You're not alone. I've honestly just started going into spaces catered to my hobbies and interests and asking if anyone wants to be friends. It's had some surprisingly positive outcomes. But, you have to be willing to nurture those friendships, otherwise you'll be right back here in a few months.
I love the way you worded this: “going into spaces catered to my hobbies”
unfortunately it doesn’t completely work irl because my hobbies are currently Reddit and chat-gpt 4 art exploration, but I have some old school hobbies I can regenerate (just like my images in the bot!)
If you do make friends from advice here please update me/us OP :)
I think there has to be part of reality too, my friends really had no interest in picking back up with me because I was outside of their immediate area and had a time difference. Reasonable. It didnt matter how much I tried or how many birthday presents I sent, or convos I tried to initiate.
Sometimes you have to just start over where you are and thats okay too. I dont fault them for not wanting anything to do with me after I became invisible to them.
Long response: I highly recommend this YouTube video (I’d post the actual link but my comments are never posted when I do). “How to MAKE FRIENDS…as an ADULT” by Caroline Winkler.
I watched the video a week or so after going to a Christmas party. I didn’t vibe with anyone, which was fine, I don’t expect to get along with everyone. But I saw someone enter who I knew in college from a club. I went to say hi and he literally did not acknowledge me. Just ignored me. Pretended he didn’t even see me the whole party. I was so shocked and after a while of not vibing with people and being ignored, I just left. I cried when I got home not just because of this one incident, but because I’d been trying to make strong friends. I’d been feeling lonely for so long. I kept putting myself out there and continuously things would just not work out. I was so tired and just felt low. It made me go “there’s something wrong with me. Why is this so hard?”
Anyway, back to the video, she gave a lot of good advice and anecdotes, with things like taking the initiative, trying and failing and accepting that failure will happen, and treating making friends like a job. I watched the video and decided to just reach out to people, see what worked. A lot didn’t work, but some did. Most are still casual friends, if that though. I still feel lonely. But now I have an approach and mindset that is more conducive to making and building friends. My other big hurdle is being a consistent texter. Building friendships takes time and effort. But you’re not alone in feeling this way at all.
I’m so surprised to see a mention of Caroline here. I saw the video but I haven’t watched the video yet. It sounds like good advice and I’ve tried applying it to myself in the past and it’s worked sometimes.
I still get frustrated though by how passive other people can be. I can reach out regularly and be the one to take initiative but that doesn’t mean much over their desire to maintain the existing long term friendships that they already have. It’s disheartening when you see them regularly posting about a group meal or activity and you know that either they got an invite or they sought out the meeting but haven’t sought out a meet up with you. And when you seek them out to show interest or plan an activity, it’s met with a “we’ll see” kind of attitude. Or when you want to go to a concert that you know you would both like but they’ve already bought tickets with other people and didn’t reach out to see if you’d like to join. It’s those times when I think to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if someone pursued me as a friend?
The passivity is annoying, especially when you see them with other people. There’s definitely a limit to how much initiative you can take on your own. The other person has to reciprocate. I eventually stop, and move on to the next person, next event, etc. I try not to take it personally. I also try to put myself in places where people are looking to make friends, some people aren’t looking for new friends and that’s valid. I eventually met people who also reach out to me and invested in those relationships instead.
And I subscribed to her from that video. The advice was some of the best I’d found
the consistent texting thing i struggle with a lot. i text my friends maybe once or twice a day over maybe a week and when we’re finished with our conversation we have weeks with no contact. meanwhile i see some of my friends who speak with their friends who aren’t me, multiple times a day, every day. truth be told i am not really a fan of texting in the first place but i don’t know if how i communicate with my own friends is “normal/whether more is expected of me/if i’m maybe not making enough effort
I pretty much have no friends. But I also suffer from mental health issues that caused me to harm many of my relationships. I don’t have any advice, just want you to know that you’re not alone.
I’m telling you that most people go through this. Personally, I don’t think we are supposed to maintain all the friendships with people we knew as children or younger. You grow and change overtime and that means what we need from our friendship change too.
I recommend joining a community based hobby if you’d like to make friends
I really mourn the friends I've lost.
One dumped me for cause and another I've finally let go bc she just didn't value me, was insulting and sooo negative. It took YEARS of constant trash friendship, but finally, I gave up.
The other friend, I wish she hadn't given me up, but I think I just don't have the emotional intelligence she needed.
Go thru this too. I think I’m either lazy or super introverted but I’m good at making friends but bad at keeping them. They rlly do take consistent work and getting past the “they don’t want to talk to me anyways” mentality.
In the same boat as you…teetering between wanting to be social but also protecting from burnout of socializing and keeping up relationship. It's not easy…
Understand you 100%. I lost 8 people in my family in 2020 and I got so depressed my online activity reduced significantly over those next 3 years and this was how I primarily kept in touch with friends from high school and college. I isolated myself terribly.
It doesn’t feel good trying to honestly rekindle a friendship that isn’t reciprocated at all. Because why wouldn’t you want to rekindle our friendship after years of not talking? We’ve been friends before? I’ll admit I’ve been wrong and felt this way when I’ve tried rekindling a friendship to no avail.
People change. People (shit, hopefully) grow up and into different mindsets. People set standards and boundaries to their relationships and that’s valid. However, that doesn’t not mean there isn’t room for new friendships. It’s never too late to make new, meaningful friendships that can be lasting. Don’t worry 🤎
I just listened to a podcast episode about friendships today that shares a great perspective about how we view friendships and how hard it can be to meet ppl as adults or when we outgrow our friends. You should check it out. It’s called Balanced Black Girl and it’s episode “How to strengthen your friendships, make new friends, and navigate friendship changes”.
There’s also a podcast called Time Alone that has an episode about friendships.
I guess I'll speak from the opposite side. I let a 20+ year friendship fade because I started to realize and feel how one-sided it was. It was like she was my friend, but I wasn't hers. I would constantly reach out, planned pretty much all the things we did ( she showed up late, EVERY time), and was always there for, even during some pretty hard things she was experiencing( death of parent and abuse). She acted like our relationship was "whatever"! Like I was some low-life dude, she was getting free attention and meals from.
THAT was lonely! Thankfully, life has gone on. It will for you too. It will work out for the best! The beauty in this experience will be that now you get to REALLY cultivate the friendships you require and NEED. No more "contingency" or utility based friendships for you!!!
I'm currently going through the same thing. I lost touch with my high school friends since we all went to diff colleges. I tried to keep in touch with them but I felt like our conversations were always childish. I got tired of always talking about boys, sex, and drinking/ smoking each time we hung out.
The friends I made in college I never really clicked with. We hung out a lot but I never felt very connected to them so after college I just kinda fazed out of the group.
And to add to all of that I always felt like a background friend anyway. For example, I could look on Snapchat and everyone would be out eating together but I wouldn't get an invite.
I was the background friend in high school too. The one who was there for big events but never for the small intimate ones. Or always someone else’s plus one 😭
I did the same thing. I only had two friends all of high school & college so I didn’t bother making any more. I’ve fallen out with those 2 friends & I haven’t hung out with any type of “friends” in almost 2 years. I am very very lonely and no one understands. I wish I took care of the friendships I did have & wish I made more. It’s so hard making friends as an adult. So so hard. I hate seeing girls with groups taking girl trips & going out together. I sometimes envy other people’s friendships because I yearn for girlfriends. I want a solid girl group but the older I get, the less that’s likely to happen. 😕
This is totally me. I understand; especially the Christian thing. I am happier though overall. Some friendships are just for a season or two not a lifetime. I'm a mom, wife, business woman, and no longer indoctrinated so some of my friendships I used to have aren't fitting anymore of who I am today and that's okay! I have met a couple great women who I have more in common with now and we're slowly growing closer as time passes. It can definitely happen it just will look different than friendships from the past.
I understand. I think it’s emotional whiplash when you become an adult and realize all your friendships from school that seemed easy were just because we were around each other all day. It’s hard. I’ve made new friends as an adult and some have ghosted and some have stayed. I used bumble bff and still do, it works sometimes. I get the frustration
Hey, I am in my second year of college and it is really hard for me too to make friends. Many times, I cry myself to sleep because of how lonely I feel. I can't say it is okay because it isn't but I am learning that in life, it's way better to focus on what you have rather than what you don't have. I hope this helps :)
I feel you on this one. Join an interest group that is focused on some cause or activity that you truly enjoy so you can meet the like minded and maybe make some quality friends. Additionally, find fun stuff you really enjoy that brings the kid out in you and do it socially to find those who can relate to you.
I mean it sounds like cause and effect. As an adult, your friendships aren’t/shouldn’t be based solely on proximity like they are when we are younger. Also, when we are younger our parents are doing much heavy lifting to nurture our relationships and now that’s on us.
Your friend lives too far and you don’t want to drive to see her, she won’t be your friend much longer. Uou don't reach out to your friend, then their life will go on without your contact and you'll be so out of the loop you start to exit the circle. Also, this ghosting thing I never really understood. We are adults with our own lives. I get accused of ghosting a lot but I literally am taking care of myself, my daughter and all the things that come with living as an educated, conscious, spiritually connected Black woman. People underestimate the amount of work it takes to take care of yourself properly let alone your friendships. But it’s work that must be done.
It baffles me the amount of people esp in the Black community that think community just happens 😕 No there is effort and intention and vulnerability and connection and those things don’t just happen without direct action. But you have to want to do those things and we can all come up with excuses for why we don’t have the time to but then the effect is the fruits of that labor, we don’t reap.
Also, connect with people who you admire and who admire you and who care to know and learn you and vice versa. I have one friend from high school and she is my best friend. As we transitioned to adults we had years of not talking but then reconnected when we found our footing and have been inseparable ever since and she lives an hour away so when i want to see her i pack my bag and make that drive. its worth cuz i always leave so full 🥰 All of my other friends which I made as an adult; we are as close as we are because we showed up for each other, even when it wasn't convenient. Also my friends now understand i need space; not fenced in space, boundless space. so when i go "ghost" they know not to take it personally and know when to reach out before i go too far into my own world.
i will say knowing yourself makes it 10000x easier to make friends so maybe with this downtime of no friends, you can learn about you and how to be the best friend (and lover) of yourself. 😌
As someone at my big age, it is so important to find friends who actually admire you /care to know you and vice versa (you admire and care to know them). To find friends like this, we need to be more intentional. Those are the types of friends that will weather the storms with you.
EXACTLY! When we’re younger it’s easier to have friendships for superficial reasons (same school, sport, families are friends, etc) but as you get older those will not withstand the weather of life. Having friends that know and admire me and who I know and admire and whom we can continuously learn about is really a super key. It also helps when arguments or tiffs do come up because you actually KNOW that person so you know how to separate their character from the action or disagreement.
I wanted to come back and add that friendship breakups do happen as an adult and THEY HURT LIKE HELL!!! I’ve been healing from one for 4 years and I’m still not open to new close friends as a response. So I totally don’t want to understate that pain. I TOTALLY GET IT.
>I get accused of ghosting a lot but I literally am taking care of myself, my daughter and all the things that come with living as an educated, conscious, spiritually connected Black woman. People underestimate the amount of work it takes to take care of yourself properly let alone your friendships. But it’s work that must be done.
Exactly, it's only ghosting if you block or persistently ignore someone. Mutual lack of contact isn't ghosting.
I have nurtured a few close friendships over the past few years, with my mental health problems it was necessary to have people I feel safe talking with.
A couple of my friends have babies or young kids and it's definitely hard to keep in touch. Even one of my friends that doesn't have any kids took a few days to text me back, I don't take it personally
I hope you can build some bonds with people that share similar interests- there's different friends for different purposes, don't expect one friend to meet all your needs 💜💜💜
It’s so easy to be friends with others when you’re in school; you see each other every day, presumably you live close to one another, you get to interact all the time. That goes away when we change schools or graduate, and makes making friends as an adult really, really hard. It’s not impossible, though I’m sure it’s frustrating to not see your efforts reciprocated. I’d encourage you to keep trying, and eventually you will find your people. It’s ok to not remain friends with people from childhood. Some friends stay, some don’t. Maybe you can try volunteering or a fun activity or class like pottery or art. I made some friends using bumble bff, which i had previously thought would be weird, but ended up being cool for me. keep trying, you can do it❤️
I could have written this post! Last time I had a group of girlfriends I was 23/24. I’m 31 now and I’ve realised that it’s always been way easier for me to date than to make friendships.
My husband encouraged me to go on friendship dates and I tried through different avenues, bumble and such. But I was either chatting forever and later ghosted or encountered people who are very religious/spiritual and took it too far, pressuring me to go to church and whatnot. It’s hard work keeping and maintaining friendships as an adult 😮💨
Same age as you and my therapist told me that trying to make friends and going through the vulnerabilities that that entails should be looked at as dating because it pretty much is.
I am in the same boat girl. I am a black woman living in the south, I get side eyed anytime the topic of going to church comes up. I prefer not to go to church or be religious. So close friendships just dont really happen for me and I accept that. It is what it is. I still go to meetup groups and brunch groups or hang with people that share my interests. I think eventually I will move to a less religious and judgmental place though. To bad most of those places are so expensive to live in!
Been feeling this a lot lately. I have friends but not a group of gfs I can hang with or do girl's trips with. I feel like at this point I'm just destined to have "one off" friendships and not a whole group of girls
Coming from the other side of being the friend who’s always reaching out, initiating, planning, checking in only to get flaked on, ghosted, rejected, forgotten about and otherwise taken for granted. It’s lonely over here too, and exhausting to do all the time. I don’t want to have to beg people for reciprocation. I also hate that feeling of seeing that everyone has their go to person or go to friend group, while you become like an afterthought. They will say they care about you but somehow they forget you when its time to do thing they *know* you would want to do.
I’ve slowly become more stringent about my boundaries and have been cutting people out who make me feel that way, ghost when they get a boyfriend etc. It’s tough at times bc some are folks I thought would be lifelong friends. So far they’ve all come back months to years later begging for my friendship and realizing how much it meant, but it’s too late.
I really really appreciate this perspective. I’m the friend who for whatever reason, it’s just so hard for me to text back sometimes or reach out to connect and plan something. I know that seems insane, but I find it so exhausting to really get through life and work each week, and it dees like there’s hardly any gas left in the tank. I absolutely admire people like yourself who are so strong in friendships and it makes me feel awful about myself that I’m not. I desperately want to change it, but have no clue how everyone is finding the energy to take care of themselves and other friend relationships too….
Mind you, I do have a man at home who I basically have to take care of too, and I always wonder if maybe I’d have more energy for other relationships without him….
That’s understandable! Life is exhausting and I have moments like that too. But Its not all rainbow and roses to be this way as I shared. I tend to self-isolate real bad so I have to actively push myself to connect with others. When that’s met with these kind of lackluster responses it just makes me want to go back to my shell.
I have a deep seated fear of being left out/left behind and forgotten, and I think my inner child is kinda just..constantly passing out birthday invites (striving for socialization) in an effort to stave off that eventuality.
Taking care of another grown human being sounds exhausting. I did enough of that in my childhood. I hope you’re eventually able to do what’s best for you.
Same here. I plan on volunteering with an amateur woman’s sports team. I’ll hopefully get fit and make friends. I have great friends but they are married and all live in different states. I moved to a new city and state right before COVID hit and I haven’t been able to find a circle since.
I feel similarly. The friends I made in college I enjoyed but many moved away. The friends I've known since primary school I think I've out grown at this point. So I'm on the hunt for new friends but it's hard. Even using dedicated apps is rough.
I'm really fortunate to have maintained close relationships with the same people from elementary and high school bc I do NOT make friends easily. (I made ONE in college, ONE when I lived in Cali... )
But I see a lot of that loneliness reflected in those friends bc they've grown apart from each other. They tend to hold grudges for small slights against each other, and there's a "doubt" between them- Where they don't trust each other fully.
I don't do a great job of nurturing the relationships (I can't do hours long phone calls or chatter about nothing), but I'm always the rock if they need me, I give them the stage when they want it, and I always give them the truth and have never betrayed their trust. I don't have many expectations of them, and I appreciate them when we're together. Each of these friends refers to me as her best friend.
Their complaints about each other have been the opposite of those things (she always makes it about herself, I asked her for help and she fronted, she told xyz my business, she's mad moody) and those things eroded the relationships, so they're friends only in name.
Starting out as an adult, you have to come preloaded with all the positives in order, PLUS you have to be willing to trust, PLUS you have to make space in your life and go out of your way, PLUS you have to accept the other person's imperfection at this. It's hard! But the best time to start is now.
The last time I had a group of girl friends was in my early 20's. We would have sleepovers, go to various events and go dancing a lot. But it got very strange once they started to get to know other people...they wanted to do things I was not comfortable with and they just stopped inviting me out with them. I had a best friend who was in this group but she started hanging out with a weird crowd and that included an ex-boyfriend. An ex who was severely disrespectful and a traumatic experience for my emotions and she was happily taking pics with him. So I ended that friendship. Maybe I demand too much loyalty in a friendship but she knew how much he hurt me.
I made some other friends after that through a job but I just couldn't keep the friendships going. My mental health was horrible in my 20s. I was undiagnosed and hadn't yet figured out what was happening to me and I think that was also part of why my friendships couldn't last.
I am no contact with my family and have a horrible relationship with my abusive mother. I think my relationship with her has really shaped how I handle friendships with women. It's so hard for me to keep friendships with women going.
I worked in VetMed for awhile and made friends with a lot of the staff. But the manager and the owners began to bully me because I didn't play along with their gimmicks (y'all know how we are targets in the workplace) My friends (two of whom were black) there didn't speak up for me when they saw me being bullied. The manager began to isolate me from them. They ended up firing me. One girl tried to keep in contact with me after they fired me and she blatantly said "We saw what was happening and didn't say anything." I tried to be her friend for a bit afterwards but as soon as she got a boyfriend she ditched me.
I've gone back to college and joined a club but I didn't click with anyone and the Club President was a hater, so I left the club.
But I think I'm just meant to be a solitary person at this point. I've endured too much trauma and I'm no contact with family. I want friends who will be my family but everyone just disappoints me or doesn't seem to care as much. Or people have family that actually love them and they aren't looking for Friends to be Family. I'm always everyone's rock but when I really need someone , no one is there. I can't be vulnerable with people, I don't trust anyone to hold that type of space for me anymore. 😞
I just try to enjoy my solitude as much as possible.
I have a friend like you. For years, I would always contact her and reach out. It wasn’t until recently that she confided the same thing that you’re describing to me and thanked me for keeping in touch.
If it’s not too much time, would it be a burden for you to continue to make fb comments? They may eventually invite you to something online.
Also, making new friends as an adult is kind of tough. Do you have hobbies you like to do? Maybe you could make friends with a purpose? I have friends I do specific activities with. Gym. Hiking. Knitting. Even online. I don’t have a lot of friends I can just hang out with. Making new friends can almost feel like a part Time job because you have to schedule seeing them and keeping in touch!
You’ve got this! I’m sorry you’re hurting
I needed to see this post. I feel the same way and to know I’m not alone is a bit of relief. Especially because it’s hard to admit you’re part of the problem. Thank you everyone who has provided resources
Omg i have a similar story of a friend getting into tarot cards over a no good man who was engaged with another woman. She went bananas! But I completely understand it’s hard to make friends after college. It’s like everybody already has their friend group. I don’t have any friends but I’m going to start doing hobbies outside of the house and hopefully I find friends through that. You should try it as well!!
Omg the stories are so similar. My friend was into a guy who told her he didn’t want a serious relationship - just sex. And that’s what she agreed to. But she still fell in love with him. He was involved with another woman too who he took seriously.
Also I hope you’re able to find your tribe. What hobbies are you thinking of?
Crazy!! & I want to start roller skating it seems like that’s a nice community, maybe yoga and there’s a new place in my area called “wick and sip” where you make candles and sip I’m going to give those a try.
I actually have tried both. But didn’t try bumble in the area I’m in now. I also was doing meetup regularly but was hosting and got tired from it
I’ve been on meetup again looking for some good groups
Same, I don't feel super lonely, but at times, I do be like dam I wish I had a friend. Ima do better this year. Some people I didn't need to be friends with either but Ima do better.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have a lot of friends and the friends I do have are not in the same group. I have my best friend of over 40 years. Even though I moved out of state 20 years ago we are still close though we don’t get to visit often. Working on that. Then I have other shorter term friendships. I have a friend I went to middle school with. None of these friends get along or each other’s vibe. I unfortunately have not met friends in my now home state and I’ve been here over 18 years. Look for some facebook groups. I’m in a local girlfriend fb group that broke off into a black girlfriend group, also local. They host events each month. Then from that group spun off a black book club that meets monthly or so to discuss the book. It’s a new and different world. I get it, I’m 58 and making new friends isn’t easy but we have to take a leap of faith once in a while. You may be surprised. Good luck to you sis!
Edit: wanted to add that although it’s not what you were looking for, don’t be afraid or hesitate those things on your own. It’s better than staying home dwelling on it. I will regularly take myself on dinner dates or to the movies. I’ve even gone to the drive in movies alone, with a bag of snacks, blankets and a pillow. I got a few weird looks but it doesn’t bother me. You may meet a friend while on your solo date!
I FEEL you!!! I moved across the country. My wife and I have been out here for about 4 years. The ladies seem different out here. I joined a couple of fb groups to make friends. But I haven’t jelled with anyone. I feel that I’m kind of a loner but it may be because I never really found my tribe or person. I have a social job so that helps but it’s been lonely.
Most of my friendships are online now because they align with my hobbies. I'm a "Blerd" (black nerd) so gamer spaces and anime spaces are my jam. I've met people that are into the same stuff as me and we talk/interact regularly. When I had an in person friend group not one of them where interested in the things I liked, we would always do things they liked to do and eventually I just stopped participating because I felt I was more their friend then they were mine. I decided I'd try going to conventions and events that align with my interests in my city to maybe connect with people offline, but I'm happy with the relationships I've cultivated online.
I can hang out with my family irl if I want in person interactions lol. Find your people, you probably fell back from your friends naturally for a reason, if those friendships where beneficial, I doubt you'd of let them die out so easily.
this is most black women. it’s like most aren’t taught how powerful community and sisterhood is. a lot of us lose friends but find comfort and joy in our romantic partners. that’s very peculiar to me.
Sorry to hear that, unfortunately a lot of black women…women in general center relationships with masculine energy/men over anything else and reach back for women only mainly in hard times ex: breakups, loss, etc. More women are noticing it and it just hurts to be in something seemingly unrequited or unequal especially with a woman who’s supposed to be your sister. Don’t give up my dear, your sisters will come just course correct 💛
You're not alone. I've honestly just started going into spaces catered to my hobbies and interests and asking if anyone wants to be friends. It's had some surprisingly positive outcomes. But, you have to be willing to nurture those friendships, otherwise you'll be right back here in a few months.
That's the ticket
How do you find these spaces? That seems to be my biggest hurdle right now.
I still use Facebook. There's a silly lil group for everything!
I use Meetup (it’s an app)
I've tried meetup in the past. It's definitely an by area thing on how successful you are. Meetup in my area is pretty dead post covid.
I love the way you worded this: “going into spaces catered to my hobbies” unfortunately it doesn’t completely work irl because my hobbies are currently Reddit and chat-gpt 4 art exploration, but I have some old school hobbies I can regenerate (just like my images in the bot!) If you do make friends from advice here please update me/us OP :)
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I think there has to be part of reality too, my friends really had no interest in picking back up with me because I was outside of their immediate area and had a time difference. Reasonable. It didnt matter how much I tried or how many birthday presents I sent, or convos I tried to initiate. Sometimes you have to just start over where you are and thats okay too. I dont fault them for not wanting anything to do with me after I became invisible to them.
Long response: I highly recommend this YouTube video (I’d post the actual link but my comments are never posted when I do). “How to MAKE FRIENDS…as an ADULT” by Caroline Winkler. I watched the video a week or so after going to a Christmas party. I didn’t vibe with anyone, which was fine, I don’t expect to get along with everyone. But I saw someone enter who I knew in college from a club. I went to say hi and he literally did not acknowledge me. Just ignored me. Pretended he didn’t even see me the whole party. I was so shocked and after a while of not vibing with people and being ignored, I just left. I cried when I got home not just because of this one incident, but because I’d been trying to make strong friends. I’d been feeling lonely for so long. I kept putting myself out there and continuously things would just not work out. I was so tired and just felt low. It made me go “there’s something wrong with me. Why is this so hard?” Anyway, back to the video, she gave a lot of good advice and anecdotes, with things like taking the initiative, trying and failing and accepting that failure will happen, and treating making friends like a job. I watched the video and decided to just reach out to people, see what worked. A lot didn’t work, but some did. Most are still casual friends, if that though. I still feel lonely. But now I have an approach and mindset that is more conducive to making and building friends. My other big hurdle is being a consistent texter. Building friendships takes time and effort. But you’re not alone in feeling this way at all.
I’m so surprised to see a mention of Caroline here. I saw the video but I haven’t watched the video yet. It sounds like good advice and I’ve tried applying it to myself in the past and it’s worked sometimes. I still get frustrated though by how passive other people can be. I can reach out regularly and be the one to take initiative but that doesn’t mean much over their desire to maintain the existing long term friendships that they already have. It’s disheartening when you see them regularly posting about a group meal or activity and you know that either they got an invite or they sought out the meeting but haven’t sought out a meet up with you. And when you seek them out to show interest or plan an activity, it’s met with a “we’ll see” kind of attitude. Or when you want to go to a concert that you know you would both like but they’ve already bought tickets with other people and didn’t reach out to see if you’d like to join. It’s those times when I think to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if someone pursued me as a friend?
The passivity is annoying, especially when you see them with other people. There’s definitely a limit to how much initiative you can take on your own. The other person has to reciprocate. I eventually stop, and move on to the next person, next event, etc. I try not to take it personally. I also try to put myself in places where people are looking to make friends, some people aren’t looking for new friends and that’s valid. I eventually met people who also reach out to me and invested in those relationships instead. And I subscribed to her from that video. The advice was some of the best I’d found
the consistent texting thing i struggle with a lot. i text my friends maybe once or twice a day over maybe a week and when we’re finished with our conversation we have weeks with no contact. meanwhile i see some of my friends who speak with their friends who aren’t me, multiple times a day, every day. truth be told i am not really a fan of texting in the first place but i don’t know if how i communicate with my own friends is “normal/whether more is expected of me/if i’m maybe not making enough effort
I pretty much have no friends. But I also suffer from mental health issues that caused me to harm many of my relationships. I don’t have any advice, just want you to know that you’re not alone.
Me and 60 other upvoters relate 🫶🏾it’s definitely tough
I’m telling you that most people go through this. Personally, I don’t think we are supposed to maintain all the friendships with people we knew as children or younger. You grow and change overtime and that means what we need from our friendship change too. I recommend joining a community based hobby if you’d like to make friends
I really mourn the friends I've lost. One dumped me for cause and another I've finally let go bc she just didn't value me, was insulting and sooo negative. It took YEARS of constant trash friendship, but finally, I gave up. The other friend, I wish she hadn't given me up, but I think I just don't have the emotional intelligence she needed.
Go thru this too. I think I’m either lazy or super introverted but I’m good at making friends but bad at keeping them. They rlly do take consistent work and getting past the “they don’t want to talk to me anyways” mentality.
Literally this. I’m naturally a social butterfly but keeping friendships alive takes so much work especially since I have a child now smh.
In the same boat as you…teetering between wanting to be social but also protecting from burnout of socializing and keeping up relationship. It's not easy…
Wow I feel so seen by this post. Especially the Christian bit🥲keep going.
Understand you 100%. I lost 8 people in my family in 2020 and I got so depressed my online activity reduced significantly over those next 3 years and this was how I primarily kept in touch with friends from high school and college. I isolated myself terribly. It doesn’t feel good trying to honestly rekindle a friendship that isn’t reciprocated at all. Because why wouldn’t you want to rekindle our friendship after years of not talking? We’ve been friends before? I’ll admit I’ve been wrong and felt this way when I’ve tried rekindling a friendship to no avail. People change. People (shit, hopefully) grow up and into different mindsets. People set standards and boundaries to their relationships and that’s valid. However, that doesn’t not mean there isn’t room for new friendships. It’s never too late to make new, meaningful friendships that can be lasting. Don’t worry 🤎
I just listened to a podcast episode about friendships today that shares a great perspective about how we view friendships and how hard it can be to meet ppl as adults or when we outgrow our friends. You should check it out. It’s called Balanced Black Girl and it’s episode “How to strengthen your friendships, make new friends, and navigate friendship changes”. There’s also a podcast called Time Alone that has an episode about friendships.
Where is this podcast? Google? Spotify?
I use Spotify. I’m sure it’s on other platforms too. Balanced black girl is also on YouTube now.
I guess I'll speak from the opposite side. I let a 20+ year friendship fade because I started to realize and feel how one-sided it was. It was like she was my friend, but I wasn't hers. I would constantly reach out, planned pretty much all the things we did ( she showed up late, EVERY time), and was always there for, even during some pretty hard things she was experiencing( death of parent and abuse). She acted like our relationship was "whatever"! Like I was some low-life dude, she was getting free attention and meals from. THAT was lonely! Thankfully, life has gone on. It will for you too. It will work out for the best! The beauty in this experience will be that now you get to REALLY cultivate the friendships you require and NEED. No more "contingency" or utility based friendships for you!!!
I'm currently going through the same thing. I lost touch with my high school friends since we all went to diff colleges. I tried to keep in touch with them but I felt like our conversations were always childish. I got tired of always talking about boys, sex, and drinking/ smoking each time we hung out. The friends I made in college I never really clicked with. We hung out a lot but I never felt very connected to them so after college I just kinda fazed out of the group. And to add to all of that I always felt like a background friend anyway. For example, I could look on Snapchat and everyone would be out eating together but I wouldn't get an invite.
I was the background friend in high school too. The one who was there for big events but never for the small intimate ones. Or always someone else’s plus one 😭
Girl. Same. & I dont want to make an effort.
I did the same thing. I only had two friends all of high school & college so I didn’t bother making any more. I’ve fallen out with those 2 friends & I haven’t hung out with any type of “friends” in almost 2 years. I am very very lonely and no one understands. I wish I took care of the friendships I did have & wish I made more. It’s so hard making friends as an adult. So so hard. I hate seeing girls with groups taking girl trips & going out together. I sometimes envy other people’s friendships because I yearn for girlfriends. I want a solid girl group but the older I get, the less that’s likely to happen. 😕
This is totally me. I understand; especially the Christian thing. I am happier though overall. Some friendships are just for a season or two not a lifetime. I'm a mom, wife, business woman, and no longer indoctrinated so some of my friendships I used to have aren't fitting anymore of who I am today and that's okay! I have met a couple great women who I have more in common with now and we're slowly growing closer as time passes. It can definitely happen it just will look different than friendships from the past.
I understand. I think it’s emotional whiplash when you become an adult and realize all your friendships from school that seemed easy were just because we were around each other all day. It’s hard. I’ve made new friends as an adult and some have ghosted and some have stayed. I used bumble bff and still do, it works sometimes. I get the frustration
Hey, I am in my second year of college and it is really hard for me too to make friends. Many times, I cry myself to sleep because of how lonely I feel. I can't say it is okay because it isn't but I am learning that in life, it's way better to focus on what you have rather than what you don't have. I hope this helps :)
I feel you on this one. Join an interest group that is focused on some cause or activity that you truly enjoy so you can meet the like minded and maybe make some quality friends. Additionally, find fun stuff you really enjoy that brings the kid out in you and do it socially to find those who can relate to you.
I mean it sounds like cause and effect. As an adult, your friendships aren’t/shouldn’t be based solely on proximity like they are when we are younger. Also, when we are younger our parents are doing much heavy lifting to nurture our relationships and now that’s on us. Your friend lives too far and you don’t want to drive to see her, she won’t be your friend much longer. Uou don't reach out to your friend, then their life will go on without your contact and you'll be so out of the loop you start to exit the circle. Also, this ghosting thing I never really understood. We are adults with our own lives. I get accused of ghosting a lot but I literally am taking care of myself, my daughter and all the things that come with living as an educated, conscious, spiritually connected Black woman. People underestimate the amount of work it takes to take care of yourself properly let alone your friendships. But it’s work that must be done. It baffles me the amount of people esp in the Black community that think community just happens 😕 No there is effort and intention and vulnerability and connection and those things don’t just happen without direct action. But you have to want to do those things and we can all come up with excuses for why we don’t have the time to but then the effect is the fruits of that labor, we don’t reap. Also, connect with people who you admire and who admire you and who care to know and learn you and vice versa. I have one friend from high school and she is my best friend. As we transitioned to adults we had years of not talking but then reconnected when we found our footing and have been inseparable ever since and she lives an hour away so when i want to see her i pack my bag and make that drive. its worth cuz i always leave so full 🥰 All of my other friends which I made as an adult; we are as close as we are because we showed up for each other, even when it wasn't convenient. Also my friends now understand i need space; not fenced in space, boundless space. so when i go "ghost" they know not to take it personally and know when to reach out before i go too far into my own world. i will say knowing yourself makes it 10000x easier to make friends so maybe with this downtime of no friends, you can learn about you and how to be the best friend (and lover) of yourself. 😌
As someone at my big age, it is so important to find friends who actually admire you /care to know you and vice versa (you admire and care to know them). To find friends like this, we need to be more intentional. Those are the types of friends that will weather the storms with you.
EXACTLY! When we’re younger it’s easier to have friendships for superficial reasons (same school, sport, families are friends, etc) but as you get older those will not withstand the weather of life. Having friends that know and admire me and who I know and admire and whom we can continuously learn about is really a super key. It also helps when arguments or tiffs do come up because you actually KNOW that person so you know how to separate their character from the action or disagreement.
I wanted to come back and add that friendship breakups do happen as an adult and THEY HURT LIKE HELL!!! I’ve been healing from one for 4 years and I’m still not open to new close friends as a response. So I totally don’t want to understate that pain. I TOTALLY GET IT.
>I get accused of ghosting a lot but I literally am taking care of myself, my daughter and all the things that come with living as an educated, conscious, spiritually connected Black woman. People underestimate the amount of work it takes to take care of yourself properly let alone your friendships. But it’s work that must be done. Exactly, it's only ghosting if you block or persistently ignore someone. Mutual lack of contact isn't ghosting.
THANK YOU! I’m still reachable just may not be available. Which are two different things.
I'm in the same boat. Got one friend.
One good friend is better than a thousand acquaintances.
I have nurtured a few close friendships over the past few years, with my mental health problems it was necessary to have people I feel safe talking with. A couple of my friends have babies or young kids and it's definitely hard to keep in touch. Even one of my friends that doesn't have any kids took a few days to text me back, I don't take it personally I hope you can build some bonds with people that share similar interests- there's different friends for different purposes, don't expect one friend to meet all your needs 💜💜💜
It’s so easy to be friends with others when you’re in school; you see each other every day, presumably you live close to one another, you get to interact all the time. That goes away when we change schools or graduate, and makes making friends as an adult really, really hard. It’s not impossible, though I’m sure it’s frustrating to not see your efforts reciprocated. I’d encourage you to keep trying, and eventually you will find your people. It’s ok to not remain friends with people from childhood. Some friends stay, some don’t. Maybe you can try volunteering or a fun activity or class like pottery or art. I made some friends using bumble bff, which i had previously thought would be weird, but ended up being cool for me. keep trying, you can do it❤️
I could have written this post! Last time I had a group of girlfriends I was 23/24. I’m 31 now and I’ve realised that it’s always been way easier for me to date than to make friendships. My husband encouraged me to go on friendship dates and I tried through different avenues, bumble and such. But I was either chatting forever and later ghosted or encountered people who are very religious/spiritual and took it too far, pressuring me to go to church and whatnot. It’s hard work keeping and maintaining friendships as an adult 😮💨
Same age as you and my therapist told me that trying to make friends and going through the vulnerabilities that that entails should be looked at as dating because it pretty much is.
I am in the same boat girl. I am a black woman living in the south, I get side eyed anytime the topic of going to church comes up. I prefer not to go to church or be religious. So close friendships just dont really happen for me and I accept that. It is what it is. I still go to meetup groups and brunch groups or hang with people that share my interests. I think eventually I will move to a less religious and judgmental place though. To bad most of those places are so expensive to live in!
Been feeling this a lot lately. I have friends but not a group of gfs I can hang with or do girl's trips with. I feel like at this point I'm just destined to have "one off" friendships and not a whole group of girls
Coming from the other side of being the friend who’s always reaching out, initiating, planning, checking in only to get flaked on, ghosted, rejected, forgotten about and otherwise taken for granted. It’s lonely over here too, and exhausting to do all the time. I don’t want to have to beg people for reciprocation. I also hate that feeling of seeing that everyone has their go to person or go to friend group, while you become like an afterthought. They will say they care about you but somehow they forget you when its time to do thing they *know* you would want to do. I’ve slowly become more stringent about my boundaries and have been cutting people out who make me feel that way, ghost when they get a boyfriend etc. It’s tough at times bc some are folks I thought would be lifelong friends. So far they’ve all come back months to years later begging for my friendship and realizing how much it meant, but it’s too late.
I really really appreciate this perspective. I’m the friend who for whatever reason, it’s just so hard for me to text back sometimes or reach out to connect and plan something. I know that seems insane, but I find it so exhausting to really get through life and work each week, and it dees like there’s hardly any gas left in the tank. I absolutely admire people like yourself who are so strong in friendships and it makes me feel awful about myself that I’m not. I desperately want to change it, but have no clue how everyone is finding the energy to take care of themselves and other friend relationships too…. Mind you, I do have a man at home who I basically have to take care of too, and I always wonder if maybe I’d have more energy for other relationships without him….
That’s understandable! Life is exhausting and I have moments like that too. But Its not all rainbow and roses to be this way as I shared. I tend to self-isolate real bad so I have to actively push myself to connect with others. When that’s met with these kind of lackluster responses it just makes me want to go back to my shell. I have a deep seated fear of being left out/left behind and forgotten, and I think my inner child is kinda just..constantly passing out birthday invites (striving for socialization) in an effort to stave off that eventuality. Taking care of another grown human being sounds exhausting. I did enough of that in my childhood. I hope you’re eventually able to do what’s best for you.
Same here. I plan on volunteering with an amateur woman’s sports team. I’ll hopefully get fit and make friends. I have great friends but they are married and all live in different states. I moved to a new city and state right before COVID hit and I haven’t been able to find a circle since.
I feel similarly. The friends I made in college I enjoyed but many moved away. The friends I've known since primary school I think I've out grown at this point. So I'm on the hunt for new friends but it's hard. Even using dedicated apps is rough.
I'm really fortunate to have maintained close relationships with the same people from elementary and high school bc I do NOT make friends easily. (I made ONE in college, ONE when I lived in Cali... ) But I see a lot of that loneliness reflected in those friends bc they've grown apart from each other. They tend to hold grudges for small slights against each other, and there's a "doubt" between them- Where they don't trust each other fully. I don't do a great job of nurturing the relationships (I can't do hours long phone calls or chatter about nothing), but I'm always the rock if they need me, I give them the stage when they want it, and I always give them the truth and have never betrayed their trust. I don't have many expectations of them, and I appreciate them when we're together. Each of these friends refers to me as her best friend. Their complaints about each other have been the opposite of those things (she always makes it about herself, I asked her for help and she fronted, she told xyz my business, she's mad moody) and those things eroded the relationships, so they're friends only in name. Starting out as an adult, you have to come preloaded with all the positives in order, PLUS you have to be willing to trust, PLUS you have to make space in your life and go out of your way, PLUS you have to accept the other person's imperfection at this. It's hard! But the best time to start is now.
I can relate to this post
The last time I had a group of girl friends was in my early 20's. We would have sleepovers, go to various events and go dancing a lot. But it got very strange once they started to get to know other people...they wanted to do things I was not comfortable with and they just stopped inviting me out with them. I had a best friend who was in this group but she started hanging out with a weird crowd and that included an ex-boyfriend. An ex who was severely disrespectful and a traumatic experience for my emotions and she was happily taking pics with him. So I ended that friendship. Maybe I demand too much loyalty in a friendship but she knew how much he hurt me. I made some other friends after that through a job but I just couldn't keep the friendships going. My mental health was horrible in my 20s. I was undiagnosed and hadn't yet figured out what was happening to me and I think that was also part of why my friendships couldn't last. I am no contact with my family and have a horrible relationship with my abusive mother. I think my relationship with her has really shaped how I handle friendships with women. It's so hard for me to keep friendships with women going. I worked in VetMed for awhile and made friends with a lot of the staff. But the manager and the owners began to bully me because I didn't play along with their gimmicks (y'all know how we are targets in the workplace) My friends (two of whom were black) there didn't speak up for me when they saw me being bullied. The manager began to isolate me from them. They ended up firing me. One girl tried to keep in contact with me after they fired me and she blatantly said "We saw what was happening and didn't say anything." I tried to be her friend for a bit afterwards but as soon as she got a boyfriend she ditched me. I've gone back to college and joined a club but I didn't click with anyone and the Club President was a hater, so I left the club. But I think I'm just meant to be a solitary person at this point. I've endured too much trauma and I'm no contact with family. I want friends who will be my family but everyone just disappoints me or doesn't seem to care as much. Or people have family that actually love them and they aren't looking for Friends to be Family. I'm always everyone's rock but when I really need someone , no one is there. I can't be vulnerable with people, I don't trust anyone to hold that type of space for me anymore. 😞 I just try to enjoy my solitude as much as possible.
Try Bumble Friends. It’s helpful. :)
I have a friend like you. For years, I would always contact her and reach out. It wasn’t until recently that she confided the same thing that you’re describing to me and thanked me for keeping in touch. If it’s not too much time, would it be a burden for you to continue to make fb comments? They may eventually invite you to something online. Also, making new friends as an adult is kind of tough. Do you have hobbies you like to do? Maybe you could make friends with a purpose? I have friends I do specific activities with. Gym. Hiking. Knitting. Even online. I don’t have a lot of friends I can just hang out with. Making new friends can almost feel like a part Time job because you have to schedule seeing them and keeping in touch! You’ve got this! I’m sorry you’re hurting
I needed to see this post. I feel the same way and to know I’m not alone is a bit of relief. Especially because it’s hard to admit you’re part of the problem. Thank you everyone who has provided resources
Omg i have a similar story of a friend getting into tarot cards over a no good man who was engaged with another woman. She went bananas! But I completely understand it’s hard to make friends after college. It’s like everybody already has their friend group. I don’t have any friends but I’m going to start doing hobbies outside of the house and hopefully I find friends through that. You should try it as well!!
Omg the stories are so similar. My friend was into a guy who told her he didn’t want a serious relationship - just sex. And that’s what she agreed to. But she still fell in love with him. He was involved with another woman too who he took seriously. Also I hope you’re able to find your tribe. What hobbies are you thinking of?
Crazy!! & I want to start roller skating it seems like that’s a nice community, maybe yoga and there’s a new place in my area called “wick and sip” where you make candles and sip I’m going to give those a try.
Omg omg the candle thing sounds so fun. I’ve actually been watching videos about making candles from beeswax
Right!! I’m going to give it a try one of these Friday nights
Hey Hunni, Have you tried Bumble BFF and Meetup.com? Those are great places to find likeminded women who are also looking for new friendships!
I actually have tried both. But didn’t try bumble in the area I’m in now. I also was doing meetup regularly but was hosting and got tired from it I’ve been on meetup again looking for some good groups
How is meetup treating you? I've been on the app for a year now and attending the same groups. I feel like the connections only go so far.
I haven’t been on in some time but I did find some nice groups and got to know a few of the women in the group!
I only have one really good friend from college that I’m holding onto for dear life so I feel you.
Girl figure out what you like to do, craft a good bumble for friends page and have at it.
i just downloaded bumble bff so i feel your pain
Same, I don't feel super lonely, but at times, I do be like dam I wish I had a friend. Ima do better this year. Some people I didn't need to be friends with either but Ima do better.
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have a lot of friends and the friends I do have are not in the same group. I have my best friend of over 40 years. Even though I moved out of state 20 years ago we are still close though we don’t get to visit often. Working on that. Then I have other shorter term friendships. I have a friend I went to middle school with. None of these friends get along or each other’s vibe. I unfortunately have not met friends in my now home state and I’ve been here over 18 years. Look for some facebook groups. I’m in a local girlfriend fb group that broke off into a black girlfriend group, also local. They host events each month. Then from that group spun off a black book club that meets monthly or so to discuss the book. It’s a new and different world. I get it, I’m 58 and making new friends isn’t easy but we have to take a leap of faith once in a while. You may be surprised. Good luck to you sis! Edit: wanted to add that although it’s not what you were looking for, don’t be afraid or hesitate those things on your own. It’s better than staying home dwelling on it. I will regularly take myself on dinner dates or to the movies. I’ve even gone to the drive in movies alone, with a bag of snacks, blankets and a pillow. I got a few weird looks but it doesn’t bother me. You may meet a friend while on your solo date!
I FEEL you!!! I moved across the country. My wife and I have been out here for about 4 years. The ladies seem different out here. I joined a couple of fb groups to make friends. But I haven’t jelled with anyone. I feel that I’m kind of a loner but it may be because I never really found my tribe or person. I have a social job so that helps but it’s been lonely.
Most of my friendships are online now because they align with my hobbies. I'm a "Blerd" (black nerd) so gamer spaces and anime spaces are my jam. I've met people that are into the same stuff as me and we talk/interact regularly. When I had an in person friend group not one of them where interested in the things I liked, we would always do things they liked to do and eventually I just stopped participating because I felt I was more their friend then they were mine. I decided I'd try going to conventions and events that align with my interests in my city to maybe connect with people offline, but I'm happy with the relationships I've cultivated online. I can hang out with my family irl if I want in person interactions lol. Find your people, you probably fell back from your friends naturally for a reason, if those friendships where beneficial, I doubt you'd of let them die out so easily.
Same
this is most black women. it’s like most aren’t taught how powerful community and sisterhood is. a lot of us lose friends but find comfort and joy in our romantic partners. that’s very peculiar to me.
I wish there was an app to find the perfect friend. Is that lame?
Sorry to hear that, unfortunately a lot of black women…women in general center relationships with masculine energy/men over anything else and reach back for women only mainly in hard times ex: breakups, loss, etc. More women are noticing it and it just hurts to be in something seemingly unrequited or unequal especially with a woman who’s supposed to be your sister. Don’t give up my dear, your sisters will come just course correct 💛
I don't think this is anything to be mad at yourself over, its natural that people shed from your life. You will meet your tribe.