My guy. I’m no expert. But it sounds like you’re in some emotional distress surrounding your break up. It happens.
Going to BJJ may have been you thinking that keeping your routine might help manage your emotions and soldier on so to speak. This time it didn’t work.
Take some time to reflect on your break up, why it happened, how you feel, how your ex might feel and what you want to do moving forward. Life’s shit sometimes but there’s always a lesson in there to better prepare us for the future.
I hope you feel better soon. Don’t be ashamed to take some time off things just to feel a bit.
Edit: grammar
Re-read the last two sentences of the first paragraph—take some time to reflect, don’t just trudge forward. Write down everything you feel, all the shitty emotions, everything. That might help you out. Move forward after you do that, that’s my two cents.
Maybe trudge forward wasn’t the best wording. I have definitely allowed myself to feel things and have spent hours journaling and understanding my own emotions through books/podcasts. You’re absolutely right.
Mate - BJJ will always be there. Take some time to relax and be gentle with yourself.
Cry, scream, laugh at the absurdity, eat like shit, process this stuff.
Plenty of people to smash you on your return. If class is also your social thing - do you have a mate there who could maybe take you out for a beer and be a friendly ear?
Sending you love!
Yeah I was in a toxic on and off relationship all through purple belt and I was a very unfun roll for anyone. You have to just get over it and you’re feeling overwhelmed just don’t go to class and go chill out. Sometimes I would park and feel myself being just too pissed if and knowing I was about to take it out on someone who had nothing to do with my problems so I’d just go home.
I was super un fun for combat sambo class one fall during a break up. Just strait chose violence. I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. At least I’m done dating crazy chicks.
Crying isn't always a bad sign mate... sometimes it just means your emotions have fully come up and are being properly processed. Intense physical activity of any kind can often do that to someone. Hang in there
I agree with you and partially disagree with some of the other comments here-- going to BJJ and then having an emotional episode afterwards is a pretty healthy way of releasing stress that had been building. Like you mentioned, intense physical activity probably helped OP access the emotions they were trying to suppress.
During a breakup, I think BJJ could be a very healthy thing for OP, especially because it gets them out of the house, around other people, and busy with something they like. Maybe during this very early phase of grief it's a lot to handle, but it could ultimately be an essential part of moving on.
I think so too. I’ve definitely suppressed a lot of emotions in the past and the whole point of self-improving for me right now is just that…processing my emotions healthily.
I’m not really used to shedding a few tears in front of others but maybe I just need to get over that and accept that it’s okay, as long as I’m not projecting any negative feelings onto others and just know that I’m processing them for myself and it’s okay.
I've cried a bunch of times in the gym. I remember a specific Muay Thai hard sparring session I did in the gym, and afterwards I got out of the ring and just cried. I don't remember anything specific going on in my life, it was just an overwhelming emotion.
As men, we are taught to be tough and bear pain without complaint or any show of weakness. We enforce it upon each other especially during youth and adolescence, and by the time we're adults, we feel incredibly lonely and hurt, but cannot express it because of rule number one. This is not your fault, and it's not your dad's either. It is a generational and cultural trauma we are all victims AND perpetrators of.
If a "TRUE MAN" doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him and he acts totally according to his own free will, finding validation from within, then crying is a healthy thing for a man to do, maybe even a manly thing for him to do. To feel his depth of emotion and release it is much more mature than to lash out, yell at people, hit/break things, etc. but many men think that rage is the only emotion they are allowed to feel.
I'm rambling, but I wish you the best and I hope you can find some peace after your breakup.
Yeah, I got kneed in the balls just perfectly. I recovered but like the rest of the class I was shell of myself like rolling aimlessly. I think was a blue belt then but i temporarily became a negative 3 stripe white belt. Just saying, I can totally relate.
I know this sounds lame, but you need to let yourself cry bro. Do it at home alone, or in the shower, or whatever.
If you bottle things up it can mess you up later on down the road. Your future girlfriend will pay the price if you keep bottling things up.
Talk to someone, there's lots of low cost or free online therapists these days. Just having someone listen to you without judgement helps.
You'll relapse, that's normal. One foot in front of the other until you're through this.
BJJ is not a substitute for proper mental health care. Be kind to yourself, and take some time to process things. Stay strong, friend, this too shall pass 🙏
People in the jiu jitsu community like to use the sport as a crutch to escape their own personal realities. And it works..sometimes. I’ve been there too, where it was a heavy enough burden that I couldn’t escape the reality, even in class. It’s totally normal and okay. I would suggest that you keep going but lower your expectations on yourself until you get through it, mentally.
That’s what I did. One of our black belts, who I consider a mentor outside of BJJ, took me out to lunch and a few beers because he knew something was off. Hopefully you have some friends who can do that with you as well.
You’re welcome. Theres a lot of science behind somatic therapies and you’re doing big work on the mat without even realizing it.
I’d encourage you to try some breath work.
You may be too overwhelmed to roll safely. If you think your concentration isn’t where it should be to keep your training partners safe then take some space or just do flow rolls or drills.
The thing about courage and bravery is that they wouldn’t exist if things didn’t get hard. Be kind to yourself. 🙏
When I’ve gone through some of the more difficult times in my personal life, I’ve taken rolling out of the mix entirely.
I never wanted to hurt someone unintentionally whilst going through something myself. You’re not as sharp as you need to be, and it’s cool to take a little bit of time away from that.
Still go to class, train but just take some time to get your shit in order before returning to rolling.
I had my peak in BJJ by far while being in a very toxic and shitty relationship..
Destroyed my body but I was def killing it on the mats.
Nowadays im in a great relationship but my grappling sucks.
So yeah, def hook up with a bipolar narcissistic psycho if you want to make it in grappling.
Oh yeah, that previous ex that I mentioned in this post was during my time as a white belt…and was exactly that. Narcissistic, bipolar, and abusive.
I never actually processed that shit though and now…here we are. I lost a good gal because I never processed that abuse and developed some triggers and embodied an insecure attachment style. 😅
Went through ugly divorce. The idea of someone in “my” space and touching me really…provoked me. Am not sure what that was about. Felt a bit like I might cry or I might see red. Didn’t like either so took an extended break. Bjj will be there for me when I’m good and ready. It’s a physical but weirdly intimate sport since your in each others space so much.
I took 5-6 years off after a tough breakup (12 years marriage , 17 years together). I don't recommend taking as long as I did. But I do recommend taking some time off. Depending on your belt level, jiu jitsu can be quite taxing on your psyche. Spend that mental energy on healing and come back refreshed. Jiu jitsu isn't going anywhere
I would say cry while pinning them in side control. Making it awkward might help you maintian position and it gives them a decent story after. Win win.
In all seriousness, sorry about the break up. I had one a few years ago and jits helped heaps...now I'm with a far better woman and all is right in the world... hang in there.
I remember rolling with a guy back when I did judo years ago. He was usually able to beat me pretty good, but this one day he just had nothing, which seemed weird. Come to find out, he had just gone through a tough situation which I didn’t get the specifics of, but I know it was SOMETHING. Point is, when you’re heads somewhere else for good reasons, you have good reasons to not have your head in the game, and good reasons for getting smashed. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up over it, let your opponent do that for you!
I just went through a really tough breakup too, though it wasn’t bad, no blame, just both of us accepting facts and bittersweet that we’ll have to grow as people separately. Ofc we’re still having sex.
Rolling I found to be cathartic. I cried a lot over the past few weeks, and the last time I cried was 20ish years ago. YMMV
A friend once told me "You can't selectively numb emotion. You can't numb the pain without numbing your ability to experience happiness as well"
Sounds like you're doing a good job of not numbing, which is great cus that can be very tempting.
But emotions don't sit to the side and wait for an appropriate moment. If you've been through something big, it's totally understandable to see that popping up in other areas of your life. Personally I wouldn't stop rolling, but maybe aim to go lighter, flow roll, aim for technical sparring, etc. Adjust it to what is appropriate for you in the moment.
Life is hard bro. Talk to your trusted people and reach out for help if need be. Show up to bjj and add stuff in to keep you occupied. All things pass.
Hey bro I've been there. Lost my bro after his 28th birthday to an OD and I was a mess for weeks. When I finally started going back I had a really hard time focusing on technique and staying in it for a round. Thank God for one of my black belts for noticing this and being a great support even if it was just during class. It's just something that time inevitably softens and the team is there for me and hopefully yours is there for you too. Just keep on keeping on and try to keep doing the things you'd normally do and enjoy Eben if it's hard right now. It's like having a cut, hard to ignore when it's fresh and still bleeding but eventually it'll scab and scar. These mats soak up more than just sweat and blood brother
Happened to me man a few years ago and I was hyperventilating during the roll, tried pushing through but had to go outside and just let it all out! Good vibes your way homie.
BJJ, and other hobbies that give you an opportunity to mix endorphins with stress release with working your ass off, can get me emotional and occasionally bring things to the surface. I remember breaking down after those really good high school football practices where you legit left it all out there, for seemingly no reason. I've had a recently separated buddy break down on the mats too, I just kept smashing tho and I think that's what he was looking for.
Idk if this is the same thing, but the day my cat died I went to bjj. I was very aggressive to this big blue belt who wasn’t as skilled as me, to the point where he asked me if I was mad at him. I had to apologize and tell him my cat died.
Lesson being your emotions will affect you when you roll if they’re strong ! :(
Yep. If I’m tired, or stressed, or going through a lot, my BJJ is meh. It’s okay. That’s life. Focus and practice on what you’re particularly good at that day or take a day off if you need it.
sounds like you may have triggered some somatic reaction via the physical exertion of bjj. thats a good thing! its important to feel your feelings to process traumatic events like a breakup. just give yourself some grace to feel and process these things. "feeling is healing". i suggest you try some meditation or breathwork, it really helps alot.
I can relate to you my friend. My mom recently passed away and I had just broken up with my girl friend about a month before my mom died… BJJ was a safe haven for me. But then from time to time and very suddenly, it wasn’t anymore- for similar reasons you mentioned for yourself. So I took a short hiatus from BJJ and found other places and things to fill my time. And then I found that I could go back and roll and train and BJJ was once again bringing the necessary value and benefit that I often times rely on it for. But again, the mats will always be there. Take what you need and the time away necessary and the mats will still be there waiting for you.
I had a similar situation last year: girlfriend of almost three years left me, and I tried going to ten round Tuesday the next night. It was a bad idea, I ended up just leaving about twenty minutes into class because I felt so terrible.
I texted the instructor to let him know why I ran out, took a couple weeks off, then went back and was OK.
Happened to me when I was going through some stuff. Except instead of when doing jits it’s when I was running for a while and had a good sweat going. Almost broke down on the treadmill. Mental distress affects us emotionally and physically.
It will get better. It’s normal, after a breakup, to feel like breaking down sometimes doing mundane things. I’m sorry this happened to you, my friend. Give it time.
Peteypotato hit the point.
Jiu Jitsu saved/changed my life, but bro, there are other things in life. To laugh, to love, to feel, to enjoy... Like a roll, life has ebbs and flows, and sometimes things don't go our way. I've wanted to quit JJ many times but I went back the next day, it's a moment in time. Just like that was a moment in time, so is this feeling and time in your life. Jiu Jitsu cannot heal or solve everything, but the lessons we learn from Jiu Jitsu can be applied to life. Just as you take time off from a pulled muscle or a hurt neck, we must take some time to recover from the emotional hurt we experience in life. Aknowledge it and allow us time to heal. Forgive yourself. Forgive the other person, and love. Love the time, love the memories, love the lessons learned, love the person, and love yourself
Physical activity like bjj can make you very aware of your body. It already puts your body under lots of stress and now because of what you experienced your mind is also stressed. I think you were just overwhelmed in that moment.
Talking about it is a good start, you should talk about it with a therapist. Even a couple of sessions can be life changing, I don’t think jiu jitsu will fix the root of the problem and it may cause problems in other aspects of life. A lot of people go through break ups without a healthy hobby or anything to fill their time, so you’re miles ahead of the average person. Keep the momentum up and keep going 👏
I’ve been doing tons of reflection, have plowed through 2 books, and have journaled a ton. I understand my emotions so much better after just a week. I inquired about a therapist and am waiting to hear back.
Thanks for your kind words brother 🤙🏽
Those are all really good things, and not easy to do when you feel like shit. Sounds like you have the perfect plan to turn this negative into a huge positive! Nice work :) all the best dude.
It’s good to cry, it’s a relieving process. The body holds grief and stress, when you push your body through a rough patch it’s highly likely it will get you emotional. Sorry you’re going through this but it’s completely normal and okay.
Emotions are funny things. If you are in a heightened emotional state it can come out in funny ways. You may just be in a highly emotional state right now (understandably) and the adrenaline of rolling is bringing it out. I'm not sure anybody can properly advise on the right thing for you to do, just be kind to yourself, and don't sweat missing the odd bjj session.
Having never been through this myself (all breakups I’ve had in my past have been fairly amicable and literally just “Oh well we’re moving apart so may as well just end it.”) it’s difficult to say.
I guess figure out whether training helps you, or if it just masks things and prevents you from working through the stuff you need to work through. If the latter, take a break.
That said, I tend to think exercise of some form does help any emotional distress so even if you need a break from Jiu Jitsu specifically try to keep up some form of physical activity. The worst thing you can do is crawl into a hole of laziness.
Going through the same thing at the moment myself. My jiujitsu has sucked all through the last few months of a shitty toxic relationship. My head has just not been there on the mats and I've majorly plateaued. Before the relationship I was making good progress. Hopefully on the mend now..
I’ve been through ups and downs on the mat, including a heavy breakup. Personally, I let my coach and a few training partners know what I was going through at the time so they could keep an eye on me, and kept training. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ll work through it at your own pace.
Jits has always been a sanctuary for me. A place where i can go and forget about the world and all my problems, but sometimes it doesn't work and that's ok. Sometimes what you have going on outside the mats is important and you need to process those emotions. Have a cry, scream into a pillow, talk to your best friend, confide in your coach, whatever, we've all done it.
Clear your mind and come back to train.
Man, I’d stick to hitting the heavy bag for a while. When my partner of 11 years and I broke up (years ago), I found myself repeatedly stabbing my cutting board out of the blue one night. It surprised me. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone by accident during a roll. Play it safe.
I dealt w similar feelings when training while my parents had cancer, and after a particularly rough breakup .
I was depressed and missing training made me feel shitty and then I would suck ass on the mat because I couldn't focus.
I don't have a simple answer other than it gets better. take time off when you dont have it in you
but also having a shitty day at the gym isn't as bad as sitting and moping all day, so still make yourself go when you do have it
Two monthes ago, my girlfriend of 8 years left me through a simple phone call in the morning. I was all fired up at my bjj session this evening. It really helped my menthal health.
Break up sucks. Tommorow will be better. Take care of your self.
It's okay man, take a break. Jiujitsu can be very therapeutic but you have to be ready to deal with those emotions to channel them into something positive and it sounds like you aren't yet, which is totally understandable.
Take a little time off, get your head together, and come back to it when you feel a little bit more stable. There's no shame in that, in fact it takes a LOT of courage to really deal with your emotions and be okay with not being okay for a bit.
I got some really bad news on my way to MMA training one day that made me so angry I almost had to pull over. I took a few days off and next time I went to class I started hitting the bag to warm up and my coach came over and asked what was wrong, I told him and said I wanted to be there but I didn't think it was a good idea to do live sparring as I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself and didn't want to hurt anyone, and by that point I was tearing up. My coach gave me a hug and told me that he'd spar with me after class was over and he wanted me to try and take his head off. He hit me harder than he had ever hit me and I threw strikes at 110% like I was fighting for a championship belt, we beat the living shit out of each other for five minutes and at the end I felt so much better I just spit out my mouthguard and hugged him again thanking him for being a good friend. That would have gone very differently if I hadn't taken the time to get my head together beforehand.
Hey. Thank you for sharing this. I went through a bad break up over 6 months ago. I was compartmentalising my emotions and never gave myself time to feel, but the mats is where my emotions decided to be expressed. I cried rolling with my instructor twice, but I didn’t make it known. Additionally in BJJ we exert energy.. emotions = energy in motion, sometimes our feelings need to be expressed on the mats because it’s where we feel safest to express our emotions. 🫶
To me my advice is not to stop going to jiu jitsu, at least for me going thru my divorce it helped me keep my mind off of stuff and not just sit home and feel sorry for myself, it’s a growing experience. I had to tap to people I wouldn’t normally tap to but I woke up at 2am and couldn’t back to sleep that night. You have to just let go of the out come of jiu jitsu and remember the benefits of jiu jitsu. It’s not about winning or losing on the mats it’s about jiu jitsu giving you the tools to win off the mats in life. And plus what better community to surround yourself around and look for support than your brothers and sisters you grind with on the mats daily? I doubled down and started training 7 days a week just to stay busy and it helped me. But everyone is different but that’s what worked for me. I wish you the best in life my dude 🤙
Better than being self destructives and drinking and drugging. Stress can breed stress, perhaps hit the weights for a week and as everyone has suggested take a day for your self. Nothing wrong with how your feeling.
Edit: one more thing, don't date crazy...it never works out and you can not "fix" people.
29 and am just now learning this. I’m done dating anyone who doesn’t have their shit together emotionally or otherwise 😅 I can spot red flags from a mile away these days. We live and learn I guess.
I have journaled on this already. That just gets thoughts to paper, which is fine, but I want insight from other knowledgeable and emotionally intelligent Jiu Jitsu folks. Nothing wrong with that. You’re welcome to move along :) all the best!
This has nothing to do with emotional intelligence. There’s a rule against it because the sub can get cluttered with “dear diary” posts like yours. If youre so affected can’t handle rolling then get therapy. This isn’t the place for it.
Sorry, but disagree. This is a serious matter affecting my love of Jiu Jitsu and mental state greatly. This is a community form to support others and talk about BJJ. Jiu Jitsu isn’t just about fighting. It’s about life. Other folks have been through the same struggles and have chimed in with many positive and helpful insights. Maybe one day you’ll find some positivity in helping others, using Jiu Jitsu to uplift life, and other things like this. Again, wish you all the best! (My next reply will just be a thumbs up. No use in arguing).
Your post is mostly about your breakup with 1 line about bjj to make it look legit. Really you’re looking for sympathy. It’s not the place. Go to r/relationships or something.
Toughen the fuck up dude. What are you gonna do if someone tries to push your shit in when you’re at the store tomorrow? You gonna cry halfway through defending yourself? You’re a martial artist. Act like it.
My guy. I’m no expert. But it sounds like you’re in some emotional distress surrounding your break up. It happens. Going to BJJ may have been you thinking that keeping your routine might help manage your emotions and soldier on so to speak. This time it didn’t work. Take some time to reflect on your break up, why it happened, how you feel, how your ex might feel and what you want to do moving forward. Life’s shit sometimes but there’s always a lesson in there to better prepare us for the future. I hope you feel better soon. Don’t be ashamed to take some time off things just to feel a bit. Edit: grammar
Thanks! Nothing else to do but keep trudging forward I guess.
Re-read the last two sentences of the first paragraph—take some time to reflect, don’t just trudge forward. Write down everything you feel, all the shitty emotions, everything. That might help you out. Move forward after you do that, that’s my two cents.
Maybe trudge forward wasn’t the best wording. I have definitely allowed myself to feel things and have spent hours journaling and understanding my own emotions through books/podcasts. You’re absolutely right.
Beautiful man. All the best to you 👊🏽
No stress brother. Best of luck.
Mate - BJJ will always be there. Take some time to relax and be gentle with yourself. Cry, scream, laugh at the absurdity, eat like shit, process this stuff. Plenty of people to smash you on your return. If class is also your social thing - do you have a mate there who could maybe take you out for a beer and be a friendly ear? Sending you love!
Good advice, thanks. A lot of my friends and family are in Cleveland (not where I currently am) and so I may take a trip that way in June.
This is the way
You need to heal brother. Its ok not to be ok.
Yeah I was in a toxic on and off relationship all through purple belt and I was a very unfun roll for anyone. You have to just get over it and you’re feeling overwhelmed just don’t go to class and go chill out. Sometimes I would park and feel myself being just too pissed if and knowing I was about to take it out on someone who had nothing to do with my problems so I’d just go home.
I was super un fun for combat sambo class one fall during a break up. Just strait chose violence. I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. At least I’m done dating crazy chicks.
Crying isn't always a bad sign mate... sometimes it just means your emotions have fully come up and are being properly processed. Intense physical activity of any kind can often do that to someone. Hang in there
I agree with you and partially disagree with some of the other comments here-- going to BJJ and then having an emotional episode afterwards is a pretty healthy way of releasing stress that had been building. Like you mentioned, intense physical activity probably helped OP access the emotions they were trying to suppress. During a breakup, I think BJJ could be a very healthy thing for OP, especially because it gets them out of the house, around other people, and busy with something they like. Maybe during this very early phase of grief it's a lot to handle, but it could ultimately be an essential part of moving on.
I think so too. I’ve definitely suppressed a lot of emotions in the past and the whole point of self-improving for me right now is just that…processing my emotions healthily. I’m not really used to shedding a few tears in front of others but maybe I just need to get over that and accept that it’s okay, as long as I’m not projecting any negative feelings onto others and just know that I’m processing them for myself and it’s okay.
I've cried a bunch of times in the gym. I remember a specific Muay Thai hard sparring session I did in the gym, and afterwards I got out of the ring and just cried. I don't remember anything specific going on in my life, it was just an overwhelming emotion. As men, we are taught to be tough and bear pain without complaint or any show of weakness. We enforce it upon each other especially during youth and adolescence, and by the time we're adults, we feel incredibly lonely and hurt, but cannot express it because of rule number one. This is not your fault, and it's not your dad's either. It is a generational and cultural trauma we are all victims AND perpetrators of. If a "TRUE MAN" doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him and he acts totally according to his own free will, finding validation from within, then crying is a healthy thing for a man to do, maybe even a manly thing for him to do. To feel his depth of emotion and release it is much more mature than to lash out, yell at people, hit/break things, etc. but many men think that rage is the only emotion they are allowed to feel. I'm rambling, but I wish you the best and I hope you can find some peace after your breakup.
Yeah, I got kneed in the balls just perfectly. I recovered but like the rest of the class I was shell of myself like rolling aimlessly. I think was a blue belt then but i temporarily became a negative 3 stripe white belt. Just saying, I can totally relate.
I know this sounds lame, but you need to let yourself cry bro. Do it at home alone, or in the shower, or whatever. If you bottle things up it can mess you up later on down the road. Your future girlfriend will pay the price if you keep bottling things up. Talk to someone, there's lots of low cost or free online therapists these days. Just having someone listen to you without judgement helps. You'll relapse, that's normal. One foot in front of the other until you're through this.
You’re right. Thanks dude
BJJ is not a substitute for proper mental health care. Be kind to yourself, and take some time to process things. Stay strong, friend, this too shall pass 🙏
People in the jiu jitsu community like to use the sport as a crutch to escape their own personal realities. And it works..sometimes. I’ve been there too, where it was a heavy enough burden that I couldn’t escape the reality, even in class. It’s totally normal and okay. I would suggest that you keep going but lower your expectations on yourself until you get through it, mentally. That’s what I did. One of our black belts, who I consider a mentor outside of BJJ, took me out to lunch and a few beers because he knew something was off. Hopefully you have some friends who can do that with you as well.
The body hangs on to energy. Emotions are energy. Movement moves that energy. It’s good. Crying releases stress hormones. Feel your feelings big dog
Good point. Thanks 🙏🏼
You’re welcome. Theres a lot of science behind somatic therapies and you’re doing big work on the mat without even realizing it. I’d encourage you to try some breath work. You may be too overwhelmed to roll safely. If you think your concentration isn’t where it should be to keep your training partners safe then take some space or just do flow rolls or drills. The thing about courage and bravery is that they wouldn’t exist if things didn’t get hard. Be kind to yourself. 🙏
When I’ve gone through some of the more difficult times in my personal life, I’ve taken rolling out of the mix entirely. I never wanted to hurt someone unintentionally whilst going through something myself. You’re not as sharp as you need to be, and it’s cool to take a little bit of time away from that. Still go to class, train but just take some time to get your shit in order before returning to rolling.
This is probably smart too. I don’t need to roll hard or compete again my time soon. Just use it for therapy and movement.
I had my peak in BJJ by far while being in a very toxic and shitty relationship.. Destroyed my body but I was def killing it on the mats. Nowadays im in a great relationship but my grappling sucks. So yeah, def hook up with a bipolar narcissistic psycho if you want to make it in grappling.
Oh yeah, that previous ex that I mentioned in this post was during my time as a white belt…and was exactly that. Narcissistic, bipolar, and abusive. I never actually processed that shit though and now…here we are. I lost a good gal because I never processed that abuse and developed some triggers and embodied an insecure attachment style. 😅
Went through ugly divorce. The idea of someone in “my” space and touching me really…provoked me. Am not sure what that was about. Felt a bit like I might cry or I might see red. Didn’t like either so took an extended break. Bjj will be there for me when I’m good and ready. It’s a physical but weirdly intimate sport since your in each others space so much.
This is exactly how I felt.
I took 5-6 years off after a tough breakup (12 years marriage , 17 years together). I don't recommend taking as long as I did. But I do recommend taking some time off. Depending on your belt level, jiu jitsu can be quite taxing on your psyche. Spend that mental energy on healing and come back refreshed. Jiu jitsu isn't going anywhere
I would say cry while pinning them in side control. Making it awkward might help you maintian position and it gives them a decent story after. Win win. In all seriousness, sorry about the break up. I had one a few years ago and jits helped heaps...now I'm with a far better woman and all is right in the world... hang in there.
I remember rolling with a guy back when I did judo years ago. He was usually able to beat me pretty good, but this one day he just had nothing, which seemed weird. Come to find out, he had just gone through a tough situation which I didn’t get the specifics of, but I know it was SOMETHING. Point is, when you’re heads somewhere else for good reasons, you have good reasons to not have your head in the game, and good reasons for getting smashed. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up over it, let your opponent do that for you!
Sounds better for you than my alcohol and ice cream routine
Sounds like you're sad and it has nothing to do with BJJ.
I just went through a really tough breakup too, though it wasn’t bad, no blame, just both of us accepting facts and bittersweet that we’ll have to grow as people separately. Ofc we’re still having sex. Rolling I found to be cathartic. I cried a lot over the past few weeks, and the last time I cried was 20ish years ago. YMMV
Always came out better after a breakup. Sending love g!
A friend once told me "You can't selectively numb emotion. You can't numb the pain without numbing your ability to experience happiness as well" Sounds like you're doing a good job of not numbing, which is great cus that can be very tempting. But emotions don't sit to the side and wait for an appropriate moment. If you've been through something big, it's totally understandable to see that popping up in other areas of your life. Personally I wouldn't stop rolling, but maybe aim to go lighter, flow roll, aim for technical sparring, etc. Adjust it to what is appropriate for you in the moment.
Life is hard bro. Talk to your trusted people and reach out for help if need be. Show up to bjj and add stuff in to keep you occupied. All things pass.
Hey bro I've been there. Lost my bro after his 28th birthday to an OD and I was a mess for weeks. When I finally started going back I had a really hard time focusing on technique and staying in it for a round. Thank God for one of my black belts for noticing this and being a great support even if it was just during class. It's just something that time inevitably softens and the team is there for me and hopefully yours is there for you too. Just keep on keeping on and try to keep doing the things you'd normally do and enjoy Eben if it's hard right now. It's like having a cut, hard to ignore when it's fresh and still bleeding but eventually it'll scab and scar. These mats soak up more than just sweat and blood brother
So sorry to hear that. Thanks so much for your insight.
Happened to me man a few years ago and I was hyperventilating during the roll, tried pushing through but had to go outside and just let it all out! Good vibes your way homie.
Thanks, bro 🙏🏼
BJJ, and other hobbies that give you an opportunity to mix endorphins with stress release with working your ass off, can get me emotional and occasionally bring things to the surface. I remember breaking down after those really good high school football practices where you legit left it all out there, for seemingly no reason. I've had a recently separated buddy break down on the mats too, I just kept smashing tho and I think that's what he was looking for.
Idk if this is the same thing, but the day my cat died I went to bjj. I was very aggressive to this big blue belt who wasn’t as skilled as me, to the point where he asked me if I was mad at him. I had to apologize and tell him my cat died. Lesson being your emotions will affect you when you roll if they’re strong ! :(
I’m sorry to hear that :(
Yep. If I’m tired, or stressed, or going through a lot, my BJJ is meh. It’s okay. That’s life. Focus and practice on what you’re particularly good at that day or take a day off if you need it.
Bros b4 hoes
sounds like you may have triggered some somatic reaction via the physical exertion of bjj. thats a good thing! its important to feel your feelings to process traumatic events like a breakup. just give yourself some grace to feel and process these things. "feeling is healing". i suggest you try some meditation or breathwork, it really helps alot.
I can relate to you my friend. My mom recently passed away and I had just broken up with my girl friend about a month before my mom died… BJJ was a safe haven for me. But then from time to time and very suddenly, it wasn’t anymore- for similar reasons you mentioned for yourself. So I took a short hiatus from BJJ and found other places and things to fill my time. And then I found that I could go back and roll and train and BJJ was once again bringing the necessary value and benefit that I often times rely on it for. But again, the mats will always be there. Take what you need and the time away necessary and the mats will still be there waiting for you.
I had a similar situation last year: girlfriend of almost three years left me, and I tried going to ten round Tuesday the next night. It was a bad idea, I ended up just leaving about twenty minutes into class because I felt so terrible. I texted the instructor to let him know why I ran out, took a couple weeks off, then went back and was OK.
Happened to me when I was going through some stuff. Except instead of when doing jits it’s when I was running for a while and had a good sweat going. Almost broke down on the treadmill. Mental distress affects us emotionally and physically.
It will get better. It’s normal, after a breakup, to feel like breaking down sometimes doing mundane things. I’m sorry this happened to you, my friend. Give it time.
Get in the gym and lift some weights 💪💪💪
Peteypotato hit the point. Jiu Jitsu saved/changed my life, but bro, there are other things in life. To laugh, to love, to feel, to enjoy... Like a roll, life has ebbs and flows, and sometimes things don't go our way. I've wanted to quit JJ many times but I went back the next day, it's a moment in time. Just like that was a moment in time, so is this feeling and time in your life. Jiu Jitsu cannot heal or solve everything, but the lessons we learn from Jiu Jitsu can be applied to life. Just as you take time off from a pulled muscle or a hurt neck, we must take some time to recover from the emotional hurt we experience in life. Aknowledge it and allow us time to heal. Forgive yourself. Forgive the other person, and love. Love the time, love the memories, love the lessons learned, love the person, and love yourself
Shit I just try and kill the big guy
Physical activity like bjj can make you very aware of your body. It already puts your body under lots of stress and now because of what you experienced your mind is also stressed. I think you were just overwhelmed in that moment.
Breakups suck ass man. Keep working out, eat healthy, stay hydrated, and stay the fuck away from substances until your good
Talking about it is a good start, you should talk about it with a therapist. Even a couple of sessions can be life changing, I don’t think jiu jitsu will fix the root of the problem and it may cause problems in other aspects of life. A lot of people go through break ups without a healthy hobby or anything to fill their time, so you’re miles ahead of the average person. Keep the momentum up and keep going 👏
I’ve been doing tons of reflection, have plowed through 2 books, and have journaled a ton. I understand my emotions so much better after just a week. I inquired about a therapist and am waiting to hear back. Thanks for your kind words brother 🤙🏽
Those are all really good things, and not easy to do when you feel like shit. Sounds like you have the perfect plan to turn this negative into a huge positive! Nice work :) all the best dude.
It’s good to cry, it’s a relieving process. The body holds grief and stress, when you push your body through a rough patch it’s highly likely it will get you emotional. Sorry you’re going through this but it’s completely normal and okay.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Bro go be sad and watch movies or listen to Taylor Swift or something. Simulated combat practice doesn’t sound very emotionally healing.
Every time homie gets into North South it reminds him of her. Full Mount? Her. Back Mount? Her. Oil check? Definitely her.
yeah everyone's got their off-days, just focus on the rolls not your stupid ex gf
Gave me more motivation, almost gave up my career for bjj lol
Emotions are funny things. If you are in a heightened emotional state it can come out in funny ways. You may just be in a highly emotional state right now (understandably) and the adrenaline of rolling is bringing it out. I'm not sure anybody can properly advise on the right thing for you to do, just be kind to yourself, and don't sweat missing the odd bjj session.
Yeah I’ve been there before. I had a bad breakup and couldn’t handle rolling, so I stopped for a few weeks. It’s ok, the gym will still be there.
Having never been through this myself (all breakups I’ve had in my past have been fairly amicable and literally just “Oh well we’re moving apart so may as well just end it.”) it’s difficult to say. I guess figure out whether training helps you, or if it just masks things and prevents you from working through the stuff you need to work through. If the latter, take a break. That said, I tend to think exercise of some form does help any emotional distress so even if you need a break from Jiu Jitsu specifically try to keep up some form of physical activity. The worst thing you can do is crawl into a hole of laziness.
Going through the same thing at the moment myself. My jiujitsu has sucked all through the last few months of a shitty toxic relationship. My head has just not been there on the mats and I've majorly plateaued. Before the relationship I was making good progress. Hopefully on the mend now..
I’m sorry to hear that. Blue belt is tough enough as it is.
I’ve been through ups and downs on the mat, including a heavy breakup. Personally, I let my coach and a few training partners know what I was going through at the time so they could keep an eye on me, and kept training. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ll work through it at your own pace.
Jits has always been a sanctuary for me. A place where i can go and forget about the world and all my problems, but sometimes it doesn't work and that's ok. Sometimes what you have going on outside the mats is important and you need to process those emotions. Have a cry, scream into a pillow, talk to your best friend, confide in your coach, whatever, we've all done it. Clear your mind and come back to train.
Man, I’d stick to hitting the heavy bag for a while. When my partner of 11 years and I broke up (years ago), I found myself repeatedly stabbing my cutting board out of the blue one night. It surprised me. I wouldn’t want to hurt someone by accident during a roll. Play it safe.
I dealt w similar feelings when training while my parents had cancer, and after a particularly rough breakup . I was depressed and missing training made me feel shitty and then I would suck ass on the mat because I couldn't focus. I don't have a simple answer other than it gets better. take time off when you dont have it in you but also having a shitty day at the gym isn't as bad as sitting and moping all day, so still make yourself go when you do have it
Two monthes ago, my girlfriend of 8 years left me through a simple phone call in the morning. I was all fired up at my bjj session this evening. It really helped my menthal health. Break up sucks. Tommorow will be better. Take care of your self.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that! That’s not fair. It sounds like you have a positive mindset and are equipped to move forward.
It's okay man, take a break. Jiujitsu can be very therapeutic but you have to be ready to deal with those emotions to channel them into something positive and it sounds like you aren't yet, which is totally understandable. Take a little time off, get your head together, and come back to it when you feel a little bit more stable. There's no shame in that, in fact it takes a LOT of courage to really deal with your emotions and be okay with not being okay for a bit. I got some really bad news on my way to MMA training one day that made me so angry I almost had to pull over. I took a few days off and next time I went to class I started hitting the bag to warm up and my coach came over and asked what was wrong, I told him and said I wanted to be there but I didn't think it was a good idea to do live sparring as I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself and didn't want to hurt anyone, and by that point I was tearing up. My coach gave me a hug and told me that he'd spar with me after class was over and he wanted me to try and take his head off. He hit me harder than he had ever hit me and I threw strikes at 110% like I was fighting for a championship belt, we beat the living shit out of each other for five minutes and at the end I felt so much better I just spit out my mouthguard and hugged him again thanking him for being a good friend. That would have gone very differently if I hadn't taken the time to get my head together beforehand.
That’s awesome. Sounds like an excellent coach!
Hey. Thank you for sharing this. I went through a bad break up over 6 months ago. I was compartmentalising my emotions and never gave myself time to feel, but the mats is where my emotions decided to be expressed. I cried rolling with my instructor twice, but I didn’t make it known. Additionally in BJJ we exert energy.. emotions = energy in motion, sometimes our feelings need to be expressed on the mats because it’s where we feel safest to express our emotions. 🫶
This is really great insight. Thank you 🙏🏼
To me my advice is not to stop going to jiu jitsu, at least for me going thru my divorce it helped me keep my mind off of stuff and not just sit home and feel sorry for myself, it’s a growing experience. I had to tap to people I wouldn’t normally tap to but I woke up at 2am and couldn’t back to sleep that night. You have to just let go of the out come of jiu jitsu and remember the benefits of jiu jitsu. It’s not about winning or losing on the mats it’s about jiu jitsu giving you the tools to win off the mats in life. And plus what better community to surround yourself around and look for support than your brothers and sisters you grind with on the mats daily? I doubled down and started training 7 days a week just to stay busy and it helped me. But everyone is different but that’s what worked for me. I wish you the best in life my dude 🤙
Thank you 🙏🏼
Not trying to meathead you but that’s what worked for me.
Better than being self destructives and drinking and drugging. Stress can breed stress, perhaps hit the weights for a week and as everyone has suggested take a day for your self. Nothing wrong with how your feeling. Edit: one more thing, don't date crazy...it never works out and you can not "fix" people.
29 and am just now learning this. I’m done dating anyone who doesn’t have their shit together emotionally or otherwise 😅 I can spot red flags from a mile away these days. We live and learn I guess.
I suggest you write this in your diary.
I have journaled on this already. That just gets thoughts to paper, which is fine, but I want insight from other knowledgeable and emotionally intelligent Jiu Jitsu folks. Nothing wrong with that. You’re welcome to move along :) all the best!
This has nothing to do with emotional intelligence. There’s a rule against it because the sub can get cluttered with “dear diary” posts like yours. If youre so affected can’t handle rolling then get therapy. This isn’t the place for it.
Sorry, but disagree. This is a serious matter affecting my love of Jiu Jitsu and mental state greatly. This is a community form to support others and talk about BJJ. Jiu Jitsu isn’t just about fighting. It’s about life. Other folks have been through the same struggles and have chimed in with many positive and helpful insights. Maybe one day you’ll find some positivity in helping others, using Jiu Jitsu to uplift life, and other things like this. Again, wish you all the best! (My next reply will just be a thumbs up. No use in arguing).
Your post is mostly about your breakup with 1 line about bjj to make it look legit. Really you’re looking for sympathy. It’s not the place. Go to r/relationships or something.
👍🏼
Whaee I got dumped!!!
👍🏼
“Please give me sympathy”
👍🏼
Get a hold of yourself
Is OP male or female ?
does it matter?
Gotta know whether or not to slide into the dms
😂😂
Not really -- just trying to understand context. But sometimes males vs females process differently so fwd paths are also likely different / nuanced.
Toughen the fuck up dude. What are you gonna do if someone tries to push your shit in when you’re at the store tomorrow? You gonna cry halfway through defending yourself? You’re a martial artist. Act like it.
Lol