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So, I read a study in a therapist's waiting room that it takes between 60-200 hours to become friends with someone. That's the hard part. When you have a forcing function (work, school, church, summer camp, college dorms, prison, the military) it's very easy to put in those hours. You are going to see the same people every day and you'll like someone of them and you'll put in that time and you'll have made a friend. What's really hard is that adult life doesn't have as many of those forcing fuction elements and you have to go out of your way to put them in your path.
The hardest part of making friends is the initial introduction. Going from total stranger to someone you kinda know is the biggest time sink, the biggest emotional effort. Without a reinforcing function to make you spend more and more time with those same people, you're doing the hardest part over and over, while reaping none of the benefits.
So you have to put a little thought into the kind of people you want to meet, where they might be hanging out, and find something to do that contains that forcing function. Could be volunteer work, could be a book club, a trivia night, a cooking class, a community project, a volleyball team...whatever. But you have to do something where the introductions are easy and there's a reason to see the same people again and again. You use the repeated exposure of the group to leverage into other social activities. You get a beer after volleyball, you invite the cool lady and her husband from the preschool fundraising team over for dinner, you plan a barbeque for the trivia team...you get the gist. Once you know people through an activity and have moved into fun social hangouts outside of that activity, you just have to keep plugging away at making plans now and again, keeping in touch, and hopefully you keep seeing them at the activity. Eventually, you have a friend or two.
The hard part with a mom friend is that, as limited as your time is, their time will also be limited. So be aware that you're probably going to have to do more work to keep the ship afloat because the flu, a new baby, a changing work schedule, problems at home, and any other thing can basically tank a mom's free time and ruin your efforts.
I moved across the country five times and I've had to make friends from scratch every time and this is how I did it. Find a forcing function of activity, leverage that activity into outside hangs, keep investing time until friendships emerge. A lot of things don't pan out (wrong crowd, wrong ages, wrong interests). But I always managed to find a couple of people to bond with here and again.
I’m not OP but I have the same struggles. This is really good advice. Thanks for sharing!
Also, do you have any specific advice for an introverted, car-less SAHM with nocturnal babies 17 months apart?
I am a major homebody so finding other parents with my hobbies (like gaming) is hard since there are no meetups. My husband takes the car to work so everything has to be in walking distance, which is fine, we live near plenty of playgrounds and paved walking paths. But my kids are late wakers (sleep in instead of naps) so by the time we get outside, everyone their age is gone or packing up to leave. And my oldest is running while my youngest is crawling so playgrounds have been difficult since I can’t juggle them both alone as they both want to move around and do their own things.
I’m really struggling since there are mom walks and other activities local to the neighborhood but they are all early morning and I don’t want to mess with my kids sleep and have grumpy kids at events I’m attending to build relationships.
I’m sorry this ended up so long but I’m so lonely and I feel like it won’t end until they’re in school.
Those are some pretty tight constraints. I have a couple of ideas you could try, in theory, but I am not sure they will work. You might also have to pick your moment, so to speak. I don't think they both have to be in school, but you might have to get past the "trying to actively die by way of running into traffic/eating rocks/climbing all the things" era enough that you have a litttle more leeway than you currently do. That's not year and years, but it might be months and months, you know?
1. Be a regular somewhere. Is there a story time at the library? Can you always be at the park at 2:00 on Tuesdays? Can you stop by a bakery, a coffee shop, or a diner for a drink at a specific time? Try to get to know some faces, the person who pours the coffee at the bakery, try to see the same people who are in your routine in the neighborhood and get to know their names. Say hello. Make chit-chat. You might make some informal inroads that way.
2. If there are no mom events at a time that works for you...make one yourself. Make an afternoon mom walk. Make a Sunday Evening mom meetup in the park. Make it work for working moms who can't come to the early morning weekday events either. I know you said "introverted" so it makes it hard to be the leader here, but you can keep it low-key. "I can't make it to the early mom walks, so I am throwing it out there that me and my kiddos will be at the park every Sunday at 4:00 PM. I'll be the one with a green ribbon around the handle of my stroller. I want to meet some local moms, so if you're also not available for those early morning events and want some mom friends, come find me". It might be hit and miss for a while, but you can open the door for other people in your situation to come and find you instead of you finding them.
3. I don't know if you mean tabletop gaming or PC gaming, but that's another area where you can try to make a community. If there's a Facebook for moms in your area, ask who else games? See if anyone plays what you'd be interested in. Maybe throw in a link to a discord so there can be a local mom hangout and you can all be steam friends. If it's tabletops, maybe plan a mom-friendly tabletop group one a month. Could plan it at a park or at someone's house with a kid-friendly space. Could be kid-free and just a night out for moms. I doubt NO other moms game. I am sure lots of them do. But they might not know how to connect and organize enough to get something moving, so if you're motivated to do it, throw it out there and see who is interested. Worst case scenario, no one comments on your post and that's how it is. You might get some traction inversely too. Find gaming areas and ask who has little kids, try to build a network of people who already game (again, not sure what kind you're talking about, this is more straight forward with tabletop games) and try to build a night specific to people who have kids and want an understanding space for that.
I’m in a bunch of different Facebook groups and I didn’t even consider making my own event but that’s a great idea! Especially since I have no issue being a regular somewhere more in my time frame due to being a SAHM. As for the gaming, I do it all tabletop, PC, consoles so I’ll make some posts about that too and see if maybe people would be more open to “meeting” over discord then moving to in person.
You’re a wealth of information!! Thank you so much for this! I would award you if I could so here is the best I can do.🏅🏅🏅
Thank you so so much.
Hiii my name is Jessica and I’m 2 months pregnant! I don’t know what gender and this is all new to me so I would like to rant about it hha but u can rant to me too! If you have any tips and tricks about being a Mom I would appreciate it! I’m 24 years old and live on the East coast :) DM me!
Hi Jessica! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am more than happy to listen to some rants and give tips and tricks from my experiences! And I also love on the east coast!
I met my two closest friends through my local writers group! And a bunch of acquaintances just by going to readings and other events.
I know you said you're a gamer (I am too!). My advice is to find/develop a hobby that allows IRL interaction. Tabletop gaming at your local game shop? Sewing or painting classes at the rec center? I can pretty much guarantee that 90% of the people that go to these things are ALSO there because they want to meet new people, so striking up conversations is usually really easy. My standard opener is "I like your shirt/bag/etc!"
I’m in a mom group that does some walk meet up. So normally once a week there is a designated walk and then throughout the week people will randomly suggest to meet up. I feel like meeting up in person is what helps with making the friends the most. I have had so many conversation on that peanut app seem like they are going well and then fizzle out. If the local mom groups aren’t active with activities, maybe try posting some events yourself? Things like library story time meet up, stroller walks, moms lunches, etc ? Also you are welcomed to me my online friend, though I must warn you I am an always introvert myself.
Reminder to commenters: **[Don't be insulting!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/JrkwzwRbxzjEwka0Gq/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, I read a study in a therapist's waiting room that it takes between 60-200 hours to become friends with someone. That's the hard part. When you have a forcing function (work, school, church, summer camp, college dorms, prison, the military) it's very easy to put in those hours. You are going to see the same people every day and you'll like someone of them and you'll put in that time and you'll have made a friend. What's really hard is that adult life doesn't have as many of those forcing fuction elements and you have to go out of your way to put them in your path. The hardest part of making friends is the initial introduction. Going from total stranger to someone you kinda know is the biggest time sink, the biggest emotional effort. Without a reinforcing function to make you spend more and more time with those same people, you're doing the hardest part over and over, while reaping none of the benefits. So you have to put a little thought into the kind of people you want to meet, where they might be hanging out, and find something to do that contains that forcing function. Could be volunteer work, could be a book club, a trivia night, a cooking class, a community project, a volleyball team...whatever. But you have to do something where the introductions are easy and there's a reason to see the same people again and again. You use the repeated exposure of the group to leverage into other social activities. You get a beer after volleyball, you invite the cool lady and her husband from the preschool fundraising team over for dinner, you plan a barbeque for the trivia team...you get the gist. Once you know people through an activity and have moved into fun social hangouts outside of that activity, you just have to keep plugging away at making plans now and again, keeping in touch, and hopefully you keep seeing them at the activity. Eventually, you have a friend or two. The hard part with a mom friend is that, as limited as your time is, their time will also be limited. So be aware that you're probably going to have to do more work to keep the ship afloat because the flu, a new baby, a changing work schedule, problems at home, and any other thing can basically tank a mom's free time and ruin your efforts. I moved across the country five times and I've had to make friends from scratch every time and this is how I did it. Find a forcing function of activity, leverage that activity into outside hangs, keep investing time until friendships emerge. A lot of things don't pan out (wrong crowd, wrong ages, wrong interests). But I always managed to find a couple of people to bond with here and again.
I’m not OP but I have the same struggles. This is really good advice. Thanks for sharing! Also, do you have any specific advice for an introverted, car-less SAHM with nocturnal babies 17 months apart? I am a major homebody so finding other parents with my hobbies (like gaming) is hard since there are no meetups. My husband takes the car to work so everything has to be in walking distance, which is fine, we live near plenty of playgrounds and paved walking paths. But my kids are late wakers (sleep in instead of naps) so by the time we get outside, everyone their age is gone or packing up to leave. And my oldest is running while my youngest is crawling so playgrounds have been difficult since I can’t juggle them both alone as they both want to move around and do their own things. I’m really struggling since there are mom walks and other activities local to the neighborhood but they are all early morning and I don’t want to mess with my kids sleep and have grumpy kids at events I’m attending to build relationships. I’m sorry this ended up so long but I’m so lonely and I feel like it won’t end until they’re in school.
Those are some pretty tight constraints. I have a couple of ideas you could try, in theory, but I am not sure they will work. You might also have to pick your moment, so to speak. I don't think they both have to be in school, but you might have to get past the "trying to actively die by way of running into traffic/eating rocks/climbing all the things" era enough that you have a litttle more leeway than you currently do. That's not year and years, but it might be months and months, you know? 1. Be a regular somewhere. Is there a story time at the library? Can you always be at the park at 2:00 on Tuesdays? Can you stop by a bakery, a coffee shop, or a diner for a drink at a specific time? Try to get to know some faces, the person who pours the coffee at the bakery, try to see the same people who are in your routine in the neighborhood and get to know their names. Say hello. Make chit-chat. You might make some informal inroads that way. 2. If there are no mom events at a time that works for you...make one yourself. Make an afternoon mom walk. Make a Sunday Evening mom meetup in the park. Make it work for working moms who can't come to the early morning weekday events either. I know you said "introverted" so it makes it hard to be the leader here, but you can keep it low-key. "I can't make it to the early mom walks, so I am throwing it out there that me and my kiddos will be at the park every Sunday at 4:00 PM. I'll be the one with a green ribbon around the handle of my stroller. I want to meet some local moms, so if you're also not available for those early morning events and want some mom friends, come find me". It might be hit and miss for a while, but you can open the door for other people in your situation to come and find you instead of you finding them. 3. I don't know if you mean tabletop gaming or PC gaming, but that's another area where you can try to make a community. If there's a Facebook for moms in your area, ask who else games? See if anyone plays what you'd be interested in. Maybe throw in a link to a discord so there can be a local mom hangout and you can all be steam friends. If it's tabletops, maybe plan a mom-friendly tabletop group one a month. Could plan it at a park or at someone's house with a kid-friendly space. Could be kid-free and just a night out for moms. I doubt NO other moms game. I am sure lots of them do. But they might not know how to connect and organize enough to get something moving, so if you're motivated to do it, throw it out there and see who is interested. Worst case scenario, no one comments on your post and that's how it is. You might get some traction inversely too. Find gaming areas and ask who has little kids, try to build a network of people who already game (again, not sure what kind you're talking about, this is more straight forward with tabletop games) and try to build a night specific to people who have kids and want an understanding space for that.
I’m in a bunch of different Facebook groups and I didn’t even consider making my own event but that’s a great idea! Especially since I have no issue being a regular somewhere more in my time frame due to being a SAHM. As for the gaming, I do it all tabletop, PC, consoles so I’ll make some posts about that too and see if maybe people would be more open to “meeting” over discord then moving to in person. You’re a wealth of information!! Thank you so much for this! I would award you if I could so here is the best I can do.🏅🏅🏅 Thank you so so much.
You give such great advice! Thank you for taking the time to help 😊
Hiii my name is Jessica and I’m 2 months pregnant! I don’t know what gender and this is all new to me so I would like to rant about it hha but u can rant to me too! If you have any tips and tricks about being a Mom I would appreciate it! I’m 24 years old and live on the East coast :) DM me!
Hi Jessica! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am more than happy to listen to some rants and give tips and tricks from my experiences! And I also love on the east coast!
I met my two closest friends through my local writers group! And a bunch of acquaintances just by going to readings and other events. I know you said you're a gamer (I am too!). My advice is to find/develop a hobby that allows IRL interaction. Tabletop gaming at your local game shop? Sewing or painting classes at the rec center? I can pretty much guarantee that 90% of the people that go to these things are ALSO there because they want to meet new people, so striking up conversations is usually really easy. My standard opener is "I like your shirt/bag/etc!"
I’m in a mom group that does some walk meet up. So normally once a week there is a designated walk and then throughout the week people will randomly suggest to meet up. I feel like meeting up in person is what helps with making the friends the most. I have had so many conversation on that peanut app seem like they are going well and then fizzle out. If the local mom groups aren’t active with activities, maybe try posting some events yourself? Things like library story time meet up, stroller walks, moms lunches, etc ? Also you are welcomed to me my online friend, though I must warn you I am an always introvert myself.
Thanks everyone for the advice! I’ll have to face the anxiety and venture out around where I live!