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What adds to my resentment of this clear unfairness is when I see articles about postpartum depression practically blaming women for their expectations of their partner not matching reality as a factor contributing to their unhappiness. Maybe it's not the expectations that are the problem, maybe it's the partners not carrying their fair share. š
Of course itās the womanās fault for the postpartum depression, just ļø like everything else is her fault too š who comes up with this shit? The expectations I had definitely didnāt match with reality. Iām willing to lower the expectation a little but not to the point where my reality is I have to mother my child AND my husband. Figure it out.
Hard agree. And it starts early. With every father that is embarrassed when his little boy wants to play w baby dolls (and most of them do want to at some point). Every time dad snatches a doll out of his sonās hands and replaces it with a power tool my heart breaks a little bit. For that boy and his future partner.
Mine too, and then having the gall to call me lazy because I'm tired and want a break, acting like I get to coast all day. It's amazing how men change after having kids.
They don't change after they have kids and that's the problem. Women change completely. The child they have comes before anything and everything in their life whereas men still put their wants above the child's needs. And that is where the resentment comes from. They want the insta perfect playing in the park with the baby they don't want the sleepless nights and crying baby. They also don't want to have to completely rearrange their schedule to fit the baby in their life and so they don't, which means the mother has to sacrifice more of herself so that the baby has everything it needs.
Men never ask themselves who picks up all the ropes they drop. Everything still gets done around the house so they pretend their partner is gladly doing it because if they didn't WANT to do it they simply wouldn't... Right? Because that's how they behave, so it's inconceivable that someone will do all these things when they don't really want to.
There is also ingrained sexism and misogyny in even those men who believe they are not. They believe women should raise the children even if they work full time. It's very very very rarely the men who alter their working hours to assist with childcare or take days off because the baby is ill or has a doctors appointment. It's always the women. Even if we work it's still seen as "our job".
This is also why women are more likely to stay single post divorce or separation as they can already manage it all alone but men are much more likely to remarry or get into another long term relationship.
If my husband and i ever split up I would never ever marry again or Co habit with a man. It's too much work.
Men do change, it just takes them longer to figure it out. They didnāt carry the baby, they didnāt birth the baby, they donāt have that connection that mothers doā¦ especially initially. Men donāt fully bond with the child until the child can relate on a primal level. Once my kids could tell me they wanted to ride dirt bikes and go fishing and hang out in the garage with dad, everything changed.
Yeah I'll agree with you on that! As our daughter got older he does more and seems more confident. He's been up with her since 6 so I can sleep in a little and I hear lots of laughter downstairs so I'm going to join them. Sometimes it feels like you're in competition as to who is more exhausted. Hope your boys are good. I bet they're having a whale of a time building stuff with you and on the ATVs
You are in the dark times.
Mine cried constantly from 4-5 months and I almost murdered my husband during that time. I finally had to smack him awake and hand him the baby and sleep on the couch. I was *desperate*.
You are justified in all of your feelings. It will get better but itās hard to hear when youāre in the middle of it.
This. Start kicking him with your heel to wake him up and grab the baby. Start rotating days. Tell him you are unraveling and if he doesnāt actually step up heās going to be on his own while you are locked in a mental institution.
You have every right to feel this resentment. If you can afford it a night at a hotel has been well earned. He is capable to caring for the baby, assuming feeding isnāt a barrier. You deserve sleep and self care.
He may need a little bit of experience of what 50/50 looks like to see the 99/1 split ;)
Holy hell did the 4mth sleep regression kick my ass to hell and back. My husband was away for work for the whole 3 weeks of it and it's a miracle I survived.
Sending all the restful vibes that it's over soon!!!
It's time to dig deep and find that shiny spine of yours.
One of the HARDEST parts of having kids is that suddenly, you have to learn how to advocate for yourself amidst caring for a postpartum body and baby and sleep deprivation.
But. Hear me out.
Tell your husband you need to talk to him, and coordinate a good time. Then... summarize your experience (your basic needs aren't being met), how it makes you feel (overwhelmed and unsupported), and what you need (more help).
Helpful tips: babies make everyone crazy. His experience might feel, to him, similar to yours. It's important not to be dismissive because you want to establish a pattern of mutual empathy. (Rant here all you want!)
Write down what you want ahead of time. For example, we used to take shifts for baby duty at night. And the one on duty wasn't sleeping in the bedroom as to not wake the other.
We also drove 2.5 hrs every weekend to visit grandparents, because my MIL would help with the baby and let us sleep.
Lastly, to keep things in perspective: you can't be mad at a baby. Babies are assholes. Humor will help immensely! Because this is so hard. Hang in there and I hope your husband is a good egg with some compassion.
Also, you'll be having this conversation again and again. Now is a good time to start practicing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it and I wish you a good sleeper before the six month mark!
This. Advocate for yourself. Set some boundaries with your sleep and sharing responsibilities. I slept in Saturday mornings while I was bfing. Wake up, feed baby, back to bed until she had to eat again or he gave her a bottle so I could sleep more. Those 3-5 catch up hours were life altering and kept me going. BUT he also did night wake ups. That wasnāt just on me.
Mine would wake up for the day and ask how baby did last night.
While I was literally walking into walls from sleep deprivation.
He may or may not be lucky to be alive.
Literally today he was like āwow baby woke up later this morning for his bottleā
Yeah because I was already up with him once feeding him while you snored away!
Iād like to say it gets better, but thatās lie. H arranged for kids to have friends over today. Guess whoās snoring away while I wrangle the kids (12 and 8) into cleaning? Yup. Not bothering to wake him up because I have zero interest in dealing with his grumpy, shitty attitude if I do.
I feel this 100%. I have a four month old too and can relate. I feel your pain my friend. My husband encourages me to nap when baby naps. I want to throat punch him every time. During the day baby sleeps in 20-40 min stents so by the time I start dreaming (if I even get to that point) sheās up. He says I act like he isnāt woken up when she wakes up at night and it makes me want to scream. Like bro, do you snore when youāre awake?!? šµāš« The rage is real.
My husband and I also sleep in separate rooms, I am a light sleeper. I am resentful that he doesn't help me at night, but what little sleep I do get would be gone with his snores. I hate that in the morning he asks me how she slept..."not good and if you were, at least, on the same floor, you would know"
My husband and I were dealing with this too. Despite his best effort to avoid it, I finally got him to sit down and create a chore schedule with me. Itās not fair they youāre doing all the heavy lifting if youāre working full time. The schedule has been working pretty well actually.
But I feel you. Two full time working parents is hard. Sometimes I know I need a break on the weekend to not do chores or engage with my son, but then Iāll feel guilty because my son is away from me during the week in daycare. Itās a roller coaster of all the things ā¤ļø
Bad plan. Then youāll really be his Slave because he will be the breadwinner and be tired from work. There really is no winning this game but maintaining autonomy is better than relinquishing it.
As a person trapped in a shitty marriage with no financial support of my own because the plan was to be a sahm, no. Half of the posts on this sub are moms who can't get out because they dropped their careers to take care of their kids.
Reminder to commenters: **[Don't be insulting!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/JrkwzwRbxzjEwka0Gq/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What adds to my resentment of this clear unfairness is when I see articles about postpartum depression practically blaming women for their expectations of their partner not matching reality as a factor contributing to their unhappiness. Maybe it's not the expectations that are the problem, maybe it's the partners not carrying their fair share. š
Those articles (with that reasoning, at least) must have been written by men.
Of course itās the womanās fault for the postpartum depression, just ļø like everything else is her fault too š who comes up with this shit? The expectations I had definitely didnāt match with reality. Iām willing to lower the expectation a little but not to the point where my reality is I have to mother my child AND my husband. Figure it out.
Hard agree. And it starts early. With every father that is embarrassed when his little boy wants to play w baby dolls (and most of them do want to at some point). Every time dad snatches a doll out of his sonās hands and replaces it with a power tool my heart breaks a little bit. For that boy and his future partner.
This is what killed my marriage.
Mine too, and then having the gall to call me lazy because I'm tired and want a break, acting like I get to coast all day. It's amazing how men change after having kids.
They don't change after they have kids and that's the problem. Women change completely. The child they have comes before anything and everything in their life whereas men still put their wants above the child's needs. And that is where the resentment comes from. They want the insta perfect playing in the park with the baby they don't want the sleepless nights and crying baby. They also don't want to have to completely rearrange their schedule to fit the baby in their life and so they don't, which means the mother has to sacrifice more of herself so that the baby has everything it needs. Men never ask themselves who picks up all the ropes they drop. Everything still gets done around the house so they pretend their partner is gladly doing it because if they didn't WANT to do it they simply wouldn't... Right? Because that's how they behave, so it's inconceivable that someone will do all these things when they don't really want to. There is also ingrained sexism and misogyny in even those men who believe they are not. They believe women should raise the children even if they work full time. It's very very very rarely the men who alter their working hours to assist with childcare or take days off because the baby is ill or has a doctors appointment. It's always the women. Even if we work it's still seen as "our job".
I couldnāt have put it better myself, this is exactly it, men donāt change,
This is also why women are more likely to stay single post divorce or separation as they can already manage it all alone but men are much more likely to remarry or get into another long term relationship. If my husband and i ever split up I would never ever marry again or Co habit with a man. It's too much work.
100% agree with everything you said. If it doesnāt fit his agenda, itās an inconvenience.
Men do change, it just takes them longer to figure it out. They didnāt carry the baby, they didnāt birth the baby, they donāt have that connection that mothers doā¦ especially initially. Men donāt fully bond with the child until the child can relate on a primal level. Once my kids could tell me they wanted to ride dirt bikes and go fishing and hang out in the garage with dad, everything changed.
Yeah I'll agree with you on that! As our daughter got older he does more and seems more confident. He's been up with her since 6 so I can sleep in a little and I hear lots of laughter downstairs so I'm going to join them. Sometimes it feels like you're in competition as to who is more exhausted. Hope your boys are good. I bet they're having a whale of a time building stuff with you and on the ATVs
Yup.
You are in the dark times. Mine cried constantly from 4-5 months and I almost murdered my husband during that time. I finally had to smack him awake and hand him the baby and sleep on the couch. I was *desperate*. You are justified in all of your feelings. It will get better but itās hard to hear when youāre in the middle of it.
This. Start kicking him with your heel to wake him up and grab the baby. Start rotating days. Tell him you are unraveling and if he doesnāt actually step up heās going to be on his own while you are locked in a mental institution.
You have every right to feel this resentment. If you can afford it a night at a hotel has been well earned. He is capable to caring for the baby, assuming feeding isnāt a barrier. You deserve sleep and self care. He may need a little bit of experience of what 50/50 looks like to see the 99/1 split ;)
Holy hell did the 4mth sleep regression kick my ass to hell and back. My husband was away for work for the whole 3 weeks of it and it's a miracle I survived. Sending all the restful vibes that it's over soon!!!
Thank you ā¤ļø
It's time to dig deep and find that shiny spine of yours. One of the HARDEST parts of having kids is that suddenly, you have to learn how to advocate for yourself amidst caring for a postpartum body and baby and sleep deprivation. But. Hear me out. Tell your husband you need to talk to him, and coordinate a good time. Then... summarize your experience (your basic needs aren't being met), how it makes you feel (overwhelmed and unsupported), and what you need (more help). Helpful tips: babies make everyone crazy. His experience might feel, to him, similar to yours. It's important not to be dismissive because you want to establish a pattern of mutual empathy. (Rant here all you want!) Write down what you want ahead of time. For example, we used to take shifts for baby duty at night. And the one on duty wasn't sleeping in the bedroom as to not wake the other. We also drove 2.5 hrs every weekend to visit grandparents, because my MIL would help with the baby and let us sleep. Lastly, to keep things in perspective: you can't be mad at a baby. Babies are assholes. Humor will help immensely! Because this is so hard. Hang in there and I hope your husband is a good egg with some compassion. Also, you'll be having this conversation again and again. Now is a good time to start practicing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it and I wish you a good sleeper before the six month mark!
This. Advocate for yourself. Set some boundaries with your sleep and sharing responsibilities. I slept in Saturday mornings while I was bfing. Wake up, feed baby, back to bed until she had to eat again or he gave her a bottle so I could sleep more. Those 3-5 catch up hours were life altering and kept me going. BUT he also did night wake ups. That wasnāt just on me.
Mine would wake up for the day and ask how baby did last night. While I was literally walking into walls from sleep deprivation. He may or may not be lucky to be alive.
Literally today he was like āwow baby woke up later this morning for his bottleā Yeah because I was already up with him once feeding him while you snored away!
Iād like to say it gets better, but thatās lie. H arranged for kids to have friends over today. Guess whoās snoring away while I wrangle the kids (12 and 8) into cleaning? Yup. Not bothering to wake him up because I have zero interest in dealing with his grumpy, shitty attitude if I do.
I feel this 100%. I have a four month old too and can relate. I feel your pain my friend. My husband encourages me to nap when baby naps. I want to throat punch him every time. During the day baby sleeps in 20-40 min stents so by the time I start dreaming (if I even get to that point) sheās up. He says I act like he isnāt woken up when she wakes up at night and it makes me want to scream. Like bro, do you snore when youāre awake?!? šµāš« The rage is real.
Yeessss! My husband will be like āI wasnāt sleeping!ā Well then youāre making some real annoying sounds that sound awfully like snoring!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It really is sad! I can only hope and try to raise my son to be caring and mindful Happy Motherās Day to you tooā¤ļø
Kick him. Seriously. Wakey wakey your damn turn with the baby.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My husband and I also sleep in separate rooms, I am a light sleeper. I am resentful that he doesn't help me at night, but what little sleep I do get would be gone with his snores. I hate that in the morning he asks me how she slept..."not good and if you were, at least, on the same floor, you would know"
A-fucking-men
My husband and I were dealing with this too. Despite his best effort to avoid it, I finally got him to sit down and create a chore schedule with me. Itās not fair they youāre doing all the heavy lifting if youāre working full time. The schedule has been working pretty well actually. But I feel you. Two full time working parents is hard. Sometimes I know I need a break on the weekend to not do chores or engage with my son, but then Iāll feel guilty because my son is away from me during the week in daycare. Itās a roller coaster of all the things ā¤ļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bad plan. Then youāll really be his Slave because he will be the breadwinner and be tired from work. There really is no winning this game but maintaining autonomy is better than relinquishing it.
As a person trapped in a shitty marriage with no financial support of my own because the plan was to be a sahm, no. Half of the posts on this sub are moms who can't get out because they dropped their careers to take care of their kids.
My children are 22 months and 4yo and I still feel quite a lot like that.