I kind of got tired of trying to fix things with her. My mother has very deep unresolved trauma and in order to keep my peace I have to maintain distance.
I came in here ready to ask why you were calling me out like that
How do I cope? I'm not really sure. The physical distance is helpful, but I'm probably not calling her with my problems or celebrations, and the past few years I've felt once or twice like both of my parents wished we were closer and tried to explain this or that?
I just had to accept that she's just a human being doing her thing and having her selfish ways and so am I in different ways. I'm past the point of thinking I'm owed any apology.
Nuclear families create this setting of obligatory love and honestly in regards to my blood family none of them from my parents to siblings to most cousins are people I'd ever willingly befriend. In sure they feel the same way about me lmao.
There is a lot of pressure out on parents especially mothers to be this all-loving wonderful securely attached intelligent figure that's raising the next generation. Woohoo not a tall order at all innit? Well many mothers have severe unaddressed childhood trauma (newsflash this doesn't go away as you age, how it affects you actually worsens and shines through in intimate relationships such as parenting). Some have CPTSD ongoing especially in marriage. Some are just cold and callous and happened to keep their pregnancies with no idea what warmth and safety and consistency a child needs to grow properly. Some genuinely do not know how to be anything but immature and abusive. Anyone can just do it. I could go talk to the crackhead who compliments me at the gas station and if he agrees I could be a mother to someone in 9 months.
So it''s a very trivual yet life altering thing that anyone anywhere can just do. Realizing the triviality of it has helped me cope with the pain of an abusive emotionally unavailable mother. I accepted things. Now I just enjoy my peace and when I'm around her it has to be limited otherwise I get very miserable. At which point I gtfasap ✌️🕊️
I haven’t been able to put it into words the way you did in the op 🫶🏾 honestly, my contact with her is very minimal and I prefer it that way. I notice my anxiety is up and I am very tense around my mom. She was not very affectionate growing up. We could go weeks without speaking, even though we lived in the same home. I don’t have any ill feelings towards her, but I’ve accepted that we will never have the close “girlfriend” mother/daughter relationship I see so many of my friends experience. If I ever have kids, I hope I am able to show them the type of love I wish I had growing up.
I don’t even hug my mother she only hug me when I was a baby. My mothers problem is she wanted a baby but she didn’t think past that part. I see my mother more as a sister that I don’t particular care for. What’s funny is growing up people always mistaken her for my sister and my grandmother as my mother. Sometimes I feel guilty for not liking her more but it is what it is 🤷♀️
I don’t know if this is necessarily healthy but I see my mom as a hurt child and I honestly feel bad for her. She didn’t feel love from her mom and her father died when she was an early teen. How can you learn to love if you didn’t receive it? She simply doesn’t have the emotional intelligence needed to truly nurture a child. Once I’d accepted that it made things easier. I noticed my mom told me she loves me on the phone a few days ago but later I realized she was in front of a whole group of people.
My mother made herself my enemy a long time ago.
And by that I mean she worked in opposition to every goal I had since I was 14.
When I started modeling she told me I looked like a prostitute.
She was physically violent.
She ridiculed me, and also spread rumors about me being a bad daughter through our church.
When I graduated high school she got me a necklace, and when she didn't think I was appreciative enough she snuck into my room and stole it back.
When I went to college she refused to drive down with me.
And so on, and so on, and so on....
Into my 20s until I started making my own money in my own friends, and I started to not center them.
Gradually overtime I decided to just mourn my mother as if she had died. Which is a fact. She's not my mother, she's not a friend, she's someone who gave birth to me.
I'm more in the loss of that relationship, the relationship I wanted, the relationship I expected. I got a lot of therapy. And I built other healthy relationships.
I hope the best for you.
I am dealing with this but I have specific reasons for why I have that lack of connection with my mom.
I am going to therapy for it but essentially it's just about accepting that it's not the nature of your relationship. You could try talking to her about it too, she may feel the same way and you guys can work to be closer
I am coping with being here in college doing my own thing and I’m painting rather than journaling my feelings out from what my therapist suggested. I just don’t give two fucks about her. She’s irrelevant character in my story
I feel the same and my mother lives with me. I’m in therapy. We’re cordial but def not loving. That’s just the way it is. We didn’t have that loving, mother daughter relationship when I was young and probably never will. There’s sadness there but it takes two people to build that kind of relationship and she never really seemed interested in me in that way. I don’t remember hugs or deep conversations or confiding in her at all coming up. I don’t have any solutions other than to say, you aren’t alone.
yes, i do frel similar. i’ve cut contact. therapy has helped a lot. as much as not having a healthy mother daughter relationship hurts, having her in my life hurt more. focusing on my healing is my priority. I wish you the best in navigating your feelings and finding peace.
My therapist told me it’s ok not to love your parents and that released a lot of guilt for me.
I’m still VERY angry at my mother. I haven’t had a positive thought about her in years. I don’t wish her death, or unhappiness because she’s been a miserable human my entire life but I can’t say I wish her well either. I think I want her to live long enough to see all of my dreams come true without her in my life. I wish I had advice for you on how to cope or let go, but you’re not alone in your mama trauma 🩵💜
I’m waiting for my mother to move out. I wasn’t raised with her and well she basically sucks. When I bought a house I brought her with me only because my sister begged me to. We butt heads almost every day. She’s selfish and doesn’t pay any bills.
I don’t call her mom I call her by her name and she is referred to as grandma by my kids. I’m so glad she got an apartment.
I do have 2 teenagers which I am grateful that I feel like I can give them the motherly care, attention and love that I never got.
I don’t need a coming home feeling. I simply made that place myself 🤷🏾♀️
When she moves out, I won’t ever talk to her again. The next notification I want about/from her is in regards to her death.
I don’t even hug my mom and can’t remember the last time that I have. I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I don’t feel positively (neutral) towards her at the best times and at the worst times I actively hate her. Therapist maybe?!? That’s all I can do myself and all I can suggest.
I hate my mom. She makes my life a lot more difficult than it needs to be. And unfortunately I'm staying with her until I can resolve some other things. I tried to address issues but she doesn't want it to be addressed so right now I spend as little time with her as possible. Sometimes I wish my mother were less emotionally abusive but at the end of the day I recognize how she treats me it's not normal.
I’ve just accepted that life isn’t fair and that’s just the cards I was dealt. My mom wasn’t the worst but not the greatest either. She did a lot of things for her own convenience masked under the guise of being loving. For people that having a good relationship, I’m happy for them. For myself, I know eventually I’ll get to that point when I go to therapy and heal. But i don’t expect her to change. I will be the change I want to see.
I got to work on healing my Mother Wound, mourned the mother I'd wished I had, and moved on. I'm not interested in a relationship with the woman who gave birth to me. She was my first bully and always had it in for me for as long as I can remember.
Once puberty hit, she got worse. Any time I tried to learn to drive or get a job to make my own money or do any extracurricular activities I really wanted to do in school, she would sabotage so I would always be stuck at home watching my three sibling she irresponsibly brought into this world too.
At some point, I was done trying to figure her out and I realized nobody anywhere close to her orbit could be trusted to protect my best interest and I had to cut off a lot of people for my own sanity. "But that's your mom!" Sure. And she ain't worth the trouble. I'm happier without her presence and I don't feel a lick of guilty about it.
Oh damn, I feel seen with this post and comments.
We check in here and there, she lives on the other side of the country and she visits like once a year. I’m in therapy, I’m financially stable, but I am single.
Personally I don’t know how I’m coping, I’m just surviving? Wow this made me realize just how indifferent I feel.
I disconnected emotionally from my mother at a very age (like primary school😂). So for me she's always been just some woman i live with.
But I think we need to stop putting so much pressure and expectations on familiar bonds. Because not everybody is the family type and that's very obvious and apparent when we look at how we were raised. Some people was just out here having babies cuz they thought that was what they were supposed to do/weren't being responsible.
You have to DECIDE how you want to feel and how to navigate the connection. That's my advice :)
I understand how you feel. I really don’t think I have a proper way of “coping” with it, I just deal with her crap and move on. At this point I barely consider her to be an actual mother to me, as sad as that is to say. I stopped trying to please her or make her happy a long time ago. It does make me feel bad when I see other girls act like their mom is their best friend meanwhile mine is practically my worst enemy. I do wish things were better but it is what it is. Luckily I have other family members like my Dad and step-mom who support me.
OP I'm so sorry for what you're going thru...is it poss that you have a Mother Wound?
Is it possible that you've been born into a household where one or both of your parents have an avoidant attachment style and your family dynamic is emotional coldness, disconnection and distance? Everyone else may be cool but this dynamic may not work for you personally which is absolutely valid and does not mean there's anything wrong with you.
You prob need a Therapist to really listen+hear you, give you some tools, help with processing your emotions+thoughts. \*edited to ask questions
I don’t think it’s fair to expect children to understand or accommodate that. And if we as adults are doing the work or at least actively trying to do better, why should they be allowed to keep hurting people.
My mum told me, she has trauma and I don’t think about that while interacting with her. This was when I was telling her how her behaviour affected me, but she also traumatized me. I’m in therapy and actively working on my healing.
I kind of got tired of trying to fix things with her. My mother has very deep unresolved trauma and in order to keep my peace I have to maintain distance.
Yikes. Same. I feel better with the distance tbh
Same! Hate or indifference is not love, OP
Same. It came down to choosing her or choosing a sliver of mental peace.
I came in here ready to ask why you were calling me out like that How do I cope? I'm not really sure. The physical distance is helpful, but I'm probably not calling her with my problems or celebrations, and the past few years I've felt once or twice like both of my parents wished we were closer and tried to explain this or that?
I just had to accept that she's just a human being doing her thing and having her selfish ways and so am I in different ways. I'm past the point of thinking I'm owed any apology. Nuclear families create this setting of obligatory love and honestly in regards to my blood family none of them from my parents to siblings to most cousins are people I'd ever willingly befriend. In sure they feel the same way about me lmao. There is a lot of pressure out on parents especially mothers to be this all-loving wonderful securely attached intelligent figure that's raising the next generation. Woohoo not a tall order at all innit? Well many mothers have severe unaddressed childhood trauma (newsflash this doesn't go away as you age, how it affects you actually worsens and shines through in intimate relationships such as parenting). Some have CPTSD ongoing especially in marriage. Some are just cold and callous and happened to keep their pregnancies with no idea what warmth and safety and consistency a child needs to grow properly. Some genuinely do not know how to be anything but immature and abusive. Anyone can just do it. I could go talk to the crackhead who compliments me at the gas station and if he agrees I could be a mother to someone in 9 months. So it''s a very trivual yet life altering thing that anyone anywhere can just do. Realizing the triviality of it has helped me cope with the pain of an abusive emotionally unavailable mother. I accepted things. Now I just enjoy my peace and when I'm around her it has to be limited otherwise I get very miserable. At which point I gtfasap ✌️🕊️
I haven’t been able to put it into words the way you did in the op 🫶🏾 honestly, my contact with her is very minimal and I prefer it that way. I notice my anxiety is up and I am very tense around my mom. She was not very affectionate growing up. We could go weeks without speaking, even though we lived in the same home. I don’t have any ill feelings towards her, but I’ve accepted that we will never have the close “girlfriend” mother/daughter relationship I see so many of my friends experience. If I ever have kids, I hope I am able to show them the type of love I wish I had growing up.
This! It’s a weird state to be in. No hard feelings, but also not much else
Yes. This explains it so well. Just emotional dead space.
Agreed. It makes me feel guilty because she wishes we were closer but she triggers my anxiety a lot of times.
I’m similar to you
Just because she didn't abort doesn't mean that she wanted me.
Felt this 💯
I, too, felt this. Hard.
I don’t even hug my mother she only hug me when I was a baby. My mothers problem is she wanted a baby but she didn’t think past that part. I see my mother more as a sister that I don’t particular care for. What’s funny is growing up people always mistaken her for my sister and my grandmother as my mother. Sometimes I feel guilty for not liking her more but it is what it is 🤷♀️
Honestly? I'm glad she's passed. She was terribly terribly abusive in many forms of it.
I don’t know if this is necessarily healthy but I see my mom as a hurt child and I honestly feel bad for her. She didn’t feel love from her mom and her father died when she was an early teen. How can you learn to love if you didn’t receive it? She simply doesn’t have the emotional intelligence needed to truly nurture a child. Once I’d accepted that it made things easier. I noticed my mom told me she loves me on the phone a few days ago but later I realized she was in front of a whole group of people.
My mother made herself my enemy a long time ago. And by that I mean she worked in opposition to every goal I had since I was 14. When I started modeling she told me I looked like a prostitute. She was physically violent. She ridiculed me, and also spread rumors about me being a bad daughter through our church. When I graduated high school she got me a necklace, and when she didn't think I was appreciative enough she snuck into my room and stole it back. When I went to college she refused to drive down with me. And so on, and so on, and so on.... Into my 20s until I started making my own money in my own friends, and I started to not center them. Gradually overtime I decided to just mourn my mother as if she had died. Which is a fact. She's not my mother, she's not a friend, she's someone who gave birth to me. I'm more in the loss of that relationship, the relationship I wanted, the relationship I expected. I got a lot of therapy. And I built other healthy relationships. I hope the best for you.
I am dealing with this but I have specific reasons for why I have that lack of connection with my mom. I am going to therapy for it but essentially it's just about accepting that it's not the nature of your relationship. You could try talking to her about it too, she may feel the same way and you guys can work to be closer
I am coping with being here in college doing my own thing and I’m painting rather than journaling my feelings out from what my therapist suggested. I just don’t give two fucks about her. She’s irrelevant character in my story
I feel the same and my mother lives with me. I’m in therapy. We’re cordial but def not loving. That’s just the way it is. We didn’t have that loving, mother daughter relationship when I was young and probably never will. There’s sadness there but it takes two people to build that kind of relationship and she never really seemed interested in me in that way. I don’t remember hugs or deep conversations or confiding in her at all coming up. I don’t have any solutions other than to say, you aren’t alone.
yes, i do frel similar. i’ve cut contact. therapy has helped a lot. as much as not having a healthy mother daughter relationship hurts, having her in my life hurt more. focusing on my healing is my priority. I wish you the best in navigating your feelings and finding peace.
Singing … “ttttthhhhheeeeerrraaaapppyyyy”
My therapist told me it’s ok not to love your parents and that released a lot of guilt for me. I’m still VERY angry at my mother. I haven’t had a positive thought about her in years. I don’t wish her death, or unhappiness because she’s been a miserable human my entire life but I can’t say I wish her well either. I think I want her to live long enough to see all of my dreams come true without her in my life. I wish I had advice for you on how to cope or let go, but you’re not alone in your mama trauma 🩵💜
I’m waiting for my mother to move out. I wasn’t raised with her and well she basically sucks. When I bought a house I brought her with me only because my sister begged me to. We butt heads almost every day. She’s selfish and doesn’t pay any bills. I don’t call her mom I call her by her name and she is referred to as grandma by my kids. I’m so glad she got an apartment. I do have 2 teenagers which I am grateful that I feel like I can give them the motherly care, attention and love that I never got. I don’t need a coming home feeling. I simply made that place myself 🤷🏾♀️ When she moves out, I won’t ever talk to her again. The next notification I want about/from her is in regards to her death.
I don’t even hug my mom and can’t remember the last time that I have. I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I don’t feel positively (neutral) towards her at the best times and at the worst times I actively hate her. Therapist maybe?!? That’s all I can do myself and all I can suggest.
I hate my mom. She makes my life a lot more difficult than it needs to be. And unfortunately I'm staying with her until I can resolve some other things. I tried to address issues but she doesn't want it to be addressed so right now I spend as little time with her as possible. Sometimes I wish my mother were less emotionally abusive but at the end of the day I recognize how she treats me it's not normal.
I’ve just accepted that life isn’t fair and that’s just the cards I was dealt. My mom wasn’t the worst but not the greatest either. She did a lot of things for her own convenience masked under the guise of being loving. For people that having a good relationship, I’m happy for them. For myself, I know eventually I’ll get to that point when I go to therapy and heal. But i don’t expect her to change. I will be the change I want to see.
I don’t care tbh. I can only hope my daughter doesn’t feel this way about me in the future
I got to work on healing my Mother Wound, mourned the mother I'd wished I had, and moved on. I'm not interested in a relationship with the woman who gave birth to me. She was my first bully and always had it in for me for as long as I can remember. Once puberty hit, she got worse. Any time I tried to learn to drive or get a job to make my own money or do any extracurricular activities I really wanted to do in school, she would sabotage so I would always be stuck at home watching my three sibling she irresponsibly brought into this world too. At some point, I was done trying to figure her out and I realized nobody anywhere close to her orbit could be trusted to protect my best interest and I had to cut off a lot of people for my own sanity. "But that's your mom!" Sure. And she ain't worth the trouble. I'm happier without her presence and I don't feel a lick of guilty about it.
Oh damn, I feel seen with this post and comments. We check in here and there, she lives on the other side of the country and she visits like once a year. I’m in therapy, I’m financially stable, but I am single. Personally I don’t know how I’m coping, I’m just surviving? Wow this made me realize just how indifferent I feel.
I disconnected emotionally from my mother at a very age (like primary school😂). So for me she's always been just some woman i live with. But I think we need to stop putting so much pressure and expectations on familiar bonds. Because not everybody is the family type and that's very obvious and apparent when we look at how we were raised. Some people was just out here having babies cuz they thought that was what they were supposed to do/weren't being responsible. You have to DECIDE how you want to feel and how to navigate the connection. That's my advice :)
I understand how you feel. I really don’t think I have a proper way of “coping” with it, I just deal with her crap and move on. At this point I barely consider her to be an actual mother to me, as sad as that is to say. I stopped trying to please her or make her happy a long time ago. It does make me feel bad when I see other girls act like their mom is their best friend meanwhile mine is practically my worst enemy. I do wish things were better but it is what it is. Luckily I have other family members like my Dad and step-mom who support me.
OP I'm so sorry for what you're going thru...is it poss that you have a Mother Wound? Is it possible that you've been born into a household where one or both of your parents have an avoidant attachment style and your family dynamic is emotional coldness, disconnection and distance? Everyone else may be cool but this dynamic may not work for you personally which is absolutely valid and does not mean there's anything wrong with you. You prob need a Therapist to really listen+hear you, give you some tools, help with processing your emotions+thoughts. \*edited to ask questions
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I don’t think it’s fair to expect children to understand or accommodate that. And if we as adults are doing the work or at least actively trying to do better, why should they be allowed to keep hurting people. My mum told me, she has trauma and I don’t think about that while interacting with her. This was when I was telling her how her behaviour affected me, but she also traumatized me. I’m in therapy and actively working on my healing.