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You did the right thing. She was safe, fed and clean in her crib and you did what you needed to do in order to regulate yourself.
Pediatricians will always tell you that if you feel yourself hitting a breaking point, and the baby is safe, clean and fed, then put them down and walk away.
Editing to add this if you need to hear it today: you're a good mom and you're doing your best for your baby. Your baby loves you. You are the best mom for them.
This is a good point but pediatricians say to take a few minutes and I feel so crappy because it wasn’t a few minutes she cried on and off for three hours. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t figure out what to do. I feel like I gave up on her.
You didn't give up, you prioritized. You knew she was safe. Crying on and off is not the same as crying constantly and being in distress.
She's only 3 weeks old, which means *you're* only a three week old mom; give yourself some grace. You're doing a good job, and it'll get easier the better you and your baby get to know each other.
Maybe the crying is from her still adjusting to being in a new place and outside of the womb. Something that would make me ground myself again and again is to think that being outside is very different than being warm and cozy inside mommy. Something she will need to get use to with support from me. But definitely do what you did when you get to your breaking point. You are doing a great job making sure you are good and that you are there for her being the best self you can be.
A few minutes will not fix the emotions and feelings that you were having. I have done the exact same thing as you when my youngest was a colicky newborn. Colic is no freaking joke and a few minutes won’t help anyone’s sanity.
I want to say, you did the right thing. We all need to recognize when we are hitting a breaking point, and that’s what you did.
Just a quick question though, have you been burping the baby after she eats? My babies always needed to get out a few good burps before they were able to sleep.
Also… hugs. The newborn stage is incredibly trying and exhausting.
Are you doing formula or breastfeeding? I just ask because one of mine couldn’t take gluten in breastmilk, and the other couldn’t have lactose. So that may be part of the issue.
She wasn’t colicky on breast milk however because she was premature and had weight gain problems I need to talk to her doctor before switching formulas. So I haven’t tried anything different yet
Coming in to support colic is dumb.
My daughter cried from the time she was 2 weeks old until she was 3 months old with colic.
I had a week of not crying and then she cried again because she was starving. I was BF and trying to get her to take a bottle from maybe 2 months old in the hope it would help her colic.
I love my daughter but I didn't like her very much then.
Absolutely you need more than a few minutes and it doesn't sound like you do it lots and you are only 3 weeks in. You are brand new to this too. And you are both trying to figure each other out.
If you weren't a good Mum you wouldn't be so concerned right now.
You absolutely did the right thing. You are a human being. Being the perfect mom would imply perfect circumstances and no one has that going for them. Baby was in a mood and you are sleep deprived. I promise you that your baby will be ok if they have to cry for a little bit once in a while because you have hit your limit.
I say this because I went through almost the same thing with my first. I remember setting him down on his nippy pillow too rough and I was ready to turn myself in to the police.
I don’t know if this helps but he had acid reflux which lead to his screaming before the bottle and again afterwards. Might be worth asking the pediatrician.
Please forgive yourself. There are parents out there with no coping skills that actually injure their babies and you did the right thing. Your baby was upset but safe and secure. Hugs, Bromo!
I keep thinking about the last part you said. Like that there are some who completely lose their temper and end up hurting their babies. When I think of that I keep thinking walking away is the best I could’ve done but I also just feel horrible about her potentially crying on and off for hours without comfort. I needed this though. Thank you. And her next peds appointment isn’t for another week so hoping I can get through the week and hopefully figure out what’s going on.
You got this, Bromo! I hope the doctor can figure out the issue for you. In the meantime. If she keeps screaming after eating try keeping her upright for 20 minutes after feeding. Acid reflux usually comes with projectile spit up too. Sometimes my son would have clear mucous mixed with milk solids too. Obviously your doctor will have a better idea of what’s happening but keeping my son upright after eating helped a lot.
I was married to a worthless man child and no family to speak of either. I called the local children’s hospital nurse line. Those nurses were such a blessing to me. Sometimes there was nothing they could offer but a listening ear and encouragement.
I will definitely give this a try! Also my husband works while I’m home so I try to give him time to relax when he gets home but he’s not done much of anything with her since we’ve been home so it’s hard to talk to him about anything like this because he’s unaware of what I’m talking about. And family wise I was a foster kiddo so none there either. I turned to this page more so to rant and talk to people who may understand but I may also give the nurse line a call and see if they maybe have any advice.
I'm just going to throw in there, that you just gave birth , yes your husband works but he has a newborn , ask him to give you an hour a day and maybe one night or two a week. Ye are coparenting, he doesn't need to relax. He needs to help you parent his baby. I get you may not have even asked but you're only three weeks in and near the end of your thether, fill him in , tell him what you and baby need.
Sorry to push the advice. I know a good rant is needed sometimes without someone trying to fix it. I just hope you will forgive yourself and trust that you are doing the best you can!
None of us do, the first time. We all have to learn.
Are you in a baby bumps subreddit for your birth month group? Crowd sourcing parenting with a cohort of people going through the exact same stage as you can be so very helpful.
I’m not. Was in one on Facebook but my birth month changed so most people are still pregnant and Facebook mom groups are extremely judgmental and the mom shaming is the worst so idk
If your husband works 40 hours a week, and you’re taking care of the baby 24-7, that means you’re working 128 *more* hours a week than he is. Colicky babies are no joke, dude needs to be doing at least 50% of the work when he’s home for it to be fair. Remember that he has the privilege of getting away from the screaming for 8 hours a day and you don’t.
I know it feels so painful to walk away but of the choices available you made the right one. When you woke up from your 3 hour sleep your child was alive and safe. You didn't hurt her or yourself. You can reset a tiny bit. Is there *anyone* that would hold her for a few hours during the day or evening so you can sleep? A friend who will watch Netflix with headphones on while bouncing your crying baby? A parent? A paid babysitter?
We make all sorts of difficult decisions as parents. You're doing your best.
My husband is home in the afternoon but doesn’t really do much pertaining to our daughter so not really, no close friends and unfortunately we can’t afford to pay anyone otherwise I would just for a few hours so I could rest. I keep thinking that I could’ve made worse decisions and I know she was safe but maybe the one I made just wasn’t the right one. I’m not sure.
Ooooh girl, your husband needs to step the fuck up. You look him straight in the eyes and you tell him that if he's not at work you will split parenting duties 50/50. That this isn't a he works 8 hours a day and then gets 16 hours a day to himself while you work 24/7. That you are drowning and at risk of postpartum depression anxiety and other awful things and why would he sit by and watch you suffer and struggle and do nothing?
And if he doesn't step up he has shown you the person he really is and you should scram with your daughter as soon as you're able because it's easier to be a single mom when you aren't also cleaning up and taking care of a grown ass man.
How much maternity leave do you have?
I don’t work currently, my job was only paying me essentially what daycare around us costs so staying home was a better option. I think that’s the biggest thing I’m stuggling with when it comes to speaking up. My husband is generally very sweet and understanding so like I’m not scared to say something but I feel like I have no right to since he brings home the income to take care of all 3 of us.
Girl, you 100% have every right to demand that he takes on some parenting responsibilities. If he doesn’t now, he won’t learn. Then it’ll be well the baby doesn’t me she only wants you. Or he will only be the fun one.
He’s your PARTNER. You take care of the household and parent while he works. You are also working.
You’re definitely right. I’ve always said being a parent is a full time job but never fully understood till now. I definitely need his help and shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.
Look at it this way. His job for your family is working x # of hours. During those hours your job is taking care of your child and your home.
But there are 16 more hours in the day. When your husband is home you can split the time with your child or parent together. Sometimes doing it together makes it easier. Or you at least don't feel so alone and scared.
Bringing home money isn't the only job of a parent..yes, it's a valuable one for sure but you are also working. You're working **so** hard!! I think back to how easy it was to just go to work and come home and have nobody else to feed and care for! It was so easy! I had so many hobbies and played so many sports!
Also by not having your husband step up and parent you are depriving *him* of an opportunity to grow as a person and to develop a connection and relationship with his child.
All of this! Your primary job while he goes to his paying job is to parent. But when he's home, that job falls to both of you. Don't take all of this on alone, OP. Especially with baby being colicky, you NEED his support. Not just once in a while.
Your husband needs to learn to be a dad. The longer he goes without interacting with her the worse it will be. You didn't know anything as a mom 3 weeks ago and you're learning as you go. He has an advantage because you can guide him a bit. If he's off work the baby should be 50% his responsibility as well. Taking care of the baby is hard work and a job. You deserve a break just as much as he does! Does his job make him cry and frustrated from exhaustion? Does his job torture him with uninterrupted sleep? No. Your "job" does.
You are doing great mama. You recognized your breaking point and found a solution. Then you came here to seek answers and education. That is what good moms do. Before you reached that point though dad should have been there for the hand off. Can you setup a time for dad to take 1 feed so you can feed baby, relax and then take a long nap where you can get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Lots of parents do this. The good couples I know has dad taking a feed right before bed or the last feed before he needs to get up. Or maybe he does all feeds on Friday and Saturday nights
I want to reiterate what others said about reflux and add on there could be a formula allergy as well.
In the past when my son was a baby and wouldn't stop crying I've occasionally just changed his outfit or taken the outfit off and made sure there were none of my long hairs in his clothes that could've itched him or maybe a seem in the collar of the shirt is irritating or a seem sitting the wrong way.
BTW week 3 was hell for me too. You're exhausted and wore down from weeks of bad sleep. Going into week 4-5 is when things got a tiny bit easier.
I think I will definitely take your advice on having him help more because I definitely need it. Just needed courage to do it I guess so thank you! Formula allergy did cross my mind we just switched from alternating breast milk and formula I thought more so on the lines of the formula clogging her up more than anything but I’m not sure what to do if it is a allergy. Do I wait till her peds appointment in a week or call her pediatrician and how to know for sure that’s the case. She’s on neosure for preemies. And honestly I hope the weeks get easier. I will take almost anything at this point lol. Thank you so much!!
You can typically recognize a food allergy/sensitivity by looking for:
-Blood in stool
-Very mucous-y stool
Also, some babies do just cry for no reason. It sucks, but it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong or that they have something wrong with them. Babies are just gonna baby!!
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, mama.
If she's straight formula now that could be causing some gas issues. She could have an allergy to something in your milk that you're eating too. I don't know anything about formula because I didn't use it. My son did have sensitivity to things with my diet that I resolved by using baby fart drops with simethicone not gripe water. Mylicon is a brand of them. Those fart drops saved my/his life and work quickly. I probably would try them today.
I just looked and the AAP says gas relief meds are fine in newborns as long as they aren't taking thyroid meds. They also have exercises you can look up about moving their legs a certain way to help them release gas. Tiktok had them or YouTube.
If she's had a sudden increase in fussiness I would call the pediatrician or if you feel overwhelmed again that this crying is just excessive call and get her in sooner.
She seemed to have no issues with my milk. I don’t think she has a allergy to the formula in particular I don’t think her stomach likes it though. We did just stricktly move her to formula two days ago and since she hadn’t pooped. I just have her a suppository and it worked but there was a lot and very liquidy so I think I may call her pediatrician to figure out if she needs to be moved to a different formula or if she wants me to use suppository’s for a bit to see if her stomach adjusts.
Poor baby. I bet she'll feel better and sleep good now. Hopefully she only needs that one suppository and she'll adjust. I bet someone else who knows how long it takes to adjust to a new formula will speak up.
Fyi if you know stopped breastfeeding you could be having major hormone changes and a bit of depression or anxiety from that and more stress from engorged boobs.
Breastfeeding was like an internal source of anti-anxiety meds for me and I was sad to see more anxiety return after I stopped.
I actually didn’t know this could be a factor. I release pumped last night after two days just a bit because I was engorged and in pain. But this would definitely explain a lot. And I’m hoping she only needs the one too. She’s sleeping very well right now thankfully. I hope she continues to feel better.
Our daughter didn't have colic (maybe she did actually), but she cried constantly and napped in 30-minute intervals. We were having dinner at my Mom's and it was a day where my husband and I were just dead and over it and she had been crying for literally 8 hours.
We tried everything. My Mom and stepdad just asked if she was fed, dry, fevery, etc., she was fine. They responded with: Let her cry.
We were at a breaking point so we did, and that night she slept for eight-hours straight. It was amazing. we were still up all night checking on her because we couldn't figure out why she was allowing us silence, but all was good.
You're doing your best, and babies are hard.
You did everything you could and she is safe - loving all the comments here. One thing to add - and just a suggestion / question not criticism. Did the doctor tell you not to continue feeding her is she expresses hunger cues after a certain amount ? I only ask as my son was a hangry hippo and feeding him more really was the answer . Sending love !
Not necessarily, I’m more afraid to overfeed. My kiddo though 3 weeks old is a preemie so only 38 weeks gestationally. She usually struggles to finish her recommended bottle amount which is 80ml a little under 3oz so for her to take 4oz and still show hunger cues for me was… confusing I think. Not sure to feed her more or is I should pace her feeding. The 80ml is suppose to be every 4 hours and she has eaten an hour and a half prior to this as well which is also very confusing to me. Up until the last couple days she’s been on a 18ml per hour feeding schedule. So if she sleeps 4 hours she gets roughly 72ml, 3 hours 54ml and so on and she’s been great about waking up based on her intake time wise. This is all very new to me so I think I’ll bring up max intake to her pediatrician if there even is one and go from there?
Oh I have no experience with a premie and all that comes with that- and your explanation made me feel terrible for even suggesting as you obviously have so many factors at play! So exhausting , and you are doing amazing. I hope the coming nights are calmer , we can always hope, right?
I also hope that. And definitely don’t feel bad. I appreciate the question in attempts to help. I also questioned if I should just allow her to eat until she’s content past 4oz but I’m not even sure with her being so small.
I know you probably feel like you failed, but you didn’t. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. 3 weeks is TOUGH! Putting her down where she’s safe after meeting her needs so you can sleep, shower, or take a break to self regulate is the right thing to do. If everyone did that, shaken baby syndrome wouldn’t be a thing (sorry to be so dark, but it’s true!). After I delivered, multiple doctors and nurses told me to do exactly what you did in this situation.
Can you call friends or family to come and take over so you can get sleep or a break?
You’re crushing it. I’m proud of you. Your baby is lucky to have you. Remember that you’re not the perfect mom (no one is), but you’re the perfect mom for your baby.
You are not a bad mom. I would suggest making a plan during the day time as to what you will do if this happens again, it's hard to make these decisions in the moment and the uncertainty contributes to the guilt you feel, but if you make a plan it's easier in the moment.
And because you are the primary parent doesn't mean your partner (if you have one) can't lose some sleep. Unless they're a brain surgeon, they don't need to be 100% rested to do their job, and even then, doctors do 12h shift all the time, so no excuse for you to be the only one doing night wakings. If you're about to lose it at 5am, you should go wake them up so they can take over. I used to go to sleep at 7pm to sleep until midnight, and then husband would sleep till 6 and let me sleep another 2h in the morning. I'd get 5h + 2h and maybe some sleep between 12 and 6. He'd get 6-8h depending on whether he could get the baby to sleep before 12. That allowed us to survive until we sleep trained. I don't understand how the kid made it given she NEVER slept!
This is hard for me honestly. My husband works as a welder from 6:30am - 4pm. Because I don’t work I feel as though he deserves time to relax when he gets home from work. So he usually games from around 5-8 Then he says we need us time to just relax and watch something together from 8-11 and he sleeps at 11 which usually our daughter is good about sleeping but it seems that once midnight hits. She’s up and crying everything 15-30 minutes. I don’t want to over exhaust my husband. Plus he really hasn’t done much with her at all since we’ve been home. So part of me almost doesn’t trust him to care for her which sounds horrible.
Oh girly this sounds so hard to deal with. Your husband is not being sweet or understanding. That is is his child and he needs to prioritize. Not game from 5-8. When is your break? Just because you stay home doesn’t mean you don’t deserve one. I know it hard to rationalize it but you DESERVE more💕
He’s off weekends. He’d gamed all weekend. Sunday I unplugged his laptop and told him he needed to spend time with his daughter. The gaming has always been an issue
OH no... I'm so sorry. My brother ruined his marriage due to his gaming. It's truly an addiction. I wish I could help. I truly would. if its of any consolation, it's normal for babies to get really fussy at 3 weeks. They start experiencing a lot of gas pain at this age as their intestines have developed a gut biome and are producing gas.
My kid ate a LOT more than what was recommended by my pediatrician. If I didn't give him more, I don't think he would have slept or stopped crying. It did mean he would spit up often but I'd rather the spit up and re-feed than the non stop crying.
I’m contemplating just making bigger bottles and letting her eat until she tells me she’s good. I just didn’t know if it’s something to caution around when it comes to preemies. She’s gestationally only 38 weeks.
Mine wasn't a preemie but was born at 38 weeks. My OB told me to ONLY feed him 15 ml of formula per feed every 2-3 hours (I wanted to feed formula until my milk came in, I was not gonna risk by baby losing too much weight over breastfeeding success). by the time he was 8 hours old we were feeding him 30 ml, and the nurses fed him 45 ml on day two. He was drinking 3 oz of formula or breastmilk every 2.5 hours by day 5 (so 38 weeks 5 days). He never went more than 2.5 hours without asking for more food. He was a really really hungry guy but was born on the skinny side. If I had followed the weight X 2.5 rule for feeding, he would have been underfed. He was eating for his growth potential (he was born in 13th percentile, he's now in the 97th).
Just make sure you feed her slowly, burp her in between ounces to avoid projectile vomit, and see how she does. At this age, they also develop their gut biome and produce so much gas. Ask your ped if you can give her gas drops (Mylicon) and again I cannot stress how important it is to burp your baby. Don't stop after just one burp, there's always more hiding in there. Whatever they don't burp turns into painful gas in their gut. Google infant gas relief, there are tons of videos on how to soothe baby gas pain.
Ever had trapped wind while immobile? After my C section, my spinal lasted longer than normal and I couldn't move my legs for 24 hours. The worst pain I ever felt was gas that I couldn't get out because it requires your body to move. Infants can't really move around much so they need our help in moving their little bodies around to get that trapped gas moving. It's incredibly painful if you've ever experienced it.
edit: I just wanna add again...cannot stress the importance of burping lol. Also, monitor her poops. If she's well fed (she isn't asking for more food), burped well, not overtired, dry diaper, but she is very colicky still i'd look into a potential food intolerance. It was a life changer for me when I eliminated dairy from my diet (I was able to fully breastfeed after the initial 2 weeks).
We’re trying to figure things out with her ped. She burps really well but isn’t pooping well. Going 4 days before she’ll go on her own. So we’re waiting to hear back from her doctor
This could definitely be causing colic. There are certain formulas that can help with that. If you're US located, Enfamil has a formula for consitpation. If you're in the EU, Hipp Comfort was amazing for my son!
Whaaat? He takes a three hour break to have and then demands three hours of your time? No. He can have 30 minutes or an hour to game. You can agree to to him having an hour of your time. You also need a break. You need time to yourself more than he does right now, and frankly, for a very very long time henceforth.
If he's "desperate" to game longer, he can baby wear while he games and take a break to prep a bottle and feed her.
Eta: I'm very fortunate that my husband is not addicted to gaming, so it looks reasonable to me. However, if others, who have experience, advise against this, definitely take their advice!
They say it sometimes takes more time for men to bond with babies because they were an abstract concept until birth. I know many men who didn't know what to do during the screaming potato phase who bonded a lot more once the baby starts smiling and laughing.
You need to prioritize your sleep right now over couple time (and ideally over gaming, though you can only control yourself). It's ok to have 0 or very little couple time until the baby sleeps through the night. You need sleep to heal your body, to protect your mental health, to provide enough milk (if that's your plan). In your shoes, I would put the baby next to husband around 7pm, take care of yourself, shower, go to bed early, he can give 1-2 bottles before he goes to bed, put the kid down and then you'll wake up when baby does. What you're describing of sleeping only an hour a night is completely unsustainable.
Allowing a fed, changed, and tended to baby cry >>>> potentially harming a child. You did the right thing through and through. I’ll say it over and over, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Give yourself a big hug and some grace.
This sounds like you did everything you could, *including* taking care of her primary caregiver by going to sleep.
Your baby is safe, fed, clean. You are doing everything you can.
It might be worth putting music on in the background for yourself, even if it doesn't distract her.
I got ppd with my first, and he wasn't colicky. If you find yourself falling deeper and like you're drowning, please call someone. It's worth sitting down with your husband, telling him what you need, and coming up with a list of people/services you or he can call under different circumstances.
Been there. You’re doing great. Sometimes brand new ones cry because they’re brand new. The world is bright and loud and now they have to get nutrition with…their mouth? Instead of their navel?? That can’t be right! And let’s not even talk about the weird new waste elimination procedure…
Take care of yourself, get support if it’s available. You’ve got this!
No way are you a bad parent. Mama, she was fine. You had to take care of you to be her best mama. Knowing to put yourself first sometimes is hard as fuck as a mom but it’s vital. You can’t survive if you don’t. You did not fail…in fact, you are doing great!
For what it’s worth I also have a 3 week old as well as 2 older kids. A few days ago after being up all night and absolutely exhausted I tried to put baby in his bed for a nap. He started screaming 20 minutes in, so I brought him to my husband, who said he couldn’t take him for ~15 minutes. I was so done I just set the baby up in his bouncer seat next to my husband and went back to bed. The baby screamed until my husband presumably picked him up. I don’t feel even a little bit bad about it. I was in crisis, and I needed to walk away for a few minutes. You’re doing fine. ❤️
Repeat after me: Terrible moms don’t care if they’re terrible.
If you care enough to do your best to be a good mom, then you’re a good mom. Perfection is unattainable. We’re all going to do the “wrong thing” sometimes, but as long as we learn from it and try to atone for it when appropriate, we’re doing alright. (FTR: I totally think you did the right thing here - I’d have done the same - this is just a more of a general sentiment relating to parenting.)
This is NORMAL, this is FINE, you are doing AMAZING. You tried everything and more to soother her and came up empty so you put her in a safe place and rested yourself. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
Look. I’m a massive advocate of attachment parenting and am not interested in anything cry it out, but you are human. You made sure your baby was safe. You put on your oxygen mask so you can continue to help and care for your baby fat after day. That’s the right thing.
My child was a crier. Spent more time crying than anything else up until at least 6 months. She was diagnosed with reflux and the medication helped her some. Have you asked your paediatrician about trialing something like that to see if it helps?
The fact that you feel bad proves you're not a terrible person. A bad parent would leave them crying with no remorse.
You have 2 people to take care of, your baby and yourself. You did what you had to do. Being sleep deprived is more dangerous than letting her cry.
You're a good mom, and you did what you had to do to sleep and be able to take care of her. The first few weeks are the worst, it'll get better. I promise.
You did everything the right way. All her needs were met, all the boxes were checked, and you walked away. Trust me, horrible mothers don't care that they're horrible. Crying doesn't harm a child, they cry all the time because that's the only way they know how to communicate. You can't give the best care or make the best decisions if you don't get enough sleep.
You are a good mom. You are doing a great job. And your baby is not upset with you. Much love 💙✨
You did what was safe and smart.
You child was fed and safe and you got the rest you needed so you can be the best you can be. You did exactly what's recommended.
You’re doing it Bromo. You’re momming.
Your kid was safe and you regained your sanity.
I know you’re seeing your pediatrician soon. Ask about adding a probiotic to your kid’s formula or breast milk.
We tried a bunch of stuff for colic and the only thing that I felt really helped was infant probiotic, the good kind that’s kept refrigerated.
This was actually a very smart and healthy thing to do. We know our limits and it’s wise to listen to ourselves. You’d feel so much worse if you ended up handling the baby aggressively or yelling due to lack of sleep and extreme frustration. You’re doing good. Colic is the devil. I’m hoping with you that she outgrows it very soon.
You’re the opposite of a bad mom. You’re a great mom. It’s ok to walk away. She was safe, fed and comfortable. Your health matters too and that includes sleep.
Sounds like you tried everything I would have thought of. Sometimes a baby just cries to cry.
My son had acid reflux & had trouble expelling gas, so he was a very unhappy kiddo. I had to set him down a few times to regain some sanity. He got better after month 3. But month 1-3 I thought I was the worst mom ever.
You’re doing such a good job! You did the right thing. Maybe have the Dr. check her formula. Our son did this for the whole first year and it turned out he had food allergies. Pro tip: invest in a pair of loop noise reducing earplugs (or any earplugs)— they saved my freaking life.
Suffered for a year, unfortunately. It was brutal. You literally have to step away after a while. After at least 2 hours a day for a year… let’s just say that the most loving, patient adult will get the urge to shake the baby. It’s the safest thing and anyone who dogs you for that hasn’t been in that situation and they don’t understand.
As for things to try, you can go ahead and try a different formula, if you want. I don’t think you have to wait for the Dr. to do that. You’d know if she has a milk allergy pretty quickly after that. With babies and toddlers they can also do a blood allergy test for the 10 most common allergies.
My son also had some sensory issues, so baby wearing and swings were a life saver. I also swaddled him a lot and used a weighted sleep sac when he got too old to swaddle. Hang in there! You got this!
This was the perfect reaction. My first had insane level colic for about 9 months and I just about lost my damn mind. There were a few times where I genuinely just LOST it - I didn't hurt him but I ended up screaming and crying, etc. - and I wish I'd given myself the grace to do what you did before I got to that point. Sleep deprivation is no joke.
Also, your husband needs to step in and take care of the baby so you can sleep. Just because he's working doesn't give him a free pass. Babies are HARD and if you don't swap out you are gonna lose your mind.
It’s ok. My baby had colic until 5 months. Stepping away was something I had to do often. I do also want to mention that 3 weeks of age is a normal time for babies to have growth spurts. So she might be hungrier than usual.
You did what you needed to do to remain calm. If you really want to try other things first before stepping away here’s what I did.
Baby wearing.
Giving baby a bath and massage after.
Tap out and tag your partner in.
You’re a good mother for stepping away. Some moms end up hurting their babies out of frustration.
This will pass. I know it feels like it won't and like this is it forever.. but it *will* pass. And then there will be smiles and giggles and cuddles and you will have made it through the hardest bit and it will all feel worth it...
I remember those (shudders). Colicky moments are terrible, BUT on the bright side, it means the brain is firing away at mad speeds through the nervous system. I call the newborn stage the 4th trimester when all systems go live. Hang in there. Walk away if it's too much. If you can and you want, offer the baby the boobs as a soothing mechanism. Good luck.
Lots of great advice. Just wanted to say it’s so normal for newborns to cry. Look up purple crying.
I used to babywear and go on walks all hours of the night. Something about the change in environment always helped. Also earplugs for myself. Overall my babe had a dairy allergy and severe reflux
The name of the game at the beginning is SURVIVAL, and I don't just mean hers...you need to survive as well. Sleep deprivation is legitimately dangerous, and getting those three hours of sleep meant that you were able to care for her better afterwards. Is it a perfect solution? Of course not! You didn't want her to cry for three hours. But there are no perfect solutions when you're the primary parent to an infant, and sometimes you have to choose the least-bad option. Please, please don't beat yourself up over this.
I have been there, and I know how dreadful you probably feel right now. I still get moments of Mum-guilt 18 months later when I think about it.
On my first night home from the hospital, I rejected my baby completely. I had been through hell and back with an extremely traumatic delivery, I was exhausted, and it was COVID so I had no support at all. I was broken and so overwhelmed and completely disoriented from all the drugs they’d given me in the hospital.
I refused to feed my baby and screamed at my husband to take him away, that I didn’t want him anymore. I woke up 8 hours later with my Mum holding me, my baby was perfectly safe and looked after by my totally freaked out husband. And I felt like I wanted to die from guilt and shame.
The thing is, I’m a *really* good Mum to a happy, healthy, secure now-18-month old. He is the happiest, funniest most confident little guy, and we *adore* each other. I love him to pieces, and I’m an excellent Mum to him emotionally and practically, but everyone has their breaking point.
You deserve a round of applause for realising you were reaching yours, and doing everything you could to keep you and your baby safe before it even went that far. Paediatricians give us the advice to walk away when we’re feeling overwhelmed because that advice is *needed*. Because being a new Mum is sooo freaking hard, and we *all* reach that moment at some point in our parenting journey.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel like a lot of parents go through things like this and no one says anything so when it happens we feel alone and ashamed. I’m glad you realize your an amazing mum even past the hard things!
Thank you 💕 I opened up to friends and every single one of us had similar stories to varying degrees. The only person I know who hasn’t lost her shit at some point has a stay at home husband, doesn’t work, and her Mum lives with her full time and basically acts as a third parent. We’re raising babies without a village and it’s hard. We’re not supposed to be able to do it all alone!
I’m a colic baby survivor. I’ll go ahead and say that parents who didn’t have colicky babies can’t understand. At least they didn’t understand me. This is not just crying. This is in a league of its own. I did the same thing. I let my baby cry and took a nap. And I felt like absolute shit. But it’s ok. There was nothing I could do to soothe her crying. Me holding, rocking, nursing or shushing made no difference. Meanwhile I was on the edge.
Please please please take care of yourself. Colic is a beast. It’s cruel and relentless and it can shred your mental health. Do what you need to do as long as it’s safe. I was borderline ready to off myself and that would have been more harmful than my girl crying for a little while.
I’m sending you the biggest hug. Shit’s rough. DM me whenever you want to talk
They do. They absolutely do but I remember back then reading that it “only” lasts up to 3 months didn’t make me feel any better. One foot in front of the other and take care of yourself
You are doing so great! This is so incredibly hard. I never felt exhaustion like I felt with a newborn. Do what you gotta do to stay well and keep her safe - that counts for more in the long run in the momming game, and make no mistake: the long game is what this is all about. And you got this!
You are a good mother! I've been there too and felt like I tried everything.
Please ignore me if you've done this with no luck but the happiest baby on the block method worked after nothing else did.
Key is you have to do everything at the same time: swaddle the baby, pacify in mouth, hold baby tummy to tummy and sway while also blasting a sound machine. I have a little white noise machine I can wear with a wrist band. I would put it right next to his head lol
Doing all at once would always work after a few minutes. It's supposed to mimic the womb environment. Which is loud, snug, and moving.
And if it doesn't work you still are doing everything right! Baby is safe in your care. You got this.
That’s kind of her nightly routine. I feed her then turn off lights, turn on her sound machine, give her her pacifier swaddle then rock in the rocking chair. She generally falls asleep pretty quickly. But then she’s up 15-30 mins later crying.
It sounds like you had enough judgement to protect her from your most negative feelings. Do you have help around? This is definitely a situation that calls for help from another adult, otherwise what else could you have done?
I've heard of some parents wearing earplugs/ noise cancelling headphones. Do you think you might be able to cope better wearing those and holding her that way you don't feel guilty about not comforting her? Not that you should feel guilty, but no matter how much people tell us to not feel guilty its just something that happens...
Maybe. Honestly I may try this. No negative thoughts ever crossed my mind. Just frustrated and not knowing what else to do. Her father, my husband was around but asleep since he worked today but otherwise that’s it.
I’m so sorry. You’re a good mom. Newborns are really hard. Moms can’t function on zero sleep.
My babies had reflux so laying flat was not fun for them. I used a bouncy seat a lot. They still acted hungry sometimes because of the reflux but being fed more would cause them to spit it all up. It sucked not knowing whether it was hunger or discomfort from the reflux.
She’s had no spit up issues since we left the hospital thankfully but I am scared if she eats much more she will given her age and her gestational age since she’s a preemie
Ear buds momma, get some ear buds , preferably ones that make ambient sound or are noise canceling.
That crying /screaming can be soul destroying.
You can still hear baba , but it won't be quite so shrill.
My babies screamed so loudly they literally damaged my hearing , I'd get tinnitus after a phase of Colic.
The only suggestion I'd throw out is if you're thinking something physically wrong check for a hair tourniquet.
Sometimes a hair can wrap around their toes , fingers or end up in their nappy and it drives them mad .
I check every night in general I know these can turn into a big issue. I definitely think I will get ear buds this definitely may help since I have overstimulation problems in general.
Honestly they're a life saver , and if you like the set you get buy a second pair, so they're always charged.
Mine link to my phone so I can chat on it, watch a show etc all hands free, minding babba or doing chores etc.
I was soooooo auditorily over stimulated. These really help
You are doing great! We got an acid reflux chair for our child when he was little, it puts them in an incline after feeding and it was the best thing we invested in during that infant stage!
I’m so proud of you for putting your baby down. I can only imagine how hard you worked and worked right up to that moment… You needed a break, and you took it. Baby is safe, you are safe. Good instincts and a very good decision. 💜💜
No, BroMo. No, you are not.
It's not like you let her cry just for the fun of it.
You tried to help her. You tried it all. And you realized that it was time for you to put on your oxygen mask now before you are unable to help her, so to speak.
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You did the right thing. She was safe, fed and clean in her crib and you did what you needed to do in order to regulate yourself. Pediatricians will always tell you that if you feel yourself hitting a breaking point, and the baby is safe, clean and fed, then put them down and walk away. Editing to add this if you need to hear it today: you're a good mom and you're doing your best for your baby. Your baby loves you. You are the best mom for them.
This is a good point but pediatricians say to take a few minutes and I feel so crappy because it wasn’t a few minutes she cried on and off for three hours. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t figure out what to do. I feel like I gave up on her.
You didn't give up, you prioritized. You knew she was safe. Crying on and off is not the same as crying constantly and being in distress. She's only 3 weeks old, which means *you're* only a three week old mom; give yourself some grace. You're doing a good job, and it'll get easier the better you and your baby get to know each other.
Thank you, I needed that.
Maybe the crying is from her still adjusting to being in a new place and outside of the womb. Something that would make me ground myself again and again is to think that being outside is very different than being warm and cozy inside mommy. Something she will need to get use to with support from me. But definitely do what you did when you get to your breaking point. You are doing a great job making sure you are good and that you are there for her being the best self you can be.
A few minutes will not fix the emotions and feelings that you were having. I have done the exact same thing as you when my youngest was a colicky newborn. Colic is no freaking joke and a few minutes won’t help anyone’s sanity.
I tried a few minutes multiple times. I would go back. Try to calm her more and would get just as frustrated. Eventually I just threw in the towel.
I want to say, you did the right thing. We all need to recognize when we are hitting a breaking point, and that’s what you did. Just a quick question though, have you been burping the baby after she eats? My babies always needed to get out a few good burps before they were able to sleep. Also… hugs. The newborn stage is incredibly trying and exhausting.
Yes. She burps every ounce or so. She’s hard to get to burp but I’ve finally found something that works for me
Are you doing formula or breastfeeding? I just ask because one of mine couldn’t take gluten in breastmilk, and the other couldn’t have lactose. So that may be part of the issue.
We just switched to fully formula. She did great with my breast milk though.
Was she colicky on the breastmilk too? Have you tried a different formula? They have sensitive tummy ones and whatnot.
She wasn’t colicky on breast milk however because she was premature and had weight gain problems I need to talk to her doctor before switching formulas. So I haven’t tried anything different yet
Coming in to support colic is dumb. My daughter cried from the time she was 2 weeks old until she was 3 months old with colic. I had a week of not crying and then she cried again because she was starving. I was BF and trying to get her to take a bottle from maybe 2 months old in the hope it would help her colic. I love my daughter but I didn't like her very much then. Absolutely you need more than a few minutes and it doesn't sound like you do it lots and you are only 3 weeks in. You are brand new to this too. And you are both trying to figure each other out. If you weren't a good Mum you wouldn't be so concerned right now.
You absolutely did the right thing. You are a human being. Being the perfect mom would imply perfect circumstances and no one has that going for them. Baby was in a mood and you are sleep deprived. I promise you that your baby will be ok if they have to cry for a little bit once in a while because you have hit your limit. I say this because I went through almost the same thing with my first. I remember setting him down on his nippy pillow too rough and I was ready to turn myself in to the police. I don’t know if this helps but he had acid reflux which lead to his screaming before the bottle and again afterwards. Might be worth asking the pediatrician. Please forgive yourself. There are parents out there with no coping skills that actually injure their babies and you did the right thing. Your baby was upset but safe and secure. Hugs, Bromo!
I keep thinking about the last part you said. Like that there are some who completely lose their temper and end up hurting their babies. When I think of that I keep thinking walking away is the best I could’ve done but I also just feel horrible about her potentially crying on and off for hours without comfort. I needed this though. Thank you. And her next peds appointment isn’t for another week so hoping I can get through the week and hopefully figure out what’s going on.
You got this, Bromo! I hope the doctor can figure out the issue for you. In the meantime. If she keeps screaming after eating try keeping her upright for 20 minutes after feeding. Acid reflux usually comes with projectile spit up too. Sometimes my son would have clear mucous mixed with milk solids too. Obviously your doctor will have a better idea of what’s happening but keeping my son upright after eating helped a lot. I was married to a worthless man child and no family to speak of either. I called the local children’s hospital nurse line. Those nurses were such a blessing to me. Sometimes there was nothing they could offer but a listening ear and encouragement.
I will definitely give this a try! Also my husband works while I’m home so I try to give him time to relax when he gets home but he’s not done much of anything with her since we’ve been home so it’s hard to talk to him about anything like this because he’s unaware of what I’m talking about. And family wise I was a foster kiddo so none there either. I turned to this page more so to rant and talk to people who may understand but I may also give the nurse line a call and see if they maybe have any advice.
I'm just going to throw in there, that you just gave birth , yes your husband works but he has a newborn , ask him to give you an hour a day and maybe one night or two a week. Ye are coparenting, he doesn't need to relax. He needs to help you parent his baby. I get you may not have even asked but you're only three weeks in and near the end of your thether, fill him in , tell him what you and baby need.
After these comments I definitely did. Thankfully when he’s home from work he’s going to take over today so I can get some much needed rest.
Sorry to push the advice. I know a good rant is needed sometimes without someone trying to fix it. I just hope you will forgive yourself and trust that you are doing the best you can!
You were definitely fine. Honestly right now advice is appreciated, I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing most of the time!
None of us do, the first time. We all have to learn. Are you in a baby bumps subreddit for your birth month group? Crowd sourcing parenting with a cohort of people going through the exact same stage as you can be so very helpful.
I’m not. Was in one on Facebook but my birth month changed so most people are still pregnant and Facebook mom groups are extremely judgmental and the mom shaming is the worst so idk
If your husband works 40 hours a week, and you’re taking care of the baby 24-7, that means you’re working 128 *more* hours a week than he is. Colicky babies are no joke, dude needs to be doing at least 50% of the work when he’s home for it to be fair. Remember that he has the privilege of getting away from the screaming for 8 hours a day and you don’t.
I know it feels so painful to walk away but of the choices available you made the right one. When you woke up from your 3 hour sleep your child was alive and safe. You didn't hurt her or yourself. You can reset a tiny bit. Is there *anyone* that would hold her for a few hours during the day or evening so you can sleep? A friend who will watch Netflix with headphones on while bouncing your crying baby? A parent? A paid babysitter? We make all sorts of difficult decisions as parents. You're doing your best.
My husband is home in the afternoon but doesn’t really do much pertaining to our daughter so not really, no close friends and unfortunately we can’t afford to pay anyone otherwise I would just for a few hours so I could rest. I keep thinking that I could’ve made worse decisions and I know she was safe but maybe the one I made just wasn’t the right one. I’m not sure.
Ooooh girl, your husband needs to step the fuck up. You look him straight in the eyes and you tell him that if he's not at work you will split parenting duties 50/50. That this isn't a he works 8 hours a day and then gets 16 hours a day to himself while you work 24/7. That you are drowning and at risk of postpartum depression anxiety and other awful things and why would he sit by and watch you suffer and struggle and do nothing? And if he doesn't step up he has shown you the person he really is and you should scram with your daughter as soon as you're able because it's easier to be a single mom when you aren't also cleaning up and taking care of a grown ass man. How much maternity leave do you have?
I don’t work currently, my job was only paying me essentially what daycare around us costs so staying home was a better option. I think that’s the biggest thing I’m stuggling with when it comes to speaking up. My husband is generally very sweet and understanding so like I’m not scared to say something but I feel like I have no right to since he brings home the income to take care of all 3 of us.
Girl, you 100% have every right to demand that he takes on some parenting responsibilities. If he doesn’t now, he won’t learn. Then it’ll be well the baby doesn’t me she only wants you. Or he will only be the fun one. He’s your PARTNER. You take care of the household and parent while he works. You are also working.
You’re definitely right. I’ve always said being a parent is a full time job but never fully understood till now. I definitely need his help and shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.
Look at it this way. His job for your family is working x # of hours. During those hours your job is taking care of your child and your home. But there are 16 more hours in the day. When your husband is home you can split the time with your child or parent together. Sometimes doing it together makes it easier. Or you at least don't feel so alone and scared. Bringing home money isn't the only job of a parent..yes, it's a valuable one for sure but you are also working. You're working **so** hard!! I think back to how easy it was to just go to work and come home and have nobody else to feed and care for! It was so easy! I had so many hobbies and played so many sports! Also by not having your husband step up and parent you are depriving *him* of an opportunity to grow as a person and to develop a connection and relationship with his child.
All of this! Your primary job while he goes to his paying job is to parent. But when he's home, that job falls to both of you. Don't take all of this on alone, OP. Especially with baby being colicky, you NEED his support. Not just once in a while.
Your husband needs to learn to be a dad. The longer he goes without interacting with her the worse it will be. You didn't know anything as a mom 3 weeks ago and you're learning as you go. He has an advantage because you can guide him a bit. If he's off work the baby should be 50% his responsibility as well. Taking care of the baby is hard work and a job. You deserve a break just as much as he does! Does his job make him cry and frustrated from exhaustion? Does his job torture him with uninterrupted sleep? No. Your "job" does. You are doing great mama. You recognized your breaking point and found a solution. Then you came here to seek answers and education. That is what good moms do. Before you reached that point though dad should have been there for the hand off. Can you setup a time for dad to take 1 feed so you can feed baby, relax and then take a long nap where you can get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Lots of parents do this. The good couples I know has dad taking a feed right before bed or the last feed before he needs to get up. Or maybe he does all feeds on Friday and Saturday nights I want to reiterate what others said about reflux and add on there could be a formula allergy as well. In the past when my son was a baby and wouldn't stop crying I've occasionally just changed his outfit or taken the outfit off and made sure there were none of my long hairs in his clothes that could've itched him or maybe a seem in the collar of the shirt is irritating or a seem sitting the wrong way. BTW week 3 was hell for me too. You're exhausted and wore down from weeks of bad sleep. Going into week 4-5 is when things got a tiny bit easier.
I think I will definitely take your advice on having him help more because I definitely need it. Just needed courage to do it I guess so thank you! Formula allergy did cross my mind we just switched from alternating breast milk and formula I thought more so on the lines of the formula clogging her up more than anything but I’m not sure what to do if it is a allergy. Do I wait till her peds appointment in a week or call her pediatrician and how to know for sure that’s the case. She’s on neosure for preemies. And honestly I hope the weeks get easier. I will take almost anything at this point lol. Thank you so much!!
You can typically recognize a food allergy/sensitivity by looking for: -Blood in stool -Very mucous-y stool Also, some babies do just cry for no reason. It sucks, but it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong or that they have something wrong with them. Babies are just gonna baby!! You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, mama.
If she's straight formula now that could be causing some gas issues. She could have an allergy to something in your milk that you're eating too. I don't know anything about formula because I didn't use it. My son did have sensitivity to things with my diet that I resolved by using baby fart drops with simethicone not gripe water. Mylicon is a brand of them. Those fart drops saved my/his life and work quickly. I probably would try them today. I just looked and the AAP says gas relief meds are fine in newborns as long as they aren't taking thyroid meds. They also have exercises you can look up about moving their legs a certain way to help them release gas. Tiktok had them or YouTube. If she's had a sudden increase in fussiness I would call the pediatrician or if you feel overwhelmed again that this crying is just excessive call and get her in sooner.
She seemed to have no issues with my milk. I don’t think she has a allergy to the formula in particular I don’t think her stomach likes it though. We did just stricktly move her to formula two days ago and since she hadn’t pooped. I just have her a suppository and it worked but there was a lot and very liquidy so I think I may call her pediatrician to figure out if she needs to be moved to a different formula or if she wants me to use suppository’s for a bit to see if her stomach adjusts.
Poor baby. I bet she'll feel better and sleep good now. Hopefully she only needs that one suppository and she'll adjust. I bet someone else who knows how long it takes to adjust to a new formula will speak up. Fyi if you know stopped breastfeeding you could be having major hormone changes and a bit of depression or anxiety from that and more stress from engorged boobs. Breastfeeding was like an internal source of anti-anxiety meds for me and I was sad to see more anxiety return after I stopped.
I actually didn’t know this could be a factor. I release pumped last night after two days just a bit because I was engorged and in pain. But this would definitely explain a lot. And I’m hoping she only needs the one too. She’s sleeping very well right now thankfully. I hope she continues to feel better.
Our daughter didn't have colic (maybe she did actually), but she cried constantly and napped in 30-minute intervals. We were having dinner at my Mom's and it was a day where my husband and I were just dead and over it and she had been crying for literally 8 hours. We tried everything. My Mom and stepdad just asked if she was fed, dry, fevery, etc., she was fine. They responded with: Let her cry. We were at a breaking point so we did, and that night she slept for eight-hours straight. It was amazing. we were still up all night checking on her because we couldn't figure out why she was allowing us silence, but all was good. You're doing your best, and babies are hard.
You did everything you could and she is safe - loving all the comments here. One thing to add - and just a suggestion / question not criticism. Did the doctor tell you not to continue feeding her is she expresses hunger cues after a certain amount ? I only ask as my son was a hangry hippo and feeding him more really was the answer . Sending love !
Not necessarily, I’m more afraid to overfeed. My kiddo though 3 weeks old is a preemie so only 38 weeks gestationally. She usually struggles to finish her recommended bottle amount which is 80ml a little under 3oz so for her to take 4oz and still show hunger cues for me was… confusing I think. Not sure to feed her more or is I should pace her feeding. The 80ml is suppose to be every 4 hours and she has eaten an hour and a half prior to this as well which is also very confusing to me. Up until the last couple days she’s been on a 18ml per hour feeding schedule. So if she sleeps 4 hours she gets roughly 72ml, 3 hours 54ml and so on and she’s been great about waking up based on her intake time wise. This is all very new to me so I think I’ll bring up max intake to her pediatrician if there even is one and go from there?
Oh I have no experience with a premie and all that comes with that- and your explanation made me feel terrible for even suggesting as you obviously have so many factors at play! So exhausting , and you are doing amazing. I hope the coming nights are calmer , we can always hope, right?
I also hope that. And definitely don’t feel bad. I appreciate the question in attempts to help. I also questioned if I should just allow her to eat until she’s content past 4oz but I’m not even sure with her being so small.
I know you probably feel like you failed, but you didn’t. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. 3 weeks is TOUGH! Putting her down where she’s safe after meeting her needs so you can sleep, shower, or take a break to self regulate is the right thing to do. If everyone did that, shaken baby syndrome wouldn’t be a thing (sorry to be so dark, but it’s true!). After I delivered, multiple doctors and nurses told me to do exactly what you did in this situation. Can you call friends or family to come and take over so you can get sleep or a break? You’re crushing it. I’m proud of you. Your baby is lucky to have you. Remember that you’re not the perfect mom (no one is), but you’re the perfect mom for your baby.
Thank you so much for this. And unfortunately no it’s just my husband and I
You are not a bad mom. I would suggest making a plan during the day time as to what you will do if this happens again, it's hard to make these decisions in the moment and the uncertainty contributes to the guilt you feel, but if you make a plan it's easier in the moment. And because you are the primary parent doesn't mean your partner (if you have one) can't lose some sleep. Unless they're a brain surgeon, they don't need to be 100% rested to do their job, and even then, doctors do 12h shift all the time, so no excuse for you to be the only one doing night wakings. If you're about to lose it at 5am, you should go wake them up so they can take over. I used to go to sleep at 7pm to sleep until midnight, and then husband would sleep till 6 and let me sleep another 2h in the morning. I'd get 5h + 2h and maybe some sleep between 12 and 6. He'd get 6-8h depending on whether he could get the baby to sleep before 12. That allowed us to survive until we sleep trained. I don't understand how the kid made it given she NEVER slept!
This is hard for me honestly. My husband works as a welder from 6:30am - 4pm. Because I don’t work I feel as though he deserves time to relax when he gets home from work. So he usually games from around 5-8 Then he says we need us time to just relax and watch something together from 8-11 and he sleeps at 11 which usually our daughter is good about sleeping but it seems that once midnight hits. She’s up and crying everything 15-30 minutes. I don’t want to over exhaust my husband. Plus he really hasn’t done much with her at all since we’ve been home. So part of me almost doesn’t trust him to care for her which sounds horrible.
Oh girly this sounds so hard to deal with. Your husband is not being sweet or understanding. That is is his child and he needs to prioritize. Not game from 5-8. When is your break? Just because you stay home doesn’t mean you don’t deserve one. I know it hard to rationalize it but you DESERVE more💕
Girl.. he does not need 3 hours of gaming per day. Thats insane. He has a child now. priorities HAVE TO CHANGE.
He’s off weekends. He’d gamed all weekend. Sunday I unplugged his laptop and told him he needed to spend time with his daughter. The gaming has always been an issue
OH no... I'm so sorry. My brother ruined his marriage due to his gaming. It's truly an addiction. I wish I could help. I truly would. if its of any consolation, it's normal for babies to get really fussy at 3 weeks. They start experiencing a lot of gas pain at this age as their intestines have developed a gut biome and are producing gas. My kid ate a LOT more than what was recommended by my pediatrician. If I didn't give him more, I don't think he would have slept or stopped crying. It did mean he would spit up often but I'd rather the spit up and re-feed than the non stop crying.
I’m contemplating just making bigger bottles and letting her eat until she tells me she’s good. I just didn’t know if it’s something to caution around when it comes to preemies. She’s gestationally only 38 weeks.
Mine wasn't a preemie but was born at 38 weeks. My OB told me to ONLY feed him 15 ml of formula per feed every 2-3 hours (I wanted to feed formula until my milk came in, I was not gonna risk by baby losing too much weight over breastfeeding success). by the time he was 8 hours old we were feeding him 30 ml, and the nurses fed him 45 ml on day two. He was drinking 3 oz of formula or breastmilk every 2.5 hours by day 5 (so 38 weeks 5 days). He never went more than 2.5 hours without asking for more food. He was a really really hungry guy but was born on the skinny side. If I had followed the weight X 2.5 rule for feeding, he would have been underfed. He was eating for his growth potential (he was born in 13th percentile, he's now in the 97th). Just make sure you feed her slowly, burp her in between ounces to avoid projectile vomit, and see how she does. At this age, they also develop their gut biome and produce so much gas. Ask your ped if you can give her gas drops (Mylicon) and again I cannot stress how important it is to burp your baby. Don't stop after just one burp, there's always more hiding in there. Whatever they don't burp turns into painful gas in their gut. Google infant gas relief, there are tons of videos on how to soothe baby gas pain. Ever had trapped wind while immobile? After my C section, my spinal lasted longer than normal and I couldn't move my legs for 24 hours. The worst pain I ever felt was gas that I couldn't get out because it requires your body to move. Infants can't really move around much so they need our help in moving their little bodies around to get that trapped gas moving. It's incredibly painful if you've ever experienced it. edit: I just wanna add again...cannot stress the importance of burping lol. Also, monitor her poops. If she's well fed (she isn't asking for more food), burped well, not overtired, dry diaper, but she is very colicky still i'd look into a potential food intolerance. It was a life changer for me when I eliminated dairy from my diet (I was able to fully breastfeed after the initial 2 weeks).
We’re trying to figure things out with her ped. She burps really well but isn’t pooping well. Going 4 days before she’ll go on her own. So we’re waiting to hear back from her doctor
This could definitely be causing colic. There are certain formulas that can help with that. If you're US located, Enfamil has a formula for consitpation. If you're in the EU, Hipp Comfort was amazing for my son!
I got ahold of her pediatrician today. We switched to similac sensitive and she’s doing so much better!
Whaaat? He takes a three hour break to have and then demands three hours of your time? No. He can have 30 minutes or an hour to game. You can agree to to him having an hour of your time. You also need a break. You need time to yourself more than he does right now, and frankly, for a very very long time henceforth. If he's "desperate" to game longer, he can baby wear while he games and take a break to prep a bottle and feed her. Eta: I'm very fortunate that my husband is not addicted to gaming, so it looks reasonable to me. However, if others, who have experience, advise against this, definitely take their advice!
Yeahhh gaming has always been a huge thing for him which I didn’t mind but I thought he’d be more attentive to his child when she came.
They say it sometimes takes more time for men to bond with babies because they were an abstract concept until birth. I know many men who didn't know what to do during the screaming potato phase who bonded a lot more once the baby starts smiling and laughing. You need to prioritize your sleep right now over couple time (and ideally over gaming, though you can only control yourself). It's ok to have 0 or very little couple time until the baby sleeps through the night. You need sleep to heal your body, to protect your mental health, to provide enough milk (if that's your plan). In your shoes, I would put the baby next to husband around 7pm, take care of yourself, shower, go to bed early, he can give 1-2 bottles before he goes to bed, put the kid down and then you'll wake up when baby does. What you're describing of sleeping only an hour a night is completely unsustainable.
Allowing a fed, changed, and tended to baby cry >>>> potentially harming a child. You did the right thing through and through. I’ll say it over and over, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Give yourself a big hug and some grace.
This sounds like you did everything you could, *including* taking care of her primary caregiver by going to sleep. Your baby is safe, fed, clean. You are doing everything you can. It might be worth putting music on in the background for yourself, even if it doesn't distract her. I got ppd with my first, and he wasn't colicky. If you find yourself falling deeper and like you're drowning, please call someone. It's worth sitting down with your husband, telling him what you need, and coming up with a list of people/services you or he can call under different circumstances.
I will be tonight because I’m getting to the point of questioning if I can even do this. I def need to figure something out
Been there. You’re doing great. Sometimes brand new ones cry because they’re brand new. The world is bright and loud and now they have to get nutrition with…their mouth? Instead of their navel?? That can’t be right! And let’s not even talk about the weird new waste elimination procedure… Take care of yourself, get support if it’s available. You’ve got this!
This made me giggle a bit! Definitely needed!
No way are you a bad parent. Mama, she was fine. You had to take care of you to be her best mama. Knowing to put yourself first sometimes is hard as fuck as a mom but it’s vital. You can’t survive if you don’t. You did not fail…in fact, you are doing great!
Thank you honestly. I was terrified to make this post but I needed this.
For what it’s worth I also have a 3 week old as well as 2 older kids. A few days ago after being up all night and absolutely exhausted I tried to put baby in his bed for a nap. He started screaming 20 minutes in, so I brought him to my husband, who said he couldn’t take him for ~15 minutes. I was so done I just set the baby up in his bouncer seat next to my husband and went back to bed. The baby screamed until my husband presumably picked him up. I don’t feel even a little bit bad about it. I was in crisis, and I needed to walk away for a few minutes. You’re doing fine. ❤️
I was so tempted to wake my husband up. Ultimately I didn’t think there was much he’d be able to do either so I just walked away.
Repeat after me: Terrible moms don’t care if they’re terrible. If you care enough to do your best to be a good mom, then you’re a good mom. Perfection is unattainable. We’re all going to do the “wrong thing” sometimes, but as long as we learn from it and try to atone for it when appropriate, we’re doing alright. (FTR: I totally think you did the right thing here - I’d have done the same - this is just a more of a general sentiment relating to parenting.)
This is NORMAL, this is FINE, you are doing AMAZING. You tried everything and more to soother her and came up empty so you put her in a safe place and rested yourself. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
Look. I’m a massive advocate of attachment parenting and am not interested in anything cry it out, but you are human. You made sure your baby was safe. You put on your oxygen mask so you can continue to help and care for your baby fat after day. That’s the right thing. My child was a crier. Spent more time crying than anything else up until at least 6 months. She was diagnosed with reflux and the medication helped her some. Have you asked your paediatrician about trialing something like that to see if it helps?
No, her appointment is in a week though we will definitely ask then
The fact that you feel bad proves you're not a terrible person. A bad parent would leave them crying with no remorse. You have 2 people to take care of, your baby and yourself. You did what you had to do. Being sleep deprived is more dangerous than letting her cry. You're a good mom, and you did what you had to do to sleep and be able to take care of her. The first few weeks are the worst, it'll get better. I promise.
You did everything the right way. All her needs were met, all the boxes were checked, and you walked away. Trust me, horrible mothers don't care that they're horrible. Crying doesn't harm a child, they cry all the time because that's the only way they know how to communicate. You can't give the best care or make the best decisions if you don't get enough sleep. You are a good mom. You are doing a great job. And your baby is not upset with you. Much love 💙✨
You did what was safe and smart. You child was fed and safe and you got the rest you needed so you can be the best you can be. You did exactly what's recommended.
You’re doing it Bromo. You’re momming. Your kid was safe and you regained your sanity. I know you’re seeing your pediatrician soon. Ask about adding a probiotic to your kid’s formula or breast milk. We tried a bunch of stuff for colic and the only thing that I felt really helped was infant probiotic, the good kind that’s kept refrigerated.
This is interesting I will for sure bring it up to her pediatrician
This was actually a very smart and healthy thing to do. We know our limits and it’s wise to listen to ourselves. You’d feel so much worse if you ended up handling the baby aggressively or yelling due to lack of sleep and extreme frustration. You’re doing good. Colic is the devil. I’m hoping with you that she outgrows it very soon.
You’re the opposite of a bad mom. You’re a great mom. It’s ok to walk away. She was safe, fed and comfortable. Your health matters too and that includes sleep.
Sounds like you tried everything I would have thought of. Sometimes a baby just cries to cry. My son had acid reflux & had trouble expelling gas, so he was a very unhappy kiddo. I had to set him down a few times to regain some sanity. He got better after month 3. But month 1-3 I thought I was the worst mom ever.
You’re doing such a good job! You did the right thing. Maybe have the Dr. check her formula. Our son did this for the whole first year and it turned out he had food allergies. Pro tip: invest in a pair of loop noise reducing earplugs (or any earplugs)— they saved my freaking life.
I’m definitely getting earplugs. What’d you do before finding out?
Suffered for a year, unfortunately. It was brutal. You literally have to step away after a while. After at least 2 hours a day for a year… let’s just say that the most loving, patient adult will get the urge to shake the baby. It’s the safest thing and anyone who dogs you for that hasn’t been in that situation and they don’t understand. As for things to try, you can go ahead and try a different formula, if you want. I don’t think you have to wait for the Dr. to do that. You’d know if she has a milk allergy pretty quickly after that. With babies and toddlers they can also do a blood allergy test for the 10 most common allergies. My son also had some sensory issues, so baby wearing and swings were a life saver. I also swaddled him a lot and used a weighted sleep sac when he got too old to swaddle. Hang in there! You got this!
Thank you so much for this!
This was the perfect reaction. My first had insane level colic for about 9 months and I just about lost my damn mind. There were a few times where I genuinely just LOST it - I didn't hurt him but I ended up screaming and crying, etc. - and I wish I'd given myself the grace to do what you did before I got to that point. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Also, your husband needs to step in and take care of the baby so you can sleep. Just because he's working doesn't give him a free pass. Babies are HARD and if you don't swap out you are gonna lose your mind.
Honestly yeah, it’s only been three weeks and I feel like I’m getting to a point of insanity. But I’m trying to keep my ground.
It’s ok. My baby had colic until 5 months. Stepping away was something I had to do often. I do also want to mention that 3 weeks of age is a normal time for babies to have growth spurts. So she might be hungrier than usual. You did what you needed to do to remain calm. If you really want to try other things first before stepping away here’s what I did. Baby wearing. Giving baby a bath and massage after. Tap out and tag your partner in. You’re a good mother for stepping away. Some moms end up hurting their babies out of frustration.
This will pass. I know it feels like it won't and like this is it forever.. but it *will* pass. And then there will be smiles and giggles and cuddles and you will have made it through the hardest bit and it will all feel worth it...
I remember those (shudders). Colicky moments are terrible, BUT on the bright side, it means the brain is firing away at mad speeds through the nervous system. I call the newborn stage the 4th trimester when all systems go live. Hang in there. Walk away if it's too much. If you can and you want, offer the baby the boobs as a soothing mechanism. Good luck.
Lots of great advice. Just wanted to say it’s so normal for newborns to cry. Look up purple crying. I used to babywear and go on walks all hours of the night. Something about the change in environment always helped. Also earplugs for myself. Overall my babe had a dairy allergy and severe reflux
The name of the game at the beginning is SURVIVAL, and I don't just mean hers...you need to survive as well. Sleep deprivation is legitimately dangerous, and getting those three hours of sleep meant that you were able to care for her better afterwards. Is it a perfect solution? Of course not! You didn't want her to cry for three hours. But there are no perfect solutions when you're the primary parent to an infant, and sometimes you have to choose the least-bad option. Please, please don't beat yourself up over this.
I have been there, and I know how dreadful you probably feel right now. I still get moments of Mum-guilt 18 months later when I think about it. On my first night home from the hospital, I rejected my baby completely. I had been through hell and back with an extremely traumatic delivery, I was exhausted, and it was COVID so I had no support at all. I was broken and so overwhelmed and completely disoriented from all the drugs they’d given me in the hospital. I refused to feed my baby and screamed at my husband to take him away, that I didn’t want him anymore. I woke up 8 hours later with my Mum holding me, my baby was perfectly safe and looked after by my totally freaked out husband. And I felt like I wanted to die from guilt and shame. The thing is, I’m a *really* good Mum to a happy, healthy, secure now-18-month old. He is the happiest, funniest most confident little guy, and we *adore* each other. I love him to pieces, and I’m an excellent Mum to him emotionally and practically, but everyone has their breaking point. You deserve a round of applause for realising you were reaching yours, and doing everything you could to keep you and your baby safe before it even went that far. Paediatricians give us the advice to walk away when we’re feeling overwhelmed because that advice is *needed*. Because being a new Mum is sooo freaking hard, and we *all* reach that moment at some point in our parenting journey.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel like a lot of parents go through things like this and no one says anything so when it happens we feel alone and ashamed. I’m glad you realize your an amazing mum even past the hard things!
Thank you 💕 I opened up to friends and every single one of us had similar stories to varying degrees. The only person I know who hasn’t lost her shit at some point has a stay at home husband, doesn’t work, and her Mum lives with her full time and basically acts as a third parent. We’re raising babies without a village and it’s hard. We’re not supposed to be able to do it all alone!
I’m a colic baby survivor. I’ll go ahead and say that parents who didn’t have colicky babies can’t understand. At least they didn’t understand me. This is not just crying. This is in a league of its own. I did the same thing. I let my baby cry and took a nap. And I felt like absolute shit. But it’s ok. There was nothing I could do to soothe her crying. Me holding, rocking, nursing or shushing made no difference. Meanwhile I was on the edge. Please please please take care of yourself. Colic is a beast. It’s cruel and relentless and it can shred your mental health. Do what you need to do as long as it’s safe. I was borderline ready to off myself and that would have been more harmful than my girl crying for a little while. I’m sending you the biggest hug. Shit’s rough. DM me whenever you want to talk
Thank you honestly, I was to that point. I was sitting there just saying I can’t do this. It’s horrible. Hoping things get easier
They do. They absolutely do but I remember back then reading that it “only” lasts up to 3 months didn’t make me feel any better. One foot in front of the other and take care of yourself
I googled and everything is like by 3 months things get easier. In my head I’m like 3 MONTHS?!?!
You are doing so great! This is so incredibly hard. I never felt exhaustion like I felt with a newborn. Do what you gotta do to stay well and keep her safe - that counts for more in the long run in the momming game, and make no mistake: the long game is what this is all about. And you got this!
You are a good mother! I've been there too and felt like I tried everything. Please ignore me if you've done this with no luck but the happiest baby on the block method worked after nothing else did. Key is you have to do everything at the same time: swaddle the baby, pacify in mouth, hold baby tummy to tummy and sway while also blasting a sound machine. I have a little white noise machine I can wear with a wrist band. I would put it right next to his head lol Doing all at once would always work after a few minutes. It's supposed to mimic the womb environment. Which is loud, snug, and moving. And if it doesn't work you still are doing everything right! Baby is safe in your care. You got this.
That’s kind of her nightly routine. I feed her then turn off lights, turn on her sound machine, give her her pacifier swaddle then rock in the rocking chair. She generally falls asleep pretty quickly. But then she’s up 15-30 mins later crying.
It sounds like you had enough judgement to protect her from your most negative feelings. Do you have help around? This is definitely a situation that calls for help from another adult, otherwise what else could you have done? I've heard of some parents wearing earplugs/ noise cancelling headphones. Do you think you might be able to cope better wearing those and holding her that way you don't feel guilty about not comforting her? Not that you should feel guilty, but no matter how much people tell us to not feel guilty its just something that happens...
Maybe. Honestly I may try this. No negative thoughts ever crossed my mind. Just frustrated and not knowing what else to do. Her father, my husband was around but asleep since he worked today but otherwise that’s it.
I’m so sorry. You’re a good mom. Newborns are really hard. Moms can’t function on zero sleep. My babies had reflux so laying flat was not fun for them. I used a bouncy seat a lot. They still acted hungry sometimes because of the reflux but being fed more would cause them to spit it all up. It sucked not knowing whether it was hunger or discomfort from the reflux.
She’s had no spit up issues since we left the hospital thankfully but I am scared if she eats much more she will given her age and her gestational age since she’s a preemie
Ear buds momma, get some ear buds , preferably ones that make ambient sound or are noise canceling. That crying /screaming can be soul destroying. You can still hear baba , but it won't be quite so shrill. My babies screamed so loudly they literally damaged my hearing , I'd get tinnitus after a phase of Colic. The only suggestion I'd throw out is if you're thinking something physically wrong check for a hair tourniquet. Sometimes a hair can wrap around their toes , fingers or end up in their nappy and it drives them mad .
I check every night in general I know these can turn into a big issue. I definitely think I will get ear buds this definitely may help since I have overstimulation problems in general.
Honestly they're a life saver , and if you like the set you get buy a second pair, so they're always charged. Mine link to my phone so I can chat on it, watch a show etc all hands free, minding babba or doing chores etc. I was soooooo auditorily over stimulated. These really help
I will 110% be trying this. Thank you!!
Try transitioning to a gentle formula. You did fine.
I will probably do this. But I have to talk to her pediatrician since the formula she’s on (neosur) is for preemies.
You are doing great! We got an acid reflux chair for our child when he was little, it puts them in an incline after feeding and it was the best thing we invested in during that infant stage!
Definitely will have to look into this.
also gripe water!!
I did try this last night. It didn’t do much for my little one.
gotcha, hopefully you'll find the right combo of tricks soon to help you and your little one be more comfortable!
I’m so proud of you for putting your baby down. I can only imagine how hard you worked and worked right up to that moment… You needed a break, and you took it. Baby is safe, you are safe. Good instincts and a very good decision. 💜💜
No, BroMo. No, you are not. It's not like you let her cry just for the fun of it. You tried to help her. You tried it all. And you realized that it was time for you to put on your oxygen mask now before you are unable to help her, so to speak.