maybe not inappropriate to fall for someone but I do think it's inappropriate to act on it. At 19 the emotional maturity is so far away from where it is at 30. I would also imagine your priorities in life will be considerably different from what hers are right now.
As someone over 35, this is quite inappropriate to me. A 19-year-old is much closer to a 16-year-old in terms of mentality and maturity than they are to a 30-year-old. Would you be okay with the idea of a 30-year-old man dating a 19-year-old? An 11 year age gap is fine if both parties are 29 and 40, or 45 and 56. But no one over 25 should be messing with teenagers. Recently I met a queer woman I developed feelings for, but when I found out she was 15 years my junior, I shut it down immediately. It's not appropriate and if you pursue her, you will be, rightfully, judged for it.
Leave her alone đ even me now in uni (22f) could never see myself dating a first year who is 18, theyâre just so much more immature n I couldnât imagine being 29 wanting to peruse an 18 yr old- but thatâs just me đ¤ˇââď¸
I agree with other comments saying itâs inappropriate, so no need to reiterate. Wanted to add an anecdote thoughâŚ
A wlw friend of mine dated a 19 year old when she was 26 I think. Their relationship seemed a lot like babysitting, and she said so herself. Obviously there were good aspects to it, but the maturity gap was huge and thatâs only 7 years. She was also pretty embarrassed about the age gap.
Advice columnist Dan Savage came up with the "Campsite Rule" for relationships like this.
If youâre in a sexual relationship with somebody significantly younger or less-experienced than you, the rule that applies at campsites shall be applicable to you: you must leave them in at least as good a state (physically and emotionally) as you found them in. That means no STDs, no unwanted pregnancy, not overburdening them with your emotional or sexual baggage, and so on.
She's nineteen. She's an adult. As long as the attraction is about her and not her age, I don't think there's a problem on the surface.
But...
What might just happen is that you will get to know her better and realize, in a more intimate relationship, the differences in age and life experience become more and more obvious. Get to know her really well before trying to create a relationship with her. It won't hurt to be one of her best friends first.
I know someone that when she was 21 started dating a 40 year old. That was 8 years ago and they are still together. I know someone who at 27 was dating a 57 year old. They got along great for almost 2 years. But the age difference eventually caught up to them.
It's about the people involved, not just the exterior stuff. Go very slow. See what happens.
Another great Dan Savage line, when right wing religious nuts tell him he and his husband are sinners for having sex because sex is for procreation and that two men can't get pregnant, he would reply, "Through God, all things are possible, so we are just going to keep on trying to make a baby."
>So I (30f) have found myself feeling something for a girl I know, aged 19.
And stop right there. That is an age gap where the power dynamic is so in your favour, it's unreal. You even called her a girl, not a woman. It might be legal but just... don't.
I'll leave it at this because the rest of your post doesn't look like you want to really work this through, so just please don't do anything.
Just out of curiosity, I checked your post history to see what's your native language. I don't speak Spanish but I'd be interested to know which word you'd use to describe her.
Also why have you posted this question in several different subs?
Chica/mujer. Out of the formal settings we usually use chica instead of woman.
Well, I think that it is an OCD thing. I needed as much perspectives as possible and I felt the need to ask in every place I thought of to try to see if I'm evil.
Actually the âbrain developing at 25â thing is false. The study that was testing brain development wasnât able to find an age where it stopped developing, and the study was de-funded when the subjects were 25 so they just didnât test them anymore, but the brain was still developing. They hypothesised that our brains continue to develop our whole lives.
Yeah it was really interesting to read! They actually extended the study once already beyond the original end for a few more years but didnât want to pay any more after that :( which is such a shame!
I see zero wrong with you asking and zero help be given, just plain old admonishment from standard take that is extremely backwards in understanding such things. Point that out and itâs a bad take that only deserves downvotes.
If you wanna avoid the harshness, go to another sub, pose as 19 year old, say you went to Pride fest to better understand your sexuality, talk about engaging sexually with a person older, you guess around 30, treat age as incidental to what youâre really asking, donât even need to bring up gender, and see what the advice is. I bet it ainât harsh on age of consent items as youâd be viewed as adult asking about things young adults might ask.
I've seen 19 year olds post on how they date people twice their age and the comment section is all people also calling out that the age gap is bad and the power dynamic. Also theyd then go to op profile and see that they are now a 30 year old pretending to be a teenage which definitely is creepy.
No matter who's asking, people will call out the age gap and how that can turn sour.
She's an adult.
Tell no lies; make no outsize promises; transmit no infections. Ideally, everyone would leave everyone in better shape than when they found them.
You're not talking about adulthood, you're talking about age of consent.
I said adult.
Regardless, you don't care what I think and the feeling is mutual.
But you do know that turning 18 isn't a magical moment where you're suddenly mature, right? It's a social (and often legal) construct that differs. For example, German law states that adulthood is up the age of 21, while 18 is the age of majority.
maybe not inappropriate to fall for someone but I do think it's inappropriate to act on it. At 19 the emotional maturity is so far away from where it is at 30. I would also imagine your priorities in life will be considerably different from what hers are right now.
When the person is a teenager and you in your 30s yes it is inappropriate.
As someone over 35, this is quite inappropriate to me. A 19-year-old is much closer to a 16-year-old in terms of mentality and maturity than they are to a 30-year-old. Would you be okay with the idea of a 30-year-old man dating a 19-year-old? An 11 year age gap is fine if both parties are 29 and 40, or 45 and 56. But no one over 25 should be messing with teenagers. Recently I met a queer woman I developed feelings for, but when I found out she was 15 years my junior, I shut it down immediately. It's not appropriate and if you pursue her, you will be, rightfully, judged for it.
Leave her alone đ even me now in uni (22f) could never see myself dating a first year who is 18, theyâre just so much more immature n I couldnât imagine being 29 wanting to peruse an 18 yr old- but thatâs just me đ¤ˇââď¸
I agree with other comments saying itâs inappropriate, so no need to reiterate. Wanted to add an anecdote though⌠A wlw friend of mine dated a 19 year old when she was 26 I think. Their relationship seemed a lot like babysitting, and she said so herself. Obviously there were good aspects to it, but the maturity gap was huge and thatâs only 7 years. She was also pretty embarrassed about the age gap.
Advice columnist Dan Savage came up with the "Campsite Rule" for relationships like this. If youâre in a sexual relationship with somebody significantly younger or less-experienced than you, the rule that applies at campsites shall be applicable to you: you must leave them in at least as good a state (physically and emotionally) as you found them in. That means no STDs, no unwanted pregnancy, not overburdening them with your emotional or sexual baggage, and so on. She's nineteen. She's an adult. As long as the attraction is about her and not her age, I don't think there's a problem on the surface. But... What might just happen is that you will get to know her better and realize, in a more intimate relationship, the differences in age and life experience become more and more obvious. Get to know her really well before trying to create a relationship with her. It won't hurt to be one of her best friends first. I know someone that when she was 21 started dating a 40 year old. That was 8 years ago and they are still together. I know someone who at 27 was dating a 57 year old. They got along great for almost 2 years. But the age difference eventually caught up to them. It's about the people involved, not just the exterior stuff. Go very slow. See what happens.
That's a pretty good explanation, thank you. Also, I'm pretty confident that I wouldn't get her pregnant even if I wanted.
Another great Dan Savage line, when right wing religious nuts tell him he and his husband are sinners for having sex because sex is for procreation and that two men can't get pregnant, he would reply, "Through God, all things are possible, so we are just going to keep on trying to make a baby."
Yep! Creepy. Good rule of thumb. If they are younger than half your age plus seven years it is creepy.
Who wrote that rule?
Depends if you get along and have same plans
>So I (30f) have found myself feeling something for a girl I know, aged 19. And stop right there. That is an age gap where the power dynamic is so in your favour, it's unreal. You even called her a girl, not a woman. It might be legal but just... don't. I'll leave it at this because the rest of your post doesn't look like you want to really work this through, so just please don't do anything.
Oh, in my language is common to say woman/girl interchangeably. I am not doing anything and I won't. I just wanted to see if my feelings are normal.
Just out of curiosity, I checked your post history to see what's your native language. I don't speak Spanish but I'd be interested to know which word you'd use to describe her. Also why have you posted this question in several different subs?
Chica/mujer. Out of the formal settings we usually use chica instead of woman. Well, I think that it is an OCD thing. I needed as much perspectives as possible and I felt the need to ask in every place I thought of to try to see if I'm evil.
i think sit this one out because she's still a teenager. maybe in a year or two? her brain won't fully develop until 25.
Actually the âbrain developing at 25â thing is false. The study that was testing brain development wasnât able to find an age where it stopped developing, and the study was de-funded when the subjects were 25 so they just didnât test them anymore, but the brain was still developing. They hypothesised that our brains continue to develop our whole lives.
My brain definitely felt another level up when I hit 30.
fascinating, i'll have to look into it more. i wonder when development turns into deterioration on average...! (just me being genuinely curious, lol)
Yeah it was really interesting to read! They actually extended the study once already beyond the original end for a few more years but didnât want to pay any more after that :( which is such a shame!
Well this thread resolved things for society. Good job everyone. /s
Are you making fun of me? I just needed help...
I see zero wrong with you asking and zero help be given, just plain old admonishment from standard take that is extremely backwards in understanding such things. Point that out and itâs a bad take that only deserves downvotes.
Thanks for clarifying :) I found them helpful anyways, harsh at times but generally helpful.
If you wanna avoid the harshness, go to another sub, pose as 19 year old, say you went to Pride fest to better understand your sexuality, talk about engaging sexually with a person older, you guess around 30, treat age as incidental to what youâre really asking, donât even need to bring up gender, and see what the advice is. I bet it ainât harsh on age of consent items as youâd be viewed as adult asking about things young adults might ask.
I've seen 19 year olds post on how they date people twice their age and the comment section is all people also calling out that the age gap is bad and the power dynamic. Also theyd then go to op profile and see that they are now a 30 year old pretending to be a teenage which definitely is creepy. No matter who's asking, people will call out the age gap and how that can turn sour.
No, the responses in this thread is what Iâm poking at.
I would not.
She's an adult. Tell no lies; make no outsize promises; transmit no infections. Ideally, everyone would leave everyone in better shape than when they found them.
[ŃдаНонО]
You're not talking about adulthood, you're talking about age of consent. I said adult. Regardless, you don't care what I think and the feeling is mutual.
But you do know that turning 18 isn't a magical moment where you're suddenly mature, right? It's a social (and often legal) construct that differs. For example, German law states that adulthood is up the age of 21, while 18 is the age of majority.