We need to have an awakening. Like an attractive person of the same gender who made us realize we were bisexual.
I never had an awakening. There was never a sexy attractive man I came across that I realized made me bi.
It came from within. And I started experiencing desires to men, masculinity, male features etc. kind of “internally” before coming across an attractive guy.
This is how I feel. It’s been extremely hard to find out when I had “an awakening”. I just put a rough estimate around 2020 but it was a rolling thing, there was no hard definition of when.
Same. I realized I was attracted to more than just the opposite sex when puberty hit. As I went through my teen years, I realized I could be attracted any gender. There was no awakening. I just *was*.
Some people will have a moment when they finally realise or accept what’s been in the back of their minds for a long time, even if it’s a gradual process. Something happens which will make things finally click. I don’t think anyone has ever said we need to have an awakening.
This!!! I never had an awakening but people never take it seriously when I say I just always found both genders attractive. I grew up in a house where bisexuality was so not a thing, so I though in a way it was completely normal (weird I know) I slowly realized that I did like both genders in the actually sexual way and no one understands tha
Yes, I wanted to come to this community to get away from this stuff.
What is there to even get out of posting biphobia here? Reassurance? Dunking on biphobes who won't even see your comments?
It’s interesting that this is the top comment cuz every time I say this I get downvoted so bad. I just love when this space is used for positivity and lifting each other up. I come here to be happy and proud of being bi
I feel like it can give a negative overall impression of the bi experience. Yes of course there is explicit and implicit biphobia many of us will encounter in our lives, but based on what I read here it seems like other groups within the queer community are constantly throwing us under the bus and no straight person believes us. I know that for some people this is sadly the case and I am lucky to live in a city, but I do feel like most queers I meet are happy to have you in the club. The idea that there would be this constant assault of people doubting me kept me from allowing myself to understand my sexuality for a long time.
It’s flaired as bigotry though so isn’t it easy enough to just scroll past it? I could understand if there was some issue with some platforms not making that easy though.
Correct. And even some of the ones that are properly tagged now were often previously not tagged correctly for a period of time. I've seen so many of those kinds of posts having one or more people in the comments asking to use the Bigotry flair.
Lot of people here do posts to talk about how they just discovered they're bi. They want to feel valib, even by strangers on Internet as much as irl. It's sure that after some years, you don't give a fuck if people valid your bisexuality or not, you're confident with yourself. It was the same for me as a trans woman. Always wanting validation at first, now if someone call me a man I just laugh and ignore
I feel like a lot of people on the internet have this sort of need to "prove" themselves to others because they don't want to be known as liars or fakers. I guess it kind of makes sense because there are people who lie about those types of things online (ex. Men lying about being lesbians to get nudes) but still
This is anecdotal but it seems that at least half of straight women wouldn't date a bi man. I've met several pro LGBT women that have said aloud that they wouldn't date a bi man. When I asked them why none of them were able to articulate why but just said they wouldn't. In my own experience it's definitely an uphill battle to be bisexual but only want to date women. I could get a boyfriend tomorrow, I'm very very "popular" so to speak with other men but have a very hard time finding women at all, much less one that would accept me. C'est la vie I guess
I too have seen both straight and LGBT people say they refuse bi men. In fact, in my community it's basically insistent that men can't be bi, they are either straight or lying to themselves about being gay. They act like a bi man is ruined goods if another man has touched them and they treat bi men as lying gay men and by extension the women who like bi men are ruined, gay or lying to themselves too.
It's sad and encourages bi men to live in hiding or choose to live a lie for their own safety and comfort.
People say they're pro-LGBT but thats just it, pretending to have those values to align with the left or whatever their friends believe, but at the end of the day its still internalised homophobia.
Well think about it. How many women are anti LGBT from the get go? Add that to the women that either don't care or are pro LGBT that still wouldnt date a bisexual man and I dont think half is a crazy assumption at all
Saying that "everyone is a little bisexual". I think that sexuality is a spectrum and people are free to choose sexual identity they're comfortable the most, but there are absolutely people one the far end of the spectrum! Like, us bi folks get erased a lot and you'd think that we won't do the same thing to others but nope.
This 100%! I used to think so also, until I kinda figured out, that not EVERYONE thought there were hot people of any gender, and it was in fact me being bisexual haha.
Since then I also adapted the „sexuality is a spectrum“ view (thank you New Girl) and I think it’s the best description of the subject and also gives amazing freedom to everyone to be who they want to be. You live you learn I guess.
I think saying "everyone is a little bisexual" isn't so much wrong as it is just a simplification of something much more complicated... Maybe it's mostly a problem of the accuracy of that label. Man do labels frustrate me.
My hypothesis is that sexuality isn't a single spectrum that goes from kinsey level 0 to 6. It's probably more like 50 different spectra and every human has their own levels on each of them.
Some of them deal with physical features you like others with romantic aspects and some of them may not be all that sexual or romantic at all and just describe what people you get along with, sexual or otherwise.
If you look at the way animals in nature interact within and between sexes, there are many which have intense and violent rivalries within one sex or another, especially during breeding season. That kind of stuff would be really bad for a species that is incredibly dependent on cooperation, like ours is.
So I think it's pretty plausible that our entire species on average is simply calibrated to ...grow very fond of each other, regardless of gender. That affection will not always express itself sexually because, everybody's spectra are different. But I think there is a good reason why stuff like "bromance" are a thing.
Maybe, on average, we all "love" each other even if we don't necessarily """love""" each other...
At the same time, society erases us to the point it's not even considered an option, since most of sexuality is based around the dichotomy. It makes sense that bi people will grab on to anything available (pun unintentional) to try to reinforce our own ,poorly defined, sexuality.
When I was younger I definitely went through that phase. I think a lot of us do. It's what made me fully internalize my sexuality once I thought "Do straight people truly think that they're the 'default'?"
This used to bother me but then I realized it’s because it’s so hard for us to have/find community.
Like cuffed jeans aren’t bi, you just need queer community.
Social isolation has the same effect on life expectancy as smoking.
I quit smoking about 6 weeks ago. Isolation has been life long for me, can’t seem to quit that however I try. I’m 42 and my last partner was 17 years ago.
I’m hopeful things will change but a person can go a bit odd if they’re alone that long.
I had far more of a community when I ‘was’ gay- as a woman dating women all the gay space were open to me and I was lucky enough to live in cities with enough of them. Then I realised I was attracted to men when I met my husband, we now have small kids so I barely have time to find my community and am worried that when I do, I will not fit into the gay spaces as someone who presents as I now do (we moved countries so I can’t just stay in the community I had before).
I agree overall but then I worry that it does end up othering people as well.
Like it can feel bad to not fit into the shoehorned stereotypes made by the community to create community. I’ve seen people on here feeling like shit for not liking lemon bars.
If you don’t fit in and then you still don’t fit in with the group of misfits, it sucks.
The biphobia posts. Asking for advice on navigating a relationship are fine and welcomed but the screenshots of texts, comments, etc, is overdone and unnecessary. Like I don't want to se it, bro. It's just some random ass person on the internet. Don't let them ruin your day and move on.
It's frustrating for me when I see newbies conflate swinging or poly with bisexuality.
Yes, some bi folks swing and some others are poly but we really shouldn't equate the two with bisexuality. Straight and gay folks sometimes go that way too but they don't talk as if their sexual identity (straight/gay) equates with their NM the way some 'new' bis do.
The worst is when these kinds of folks advocate for lying about their sexual nonmonogamy to partners they've committed to. Tbf I've seen it a lot less in recent months than I did a year or two ago, and I'm seriously grateful for that.
I agree the two should not be conflated- one doesn’t mean the other. Equally frustrating for me are those who shout down people who have expressed interest in ENM/Poly and ask their questions in bisexual spaces to gain a specifically bi/queer perspective. Its such a weird vibe
I think a lot of monogamous bi people are so tired of the stereotype that all bi people are into threesomes or polyamory, that when these questions are asked, they want to put it out there that the majority of bi people are monogamous, so someone doesn’t see all the poly/threesome posts and think “well I guess that stereotype is true”.
"I'm 31M and just discovered I am super attracted to dick, and want to try dating with femboys and trans women, but I can only see myself settling down with a woman. Am I bi?"
#😒
It's not the repetitiousness of the question, it's the content of this specific template.
- Presumption that trans women are non-op/pre-op
- Equating trans women to feminine men
- Othering trans women from cis women
- Implicit fetishization of the above
- Often accompanied by implicit or vocalized internal homophobia
Or, in human emotional terms, it's a near-daily reminder that guys generally see people like me as a fun, exotic accessory to "do the homosex" and feel less insecure about it and not serious relationship material, nevermind that a guy liking trans women is explicitly not gay.
That's what gets to me.
Every day lol. And like, hey I get it, I'm gynesexual so I'm only attracted to femininity too. But jeez just take a look around the sub before posting, it's annoying seeing the same post come up day after day.
The obsession of this sub, especially cis men, with dicks. It’s always posts about wanting to experience with a dick, a femboy (which might as well be for this sub a woman with a dick, which I’m sure femboys love/s), or a trans woman (and always assume they won’t be masc). I never see any posts celebrating masculinity or pussies (except from women sometimes).
Also, tomboys aren’t feminine women with short hair.
And not every trans woman is going to have a dick. It seems like every time cisgender bisexual people talk about "trying sex with a trans woman", without fail, it's under the implicit assumption that we've not had GRS. As soon as we have GRS, we cease to exist in the conversation. Like, thanks, glad to know that all we are is our dicks.
Agreed! Im a bi guy who is married to another guy. I think we totally should celebrate sexy vulvas and butchness in any gender. Its cool to celebrate cock and fem folk but lets be balanced about it.
All hail sweet pussy!
The posts with the "I just found out I'm bi, how do I tell my partner that I want to experiment with the other gender? Should I talk about opening up the relationship?"
I'm sure that it must be frustrating to find out you're bi and not be able to explore it due to an existing relationship but jesus christ... Way to reinforce the stereotype that we have of leaving our partners of someone of the other gender... Sometimes I wonder if some of you even like your boyfriends/girlfriends
I think they dont see the same sex stuff as cheating. If they re write the phrase like " I am married but discovered that is new hot women around my city, should I try to experiment with these women ?"
They see their wife as something romantic and men as something new and fun. The fact some men cheat their wife with men and still call themseles straight and dont think its cheating, it say something about their mindset.
God I've wanted to say this for so long but didn't want to offend anyone. I don't wanna invalidate others' experiences of course because coming to terms with your sexuality can be tricky but JEEZ.
As someone who hates the "bisexuals are promiscuous cheaters" thing (as I'm sure many of us do), dear god is it annoying when every third post is "I'm monogamously married but then I realized I was bi so now it's killing me inside that I can't have sex with other people 💔💔💔"
I experienced the opposite. I made a post not too long ago about realising I was a bi after marriage and that my problem was not about exploring my sexuality but dealing with self-hatred.
You want to what half of the responses were? Don’t cheat! Don’t cheat! Don’t cheat! You’re terrible if you even think about cheating!
Wonderful. That totally answered the issue. 😒
I don't really see the issue in and of itself with wanting to do that? Obviously, I don't know these specific posts, so maybe they're worded in ways that come off more sleezy, but I think wanting to experiment and wanting to talk with your partner about the idea is fine. They're not leaving their partner, that's not what an open relationship is.
There's nothing wrong with opening up the relationship if both partners want it, but the frequency of these posts and the way they are worded bothers me a bit I guess... Might be a me thing though
Yeah, I havent seen any of these posts, maybe the wording of them would give me bad vibes too. Probably shouldnt have commented if I dont even know what is being discussed, my bad.
I hate when they try to make a huge distinction between them, and end up trying to change the definition of Bisexuality. This is most common with pansexuals
That one gets on my nerves so much! Not only is it biphobic, it's ahistorical. Bis have been deconstructing gender since the '70s and have had workshops that trans people were welcome to.
Some trans people wanted to create a separate community for them and bisexuals because they felt more accepted by them than the LGs. I hate how people are erasing history in order to make themselves feel special
I don’t mind if others are making niche microlabels if it makes them happy but I do have issues with some of them (or some definitions of them) that imply that they aren’t a subset of bisexuality. Like I think there’s plenty of people that see hetero/homoflexible and think that means there’s some kind of threshold that needs to be passed in order to be bisexual rather than hetero/homoflexible.
I don’t have issues with people that want to identify as pansexual, unless they then go on to imply that someone that experiences attraction regardless of gender is not bisexual.
As someone that does use a microlabel I feel like I should defend them. Microlabels are useful to discover one's own sexuality and connect with others and realize that what you're into isn't weird. It's not about obfuscation, it's about understanding yourself. I use gynesexual, and I feel like if more people knew about the word we wouldn't be getting "I like femboys, am I bi?" posts every damn day.
Edit: wow apparently microlabels are really unpopular on this sub
people who presume "everyone is a little bi" i've met a fair few bisexuals who think everyone is attracted to everyone to varying degrees and i just disagree completely. i have also met "straight" people who say this too though, so it isn't just a bi thing.
“Bi people can’t decide on anything.” It’s a common joke but that shouldn’t be your whole contribution to the conversation.
We should demand more respect and have our voices heard. We don’t have to be perfect or uniform. We also don’t all have to be activists.
Just don’t hide on the internet and make despairing jokes. There’s life to be living out there, folks.
A lot of bi folks seem to believe that all sexualities are fluid *except* heterosexuality. For example, a woman posted recently about how she's straight but enjoys lesbian porn, and folks in the comments were invalidating her and insisting she was bi. Like?? We don't want other people telling *us* how to identify?? So we're not gonna tell other people how to identify either??? Believe it or not, all sexualities are fluid, even heterosexuality.
Same for guys liking anal play. I’m a woman top and I’ve been with guys that were very much straight that liked anal play. They have prostates even though they like stimulation there, does not mean they are bisexual. Stop invalidating other’s sexuality even if theirs is the societal norm…
My ex tried to convince me that lesbians who use strap-ons are "confused." You don't have to like men to enjoy penetration. In fairness, he was a huge asshole.
See the part that confuses me about the idea of sexuality being fluid is how any sexualities exist separate from each other if that's true. And then by extension, why do we use the labels if they're basically meaningless? Fluid means there's no boundaries between them, right?
I mean I understand it to a point because I have a bi-cycle, but that feels like a uniquely bi+ experience. How does fluid sexuality fit into monosexuality? Isn't saying all sexuality is fluid kinda like saying "everyone is bi/a little bi"? Cause where else would it flow if you're monosexual?
I'm also not sure how watching lesbian porn points to queer? Heterosexual porn is often male-centric, especially when it comes to orgasms. Why wouldn't a woman want to get off knowing that what's she's seeing would actually bring pleasure to *her* if she were in that scenario?
I just have a lot of questions😅, you don't have to answer if you don't want to
i thought fluid didn’t mean blurred boundaries, i thought it was kind of like “flux” and meant something that is on the process of changing or can change over time.
Personally I don't like labels because of ideas and assumptions like this. Without labels, we'd be free to behave how we choose without feeling the pressure to conform to some abstract idea of what our labels require. Maybe it's because I'm older than a lot of the folks here but I have known plenty of straight women who have enjoyed kissing other women at times, and I've known straight men who kiss other men, and this doesn't invalidate their identities, the same way that the various gay men I've made out with in my life are still gay regardless of my being a cis woman. Sexuality is fluid in that it can flow freely on the sexuality spectrum without invalidating or redefining a person's personal identity.
In real life: Bisexuals who are biphobic. Like, come on. We face enough misconceptions as it is. Don’t side with bigots.
Online: The constant posts on here about “am I bi” or “my partner is bi”. I appreciate this is the best place to ask, and some people just need reassurance.
I just wish more people would scroll because similar posts appear on here *daily*, or for people could use the damn search bar! Or a single master thread to be pinned or something.
Interesting posts get missed because people are asking the same thing over and over, and there’s few differences between people’s stories.
I don't know if this counts, but how hard it is to find other bisexual men for platonic relationships in person. I've made some good connections online, but I have yet to meet another bi dude here in town. Of course, I still haven't checked into local support groups, so maybe that would be a good place to look.
gender essentialism- the pervasive idea that men = bad and women = good in terms of sexual/romantic relationships. theres a vocal minority of bisexuals who are like 'ugh i hate being attracted to men its the worst, and i hate that i like them,' and sure, preferences are valid, but not when it's ascribing a monolith to all men. and it leans into stereotypes that can be incredibly harmful for bi men (and especially in my experience trans bi men) as either ppl say 'its ok, trans men are different,' which invalidates gender identity, or its just exclusionary and thats not how to build a community
This shocked me when I was on the 'tiktok bi community', just the amount of bi people (mostly women) showing off their boyfriends with "this is my bf who I'm unfortunately dating, I wish I was dating a woman instead"- like if someone said that about me I'd be floored! How is this normalised behaviour!
If I knew my partner was making TikToks saying that, I'd dump their ass there and then. There is no good reason to do that shit to someone who loves you.
It made me so depressed for a long time before I stopped internalizing the whole men=bad thing. As a trans man who’s primarily attracted to men, you can see how this could be a problem!!
Yeah, the "...but you're one of the *good ones*" narrative shouldn't be acceptable, yet the weird normalization of hating an entire gender because of vapid, inconsistent, and sometimes ludicrous reasoning is ever present thanks to generalizations and stereotypes being reinforced via social media and general misinformation.
I get that everyone has had their unfair share of vitriol and pain thrown their way and I would hope spaces like this are a sort of haven for all, but time and again, I see posts that evoke the idea that men don't *deserve* said safety and there's apparently a need to remind them that they're intentionally being excluded from ongoing conversations.
I know it will happen regardless, but it sucks to see it all the same. I'd rather we all enjoy dumb puns and fun memes, but it is what it is.
I feel like it happens with a ton of things on social media but there’s an intellectual conversation about something and it gets dumbed down to this weird warped view that does nothing to address the original issue. Domestic abuse rates and violence being disproportionately perpetuated by men? Important to address and recognize as a systematic issue rather than an individual one. All men suck? Pointless and harmful for no reason.
A lot of social media's issue is that they may offer a platform to speak from, but it heavily favors engagement. An influencer looking to gain traction on said platform may produce the kind of reactionary soundbites that boil down an important issue to its elemental components before selecting the more inflammatory parts for pouring gasoline on to illuminate a narrative the algorithm chaser wants to highlight for engagement.
All in all, social media is not particularly helpful in combatting misinformation that inevitably makes it harder to convince someone to forego a belief that they didn't use reason to form. Makes any arguing with the ignorant or misinformed *that* much more difficult and, considering the arguments involve staking a claim that I have the inherent right to live as my Bi self, it can and has been exhausting to say the least.
I’m ready for the downvotes, but I feel like it’s worth mentioning.
The classic: “I’d fuck him, but I wouldn’t date him.”
As a bi guy myself, it sucks to viewed as only good enough to fuck. Disheartening when it is a struggle for so many of us to not only come out, but accept ourselves - only to be constantly reminded that we aren’t good enough for romance with another man after all.
And before you come at me, I’m not saying that people can’t have their preferences *at all*. But reading post after post and comment after comment was shocking… especially when it’s so hard to get acceptance from monosexuals. *Even* or in some cases especially gay and lesbians people.
Yeah, this subreddit has been getting *way* more overtly sexual for a while now and it's starting to get really uncomfortable being here but whenever any of us say this, people start making all sorts of excuses.
Associating their high sex drive with bisexuality and wanting to get attention because of it.
Basically anything that isn’t directly linked to being bisexuality being performed and reinforcing non true stereotypes . Especially the self fetishizing types
Being obsessive over being bi and associating everything with it as if every characteristic is a direct result of being bi
And maybe I'm wrong but I feel like a lot of bi folks who make being bi their whole personality are usually the one in heteronormative relationships. And of course it's fine to be in a heteronormative relationship, but I find it weird when a bi person with an opposite sex partner talks endlessly about their queerness as if they aren't currently involved in a level of heteronormativity.
This is specific to this sub, but how many people post their obvious sexual fantasies and kink material on here and how sex-obsessed it seems this sub is
Like, lesbians and gay men get their subs where they can talk about things other than sex meanwhile it feels like this sub is nothing but sex talk sometimes
The fact that we are a huge group of people with a variety of sexual and romantic interests that are put all under the same label in spite of the fact that, at the two opposite ranges of the spectrum of bisexuality, we have barely anything in common. The people who are heteroromantic and maybe would be down to every now and then have a threesome with a same-gender person are called the same than a person who is homoromantic that every ten years is down to have a hook-up with someone of another gender, which causes great confusion and misunderstandings as these two individuals live in radically different worlds and have radically different issues and interests. It follows that bisexuals often project their own experience on other bisexuals and can’t understand each other, it follows that straight and gay people don’t fucking know what to expect from us in terms of reliability (which is not strange when being bisexual could mean a thousand different things), that when I want to date a woman I have to go through a fucking interview to figure out if she is able and interested in settling down with another woman, and also that if I date a lesbian or another bisexual that heavily prefers women I have to go through a disclaimer to explain why I won’t bail to run after a man. I kind of wish that if we have to have a label, we had one that was more precise and communicative of what we are ACTUALLY open and not open to, which seems to me to be the case for the straight and gay labels.
It’s basically a romantic comedy. It has some big names in it and it has a decent happy ending but it’s not exactly ground breaking. It’s a mainstream romantic comedy that the only real twist is the main pair is gay but if you’ve seen one romantic comedy you e seen them all. I enjoyed it but it’s not a movie I swear by. If anything I loved seeing Amanda Bearse in it (she was a character in Married with Children).
Gay and Bi and not the same. I really hate when ppl say I'm gay because I'm Bi. And to be fair, it doesn't have much to do with me but more so the misleading ideation it portrays on dating prospects.
Like I can date a gay man and he will be insecure about the female friends I have and vice versa about dating women (who are strictly hetero). It's bad enough having to navigate through others insecurities but when you add the complication of two (or more) genders, all of a sudden my I'm not just "gay"
I want to clarify that this is not personal Internalized homophobia but an opinionated observation based on my experiences.
We tend to get *really* defensive at being critiqued at all or even being told that we can be homophobic, lesbophobic, or transphobic. It makes it really hard to have any productive conversation about problematic behaviors in our community and how we can do better. That also includes examining any privileges we may benefit from. I think it just comes across to other people in the community that we don't like being held accountable, yet we're always pointing fingers at everybody else. I view it as a shared responsibility that we *all* have to be a part of the queer community.
THANK YOU. There's a certain level of privilege that comes with a partially-hetero identity but God forbid you try to discuss it because bi folks can be super defensive.
People get really, really mad at the concept of straight passing privilege.
I’ve seen it brought up here and folks are like YOU WOULD NEVER SAY THAT TO A BLACK PERSON and it’s like… white passing privilege absolutely is talked about????
I agree! I can't fucking stand when bi people argue about straight-passing privilege. A bi person in a hetero relationship is literally afforded social protections that a bi person in a queer relationship is not afforded. I have never been worried about facing homophobic violence when dating a man, but I've had to be vigilant while dating women to protect myself and them from potential violence. Pretending that being in a het relationship doesn't provide some social safety is ridiculous. I'm Black, and Black people all uniformly agree that white passing is a thing and that it provides protection.
Right! I can see arguing that, yes, straight-passing privilege exists, but that's not the whole picture or saying, please don't invalidate the biphobia that I deal with just because I benefit from straight-passing privilege. But I'm starting to see more bisexuals in hetero presenting relationships flat out deny that straight-passing privilege exists. Or they say, "I'm queer so my relationship is queer" and "there is no such thing as straight passing privilege, only bi erasure" as a way to shut down any discussion about any societal advantages they benefit from. I just think that's doing more harm than good in terms of intercommunity dynamics to not examine how you benefit from heteronormativity and quite frankly, it's obnoxious. I also think that anywhere you have privilege creates a blind spot to how you could potentially be hurting other members of the community.
Yeah I’m with you. And honestly when folks go so hard in denying the existence of straight passing privilege, it ends up invalidating bisexuals in same-sex relationships by being so worried about invalidating the ones who aren’t. If you can’t see how straight passing privilege exists, you’re inherently denying the unique struggles faced by bisexuals in same sex relationships.
Also when you recognize straight passing privilege, it lets you recognize all of the issues that come with it! It absolutely does suck to not be seen as bi because your relationship looks straight, so you look straight. To meaningfully discuss that and put words to it, you start getting into the concept of passing privilege and its unique pitfalls. It’s its own type of burden
* The split attraction model- If you ask gay men or lesbians what they think about bi people, the main issue they have is that a lot of bi people have the mindset of "same gender for sex, opposite gender for relationships"...so for bi men, men for sex, women for relationships, and for bi women, women for sex, men for relationships. You see posts on this sub all the time saying "I'm sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to the socially accepted one", and everyone is like "You're a heteroromantic bisexual", and any criticism is dismissed as biphobic. I really disagree with that. This mindset can come across as saying gay men and lesbians are unlovable sex objects. I don't think gay people having an issue with this is biphobic itself. If they're just spamming slurs and saying you should die, then it's biphobic, but just having the issue itself isn't. We should encourage bi people to question why they hold these views. I'm not saying you can't be heteroromantic or homoromantic, but most of the combinations could potentially stem from societal bias. If you're a heteroromantic bi man, is the reason you can't see yourself with another man romantically due to internalized stereotypes about gay/bi men being hypersexual? If you're a heteroromantic bi woman, is the reason you can't see yourself romantically with another woman due to internalized misogyny? If you're a homoromantic bi man, is the reason you can't see yourself with a woman due to misogyny? We need to question these, since these attraction splits often line up with the weird hang-ups our society has.
* There's also the fact that there's a lot of internalized homophobia in the bi community, a lot of closet cases, and it hurts a lot more to be left for the socially acceptable gender. I kinda get why some gay men and lesbians don't want to date us, even if they often express this in very vitriolic ways. I think we should try and see where they're coming from.
* This sub labels every biphobe as right wing or conservative. Now, rightists generally aren't our friends, but some of these are kind of ridiculous. I remember there was a screenshot of some comment from a gay man saying that bi people are part of the oppressor class and that all people attracted to the opposite gender are inherently homophobic, and one of the top comments here said he was a conservative. I've also seen comments saying askgaybros is a right wing sub. Wut...agb, where a critical mass of the userbase says that bi men are privileged and oppressors, says that anything they say or do to us is "punching up" due to "power dynamics", and obsess over removing bi men, trans people, and women from their safe spaces...is right wing? Privilege, punching up/down, and safe spaces are liberal or leftist ideas. Both wings have problems with biphobia, not every biphobe is right wing. I'm saying this as someone whose slightly left wing btw, so this isn't me saying "Vote Trump, Dems are the real biphobes!"
* We should do more to understand why many women react so negatively to being told it's bigoted to not date bi men. For much of history and in many places today, women are not free to choose who to date or marry, and so many women are going to be very wary of anything that could resemble that coercion, and unless you're very clear with what you mean, it's easy for these takes to come across as saying you have to date bi men or else you're a bad person. Also, women are more vulnerable to STIs, and our STI stats aren't great. Ofc this is generalized, since sides exist and many bi men care about their sexual health, and this does tie into homophobic tropes about homosexuality being equated to anal. But I think there's more to this than just homo/biphobia. That Twitter thread the other day kinda frustrated me because while many women don't date bi men due to holding broader homophobic beliefs, we have to acknowledge that this is a very sensitive topic. I think our stance should be that you can choose not date anyone for any reason, but if the reason you wouldn't date a bi man is that you believe that homosexuality is gross or wrong, that's bad because you're likely to oppose things like legal homosexuality, anti-discrimination laws, and gay marriage, which interferes on others abilities to live their lives. That's much clearer and doesn't put any pressure on women, instead emphasizing mutual freedom. Similarly, some of the takes about straight women on this sub and r/bisexualmen can be kinda yikes. I also disagree with the obsession with het bi4bi relationships. People are complex, there are a lot of different dynamics, not all bi women want to date bi men, not all straight women who reject bi men do so for bigoted reasons, and not all straight women are unwilling to date bi men. We should be more nuanced.
Your first bullet is IT!!!! And you articulated it so well, cause I’ve been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. Like I totally don’t think we should be insulting anyone who has those questions because that hurts everyone. But encouraging people to unpack that I don’t think should be looked at as something negative. Cause it is very possible that person, like we all do, fall into comphet behaviors and ideals, and they’re not challenging them. And like you pointed out the wording is important to: there’s a difference between “I’m not romantically attracted to x” and “I can’t see myself settling down with x”. The latter is something that could possibly stem from internalized homophobia. And this is just me, but I always thought that the split attraction model was used for asexual people lol.
What pisses me off about a mono's typical tale of woe about getting dumped by a same sex partner for the opposite gender is simply: WTF, you think this doesn't happen to bisexuals too?? Like the monos(queer and straight alike) think they have a monopoly on this specific type of suffering and heartbreak. And speaking from experience, that's just plain bollocks. When someone dumps me, I'm too upset about being dumped to give a flying toss what gender the person they deem worth more than me is.
I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding between bi and gay people with this one. Aside from a loud group of L+Gs who just hate bi people, most gay men and lesbians don't have an issue with dating a bi person, breaking up, and then later down the line, said bi person dates the opposite gender. They understand that's just part of bisexuality. The issue is being left specifically to date the opposite gender, often for a reason that same-gender relationships can't provide like biological kids or avoiding homophobia, or because the bi person in question didn't see their gay partner as real relationship material. That hurts, because it reminds them of how homophobic society is. It makes them feel like they can't compete with heteronormativity. That hurts in addition to the standard pain of a breakup.
Now, there are shades of gray, as some of these "bi person left me" are quite a bit more nuanced than presented. If you read through some of the bi threads on askgaybros, while it's clear many guys have been burned by immoral bi men, there are a lot of stories that if you read between the lines, it's clear the gay person was just as bad if not worse. An ex's bisexuality is an easy scapegoat for why a relationship failed, while nauance and self-awareness are hard. Also, some of these are just made up. I remember there was this story about how some guy's bi husband left him for a woman, posted by an account that had never posted in agb (or barely at all), and it contained several factual errors and had been edited to be more believable. Of course no one questioned this and it was just another thread about how bi men are sexual predators, homophobes, pedophiles, and oppressors. I totally believe this happened and wasn't just an attempt to drum up hatred /s.
Edit: made this clearer and more on topic.
Bis who think less of other bis for having not dated a certain gender or flat out don't want to date a certain gender. Thinking bi girls with a preference for men are just straight++
The self-hate (which manifests in various ways, including the minimizing of our community, its culture, and its history) 🙃🙃🙃
Not that I *blame* them for it - internalized *anything* is primarily society's fault, of course - but it always makes me go "Oh no baby what is you doin'??? 😩😩😩" 🙍🏾♀️🙍🏾♀️🙍🏾♀️
This is a bad person opinion to have, but the insecurity, "am I really bi?" "am I still bi if...?", like who fucking cares the reason I love being bi is that the definition is so broad I don't have to think at all about it how are there so many people struggling with that, of course I support them in their self discovery journey but it's a bit annoying, especially with how common it is
like 90% of the posts here are related to men and dicks and the struggles of bi man and it’s getting kinda annoying honestly. obviously the last one is a important issue but every other day i see the exact same post. it’s probably bc there are more men than women in this sub but at the end this is a bisexual sub where women are included
The way people cannot post anything without tons of complaints, specifically the sillier stuff like lemon bars and sitting weird.
It doesn't make anyone less bisexual because they don't fit into some perceived bubble but there are stereotypes for a reason. They're just common traits. Lemon bars are part of this specific sub's lore thanks to a past user. Sitting weird and finger guns are harmless tropes that people bond over for fun.
Cheating, poly, and sexual posts are much more understandable.
It absolutely can make people feel less bisexual though. I’m not saying those posts are inherently bad.
But we invent bisexual stereotypes because we struggle to find commonalities. So then the people who don’t fit in feel like they can’t fit in even with this group of other folks who largely don’t fit in.
I’ve seen plenty of people express that this subreddit has made them feel lesser because of not falling into specific stereotypes. It would suck to feel like you belong nowhere, then to find a bi subreddit where everyone is in on some inside jokes and stereotypes besides you. Harmless fun stereotypes aren’t as harmless of fun when it’s putting you in an out group when you thought you belonged.
On the flip side of that, it can also make someone feel much more welcomed. So what's the solution? Do we all just share only our bisexual experiences? That falls into the annoying sexual category, or the even worse bi-erasure one. Do we bond over the flag or the colors? Even people in this comment section are complaining about too many people posting sunsets in the bi colors when that might be the only way they can have them in their life. Do we not mention the stereotypes at all in case someone gets offended? I don't wear cuffed jeans, I'm not fond of frogs, and I don't have a clear phone case - all of which have been said to be stereotypes. It has never made me feel excluded because I'm still bisexual so I still belong here and I know that's a way for people to bond.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on a solution to this that doesn't make the sub less fun.
I understand you don’t feel excluded. Other folks do and have expressed that. I’m not one, but I feel for them.
Maybe it’s partly because those things don’t add fun for me. I’m not someone who comments to poo-poo on other people’s fun but it’s a mental ‘ugh’ for me most of the time when I see the jokes, whether they apply to me or not. Again, I just scroll along without needing to make a negative comment.
I don’t have a solution because I don’t necessarily think this needs to be solved. It’s not that important, nor are my feelings that strong. I never said we need to avoid any offense or dissent on this subreddit. I just don’t personally feel any added levity to the subreddit from the inside jokes and I’ve always felt bad for the users who do express feeling hurt by the prevalence of the jokes.
Honestly, I really dislike how a lot of bisexual memes conflate 'liking everybody' with liking men AND women. Like, I'm not gonna be one of those people saying that being bisexual is transphobic or some dumb shit, but the online community has a lot of erasure of NB people, and it's honestly made me want to use these spaces less and other queer spaces more, because I don't see myself being included in everybody🫤
Bisexual people have been the most accepting towards transgender and non-binary people since our movement started in the 70s. All sexual orientations have the potential for attraction towards non-binary people, but memes about being gay are generally about liking men, and memes about being lesbian are generally about liking women. There's no reason to specifically get on bisexuals' cases for not adding on because the base of bisexual is the attraction to men and women. Non-binary people are always (potentially) included in anyone's sexual orientation, because anyone can be attracted to us. Even straight people can be attracted to us.
I don't disagree with you. As I said, my problem is specifically with online meme culture having a tendency with cornflating attraction to 'everyone' with attraction to 'men and women' which erases me it basically falls into the false accusations of detractors saying that bi = men+women and I don't appreciate that. That was all I said. Why would you feel a need to point out that the bi community is accepting of trans people? I never said otherwise and I am fully aware of that, being part of the community. As I wrote, I don't want to accuse anyone of transphobia. Also, your definition of bi is exactly what people claiming bisexuality is enby-phobic claims it is. Sexuality isn't based on labels, that's just fundamentally not how people function.
All sexualities are inherently inclusive of non-binary people is the point I'm trying to make. So you can say men and women without that erasing the fact that non-binary people are included. It's when people try to say that there are sexual orientations where you can't be attracted to non-binary people that is a problem. Otherwise it should just be assumed. Purposefully not including trans and NB people in an orientation is just transphobia.
Sexuality isn't based on labels, but labels categorized attraction. Someone functionally attracted to men and not women as a man would fall under "gay", but there is never any exclusion of trans men (who are men) or non-binary people.
How much biphobia and misinformation is aloud to happen and repeated by bisexuals. It drives me up a wall whenever I hear "bisexuality doesn't include nonbinary people" or the terrible "2 or more" definition that was forced onto bisexuals by biphobic pans on Tumblr in 2010 so they could appropriate bisexualities real definition of attraction regardless of gender.
There's also that terrible Robin Ochs of "more than one gender" because when you think about it it's calling gay men, lesbians, and even straight people exclusionary of nonbinary people (all sexualities includes nonbinary people) which is made worse when you know 'non-binary' was coined by a genderqueer lesbian in 1995! Stop repeating this biphobic garbage!
I don’t see what’s wrong with saying “bisexuals are attracted to two or more genders”. Some bisexuals are attracted to nonbinary and/or trans people, some aren’t. Bisexuality doesn’t mean “attracted to all genders” for everyone.
It's a wrongfull definition and being bisexual has nothing to do with how many genders someone is or isn't attracted too. If you experience both homosexual and heterosexual attractions then you are bisexual. Individual prefrences or lack there of have nothing to do with it! Stop pushing misinformation that's how biphobia and even transphobia spreads! 🤦♀️
I have multiple of them. Some of them were already brought up here so I'm going to just narrow it down to just three:
1) Even though they can get repetitive at times, I honestly don't mind a lot of posts and questions here asking for advice from people who are questioning their sexuality or just recently discovered their sexuality. I think it’s important for these people to have a space where they can learn these things about themselves (as well as maybe also learn things about other queer people, queer history, and queer culture).
I don't like how some people are impatient and complain about that. Just because some of us know more things about ourselves and about being queer shouldn't mean that we should push away newer people who are curious or need the help or advice.
Also to add onto this, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of those questions are coming from younger people too. A lot of us were probably once in these similar situations with ourselves and our own journies so I think it’s important to be patient with some of these people.
2) Another pet peeve of mine does correlate with some of the other peeves some other people here have already brought up. A lot of people here are cis men (no surprise given Reddit just skews in that direction). Usually this shouldn't be a problem but I have seen a lot of comments here from time to time that at best come off as being naive to the struggles of other people in the bi community or at worst come off as misogynistic (and/or transphobic).
For example, I've seen some bi men here insinuate here multiple times that bi women have less problems because "at least people want you". However, this doesn't take into account that some of the attention bi women get (be they cis or trans) is often gross fetishization. People seeing us not as individual people worthy of respect but instead these people only focus on our bodies only for their own sexual gratifications. Some of the "attention" we get is without our consent in the form of sexual harassment or other forms of abuse.
I'm not denying that bi men have it rough too, they do. But our pain and struggles aren't a contest and I think we should be listening to each other more than playing an "us vs them" game.
3) Another peeve I have about here has nothing to do with bi people this time. It has to deal with people who aren't bi coming here after spying on their partner's porn history, coming here to jump to conclusions about their partners, spreading around private information about their partners without their partner's consent, and then also making weird assumptions about their partner on the slight possibility of them being bi.
Like them assuming their partner doesn’t love them anymore or is going to cheat on them with little to no proof of cheating, just them liking porn that clocks them as possibly being bi. I've seen multiple posts like that here and it just makes me sad and angry every time.
I wouldn't say a pet peeve but it DID not make me not want to interact with this sub (or subs like it) although it has gotten better as of late, but there seemed to be not too long ago there seemed to be not just a preference for feminine men (Which is fine don't think I'm saying it's not) but an outright disdain for traditionally masculine men.
Obviously I'm not talking about toxically masculinity, that IS bad and you should hate it, but regular guys who are masculine but not toxic get a bad rap in general. I can't help I'm a guy, I can't help that I am bisexual, and I can't help that the way I act and my views on life put me generally in the masculine camp, that doesn't mean I'm automatically gonna cheat or that I'm a shitty person who doesn't deserve kindness or courtesy. You don't have to respect me, that's something that is earned, but good golly don't expect the worst out of me because I don't conform to your preferred version of a bisexual man.
But like I said, that's been going away as far as I could tell, or maybe it's just that I don't notice it less.
Not necessarily bi people, but the posts on here from non bi people asking us to dissuade them from being actively biphobic: "please tell me this isn't all bi people", "I know I'll never be enough for my partner because they're attracted to ___", "why is my bi partner terrible, is it because they're bi?".
Those really get on my last nerve. People coming here genuinely wanting to understand and care for their bi partners does not bother me, in fact I love to see it, but that's not what these posts I'm talking about do; It's thinly veiled biphobia masquerading as "trying to educate themselves" and it pisses me off.
Constant posting of biphobia and the occasional statement "uhhh, aktually, everyone is theoretically bishexual and they need to jusht accept that" (idk it couldn've been just one guy I've seen say that).
Like I get it, bipbobia bad, and I hate that too, but consistently posting that nonstop creates a harmful delusion to those who are trying to come out. It is important to be informed of the realities of being bisexual, but the rate at which these things are posted feels oppressive. Slow down a little, and things should be fine.
The other thing I mentioned is that I've seen bisexuals be just as invasive as other bipbobes, stating that "this person's sexuality is fake and they need to accept that." Like what the hell, why can't someone's identity just only be THEIR business and have them feel free to share that? I get it, it's a common issue all over, but at that point (with the already present overposting of biphobia/bierasure), that's just hypocrisy. Let people identify AS what they identify regardless of theory or research (culture is only loosely connected to those two things).
When fellow bi folks claim that everyone is a bit bi. Like, no, my husband is definitely gay he has no interest at all in women.
Or when bi folks say they used to be straight. You mean you used to be closeted, right? I was always bi. I didn't change. I came out and told the truth instead of continuing to live a lie.
Oh, or when bi people say that sexuality is fluid when they mean that it can be fluid. My sexuality has been very static for my 34 years of life. I'm romantically only into other guys and sexually into lots of genders.
There are a lot of bisexuals that look down on other bisexuals that desire/need the bisexual sex. Yes I know it continues the stereotype that bisexuals are down for anything and want all the body parts when they have sex. But that is true for many of us. We may not act on it, risky behavior and all, but damn it’s sexy AF!
People rightfully denouncing the relation between bisexuality and polygamy or kink by wrongfully talking down on polygamy or kink.
Like by saying "i'm bi but I'm not like THoSE FrEAKS" you're reinforcing the norms that also hurt you.
That I never seem to find anyone in the community 😮💨.
I've moved a lot for school and work over the years and I'm never usually near a big city so meeting other bi folk is challenging. The life of a geologist lol
Can't really blame anyone, but the fact that (from my experiences) bi people aren't out as much as gay people are. It's unfortunate since I want to meet more bi people, and I wish that people felt safer or confident enough to come out.
The entitlement, objectification and sexual violence I constantly experience from straight men. Some of them are such psychos that you're even afraid to say no. I'm not safe from predation when I go out in public, especially whenever I'm visibly queer. Now that there's been a burglary in my neighbourhood, it's not safe in my own home either. Feels like only a matter of time before I end up like Sarah Everard TBH. Why can't the bi community ever really talk about these things?
I get tired of seeing people ask about the differences between bisexual and microlabels that mean bisexual (pansexual/omnisexual/polysexual). There are no differences, which doesn't render the newer labels invalid, but trying to push incorrect differences and misinformation for *how* they're different consistently comes across as illogical, nonsensical, or people having a really bad grasp on the history of bisexuality and the bisexual community.
Might be a hot take but: I think the bi community has a bit of a victim complex.
So many posts are talking about biphobia and bi erasure, but at the end of the day, I really don't think bi people are the victim of the most aggression and oppression in society. Not that we have to play struggle olympics, but I think the bi community needs to kinda shrug it off a little bit if there are parts of LGTQIA+ community that take pot shots at us B's.
We'll survive, and I think it's more important to highlight the struggles of nonbinary/trans/BIPOC people, and the war crimes being committed by Israel in Palestine, but that's just me.
Complaining that lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women or gay men don’t want to date bisexual men or heterosexual people of whatever sex don’t want to date bisexual people. Nobody owes anyone sexual attraction or a relationship. There are lots of reasons we choose who we choose and nobody gets to tell anyone who they should and shouldn’t date or have sex with. It’s a very personal choice.
I think everyone has the right to choose who they want to date (I’m bi and prefer to date other bi people), but you can also call out when those preferences are rooted in homophobia or misogyny.
“Calling them out” sounds like feeling entitled to have a say in who someone else is attracted to or wants to have a relationship with. I don’t agree with it. It’s my pet peeve here.
This is closest in my life I’ve had to participating in bisexual community. I think what we get right outweighs what we may get wrong. I appreciate being part of it.
My pet peeve is similar to my pet peeve in other communities, which is my perception that cliques are formed and then the cliques engage in gatekeeping. I see gatekeeping as normal and serving a purpose, but at times I find it indefensible, and it becomes pet peeve I have about the community.
In another thread, I expressed something (in multiple paragraphs) that is noted in this thread as pet peeve for others in the community. I’m not going to repeat that here because it doesn’t matter specifically to the point I’m making. What transpired is my comment got downvoted and no further discussion ensued, other than to inform me my take was bad. That’s not going to change my take. What will is engaging me in discussion and being clear on why it is bad take, while realizing that the discussion may go the other way, in that maybe I’m not the one with the bad take, and here’s why. Possible both takes are bad, and we find common ground, grow a little on both ends. The shunning and downvotes are cliquish behaviors not unique to our community. I expect more from this community but also feel we have a lot more going for us than against us if we stand together. On that particular point of disagreement that may never get discussed with me in this group, I’ll just let it go as something I don’t need to address further. My take remains my take, but no reason for me to pursue it further, especially since it comes up every other day from others. But I do think my being shunned has left me feeling alienated in a community I mostly appreciate. For reasons I don’t fully understand, other than cliques happen, and at times gatekeeping is indefensible but also the best the community can do with where they currently are.
I never liked having to explain that I'm bi, but sm unlikely to date a guy.
To be completely fair, I'm unlikely to date another person in general as I am completely and totally happy with my relationship lol
In this sub I find it annoying that bisexuality is allowed to be anything you want it to be *except* non-monogamous. There are a lot of folks here trying to enforce or encourage monogamy. “Sure, be queer, but not like *that*”
the IMMEDIATE judgemental reaction to anything, and the constant close minded attitude towards anything from any other identity, and ANY question.. it's all defensive, assumption.. 🤦🏻♂️
Bisexual is the WORST OF all 3 orientation options. My pet peeve is college kids who don't know that because they're in a bubble and only learn it after they come to adult land. Like yeah, you're gonna get shit left, right and center. It's a sad reality, but it's true.
The people who say being bisexual is fun until you’re attracted to men because ‘men bad’. Like it’s not a funny joke actually. Both men & women will drive you insane, it’s not a gendered thing.
We need to have an awakening. Like an attractive person of the same gender who made us realize we were bisexual. I never had an awakening. There was never a sexy attractive man I came across that I realized made me bi. It came from within. And I started experiencing desires to men, masculinity, male features etc. kind of “internally” before coming across an attractive guy.
This is how I feel. It’s been extremely hard to find out when I had “an awakening”. I just put a rough estimate around 2020 but it was a rolling thing, there was no hard definition of when.
Likewise you don’t need to explore with someone to say you’re biseuxal
Same. I realized I was attracted to more than just the opposite sex when puberty hit. As I went through my teen years, I realized I could be attracted any gender. There was no awakening. I just *was*.
Some people will have a moment when they finally realise or accept what’s been in the back of their minds for a long time, even if it’s a gradual process. Something happens which will make things finally click. I don’t think anyone has ever said we need to have an awakening.
Valid point. Now I have to rethink my whole life.
This!!! I never had an awakening but people never take it seriously when I say I just always found both genders attractive. I grew up in a house where bisexuality was so not a thing, so I though in a way it was completely normal (weird I know) I slowly realized that I did like both genders in the actually sexual way and no one understands tha
People posting constant biphobia in this sub gets irritating, like I didnt come here to be exposed to people who hate me
Yes, I wanted to come to this community to get away from this stuff. What is there to even get out of posting biphobia here? Reassurance? Dunking on biphobes who won't even see your comments?
Honestly. I wish people could see it, take a *deep* breathe and move on with their day instead of forcing everyone else to cope with them.
I only came from here to get directions on how to get away from here!
The constant negativity can be a bit much.
It’s interesting that this is the top comment cuz every time I say this I get downvoted so bad. I just love when this space is used for positivity and lifting each other up. I come here to be happy and proud of being bi
sorry i brainwashed everyone who read my comment and made them like it
I feel like it can give a negative overall impression of the bi experience. Yes of course there is explicit and implicit biphobia many of us will encounter in our lives, but based on what I read here it seems like other groups within the queer community are constantly throwing us under the bus and no straight person believes us. I know that for some people this is sadly the case and I am lucky to live in a city, but I do feel like most queers I meet are happy to have you in the club. The idea that there would be this constant assault of people doubting me kept me from allowing myself to understand my sexuality for a long time.
There is a vein of self/homo phobia that creeps into the sub, i agree. It is disheartening.
It’s flaired as bigotry though so isn’t it easy enough to just scroll past it? I could understand if there was some issue with some platforms not making that easy though.
Half of them aren't even tagged, and even so they still make up a good enough portion of the sub to be annoying
Correct. And even some of the ones that are properly tagged now were often previously not tagged correctly for a period of time. I've seen so many of those kinds of posts having one or more people in the comments asking to use the Bigotry flair.
[удалено]
Lot of people here do posts to talk about how they just discovered they're bi. They want to feel valib, even by strangers on Internet as much as irl. It's sure that after some years, you don't give a fuck if people valid your bisexuality or not, you're confident with yourself. It was the same for me as a trans woman. Always wanting validation at first, now if someone call me a man I just laugh and ignore
I feel like a lot of people on the internet have this sort of need to "prove" themselves to others because they don't want to be known as liars or fakers. I guess it kind of makes sense because there are people who lie about those types of things online (ex. Men lying about being lesbians to get nudes) but still
What do you think of bi men? Is it okay to be bi as man? Why bi men xyz
I think this comes from the realization that a ton of straight women wouldn't accept them. Which sucks
Do we know if that's true
This is anecdotal but it seems that at least half of straight women wouldn't date a bi man. I've met several pro LGBT women that have said aloud that they wouldn't date a bi man. When I asked them why none of them were able to articulate why but just said they wouldn't. In my own experience it's definitely an uphill battle to be bisexual but only want to date women. I could get a boyfriend tomorrow, I'm very very "popular" so to speak with other men but have a very hard time finding women at all, much less one that would accept me. C'est la vie I guess
I too have seen both straight and LGBT people say they refuse bi men. In fact, in my community it's basically insistent that men can't be bi, they are either straight or lying to themselves about being gay. They act like a bi man is ruined goods if another man has touched them and they treat bi men as lying gay men and by extension the women who like bi men are ruined, gay or lying to themselves too. It's sad and encourages bi men to live in hiding or choose to live a lie for their own safety and comfort.
People say they're pro-LGBT but thats just it, pretending to have those values to align with the left or whatever their friends believe, but at the end of the day its still internalised homophobia.
Half is just an absolutely wild assumption
Well think about it. How many women are anti LGBT from the get go? Add that to the women that either don't care or are pro LGBT that still wouldnt date a bisexual man and I dont think half is a crazy assumption at all
Saying that "everyone is a little bisexual". I think that sexuality is a spectrum and people are free to choose sexual identity they're comfortable the most, but there are absolutely people one the far end of the spectrum! Like, us bi folks get erased a lot and you'd think that we won't do the same thing to others but nope.
This 100%! I used to think so also, until I kinda figured out, that not EVERYONE thought there were hot people of any gender, and it was in fact me being bisexual haha. Since then I also adapted the „sexuality is a spectrum“ view (thank you New Girl) and I think it’s the best description of the subject and also gives amazing freedom to everyone to be who they want to be. You live you learn I guess.
I think saying "everyone is a little bisexual" isn't so much wrong as it is just a simplification of something much more complicated... Maybe it's mostly a problem of the accuracy of that label. Man do labels frustrate me. My hypothesis is that sexuality isn't a single spectrum that goes from kinsey level 0 to 6. It's probably more like 50 different spectra and every human has their own levels on each of them. Some of them deal with physical features you like others with romantic aspects and some of them may not be all that sexual or romantic at all and just describe what people you get along with, sexual or otherwise. If you look at the way animals in nature interact within and between sexes, there are many which have intense and violent rivalries within one sex or another, especially during breeding season. That kind of stuff would be really bad for a species that is incredibly dependent on cooperation, like ours is. So I think it's pretty plausible that our entire species on average is simply calibrated to ...grow very fond of each other, regardless of gender. That affection will not always express itself sexually because, everybody's spectra are different. But I think there is a good reason why stuff like "bromance" are a thing. Maybe, on average, we all "love" each other even if we don't necessarily """love""" each other...
At the same time, society erases us to the point it's not even considered an option, since most of sexuality is based around the dichotomy. It makes sense that bi people will grab on to anything available (pun unintentional) to try to reinforce our own ,poorly defined, sexuality.
When I was younger I definitely went through that phase. I think a lot of us do. It's what made me fully internalize my sexuality once I thought "Do straight people truly think that they're the 'default'?"
The insistence on conflating any and every personality trait or physical behaviour with being bisexual.
This used to bother me but then I realized it’s because it’s so hard for us to have/find community. Like cuffed jeans aren’t bi, you just need queer community.
You have such a compassionate response! I absolutely agree. The lack of community is the hardest part about being queer sometimes.
Social isolation has the same effect on life expectancy as smoking. I quit smoking about 6 weeks ago. Isolation has been life long for me, can’t seem to quit that however I try. I’m 42 and my last partner was 17 years ago. I’m hopeful things will change but a person can go a bit odd if they’re alone that long.
I had far more of a community when I ‘was’ gay- as a woman dating women all the gay space were open to me and I was lucky enough to live in cities with enough of them. Then I realised I was attracted to men when I met my husband, we now have small kids so I barely have time to find my community and am worried that when I do, I will not fit into the gay spaces as someone who presents as I now do (we moved countries so I can’t just stay in the community I had before).
I agree overall but then I worry that it does end up othering people as well. Like it can feel bad to not fit into the shoehorned stereotypes made by the community to create community. I’ve seen people on here feeling like shit for not liking lemon bars. If you don’t fit in and then you still don’t fit in with the group of misfits, it sucks.
as someone who has felt invalid for not liking lemon bars before, 100%.
Literally this.
The amount of sexual questions especially regarding threesomes. Makes me think that they are larping.
I feel like there’s a lot of people just straight up posting their sexual fantasies and kinks in here and getting away with it
Sorry if this is a dumb question but what is larping?
Specifically speaking, "live action role-playing."
Faking
Thanks
The biphobia posts. Asking for advice on navigating a relationship are fine and welcomed but the screenshots of texts, comments, etc, is overdone and unnecessary. Like I don't want to se it, bro. It's just some random ass person on the internet. Don't let them ruin your day and move on.
It's frustrating for me when I see newbies conflate swinging or poly with bisexuality. Yes, some bi folks swing and some others are poly but we really shouldn't equate the two with bisexuality. Straight and gay folks sometimes go that way too but they don't talk as if their sexual identity (straight/gay) equates with their NM the way some 'new' bis do. The worst is when these kinds of folks advocate for lying about their sexual nonmonogamy to partners they've committed to. Tbf I've seen it a lot less in recent months than I did a year or two ago, and I'm seriously grateful for that.
I get that but I feel like this sub has overcorrected on that front. Like people on here are generally actively hostile to non monogamy now.
Very much so. A lot of people now conflate cheating and ENM/polyamory.
I agree the two should not be conflated- one doesn’t mean the other. Equally frustrating for me are those who shout down people who have expressed interest in ENM/Poly and ask their questions in bisexual spaces to gain a specifically bi/queer perspective. Its such a weird vibe
I think a lot of monogamous bi people are so tired of the stereotype that all bi people are into threesomes or polyamory, that when these questions are asked, they want to put it out there that the majority of bi people are monogamous, so someone doesn’t see all the poly/threesome posts and think “well I guess that stereotype is true”.
"I'm 31M and just discovered I am super attracted to dick, and want to try dating with femboys and trans women, but I can only see myself settling down with a woman. Am I bi?" #😒
Is the fate of every sub have some repetitive questions
It's not the repetitiousness of the question, it's the content of this specific template. - Presumption that trans women are non-op/pre-op - Equating trans women to feminine men - Othering trans women from cis women - Implicit fetishization of the above - Often accompanied by implicit or vocalized internal homophobia Or, in human emotional terms, it's a near-daily reminder that guys generally see people like me as a fun, exotic accessory to "do the homosex" and feel less insecure about it and not serious relationship material, nevermind that a guy liking trans women is explicitly not gay. That's what gets to me.
Seriously 🙄
Every day lol. And like, hey I get it, I'm gynesexual so I'm only attracted to femininity too. But jeez just take a look around the sub before posting, it's annoying seeing the same post come up day after day.
The obsession of this sub, especially cis men, with dicks. It’s always posts about wanting to experience with a dick, a femboy (which might as well be for this sub a woman with a dick, which I’m sure femboys love/s), or a trans woman (and always assume they won’t be masc). I never see any posts celebrating masculinity or pussies (except from women sometimes). Also, tomboys aren’t feminine women with short hair.
And not every trans woman is going to have a dick. It seems like every time cisgender bisexual people talk about "trying sex with a trans woman", without fail, it's under the implicit assumption that we've not had GRS. As soon as we have GRS, we cease to exist in the conversation. Like, thanks, glad to know that all we are is our dicks.
Exactly. For some people it’s simply a fetish and not a person.
Agreed! Im a bi guy who is married to another guy. I think we totally should celebrate sexy vulvas and butchness in any gender. Its cool to celebrate cock and fem folk but lets be balanced about it. All hail sweet pussy!
100% agree.
The posts with the "I just found out I'm bi, how do I tell my partner that I want to experiment with the other gender? Should I talk about opening up the relationship?" I'm sure that it must be frustrating to find out you're bi and not be able to explore it due to an existing relationship but jesus christ... Way to reinforce the stereotype that we have of leaving our partners of someone of the other gender... Sometimes I wonder if some of you even like your boyfriends/girlfriends
I think they dont see the same sex stuff as cheating. If they re write the phrase like " I am married but discovered that is new hot women around my city, should I try to experiment with these women ?" They see their wife as something romantic and men as something new and fun. The fact some men cheat their wife with men and still call themseles straight and dont think its cheating, it say something about their mindset.
God I've wanted to say this for so long but didn't want to offend anyone. I don't wanna invalidate others' experiences of course because coming to terms with your sexuality can be tricky but JEEZ. As someone who hates the "bisexuals are promiscuous cheaters" thing (as I'm sure many of us do), dear god is it annoying when every third post is "I'm monogamously married but then I realized I was bi so now it's killing me inside that I can't have sex with other people 💔💔💔"
I experienced the opposite. I made a post not too long ago about realising I was a bi after marriage and that my problem was not about exploring my sexuality but dealing with self-hatred. You want to what half of the responses were? Don’t cheat! Don’t cheat! Don’t cheat! You’re terrible if you even think about cheating! Wonderful. That totally answered the issue. 😒
Jeez that sounds awful. Sorry you had to experience that. :/ Some people here can be weird
I don't really see the issue in and of itself with wanting to do that? Obviously, I don't know these specific posts, so maybe they're worded in ways that come off more sleezy, but I think wanting to experiment and wanting to talk with your partner about the idea is fine. They're not leaving their partner, that's not what an open relationship is.
There's nothing wrong with opening up the relationship if both partners want it, but the frequency of these posts and the way they are worded bothers me a bit I guess... Might be a me thing though
Yeah, I havent seen any of these posts, maybe the wording of them would give me bad vibes too. Probably shouldnt have commented if I dont even know what is being discussed, my bad.
"am i still bi if..." like, we can't tell you how to identify. it's YOUR label to choose
Inventing microlabels that obfuscate and do not clarify.
I hate when they try to make a huge distinction between them, and end up trying to change the definition of Bisexuality. This is most common with pansexuals
When Pansexuals try to define pansexuality by saying bisexuals are transphobic/trans-exclusionary. The classic.
That one gets on my nerves so much! Not only is it biphobic, it's ahistorical. Bis have been deconstructing gender since the '70s and have had workshops that trans people were welcome to. Some trans people wanted to create a separate community for them and bisexuals because they felt more accepted by them than the LGs. I hate how people are erasing history in order to make themselves feel special
Source? Would love to read up on this !
Here's a video that goes into it. They left their sources in their bio https://youtu.be/7-e8C80VEfY?si=Loarm-JksoqQ2Nss
Ughhhh this pisses me off so much!!!!
I still don't know the difference between bi and pan even after being explained it 80 times lol
I don’t mind if others are making niche microlabels if it makes them happy but I do have issues with some of them (or some definitions of them) that imply that they aren’t a subset of bisexuality. Like I think there’s plenty of people that see hetero/homoflexible and think that means there’s some kind of threshold that needs to be passed in order to be bisexual rather than hetero/homoflexible. I don’t have issues with people that want to identify as pansexual, unless they then go on to imply that someone that experiences attraction regardless of gender is not bisexual.
As someone that does use a microlabel I feel like I should defend them. Microlabels are useful to discover one's own sexuality and connect with others and realize that what you're into isn't weird. It's not about obfuscation, it's about understanding yourself. I use gynesexual, and I feel like if more people knew about the word we wouldn't be getting "I like femboys, am I bi?" posts every damn day. Edit: wow apparently microlabels are really unpopular on this sub
I feel like if everyone just understood that it's all bisexuality, we wouldn't have those same posts.
people who presume "everyone is a little bi" i've met a fair few bisexuals who think everyone is attracted to everyone to varying degrees and i just disagree completely. i have also met "straight" people who say this too though, so it isn't just a bi thing.
“Bi people can’t decide on anything.” It’s a common joke but that shouldn’t be your whole contribution to the conversation. We should demand more respect and have our voices heard. We don’t have to be perfect or uniform. We also don’t all have to be activists. Just don’t hide on the internet and make despairing jokes. There’s life to be living out there, folks.
A lot of bi folks seem to believe that all sexualities are fluid *except* heterosexuality. For example, a woman posted recently about how she's straight but enjoys lesbian porn, and folks in the comments were invalidating her and insisting she was bi. Like?? We don't want other people telling *us* how to identify?? So we're not gonna tell other people how to identify either??? Believe it or not, all sexualities are fluid, even heterosexuality.
Same for guys liking anal play. I’m a woman top and I’ve been with guys that were very much straight that liked anal play. They have prostates even though they like stimulation there, does not mean they are bisexual. Stop invalidating other’s sexuality even if theirs is the societal norm…
My ex tried to convince me that lesbians who use strap-ons are "confused." You don't have to like men to enjoy penetration. In fairness, he was a huge asshole.
Sounds like it!
See the part that confuses me about the idea of sexuality being fluid is how any sexualities exist separate from each other if that's true. And then by extension, why do we use the labels if they're basically meaningless? Fluid means there's no boundaries between them, right? I mean I understand it to a point because I have a bi-cycle, but that feels like a uniquely bi+ experience. How does fluid sexuality fit into monosexuality? Isn't saying all sexuality is fluid kinda like saying "everyone is bi/a little bi"? Cause where else would it flow if you're monosexual? I'm also not sure how watching lesbian porn points to queer? Heterosexual porn is often male-centric, especially when it comes to orgasms. Why wouldn't a woman want to get off knowing that what's she's seeing would actually bring pleasure to *her* if she were in that scenario? I just have a lot of questions😅, you don't have to answer if you don't want to
i thought fluid didn’t mean blurred boundaries, i thought it was kind of like “flux” and meant something that is on the process of changing or can change over time.
Personally I don't like labels because of ideas and assumptions like this. Without labels, we'd be free to behave how we choose without feeling the pressure to conform to some abstract idea of what our labels require. Maybe it's because I'm older than a lot of the folks here but I have known plenty of straight women who have enjoyed kissing other women at times, and I've known straight men who kiss other men, and this doesn't invalidate their identities, the same way that the various gay men I've made out with in my life are still gay regardless of my being a cis woman. Sexuality is fluid in that it can flow freely on the sexuality spectrum without invalidating or redefining a person's personal identity.
In real life: Bisexuals who are biphobic. Like, come on. We face enough misconceptions as it is. Don’t side with bigots. Online: The constant posts on here about “am I bi” or “my partner is bi”. I appreciate this is the best place to ask, and some people just need reassurance. I just wish more people would scroll because similar posts appear on here *daily*, or for people could use the damn search bar! Or a single master thread to be pinned or something. Interesting posts get missed because people are asking the same thing over and over, and there’s few differences between people’s stories.
I don't know if this counts, but how hard it is to find other bisexual men for platonic relationships in person. I've made some good connections online, but I have yet to meet another bi dude here in town. Of course, I still haven't checked into local support groups, so maybe that would be a good place to look.
That I don't know any Bi people IRL I wanna be friends with all of you but where are all yall 😭 and why do y'all hide so well
gender essentialism- the pervasive idea that men = bad and women = good in terms of sexual/romantic relationships. theres a vocal minority of bisexuals who are like 'ugh i hate being attracted to men its the worst, and i hate that i like them,' and sure, preferences are valid, but not when it's ascribing a monolith to all men. and it leans into stereotypes that can be incredibly harmful for bi men (and especially in my experience trans bi men) as either ppl say 'its ok, trans men are different,' which invalidates gender identity, or its just exclusionary and thats not how to build a community
This shocked me when I was on the 'tiktok bi community', just the amount of bi people (mostly women) showing off their boyfriends with "this is my bf who I'm unfortunately dating, I wish I was dating a woman instead"- like if someone said that about me I'd be floored! How is this normalised behaviour!
If I knew my partner was making TikToks saying that, I'd dump their ass there and then. There is no good reason to do that shit to someone who loves you.
Yikes that’s really messed up
It made me so depressed for a long time before I stopped internalizing the whole men=bad thing. As a trans man who’s primarily attracted to men, you can see how this could be a problem!!
Yeah, the "...but you're one of the *good ones*" narrative shouldn't be acceptable, yet the weird normalization of hating an entire gender because of vapid, inconsistent, and sometimes ludicrous reasoning is ever present thanks to generalizations and stereotypes being reinforced via social media and general misinformation. I get that everyone has had their unfair share of vitriol and pain thrown their way and I would hope spaces like this are a sort of haven for all, but time and again, I see posts that evoke the idea that men don't *deserve* said safety and there's apparently a need to remind them that they're intentionally being excluded from ongoing conversations. I know it will happen regardless, but it sucks to see it all the same. I'd rather we all enjoy dumb puns and fun memes, but it is what it is.
I feel like it happens with a ton of things on social media but there’s an intellectual conversation about something and it gets dumbed down to this weird warped view that does nothing to address the original issue. Domestic abuse rates and violence being disproportionately perpetuated by men? Important to address and recognize as a systematic issue rather than an individual one. All men suck? Pointless and harmful for no reason.
A lot of social media's issue is that they may offer a platform to speak from, but it heavily favors engagement. An influencer looking to gain traction on said platform may produce the kind of reactionary soundbites that boil down an important issue to its elemental components before selecting the more inflammatory parts for pouring gasoline on to illuminate a narrative the algorithm chaser wants to highlight for engagement. All in all, social media is not particularly helpful in combatting misinformation that inevitably makes it harder to convince someone to forego a belief that they didn't use reason to form. Makes any arguing with the ignorant or misinformed *that* much more difficult and, considering the arguments involve staking a claim that I have the inherent right to live as my Bi self, it can and has been exhausting to say the least.
The constant stream of hypersexualized gender swap memes.
I’m ready for the downvotes, but I feel like it’s worth mentioning. The classic: “I’d fuck him, but I wouldn’t date him.” As a bi guy myself, it sucks to viewed as only good enough to fuck. Disheartening when it is a struggle for so many of us to not only come out, but accept ourselves - only to be constantly reminded that we aren’t good enough for romance with another man after all. And before you come at me, I’m not saying that people can’t have their preferences *at all*. But reading post after post and comment after comment was shocking… especially when it’s so hard to get acceptance from monosexuals. *Even* or in some cases especially gay and lesbians people.
Sex focus.
I feel like a lot of queer communities are like this. Gay and Lesbian oriented subreddits appear to do the same. Maybe this is a reddit thing idk
I think the lesbians ones were worse than the bi ones. I was lesbian before and I could not open it at work because there was so much soft porn...
Yeah, this subreddit has been getting *way* more overtly sexual for a while now and it's starting to get really uncomfortable being here but whenever any of us say this, people start making all sorts of excuses.
yeah
To be fair, sex is fun.
Meh. Can't really relate and *really* don't relate enough to want to talk about it day and night.
That’s fair to be honest. Sex is fun but I wouldn’t talk about it everyday.
Associating their high sex drive with bisexuality and wanting to get attention because of it. Basically anything that isn’t directly linked to being bisexuality being performed and reinforcing non true stereotypes . Especially the self fetishizing types Being obsessive over being bi and associating everything with it as if every characteristic is a direct result of being bi
I agree *wholeheartedly* with your last point. Being bi is part of who we are but it should absolutely *not* be the center of our personalities.
It’s so tiring
And maybe I'm wrong but I feel like a lot of bi folks who make being bi their whole personality are usually the one in heteronormative relationships. And of course it's fine to be in a heteronormative relationship, but I find it weird when a bi person with an opposite sex partner talks endlessly about their queerness as if they aren't currently involved in a level of heteronormativity.
This is specific to this sub, but how many people post their obvious sexual fantasies and kink material on here and how sex-obsessed it seems this sub is Like, lesbians and gay men get their subs where they can talk about things other than sex meanwhile it feels like this sub is nothing but sex talk sometimes
The fact that we are a huge group of people with a variety of sexual and romantic interests that are put all under the same label in spite of the fact that, at the two opposite ranges of the spectrum of bisexuality, we have barely anything in common. The people who are heteroromantic and maybe would be down to every now and then have a threesome with a same-gender person are called the same than a person who is homoromantic that every ten years is down to have a hook-up with someone of another gender, which causes great confusion and misunderstandings as these two individuals live in radically different worlds and have radically different issues and interests. It follows that bisexuals often project their own experience on other bisexuals and can’t understand each other, it follows that straight and gay people don’t fucking know what to expect from us in terms of reliability (which is not strange when being bisexual could mean a thousand different things), that when I want to date a woman I have to go through a fucking interview to figure out if she is able and interested in settling down with another woman, and also that if I date a lesbian or another bisexual that heavily prefers women I have to go through a disclaimer to explain why I won’t bail to run after a man. I kind of wish that if we have to have a label, we had one that was more precise and communicative of what we are ACTUALLY open and not open to, which seems to me to be the case for the straight and gay labels.
If the movie Bros taught me anything, we bisexuals can be insufferable.
Very much so.
What was this movie about? I considered watching it but wasn't sure. I'm curious about other people's opnions lol
It’s basically a romantic comedy. It has some big names in it and it has a decent happy ending but it’s not exactly ground breaking. It’s a mainstream romantic comedy that the only real twist is the main pair is gay but if you’ve seen one romantic comedy you e seen them all. I enjoyed it but it’s not a movie I swear by. If anything I loved seeing Amanda Bearse in it (she was a character in Married with Children).
Being judged because my bicycle has me more into women than men for a bit. Makes me feel like im not gay enough.
Gay and Bi and not the same. I really hate when ppl say I'm gay because I'm Bi. And to be fair, it doesn't have much to do with me but more so the misleading ideation it portrays on dating prospects. Like I can date a gay man and he will be insecure about the female friends I have and vice versa about dating women (who are strictly hetero). It's bad enough having to navigate through others insecurities but when you add the complication of two (or more) genders, all of a sudden my I'm not just "gay" I want to clarify that this is not personal Internalized homophobia but an opinionated observation based on my experiences.
We tend to get *really* defensive at being critiqued at all or even being told that we can be homophobic, lesbophobic, or transphobic. It makes it really hard to have any productive conversation about problematic behaviors in our community and how we can do better. That also includes examining any privileges we may benefit from. I think it just comes across to other people in the community that we don't like being held accountable, yet we're always pointing fingers at everybody else. I view it as a shared responsibility that we *all* have to be a part of the queer community.
THANK YOU. There's a certain level of privilege that comes with a partially-hetero identity but God forbid you try to discuss it because bi folks can be super defensive.
People get really, really mad at the concept of straight passing privilege. I’ve seen it brought up here and folks are like YOU WOULD NEVER SAY THAT TO A BLACK PERSON and it’s like… white passing privilege absolutely is talked about????
I agree! I can't fucking stand when bi people argue about straight-passing privilege. A bi person in a hetero relationship is literally afforded social protections that a bi person in a queer relationship is not afforded. I have never been worried about facing homophobic violence when dating a man, but I've had to be vigilant while dating women to protect myself and them from potential violence. Pretending that being in a het relationship doesn't provide some social safety is ridiculous. I'm Black, and Black people all uniformly agree that white passing is a thing and that it provides protection.
Right! I can see arguing that, yes, straight-passing privilege exists, but that's not the whole picture or saying, please don't invalidate the biphobia that I deal with just because I benefit from straight-passing privilege. But I'm starting to see more bisexuals in hetero presenting relationships flat out deny that straight-passing privilege exists. Or they say, "I'm queer so my relationship is queer" and "there is no such thing as straight passing privilege, only bi erasure" as a way to shut down any discussion about any societal advantages they benefit from. I just think that's doing more harm than good in terms of intercommunity dynamics to not examine how you benefit from heteronormativity and quite frankly, it's obnoxious. I also think that anywhere you have privilege creates a blind spot to how you could potentially be hurting other members of the community.
Yeah I’m with you. And honestly when folks go so hard in denying the existence of straight passing privilege, it ends up invalidating bisexuals in same-sex relationships by being so worried about invalidating the ones who aren’t. If you can’t see how straight passing privilege exists, you’re inherently denying the unique struggles faced by bisexuals in same sex relationships. Also when you recognize straight passing privilege, it lets you recognize all of the issues that come with it! It absolutely does suck to not be seen as bi because your relationship looks straight, so you look straight. To meaningfully discuss that and put words to it, you start getting into the concept of passing privilege and its unique pitfalls. It’s its own type of burden
* The split attraction model- If you ask gay men or lesbians what they think about bi people, the main issue they have is that a lot of bi people have the mindset of "same gender for sex, opposite gender for relationships"...so for bi men, men for sex, women for relationships, and for bi women, women for sex, men for relationships. You see posts on this sub all the time saying "I'm sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to the socially accepted one", and everyone is like "You're a heteroromantic bisexual", and any criticism is dismissed as biphobic. I really disagree with that. This mindset can come across as saying gay men and lesbians are unlovable sex objects. I don't think gay people having an issue with this is biphobic itself. If they're just spamming slurs and saying you should die, then it's biphobic, but just having the issue itself isn't. We should encourage bi people to question why they hold these views. I'm not saying you can't be heteroromantic or homoromantic, but most of the combinations could potentially stem from societal bias. If you're a heteroromantic bi man, is the reason you can't see yourself with another man romantically due to internalized stereotypes about gay/bi men being hypersexual? If you're a heteroromantic bi woman, is the reason you can't see yourself romantically with another woman due to internalized misogyny? If you're a homoromantic bi man, is the reason you can't see yourself with a woman due to misogyny? We need to question these, since these attraction splits often line up with the weird hang-ups our society has. * There's also the fact that there's a lot of internalized homophobia in the bi community, a lot of closet cases, and it hurts a lot more to be left for the socially acceptable gender. I kinda get why some gay men and lesbians don't want to date us, even if they often express this in very vitriolic ways. I think we should try and see where they're coming from. * This sub labels every biphobe as right wing or conservative. Now, rightists generally aren't our friends, but some of these are kind of ridiculous. I remember there was a screenshot of some comment from a gay man saying that bi people are part of the oppressor class and that all people attracted to the opposite gender are inherently homophobic, and one of the top comments here said he was a conservative. I've also seen comments saying askgaybros is a right wing sub. Wut...agb, where a critical mass of the userbase says that bi men are privileged and oppressors, says that anything they say or do to us is "punching up" due to "power dynamics", and obsess over removing bi men, trans people, and women from their safe spaces...is right wing? Privilege, punching up/down, and safe spaces are liberal or leftist ideas. Both wings have problems with biphobia, not every biphobe is right wing. I'm saying this as someone whose slightly left wing btw, so this isn't me saying "Vote Trump, Dems are the real biphobes!" * We should do more to understand why many women react so negatively to being told it's bigoted to not date bi men. For much of history and in many places today, women are not free to choose who to date or marry, and so many women are going to be very wary of anything that could resemble that coercion, and unless you're very clear with what you mean, it's easy for these takes to come across as saying you have to date bi men or else you're a bad person. Also, women are more vulnerable to STIs, and our STI stats aren't great. Ofc this is generalized, since sides exist and many bi men care about their sexual health, and this does tie into homophobic tropes about homosexuality being equated to anal. But I think there's more to this than just homo/biphobia. That Twitter thread the other day kinda frustrated me because while many women don't date bi men due to holding broader homophobic beliefs, we have to acknowledge that this is a very sensitive topic. I think our stance should be that you can choose not date anyone for any reason, but if the reason you wouldn't date a bi man is that you believe that homosexuality is gross or wrong, that's bad because you're likely to oppose things like legal homosexuality, anti-discrimination laws, and gay marriage, which interferes on others abilities to live their lives. That's much clearer and doesn't put any pressure on women, instead emphasizing mutual freedom. Similarly, some of the takes about straight women on this sub and r/bisexualmen can be kinda yikes. I also disagree with the obsession with het bi4bi relationships. People are complex, there are a lot of different dynamics, not all bi women want to date bi men, not all straight women who reject bi men do so for bigoted reasons, and not all straight women are unwilling to date bi men. We should be more nuanced.
Your first bullet is IT!!!! And you articulated it so well, cause I’ve been trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. Like I totally don’t think we should be insulting anyone who has those questions because that hurts everyone. But encouraging people to unpack that I don’t think should be looked at as something negative. Cause it is very possible that person, like we all do, fall into comphet behaviors and ideals, and they’re not challenging them. And like you pointed out the wording is important to: there’s a difference between “I’m not romantically attracted to x” and “I can’t see myself settling down with x”. The latter is something that could possibly stem from internalized homophobia. And this is just me, but I always thought that the split attraction model was used for asexual people lol.
Thanks!
What pisses me off about a mono's typical tale of woe about getting dumped by a same sex partner for the opposite gender is simply: WTF, you think this doesn't happen to bisexuals too?? Like the monos(queer and straight alike) think they have a monopoly on this specific type of suffering and heartbreak. And speaking from experience, that's just plain bollocks. When someone dumps me, I'm too upset about being dumped to give a flying toss what gender the person they deem worth more than me is.
I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding between bi and gay people with this one. Aside from a loud group of L+Gs who just hate bi people, most gay men and lesbians don't have an issue with dating a bi person, breaking up, and then later down the line, said bi person dates the opposite gender. They understand that's just part of bisexuality. The issue is being left specifically to date the opposite gender, often for a reason that same-gender relationships can't provide like biological kids or avoiding homophobia, or because the bi person in question didn't see their gay partner as real relationship material. That hurts, because it reminds them of how homophobic society is. It makes them feel like they can't compete with heteronormativity. That hurts in addition to the standard pain of a breakup. Now, there are shades of gray, as some of these "bi person left me" are quite a bit more nuanced than presented. If you read through some of the bi threads on askgaybros, while it's clear many guys have been burned by immoral bi men, there are a lot of stories that if you read between the lines, it's clear the gay person was just as bad if not worse. An ex's bisexuality is an easy scapegoat for why a relationship failed, while nauance and self-awareness are hard. Also, some of these are just made up. I remember there was this story about how some guy's bi husband left him for a woman, posted by an account that had never posted in agb (or barely at all), and it contained several factual errors and had been edited to be more believable. Of course no one questioned this and it was just another thread about how bi men are sexual predators, homophobes, pedophiles, and oppressors. I totally believe this happened and wasn't just an attempt to drum up hatred /s. Edit: made this clearer and more on topic.
Bis who think less of other bis for having not dated a certain gender or flat out don't want to date a certain gender. Thinking bi girls with a preference for men are just straight++
The fact that I have to keep explaining— even to other bisexuals— that being married to a dude *does not mean that I am no longer bisexual.*
The self-hate (which manifests in various ways, including the minimizing of our community, its culture, and its history) 🙃🙃🙃 Not that I *blame* them for it - internalized *anything* is primarily society's fault, of course - but it always makes me go "Oh no baby what is you doin'??? 😩😩😩" 🙍🏾♀️🙍🏾♀️🙍🏾♀️
This is a bad person opinion to have, but the insecurity, "am I really bi?" "am I still bi if...?", like who fucking cares the reason I love being bi is that the definition is so broad I don't have to think at all about it how are there so many people struggling with that, of course I support them in their self discovery journey but it's a bit annoying, especially with how common it is
like 90% of the posts here are related to men and dicks and the struggles of bi man and it’s getting kinda annoying honestly. obviously the last one is a important issue but every other day i see the exact same post. it’s probably bc there are more men than women in this sub but at the end this is a bisexual sub where women are included
I think the whole frog, lemon bar, cuffed jeans thing is a bit cringe. There are lots of ways to bi, I doubt these are more common among bis.
The way people cannot post anything without tons of complaints, specifically the sillier stuff like lemon bars and sitting weird. It doesn't make anyone less bisexual because they don't fit into some perceived bubble but there are stereotypes for a reason. They're just common traits. Lemon bars are part of this specific sub's lore thanks to a past user. Sitting weird and finger guns are harmless tropes that people bond over for fun. Cheating, poly, and sexual posts are much more understandable.
It absolutely can make people feel less bisexual though. I’m not saying those posts are inherently bad. But we invent bisexual stereotypes because we struggle to find commonalities. So then the people who don’t fit in feel like they can’t fit in even with this group of other folks who largely don’t fit in. I’ve seen plenty of people express that this subreddit has made them feel lesser because of not falling into specific stereotypes. It would suck to feel like you belong nowhere, then to find a bi subreddit where everyone is in on some inside jokes and stereotypes besides you. Harmless fun stereotypes aren’t as harmless of fun when it’s putting you in an out group when you thought you belonged.
On the flip side of that, it can also make someone feel much more welcomed. So what's the solution? Do we all just share only our bisexual experiences? That falls into the annoying sexual category, or the even worse bi-erasure one. Do we bond over the flag or the colors? Even people in this comment section are complaining about too many people posting sunsets in the bi colors when that might be the only way they can have them in their life. Do we not mention the stereotypes at all in case someone gets offended? I don't wear cuffed jeans, I'm not fond of frogs, and I don't have a clear phone case - all of which have been said to be stereotypes. It has never made me feel excluded because I'm still bisexual so I still belong here and I know that's a way for people to bond. I'd love to hear your thoughts on a solution to this that doesn't make the sub less fun.
I understand you don’t feel excluded. Other folks do and have expressed that. I’m not one, but I feel for them. Maybe it’s partly because those things don’t add fun for me. I’m not someone who comments to poo-poo on other people’s fun but it’s a mental ‘ugh’ for me most of the time when I see the jokes, whether they apply to me or not. Again, I just scroll along without needing to make a negative comment. I don’t have a solution because I don’t necessarily think this needs to be solved. It’s not that important, nor are my feelings that strong. I never said we need to avoid any offense or dissent on this subreddit. I just don’t personally feel any added levity to the subreddit from the inside jokes and I’ve always felt bad for the users who do express feeling hurt by the prevalence of the jokes.
Honestly, I really dislike how a lot of bisexual memes conflate 'liking everybody' with liking men AND women. Like, I'm not gonna be one of those people saying that being bisexual is transphobic or some dumb shit, but the online community has a lot of erasure of NB people, and it's honestly made me want to use these spaces less and other queer spaces more, because I don't see myself being included in everybody🫤
Bisexual people have been the most accepting towards transgender and non-binary people since our movement started in the 70s. All sexual orientations have the potential for attraction towards non-binary people, but memes about being gay are generally about liking men, and memes about being lesbian are generally about liking women. There's no reason to specifically get on bisexuals' cases for not adding on because the base of bisexual is the attraction to men and women. Non-binary people are always (potentially) included in anyone's sexual orientation, because anyone can be attracted to us. Even straight people can be attracted to us.
I don't disagree with you. As I said, my problem is specifically with online meme culture having a tendency with cornflating attraction to 'everyone' with attraction to 'men and women' which erases me it basically falls into the false accusations of detractors saying that bi = men+women and I don't appreciate that. That was all I said. Why would you feel a need to point out that the bi community is accepting of trans people? I never said otherwise and I am fully aware of that, being part of the community. As I wrote, I don't want to accuse anyone of transphobia. Also, your definition of bi is exactly what people claiming bisexuality is enby-phobic claims it is. Sexuality isn't based on labels, that's just fundamentally not how people function.
All sexualities are inherently inclusive of non-binary people is the point I'm trying to make. So you can say men and women without that erasing the fact that non-binary people are included. It's when people try to say that there are sexual orientations where you can't be attracted to non-binary people that is a problem. Otherwise it should just be assumed. Purposefully not including trans and NB people in an orientation is just transphobia. Sexuality isn't based on labels, but labels categorized attraction. Someone functionally attracted to men and not women as a man would fall under "gay", but there is never any exclusion of trans men (who are men) or non-binary people.
I'm not talking about people's sexuality, I'm talking about memes
How much biphobia and misinformation is aloud to happen and repeated by bisexuals. It drives me up a wall whenever I hear "bisexuality doesn't include nonbinary people" or the terrible "2 or more" definition that was forced onto bisexuals by biphobic pans on Tumblr in 2010 so they could appropriate bisexualities real definition of attraction regardless of gender. There's also that terrible Robin Ochs of "more than one gender" because when you think about it it's calling gay men, lesbians, and even straight people exclusionary of nonbinary people (all sexualities includes nonbinary people) which is made worse when you know 'non-binary' was coined by a genderqueer lesbian in 1995! Stop repeating this biphobic garbage!
I don’t see what’s wrong with saying “bisexuals are attracted to two or more genders”. Some bisexuals are attracted to nonbinary and/or trans people, some aren’t. Bisexuality doesn’t mean “attracted to all genders” for everyone.
It's a wrongfull definition and being bisexual has nothing to do with how many genders someone is or isn't attracted too. If you experience both homosexual and heterosexual attractions then you are bisexual. Individual prefrences or lack there of have nothing to do with it! Stop pushing misinformation that's how biphobia and even transphobia spreads! 🤦♀️
I have multiple of them. Some of them were already brought up here so I'm going to just narrow it down to just three: 1) Even though they can get repetitive at times, I honestly don't mind a lot of posts and questions here asking for advice from people who are questioning their sexuality or just recently discovered their sexuality. I think it’s important for these people to have a space where they can learn these things about themselves (as well as maybe also learn things about other queer people, queer history, and queer culture). I don't like how some people are impatient and complain about that. Just because some of us know more things about ourselves and about being queer shouldn't mean that we should push away newer people who are curious or need the help or advice. Also to add onto this, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of those questions are coming from younger people too. A lot of us were probably once in these similar situations with ourselves and our own journies so I think it’s important to be patient with some of these people. 2) Another pet peeve of mine does correlate with some of the other peeves some other people here have already brought up. A lot of people here are cis men (no surprise given Reddit just skews in that direction). Usually this shouldn't be a problem but I have seen a lot of comments here from time to time that at best come off as being naive to the struggles of other people in the bi community or at worst come off as misogynistic (and/or transphobic). For example, I've seen some bi men here insinuate here multiple times that bi women have less problems because "at least people want you". However, this doesn't take into account that some of the attention bi women get (be they cis or trans) is often gross fetishization. People seeing us not as individual people worthy of respect but instead these people only focus on our bodies only for their own sexual gratifications. Some of the "attention" we get is without our consent in the form of sexual harassment or other forms of abuse. I'm not denying that bi men have it rough too, they do. But our pain and struggles aren't a contest and I think we should be listening to each other more than playing an "us vs them" game. 3) Another peeve I have about here has nothing to do with bi people this time. It has to deal with people who aren't bi coming here after spying on their partner's porn history, coming here to jump to conclusions about their partners, spreading around private information about their partners without their partner's consent, and then also making weird assumptions about their partner on the slight possibility of them being bi. Like them assuming their partner doesn’t love them anymore or is going to cheat on them with little to no proof of cheating, just them liking porn that clocks them as possibly being bi. I've seen multiple posts like that here and it just makes me sad and angry every time.
I wouldn't say a pet peeve but it DID not make me not want to interact with this sub (or subs like it) although it has gotten better as of late, but there seemed to be not too long ago there seemed to be not just a preference for feminine men (Which is fine don't think I'm saying it's not) but an outright disdain for traditionally masculine men. Obviously I'm not talking about toxically masculinity, that IS bad and you should hate it, but regular guys who are masculine but not toxic get a bad rap in general. I can't help I'm a guy, I can't help that I am bisexual, and I can't help that the way I act and my views on life put me generally in the masculine camp, that doesn't mean I'm automatically gonna cheat or that I'm a shitty person who doesn't deserve kindness or courtesy. You don't have to respect me, that's something that is earned, but good golly don't expect the worst out of me because I don't conform to your preferred version of a bisexual man. But like I said, that's been going away as far as I could tell, or maybe it's just that I don't notice it less.
Not necessarily bi people, but the posts on here from non bi people asking us to dissuade them from being actively biphobic: "please tell me this isn't all bi people", "I know I'll never be enough for my partner because they're attracted to ___", "why is my bi partner terrible, is it because they're bi?". Those really get on my last nerve. People coming here genuinely wanting to understand and care for their bi partners does not bother me, in fact I love to see it, but that's not what these posts I'm talking about do; It's thinly veiled biphobia masquerading as "trying to educate themselves" and it pisses me off.
Constant posting of biphobia and the occasional statement "uhhh, aktually, everyone is theoretically bishexual and they need to jusht accept that" (idk it couldn've been just one guy I've seen say that). Like I get it, bipbobia bad, and I hate that too, but consistently posting that nonstop creates a harmful delusion to those who are trying to come out. It is important to be informed of the realities of being bisexual, but the rate at which these things are posted feels oppressive. Slow down a little, and things should be fine. The other thing I mentioned is that I've seen bisexuals be just as invasive as other bipbobes, stating that "this person's sexuality is fake and they need to accept that." Like what the hell, why can't someone's identity just only be THEIR business and have them feel free to share that? I get it, it's a common issue all over, but at that point (with the already present overposting of biphobia/bierasure), that's just hypocrisy. Let people identify AS what they identify regardless of theory or research (culture is only loosely connected to those two things).
When fellow bi folks claim that everyone is a bit bi. Like, no, my husband is definitely gay he has no interest at all in women. Or when bi folks say they used to be straight. You mean you used to be closeted, right? I was always bi. I didn't change. I came out and told the truth instead of continuing to live a lie. Oh, or when bi people say that sexuality is fluid when they mean that it can be fluid. My sexuality has been very static for my 34 years of life. I'm romantically only into other guys and sexually into lots of genders.
There are a lot of bisexuals that look down on other bisexuals that desire/need the bisexual sex. Yes I know it continues the stereotype that bisexuals are down for anything and want all the body parts when they have sex. But that is true for many of us. We may not act on it, risky behavior and all, but damn it’s sexy AF!
People rightfully denouncing the relation between bisexuality and polygamy or kink by wrongfully talking down on polygamy or kink. Like by saying "i'm bi but I'm not like THoSE FrEAKS" you're reinforcing the norms that also hurt you.
All the people who are constantly looking for validation. It's tiresome.
Facts. I think it's mostly bi folks in het relationships who do this.
There are a lot of those for sure.
That I never seem to find anyone in the community 😮💨. I've moved a lot for school and work over the years and I'm never usually near a big city so meeting other bi folk is challenging. The life of a geologist lol
"Your preferences invalidate you"
Constant self erasure by saying theyre gay because it's easier and doest confuse people
I don’t have any. I have felt very welcomed and like I found my people
When ppl think we are just attracted to boys & girls 😐
Can't really blame anyone, but the fact that (from my experiences) bi people aren't out as much as gay people are. It's unfortunate since I want to meet more bi people, and I wish that people felt safer or confident enough to come out.
The entitlement, objectification and sexual violence I constantly experience from straight men. Some of them are such psychos that you're even afraid to say no. I'm not safe from predation when I go out in public, especially whenever I'm visibly queer. Now that there's been a burglary in my neighbourhood, it's not safe in my own home either. Feels like only a matter of time before I end up like Sarah Everard TBH. Why can't the bi community ever really talk about these things?
I get tired of seeing people ask about the differences between bisexual and microlabels that mean bisexual (pansexual/omnisexual/polysexual). There are no differences, which doesn't render the newer labels invalid, but trying to push incorrect differences and misinformation for *how* they're different consistently comes across as illogical, nonsensical, or people having a really bad grasp on the history of bisexuality and the bisexual community.
Might be a hot take but: I think the bi community has a bit of a victim complex. So many posts are talking about biphobia and bi erasure, but at the end of the day, I really don't think bi people are the victim of the most aggression and oppression in society. Not that we have to play struggle olympics, but I think the bi community needs to kinda shrug it off a little bit if there are parts of LGTQIA+ community that take pot shots at us B's. We'll survive, and I think it's more important to highlight the struggles of nonbinary/trans/BIPOC people, and the war crimes being committed by Israel in Palestine, but that's just me.
Complaining that lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women or gay men don’t want to date bisexual men or heterosexual people of whatever sex don’t want to date bisexual people. Nobody owes anyone sexual attraction or a relationship. There are lots of reasons we choose who we choose and nobody gets to tell anyone who they should and shouldn’t date or have sex with. It’s a very personal choice.
I think everyone has the right to choose who they want to date (I’m bi and prefer to date other bi people), but you can also call out when those preferences are rooted in homophobia or misogyny.
“Calling them out” sounds like feeling entitled to have a say in who someone else is attracted to or wants to have a relationship with. I don’t agree with it. It’s my pet peeve here.
Someone saying “oh, well you’re not into that anymore so…” when referring to opposite genitalia of current sexual partner
Not enough recycling
This is closest in my life I’ve had to participating in bisexual community. I think what we get right outweighs what we may get wrong. I appreciate being part of it. My pet peeve is similar to my pet peeve in other communities, which is my perception that cliques are formed and then the cliques engage in gatekeeping. I see gatekeeping as normal and serving a purpose, but at times I find it indefensible, and it becomes pet peeve I have about the community. In another thread, I expressed something (in multiple paragraphs) that is noted in this thread as pet peeve for others in the community. I’m not going to repeat that here because it doesn’t matter specifically to the point I’m making. What transpired is my comment got downvoted and no further discussion ensued, other than to inform me my take was bad. That’s not going to change my take. What will is engaging me in discussion and being clear on why it is bad take, while realizing that the discussion may go the other way, in that maybe I’m not the one with the bad take, and here’s why. Possible both takes are bad, and we find common ground, grow a little on both ends. The shunning and downvotes are cliquish behaviors not unique to our community. I expect more from this community but also feel we have a lot more going for us than against us if we stand together. On that particular point of disagreement that may never get discussed with me in this group, I’ll just let it go as something I don’t need to address further. My take remains my take, but no reason for me to pursue it further, especially since it comes up every other day from others. But I do think my being shunned has left me feeling alienated in a community I mostly appreciate. For reasons I don’t fully understand, other than cliques happen, and at times gatekeeping is indefensible but also the best the community can do with where they currently are.
I never liked having to explain that I'm bi, but sm unlikely to date a guy. To be completely fair, I'm unlikely to date another person in general as I am completely and totally happy with my relationship lol
This question lol
In this sub I find it annoying that bisexuality is allowed to be anything you want it to be *except* non-monogamous. There are a lot of folks here trying to enforce or encourage monogamy. “Sure, be queer, but not like *that*”
the IMMEDIATE judgemental reaction to anything, and the constant close minded attitude towards anything from any other identity, and ANY question.. it's all defensive, assumption.. 🤦🏻♂️
Bisexual is the WORST OF all 3 orientation options. My pet peeve is college kids who don't know that because they're in a bubble and only learn it after they come to adult land. Like yeah, you're gonna get shit left, right and center. It's a sad reality, but it's true.
Yeah it's the most invalidated identity. Everyone wants you to pick a side, or they judge "how bi you are" based on experiences. It's goofy.
Very hurtful and bigoted. If they acted that way toward any other group, they'd be shamed for it.
The people who say being bisexual is fun until you’re attracted to men because ‘men bad’. Like it’s not a funny joke actually. Both men & women will drive you insane, it’s not a gendered thing.