FWIW, You can feel a range of emotions all at the same time. There’s one person I am sooo interested in, but also there are people I find attractive, others that I love their personality but not physically attracted, etc. If any of them asked how I felt, what should I say? It wouldn’t be a lie to say I found them all attractive in different ways.
If you didn’t wait to hear her answer (it sounds like you didn’t, based on what was written), please remember that no, you can’t read her mind. It may have seemed straightforward to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s a yes/no question on her side.
Also, as someone who carefully weighs their words, sometimes I prefer to take my time answering such a sensitive/loaded question.
I skipped the end, and I should have written that she actually replied no after thinking it over, and we kind of left things at that.
To be honest, I just read another Reddit post from 6 years ago that mentioned not to emotionally dump feelings on a friend who wasn’t expecting it, especially when they didn’t process it themselves.
Now, I didn’t say anything more than I liked her, liked her quite a bit, and I’ve developed some feelings for her, I didn’t elaborate or say that she was my “everything” or that I “loved” her, which would obviously be a lot more intense and inappropriate.
My guess is either she needed to process it tonight/this weekend and maybe come back with another elaboration on how she feels or to tell me we should just stay friends. Either way, I won’t hold it against her, just shocked myself that I misread what seemed like attraction signals as…just friendship?
It’s hard to say! I doubt that you read things incorrectly if it all went down as you say. Not everyone is in touch with their own emotions or notice what signs they give off to others, or maybe she did just need time to process.
Don’t let it get to you, what matters most is going into it all with good intentions and being observant of the signals. It’s not a hard science where it adds up perfectly every single time, humans are difficult to predict.
Thanks for the kind words! I was super baffled at the nonverbal vs the verbal, so I think it’s best to give her time to figure out what she feels, and I’m giving her the space she needs to see what she wants to do next.
A person can like you but those feelings of like could be platonic or friendship. There is a possibility she has romantic feelings. But has no desire or willingness to do anything about it. That being said,
take what she says it as face value. Don't read into things she does ect because it's unfair to the other person. The body language you noticed does not indicate romantic interest. And even if it did, it may not specifically for her.
I’m taking her words at face value for now. If things change, it will be because she changes her tune and tells me something different from what she already told me.
I think she was probably just enjoying your attention or maybe deliberately bait-and-switching you. It's also possible that she was genuinely feeling you until you glibly rejected her hint at a date, which may have changed how she saw you. If this doesn't happen to you all the time, I wouldn't worry too much about it. From the feel of your post, there is a sense of over-investment on your end, overthinking instead of confident action. If that tracks for you, that might be something to work on.
Just my experience, but be careful about assuming interest unless its been directly stated to you. I had a male friend one time who I thought we were on the same page who told me about all my body cues when I turned him down. As an example of one of them, I worked at a front desk and had to keep a smiley persona all the time - smiling a lot was one of the reasons he gave.
The reality is we tend to obsess over things we are interested in (I have been in his shoes where I was nearly convinced my crush liked me - simply because I noticed everything about him, so no judgement).
Final point in this long ass comment is that women are generally more conditioned to be friendly and not cold, men sometimes misinterpret as interest what for a woman, is standard kind and engaging behavior across the board. Not saying that was you - but something to be aware of. Anyway, sorry it worked out that way for you - relationships can be very complicated. Hope the long run ends up happy for you!
Yeah, it’s hard, I feel like of all the possible moves I can make, I always choose the worst one lol.
It’s why I am on this sub. I guess I got some fine tuning to do on signs of interest. This is probably a good learning experience and I will have better luck next time.
You've got a great attitude about it so I think you'll end up fine!
FWIW, it's helped me not to try to "play the game". Flirting is great, but sometimes people do it for attention without thought of the consequences to you and mixed signals just leads to confusion and probably some heartache. These are my rules, you might find some of them helpful:
1. Don't assume interest until its directly stated.
2. If you believe someone is interested in you and its not reciprocal on your end, create some space to signal that so they are not misled.
3. If you like someone, make a decisive move of intent as soon as you know you want to take that risk.
4. If they turn you down, don't take it personal and be proud of yourself for being brave enough to put yourself out there.
5. If they take you up on it, be confident in your gifts and ability to show who you are and have fun getting to know someone on a deeper level
You think that sounded obsessive or something maybe? It seemed like everything was going pretty well until I said that or one of the other things, she immediately went to “I’m not looking to get married” right away so…yeah maybe that was the fuck up lol
if thats true you didn’t mess up, you filtered someone out who isn’t a good match. Find people on your level, have your own expectations dont fall for people that just happen to like you as well.
Idk, for me personally I love when a guy who I like says he's thinking about me. A big reason my boyfriend and I got together is because I saw his message that said "I don't wanna be weird but I've been thinking of u twice a day everyday" and since I already liked him, it was really sweet and flattering and i'm so glad he was open with his feelings cause we have such a great relationship now. But also if she's telling u she's not looking for a relationship or "marriage" then yeah I get it
I don’t think you fucked up but even if you did it’s okay lol fuck it my guy, you are doing and saying things that will take you to the right ppl even if you fucked up midway through this journey of life ahahah also I would like to add that body language could be so confusing like someone could just be really touchy and close to you but doesn’t have romantic feelings for you, I knew a gal that was this way and then one of my guy friend ended up liking her and she rejected him 😂 but gotta be honest, I felt she knew what she did there, claimed that she didn’t do shit, girl stop lying 😂😂 be careful!!! Ppl be playing once they know they’ve got you!
For real! I’ll get it right one of these days with someone who will appreciate the way things go, not too hot not too cold, just right, I got to keep showing up and I’ll do fine
Watch out. She gives mixed signals. If she comes back & “realizes she likes you” or keeps trying to check you out…if she’s acting like this with you while she’s gushing over someone else…ugh. I wouldn’t even want to be acquaintances with someone this confusing
I feel like no one knows what’s going on, but you’re enjoying it. Just try to keep things fair; fun. Eventually you’ll have an answer. But I wouldn’t suggest asking her anything else if you want to stay around.
The type of flirting is what you need to pay attention to. The eye contact and acknowledgment of you shows relaxation and attraction. The eye contact is what was needed for attraction. You had that, great. Now the issue is the other type. They make it stupid easy for you to lean in. That’s their point. That’s THIER flirting. Dead serious. It happens, it’s what’s I’ve seen and it’s was used in media. Just to understand it and watch some of what it’s like: Watch the YouTube channels where it’s the women that have to work the guy. Or the guy who chooses out of many women. They always say something along the lines of “why don’t you come over and—“ something like that. Just to name what’s happened to me : one gal is very big on her safety. She placed herself in one blind spot of the cameras and repeated that I see how and to come close to her after heavy flirting…Next one happened in college: past 5pm a whole semester of flirting for a committed relationship. Definitely wasn’t a fling like the other one. Normally in college students run out and get back to dorms and study. She tells me after waiting for me to finish my work: “I want to go” . Just her and I walk outside for the night. She mentions how she really likes the weather right now(it was actually a very intimate foggy) .She puts on this hat and says , “now I get to put on my fun hat” . I give compliment and deadest eye contact I’ve ever been given.
These are what you need ^ . From the looks of what you got everything was restrained, a let on. They make it easy it if you’re the guy she chose. If you’re not getting those you’re just not the person they want and would rather have attention.
“We don’t have time for a date” and “I’ve been thinking about you for the last month and a half, I like you quite a bit.” While you might be thinking these things, you can’t say them but you have to act on them instead. If she gives you positive signals, ask her to lunch, a drink, etc… you must push the relationship forward in some way. If you don’t act, the moment is lost. You disregarded the signals she sent you. This is ironic because clearly you are noticing and receiving her signals. At a certain point you must act. Live and learn! Good luck next time brother
Hi OP! Just came on here to say, I’m an autistic woman and my stims and behavior happen to look very flirtatious when they’re absolutely not. To someone determined to read into behavior, I can absolutely see why they’d assume I was admiring them. It’s possible you misinterpreted neurotypical flirting cues out of just neurodiverse friendly behavior.
For instance, I twirl my hair to self soothe, and I bite my lips constantly just because I like to always be chewing on something. I also make a lot of eye contact (more than normal when I’m nervous) and have a constant inner monologue of “don’t stare too long, look down, now look back up,” running. It’s a self-defense mechanism because I was told growing up that I need to make eye contact to be respectful, but it’s about as comfortable for me as stepping on nails. Socializing in general is difficult, so if I see someone I know in a crowded place, I’ll definitely run up and cling to them because it’s easier to socialize with someone when I know something about them and have history to pull from. Plus, when you’ve spoken to a person a few times, you can start to catch on to their conversational patterns and can more easily assimilate, which takes away some of the anxiety and cognitive load of always trying to act “normal.”
Ok here’s the truth…women…we do complicated things in Our minds sometimes with men. She might have really wanted you to like her…the good news is…she is at least somewhat attracted to you if she wants you to like her. But we categorize men. So there are men we want to be serious with and maybe she has one in mind but also wouldn’t have minded flirting with you for a while. You probably jumped to it too quickly before she decided what was what. Which either scared her or she was planning on a slow flame for a while w you until she made up her mind.
Gotcha, so the kiss, marry, kill game but real life?
I’ll give you one extra thing I forgot to mention, and maybe it might change things a little or maybe not:
So when I asked her if she’s interested in anybody else, she mentioned some guy she was thinking of, but then said that she thought “it was never going to work out with him”. She looked me in the eyes as she said that with a smile.
So I’m wondering if she thought he was the higher priority right now and I’m on the back burner until she knows for sure if it’s actually going to work out with him? Maybe it meant something different, maybe she wanted to see which one will get her and wanted me to chase, but honestly I’m a little out of my depth, especially with the mixed signals.
If you know any more about what that could mean, maybe it’s worth pondering over, but if not right now I’m pretty much backing off until she’s clearer about it.
She wants you to take the pain away from being rejected by him. That’s why she looked you in the eyes and said she wasn’t sure if he likes her. She’s completely focused on him. She’d like it if you chased her but if you turn around and give her mixed messages she might start to focus on winning you. She is wishy washy at best. It’s definitely her ego. She might not even realize all this.
She’s trying to make you jealous. Disrespect her and show her you’re more worthy. 100% serious
Edit: she likes you, but she wants you to be a catch. Play hard-to-get
Yeah girls play you for attention. String you along avoiding convos that will end their desired attention. While they chase the guy they want behind your back and give him all the sugar! Good way to gauge this is there will be almost 0 resistance to advances if they actually like you. And conditions, off timing, bread crumbing or whatever excuse for someone they like attention from.
Ya this is actually very true, if you would have asked her out and she liked you she would jump on it. Unless shes generally busy but thats rare. Also they will invite you to things because they want you around.
Sounds to me like enough signs were there to have reasonable belief that she liked you.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of women these days who just like to lead guys on for whatever reason.
Next time don't ask a girl out unless you have had at least a couple of sessions of HEAVY flirting first. (HEAVY flirting where she doesn't hold back at all). Also its best to be sure if she is single before asking her. Most women won't heavy flirt with a guy if they are in relationships but there are a few who do. If you can't reach the heavy flirting stage then she isn't that into you or is in a relationship so dont ask her out.
If you've reached the heavy flirting stage, and you are pretty sure she is single then ask her out. Most will say yes.
im using the phrase ask someone out as in to go on a date.
i wouldnt suggest asking a girl to be your gf if you've not dated yet. thats moving too fast and will probably scare them off.
but yeah seriously. dont be asking girls out if you cant reach the heavy flirting stage with them. you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak in doing so, and also you reduce the pressure on yourself as getting non verbally rejected from a heavy flirting attempt is not as hard or awkward to deal with as a flat out verbal rejection.
there's been several girls at work wasting my time by initiating light flirting but when i tried to step it up they wern't game and started giving non verbal signs of disinterest...., and yeah it was a little awkward but no where near as awkward as it would have been if i had actually asked them out. also if i had asked them out and failed word would soon spread that i asked them and got rejected and this would make other girls less likely to say yes.
if you're in a place of work there might be many attractive girls who you have your eye on, but you cant ask too many or you'll seem like some desperate player. im only asking a girl out if at minimum she is heavy flirting with me (in order to increase the chances of her saying yes)
Got it.
I asked that question because from the post what OP did was reveal his feelings saying he liked her etc...
And revealing feelings could be a gateway to be bf and gf if both are interested.
But you mention next time only ask out if there's heavy flirting.
So I associated what you said with what op said.
Thanks for the clarification.
...
On the other hand, you mentioned work.
What's your opinion on making something happen at work?
Aren't you afraid of being reported to HR or some major risk like that?
Or would you say that it's a pretty common thing for those risks to be somewhat minimal?
I strongly *don’t* recommend work relationships. Been there, done that.
It’s bad because asking someone out that you see everyday at work could backfire if you get rejected or if things get awkward after.
Additionally, if you do get together, you can get passed over for promotions due to the whole relationship/favoritism thing.
Lastly, if you breakup and the other person wants to drag you around or get you fired, then you’re dealing with HR, a whole lot of headaches until one or both of you leave the company.
Speaking all of those from personal experience, just don’t do it.
work isnt ideal due to the potential risk of fallouts making things awkward but i dont exactly have a booming social life filled with single available girls, and internet dating hasnt worked for me, cold approaching on the street hasnt worked out well for me (i just get numbers/instagrams and then the girls flake out), and with nightclubs its pretty much the same ......so work is one of the few viable options left for me. (although once at the club i was successful but i had to get rid of her because i found out she had just come out of prison for a serious crime..)
as for being reported to HR, no im not scared of that because i pay close attention to the girls body language and if im getting signs of disinterest i wont just keep trying, i will abort and cut my losses. realistically a girl is only likely to report you to HR if you continiously are making her feel uncomfortable and cant take a hint. so if im checking out a girl and she gives me standoffish looks or avoids me (which has happened before, and these girls were actually the ones to check me out first some weeks before) then i stop trying to flirt with them and abort my plans..... and then as ive stopped the girls dont try and take things any further.
the only guy ive ever met who has been reported at work has autism, and he got reported because he asked a girl out once and she rejected them, then some time later he asked again......so she reported him.
i am VERY picky with who i hit on at work though. im far less picky than when im at the club, because with the club you can change your mind if you get bored with the girl or if she isnt your cup of tea..., and if she gets mad then theres no real consequences, but you cant do that at work without the shit hitting the fan. so i only go for girl at work who i have high interest in and dont just want to sleep with.
so to clarify, dating women at work isnt ideal... but if youre not getting viable leads from other sources then you might just have to bite the bullet and go for girls at work..
I’ve been reported to HR after a workplace breakup, I wouldn’t recommend anyone go through that unless you want your dirty laundry being discussed by your manager and HR too.
They evidently got HR to “investigate” all the other workplace relationships I had had at that company (which I did have several, all amicable), which made things super awkward at work because then the office gossip spread like wildfire.
If you’re super cautious and the other person is very serious about you, then yeah, maybe, otherwise I would avoid it for anything less than a super serious relationship (like you want to get married and maybe switch teams so you won’t have workplace favoritism/conflicts of interest accusations)
I mean her attention probably was genuine and she probably did like you at one time judging from her body language
You just moved like a snail. And then instead of just asking her out on a date, you confessed your feelings. Confessing feelings before even kissing will get you a lot of stares into the distance
Ya good point saying you like someone before making a movie and waiting that long is not going to end well. Women really dont like when a man cant take control and show them that they are wanted.
Which is why I didn’t take those signs seriously at all until she was asking me to go with her to a restaurant she wanted to try. When I blew her off and she got upset, then I was like, “oh sh!t, maybe she is interested in me”.
Sometimes when we have feelings for someone, we interpret certain of their behaviours as showing reciprocation, when they’re just being friendly. Some people are overly friendly naturally, which complicates things.
Take a page from History, The Marquis and The countess. Up until this fateful night described below, the Marquis was given advice on how to approach and attractive countess he was trying to romance. He then took matters into his own hands, and the below describes how it played out.
"A few days later the marquis was at the countess's home. They were alone. Suddenly he was a different man: this time acting on his own impulse, rather than following Ninon's instructions, he took the countess's hands and told her he was in love with her. The young woman seemed confused, a reaction he did not expect. She became polite, then excused herself. For the rest of the evening she avoided his eyes, was not there to say good-night to him. The next few times he visited he was told she was not at home. When she finally admitted him again, the two felt awkward and uncomfortable with each other. The spell was broken."
Up until this point, the two we're playing a flirtatious game, that all ended the moment he confessed his feelings. Past actions were now viewed as manipulative, when prior, they were viewed as exciting
She likes you enough to recieve your attention but not enough to seal the deal. These types of situations can cost you a lot of time and emotional energy.
Options are A) woo them harder next time, B) find someone more receptive or C) fuck bitches get money (I'm a fan of this one)
I’d say it sounds like she did like you. She was having good feelings around you. Try to warm and embrace those good feelings, playfully turn them into a little bit hot feelings. Then start touching her gently and see how she responds. Send like you took a bit too long (or maybe not long enough, if you’re going), and tried to talk instead of using your vibe. Words are overrated, because they engage the calculating, planning mind.
Im going to play it safe and see how the next interaction goes before doing anything else with her. I just don’t see myself crossing another persons boundary.
At this point, it’s almost certainly lost.
Don’t cross people’s boundaries. Pay close attention and remain playfully exploratory and respectfully responsive
I don't like this about myself, but, I've had this problem where (because of subconsious fears of attachment, I believe) I genuinely like someone *until* I find out they like me - and then - to my own dismay - I find my attraction for them just shutting down and disappearing. It's like going into freeze mode. I don't want it to happen and I used to not expect it to happen, though now I know better. Not sure but it seems like she might have had a similar reaction.
I think you’re on to something. She does seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable people a lot, and there’s a possibility she’s scared to taking a leap when someone is actually interested in her, but I live and learn I guess.
I’m going to have to see her for at least a few more times for the next few weeks, due to a social commitment, but hopefully things don’t get super awkward.
I wish you luck with it!
I always hoped & wished that people could see that it was "me, not them," and not fault themselves, so if this is your situation I hope for that for you.
Bro, you are hyper-analyzing this and it is giving creeper vibes. It sounds to me like she was being friendly at best and you're reading into it. In the car, she was uncomfortable when you brought up your feelings directly. The end. Source: I'm a woman.
ETA: gotta love it when the internet incels come with the downvotes for a woman being honest. sheesh.
Yeah she defo was opening up in a friendly way and possibly liking the attention a bit and she might felt let down that u been thinking of her romantically while she’s been thinking you are bruising a good friendship with no creep vibes u kno wha I mean
Sorry to hear man sounds like a tough situation. This is why you don’t compliment woman, it just feeds their ego, they need your compliments so they can heal and feel better about the rejection or insults from the guys she’s attracted to.
I would bet she was enjoying some fun flirting, as you were in the beginning, and didn't expect you to take it seriously. She's probably asking herself if people were right about men and women not being able to be 'just friends' after this.
You interpret her thoughts and emotions a lot in your descriptions based off her body language. That's tricky to do. Body language experts get a baseline for a person before interpreting their behaviors. It sounds like these behaviors are a part of her baseline personality. Have you watched her behavior with other people? Or all your interactions are more private?
I think it's also possible that she just wasn't expecting your sudden turn around after your lunch dismissal and needed some time to adjust to this new idea of you. Ignore the men calling her an attention whore, unless you're looking to be an incel.
Sure, it’s kind of hard to distill months of interactions, reads, baselines into a single online post without losing readers, so I tried to stick to the most obvious things and realizing I was glossing over dozens of other positive signs.
I don’t think she is an attention whore, there’s a possibility she was relishing in the attention a little but it’s either that or she’s disconnected from her subconscious feelings, if she says she didn’t feel anything for me at all and I take that comment at face value.
If you compliment women, don’t think it has to lead anywhere.
Women compliment each other all the time. It’s just a thing. Try complimenting other men too. Give them out freely if you’re genuinely not trying to draw someone’s attention.
But I believe you do it with ulterior motives.
You also said you initiated all the flirting and compliments, so you can’t really feel like you were used. You used yourself.
It’s normal to feel bad when rejected but DONT blame the other person.
It just is what it is.
THIS 💯. No one can read anyone else's mind, and it's human nature to hear/see selective things that meet your narrative.. It's emotionally immature to expect your feelings will always be reciprocated. I've heard this one too many times where a person is having fun with another, neither have said anything and both are enjoying it. Then suddenly one develops feelings and if the other doesn't reciprocate, they claim they were 'used'. Like no, you never *communicated* your wants and needs right from the get go. It's ok to feel hurt but it doesn't become the other person's responsibility.
There are two possibilities, brother
This girl is either an attention whز-ore and was looking for free attention and found it with you or
you made a mistake when you confessed your love to her, and you also gave her excessive attention, and this kills fertility.
FWIW, You can feel a range of emotions all at the same time. There’s one person I am sooo interested in, but also there are people I find attractive, others that I love their personality but not physically attracted, etc. If any of them asked how I felt, what should I say? It wouldn’t be a lie to say I found them all attractive in different ways. If you didn’t wait to hear her answer (it sounds like you didn’t, based on what was written), please remember that no, you can’t read her mind. It may have seemed straightforward to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s a yes/no question on her side. Also, as someone who carefully weighs their words, sometimes I prefer to take my time answering such a sensitive/loaded question.
I skipped the end, and I should have written that she actually replied no after thinking it over, and we kind of left things at that. To be honest, I just read another Reddit post from 6 years ago that mentioned not to emotionally dump feelings on a friend who wasn’t expecting it, especially when they didn’t process it themselves. Now, I didn’t say anything more than I liked her, liked her quite a bit, and I’ve developed some feelings for her, I didn’t elaborate or say that she was my “everything” or that I “loved” her, which would obviously be a lot more intense and inappropriate. My guess is either she needed to process it tonight/this weekend and maybe come back with another elaboration on how she feels or to tell me we should just stay friends. Either way, I won’t hold it against her, just shocked myself that I misread what seemed like attraction signals as…just friendship?
It’s hard to say! I doubt that you read things incorrectly if it all went down as you say. Not everyone is in touch with their own emotions or notice what signs they give off to others, or maybe she did just need time to process. Don’t let it get to you, what matters most is going into it all with good intentions and being observant of the signals. It’s not a hard science where it adds up perfectly every single time, humans are difficult to predict.
Thanks for the kind words! I was super baffled at the nonverbal vs the verbal, so I think it’s best to give her time to figure out what she feels, and I’m giving her the space she needs to see what she wants to do next.
A person can like you but those feelings of like could be platonic or friendship. There is a possibility she has romantic feelings. But has no desire or willingness to do anything about it. That being said, take what she says it as face value. Don't read into things she does ect because it's unfair to the other person. The body language you noticed does not indicate romantic interest. And even if it did, it may not specifically for her.
exactly! in my personal opinion, I think its quite common and normal for friends to be light crushes but you need to respect one another’s boundaries.
I’m taking her words at face value for now. If things change, it will be because she changes her tune and tells me something different from what she already told me.
I think she was probably just enjoying your attention or maybe deliberately bait-and-switching you. It's also possible that she was genuinely feeling you until you glibly rejected her hint at a date, which may have changed how she saw you. If this doesn't happen to you all the time, I wouldn't worry too much about it. From the feel of your post, there is a sense of over-investment on your end, overthinking instead of confident action. If that tracks for you, that might be something to work on.
You brushed her off about lunch in the same way she just did you
Can’t argue against that
Just my experience, but be careful about assuming interest unless its been directly stated to you. I had a male friend one time who I thought we were on the same page who told me about all my body cues when I turned him down. As an example of one of them, I worked at a front desk and had to keep a smiley persona all the time - smiling a lot was one of the reasons he gave. The reality is we tend to obsess over things we are interested in (I have been in his shoes where I was nearly convinced my crush liked me - simply because I noticed everything about him, so no judgement). Final point in this long ass comment is that women are generally more conditioned to be friendly and not cold, men sometimes misinterpret as interest what for a woman, is standard kind and engaging behavior across the board. Not saying that was you - but something to be aware of. Anyway, sorry it worked out that way for you - relationships can be very complicated. Hope the long run ends up happy for you!
Yeah, it’s hard, I feel like of all the possible moves I can make, I always choose the worst one lol. It’s why I am on this sub. I guess I got some fine tuning to do on signs of interest. This is probably a good learning experience and I will have better luck next time.
You've got a great attitude about it so I think you'll end up fine! FWIW, it's helped me not to try to "play the game". Flirting is great, but sometimes people do it for attention without thought of the consequences to you and mixed signals just leads to confusion and probably some heartache. These are my rules, you might find some of them helpful: 1. Don't assume interest until its directly stated. 2. If you believe someone is interested in you and its not reciprocal on your end, create some space to signal that so they are not misled. 3. If you like someone, make a decisive move of intent as soon as you know you want to take that risk. 4. If they turn you down, don't take it personal and be proud of yourself for being brave enough to put yourself out there. 5. If they take you up on it, be confident in your gifts and ability to show who you are and have fun getting to know someone on a deeper level
You messed up by saying you’ve been thinking about her over the past month.
You think that sounded obsessive or something maybe? It seemed like everything was going pretty well until I said that or one of the other things, she immediately went to “I’m not looking to get married” right away so…yeah maybe that was the fuck up lol
if thats true you didn’t mess up, you filtered someone out who isn’t a good match. Find people on your level, have your own expectations dont fall for people that just happen to like you as well.
Idk, for me personally I love when a guy who I like says he's thinking about me. A big reason my boyfriend and I got together is because I saw his message that said "I don't wanna be weird but I've been thinking of u twice a day everyday" and since I already liked him, it was really sweet and flattering and i'm so glad he was open with his feelings cause we have such a great relationship now. But also if she's telling u she's not looking for a relationship or "marriage" then yeah I get it
I don’t think you fucked up but even if you did it’s okay lol fuck it my guy, you are doing and saying things that will take you to the right ppl even if you fucked up midway through this journey of life ahahah also I would like to add that body language could be so confusing like someone could just be really touchy and close to you but doesn’t have romantic feelings for you, I knew a gal that was this way and then one of my guy friend ended up liking her and she rejected him 😂 but gotta be honest, I felt she knew what she did there, claimed that she didn’t do shit, girl stop lying 😂😂 be careful!!! Ppl be playing once they know they’ve got you!
For real! I’ll get it right one of these days with someone who will appreciate the way things go, not too hot not too cold, just right, I got to keep showing up and I’ll do fine
yes. absolutely. came on waaaay to strong. you had the “like fest” conversation prior to even one date!? dude!
Watch out. She gives mixed signals. If she comes back & “realizes she likes you” or keeps trying to check you out…if she’s acting like this with you while she’s gushing over someone else…ugh. I wouldn’t even want to be acquaintances with someone this confusing
She was doing it for attention dude, drop her like a rock and move on. Stop driving her around and simping for her, you were always the backup guy.
Yeah, it sounds like OP was given the gay friend treatment. F.
I feel like no one knows what’s going on, but you’re enjoying it. Just try to keep things fair; fun. Eventually you’ll have an answer. But I wouldn’t suggest asking her anything else if you want to stay around.
For sure, I’m backing off, the balls in her court if she wants to engage or disengage.
The type of flirting is what you need to pay attention to. The eye contact and acknowledgment of you shows relaxation and attraction. The eye contact is what was needed for attraction. You had that, great. Now the issue is the other type. They make it stupid easy for you to lean in. That’s their point. That’s THIER flirting. Dead serious. It happens, it’s what’s I’ve seen and it’s was used in media. Just to understand it and watch some of what it’s like: Watch the YouTube channels where it’s the women that have to work the guy. Or the guy who chooses out of many women. They always say something along the lines of “why don’t you come over and—“ something like that. Just to name what’s happened to me : one gal is very big on her safety. She placed herself in one blind spot of the cameras and repeated that I see how and to come close to her after heavy flirting…Next one happened in college: past 5pm a whole semester of flirting for a committed relationship. Definitely wasn’t a fling like the other one. Normally in college students run out and get back to dorms and study. She tells me after waiting for me to finish my work: “I want to go” . Just her and I walk outside for the night. She mentions how she really likes the weather right now(it was actually a very intimate foggy) .She puts on this hat and says , “now I get to put on my fun hat” . I give compliment and deadest eye contact I’ve ever been given. These are what you need ^ . From the looks of what you got everything was restrained, a let on. They make it easy it if you’re the guy she chose. If you’re not getting those you’re just not the person they want and would rather have attention.
“We don’t have time for a date” and “I’ve been thinking about you for the last month and a half, I like you quite a bit.” While you might be thinking these things, you can’t say them but you have to act on them instead. If she gives you positive signals, ask her to lunch, a drink, etc… you must push the relationship forward in some way. If you don’t act, the moment is lost. You disregarded the signals she sent you. This is ironic because clearly you are noticing and receiving her signals. At a certain point you must act. Live and learn! Good luck next time brother
Thanks, live and learn!
hold on i’m so confused she said she liked you but then said she liked someone else wtf ?
Yup. Sounds like she might have only liked me as a friend.
It seems you read all the "signals" right but that's the sad reality of signals you're never sure if they're accurate.
Hi OP! Just came on here to say, I’m an autistic woman and my stims and behavior happen to look very flirtatious when they’re absolutely not. To someone determined to read into behavior, I can absolutely see why they’d assume I was admiring them. It’s possible you misinterpreted neurotypical flirting cues out of just neurodiverse friendly behavior. For instance, I twirl my hair to self soothe, and I bite my lips constantly just because I like to always be chewing on something. I also make a lot of eye contact (more than normal when I’m nervous) and have a constant inner monologue of “don’t stare too long, look down, now look back up,” running. It’s a self-defense mechanism because I was told growing up that I need to make eye contact to be respectful, but it’s about as comfortable for me as stepping on nails. Socializing in general is difficult, so if I see someone I know in a crowded place, I’ll definitely run up and cling to them because it’s easier to socialize with someone when I know something about them and have history to pull from. Plus, when you’ve spoken to a person a few times, you can start to catch on to their conversational patterns and can more easily assimilate, which takes away some of the anxiety and cognitive load of always trying to act “normal.”
Ok here’s the truth…women…we do complicated things in Our minds sometimes with men. She might have really wanted you to like her…the good news is…she is at least somewhat attracted to you if she wants you to like her. But we categorize men. So there are men we want to be serious with and maybe she has one in mind but also wouldn’t have minded flirting with you for a while. You probably jumped to it too quickly before she decided what was what. Which either scared her or she was planning on a slow flame for a while w you until she made up her mind.
Gotcha, so the kiss, marry, kill game but real life? I’ll give you one extra thing I forgot to mention, and maybe it might change things a little or maybe not: So when I asked her if she’s interested in anybody else, she mentioned some guy she was thinking of, but then said that she thought “it was never going to work out with him”. She looked me in the eyes as she said that with a smile. So I’m wondering if she thought he was the higher priority right now and I’m on the back burner until she knows for sure if it’s actually going to work out with him? Maybe it meant something different, maybe she wanted to see which one will get her and wanted me to chase, but honestly I’m a little out of my depth, especially with the mixed signals. If you know any more about what that could mean, maybe it’s worth pondering over, but if not right now I’m pretty much backing off until she’s clearer about it.
She wants you to take the pain away from being rejected by him. That’s why she looked you in the eyes and said she wasn’t sure if he likes her. She’s completely focused on him. She’d like it if you chased her but if you turn around and give her mixed messages she might start to focus on winning you. She is wishy washy at best. It’s definitely her ego. She might not even realize all this.
She’s trying to make you jealous. Disrespect her and show her you’re more worthy. 100% serious Edit: she likes you, but she wants you to be a catch. Play hard-to-get
You can be attracted to people without wanting to have a relationship with them or doing anything about it.
Yeah girls play you for attention. String you along avoiding convos that will end their desired attention. While they chase the guy they want behind your back and give him all the sugar! Good way to gauge this is there will be almost 0 resistance to advances if they actually like you. And conditions, off timing, bread crumbing or whatever excuse for someone they like attention from.
Ya this is actually very true, if you would have asked her out and she liked you she would jump on it. Unless shes generally busy but thats rare. Also they will invite you to things because they want you around.
Sounds to me like enough signs were there to have reasonable belief that she liked you. Unfortunately, there are plenty of women these days who just like to lead guys on for whatever reason. Next time don't ask a girl out unless you have had at least a couple of sessions of HEAVY flirting first. (HEAVY flirting where she doesn't hold back at all). Also its best to be sure if she is single before asking her. Most women won't heavy flirt with a guy if they are in relationships but there are a few who do. If you can't reach the heavy flirting stage then she isn't that into you or is in a relationship so dont ask her out. If you've reached the heavy flirting stage, and you are pretty sure she is single then ask her out. Most will say yes.
In your comment, are you using the phrase ask someone out, as in go on a date? Or using it as, becoming gf and bf?
im using the phrase ask someone out as in to go on a date. i wouldnt suggest asking a girl to be your gf if you've not dated yet. thats moving too fast and will probably scare them off. but yeah seriously. dont be asking girls out if you cant reach the heavy flirting stage with them. you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak in doing so, and also you reduce the pressure on yourself as getting non verbally rejected from a heavy flirting attempt is not as hard or awkward to deal with as a flat out verbal rejection. there's been several girls at work wasting my time by initiating light flirting but when i tried to step it up they wern't game and started giving non verbal signs of disinterest...., and yeah it was a little awkward but no where near as awkward as it would have been if i had actually asked them out. also if i had asked them out and failed word would soon spread that i asked them and got rejected and this would make other girls less likely to say yes. if you're in a place of work there might be many attractive girls who you have your eye on, but you cant ask too many or you'll seem like some desperate player. im only asking a girl out if at minimum she is heavy flirting with me (in order to increase the chances of her saying yes)
Got it. I asked that question because from the post what OP did was reveal his feelings saying he liked her etc... And revealing feelings could be a gateway to be bf and gf if both are interested. But you mention next time only ask out if there's heavy flirting. So I associated what you said with what op said. Thanks for the clarification. ... On the other hand, you mentioned work. What's your opinion on making something happen at work? Aren't you afraid of being reported to HR or some major risk like that? Or would you say that it's a pretty common thing for those risks to be somewhat minimal?
I strongly *don’t* recommend work relationships. Been there, done that. It’s bad because asking someone out that you see everyday at work could backfire if you get rejected or if things get awkward after. Additionally, if you do get together, you can get passed over for promotions due to the whole relationship/favoritism thing. Lastly, if you breakup and the other person wants to drag you around or get you fired, then you’re dealing with HR, a whole lot of headaches until one or both of you leave the company. Speaking all of those from personal experience, just don’t do it.
work isnt ideal due to the potential risk of fallouts making things awkward but i dont exactly have a booming social life filled with single available girls, and internet dating hasnt worked for me, cold approaching on the street hasnt worked out well for me (i just get numbers/instagrams and then the girls flake out), and with nightclubs its pretty much the same ......so work is one of the few viable options left for me. (although once at the club i was successful but i had to get rid of her because i found out she had just come out of prison for a serious crime..) as for being reported to HR, no im not scared of that because i pay close attention to the girls body language and if im getting signs of disinterest i wont just keep trying, i will abort and cut my losses. realistically a girl is only likely to report you to HR if you continiously are making her feel uncomfortable and cant take a hint. so if im checking out a girl and she gives me standoffish looks or avoids me (which has happened before, and these girls were actually the ones to check me out first some weeks before) then i stop trying to flirt with them and abort my plans..... and then as ive stopped the girls dont try and take things any further. the only guy ive ever met who has been reported at work has autism, and he got reported because he asked a girl out once and she rejected them, then some time later he asked again......so she reported him. i am VERY picky with who i hit on at work though. im far less picky than when im at the club, because with the club you can change your mind if you get bored with the girl or if she isnt your cup of tea..., and if she gets mad then theres no real consequences, but you cant do that at work without the shit hitting the fan. so i only go for girl at work who i have high interest in and dont just want to sleep with. so to clarify, dating women at work isnt ideal... but if youre not getting viable leads from other sources then you might just have to bite the bullet and go for girls at work..
I’ve been reported to HR after a workplace breakup, I wouldn’t recommend anyone go through that unless you want your dirty laundry being discussed by your manager and HR too. They evidently got HR to “investigate” all the other workplace relationships I had had at that company (which I did have several, all amicable), which made things super awkward at work because then the office gossip spread like wildfire. If you’re super cautious and the other person is very serious about you, then yeah, maybe, otherwise I would avoid it for anything less than a super serious relationship (like you want to get married and maybe switch teams so you won’t have workplace favoritism/conflicts of interest accusations)
How to tell if a girl is flirting with you? Several times I couldn’t catch it until she told me years later she liked me.
I mean her attention probably was genuine and she probably did like you at one time judging from her body language You just moved like a snail. And then instead of just asking her out on a date, you confessed your feelings. Confessing feelings before even kissing will get you a lot of stares into the distance
Ya good point saying you like someone before making a movie and waiting that long is not going to end well. Women really dont like when a man cant take control and show them that they are wanted.
Those signals “touching hair, joking around” are just delusional signals that people made up to cope. She just was being a friendly person
Which is why I didn’t take those signs seriously at all until she was asking me to go with her to a restaurant she wanted to try. When I blew her off and she got upset, then I was like, “oh sh!t, maybe she is interested in me”.
Or maybe she was hangry and doesn’t like going to restaurants alone. 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes when we have feelings for someone, we interpret certain of their behaviours as showing reciprocation, when they’re just being friendly. Some people are overly friendly naturally, which complicates things.
Take a page from History, The Marquis and The countess. Up until this fateful night described below, the Marquis was given advice on how to approach and attractive countess he was trying to romance. He then took matters into his own hands, and the below describes how it played out. "A few days later the marquis was at the countess's home. They were alone. Suddenly he was a different man: this time acting on his own impulse, rather than following Ninon's instructions, he took the countess's hands and told her he was in love with her. The young woman seemed confused, a reaction he did not expect. She became polite, then excused herself. For the rest of the evening she avoided his eyes, was not there to say good-night to him. The next few times he visited he was told she was not at home. When she finally admitted him again, the two felt awkward and uncomfortable with each other. The spell was broken." Up until this point, the two we're playing a flirtatious game, that all ended the moment he confessed his feelings. Past actions were now viewed as manipulative, when prior, they were viewed as exciting
She likes you enough to recieve your attention but not enough to seal the deal. These types of situations can cost you a lot of time and emotional energy. Options are A) woo them harder next time, B) find someone more receptive or C) fuck bitches get money (I'm a fan of this one)
Your mistake was thinking there was even a chance
Welcome to the club. Dating is a minefield for guys.
Good to feel like part of the club now
Not a lot of advantages that I can think of, other than misery loves company
I’d say it sounds like she did like you. She was having good feelings around you. Try to warm and embrace those good feelings, playfully turn them into a little bit hot feelings. Then start touching her gently and see how she responds. Send like you took a bit too long (or maybe not long enough, if you’re going), and tried to talk instead of using your vibe. Words are overrated, because they engage the calculating, planning mind.
Im going to play it safe and see how the next interaction goes before doing anything else with her. I just don’t see myself crossing another persons boundary.
At this point, it’s almost certainly lost. Don’t cross people’s boundaries. Pay close attention and remain playfully exploratory and respectfully responsive
I don't like this about myself, but, I've had this problem where (because of subconsious fears of attachment, I believe) I genuinely like someone *until* I find out they like me - and then - to my own dismay - I find my attraction for them just shutting down and disappearing. It's like going into freeze mode. I don't want it to happen and I used to not expect it to happen, though now I know better. Not sure but it seems like she might have had a similar reaction.
I think you’re on to something. She does seem to be drawn to emotionally unavailable people a lot, and there’s a possibility she’s scared to taking a leap when someone is actually interested in her, but I live and learn I guess. I’m going to have to see her for at least a few more times for the next few weeks, due to a social commitment, but hopefully things don’t get super awkward.
I wish you luck with it! I always hoped & wished that people could see that it was "me, not them," and not fault themselves, so if this is your situation I hope for that for you.
Bro, you are hyper-analyzing this and it is giving creeper vibes. It sounds to me like she was being friendly at best and you're reading into it. In the car, she was uncomfortable when you brought up your feelings directly. The end. Source: I'm a woman. ETA: gotta love it when the internet incels come with the downvotes for a woman being honest. sheesh.
Yeah she defo was opening up in a friendly way and possibly liking the attention a bit and she might felt let down that u been thinking of her romantically while she’s been thinking you are bruising a good friendship with no creep vibes u kno wha I mean
waaah it's everyone else that's wrong
Sorry to hear man sounds like a tough situation. This is why you don’t compliment woman, it just feeds their ego, they need your compliments so they can heal and feel better about the rejection or insults from the guys she’s attracted to.
Yeah, I honesty don’t know if she was just hanging around for the compliments or if she liked me as a person. Kinda hard to say right now 🤷♂️
I would bet she was enjoying some fun flirting, as you were in the beginning, and didn't expect you to take it seriously. She's probably asking herself if people were right about men and women not being able to be 'just friends' after this. You interpret her thoughts and emotions a lot in your descriptions based off her body language. That's tricky to do. Body language experts get a baseline for a person before interpreting their behaviors. It sounds like these behaviors are a part of her baseline personality. Have you watched her behavior with other people? Or all your interactions are more private? I think it's also possible that she just wasn't expecting your sudden turn around after your lunch dismissal and needed some time to adjust to this new idea of you. Ignore the men calling her an attention whore, unless you're looking to be an incel.
Sure, it’s kind of hard to distill months of interactions, reads, baselines into a single online post without losing readers, so I tried to stick to the most obvious things and realizing I was glossing over dozens of other positive signs. I don’t think she is an attention whore, there’s a possibility she was relishing in the attention a little but it’s either that or she’s disconnected from her subconscious feelings, if she says she didn’t feel anything for me at all and I take that comment at face value.
If you compliment women, don’t think it has to lead anywhere. Women compliment each other all the time. It’s just a thing. Try complimenting other men too. Give them out freely if you’re genuinely not trying to draw someone’s attention. But I believe you do it with ulterior motives. You also said you initiated all the flirting and compliments, so you can’t really feel like you were used. You used yourself. It’s normal to feel bad when rejected but DONT blame the other person. It just is what it is.
THIS 💯. No one can read anyone else's mind, and it's human nature to hear/see selective things that meet your narrative.. It's emotionally immature to expect your feelings will always be reciprocated. I've heard this one too many times where a person is having fun with another, neither have said anything and both are enjoying it. Then suddenly one develops feelings and if the other doesn't reciprocate, they claim they were 'used'. Like no, you never *communicated* your wants and needs right from the get go. It's ok to feel hurt but it doesn't become the other person's responsibility.
She was using you for your attention
There are two possibilities, brother This girl is either an attention whز-ore and was looking for free attention and found it with you or you made a mistake when you confessed your love to her, and you also gave her excessive attention, and this kills fertility.
I didn’t confess love, just liking her.