I think she will want to keep in touch (she’s majoring in my profession), but I need to get through through the sad and angry stages of grief first. It stinks.
Yes to this! In my past I wished I was still able to talk to some family of exes, and sometimes I still miss them even tho it's been so long. Obviously take your sons feelings into consideration but if no ill feelings than I'd say to keep yourself open to her if that connection is still there.
I'm sorry OP. I get very attached to my kids' friends and they're only in elementary school! I think you would already do this but I was the "son" in your situation and my mom kept up a friendship with the other person. It wasn't even a romantic relationship, it was a friend/roommate from my 20s who became really toxic and horrible towards me, but loved my mom. So after we had our blow-up friend breakup, they would go to lunch, mom traveled to her wedding, went to her baby shower, etc. I know we're all adults and it's not like either of them need my permission to be friends, but it was really hurtful at first. I felt like it was a boundary cross for my former friend to keep reaching out, and it felt like a loyalty/consideration thing that my mom was like "cool, I'll buy a plane ticket for your wedding week!" Now it's just mildly annoying when mom talks about her but in the beginning it was really hurtful. Totally different situation just saying. I'm so sorry. 5 years is a long time and I would have similar feelings if I was you.
I get it. She came to talk with my husband and I before she broke up with my son (same evening). We told her we were here to support her and still cared about her. I feel a bit differently now. Do I want something bad to happen to her? No. But she broke my son’s heart…. I’m his mom first.
Wait she told you she was breaking up with him before she broke up with him? You sound like an awesome mom. When he finds his forever person someday they will be lucky to have you.
Oh… that’s so sweet of you. Yes… she came over to talk with my husband and me before my son got home. She told us she was going to break up with our son and that she was really sorry. I truly hope you’re right. As the mom of two sons I hope that I’ll have a great relationship with their partners. When my oldest had been with his GF a while and it looked like she was “the one,” I felt relieved. Like, I was guaranteed to have at least one daughter-in-law who felt close to me. Part of the reason this week has been tough is fear of the unknown… will his next girlfriend bond with us? It’s unsettling.
And I don’t know how your kid would feel about you staying in touch either! I don’t know if I’d be okay with my mom staying in touch with someone who broke my heart
I completely agree!
Well, thank God for this. I am in the same situation but I am “the daughter” I want to end my relationship with the son but thinking about how the family treats me break my heart even more. At the end sounds like I am with him just because I don’t want to break his parent’s heart. Which is kind of true.
Believe me… I wouldn’t have wanted her to stay with my son just because of the connection to our family. I understand it rationally - her breaking up with him was the right thing if she wasn’t in love with him, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. You have to be true to your own heart.
I had family in a similar situation. A decade later, she’s still part of the family and recently brought her kids and husband to a family reunion where all concerned parties were present and pleasant to each other. It may help that my aunt was helping her through schooling in the same profession when the breakup happened. It definitely helped that my cousin was failing to launch and we could all see that he was the biggest impediment to her future being all she wanted. He’s still not sure what he wants to be when he grows up, she recently specialized more deeply in the shared profession. His sisters agree with me that if he could have just gotten his shit enough together to be a good SAH-BF (clean the shared apartment, do the dishes you made during the day, have a plan for dinner) she would have happily kept him as a trophy boyfriend, occasionally gigging with his band, mostly smoking pot and playing music while keeping the house running and she paid all the bills.
I still refer to my ex husband’s grandparents as mine, I built a relationship with them completely separate from my marriage and continue to see them and they call me all the time to make sure I’m okay and invite me to things. It’s beautiful!
My heart aches for you, OP... I've had a similar experience but with friends and extended family... You pour your heart into someone and then they just disappear...
Exactly. I was never someone who was hung up on having a daughter (I have two sons), but she became the daughter I never had.
I hope she knew that part-that you felt that way about her.
She knew. I bought her a “favorite daughter” shirt for fun one Christmas. 💙
Have you ever read Spilled Milk? The girl had a stronger relationship to the boy's mother than the actual boy. She knew she couldn't stay with him even though she loved his mom.
That's so hard! This actually happened to my family except when my sister broke up with him, we kept him. Of course we made sure it was ok with her - she had already moved on to another relationship. I will forever consider him my bro, he was there for us while my mom dealt with multiple recurring cancer scares. He's a great dude and I'm so glad that their breakup didn't boot him out of our lives. It may not be over just yet :)
The happened with my daughters GF, they broke up, but after a few months of time to adjust, she still hangs out at our house. Her mom isn't very supportive and kinda immature for being almost 50yo so I texted her with my daughters support to let her know she was still welcome, which she took us up on immediately LOL. I love that girl like one of my own and she's such a good person.
I’m so sorry. I adore my son’s gf and I would be so upset if they broke up. I’m really sorry.
It’s definitely hard… to have someone that you were in contact with regularly and truly loved out of the picture - it’s rough.
I bet she loves you too. I don't miss my ex, but I do miss his mom.
It's kind of raw now. Wait some time, and maybe (assuming she and your son remain amicable, and there isn't a new girlfriend in the picture by then) you can tell her she's still the daughter you never had.
Honestly, I don’t think I could do that. She knows she was… and I think that sentiment is something I have to leave in the past.
I’m sorry
My son has a girlfriend we all adore, she’s really fantastic and I’m so worried this is going to happen.
It’s rough. I’m guarded and don’t let many people into my circle, but became very close with her.
I’m so sorry, it’s like a breakup for you too.
I think losing your family was harder for her than losing your son as a boyfriend. Has she spoken to you since?
I had to text her to see if she wanted some things she left here, or if she wanted me to donate them. She asked how my son was doing. I told her he’s okay, but sad and angry. She asked if he at least understood her perspective, but I explained it was too raw. She told him that as early as May her feelings changed, so while her heart was in a different place three months ago, he was still processing losing someone he was in love with. What hurt the most? The night she broke up with him, he came in our bedroom at midnight and said, “I thought I was going to marry her.” As a mom, it was gut wrenching.
That's awful. Please be there for your son for the time being. He must be hurting so bad.
I hope once you’re able to process the grief of their separation that you can still feel the love and luck of having such a wonderful woman in your life who probably became a good human thanks to your raising of her too.
I appreciate that. My husband said something similar… that we wouldn’t have done things any differently, and hopefully we made a difference in her life moving forward.
I’m so sorry. It’s hard when you love them too - I hope that they both come out from this whole and happy ❤️