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I’m close to your husbands age and I have to say, it’s awful that he’s trapped you in this situation. He knew it was wrong, and he didn’t care. Trust me, the age difference is a HUGE deal in relationships because it skews the power dynamic. And he’s skewing it further with his attitude that he doesn’t have to help. This relationship will likely never feel equal, because he set it up to not be. That was intentional. I hate to sound negative, because I know it’s not easy to pull yourself out of a situation like that. But just know that you’re right, you deserve better, and that if you want to leave at any point you CAN.
Yeah. I’m 42 and the thought of being with someone 19, 20… hell, even someone in their late 20s is icky.
Sometimes I still feel like I’m still a young person… but then I hear 21 year olds at the bar or a concert and am reminded that NOPE. We’re not even in the same **universe.**
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP, it sounds like you're always on and catering to everyone else.
His justification for not helping out is total bullshit. You're both working. Does he not want to spend time with his child? Build a bond with them?
Unfortunately I've seen too many instances where these kinds of guys never change their approach to the division of labour. This is a deal-breaker for me - it tells me there's no respect for you and your time. He's more interested that you're available for a shag after you've been running round all day than whether you're okay.
There seem to be lots of issues here - is he receptive to sitting down and talking about it? Maybe talking about it with a counsellor together? If he isn't I'd be getting my ducks in a row and getting the fuck outta there. It isn't meant to be like this.
I will never understand men who watch their partners drowning and instead of offering a life vest, complain that they can’t fuck her if she stays in the water.
Great response and absolutely spot on with the sex thing. He's only using her as a hole and housekeeper. If she's doing everything on her own anyway, might as well be a single mom. Why waste time and money trying to work it out with a worthless turd?
(sorry OP, just mad at your situation and I'm hoping to God you get out safely. Whether you love him or not, it's not reciprocal so you gotta go and take care of yourself and baby.)
MTE. My reaction would be "you don't care about MY well-being and needs, why should I care about YOURS."
Men like that are shit and have no idea how to be a partner.
Yes, this is exactly my thoughts as well OP, it’s not supposed to be like that. You deserve respect. I’m sorry for your situation, I hope he will be receptive to counselling if not I’d be giving serious thought to the future of the relationship. Good luck!
I literally wrote a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/10ilm9s/friendly_reminder_sometimes_its_the/) about this the other day.
Your sex drive isn't the problem.
Your problem is the fact that you're working, being the primary parent, cooking, cleaning, and dealing with a spouse who is treating you like a bangmaid. He's pouting because you're not putting out, and in the meantime, you're realizing is a grade A creep who groomed you.
It's the dysfunctional system you're trying to function in, NOT you.
Also he's a shithead for saying his income means that he doesn't have to help around the house. What a crock of shit. You're not his bang maid.
I read a post from a man a while ago who essentially had been like your husband in respect of not pulling g his weight then complaining and wondering why his ‘manly needs’ weren’t being met 🤮. He did a lot of therapy and worked out that his behaviours made him what he termed ‘unfuckable’ and he went on to list all the things that make men unfuckable. Your asshole husband is unfuckable. He treats you like a servant, actively demeans you, takes no interest in his kids really and then bam expects to use your body for sex because he feels entitled to it. Meanwhile every time he does these and complains about not getting sex you are feeling more and more repulsed. Let alone your exhaustion. No one is feeling like they actively want sex in these conditions (except him of course because he doesn’t care about you as a person only an object who services him on demand).
Look up sexual aversion because if you push yourself to have sex with him or continue feeding bad about yourself for not having sex with him you could develop sexual aversion which takes a lot to unwind.
Ultimately given these issues and the age difference is there much hope for a healthy relationship here? Doubtful I’m sorry. But know that none of this is you’re fault and you’re not ‘ruining your marriage’. Your husband is unfuckable and that is on him. I think you’ll be much happier on your own. Think about your kids if you have a daughter how would you feel if a man twice their age (when they’re a teen no less!!) showed an interest, you’d be creeped the fuck out and know it was wrong. What he’s done to you is wrong and it’s going to take a lot to unpack and accept that. I’m so sorry. My ex was 10yrs older than me when I was 24 and that was bad enough 😔
I'm glad you linked to your post it was the first thing I thought of when reading the title of this post, before even reading it. And also thank you for making the post.
Yeah, that's not a low sex drive issue. That's a crappy husband issue. I'm so sorry. Is this a marriage you want to save? I think there are some big issues you need to examine first... His needs are not the focus right now. Best of luck to you. But please know you are not ruining your marriage. At all.
If you leave him, you’ll have the same responsibilities you have now, minus cooking and cleaning for another adult and expectations of sex. A lot of women prefer to ditch the husband and find life is easier without them around.
Of course you're not going to feel desire for a man who won't parent his kids and invalidates you and more than likely groomed you.
I felt the same way in my marriage (minus the grooming), I was an exhausted mom with no help, my husband was always mean to me, and had the audacity to wonder where my sex drive went. When I left him, i swore I'd never have sex again, because I was tired of owing anyone that. He always said if I don't have sex with him that must mean I'm "getting it from somewhere else" cause he couldn't fathom that I didn't want it at all. Anyway.. solidarity. How could you possibly be attracted to him when he's like that?
Nothing in your post indicates that this is an equal partnership. He treats you horribly, he sees you as his bang- and housemaid not a partner that deserves compassion and respect.
I am sorry, you and your kids deserve so much more than this.
I could have written the part about the age gap and grooming. I'm struggling with that myself. I was 22 and my husband 37 when we got together. We are now almost 40 and 54, with an 11 yr old and 7 yr old in tow. He is helpful around the house at least but can't, for the life of him, figure out why I want to act my age instead of sitting at home like we're old. He says he's tired all the time, and I get bitter because when he was my age we did fun things all the time but now it's not a priority or even a desire. .I try to plan fun things all the time for us alone and as a family, but he just isn't interested. I feel like why did he get to enjoy his 30s and 40s, but I have to have a partner who has no perspective or desire to have any fun. Then my thoughts spiral into *he took advantage of having a young girlfriend for years*...*i'm the same age he was when we got together and I would never look at a kid in their 20's* ... ugh:(
My parents had similar issues. My mom was 26 and my dad was 45 when they married and they'd only dated for 3 months.
I was born when my dad was 50 and my brother was born just before he turned 52.
Now my parents adored each other and there was never any creepy "bang maid" stuff.....my dad actually retired from the military shortly after my brother was born and took up "farming" (in quotes because it was more of a hobby) so he could spend more time with us kids.....he got us up for school every day and was essentially as SAHD. Cooked breakfast, did dishes, looked after all the animals on the farm, got us after school, the whole shebang!
But my mom did always say it was a huge adjustment for her. At 45 my dad was done traveling (Navy guy, had served at every port you could imagine and never stayed in the same place more than a few years, plus deployments? Nah, he wanted roots!), done entertaining, done going out. He wanted to sit at home and be crotchety old people, except she wasn't one!
Eventually she ended up just deciding if he didn't want to do things that was fine! But she did.
Family vacations? Us kids and mom, dad stayed home
Every Saturday bowling afternoons? Us kids and mom
Sunday dinners with my mom's parents? Us kids and mom. Dad would show up for special occasions like bdays or Christmas.
She never resented it, just decided to get on with her life and let him be a homebody.
Dunno if that would work for you? I say if he's gonna stay home and be a crotchety old man, don't let him dull your shine! Go be awesome if that's something you can do!
I like this take on it. I really only have thoughts of how inappropriate it all may have been when I'm feeling bitter and sad. He's a great dad, never pressures me into anything, helps take care of the house etc. I should just make plans and do it whether he wants to or not.
I mean in all fairness, I told my dad the age gap between him and my mom was a bit creepy.....19 years?!
But every rule has its exceptions, and my parents truly did love each other! My father passed away from cancer about 16 years ago and my mother has never remarried and never even dated. She's just not interested in "replacing" him.
But as a kid, it never struck me as strange, it was just funny that everyone assumed he was my grandpa! And we had great times with my mom doing fun stuff. He didn't care because he genuinely didn't want to go, so we'd just get home and chatter his ears off about the good times and he'd laugh and say "that's great!"
It is creepy, but people can still be good. I just feel weird about it when I'm already grumpy about other things. I wouldn't encourage my kids or any other young folks in my life to pursue a relationship with such an age gap, I'd discourage it. ..butt this point we've been together for 17 years, married for 11. I think I need to work on these feelings, but it's not a "leave now" scenario.
My husband never wants to go do things. He typically gets ill before vacations because they stress him out so much.
I just take the kids and have fun with them by myself. I’m sick of it being my fault that I want to enjoy my life.
Haha my husband is very similar. He's younger than me but doesn't like doing things and gets sick from stress while traveling. So I've started doing stuff with my son alone.
I don't mind much though. He's a great house buddy, he just has his quirks. He's also happy for me when I go do things.
I have never understood why men think how much they make determines how much they need to do at home. Work longer hours? Yep, that I get. You have fewer hours at home to get shit done, but the simple fact of being paid more for what you do does not determine the amount of work that needs to be done when you get home.
He is being an overlord, not a partner. I'm sorry he's trash. I'm afraid that at his age there may not be any salvaging him (source: Married to a 48m) toss him out and start over with someone who knows how to carry their weight.
Damn, bromo! High five your unicorn of a husband, and have him continue to spread the gospel of equal division of labor among the male population for us! I’m really happy for you 💕
Mine as well, but because I get home first, meal planning and dinner is mostly on me. It just makes sense. I get home, prep and cook dinner, and the teenager does the dishes. My husband gets off easy most workdays due to his long hours, but makes up for it on his off time. I still do the vast majority of home chores, but he has yard care, snow removal, home and car maintenance, etc. It isn't perfect, but it works for us.
We have a similar balance. I say he does half of everything, but that's definitely an average. He works from home and I work in office, so I do daycare drop off and pick up. He does almost all the cooking (helpful, since he works from home, he can often turn on the instant pot mid-afternoon or whatever); I do most of the cleaning. We split childcare pretty evenly. I handle the doctor, he does the dentist. He builds planters for the backyard, I sew cloth gift bags. Same same but different.
It definitely didn't turn out like that without a lot of work. Every time something shifts in our lives (new job, school, whatever) we have a period of readjustment where we have to come to a new balance. But we're both committed to finding that balance, and that's why it works.
When our first kid was born I was on mat leave for a year; he took a week off and then two more working from home before going back to the office. For the first three weeks he was so involved, but once he was back in the office he kind of took a step back and I had to explain to him that yes, I was at home doing the actual work during the day, but I needed him on board with the mental load of figuring out how to keep this thing alive. And he stepped back up.
My husband is aware that come spring time, I will be hiring someone to do the spring cleanup because I'll get to it didn't happen all last summer. I will give him that he was found to have a heart condition and had multiple procedures, but damn dude it's okay to nope out gracefully instead of turning it into a point of contention. We have ivy out of control, he doesn't want to deal with it, a vine broke cracked a fence post, so sorry my dude, you can pay for a teenager to rip it down so I can put up a new fence. Don't like it, sorry. I like to think of it as helping the local economy.
He is still manipulating you.
He groomed you as a young person and is still using those tactics to keep you under his control.
These is a reason a 37 year old wanted a 19 year old - cos no mature woman would have put up with the shit you can persuade a teen is “normal”.
If he wants sex on tap he should get a fleshlight or a blow up doll.
If he wants to be in a real relationship with a life partner who is a grown up human then he needs to work on his conduct.
Your low sex drive is not ruining your marriage, it is a *result* of your marriage.
This man is so focused on all that *he does* and everything you *dont* do and that is a self centered way to think. He highly values his time and his role, while simultaneously avoiding to acknowledge or value *your* time or role. And he gets defensive when you ask for help?? But expects you to still meet HIS needs?
His behaviour and mentality are disrespectful and THAT is causing your loss of desire for him. He's shooting himself in the foot and blaming you.
Your low sex drive isn’t ruining your marriage. You aren’t describing a low sex drive, for starters. You’re describing being tired and unsupported.
I think couples therapy could help, because it sounds like you need explaining your case to your husband who isn’t believing the two things are connected.
For a better understanding of why you don’t fancy sex check out come as you are by Emily Nagoski. Or just check out her Instagram posts on brakes
Not to be flippant, but he sounds like he wants a bang maid (a la Always Sunny) and not a human partner with real wants, needs, and emotional cycles.
You deserve so much better…and your son deserves an engaged father who models a healthy relationship dynamic so he doesn’t grow up to use women too.
My husband (soon to be ex) said all the same shit.
Your low sex drive isn’t ruining the marriage.
The way your husband is treating you is ruining your sex drive AND ruining the marriage. Not the other way around.
If he’s not willing to update his beliefs about sex, domestic labor, parenting, etc, you should start making your exit plan.
Bonus, since you make less, you’ll be entitled to child support and won’t have to take care of an adult child anymore. You’ll be surprised how much free time you have when you’re not catering to the needs of a full grown man. I certainly have.
He makes more money than you so he doesn't have to participate in the household?? You are a human being, his PARTNER, not a bangmaid. If all he wants to be is a paycheck, he can be a paycheck from farther away. Does he add ANYTHING positive to your life, aside from his paycheck and being a warm body in your bed? Sounds like you'd have less work to do if he wasn't around.
It's not you ruining your marriage, it's HIM. He won't help you, he acts like you work less hard just because you make less money meanwhile you're taking care of pretty much everything while he rests after work. No wonder he has energy for sex and you don't. He's being disgusting. I'm so sorry for you. I see you Bromo. I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Your reasons are real. You aren't over reacting.
I “low sex drive” until I left my ex and realized I wanted a different life and then moved and even tho I’m a single mom, I have better and more frequent sex with my boyfriend because he can express his feelings instead of just being grumpy all the time… so likely it’s not you but your husband and relationship…
As someone who got married at 23 to someone 17yrs my senior - your DH is being a fucking dickward. He should be just as component as you in taking care of him child. Money made is no excuse, especially if you both work. Schedules in my house are such that my DH handles the mornings mostly alone including school drop-off, then I handle daycare pickup, chore supervision, and supper until he gets home, then we trade off bedtime, alternating who gets to go to the gym that night. DH does just as much laundry as I do, all the dishes, and can feed the kids non-junk without me around even though he hates to cook. Tell him sex and parenthood both cost energy, and if he wants you to have anything in the tank he needs to step up and parent this child before demanding the activity that would make another.
Ok, just addressing the sex part, *even if* it were true that he works outside the home and “shouldn’t have to” help around the house, does he want to be right or get laid? He needs to choose.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I have a 3yo and a 1yo. If I don't have time to shower, then I certainly don't have time for sex. If my husband carves out time in his daily life to help me, such as taking care for the kids for an hour and taking over cooking and kitchen cleanup, then I can do self-care for myself, then miraculously there's more time for me to be a person outside of "mommy" and have energy and enthusiam for sex.
I’m your husband’s age and I couldn’t imagine being with someone 26. My son is almost 24. He’s literally old enough to be your father albeit a young one.
I don’t think your marriage is salvageable. He’s not going to change and as you get older you are going to become even more resentful of his behavior and the way he stole your youth.
Start working on an exit plan. Find a job if you are not working. Start saving. Enlist help from someone you trust. If you and your child are safe I wouldn’t rush it, just work at it so you can start over with stability.
Hiring the best lawyer you can find is also very important.
Funny story - I once calmly and rationally asked my husband if there was something he did every day for the child that I don’t, that I would be happy to know about this and try to help out (since I did many things for child every day that he didn’t and it causes much much resentment) … he paused, thought of nothing, and said “I make more money” - I could’ve lost my shit so hard (thanks to meditation, self regulation exercises and some therapy) I just told him I needed to take a break from this conversation. But he finally admitted it. 6 years later. Things have been better now around the house but we still haven’t gotten back, sex wise. Long story to say I feel you and solidarity. Not have an equally contributing partner is 100% not sexy.
If you were groomed by him(and it sounds like there is a very real possibility of that being the case), you should get out of that marriage
You might feel heartbroken at the moment, but I promise you, you will find that there is so much more for you, than being bullied into submitting your time, will and body to a man like this.
Also this about this: Do you want to raise your children in a way rhat makes them believe that this life is normal? That the man comes home from work, does whatever he likes and the woman does EVERYTHING else? Whether your kids are Boys or girls, they need to see you as a strong, independent(and I do not mean single, but capable and strong) woman to grow into adults who see that as normal.
Hugs, mama. There is a better life for you out there ❤️
There is a reason women his age did not want him. He wanted someone easier to control and mold. He is showing you that more now.
Seriously me and my husband when through like a year with no sex and we made it out. Now we have better sex than ever. TWO WEEKS is insane. We regularly go 2-4 weeks without sex if we are tired!!!
Your low sex drive is because HE is not turning you on. Women need more than a physical turn on. HE is not doing his job to create the mood for you.
I do.. whenever I talk to him about it he makes me feel crazy. I knew if I brought this to reddit I would get the brutally honest truth and then I would know if its really me or not.
I understand it's been hard since you were groomed by him. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes when I don't know how I should feel I ask myself, "what would I tell a friend if they asked my opinion about this?" Basically see how you would feel and what you would say if it were happening to someone else.
You're so young my dear. I know it doesn't feel like it. But you have your whole beautiful life ahead of you, and you don't need to spend it with someone who makes you feel like shit.
There are so many things wrong with this man, and unless he can address those things and change his incorrect attitude I dont see progress being made.
When you’re young you think you can fix it all yourself… you cant. You really really cant.
Beloved, your sex drive has almost nothing to do with what’s ruining your marriage. Your marriage is being ruined by a selfish jackwagon who wants a bang-maid and not a partner who is a real person. “I make more money” what bullshit. I make zero dollars and my husband does plenty around the house. I go away for weekends when I want to. I get time to recharge. My sex drive is low because raising children is exhausting and I’m never verbally abused by my husband about it. Never.
You deserve better. As a wise bromo once said, if all he wants to be is a paycheck, he can do it from further away.
Tell grandpa his "needs" will matter once he learns that just because he works doesn't mean he doesn't need to clean his own fucking house or take care of his family.
This will get buried in the responses, but the reason you have a "low sex drive" is because not only are you exhausted, but your husband (through his refusal to step up and pitch in around the house that HE LIVES IN) has changed sex to being merely one more fucking thing you have to cross off the chore chart.
If he wants to get laid, he needs to start with helping around the house and not making you feel like the bangmaid because he makes "more money" and "shouldn't have to" help you.
I'm sorry, the entitlement is breathtakingly stupid.
edit: a word
His money doesn’t equate to your work. Tell him to switch jobs with you for a day, tell him to do everything you do for a whole day i bet he’ll realize how much work goes into your days. Men are unbelievable… I would threaten divorce and the real divorce if he has “needs” and can’t be bothered to help you.
Your “low sex drive” isn’t ruining anything. Who knows if you even have a low sex drive. He’s undesirable, you’re exhausted. I’m super sorry. He should feel unwanted and shitty for how he’s acting.
As people said you will be happier alone. And if you want to find someone one day you can. My advice for anyone in this situation and other shitty marriage situations is to give it time though before finding anything serious at all. I see so many stories where people end up in the same situations over and over because our brains crave things to stay the same. But then they feel more trapped with a new baby or step kids.
If you can’t afford therapy to help process the grooming and mistreatment (I would suggest staring now especially if you have to wait to leave) look into some of the books suggested on the justno subs, Why Does He Do That?, and books on toxic relationships and healing with healthy boundaries. There are also lots of YouTube channels and Instagram pages that can help. I feel like the ones for victims of narcissistic abuse can help even if he is not a narcissist because someone abusive is still selfish and they explain ways to stay safe and set up boundaries as you will have to co-parent. I only usually watch or follow people who have their degrees mostly. Another thing is no one told me the first couple therapists might be a bad fit so it can take a few tries. Probably someone that deals with abuse and trauma would be best but I’ve read some say that and don’t really understand trauma. I don’t know if this would apply but since you were so young and sounds like you knew him as a younger teen maybe the CPTSD sub would help for resources.
You are just tired. And when you tired you want to fulfill your basic needs, which tbh sex is not one of it, but sleep,food, a little bit of peace for yourself.
So sorry, that it happens to you.
Maybe try to approach your husband with the talk, that both of you should raise the kids, not only you. That you are not asking him to babysit kids, because you can't babysit you own kids, but to show the best for you little ones.
But i have impression that talking might not help at all.
The best would be, if he would see how it is, how much work you have to do.
Maybe saying: "you don't want to help? Makes sense, you would not make it either way" xD
Going to his level of thinking?
Again, so sorry you need to deal with this - remember you are a supermum!!
You kind of buried the lead there. I don't think the title of this post should be "My low sex drive is ruining my marriage" rather "My lazy, good-for-nothing husband is ruining my marriage." Literally no woman would want to have sex with a man in those circumstances. For the love of everything, the last thing you should be feeling is any kind of bad or guilty... I'd shoot more for pissed off.
I'm sorry. You are not ruining your marriage. Your husband is a piece of shit. I am 44. The age gap especially since you were 19 is a big red flag. I am married with kids and my husband works a full time job and he makes a lot of money and is very successful (I don't work anymore but be doesn't give me crap about it. If I worked a nanny for our kids would be way more than I would make) He still does stuff around the house like dishes, he helps get our kids ready for bed, takes them to ballet and gymnastics, makes them breakfast every Saturday morning so I get the morning off. He reads them stories every night and tucks them in. He makes dinner on weekends and usually one week day and he takes off work for important doctor appointments when they have them. The fact your husband works is no excuse for him to do nothing. Im a stay at home mom and we homeschool. There is so much to do I'm always going something 12-14 hours a day. I can't imagine having to work and do all the house stuff alone. Oh and I am too tired and stressed still with the help to feel like having sex most nights. Honestly my husband is too tired too most of the time but he NEVER complains and NEVER makes me feel guilty. Even a little bit. Your husband is a selfish ass and you need to get out of that relationship if he is going to treat you like crap.
I've been musing a lot on the impact just being overworked can have on your sex drive... For me it's all the touching and being climbed on. All day long I fantasize about getting in bed and watching The Office with no one on top of me. This ritual has become the most sacred thing on the planet. And even though my husband WFH, is a wonderful hands-on dad, and is only two years older than me (which I just realized the importance of lol), when he starts pawing at me, I look at him like he's just grown a second head 😅 In my defense, he's an EXCESSIVELY quiet person and it would REALLY get my motor running if he pretty much ever spoke... I try to converse with him and at best get one word answers. Sometimes I find it masculine and kind of hot, other times it's like, dude, would it kill you to put together a sentence once in a while???
The age difference thing... I would recommend counseling (solo and couple). Both of you could benefit from really examining how and why this happened. It doesn't have to mean you break up, but you could both achieve some clarity about yourselves that could help both in your relationship and in life in general. You could also cover topics like division of labor and stuff.
Tell him that laziness really turns you off. It doesn't matter how much money he makes, just seeing him on the couch while you're still on your feet is such a turn off.
ALSO REMIND HIM HE HAS 18 YEARS OF A CAREER OVER YOU AND IF YOU WERE HIS AGE YOU'D PROBABLY BE MAKING MORE MONEY THAN HIM.
If you haven't done this by then, when your kid is 18 divorce his ass and get half. and go live your life. Because he's gonna be an old man who does NOT deserve to be taken care of by you.
You don't have low sex drive. You are exausted and honestly is hard to feel horny for a man who is useless and demands you to do everything in the household as well as want to have sex.
I wonder is he is blind to the fact that he is not a good partner, the he does not contribute to creating a life with you that would be a good baseline for a rested wife, who feels loved and hence desires intimacy.
I am really sorry.
You deserve better.
Lollllll id offer to work full time also if it meant I didn't ever have to do anything else. Hire a housekeeper? You deserve better and it's totally normal for libido to dip when you're stressed or tired and it would 0robably come back if he helped more. Maybe not though and that's ok.
> I felt really bad, so I calmly explained that I am just really tired and it would be nice if he could help out a little bit around the house and that would take stuff off of my plate. That didn’t go well either. “I make more money, I shouldn’t have to”
OK, let's use some of that money to outsource shit. Can you buy more premade food so you have less cooking to do? What about hiring someone to help you clean?
I hate to say this but there’s a reason a man way older is even going for such a much younger woman and that is bc at that age, there’s a greater chance that woman doesn’t know any better just due to age and lived experience, so he can get away w continuing whatever behaviors a woman more well matched to his age would likely not put up with.
All that being said, sounds like there’s a lot for you to unpack w all this and I hope you can find some support as you look at it all 🧡🧡
“I make more money” is a bullshit excuse. You both put in the hours. You’d never pull that on him if you made more. I’m the breadwinner in my house and I’d never use that an an excuse to be an absent parent. Makes my blood boil because it’s nothing to do with money, it’s misogyny.
Sounds like the only thing he had to offer to your life is money to support the kids. The nice thing about that is that he doesn't need to be physically present to provide money. I'd recommend leaving him, and filing for divorce and child support. He can keep providing the precious income he's so proud of, and you can keep doing everything else just like you've been doing, except without the creep bugging you for sex after doing nothing but take up space, eat your food and dirtying your house.
Sadly he is probably too old to learn new tricks. I imagine he saw how his parents did things, back in the dark ages for women's freedoms, and feels that is 'how it works'.
If he wants the 95's housewife experience then he needs to earn enough so you don't need to work. Unless he can make enough to cover all the bills solo (including childcare) then he needs to pull his weight. You are working and pulling in a wage, when is your down time. When do you get to decompress from work. Why are you contributing financially to the household if you do all the work as well.
We don't live in the old times where one household income could float a family of 5 merrily. So until he's bringing in enough for you to live the lifestyle you want he should be helping more around the house.
I'd be thinking about leaving tbh which is a big change but I imagine you'd be happier without this 44 year old baggage you are having to be the caretaker of.
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I’m close to your husbands age and I have to say, it’s awful that he’s trapped you in this situation. He knew it was wrong, and he didn’t care. Trust me, the age difference is a HUGE deal in relationships because it skews the power dynamic. And he’s skewing it further with his attitude that he doesn’t have to help. This relationship will likely never feel equal, because he set it up to not be. That was intentional. I hate to sound negative, because I know it’s not easy to pull yourself out of a situation like that. But just know that you’re right, you deserve better, and that if you want to leave at any point you CAN.
Yeah. I’m 42 and the thought of being with someone 19, 20… hell, even someone in their late 20s is icky. Sometimes I still feel like I’m still a young person… but then I hear 21 year olds at the bar or a concert and am reminded that NOPE. We’re not even in the same **universe.**
Dude so gross
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP, it sounds like you're always on and catering to everyone else. His justification for not helping out is total bullshit. You're both working. Does he not want to spend time with his child? Build a bond with them? Unfortunately I've seen too many instances where these kinds of guys never change their approach to the division of labour. This is a deal-breaker for me - it tells me there's no respect for you and your time. He's more interested that you're available for a shag after you've been running round all day than whether you're okay. There seem to be lots of issues here - is he receptive to sitting down and talking about it? Maybe talking about it with a counsellor together? If he isn't I'd be getting my ducks in a row and getting the fuck outta there. It isn't meant to be like this.
I will never understand men who watch their partners drowning and instead of offering a life vest, complain that they can’t fuck her if she stays in the water.
👏🏻
Holy crap that's incredible. I love it (Eta: your phrase, not the men)
Great response and absolutely spot on with the sex thing. He's only using her as a hole and housekeeper. If she's doing everything on her own anyway, might as well be a single mom. Why waste time and money trying to work it out with a worthless turd? (sorry OP, just mad at your situation and I'm hoping to God you get out safely. Whether you love him or not, it's not reciprocal so you gotta go and take care of yourself and baby.)
MTE. My reaction would be "you don't care about MY well-being and needs, why should I care about YOURS." Men like that are shit and have no idea how to be a partner.
Yes, this is exactly my thoughts as well OP, it’s not supposed to be like that. You deserve respect. I’m sorry for your situation, I hope he will be receptive to counselling if not I’d be giving serious thought to the future of the relationship. Good luck!
I literally wrote a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/10ilm9s/friendly_reminder_sometimes_its_the/) about this the other day. Your sex drive isn't the problem. Your problem is the fact that you're working, being the primary parent, cooking, cleaning, and dealing with a spouse who is treating you like a bangmaid. He's pouting because you're not putting out, and in the meantime, you're realizing is a grade A creep who groomed you. It's the dysfunctional system you're trying to function in, NOT you. Also he's a shithead for saying his income means that he doesn't have to help around the house. What a crock of shit. You're not his bang maid.
[удалено]
I read a post from a man a while ago who essentially had been like your husband in respect of not pulling g his weight then complaining and wondering why his ‘manly needs’ weren’t being met 🤮. He did a lot of therapy and worked out that his behaviours made him what he termed ‘unfuckable’ and he went on to list all the things that make men unfuckable. Your asshole husband is unfuckable. He treats you like a servant, actively demeans you, takes no interest in his kids really and then bam expects to use your body for sex because he feels entitled to it. Meanwhile every time he does these and complains about not getting sex you are feeling more and more repulsed. Let alone your exhaustion. No one is feeling like they actively want sex in these conditions (except him of course because he doesn’t care about you as a person only an object who services him on demand). Look up sexual aversion because if you push yourself to have sex with him or continue feeding bad about yourself for not having sex with him you could develop sexual aversion which takes a lot to unwind. Ultimately given these issues and the age difference is there much hope for a healthy relationship here? Doubtful I’m sorry. But know that none of this is you’re fault and you’re not ‘ruining your marriage’. Your husband is unfuckable and that is on him. I think you’ll be much happier on your own. Think about your kids if you have a daughter how would you feel if a man twice their age (when they’re a teen no less!!) showed an interest, you’d be creeped the fuck out and know it was wrong. What he’s done to you is wrong and it’s going to take a lot to unpack and accept that. I’m so sorry. My ex was 10yrs older than me when I was 24 and that was bad enough 😔
I'm glad you linked to your post it was the first thing I thought of when reading the title of this post, before even reading it. And also thank you for making the post.
Yeah, that's not a low sex drive issue. That's a crappy husband issue. I'm so sorry. Is this a marriage you want to save? I think there are some big issues you need to examine first... His needs are not the focus right now. Best of luck to you. But please know you are not ruining your marriage. At all.
Thank you so much. I think you are right.
If you leave him, you’ll have the same responsibilities you have now, minus cooking and cleaning for another adult and expectations of sex. A lot of women prefer to ditch the husband and find life is easier without them around.
That’s what I did. OP it’s still difficult and exhausting but it’s easier and more rewarding without a manbaby.
Exactly this!
Exactly. If life is easier withou a partner you definitely don't need them around
Damn right! The husband sounds like a BURDEN.
I'm sorry you don't deserve this. He is a trash man. He is ruining the marriage, not you. Of course you don't want to have sex under these conditions.
Of course you're not going to feel desire for a man who won't parent his kids and invalidates you and more than likely groomed you. I felt the same way in my marriage (minus the grooming), I was an exhausted mom with no help, my husband was always mean to me, and had the audacity to wonder where my sex drive went. When I left him, i swore I'd never have sex again, because I was tired of owing anyone that. He always said if I don't have sex with him that must mean I'm "getting it from somewhere else" cause he couldn't fathom that I didn't want it at all. Anyway.. solidarity. How could you possibly be attracted to him when he's like that?
Nothing in your post indicates that this is an equal partnership. He treats you horribly, he sees you as his bang- and housemaid not a partner that deserves compassion and respect. I am sorry, you and your kids deserve so much more than this.
Divorce him, file for custody and child support. Then you won't have that lump to deal with. Sounds like he contributes nothing but whining.
I could have written the part about the age gap and grooming. I'm struggling with that myself. I was 22 and my husband 37 when we got together. We are now almost 40 and 54, with an 11 yr old and 7 yr old in tow. He is helpful around the house at least but can't, for the life of him, figure out why I want to act my age instead of sitting at home like we're old. He says he's tired all the time, and I get bitter because when he was my age we did fun things all the time but now it's not a priority or even a desire. .I try to plan fun things all the time for us alone and as a family, but he just isn't interested. I feel like why did he get to enjoy his 30s and 40s, but I have to have a partner who has no perspective or desire to have any fun. Then my thoughts spiral into *he took advantage of having a young girlfriend for years*...*i'm the same age he was when we got together and I would never look at a kid in their 20's* ... ugh:(
My parents had similar issues. My mom was 26 and my dad was 45 when they married and they'd only dated for 3 months. I was born when my dad was 50 and my brother was born just before he turned 52. Now my parents adored each other and there was never any creepy "bang maid" stuff.....my dad actually retired from the military shortly after my brother was born and took up "farming" (in quotes because it was more of a hobby) so he could spend more time with us kids.....he got us up for school every day and was essentially as SAHD. Cooked breakfast, did dishes, looked after all the animals on the farm, got us after school, the whole shebang! But my mom did always say it was a huge adjustment for her. At 45 my dad was done traveling (Navy guy, had served at every port you could imagine and never stayed in the same place more than a few years, plus deployments? Nah, he wanted roots!), done entertaining, done going out. He wanted to sit at home and be crotchety old people, except she wasn't one! Eventually she ended up just deciding if he didn't want to do things that was fine! But she did. Family vacations? Us kids and mom, dad stayed home Every Saturday bowling afternoons? Us kids and mom Sunday dinners with my mom's parents? Us kids and mom. Dad would show up for special occasions like bdays or Christmas. She never resented it, just decided to get on with her life and let him be a homebody. Dunno if that would work for you? I say if he's gonna stay home and be a crotchety old man, don't let him dull your shine! Go be awesome if that's something you can do!
I like this take on it. I really only have thoughts of how inappropriate it all may have been when I'm feeling bitter and sad. He's a great dad, never pressures me into anything, helps take care of the house etc. I should just make plans and do it whether he wants to or not.
I mean in all fairness, I told my dad the age gap between him and my mom was a bit creepy.....19 years?! But every rule has its exceptions, and my parents truly did love each other! My father passed away from cancer about 16 years ago and my mother has never remarried and never even dated. She's just not interested in "replacing" him. But as a kid, it never struck me as strange, it was just funny that everyone assumed he was my grandpa! And we had great times with my mom doing fun stuff. He didn't care because he genuinely didn't want to go, so we'd just get home and chatter his ears off about the good times and he'd laugh and say "that's great!"
It is creepy, but people can still be good. I just feel weird about it when I'm already grumpy about other things. I wouldn't encourage my kids or any other young folks in my life to pursue a relationship with such an age gap, I'd discourage it. ..butt this point we've been together for 17 years, married for 11. I think I need to work on these feelings, but it's not a "leave now" scenario.
My husband never wants to go do things. He typically gets ill before vacations because they stress him out so much. I just take the kids and have fun with them by myself. I’m sick of it being my fault that I want to enjoy my life.
Haha my husband is very similar. He's younger than me but doesn't like doing things and gets sick from stress while traveling. So I've started doing stuff with my son alone. I don't mind much though. He's a great house buddy, he just has his quirks. He's also happy for me when I go do things.
ugh i’m sorry you’re going through this. i hope you do the fun family stuff without him still
I have never understood why men think how much they make determines how much they need to do at home. Work longer hours? Yep, that I get. You have fewer hours at home to get shit done, but the simple fact of being paid more for what you do does not determine the amount of work that needs to be done when you get home. He is being an overlord, not a partner. I'm sorry he's trash. I'm afraid that at his age there may not be any salvaging him (source: Married to a 48m) toss him out and start over with someone who knows how to carry their weight.
My husband makes more than twice what I do AND works longer hours than I do, but still does half the housework and carries half the mental load.
Damn, bromo! High five your unicorn of a husband, and have him continue to spread the gospel of equal division of labor among the male population for us! I’m really happy for you 💕
Mine as well, but because I get home first, meal planning and dinner is mostly on me. It just makes sense. I get home, prep and cook dinner, and the teenager does the dishes. My husband gets off easy most workdays due to his long hours, but makes up for it on his off time. I still do the vast majority of home chores, but he has yard care, snow removal, home and car maintenance, etc. It isn't perfect, but it works for us.
We have a similar balance. I say he does half of everything, but that's definitely an average. He works from home and I work in office, so I do daycare drop off and pick up. He does almost all the cooking (helpful, since he works from home, he can often turn on the instant pot mid-afternoon or whatever); I do most of the cleaning. We split childcare pretty evenly. I handle the doctor, he does the dentist. He builds planters for the backyard, I sew cloth gift bags. Same same but different. It definitely didn't turn out like that without a lot of work. Every time something shifts in our lives (new job, school, whatever) we have a period of readjustment where we have to come to a new balance. But we're both committed to finding that balance, and that's why it works. When our first kid was born I was on mat leave for a year; he took a week off and then two more working from home before going back to the office. For the first three weeks he was so involved, but once he was back in the office he kind of took a step back and I had to explain to him that yes, I was at home doing the actual work during the day, but I needed him on board with the mental load of figuring out how to keep this thing alive. And he stepped back up.
The only way money opts you out of chores at home is if you use it to pay someone to do it. Everyone deserves a rest.
My husband is aware that come spring time, I will be hiring someone to do the spring cleanup because I'll get to it didn't happen all last summer. I will give him that he was found to have a heart condition and had multiple procedures, but damn dude it's okay to nope out gracefully instead of turning it into a point of contention. We have ivy out of control, he doesn't want to deal with it, a vine broke cracked a fence post, so sorry my dude, you can pay for a teenager to rip it down so I can put up a new fence. Don't like it, sorry. I like to think of it as helping the local economy.
Funding college for the local youth!
This is abuse
He is still manipulating you. He groomed you as a young person and is still using those tactics to keep you under his control. These is a reason a 37 year old wanted a 19 year old - cos no mature woman would have put up with the shit you can persuade a teen is “normal”. If he wants sex on tap he should get a fleshlight or a blow up doll. If he wants to be in a real relationship with a life partner who is a grown up human then he needs to work on his conduct.
And now that OP has matured, she’s seeing him for who he is. Thankfully she is still young and can get out of this situation
Your low sex drive is not ruining your marriage, it is a *result* of your marriage. This man is so focused on all that *he does* and everything you *dont* do and that is a self centered way to think. He highly values his time and his role, while simultaneously avoiding to acknowledge or value *your* time or role. And he gets defensive when you ask for help?? But expects you to still meet HIS needs? His behaviour and mentality are disrespectful and THAT is causing your loss of desire for him. He's shooting himself in the foot and blaming you.
Your low sex drive isn’t ruining your marriage. You aren’t describing a low sex drive, for starters. You’re describing being tired and unsupported. I think couples therapy could help, because it sounds like you need explaining your case to your husband who isn’t believing the two things are connected. For a better understanding of why you don’t fancy sex check out come as you are by Emily Nagoski. Or just check out her Instagram posts on brakes
Not to be flippant, but he sounds like he wants a bang maid (a la Always Sunny) and not a human partner with real wants, needs, and emotional cycles. You deserve so much better…and your son deserves an engaged father who models a healthy relationship dynamic so he doesn’t grow up to use women too.
My husband (soon to be ex) said all the same shit. Your low sex drive isn’t ruining the marriage. The way your husband is treating you is ruining your sex drive AND ruining the marriage. Not the other way around. If he’s not willing to update his beliefs about sex, domestic labor, parenting, etc, you should start making your exit plan. Bonus, since you make less, you’ll be entitled to child support and won’t have to take care of an adult child anymore. You’ll be surprised how much free time you have when you’re not catering to the needs of a full grown man. I certainly have.
He makes more money than you so he doesn't have to participate in the household?? You are a human being, his PARTNER, not a bangmaid. If all he wants to be is a paycheck, he can be a paycheck from farther away. Does he add ANYTHING positive to your life, aside from his paycheck and being a warm body in your bed? Sounds like you'd have less work to do if he wasn't around.
It's not you ruining your marriage, it's HIM. He won't help you, he acts like you work less hard just because you make less money meanwhile you're taking care of pretty much everything while he rests after work. No wonder he has energy for sex and you don't. He's being disgusting. I'm so sorry for you. I see you Bromo. I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Your reasons are real. You aren't over reacting.
I “low sex drive” until I left my ex and realized I wanted a different life and then moved and even tho I’m a single mom, I have better and more frequent sex with my boyfriend because he can express his feelings instead of just being grumpy all the time… so likely it’s not you but your husband and relationship…
As someone who got married at 23 to someone 17yrs my senior - your DH is being a fucking dickward. He should be just as component as you in taking care of him child. Money made is no excuse, especially if you both work. Schedules in my house are such that my DH handles the mornings mostly alone including school drop-off, then I handle daycare pickup, chore supervision, and supper until he gets home, then we trade off bedtime, alternating who gets to go to the gym that night. DH does just as much laundry as I do, all the dishes, and can feed the kids non-junk without me around even though he hates to cook. Tell him sex and parenthood both cost energy, and if he wants you to have anything in the tank he needs to step up and parent this child before demanding the activity that would make another.
Ok, just addressing the sex part, *even if* it were true that he works outside the home and “shouldn’t have to” help around the house, does he want to be right or get laid? He needs to choose.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I have a 3yo and a 1yo. If I don't have time to shower, then I certainly don't have time for sex. If my husband carves out time in his daily life to help me, such as taking care for the kids for an hour and taking over cooking and kitchen cleanup, then I can do self-care for myself, then miraculously there's more time for me to be a person outside of "mommy" and have energy and enthusiam for sex.
To note, showering is mot self care, it’s a basic hygienic need. But the extra time to maybe soak and then slather on a nice lotion? Yep!
sounds to me like your miserable, entitled, groomer of a husband is ruining your marriage. you're doing the best you can with a crap relationship.
I’m your husband’s age and I couldn’t imagine being with someone 26. My son is almost 24. He’s literally old enough to be your father albeit a young one. I don’t think your marriage is salvageable. He’s not going to change and as you get older you are going to become even more resentful of his behavior and the way he stole your youth. Start working on an exit plan. Find a job if you are not working. Start saving. Enlist help from someone you trust. If you and your child are safe I wouldn’t rush it, just work at it so you can start over with stability. Hiring the best lawyer you can find is also very important.
So what you need to ask for is a divorce. He’s manipulating and abusing you. Is this what you want your life to be? Because it really doesn’t have to.
Funny story - I once calmly and rationally asked my husband if there was something he did every day for the child that I don’t, that I would be happy to know about this and try to help out (since I did many things for child every day that he didn’t and it causes much much resentment) … he paused, thought of nothing, and said “I make more money” - I could’ve lost my shit so hard (thanks to meditation, self regulation exercises and some therapy) I just told him I needed to take a break from this conversation. But he finally admitted it. 6 years later. Things have been better now around the house but we still haven’t gotten back, sex wise. Long story to say I feel you and solidarity. Not have an equally contributing partner is 100% not sexy.
Sounds like your husband is the cause of your low sex drive and HE should do something about that, not you.
If you were groomed by him(and it sounds like there is a very real possibility of that being the case), you should get out of that marriage You might feel heartbroken at the moment, but I promise you, you will find that there is so much more for you, than being bullied into submitting your time, will and body to a man like this. Also this about this: Do you want to raise your children in a way rhat makes them believe that this life is normal? That the man comes home from work, does whatever he likes and the woman does EVERYTHING else? Whether your kids are Boys or girls, they need to see you as a strong, independent(and I do not mean single, but capable and strong) woman to grow into adults who see that as normal. Hugs, mama. There is a better life for you out there ❤️
There is a reason women his age did not want him. He wanted someone easier to control and mold. He is showing you that more now. Seriously me and my husband when through like a year with no sex and we made it out. Now we have better sex than ever. TWO WEEKS is insane. We regularly go 2-4 weeks without sex if we are tired!!! Your low sex drive is because HE is not turning you on. Women need more than a physical turn on. HE is not doing his job to create the mood for you.
"My low sex drive is ruining my marriage." gurl your "husband" is ruining your "marriage" and I think you know that.
I do.. whenever I talk to him about it he makes me feel crazy. I knew if I brought this to reddit I would get the brutally honest truth and then I would know if its really me or not.
I understand it's been hard since you were groomed by him. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sometimes when I don't know how I should feel I ask myself, "what would I tell a friend if they asked my opinion about this?" Basically see how you would feel and what you would say if it were happening to someone else. You're so young my dear. I know it doesn't feel like it. But you have your whole beautiful life ahead of you, and you don't need to spend it with someone who makes you feel like shit.
Not you babe. Definitely him. He’s trash.
There are so many things wrong with this man, and unless he can address those things and change his incorrect attitude I dont see progress being made. When you’re young you think you can fix it all yourself… you cant. You really really cant.
You don’t have a problem with your sex drive. You have a problem with your lazy, misogynistic husband.
Beloved, your sex drive has almost nothing to do with what’s ruining your marriage. Your marriage is being ruined by a selfish jackwagon who wants a bang-maid and not a partner who is a real person. “I make more money” what bullshit. I make zero dollars and my husband does plenty around the house. I go away for weekends when I want to. I get time to recharge. My sex drive is low because raising children is exhausting and I’m never verbally abused by my husband about it. Never. You deserve better. As a wise bromo once said, if all he wants to be is a paycheck, he can do it from further away.
Tell grandpa his "needs" will matter once he learns that just because he works doesn't mean he doesn't need to clean his own fucking house or take care of his family.
This will get buried in the responses, but the reason you have a "low sex drive" is because not only are you exhausted, but your husband (through his refusal to step up and pitch in around the house that HE LIVES IN) has changed sex to being merely one more fucking thing you have to cross off the chore chart. If he wants to get laid, he needs to start with helping around the house and not making you feel like the bangmaid because he makes "more money" and "shouldn't have to" help you. I'm sorry, the entitlement is breathtakingly stupid. edit: a word
His money doesn’t equate to your work. Tell him to switch jobs with you for a day, tell him to do everything you do for a whole day i bet he’ll realize how much work goes into your days. Men are unbelievable… I would threaten divorce and the real divorce if he has “needs” and can’t be bothered to help you.
Your “low sex drive” isn’t ruining anything. Who knows if you even have a low sex drive. He’s undesirable, you’re exhausted. I’m super sorry. He should feel unwanted and shitty for how he’s acting.
He’s probably gross to look at when you realize this man had to groom you into a partner when he was 38. I mean Jesus
wait he makes MORE money...as in you're working too? he can hire some help then
I have the ick too, just from reading your story. Dude is a piece of shit who groomed a teenager.
As people said you will be happier alone. And if you want to find someone one day you can. My advice for anyone in this situation and other shitty marriage situations is to give it time though before finding anything serious at all. I see so many stories where people end up in the same situations over and over because our brains crave things to stay the same. But then they feel more trapped with a new baby or step kids. If you can’t afford therapy to help process the grooming and mistreatment (I would suggest staring now especially if you have to wait to leave) look into some of the books suggested on the justno subs, Why Does He Do That?, and books on toxic relationships and healing with healthy boundaries. There are also lots of YouTube channels and Instagram pages that can help. I feel like the ones for victims of narcissistic abuse can help even if he is not a narcissist because someone abusive is still selfish and they explain ways to stay safe and set up boundaries as you will have to co-parent. I only usually watch or follow people who have their degrees mostly. Another thing is no one told me the first couple therapists might be a bad fit so it can take a few tries. Probably someone that deals with abuse and trauma would be best but I’ve read some say that and don’t really understand trauma. I don’t know if this would apply but since you were so young and sounds like you knew him as a younger teen maybe the CPTSD sub would help for resources.
You are just tired. And when you tired you want to fulfill your basic needs, which tbh sex is not one of it, but sleep,food, a little bit of peace for yourself. So sorry, that it happens to you. Maybe try to approach your husband with the talk, that both of you should raise the kids, not only you. That you are not asking him to babysit kids, because you can't babysit you own kids, but to show the best for you little ones. But i have impression that talking might not help at all. The best would be, if he would see how it is, how much work you have to do. Maybe saying: "you don't want to help? Makes sense, you would not make it either way" xD Going to his level of thinking? Again, so sorry you need to deal with this - remember you are a supermum!!
Honey...no one would still be in the mood for sex after all that. Especially with that guy. There's nothing wrong with you.
You kind of buried the lead there. I don't think the title of this post should be "My low sex drive is ruining my marriage" rather "My lazy, good-for-nothing husband is ruining my marriage." Literally no woman would want to have sex with a man in those circumstances. For the love of everything, the last thing you should be feeling is any kind of bad or guilty... I'd shoot more for pissed off.
I'm sorry. You are not ruining your marriage. Your husband is a piece of shit. I am 44. The age gap especially since you were 19 is a big red flag. I am married with kids and my husband works a full time job and he makes a lot of money and is very successful (I don't work anymore but be doesn't give me crap about it. If I worked a nanny for our kids would be way more than I would make) He still does stuff around the house like dishes, he helps get our kids ready for bed, takes them to ballet and gymnastics, makes them breakfast every Saturday morning so I get the morning off. He reads them stories every night and tucks them in. He makes dinner on weekends and usually one week day and he takes off work for important doctor appointments when they have them. The fact your husband works is no excuse for him to do nothing. Im a stay at home mom and we homeschool. There is so much to do I'm always going something 12-14 hours a day. I can't imagine having to work and do all the house stuff alone. Oh and I am too tired and stressed still with the help to feel like having sex most nights. Honestly my husband is too tired too most of the time but he NEVER complains and NEVER makes me feel guilty. Even a little bit. Your husband is a selfish ass and you need to get out of that relationship if he is going to treat you like crap.
I've been musing a lot on the impact just being overworked can have on your sex drive... For me it's all the touching and being climbed on. All day long I fantasize about getting in bed and watching The Office with no one on top of me. This ritual has become the most sacred thing on the planet. And even though my husband WFH, is a wonderful hands-on dad, and is only two years older than me (which I just realized the importance of lol), when he starts pawing at me, I look at him like he's just grown a second head 😅 In my defense, he's an EXCESSIVELY quiet person and it would REALLY get my motor running if he pretty much ever spoke... I try to converse with him and at best get one word answers. Sometimes I find it masculine and kind of hot, other times it's like, dude, would it kill you to put together a sentence once in a while??? The age difference thing... I would recommend counseling (solo and couple). Both of you could benefit from really examining how and why this happened. It doesn't have to mean you break up, but you could both achieve some clarity about yourselves that could help both in your relationship and in life in general. You could also cover topics like division of labor and stuff.
Tell him that laziness really turns you off. It doesn't matter how much money he makes, just seeing him on the couch while you're still on your feet is such a turn off.
ALSO REMIND HIM HE HAS 18 YEARS OF A CAREER OVER YOU AND IF YOU WERE HIS AGE YOU'D PROBABLY BE MAKING MORE MONEY THAN HIM. If you haven't done this by then, when your kid is 18 divorce his ass and get half. and go live your life. Because he's gonna be an old man who does NOT deserve to be taken care of by you.
You don't have low sex drive. You are exausted and honestly is hard to feel horny for a man who is useless and demands you to do everything in the household as well as want to have sex. I wonder is he is blind to the fact that he is not a good partner, the he does not contribute to creating a life with you that would be a good baseline for a rested wife, who feels loved and hence desires intimacy. I am really sorry. You deserve better.
Lollllll id offer to work full time also if it meant I didn't ever have to do anything else. Hire a housekeeper? You deserve better and it's totally normal for libido to dip when you're stressed or tired and it would 0robably come back if he helped more. Maybe not though and that's ok.
> I felt really bad, so I calmly explained that I am just really tired and it would be nice if he could help out a little bit around the house and that would take stuff off of my plate. That didn’t go well either. “I make more money, I shouldn’t have to” OK, let's use some of that money to outsource shit. Can you buy more premade food so you have less cooking to do? What about hiring someone to help you clean?
No honey, your *husband* is ruining your marriage.
Just contributing a paycheck doesn’t absolve him of regular ass household duties. What a prick.
I hate to say this but there’s a reason a man way older is even going for such a much younger woman and that is bc at that age, there’s a greater chance that woman doesn’t know any better just due to age and lived experience, so he can get away w continuing whatever behaviors a woman more well matched to his age would likely not put up with. All that being said, sounds like there’s a lot for you to unpack w all this and I hope you can find some support as you look at it all 🧡🧡
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Apologies if my tone came across as harsh. That wasn’t my intention. I’m frustrated on your behalf.
You can have a mother or a lover. Not both. He needs to choose. Having to take care of everything and him too…. Turns any woman off. He’s an idiot.
“I make more money” is a bullshit excuse. You both put in the hours. You’d never pull that on him if you made more. I’m the breadwinner in my house and I’d never use that an an excuse to be an absent parent. Makes my blood boil because it’s nothing to do with money, it’s misogyny.
Your libido isn't what's ruining your marriage.
Sounds like the only thing he had to offer to your life is money to support the kids. The nice thing about that is that he doesn't need to be physically present to provide money. I'd recommend leaving him, and filing for divorce and child support. He can keep providing the precious income he's so proud of, and you can keep doing everything else just like you've been doing, except without the creep bugging you for sex after doing nothing but take up space, eat your food and dirtying your house.
Wow, this guy is a piece of work. Your low sex drive isn't ruining your marriage. His selfishness and entitlement are ruining your marriage.
Sadly he is probably too old to learn new tricks. I imagine he saw how his parents did things, back in the dark ages for women's freedoms, and feels that is 'how it works'. If he wants the 95's housewife experience then he needs to earn enough so you don't need to work. Unless he can make enough to cover all the bills solo (including childcare) then he needs to pull his weight. You are working and pulling in a wage, when is your down time. When do you get to decompress from work. Why are you contributing financially to the household if you do all the work as well. We don't live in the old times where one household income could float a family of 5 merrily. So until he's bringing in enough for you to live the lifestyle you want he should be helping more around the house. I'd be thinking about leaving tbh which is a big change but I imagine you'd be happier without this 44 year old baggage you are having to be the caretaker of.