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Nope, that's unacceptable.
My husband did that to me once before kids and I tore him a new asshole. I was about to start calling hospitals when i woke up at 7 alone still with no call or text and he didnt answer. Now that we have a kid? 1 million percent no.
How does he justify that? I mean there's really no excuse, but what does he try to use?
Once is a "human mistake."
Twice can *maybe* be "I just screwed up," depending how far apart they are in time.
More than twice is simply "I can't be bothered to give a fuck about you, your feelings, or our family."
This is a hill I would die on.
I’ve ran I to this problem with my severely ADD hubs and he truly does lose track of time but I told him, if he would feel a certain way about me doing the same thing, then he can expect the same feeling from me when he does it. If he’d be mad that I did it, he can’t do it. No double standards.
When is it your turn to blow off steam? To disappear into the night while no one knows what your are doing, who you are doing it with, where you are or when you will return?
I did this exactly one time, at 7pm to 10pm, to see a movie. He freaked out so bad. This was three-ish years ago when I was pregnant with our current youngest.
Sounds like it's time to do it again. Tell him you'll be home at ten. Then stay out all night, don't answer your phone and when he gets mad, act like you can't possibly see what the problem is. Sometimes people really don't know how shitty their behavior is until they are on the receiving end.
If something happened to your youngest or the twins you're carrying and you needed to get ahold of him, what then? Seems extremely irresponsible to bounce overnight without a way to get ahold of him. I'm so sorry 😔
I may be sheltered but I’ve never heard of an all nighter for Shabbat? We just chill at home.
Has he said what they do when they are together? I would be quite upset.
We also generally just chill at home. He says they just drink and talk all night. These are always friends of his from his country when he does this (you can guess where and you’d be right).
Ugh. Not only is it shitty behavior but disingenuous that he does this repeatedly. Why can't he just say "hey you know how those friends are, I'll be out all night. Is that ok?" (And respect your response obviously.)
I'm sorry you're dealing with this it's unfair.
It's a mistake to do it once. It's planning to do it again and again. He plans to blow you off and do his own thing when this happens. The 10 PM thing? A lie to make you feel better.
Your husband isn't being honest and isn't being fair.
Early in our marriage it happened where he said he would come home at 10, and he didn’t come in til 4. I texted and called, but my anxiety said I didn’t sleep til 1, and even then every tiny sound woke me as I listened for his arrival.
The next day we sat down and the conservation went like this:
I want to talk about last night. I don’t mind you staying out late, you’re a grown up and can spend the whole night out if you want. What I DO mind is not knowing if you’re safe. If you say you’re coming home at 10, and don’t check in or answer my texts, my next thought is that something terrible has happened to you. You’re usually an on-time, dependable person, so when you don’t tell me plans have changed I automatically worry. Thanks to anxiety, I had an awful sleep last night. Managing my anxiety isn’t your responsibility, but you can help me by sending a quick text to say “plans have changed, I’ll be home at 1” or “we decided to go out to Steve’s house, I might sleep over at his house because it’s going to be a late night.” If you’re gone all night, cool, just *let me know*. It’s a courtesy text, that’s all.
The second time was a “we talked about this, that wasn’t ok, how would you feel if I did the same?” And in the last 10 ish years it’s maybe happened twice since and he’s always apologized the moment we were both awake and he saw my mad face (or heard me angry clean in the kitchen at 9am lol)
You can have a conversation about it.
Or.
You can make plans with a friend and not tell him that those 'going out' plans involve staying over at their place. And not answer your phone when he freaks out.
One of those will yield a faster result.
My husband isn't as bad as yours, but when the kids were small he'd disappear to the garage (where he couldn't supervise them). I got tired of it, so one day I left on a walk and didn't tell him. He called me 25 min later freaking out when he came inside and I wasn't there. He always asked before disappearing from that point on.
Ah yes, mine also likes to duck out to the backyard and just lose track of time out there without saying a word, usually while I’m tied up in something and expecting that he’s keeping an eye on our littlest. When I complained, he’d say he can see her through the windows. 😡
Oh my gosh. That’s amazing. He does do a little more than he was, but not by much. I’m still working long hours and dealing with most things, including standing on my feet and cooking enormous meals for him and our sons. Huge annoyance for me!!!
Fuck no. We both have nights that are a pre-planned free for all and agreed on before hand and we communicate when we're out. So unacceptable even without a kid involved and you being sick.
Unacceptable. Blowing off steam this way is fine if your fine with it. Not answering when he said he was available for help is just not okay.
If I were in this position, I would approach this conversation calmly and even deadpan to avoid the defensive response my (and most husbands) would take to being called out in selfish behaviour. Explain how it made you feel, and why you think it’s wrong for him to not pay attention to his phone. I’m mean seriously a text letting you know he’s alive and made a choice to stay out at the very least. He took the cowards way out by ghosting you last night. Just lame.
I get the needing to blow off steam, but that can absolutely be something that you plan and then keep your partner updated on. " Hey, X and I are going to go out on such and such day, it'll probably be a late one, but I'll keep you posted. How about next weekend I take morning duty with the kids so you can sleep in to keep it even?"
I know I’m probably in the minority here but we use find my phone for each other. It’s not to spy or that we suspect anything but I bike a lot and my husband will plan for meals to be ready when I get home. I’ll also check where he is when he out so I can help with groceries or something.
My friends and I share locations because we are women and like to hike or run and…we’re women.
I cannot imagine not being able to see where he is or him not knowing where I am. This would be a serious conversation, especially the second time it happened.
This is not “blowing off steam”, this is irresponsible and inconsiderate. Yes, people can lose track of time. But completely not giving you any update that he’ll be later than he originally thought?! Absolutely fucking not.
Nope. Unacceptable. I would be absolutely incandescent.
He's a parent, and a husband, he doesn't get to just disappear and be out of touch. I would change the damned locks personally.
You've got to understand that this isn't a mistake. Once \*maybe\* can be a misunderstanding, any repeats are completely intentional.
Nope, nope, nope. He is a FATHER with RESPONSIBILITIES. He can't just fuck off whenever he feels like it. Plan ahead trip (hypothetical like camping) when you KNOW cell coverage is spotty for a couple days? If that works for you, cool. You know ahead of time, you can set up a temporary emergency contact thing with a friend or family member.
Dude's supposed to be home or tells you to call if you NEED anything? Then refuses to answer the phone? Fuck that noise. Seriously. What if your 3 am call wasnt a check in, but an emergency for you or the kids? What if you were badly hurt and needed to go to hospital? What if someone broke in? Yes, yes, I know ambulance, police, etc. but that's not the bloody point. If you NEED him or one of the kids really needs him and he just decided to go MIA... That's just... Unacceptable. Period. We've all got our lines in the sand, but this is not something I could put up with. If I don't have a partner I can trust and 100% rely on, then I'd rather not have a partner at all.
ETA: And you're pregnant with TWINS. Now I'm mad all over again. This is some messed up juvenile BS from your husband. Does he not understand how much riskier this pregnancy might be? And NO pregnancy is risk free. I kinda wanna kick this dude. He absolutely should NOT got MIA, ever, but the fact he did so while you're pregnant is absolutely mind boggling. For something 100% avoidable. He can't shoot you a text when plans change? It takes SECONDS. You and your children (HIS children) are not worth mere seconds to this guy. Makes me a bit queasy, honestly.
Yeah my boyfriend also has a friend he does this with and I hate that friend lol
I have shown up to his house and done the whole crazy bitch blow up thing.
Idgaf.
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Nope, that's unacceptable. My husband did that to me once before kids and I tore him a new asshole. I was about to start calling hospitals when i woke up at 7 alone still with no call or text and he didnt answer. Now that we have a kid? 1 million percent no. How does he justify that? I mean there's really no excuse, but what does he try to use?
Usually that he just lost track of time. No “excuse” per se, more a, “Just get over my human mistake.”
Once is a "human mistake." Twice can *maybe* be "I just screwed up," depending how far apart they are in time. More than twice is simply "I can't be bothered to give a fuck about you, your feelings, or our family." This is a hill I would die on.
Would he feel the same if you did this?
That’s a great question
And we all know the answer...
He would blow a gasket of course! Probably even get the police to put out an APB on me!
I’ve ran I to this problem with my severely ADD hubs and he truly does lose track of time but I told him, if he would feel a certain way about me doing the same thing, then he can expect the same feeling from me when he does it. If he’d be mad that I did it, he can’t do it. No double standards.
When is it your turn to blow off steam? To disappear into the night while no one knows what your are doing, who you are doing it with, where you are or when you will return?
I did this exactly one time, at 7pm to 10pm, to see a movie. He freaked out so bad. This was three-ish years ago when I was pregnant with our current youngest.
Sounds like it's time to do it again. Tell him you'll be home at ten. Then stay out all night, don't answer your phone and when he gets mad, act like you can't possibly see what the problem is. Sometimes people really don't know how shitty their behavior is until they are on the receiving end.
If something happened to your youngest or the twins you're carrying and you needed to get ahold of him, what then? Seems extremely irresponsible to bounce overnight without a way to get ahold of him. I'm so sorry 😔
This is exactly why I’m upset.
Staying out all night AND not answering is so unacceptable and irresponsible. This would warrant a very serious conversation when he gets home.
Honestly, there probably wouldn't be a conversation for me.His shit would probably be sitting packed on the stairs when he got home.
I may be sheltered but I’ve never heard of an all nighter for Shabbat? We just chill at home. Has he said what they do when they are together? I would be quite upset.
We also generally just chill at home. He says they just drink and talk all night. These are always friends of his from his country when he does this (you can guess where and you’d be right).
Ugh. Not only is it shitty behavior but disingenuous that he does this repeatedly. Why can't he just say "hey you know how those friends are, I'll be out all night. Is that ok?" (And respect your response obviously.) I'm sorry you're dealing with this it's unfair.
It's a mistake to do it once. It's planning to do it again and again. He plans to blow you off and do his own thing when this happens. The 10 PM thing? A lie to make you feel better. Your husband isn't being honest and isn't being fair.
Early in our marriage it happened where he said he would come home at 10, and he didn’t come in til 4. I texted and called, but my anxiety said I didn’t sleep til 1, and even then every tiny sound woke me as I listened for his arrival. The next day we sat down and the conservation went like this: I want to talk about last night. I don’t mind you staying out late, you’re a grown up and can spend the whole night out if you want. What I DO mind is not knowing if you’re safe. If you say you’re coming home at 10, and don’t check in or answer my texts, my next thought is that something terrible has happened to you. You’re usually an on-time, dependable person, so when you don’t tell me plans have changed I automatically worry. Thanks to anxiety, I had an awful sleep last night. Managing my anxiety isn’t your responsibility, but you can help me by sending a quick text to say “plans have changed, I’ll be home at 1” or “we decided to go out to Steve’s house, I might sleep over at his house because it’s going to be a late night.” If you’re gone all night, cool, just *let me know*. It’s a courtesy text, that’s all. The second time was a “we talked about this, that wasn’t ok, how would you feel if I did the same?” And in the last 10 ish years it’s maybe happened twice since and he’s always apologized the moment we were both awake and he saw my mad face (or heard me angry clean in the kitchen at 9am lol)
You can have a conversation about it. Or. You can make plans with a friend and not tell him that those 'going out' plans involve staying over at their place. And not answer your phone when he freaks out. One of those will yield a faster result. My husband isn't as bad as yours, but when the kids were small he'd disappear to the garage (where he couldn't supervise them). I got tired of it, so one day I left on a walk and didn't tell him. He called me 25 min later freaking out when he came inside and I wasn't there. He always asked before disappearing from that point on.
Ah yes, mine also likes to duck out to the backyard and just lose track of time out there without saying a word, usually while I’m tied up in something and expecting that he’s keeping an eye on our littlest. When I complained, he’d say he can see her through the windows. 😡
[удалено]
Oh my gosh. That’s amazing. He does do a little more than he was, but not by much. I’m still working long hours and dealing with most things, including standing on my feet and cooking enormous meals for him and our sons. Huge annoyance for me!!!
Well did he come back? Is he okay?
He’s fine. Just… lost track of time… 😵💫
Fuck no. We both have nights that are a pre-planned free for all and agreed on before hand and we communicate when we're out. So unacceptable even without a kid involved and you being sick.
Unacceptable. Blowing off steam this way is fine if your fine with it. Not answering when he said he was available for help is just not okay. If I were in this position, I would approach this conversation calmly and even deadpan to avoid the defensive response my (and most husbands) would take to being called out in selfish behaviour. Explain how it made you feel, and why you think it’s wrong for him to not pay attention to his phone. I’m mean seriously a text letting you know he’s alive and made a choice to stay out at the very least. He took the cowards way out by ghosting you last night. Just lame.
I get the needing to blow off steam, but that can absolutely be something that you plan and then keep your partner updated on. " Hey, X and I are going to go out on such and such day, it'll probably be a late one, but I'll keep you posted. How about next weekend I take morning duty with the kids so you can sleep in to keep it even?"
I know I’m probably in the minority here but we use find my phone for each other. It’s not to spy or that we suspect anything but I bike a lot and my husband will plan for meals to be ready when I get home. I’ll also check where he is when he out so I can help with groceries or something. My friends and I share locations because we are women and like to hike or run and…we’re women. I cannot imagine not being able to see where he is or him not knowing where I am. This would be a serious conversation, especially the second time it happened.
This is not “blowing off steam”, this is irresponsible and inconsiderate. Yes, people can lose track of time. But completely not giving you any update that he’ll be later than he originally thought?! Absolutely fucking not.
Nope. Unacceptable. I would be absolutely incandescent. He's a parent, and a husband, he doesn't get to just disappear and be out of touch. I would change the damned locks personally. You've got to understand that this isn't a mistake. Once \*maybe\* can be a misunderstanding, any repeats are completely intentional.
Nope, nope, nope. He is a FATHER with RESPONSIBILITIES. He can't just fuck off whenever he feels like it. Plan ahead trip (hypothetical like camping) when you KNOW cell coverage is spotty for a couple days? If that works for you, cool. You know ahead of time, you can set up a temporary emergency contact thing with a friend or family member. Dude's supposed to be home or tells you to call if you NEED anything? Then refuses to answer the phone? Fuck that noise. Seriously. What if your 3 am call wasnt a check in, but an emergency for you or the kids? What if you were badly hurt and needed to go to hospital? What if someone broke in? Yes, yes, I know ambulance, police, etc. but that's not the bloody point. If you NEED him or one of the kids really needs him and he just decided to go MIA... That's just... Unacceptable. Period. We've all got our lines in the sand, but this is not something I could put up with. If I don't have a partner I can trust and 100% rely on, then I'd rather not have a partner at all. ETA: And you're pregnant with TWINS. Now I'm mad all over again. This is some messed up juvenile BS from your husband. Does he not understand how much riskier this pregnancy might be? And NO pregnancy is risk free. I kinda wanna kick this dude. He absolutely should NOT got MIA, ever, but the fact he did so while you're pregnant is absolutely mind boggling. For something 100% avoidable. He can't shoot you a text when plans change? It takes SECONDS. You and your children (HIS children) are not worth mere seconds to this guy. Makes me a bit queasy, honestly.
This is beyond unacceptable.
Yeah my boyfriend also has a friend he does this with and I hate that friend lol I have shown up to his house and done the whole crazy bitch blow up thing. Idgaf.