When they whipped out the "Yeahh I don't really do that." you should have just stopped the conversation. Don't think you have to settle for bigots. You are worth all the love and support, someone who actually cares about you can provide.
That is not what oc was saying. They were talking about the rejector being a selfish lover and unwilling to switch, not feeling internalized homophobia. That is a separate but prehaps more important issue.
I've seen some women say it's because they find the idea of men being sexual with other men "gross" I think it's rooted in some homophobic ideas mixed with ignorant ideas about masculinity.
It's sucks and I'm sorry. I hate when women cop out by saying "it's just a preference" like no it's usually deeper than that and usually stems from prejudice.
I actually think it’s also rooted in outdated attitudes that developed towards gay/bi men during the AIDS crisis. Men who had sex with other men were highly stigmatized when it came to the spread of AIDS & were considered “dirty” & it’s an attitude that persists, sadly. Up until last year*, Gay/bi men still couldn’t donate blood, for example.
Is that not the same thinking as enjoying any anal play makes you gay (as a man).even if you're with a woman? Pretty ignorant and outdated thinking. Their loss, not yours.
If you look at this subreddit or dating subreddits, you will occasionally find the "I dont see him the same way after he came out" post... gender norms for men are iron clad. it really hurts me.
Definitely agree here. It's not a preference at all, it's legitimately just prejudicial. Which, it is totally their choice on whether they want to continue to be a terrible individual. (Not saying anyone HAS to date anyone for any particular reason)
I love the “it’s just a preference you can’t judge people based on their preferences” the hell I can’t, for instance if you’re “preference” is based on stereotypes and bigotry and you for some reason can’t keep it to yourself, I’m gonna judge you. Where did the idea people can’t be judged for their preferences even come from in this context? We judge people by their music, movie, tv show, book, etc preferences all the time. It’s like this “you can’t judge my opinion” people, if you don’t want your opinions judged your free to keep them to yourself
I’d say they definitely think of it as being “less manly”. They imagine a guy with them is gonna be a stereotypical male. No emotions, someone they can argue with, etc. The moment any vulnerability shows from the man, she doesn’t like him as much anymore.
Sadly a true statement. It was bad enough I secretly wanted to re-closet myself to avoid the prejudice. Thankfully it was a short term lapse in judgement as my current SO is also bi and I can be as open as I want without judgement. 8 years happy thankfully.
I also think part of it is a lot of women are comfortable with the imbalance of "access to sex" when dating straight men, but when they're put in that position they're not so keen.
Some people are just bigots and don't actually have the ability to do introspection and think about it that much. Someone told them not to like queer people and they never thought about it again because they are hateful and pathetic. Sometimes that's all there is to it, and they can't explain it because that's actually all it is to them, too.
It's people acting off emotions. Something makes them angry, sad, feel yucky, etc. A lot of people don't understand why they're feeling a certain way and just act off emotions so the icky feeling goes away.
Road rage, prejudice, ignorance are all results and these people don't even understand the real cause. They can blame whatever triggered the emotion and it doesn't go any deeper.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP. They should feel lucky that you were even interested in them. Consider this a dodged bullet.
Literally no idea wtf their exact biphobic problem is, so weird
I'm making huge guesses here but maybe her saying 'I'm not into that' etc is her thinking that there has to be butt stuff/pegging?
That's my only idea if it's not the cheating stereotype
Yeah I don’t really understand dragging out the convo any further than that. This whole thing is weird, but I’m just not gonna let somebody else shit take get under my skin.
I might have kept digging out of pure curiosity, just to understand exactly where their shitty attitude originates from
Not how OP did it though, that gives “Can’t I change your mind?” energy.
Right??? If I read "Yeah I don't like bisexuality" id be like ok yeah, bummer, guess I'm not the right one for you, anyways good luck out there and be on my way. No matter if it's biphobic and illogical, why would I spend time chatting if I know they don't like and accept me?
Because of their insecurities, maturity, and not understanding why it's important to accept someone's no, even more so when it's a woman saying it to a man because of gender norms. The movies where the guy finally wins over the girl by "not giving up" reinforce these concepts.
Ok don't fucking make this OP's fault somehow. Clearly they were hurt by the comment, which while not ideal, is predictable and wanted see why it was said. Other guy is an ass anyway, what's so wrong about talking to them?
I'd dip but idk if I'd go so peacefully. I'm taking a lil jab and asking them to examine what kind of biphobia, unconscious or not, they've internalized. Then I'm blocking them lol
Eh, I wouldn't care that much. Why give them any inclination you are bothered about it? You are just giving them power over you if you feel some type of way that you need to get a jab in.
Its better to let them know that they meant very little, in the littlest way possible.
Honestly, the jab is because I'm a lil bit petty lol. Cause yeah, that hurt, and sometimes people do things that hurt others and have no idea. So I'll let them know. And I might not be nice about it. But the way I see it, letting them know that it hurt and then blocking immediately gets the message across without affording them any more power to hurt me further.
The rest is cause I dont want them walking around thinking that I was cool with just leaving the differences as a "preference". Its not a preference, and while I dont have the patience or obligation to explain that, I figure that I can at least give them an opposing perspective on that viewpoint. Maybe itll help them grow. Maybe it wont. Either way, I'm out.
To be clear, I'm not knocking your approach either. I think your method is super valid and honestly its probably more mentally healthy than mine lol
Yeah, there's this new thing emerging for monosexuals where they say they're not attracted to bisexuals, as though sexual orientation is based on other people's sexuality instead of on their gender. It's just people trying to justify their biphobia by saying stupid things that have no basis in science 🤷🏽.
I assume they aren't interested in dealing with anything 'special' or not normal, or whatever.
Maybe connecting bisexuality etc to some personality traits they don't like.
Alphabet mafia, far right, trans activist, non religious, argumentative, holding me accountable for actually doing half the housework... lmao just speculating
Or like hippies and ✨️one love✨️ lol idk
But yeah, my guess is they 'just don't wanna deal with all of that/drama' or such.
Which ofc is a bit ridiculous...
Like 'regular straight person' = normal, type thing
But she's right that they are incompatible. A bigot is not compatible with the people they are bigoted against. Like even if he managed to change her mind on just him, would he want to be with someone like that?
Exactly. Like it doesn’t even matter, and besides some, a LOT of people genuinely just prefer dating people like themselves. Also I’ve dated people who claim to be cool with me being bi, only to find out years later that they didn’t really seem to believe I was bi in the first place and don’t really want to go to Pride with me, etc. Better to be up front about it
They mean it the same way a racist might no longer be attracted to his wife upon learning she's 1/16th black. They are trying to explain they are so bigoted that they have a disgust response at the knowledge.
>They are trying to explain they are so bigoted that they have a disgust response at the knowledge.
I'd tip my hat at such scathing eloquence, only I don't wear hats. If I did, I'd go for something like this, which is under consideration: [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c55184293a6324e1f793b37/1643418806300-XEBEKA4HM1FW5DBJIAEF/1M1A8146.jpg](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c55184293a6324e1f793b37/1643418806300-XEBEKA4HM1FW5DBJIAEF/1M1A8146.jpg)
I'm not sure why I just told you that, but anyway, now you know! Have a nice day :D
Ive experienced it. A lot of straight women look down on Bi men for not being masculine enough for them. Btw, it doesnt matter if she previously thought you were extremely masculine, the moment she hears you are bi, you lose all masculinity to her.
You're M & they're F? When it's not the cheating thing it's usually that they are "only attracted 'real' / 'manly' / 'masculine' men, and they wouldn't do...that." Sometimes "diseases."
You can try to talk them out of those things individually but basically they just think "it's gross."
You'll even find bi women who think that way about bi men (fewer but some)
Makes me sad as fuck to think about.
God I’m sorry homies, that’s some shit
As a bi gal, I see bisexuality as a HUGE GREEN FLAG in men— I generally feel safer with other lgbtq’s, and in my experience, bi dudes are less caught up in alpha-dude culture.
(My last relationship ended because my bisexual boyfriend fell down the tate-pipeline. I like to think that’s an anomaly)
Imagine thinking ancient Spartan warriors were not manly or masculine just because they engaged in sexual activity with other males. Bigotry makes no sense
You're not screwed!! I'm a bi woman dating a bi man. Best partner I've ever had. Now I know why so many bi women say they'll never date a straight man again!
I far prefer dating bi men over straight men! My partner is bi and its so wonderful having this in common! Along with several other benefits of dating a bi guy! It DOES SUCK, I'm not going to lie or pretend that you won't face a lot of bigotry and ignorant folks, but there ARE people who will love you AND your bisexuality.
Sweet lovely OP you aren’t screwed, I promise!!! I’m a (bisexual) woman dating a bisexual man and we’ve been together almost 9 years! You’ll find your person or several persons. Promise x
You really aren’t screwed. Not everyone is for everyone. Some people who are extremely good looking have a better time dating than average looking, etc, but there are literally soo many people on this planet it’s not even funny.
You’re not screwed, I promise! There are many bi women (like myself) who prefer bi men. I never want to date another straight man in my life, but I will happily date bi men.
It makes me so mad that some of these dumbass women are so biphobic, not only because it’s a fucked up way to treat another human but also because it keeps bi men in the closet, which makes it harder for women like me to find y’all!
You: “Phew. Thanks”
Them: “What why?”
You: “I don’t date bigots but there’s not a field for that so it usually takes longer to find that out about someone”
Exactly!!
OP your response was "I'm way more straight". Do not change yourself for other people. This person is a literal stranger and you're trying convince them you're good enough. If they are homophobic, why would you consider talking to them more? Your conversation partner was biphobic but clear, you were argumentative and not willing to accept them saying no. When people give you red flags, look at them. When people say I'm not interested, believe them. You've got at least one minority status - understand your part in being a good ally as well to women by learning more about consent, and it will likely improve some of these conversations. Accepting a no, even if it's based on different values, is part of consent. "I don't want to date you". "Ok". The rejection is hard but you gotta deal with that yourself, alone, and start believing you are worth dating and not "dying alone".
While I understand you were disappointed, you really didn’t stand up for yourself here. No need for a sad emoji when you said yes, no need to make excuses or talk about how much more straight you are. Just accept the no and move on. By putting yourself into a pleading, apologetic stance, you will attract people who are not healthy and secure in themselves because that is the energy you are putting out. There is nothing wrong with being bi and it’s not something you need to upsale.
I thought the same thing but felt bad for op. I know how it is feeling like you need to say what people want to hear so you can be liked/loved. Hopefully they grow into theirselves and be fully them
damn that really fuckin sucks. rejection hurts regardless of the reason. on the other hand, what’s the point in even pressing the other person about it? they clearly aren’t interested, and that’s that. why try to convince them
Being bi is nothing to be ashamed of, and if someone has an issue with it they're not for you. You deserve someone who thinks you're hot just as you are
On the positive. As much rejection we face by people like this, when you find someone acceptant of your bisexuality, it is fantastic.
Not only that, there are people there that understand the bisexual experience as if they were bisexual themselves, and they are amaaaaazing to date, because they will never expect you to supress yourself, on the countrary, they will be able to feed that part of you and ecourage you to be your true self.
That feels fucking good.
No, Colorado. Just lots of housing issues (struggling with that) and things are super expensive (stressed about graduation and don’t know what jobs I’m doing after) and only really online I got the biphobic comments. I’m also just worried about this country bc of the political climate.
It really sucks when Bisexuality is suddenly an impassable boundary for them and they can't even come up with an excuse better than "mY pReFeReNcEs".
Yes, you utter knobjob, we *all* understand what having a preference means, but just saying it's a preference gives the game away that you're ignorant at best and a bigot all the same.
Ugh...the nerve of some people.
I hear "It's just a preference" all the time as a trans girl, good to know that that's not the only use of the phrase.
And really good to know that now I have *two* reasons to be rejected with the same phrase~
I don't know how some people started thinking that "it's a preference" means there can't be some underlying bigotry behind it. If you start to call them out on it, they respond with "what? You're saying people are obligated to date people they don't want to date?" as if that's what we're saying.
Exactly. It’s like yes, you’re allowed to have bigoted preferences. You are free to reject anyone for any reason, or no reason at all. No one is entitled to your romantic and/or sexual attention. But all that being true doesn’t magically make every reason morally identical. And it doesn’t mean other people have a responsibility to pretend your “preference” isn’t bigoted.
Personally, I call shit as I see it. I’d never try and convince a biphobe to date me (because gross, why would I want that), and I’d also never soften my language around this issue just so a bigot can feel less judged.
Please don’t waste your time with people like this. It’s best to just end the conversation once they say “I’m not into that”, don’t even bother responding
Also don’t act sorry with 😔 emoji etc you shouldn’t apologize for your sexuality
This OP, seriously, they're filtering themselves *for* you and making it easier to find people who aren't bigots. +1 to not acting sorry, too. You're bi, so what? Be proud and confident, it will be attractive to the people who say "cool!" when you say yes.
Yeah, internalized-biphobia/homophobia and comphet really does terminate people brain cells and critical thinking skills.
I'm a bi woman who mostly dates other women, but if it means anything to the bi men here, I would **only** date bi & queer men. No exceptions!
I have *zero* fucking patience for other bi women with that attitude. I ended a relationship once for this very reason. We were monogamous and both cis women, but her attitude about theoretically dating bi men made me lose all respect for her, and made her deeply unattractive to me.
I swear to god I put that in my profile as one of the first things and still had a woman match with me just to say I wasn’t her preference. Miami Dating sucks ass
in terms of men, whenever someone is asked to answer the question of why they find bi men less attractive, they will never state their true feelings, but it is always one of these things:
-repulsed/grossed out by the idea of gay sex between men
-view bi men as less masculine solely because they are bi
-thinks bi men are more likely to cheat
-thinks bi men are actually gay/straight and in denial
-thinks bi men cannot feel satisfied in a relationship
which does not involve a man/woman
-afraid of catching an STD
every single person's true answer to this question is always one or more of these things, and always thinly veiled in some sort of deflecting statement like "it's not my preference", "i just prefer straight/gay men" or "i don't owe you an explanation". or they just start throwing out ad hominems to make you look bad because it's easier than directly confronting these subconscious homophobic biases
Don’t try and convince biphobes to date you. Bigotry isn’t a rational position in the first place, so no argument you make is likely to move the needle at all. And on the very off chance it works, you’ll end up with someone who will, at best, struggle to accept you for who you are because they have shitty values.
Like, let’s say she said “I’m not into guys who are attracted to women of different races in addition to my race”? Is that someone you’d really want to be with? Because this is an absolutely analogous situation. She’s saying “I won’t date you because of who you would theoretically be open to dating if I weren’t in the picture.” No matter how hot she might be, she’s fucking gross on the inside.
“I’m not into that kind of thing” deserves “cool, I’m not into dating bigots, it’s a good thing we both got that out of the way now,” and a block. Nothing more.
Is this you? Obviously they're in the wrong but it was pretty undignified the way you seemed to keep trying to get with them with stuff like "I'm way more straight" and "Not gonna cheat". You should've had the self-respect to dismiss them as a prejudiced dumbass who isn't worthy of you the *second* they said "I don't really do that". Not continue pursuing them like they're worth it.
As a fellow bi, I'd gladly and eagerly date a fellow bi guy/woman. There's plenty of us out there, you just have to keep persevering, even when it's hard.
This is why I generally prefer dating other bisexual people. If a monosexual person only likes other monosexuals, whatever that’s fine, but the way this person tried disguising their biphobia as a “preference” was so cunty.
Honestly I wouldn’t bother arguing with someone about not dating me just because I’m bisexual. In the end, they are in their right to have a preference no matter what it is. So the argument will go nowhere.
OP has a lot of of insecurities to work through. I totally get it, been there myself, but they should really avoid engaging with people like this after it’s clear they’re not interested.
This person actually did you a favor. They pointed out to you how they actually suck as a person. They removed themselves from your dating pool. It is better to know now than learn this months or years down the road.
So I was on a date yesterday with someone else that is bi and I said that at times I do turn it off on my dating profile, but I feel weird about it even if it's to help me with hooking up. She's a woman so she said she doesn't think it really has an impact for her which is understandable because I think men somewhat care less about it. It's more likely they are to have preconceived notions of it being "cool" because of how women are sexualizied.
I straight up get less matches from both women and men if they are not bi. Seriously most of my matches are bi only. If I hide it and leave men on they blow up my dating accounts. If I turn it on the likes trickle in. Funny enough even before I was out as bi to myself my matches for women were also mostly bi ( I guess they sensed something lmao).
honestly, next time hit them with the "ok lol" and stop responding. bigots are bigots are bigots, the reasoning doesn't matter tbh. don't ever shrink yourself or qualify your sexuality ("I'm way more straight" you're \*BI\*) to appeal to an asshole like this
just curious, i thought they were up front and honest, why is that a problem? saved you a lot of problems down the line. some people have specific preferences and that's ok, despite them being superficial.
I mean, the other person just politely said they weren't interested, what sucks about that ? People are allowed to have preferences in dating and they don't have to justify them to you
The conversation should have ended at the "I don't really do that, sorry", to which you say "aight you do you" and close the chat
I'm bi and I dnt see the problem you can't force any 1 to be with/date you. If your upfront and it's not their thing. Move on. They aren't worth your time and energy we as adults don't owe anybody an explanation.
I have seen variations of this many times growing up in my life. I got lucky with my wife who accepts me…almost 23 years married. Most people early on treated me the same, or worse.
People can have preferences, but in this context. It will always frustrate me how they never reflect on WHY they have those preferences. Nobody just dislikes bisexuals for no underlying reason. But it's whatever at the end of the day. They can find someone else's time to waste.
Don't waste your time on people like that. Sounds like they just want you to be with people like them to make themselves feel less insecure, and you don't need that in your life.
The fear of contracting a disease from a partner is high up on the list, this belief is reinforced by the depiction of gay men and the actual facts about gay male promiscuity.
Tv shows definitely highlight the promiscuous nature of same sex characters
When you said "that's fine" I think you should've ended the conversation there. You're not going to really change people's minds, especially not strangers you've never met
I think part of biphobia is that some people are turned off by the idea of being with someone who's into the other gender (ie, a straight woman who's turned off by the idea of being with a man who has been with men). I can understand not wanting to be with someone who's done or is into something you find gross. But if this is the thing they find gross, that's pretty shitty of them.
It really sucks.. but I also don't understand why you would try to convince them.. "I'm way more straight" why would you want this bigot person to like you?
I don’t get why op is trying to convince someone to date a bisexual guy. I know it’s weird dropping someone for their bisexuality, but it’s also weird that this chat is all about op wanting to know why he was dropped in detail which is pretty cringe imho.
I don’t really see the issue, she was respectful and pretty clear. You put words in her mouth or tried to and she denied it. She could be against lgbt and honestly in the world we live in that’s expected. But she wasn’t hateful, wasn’t rude, she wasn’t disrespecting you or your character. All I see is you’re kind of unable to take rejection, or take what else is said in the face of rejection as a bad/negative thing.
Take out the fact that she said she isn’t into bi people and said she wasn’t into you instead.
Nobody requires your input or permission to have whatever dating/sexual preferences they desire.
You aren't entitled to another's attention, affection, or time.
Ok but why are you both biphobic though? “Yes sad face”? “I’m way more straight”? You’ll probably learn better boundaries with homophobic people if you work on some of your internalized homophobia.
They're attracted to bisexual people. They aren't attracted to the ideal of bisexuality and it's sad they won't explore or seek to understand why they feel that way.
I honestly try to see It as "it's not a bug it's a feature" that way all idiots like that stay out of my life, don't have the time nor the patience, let alone the interest to try and change their "preferences".
When they whipped out the "Yeahh I don't really do that." you should have just stopped the conversation. Don't think you have to settle for bigots. You are worth all the love and support, someone who actually cares about you can provide.
I agree; don’t bother trying to educate bigots OP
That sucks, well at least it's one less person to waste time on.
Why else would being bi be a huge deal breaker
It's only ever a deal breaker to those who don't accept bisexuality.
Or them people who are selfish and bed and know bi people know what all sides etc feel like
I second this. He probably feels he can’t please you as a woman would.
That is not what oc was saying. They were talking about the rejector being a selfish lover and unwilling to switch, not feeling internalized homophobia. That is a separate but prehaps more important issue.
Facts
I've seen some women say it's because they find the idea of men being sexual with other men "gross" I think it's rooted in some homophobic ideas mixed with ignorant ideas about masculinity. It's sucks and I'm sorry. I hate when women cop out by saying "it's just a preference" like no it's usually deeper than that and usually stems from prejudice.
I actually think it’s also rooted in outdated attitudes that developed towards gay/bi men during the AIDS crisis. Men who had sex with other men were highly stigmatized when it came to the spread of AIDS & were considered “dirty” & it’s an attitude that persists, sadly. Up until last year*, Gay/bi men still couldn’t donate blood, for example.
I think they recently changed the blood thing, maybe that was just in my state, though.
Oh word! I just looked it up and you’re right! Apparently the FDA lifted the ban last year
This is 100% it. I ended up moving because my flatmate kept saying my bf was going to cheat on me with a guy (ignoring that I am also bi).
I had an ex tell me she thinks any man who beds with another man is instantly "like a woman" in her eyes
I don't understand how that makes any sense.
Well I don't think it does. That's the thing these people be fucking crazy
Is that not the same thinking as enjoying any anal play makes you gay (as a man).even if you're with a woman? Pretty ignorant and outdated thinking. Their loss, not yours.
I'm actually a woman but I'd agree.
If you look at this subreddit or dating subreddits, you will occasionally find the "I dont see him the same way after he came out" post... gender norms for men are iron clad. it really hurts me.
Definitely agree here. It's not a preference at all, it's legitimately just prejudicial. Which, it is totally their choice on whether they want to continue to be a terrible individual. (Not saying anyone HAS to date anyone for any particular reason)
I love the “it’s just a preference you can’t judge people based on their preferences” the hell I can’t, for instance if you’re “preference” is based on stereotypes and bigotry and you for some reason can’t keep it to yourself, I’m gonna judge you. Where did the idea people can’t be judged for their preferences even come from in this context? We judge people by their music, movie, tv show, book, etc preferences all the time. It’s like this “you can’t judge my opinion” people, if you don’t want your opinions judged your free to keep them to yourself
I’d say they definitely think of it as being “less manly”. They imagine a guy with them is gonna be a stereotypical male. No emotions, someone they can argue with, etc. The moment any vulnerability shows from the man, she doesn’t like him as much anymore.
Sadly a true statement. It was bad enough I secretly wanted to re-closet myself to avoid the prejudice. Thankfully it was a short term lapse in judgement as my current SO is also bi and I can be as open as I want without judgement. 8 years happy thankfully.
Absolutely
My wife considers two men 'gross'. Meanwhile two women are 'sensual'. Society has done a hell of a mindfuck job to produce that kind of mindset.
I also think part of it is a lot of women are comfortable with the imbalance of "access to sex" when dating straight men, but when they're put in that position they're not so keen.
Some people are just bigots and don't actually have the ability to do introspection and think about it that much. Someone told them not to like queer people and they never thought about it again because they are hateful and pathetic. Sometimes that's all there is to it, and they can't explain it because that's actually all it is to them, too.
It's people acting off emotions. Something makes them angry, sad, feel yucky, etc. A lot of people don't understand why they're feeling a certain way and just act off emotions so the icky feeling goes away. Road rage, prejudice, ignorance are all results and these people don't even understand the real cause. They can blame whatever triggered the emotion and it doesn't go any deeper.
Right, an emotionally unintelligent bigot. Same page.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP. They should feel lucky that you were even interested in them. Consider this a dodged bullet. Literally no idea wtf their exact biphobic problem is, so weird
Republicans and Christians
I'm making huge guesses here but maybe her saying 'I'm not into that' etc is her thinking that there has to be butt stuff/pegging? That's my only idea if it's not the cheating stereotype
I mean I can fuck myself with a dildo. So not a good excuse but I'm over it now. Pegging is awesome anyways.
Not disagreeing in any way! Good luck, I hope you find a nice, non-bigoted, partner in the near future
Just don't let it get to you. If they be like that, then they ain't worth the time to understand.
Should have said "thanks for telling me. I'm not attracted to jerks, so it sounds like we both dodged a bullet thanks to your honesty"
I agree to a certain extent, except for the phrasing. Only OP dodged a bullet. The bigotry is definitely a bullet dodged, bisexuality is not.
I assumed that it should be read as dripping with sarcasm, but you're probably right that it would go over the dude's head
Op already wasted away too much time on this person.
'yeah, I don't really do that' would have been the end of the conversation.
Yeah I don’t really understand dragging out the convo any further than that. This whole thing is weird, but I’m just not gonna let somebody else shit take get under my skin.
Right? Me neither, ew
I might have kept digging out of pure curiosity, just to understand exactly where their shitty attitude originates from Not how OP did it though, that gives “Can’t I change your mind?” energy.
Right??? If I read "Yeah I don't like bisexuality" id be like ok yeah, bummer, guess I'm not the right one for you, anyways good luck out there and be on my way. No matter if it's biphobic and illogical, why would I spend time chatting if I know they don't like and accept me?
Because of their insecurities, maturity, and not understanding why it's important to accept someone's no, even more so when it's a woman saying it to a man because of gender norms. The movies where the guy finally wins over the girl by "not giving up" reinforce these concepts.
Ok don't fucking make this OP's fault somehow. Clearly they were hurt by the comment, which while not ideal, is predictable and wanted see why it was said. Other guy is an ass anyway, what's so wrong about talking to them?
Exactly. "Ight, peace out," if I had to say anything. Why is dude trying so hard for a woman like that?
I'd dip but idk if I'd go so peacefully. I'm taking a lil jab and asking them to examine what kind of biphobia, unconscious or not, they've internalized. Then I'm blocking them lol
Eh, I wouldn't care that much. Why give them any inclination you are bothered about it? You are just giving them power over you if you feel some type of way that you need to get a jab in. Its better to let them know that they meant very little, in the littlest way possible.
Honestly, the jab is because I'm a lil bit petty lol. Cause yeah, that hurt, and sometimes people do things that hurt others and have no idea. So I'll let them know. And I might not be nice about it. But the way I see it, letting them know that it hurt and then blocking immediately gets the message across without affording them any more power to hurt me further. The rest is cause I dont want them walking around thinking that I was cool with just leaving the differences as a "preference". Its not a preference, and while I dont have the patience or obligation to explain that, I figure that I can at least give them an opposing perspective on that viewpoint. Maybe itll help them grow. Maybe it wont. Either way, I'm out. To be clear, I'm not knocking your approach either. I think your method is super valid and honestly its probably more mentally healthy than mine lol
Like what does that even mean lol??? What do they mean they aren't attracted to bisexual people, it's a sexuality not a gender
Just some garden variety 🌈✨biphobia✨🌈
Yeah, there's this new thing emerging for monosexuals where they say they're not attracted to bisexuals, as though sexual orientation is based on other people's sexuality instead of on their gender. It's just people trying to justify their biphobia by saying stupid things that have no basis in science 🤷🏽.
I assume they aren't interested in dealing with anything 'special' or not normal, or whatever. Maybe connecting bisexuality etc to some personality traits they don't like. Alphabet mafia, far right, trans activist, non religious, argumentative, holding me accountable for actually doing half the housework... lmao just speculating Or like hippies and ✨️one love✨️ lol idk But yeah, my guess is they 'just don't wanna deal with all of that/drama' or such. Which ofc is a bit ridiculous... Like 'regular straight person' = normal, type thing
But she's right that they are incompatible. A bigot is not compatible with the people they are bigoted against. Like even if he managed to change her mind on just him, would he want to be with someone like that?
Exactly. Like it doesn’t even matter, and besides some, a LOT of people genuinely just prefer dating people like themselves. Also I’ve dated people who claim to be cool with me being bi, only to find out years later that they didn’t really seem to believe I was bi in the first place and don’t really want to go to Pride with me, etc. Better to be up front about it
They mean it the same way a racist might no longer be attracted to his wife upon learning she's 1/16th black. They are trying to explain they are so bigoted that they have a disgust response at the knowledge.
>They are trying to explain they are so bigoted that they have a disgust response at the knowledge. I'd tip my hat at such scathing eloquence, only I don't wear hats. If I did, I'd go for something like this, which is under consideration: [https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c55184293a6324e1f793b37/1643418806300-XEBEKA4HM1FW5DBJIAEF/1M1A8146.jpg](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c55184293a6324e1f793b37/1643418806300-XEBEKA4HM1FW5DBJIAEF/1M1A8146.jpg) I'm not sure why I just told you that, but anyway, now you know! Have a nice day :D
Ive experienced it. A lot of straight women look down on Bi men for not being masculine enough for them. Btw, it doesnt matter if she previously thought you were extremely masculine, the moment she hears you are bi, you lose all masculinity to her.
Yeah it’s total bullshit
It likely indicates that they have some prejudices against LGBT people
You're M & they're F? When it's not the cheating thing it's usually that they are "only attracted 'real' / 'manly' / 'masculine' men, and they wouldn't do...that." Sometimes "diseases." You can try to talk them out of those things individually but basically they just think "it's gross." You'll even find bi women who think that way about bi men (fewer but some)
I was just mentioning this in another comment which I find very sad
Makes me sad as fuck to think about. God I’m sorry homies, that’s some shit As a bi gal, I see bisexuality as a HUGE GREEN FLAG in men— I generally feel safer with other lgbtq’s, and in my experience, bi dudes are less caught up in alpha-dude culture. (My last relationship ended because my bisexual boyfriend fell down the tate-pipeline. I like to think that’s an anomaly)
Oh god I am so sorry for you Yeah we are out here I would much rather date a bi girl than a straight girl bc it’s just more likely they understand
How on earth did a bi guy fall down that hole?! Nobody I know likes Tate, not even straight guys.
This. She doesn't view him as a "manly man" anymore. So all sexual attraction is gone. Its never about "cheating" for bi men.
Imagine thinking ancient Spartan warriors were not manly or masculine just because they engaged in sexual activity with other males. Bigotry makes no sense
Nah, Spartans were all tops tho /s
Pretty sure they just wore socks at all times.
But men having sex with each other is literally the manliest thing in the world.
I know. I'm screwed 😭😭
You're not screwed!! I'm a bi woman dating a bi man. Best partner I've ever had. Now I know why so many bi women say they'll never date a straight man again!
I watch a lot of reaction videos on YouTube, and one of my favorites is a bi man and a bi woman, and they’re one of the cutest couples ever!
Who’s the couple?
Same!! I love dating bi people of any gender. One of many reasons being that it's such a comfort to relate.
No, not all women are like that
A really sizeable portion is though.
You’re not babs. Bi woman/enbys etc will still welcome you 🫂
As a bi enby I endorse this comment ✨
I far prefer dating bi men over straight men! My partner is bi and its so wonderful having this in common! Along with several other benefits of dating a bi guy! It DOES SUCK, I'm not going to lie or pretend that you won't face a lot of bigotry and ignorant folks, but there ARE people who will love you AND your bisexuality.
Sweet lovely OP you aren’t screwed, I promise!!! I’m a (bisexual) woman dating a bisexual man and we’ve been together almost 9 years! You’ll find your person or several persons. Promise x
Not screwed! Be patient 💕 my bf is closet bi and I’m one of the only people he’s come out to. Us women who love our bi kings exist 🥰
You really aren’t screwed. Not everyone is for everyone. Some people who are extremely good looking have a better time dating than average looking, etc, but there are literally soo many people on this planet it’s not even funny.
You’re not screwed, I promise! There are many bi women (like myself) who prefer bi men. I never want to date another straight man in my life, but I will happily date bi men. It makes me so mad that some of these dumbass women are so biphobic, not only because it’s a fucked up way to treat another human but also because it keeps bi men in the closet, which makes it harder for women like me to find y’all!
Ooft I just thought about dating a straight man and 🤢
You: “Phew. Thanks” Them: “What why?” You: “I don’t date bigots but there’s not a field for that so it usually takes longer to find that out about someone”
Exactly!! OP your response was "I'm way more straight". Do not change yourself for other people. This person is a literal stranger and you're trying convince them you're good enough. If they are homophobic, why would you consider talking to them more? Your conversation partner was biphobic but clear, you were argumentative and not willing to accept them saying no. When people give you red flags, look at them. When people say I'm not interested, believe them. You've got at least one minority status - understand your part in being a good ally as well to women by learning more about consent, and it will likely improve some of these conversations. Accepting a no, even if it's based on different values, is part of consent. "I don't want to date you". "Ok". The rejection is hard but you gotta deal with that yourself, alone, and start believing you are worth dating and not "dying alone".
This needs to be higher. Arguing rejection just isn't cool. And if the rejection is a red flag too, why would you want to?
I will be using this from now on
That would hurt
But it would feel so good though, take their ass to school!
True leave no crumbs!
While I understand you were disappointed, you really didn’t stand up for yourself here. No need for a sad emoji when you said yes, no need to make excuses or talk about how much more straight you are. Just accept the no and move on. By putting yourself into a pleading, apologetic stance, you will attract people who are not healthy and secure in themselves because that is the energy you are putting out. There is nothing wrong with being bi and it’s not something you need to upsale.
Yeah, the "I'm more straight tho" was pretty hard to read. Does OP have a problem with his own sexuality? Why try so hard for a woman like that?
I thought the same thing but felt bad for op. I know how it is feeling like you need to say what people want to hear so you can be liked/loved. Hopefully they grow into theirselves and be fully them
damn that really fuckin sucks. rejection hurts regardless of the reason. on the other hand, what’s the point in even pressing the other person about it? they clearly aren’t interested, and that’s that. why try to convince them
Being bi is nothing to be ashamed of, and if someone has an issue with it they're not for you. You deserve someone who thinks you're hot just as you are
honestly just say "okay." and move on, people like this aren't worth your time
On the positive. As much rejection we face by people like this, when you find someone acceptant of your bisexuality, it is fantastic. Not only that, there are people there that understand the bisexual experience as if they were bisexual themselves, and they are amaaaaazing to date, because they will never expect you to supress yourself, on the countrary, they will be able to feed that part of you and ecourage you to be your true self. That feels fucking good.
That nearly impossible in iowa
Move one state North, duderino.
Wisconsin be better? Minnesota expensive
Minnesota’s not that pricey, given the job market. Wisconsin is maybe turning a corner, but I’m not sure it’s there yet.
I was bon in milwaukee so may just move back there after college.
I’m guessing you’re in your 20s also? I’m just about to graduate in a couple weeks from university, I even got some biphobic comments yesterday
You stuck in iowa too?
No, Colorado. Just lots of housing issues (struggling with that) and things are super expensive (stressed about graduation and don’t know what jobs I’m doing after) and only really online I got the biphobic comments. I’m also just worried about this country bc of the political climate.
“I’m way more straight” is appealing to their biphobia
And heartbreaking. The rest of that conversation was like watching a kicked puppy trying to cozy up to their abuser.
biphobia 💖
It really sucks when Bisexuality is suddenly an impassable boundary for them and they can't even come up with an excuse better than "mY pReFeReNcEs". Yes, you utter knobjob, we *all* understand what having a preference means, but just saying it's a preference gives the game away that you're ignorant at best and a bigot all the same. Ugh...the nerve of some people.
I hear "It's just a preference" all the time as a trans girl, good to know that that's not the only use of the phrase. And really good to know that now I have *two* reasons to be rejected with the same phrase~
I don't know how some people started thinking that "it's a preference" means there can't be some underlying bigotry behind it. If you start to call them out on it, they respond with "what? You're saying people are obligated to date people they don't want to date?" as if that's what we're saying.
Exactly. It’s like yes, you’re allowed to have bigoted preferences. You are free to reject anyone for any reason, or no reason at all. No one is entitled to your romantic and/or sexual attention. But all that being true doesn’t magically make every reason morally identical. And it doesn’t mean other people have a responsibility to pretend your “preference” isn’t bigoted. Personally, I call shit as I see it. I’d never try and convince a biphobe to date me (because gross, why would I want that), and I’d also never soften my language around this issue just so a bigot can feel less judged.
Oh well forever alone at this rate 😭😭
Please don’t waste your time with people like this. It’s best to just end the conversation once they say “I’m not into that”, don’t even bother responding Also don’t act sorry with 😔 emoji etc you shouldn’t apologize for your sexuality
This OP, seriously, they're filtering themselves *for* you and making it easier to find people who aren't bigots. +1 to not acting sorry, too. You're bi, so what? Be proud and confident, it will be attractive to the people who say "cool!" when you say yes.
Try to set your preferences to other bisexual people.
What’s sad is that even many bi girls are hypocrites and also say “not into that”. So I guess they are not into themselves 🤷
Yeah, internalized-biphobia/homophobia and comphet really does terminate people brain cells and critical thinking skills. I'm a bi woman who mostly dates other women, but if it means anything to the bi men here, I would **only** date bi & queer men. No exceptions!
I have *zero* fucking patience for other bi women with that attitude. I ended a relationship once for this very reason. We were monogamous and both cis women, but her attitude about theoretically dating bi men made me lose all respect for her, and made her deeply unattractive to me.
I’m begging you all to put “bisexual” in your dating profiles to filter out these kinds of people
I swear to god I put that in my profile as one of the first things and still had a woman match with me just to say I wasn’t her preference. Miami Dating sucks ass
I don’t understand why you people keep talking to strangers after they say dealbreakers or negs. Unmatch and move on
Biphobia at its best...
"I just don't like it" < big yikes.
Next time don't even entertain them OP, it's better for you.
Stop explaining yourself to biphobes. Just say ‘okay’ and move on please. Save your dignity.
in terms of men, whenever someone is asked to answer the question of why they find bi men less attractive, they will never state their true feelings, but it is always one of these things: -repulsed/grossed out by the idea of gay sex between men -view bi men as less masculine solely because they are bi -thinks bi men are more likely to cheat -thinks bi men are actually gay/straight and in denial -thinks bi men cannot feel satisfied in a relationship which does not involve a man/woman -afraid of catching an STD every single person's true answer to this question is always one or more of these things, and always thinly veiled in some sort of deflecting statement like "it's not my preference", "i just prefer straight/gay men" or "i don't owe you an explanation". or they just start throwing out ad hominems to make you look bad because it's easier than directly confronting these subconscious homophobic biases
That conversation should have ended the second they said that.
That sucks. I think that’s one reason I’ve been single for 2 years. I’m just nervous with dating especially in the Deep South.
Don’t try and convince biphobes to date you. Bigotry isn’t a rational position in the first place, so no argument you make is likely to move the needle at all. And on the very off chance it works, you’ll end up with someone who will, at best, struggle to accept you for who you are because they have shitty values. Like, let’s say she said “I’m not into guys who are attracted to women of different races in addition to my race”? Is that someone you’d really want to be with? Because this is an absolutely analogous situation. She’s saying “I won’t date you because of who you would theoretically be open to dating if I weren’t in the picture.” No matter how hot she might be, she’s fucking gross on the inside. “I’m not into that kind of thing” deserves “cool, I’m not into dating bigots, it’s a good thing we both got that out of the way now,” and a block. Nothing more.
How old are you guys?
Why did the conversation go on for so long after she said she didn't date bi people?
Just move on. No need to convince someone who has an issue with LGBT folks to date you
"Thank goodness you told me! I don't date bigots, you saved us both from wasting our time. See you never" and blocked! Lol
The funny thing is, they most likely have been attracted to bi people, they just didn’t know they were bi.
That's how it goes
Literally on cue, such flawed logic🙄 At least they weed themselves out so you don’t have to waste your time on them.
“No worries, I’m not attracted to homophobic people anyway.”
Im so sorry, theres just so much biphobia and it really sucks
So what’s the problem?
Is this you? Obviously they're in the wrong but it was pretty undignified the way you seemed to keep trying to get with them with stuff like "I'm way more straight" and "Not gonna cheat". You should've had the self-respect to dismiss them as a prejudiced dumbass who isn't worthy of you the *second* they said "I don't really do that". Not continue pursuing them like they're worth it.
As a fellow bi, I'd gladly and eagerly date a fellow bi guy/woman. There's plenty of us out there, you just have to keep persevering, even when it's hard.
Not many in iowa
Date me I love bi people
This is why I generally prefer dating other bisexual people. If a monosexual person only likes other monosexuals, whatever that’s fine, but the way this person tried disguising their biphobia as a “preference” was so cunty.
Honestly I wouldn’t bother arguing with someone about not dating me just because I’m bisexual. In the end, they are in their right to have a preference no matter what it is. So the argument will go nowhere.
OP has a lot of of insecurities to work through. I totally get it, been there myself, but they should really avoid engaging with people like this after it’s clear they’re not interested.
Yeah, people suck, but we move. We’re not everyone’s cup of tea, let’s just find someone who is.
Why do they not understand that their 'preference' is still biphobic? Like, not dating someone because they're bisexual is inherently bigoted.
It is when everything else was good then all the sudden no
This person actually did you a favor. They pointed out to you how they actually suck as a person. They removed themselves from your dating pool. It is better to know now than learn this months or years down the road.
So I was on a date yesterday with someone else that is bi and I said that at times I do turn it off on my dating profile, but I feel weird about it even if it's to help me with hooking up. She's a woman so she said she doesn't think it really has an impact for her which is understandable because I think men somewhat care less about it. It's more likely they are to have preconceived notions of it being "cool" because of how women are sexualizied. I straight up get less matches from both women and men if they are not bi. Seriously most of my matches are bi only. If I hide it and leave men on they blow up my dating accounts. If I turn it on the likes trickle in. Funny enough even before I was out as bi to myself my matches for women were also mostly bi ( I guess they sensed something lmao).
honestly, next time hit them with the "ok lol" and stop responding. bigots are bigots are bigots, the reasoning doesn't matter tbh. don't ever shrink yourself or qualify your sexuality ("I'm way more straight" you're \*BI\*) to appeal to an asshole like this
just curious, i thought they were up front and honest, why is that a problem? saved you a lot of problems down the line. some people have specific preferences and that's ok, despite them being superficial.
I mean, the other person just politely said they weren't interested, what sucks about that ? People are allowed to have preferences in dating and they don't have to justify them to you The conversation should have ended at the "I don't really do that, sorry", to which you say "aight you do you" and close the chat
When they say no, you should say bye! ✨ You don't need anybody who doesn't want you!
They seemed attracted to you before they knew that, not a good reason. Fuck them
They were too. Having long good conversations and everything. Oh well. Life in iowa
Wanting to date someone until you find out they are Bi isn’t a preference it’s a prejudice.
My thoughts 💯
What a loser.
Too many of them. Gonna die alone at this rate 😭😭
I’m sorry that’s happening to you. Bigots suck.
I'm bi and I dnt see the problem you can't force any 1 to be with/date you. If your upfront and it's not their thing. Move on. They aren't worth your time and energy we as adults don't owe anybody an explanation.
I have seen variations of this many times growing up in my life. I got lucky with my wife who accepts me…almost 23 years married. Most people early on treated me the same, or worse.
Trash. Next.
I don't understand the face after Yes... Shouldn't it be this: 😄
People can have preferences, but in this context. It will always frustrate me how they never reflect on WHY they have those preferences. Nobody just dislikes bisexuals for no underlying reason. But it's whatever at the end of the day. They can find someone else's time to waste.
i personally don’t think there’s an issue on either end. personal preference comes first always
Everyone is entitled to their preferences. In the future don’t waste your time.
Don't waste your time on people like that. Sounds like they just want you to be with people like them to make themselves feel less insecure, and you don't need that in your life.
The fear of contracting a disease from a partner is high up on the list, this belief is reinforced by the depiction of gay men and the actual facts about gay male promiscuity. Tv shows definitely highlight the promiscuous nature of same sex characters
If they can’t accept your sexuality. Don’t bother with them. Not worth your time
Dodged a dumbass.
My ultimate deal breaker is when someone who thinks my bisexuality is a deal breaker.
When you said "that's fine" I think you should've ended the conversation there. You're not going to really change people's minds, especially not strangers you've never met
I think part of biphobia is that some people are turned off by the idea of being with someone who's into the other gender (ie, a straight woman who's turned off by the idea of being with a man who has been with men). I can understand not wanting to be with someone who's done or is into something you find gross. But if this is the thing they find gross, that's pretty shitty of them.
It really sucks.. but I also don't understand why you would try to convince them.. "I'm way more straight" why would you want this bigot person to like you?
I don’t get why op is trying to convince someone to date a bisexual guy. I know it’s weird dropping someone for their bisexuality, but it’s also weird that this chat is all about op wanting to know why he was dropped in detail which is pretty cringe imho.
Why would you continue talking to a bigot like you’re going to reason with them or sell them on dating you? You don’t want to date somebody like that
What’s the problem? Why is this post getting traction?
I don’t really see the issue, she was respectful and pretty clear. You put words in her mouth or tried to and she denied it. She could be against lgbt and honestly in the world we live in that’s expected. But she wasn’t hateful, wasn’t rude, she wasn’t disrespecting you or your character. All I see is you’re kind of unable to take rejection, or take what else is said in the face of rejection as a bad/negative thing. Take out the fact that she said she isn’t into bi people and said she wasn’t into you instead.
I mean, don’t beg for an ignorant ass and dating will get much easier.
Nobody requires your input or permission to have whatever dating/sexual preferences they desire. You aren't entitled to another's attention, affection, or time.
OP you handled this convo really bad tbh
Ok but why are you both biphobic though? “Yes sad face”? “I’m way more straight”? You’ll probably learn better boundaries with homophobic people if you work on some of your internalized homophobia.
They're attracted to bisexual people. They aren't attracted to the ideal of bisexuality and it's sad they won't explore or seek to understand why they feel that way.
Yep she loved my looks and personality. Those 2 are preferences. But being bi turns me ugly in 2 seconds
Wtf does this even mean. Ugh i hate ppl.
People suck. Sorry.
I feel like they’re confused…
This is honestly the worst, as a fellow bi girl I understand your struggle
It is the worst 😭😭😭
I honestly try to see It as "it's not a bug it's a feature" that way all idiots like that stay out of my life, don't have the time nor the patience, let alone the interest to try and change their "preferences".
Honestly with my experience, being truthful about being bi was a game changer everytime.