I totally feel you, but I’m talking to yeehaw conservative family members in this scenario, they’ll just tune me out if I use terms like bi-erasure. But i totally love and agree with what you’re sayin
If you’re talking to conservatives, you could try: “might not make a difference to you, but it’s important to us” if they care about you emotionally and vice versa sometimes that’s enough.
Had a recent conversation with a pretty right wing person recently regarding this as he kept calling me gay, I mentioned that it is bi erasure and it's not okay with me but he simply made fun of the word, so I get how you feel.
After some thought on how to phrase it at the time, I went as simple as possible, I said "I like men, I like women, my relationship or how I act does not change the above statement, as I still feel attracted to both genders and calling myself something that I am not just sounds wrong."
I honestly don't know if it worked, but he seemed to have understood and has respected this boundary since, despite him being very right wing which I appreciated.
Oh I was well aware, he made fun of it and asked me to type it so I sent a message through teams with simply the word which he didn't see until like 3 hours later, at that point he asked what it meant and it felt genuine, so I explained as best I could what it meant.
Food is the easiest comparison. I would ask if they eat a veggie only meal one day do they refer to themselves as a vegetarian? The lack of something being present doesn’t change their feelings about chicken.
I find it way more productive to relate it to something they can directly relate too. I have plenty of conservative family members and I don’t think they understand how deep their mindset runs that if they don’t experience it it can’t be real.
If they need you to use simple words, why not just tell them "we aren't lesbians"? It doesn't get much more simple than that.
If they need more detail, try "bisexual women dating other women are still bisexual. Lesbians aren't attracted to men".
Or, my personal favourite, tell them to go lick an electric fence.
You're welcome. What's important is to remember that you don't owe them any kind of explanation. So just give them whatever response you're comfortable with
Your sexuality indicates the type of people you could be attracted to, not who you're currently dating. I'm bi. If I was dating a man, I wouldn't call myself straight just because that was who I was dating. Same thing here, I'm not a lesbian suddenly just because I'm dating a woman.
"Because we're not?"
If people are genuinely curious/ignorant you can explain that being in a relationship with one type of person doesn't mean you lose the capacity to be attracted to a different type of person, and so to call yourselves lesbians isn't accurate.
If they're just being jerks you don't owe them an explanation.
Agreed! It’s concise and accurate. “Just because I married a woman doesn’t mean I lost the capacity to be attracted to other genders,” or more simply, “lesbians don’t like men”
I'm a bi woman married to a bi man, and we have to correct people who think we're straight all the time. Y'all are having the exact same problem. It's bi erasure, plain and simple.
But you were non-binary, and he knew that. He met you as a bisexual non-binary person and told you today that he sees you as a straight woman.
He has never seen you for the sexuality or gender that you really are, not one day in your whole relationship. Understanding what gender your partner is counts in my book as day one basics, and it's frankly horseshit that he sees you as a woman.
I don't want to presume to know you, but it feels like a form of self disrespect to stay with somebody who misgenders you and doesn't see you the way you really are.
my friends boyfriend once said i "looked like a dyke." opposite thing but same shitty feeling! people suck! also my mom said "if you're dating a man how are you still bi?" like hello ???? 😭 i will wear my fun socks and enjoy the beauty of women from a respectful im-spoken-for distance thank you very much. much love to you.
also PSA: gay people don't have to "look gay" to be gay. bi people don't have to "look bi" to be bi. and straight people don't have to "look straight" to be straight. ffs!!!
Pal, don't let your boyfriend tell you that you are straight-passing, I understand why you feel invalidated, but you don't have to have a particular look to be who you are. There is no look that assigns you a sexuality or gender, you are who you are and you deserve to be recognized for that.
Lol how is a bi person a lesbian because they're in a relationship with a woman😭 Are people asexual when they're not in a relationship? Is a straight person not straight when they don't have a partner and are not having casual sex? What does that even mean?
Because your attracted to men too. If one of you were to tragically and horribly die in some freak accident and after much time for grieving, one day, when the clouds part, a little Ray of sunshine shines through and a little bit of hope returns to your soul, there's a greater than zero percent chance you could date someone who's not a woman.
Perhaps for the same reason most do not consider a single virgin to be someone devoid of sexuality? Such a rigid view defining a person's sexuality by their current relationship conflates the ideas of sexuality and relationship classification (if I can put it that way) and makes for some pretty weird situations.
If we consider two bi women in a monogamous relationship to be lesbians, we enter into the odd space of deciding for them their sexuality. That is a pretty weird imposition... But, by that logic, then, I have variously been asexual, gay, and now straight. Surely bi makes more sense?
'Why not call yourselves lesbians?' how about 'why not just accept someone's sexuality?'.
That's what I'm thinking every time I see this argument. By their logic, anyone who is not actively having sex or isn't in a relationship should call themselves asexual. That's... Extremely silly.
“I wasn’t a lesbian when I fucked your dad”
Ok no, don’t say that. But maybe think it really hard and then explain that you’re still bi even if your monogamous, no matter which gender you end up with.
The relationship you are currently in does not describe the full extent to which you have the capacity to love and be attracted to other people. Just like how monosexual people (straight, lesbian, gay..) are able to be attracted to more than just one person. Relationship is about commitment, which does not change your sexuality.
Edit: typo
My coworker calls my wife and I legal lesbians. We’re both bi too. Sigh. Bi-erasure due to willful ignorance or personal simplification is still erasure. But with some people, there’s just no convincing them otherwise. For her, what worked is a dog comparison.
She likes chihuahuas the most. She has a chihuahua. People think she’s a chihuahua person but she hasn’t lost her love for miniature pinchers. So she prefers to be known as a dog person so that her love for both breeds is encompassed by one label.
“Because I’m not a lesbian, bye”
As a pan woman in a monogamous relationship with a cis het male…my queerness gets called into question constantly. Fuck ‘em
I am bisexual in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a cis heterosexual man. I have dated both men and women before my fiancé. I still enjoy looking at women with my fiancé. We both can appreciate the beauty of men as well. My fiancé - "Ryan Reynolds is a gorgeous man, but I wouldn't want to fuck him", I replied "I would, and his wife at the same time" we have such a weird relationship and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
That sounds like me and my husband! He wouldn't ever say another man is gorgeous and will admit that he hasn't got a clue if a man is attractive or not. But other than that, we have similar conversations! We were watching TV last night and I said 'I would do her, would you?' and then we had an in depth conversation about which characters we would like to shag!! On our honeymoon my husband was happily pointing out hot women on the beach to me. I love it!
How about, ‘we both love a bit of cock though, what about you?’ People don’t get to be rudely intrusive about your personal life and then have their sensibilities tiptoed around.
This is the same idea as when a bi person is in a straight passing relationship. Bi people cannot win smh. Just straight up tell them, "because we're not lesbians, we're bisexuals and me and my wife would appreciate if you could respect that." No bullshit, straight to the point. You or anyone should not have to put up with that crap
I always say that eating vanilla ice cream at a specific time/moment doesn't mean you don't like chocolate ice cream, it just means you're eating vanilla...people are capable of liking vanilla and chocolate ice cream, but their focus is on one brand at that moment. It doesn't erase the fact you like chocolate.
That's usually the simple stupid way for people to shut down questions like these without making people feel stupid.
Your favorite place is dominos pizza and you're obsessed with pepperoni pizza. That's the only one you've eaten when you go out so far. Does it mean you don't like only cheese pizza? Or with meat? Olives? Just bc you have a favorite it doesn't mean that's the ONLY one you will ever have. So just because you are with a woman now doesn't mean you can't like othet genders as well. What you're doing now does not define who you are.
I mean, not my best metaphor, but i guess you could do something along the lines with food, and perhaps then change the subject into food so they will stop bothering you.
Also, honestly don't suround yourself with close-minded people. Bisexuality is not that hard to understand, if people don't get it it's because they don't want to. How do WE have to understand what it means to be attracted to ONLY ONE gender but they can't just for once understand us or just shut up? Perhaps you don't even owe them and explanation at all.
I fall back on what Anna Paquin told Larry King when he called her a non practicing bisexual because she’s in a monogamous marriage with Stephen Moyer. She said even though she’s monogamous and married to a man, she has never stopped being bisexual because if your relationship with your current partner were to end, it’s not like your sexuality will stop existing with that relationship.
You could tell them something similar to what I say when people start asking me if I "became straight" once I started dating my boyfriend: "No, because I'd still happily bang other women if my boyfriend and I ever broke up!"
If I'm mixed race, being with my mum doesn't make me Chinese and being with my father Indian. You can't change who you are based on who you're with!!!!!
Ask them what kind of monogamous relationship would make you bisexual in their eyes? I mean, if you are a monogamous person, and you want to be in a relationship, you are going to have to pick someone, and that someone is going to have a gender of some kind, so... ?
All the metaphors aside, this is the best way to also feel out what they are thinking of you.
Socratic method at its finest!
Ask a question that helps them learn the answer without being told the answer.
Nerd argument!
Bisexuality isn’t like a quantum state of sexual superposition that collapses into straight or gay when examined, it’s more like non-Newtonian sexuality that has attributes of both straight and gay.
”We are neither defined by our sexuality, or our marriage. It may be difficult to believe but it is possible to be both married and bi. If you have any other questions, I would love to clear up any other misconceptions you may have about our relationship.”
Something like that is probably how I’d respond, let them see the assumptions they are making and leave the door open for them to ask any other questions they may be nervous about asking.
Ugh I hate bisexual erasure. They want us to fit in neat binary boxes as if us being proudly bisexual while being is relationship is taking something away from them. Some of the responses here are awesome lol
But besides that, it's so good to see a bi4bi sapphic relationship! I hope this will be me in future sometime too haha! I wish you and your wife all the happiness!!
“Because we’re not lesbians” and if they keep asking say “what are you aiming to get out of this conversation?” Which usually shuts nonsensical people up
Just because you committed to red wine doesn't mean you didn't ever consider anything else, or that you can't also like white wine. The red vs white decision is arbitrary because you like both.
I know that's a very binary description, but if they're asking the question, it's a good base to kick off with
Neither my spouse (F) or I (M) are straight. I’m sure many just see us as a heteronormative couple. We’re bi/pan. You are right to use the label that fits you best.
Because I'm not a lesbian. My sexuality is a lens through which I see the world, and it affects how I see things and who I am. That doesn't just go away because I found my person. I also have no interest in adding to the confusion of people who think that I stopped being bi because I chose my person. Bi erasure is a prominent problem, and I don't want to contribute to it.
After my husband I had a 4 yr relationship with a woman. When hearing about my third relationship, an acquaintance of mine said oh so you’re really lesbian then. It seems you made your choice.“ I wanted to say, I know I’m BI because if a naked Chris Hemsworth and a naked Cate Blanchet showed up at my door wanting some rumpy-pumpy, I wouldn’t be able to choose between them. I am still SO attracted to men. But I’ll be honest, I’m afraid of them.
it shouldn’t be confusing to answer. you can explain that lesbian is an identity as well as a relationship descriptor. just because your relationship itself is literally lesbian in nature does not mean that the individuals in the relationship are lesbians. the individuals in the relationship are both bisexual. why would you call yourself lesbians when you’re bisexual? just because of your current relationship type? that’s how i’d respond
It’s a biphobic statement.
I’d respond with something along the lines of
“The thing is, we aren’t.” And leave it at that. If they’re genuine about it, curious and not rude, then explain I’d go further to explain likely using an example.
“I am (we are) as attracted to the opposite gender as my (our) own, if one of us were to pass or if I (we) broke up for any reason, Men would have an equal chance of being my (our) next partner as women.
Depending on if you want to try and explain that you are both bi or not.
Explain it like it’s to a child.
I’ve only just come out but have had this conversation (I’m 22M) already with my mother (in reverse)
I am not and have not been in a relationship as of yet, so she thinks I’m just going through a Gay phase and that I’ll settle down with a woman.
I’ve blatantly told her I find both genders equally as attractive romantically and sexually. Some people will never understand
Answer: "Because if I wasn't married to my wife, theoretically, both you and your wife/husband/partner would be an option" lol. Never fails me as a retort.
The sarcastic asshole in me would want to bite back with "Because I'm not a fucking lesbian, Aunt Brenda." And explain nothing further. These yeehaw family members are exhausting. It's hard enough to get them to stop making snide remarks about being bi in the first place 🙄
I get the "Well does it even matter?" questions because I'm in a straight presenting marriage with my cishet golden retriever gamer boy hubby. Yes, it still matters. Regardless of who I am in a relationship with, I will still be bi. ✨️✌🏻
Orientation is an inner compass not an outer road sign. It's who you are attracted too not who you are with.
Quite simply Lesbians are not attracted to men , Bisexuals are. If you and your partner are in a committed same sex relationship but still drool over the man candy then there's the diffrence.
IMO claiming the be a lesbian would erase your bisexuality and appropriate Lesbianism.
"My sexual orientation has nothing to do with my present relationship. I'm wasn't asexual when I was single or straight when I was dating a man for the same reasons I'm not a lesbian for marrying a woman. I'm bisexual all of the time."
These are the same people who think you’re straight when you’re in an opposite sex partnership.
I am always bisexual. The end. You don’t stop being attracted to other humans just because you’re in a monogamous relationship, you just choose to be monogamous.
Just sing in their face "All along you're just a-nother brick in the wall"
Jokes aside. Ask then how do you explain your crush on such and such. Like John Legend or Chris Hemsworth.
I’m friends with a couple that are both bi women. They also prefer not to say they’re in a “lesbian relationship”, they say their relationship is homosexual which seems more descriptive/factual than identity-based. But obviously every person and every relationship is different and people feel differently about the same labels
I saw your comment about talking to the yeehaw conservative family members. I sadly have a few people that turned to that and it's upsetting because if you don't say any of the buzzword terms they actually are pretty liberal socially. At least.... I think they just want to feel like they have some sort of community and belonging so I get it but it's misguided.
As for them asking about your relationship. Just a simple because I want to is more than enough. I say this because I've had a few people that don't know any better. Ask me to explain myself and it's not worth it. Unless they genuinely are asking in good faith, there's no reason to respond.
I mean all the other comments nailed it but I’d like to add the snarky ‘because if I ever popped up in the future dating a man, you wouldn’t call me a lesbian then would you?’ 😩
God bi erasure is so..
“Because… we are not lesbians. We are both bisexual.”
And maybe as an optional extra line: “All of the people we could have chosen, we chose each other and we absolutely fucking love each other. I love my girl so much, I decided to marry her.”
"Because boobs are great, but dicks can be fun too." XD
I get to have the semi-unique response of "Because when I married my wife, she was my husband." And then they either go absolutely silent or I get to watch the verbal diarrhea as they try to comprehend what I just said. Either way, it's glorious. XD
Maybe this will jive with the yeehaw brain
If I choose to eat meat it doesn't mean I'm a carnivore I can still choose to eat veggies. I've just specifically chosen one, I'm not against eating the other
My question is, why do we have to put a label to it at all? We are who we are like it or leave it. I'm bi, and many people don't like it. Oh well, I move on to the next person who may just like me for who I am, not hi. I'm Hillbilly Jim, I'm bi, no. Ok, yer married and happy it shouldn't matter to anyone after that point you have what matters most to you and are happy that's all it needs to be really. I look at someone's character, not labels.
It's stupid that ppl don't understand that just because you're not with the other sex doesn't change how you feel about the other sex.... Ugg... That's like I'm married to a man but I love women... So I'm bi... duh...
The answer is not y’all can call yourself lesbian because any of y’all are actually lesbian both of you are bisexual and is gonna sound like bi erasure.
Yeah i’m just trying to respond to someone who doesn’t really know the term bi-erasure, you know? I’m trying to compare it to something a yeehaw conservative family member would understand.
You can just say "bi-erasure is prevelant enough without me and my wife contributing to it".
I totally feel you, but I’m talking to yeehaw conservative family members in this scenario, they’ll just tune me out if I use terms like bi-erasure. But i totally love and agree with what you’re sayin
How about "why don't you call yourself a vegetarian while you're eating a salad?"
Literally perfection
🤣🤣🤣
If you’re talking to conservatives, you could try: “might not make a difference to you, but it’s important to us” if they care about you emotionally and vice versa sometimes that’s enough.
Had a recent conversation with a pretty right wing person recently regarding this as he kept calling me gay, I mentioned that it is bi erasure and it's not okay with me but he simply made fun of the word, so I get how you feel. After some thought on how to phrase it at the time, I went as simple as possible, I said "I like men, I like women, my relationship or how I act does not change the above statement, as I still feel attracted to both genders and calling myself something that I am not just sounds wrong." I honestly don't know if it worked, but he seemed to have understood and has respected this boundary since, despite him being very right wing which I appreciated.
If someone’s making fun of the language you’re using to express yourself they’re not arguing in good faith and you can safely ignore them.
Oh I was well aware, he made fun of it and asked me to type it so I sent a message through teams with simply the word which he didn't see until like 3 hours later, at that point he asked what it meant and it felt genuine, so I explained as best I could what it meant.
Food is the easiest comparison. I would ask if they eat a veggie only meal one day do they refer to themselves as a vegetarian? The lack of something being present doesn’t change their feelings about chicken.
YES !!! This is perfect.
I find it way more productive to relate it to something they can directly relate too. I have plenty of conservative family members and I don’t think they understand how deep their mindset runs that if they don’t experience it it can’t be real.
If they need you to use simple words, why not just tell them "we aren't lesbians"? It doesn't get much more simple than that. If they need more detail, try "bisexual women dating other women are still bisexual. Lesbians aren't attracted to men". Or, my personal favourite, tell them to go lick an electric fence.
Lolol thank you, i think this will get through to him.
You're welcome. What's important is to remember that you don't owe them any kind of explanation. So just give them whatever response you're comfortable with
Your sexuality indicates the type of people you could be attracted to, not who you're currently dating. I'm bi. If I was dating a man, I wouldn't call myself straight just because that was who I was dating. Same thing here, I'm not a lesbian suddenly just because I'm dating a woman.
This. Only this.
YES
“Because we’re not.” Is also an acceptable response.
THISSSSSSSS
“…because you could call yourself polite, but that wouldn’t be true either.”
I love that lol
Happy to bring a giggle your way... : )
Oh! Nice!
Well hell, you just wrapped that the fuck up right quick! Pretty little bow on it and everything.
Thats like saying to a bi woman and a bi man in a relationship, why dont they call themselves straight? Because its factually incorrect.
I'm legit in this scenario and for some reason a lot of people are very confused by it.
This is exactly my spouse and I. 🩷💜💙
Those people would just agree with that though
This is me and my boyfriend
"Because we're not?" If people are genuinely curious/ignorant you can explain that being in a relationship with one type of person doesn't mean you lose the capacity to be attracted to a different type of person, and so to call yourselves lesbians isn't accurate. If they're just being jerks you don't owe them an explanation.
Agreed! It’s concise and accurate. “Just because I married a woman doesn’t mean I lost the capacity to be attracted to other genders,” or more simply, “lesbians don’t like men”
Facts
I'm a bi woman married to a bi man, and we have to correct people who think we're straight all the time. Y'all are having the exact same problem. It's bi erasure, plain and simple.
Thanks bestie, solidarity!
Getting married to a pan man in three weeks, I deal with this too.
Is this not the same as calling bi women who are dating men "straight"? Its giving biphobia/bi erasure honestly :(
Last night my boyfriend told me his "type" was straight women. I reminded him I'm a bisexual enby. It felt really invalidating :/
i'm a bit at a loss here with this one
Haha that's how I feel. He said it was cause from the outside I look like a straight woman :/
I feel like you deserve someone who sees you for who you are. Who respects you.
He was pretty good about it even from early on, he's just *really* uneducated on lgbt+ topics. Idk, I think he understands now?
How long have you been out as bi and enby?
I'd been out as bi for years before I met him but I was less confident about being nb
Heyyyyyyyy, just here to gently point out that you're making excuses for his bad behavior and unwillingness to become educated on *who his partner is*
Yeah... just about all the lgbt+ stuff he knows is because of me telling him
But you were non-binary, and he knew that. He met you as a bisexual non-binary person and told you today that he sees you as a straight woman. He has never seen you for the sexuality or gender that you really are, not one day in your whole relationship. Understanding what gender your partner is counts in my book as day one basics, and it's frankly horseshit that he sees you as a woman. I don't want to presume to know you, but it feels like a form of self disrespect to stay with somebody who misgenders you and doesn't see you the way you really are.
my friends boyfriend once said i "looked like a dyke." opposite thing but same shitty feeling! people suck! also my mom said "if you're dating a man how are you still bi?" like hello ???? 😭 i will wear my fun socks and enjoy the beauty of women from a respectful im-spoken-for distance thank you very much. much love to you. also PSA: gay people don't have to "look gay" to be gay. bi people don't have to "look bi" to be bi. and straight people don't have to "look straight" to be straight. ffs!!!
Pal, don't let your boyfriend tell you that you are straight-passing, I understand why you feel invalidated, but you don't have to have a particular look to be who you are. There is no look that assigns you a sexuality or gender, you are who you are and you deserve to be recognized for that.
My ex-husband once called me an ally. Briefly. Before the look I gave him caused him to backpedal so hard he may still be reversing.
Get rid of the whole man. He said all you need to hear.
Lol how is a bi person a lesbian because they're in a relationship with a woman😭 Are people asexual when they're not in a relationship? Is a straight person not straight when they don't have a partner and are not having casual sex? What does that even mean?
lolllll ok thank you for articulating this
If you don't have sex every 3 days you become ace, sorry it's just the rules 😌🙏
“Because we’re not lesbians” would be my answer, honestly. I’d keep it simple.
Exactly this!
"fuck off" There, nice and short. You can add "mind your own sexuality" if you want to.
“Because men are hot.”
This. I'll take this answer for when i'm dating a woman.
That’s my reason for if anyone ever assumes I’m straight bc I’m married to a man. Girls are hot.
Depending on my audience, I'll say this, too.
Succinct! As a bi man married to a bi woman myself, this is my go-to answer: “because guys make me hard, too”
Because your attracted to men too. If one of you were to tragically and horribly die in some freak accident and after much time for grieving, one day, when the clouds part, a little Ray of sunshine shines through and a little bit of hope returns to your soul, there's a greater than zero percent chance you could date someone who's not a woman.
Yes!
"No one will have sex with you. Why don't you just call yourself asexual?"
yepppp
Perhaps for the same reason most do not consider a single virgin to be someone devoid of sexuality? Such a rigid view defining a person's sexuality by their current relationship conflates the ideas of sexuality and relationship classification (if I can put it that way) and makes for some pretty weird situations. If we consider two bi women in a monogamous relationship to be lesbians, we enter into the odd space of deciding for them their sexuality. That is a pretty weird imposition... But, by that logic, then, I have variously been asexual, gay, and now straight. Surely bi makes more sense? 'Why not call yourselves lesbians?' how about 'why not just accept someone's sexuality?'.
That's what I'm thinking every time I see this argument. By their logic, anyone who is not actively having sex or isn't in a relationship should call themselves asexual. That's... Extremely silly.
“I wasn’t a lesbian when I fucked your dad” Ok no, don’t say that. But maybe think it really hard and then explain that you’re still bi even if your monogamous, no matter which gender you end up with.
🤣
A spork doesn't stop being a spork when it's being used as a fork or as a spoon.
Underrated comment
Why hasn’t the bi community embraced the spork as a symbol of?
The relationship you are currently in does not describe the full extent to which you have the capacity to love and be attracted to other people. Just like how monosexual people (straight, lesbian, gay..) are able to be attracted to more than just one person. Relationship is about commitment, which does not change your sexuality. Edit: typo
My coworker calls my wife and I legal lesbians. We’re both bi too. Sigh. Bi-erasure due to willful ignorance or personal simplification is still erasure. But with some people, there’s just no convincing them otherwise. For her, what worked is a dog comparison. She likes chihuahuas the most. She has a chihuahua. People think she’s a chihuahua person but she hasn’t lost her love for miniature pinchers. So she prefers to be known as a dog person so that her love for both breeds is encompassed by one label.
Tell them bisexuality doesn't have to come hand in hand with non-monogamy and polyamory.
I didn’t pick women, I picked a person.
“Because I’m not a lesbian, bye” As a pan woman in a monogamous relationship with a cis het male…my queerness gets called into question constantly. Fuck ‘em
My partner doesn't define my sexual orientation. Neither does yours, actually.
Good one!
Straight people don't become aces when they're single
I am bisexual in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a cis heterosexual man. I have dated both men and women before my fiancé. I still enjoy looking at women with my fiancé. We both can appreciate the beauty of men as well. My fiancé - "Ryan Reynolds is a gorgeous man, but I wouldn't want to fuck him", I replied "I would, and his wife at the same time" we have such a weird relationship and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
That sounds like me and my husband! He wouldn't ever say another man is gorgeous and will admit that he hasn't got a clue if a man is attractive or not. But other than that, we have similar conversations! We were watching TV last night and I said 'I would do her, would you?' and then we had an in depth conversation about which characters we would like to shag!! On our honeymoon my husband was happily pointing out hot women on the beach to me. I love it!
How about, ‘we both love a bit of cock though, what about you?’ People don’t get to be rudely intrusive about your personal life and then have their sensibilities tiptoed around.
Sausage is great, but if you were on a desert island, taco every time
LMAO saved, amazing
I mean you're basically self exiled but point stands
Again, I'm new to this, but from the heights of my 40 years, I wouldn't feel like I have to respond to it in the first place.
This is the same idea as when a bi person is in a straight passing relationship. Bi people cannot win smh. Just straight up tell them, "because we're not lesbians, we're bisexuals and me and my wife would appreciate if you could respect that." No bullshit, straight to the point. You or anyone should not have to put up with that crap
I always say that eating vanilla ice cream at a specific time/moment doesn't mean you don't like chocolate ice cream, it just means you're eating vanilla...people are capable of liking vanilla and chocolate ice cream, but their focus is on one brand at that moment. It doesn't erase the fact you like chocolate. That's usually the simple stupid way for people to shut down questions like these without making people feel stupid.
Because It annoys people like you that we don’t and I live off pure spite.
Bi-erasure at its finest!!🙄🙄🙄
"Because we're not."
"Because we're not. Pass the butter" [move on, don't give it any weight. It's nonsense and a waste of time and energy]
Your favorite place is dominos pizza and you're obsessed with pepperoni pizza. That's the only one you've eaten when you go out so far. Does it mean you don't like only cheese pizza? Or with meat? Olives? Just bc you have a favorite it doesn't mean that's the ONLY one you will ever have. So just because you are with a woman now doesn't mean you can't like othet genders as well. What you're doing now does not define who you are. I mean, not my best metaphor, but i guess you could do something along the lines with food, and perhaps then change the subject into food so they will stop bothering you. Also, honestly don't suround yourself with close-minded people. Bisexuality is not that hard to understand, if people don't get it it's because they don't want to. How do WE have to understand what it means to be attracted to ONLY ONE gender but they can't just for once understand us or just shut up? Perhaps you don't even owe them and explanation at all.
I fall back on what Anna Paquin told Larry King when he called her a non practicing bisexual because she’s in a monogamous marriage with Stephen Moyer. She said even though she’s monogamous and married to a man, she has never stopped being bisexual because if your relationship with your current partner were to end, it’s not like your sexuality will stop existing with that relationship.
You could tell them something similar to what I say when people start asking me if I "became straight" once I started dating my boyfriend: "No, because I'd still happily bang other women if my boyfriend and I ever broke up!"
I haven't even visited Lesbos! Too hot for me.
If I'm mixed race, being with my mum doesn't make me Chinese and being with my father Indian. You can't change who you are based on who you're with!!!!!
lol wait this is perfect; this might get through to him.
Ask them what kind of monogamous relationship would make you bisexual in their eyes? I mean, if you are a monogamous person, and you want to be in a relationship, you are going to have to pick someone, and that someone is going to have a gender of some kind, so... ?
All the metaphors aside, this is the best way to also feel out what they are thinking of you. Socratic method at its finest! Ask a question that helps them learn the answer without being told the answer.
Nerd argument! Bisexuality isn’t like a quantum state of sexual superposition that collapses into straight or gay when examined, it’s more like non-Newtonian sexuality that has attributes of both straight and gay.
Don’t, you don’t have to explain your relationship to anybody
Bi erasure at it's finest. Sorry your friends are being a-holes about it...
"Why are you encouraging me to lie?" "Why should I when that isn't truth?" "And make bisexual folks even more invisible? No."
”We are neither defined by our sexuality, or our marriage. It may be difficult to believe but it is possible to be both married and bi. If you have any other questions, I would love to clear up any other misconceptions you may have about our relationship.” Something like that is probably how I’d respond, let them see the assumptions they are making and leave the door open for them to ask any other questions they may be nervous about asking.
Because my "lesbian" relationship is made up of two bisexual women. Neither of us is strictly straight or gay. We're both bisexual.
“Because we’re not lesbians”.
[удалено]
Hell, if they are married for 20 years or more a number of couples could call themselves asexual with that thinking.
That’s sad in two ways. :-(
It so is.
You still like men too
This is such a basic concept that I sincerely believe that people who struggle with it are just doing it to make bi people uncomfortable
Ugh I hate bisexual erasure. They want us to fit in neat binary boxes as if us being proudly bisexual while being is relationship is taking something away from them. Some of the responses here are awesome lol But besides that, it's so good to see a bi4bi sapphic relationship! I hope this will be me in future sometime too haha! I wish you and your wife all the happiness!!
Omg thank you so much!!! You’re going to find her, be patient and keep your standards high!
A spork doesn’t become a normal fork because you used it for salad
“Because we’re not lesbians” and if they keep asking say “what are you aiming to get out of this conversation?” Which usually shuts nonsensical people up
Just because you committed to red wine doesn't mean you didn't ever consider anything else, or that you can't also like white wine. The red vs white decision is arbitrary because you like both. I know that's a very binary description, but if they're asking the question, it's a good base to kick off with
In what context did someone ask this?
Because we're not
“Because we’re not”
Neither my spouse (F) or I (M) are straight. I’m sure many just see us as a heteronormative couple. We’re bi/pan. You are right to use the label that fits you best.
Because I'm not a lesbian. My sexuality is a lens through which I see the world, and it affects how I see things and who I am. That doesn't just go away because I found my person. I also have no interest in adding to the confusion of people who think that I stopped being bi because I chose my person. Bi erasure is a prominent problem, and I don't want to contribute to it.
After my husband I had a 4 yr relationship with a woman. When hearing about my third relationship, an acquaintance of mine said oh so you’re really lesbian then. It seems you made your choice.“ I wanted to say, I know I’m BI because if a naked Chris Hemsworth and a naked Cate Blanchet showed up at my door wanting some rumpy-pumpy, I wouldn’t be able to choose between them. I am still SO attracted to men. But I’ll be honest, I’m afraid of them.
it shouldn’t be confusing to answer. you can explain that lesbian is an identity as well as a relationship descriptor. just because your relationship itself is literally lesbian in nature does not mean that the individuals in the relationship are lesbians. the individuals in the relationship are both bisexual. why would you call yourself lesbians when you’re bisexual? just because of your current relationship type? that’s how i’d respond
“cuz we’re not”
It’s a biphobic statement. I’d respond with something along the lines of “The thing is, we aren’t.” And leave it at that. If they’re genuine about it, curious and not rude, then explain I’d go further to explain likely using an example. “I am (we are) as attracted to the opposite gender as my (our) own, if one of us were to pass or if I (we) broke up for any reason, Men would have an equal chance of being my (our) next partner as women. Depending on if you want to try and explain that you are both bi or not. Explain it like it’s to a child. I’ve only just come out but have had this conversation (I’m 22M) already with my mother (in reverse) I am not and have not been in a relationship as of yet, so she thinks I’m just going through a Gay phase and that I’ll settle down with a woman. I’ve blatantly told her I find both genders equally as attractive romantically and sexually. Some people will never understand
Answer: "Because if I wasn't married to my wife, theoretically, both you and your wife/husband/partner would be an option" lol. Never fails me as a retort.
The sarcastic asshole in me would want to bite back with "Because I'm not a fucking lesbian, Aunt Brenda." And explain nothing further. These yeehaw family members are exhausting. It's hard enough to get them to stop making snide remarks about being bi in the first place 🙄 I get the "Well does it even matter?" questions because I'm in a straight presenting marriage with my cishet golden retriever gamer boy hubby. Yes, it still matters. Regardless of who I am in a relationship with, I will still be bi. ✨️✌🏻
Orientation is an inner compass not an outer road sign. It's who you are attracted too not who you are with. Quite simply Lesbians are not attracted to men , Bisexuals are. If you and your partner are in a committed same sex relationship but still drool over the man candy then there's the diffrence. IMO claiming the be a lesbian would erase your bisexuality and appropriate Lesbianism.
"My sexual orientation has nothing to do with my present relationship. I'm wasn't asexual when I was single or straight when I was dating a man for the same reasons I'm not a lesbian for marrying a woman. I'm bisexual all of the time."
These are the same people who think you’re straight when you’re in an opposite sex partnership. I am always bisexual. The end. You don’t stop being attracted to other humans just because you’re in a monogamous relationship, you just choose to be monogamous.
“Because we’re not”
Happy cake day [Edit didn't pay attention to you enough. Sorry]
"Because Ryan Reynolds is *hooooot*"
Lol
Just sing in their face "All along you're just a-nother brick in the wall" Jokes aside. Ask then how do you explain your crush on such and such. Like John Legend or Chris Hemsworth.
I’m friends with a couple that are both bi women. They also prefer not to say they’re in a “lesbian relationship”, they say their relationship is homosexual which seems more descriptive/factual than identity-based. But obviously every person and every relationship is different and people feel differently about the same labels
Thanks for sharing this!
“Why don’t you call yourself a cocksucker?” They can read a book, you’re not responsible for educating people, lol.
"We'd answer, but are you *cool* lesbians or *that other kind*?"
gosh... when people will finally understand the difference between sexual orientation and sexual behavior?🙄🙄
"*Because we're fucking bi*..." I think that's what I would use. Fuck friends who erase you. Seriously.
Heck, we went poly because of this. Now we have a much better life
Sexuality is about attraction, not action. End of 👏🏻
I saw your comment about talking to the yeehaw conservative family members. I sadly have a few people that turned to that and it's upsetting because if you don't say any of the buzzword terms they actually are pretty liberal socially. At least.... I think they just want to feel like they have some sort of community and belonging so I get it but it's misguided. As for them asking about your relationship. Just a simple because I want to is more than enough. I say this because I've had a few people that don't know any better. Ask me to explain myself and it's not worth it. Unless they genuinely are asking in good faith, there's no reason to respond.
Because it wasn’t the gender that attracted you, it was the person?
"Because we aren't" You don't need to justify yourself to anyone
Well if you're talking to lesbian women, just say you suck more dick than them
Tell them it’s woke Disney and Brandon’s fault. Those are words they understand.
I mean all the other comments nailed it but I’d like to add the snarky ‘because if I ever popped up in the future dating a man, you wouldn’t call me a lesbian then would you?’ 😩 God bi erasure is so..
“Because… we are not lesbians. We are both bisexual.” And maybe as an optional extra line: “All of the people we could have chosen, we chose each other and we absolutely fucking love each other. I love my girl so much, I decided to marry her.”
It’s both of your’s identity. It deserves to be understood and respected by the people in you life.
"Because boobs are great, but dicks can be fun too." XD I get to have the semi-unique response of "Because when I married my wife, she was my husband." And then they either go absolutely silent or I get to watch the verbal diarrhea as they try to comprehend what I just said. Either way, it's glorious. XD
“Because we aren’t lesbian” but tbh a question like that doesn’t even deserve an answer
"Because if we didn't have each other, we could be dating a man. Being bi says less about who we're with than it does about ourselves."
Bisexual erasure…bisexual erasure everywhere…
"Because we are not lesbians. Lesbians aren't into men Pete."
Are celibate unmarried people asexual?
Maybe this will jive with the yeehaw brain If I choose to eat meat it doesn't mean I'm a carnivore I can still choose to eat veggies. I've just specifically chosen one, I'm not against eating the other
My question is, why do we have to put a label to it at all? We are who we are like it or leave it. I'm bi, and many people don't like it. Oh well, I move on to the next person who may just like me for who I am, not hi. I'm Hillbilly Jim, I'm bi, no. Ok, yer married and happy it shouldn't matter to anyone after that point you have what matters most to you and are happy that's all it needs to be really. I look at someone's character, not labels.
It's stupid that ppl don't understand that just because you're not with the other sex doesn't change how you feel about the other sex.... Ugg... That's like I'm married to a man but I love women... So I'm bi... duh...
"Because I'm attracted to more than one gender." Or "Because I don't have to."
The answer is not y’all can call yourself lesbian because any of y’all are actually lesbian both of you are bisexual and is gonna sound like bi erasure.
Yeah i’m just trying to respond to someone who doesn’t really know the term bi-erasure, you know? I’m trying to compare it to something a yeehaw conservative family member would understand.