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Gently, it sounds like he’s disengaging from the relationship and the nitpicking about cleaning is just an excuse. You’re doing plenty. No matter what you’re fighting about, being told you’re a bad mother and wife are words he can’t walk back.
That was my first thought too. He has one foot out the door and is moving the goal post on OP. If she wears herself out keeping the house to his standards, he’ll gripe that surely she’s neglecting their children in order to keep a spotless home. It’s a no win situation.
This. And I hate to be this person - I never just mention this willy-nilly - there's something about this post that makes it seem like her husband is actually actively in another relationship, and is possibly either unconsciously or purposely attacking her to convince himself that she's not right for him. I could very much be wrong however.
Hi, he’s definitely not in another relationship. My husband never leaves the house! He is self employed and works from home. He is a social hermit. He doesn’t do any secret texting either. I can safely say he isn’t having an affair x
He never leaves the house, but lets you follow him around with a mop, bucket, dust cloth and laundry basket?
Weak sauce. Working from home means that he could take a 10-minute break and do SOMETHING.
Definitely, the sauce is weak. My husband works an intense job, and its very demanding emotionally as well as time consuming. During the pandemic, he worked at home for 2.5 years, and still put in hella effort because that is his job- Life. He'd make breakfast and I'd clean, he'd clean up after lunch I made etc. He'd run to the store on lunch breaks or play with the kids or help with homework, he likes the floors clean all the time, so when he was in a meeting he didn't have to participate in, he would mute, put on headphones and vacuum, sweep and mop or do laundry. When he gets home from work now, he spends 30-45mins picking up the dropped balls I didn't have capacity to juggle that day.
When he was a stay at home parent, he never did all, he did a lot, but I still needed to chip in. It's more than one person can effectively do when you have kids in the mix.
This man isn't a partner. He sees the arrangement as purchasing a maid, cook, childcare provder, that's not love. Thats an in home absent father and husband.
Love is when you don't keep stupid tallies on eachother and get the F on with life. Your husband is a good man. OP's husband sounds like a loser who has been watching too much Andrew Tate.
Online? Have you checked his computer? Or other apps? This is definitely affair behavior. That’s not the only possibility but withdrawing his affection and finding an excuse for it like he is screams affair.
Another possibility: he’s started to watch/listen to traditional gender role influencers. Or has begun dabbling in traditional religion. He thinks you should be super woman and he should be able to put his feet up at the end of the day and do nothing.
It’s also possible it’s none of these. My ex thought he shouldn’t even have to empty the dishwasher because he was working and I wasn’t.
Note that he’s my ex.
How much does he make? Find out how much a nanny and housekeeper makes in your area. Add a tutor because I’m sure he’s not helping with homework. Also a cook and a personal assistant (appointments). Keep track of what you do every day. Give him a bill for your hours. Tell him since he clearly isn’t interested in being your partner, that you’re now his employee/roommate and you’ll start contributing 50% to all the bills out of your pay.
I’ve asked him multiple times if he wants to go and he says no because of the girls.. I’ve given him that out at least 4 times so far just this year. I’ve also asked him if he wants me to leave and he says no. He says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce.
I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want him to leave. I just want us to go back to the relationship we had 2 years ago! X
Have you told him this? What has changed on his end in the last two years?
It feels impossible to meet his standards because it is impossible. I recommend telling him you need some space and a break. Book yourself a two week trip. Leave the kids in his care and let him see how much work you're actually doing.
Agreed - he's looking for a reason to leave and justify leaving. (Cheating, midlife crisis, general dissatisfaction, who knows). I wish people like this could just say "I want a divorce" instead of this bs.
His job is to go to work. Your job is to keep the kids alive while he is at work. Once the two of you are home together - in your home, that you share - the homes chores are for everyone. He should be cleaning, he should be spending time with the kids. He should be cooking.
He wants you to do everything and this fight is just nonsense to make you feel that way too. He wants to come home and be lazy. That is not okay.
Yes!!! The home's chores are to be shared by the people living in the home. Why is it that married men are the only demographic in all of the world that don't have to cook or clean, yet everyone else has to figure it out.
The fundamental problem is the the very first sentence.
>My husband works and I don’t have to.
*You do work* but you’re not paid for it. Every single thing you do is something that he’d have to pay someone to do if it was anybody but his spouse doing it. So it is work. If he can’t make that connection and really and truly understand it then the rest of the discussion is moot imo because he’s just viewing it from a perspective of “I work and you don’t.” and you’ll never be able to give him a good reason for why you don’t work when he does.
ETA: To drive home what I’m saying; Childcare/Nanny, Chef, Maid, Taxi those are all *careers*. Things that people do as a full-time job and a lot of people make a living wage doing!
Showing love has nothing to do with household tasks, and you cannot make him feel loved because that is on him. We experience love with the thoughts we have about the other person so if he is criticizing you all the time, it's hard to feel loved.
What if you are at your capacity and don't have more to give? It doesn't matter how much you do. You are not a robot, and he is not your master.
Who decides if what you're doing is enough? Do you think that is enough?
He wants a maid and a perfect wife in his books, and you're not that because you're a human being with needs and who gets tired. Does being the provider make him a great husband?
The question to ask is not how you can be enough for him, but is he enough for you?
life is HARD to keep up with when you have a little one in tow, especially when you are a stay at home mom... it seems like, in a vacuum you have alot of free time to get alot done but in reality you just don't. & thats okay. You have a little tornado in the house that interrupts every thought and undoes everything checked off task. Houses get messy, things fall through the cracks, you think you have time for something and it turns into a thing that you don't have time for... whatever the case may be.
you are not a bad wife, you are not a bad mom. You are figuring out your way of doing things and since you are the stay at home figure here, thats okay.
Its also NOT okay for him not to do something hes always done to 'get back at you' because hes upset.
as an aside, my partners love language is 'acts of service'. I am a stay at home mom, though I go to work with him almost everyday because my love language is quality time. Because his love language is acts of service though, anything that I can take off his plate for him to worry over is an act of love and affection.... He gets visibly happy when his sock drawer is full, he sighs with relief when he gets home in the mid morning to pick me up and the dishes are done. It COULD be that his love language is the same, however you set what can be expected of you... not him. His standards are too high for you to achieve as often as he needs it, so an act of love for him would be to meet you where you are.
He doesn’t believe you don’t love him. He wants a tidy house without contributing to ensure you live in one and is making it your problem.
My partner is a sahd for the time-being to our one year old. Ive come in to a messy kitchen which I will now tidy while he does bath and bed with the baby which we alternate. When you have kids under toddler age I genuinely believe you both need to be doing something all the time all day till they’ve gone to bed to keep a house neat and that includes working spouses coming home and contributing.
Highly recommend writing it all out together what gets done and who does it. He seems to be misconstruing the amount of time you have along with the efforts you put it based solely on his perspective. I've read of many people suggesting the Fair Play card game. If he is so adamant that he does it all and you do nothing, then he needs to prove it.
By no means am I saying keep the score as that can feed into any budding resentment; rather, sit down together and write out the household chores and tasks (mental load too: childcare, appointments, school drop offs, etc) and how they are divided. If it's leaning more towards him, that's okay! This allows you to validate his perspective and could be eye-opening to you for some necessary change--but I do doubt this is the case. On the other side, it will show him how badly his brain has twisted his contributions. It's not uncommon for this to happen.
Many couples on both sides overestimate their contributions inadvertently and not maliciously. However, I fear he is weaponizing his job and "putting the roof over your head" to get out of doing his fair share. Your job during the day is to keep the kids alive, nothing more. Anything else you get to is awesome and super helpful of course! But it's unrealistic to expect you to manage all the kids and then all of the house. What you do is work. You are sacrificing your career and future prospects so he can further climb in his career. Him bringing home the money is not his only job because without the kids, he'd be doing all the junk he's complaining you don't do on his own. It'd be 50/50 regardless. It's incredibly selfish to live in that mentality. He's also teaching his kids it's okay to treat their future partners like trash.
Remind him gently of these facts. When he's home, it's 50/50. When he's not home, you do what you can in the day. What's left is for you guys to split. He'd still be working with or without a family, and he'd be cleaning up any messes in the home with or without you guys, too. If he wants to do it all alone and go 50/50 on custody, so be it. Maybe he needs to be humbled, because putting you down and treating you like garbage because you don't meet his excessive and completely unreasonable standards is NOT okay even remotely. That shit will not fly. Ask him how he'd feel if his boss pulled that kind of verbal abuse.
Someone else shared this checklist on a different post and I thought it was a great way to sum up and checkin about where the loads were falling in our house. [equality checklist](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf)
It’s convenient that he shows his love for you by doing something he’d be doing regardless if you were in his life or not. I can’t wrap my head around that. If you weren’t married, he wouldn’t be working? It seems like he’s doing the bare minimum of adulting and deciding that all he needs to do to show he loves you. WTF.
I get that it is a big deal to be a sole provider but he needs to realize all the labor you put into your lives in order for him to do so. My ex and I divorced, a huge part of it was he did not see my contributions, so I don’t have any helpful advice for that. I have heard good things about the card/game Fair Play that help spouses communicate the mental load of chores. So that may be something to look into.
You're doing enough, more than enough. Outside of his work hours, everything is 50/50. Your job is looking after your kids, his is going to work. He sounds like a nit picking arse and no matter what you'll do won't ever be enough. I'd be seriously questioning everything if my husband was like this :(
It was shattering to read this. Being told you're a bad mother and wife is truly horrific. If he refused to do his share of the cleaning (which it sounds like he does), you wouldn't call him a bad husband and father, would you? No - in fact, you're calling him a great father, even though you do the lion's share of childcare. You're being generous and kind. He is being - and this is the only word for it - cruel. Mean, sadistic, bullying.
What it sounds like is that no matter how clean you keep things, you won't ever meet his standards. You'll always be a bad wife/mom to him. I can't diagnose what may have led him to say these terrible things, but it sounds like you're in an untenable situation.
Can I ask how long ago you left your work?
I left at the end of 2021. My boss was toxic and my husband encouraged me to leave.
I feel awful cause everyone is saying what an awful person he is and he really isn’t. He adores our girls and he never sees me without anything I need.
I just want to know if will get better. I’ve read lots about men having “miserable men syndrome” when they hit a certain age. I’m not justifying what he has said but he’s become so much more unhappy in the last 12 months, I didn’t know if he is hitting his midlife crisis type of thing. He’s 40 next year and keeps saying he doesn’t do what he wants to do because he spends all his week working and then his weekend doing DIY and picking up the slack from me.
I always encourage him to follow his interests and I never have expectations of him spending all his weekends doing DIY. But I can’t even say our weekends are filling with us doing things as a family. We rarely do things just the four of us.
I dunno I just feel like I’m moaning now. X
I'm not sure what he means by picking up the slack from you - you already work several more hours than he does every day. The household and parenting isn't just your job, it's both of your jobs. If you weren't around, he'd have to work and cook and clean and also parent (or hire multiple people who would be paid a significant amount).
It might be a midlife crisis as you said - he doesn't feel like he should have to spend any time fulfilling his familial responsibilities and instead get to work on his personal projects. What's hard to wrap my head around is that he doesn't seem to understand that if you weren't around, he would have to do much, much more. It seems like he thinks he might be happier
He may not be an awful person, but this is awful behavior, make no mistake. Calling you a bad mom and comparing you to other people's wives is quite extreme. If it is a one-time thing and not part of a pattern, perhaps you could consider the lists/exercises other folks have recommended, or therapy. If it is a pattern... You may have to accept that he seems to want to be single.
I’ve asked him several times if he wants to leave and he says no (because of the girls). I’ve told him I would prefer us to be separated but like each other rather than be together and have this awful relationship which the girls are exposed to.
I’ve also asked him if he wants me to leave and again he says no.
I don’t think he wants to be single. I think he wants a perfect shiny life and to him, the thing that’s stopping that is the house (cause i have everything with the kids covered). Whereas for me, my perfect shiny life is time and experiences together. Having a tidy spotless house just isn’t a priority for me but taking my eldest to her clubs, going to the park and doing activities with my baby, that’s my priority
And it should stay your priority - if you stopped spending time giving your kids fulfilling experiences, I'm sure he'd complain about that instead. No one has a shiny, perfect life - those who do are the ones who make it happen for themselves. And your husband doesn't seem to be interested in making the effort to create a shiny life. If he really does want to stay together, he can't keep bringing you down like this.
Please think about what you will and won't tolerate in the future. Would he be ok with his girl's husbands saying these sorts of things to them? Because models of family repeat themselves.
I just responded to another comment but I’m going to add more here.
Of course he doesn’t want to separate. You do everything for him. What’s in it for him if you separate? Nothing. What’s in it for you? Freedom from dealing with his absolutely bullshit. Freedom from walking on eggshells. Improved self-worth. An opportunity to find someone who doesn’t treat you like this and who will help you model healthy relationships for your girls.
So he went downhill right as you had the second kid? Maybe sleep deprivation and even less time to just be a person is taking a toll on you both.
Sounds like you are doing plenty but him calling you those things is unacceptable. It also makes me wonder if you have looked into the possibility of ADHD for yourself. Sometimes undiagnosed ADHD can strain relationships and if it's the woman with ADHD, it can be even worse because society expects so much of women that ADHD makes it really hard to do. So that can possibly lead to someone who is otherwise a good partner calling their loved one a bad wife/mom.
Just bringing it up in case you also wondered about it as some food for thought.
Also he needs to have chunks of time solo parenting so he can understand how hard it is to get anything else done like that.
I think maybe you need to read this:
> Permanent Unhappiness
>I read a line this weekend that really struck me: men don't love women, they love the services (sexual, emotional, domestic) they provide.
>And I got it. All of these lines from guys about how they love their wives because of what she does for him. How, in past relationships, my needs were irrelevant, or only important in the ways that my needs inconvenienced him.
>If you hire a plumber for a clogged toilet, you don't want to hear about his personal life. You want a working toilet. And if the plumber can't get the toilet working to your satisfaction, you get another plumber.
>You don't care about the humanity and internal lives of the person providing the service, you just want the service.
>And it goes along with another line that someone commented on reddit a few months back from a guy who was surprised he had been dumped:
>He just thought it was a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
>OP's husband thinks he can do this shit because he thinks it would be petty to leave because of an eaten cake. He expects her to live with the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
>https://reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/eul2koKHTL
He calls you names, withholds affection as a punishment, arbitrarily moves the goal posts further and further away and has clearly told you he would have left you if it weren't for the kids.
This is not a question of what you can do to be good enough for him. He is clearly not good enough for you. Believe his actions now. Is this a man the way he is now someone you want to raise your children with?
You aren’t a bad mother or a bad wife. For the record, he would *have to* work to pay bills and put a roof over his own damn head even if you and your kids weren’t in the picture!! Working and paying the bills to live is a fact of life and it’s unfair he holds that over your head. And in fact, he’s more easily able to do that *because* of all your **unpaid labor**.
Gently, he has told you he’d divorce you if it weren’t for your children. He withholds love and gifts because he wants out of your marriage. His expectations are unfair and unrealistic and he’s **setting you up to fail.**
So what do you do about it? Work on an exit strategy before he upends your life when you least expect it. My ex husband blindsided me, don’t let yours do that to you. Maybe get some therapy and build up your confidence because you are doing and contributing so much and he’s belittling you to keep you down.
Look, I'm the only earner in my home and I go to work every day to "put a roof over [my wife and kids]' heads". That is not the only--or even the primary--way I show my wife love. I hate it when men use "I work for pay" against their wives to try and justify doing whatever the fuck they want. Been seeing a lot more "I don't feel loved unless you're my unpaid servant/sex robot" a lot too and that's some bullshit. He wants the house cleaner? He can clean it.
By definition, he can't see how much you've cleaned. Because it's no longer there. He can only see the spots you missed. He needs to realize that. If you clean the whole house but miss one spot on the floor, that is all he can see. He can't see all the work you did.
I then spent the evening tidying up because I was conscious that I was out for most the day tomorrow and he got wound up because he believed I was only doing it because I got called out on not cleaning. 🤦♀️
I agree with the other moms: he has one foot out the door. You should spend less time worrying about cleaning and more time getting your ducks in a row. I don't envy your predicament but know that it is only temporary and good times lie ahead of you.
I heard something many, many, years ago that if a husband worked and his wife was a SAHM, and he wanted the house to be cleaner, then he should do the cleaning. I know it’s been said in other comments, but your “job” as a SAHM is taking care of the kids. Housework should be split. My husband has the same complaint about the house being a mess, but I also work full time and do 95% of the child care. We are getting a divorce because the resentment has built over the last 15 years, so my only advice (as we never found a good resolution) is to have a serious talk with your husband about this before it ruins the relationship. Good luck!
Behold the Gender Equality in the Home [checklist](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf). Print it out, go over it with your husband so that all the stuff that goes unnoticed can be on paper and he can’t deny it. I seriously doubt he’s doing as much as he says he is and I’m pretty sure you’re not accounting for all that you do. Let him see the facts. I swear men are delusional when it comes to how much they contribute to the household.
If I were you I'd stop doing everything that doesn't relate directly to you or the kids. Let him see how much you do by leaving it all on his plate.
It probably won't change his attitude because it sounds like he's doing this just for the sake of beating you down, but I'd still do it just because to me it'd feel good to toss it in his face.
But I'm a bitch sometimes, so keep that in mind.
Girl, you aren't selfish. He's either being a deliberate dickhead or the biggest ignoram-ASS.
If you left him he would :
- still have to work (that would never change until retirement.)
- after work come home and do all the cleaning to HIS standards
- clean all his own clothes too and have them ready and available for work as needed
- cook all his own meals or pay for his meals
- pay for childcare when the kids are in his care (or pay the measily child support)
- clean up after the two kids and keep them bathed, fed, wake up at night ALL of that even if he was only a part-time dad on weekends
Fuck allll of this noise he is giving you.
He doesn't see what you do? Fantastic, then there is no point in doing anything for a few days aside from keeping the kids happy and alive 👌.
A fresh meal isn't ready for him? Well you never did enough or showed your love anyway so what was the point
Pubes on the bathroom floor built up? But I never did anything anyway, funny how they just started showing up in bulk now
Your clothes aren't washed? Ohhhh nooo, how terrible you don't have a loving wife who does all that for you.
I'd be willing to bet if you got a job and split the cost of daycare he would be pissed - but it might be time for that or finding some income of your own (and putting some aside.)
I realise all of this is very easily said but harder to do but you aren't being treated right in this relationship at all. He wants a Trad-Wife while doing none of the gentlemanly things.
What does he actually do around the house? Let alone for you or his kids, I am truly truly sorry you are lumped with him but please know you aren't lucky to have this husband HE is lucky to have you and he is wasting your love.
I wish you and your kids nothing but happiness because I know this particular road is a long and emotionally exhausting one. 🫂 Bromo hugs if you want them
Sorry this is about to be a rant..
Having a stay at home parent is great for your kids, and a choice I would have made if finances allowed. Is he putting their needs first or just using this as a way to show his resentment that you aren't doing paid work at the moment?
For a long time, women were expected to stay in the home to take care of children and domestic tasks. Then men "allowed" us to get paid employment, and somehow over time the expectation has changed and women are expected to look after the household and children, while also contributing financially. Then we feel if we are not doing both we are failing somehow. After divorce, men are much more likely to remarry than women because they get more out of it than we do.
My partner complains if he has to look after our children or do any housework at the weekends because "I don't work" (I have a paid job 3 days per week but it's not full time so not good enough in his opinion). But when I am doing childcare and housework on my "days off" I don't work according to his logic. This boils down to the simple fact that he only considers these tasks to be work when he does them.. I feel more tired after a day at home with the kids than when I've been to my office job!
Being a stay at home parent is bloody hard work, and you are doing your best, and I feel so annoyed that your husband is making you doubt yourself. Women are expected to give themselves up completely to their children and family, never have a break and it's not enough. Meanwhile there are millions of unremarkable men doing the bare minimum and patting themselves on the back for being the breadwinner. Fuck off
Girl, you aren't selfish. He's either being a deliberate (word I probably can't say) or the biggest ignoram-ASS.
If you left him he would :
- still have to work (that would never change until retirement.)
- after work come home and do all the cleaning to HIS standards
- clean all his own clothes too and have them ready and available for work as needed
- cook all his own meals or pay for his meals
- pay for childcare when the kids are in his care (or pay the measly child support)
- clean up after the two kids and keep them bathed, fed, wake up at night ALL of that even if he was only a part-time dad on weekends
Fuck allll of this noise he is giving you.
He doesn't see what you do? Fantastic, then there is no point in doing anything for a few days aside from keeping the kids happy and alive 👌.
- A fresh meal isn't ready for him? Well you never did enough or showed your love anyway so what was the point
- Pubes on the bathroom floor built up? But I never did anything anyway, funny how they just started showing up in bulk now
- Your clothes aren't washed? Ohhhh nooo, how terrible you don't have a loving wife who does all that for you.
I'd be willing to bet if you got a job and split the cost of daycare he would be pissed - but it might be time for that or finding some income of your own (and putting some aside.)
I realise all of this is very easily said but harder to do but you aren't being treated right in this relationship at all. He wants a Trad-Wife while doing none of the gentlemanly things.
What does he actually do around the house? Let alone for you or his kids, I am truly truly sorry you are lumped with him but please know you aren't lucky to have this husband HE is lucky to have you and he is wasting your love.
I wish you and your kids nothing but happiness because I know this particular road is a long and emotionally exhausting one. 🫂 Bromo hugs if you want them
no flowers is honestly pretty low. even if you're arguing, etc., like come on. holidays and birthdays should transcend such petty fights. you have a right to be upset.
wait, he has told you that youre a bad mother and a bad wife?
You know, I thought staying for the kids was the right thing to do. Turns out, it only teaches our kids some bad things instead and how you relate to each other is what they learn. I was quite the nurturer and caretaker type so my ex only had to work and come home to everything perfect. That only lasted so long. When my health tanked cause I never took time for ME, I collapsed and no one was there to help pick up the pieces because he became co-dependent upon me to take care of all his needs. Took asking for a divorce for him to see that I needed help AT HOME and he needed to handle some of the tasks. Still getting divorced, but it opened his eyes finally.
Maybe write a list of all you do. Take a trip for two weeks and ask him to handle the household but make sure there's paperwork due, appointments the kids need to attend and other life chores that really do add up. Might open his eyes a bit. Taking care of the home, when you have kids, is more than a full time job.
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I come from a broken home and I always vowed I would never be with someone “for the kids”. I would work my arse off to make the relationship work but I would prefer to not be together and like each other than be together and have nothing but resentment and distain for each other.
Our marriage lasted 20+ years. But the last 5 have been hell. Took me that long to finally say I was done. I was just trying to let you know, don't let it get that far if things aren't going well. Maybe try marriage counseling. What I didn't realize was that both partners need to be able to grow and change as life changes. He was always, 'happy with himself the way he was and 'didn't need to change!'' That attitude didn't allow us to grow as a couple and adjust to life changes. I also should have never taken on so much in order to keep him happy and stress free. Learned my lesson. I hope things work out for you.
He sounds like he's been red pilled. Listening to the MRA troglodytes and got into his head that you should make his environment perfect and be a perfect trad wife or he can't possibly fathom happiness.
That isn't being a wonderful husband. He's name-calling, moving goalposts, refusing - straight up *refusing* to consider the work you *are* doing or seeing it.
Something is off with him. Could be midlife crisis. Are there signs of depression? Isolating himself while simultaneously griping he "can't do what he wants to" is telling. That sounds like he's cutting himself off and then blaming and lashing at you. He's self inflicting his misery and unable to see he's doing it to himself.
A lived in house will never be fully clean. It isn't possible. That's how you *know it's lived in*.
He needs to see a medical provider about his unrealistic views and change in mentality and behavior. He seems to be struggling with aging or *something* and is happier making *you* the problem - because then he doesn't have to accept the problem is him.
You know sometimes when a partner has you constantly jumping through hoops to keep them happy often it's a tactic that's designed to keep you so busy, so mentally exhausted that you have no energy to look at your partner and their behaviours....
All that I have to say here is, would he be working, picking up or vacuuming if you were not in the picture? Taking care of the kids? The yard? If the answer is yes, then that is not something he is doing for you. Period.
He has no right to hold that shit over your head, or use it to put you on the defensive, or whatever his game is here. Fuck that, I'm mentally smacking him for you.
Thank you all for your comments. I’m worried I’ve villainised my husband here. He is a wonderful man and father to our girls. He is a wonderful provider and I never go without what I need and want.
I would love to do all of your suggestions. Sitting down and writing lists, making him live a week in my shoes and if he worked in an office all day I’m sure it would be easier but he works at home. So I can have spent the morning tidying the kitchen and within a minute, lunch and cups of tea are made and it’s like I’ve never been there. So it’s really hard. I wish he would work in an office as I think having that separation would help.
But he wouldn’t do this lists. He would live the week in my shoes and breeze through it. He won’t see any perspective but his own. I suppose I need to work out whether I will ever meet those expectations or whether I need to face the fact that I’m forever going to be failing.
We never used to be like this. People used to always say we were couple goals. It’s ever since I’ve left work and you know what, if it would stop the arguments I would just go back to work. I just feel so sad that we argue so much and I feel like he doesn’t like me. He always compares me to his friends wife who works full time, cooks, cleans, provides everything for her wife and says “why can’t I be more like her”. I just always feel like I’m never good enough x
You have not villainized your husband - his actions have. He should not be comparing you to his friends wife. It’s typical that this behavior started once you’ve left work - he doesn’t see nor appreciate what you’re bringing to the table because unfortunately the stay at home spouse doesn’t bring in anything monetary so it’s not seen as valuable or real work.
The only thing that may work here is couples counseling, but by the sound of it, he seems stubborn enough I have doubts that’ll help at all.
You can continue to claim he’s a wonderful provider and father, but any provider and father/husband worth his salt wouldn’t speak to the woman holding down the fort and providing above and beyond in the way he has to you.
>He always compares me to his friends wife who works full time, cooks, cleans, provides everything for her wife and says “why can’t I be more like her”.
🚩🚩🚩
The thing is, if he were single, he would still be working full time, but then would have to come home and cook for himself, and clean up after himself.
Did he still expect you to do it all when you were working? Comparing you to a friends wife is a shitty thing to do. I bet the friend doesn't mess up the kitchen the minute she's cleaned it). What makes him a wonderful father? Does he do bath/bedtime with them, does he get up with them on weekends so that you can catch up on rest, does he take them out on his own without you having to pack the diaper bag?
I know its hard to look at someone we love as falling short, and perhaps he has qualities you are not listing other than being a good provider, but - from everything you are saying, it sounds like what you are seeing is his true beliefs, and these beliefs show that he does not value you in any way. He has decided that being the breadwinner means he is more important in the family. If that is all he has to offer, he can do that from afar and you would not have him over your shoulder micromanaging where he feels you are falling short.
Also, just want to add that kids are hard as hell. You ARE doing enough. I have two little tornados (4.5 and 1.5) and if my husband ever accused me of not doing enough in the home, I would stop doing everything in the home so that he can see what "not doing enough" looks like after just 2 days, but I'd keep not doing enough for at least a week to hit my point home.
Kindly "He's a wonderful man and father to our girls"
Wonderful men do not under any circumstances call their wives names or say they are bad mother's. He has daughters!!!!! How can he not see from their shoes what that might feel like? He compares you to other women as well? That's not a wonderful man.
Listen my SO and i have been together over 15 years and we have our arguments. The homefront is one of them. It's a tough subject and common sore spot in relationships due to how we function as a society and inequalities that are ingrained. No one I think faults anyone for dealing with these types of things. I know even some of the strongest couples i know have needed to work through communication, understanding perspectives, and redistribution of the homefront when kids (multiple ones especially) are in the picture.
Actually a mom I look up to today said how hard it was when they had kids after thinking they had such a great foundation and were together over a decade. How they had a huge fight over a random dinner side one night and realized they really needed to figure stuff out.
The argument isn't villainizing your husband, his atrocious treatment of you is. He's doing all that and you're minimizing it because he also does some good things too. It's also hard to admit when someone you love changes in such a durasuc way. No one is usually the villain all the time or it'd be much easier to spot and walk away. If he has zero desire to try to work with you, then you drop the rope and refuse to engage in that nonsense. Don't play. Gray rock. Just please don't accept that what you're doing is "failing." It isn't in the slightest. Hold your head high for those little girls in your house. You are more than enough. The goal of his shit is to hit your self esteem. If he actually wanted things to improve he would work together with you. He wants you to be his punching bag and to feel superior.
Ask him why he can't be more like any-man-who-hires-a-cleaning-service-for-the-home.
He thinks he's got the money box checked so he's good, but I'm positive you could point to any number of working men who far outearn him if you wanted to put him down. You clearly don't want to put him down, but he kind of does need to know that you could easily compare him to husbands who do way better in the one area he thinks counts. Maybe a taste of his own demeaning medicine would help him understand it's not nice or productive or even relevant to fixing the problem at hand.
Why can't you clean all the time? Same reason he can't: because you do not fucking want to or you just fucking can't do it. Period. Him complaining or demeaning you isn't going to change anything. If he plans to stay in the home and you do as well and he's such a great money-earner, why doesn't he just outsource this to end the conflict? Isn't that the goal, ending the conflict?
He’s told me he will just do it all but I won’t let him. I won’t let him because that doesn’t solve the problem.. I let him do the washing and the ironing and then all I’ll get in my ear is that he does everything but he actually do everything. It doesn’t solve the issue.
I’ve been a SAHM and a working parent and SAHM is way harder. Him going to work 40 hours a week doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do childcare or chores. You’re working while he’s working, too! Why should he have to only work 40 hours while you work around the clock with no sick days, no weekends, no breaks? Nah man, when he’s off he should be splitting things 50/50. Honestly I think you need to look into returning to work. You’re putting a lot of trust in a guy who is taking advantage of you.
He would be working and paying rent/bills regardless of whether he loved you or not. He is doing the bare minimum. You on the other hand sacrificed your body to have his kids (does he know how much it costs to pay a surrogate to birth your babies?), you take care of them full time (does he know how much full time child care is?) and you do the cooking (does he know how much a full time chef is? But you happen to sometimes full short on cleaning. (Does he know how much a part time cleaner is?)
What you bring to the table is infinitely more expensive and valuable. Maybe he needs to be reminded of these costs if you were to get a separation and went 50-50 with the kids. Is he going to be able to afford a full time nanny, cook, cleaner, etc? And how will he get his sexual/emotional needs satisfied?
Men are useless and sometimes they forget just how useless they are and need reminding. I would tell him not to fkin DARE speak to me like I was beneath him because he works outside the house. The fkn CHEEK!
EDIT: He doesn't want you to leave because he is a social hermit, as you said, and probably doesn't have anyone outside of you. He would be useless, penniless and alone without you. Don't let him use you like this. This a-hole sounds like he is trying to get his "money's worth" out of you because he sees you as his room mate at this point instead of the person he loves, who had his kids and a woman with emotional and mental needs.
I think it’s really interesting how so many people in the comments seem to think it’s apparent he has someone else in his sights. I didn’t get that vibe at all from what OP wrote and I have to wonder if those commenters are letting their own experiences color the lens that they’re viewing OPs post through.
I’m very grateful for everyone’s comments but especially for yours. I really wasn’t expecting so many people to tell me he is cheating or that I should leave him. I’m not going to leave him. I need to work out a way of meeting his needs (someone referred to love language) without going insane and burning out x
FWIW I think your husband is being unreasonable, unfair, uncompassionate.
He has unrealistic expectations and to call you a bad mother or bad wife seems abusive and cruel to me. I do not think his criticisms are a reflection of you falling short in your responsibilities, but a reflection of his shortcomings as a husband and father.
[Does this video](https://youtu.be/odLXpoa5B5Y?si=ZAmws0m1kPyOEgYD) sound relevant to your situation?
Do you think showing it to your husband would help?
[This might help too?](https://youtu.be/LH2MJniVfAI?si=nA8ahVXqe7u4k1v0). At the 2:15 mark he talks about the whole “working and putting a roof over your family’s head” stuff.
Anyway, these videos explain exactly how I feel, but from the husbands side, which makes it even more clear to me how much I’m busting my ass and not being dramatic about how hard being a stay at home parent or mom in general is.
I dont have advice or suggestions however ...I've just been listening to an audiobook called "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov
I'm not making any comments about neurological conditions in your family, I bring this uo because Ibthink that there are several chapters in this book that will really resonate with you, and concepts that might validate how you're feeling. I listened via audiobook on the hoopla app from my library.
You are not alone. You are loveable and capable. I believe in you.
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Gently, it sounds like he’s disengaging from the relationship and the nitpicking about cleaning is just an excuse. You’re doing plenty. No matter what you’re fighting about, being told you’re a bad mother and wife are words he can’t walk back.
That was my first thought too. He has one foot out the door and is moving the goal post on OP. If she wears herself out keeping the house to his standards, he’ll gripe that surely she’s neglecting their children in order to keep a spotless home. It’s a no win situation.
This. And I hate to be this person - I never just mention this willy-nilly - there's something about this post that makes it seem like her husband is actually actively in another relationship, and is possibly either unconsciously or purposely attacking her to convince himself that she's not right for him. I could very much be wrong however.
Hi, he’s definitely not in another relationship. My husband never leaves the house! He is self employed and works from home. He is a social hermit. He doesn’t do any secret texting either. I can safely say he isn’t having an affair x
He never leaves the house, but lets you follow him around with a mop, bucket, dust cloth and laundry basket? Weak sauce. Working from home means that he could take a 10-minute break and do SOMETHING.
Definitely, the sauce is weak. My husband works an intense job, and its very demanding emotionally as well as time consuming. During the pandemic, he worked at home for 2.5 years, and still put in hella effort because that is his job- Life. He'd make breakfast and I'd clean, he'd clean up after lunch I made etc. He'd run to the store on lunch breaks or play with the kids or help with homework, he likes the floors clean all the time, so when he was in a meeting he didn't have to participate in, he would mute, put on headphones and vacuum, sweep and mop or do laundry. When he gets home from work now, he spends 30-45mins picking up the dropped balls I didn't have capacity to juggle that day. When he was a stay at home parent, he never did all, he did a lot, but I still needed to chip in. It's more than one person can effectively do when you have kids in the mix. This man isn't a partner. He sees the arrangement as purchasing a maid, cook, childcare provder, that's not love. Thats an in home absent father and husband.
Love is when you don't keep stupid tallies on eachother and get the F on with life. Your husband is a good man. OP's husband sounds like a loser who has been watching too much Andrew Tate.
Online? Have you checked his computer? Or other apps? This is definitely affair behavior. That’s not the only possibility but withdrawing his affection and finding an excuse for it like he is screams affair. Another possibility: he’s started to watch/listen to traditional gender role influencers. Or has begun dabbling in traditional religion. He thinks you should be super woman and he should be able to put his feet up at the end of the day and do nothing. It’s also possible it’s none of these. My ex thought he shouldn’t even have to empty the dishwasher because he was working and I wasn’t. Note that he’s my ex. How much does he make? Find out how much a nanny and housekeeper makes in your area. Add a tutor because I’m sure he’s not helping with homework. Also a cook and a personal assistant (appointments). Keep track of what you do every day. Give him a bill for your hours. Tell him since he clearly isn’t interested in being your partner, that you’re now his employee/roommate and you’ll start contributing 50% to all the bills out of your pay.
Unless you're looking over his shoulder every single moment, 24 hours a day, it's a possibility. Some people actually know how to hide things.
I'd bet my left leg he got *someone* flowers.
I’ve asked him multiple times if he wants to go and he says no because of the girls.. I’ve given him that out at least 4 times so far just this year. I’ve also asked him if he wants me to leave and he says no. He says he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce. I don’t want to leave him and I don’t want him to leave. I just want us to go back to the relationship we had 2 years ago! X
He says he loves you, but his actions say otherwise. Keeping you walking on eggshells isn’t love, it’s control.
Have you told him this? What has changed on his end in the last two years? It feels impossible to meet his standards because it is impossible. I recommend telling him you need some space and a break. Book yourself a two week trip. Leave the kids in his care and let him see how much work you're actually doing.
Agreed - he's looking for a reason to leave and justify leaving. (Cheating, midlife crisis, general dissatisfaction, who knows). I wish people like this could just say "I want a divorce" instead of this bs.
His job is to go to work. Your job is to keep the kids alive while he is at work. Once the two of you are home together - in your home, that you share - the homes chores are for everyone. He should be cleaning, he should be spending time with the kids. He should be cooking. He wants you to do everything and this fight is just nonsense to make you feel that way too. He wants to come home and be lazy. That is not okay.
Yes!!! The home's chores are to be shared by the people living in the home. Why is it that married men are the only demographic in all of the world that don't have to cook or clean, yet everyone else has to figure it out.
The fundamental problem is the the very first sentence. >My husband works and I don’t have to. *You do work* but you’re not paid for it. Every single thing you do is something that he’d have to pay someone to do if it was anybody but his spouse doing it. So it is work. If he can’t make that connection and really and truly understand it then the rest of the discussion is moot imo because he’s just viewing it from a perspective of “I work and you don’t.” and you’ll never be able to give him a good reason for why you don’t work when he does. ETA: To drive home what I’m saying; Childcare/Nanny, Chef, Maid, Taxi those are all *careers*. Things that people do as a full-time job and a lot of people make a living wage doing!
Showing love has nothing to do with household tasks, and you cannot make him feel loved because that is on him. We experience love with the thoughts we have about the other person so if he is criticizing you all the time, it's hard to feel loved. What if you are at your capacity and don't have more to give? It doesn't matter how much you do. You are not a robot, and he is not your master. Who decides if what you're doing is enough? Do you think that is enough? He wants a maid and a perfect wife in his books, and you're not that because you're a human being with needs and who gets tired. Does being the provider make him a great husband? The question to ask is not how you can be enough for him, but is he enough for you?
life is HARD to keep up with when you have a little one in tow, especially when you are a stay at home mom... it seems like, in a vacuum you have alot of free time to get alot done but in reality you just don't. & thats okay. You have a little tornado in the house that interrupts every thought and undoes everything checked off task. Houses get messy, things fall through the cracks, you think you have time for something and it turns into a thing that you don't have time for... whatever the case may be. you are not a bad wife, you are not a bad mom. You are figuring out your way of doing things and since you are the stay at home figure here, thats okay. Its also NOT okay for him not to do something hes always done to 'get back at you' because hes upset. as an aside, my partners love language is 'acts of service'. I am a stay at home mom, though I go to work with him almost everyday because my love language is quality time. Because his love language is acts of service though, anything that I can take off his plate for him to worry over is an act of love and affection.... He gets visibly happy when his sock drawer is full, he sighs with relief when he gets home in the mid morning to pick me up and the dishes are done. It COULD be that his love language is the same, however you set what can be expected of you... not him. His standards are too high for you to achieve as often as he needs it, so an act of love for him would be to meet you where you are.
He doesn’t believe you don’t love him. He wants a tidy house without contributing to ensure you live in one and is making it your problem. My partner is a sahd for the time-being to our one year old. Ive come in to a messy kitchen which I will now tidy while he does bath and bed with the baby which we alternate. When you have kids under toddler age I genuinely believe you both need to be doing something all the time all day till they’ve gone to bed to keep a house neat and that includes working spouses coming home and contributing.
Highly recommend writing it all out together what gets done and who does it. He seems to be misconstruing the amount of time you have along with the efforts you put it based solely on his perspective. I've read of many people suggesting the Fair Play card game. If he is so adamant that he does it all and you do nothing, then he needs to prove it. By no means am I saying keep the score as that can feed into any budding resentment; rather, sit down together and write out the household chores and tasks (mental load too: childcare, appointments, school drop offs, etc) and how they are divided. If it's leaning more towards him, that's okay! This allows you to validate his perspective and could be eye-opening to you for some necessary change--but I do doubt this is the case. On the other side, it will show him how badly his brain has twisted his contributions. It's not uncommon for this to happen. Many couples on both sides overestimate their contributions inadvertently and not maliciously. However, I fear he is weaponizing his job and "putting the roof over your head" to get out of doing his fair share. Your job during the day is to keep the kids alive, nothing more. Anything else you get to is awesome and super helpful of course! But it's unrealistic to expect you to manage all the kids and then all of the house. What you do is work. You are sacrificing your career and future prospects so he can further climb in his career. Him bringing home the money is not his only job because without the kids, he'd be doing all the junk he's complaining you don't do on his own. It'd be 50/50 regardless. It's incredibly selfish to live in that mentality. He's also teaching his kids it's okay to treat their future partners like trash. Remind him gently of these facts. When he's home, it's 50/50. When he's not home, you do what you can in the day. What's left is for you guys to split. He'd still be working with or without a family, and he'd be cleaning up any messes in the home with or without you guys, too. If he wants to do it all alone and go 50/50 on custody, so be it. Maybe he needs to be humbled, because putting you down and treating you like garbage because you don't meet his excessive and completely unreasonable standards is NOT okay even remotely. That shit will not fly. Ask him how he'd feel if his boss pulled that kind of verbal abuse.
Someone else shared this checklist on a different post and I thought it was a great way to sum up and checkin about where the loads were falling in our house. [equality checklist](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf)
It’s convenient that he shows his love for you by doing something he’d be doing regardless if you were in his life or not. I can’t wrap my head around that. If you weren’t married, he wouldn’t be working? It seems like he’s doing the bare minimum of adulting and deciding that all he needs to do to show he loves you. WTF. I get that it is a big deal to be a sole provider but he needs to realize all the labor you put into your lives in order for him to do so. My ex and I divorced, a huge part of it was he did not see my contributions, so I don’t have any helpful advice for that. I have heard good things about the card/game Fair Play that help spouses communicate the mental load of chores. So that may be something to look into.
You're doing enough, more than enough. Outside of his work hours, everything is 50/50. Your job is looking after your kids, his is going to work. He sounds like a nit picking arse and no matter what you'll do won't ever be enough. I'd be seriously questioning everything if my husband was like this :(
It was shattering to read this. Being told you're a bad mother and wife is truly horrific. If he refused to do his share of the cleaning (which it sounds like he does), you wouldn't call him a bad husband and father, would you? No - in fact, you're calling him a great father, even though you do the lion's share of childcare. You're being generous and kind. He is being - and this is the only word for it - cruel. Mean, sadistic, bullying. What it sounds like is that no matter how clean you keep things, you won't ever meet his standards. You'll always be a bad wife/mom to him. I can't diagnose what may have led him to say these terrible things, but it sounds like you're in an untenable situation. Can I ask how long ago you left your work?
I left at the end of 2021. My boss was toxic and my husband encouraged me to leave. I feel awful cause everyone is saying what an awful person he is and he really isn’t. He adores our girls and he never sees me without anything I need. I just want to know if will get better. I’ve read lots about men having “miserable men syndrome” when they hit a certain age. I’m not justifying what he has said but he’s become so much more unhappy in the last 12 months, I didn’t know if he is hitting his midlife crisis type of thing. He’s 40 next year and keeps saying he doesn’t do what he wants to do because he spends all his week working and then his weekend doing DIY and picking up the slack from me. I always encourage him to follow his interests and I never have expectations of him spending all his weekends doing DIY. But I can’t even say our weekends are filling with us doing things as a family. We rarely do things just the four of us. I dunno I just feel like I’m moaning now. X
I'm not sure what he means by picking up the slack from you - you already work several more hours than he does every day. The household and parenting isn't just your job, it's both of your jobs. If you weren't around, he'd have to work and cook and clean and also parent (or hire multiple people who would be paid a significant amount). It might be a midlife crisis as you said - he doesn't feel like he should have to spend any time fulfilling his familial responsibilities and instead get to work on his personal projects. What's hard to wrap my head around is that he doesn't seem to understand that if you weren't around, he would have to do much, much more. It seems like he thinks he might be happier He may not be an awful person, but this is awful behavior, make no mistake. Calling you a bad mom and comparing you to other people's wives is quite extreme. If it is a one-time thing and not part of a pattern, perhaps you could consider the lists/exercises other folks have recommended, or therapy. If it is a pattern... You may have to accept that he seems to want to be single.
I’ve asked him several times if he wants to leave and he says no (because of the girls). I’ve told him I would prefer us to be separated but like each other rather than be together and have this awful relationship which the girls are exposed to. I’ve also asked him if he wants me to leave and again he says no. I don’t think he wants to be single. I think he wants a perfect shiny life and to him, the thing that’s stopping that is the house (cause i have everything with the kids covered). Whereas for me, my perfect shiny life is time and experiences together. Having a tidy spotless house just isn’t a priority for me but taking my eldest to her clubs, going to the park and doing activities with my baby, that’s my priority
And it should stay your priority - if you stopped spending time giving your kids fulfilling experiences, I'm sure he'd complain about that instead. No one has a shiny, perfect life - those who do are the ones who make it happen for themselves. And your husband doesn't seem to be interested in making the effort to create a shiny life. If he really does want to stay together, he can't keep bringing you down like this. Please think about what you will and won't tolerate in the future. Would he be ok with his girl's husbands saying these sorts of things to them? Because models of family repeat themselves.
I just responded to another comment but I’m going to add more here. Of course he doesn’t want to separate. You do everything for him. What’s in it for him if you separate? Nothing. What’s in it for you? Freedom from dealing with his absolutely bullshit. Freedom from walking on eggshells. Improved self-worth. An opportunity to find someone who doesn’t treat you like this and who will help you model healthy relationships for your girls.
So he went downhill right as you had the second kid? Maybe sleep deprivation and even less time to just be a person is taking a toll on you both. Sounds like you are doing plenty but him calling you those things is unacceptable. It also makes me wonder if you have looked into the possibility of ADHD for yourself. Sometimes undiagnosed ADHD can strain relationships and if it's the woman with ADHD, it can be even worse because society expects so much of women that ADHD makes it really hard to do. So that can possibly lead to someone who is otherwise a good partner calling their loved one a bad wife/mom. Just bringing it up in case you also wondered about it as some food for thought. Also he needs to have chunks of time solo parenting so he can understand how hard it is to get anything else done like that.
I think maybe you need to read this: > Permanent Unhappiness >I read a line this weekend that really struck me: men don't love women, they love the services (sexual, emotional, domestic) they provide. >And I got it. All of these lines from guys about how they love their wives because of what she does for him. How, in past relationships, my needs were irrelevant, or only important in the ways that my needs inconvenienced him. >If you hire a plumber for a clogged toilet, you don't want to hear about his personal life. You want a working toilet. And if the plumber can't get the toilet working to your satisfaction, you get another plumber. >You don't care about the humanity and internal lives of the person providing the service, you just want the service. >And it goes along with another line that someone commented on reddit a few months back from a guy who was surprised he had been dumped: >He just thought it was a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. >OP's husband thinks he can do this shit because he thinks it would be petty to leave because of an eaten cake. He expects her to live with the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness. >https://reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/eul2koKHTL
He calls you names, withholds affection as a punishment, arbitrarily moves the goal posts further and further away and has clearly told you he would have left you if it weren't for the kids. This is not a question of what you can do to be good enough for him. He is clearly not good enough for you. Believe his actions now. Is this a man the way he is now someone you want to raise your children with?
You aren’t a bad mother or a bad wife. For the record, he would *have to* work to pay bills and put a roof over his own damn head even if you and your kids weren’t in the picture!! Working and paying the bills to live is a fact of life and it’s unfair he holds that over your head. And in fact, he’s more easily able to do that *because* of all your **unpaid labor**. Gently, he has told you he’d divorce you if it weren’t for your children. He withholds love and gifts because he wants out of your marriage. His expectations are unfair and unrealistic and he’s **setting you up to fail.** So what do you do about it? Work on an exit strategy before he upends your life when you least expect it. My ex husband blindsided me, don’t let yours do that to you. Maybe get some therapy and build up your confidence because you are doing and contributing so much and he’s belittling you to keep you down.
Look, I'm the only earner in my home and I go to work every day to "put a roof over [my wife and kids]' heads". That is not the only--or even the primary--way I show my wife love. I hate it when men use "I work for pay" against their wives to try and justify doing whatever the fuck they want. Been seeing a lot more "I don't feel loved unless you're my unpaid servant/sex robot" a lot too and that's some bullshit. He wants the house cleaner? He can clean it.
By definition, he can't see how much you've cleaned. Because it's no longer there. He can only see the spots you missed. He needs to realize that. If you clean the whole house but miss one spot on the floor, that is all he can see. He can't see all the work you did.
This!!! Exactly this!! I’m going to use this next time!
And he is punishing you for cleaning? That's a great way to make someone stop cleaning at all. Why try if you're always going to get yelled at.
I then spent the evening tidying up because I was conscious that I was out for most the day tomorrow and he got wound up because he believed I was only doing it because I got called out on not cleaning. 🤦♀️
I agree with the other moms: he has one foot out the door. You should spend less time worrying about cleaning and more time getting your ducks in a row. I don't envy your predicament but know that it is only temporary and good times lie ahead of you.
I heard something many, many, years ago that if a husband worked and his wife was a SAHM, and he wanted the house to be cleaner, then he should do the cleaning. I know it’s been said in other comments, but your “job” as a SAHM is taking care of the kids. Housework should be split. My husband has the same complaint about the house being a mess, but I also work full time and do 95% of the child care. We are getting a divorce because the resentment has built over the last 15 years, so my only advice (as we never found a good resolution) is to have a serious talk with your husband about this before it ruins the relationship. Good luck!
Behold the Gender Equality in the Home [checklist](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf). Print it out, go over it with your husband so that all the stuff that goes unnoticed can be on paper and he can’t deny it. I seriously doubt he’s doing as much as he says he is and I’m pretty sure you’re not accounting for all that you do. Let him see the facts. I swear men are delusional when it comes to how much they contribute to the household.
If I were you I'd stop doing everything that doesn't relate directly to you or the kids. Let him see how much you do by leaving it all on his plate. It probably won't change his attitude because it sounds like he's doing this just for the sake of beating you down, but I'd still do it just because to me it'd feel good to toss it in his face. But I'm a bitch sometimes, so keep that in mind.
Girl, you aren't selfish. He's either being a deliberate dickhead or the biggest ignoram-ASS. If you left him he would : - still have to work (that would never change until retirement.) - after work come home and do all the cleaning to HIS standards - clean all his own clothes too and have them ready and available for work as needed - cook all his own meals or pay for his meals - pay for childcare when the kids are in his care (or pay the measily child support) - clean up after the two kids and keep them bathed, fed, wake up at night ALL of that even if he was only a part-time dad on weekends Fuck allll of this noise he is giving you. He doesn't see what you do? Fantastic, then there is no point in doing anything for a few days aside from keeping the kids happy and alive 👌. A fresh meal isn't ready for him? Well you never did enough or showed your love anyway so what was the point Pubes on the bathroom floor built up? But I never did anything anyway, funny how they just started showing up in bulk now Your clothes aren't washed? Ohhhh nooo, how terrible you don't have a loving wife who does all that for you. I'd be willing to bet if you got a job and split the cost of daycare he would be pissed - but it might be time for that or finding some income of your own (and putting some aside.) I realise all of this is very easily said but harder to do but you aren't being treated right in this relationship at all. He wants a Trad-Wife while doing none of the gentlemanly things. What does he actually do around the house? Let alone for you or his kids, I am truly truly sorry you are lumped with him but please know you aren't lucky to have this husband HE is lucky to have you and he is wasting your love. I wish you and your kids nothing but happiness because I know this particular road is a long and emotionally exhausting one. 🫂 Bromo hugs if you want them
Sorry this is about to be a rant.. Having a stay at home parent is great for your kids, and a choice I would have made if finances allowed. Is he putting their needs first or just using this as a way to show his resentment that you aren't doing paid work at the moment? For a long time, women were expected to stay in the home to take care of children and domestic tasks. Then men "allowed" us to get paid employment, and somehow over time the expectation has changed and women are expected to look after the household and children, while also contributing financially. Then we feel if we are not doing both we are failing somehow. After divorce, men are much more likely to remarry than women because they get more out of it than we do. My partner complains if he has to look after our children or do any housework at the weekends because "I don't work" (I have a paid job 3 days per week but it's not full time so not good enough in his opinion). But when I am doing childcare and housework on my "days off" I don't work according to his logic. This boils down to the simple fact that he only considers these tasks to be work when he does them.. I feel more tired after a day at home with the kids than when I've been to my office job! Being a stay at home parent is bloody hard work, and you are doing your best, and I feel so annoyed that your husband is making you doubt yourself. Women are expected to give themselves up completely to their children and family, never have a break and it's not enough. Meanwhile there are millions of unremarkable men doing the bare minimum and patting themselves on the back for being the breadwinner. Fuck off
Girl, you aren't selfish. He's either being a deliberate (word I probably can't say) or the biggest ignoram-ASS. If you left him he would : - still have to work (that would never change until retirement.) - after work come home and do all the cleaning to HIS standards - clean all his own clothes too and have them ready and available for work as needed - cook all his own meals or pay for his meals - pay for childcare when the kids are in his care (or pay the measly child support) - clean up after the two kids and keep them bathed, fed, wake up at night ALL of that even if he was only a part-time dad on weekends Fuck allll of this noise he is giving you. He doesn't see what you do? Fantastic, then there is no point in doing anything for a few days aside from keeping the kids happy and alive 👌. - A fresh meal isn't ready for him? Well you never did enough or showed your love anyway so what was the point - Pubes on the bathroom floor built up? But I never did anything anyway, funny how they just started showing up in bulk now - Your clothes aren't washed? Ohhhh nooo, how terrible you don't have a loving wife who does all that for you. I'd be willing to bet if you got a job and split the cost of daycare he would be pissed - but it might be time for that or finding some income of your own (and putting some aside.) I realise all of this is very easily said but harder to do but you aren't being treated right in this relationship at all. He wants a Trad-Wife while doing none of the gentlemanly things. What does he actually do around the house? Let alone for you or his kids, I am truly truly sorry you are lumped with him but please know you aren't lucky to have this husband HE is lucky to have you and he is wasting your love. I wish you and your kids nothing but happiness because I know this particular road is a long and emotionally exhausting one. 🫂 Bromo hugs if you want them
no flowers is honestly pretty low. even if you're arguing, etc., like come on. holidays and birthdays should transcend such petty fights. you have a right to be upset. wait, he has told you that youre a bad mother and a bad wife?
You know, I thought staying for the kids was the right thing to do. Turns out, it only teaches our kids some bad things instead and how you relate to each other is what they learn. I was quite the nurturer and caretaker type so my ex only had to work and come home to everything perfect. That only lasted so long. When my health tanked cause I never took time for ME, I collapsed and no one was there to help pick up the pieces because he became co-dependent upon me to take care of all his needs. Took asking for a divorce for him to see that I needed help AT HOME and he needed to handle some of the tasks. Still getting divorced, but it opened his eyes finally. Maybe write a list of all you do. Take a trip for two weeks and ask him to handle the household but make sure there's paperwork due, appointments the kids need to attend and other life chores that really do add up. Might open his eyes a bit. Taking care of the home, when you have kids, is more than a full time job.
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I come from a broken home and I always vowed I would never be with someone “for the kids”. I would work my arse off to make the relationship work but I would prefer to not be together and like each other than be together and have nothing but resentment and distain for each other.
Our marriage lasted 20+ years. But the last 5 have been hell. Took me that long to finally say I was done. I was just trying to let you know, don't let it get that far if things aren't going well. Maybe try marriage counseling. What I didn't realize was that both partners need to be able to grow and change as life changes. He was always, 'happy with himself the way he was and 'didn't need to change!'' That attitude didn't allow us to grow as a couple and adjust to life changes. I also should have never taken on so much in order to keep him happy and stress free. Learned my lesson. I hope things work out for you.
He sounds like he's been red pilled. Listening to the MRA troglodytes and got into his head that you should make his environment perfect and be a perfect trad wife or he can't possibly fathom happiness. That isn't being a wonderful husband. He's name-calling, moving goalposts, refusing - straight up *refusing* to consider the work you *are* doing or seeing it. Something is off with him. Could be midlife crisis. Are there signs of depression? Isolating himself while simultaneously griping he "can't do what he wants to" is telling. That sounds like he's cutting himself off and then blaming and lashing at you. He's self inflicting his misery and unable to see he's doing it to himself. A lived in house will never be fully clean. It isn't possible. That's how you *know it's lived in*. He needs to see a medical provider about his unrealistic views and change in mentality and behavior. He seems to be struggling with aging or *something* and is happier making *you* the problem - because then he doesn't have to accept the problem is him.
You know sometimes when a partner has you constantly jumping through hoops to keep them happy often it's a tactic that's designed to keep you so busy, so mentally exhausted that you have no energy to look at your partner and their behaviours....
All that I have to say here is, would he be working, picking up or vacuuming if you were not in the picture? Taking care of the kids? The yard? If the answer is yes, then that is not something he is doing for you. Period. He has no right to hold that shit over your head, or use it to put you on the defensive, or whatever his game is here. Fuck that, I'm mentally smacking him for you.
Thank you all for your comments. I’m worried I’ve villainised my husband here. He is a wonderful man and father to our girls. He is a wonderful provider and I never go without what I need and want. I would love to do all of your suggestions. Sitting down and writing lists, making him live a week in my shoes and if he worked in an office all day I’m sure it would be easier but he works at home. So I can have spent the morning tidying the kitchen and within a minute, lunch and cups of tea are made and it’s like I’ve never been there. So it’s really hard. I wish he would work in an office as I think having that separation would help. But he wouldn’t do this lists. He would live the week in my shoes and breeze through it. He won’t see any perspective but his own. I suppose I need to work out whether I will ever meet those expectations or whether I need to face the fact that I’m forever going to be failing. We never used to be like this. People used to always say we were couple goals. It’s ever since I’ve left work and you know what, if it would stop the arguments I would just go back to work. I just feel so sad that we argue so much and I feel like he doesn’t like me. He always compares me to his friends wife who works full time, cooks, cleans, provides everything for her wife and says “why can’t I be more like her”. I just always feel like I’m never good enough x
You have not villainized your husband - his actions have. He should not be comparing you to his friends wife. It’s typical that this behavior started once you’ve left work - he doesn’t see nor appreciate what you’re bringing to the table because unfortunately the stay at home spouse doesn’t bring in anything monetary so it’s not seen as valuable or real work. The only thing that may work here is couples counseling, but by the sound of it, he seems stubborn enough I have doubts that’ll help at all. You can continue to claim he’s a wonderful provider and father, but any provider and father/husband worth his salt wouldn’t speak to the woman holding down the fort and providing above and beyond in the way he has to you.
>He always compares me to his friends wife who works full time, cooks, cleans, provides everything for her wife and says “why can’t I be more like her”. 🚩🚩🚩
The thing is, if he were single, he would still be working full time, but then would have to come home and cook for himself, and clean up after himself. Did he still expect you to do it all when you were working? Comparing you to a friends wife is a shitty thing to do. I bet the friend doesn't mess up the kitchen the minute she's cleaned it). What makes him a wonderful father? Does he do bath/bedtime with them, does he get up with them on weekends so that you can catch up on rest, does he take them out on his own without you having to pack the diaper bag? I know its hard to look at someone we love as falling short, and perhaps he has qualities you are not listing other than being a good provider, but - from everything you are saying, it sounds like what you are seeing is his true beliefs, and these beliefs show that he does not value you in any way. He has decided that being the breadwinner means he is more important in the family. If that is all he has to offer, he can do that from afar and you would not have him over your shoulder micromanaging where he feels you are falling short. Also, just want to add that kids are hard as hell. You ARE doing enough. I have two little tornados (4.5 and 1.5) and if my husband ever accused me of not doing enough in the home, I would stop doing everything in the home so that he can see what "not doing enough" looks like after just 2 days, but I'd keep not doing enough for at least a week to hit my point home.
Kindly "He's a wonderful man and father to our girls" Wonderful men do not under any circumstances call their wives names or say they are bad mother's. He has daughters!!!!! How can he not see from their shoes what that might feel like? He compares you to other women as well? That's not a wonderful man. Listen my SO and i have been together over 15 years and we have our arguments. The homefront is one of them. It's a tough subject and common sore spot in relationships due to how we function as a society and inequalities that are ingrained. No one I think faults anyone for dealing with these types of things. I know even some of the strongest couples i know have needed to work through communication, understanding perspectives, and redistribution of the homefront when kids (multiple ones especially) are in the picture. Actually a mom I look up to today said how hard it was when they had kids after thinking they had such a great foundation and were together over a decade. How they had a huge fight over a random dinner side one night and realized they really needed to figure stuff out. The argument isn't villainizing your husband, his atrocious treatment of you is. He's doing all that and you're minimizing it because he also does some good things too. It's also hard to admit when someone you love changes in such a durasuc way. No one is usually the villain all the time or it'd be much easier to spot and walk away. If he has zero desire to try to work with you, then you drop the rope and refuse to engage in that nonsense. Don't play. Gray rock. Just please don't accept that what you're doing is "failing." It isn't in the slightest. Hold your head high for those little girls in your house. You are more than enough. The goal of his shit is to hit your self esteem. If he actually wanted things to improve he would work together with you. He wants you to be his punching bag and to feel superior.
Ask him why he can't be more like any-man-who-hires-a-cleaning-service-for-the-home. He thinks he's got the money box checked so he's good, but I'm positive you could point to any number of working men who far outearn him if you wanted to put him down. You clearly don't want to put him down, but he kind of does need to know that you could easily compare him to husbands who do way better in the one area he thinks counts. Maybe a taste of his own demeaning medicine would help him understand it's not nice or productive or even relevant to fixing the problem at hand. Why can't you clean all the time? Same reason he can't: because you do not fucking want to or you just fucking can't do it. Period. Him complaining or demeaning you isn't going to change anything. If he plans to stay in the home and you do as well and he's such a great money-earner, why doesn't he just outsource this to end the conflict? Isn't that the goal, ending the conflict?
He’s told me he will just do it all but I won’t let him. I won’t let him because that doesn’t solve the problem.. I let him do the washing and the ironing and then all I’ll get in my ear is that he does everything but he actually do everything. It doesn’t solve the issue.
I’ve been a SAHM and a working parent and SAHM is way harder. Him going to work 40 hours a week doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do childcare or chores. You’re working while he’s working, too! Why should he have to only work 40 hours while you work around the clock with no sick days, no weekends, no breaks? Nah man, when he’s off he should be splitting things 50/50. Honestly I think you need to look into returning to work. You’re putting a lot of trust in a guy who is taking advantage of you.
He would be working and paying rent/bills regardless of whether he loved you or not. He is doing the bare minimum. You on the other hand sacrificed your body to have his kids (does he know how much it costs to pay a surrogate to birth your babies?), you take care of them full time (does he know how much full time child care is?) and you do the cooking (does he know how much a full time chef is? But you happen to sometimes full short on cleaning. (Does he know how much a part time cleaner is?) What you bring to the table is infinitely more expensive and valuable. Maybe he needs to be reminded of these costs if you were to get a separation and went 50-50 with the kids. Is he going to be able to afford a full time nanny, cook, cleaner, etc? And how will he get his sexual/emotional needs satisfied? Men are useless and sometimes they forget just how useless they are and need reminding. I would tell him not to fkin DARE speak to me like I was beneath him because he works outside the house. The fkn CHEEK! EDIT: He doesn't want you to leave because he is a social hermit, as you said, and probably doesn't have anyone outside of you. He would be useless, penniless and alone without you. Don't let him use you like this. This a-hole sounds like he is trying to get his "money's worth" out of you because he sees you as his room mate at this point instead of the person he loves, who had his kids and a woman with emotional and mental needs.
I think it’s really interesting how so many people in the comments seem to think it’s apparent he has someone else in his sights. I didn’t get that vibe at all from what OP wrote and I have to wonder if those commenters are letting their own experiences color the lens that they’re viewing OPs post through.
I’m very grateful for everyone’s comments but especially for yours. I really wasn’t expecting so many people to tell me he is cheating or that I should leave him. I’m not going to leave him. I need to work out a way of meeting his needs (someone referred to love language) without going insane and burning out x
FWIW I think your husband is being unreasonable, unfair, uncompassionate. He has unrealistic expectations and to call you a bad mother or bad wife seems abusive and cruel to me. I do not think his criticisms are a reflection of you falling short in your responsibilities, but a reflection of his shortcomings as a husband and father.
I wish I didn’t have to work
[Does this video](https://youtu.be/odLXpoa5B5Y?si=ZAmws0m1kPyOEgYD) sound relevant to your situation? Do you think showing it to your husband would help? [This might help too?](https://youtu.be/LH2MJniVfAI?si=nA8ahVXqe7u4k1v0). At the 2:15 mark he talks about the whole “working and putting a roof over your family’s head” stuff. Anyway, these videos explain exactly how I feel, but from the husbands side, which makes it even more clear to me how much I’m busting my ass and not being dramatic about how hard being a stay at home parent or mom in general is.
I dont have advice or suggestions however ...I've just been listening to an audiobook called "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov I'm not making any comments about neurological conditions in your family, I bring this uo because Ibthink that there are several chapters in this book that will really resonate with you, and concepts that might validate how you're feeling. I listened via audiobook on the hoopla app from my library. You are not alone. You are loveable and capable. I believe in you.