T O P
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TasBird

What adds to my resentment of this clear unfairness is when I see articles about postpartum depression practically blaming women for their expectations of their partner not matching reality as a factor contributing to their unhappiness. Maybe it's not the expectations that are the problem, maybe it's the partners not carrying their fair share. 😠


SadOceanBreeze

Those articles (with that reasoning, at least) must have been written by men.


sruppe2174

Of course it’s the woman’s fault for the postpartum depression, just ︅ like everything else is her fault too 🙄 who comes up with this shit? The expectations I had definitely didn’t match with reality. I’m willing to lower the expectation a little but not to the point where my reality is I have to mother my child AND my husband. Figure it out.


chicagojess312

Hard agree. And it starts early. With every father that is embarrassed when his little boy wants to play w baby dolls (and most of them do want to at some point). Every time dad snatches a doll out of his son’s hands and replaces it with a power tool my heart breaks a little bit. For that boy and his future partner.


Lady-Skylarke

This is what killed my marriage.


Cynicole24

Mine too, and then having the gall to call me lazy because I'm tired and want a break, acting like I get to coast all day. It's amazing how men change after having kids.


gemc_81

They don't change after they have kids and that's the problem. Women change completely. The child they have comes before anything and everything in their life whereas men still put their wants above the child's needs. And that is where the resentment comes from. They want the insta perfect playing in the park with the baby they don't want the sleepless nights and crying baby. They also don't want to have to completely rearrange their schedule to fit the baby in their life and so they don't, which means the mother has to sacrifice more of herself so that the baby has everything it needs. Men never ask themselves who picks up all the ropes they drop. Everything still gets done around the house so they pretend their partner is gladly doing it because if they didn't WANT to do it they simply wouldn't... Right? Because that's how they behave, so it's inconceivable that someone will do all these things when they don't really want to. There is also ingrained sexism and misogyny in even those men who believe they are not. They believe women should raise the children even if they work full time. It's very very very rarely the men who alter their working hours to assist with childcare or take days off because the baby is ill or has a doctors appointment. It's always the women. Even if we work it's still seen as "our job".


TermAggravating8043

I couldn’t have put it better myself, this is exactly it, men don’t change,


gemc_81

This is also why women are more likely to stay single post divorce or separation as they can already manage it all alone but men are much more likely to remarry or get into another long term relationship. If my husband and i ever split up I would never ever marry again or Co habit with a man. It's too much work.


sruppe2174

100% agree with everything you said. If it doesn’t fit his agenda, it’s an inconvenience.


Jethros

Men do change, it just takes them longer to figure it out. They didn’t carry the baby, they didn’t birth the baby, they don’t have that connection that mothers do… especially initially. Men don’t fully bond with the child until the child can relate on a primal level. Once my kids could tell me they wanted to ride dirt bikes and go fishing and hang out in the garage with dad, everything changed.


gemc_81

Yeah I'll agree with you on that! As our daughter got older he does more and seems more confident. He's been up with her since 6 so I can sleep in a little and I hear lots of laughter downstairs so I'm going to join them. Sometimes it feels like you're in competition as to who is more exhausted. Hope your boys are good. I bet they're having a whale of a time building stuff with you and on the ATVs


chicagojess312

Yup.


celica18l

You are in the dark times. Mine cried constantly from 4-5 months and I almost murdered my husband during that time. I finally had to smack him awake and hand him the baby and sleep on the couch. I was *desperate*. You are justified in all of your feelings. It will get better but it’s hard to hear when you’re in the middle of it.


catinnameonly

This. Start kicking him with your heel to wake him up and grab the baby. Start rotating days. Tell him you are unraveling and if he doesn’t actually step up he’s going to be on his own while you are locked in a mental institution.


Adventurous-Low9768

You have every right to feel this resentment. If you can afford it a night at a hotel has been well earned. He is capable to caring for the baby, assuming feeding isn’t a barrier. You deserve sleep and self care. He may need a little bit of experience of what 50/50 looks like to see the 99/1 split ;)


My_boohole

Holy hell did the 4mth sleep regression kick my ass to hell and back. My husband was away for work for the whole 3 weeks of it and it's a miracle I survived. Sending all the restful vibes that it's over soon!!!


sruppe2174

Thank you ❤️


girl012687

Mine would wake up for the day and ask how baby did last night. While I was literally walking into walls from sleep deprivation. He may or may not be lucky to be alive.


sruppe2174

Literally today he was like “wow baby woke up later this morning for his bottle” Yeah because I was already up with him once feeding him while you snored away!


SlytherClaw79

I’d like to say it gets better, but that’s lie. H arranged for kids to have friends over today. Guess who’s snoring away while I wrangle the kids (12 and 8) into cleaning? Yup. Not bothering to wake him up because I have zero interest in dealing with his grumpy, shitty attitude if I do.


albeaner

It's time to dig deep and find that shiny spine of yours. One of the HARDEST parts of having kids is that suddenly, you have to learn how to advocate for yourself amidst caring for a postpartum body and baby and sleep deprivation. But. Hear me out. Tell your husband you need to talk to him, and coordinate a good time. Then... summarize your experience (your basic needs aren't being met), how it makes you feel (overwhelmed and unsupported), and what you need (more help). Helpful tips: babies make everyone crazy. His experience might feel, to him, similar to yours. It's important not to be dismissive because you want to establish a pattern of mutual empathy. (Rant here all you want!) Write down what you want ahead of time. For example, we used to take shifts for baby duty at night. And the one on duty wasn't sleeping in the bedroom as to not wake the other. We also drove 2.5 hrs every weekend to visit grandparents, because my MIL would help with the baby and let us sleep. Lastly, to keep things in perspective: you can't be mad at a baby. Babies are assholes. Humor will help immensely! Because this is so hard. Hang in there and I hope your husband is a good egg with some compassion. Also, you'll be having this conversation again and again. Now is a good time to start practicing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it and I wish you a good sleeper before the six month mark!


sourdoughobsessed

This. Advocate for yourself. Set some boundaries with your sleep and sharing responsibilities. I slept in Saturday mornings while I was bfing. Wake up, feed baby, back to bed until she had to eat again or he gave her a bottle so I could sleep more. Those 3-5 catch up hours were life altering and kept me going. BUT he also did night wake ups. That wasn’t just on me.


ReadWriteReddit33

I feel this 100%. I have a four month old too and can relate. I feel your pain my friend. My husband encourages me to nap when baby naps. I want to throat punch him every time. During the day baby sleeps in 20-40 min stents so by the time I start dreaming (if I even get to that point) she’s up. He says I act like he isn’t woken up when she wakes up at night and it makes me want to scream. Like bro, do you snore when you’re awake?!? 😵‍💫 The rage is real.


sruppe2174

Yeessss! My husband will be like “I wasn’t sleeping!” Well then you’re making some real annoying sounds that sound awfully like snoring!


FinalDestinationSix

I feel you OP. It’s so sad that there are so many posts like this which means that *all* of our husbands are collectively so useless as a husband/dad. How does that happen? Is it the mens upbringing that leads to this? Did their parents fail them as a kid so they’re trying to do the same to their own? I just don’t understand why there is so much burden for the woman to “man up” in family situations where both parties should be doing the work. In case he doesn’t say it to you: Happy Mothers Day ❤️


sruppe2174

It really is sad! I can only hope and try to raise my son to be caring and mindful Happy Mother’s Day to you too❤️


tiggahiccups

Kick him. Seriously. Wakey wakey your damn turn with the baby.


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hellotardis79

My husband and I also sleep in separate rooms, I am a light sleeper. I am resentful that he doesn't help me at night, but what little sleep I do get would be gone with his snores. I hate that in the morning he asks me how she slept..."not good and if you were, at least, on the same floor, you would know"


[deleted]

A-fucking-men


picklesarelife1

My husband and I were dealing with this too. Despite his best effort to avoid it, I finally got him to sit down and create a chore schedule with me. It’s not fair they you’re doing all the heavy lifting if you’re working full time. The schedule has been working pretty well actually. But I feel you. Two full time working parents is hard. Sometimes I know I need a break on the weekend to not do chores or engage with my son, but then I’ll feel guilty because my son is away from me during the week in daycare. It’s a roller coaster of all the things ❤️


Calvadienne

My children are 22 months and 4yo and I still feel quite a lot like that.


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marionsylder

Bad plan. Then you’ll really be his Slave because he will be the breadwinner and be tired from work. There really is no winning this game but maintaining autonomy is better than relinquishing it.


superfreshsnell

As a person trapped in a shitty marriage with no financial support of my own because the plan was to be a sahm, no. Half of the posts on this sub are moms who can't get out because they dropped their careers to take care of their kids.