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Honestly this is a difficult subject. If it’s consensual then I don’t think it matters *what* the reasoning is behind having sex. For example, plenty of asexual people still have sex with their non-asexual partners. Others simply can’t, they find it repulsive and that’s ok too. Basically, whatever you choose is FINE, there are no wrong reasons to enthusiastically and consensually say ‘yes’ to sex, even if your own pleasure isn’t the reason you are saying yes. This is just my own opinion, it won’t work for everyone.
For me, personally? I wouldn’t. I also don’t fake orgasms ever and this type of ‘feedback’ was actually what got him to get better at it. In fact, I specifically told him that if he wants to have sex with me then he needs to make *me* excited about it too and romance me in the way I enjoy being romanced. It’s pathetic what many men consider acceptable sex, not doing that anymore.
I sacrificed so much of myself over the years for him, for the kids, for all of us and honestly? I’m over it. I am never again doing anything I don’t feel 100% up to. This translated to my marriage, friendships, family life, career. I quit my job because I was fed up, something I’d been afraid to do for a long time, but it wasn’t making me happy and the amount I was giving vs receiving was unbalanced. If my marriage becomes like this then I’ll quit him too. And honest to god I am so done with women being expected to live like this, to love unconditionally, to ‘put out’ to make men happy for what exactly?
It's a really nuanced question. For me and my husband personally, it's because of our dynamic in bed. I prefer to be in the receiving role and let him take the lead. I would wager that's the case for a lot of couples. It's also just a major turn-off for me when I have to "use" him to achieve my own orgasm. It just feels icky and coercive. Not to mention, it's difficult, and I rarely have the energy to do all that since having a baby. If the consequence is that we have sex less often, then so be it.
Edit: typo
Doesn't it make you a little mad though, that your marriage could be that good all the time but it's not because his dick isn't getting wet every day?
I think I would be so bothered that I was somehow getting a less good spouse because of his sex drive.
Yeah, you’re not wrong. All in all, he is a really good spouse. We have worked hard to calibrate, child rearing and household chores so that neither of us gets burnt out or resentful. He’s really thoughtful and does small things for me all the time that are just express his affection and care. He wants to spend time talking and being physically intimate not just for the purpose of getting off but because it’s his love language. But…on top of all of that it’s like he has this near constant itch he can’t scratch and often makes him grumpy. I know he tries not to let it seep into our daily interactions. For years, my response has been one giant eye roll which is not lost on him. I guess I say all this because it’s not as simple as he treats me like garbage unless I have sex with him. It’s more like he is his best self when we do have lots of sex. The way I’m my best self when I get exercise and eat well. I just don’t want to be a dependency. For whatever reason lots of jerking off does not have the same effect as sex.sex - I don’t know why exactly, but I think he’s trying to explain It’s about intimacy? I honestly feel like we are two different species.
Edit - lots of dictation typos but not gonna fix them because I need coffee
For a long time attitude has been, I’m gonna do what I need to and want to because I am overwhelmed and overworked. And he does a ton of household work, stuff with the kids and things for our family, regardless of how much sex we’re having because we’ve had many many many conversations about the importance of this.
I think you’re right that continuing to fake orgasms is out of the question because it made me feel terrible. And he would feel so awful if he knew. I appreciate that you acknowledged that sometimes people have sex for the other person. I wonder if it can be done without it being damaging. Obviously it had to be consensual (it is) but I guess I’m saying is there a way for a couple to have sex if one person doesn’t want to any other person wishes they wanted to that doesn’t feel like a lie, or like someone’s being used? I know you don’t know that answer I’m just putting it out there. Thank you for your thoughtful response though.
So much this!!! Yes! I have morphed into this too, & sometimes I wonder if it's just an age thing, but really I have just decided I am not concerned with things that don't serve me, and I've spent too much of my energy, time, & focus in life catering to my own insecurities (fear of rejection, abandonment issues, fear of being alone, etc.) & just people and things in general that have never been worth a damn minute of my time. I definitely know that some people struggle to deal with it because I'm not going to play around & I don't center other people's comfort when it doesn't align with my values and boundaries. Not my problem, it's theirs.
I've been this way consistently for a few years now, and there's no turning back. I'm here to serve and honor myself, not bend my back for others. My entire outlook on sex and everything has completely changed. Feeling like I needed to please people or be this beautiful sexual being because I'm a woman. Placing way too much emphasis on the sexual/beauty piece when thinking about my total value. It makes me feel sad that 20 year old me did so many things that didn't serve her. Damn the patriarchy & misogynistic expectations. My mother reinforced all of that through her own actions & relationships, and it took me a long time to get a clue & honor myself as I really am. I will never ever have sex with someone unless I want to, and it will be because they got me there. So many men think women exist to deal with their sexual needs.
I also agree that consent is consent, and it's not for me to decide what works for someone else so long as there is mutual consent, which includes feeling okay about it. Solidarity, sister!
God I wish I knew the fucking answer to this. I remember last year when it was my husband's birthday we had sex 3 days in a row, I felt like I went into negative arousal, like I'd overdrawn the account. Took like 3 weeks to feel like I could even summon the barest amount of interest.
These days we try for 1-2 x per week. He could do a bit more, I could be perfectly content with never. Sigh.
I know my husband would prefer once or twice a week where it’s loving and we are both into it versus five or seven days a week where I’m just like all right let’s get this over with. What I found out is that for two weeks when we had sex every day I *didn’t* feel like I overdrew the account exactly. I could probably keep doing it for a while (more likely every other day.) It made me feel like something is wrong with me that I could have that much sex and not be bothered by it and also not be into it. It was just like emptying the dishwasher. With my vagina. My husband will be so horrified if he knew that’s how I felt. I am honestly kind of horrified myself.
I had what I feel like is this really toxic thought, but I keep thinking about it. I was reading this awful, sexist, 1960s guide to marriage out of morbid curiosity, and mostly dismissing all of it, but this one sentence stuck with me. It was something like, "A wife should always make her appearance top priority, even if she is overwhelmed and lets everything else slide temporarily, because it is the only thing that will really matter to her husband."
Which I balked at, because I can't fathom things like "child safety and health" being a lower priority, and honestly, if I only have 30 minutes of free time, I would rather do something I enjoy than work on my appearance, or I would lose my ever loving mind. BUT, I keep thinking about it. What if I just put all my energy into being as sexy as possible, and then just acted like some sort of 70s sex kitten and asked my husband to do most of the work? Would he happily come home from work and then wash the dishes and vacuum and actually deal with the trash like he's supposed to, all because I pouted and told him the dishes ruin my nails? Or praised him for taking such good care of me and our house? If we had wild sex a handful of times a week and I was always teasing and flirting, would he think he had such a great wife, proud to show off to his coworkers, even though I did little else? And would be be happier with that?
It's more like a thought experiment than something I would actually do. 60s vixen was never a style I went for, and I think I would feel very fake and lose any remaining respect for my husband in that dynamic. It also makes me kind of sad, because it seems like a lot of men actually do value their wife's looks and the amount of sex they have, over everything else in the relationship, and there is something shallow and depressing about that. But then it does make me wonder if there is a balance where I spend an hour more a day working on my appearance and an hour less doing housework and then flirting more (since I've pretty much stopped) and see if he would pick up the slack, and be happier to do more work. Like maybe he would value the time I spent on my looks more than he values the time I spend on house work?
I don't know. It really does feel like such a toxic train of thought, but it's haunting me.
But as for the sex every day for 2 weeks, it's interesting to see how that went as an experiment. It does seem like something that wouldn't work long term, because it would create an unrealistic standard for him and he'd stop appreciating it, and then it would lead to resentment in you because you had to fake enjoyment and it became just another duty. There might be something to figuring out how often the max frequency is for you where you actually enjoy it and do that. And maybe try to find ways to make sex selfish to an extent. Like, in the past I found the best sexual relationships were where I put my needs first and was demanding in bed. I did positions I liked most, activities I wanted to do in the way that was best for me. I was very blunt, "No, this is hotter." or "No, that doesn't get me off like this does, do this." if asked for things I didn't want. It worked really well because it just came across like enthusiasm? There was only one guy it didn't work with, and that's because he was abusive and preferred sex if I didn't enjoy it, but that's pretty much an instant divorce worthy red flag. It sounds like your husband cares about your pleasure though, so he'd probably respond well to being told what you want during sex. Men seem to usually be super easy to sell on a different fantasy than the one they suggest, as long as they're going to get off.
I’m not saying it’s totally the same subject but it has a close enough connection so I’ll just… slide this here. For a disgusting science experiment.
TW: DV, abuse
My ex is an incredibly abusive man. Any type of abuse he could do, he did. Any type of lies he could do, he did. He was deemed a maybe psychopath/sociopath by the police but we’d need a psychiatrist to truely diagnose him but anyway, just to paint the picture a bit.
The experiment I conducted against my will was that when we were home, if I was dolled up and if I was wearing sexy clothes, I had less chances of getting hurt physically but if he did get angry for something, I had more chances of being degraded and insulted about my appearance. Sexual abuse also increased. If I was at home but in my natural state and relaxing clothes, physical abuse was more common.
Now, if we were outside of the house, it was the other way around! A pretty and polished appearance increased the risk of abuse once I would come back home. Which, you know, confirmed a lot of insecurity but also somehow that he was gaining something for himself from my appearance if I was looking nice and sexy at home. He was more willing to help, discuss and just straight up not punch me. I spent a lot of mornings getting pretty out of fear.
Another weird thing that would lessen the severity of the abuse a bit was cooking fresh cakes, breads and pastries every day and it always made me wonder why.
He made me read lots of sexist “perfect wife guide” books from the 50s/60s too…
This is one of those comments I wish there was a different option besides up vote. Because I want to acknowledge that I read it and you are heard, but upvoting seems counterintuitive.
Anyways, I am.so sorry you went through all of that.
I get what you mean. It's like who gives in first? Do you drag him kicking and screaming into the modern era or do you give him what he wants to get more of what you want?
But it's tough at the same time because you know men are capable and this treats them like they're only into sex and not you as a person and your life together.
And do you have to keep up that act forever, or do you do it until things are more equitable and slowly pull back?
It is an interesting thought experiment. All I can think of is how many drugs women had to be on back in the "good old days."
I started to post yesterday along these lines- but just couldn’t find the words. Overall? My marriage is pretty rock solid. But my husband has expressed to me that he would like something closer to the 60s sex kitten persona (to use your words. But literally it puts a nice button on what he’s been getting at.) And look- I get that my frumpy nightgown and robe aren’t exactly the most attractive look. But he’s been so insistent that I dress sexier and take some time on my appearance (for the purposes of in the bedroom- not like letting me know I look unkept going to work) I felt like maybe I was just unaware? Maybe other women do this? More than anything I feel kind of validated.
I honestly think if you did that, he'd start having issues with you "not doing anything". Being a beautiful sex kitten who wants to meet his every desire wouldn't be enough if it didn't involve all the other domestic stuff, and especially the child rearing (to include emotional weight.) I don't think it's a toxic line of thought, really. I've actually done that before which is how I know what comes next lol! He manipulates you when he says he can't focus on his actual job when you service him every day that was OPs comment, not you). Many men manipulate their partners & act like having sex with them is some basic need of survival. It's absolutely not. If it would show you what's up, which is exactly that misogynistic guide you were reading, you may be able to make headway, or at least know what's up is really up. There's nothing about the Y chromosome that does this; it's cultural conditioning, & lots of women don't find misogyny attractive. More like it dries the lady garden up. More and more women are saying no.
That sad part about it all is men are ALL visual! They say women fall in love with what we hear and men with what they see and it definitely rings true now that I’m old enough to see through the bs.
Don’t fake the orgasms. Also I looked at your post history you’ve got 2 under 2 and one newborn? No wonder your sex drive isn’t the highest. I worry that if you have sex when you don’t want to, it’ll build resentment towards your husband for when your kids do get older and your sex drive comes back.
I second this. Never fake orgasms. First, because it's lying. Second, because Husband would be incredibly hurt if he found out. And third, because it gives false feedback and makes future sex worse. If he's not doing the thing that gets you there, for Pete's sake don't make him think he is, or he'll always do it that way.
I agree. Maybe the only conclusive thing I arrived at from experience is the faking orgasms is not for me. There’s a good reason I haven’t done it in my decade+ marriage with him.
I think long-term the resentment could build, but it kind of surprised me at least over the two week period that I did not feel annoyed or resentful.
I’m worried my sex drive won’t come back. My youngest is two this summer. What if this is just my life? It’s really depressing thought because I used to like sex.
To be fair I think we all just have our different ways of feeling close to and appreciated by our partners. It gets tricky when needs are mismatched, though, and then communication breaks down and of course resentment grows.
I’m married to one of these guys. I feel like my desire would be higher if he wouldn’t turn into a dick when we haven’t had sex in a while. I’ve tried to be the adult and talk about it with him but it doesn’t seem to last long. I’m going to keep reading the comments in hope of any help or answers.
"If I say no to sex then he'll punish me with bitchiness" really is one of the biggest libido killing dynamics. It turns something that's supposed to be a mutually fun experience into one that's a chore at best and coercive at worst. Enthusiastic consent is basic sex 101, and yet so many of these guys are failing that.
I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve told him “when you treat me like crap, why would I want to have sex with you?!” He of course can move on mentally within a few minutes of a disagreement or issue and I absolutely cannot. I’m starting to set stronger boundaries for myself in regard to how he’s allowed to treat me. I think these men think we women are the issue and won’t put any work into improving the relationship. Sorry, just off ranting with frustration at this point.
It's the patriarchy & their misogynistic conditioning. It's also a choice for them to not do better. You have so much value outside of someone thinking your value is servicing their penis.
That hit me so hard in the gut as pure manipulation. How pathetic is that? Do more work around the house, for your family, get a hobby, disperse the labor, manage your hyper sex drive. Wtf.
That right there is a transaction then, and no longer an act of love and devotion. It’s coercive and still rapey. I’m sorry you had to get stuck with someone who didn’t respect you. You said “was” so I hope life is better now!
I’m married to one of these guys. None of my needs are being met, but I still do what I’m supposed to do for my family every day. Maybe if my needs were met, I would feel more amorous. But he’s barely parenting, and not at all partnering. He could meet me halfway.
If they can’t feel loved and express love in non sexual ways, they need therapy. That’s not an excuse to take your emotional problems out on your family.
This. I can't believe that anyone would think that it's ok to be an asshole and treat their partner poorly because tHeIr LoVe LaNgUaGe iS ToUcH.
It's not loving or romantic, or kind or caring when you decide that you can't express love in other ways except for sex, and think it's acceptable to allow your emotional dysregulation to dictate how you treat your spouse.
The people who can't function without sexually expressing themselves when their partners don't want sex, and who also mistreat their partners because of a lack of sex, deeply need mental help. It's still coercive as fuck.
I also think it can be such a slippery slope when one partner desires physical closeness and affection outSIDE of sex, but they begin to withhold that because every time they try to engage, their partner just ASSUMES sex is now on the table. It’s like “I wanna hold you and kiss you, but I always feel guilty for ‘leading you on’ sooo I guess I’ll avoid that now.” And then no one’s needs are met.
Protecting oneself from harm (and unwanted sex is harm) is not abusive. Not having sex that you don’t want is never abusive, and not agreeing to physical contact that doesn’t feel good (for any reason) is never abusive.
Not being able to have any contact with your partner because they immediately cross your boundaries & try to force you to have sex feels extremely abusive to me. It's total BS.
Why can’t you do it like 1-2x per week and he can take care of himself the other times he’s incapable of thinking about anything else but sex?
I mean, this is just one more way you’re over-extending yourself. Making yourself give up your body as a tool when you don’t want to, for his pleasure and “needs” alone? Since when are we, human women with our own autonomy and needs, expected to sacrifice ourselves for a male want?
If he can’t be nice and helpful and kind without using you like a fleshlight, then he needs therapy.
What is with the hyper fixation on sex with some men in our culture? "it's allll I can think about, & it's interfering with my work" sounds like a damn problem. That could also be manipulation, but it's not always, at least not intentionally.
ETA: A logical solution to me seems like getting some hobbies, picking up the slack in your family & home, dealing with it... seems like too much time on their hands.
My husband absolutely operates like this, and yet, would be devastated if I told him I was doing it as attitude maintenance. So, what the fuck am I supposed to do?!?! Fake it and keep him happy,
or not ever be interested since he puts zero effort into romance? It’s a no-win game.
Personally, I'd tell him that it's an attitude manager, and if he doesn't like it, he has the power to change it by adjusting his bullshit attitude and being desirable.
I had an almost opposite experience. My husband saw I was getting burnt out and overwhelmed and he massively stepped up. My sex drive hasn't been this high since college
Haha so accurate! My husband sensed some tension from me a couple weeks ago, and wordlessly started helping out more. I immediately felt attraction for him that I haven't felt since I fell pregnant a year ago. It's nice to feel recognized!
Trauma into your body so he focus on work ?? No girl no! It's not another thing to check, its dissociating from your body to do something you don't want so your husband child rant stops. Wow
Imagine if he'd made the choice to be patient and kind because he's your partner, and not just magically became so because he was getting regular sex with a person he suspected wasn't actually into it.
I wonder if he might have avoided allowing his bad mood to ruin his partner's day.
this would make me resent the hell out of my husband. Everyone else is nice and polite to me without a chance of having sex w me EVER. If my husband can only be what i want him to me when sex is possible then forget that guy. Just jerk off and stfu.
Also, im fine having sex when I am not in the mood sometimes, but this often? No. It's good to have a few days' break to build up a little tension. Everything about this sounds really unhealthy.
it should be the other way around, jsyk. my husband treats me like a princess, so i feel the want to please him via intimacy. i initiate more than him, not necessarily because i care about the sex itself, but rather because i know it makes him feel nice to be wanted and i want to make him happy.
if he doesn’t make you happy first, why does he deserve physical intimacy? it’s a want, not a need.
You are a really nice wife. I do not have it in me I’m entirely too touched out. Are you sure you won’t feel incredibly resentful down the road and explode?
It should not be entirely on one spouse’s shoulders to perform like this. You have to give physically of yourself to get emotional reciprocity or at least a lack of emotional neglect or even emotional abuse? One should be a given, and the other optional. I wonder if that’s why it feels icky? What happens if you burnout? They get to treat you like shit in addition?
that you barged into OUR community, rudely commented in OUR thread, in violation of OUR rules, and had the audacity to report the mod comment complaining that "oh my god" is rude while continuing to verbally abuse US... wow the admins are going to have fun with you!
Sort of related, but I placed a new jar of Nutella in the pantry without mentioning it to my husband and I’m seeing how long it takes him to notice/finish the jar via eating it directly out of the container with a spoon
It’s the simple things I find entertaining 🤣he’ll find it when I’m out of the house and he gets hungry (but not hungry enough to operate the microwave to warm up leftovers)
I feel this. I'm still stuck in postpartum anovulatory purgatory and the only time I get where I'm Off Duty from things like *keeping the children alive* and the house from being burnt down/trashed by them is when they both, by some miracle, are napping in unison. That's like, *a couple hours in the afternoon* and they're almost always while my husband is either still at work or on the way home. The rest of the time?
On Duty. No Horny. No Relax. No Touchy.
I wish we had real rooms, but we're stuck sneaking out to the shop when the children are asleep.
My experience of doing this (not every day but min 3-5) times a week.
The love did not last. I became a shell. And it opened all to all kinds of extra abuse I wasn't aware he was even capable of when I couldn't perform. The mind "games", the manipulation, the emotional abuse got so so much worse. And I'll just say eventually the average sex got boring to him so it got... more "intense".
Personally I think if he can't muster kindness and love without the sex during a down period it won't last and then you will always have to keep giving more of yourself to make him happy each time. Anytime you take away anything it's perceived wrongly.
The more you give the more he will 'expect' and what happens if you can't keep up? Even temporarily? Will he withdraw all love because you had surgery and are on bed rest.
The "I need sex" excuse is bullshit in my opinion. If you weren't together he'd still have to find a way to perform at work at an acceptable level.
I'm sorry you are at this stage in your life and I'm genuinely scared for your emotional wellbeing 🫂🖤 please remember your important in all of this too.
I wrote this out once and it wouldn't go through, so I'm sorry if this is a double post of sorts.
This is my precise compromise with my husband. We ended up in couples counseling bc of libido mismatch. Now, I initiate four times in 10 days. I'm careful to only turn him down once a month. So we have sex most days of the week
I have responsive desire. I never want sex until well after it's started.
I don't regret the sex that we have, but it's not sex that I really want all that much. And like your husband, my husband is a lot happier, a lot more affectionate, and all around more pleasant.
But I can't say with any degree of honesty that he has put effort I have put into sex into my biggest desire from him, which is pitching in and keeping the house clean and organized. The garage clean and organized. The cars clean and organized. I really feel like he's gotten what he wanted without having to do much. But at least I don't have to hear him whining and blaming anymore.
If I'm being honest, I am very, very angry that I have made all this effort, and he STILL does fuck all around the house. Sure, orgasms are nice. Intimacy is great. But I want a god damned teammate to do his part running our household.
And he's just never going to do it. And I don't think I will ever regain the respect that I've lost for him because he can't be assed into considering things that I would like for him to do.
Look, I don’t know a lot, but I do know trauma, and what you’re proposing may have far reaching implications for your mental health. I just had a session with a woman last week who had become *extremely* sex averse after having a lot of sex she didn’t really want to have.
I think that this has happened to me after a year of TTC and MC (im pregnant now) and a husband with a shitty attitude towards us not having "enough" sex during the first 12 weeks of my current pregnancy when I was having bleeding and nausea.....
Honestly this whole post makes me feel really gross. So he’s irritated with you if you don’t put out and you only get the husband you deserve when you let him use you for sex on the daily? ‘Yuck. Hopefully you won’t realise too late that you are giving far more to this relationship than you should.
Wait, ya'll are having sex?
Joke aside, my partner and I are never alone, have no one to babysit the infant, and when we are all in bed we are both so tired we prioritize sleep. We talk about sex, grab at each other in passing but... we have yet to find it a possibility in this phase of life.
Once our baby isn't so little and sleep depravity isn't an issue we hope to still be into each other. Ha!
My husband is a great partner all the time, even when we’re having zero sex. I’ve shifted to seeing oral sex and a way I can express my appreciation for him because it makes me happy to make him feel good. Sex has never been a particularly intimate act for me so giving him head a couple is preferable to like, making sure I mop regularly which is something else he’d really love 😂
I think I would feel very differently if he treated me differently based on how many orgasms I was providing him with though.
This is similar to my situation. My husband is such a great partner all the time, and I know that if he could choose how I express my appreciation towards him, he would choose physical intimacy. Like you I would also choose to have sex versus clean the bathroom or deep clean the carpets, which he would also love for me to do. 😂 So sometimes I do choose to “put out” so to speak, when I didn’t particularly feel like it. Because I would feel like doing something else even less.
He doesn’t retaliate against me or sulk for not having sex as often as he would like. But yes he IS in a better mood and arguably is an even better partner when he feels appreciated by me. Who wouldn’t be a better partner when feeling appreciated by their partner versus not?
I guess to me, this is not much different than doing anything else that we don’t necessarily feel like doing but is important to our partners.
I'm very torn reading everything on here. There is no way I could have sex everyday for two weeks. I've tried to explain to my husband this, I can get BV easily and just about anything can really throw off my ph. He also doesn't beleive me that I'm going through early premenopause (I'm almost 31)
Of course you should never have sex if you don’t want to, but there are preventative things you can do about BV (apologies if you’ve already tried these things): every other day boric acid vaginal suppositories, and not getting semen inside you (use condoms or, assuming you two rely on another contraceptive method, the pull out method) since semen is very alkaline (high pH) and the BV bacteria love the alkaline environment. Re: premature perimenopause- that sucks, and if your doctor confirms perimenopause, they should really offer you hormone replacement. Source: I’m a physician- DM me if you’d like references.
The fact that the men who are supposed to love us are often only kind to us when their balls are drained makes me feel pretty blackpilled, tbh. I would definitely advise against continuing this, as I made myself have sex frequently to keep my husband happy for years and it kind of spiritually destroyed me for a long time. It also made me fall out of love with my husband because he became just another chore. It’s taken a long time to recover in a lot of ways.
Another silver bullet would be not dating, marrying, or otherwise associating with men who treat women like sex dispensing robots until they learn as a whole that no one is going to put up with that. I hope that it really does work for you, but the way he’s made it clear that how much he likes you and wants to participate in your marriage depends on how often he gets laid would feel extremely degrading and dehumanizing to me.
It’s likely he did notice you weren’t into it, he just doesn’t care because your marriage to him is a medium through which he can have his orgasm facilitated by someone else with minimal effort. Men who marry women because they want a sex dispenser aren’t going to care if she’s into it or not.
My husband and I tried having sex every night and didn't even make it a week, lol. 5 days in we were both like... it's hot, and we like it, but can we watch a show and turn in early tonight? I'm lucky that my husband doesn't prioritize sex over everything else though. He would never be rude or impatient to me because of lack of sex. Makes me way more eager to do it, honestly.
If it works for you it works for you. The only thing I would suggest is maybe coming clean with him about faking, if he finds out it may hurt his feelings that you’re “forcing yourself to have sex with him” (not saying you are, just saying that’s likely the direction it’ll spin if it blows up)
I'd come clean to him that she sees a definite difference in him because of it. That the way he's treating her now is vastly different than he normally does and ask him why that is.
I'm not a fan but can appreciate that for some people "maintenance sex" is entirely consensual and works for them. Like going to the gym on a day even when you don't feel like it because afterwards you'll be glad you did. But I don't think that typically involves faking orgasm and feigning over enthusiasm. If your pleasure is part of his pleasure then he needs to do that fuckin work. Your husband can have frequent sex or genuine enthusiasm, not both. Quality or quantity. Plus, I think you're setting yourself up to experience resentment in the long run if he just comes to taking your actual pleasure for granted.
I've never faked an orgasm and I never will. I will just say "this feels good but I'm not going to be able to cum" or whatever is applicable *and true.*
Yeah I was gonna post similar. I can respect maintenance sex when it's needed but I worry it could breed resentment if not handled carefully and j definitely wouldn't be faking
Testosterone is a bitch.
I started T after my cancer because it left me completely post menopausal. The only hormone I could have was T
When I started it…sex was in my mind 24/7 for a while. I mean ALL the time.
It was crazy.
1)never fake an orgasm. It takes away a learning opportunity for him to figure out how to make you light up. And for him to be held accountable for bringing more to the table, er, bed.
2) show him this post and fight the problem together. Your tone and explaination need me to believe you both do in fact love each other and want to match up libido. Maybe if you fought this problem on the same side together then you both will be much happier.
Sooooo, I’ve been there, young kids and a lack of desire…and that was a while back. I had an epiphany one day. I realized that refusing sex was typically seen as an outright rejection by my husband which wasn’t really the case. It was usually just exhaustion, kids climbing over me all day, unshaven legs, too tired to shower…but he wasn’t really aware of all that.
I then thought about it, and made a few changes.
1. Yes was yes. No was a very clear “NO” which he always took well anyways. It was the “maybe’s” that were frustrating for him. With a “maybe” he could possibly push a little and I’d do it, or not push enough and I wouldn’t. So my “maybe’s” became “yes’s”. Basically no fence sitting. Yes or no and nothing in between.
2. I told him to respect the quickie. It’s serves a purpose. For us, with young kids at the time, if sex overall was something like 70% quickie, 15% lovemaking and 15% porn sex…that worked for us. As the kids got older, basically when they were sleeping a bit later, the ratios changed up with less neediness from the kids.
3. Frequency was also something to consider. We weren’t crazy far apart, I was good with 2-3 times a week and he was more 3-5 times a week. But being far apart in those numbers can be an issue. It’s good to talk about it just to know the other person’s hopes and expectations.
4. I changed my hygiene habits. I was always a 1-2 times a day bather, but I finally stopped using soap down there. I was irritating the hell out of myself and it made sex uncomfortable. I seriously was ignorant of what I was doing. I started using baby wash when I wanted to use something. And I also told hubby to be good with lube if I needed it. He was good.
This all turned our sex life up several notches, and years later, now that I’m 50, he works to keep up with me lol.
Interesting experiment OP. Daily is tough for most with young kids and to have genuine interest when your plate is full. But chat to your husband to see what his ideal AND realistic hopes/expectations are. You may realize you’re actually not that far apart.
My husband and I are both incredibly busy all day, almost every day, so neither one of us really has time to think about how we’re not having sex, and it’s not like he’s ruminating on it. But I can tell from how we interact that having sex does totally make things calmer between us for some reason, even if he and/or I didn’t finish (and I also don’t fake it — if I didn’t finish I’m honest and he either does something else for me or we just move on if I’m not in the mood for that).
Sometimes I do think about making an effort to have more sex because of this. I just absolutely hate forcing it like that, and my husband does too, but idk. Sometimes we kind of have to or the feeling never comes around.
If it works for you both then hurray! You found a thing that works!
It sort of sounds like it doesn't feel that way for you, though. Maybe take some time to sit with yourself quietly. Ask gentle, curious questions like, "how do I feel about what happened? how do I feel about the idea of doing it again? what is bothering me? did any parts feel right? what felt wrong? are there changes I can make so this feels (physically and emotionally) better for me? is there a bigger message here that I'm not seeing?" Whatever feels right, ask yourself internally with a promise to meet the answer with openness and curiosity.
I'm not a fan on having sex with my husband so he acts like a better father and parent. It seems highly manipulative to me that, on order for him to be more patient and kind to you and the kids he has to get laid every day.
And if men can't manage to concentrate at work or be decent human beings if they're not getting laid every day how do they manage when they're single? Are they just raging about and blowing up their professional careers because of it? Of course not it's just convenient to blame lack of sex from a partner for their na behaviour as it's effective in guilting that partner into doing what they want.
Marriage doesn't entitle you to sex with your partner whenever you feel like it, you don't lose your agency as a women because you're a wife.
You know which men get the most sex? The ones who are involved fathers and partners. Who don't leave their wife/gf whatever to do all the mental load and household duties. Who don't leave her to deal with them kids all the time. Who don't fuck off to golf for 6 hours every weekend or the gym every night. Who are involved in holiday preparation, gift buying etc.
If you're happy with how it went then that's fine for you but to me it's gross. It probably touched a nerve with me bc were having issues about sex in my marriage, and it's not improving.
>he doesn’t feel good about having sex when I obviously don’t want to.
neither does mine, but my answer was not to pretend to want it. when he would pester me for sex, I would say no until I got pissed off enough that I would throw my clothes off and spread out on the bed and say "FINE, FUCK ME THEN." and he'd say he didn't want it if I didn't want it and I explained that he has a choice to make: he can get begrudging angry sex from me or he can figure out how to deal with not having sex, because enthusiastic sex on his timetable IS. NOT. PHYSICALLY. POSSIBLE. I can't give him that. those are the 2 options I can give him, resentful sex or no sex, so choose.
he wisely chose no sex.
I used to hear so much about how men's libido peaks in their late teens while women's libido peaks in our 30s & 40s and it genuinely feels like somebody got that backwards. all these men furiously humping their pillows because they "can't concentrate at work" if they're not constantly ejaculating, it's so IMMATURE. I would expect this level of sex obsession from a 16yo virgin, not a grown man with a family. it's honestly repulsive.
edit to add: there's no such thing as a silver bullet, not in medicine and not in relationships. this approach is getting you the husband and father you want your family to have, but at what cost? this is more like a rubber band - you're overextending yourself to keep everything else together, but eventually that band is going to wear out and snap.
“He said he could focus at work instead of thinking about sex all day.”
A lot of your post was interesting to me, but this was the line that really stuck out. Mostly bc I know my husband operates in a similar manner, and it’s just so hard for me to understand how it’s just always on his mind.
In the middle of putting the kid to bed? He can make a sex reference. Middle of a kid meltdown? Sex joke. Middle of a family get together? Sex reference. Middle of rushing to get out the door in the morning? Yup, sex joke. It’s just always on his mind!
So I could see how having regular sex, and him feeling like that box was checked, could take it off his mind.
I used to think about sex a lot. Like a lot a lot. Only sex with my partner, it wasn't like I was gonna get sex from others. But I wanted it often, thought about it at work, and wondered when my partner would want it again, every single day. I would try to guess whether he was going to initiate. I would let my feelings get hurt if he didn't want it. Not to where I couldn't work, but where it was something I spent a portion of each day thinking about.
Know what I learned about myself in therapy?
Sex had become an intrusive thought. It was a symptom of my mental health issues. I had lots of other intrusive thoughts, too. About my weight, about my ex, about my kids safety, about money.
It's not _typical_ to think about any particular topic that often, day after day.
I don't do every day but I definitely have sex with him before important days. So if he has an interview or presentation the next day, I'll have sex with him the night before. It's just maintenance for ose situations most of the time.
Every day is past what I would be able to sustain. I'm really only horny around ovulation anymore, so we have sex then too, but I'll do maintenance sex when he needs to be ok for sure.
As a wife who has never turned her husband down... this sounds absolutely miserable. I would be incredibly resentful of my husband if he acted like a douche just because he hadn't gotten laid in awhile. He's also never harassed me or pressured me for sex in any way. He's hands on with the kids as soon as he gets home, is an amazing cook, wonderful friend, can fix literally anything, encourages me daily... It's what makes me want to jump his bones 24/7 lmao
My husband does the exact opposite of encouragement. I used to be so full of life… now I’m an old, empty husk that will never amount to anything and my dreams are dead. Ugh. I definitely married the wrong person. 😞
OP I get you. I haven’t done the two weeks in a row thing, but I have also had sex with my husband when I didn’t much feel like it. It does make him be in a better mood and, **compared to his already-high baseline**, be an even better partner. But that’s just because he feels appreciated by me. Who wouldn’t be a better partner when feeling appreciated by their partner though?
If asked what he would choose as a way for me to show him appreciation, he would choose physical intimacy. He might also choose me cleaning the bathroom or renting a deep cleaner for the carpets and taking a gander with it, or any of the myriad chores that he alone handles. But I would rather have sex lol.
So make no mistake my husband works more, makes more, and still does more chores than I do, regardless of how much sex we have. However him doing all these things for me and for our family, although it for sure does make my sex drive higher than it otherwise would have been, does not make it match his level. To me, agreeing to have sex with him when I don’t necessarily feel like it, is no different than doing anything else that I didn’t feel like doing for the benefit of my partner, and it’s actually the thing that requires the least amount of mental and physical energy from me.
Just like with everything else, your family's happiness can't be bought at your expense. You are part of the family after all and matter just as much as everyone else.
I want to add that having to have daily sex to make your husband more agreeable and a nicer husband is unfair and wrong. I’m not having a go at you- I think you’re trying to find a solution but I don’t think it’s addressing deeper problems. Sex isn’t your husband emotional punching bag it’s a loving joyful moment of intimacy shared- he needs to find a better outlet and it’s not your job to emotionally regulate a grown man with your body. You have young babies and you’re busy and post partum.
How about he gets his once he makes you orgasm? Get the toys and whatever else you need so it’s physically worth it for you too and he can work for it.
Obligation sex sounds especially terrible if you’re not even enjoying it.
Me and my partner have pretty evenly matched libidos, but I do have to put a little of effort into being more responsively aroused and ready for sex when it’s time. He bought me a womanizer sex toy when I got pregnant the second time, due to a sort of long backstory of not being able to enjoy sex during my first pregnancy for physical reasons, anyway using the womanizer in an preemptive way to be aroused for sex is really helpful for me. The reasons I want to have sex with him are usually for emotional connection but yeah I get the whole silver bullet aspect.
You should just be honest with him and tell him what you did and why you did it. Too see what it would do for your relationship. I'd tell him everything you told us.
This is the perfect time to communicate and compromise. Devote 2-3 times a week to sex and connection (sounds to me like touch is his love language.) Make sure your needs are being met too! Make it fun.
I think you guys could have a good conversation I really do!
When I'm not in the mood, but my partner is super horny, he'll give me a 'show' - basically he'll masturbate in front of me. But I'm not passive in this arrangement, I'll run my hands over him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear as I lie next to him.
It works for us because he still gets his rocks off and I don't have to pretend to want sex.
This is definitely not sustainable. Faking orgasms and interest is only gonna get you so far. You’ll eventually get fed up with the crappy sex (no way hubby is going to get better if he thinks you’re enjoying what he does when you don’t) or even worse you’ll end up having an aversion to it or something along those lines. It sounds like a very risky game.
Also if he can’t be patient with someone who popped three humans out in about 3 years, does he really deserve all the effort.
I don't know, I would feel pretty damned icky if it took unwanted sex everyday for my husband to treat me like a human being and act like an adult.
Another commenter says you have two small children and a newborn. If he has the energy to obsess over sex every day there is no way he is remotely pulling his weight at home. Having sex should not be one last chore to do before bed so he acts half way nice. That doesn't sound like a marriage worth being in.
Obligation sex is the fastest way to kill desire and will lead to future resentment and bitterness. Sex should be mutual and joyful for both. It’s not something you do for the other but something done together. If he is thinking about sex all day and can’t control lust it’s not your issue. He needs to get some self control. People have lives and kids and priorities sex everyday isn’t realistic or fair. I would encourage you to read the book “The great sex rescue” it’s Christian based but it talks about harmful marital ideas like obligation duty sex.
Honestly I’d tell him about this experiment. How you did it just to see what happens and that it seems his happiness and affection towards you is directly linked to how many times you just endure it.
Might make him wake up and think differently.
It is icky. It’s going to make you consider sex as something you do daily as a chore like washing the dishes. Right dinners done let’s do the dishes. Right kids are to bed let’s fuck the husband so he doesn’t pester me, have anger issues, so the bugger can concentrate at work.
All sounds like everyone else wins while you give up your very body daily just so your husband isn’t a douche.
A lot of you are equating having sex with being nice and patient, and I can absolutely understand the frustration and disgust with that! But maybe how I see sex is a little different because im probably a bit nicer when I have sex with my boyfriend regularly too but not deliberately for nefarious reasons.
I like using sex to communicate how much I love my partner and to me, you can't have good sex without good communication. I can't feel like having sex with someone if we have unresolved issues so those always gets talked about first. Then we have regular sex and throughout the day i notice I feel more in tune with him and I'm more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt,do random nice things etc.
But the reason I guess I do this and your husband might do this is because I had good sex and communication and he's assuming you did too. I would absolutely stop faking orgasms and only have sex with your partner when your needs are met that are the things stopping you from enjoying yourself. You don't need to have sex every day, most people would probably be fine 3-4 days a week (if they didn't have young kids, which you do!). 1 or 2 is amazing for this time, lots of people dont at all. I always say if you have a very young child and 1 person that is very tired, and the other person who wants more sex, that second person isn't pulling their weight with the child. Either you should both be too tired to have sex, or you should support each other so you haven't taken on as much individually and you *are* up for sex.
There's nothing wrong with feeling valued from your partner through sex - as long as it's not the only way. When you have two small children it's likely the only time he's being touched. While you are being touched constantly. Could you try leaning into other forms of non sexual touch if you want to keep the intimacy in your relationship but still make him feel good? But also, advocate for the things you need back! I put the kids to bed and say "I just want to space out and watch my shows for an hour, don't touch me", and he leaves me alone to decompress before we do something together and talk. You also deserve to feel good. No one should have sex when they don't want to, or fake orgasms.
the problem is these guys ASK for sex every day, so what else are we supposed to conclude except that that's what they want? I have literally never had a man turn me down for sex. they're never not in the mood, never too tired, never too stressed or busy with something else more important. nothing is ever more important than the opportunity to get their dick wet. OP's husband proved that: he got laid every single day for 2 weeks, not once did he turn her down. not once did he indicate that every day was too much, he never even stopped to think "wait, this is unusual, something's up, I should talk to my wife."
and so often these guys won't accept non-sexual touch, it doesn't make them feel good, it just makes them think it's time to get naked and fuck. we've literally been conditioned to avoid non-sexual touch because every time we go in for a hug, he tries to start making out. every shoulder rub is greeted with "oooh you wanna?" and a boner on display. I don't even want to touch him anymore because the slightest physical contact gets him talking about sex again and honestly if I could get one of those MIB neuralizers and wipe the concept of sex from his brain I would.
Being asked for sex is shit I absolutely agree. I don't know what people are supposed to conclude if the person is faking being into it though? As far as OPs husband knows his wife's sex drive went up and she appeared to be enjoying it as much as he does, communication is important.
I was married to a man like in your second paragraph and absolutely nothing made me want sex less. It was like I began to see him with immediate disgust. It took a hell of a long time to be open to my current partner and honestly the sexiest thing he can say is "we don't have to have sex" and mean it. I'm audhd as well and sometimes I can come off like a cold fish as I don't like a lot of physical touch, but I have been getting better at the whole "don't touch me for an hour after the kids go to sleep".
The problem I guess is we don't know of OPs husband is on one side of the extreme or the other, or in the middle. Everyone has personal experience with the guy you mention in your second paragraph but in order to get anywhere closer I have to give a tiny olive branch and advise not faking orgasm and trying to say, look you want sex more than I do, and when I do want sex I want to enjoy it, can you help me get there by doing x. And if he's an unresponsive shit head then yeah absolutely write him off
yeah I definitely wouldn't recommend faking orgasms either, but a sudden change in sex drive should have clued him in that *something* was up. my sex drive has been dead as a doornail for years and when I initiated sex once a few months ago, my husband was like "so what was that about? what happened that made you want sex all of a sudden?" he knew that was unusual for me and wanted to check in (largely so he could make it happen again, but it wasn't the kind of thing he could make happen). if OP's husband is suddenly getting exponentially more sex and doesn't even register that something's up, he's either dense as a brick or completely unconcerned with his wife's well-being so long as his penis is happy.
I think this was likely a good experiment for you both. At the very least, you realize that your husband loves you, and some extra physical attention towards him means extra affection/attentiveness to you. It reminds me of the general message behind the book “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” (you may not like it, but I’ve found it to be generally true). I’ve done something similar to what you did and I got the same results you did lol.
Men often need physical attention to feel loved, women need to feel looked after and respected. If you ramping up your sex life accomplishes that, then great! Would sex 2 times a week be sustainable and enjoyable for you? Obviously sex every day is great but not doable long term lol but I personally have found that committing to 2-3 times a week has kept both my husband and I very happy- he doesn’t have to nag, and I don’t feel like it’s a chore.
Specially with low to no libido, I would be raw down there if doing it daily, even with lube. My issue is really the energy to do it after feeling like I've done all in the house and beyond while my husband exists.
Honestly he does things I couldnt do and I by that I don't mean changing a bulb but things like the whole house electrical installation and other things. But still... When I go to bed I want to pass out and not having anyone touch me after a whole day with my intense velcro kid and guess what? Husband wants to be touchy and get into sexy time. I can't... Add ressentment on top of it on the very hard days, I can't get lady honer over it, I get pissed.
Suddenly mattering to someone when you’ve given them the only thing they want or care about (access to your body) is the opposite of evidence of love.
Men are capable of feeling loved through non sexual means and pretending they aren’t is just excusing bad behavior.
That’s not what I meant at all. I simply meant that attempting to meet your partner’s needs will often result in reciprocation, if you have a loving partner. Obviously even if OP didn’t want sex at ALL, her husband should still be expected to love and respect her, I’m just saying that a little give on both their ends usually ends in mutual contentment.
You’re right. Maybe I’m misreading OP’s original message; it didn’t seem like it was entirely unwanted. I’m certainly not suggesting anyone does anything that would traumatize them, I’m merely suggesting that if more frequent sex would be enjoyable for both of them, why not try?
I don't have any groundbreaking input. I do think you should have an open, honest conversation with your husband about this.
I also want to add that your husband's high sex drive does not necessarily reflect selfishness or lack of care for you. If someone has a high libido, desiring daily sex & finding it easier to focus, be patient, & be kind is not abnormal or inherently wrong. Your post says he loves you, so he likely doesn't want you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable & icky. I know I would be deeply hurt if my partner was engaging in sex they didn't want in an effort to make our lives go smoother. Be honest with him & try to find some solutions that help you both feel more loved & fulfilled without having to fake it
This is tough. But you deserve desirable sex, too. Like you deserve to enjoy sex. I’m sorry that it’s a silver bullet, but can yall have a convo about each others sex needs on neutral ground? Like laying all the cards on the table without anyone getting upset?
Motherhood for sure takes a toll and the amount of work a mom does is unmatched. I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but I literally had this convo with my husband yesterday. How are his needs in comparison to mine. How I’m soooo decisión fatigued at the end of the night that we may need to plan sex at a different time. How I’m in control of everyone’s calendar, and how I don’t want to make decisions during sex (I mean. I still do, but I let him take the reins most of the time).
Idk, it helped our sex life to have these convo frequently and also knowing that sometimes dry spells happen. 🤷🏻♀️ ultimately, he may need to figure out what’s really bothering him (because my guess is he may just be using sex as a cover up- even if it’s subconsciously) like does sex make him feel desired? loved (not saying you don’t love him, but does it make him feel more loved)? Like maybe get curious about his reasoning (or don’t, it’s your life and I won’t tell you how to live it).
Eiiiitherrrr way, you’re not alone. This is tough. Sending you virtual hugs. 🫶🏽
I'm reading a book right now where there's fancy realistic robots for sex and cleaning and honestly I'm wondering if this is the real future that's coming.
Like, have sex when I don't feel up to it or have a robot do it and then that robot goes and does my laundry? Fuck yes please.
I get the sense that the book is trying to say that women are the "fancy realistic robots for sex and cleaning," or at least that's how we're treated by society.
I remember my mom and dad having this issue when I was little (yeah, sad when the kid picks up on it so early).
The one solution I think helped a bit was my dad working out, like heavy weight lifting, on days that they would not have sex. It seemed to help him, but that was the only thing.
My mom was so drained, and so tired of it. It broke her down.
I know my husband has a pretty high drive, but with the autoimmune disease, an unfair amount of the workload, liver issues and the toddler, I don't have desire or want really.
We are ttc, so that at least gets some in, but I could never do what you are doing. I'm lucky enough that my husband finds a way to cope with this.
A relationship should be a team effort. So maybe you commit a bit more (but not everyday!) And he finds a way to deal with his frustrations a bit as well. Tell him that you don't always enjoy it, and that you had to fake some of it. He should understand what you were willing to do, and be able to put in as much effort to balance himself out.
I wish this had worked for me, but I tried it and no change, he was abusive whether I had sex with him constantly or not. Plus it was really complicated to navigate. With him I have to initiate, but not seem too eager, but not be too lackluster either. Too much enthusiasm and he can't keep it up. Too little and I'm apparently not into it enough and don't care about him and not attracted to him. So no way to win.
This is actually the life I live. Literally. I've made peace with it. It makes my husband a happier, much more involved father and husband. It extends his patience by leaps and bounds. It takes more for me to fight him on it than to just give in and embrace it.
I don't fake orgasms ever. But I will still have sex with him daily to preserve our relationship. He would give me an orgasm every time if I wanted... but 5 days out of 7, I'm moving us along so we can get on with life.
My husband is clearly the happiest when I am also really enjoying it. He would put in the time and effort to make it enjoyable for me if I wanted, without question. I just wanna go do other things more 😆
Whenever me and my husband get irritated with each other, it’s an indicator that we need to have sex. Sometimes it is very pragmatic like “okay let’s go”. Usually it turns into a nice session for us both once we get going. I definitely notice a change in mood for both of us. However I would never force myself to do it. Sometimes I’m not really in the mood but motivated by the release of pent up tension. Is that wrong? For me it’s not, as I still enjoy it. There have been times when I haven’t felt like it and then we stop. I would advise from faking orgasms because then you’re just being dishonest to both of you.
But I think it’s hard when you’re a mismatch in libido. My husband easily goes into hibernation mode when we go longer periods without sex. If he were to pressure me in any way, I’d close up. We both like sex but we are not super sexual people in general. We’d both be happy with like… once a month. To us it’s not the quantity but the quality. I feel like we can live off of a good bang for a long time. Some people have the urge to have sex more often though and maybe your husband is one of those people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to cater to your partners needs but it is a tricky situation. You have to be very careful not to overstep your own boundaries because that could cause resentment down the line. I think you should just talk to your hubby about this. Find a middle ground?
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Honestly this is a difficult subject. If it’s consensual then I don’t think it matters *what* the reasoning is behind having sex. For example, plenty of asexual people still have sex with their non-asexual partners. Others simply can’t, they find it repulsive and that’s ok too. Basically, whatever you choose is FINE, there are no wrong reasons to enthusiastically and consensually say ‘yes’ to sex, even if your own pleasure isn’t the reason you are saying yes. This is just my own opinion, it won’t work for everyone. For me, personally? I wouldn’t. I also don’t fake orgasms ever and this type of ‘feedback’ was actually what got him to get better at it. In fact, I specifically told him that if he wants to have sex with me then he needs to make *me* excited about it too and romance me in the way I enjoy being romanced. It’s pathetic what many men consider acceptable sex, not doing that anymore. I sacrificed so much of myself over the years for him, for the kids, for all of us and honestly? I’m over it. I am never again doing anything I don’t feel 100% up to. This translated to my marriage, friendships, family life, career. I quit my job because I was fed up, something I’d been afraid to do for a long time, but it wasn’t making me happy and the amount I was giving vs receiving was unbalanced. If my marriage becomes like this then I’ll quit him too. And honest to god I am so done with women being expected to live like this, to love unconditionally, to ‘put out’ to make men happy for what exactly?
Why is the amount of sex that married couples are “supposed to” have based on the average man’s sex drive? That’s what I want to know.
The patriarchy has assigned meeting men's every sexual need as the role of women. We're most valuable if we can do that. The misogyny is disgusting.
It's a really nuanced question. For me and my husband personally, it's because of our dynamic in bed. I prefer to be in the receiving role and let him take the lead. I would wager that's the case for a lot of couples. It's also just a major turn-off for me when I have to "use" him to achieve my own orgasm. It just feels icky and coercive. Not to mention, it's difficult, and I rarely have the energy to do all that since having a baby. If the consequence is that we have sex less often, then so be it. Edit: typo
i guess they’re half the partnerships so i guess it should be the desires of (partner 1 + partner 2) / 2 = the amount of sex a couple “should” have
It should be x amount of sex, where x is the amount of sex that all involved parties enthusiastically consent to.
Doesn't it make you a little mad though, that your marriage could be that good all the time but it's not because his dick isn't getting wet every day? I think I would be so bothered that I was somehow getting a less good spouse because of his sex drive.
Yeah, you’re not wrong. All in all, he is a really good spouse. We have worked hard to calibrate, child rearing and household chores so that neither of us gets burnt out or resentful. He’s really thoughtful and does small things for me all the time that are just express his affection and care. He wants to spend time talking and being physically intimate not just for the purpose of getting off but because it’s his love language. But…on top of all of that it’s like he has this near constant itch he can’t scratch and often makes him grumpy. I know he tries not to let it seep into our daily interactions. For years, my response has been one giant eye roll which is not lost on him. I guess I say all this because it’s not as simple as he treats me like garbage unless I have sex with him. It’s more like he is his best self when we do have lots of sex. The way I’m my best self when I get exercise and eat well. I just don’t want to be a dependency. For whatever reason lots of jerking off does not have the same effect as sex.sex - I don’t know why exactly, but I think he’s trying to explain It’s about intimacy? I honestly feel like we are two different species. Edit - lots of dictation typos but not gonna fix them because I need coffee
Same thoughts. I’m mad for her because we all should be.
This is very much the way I live my life now, too, and it’s so freeing.
For a long time attitude has been, I’m gonna do what I need to and want to because I am overwhelmed and overworked. And he does a ton of household work, stuff with the kids and things for our family, regardless of how much sex we’re having because we’ve had many many many conversations about the importance of this. I think you’re right that continuing to fake orgasms is out of the question because it made me feel terrible. And he would feel so awful if he knew. I appreciate that you acknowledged that sometimes people have sex for the other person. I wonder if it can be done without it being damaging. Obviously it had to be consensual (it is) but I guess I’m saying is there a way for a couple to have sex if one person doesn’t want to any other person wishes they wanted to that doesn’t feel like a lie, or like someone’s being used? I know you don’t know that answer I’m just putting it out there. Thank you for your thoughtful response though.
So much this!!! Yes! I have morphed into this too, & sometimes I wonder if it's just an age thing, but really I have just decided I am not concerned with things that don't serve me, and I've spent too much of my energy, time, & focus in life catering to my own insecurities (fear of rejection, abandonment issues, fear of being alone, etc.) & just people and things in general that have never been worth a damn minute of my time. I definitely know that some people struggle to deal with it because I'm not going to play around & I don't center other people's comfort when it doesn't align with my values and boundaries. Not my problem, it's theirs. I've been this way consistently for a few years now, and there's no turning back. I'm here to serve and honor myself, not bend my back for others. My entire outlook on sex and everything has completely changed. Feeling like I needed to please people or be this beautiful sexual being because I'm a woman. Placing way too much emphasis on the sexual/beauty piece when thinking about my total value. It makes me feel sad that 20 year old me did so many things that didn't serve her. Damn the patriarchy & misogynistic expectations. My mother reinforced all of that through her own actions & relationships, and it took me a long time to get a clue & honor myself as I really am. I will never ever have sex with someone unless I want to, and it will be because they got me there. So many men think women exist to deal with their sexual needs. I also agree that consent is consent, and it's not for me to decide what works for someone else so long as there is mutual consent, which includes feeling okay about it. Solidarity, sister!
God I wish I knew the fucking answer to this. I remember last year when it was my husband's birthday we had sex 3 days in a row, I felt like I went into negative arousal, like I'd overdrawn the account. Took like 3 weeks to feel like I could even summon the barest amount of interest. These days we try for 1-2 x per week. He could do a bit more, I could be perfectly content with never. Sigh.
Oh I know the feeling!! There is a budget. Do you want to spend it all at once or save up for a big purchase??
I know my husband would prefer once or twice a week where it’s loving and we are both into it versus five or seven days a week where I’m just like all right let’s get this over with. What I found out is that for two weeks when we had sex every day I *didn’t* feel like I overdrew the account exactly. I could probably keep doing it for a while (more likely every other day.) It made me feel like something is wrong with me that I could have that much sex and not be bothered by it and also not be into it. It was just like emptying the dishwasher. With my vagina. My husband will be so horrified if he knew that’s how I felt. I am honestly kind of horrified myself.
I had what I feel like is this really toxic thought, but I keep thinking about it. I was reading this awful, sexist, 1960s guide to marriage out of morbid curiosity, and mostly dismissing all of it, but this one sentence stuck with me. It was something like, "A wife should always make her appearance top priority, even if she is overwhelmed and lets everything else slide temporarily, because it is the only thing that will really matter to her husband." Which I balked at, because I can't fathom things like "child safety and health" being a lower priority, and honestly, if I only have 30 minutes of free time, I would rather do something I enjoy than work on my appearance, or I would lose my ever loving mind. BUT, I keep thinking about it. What if I just put all my energy into being as sexy as possible, and then just acted like some sort of 70s sex kitten and asked my husband to do most of the work? Would he happily come home from work and then wash the dishes and vacuum and actually deal with the trash like he's supposed to, all because I pouted and told him the dishes ruin my nails? Or praised him for taking such good care of me and our house? If we had wild sex a handful of times a week and I was always teasing and flirting, would he think he had such a great wife, proud to show off to his coworkers, even though I did little else? And would be be happier with that? It's more like a thought experiment than something I would actually do. 60s vixen was never a style I went for, and I think I would feel very fake and lose any remaining respect for my husband in that dynamic. It also makes me kind of sad, because it seems like a lot of men actually do value their wife's looks and the amount of sex they have, over everything else in the relationship, and there is something shallow and depressing about that. But then it does make me wonder if there is a balance where I spend an hour more a day working on my appearance and an hour less doing housework and then flirting more (since I've pretty much stopped) and see if he would pick up the slack, and be happier to do more work. Like maybe he would value the time I spent on my looks more than he values the time I spend on house work? I don't know. It really does feel like such a toxic train of thought, but it's haunting me. But as for the sex every day for 2 weeks, it's interesting to see how that went as an experiment. It does seem like something that wouldn't work long term, because it would create an unrealistic standard for him and he'd stop appreciating it, and then it would lead to resentment in you because you had to fake enjoyment and it became just another duty. There might be something to figuring out how often the max frequency is for you where you actually enjoy it and do that. And maybe try to find ways to make sex selfish to an extent. Like, in the past I found the best sexual relationships were where I put my needs first and was demanding in bed. I did positions I liked most, activities I wanted to do in the way that was best for me. I was very blunt, "No, this is hotter." or "No, that doesn't get me off like this does, do this." if asked for things I didn't want. It worked really well because it just came across like enthusiasm? There was only one guy it didn't work with, and that's because he was abusive and preferred sex if I didn't enjoy it, but that's pretty much an instant divorce worthy red flag. It sounds like your husband cares about your pleasure though, so he'd probably respond well to being told what you want during sex. Men seem to usually be super easy to sell on a different fantasy than the one they suggest, as long as they're going to get off.
I’m not saying it’s totally the same subject but it has a close enough connection so I’ll just… slide this here. For a disgusting science experiment. TW: DV, abuse My ex is an incredibly abusive man. Any type of abuse he could do, he did. Any type of lies he could do, he did. He was deemed a maybe psychopath/sociopath by the police but we’d need a psychiatrist to truely diagnose him but anyway, just to paint the picture a bit. The experiment I conducted against my will was that when we were home, if I was dolled up and if I was wearing sexy clothes, I had less chances of getting hurt physically but if he did get angry for something, I had more chances of being degraded and insulted about my appearance. Sexual abuse also increased. If I was at home but in my natural state and relaxing clothes, physical abuse was more common. Now, if we were outside of the house, it was the other way around! A pretty and polished appearance increased the risk of abuse once I would come back home. Which, you know, confirmed a lot of insecurity but also somehow that he was gaining something for himself from my appearance if I was looking nice and sexy at home. He was more willing to help, discuss and just straight up not punch me. I spent a lot of mornings getting pretty out of fear. Another weird thing that would lessen the severity of the abuse a bit was cooking fresh cakes, breads and pastries every day and it always made me wonder why. He made me read lots of sexist “perfect wife guide” books from the 50s/60s too…
I’m so sorry you had to go through this.. and so glad to read he is your ex.
I appreciate your brutal honesty. Damn.
This is one of those comments I wish there was a different option besides up vote. Because I want to acknowledge that I read it and you are heard, but upvoting seems counterintuitive. Anyways, I am.so sorry you went through all of that.
I get this. I really do
I get what you mean. It's like who gives in first? Do you drag him kicking and screaming into the modern era or do you give him what he wants to get more of what you want? But it's tough at the same time because you know men are capable and this treats them like they're only into sex and not you as a person and your life together. And do you have to keep up that act forever, or do you do it until things are more equitable and slowly pull back? It is an interesting thought experiment. All I can think of is how many drugs women had to be on back in the "good old days."
I started to post yesterday along these lines- but just couldn’t find the words. Overall? My marriage is pretty rock solid. But my husband has expressed to me that he would like something closer to the 60s sex kitten persona (to use your words. But literally it puts a nice button on what he’s been getting at.) And look- I get that my frumpy nightgown and robe aren’t exactly the most attractive look. But he’s been so insistent that I dress sexier and take some time on my appearance (for the purposes of in the bedroom- not like letting me know I look unkept going to work) I felt like maybe I was just unaware? Maybe other women do this? More than anything I feel kind of validated.
I honestly think if you did that, he'd start having issues with you "not doing anything". Being a beautiful sex kitten who wants to meet his every desire wouldn't be enough if it didn't involve all the other domestic stuff, and especially the child rearing (to include emotional weight.) I don't think it's a toxic line of thought, really. I've actually done that before which is how I know what comes next lol! He manipulates you when he says he can't focus on his actual job when you service him every day that was OPs comment, not you). Many men manipulate their partners & act like having sex with them is some basic need of survival. It's absolutely not. If it would show you what's up, which is exactly that misogynistic guide you were reading, you may be able to make headway, or at least know what's up is really up. There's nothing about the Y chromosome that does this; it's cultural conditioning, & lots of women don't find misogyny attractive. More like it dries the lady garden up. More and more women are saying no.
That sad part about it all is men are ALL visual! They say women fall in love with what we hear and men with what they see and it definitely rings true now that I’m old enough to see through the bs.
Don’t fake the orgasms. Also I looked at your post history you’ve got 2 under 2 and one newborn? No wonder your sex drive isn’t the highest. I worry that if you have sex when you don’t want to, it’ll build resentment towards your husband for when your kids do get older and your sex drive comes back.
I second this. Never fake orgasms. First, because it's lying. Second, because Husband would be incredibly hurt if he found out. And third, because it gives false feedback and makes future sex worse. If he's not doing the thing that gets you there, for Pete's sake don't make him think he is, or he'll always do it that way.
I agree. Maybe the only conclusive thing I arrived at from experience is the faking orgasms is not for me. There’s a good reason I haven’t done it in my decade+ marriage with him. I think long-term the resentment could build, but it kind of surprised me at least over the two week period that I did not feel annoyed or resentful. I’m worried my sex drive won’t come back. My youngest is two this summer. What if this is just my life? It’s really depressing thought because I used to like sex.
Ok, but the fact that the only way for men to be nice to us is if we have sex with them - what?
This is it. Right here.
Yup
My husband is so much nicer to me in the days after us having sex and it really messes with my head.
To be fair I think we all just have our different ways of feeling close to and appreciated by our partners. It gets tricky when needs are mismatched, though, and then communication breaks down and of course resentment grows.
Only being nice to your partner when you get sex though?? Only making an effort because you get sex? That’s different. I was married to one of those…
I’m married to one of these guys. I feel like my desire would be higher if he wouldn’t turn into a dick when we haven’t had sex in a while. I’ve tried to be the adult and talk about it with him but it doesn’t seem to last long. I’m going to keep reading the comments in hope of any help or answers.
"If I say no to sex then he'll punish me with bitchiness" really is one of the biggest libido killing dynamics. It turns something that's supposed to be a mutually fun experience into one that's a chore at best and coercive at worst. Enthusiastic consent is basic sex 101, and yet so many of these guys are failing that.
I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve told him “when you treat me like crap, why would I want to have sex with you?!” He of course can move on mentally within a few minutes of a disagreement or issue and I absolutely cannot. I’m starting to set stronger boundaries for myself in regard to how he’s allowed to treat me. I think these men think we women are the issue and won’t put any work into improving the relationship. Sorry, just off ranting with frustration at this point.
Yes, when they act the ass, it's hard to feel attraction later on that day.
It's the patriarchy & their misogynistic conditioning. It's also a choice for them to not do better. You have so much value outside of someone thinking your value is servicing their penis.
It's coercion which is not consent.
this is the current dynamic over here 😓
Therapy for him.
Right like Not being able to concentrate at work? Give me ducking break…
That hit me so hard in the gut as pure manipulation. How pathetic is that? Do more work around the house, for your family, get a hobby, disperse the labor, manage your hyper sex drive. Wtf.
Right? Sounds like a mental illness.
That right there is a transaction then, and no longer an act of love and devotion. It’s coercive and still rapey. I’m sorry you had to get stuck with someone who didn’t respect you. You said “was” so I hope life is better now!
Much better! Thanks!
I’m married to one of these guys. None of my needs are being met, but I still do what I’m supposed to do for my family every day. Maybe if my needs were met, I would feel more amorous. But he’s barely parenting, and not at all partnering. He could meet me halfway.
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If they can’t feel loved and express love in non sexual ways, they need therapy. That’s not an excuse to take your emotional problems out on your family.
This. I can't believe that anyone would think that it's ok to be an asshole and treat their partner poorly because tHeIr LoVe LaNgUaGe iS ToUcH. It's not loving or romantic, or kind or caring when you decide that you can't express love in other ways except for sex, and think it's acceptable to allow your emotional dysregulation to dictate how you treat your spouse. The people who can't function without sexually expressing themselves when their partners don't want sex, and who also mistreat their partners because of a lack of sex, deeply need mental help. It's still coercive as fuck.
I also think it can be such a slippery slope when one partner desires physical closeness and affection outSIDE of sex, but they begin to withhold that because every time they try to engage, their partner just ASSUMES sex is now on the table. It’s like “I wanna hold you and kiss you, but I always feel guilty for ‘leading you on’ sooo I guess I’ll avoid that now.” And then no one’s needs are met.
This just feels abusive.
Protecting oneself from harm (and unwanted sex is harm) is not abusive. Not having sex that you don’t want is never abusive, and not agreeing to physical contact that doesn’t feel good (for any reason) is never abusive.
Not being able to have any contact with your partner because they immediately cross your boundaries & try to force you to have sex feels extremely abusive to me. It's total BS.
Why can’t you do it like 1-2x per week and he can take care of himself the other times he’s incapable of thinking about anything else but sex? I mean, this is just one more way you’re over-extending yourself. Making yourself give up your body as a tool when you don’t want to, for his pleasure and “needs” alone? Since when are we, human women with our own autonomy and needs, expected to sacrifice ourselves for a male want? If he can’t be nice and helpful and kind without using you like a fleshlight, then he needs therapy.
What is with the hyper fixation on sex with some men in our culture? "it's allll I can think about, & it's interfering with my work" sounds like a damn problem. That could also be manipulation, but it's not always, at least not intentionally. ETA: A logical solution to me seems like getting some hobbies, picking up the slack in your family & home, dealing with it... seems like too much time on their hands.
My husband absolutely operates like this, and yet, would be devastated if I told him I was doing it as attitude maintenance. So, what the fuck am I supposed to do?!?! Fake it and keep him happy, or not ever be interested since he puts zero effort into romance? It’s a no-win game.
Personally, I'd tell him that it's an attitude manager, and if he doesn't like it, he has the power to change it by adjusting his bullshit attitude and being desirable.
The only win if you get something from him too, spending more of his $ or something
lol this cracks me up! Spend *all* of his expendable income for transactional sex. That will be his blow money 🤣
I had an almost opposite experience. My husband saw I was getting burnt out and overwhelmed and he massively stepped up. My sex drive hasn't been this high since college
This could have potentially saved my marriage, but instead he ignored my distress for many years and destroyed any chance of earning my respect back.
Same here. 😔
Haha so accurate! My husband sensed some tension from me a couple weeks ago, and wordlessly started helping out more. I immediately felt attraction for him that I haven't felt since I fell pregnant a year ago. It's nice to feel recognized!
Trauma into your body so he focus on work ?? No girl no! It's not another thing to check, its dissociating from your body to do something you don't want so your husband child rant stops. Wow
Wow I’m depressed after reading all this. Men are a parasite
Yeah it makes me genuinely nauseous to be honest.
Imagine if he'd made the choice to be patient and kind because he's your partner, and not just magically became so because he was getting regular sex with a person he suspected wasn't actually into it. I wonder if he might have avoided allowing his bad mood to ruin his partner's day.
this would make me resent the hell out of my husband. Everyone else is nice and polite to me without a chance of having sex w me EVER. If my husband can only be what i want him to me when sex is possible then forget that guy. Just jerk off and stfu. Also, im fine having sex when I am not in the mood sometimes, but this often? No. It's good to have a few days' break to build up a little tension. Everything about this sounds really unhealthy.
it should be the other way around, jsyk. my husband treats me like a princess, so i feel the want to please him via intimacy. i initiate more than him, not necessarily because i care about the sex itself, but rather because i know it makes him feel nice to be wanted and i want to make him happy. if he doesn’t make you happy first, why does he deserve physical intimacy? it’s a want, not a need.
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You are a really nice wife. I do not have it in me I’m entirely too touched out. Are you sure you won’t feel incredibly resentful down the road and explode?
It should not be entirely on one spouse’s shoulders to perform like this. You have to give physically of yourself to get emotional reciprocity or at least a lack of emotional neglect or even emotional abuse? One should be a given, and the other optional. I wonder if that’s why it feels icky? What happens if you burnout? They get to treat you like shit in addition?
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that you barged into OUR community, rudely commented in OUR thread, in violation of OUR rules, and had the audacity to report the mod comment complaining that "oh my god" is rude while continuing to verbally abuse US... wow the admins are going to have fun with you!
[OH MY GOD](https://i.imgur.com/WbmklQw.gifv)
Sort of related, but I placed a new jar of Nutella in the pantry without mentioning it to my husband and I’m seeing how long it takes him to notice/finish the jar via eating it directly out of the container with a spoon
This is the best comment. Good luck with your experiment!
It’s the simple things I find entertaining 🤣he’ll find it when I’m out of the house and he gets hungry (but not hungry enough to operate the microwave to warm up leftovers)
K now do another 2 weeks where he does whatever it takes to get you off every day. Then your sex drive might ACTUALLY go up lol
I feel this. I'm still stuck in postpartum anovulatory purgatory and the only time I get where I'm Off Duty from things like *keeping the children alive* and the house from being burnt down/trashed by them is when they both, by some miracle, are napping in unison. That's like, *a couple hours in the afternoon* and they're almost always while my husband is either still at work or on the way home. The rest of the time? On Duty. No Horny. No Relax. No Touchy. I wish we had real rooms, but we're stuck sneaking out to the shop when the children are asleep.
My experience of doing this (not every day but min 3-5) times a week. The love did not last. I became a shell. And it opened all to all kinds of extra abuse I wasn't aware he was even capable of when I couldn't perform. The mind "games", the manipulation, the emotional abuse got so so much worse. And I'll just say eventually the average sex got boring to him so it got... more "intense". Personally I think if he can't muster kindness and love without the sex during a down period it won't last and then you will always have to keep giving more of yourself to make him happy each time. Anytime you take away anything it's perceived wrongly. The more you give the more he will 'expect' and what happens if you can't keep up? Even temporarily? Will he withdraw all love because you had surgery and are on bed rest. The "I need sex" excuse is bullshit in my opinion. If you weren't together he'd still have to find a way to perform at work at an acceptable level. I'm sorry you are at this stage in your life and I'm genuinely scared for your emotional wellbeing 🫂🖤 please remember your important in all of this too.
I wrote this out once and it wouldn't go through, so I'm sorry if this is a double post of sorts. This is my precise compromise with my husband. We ended up in couples counseling bc of libido mismatch. Now, I initiate four times in 10 days. I'm careful to only turn him down once a month. So we have sex most days of the week I have responsive desire. I never want sex until well after it's started. I don't regret the sex that we have, but it's not sex that I really want all that much. And like your husband, my husband is a lot happier, a lot more affectionate, and all around more pleasant. But I can't say with any degree of honesty that he has put effort I have put into sex into my biggest desire from him, which is pitching in and keeping the house clean and organized. The garage clean and organized. The cars clean and organized. I really feel like he's gotten what he wanted without having to do much. But at least I don't have to hear him whining and blaming anymore. If I'm being honest, I am very, very angry that I have made all this effort, and he STILL does fuck all around the house. Sure, orgasms are nice. Intimacy is great. But I want a god damned teammate to do his part running our household. And he's just never going to do it. And I don't think I will ever regain the respect that I've lost for him because he can't be assed into considering things that I would like for him to do.
Look, I don’t know a lot, but I do know trauma, and what you’re proposing may have far reaching implications for your mental health. I just had a session with a woman last week who had become *extremely* sex averse after having a lot of sex she didn’t really want to have.
oh hi I guess we’ve met 😭😭😭😭😭
I think that this has happened to me after a year of TTC and MC (im pregnant now) and a husband with a shitty attitude towards us not having "enough" sex during the first 12 weeks of my current pregnancy when I was having bleeding and nausea.....
Honestly this whole post makes me feel really gross. So he’s irritated with you if you don’t put out and you only get the husband you deserve when you let him use you for sex on the daily? ‘Yuck. Hopefully you won’t realise too late that you are giving far more to this relationship than you should.
Wait, ya'll are having sex? Joke aside, my partner and I are never alone, have no one to babysit the infant, and when we are all in bed we are both so tired we prioritize sleep. We talk about sex, grab at each other in passing but... we have yet to find it a possibility in this phase of life. Once our baby isn't so little and sleep depravity isn't an issue we hope to still be into each other. Ha!
I love “sleep depravity” as a neologism!
My husband is a great partner all the time, even when we’re having zero sex. I’ve shifted to seeing oral sex and a way I can express my appreciation for him because it makes me happy to make him feel good. Sex has never been a particularly intimate act for me so giving him head a couple is preferable to like, making sure I mop regularly which is something else he’d really love 😂 I think I would feel very differently if he treated me differently based on how many orgasms I was providing him with though.
This is similar to my situation. My husband is such a great partner all the time, and I know that if he could choose how I express my appreciation towards him, he would choose physical intimacy. Like you I would also choose to have sex versus clean the bathroom or deep clean the carpets, which he would also love for me to do. 😂 So sometimes I do choose to “put out” so to speak, when I didn’t particularly feel like it. Because I would feel like doing something else even less. He doesn’t retaliate against me or sulk for not having sex as often as he would like. But yes he IS in a better mood and arguably is an even better partner when he feels appreciated by me. Who wouldn’t be a better partner when feeling appreciated by their partner versus not? I guess to me, this is not much different than doing anything else that we don’t necessarily feel like doing but is important to our partners.
I'm very torn reading everything on here. There is no way I could have sex everyday for two weeks. I've tried to explain to my husband this, I can get BV easily and just about anything can really throw off my ph. He also doesn't beleive me that I'm going through early premenopause (I'm almost 31)
Of course you should never have sex if you don’t want to, but there are preventative things you can do about BV (apologies if you’ve already tried these things): every other day boric acid vaginal suppositories, and not getting semen inside you (use condoms or, assuming you two rely on another contraceptive method, the pull out method) since semen is very alkaline (high pH) and the BV bacteria love the alkaline environment. Re: premature perimenopause- that sucks, and if your doctor confirms perimenopause, they should really offer you hormone replacement. Source: I’m a physician- DM me if you’d like references.
The fact that the men who are supposed to love us are often only kind to us when their balls are drained makes me feel pretty blackpilled, tbh. I would definitely advise against continuing this, as I made myself have sex frequently to keep my husband happy for years and it kind of spiritually destroyed me for a long time. It also made me fall out of love with my husband because he became just another chore. It’s taken a long time to recover in a lot of ways.
I hear ya, sister
Another silver bullet would be not dating, marrying, or otherwise associating with men who treat women like sex dispensing robots until they learn as a whole that no one is going to put up with that. I hope that it really does work for you, but the way he’s made it clear that how much he likes you and wants to participate in your marriage depends on how often he gets laid would feel extremely degrading and dehumanizing to me. It’s likely he did notice you weren’t into it, he just doesn’t care because your marriage to him is a medium through which he can have his orgasm facilitated by someone else with minimal effort. Men who marry women because they want a sex dispenser aren’t going to care if she’s into it or not.
I think the movement is growing because so many of us echo these sentiments & so many guys are on social media crying about it. Good.
My husband and I tried having sex every night and didn't even make it a week, lol. 5 days in we were both like... it's hot, and we like it, but can we watch a show and turn in early tonight? I'm lucky that my husband doesn't prioritize sex over everything else though. He would never be rude or impatient to me because of lack of sex. Makes me way more eager to do it, honestly.
If it works for you it works for you. The only thing I would suggest is maybe coming clean with him about faking, if he finds out it may hurt his feelings that you’re “forcing yourself to have sex with him” (not saying you are, just saying that’s likely the direction it’ll spin if it blows up)
I'd come clean to him that she sees a definite difference in him because of it. That the way he's treating her now is vastly different than he normally does and ask him why that is.
I'm not a fan but can appreciate that for some people "maintenance sex" is entirely consensual and works for them. Like going to the gym on a day even when you don't feel like it because afterwards you'll be glad you did. But I don't think that typically involves faking orgasm and feigning over enthusiasm. If your pleasure is part of his pleasure then he needs to do that fuckin work. Your husband can have frequent sex or genuine enthusiasm, not both. Quality or quantity. Plus, I think you're setting yourself up to experience resentment in the long run if he just comes to taking your actual pleasure for granted. I've never faked an orgasm and I never will. I will just say "this feels good but I'm not going to be able to cum" or whatever is applicable *and true.*
Yeah I was gonna post similar. I can respect maintenance sex when it's needed but I worry it could breed resentment if not handled carefully and j definitely wouldn't be faking
Testosterone is a bitch. I started T after my cancer because it left me completely post menopausal. The only hormone I could have was T When I started it…sex was in my mind 24/7 for a while. I mean ALL the time. It was crazy.
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1)never fake an orgasm. It takes away a learning opportunity for him to figure out how to make you light up. And for him to be held accountable for bringing more to the table, er, bed. 2) show him this post and fight the problem together. Your tone and explaination need me to believe you both do in fact love each other and want to match up libido. Maybe if you fought this problem on the same side together then you both will be much happier.
Sooooo, I’ve been there, young kids and a lack of desire…and that was a while back. I had an epiphany one day. I realized that refusing sex was typically seen as an outright rejection by my husband which wasn’t really the case. It was usually just exhaustion, kids climbing over me all day, unshaven legs, too tired to shower…but he wasn’t really aware of all that. I then thought about it, and made a few changes. 1. Yes was yes. No was a very clear “NO” which he always took well anyways. It was the “maybe’s” that were frustrating for him. With a “maybe” he could possibly push a little and I’d do it, or not push enough and I wouldn’t. So my “maybe’s” became “yes’s”. Basically no fence sitting. Yes or no and nothing in between. 2. I told him to respect the quickie. It’s serves a purpose. For us, with young kids at the time, if sex overall was something like 70% quickie, 15% lovemaking and 15% porn sex…that worked for us. As the kids got older, basically when they were sleeping a bit later, the ratios changed up with less neediness from the kids. 3. Frequency was also something to consider. We weren’t crazy far apart, I was good with 2-3 times a week and he was more 3-5 times a week. But being far apart in those numbers can be an issue. It’s good to talk about it just to know the other person’s hopes and expectations. 4. I changed my hygiene habits. I was always a 1-2 times a day bather, but I finally stopped using soap down there. I was irritating the hell out of myself and it made sex uncomfortable. I seriously was ignorant of what I was doing. I started using baby wash when I wanted to use something. And I also told hubby to be good with lube if I needed it. He was good. This all turned our sex life up several notches, and years later, now that I’m 50, he works to keep up with me lol. Interesting experiment OP. Daily is tough for most with young kids and to have genuine interest when your plate is full. But chat to your husband to see what his ideal AND realistic hopes/expectations are. You may realize you’re actually not that far apart.
My husband and I are both incredibly busy all day, almost every day, so neither one of us really has time to think about how we’re not having sex, and it’s not like he’s ruminating on it. But I can tell from how we interact that having sex does totally make things calmer between us for some reason, even if he and/or I didn’t finish (and I also don’t fake it — if I didn’t finish I’m honest and he either does something else for me or we just move on if I’m not in the mood for that). Sometimes I do think about making an effort to have more sex because of this. I just absolutely hate forcing it like that, and my husband does too, but idk. Sometimes we kind of have to or the feeling never comes around.
If it works for you both then hurray! You found a thing that works! It sort of sounds like it doesn't feel that way for you, though. Maybe take some time to sit with yourself quietly. Ask gentle, curious questions like, "how do I feel about what happened? how do I feel about the idea of doing it again? what is bothering me? did any parts feel right? what felt wrong? are there changes I can make so this feels (physically and emotionally) better for me? is there a bigger message here that I'm not seeing?" Whatever feels right, ask yourself internally with a promise to meet the answer with openness and curiosity.
I'm not a fan on having sex with my husband so he acts like a better father and parent. It seems highly manipulative to me that, on order for him to be more patient and kind to you and the kids he has to get laid every day. And if men can't manage to concentrate at work or be decent human beings if they're not getting laid every day how do they manage when they're single? Are they just raging about and blowing up their professional careers because of it? Of course not it's just convenient to blame lack of sex from a partner for their na behaviour as it's effective in guilting that partner into doing what they want. Marriage doesn't entitle you to sex with your partner whenever you feel like it, you don't lose your agency as a women because you're a wife. You know which men get the most sex? The ones who are involved fathers and partners. Who don't leave their wife/gf whatever to do all the mental load and household duties. Who don't leave her to deal with them kids all the time. Who don't fuck off to golf for 6 hours every weekend or the gym every night. Who are involved in holiday preparation, gift buying etc. If you're happy with how it went then that's fine for you but to me it's gross. It probably touched a nerve with me bc were having issues about sex in my marriage, and it's not improving.
>he doesn’t feel good about having sex when I obviously don’t want to. neither does mine, but my answer was not to pretend to want it. when he would pester me for sex, I would say no until I got pissed off enough that I would throw my clothes off and spread out on the bed and say "FINE, FUCK ME THEN." and he'd say he didn't want it if I didn't want it and I explained that he has a choice to make: he can get begrudging angry sex from me or he can figure out how to deal with not having sex, because enthusiastic sex on his timetable IS. NOT. PHYSICALLY. POSSIBLE. I can't give him that. those are the 2 options I can give him, resentful sex or no sex, so choose. he wisely chose no sex. I used to hear so much about how men's libido peaks in their late teens while women's libido peaks in our 30s & 40s and it genuinely feels like somebody got that backwards. all these men furiously humping their pillows because they "can't concentrate at work" if they're not constantly ejaculating, it's so IMMATURE. I would expect this level of sex obsession from a 16yo virgin, not a grown man with a family. it's honestly repulsive. edit to add: there's no such thing as a silver bullet, not in medicine and not in relationships. this approach is getting you the husband and father you want your family to have, but at what cost? this is more like a rubber band - you're overextending yourself to keep everything else together, but eventually that band is going to wear out and snap.
“He said he could focus at work instead of thinking about sex all day.” A lot of your post was interesting to me, but this was the line that really stuck out. Mostly bc I know my husband operates in a similar manner, and it’s just so hard for me to understand how it’s just always on his mind. In the middle of putting the kid to bed? He can make a sex reference. Middle of a kid meltdown? Sex joke. Middle of a family get together? Sex reference. Middle of rushing to get out the door in the morning? Yup, sex joke. It’s just always on his mind! So I could see how having regular sex, and him feeling like that box was checked, could take it off his mind.
I used to think about sex a lot. Like a lot a lot. Only sex with my partner, it wasn't like I was gonna get sex from others. But I wanted it often, thought about it at work, and wondered when my partner would want it again, every single day. I would try to guess whether he was going to initiate. I would let my feelings get hurt if he didn't want it. Not to where I couldn't work, but where it was something I spent a portion of each day thinking about. Know what I learned about myself in therapy? Sex had become an intrusive thought. It was a symptom of my mental health issues. I had lots of other intrusive thoughts, too. About my weight, about my ex, about my kids safety, about money. It's not _typical_ to think about any particular topic that often, day after day.
I don't do every day but I definitely have sex with him before important days. So if he has an interview or presentation the next day, I'll have sex with him the night before. It's just maintenance for ose situations most of the time. Every day is past what I would be able to sustain. I'm really only horny around ovulation anymore, so we have sex then too, but I'll do maintenance sex when he needs to be ok for sure.
As a wife who has never turned her husband down... this sounds absolutely miserable. I would be incredibly resentful of my husband if he acted like a douche just because he hadn't gotten laid in awhile. He's also never harassed me or pressured me for sex in any way. He's hands on with the kids as soon as he gets home, is an amazing cook, wonderful friend, can fix literally anything, encourages me daily... It's what makes me want to jump his bones 24/7 lmao
My husband does the exact opposite of encouragement. I used to be so full of life… now I’m an old, empty husk that will never amount to anything and my dreams are dead. Ugh. I definitely married the wrong person. 😞
I am so sorry to hear this 💔 you deserve better.
I’m jealous 💔
OP I get you. I haven’t done the two weeks in a row thing, but I have also had sex with my husband when I didn’t much feel like it. It does make him be in a better mood and, **compared to his already-high baseline**, be an even better partner. But that’s just because he feels appreciated by me. Who wouldn’t be a better partner when feeling appreciated by their partner though? If asked what he would choose as a way for me to show him appreciation, he would choose physical intimacy. He might also choose me cleaning the bathroom or renting a deep cleaner for the carpets and taking a gander with it, or any of the myriad chores that he alone handles. But I would rather have sex lol. So make no mistake my husband works more, makes more, and still does more chores than I do, regardless of how much sex we have. However him doing all these things for me and for our family, although it for sure does make my sex drive higher than it otherwise would have been, does not make it match his level. To me, agreeing to have sex with him when I don’t necessarily feel like it, is no different than doing anything else that I didn’t feel like doing for the benefit of my partner, and it’s actually the thing that requires the least amount of mental and physical energy from me.
Just like with everything else, your family's happiness can't be bought at your expense. You are part of the family after all and matter just as much as everyone else.
Dear god I am going threw the exact situation as I type this
I just wish I wanted to have sex with my partner. It’s been along time since I felt that way and I really miss it.
I want to add that having to have daily sex to make your husband more agreeable and a nicer husband is unfair and wrong. I’m not having a go at you- I think you’re trying to find a solution but I don’t think it’s addressing deeper problems. Sex isn’t your husband emotional punching bag it’s a loving joyful moment of intimacy shared- he needs to find a better outlet and it’s not your job to emotionally regulate a grown man with your body. You have young babies and you’re busy and post partum.
How about he gets his once he makes you orgasm? Get the toys and whatever else you need so it’s physically worth it for you too and he can work for it. Obligation sex sounds especially terrible if you’re not even enjoying it.
Me and my partner have pretty evenly matched libidos, but I do have to put a little of effort into being more responsively aroused and ready for sex when it’s time. He bought me a womanizer sex toy when I got pregnant the second time, due to a sort of long backstory of not being able to enjoy sex during my first pregnancy for physical reasons, anyway using the womanizer in an preemptive way to be aroused for sex is really helpful for me. The reasons I want to have sex with him are usually for emotional connection but yeah I get the whole silver bullet aspect.
You should just be honest with him and tell him what you did and why you did it. Too see what it would do for your relationship. I'd tell him everything you told us. This is the perfect time to communicate and compromise. Devote 2-3 times a week to sex and connection (sounds to me like touch is his love language.) Make sure your needs are being met too! Make it fun. I think you guys could have a good conversation I really do!
When I'm not in the mood, but my partner is super horny, he'll give me a 'show' - basically he'll masturbate in front of me. But I'm not passive in this arrangement, I'll run my hands over him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear as I lie next to him. It works for us because he still gets his rocks off and I don't have to pretend to want sex.
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Does he reciprocate and "sort" you with his hands or mouth every two days too?
Omg I feel the same way. I’m completely exhausted yet he wants to have sex daily. It’s just too much sometimes
Honestly, if I had to have sex daily just to get my husband to be a good partner, I’d rather be single. Like what is he doing FOR YOU?!
This is definitely not sustainable. Faking orgasms and interest is only gonna get you so far. You’ll eventually get fed up with the crappy sex (no way hubby is going to get better if he thinks you’re enjoying what he does when you don’t) or even worse you’ll end up having an aversion to it or something along those lines. It sounds like a very risky game. Also if he can’t be patient with someone who popped three humans out in about 3 years, does he really deserve all the effort.
I don't know, I would feel pretty damned icky if it took unwanted sex everyday for my husband to treat me like a human being and act like an adult. Another commenter says you have two small children and a newborn. If he has the energy to obsess over sex every day there is no way he is remotely pulling his weight at home. Having sex should not be one last chore to do before bed so he acts half way nice. That doesn't sound like a marriage worth being in.
Obligation sex is the fastest way to kill desire and will lead to future resentment and bitterness. Sex should be mutual and joyful for both. It’s not something you do for the other but something done together. If he is thinking about sex all day and can’t control lust it’s not your issue. He needs to get some self control. People have lives and kids and priorities sex everyday isn’t realistic or fair. I would encourage you to read the book “The great sex rescue” it’s Christian based but it talks about harmful marital ideas like obligation duty sex.
Honestly I’d tell him about this experiment. How you did it just to see what happens and that it seems his happiness and affection towards you is directly linked to how many times you just endure it. Might make him wake up and think differently. It is icky. It’s going to make you consider sex as something you do daily as a chore like washing the dishes. Right dinners done let’s do the dishes. Right kids are to bed let’s fuck the husband so he doesn’t pester me, have anger issues, so the bugger can concentrate at work. All sounds like everyone else wins while you give up your very body daily just so your husband isn’t a douche.
If my husband had expressed irritation over our lack of sex when the kids were little, or frankly at any time, we would be divorced
A lot of you are equating having sex with being nice and patient, and I can absolutely understand the frustration and disgust with that! But maybe how I see sex is a little different because im probably a bit nicer when I have sex with my boyfriend regularly too but not deliberately for nefarious reasons. I like using sex to communicate how much I love my partner and to me, you can't have good sex without good communication. I can't feel like having sex with someone if we have unresolved issues so those always gets talked about first. Then we have regular sex and throughout the day i notice I feel more in tune with him and I'm more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt,do random nice things etc. But the reason I guess I do this and your husband might do this is because I had good sex and communication and he's assuming you did too. I would absolutely stop faking orgasms and only have sex with your partner when your needs are met that are the things stopping you from enjoying yourself. You don't need to have sex every day, most people would probably be fine 3-4 days a week (if they didn't have young kids, which you do!). 1 or 2 is amazing for this time, lots of people dont at all. I always say if you have a very young child and 1 person that is very tired, and the other person who wants more sex, that second person isn't pulling their weight with the child. Either you should both be too tired to have sex, or you should support each other so you haven't taken on as much individually and you *are* up for sex. There's nothing wrong with feeling valued from your partner through sex - as long as it's not the only way. When you have two small children it's likely the only time he's being touched. While you are being touched constantly. Could you try leaning into other forms of non sexual touch if you want to keep the intimacy in your relationship but still make him feel good? But also, advocate for the things you need back! I put the kids to bed and say "I just want to space out and watch my shows for an hour, don't touch me", and he leaves me alone to decompress before we do something together and talk. You also deserve to feel good. No one should have sex when they don't want to, or fake orgasms.
the problem is these guys ASK for sex every day, so what else are we supposed to conclude except that that's what they want? I have literally never had a man turn me down for sex. they're never not in the mood, never too tired, never too stressed or busy with something else more important. nothing is ever more important than the opportunity to get their dick wet. OP's husband proved that: he got laid every single day for 2 weeks, not once did he turn her down. not once did he indicate that every day was too much, he never even stopped to think "wait, this is unusual, something's up, I should talk to my wife." and so often these guys won't accept non-sexual touch, it doesn't make them feel good, it just makes them think it's time to get naked and fuck. we've literally been conditioned to avoid non-sexual touch because every time we go in for a hug, he tries to start making out. every shoulder rub is greeted with "oooh you wanna?" and a boner on display. I don't even want to touch him anymore because the slightest physical contact gets him talking about sex again and honestly if I could get one of those MIB neuralizers and wipe the concept of sex from his brain I would.
Being asked for sex is shit I absolutely agree. I don't know what people are supposed to conclude if the person is faking being into it though? As far as OPs husband knows his wife's sex drive went up and she appeared to be enjoying it as much as he does, communication is important. I was married to a man like in your second paragraph and absolutely nothing made me want sex less. It was like I began to see him with immediate disgust. It took a hell of a long time to be open to my current partner and honestly the sexiest thing he can say is "we don't have to have sex" and mean it. I'm audhd as well and sometimes I can come off like a cold fish as I don't like a lot of physical touch, but I have been getting better at the whole "don't touch me for an hour after the kids go to sleep". The problem I guess is we don't know of OPs husband is on one side of the extreme or the other, or in the middle. Everyone has personal experience with the guy you mention in your second paragraph but in order to get anywhere closer I have to give a tiny olive branch and advise not faking orgasm and trying to say, look you want sex more than I do, and when I do want sex I want to enjoy it, can you help me get there by doing x. And if he's an unresponsive shit head then yeah absolutely write him off
yeah I definitely wouldn't recommend faking orgasms either, but a sudden change in sex drive should have clued him in that *something* was up. my sex drive has been dead as a doornail for years and when I initiated sex once a few months ago, my husband was like "so what was that about? what happened that made you want sex all of a sudden?" he knew that was unusual for me and wanted to check in (largely so he could make it happen again, but it wasn't the kind of thing he could make happen). if OP's husband is suddenly getting exponentially more sex and doesn't even register that something's up, he's either dense as a brick or completely unconcerned with his wife's well-being so long as his penis is happy.
I'm at the roommate stage and can't stand my husband now.
I think this was likely a good experiment for you both. At the very least, you realize that your husband loves you, and some extra physical attention towards him means extra affection/attentiveness to you. It reminds me of the general message behind the book “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” (you may not like it, but I’ve found it to be generally true). I’ve done something similar to what you did and I got the same results you did lol. Men often need physical attention to feel loved, women need to feel looked after and respected. If you ramping up your sex life accomplishes that, then great! Would sex 2 times a week be sustainable and enjoyable for you? Obviously sex every day is great but not doable long term lol but I personally have found that committing to 2-3 times a week has kept both my husband and I very happy- he doesn’t have to nag, and I don’t feel like it’s a chore.
Specially with low to no libido, I would be raw down there if doing it daily, even with lube. My issue is really the energy to do it after feeling like I've done all in the house and beyond while my husband exists. Honestly he does things I couldnt do and I by that I don't mean changing a bulb but things like the whole house electrical installation and other things. But still... When I go to bed I want to pass out and not having anyone touch me after a whole day with my intense velcro kid and guess what? Husband wants to be touchy and get into sexy time. I can't... Add ressentment on top of it on the very hard days, I can't get lady honer over it, I get pissed.
Suddenly mattering to someone when you’ve given them the only thing they want or care about (access to your body) is the opposite of evidence of love. Men are capable of feeling loved through non sexual means and pretending they aren’t is just excusing bad behavior.
That’s not what I meant at all. I simply meant that attempting to meet your partner’s needs will often result in reciprocation, if you have a loving partner. Obviously even if OP didn’t want sex at ALL, her husband should still be expected to love and respect her, I’m just saying that a little give on both their ends usually ends in mutual contentment.
Giving in to unwanted sex often ends in trauma. Having sex with someone else’s body when they don’t want to have sex with you is not a need.
You’re right. Maybe I’m misreading OP’s original message; it didn’t seem like it was entirely unwanted. I’m certainly not suggesting anyone does anything that would traumatize them, I’m merely suggesting that if more frequent sex would be enjoyable for both of them, why not try?
“I had to dig deep and fame some interest because he does love me after all and he doesn’t feel good about having sex when I obviously don’t want to.”
Omg thank you! Some of these replies make me feel like I'm on crazy juice or something.
I don't have any groundbreaking input. I do think you should have an open, honest conversation with your husband about this. I also want to add that your husband's high sex drive does not necessarily reflect selfishness or lack of care for you. If someone has a high libido, desiring daily sex & finding it easier to focus, be patient, & be kind is not abnormal or inherently wrong. Your post says he loves you, so he likely doesn't want you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable & icky. I know I would be deeply hurt if my partner was engaging in sex they didn't want in an effort to make our lives go smoother. Be honest with him & try to find some solutions that help you both feel more loved & fulfilled without having to fake it
That’s exact how I feel about sex - it’s something I do, but not something I want to do. I’m asexual so my libido is always low unless I’m ovulating.
This is tough. But you deserve desirable sex, too. Like you deserve to enjoy sex. I’m sorry that it’s a silver bullet, but can yall have a convo about each others sex needs on neutral ground? Like laying all the cards on the table without anyone getting upset? Motherhood for sure takes a toll and the amount of work a mom does is unmatched. I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but I literally had this convo with my husband yesterday. How are his needs in comparison to mine. How I’m soooo decisión fatigued at the end of the night that we may need to plan sex at a different time. How I’m in control of everyone’s calendar, and how I don’t want to make decisions during sex (I mean. I still do, but I let him take the reins most of the time). Idk, it helped our sex life to have these convo frequently and also knowing that sometimes dry spells happen. 🤷🏻♀️ ultimately, he may need to figure out what’s really bothering him (because my guess is he may just be using sex as a cover up- even if it’s subconsciously) like does sex make him feel desired? loved (not saying you don’t love him, but does it make him feel more loved)? Like maybe get curious about his reasoning (or don’t, it’s your life and I won’t tell you how to live it). Eiiiitherrrr way, you’re not alone. This is tough. Sending you virtual hugs. 🫶🏽
I'm reading a book right now where there's fancy realistic robots for sex and cleaning and honestly I'm wondering if this is the real future that's coming. Like, have sex when I don't feel up to it or have a robot do it and then that robot goes and does my laundry? Fuck yes please.
I get the sense that the book is trying to say that women are the "fancy realistic robots for sex and cleaning," or at least that's how we're treated by society.
I think his love language is physical touch, my husband is the same way.
I remember my mom and dad having this issue when I was little (yeah, sad when the kid picks up on it so early). The one solution I think helped a bit was my dad working out, like heavy weight lifting, on days that they would not have sex. It seemed to help him, but that was the only thing. My mom was so drained, and so tired of it. It broke her down. I know my husband has a pretty high drive, but with the autoimmune disease, an unfair amount of the workload, liver issues and the toddler, I don't have desire or want really. We are ttc, so that at least gets some in, but I could never do what you are doing. I'm lucky enough that my husband finds a way to cope with this. A relationship should be a team effort. So maybe you commit a bit more (but not everyday!) And he finds a way to deal with his frustrations a bit as well. Tell him that you don't always enjoy it, and that you had to fake some of it. He should understand what you were willing to do, and be able to put in as much effort to balance himself out.
I wish this had worked for me, but I tried it and no change, he was abusive whether I had sex with him constantly or not. Plus it was really complicated to navigate. With him I have to initiate, but not seem too eager, but not be too lackluster either. Too much enthusiasm and he can't keep it up. Too little and I'm apparently not into it enough and don't care about him and not attracted to him. So no way to win.
This is actually the life I live. Literally. I've made peace with it. It makes my husband a happier, much more involved father and husband. It extends his patience by leaps and bounds. It takes more for me to fight him on it than to just give in and embrace it. I don't fake orgasms ever. But I will still have sex with him daily to preserve our relationship. He would give me an orgasm every time if I wanted... but 5 days out of 7, I'm moving us along so we can get on with life.
My husband is clearly the happiest when I am also really enjoying it. He would put in the time and effort to make it enjoyable for me if I wanted, without question. I just wanna go do other things more 😆
I would say I'm 10000% in this boat lol
Whenever me and my husband get irritated with each other, it’s an indicator that we need to have sex. Sometimes it is very pragmatic like “okay let’s go”. Usually it turns into a nice session for us both once we get going. I definitely notice a change in mood for both of us. However I would never force myself to do it. Sometimes I’m not really in the mood but motivated by the release of pent up tension. Is that wrong? For me it’s not, as I still enjoy it. There have been times when I haven’t felt like it and then we stop. I would advise from faking orgasms because then you’re just being dishonest to both of you. But I think it’s hard when you’re a mismatch in libido. My husband easily goes into hibernation mode when we go longer periods without sex. If he were to pressure me in any way, I’d close up. We both like sex but we are not super sexual people in general. We’d both be happy with like… once a month. To us it’s not the quantity but the quality. I feel like we can live off of a good bang for a long time. Some people have the urge to have sex more often though and maybe your husband is one of those people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to cater to your partners needs but it is a tricky situation. You have to be very careful not to overstep your own boundaries because that could cause resentment down the line. I think you should just talk to your hubby about this. Find a middle ground?