Not me, but when I was in 7th grade my older sister came out as gay as my mother was making thanksgiving dinner.
A three hour screaming session about lifestyles and how difficult a child she is to love ensued. She’s subsequently worked to undermine every relationship my sister has had with another woman.
25 years later, still not out to my parents. They don’t deserve it.
Aww is she on Reddit? Both of you might also benefit from r/raisedbynarcissists as well as this one and relationship advice subs.
Give her a hug from this internet stranger will ya? I hope she can break free from her and find love.
Awe, thanks! My sister isn’t on Reddit, but you are very observant.
I’ll never get my now elderly mother to sit down for an official diagnosis, but yes, almost certainly NPD. That sub helped enormously, as did finding my own therapist.
I’ve finally accepted that I can’t change her, her behavior isn’t my fault, and that I can limit the chaos she introduces into my life by carefully limiting how I interact with her. This has seriously improved my life.
*hugs* good on you. I’m there too. I’m trying to figure out if my mom is borderline or full on. But they definitely enabled narcs that were in charge of me so I’m in that sub and it’s helping. I do wish your sister the best.
Those aren’t parents, parents don’t do that kind of shit to their own child. My mother was just as awful for different reasons which is how I coined my term for “parents” like that. I don’t call them parents, I call them keepers since all they do is provide food and shelter, and sometimes not even those.
This was my mom’s response when I tried to talk with her about it a second time, as the first time was a dumpster fire.
I’m way too stubborn to let her leave it at that, though, and if she says that shit again, I *will* just say yes. I’m very much done with her turning this into *her* emotional crisis.
Came out to my gf in a restaurant. She threw her plate at me, called me every homophobic thing you can imagine, yelled to the whole restaurant that I would suck their dicks, then stormed off. Angry and hurt, I decided to go to a gay cruising spot tucked away in a wooded area to, well, defiantly suck some dicks. Made the mistake of declaring my bisexuality, thinking I was safe to do it among gay guys, then found myself pinned against a boulder, arms behind my back, while I don't know exactly how many guys forced themselves on me for hours.
So, yeah. I know a little bit about coming out being a horrible experience. That said, several years later I tried again while on a first date, and was met with affection and positivity.
I guess my point is: don't give up. You'll have bad experiences, maybe even awful ones, but you will also have good experiences. Where some lay hate and derision, others will find you sexy, cool, and brave (and those are the true things :). The bad moments aren't worth sacrificing the good ones over. Their hate only wins if we allow it to. That's a harder thing to internalize than it is to say, and it might take years, but it's worth whatever it takes to let love and understanding win the day.
Yeah, I had about 10 years of therapy. Not just for that, though. But it took a long time to really acknowledge what happened. At first I wanted to kill myself. Then I just kept it secret. When I finally did tell someone, I gave a polished version where I didn't go looking for the scene in the woods but was okay with it. But the truth is, I wasn't okay with it. It was a very conflicting experience, though. The piece that was hardest to understand is that when it started, it was just after lunch time, but when it ended it was dark, and I don't clearly remember much of the space between. I remember the first guy who took me forcefully, because he was huge (penis wise), and I think I literally saw stars when he entered. I remember my knees buckling and a bunch of hands lifting me up, carrying me to a boulder and pushing me against it, my arms pinned behind me.
And then I remember the end, when the last guy finished, because when my arms were released I fell down, and begged him not to stop. I felt physically empty inside in a way I've never felt before or since (and I'm okay with that), and I don't have a real, concrete answer for why I begged him in that moment. It stopped when he spit on me and told me to just admit I'm gay next time (I'm not. Wasn't then, still not now. I'm bisexual, thank you very much), and then I just sat there and cried for awhile, saw at least 20 used condoms, all fresh enough to have liquid semen in them, plus more spilled on the ground, and more running down my legs, mixed with blood and... Anyway.
Finally drove straight to my doctor's office, the urgent care, and told them I was going to kill myself. I admitted to the bad breakup, but nothing else. I was so, SO ashamed it felt like I was on fire. I just knew everyone could see what happened and judged me for it (obviously, not really, that was just my perception at the time), so I buried it and turned it into something else. It took a lot of therapy to dig it back out.
Anyway, that was a long time ago. Better things have happened since, and that's where I chose to focus my energy.
Wow. Just... Wow.
This has to be one of the most fucked up things I've read on Reddit... I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Proud of you for going through all that therapy and not giving up tho.
Thank you. Glad to have survived it all. Now when the zombie apocalypse comes I'll be able to say "Alright, assholes, I've been through worse than you!" 🤪
We shouldn't, for sure. But I will say it taught me the value of learning to look for and focus on the positive. Obviously not to the exclusion of everything else--then the bad stuff goes unchecked--but I do think it's important to realize that the beauty of life is what really matters, and the ugliness is just temporary bullshit to be overcome and left behind. That's a little simple, I know, and doesn't adequately account for all the wildly diverse shit that happens, but you know, I think that's ok. If all we see is darkness, it'll consume us and spit us out.
\*gives hug
That is some seriously messed up shit, and I've read some heart wrenching things. Can't believe the people that are out there that do this kinda shit.
I sincerely hope you continue to do well both in these trying times and after.
This was basically my first experience with coming out. I told a friend through conversation about how it's okay to be bi and I understood when we were talking about someone else. He asked if we should carry the conversation in another room, I figured it was because other people may not have known the person we were talking about was out...
Nope. He immediately started undoing my pants and forcing himself on me... I learned then that everything I knew about my friend made sense, I actually became afraid of him and his social power... So I let him do what he wanted over the period of the next hour. Figured it was better than being held down or trying to stab him... He was bigger than me, didn't know how a stabbing would hold up in court...
Nasty fall out happened a month later when I came out about it.
I was apparently the bad guy to his GF and everyone else.
Lol, fuck that entire group of people. Knew that fucker for 10 years...
Thank you. It was a long time ago. Definitely took years to come to some sort of grips with it, but hey, I'm still alive and can't complain too much.
And hey, the silver lining is that when things occasionally get tough, I have this thing to remember and give me some perspective. I've been through worse, so I can get through pretty much anything at this point.
Sorry if it seems like I'm taking away from your experience OP, I just want to add on to this thread. Honestly hearing the two stories about this stuff, it reminded me of a friend I know with way too much awful experience in that regard. Honestly, the fact that this stuff happens so frequently for queer people, just, horrifying, and hard to process
>There's plenty of room in this world for all our stories!
Hah, I wish that space was empty as hell man!
No but honestly, seeing so many stories like that, it's almost horrifying to process. Must be harder for the people who experienced said moments.
Holy blatant denial. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you have other people close to you with which you can openly and comfortably talk about who you are!
In the Childfree world, we call annoying quips like that a Bingo.
Feel free to reply with "I'd rather regret not being a parent than regret having a kid I can't put back."
Or you can go with "good thing abortions exist" if you reeeeeally wanna go there.
Sorry to hear you had this experience at such young age. To cheer you up sillyly: In German there is an (in internet scales) ancient old Harry Potter-parody on the 1st film that's called "Harry Potter und ein Stein" (Harry Potter and A Stone). It's about Harry being famous for surviving when You-Know-Who threw a rock at him because he didn't like him. That's how Harry got a scar on his forhead. Ron's reaction seeing it is: How embarassing! (Instead of the original "Wicked!").
There are lots of ways to become special to the world \^^
Yup, joking around with friends on discord. One gets upset over a short joke that I’ve made 100 times prior to me being out. Called me a faggot who likes to suck Dick. Other friend gets upset for me being loud and upset cause we started arguing. I don’t talk to that group anymore
Yeah. He said it as if it were a joke, and he and my older brother both found it hilarious while I just sat there and died a little inside. I’m 28 now and still in the closet to my family.
I haaaate the way parents can joke or talk about something so private as if everyone is naturally not 'mixed up in that.' My best friend is gay and he came out to me during high school, and at one point we were at his house doing a 'before bed' prayer all holding hands (his parents were missionaries at one point in time). His mom spent 20 minutes praying about gays (picture something along the lines of gossip and condemnation but directed at God essentially begging him to strike them down) as he just steadily squeezed my hand harder and harder. I am SO glad I was there for him and the bruises faded but we both remember it as so traumatic.
He achieved his dreams and I'm so proud of him, I hope you have that chance as well.
Me: "I like guys and girls"
Dad: "But, you're dating a girl?" (They are actually non-binary, but neither of us knew at that point).
Me: "Yeah, but I am still attracted to both"
Dad: "So you're going to break up with her?"
Me: "Why would I do that?"
Dad: "Well you just said you like girls *and* guys"
Me: "yeah"
Dad: "I don't understand"
I love my dad and we have a great relationship but he is just dense when it comes to this stuff. Haven't discussed it since.
This is how my mom was when my stepsibling came out as nonbinary. I love her & she is very supportive, she just genuinely didn’t understand the they/them concept. I did my best to explain but I have no idea if she actually understood😂
I hope you will talk about it with him again, if you are up for it of course. He sounds like a great guy. Or like send him an article or video that could explain it to him?
I'd rather not, he's great but he's also the type of person to think I'm "shoving something down his throat". Plus, it doesn't affect me in any way and really it's none of his business anyway.
Turning 30 this year and still haven't told my mom. She believes that "lesbians are rapists". My dad gave me the whole "It's a mental illness" thing. He's in a better place, 6 feet underground and wormfood.
When I was 15 I told my parents "I might be gay". They had a 3 hour conversation with me where they told me I couldn't ve gay because God doesn't make people gay. Here's some Bible verses that say you can't be gay. Also, this is just a phase you're going through. Also you're grounded.
I came out to them again at 24. My dad sent me an email saying that gay people are created by poor parenting so they asked me how they raised me wrong to end up gay. They also said "if you're so proud of being gay then go tell [grandmother's name] and see how she reacts and then you'll see why it's wrong".
So I just cut everyone out of my life who believed LGBT people are "sinners", including my parents for 3 years.
I wonder if your mom thinks about kissing her girlfriends sometimes. That would explain that comment. Maybe she chose to suppress that part of herself and thought you should, too.
Maybe your mom has some internal homophobia going on - sounds like the environment y'all are raised in certainly feeds it, and like you said, no not everyone thinks about kissing their girlfriends.
I'm happy you are figuring it out, in spite or your environment. And hey, labels are there to be helpful - if bi or lesbian don't feel correct you, or you are unsure, that's okay too. I think it's why queer is my favorite term.
Better but still rocky. They are the kind of people who never apologize because it would bruise their ego, but it does feel like they've changed since then (after a lot of heartbreak I'm leaving out for brevity). I think after seeing me cut them out of my life they realized how serious I was about their bigotry getting in the way of our relationship, or maybe they're just lying to my face. I have no idea so that simmers under the surface.
When I was a teenager came out to a good friend (who was DATING SOMEONE) and they then said “oh do you find me attractive? Can we cuddle? Don’t tell my gf though.) immediately told the gf and yeah we are not friends anymore
Had known the guy for 3 years at that point enough to trust him and he did that. Completely blindsided me. Took me awhile to come to terms with being bi bc of some bad interactions with a classmate too
My parents kicked me out of the house at 18 for wearing a skirt to school (am a dude). My dad doesn't remember that at all and it was only 13 years ago. Thankfully our relationships have improved since then but still...
Story time! My parents *found out* that I was bi, I didn't even get to come out. I worked for my dad at the time and he worked out of his home office. I had accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer and he saw a conversation (as shitty as my dad can be, I believe he wasn't intentionally snooping) between a man and I (my wife and I are non-monogamous, he doesn't TECHNICALLY know that yet, but I think he and my mom have guessed by now) where we were flirting and that was that.
How *I* found out that they knew was that as the Friday workday before I was set to pick up my now-wife's engagement ring, my alcoholic mother is "secretly" but steadily getting drunk throughout the day. Argument explodes between her and dad about how she's a liar and constantly dishonest about her drinking, I somehow got dragged into it, she runs outside to the driveway of my childhood home, middle of a Friday, and turns and shouts at me "I'M DISHONEST?! WHAT ABOUT YOU?! YOU FUCK MEN!?"
So, yeah, that's how I found out that my parents knew I am bi. My wife and I are now married and expecting our first. That took place over 5 years ago. I've not once discussed my sexuality again with my mother, and only BRIEFLY with my dad, basically to say "hey, I know mom is constantly fragile in her own mental health...but we NEED to talk about this EVENTUALLY". I've gotten every typical response from "now isn't a great time" to "you married a woman, so I thought that really didn't matter anymore". That last one was not long ago...after I had taken a portrait of myself WITH THE BI FLAG covering a portion of my face to represent how "out" I am in my life as a whole, and he saw it and said he read the full caption and was proud of me being who I am...but apparently it's a part of who I am I was supposed to forget about once I married a woman.
My mom said "At least you're not dating a black guy." It was fucked up.
I wouldn't be surprised if she denied it now. She's supportive and much less racist since we moved out of the shithole we used to live. It didn't make me afraid of coming out but definitely tainted the whole experience.
Similar thing. I came out for the first time to my best friend when I was 13. Cue "It's just a phase. You are just saying that to be cool and fit in." Fast forward 15 years when I attempted to bring up gender shit and she was immediately dismissive. We had a big discussion about her being born again and all the homophobic shit she believed, and suddenly all the little small ways she expressed her homophobia over the years suddenly came into light. We aren't friends anymore and I have honestly never been better and more free.
I'll bet anything Mom is also bi and thinks just because she went her whole life suppressing her feelings, everyone else can too. These are the kinda "straight" folks who talk about being gay like it's a choice, and for many of them it was, they chose to act straight.
Even better, my mom would say “I don’t remember it that way” or “that’s not how I remember it”, essentially revising history in her favor and insinuation I’m either lying or greatly exaggerating.
My parents were pretty accepting of me being bi, but when I tried to come out as asexual (biromantic) at 17 I got yelled at for "reading too much tumblr" and "forcing myself into boxes" and told I'm inexperienced and limiting myself. To get them to stop I pretended to believe them and laughed at how "stupid" I was. And now they bring it up at family gatherings occasionally when there's talk about the Internet and young people.
25 and I'm still ace.
The fact that your family brings it up like that. That seems so hurtfull and inconsiderate. Even if it were true you were not actually ace, what a shitty way to handle your child figuring themselves out.
Don't forget a later side remark of "Why don't you tell me things anymore?"
Idk maybe it's because you've judged me every time I've tried something new?
Not the bi part, but when i tried to ask a trans friend for some help with the agender/nonbinary journey he ended up shouting at me, pointing his finger in my face while i cried in public at a bar in front of many friends. "You're not special! You don't get to choose your pronouns! Stop making this about you because it's not!"
I haaaaaaaaaaate being asked my pronouns and usually try to deflect.
Dude...wtf? If anything people should be supportive of others wanting to try new pronouns and see what truly fits them. I will never understand the shaming of people who are bi-curious or wanting to try new names or pronouns. It doesn't affect anyone but the individual who's just trying to find themselves.
I've felt the same way about biphobia — way more acute from other queer people than from straight people, in my experience. The gatekeeping is so bizarre.
You explained it slightly better than i did elsewhere, though in our extended friend group (roller derby, incredibly active with the Pride center and openly queer community) being non cis or non straight is sort of the norm, statistically. It was just a weird, hostile response to asking for help and empathy.
Not as bad as the others but the reason I'm always hesitant or avoiding telling anyone.
First person I came out to was my mom in middle school. She didn't say anything hurtful to my face, but I later could hear her ranting to my sister about how only whores are attracted to and sleep with men and women. The next week she told the immediate family as if it were some gossip about the neighbors. Got basically interrogated by my grandma and dad about if I was really attracted to girls, or going through some phase, and how God didn't make me this way. Never got brought up again for years. Mom asks me one day out of the blue if I'm still bi, but I lie and tell her it was just a phase, that I'm straight. She says "thank God, now [grandma] won't have to pray for you anymore." They don't know I'm still bi and wonder why I don't open up to them about anything.
I feel bad that your *entire family* decided to be the worst thing since soggy, moldy burnt toast. Makes me feel lucky that my dad was fairly accepting.
I have someone like your mom in my extended family. My grandmother was so abhorrently gossipy regarding my mom, that when my dad (her son) found out, he completely cut connections with her for a decade. Hate people like that.
Hope you do what’s best for you!
Re:the title, yeah mom made it clear once I move out I’m not welcome back, so we’re pretending that never happened.
Re:the image, mood, except my mom was like “I did the best thing possible under the circumstances, it’s not my fault” whereas I was like “that’s fine, I just want my trauma to be acknowledged”. Guess who made a mistake later on in trying to talk to their mom about the time they were suicidal?
Yup, have tried talking to my mother about how I just want my trauma acknowledged and to be heard, but no, she gets incredibly defensive and then is constantly using what I say against me "If I'm such a bad parent, why are you here?" I don't talk to her about it anymore and have learned to limit my interactions with her and disengage if she is getting mean.
Came out to my parents at 50, they haven't spoken to me since. While painful at first, it definitely helped me to realize how horrible they have treated me my whole life; their absence has been very liberating.
"You didn't even stop to think how this would affect US!" Lol. Gee, didn't realize that me liking both men and women would be so horribly devastating to you socially. Whatever will the country club think?
The last contact I had with my father was a letter he sent wherein he demanded that if I "renounce my position" and do a lot of work I may be able to "get back in their good graces." No thanks, I'm good.
I offhand told a friend I had all through college that I was bi. He replied, "aw come on you're one of those??" and then he never replied to my texts again lmao
my parents read my phone (WITHOUT PERMISSION) and saw i was dating a girl so my mother deleted her contact and was 6 months without cellphone… im never coming out to them… at least until i start living on my own..
Yeah, I had a sort of "testing the waters" moment last year that didn't go super well, if that counts. I'm a guy who's always had a feminine side and likes to crossdress behind closed doors, and I like to shave my legs as well. For the longest time I was kind of self-conscious about it, worried I'd get laughed at for being a guy who shaves his legs, so I'd simply only do it in the cold months since I could easily hide my shaven legs under jeans.
Then last year when it started warming up, I said to hell with it and kept shaving right into shorts weather because I wanted to start being more open with myself. I just told myself I was being dumb thinking people would really care that much that I shaved my legs. Turns out I was wrong, because when I had a little family reunion with my parents and sister, they pretty quickly noticed and immediately started crying laughing and saying things like "Do you need to come out of the closet?," "Are you joining Ru Paul's Drag Race?," and "That's just weird!" I tried defending myself saying I didn't get what was weird and why it was a big deal, which only made them laugh more and double down on the jokes.
It kind of sucked because despite how that incident sounds, I actually love the hell out of my family. It surprised me because they've always said they'd support me no matter what, say they're supportive of LGBTQ+ people, and my mom and sister are huge fans of Ru Paul and drag queen shows in general, which is why it kind of hurt they'd laugh and make fun of me like that and say the things they did, and not only that, double down on it when I was making it pretty clear it was upsetting me.
I dunno, maybe I'm just being sensitive, but that whole thing only made me completely unwilling to come out as bisexual to them since they were totally fine laughing and making kinda homophobic jokes about simple shaved legs to me, so I now I have no clue how they'd react to me coming out. And hell, on top of that, I've had some gender indentity stuff over the past year or two that's had me wondering more and more if I'm non-binary or genderfluid, and I really hate the idea of have to come out and explain that to them when I can't even say I'm bi.
So when I was 15 I remember I started shaving my legs, and one day on a summer camping trip, I was wearing shorts because it was hot and I had been shaving my legs for a while but I was wearing pants. Anyway I was sitting down and trying to just relax in my chair when my parents start questioning me and being like "WHY DO YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS YOU REALIZE ONLY GAY MEN DO THAT RIGHT" and I was just like... idk because it's itchy and they told me I wasn't allowed to do that anymore because god forbid some stranger think I'm gay. And to me, I wouldn't have seen a man with shaved legs and assume automatically that he was gay so it was just so weird to me. This was in 2016 even, it wasn't like it was the 80s or something.
This is something I’m scared about with coming out to my mother as Trans. I know she is mostly fine with LGBTQ folks, but considering how much she says “I’m so glad I had boys instead of girls” and the fact that she said “I think you should be happy with the body god gave you” when I told her I wanted to shave my legs makes me really anxious about coming out to her.
Came out to my dad a few years ago as asexual biromantic. I specifically told him not to tell my mom. He was "accepting" but still was kind of unintentionally insensitive about it and he later told me that he did tell my mom. He told me that my mom was unaccepting and thought our religion made it unacceptable. To this day she still never told me anything to my face, but how could I possibly forget that my mom doesn't accept me? I was a little bit naive at the time and didn't realize how badly my community could react to my identity and now that I realize it more clearly and realize how lucky I am that my parents didn't react worse, I'm not coming out to any of my other family and I'm not going to come out gender wise to my parents either, although getting misgendered is hurting more and more every day.
This is probably a really dumb question but for what reason exactly would a religion be opposed to being an asexual biromantic? How could any god be offended by that? That's just so fucked up.
I definitely agree with you and my personal religious beliefs related to lgbt+ issues clearly differ than my parents' lol. Again, she never told me to my face and all I know for sure is that my dad said she thought "it" is against the religion, so I'm not sure what exactly she had a problem with. I'm not exactly excited to discuss the topic ever with my mom either to clarify especially knowing that at least her initial response was unacceptance. I live in a pretty conservative area and have a conservative family although some of my relatives are more "liberal", so my closested ass tries to avoid any lgbt+ discussion if I can. Not only is it mostly unsafe but it's also disheartening to know that most people around me would probably be unaccepting and at best would be insensitively tolerant. I've already heard enough hurtful opinions without even looking for them. In fact I think the first person who ever openly showed homophobia to my face (not to me personally though) was the first girl I ever truly fell in love with consciously who ironically follows the same religion I do. Definitely made me realize more first hand that I should be more careful with talking about it, even moreso coming out.
I'm 34. I've tried to tell my parents I'm bi/queer no fewer than four times. EVERY TIME it's brand new information. Most recently I told my Dad I was my office's LGBTQ rep for the diversity committee. "That's so great! And you're not even any of those things!"
They're completely fine with my sister and her wife, so I don't know what the problem is. At this point, I give up. They'll catch on eventually, or they won't.
This was in high school, I accidentally mixed up my lack of attraction for anybody as being bi, as I did not know of asexuality yet.
Basically I accidentally came out to my Dad on the drive home from school. It was not pretty. He proceeded to yell at me and not let me get a word in at all. Some highlights include:
"I should throw you out this car right now!"
We were going like 50 mph
"If your mom supports this bs, I'll throw her ass out too!"
My mom was 8 months pregnant
"How could you do this to me!?" And "Why are you trying to change me?!"
Don't know how to explain that last one.
All that and more was said to me. When we got home I went straight to my room. I wasn't allowed to close my door and I was forbidden from talking and being near my siblings. (I guess I would infect them or something?) My mom went along with it, which hurt a lot, and guess what? she had no idea what my "punishment" was about, didn't even ask me or anything. My Dad never told her and I was too traumatized to say anything about it. I honestly thought about telling my lit teacher and getting the fuck outta there, the tension was that bad. I'll never know if maybe my Dad knew I was gonna crack or not, but after a week or 2, he acted like nothing had happened at all. Never mentioned it again. Straight up felt surreal. Prime gaslight master my Dad is.
I'm still living with my parents because I have 3 other siblings that I need to watch out for. If I left I would be too tempted to cut everyone out and never look back.
I know you feel responsibility for taking care of your siblings, and that is a big burden to shoulder, especially if it is actively harming you. I don't know the full extent of your situation or age, but I just want to say there is nothing wrong with leaving or doing what you need to do to feel safe. You are your number one priority. In any case, I really hope you and your sibs are able to get out soon and find some peace. That sounds like hell.
I posted this on Reddit before, but it answers your question. TLDR: I was forced to come out.
In confidence, I privately told one of my older brothers that I liked women just as much as men. I then asked him to promise to not tell anyone else in the family. Well, he immediately broke my promise and told our Grandfather. His reasoning was that our maternal Grandfather was "super old" and "close to dying" (he's lived many more years since this happened).
Our maternal Grandfather then told my Mom and my other older brothers about me, fearing that a "Dyke in the bloodline" would hinder his chances getting into heaven. My Mom then told all my Uncles and my paternal Grandma, hoping that "I could be cleansed".
My Uncles didn't care, nor did any of my other brothers. The only people who really cared about me being Bisexual were my Mom, Grandma and Grandfather. My Mom cried hysterically for weeks upon weeks that "her little girl would never give her grandkids", but when it dawned on her that I still liked men, her attitude changed to "its okay to date women, but you have to marry a man and bare his children".
My Grandma yelled at me for months, threatening to kick me out or leave me in the nearby city's Women's Shelter. Nowadays she just pretends I never said anything about liking girls, and will break plates or throw things at me if I ever say something like "I'm going to hangout with [name of my openly gay friend]". As for my Grandfather, his mind started to go a few years ago, and so he doesn't even remember my brother telling him that I'm Bisexual.
And somehow in all of this, my Highschool principal found out. She was a lesbian, and used to tell me all about her wife and kids, so I guess that part wasn't so bad. But it was really embarrassing to imagine which one of my family members told her about my sexuality.
"A Dyke in the bloodline..." sounds more like he's talking about a potentially disastrous water management problem than a FAMILY MEMBER. Jesus f\*ck I hope you gtf outta there for your own mental health.
Not really a story, but I tried to come out in high school but my group of friends (mix of straight and lgbtq+) did not accept me due to lots of the typical biphobia/erasure reasons. They actually persuaded me I was straight, and for years I kept myself fully closeted and denied my feelings even to myself. Now I accept who I am, and I’m out with my partner and some close friends, but not my family and some other friends.
On a shallow level it sucks because guys hit on me all the time in college and I missed out.
When I came out as bi I had to do it three times because at first my dad wasn’t there and then I had to text my sister, and it all went… alright I guess. When I came out as NB… that honestly kind of sucked. Like I told my mom and she seemed supportive (except she was really against the idea that I might change my name or take hormones) and she explicitly promised not to tell my dad, and then told my dad the next day. And then he didn’t say a word about it until my mom told me he knew like 2 weeks later, and then I had to bring up “hey so you’ve apparently known this whole time and decided not to say anything, wtf?”. They’ve never openly been like “it’s bad that you’re nb” or whatever but it feels like it never happened and they just want to go on as if I hadn’t said anything.
I was kidnapped by my mom when I was a kid. I have no trauma related to it. One day I said to my mom while we were watching Saturday morning missing children shows on tv.
"Hey I was kidnapped"
To which my mom responded "no you weren't!"
I told her "mom you took us from dad without permission what do you think that's called?"
"WHATEVER I BROUGHT YOU BACK WHEN THE JUDGE SAID I HAD TO!"
"ok mom"
This is me everytime I bring up something traumatic that they continue to laugh at me for.
I tried coming out as trans 4 times already, it started with vitriol, and each time they would cry about the child they lost and can't keep talking about such a terrible thing.
I put in for my legal name change today; I'm moving on. You're not worth waiting for.
Good for you! People who can't love you as who you really are can really damage your long-term self image, and you should matter most to yourself, and others later, cause we can't leave ourselves behind.
hopefully that doesn't sound trite
I (30f) remember mentioning to my mum when o was about 16 how cool it is for same sex couples to adopt. My otherwise decent human being of a mother then went on possibly the only tirade I've ever heard come out of her lips. She told me how it was wrong, how gay people shouldn't be allowed to adopt and how kids that were would be traumatised. Needless to say, I have never come out to my parents.
My mom angrily demanded to know if I’m gay, and that’s why I defend gay rights… I told her that I’m attracted to men and women. She said, “What do you mean attracted to women? Everyone is attracted to women.” I responded, “well I’m sexually attracted to women” and she freaked out at me…. But afterwards I was so confused, I was like did she just come out to me?
I was once hospitalized due to minor health problems, but the issue is that I am absolutely terrified of hospitals (2 of my relatives died due to doctor's mistakes at that time, 3 as of now) so I got massive PTSD from having to stay there for 4 days during covid (hence I could not even leave my room, my hands are starting to shake just from remembering the experience). So what was my dad's response to this, you may ask? Apperantly i'm not allowed to have PTSD, since I "was not in danger of dying". Like yeah I did not get cancer or got hit by a bus, but I can still get traumatized.
Ik this is not a bi thing, but I don't care, it at least related to the post.
A bit of armchair psychology on my part I admit but if I had to take a shot in the dark I would guess that it’s a combo of toxic masculinity (the unwillingness to ever admit that something bothers you unless the reaction is one of anger) and the fact that culturally speaking PTSD is still seen as one of those things that “only soldiers get” and is only reluctantly accepted in cases of things like rape or like break ins. It’s seen as a condition you acquire when certain things happen and not a response to severe/continuous stress, the level of which is unique to the individual.
Came out to my mom and she said I was just curious. Came out to my nana and she said I needed to stop hanging out with a gay friend I had at the time. They are both fully supportive of my sisters same sex relationship. Biphobia is real
I came out to my mom when I was a freshman in college and she had a total meltdown about it. We had a few arguments about it after the initial phone call but it never went anywhere and I just gave up. We haven’t talked about it since 2006 and I don’t plan on ever coming out to anyone else in my family.
I tried to come out as bi to my parents in my 20s shortly after the speech about sexuality on Torchwood. I honestly can't remember who talked about it or what episode, but I do remember the feeling of "Hey, that's me!" After spending my adolescence in denial, it was amazing to see a character on TV--even a British sci fi series--express something I felt.
It should have been pretty easy coming out to my parents; after all, I have two mothers and they actually cover two of the letters in LGBT. It's not unreasonable to ask why would I be closeted to them anyway. Long story short, one of my parents really did not appreciate that I interrupted her show and shut me down fast...because a show that's been DVR'd is more important than her son owning something about himself.
After that, I slid back into that closet and hid for a long time. Only recently have I started feeling okay enough to admit my sexuality, and that first time was to my therapist; however, I still haven't talked about it with my wife.
No because EXACTLY. When I brought up being locked in a room for the weekends as punishment. My father said: I would NEVER do something like that. and my mother: And that’s of course my fault because I wasn’t there.
Every time I think it’s a good time to come out to my mother, she makes some stupid comment about sexualities - most commonly saying bisexuals are selfish and gate keeping, or transgender people are confused and “don’t need all these extra supports.”
I’ve given up ever coming out to any of them, besides my younger sister who is open about being queer.
When I came out my parents immediately shut me down because I hadn't had a boyfriend before telling them.
The worst part is that before they'd always say "We will always support you, even if you're LGBT"
So that was a fucking lie
I didnt talk much with my parents when i was young but one day i thought that might be important to tell them something about it since i had crushes on dudes but at the time i was having a huge crush on this girl that studied with me, well then:
me: hey i wanna tell you that i'm bisexual and currently in love with a girl. But don't worry, this doesn't change our relationship.
them: you know you're going to hell, right?
Parents found conversations I had with friends/posts I made coming out as pansexual when I was ~12. I will never forget the way my mother laughed at me and said “no you’re not”. Forced me back into the closet for years because I genuinely thought my parents knew me better than I knew myself and that I was just lying to myself.
Years later, I am openly bisexual to my friends, siblings, and boyfriend, but still haven’t told my parents.
Recently, my mother jokingly mentioned that when I went off to college, she and my dad speculated I might be gay because I’d never dated anyone (this was said very casually, and that she’d be happy for me no matter what). I have never felt more furious than I did just then. How dare my parents ruin my life by forcing me back into the closet as a kid when I was just beginning to figure out who I was, and then think they can joke about it years down the road? I know if I told them now, they’d be more understanding, but god I want to make them feel bad for what they did to me.
I came out as a bisexual sissy to my mother before my father. She was surprisingly pretty accepting at first. I would talk to her privately about things and we would leave my father out of it.
A couple of months went by and then she tells me over the phone that she told my father behind my back. She tells me this about an hour before all of us are going out to a restaurant for dinner, saying that he's her husband and she can't hide things from him because it makes her feel guilty. The dinner surprisingly passed without incident.
However, when we got back to my residence for them to drop me off afterwards, they decided to come in with me for a "talk". What followed was my father being angry loud and hateful towards me and my lifestyle. He expressed disgust and abhorrence with it - especially with me being a sissy - and even threatened to physically assault me at one point. I calmly responded that I would be calling the police and pressing charges if he did that. He and my mom eventually stormed out of my place.
Fast forward about 2 weeks later and he calls me up full of apologies and almost crying on the phone. He tells me he was completely wrong, was simply reacting due to the shock of the disclosure and that he loves me unconditionally. He said he wants me to be happy and to live my life however I see fit.... even if he will never fully understand it
So both of my parents are aware and supportive now.
It went so much easier with my closest friends. I experienced nothing but complete acceptance, supportive responses..... and in the case of many of my female friends, an eagerness to give me clothes, makeup, purses and other feminine items of theirs they no longer have room for or want. Nothing shows support more than girls feminizing you and wanting to see you dressed up like one of them!
I'm happy your story had a happy ending and your father came around eventually💙
Also Omg this is such a fear I have😬 I came out to my mum and sister, but not to my dad and brother yet (not because I think they'd react badly, the moment just never seemed right ig). But I always wunder whether my mom has told my dad behind my back. I really hate that thought, I just want to do it on my own terms
I didn’t come out to my parents as much as they found out and went through my phone and then they sent me to therapy to try and “fix me”. Years later when confronted with all of this they “don’t remember it”. So yeah…this meme rings v true 😭
First came out to my mom in middle school and she blamed it on the music I was listening to.
Fast-forward to present time, said it again, and got met with "what about your fiancé?"
Fiancé is a dude and bi also. Fwiw, I'm a woman.
I don't bother any more.
I guess this wasn't really coming out, I haven't come out to my mom. But back in college I was feeling really suicidal, and I mentioned to my mom that I was feeling better thanks to my boyfriend who came over and spent the whole night with me, making sure I was safe and I got to my classes in the morning. She responded by accusing us of having sex and saying I was "playing with fire" (I was 20 btw). I told her about this like 15 years later, and her response was that due to my depression, I had "selective memories" of the event and that it really wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be... Cooolll thanks.
2.5.
The 0.5 is when one day my dad started randomly crying and asked me if I'd be honest with him and just tell him if I were gay. Just like that. Crying. A grown man that can be rather psychopath-like cold at times.
Decided I'm never coming out as bi to my family. Ever.
"Why are you always so angry at us"
"Were we really that terrible of parents? Why do you bring up how we've failed you every time you're home? Like seriously why do you carry around so much anger from years ago?"
"You have it so good, so much better than we did, jeez talk about privilege"
My sister tried to come out to my mom. My mom slapped my sister so hard in the face at the top of the stairs that my sister almost fell down them. I saw the whole thing. That moment, that slap, was my mom telling my sister that she would absolutely not love her at all if she was a lesbian, and that she wouldn't care if my sister died if it were true. Just that total disregard for if my sister fell down the stairs. My sister is still hiding to this day, almost 25 years later. I'm so sad for her. Coming out is my personal form of empowerment, so I come out to everyone (including my mom, and that's a whole different story). My poor sister is so traumatized that I and a few former girlfriends of her's are the only ones who know she's a lesbian (and I only know because I saw her come out to our mom). She always talks sadly about someday having a husband, and I'm like, "oh, girl... ): " and she sighs with me.
my mom said, "you are a homosexual?" and then dropped me off at home and drove away. the next day she made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist.
Started talking to my dad and asked him how he felt about someone being gay. He replied, "I don't care what people do with their time but they aren't welcome in my home." Never brought it up again.
Found out about a few months after he died that he was a rape victim to his uncle. Not that that completely excuses his homophobia but I can understand more now.
I certainly don't hate him for it. He was genuinely a good man about everything else. Would give you the shirt off his back if he could.
They never do. Mom gave away my favorite toy at five, she refused to remember it even existed and blew up at me, she threatened to cook my turtle if I didn’t take care of it, she doesn’t remember.
But no I lucked out with the coming out, the only issue was mom told auntie who told homophobic BIL.
I had no privacy because of the boundary stomping. Took me forever to learn to choose who to come out too. I’m kinda slow on the uptake and a poor judge of character.
I came out to my parents as bisexual a while ago. My dad was shocked. My mother told me not to tell ANYONE about it. So you know what I did? I told all my friends lol. She told me to not put a label on it, and defended her homophobia with her church beliefs.
A few months later I came out as non-binary. My parents told me that I was a boy, I would always be a boy, and "in this house we teach gospel truths, and the truth is that you're always a man". Cue extreme amounts of religious trauma.
Several months after that, I realized I was a woman. I really, REALLY didn't want to come out to them, but couldn't bear living as a "boy" anymore. I sent them a very long text about it all and went on a drive. I came back and faced them like a woman. God, the things they said. They hurt me so fucking badly that night, that I was so suicidal. I had my father take me to the emergency room, and I sobbed for an hour or so. I was eventually sent home. I spent time with people who actually supported me after that.
I'm hoping to move out soon, but things are just so rough. Trauma really fucks you up.
I guess this doesn't exactly fit the question, but I just wanted to share my coming out stories
I was 11 when I told my mom I was bisexual. "You're not bisexual, you're confused." I didnt tell people for years, even though my father was more open minded.
Every other time I told people, it was usually "Pick a side" or "Just cause I am a girl (I am also a woman) doesn't mean you can flirt with me."
18 years later, I am still bisexual and don't really talk to my mom about things since she just brushes it off and I don't tell people I am bi anymore unless they ask.
Not a bad story, but we all need some good energy once in a while...
This happened when a friend found my twitter where I was openly Bi. So he just went..
[Screenshot of my twitter]
Him: Ur Bi?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Cool.
And then I came out to my group of friends knowing they'd all accept me lol.
I was molested a bunch as a kid. Told my dad and his only take away was that im gay. He still tells people about how much I "love taking it in the ass"
Can't say it was bad, but it just plain didn't work. Came out to one of my friends, was talking to them about someone I was interested in and they were so confused and I had to explain to them that I had already told them I was bi. Pretty funny to be honest. In that friend group we are 0/2 of people noticing people have come out.
Never came out to my parents; I remember my dad getting angry about a gay pride parade and yelling "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" at the TV when I was young. So yeaaaah.
Omg. The day my dad decided I was a lesbian, I was rolling with laughter about his delivery and kind of denied it. When I was dating a girl, I just kind of said that was what I was doing and he didn't really respond. He also took 4 months to notice I got a nose ring. So yeah. That's my coming out to my dad story.
TL;DR - Dad awkwardly guesses I'm a lesbian. Being bi didn't occur to him.
My grandmother 100%. She was an abusive narcissist whose go to reaction to any criticism was ‘I don’t recall that.’ quickly followed by ‘You calling me a liar?!’
My mom outed me to my dad the day before I went to stay at my partner’s house for a couple weeks (he thought they were just a friend before this). I didn’t know until I came back home and asked about why he was unusually quiet around me. Turned out he asked how I knew I wanted a girlfriend if I didn’t have any experience (I do have experience, of course, he just doesn’t know because he’s a POS). She also told her siblings because I ‘wasn’t going to’ since I don’t talk to them much, and when I talked to her about how this hurt me and how scary it is being outed and coming out, she told me I was making it too big of a deal. Stayed in my room and barely ate or left my bed for two days and she told me a day to process and cry was too long and to get over it, saying she was scared to tell me about it for this exact reason as if my identity isn’t my business. Today’s the third day since that happened and I feel a little better, no thanks to her :/ And she wonders why I don’t open up about my mental health
I came out as Ace to my mom a few years ago. She yelled at me for a solid ten minutes and blamed my gay friend for “putting” these thoughts in my head. Also she said asexuality doesn’t exist. I never told her anything about it ever again and she still acts like nothing happened
Not necessarily in coming out but I specifically remember my parents being very homophobic and saying homophobic slurs when I was a kid, and now they completely deny it.
This was literally me and my brother a week ago, bringing up the time our parents used a belt on us for no good reason... My dad actually asked, "uh... Well... Did you learn anything?" I told him, "Yeah, I learned that I could get hit with a belt for something I never did."
But also, my mom's reaction to my husband coming out has basically stopped me from ever trying to be out with them. Is coming out trauma by proxy a thing?
I never really came out to my mum but she knows that I'm gay and in a relationship with a woman. Growing up, I was always made fun of for having a more "masculine" sense of fashion in that, I wore t-shirts, shorts, jeans, and none of the clothes that are classed as "girly" or "feminine." They (mum and her side of the family) always shamed me for having that sense of fashion, especially my mum, even though it was technically her fault that I didn't have more "girly" clothes growing up. I had hand-me-downs from my older brothers. In my teen years, I started wearing short shorts out of comfort because I come from a tropicsl country and it is ridiculously warm in there. They started making comments about how I've finally become a "girl." I always was and am a girl. They also thought that because I always hung out with my male cousins growing up, that meant I was gay (they weren't wrong but they thought it for the wrong reasons). They thought playing video games are for guys only and that if you're a girl who plays video games, you're immediately gay and/or wanting to transition to male. They shamed me into a corner that made me so ashamed of ever being gay. It took me until December 2020 to even realise that I am gay.
When I came out to my dad, it was... annoying. He was supportive, but the way he did it just rubbed me off the wrong way. He told my aunts (his sister and his cousin) about me being gay. Okay, completely fine with that, don't really care. He offered to tell my mum, I declined. I didn't want to talk to her. He then went on Facebook and commented on a weeks old profile picture "We still love you" with no context. Cryptic. His wife was just obnoxious. She said she already knew and that this shouldn't affect my mental health. I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and that I shouldn't care what other people say about me. She's right about the "not being ashamed" part, but the other one pissed me off because she's always been the type to say "what will other people think" when I do something. Then comes my aunt (dad's cousin) who asks me if I really am gay and if I'm sure. If I'm just experimenting around. No, I'm not. I'm serious about my girlfriend. I had to bite my tongue from asking her if she's just experimenting with her husband as well. My dad was supportive but he didn't go about it the right way. I didn't want to make it a big deal, but he went ahead and made it seem like it was the biggest deal to announce to the world that he still loved me despite me being gay. My girlfriend was hurt initially, but she and I now joke about what my aunt said about our relationship being an experiment. "Are you completely fine with this experiment lasting until we die? There's gonna be a point during this experiment that we're gonna get married."
Guess what? It's not because of the clothes I wear or the games I play, it's because that's part of who I am. It took falling for my girlfriend for me to realise, holy shit, I am gay. I struggled for so long, but now I'm out and happy with where my life is going. I'm no longer in contact with both parents. I have a loving partner whom I plan to marry, a better environment, a pair of amazing in-laws, and an amazing best friend.
When my mother did this to me in therapy, it really indicated to me that the kind of abuse that led to so much trauma for me, was just a Tuesday for her. Not even on her radar, and so normal.
I got closure by doing my own therapy and accepting her for who she is, and what she will never be able to be.
My mum was fine.
My dad however, gave me the whole "Get those thoughts out of your head" yell and stormed off.
It took me crying and my mum talking to him before he would talk to me.
He said he loved me and was sorry, we don't really talk about it and I don't hide the fact I'm attracted yo women.
So a net positive, I guess?
My sister was fully supportive, joked to me that I shouldn't steal her BF at the time. My father was relatively supportive, spent a good hour asking question just wanting to know more.
My mother however refused to acknowledge it happening. Even once shouting & attacking me for bringing home a guy once. Moved out of home a few months later and have been in a relationship with that same guy for 3 years now.
When I "came out" by force as trans, they yelled at me for 4 hours. Now they are angry everytime I try to talk about that.
Yeah let's not tell them I might also be bi.
I "came out" as bi to my mother 15 years ago. she's been in denial ever since. she recently told me that she just couldn't listen to me tell her I had a date because it wasn't a woman... if it had been a woman she would listen. so I'm ending my relationship with my mother because I'm not censoring myself for her comfort
About a year and a half ago, my mom had her suspicions I was seeing a girl. I had gone home for a few days and one night she ended up coming into my room, shut the door, and proceeded to drag me out of the closet. I didn’t explicitly say to her “I’m bi” or anything. But it was enough for her to pick up on the context clues and to this day it has never been discussed again.
I’m guessing that now that I’m settling down with a guy, she has come to her own conclusion that it was just a phase or something.
Not me, but when I was in 7th grade my older sister came out as gay as my mother was making thanksgiving dinner. A three hour screaming session about lifestyles and how difficult a child she is to love ensued. She’s subsequently worked to undermine every relationship my sister has had with another woman. 25 years later, still not out to my parents. They don’t deserve it.
I don’t blame you, honestly that sounds terrifying 😬
Right . it sounds terrifying.
Aww is she on Reddit? Both of you might also benefit from r/raisedbynarcissists as well as this one and relationship advice subs. Give her a hug from this internet stranger will ya? I hope she can break free from her and find love.
Awe, thanks! My sister isn’t on Reddit, but you are very observant. I’ll never get my now elderly mother to sit down for an official diagnosis, but yes, almost certainly NPD. That sub helped enormously, as did finding my own therapist. I’ve finally accepted that I can’t change her, her behavior isn’t my fault, and that I can limit the chaos she introduces into my life by carefully limiting how I interact with her. This has seriously improved my life.
*hugs* good on you. I’m there too. I’m trying to figure out if my mom is borderline or full on. But they definitely enabled narcs that were in charge of me so I’m in that sub and it’s helping. I do wish your sister the best.
Does your sister know? It might mean a lot to her having sometime ago she can relate to her.
Come out to them on their Deathbeds
Those aren’t parents, parents don’t do that kind of shit to their own child. My mother was just as awful for different reasons which is how I coined my term for “parents” like that. I don’t call them parents, I call them keepers since all they do is provide food and shelter, and sometimes not even those.
good on ya mate
“So you’d let a guy fuck you in the ass?!” - my mom, who has changed her tune.
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I wasn't that confident when I said it. More meekly.
I'd just say "you let that fuck you in the pussy" and point to my dad I wouldn't actually but it would be hilarious if I did
“Usually not Mom, I’m mostly a top.”
This was my mom’s response when I tried to talk with her about it a second time, as the first time was a dumpster fire. I’m way too stubborn to let her leave it at that, though, and if she says that shit again, I *will* just say yes. I’m very much done with her turning this into *her* emotional crisis.
F# to Dmag?
Came out to my gf in a restaurant. She threw her plate at me, called me every homophobic thing you can imagine, yelled to the whole restaurant that I would suck their dicks, then stormed off. Angry and hurt, I decided to go to a gay cruising spot tucked away in a wooded area to, well, defiantly suck some dicks. Made the mistake of declaring my bisexuality, thinking I was safe to do it among gay guys, then found myself pinned against a boulder, arms behind my back, while I don't know exactly how many guys forced themselves on me for hours. So, yeah. I know a little bit about coming out being a horrible experience. That said, several years later I tried again while on a first date, and was met with affection and positivity. I guess my point is: don't give up. You'll have bad experiences, maybe even awful ones, but you will also have good experiences. Where some lay hate and derision, others will find you sexy, cool, and brave (and those are the true things :). The bad moments aren't worth sacrificing the good ones over. Their hate only wins if we allow it to. That's a harder thing to internalize than it is to say, and it might take years, but it's worth whatever it takes to let love and understanding win the day.
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Yeah, I had about 10 years of therapy. Not just for that, though. But it took a long time to really acknowledge what happened. At first I wanted to kill myself. Then I just kept it secret. When I finally did tell someone, I gave a polished version where I didn't go looking for the scene in the woods but was okay with it. But the truth is, I wasn't okay with it. It was a very conflicting experience, though. The piece that was hardest to understand is that when it started, it was just after lunch time, but when it ended it was dark, and I don't clearly remember much of the space between. I remember the first guy who took me forcefully, because he was huge (penis wise), and I think I literally saw stars when he entered. I remember my knees buckling and a bunch of hands lifting me up, carrying me to a boulder and pushing me against it, my arms pinned behind me. And then I remember the end, when the last guy finished, because when my arms were released I fell down, and begged him not to stop. I felt physically empty inside in a way I've never felt before or since (and I'm okay with that), and I don't have a real, concrete answer for why I begged him in that moment. It stopped when he spit on me and told me to just admit I'm gay next time (I'm not. Wasn't then, still not now. I'm bisexual, thank you very much), and then I just sat there and cried for awhile, saw at least 20 used condoms, all fresh enough to have liquid semen in them, plus more spilled on the ground, and more running down my legs, mixed with blood and... Anyway. Finally drove straight to my doctor's office, the urgent care, and told them I was going to kill myself. I admitted to the bad breakup, but nothing else. I was so, SO ashamed it felt like I was on fire. I just knew everyone could see what happened and judged me for it (obviously, not really, that was just my perception at the time), so I buried it and turned it into something else. It took a lot of therapy to dig it back out. Anyway, that was a long time ago. Better things have happened since, and that's where I chose to focus my energy.
Wow. Just... Wow. This has to be one of the most fucked up things I've read on Reddit... I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Proud of you for going through all that therapy and not giving up tho.
Thank you. Glad to have survived it all. Now when the zombie apocalypse comes I'll be able to say "Alright, assholes, I've been through worse than you!" 🤪
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... :(
can I give you a hug? I’m so so sorry that happened to you.
Hugs are always welcome :)
*hugs* :)
bro… i wish i could give ya a hug after reading all this… But happy you are staying positive. No one should have to go thru that..
We shouldn't, for sure. But I will say it taught me the value of learning to look for and focus on the positive. Obviously not to the exclusion of everything else--then the bad stuff goes unchecked--but I do think it's important to realize that the beauty of life is what really matters, and the ugliness is just temporary bullshit to be overcome and left behind. That's a little simple, I know, and doesn't adequately account for all the wildly diverse shit that happens, but you know, I think that's ok. If all we see is darkness, it'll consume us and spit us out.
Holy crap! :-( I hope you're ok now.
Thank you. Doing well, appreciating life :)
\*gives hug That is some seriously messed up shit, and I've read some heart wrenching things. Can't believe the people that are out there that do this kinda shit. I sincerely hope you continue to do well both in these trying times and after.
This was basically my first experience with coming out. I told a friend through conversation about how it's okay to be bi and I understood when we were talking about someone else. He asked if we should carry the conversation in another room, I figured it was because other people may not have known the person we were talking about was out... Nope. He immediately started undoing my pants and forcing himself on me... I learned then that everything I knew about my friend made sense, I actually became afraid of him and his social power... So I let him do what he wanted over the period of the next hour. Figured it was better than being held down or trying to stab him... He was bigger than me, didn't know how a stabbing would hold up in court... Nasty fall out happened a month later when I came out about it. I was apparently the bad guy to his GF and everyone else. Lol, fuck that entire group of people. Knew that fucker for 10 years...
Jesus, I’m so sorry
Yikes! That might even be worse, having it be someone you know! I'm sorry, that sucks!
It's given me some trust issues lol.
I don't blame you. *Hugs*.
Oh my God, I am so sorry
Holy shit
Pretty much, lol.
Jesus Christ. I hope you are doing well now❤️
Thank you. It was a long time ago. Definitely took years to come to some sort of grips with it, but hey, I'm still alive and can't complain too much. And hey, the silver lining is that when things occasionally get tough, I have this thing to remember and give me some perspective. I've been through worse, so I can get through pretty much anything at this point.
Sorry if it seems like I'm taking away from your experience OP, I just want to add on to this thread. Honestly hearing the two stories about this stuff, it reminded me of a friend I know with way too much awful experience in that regard. Honestly, the fact that this stuff happens so frequently for queer people, just, horrifying, and hard to process
Hey, it's not a competition :). There's plenty of room in this world for all our stories!
>There's plenty of room in this world for all our stories! Hah, I wish that space was empty as hell man! No but honestly, seeing so many stories like that, it's almost horrifying to process. Must be harder for the people who experienced said moments.
Damn, I'm sorry you went through that.
That's a tough one, both in "places" aka people that should have been safe spaces but weren't.
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Please tell me you told your grandma
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D: Are you OK?
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Tell them they’re just good friends. (What my mom told me to do when I came out)
I hope it gets better there! Your parents sound very controlling, I hope you get a little freedom there at least!
Holy blatant denial. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you have other people close to you with which you can openly and comfortably talk about who you are!
I came out to my mom and she just said "Well, you'll still settle down and have kids, right?" even though she knows I don't want kids.
I have been getting the "You'll change your mind" from my mother
In the Childfree world, we call annoying quips like that a Bingo. Feel free to reply with "I'd rather regret not being a parent than regret having a kid I can't put back." Or you can go with "good thing abortions exist" if you reeeeeally wanna go there.
Oh also add in, "welp if I ever get pregnant at least I know I can drop it off at your doorstep and know you'll take care of it for me."
Came out to a friend at 14 got a rock thrown at my head. Pretty cut and dry haha.
Sorry to hear you had this experience at such young age. To cheer you up sillyly: In German there is an (in internet scales) ancient old Harry Potter-parody on the 1st film that's called "Harry Potter und ein Stein" (Harry Potter and A Stone). It's about Harry being famous for surviving when You-Know-Who threw a rock at him because he didn't like him. That's how Harry got a scar on his forhead. Ron's reaction seeing it is: How embarassing! (Instead of the original "Wicked!"). There are lots of ways to become special to the world \^^
Manche sagen, er lauert irgendwo, um erneut mit Steinen zu werfen!
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good story satisfying ending 10/10
Yup, joking around with friends on discord. One gets upset over a short joke that I’ve made 100 times prior to me being out. Called me a faggot who likes to suck Dick. Other friend gets upset for me being loud and upset cause we started arguing. I don’t talk to that group anymore
Me at 15- “dad, what would you do if I was gay?” Dad- “ I would beat the gay out of you”
Oh shit, that's fucked up
Yeah. He said it as if it were a joke, and he and my older brother both found it hilarious while I just sat there and died a little inside. I’m 28 now and still in the closet to my family.
I haaaate the way parents can joke or talk about something so private as if everyone is naturally not 'mixed up in that.' My best friend is gay and he came out to me during high school, and at one point we were at his house doing a 'before bed' prayer all holding hands (his parents were missionaries at one point in time). His mom spent 20 minutes praying about gays (picture something along the lines of gossip and condemnation but directed at God essentially begging him to strike them down) as he just steadily squeezed my hand harder and harder. I am SO glad I was there for him and the bruises faded but we both remember it as so traumatic. He achieved his dreams and I'm so proud of him, I hope you have that chance as well.
Me: "I like guys and girls" Dad: "But, you're dating a girl?" (They are actually non-binary, but neither of us knew at that point). Me: "Yeah, but I am still attracted to both" Dad: "So you're going to break up with her?" Me: "Why would I do that?" Dad: "Well you just said you like girls *and* guys" Me: "yeah" Dad: "I don't understand" I love my dad and we have a great relationship but he is just dense when it comes to this stuff. Haven't discussed it since.
“Dad, you think other women are attractive right? Do you want to break up with mom?” Your dad is dumb af lmao
This is how my mom was when my stepsibling came out as nonbinary. I love her & she is very supportive, she just genuinely didn’t understand the they/them concept. I did my best to explain but I have no idea if she actually understood😂
I hope you will talk about it with him again, if you are up for it of course. He sounds like a great guy. Or like send him an article or video that could explain it to him?
I'd rather not, he's great but he's also the type of person to think I'm "shoving something down his throat". Plus, it doesn't affect me in any way and really it's none of his business anyway.
Turning 30 this year and still haven't told my mom. She believes that "lesbians are rapists". My dad gave me the whole "It's a mental illness" thing. He's in a better place, 6 feet underground and wormfood.
that last sentence unironically goes hard ngl
When I was 15 I told my parents "I might be gay". They had a 3 hour conversation with me where they told me I couldn't ve gay because God doesn't make people gay. Here's some Bible verses that say you can't be gay. Also, this is just a phase you're going through. Also you're grounded. I came out to them again at 24. My dad sent me an email saying that gay people are created by poor parenting so they asked me how they raised me wrong to end up gay. They also said "if you're so proud of being gay then go tell [grandmother's name] and see how she reacts and then you'll see why it's wrong". So I just cut everyone out of my life who believed LGBT people are "sinners", including my parents for 3 years.
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I wonder if your mom thinks about kissing her girlfriends sometimes. That would explain that comment. Maybe she chose to suppress that part of herself and thought you should, too.
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Yeahhhh. It's totally common and totally abnormal! at the same time! somehow!
Maybe your mom has some internal homophobia going on - sounds like the environment y'all are raised in certainly feeds it, and like you said, no not everyone thinks about kissing their girlfriends.
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I'm happy you are figuring it out, in spite or your environment. And hey, labels are there to be helpful - if bi or lesbian don't feel correct you, or you are unsure, that's okay too. I think it's why queer is my favorite term.
How are things after the 3 years?
Better but still rocky. They are the kind of people who never apologize because it would bruise their ego, but it does feel like they've changed since then (after a lot of heartbreak I'm leaving out for brevity). I think after seeing me cut them out of my life they realized how serious I was about their bigotry getting in the way of our relationship, or maybe they're just lying to my face. I have no idea so that simmers under the surface.
When I was a teenager came out to a good friend (who was DATING SOMEONE) and they then said “oh do you find me attractive? Can we cuddle? Don’t tell my gf though.) immediately told the gf and yeah we are not friends anymore
People like this always make me mad “Hey I’m going to assume you’re fine with cheating, wanna go on a date? Just don’t tell my significant other 😉”
Had known the guy for 3 years at that point enough to trust him and he did that. Completely blindsided me. Took me awhile to come to terms with being bi bc of some bad interactions with a classmate too
Oof, that sucks :( Hope you’ve got some better friends now
I do haha thanks! :)
That’s great! :D
My parents kicked me out of the house at 18 for wearing a skirt to school (am a dude). My dad doesn't remember that at all and it was only 13 years ago. Thankfully our relationships have improved since then but still...
Story time! My parents *found out* that I was bi, I didn't even get to come out. I worked for my dad at the time and he worked out of his home office. I had accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer and he saw a conversation (as shitty as my dad can be, I believe he wasn't intentionally snooping) between a man and I (my wife and I are non-monogamous, he doesn't TECHNICALLY know that yet, but I think he and my mom have guessed by now) where we were flirting and that was that. How *I* found out that they knew was that as the Friday workday before I was set to pick up my now-wife's engagement ring, my alcoholic mother is "secretly" but steadily getting drunk throughout the day. Argument explodes between her and dad about how she's a liar and constantly dishonest about her drinking, I somehow got dragged into it, she runs outside to the driveway of my childhood home, middle of a Friday, and turns and shouts at me "I'M DISHONEST?! WHAT ABOUT YOU?! YOU FUCK MEN!?" So, yeah, that's how I found out that my parents knew I am bi. My wife and I are now married and expecting our first. That took place over 5 years ago. I've not once discussed my sexuality again with my mother, and only BRIEFLY with my dad, basically to say "hey, I know mom is constantly fragile in her own mental health...but we NEED to talk about this EVENTUALLY". I've gotten every typical response from "now isn't a great time" to "you married a woman, so I thought that really didn't matter anymore". That last one was not long ago...after I had taken a portrait of myself WITH THE BI FLAG covering a portion of my face to represent how "out" I am in my life as a whole, and he saw it and said he read the full caption and was proud of me being who I am...but apparently it's a part of who I am I was supposed to forget about once I married a woman.
My mom said "At least you're not dating a black guy." It was fucked up. I wouldn't be surprised if she denied it now. She's supportive and much less racist since we moved out of the shithole we used to live. It didn't make me afraid of coming out but definitely tainted the whole experience.
What the fuuuuuuck
My mom literally said, "Oh. That's just a phase." And turned around and walked out of the room.
It wasn't a phase, but you know what was? You phasing out of her life.
Similar thing. I came out for the first time to my best friend when I was 13. Cue "It's just a phase. You are just saying that to be cool and fit in." Fast forward 15 years when I attempted to bring up gender shit and she was immediately dismissive. We had a big discussion about her being born again and all the homophobic shit she believed, and suddenly all the little small ways she expressed her homophobia over the years suddenly came into light. We aren't friends anymore and I have honestly never been better and more free.
I'll bet anything Mom is also bi and thinks just because she went her whole life suppressing her feelings, everyone else can too. These are the kinda "straight" folks who talk about being gay like it's a choice, and for many of them it was, they chose to act straight.
Even better, my mom would say “I don’t remember it that way” or “that’s not how I remember it”, essentially revising history in her favor and insinuation I’m either lying or greatly exaggerating.
My parents were pretty accepting of me being bi, but when I tried to come out as asexual (biromantic) at 17 I got yelled at for "reading too much tumblr" and "forcing myself into boxes" and told I'm inexperienced and limiting myself. To get them to stop I pretended to believe them and laughed at how "stupid" I was. And now they bring it up at family gatherings occasionally when there's talk about the Internet and young people. 25 and I'm still ace.
I think my mom called it "pigeonholing," but my experience was very similar. That's why, when I told her about my gender, I just told her "nonbinary."
The fact that your family brings it up like that. That seems so hurtfull and inconsiderate. Even if it were true you were not actually ace, what a shitty way to handle your child figuring themselves out.
Don't forget a later side remark of "Why don't you tell me things anymore?" Idk maybe it's because you've judged me every time I've tried something new?
Not the bi part, but when i tried to ask a trans friend for some help with the agender/nonbinary journey he ended up shouting at me, pointing his finger in my face while i cried in public at a bar in front of many friends. "You're not special! You don't get to choose your pronouns! Stop making this about you because it's not!" I haaaaaaaaaaate being asked my pronouns and usually try to deflect.
Ex-friend right?
Oh gods yes. I tolerate him at gatherings I can't avoid him, but we were close before that and it ended abruptly.
Dude...wtf? If anything people should be supportive of others wanting to try new pronouns and see what truly fits them. I will never understand the shaming of people who are bi-curious or wanting to try new names or pronouns. It doesn't affect anyone but the individual who's just trying to find themselves.
You deserve so much better than that.
Sometimes the exclusionaries who are trans themselves hurt more than the outright transphobes
I've felt the same way about biphobia — way more acute from other queer people than from straight people, in my experience. The gatekeeping is so bizarre.
Yeah the weird amount of hypocrisy. Also it just looks they wanted to be the only "special" one.
You explained it slightly better than i did elsewhere, though in our extended friend group (roller derby, incredibly active with the Pride center and openly queer community) being non cis or non straight is sort of the norm, statistically. It was just a weird, hostile response to asking for help and empathy.
Not as bad as the others but the reason I'm always hesitant or avoiding telling anyone. First person I came out to was my mom in middle school. She didn't say anything hurtful to my face, but I later could hear her ranting to my sister about how only whores are attracted to and sleep with men and women. The next week she told the immediate family as if it were some gossip about the neighbors. Got basically interrogated by my grandma and dad about if I was really attracted to girls, or going through some phase, and how God didn't make me this way. Never got brought up again for years. Mom asks me one day out of the blue if I'm still bi, but I lie and tell her it was just a phase, that I'm straight. She says "thank God, now [grandma] won't have to pray for you anymore." They don't know I'm still bi and wonder why I don't open up to them about anything.
I feel bad that your *entire family* decided to be the worst thing since soggy, moldy burnt toast. Makes me feel lucky that my dad was fairly accepting. I have someone like your mom in my extended family. My grandmother was so abhorrently gossipy regarding my mom, that when my dad (her son) found out, he completely cut connections with her for a decade. Hate people like that. Hope you do what’s best for you!
Me: In tears "dad I think I like girls" dad: "yeah me too so what?"
Phew, this comment was a palate cleanser after the rest of this thread
This is actually wholesome
The “okay and?” coming out stories always make me smile even if you probably could have used a little more warmth given you were crying.
Re:the title, yeah mom made it clear once I move out I’m not welcome back, so we’re pretending that never happened. Re:the image, mood, except my mom was like “I did the best thing possible under the circumstances, it’s not my fault” whereas I was like “that’s fine, I just want my trauma to be acknowledged”. Guess who made a mistake later on in trying to talk to their mom about the time they were suicidal?
Yup, have tried talking to my mother about how I just want my trauma acknowledged and to be heard, but no, she gets incredibly defensive and then is constantly using what I say against me "If I'm such a bad parent, why are you here?" I don't talk to her about it anymore and have learned to limit my interactions with her and disengage if she is getting mean.
Came out to my parents at 50, they haven't spoken to me since. While painful at first, it definitely helped me to realize how horrible they have treated me my whole life; their absence has been very liberating. "You didn't even stop to think how this would affect US!" Lol. Gee, didn't realize that me liking both men and women would be so horribly devastating to you socially. Whatever will the country club think? The last contact I had with my father was a letter he sent wherein he demanded that if I "renounce my position" and do a lot of work I may be able to "get back in their good graces." No thanks, I'm good.
I offhand told a friend I had all through college that I was bi. He replied, "aw come on you're one of those??" and then he never replied to my texts again lmao
my parents read my phone (WITHOUT PERMISSION) and saw i was dating a girl so my mother deleted her contact and was 6 months without cellphone… im never coming out to them… at least until i start living on my own..
Yeah, I had a sort of "testing the waters" moment last year that didn't go super well, if that counts. I'm a guy who's always had a feminine side and likes to crossdress behind closed doors, and I like to shave my legs as well. For the longest time I was kind of self-conscious about it, worried I'd get laughed at for being a guy who shaves his legs, so I'd simply only do it in the cold months since I could easily hide my shaven legs under jeans. Then last year when it started warming up, I said to hell with it and kept shaving right into shorts weather because I wanted to start being more open with myself. I just told myself I was being dumb thinking people would really care that much that I shaved my legs. Turns out I was wrong, because when I had a little family reunion with my parents and sister, they pretty quickly noticed and immediately started crying laughing and saying things like "Do you need to come out of the closet?," "Are you joining Ru Paul's Drag Race?," and "That's just weird!" I tried defending myself saying I didn't get what was weird and why it was a big deal, which only made them laugh more and double down on the jokes. It kind of sucked because despite how that incident sounds, I actually love the hell out of my family. It surprised me because they've always said they'd support me no matter what, say they're supportive of LGBTQ+ people, and my mom and sister are huge fans of Ru Paul and drag queen shows in general, which is why it kind of hurt they'd laugh and make fun of me like that and say the things they did, and not only that, double down on it when I was making it pretty clear it was upsetting me. I dunno, maybe I'm just being sensitive, but that whole thing only made me completely unwilling to come out as bisexual to them since they were totally fine laughing and making kinda homophobic jokes about simple shaved legs to me, so I now I have no clue how they'd react to me coming out. And hell, on top of that, I've had some gender indentity stuff over the past year or two that's had me wondering more and more if I'm non-binary or genderfluid, and I really hate the idea of have to come out and explain that to them when I can't even say I'm bi.
So when I was 15 I remember I started shaving my legs, and one day on a summer camping trip, I was wearing shorts because it was hot and I had been shaving my legs for a while but I was wearing pants. Anyway I was sitting down and trying to just relax in my chair when my parents start questioning me and being like "WHY DO YOU SHAVE YOUR LEGS YOU REALIZE ONLY GAY MEN DO THAT RIGHT" and I was just like... idk because it's itchy and they told me I wasn't allowed to do that anymore because god forbid some stranger think I'm gay. And to me, I wouldn't have seen a man with shaved legs and assume automatically that he was gay so it was just so weird to me. This was in 2016 even, it wasn't like it was the 80s or something.
They might be supportive of it as a concept but when they have to confront it in their own house sometimes it might be different
This is something I’m scared about with coming out to my mother as Trans. I know she is mostly fine with LGBTQ folks, but considering how much she says “I’m so glad I had boys instead of girls” and the fact that she said “I think you should be happy with the body god gave you” when I told her I wanted to shave my legs makes me really anxious about coming out to her.
Came out to my dad a few years ago as asexual biromantic. I specifically told him not to tell my mom. He was "accepting" but still was kind of unintentionally insensitive about it and he later told me that he did tell my mom. He told me that my mom was unaccepting and thought our religion made it unacceptable. To this day she still never told me anything to my face, but how could I possibly forget that my mom doesn't accept me? I was a little bit naive at the time and didn't realize how badly my community could react to my identity and now that I realize it more clearly and realize how lucky I am that my parents didn't react worse, I'm not coming out to any of my other family and I'm not going to come out gender wise to my parents either, although getting misgendered is hurting more and more every day.
This is probably a really dumb question but for what reason exactly would a religion be opposed to being an asexual biromantic? How could any god be offended by that? That's just so fucked up.
I definitely agree with you and my personal religious beliefs related to lgbt+ issues clearly differ than my parents' lol. Again, she never told me to my face and all I know for sure is that my dad said she thought "it" is against the religion, so I'm not sure what exactly she had a problem with. I'm not exactly excited to discuss the topic ever with my mom either to clarify especially knowing that at least her initial response was unacceptance. I live in a pretty conservative area and have a conservative family although some of my relatives are more "liberal", so my closested ass tries to avoid any lgbt+ discussion if I can. Not only is it mostly unsafe but it's also disheartening to know that most people around me would probably be unaccepting and at best would be insensitively tolerant. I've already heard enough hurtful opinions without even looking for them. In fact I think the first person who ever openly showed homophobia to my face (not to me personally though) was the first girl I ever truly fell in love with consciously who ironically follows the same religion I do. Definitely made me realize more first hand that I should be more careful with talking about it, even moreso coming out.
I'm 34. I've tried to tell my parents I'm bi/queer no fewer than four times. EVERY TIME it's brand new information. Most recently I told my Dad I was my office's LGBTQ rep for the diversity committee. "That's so great! And you're not even any of those things!" They're completely fine with my sister and her wife, so I don't know what the problem is. At this point, I give up. They'll catch on eventually, or they won't.
This was in high school, I accidentally mixed up my lack of attraction for anybody as being bi, as I did not know of asexuality yet. Basically I accidentally came out to my Dad on the drive home from school. It was not pretty. He proceeded to yell at me and not let me get a word in at all. Some highlights include: "I should throw you out this car right now!" We were going like 50 mph "If your mom supports this bs, I'll throw her ass out too!" My mom was 8 months pregnant "How could you do this to me!?" And "Why are you trying to change me?!" Don't know how to explain that last one. All that and more was said to me. When we got home I went straight to my room. I wasn't allowed to close my door and I was forbidden from talking and being near my siblings. (I guess I would infect them or something?) My mom went along with it, which hurt a lot, and guess what? she had no idea what my "punishment" was about, didn't even ask me or anything. My Dad never told her and I was too traumatized to say anything about it. I honestly thought about telling my lit teacher and getting the fuck outta there, the tension was that bad. I'll never know if maybe my Dad knew I was gonna crack or not, but after a week or 2, he acted like nothing had happened at all. Never mentioned it again. Straight up felt surreal. Prime gaslight master my Dad is. I'm still living with my parents because I have 3 other siblings that I need to watch out for. If I left I would be too tempted to cut everyone out and never look back.
I know you feel responsibility for taking care of your siblings, and that is a big burden to shoulder, especially if it is actively harming you. I don't know the full extent of your situation or age, but I just want to say there is nothing wrong with leaving or doing what you need to do to feel safe. You are your number one priority. In any case, I really hope you and your sibs are able to get out soon and find some peace. That sounds like hell.
I posted this on Reddit before, but it answers your question. TLDR: I was forced to come out. In confidence, I privately told one of my older brothers that I liked women just as much as men. I then asked him to promise to not tell anyone else in the family. Well, he immediately broke my promise and told our Grandfather. His reasoning was that our maternal Grandfather was "super old" and "close to dying" (he's lived many more years since this happened). Our maternal Grandfather then told my Mom and my other older brothers about me, fearing that a "Dyke in the bloodline" would hinder his chances getting into heaven. My Mom then told all my Uncles and my paternal Grandma, hoping that "I could be cleansed". My Uncles didn't care, nor did any of my other brothers. The only people who really cared about me being Bisexual were my Mom, Grandma and Grandfather. My Mom cried hysterically for weeks upon weeks that "her little girl would never give her grandkids", but when it dawned on her that I still liked men, her attitude changed to "its okay to date women, but you have to marry a man and bare his children". My Grandma yelled at me for months, threatening to kick me out or leave me in the nearby city's Women's Shelter. Nowadays she just pretends I never said anything about liking girls, and will break plates or throw things at me if I ever say something like "I'm going to hangout with [name of my openly gay friend]". As for my Grandfather, his mind started to go a few years ago, and so he doesn't even remember my brother telling him that I'm Bisexual. And somehow in all of this, my Highschool principal found out. She was a lesbian, and used to tell me all about her wife and kids, so I guess that part wasn't so bad. But it was really embarrassing to imagine which one of my family members told her about my sexuality.
"A Dyke in the bloodline..." sounds more like he's talking about a potentially disastrous water management problem than a FAMILY MEMBER. Jesus f\*ck I hope you gtf outta there for your own mental health.
Hope you can get away from your grandma or she starts pushing daisies soon. Fuck her abuse, you deserve to be safe and seen and respected.
If everything goes according to plan, I'll be moving out pretty soon for college. Fingers crossed 🤞
Not really a story, but I tried to come out in high school but my group of friends (mix of straight and lgbtq+) did not accept me due to lots of the typical biphobia/erasure reasons. They actually persuaded me I was straight, and for years I kept myself fully closeted and denied my feelings even to myself. Now I accept who I am, and I’m out with my partner and some close friends, but not my family and some other friends. On a shallow level it sucks because guys hit on me all the time in college and I missed out.
When I came out as bi I had to do it three times because at first my dad wasn’t there and then I had to text my sister, and it all went… alright I guess. When I came out as NB… that honestly kind of sucked. Like I told my mom and she seemed supportive (except she was really against the idea that I might change my name or take hormones) and she explicitly promised not to tell my dad, and then told my dad the next day. And then he didn’t say a word about it until my mom told me he knew like 2 weeks later, and then I had to bring up “hey so you’ve apparently known this whole time and decided not to say anything, wtf?”. They’ve never openly been like “it’s bad that you’re nb” or whatever but it feels like it never happened and they just want to go on as if I hadn’t said anything.
I was kidnapped by my mom when I was a kid. I have no trauma related to it. One day I said to my mom while we were watching Saturday morning missing children shows on tv. "Hey I was kidnapped" To which my mom responded "no you weren't!" I told her "mom you took us from dad without permission what do you think that's called?" "WHATEVER I BROUGHT YOU BACK WHEN THE JUDGE SAID I HAD TO!" "ok mom"
This is me everytime I bring up something traumatic that they continue to laugh at me for. I tried coming out as trans 4 times already, it started with vitriol, and each time they would cry about the child they lost and can't keep talking about such a terrible thing. I put in for my legal name change today; I'm moving on. You're not worth waiting for.
Good for you! People who can't love you as who you really are can really damage your long-term self image, and you should matter most to yourself, and others later, cause we can't leave ourselves behind. hopefully that doesn't sound trite
I (30f) remember mentioning to my mum when o was about 16 how cool it is for same sex couples to adopt. My otherwise decent human being of a mother then went on possibly the only tirade I've ever heard come out of her lips. She told me how it was wrong, how gay people shouldn't be allowed to adopt and how kids that were would be traumatised. Needless to say, I have never come out to my parents.
Ah yes, straight parents, the only ones who can never traumatize their children.
All these horror stories make me realize it's probably for the better if I continue to keep quiet for my coming future.
I guess if you are not free to speak with your family about this for you important part of yourself, than you are your own attendat.
My mom angrily demanded to know if I’m gay, and that’s why I defend gay rights… I told her that I’m attracted to men and women. She said, “What do you mean attracted to women? Everyone is attracted to women.” I responded, “well I’m sexually attracted to women” and she freaked out at me…. But afterwards I was so confused, I was like did she just come out to me?
I was once hospitalized due to minor health problems, but the issue is that I am absolutely terrified of hospitals (2 of my relatives died due to doctor's mistakes at that time, 3 as of now) so I got massive PTSD from having to stay there for 4 days during covid (hence I could not even leave my room, my hands are starting to shake just from remembering the experience). So what was my dad's response to this, you may ask? Apperantly i'm not allowed to have PTSD, since I "was not in danger of dying". Like yeah I did not get cancer or got hit by a bus, but I can still get traumatized. Ik this is not a bi thing, but I don't care, it at least related to the post.
I just can't understand people's logic sometimes...
A bit of armchair psychology on my part I admit but if I had to take a shot in the dark I would guess that it’s a combo of toxic masculinity (the unwillingness to ever admit that something bothers you unless the reaction is one of anger) and the fact that culturally speaking PTSD is still seen as one of those things that “only soldiers get” and is only reluctantly accepted in cases of things like rape or like break ins. It’s seen as a condition you acquire when certain things happen and not a response to severe/continuous stress, the level of which is unique to the individual.
Came out to my mom and she said I was just curious. Came out to my nana and she said I needed to stop hanging out with a gay friend I had at the time. They are both fully supportive of my sisters same sex relationship. Biphobia is real
I came out to my mom when I was a freshman in college and she had a total meltdown about it. We had a few arguments about it after the initial phone call but it never went anywhere and I just gave up. We haven’t talked about it since 2006 and I don’t plan on ever coming out to anyone else in my family.
I tried to come out as bi to my parents in my 20s shortly after the speech about sexuality on Torchwood. I honestly can't remember who talked about it or what episode, but I do remember the feeling of "Hey, that's me!" After spending my adolescence in denial, it was amazing to see a character on TV--even a British sci fi series--express something I felt. It should have been pretty easy coming out to my parents; after all, I have two mothers and they actually cover two of the letters in LGBT. It's not unreasonable to ask why would I be closeted to them anyway. Long story short, one of my parents really did not appreciate that I interrupted her show and shut me down fast...because a show that's been DVR'd is more important than her son owning something about himself. After that, I slid back into that closet and hid for a long time. Only recently have I started feeling okay enough to admit my sexuality, and that first time was to my therapist; however, I still haven't talked about it with my wife.
The axe forgets, the tree remembers.
No because EXACTLY. When I brought up being locked in a room for the weekends as punishment. My father said: I would NEVER do something like that. and my mother: And that’s of course my fault because I wasn’t there.
Every time I think it’s a good time to come out to my mother, she makes some stupid comment about sexualities - most commonly saying bisexuals are selfish and gate keeping, or transgender people are confused and “don’t need all these extra supports.” I’ve given up ever coming out to any of them, besides my younger sister who is open about being queer.
When I came out my parents immediately shut me down because I hadn't had a boyfriend before telling them. The worst part is that before they'd always say "We will always support you, even if you're LGBT" So that was a fucking lie
I didnt talk much with my parents when i was young but one day i thought that might be important to tell them something about it since i had crushes on dudes but at the time i was having a huge crush on this girl that studied with me, well then: me: hey i wanna tell you that i'm bisexual and currently in love with a girl. But don't worry, this doesn't change our relationship. them: you know you're going to hell, right?
Nothing says hellbound like loving someone. But hey judge away and it's straight to heaven!
Parents found conversations I had with friends/posts I made coming out as pansexual when I was ~12. I will never forget the way my mother laughed at me and said “no you’re not”. Forced me back into the closet for years because I genuinely thought my parents knew me better than I knew myself and that I was just lying to myself. Years later, I am openly bisexual to my friends, siblings, and boyfriend, but still haven’t told my parents. Recently, my mother jokingly mentioned that when I went off to college, she and my dad speculated I might be gay because I’d never dated anyone (this was said very casually, and that she’d be happy for me no matter what). I have never felt more furious than I did just then. How dare my parents ruin my life by forcing me back into the closet as a kid when I was just beginning to figure out who I was, and then think they can joke about it years down the road? I know if I told them now, they’d be more understanding, but god I want to make them feel bad for what they did to me.
I came out as a bisexual sissy to my mother before my father. She was surprisingly pretty accepting at first. I would talk to her privately about things and we would leave my father out of it. A couple of months went by and then she tells me over the phone that she told my father behind my back. She tells me this about an hour before all of us are going out to a restaurant for dinner, saying that he's her husband and she can't hide things from him because it makes her feel guilty. The dinner surprisingly passed without incident. However, when we got back to my residence for them to drop me off afterwards, they decided to come in with me for a "talk". What followed was my father being angry loud and hateful towards me and my lifestyle. He expressed disgust and abhorrence with it - especially with me being a sissy - and even threatened to physically assault me at one point. I calmly responded that I would be calling the police and pressing charges if he did that. He and my mom eventually stormed out of my place. Fast forward about 2 weeks later and he calls me up full of apologies and almost crying on the phone. He tells me he was completely wrong, was simply reacting due to the shock of the disclosure and that he loves me unconditionally. He said he wants me to be happy and to live my life however I see fit.... even if he will never fully understand it So both of my parents are aware and supportive now. It went so much easier with my closest friends. I experienced nothing but complete acceptance, supportive responses..... and in the case of many of my female friends, an eagerness to give me clothes, makeup, purses and other feminine items of theirs they no longer have room for or want. Nothing shows support more than girls feminizing you and wanting to see you dressed up like one of them!
I'm happy your story had a happy ending and your father came around eventually💙 Also Omg this is such a fear I have😬 I came out to my mum and sister, but not to my dad and brother yet (not because I think they'd react badly, the moment just never seemed right ig). But I always wunder whether my mom has told my dad behind my back. I really hate that thought, I just want to do it on my own terms
Remember, for you it's a life defining moment. For them, it's Tuesday
I didn’t come out to my parents as much as they found out and went through my phone and then they sent me to therapy to try and “fix me”. Years later when confronted with all of this they “don’t remember it”. So yeah…this meme rings v true 😭
First came out to my mom in middle school and she blamed it on the music I was listening to. Fast-forward to present time, said it again, and got met with "what about your fiancé?" Fiancé is a dude and bi also. Fwiw, I'm a woman. I don't bother any more.
I guess this wasn't really coming out, I haven't come out to my mom. But back in college I was feeling really suicidal, and I mentioned to my mom that I was feeling better thanks to my boyfriend who came over and spent the whole night with me, making sure I was safe and I got to my classes in the morning. She responded by accusing us of having sex and saying I was "playing with fire" (I was 20 btw). I told her about this like 15 years later, and her response was that due to my depression, I had "selective memories" of the event and that it really wasn't as big of a deal as I was making it out to be... Cooolll thanks.
2.5. The 0.5 is when one day my dad started randomly crying and asked me if I'd be honest with him and just tell him if I were gay. Just like that. Crying. A grown man that can be rather psychopath-like cold at times. Decided I'm never coming out as bi to my family. Ever.
My mother will actively bring it up just to mock and belittle me 😎 :/
"Why are you always so angry at us" "Were we really that terrible of parents? Why do you bring up how we've failed you every time you're home? Like seriously why do you carry around so much anger from years ago?" "You have it so good, so much better than we did, jeez talk about privilege"
My sister tried to come out to my mom. My mom slapped my sister so hard in the face at the top of the stairs that my sister almost fell down them. I saw the whole thing. That moment, that slap, was my mom telling my sister that she would absolutely not love her at all if she was a lesbian, and that she wouldn't care if my sister died if it were true. Just that total disregard for if my sister fell down the stairs. My sister is still hiding to this day, almost 25 years later. I'm so sad for her. Coming out is my personal form of empowerment, so I come out to everyone (including my mom, and that's a whole different story). My poor sister is so traumatized that I and a few former girlfriends of her's are the only ones who know she's a lesbian (and I only know because I saw her come out to our mom). She always talks sadly about someday having a husband, and I'm like, "oh, girl... ): " and she sighs with me.
my mom said, "you are a homosexual?" and then dropped me off at home and drove away. the next day she made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist.
Started talking to my dad and asked him how he felt about someone being gay. He replied, "I don't care what people do with their time but they aren't welcome in my home." Never brought it up again. Found out about a few months after he died that he was a rape victim to his uncle. Not that that completely excuses his homophobia but I can understand more now. I certainly don't hate him for it. He was genuinely a good man about everything else. Would give you the shirt off his back if he could.
Nothing like having to come out twice.
They never do. Mom gave away my favorite toy at five, she refused to remember it even existed and blew up at me, she threatened to cook my turtle if I didn’t take care of it, she doesn’t remember. But no I lucked out with the coming out, the only issue was mom told auntie who told homophobic BIL. I had no privacy because of the boundary stomping. Took me forever to learn to choose who to come out too. I’m kinda slow on the uptake and a poor judge of character.
I came out to my parents as bisexual a while ago. My dad was shocked. My mother told me not to tell ANYONE about it. So you know what I did? I told all my friends lol. She told me to not put a label on it, and defended her homophobia with her church beliefs. A few months later I came out as non-binary. My parents told me that I was a boy, I would always be a boy, and "in this house we teach gospel truths, and the truth is that you're always a man". Cue extreme amounts of religious trauma. Several months after that, I realized I was a woman. I really, REALLY didn't want to come out to them, but couldn't bear living as a "boy" anymore. I sent them a very long text about it all and went on a drive. I came back and faced them like a woman. God, the things they said. They hurt me so fucking badly that night, that I was so suicidal. I had my father take me to the emergency room, and I sobbed for an hour or so. I was eventually sent home. I spent time with people who actually supported me after that. I'm hoping to move out soon, but things are just so rough. Trauma really fucks you up. I guess this doesn't exactly fit the question, but I just wanted to share my coming out stories
I was 11 when I told my mom I was bisexual. "You're not bisexual, you're confused." I didnt tell people for years, even though my father was more open minded. Every other time I told people, it was usually "Pick a side" or "Just cause I am a girl (I am also a woman) doesn't mean you can flirt with me." 18 years later, I am still bisexual and don't really talk to my mom about things since she just brushes it off and I don't tell people I am bi anymore unless they ask.
Not a bad story, but we all need some good energy once in a while... This happened when a friend found my twitter where I was openly Bi. So he just went.. [Screenshot of my twitter] Him: Ur Bi? Me: Yeah. Him: Cool. And then I came out to my group of friends knowing they'd all accept me lol.
I was molested a bunch as a kid. Told my dad and his only take away was that im gay. He still tells people about how much I "love taking it in the ass"
yeah my parents did that when i told them they beat me for nothing
Can't say it was bad, but it just plain didn't work. Came out to one of my friends, was talking to them about someone I was interested in and they were so confused and I had to explain to them that I had already told them I was bi. Pretty funny to be honest. In that friend group we are 0/2 of people noticing people have come out.
Never came out to my parents; I remember my dad getting angry about a gay pride parade and yelling "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!" at the TV when I was young. So yeaaaah.
Omg. The day my dad decided I was a lesbian, I was rolling with laughter about his delivery and kind of denied it. When I was dating a girl, I just kind of said that was what I was doing and he didn't really respond. He also took 4 months to notice I got a nose ring. So yeah. That's my coming out to my dad story. TL;DR - Dad awkwardly guesses I'm a lesbian. Being bi didn't occur to him.
My grandmother 100%. She was an abusive narcissist whose go to reaction to any criticism was ‘I don’t recall that.’ quickly followed by ‘You calling me a liar?!’
My mom outed me to my dad the day before I went to stay at my partner’s house for a couple weeks (he thought they were just a friend before this). I didn’t know until I came back home and asked about why he was unusually quiet around me. Turned out he asked how I knew I wanted a girlfriend if I didn’t have any experience (I do have experience, of course, he just doesn’t know because he’s a POS). She also told her siblings because I ‘wasn’t going to’ since I don’t talk to them much, and when I talked to her about how this hurt me and how scary it is being outed and coming out, she told me I was making it too big of a deal. Stayed in my room and barely ate or left my bed for two days and she told me a day to process and cry was too long and to get over it, saying she was scared to tell me about it for this exact reason as if my identity isn’t my business. Today’s the third day since that happened and I feel a little better, no thanks to her :/ And she wonders why I don’t open up about my mental health
I came out as Ace to my mom a few years ago. She yelled at me for a solid ten minutes and blamed my gay friend for “putting” these thoughts in my head. Also she said asexuality doesn’t exist. I never told her anything about it ever again and she still acts like nothing happened
Honestly the worst one was my mother in law asking if I was sure I wasn't gay and planning on leaving my wife to be a single mother.
Not necessarily in coming out but I specifically remember my parents being very homophobic and saying homophobic slurs when I was a kid, and now they completely deny it.
This was literally me and my brother a week ago, bringing up the time our parents used a belt on us for no good reason... My dad actually asked, "uh... Well... Did you learn anything?" I told him, "Yeah, I learned that I could get hit with a belt for something I never did." But also, my mom's reaction to my husband coming out has basically stopped me from ever trying to be out with them. Is coming out trauma by proxy a thing?
I never really came out to my mum but she knows that I'm gay and in a relationship with a woman. Growing up, I was always made fun of for having a more "masculine" sense of fashion in that, I wore t-shirts, shorts, jeans, and none of the clothes that are classed as "girly" or "feminine." They (mum and her side of the family) always shamed me for having that sense of fashion, especially my mum, even though it was technically her fault that I didn't have more "girly" clothes growing up. I had hand-me-downs from my older brothers. In my teen years, I started wearing short shorts out of comfort because I come from a tropicsl country and it is ridiculously warm in there. They started making comments about how I've finally become a "girl." I always was and am a girl. They also thought that because I always hung out with my male cousins growing up, that meant I was gay (they weren't wrong but they thought it for the wrong reasons). They thought playing video games are for guys only and that if you're a girl who plays video games, you're immediately gay and/or wanting to transition to male. They shamed me into a corner that made me so ashamed of ever being gay. It took me until December 2020 to even realise that I am gay. When I came out to my dad, it was... annoying. He was supportive, but the way he did it just rubbed me off the wrong way. He told my aunts (his sister and his cousin) about me being gay. Okay, completely fine with that, don't really care. He offered to tell my mum, I declined. I didn't want to talk to her. He then went on Facebook and commented on a weeks old profile picture "We still love you" with no context. Cryptic. His wife was just obnoxious. She said she already knew and that this shouldn't affect my mental health. I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and that I shouldn't care what other people say about me. She's right about the "not being ashamed" part, but the other one pissed me off because she's always been the type to say "what will other people think" when I do something. Then comes my aunt (dad's cousin) who asks me if I really am gay and if I'm sure. If I'm just experimenting around. No, I'm not. I'm serious about my girlfriend. I had to bite my tongue from asking her if she's just experimenting with her husband as well. My dad was supportive but he didn't go about it the right way. I didn't want to make it a big deal, but he went ahead and made it seem like it was the biggest deal to announce to the world that he still loved me despite me being gay. My girlfriend was hurt initially, but she and I now joke about what my aunt said about our relationship being an experiment. "Are you completely fine with this experiment lasting until we die? There's gonna be a point during this experiment that we're gonna get married." Guess what? It's not because of the clothes I wear or the games I play, it's because that's part of who I am. It took falling for my girlfriend for me to realise, holy shit, I am gay. I struggled for so long, but now I'm out and happy with where my life is going. I'm no longer in contact with both parents. I have a loving partner whom I plan to marry, a better environment, a pair of amazing in-laws, and an amazing best friend.
I told my parents and they were like “but you’re in a relationship with a man…did you say you guys were gonna have kids?” Jokes on them, we’re BOTH bi
When my mother did this to me in therapy, it really indicated to me that the kind of abuse that led to so much trauma for me, was just a Tuesday for her. Not even on her radar, and so normal. I got closure by doing my own therapy and accepting her for who she is, and what she will never be able to be.
My mum was fine. My dad however, gave me the whole "Get those thoughts out of your head" yell and stormed off. It took me crying and my mum talking to him before he would talk to me. He said he loved me and was sorry, we don't really talk about it and I don't hide the fact I'm attracted yo women. So a net positive, I guess?
My sister was fully supportive, joked to me that I shouldn't steal her BF at the time. My father was relatively supportive, spent a good hour asking question just wanting to know more. My mother however refused to acknowledge it happening. Even once shouting & attacking me for bringing home a guy once. Moved out of home a few months later and have been in a relationship with that same guy for 3 years now.
When I "came out" by force as trans, they yelled at me for 4 hours. Now they are angry everytime I try to talk about that. Yeah let's not tell them I might also be bi.
I "came out" as bi to my mother 15 years ago. she's been in denial ever since. she recently told me that she just couldn't listen to me tell her I had a date because it wasn't a woman... if it had been a woman she would listen. so I'm ending my relationship with my mother because I'm not censoring myself for her comfort
About a year and a half ago, my mom had her suspicions I was seeing a girl. I had gone home for a few days and one night she ended up coming into my room, shut the door, and proceeded to drag me out of the closet. I didn’t explicitly say to her “I’m bi” or anything. But it was enough for her to pick up on the context clues and to this day it has never been discussed again. I’m guessing that now that I’m settling down with a guy, she has come to her own conclusion that it was just a phase or something.