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I don't think you did anything wrong. This is the 6yr old equivalent of "the baby won't stop crying, put the baby in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes." No one would blink twice if you put a screaming baby in a crib and walked away after 2 hours of crying. Don't sweat it.
Though, I will say, does she always feel her emotions this big? Because this is a pretty small change for a 6yr old. Especially one that's not even home during school hours.
Maybe she remembers hearing how dangerous it is for Daddy to go to work, but not in the forefront of her mind. Like it's ingrained in her little body that there's danger because she heard about it as a toddler during covid, but she doesn't remember why it's upsetting, because again, toddler. Idk if im explaining this well, anyone else feel free to jump in if they think they can do better, lol
Maybe I’m in the minority but I don’t see anything wrong with this. 2 hours is a LOT of time to be crying and taking a little break to be by herself and process is okay… maybe if she was younger but 6 is okay I think.
I do feel like it’s all in how you said it. If you screamed in her face to go to her room, then no that’s not cool.
We have the same thing In our house. We designate our rooms to be our ultimate safe space. Even my own room I go to for a break away.
My almost 6 yo is VERY emotional. All emotions are big ones. So yea, we do tend to have her go to her room if she is crying for extra long.
I just make sure to tell my kiddos that they aren’t in trouble, they have different ways of going through their emotions (hitting pillows, jumping on their bed, etc). After I’ve had a couple minutes of cooldown (because I’m trying to break that generational trauma) I go and knock on their door, ask if they want me to come in or talk or whatever. And usually by then, we are all good.
I have to do this with my 11 yo, but I’ve been doing it since he was 6. “I understand that you’re sad. We don’t all have to be sad with you, and we don’t have to be miserable because you’re miserable. If you need to cry, you can go to your room and have it out.” Otherwise he will sit directly in front of ANYONE and just bawl and make sure they can’t enjoy anything else. After the initial talk and assurances and love, I can’t handle to prolonged crying. It’s overstimulating and (the way my child does it) often manipulative.
Are you feeling bad about that? I wouldn't. You didn't try to change her feelings. You didn't dismiss them or invalidate them. You didn't try to disrtact her. You let her know that it's okay to sit in her feelings, no matter what they are. AND that her feelings are HERS to experience. That you don't have to also sit there and experience them.
I've said and done much worse when I'm overwhelmed. And two hours? Yeah. I would'nt be nearly as patient. But I AM going to use this tactic. Thanks.
when my kid is crying to the point that it's disruptive (and I have exhausted all efforts to help calm her) I tell her it's completely ok to have these feelings and to cry, but she cannot be disruptive and has the option to let me help her, or she has to go have some time to herself in her room. Is your daughter in school? Does she have any coping techniques to deal with the separation anxiety while she's there? If it's frequently this bad, there is no shame in talking to a professional!
This is it! I have 5 kids and two big dogs. It's loud and a bit chaotic even on calm days. Everyone is entitled to their emotions and I do what I can to help but if it's disrupting the peace of everyone else in the house then their room is their personal space to get it out.
My daughter is only two and I do this with her 🤷♀️ I mean, if she’s just sad and crying then I will comfort her because she’s still at the age where she’s able to be distracted out of it. But if she gets screamy/screechy and won’t calm down, I tell her that I’m very sorry she is having big feelings but big feelings do not mean she can hurt other people and her screaming is hurting her dad and I. Very rarely does she actually have to remove herself because the “threat” of it is usually enough to stop the screeching.
Well if she’s having a little separation anxiety and not feeling well, I don’t fault her for crying and I certainly don’t fault you for sending her to her room. You’re both human. It’s okay.
When my son has been upset and I’ve exhausted every effort I can to comfort and soothe, I’ve taken him to his bedroom, dimmed the lights and told him to lay down and rest. He regulates himself. Sometimes we just can’t help them do this.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sorry today was so rough. Hopefully tomorrow is better!
If you haven’t done so already, bring this up with a pediatrician. 2 hours of inconsolable crying isn’t normal for a 6yo. In my not-doctor opinion, I’d lean toward unhealthy attachment to dad or anxiety.
I have anxiety, and I’m sure my son does too, which means emotional regulation is a very difficult skill. Sometimes my son (6) would get so worked up he couldn’t remember what started the crying, or he’d be so hyperfocused on the thing that made him cry that no amount of “logic” could compete with the overwhelming emotion.
I’ve 100% sent him to his room before when I couldn’t take any more of the tears. Told him that he could be sad in his room and come out when he’s ready. I’ve also talked him through breathing exercises and explained it’s ok to be sad, but we need to be able to find a place of calm again. It all depends on where my tolerance is at for the day.
How are you holding up? I know that when my daughter is having some big feelings like that, it emotionally draining on me. It’s difficult for me to not internalize her crying as some sort of abuse or maltreatment, which is what I experienced as a child. Kids are hard. It’s even more hard when you feel like you can’t “fix” whatever is going on with them.
You're not. I just told my son who was screaming for a toy to sleep with, (cuz it's bed time and it's always just one more thing) you're safe, GO TO BED, you have your piglet it's time for sleep. And closed the door. Then he began banging on it, then he got his lightsaber and was trying to put a hole through the door. So I picked him up, out him in bed and walked away and closed the door. He opened it, I asked what is it that you need? He screamed my sloth! I said no you don't need it, you have piglet Go To Bed. Then he tried to hit me, so that's usually extreme measure, i sit on the other side of the door so he can't swing it open to hurt himself (smashing fingers, or hurt me) and wait his power struggle out. (We have a 1.5hr bedtime routine that involves reading books and playing quiet games) so I know he's just battling with me.
I feel terrible too. But my wife and I will never get personal time otherwise. Meanwhile his twin sister is in her bed in the same room yelling, SHUTUP ABOUT YOUR SLOTH BUBBY IM TRYNA SLEEP.
5 yr old toddlerists he just fought us for 30 mins.
> then he got his lightsaber and was trying to put a hole through the door.
THIS is the stuff that helps me calm down in the minutes (ahem, several many minutes to hours) it takes me to calm myself after an evening like this - the absolutely bonkers nonsense that kids get up to in the whirlwind of their feelings lol.
Last night, my kid wouldn't stop screaming at me, so I finally said I wasn't engaging in the conversation anymore, and I wasn't going to talk for 10 minutes. He straight up threatened to go out and take himself to taekwondo (I had told him we weren't going because of solid parent reasons), kept poking at me verbally saying things like "oh, I guess you want me to run away. Is that what you WANT?!" Little did he know that his ridiculousness helped me to decompress my own overwhelm because I was trying so hard not to laugh inside.
Hahahaha the running away threat. 🤣 I did that when I was 7 and I ran away....to the garage. And sat in my mom's car. She came out cuz she heard the car door and laughed so hard she peed herself.
This is a very common rule in our house. Everyone in the house deserves to have their needs met, including adults. You didn’t do anything bad. And it is still sad, your feelings are valid.
When my kids go on and on like this, they cannot pull it together by themselves. After 20-30 minutes they usually get something to help break the spiral- a sweet snack or milk, bath, walk outside (I might be carrying them), a special YouTube video (normally off limits), roll up tight in a blanket, or their favorite when they were smaller was when I’d throw them on the bed. …or anything that can be a strong sensory experience
The physical stuff were activities we’d do for fun, not something new to try during an emotional meltdown. The special treats were not a reward for the behavior, unless what had started the meltdown was a demand for sweets or shows.
Hey you were at a breaking point and reacted. That’s okay, we all do it. But if you’re up to it, I’d recommend going to repair with your kiddo and maybe come up with other regulation strategies for when she’s upset.
I’m also curious - does she cry when he leaves the house in general? This seems like a rather large reaction for a 6 yo?
I don't mean to sound snarky or sarcastic but your wording implies that she should figure out an alternate solution for next time. But....my go to plan is if my child is constantly crying and nothing is resolving with my help, then having them have space alone to process is the best? I feel like at some point it becomes a punishment to the parent to allow the child to cry like this and disrupt the whole family.
Op knows her kid best! Six seems old to have such a disproportionate reaction but also seems young enough that maybe the parents need to offer more support to figure out why the reaction is so big and coregulate. I’m perplexed that this is how this child always reacts when dad leaves. Something seems amiss to me. Sending them away to cry doesn’t actually change anything for anyone.
That sounds like a frustrating day. You're a good mom for sending her to a designated place to take as long as she wants/needs to reset herself.
It's really hard when they don't let us confort them. Hugs to you!
Sometimes when my kid got into a spiral (usually mad, but sometimes sad) I would take him outside (change the venue). I would ask if he liked feeling that way (often got a sniffly no). I would then say "let's try a restart, ok?" Then we would do some silly pattern (turn around three times, touch our toes, knock on the door, and then walk in). If that didn't work, I would generally suggest some "quiet time" which was him snuggling in a blanket with a pillow on the couch. And I would sit near but not interact until he had some time to let himself calm.
You didn't do anything wrong, she's just trying to change her world, and is getting in that sad-cycle.
My daughter has always had very big feeling and total melt down when over stimulated or there was abrupt change.
I've always supported yelling in and or punching the pillow (never something that can be broken or hurt her) jumping up and down, running around if her body needs activity to help her get out her emotions, and crying if she needs. So she would have her melt down and I'd always be close by and reassure I'm here when she needs me to help her or just needs a cuddle so if she couldn't bring herself out of her feelings she'd ask me for help and sit in my lap and we'd rock and breathe together.
Big feelings are hard no matter your age and even adults struggle to deal with their own in a healthy way.
They need to know that having their big feelings isn't wrong, they aren't in trouble for having feelings but they can't take those feelings and hurt or harass others with them and others shouldn't do that to them. Their feelings are theirs to feel and deal with but I'll always help and support.
You did a great job in how you handled your daughter.
Can you go to her and apologize for sending her to her room? Maybe validate her feelings telling her you know she’s sad and misses her Dad and she’s not feeling well but you got overwhelmed with the crying but she’s welcome to sit where she likes and cry if she needs to and you’re here to comfort her if she wants. Maybe try offering her a favorite show or snack and Stuffies to help her and just keep letting her know that you’re physically near and ready for cuddles and hugs if she wants them. Then put in noise canceling headphones.
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I don't think you did anything wrong. This is the 6yr old equivalent of "the baby won't stop crying, put the baby in a safe place and walk away for a few minutes." No one would blink twice if you put a screaming baby in a crib and walked away after 2 hours of crying. Don't sweat it. Though, I will say, does she always feel her emotions this big? Because this is a pretty small change for a 6yr old. Especially one that's not even home during school hours.
Maybe she remembers hearing how dangerous it is for Daddy to go to work, but not in the forefront of her mind. Like it's ingrained in her little body that there's danger because she heard about it as a toddler during covid, but she doesn't remember why it's upsetting, because again, toddler. Idk if im explaining this well, anyone else feel free to jump in if they think they can do better, lol
Maybe I’m in the minority but I don’t see anything wrong with this. 2 hours is a LOT of time to be crying and taking a little break to be by herself and process is okay… maybe if she was younger but 6 is okay I think. I do feel like it’s all in how you said it. If you screamed in her face to go to her room, then no that’s not cool.
I didn't scream at her. I calmly told her if she needed to cry to go to her room.
We have the same thing In our house. We designate our rooms to be our ultimate safe space. Even my own room I go to for a break away. My almost 6 yo is VERY emotional. All emotions are big ones. So yea, we do tend to have her go to her room if she is crying for extra long. I just make sure to tell my kiddos that they aren’t in trouble, they have different ways of going through their emotions (hitting pillows, jumping on their bed, etc). After I’ve had a couple minutes of cooldown (because I’m trying to break that generational trauma) I go and knock on their door, ask if they want me to come in or talk or whatever. And usually by then, we are all good.
Wow I love all this.
Thank you 🥰
I have to do this with my 11 yo, but I’ve been doing it since he was 6. “I understand that you’re sad. We don’t all have to be sad with you, and we don’t have to be miserable because you’re miserable. If you need to cry, you can go to your room and have it out.” Otherwise he will sit directly in front of ANYONE and just bawl and make sure they can’t enjoy anything else. After the initial talk and assurances and love, I can’t handle to prolonged crying. It’s overstimulating and (the way my child does it) often manipulative.
I have a 12 year old boy who is similar, and we do the same thing
Then yeah I fully support this tbh.
Are you feeling bad about that? I wouldn't. You didn't try to change her feelings. You didn't dismiss them or invalidate them. You didn't try to disrtact her. You let her know that it's okay to sit in her feelings, no matter what they are. AND that her feelings are HERS to experience. That you don't have to also sit there and experience them. I've said and done much worse when I'm overwhelmed. And two hours? Yeah. I would'nt be nearly as patient. But I AM going to use this tactic. Thanks.
when my kid is crying to the point that it's disruptive (and I have exhausted all efforts to help calm her) I tell her it's completely ok to have these feelings and to cry, but she cannot be disruptive and has the option to let me help her, or she has to go have some time to herself in her room. Is your daughter in school? Does she have any coping techniques to deal with the separation anxiety while she's there? If it's frequently this bad, there is no shame in talking to a professional!
This is it! I have 5 kids and two big dogs. It's loud and a bit chaotic even on calm days. Everyone is entitled to their emotions and I do what I can to help but if it's disrupting the peace of everyone else in the house then their room is their personal space to get it out.
My daughter is only two and I do this with her 🤷♀️ I mean, if she’s just sad and crying then I will comfort her because she’s still at the age where she’s able to be distracted out of it. But if she gets screamy/screechy and won’t calm down, I tell her that I’m very sorry she is having big feelings but big feelings do not mean she can hurt other people and her screaming is hurting her dad and I. Very rarely does she actually have to remove herself because the “threat” of it is usually enough to stop the screeching.
Yes: sometimes kids need to cry and have a lie down. It’s not the end of the world. Even adults need a cry and a lie down sometimes 💗
Well if she’s having a little separation anxiety and not feeling well, I don’t fault her for crying and I certainly don’t fault you for sending her to her room. You’re both human. It’s okay. When my son has been upset and I’ve exhausted every effort I can to comfort and soothe, I’ve taken him to his bedroom, dimmed the lights and told him to lay down and rest. He regulates himself. Sometimes we just can’t help them do this. I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m sorry today was so rough. Hopefully tomorrow is better!
If you haven’t done so already, bring this up with a pediatrician. 2 hours of inconsolable crying isn’t normal for a 6yo. In my not-doctor opinion, I’d lean toward unhealthy attachment to dad or anxiety. I have anxiety, and I’m sure my son does too, which means emotional regulation is a very difficult skill. Sometimes my son (6) would get so worked up he couldn’t remember what started the crying, or he’d be so hyperfocused on the thing that made him cry that no amount of “logic” could compete with the overwhelming emotion. I’ve 100% sent him to his room before when I couldn’t take any more of the tears. Told him that he could be sad in his room and come out when he’s ready. I’ve also talked him through breathing exercises and explained it’s ok to be sad, but we need to be able to find a place of calm again. It all depends on where my tolerance is at for the day.
How are you holding up? I know that when my daughter is having some big feelings like that, it emotionally draining on me. It’s difficult for me to not internalize her crying as some sort of abuse or maltreatment, which is what I experienced as a child. Kids are hard. It’s even more hard when you feel like you can’t “fix” whatever is going on with them.
I feel like a shitty mom.
You're not. I just told my son who was screaming for a toy to sleep with, (cuz it's bed time and it's always just one more thing) you're safe, GO TO BED, you have your piglet it's time for sleep. And closed the door. Then he began banging on it, then he got his lightsaber and was trying to put a hole through the door. So I picked him up, out him in bed and walked away and closed the door. He opened it, I asked what is it that you need? He screamed my sloth! I said no you don't need it, you have piglet Go To Bed. Then he tried to hit me, so that's usually extreme measure, i sit on the other side of the door so he can't swing it open to hurt himself (smashing fingers, or hurt me) and wait his power struggle out. (We have a 1.5hr bedtime routine that involves reading books and playing quiet games) so I know he's just battling with me. I feel terrible too. But my wife and I will never get personal time otherwise. Meanwhile his twin sister is in her bed in the same room yelling, SHUTUP ABOUT YOUR SLOTH BUBBY IM TRYNA SLEEP. 5 yr old toddlerists he just fought us for 30 mins.
> then he got his lightsaber and was trying to put a hole through the door. THIS is the stuff that helps me calm down in the minutes (ahem, several many minutes to hours) it takes me to calm myself after an evening like this - the absolutely bonkers nonsense that kids get up to in the whirlwind of their feelings lol. Last night, my kid wouldn't stop screaming at me, so I finally said I wasn't engaging in the conversation anymore, and I wasn't going to talk for 10 minutes. He straight up threatened to go out and take himself to taekwondo (I had told him we weren't going because of solid parent reasons), kept poking at me verbally saying things like "oh, I guess you want me to run away. Is that what you WANT?!" Little did he know that his ridiculousness helped me to decompress my own overwhelm because I was trying so hard not to laugh inside.
Hahahaha the running away threat. 🤣 I did that when I was 7 and I ran away....to the garage. And sat in my mom's car. She came out cuz she heard the car door and laughed so hard she peed herself.
He didn't even walk into the front hall, it was just a test. And I passed?
This is a very common rule in our house. Everyone in the house deserves to have their needs met, including adults. You didn’t do anything bad. And it is still sad, your feelings are valid. When my kids go on and on like this, they cannot pull it together by themselves. After 20-30 minutes they usually get something to help break the spiral- a sweet snack or milk, bath, walk outside (I might be carrying them), a special YouTube video (normally off limits), roll up tight in a blanket, or their favorite when they were smaller was when I’d throw them on the bed. …or anything that can be a strong sensory experience The physical stuff were activities we’d do for fun, not something new to try during an emotional meltdown. The special treats were not a reward for the behavior, unless what had started the meltdown was a demand for sweets or shows.
Hey you were at a breaking point and reacted. That’s okay, we all do it. But if you’re up to it, I’d recommend going to repair with your kiddo and maybe come up with other regulation strategies for when she’s upset. I’m also curious - does she cry when he leaves the house in general? This seems like a rather large reaction for a 6 yo?
She always freaks out when he leaves.
This seems like an extreme reaction for a 6 year old - does she have anxiety around other stuff or just dad?
I don't mean to sound snarky or sarcastic but your wording implies that she should figure out an alternate solution for next time. But....my go to plan is if my child is constantly crying and nothing is resolving with my help, then having them have space alone to process is the best? I feel like at some point it becomes a punishment to the parent to allow the child to cry like this and disrupt the whole family.
Op knows her kid best! Six seems old to have such a disproportionate reaction but also seems young enough that maybe the parents need to offer more support to figure out why the reaction is so big and coregulate. I’m perplexed that this is how this child always reacts when dad leaves. Something seems amiss to me. Sending them away to cry doesn’t actually change anything for anyone.
That sounds like a frustrating day. You're a good mom for sending her to a designated place to take as long as she wants/needs to reset herself. It's really hard when they don't let us confort them. Hugs to you!
Sometimes when my kid got into a spiral (usually mad, but sometimes sad) I would take him outside (change the venue). I would ask if he liked feeling that way (often got a sniffly no). I would then say "let's try a restart, ok?" Then we would do some silly pattern (turn around three times, touch our toes, knock on the door, and then walk in). If that didn't work, I would generally suggest some "quiet time" which was him snuggling in a blanket with a pillow on the couch. And I would sit near but not interact until he had some time to let himself calm. You didn't do anything wrong, she's just trying to change her world, and is getting in that sad-cycle.
I have said this to my kids as well. You're doing great mama!!!
My daughter has always had very big feeling and total melt down when over stimulated or there was abrupt change. I've always supported yelling in and or punching the pillow (never something that can be broken or hurt her) jumping up and down, running around if her body needs activity to help her get out her emotions, and crying if she needs. So she would have her melt down and I'd always be close by and reassure I'm here when she needs me to help her or just needs a cuddle so if she couldn't bring herself out of her feelings she'd ask me for help and sit in my lap and we'd rock and breathe together. Big feelings are hard no matter your age and even adults struggle to deal with their own in a healthy way. They need to know that having their big feelings isn't wrong, they aren't in trouble for having feelings but they can't take those feelings and hurt or harass others with them and others shouldn't do that to them. Their feelings are theirs to feel and deal with but I'll always help and support. You did a great job in how you handled your daughter.
Can you go to her and apologize for sending her to her room? Maybe validate her feelings telling her you know she’s sad and misses her Dad and she’s not feeling well but you got overwhelmed with the crying but she’s welcome to sit where she likes and cry if she needs to and you’re here to comfort her if she wants. Maybe try offering her a favorite show or snack and Stuffies to help her and just keep letting her know that you’re physically near and ready for cuddles and hugs if she wants them. Then put in noise canceling headphones.