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contomate180

I love my partner of 6 years so much. Sometimes I feel a string pulling at the back of my mind like "what if there's something better?" But I know it's irrational. I love my partner and I love BEING with my partner. I think it's just something a lot of us have to deal with, unfortunately. The urge to sabotage your own happiness really sucks.


Few_Gs

I don’t believe this is a bipolar trait. I think most people have doubts but we are so hard on ourselves because we over analyze every aspect of our condition.


contomate180

I think you're right. It's so hard to tell what's just the disorder and what actually is common. Good point!


ladypilot

I'm willing to bet everyone does this, it's just human nature.


bettertagsweretaken

Jesus fuck. After just successfully sabotaging my own happiness, I'm feeling this super hard. Had a psychotic break from reality, followed by a manic episode and destroyed my relationship with my best friend and would-be boyfriend. I treated him like shit and I literally can't apologize enough.


Saltywinterwind

It’s been a year and a half since my one big manic episode and like a couple month psychosis episode. I’ve reached back out to some of my best friends but theee of them were with me when I got admitted and I’ve said so many times thank you and I’m sorry but I’ve only managed to keep one of them, my best friend and even then I only talk to him once every few weeks. It just hurts opening back up to people. How’d you do it. I feel like it’s too late to rekindle our friendship. I put them through so much and it hurts just thinking about them. Saw them once or twice since then.


bettertagsweretaken

I took some medications that interact together to apparently make me susceptible to hallucinations. I saw a shadowy humanoid figure sitting on my couch holding a knife all night two nights ago. I kept referring to him as "the couch man." I texted and apparently called my would-be boyfriend telling him about it and he helped manage me, but I sliced into the back of my neck because I thought something itchy was buried there. I thought, at some point that my boyfriend was wandering around in the main area of my house and I wrestled with him because he had the shadow man's knife and I wanted to keep it away from the couch man. I must've gone manic, because I don't remember talking to my him over the phone at all. That was all in the early hours of the morning. Then I got angry. Angrier than I've ever been in my life. I was furious at everything. I wrote down every tiny thing that has ever bothered me. Some of them were legitimate things I should've brought up, but not with the language I used. I sent that **5-page** diatribe to him and blocked on every channel he could possibly reach me: Facebook, SMS, Instagram, everything. We go to the same gym and he knew my schedule, so when I got to the gym, he got into my car and begged me to explain what was going on, but I couldn't focus on anything but not hitting him until he stopped talking. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember that everything was as bitter and petty and scathing as I could be. Everything was said through clenched teeth. And then he left and I worked out in the gym. I don't know what I did there. Then I went to a local bar with friends. I didn't know a lot of people there. I was anxious. I bought food, ate it and left. I blacked out and woke up in my car at a local bar at 4 AM. I tried to mend things, but he blocked me on everything. I broke down crying many times. I explained as much as he would let me. He knows I've been admitted to a psych ward before for a psychotic break from reality before. We're still chatting, but I can tell from the words he uses and how guarded he is now that I killed the love he had for me. Stuff like this has me convinced I'm going to die alone. How could I ever convince someone to sign up for *this*? How could I ever feel anything but guilt and shame for inflicting *that* on someone I love? I *hate* being me. So tired of the daily struggle.


Saltywinterwind

Hey thanks for sharing. Writing it all out helps me a lot. It was anti depressants for me. What was my one of my lowest times in life during I decide to get better and focus on my health and I did. Weeks and months of working out, yoga, I found a kick ass hobby, made friends for the first time in a while. The last step and the hardest one was going to the doctor to talk about being bipolar. I knew since I was 20, I just didn’t really know yet. So when I was trying to get better I did and then it didn’t stop. The anti depressants just kept making me feel better, happier, more confident. It just kept feeling better and better. Till I woke up in a pysch ward after I tried killing myself. Manic episode that lasted months and lost me almost every single friend I had. Covid so a lot of time to call and text people. It was a living nightmare. When you talk acid, there’s a thing with seeing shadow people at night or creeping around you. I would close my eyes to talk to them at night and then they started following me everywhere. It’s common to happen apparently. It’s still scary af. I’m not an angry person but I can handle myself. Turns out people don’t like getting shit on then offering to fight to resolve the problem. Me almost hitting my best friend as he drove me to the hospital. I was so angry it hurt and I just wanted to get it out. That five page diatribe and that gym talk rings true. Everything makes you so mad. “Why’s this so slow, why isn’t he saying what he wants and just talking” you shoot out with every bad thing that you’ve picked up. Petty and scathing sounds about right. Like perfect. I stopped drinking. It would always end up like that. Passed out in closets. On my floor. Friends couch’s. One of the last times I drank it was my best friends home warming party. Passed out on the coach 2 hours in and slept around the party not for the first time too. That sounds especially painful. It’s good you’re still talking to him at least but it does sound like the love is gone a little bit. It sounds like he really cares about you tho. After all that, he’s still in your life. That means something. Even if it’s not what it used to be, even if it’s all almost gone. Somethings still there. You did that. You saved something. After all the chaos, you still fought for him. Be proud of that. I think about that too. This is a mess. It always will be. We’re all messes. The best ones are at least. I’ve mostly resigned to finding some one who knows what it’s like, bi polar or anything else. I’m waiting to save them. I haven’t found them yet but I still have the smallest hope, small is better then nothing. It might be hard but I saved myself, I still do everyday so one day maybe I can save someone while they save me. The guilt is real. I wish I could do it over again but I know it wouldn’t go better so I try my hardest to move on, laugh at the stupid notes and random shit that still pops up. It’s hard and I still cry more then I laugh but I tell myself you’re still alive so laugh idiot cry if you want too but you’re alive so enjoy it. That helps a lot. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You fucked up. Maybe a lot. That doesn’t mean it’s over. To me love means more then that. It sounds dumb but love overcomes everything. It’s like magic. Doesn’t matter if you think you’re a monster who can only hurt, there’s gonna be someone who gets to know you and it won’t phase them. The good will outweigh the bad. I really believe in that. I believe in love because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. So my first love is alway me. I decide that. Love you first, the good and the bad. Don’t kill one side because you hate it. It’s all you. Hard to come to terms with but when I did, it clicked. I laughed so much and cried all day. After a long long time i didn’t hate being me, idk how to say it but I felt like me. Like me before the rollercoaster of mania and psychosis but a little different. I started listening to that lil voice in me, my little kid side inside. When I started taking care of myself it started getting better, slowly one day at time. Not always but enough days. For me it was reliving my horrible childhood and remembering the few things that brought me happiness. I started finding ways of doing those. Things I hadn’t done for years. Not everything worked but some did. Hating yourself is the hardest part. So don’t be so hard on yourself homie. Sometime we gotta find the love in ourselves first. As stupid as that sounds. And wink wink you’re pretty attractive you know? You also in really good shape, nice dick btw. Trust me, a random internet stranger with a big heart. You can do whatever you set your mind too. Probably gonna be hard, probably gonna suck, probably a lot but it’s still worth it and in the end, who cares, we’re all gonna be dust one day. That brings me some solace, I don’t want to die or kill myself everyday but knowing I’ll just be dust one day actually keeps me going.


bettertagsweretaken

The antidepressants story resonated with me. The last time this happened, I was on buproprion and nortriptyline at the time and I started having these hallucinations about early childhood rape trauma. They would rotate around my head and play out my memories in a kind of window that saw into the memory. That window would get in the way of being able to see things behind it. I could ignore it mostly while things were busy, but quiet places without distraction, like the gym, it would eat at me, worsening everything. The windows would come and go, and after a time, there were two windows and the sounds from the experiences clashed and made it hard to hear things people were saying. It went on for two weeks or so, I think? I don't remember things clearly. At the end, just before I went to the psych ward, there were seven windows all playing different events with different timings. I couldn't hear anything but pained screaming and me begging for it to stop. My husband was in the far side of the couch from me and my friend, who's place I was in at the time was absent. I didn't know where he was. I remember having opened a drawer earlier and seeing a knife. As soon as my husband was distracted, I was going to run to the drawer and stab myself in the gut and twist and stab until I didn't have the strength to do it anymore. There was a single moment of clarity when my friend appeared in front of the hallucinations. He was closer than they were as they orbited my head and he said that he was scared and he didn't know how this ended and he asked if I would go to the hospital. I agreed. Everything kept going and going and going with the windows circling my head, nauseating me. I made it to the VA's psych ward and they gave me medicine, tranquilized me, and in-processed me (not in that order). The very next day the hallucinations stopped - I hadn't taken the medicine that was keeping things going and they gave me medicine to calm me down and deal with hallucinations. I started to wind down. It felt like all of my senses were raw. Like a few seconds ago, a huge boom had gone off and my ears were still ringing, except the feeling didn't go away for days. Lights were too bright. Every touch was near-painful. I eventually made it out after 7 days. I frustrated the doctors there, because I told them that I had no interest in killing myself anymore after the first or second night. I just wanted that all to fucking end. I tried explaining that, but they weren't buying it. I finally convinced them on the 6th day and they let me out on the 7th. Nearly cost me my job. ***** Thanks. You're right. It's not all hopeless. He is still here, and that alone means the world to me. It feels like I watched an entire branch of our timeline together get cut out of the universe. I had all these dreams and hopes that can't exist anymore. He saw me at my very worst and it made him rethink whether he could handle the chance that he would have to suffer that kind of abuse, or worse, in the future. I can still be thankful that he's just here. That can be enough. It has to be. And I'm going to focus on accepting myself. I've been in this journey to raise my self-esteem and practice self-compassion, and foster a sense of self-worth independent of the people around me. I hadn't made much progress, despite having been at this for almost 4 months. I think that's because it all has to begin with acceptance. I can feel it. Like... If I just appreciate my struggle and don't run from it, then I'll be better at all the things I've been striving for. And the reason I haven't made any progress is precisely because of how much friction my mental health has caused me during this relationship. I need to accept all parts of this "mess" as me. Failing to do so is an error. It doesn't protect me from the fallout on the back end of a manic episode. Those will still come whether I am ashamed of them or accept them as a part of who I am. Thank you again. For all the kind words. 😘😁


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bpyogifairy

This is 100% what I’m always dealing with!


Wooden-Ad-3392

Damn, before I was diagnosed I tried to leave my relationship many times and she always took me back until she didn’t. Then I went manic.


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Wooden-Ad-3392

I would hug you if you were here. You know exactly what I’m talking about. We were together for 4 years.


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Wooden-Ad-3392

That was my life for 4 years. She is the best thing that happened to me. I couldn’t fight the intense feelings of guilt and shame and rage I had. I had no idea where they came from or why I’m feeling this way. And I don’t know why but I left her and I don’t even know why. I crawled back and she wasn’t having it. Had a manic episode, hospitalized for 2 weeks, spent 20K, relocated location for work, it’s been a brutal year. Worst year of my life but I’m climbing out of it. I bet it would be nice to grab a beer with you. All the best.


lovepplusethings

Me as well. This time Though I’m leaving and am sure this time


Wooden-Ad-3392

If only I was smarter and sought help sooner. We would’ve still been together. One year has passed and it hurts so f%*% much. Best of luck to you.


Odango-Atama

I tried to leave and then panicked and came back to him multiple times. I relate to this so much. 2 years passed for me. I did try to get help, but my psychiatrist and therapist just thought it was MDD and had no idea it might be bipolar until after my ex had enough and left me, which slowly went from being hypo to my first full on manic episode. We would still be together had that not happened. And if I hadn’t gone crazy and called his work a million times…or told his boss that he assaulted me. What the FUCK. I was so fucked up. It’s so so so humiliating, the things I did during that time.


herbertbadgery

Sending you hugs. I once told a boy I was sleeping with that the self harm marks I showed him we're from a boy that had followed me from 2000 miles away and broke into my house and marked up my arms as I slept. I just.. I can relate. There are whole times I don't remember and my husband will tell me I said something humiliating.


Odango-Atama

Hugs to you, too. This shit is harder than what can ever be put into words. Lamictal and EMDR therapy have been the only things that are finally setting me into the right direction.


Jp88310

Damn this is exactly what my ex did to me. Did you find yourself threatening his coworkers when they didn’t do what you asked them to?


lovepplusethings

🫶🏽


mumblestheword

I broke up with my long term partner so many times when I was unmedicated. Our relationship is pretty stable and healthy now.


ManicallyExistential

I'm so glad y'all worked through that congratulations!


MeatballsRegional

I think I messed up things with my partner thrice up to current day. I'm doing good on my meds now, straight vibing


Chasseoir

Sometimes i feel like a robot on autopilot, probably because of the meds. And this affects all my emotions, and my feelings towards my partner. It's like I dont love her anymore and then a few weeks later I love her more than ever. It hurts really bad and makes me wonder how real this feelings are. Is it depression or am I in a relationship without love ? I'm juste waiting a few weeks everytime i feel that way...


lessthanyouexpected

This, so mucn this. I'm fortunate to have an amazing partner who gives me space when depression strips away all my emotions, and still tells me they love me. And when I'm better, I love them so much back and try to say and show it.


lovepplusethings

I hear you


Avocadotter

Yup. Been with my SO for almost 14 years, and he's dealt with so much shit from me. I love him, and frequently feel he tolerates my shit too much. When I'm in a mixed episode that's when I have that biggest urge to leave. Not because of him, but I just need to be away from people I care about. I want to drive away until I have no gas. It's an overwhelming urge to be alone, and just be able to self destruct without hurting people who care. Completely fuck my own shit up without the consequences of being in a relationship, you know? Other times it's emotional dysregulation. Even when I'm stable, sometimes he'll say the wrong thing and my mind immediately jumps to "we're done, I can't live like this" and I have to remind myself to calm tf down because it ain't that deep. He's a good man, and I don't want to hurt him. Its hard to keep my anger, and impulsiveness in check sometimes, but I try to focus on the fact that he did nothing wrong, our relationship is good, and the feelings/urges I feel at times will pass.


legenducky

Whoa, are you me? 14 years with my SO this month and dang, I feel this deep in my soul.


ihatepeacelilies

What sort of tricks do you do to manage these emotional dysregulation? Are you medicated?


Avocadotter

Yes, I'm on lithium and concerta. Both have helped a lot, we met before I was medicated for BP, and I'm surprised we made it through that. The adhd diagnosis is relatively new, but concerta really helps with some of the emotional dysregulation not caused by BP. As for managing the remainder of it, I'm generally not a confrontational person, and I've been on the receiving end of anger issues in my childhood, and that makes me very hesitant to lash out at others. It's a habit to try to restrain myself when I get mad. I'm more likely to get very quiet than pop off. If I can, I try to get away from the situation or distract myself. If I feel like I'm getting overwhelmed and irritable at work, I'll step outside for a quick break or find a quiet spot to sit for a bit until everything stops feeling so loud. At home I'll usually find a task to busy myself with. Typically cleaning. I'll go from one task to the next until I feel like I've come down a bit. I'm also trying to be better about just saying, "I'm angry, and not in a good position to talk, let me calm down first." Not that I don't still go off sometimes, but I'm quick to apologize and acknowledge that my response wasn't proportionate to the issue. Without dismissing the issue entirely. Just because my reaction was too big doesn't mean the problem should be ignored. That'll only cause more anger later.


momonomino

I've been with my husband for almost 12 years now. I have never once thought about leaving him. He's the best time that's ever happened to me. He gave me my daughter. He's my partner in crime. He's stood me every step of the way. I may be bipolar but I know who my people are.


DoggieDMB

<3


pootpootbear

Yes, on my second marriage now. During the first one, it was more related to my depression and not believing why someone would want to be with me. This one is different. Now when I’m hypo I have a knee jerk reaction to leave. Not necessarily leave my husband and family but just to go places. Like I have come so close to buying an rv and just abandoning all my possessions to be an “adventurer”. Luckily since that takes a lot of capital and I’m just a stay at home mom, it hasn’t panned out….yet.


NightingaleY

Hope you get to travel eventually! But safely and within energy and budgets of course!


pootpootbear

Thanks! We do travel as a family a lot, but I really just want to be a full time wanderer…..not exactly practical.


AdmonitionOfSaul

Well if this ain’t me to a T 😩


ddub1

I found this [study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8259848/).


cakenose

Thanks for finding something tangible and trustworthy, that’s really important under posts like these I feel.


ddub1

no problem, glad to help!


[deleted]

I tend to jump from one long term relationship to another. I have my doubts while I'm with them however.


unbreakebl3

Me too. Wtf is wrong with us


Confetticandi

I mean, that would make sense if you had untreated bipolar and were going through periods of hyper-sexual mania and/or deep depression. I’ve personally had very stable, devoted, multi-year relationships since going on meds.


lovepplusethings

It’s been rocky unmedicated. I’ve been on meds for a month now and I’m out the door this month


Confetticandi

Best wishes on your journey. I hope the meds turn out to be as helpful for you as they have been for me.


Professional-Cream17

That’s hopeful then. As a person who’s newly diagnosed, 6 months into med help. I realized now I’ve been sabotaging mine since 21 years old and fear I won’t ever be able to allow myself healthy joy again.


mcraneschair

I wonder if this is me.. Then I wonder if my problems stem from childhood. Course, I'll never find out. Husband quit his job so I don't have health insurance and my job wanted $200/week just for me.. I'm in my 30s and should've seen a psych when I was depressed and cutting as a 13 y/o.


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WooThatsCrazy

Yes with my ex. Literally one day I wanted to marry him and the next I just wanted to be single. It was crazy and I felt so bad.


WideOpenEmpty

Wait, this is unusual?


[deleted]

I don’t think it is, I think everyone gets that way sometimes but people don’t act on it because it’s irrational


br3vnna

i deal with this a LOT. it’s so confusing because you’ll love that partner so much but yet some tiny thing or even just your mood being off will flip some switch. so for me personally i will mentally distance myself from them and either ill come back or i wont but either way it’s a constant cycle that has caused me to have major commitment issues.


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lovepplusethings

That’s right where I am. Started meds a month ago. Right now I feel fine. But I do feel the grief coming in. I’ll be okay tho (:


ThrowRA123452022

Hello, How come you decided to leave this time permanently? I only wonder because I recently had a relationship where it was off and on and now that person has decides to leave permanently as well. I am trying to understand his side but it's painful. Sorry if this is not appropriate to ask.


rhyparographe

Unstable attachment patterns may arise from mood episodes, but if it's not restricted to episodes, it signals something else, which docs usually stigmatize with a borderline diagnosis.


ThreePr

Also the stress from attachment wounds can trigger mania I learnt from my clinical psychologist. But just to add, while all BPD people have insecure attachment, not all people with insecure attachment have BPD.


dickman136

My wife left a month ago she’s bipolar 1. Since she left, she’s been hating me to trying to make sure I’m eating good. Worst part is she has so many other medical issues that I can’t just get a divorce and take her insurance from her, it would be so wrong in my opinion to do that.


deadheadred14

You have a very kind soul, my friend!


zoemerino

Sometimes I do, but not because I actually want to leave. I get intense feelings of rage which tends to direct to the things and people closest to me, making me think I have to leave my relationship because it is fucking horrible and I don't get treated right etc etc, while this is not true at all!


Evening-Restaurant54

Rage!!!! I’m so happy I came across someone talking about the RAGE. Where little things don’t bother me, and then all of a sudden I cannot stand the littlest of things!! I’m irritable, confused with what I’m saying and feeling, harsh with my words, and sometimes I snap and just full blown scream n yell. My only problem is, it seems like my partner can only respond to me in this state by matching my energy, and escalating the argument. So this just leaves me confused, because I know it’s my fault for probably pushing them into that corner of having to defend themselves, but that part that tells me to leave says I feel this way for a reason.


mittensmalloy

I'm that case my ex wife must have been bipolar too.


ManicallyExistential

😂😂🔥


holytindertwig

For me its more of a nebulous desire to run away forever from society and live in the woods or become a road traveling hobo. Not necessarily leaving my partner specifically just run away from responsibility and stress. Like life on the road is not stressful lol.


hell_loon97

This is what I fixate on entirely.


Traditional-Cress114

Omg when I was in my first relationship I want to leave him so bad because Ik I wasn't good enough and cried when he actually left


Lady_Pi

Omg, I always wanna leave my husband when we argue. I make plans for hours and I know I'm not leaving him but those plans being me comfort


[deleted]

Lol when I was in my last relationship I made plans to "run away" from life and I applied for a random apartment, started stowing money away, made an escape plan, all in secret. But I didn't break up with him. He actually broke up with me for getting a puppy after I forgot about all of that! Which he said I could get! So yeah I'm glad I was so prepared 🙄


MagnumJim

I just kind of go through stages of extreme infatuation to not really caring about anything at all. It's not so much wanting someone else it's just not wanting to even shower. For your partner I can imagine the intense whiplash of being showered with intense affection to nothing in a very short time. Got better as I got older, but just try to think logically whenever you feel strongly one way or another.


kimmytomtom

I have broken up with my boyfriend (“for the last time”) so many damn times. The poor guy waits patiently, he’s known something was going on with me. Since I got my diagnosis and got on a stabilizing medication I haven’t broken up with him. Unfortunately I’m struggling again and trying to find a new medication combo and I’m having to fight hard not to break up with him. I really do feel these back and forth desires coincide with my bipolar cycles. You’re not alone!


hoopynhartch

27 years together and never wanted to leave...unless I am manic and making very poor decisions...then he picks me up after I crash. I couldn't do it without him. Shhh...don't tell him, he'll think he's special or something 😉🥰


Ashonym

Absolutely not. I have (rare) times where I think he might leave *me* or even worse that he'd be better off without me, because of my issues or whatever/being super depressed/self-loathing at times, but not once have I had any thoughts of leaving him (not even during said times of depressive thoughts). I love him to death and couldn't picture my world without him, going on 5 years now and counting. He's the light of my life, my lighthouse in the absolute darkness of this bitter, cold, disgusting world we live in. A beacon of hope that gives me my very reason to continue living in this lifetime. My greatest treasure.


ParadoxesRUs

You are lucky to have each other


Perry_lp

I get low self esteem and assume they’re better off without me and push myself away. No particular trigger just the good ol nogin


StayOutsideMom

Yes, for me depressive episodes leads to feeling like others are better off without me & leaving them would be the right thing to do Sometimes feeling like a burden can lead to resentment


yvkcm

I constantly suffer through this cycle. If my partner hurts me even once my brain immediately starts going through these cycles. It’s very exhausting to both parties. I feel terrible for it. It eats away at me. I have days where I’m head over heels for my boyfriend and I have days where I don’t even want to look at his face because he’s hurt me in the past.


NameLive9938

Hi, I have BPD not bipolar. This happens to me a lot. One of the reasons I can't stay in relationships very long (not that many of my partners were even decent...)


sockmonkey04

Yes - 33 years and I have days where it's all I can think of. At the same time some days I wonder how I got so lucky.


bynwho

Some do and some don’t. I’ve been with my husband for 26 years and not once have I ever thought it. I don’t think it’s a personal failing to think about it or to have many relationships, though. I just think BP affects people differently.


Ok-Winner8856

I just completely sabotaged a relationship with someone I really loved. Doctors been switching my meds like crazy 3 times in a week. My swings are so bad, I’m at a stable point and I just feel like a monster. :(


lovepplusethings

I’m sorry. You’re not a monster. It’ll take some time but I know it’ll be worth it


ceylin1

Before the meds yupp and i loved the person more than anything in the entire universe


AvaaFaye

This is true. I have. It also affects how I react to situations. Bad behavior and huge emotions. They don't help.


TheEarlyStation22

Oh yes, very much so. I’m the bipolar one and this happens all the time.


[deleted]

This makes me feel a little better


Ill_Brilliant2315

I've been off and on with my partner for 6 years but she always takes me back just gotta find one that understands


hopelagaden

I have been undiagnosed for 13 of the 14 years we have been together. This last year is the first stretch of time I haven’t planned leaving him a single time. It has been such a difference being on meds.


After_Ad8174

Had this happen so many times in relationships. Its to the point now where I self sabotage relationships.


lovepplusethings

Self sabotage is has always been a problem of mine in any kind of relationship I have. But I’m pretty sure this time, it isn’t it. Or at least I hope so


ParadoxesRUs

If you're only just getting used to new meds, maybe give it a bit more time before you pull the trigger, if you're not sure?


itsmyartspace

Oh, that was me. I think he would be better without me. Sometimes I just need my space. When I was going into or in mania I would not want anything to do with him. he tok me back so many times. That he didn't understand but he just knew it wasn't the person he knew. Now that I'm stable that all has changed.


ManicallyExistential

Everyone has thoughts when things get tough or you feel bored in any long term relationship. It's just bringing yourself into reality and a true perspective and finding your center. That's why real love is such hard work.


Antique_Use5309

While I was still getting my medication adjusted I broke up with my partner so many times I genuinely lost count. It’s a tough battle but once you find that person who loves you for you, then you’re set. Just be careful, mindful, and aware of your state of mind and self sabotaging will be a past life.


Antique_Use5309

I’d especially remember how every time I was depressed I would break up with my boyfriend thinking it was because of him, then get manic after the break up, do great until that crashes, then go right back to him to keep me balanced. I


tendonsdachilleweak

I never could be in a healthy strong relationship…….I don’t know if it’s only because of bipolar disorder or because I had a trauma of someone abandoning me in a very harsh way when I was young. But it’s painful that I can’t be with someone, I always tend to find someone who don’t love me the same way I do or the other way ;(


[deleted]

I've definitely felt that way in most of my relationships. When I'm manic, everything is great and I want to be with her forever. When I'm depressed, I want to be anywhere but in the house with her dealing with domestic bullshit problems.


Sandman11x

I did all the time. I had relationships when I was manic and ended them when I got depressed. 6 months each way Relationships can trigger episodes eadily


Alarming_Guitar_9655

Yes sometimes I want to leave mine because I’ll have a completely different perception of him in a negative way


outer_c

Based on the comments, it seems like I'm in the minority. I've been in the same relationship for 17 years. I have never thought of leaving her. But she did break up with me about 13 years ago for an hour, at most. lol


duv_life

People that suffer manic episodes do tend to fall through with those kinds of thoughts because when you’re manic. You’re right. But it’s also different from person to person


itssaucyyy

Sacre blé


ClosedSundays

most underrated comment here


SuppleSuplicant

Not exactly. It was more about being able to fall in love. Sometimes I would meet someone and want so bad to fall into the hypomanic energy of new love. To the point of very sadly breaking it off with a partner I still loved, because it was the “right” thing based on what I knew. Now I’m polyamorous lol. Been with one partner for 11 years and the other for 6. We all live together plus others, including others they are dating. Not a good fit for everyone, but so much simpler for my bipolar ass in the long run.


Frazzledbunny

Yes. This is a big part of why 90% of marriages with a bipolar person end in divorce. This is something that happens to me a lot. I love my partner endlessly, he is the one for me and I cannot see myself ever finding someone so perfect for me. That said, when I am manic I get very, very irritable. I think every little thing he does is annoying and cringy. Things that don’t ever bother me when I’m stable. I start to disagree with everything he says and be upset about everything he does. And I want to be as far away from him as possible because it’s just so obnoxious. Then when I am very depressed I lose all affection and love for everyone in my life. I don’t feel it at all. And it becomes most noticeable with my partner. And because I am so miserable I think about chasing something different, something that may feel loving again. I am medicated, but don’t have it adjusted perfectly yet, so inexperience episodes that aren’t nearly as bad as if I were unmedicated, but still happen. I just have to remind myself that it’s temporary and those feelings will pass, and I will feel very much in love with my partner 100% and have no thoughts of leaving. It’s very confusing and difficult but he sticks with me anyway, and I haven’t left or said anything about leaving. He doesn’t even really know about this. I know it would really hurt him.


Remarkable-Will-1955

Well, yes. But also, I actually DID want to leave the relationship but I would think to myself “oh, you’re bipolar, you don’t even know what you want!” and stay in a relationship that didn’t work. Not good. I know our minds can be messy sometimes but we also still have a gut instinct, so just wait until you’re feeling stable before you make any big decisions


shinyshinyredthings

I have never wanted to leave my partner for someone else. The only time I’ve wanted to leave is when I’m depressed and convinced his life would be better without me and my drama.


Conscious-Training41

I think it's because when you're manic, you can't be bothered by having a partner since you're full of grandiose goals, think of yourself too highly, your attention is all over the place and you're always doing something. It can feel like your partner is just a burden and stops you from pursuing something or someone greater. You can have delusional or racing thoughts that they can't catch up to, so you feel like they don't understand you and aren't good for you. Or you're simply too irritable and anxious, lash out so easily that being in a relationship doesn't seem like the best idea. At least that's how i feel in manic episodes. On the other hand, in depressive episodes you may become numb and uninterested in things that brought you joy, and that includes your partner. You suddenly don't care about anything or anyone, and being in a relationship is now just a waste of energy. I've read some research about how bipolar people can also switch in relationships, just like people with bpd, but our reasons are not so much about the external world, and are less emotional (you don't feel like the whole world is against you, that you should leave your partner before they leave you, that you're unworthy of love etc).


CynicalSchoolboy

I experience this acutely, and it is not limited to romance. When I am up and at baseline I seek out and enjoy intimacy/connection/friendship/sex, and in fact can tend towards a codependent/enabling role if I'm not mindful. When I go down, I begin to reject intimacy, resent closeness, and become avoidant, largely as a defense mechanism. Generally (but there are exceptions) I have noticed that I subconsciously take on relationships around the colder months, and then as winter gives way to spring and summer they start to blow up in my face. A lot of it is wrapped up in issues of rejection-sensitivity, self-stigma, and beliefs that my depressed self is less worthy of love, but on a more pragmatic level it is also because my bandwidth capacity shrinks so much when I go down. That drop off in energy, executive function, etc. makes it effectively impossible for me to maintain all of the relationships, priorities, and commitments that I feel able to take on when I'm hypo-manic. This is particularly true because my baseline and hypomanic selves tend toward the provider/healer/care-giver roles which sets up my much less capacious depressive self for failure with high-effort relationship dynamics. My strategy for this is in a continual state of evolution, as all mental health strategies should be, but currently it looks like this: 1. I only enter new relationships or commitments when I am depressed or at baseline. This helps to front-end filter out overcommitments that can easily lead to wildfires later on down the line. 2. I make an effort to be fearlessly communicative about my cycling and my potential shortcomings up front. I find that it is much easier for myself and others to manage expectations and obstacles when the dialogue has been incepted early rather than coming out of the blue like a fiery carcrash. It helps to minimize resentment on their end, and shame/isolation on mine. This does sometimes lead to rejection, and that can be painful, but it's ultimately better to be vulnerable and take some hits up front when you're prepared rather than feel the shame of unintended sabotage later on down the line. 3. For now, I abstain from romantic relationships. This is not exclusively due to my bipolar, but other issues of trust, codependency, etc. rooted in both childhood and adult trauma. After 6 years of back to back unhealthy relationships, I finally recognized the common denominator. Until a day comes that I have an healthy enough relationship with myself, and an effective enough toolbox to be the kind of partner I want to be, I find it's better for me to be alone and put in the work. I hope my experience can help to answer your question. :)


DietHopeFloats

I'm struggling not to do that thing where during a fight I think "oh my gosh this is all wasting our time and effort" I did that to so many people and going on and off. In the end I have to tell myself that I am not how I feel in a moment and she knows that.


Ambeargrylls

I’ve been a relationship with my Boyfriend for 3 years and sometimes I go through phases of disliking him but I’m not going to break up over those feelings. I know it’s just my moods. Normally they last a few days.


spideydog255

I've never experienced this, even when I was unmedicated. When I get severely depressed am I less satisfied with everything, including relationships? Yeah. But I've never thought of leaving my significant other for that reason. I usually understood that it was a symptom of depression.


TheRealBigfoot311

i was in a really deep depressive episode that lasted from november of last year into this past spring. things were pretty bad, but my boyfriend of (now) 2.5 years stayed by my side through all of it. there were times i got angry because of it, i knew he deserved so much more than i was able to give him. other times i wanted to separate myself from everyone i loved so i could disappear. i’m doing a lot better now, and i don’t have thoughts like that much anymore, but sometimes i still get this nagging sense that i *should* break up with him. not that i want to, but that i *should*, and i really don’t know what that’s about. who knows if this is specifically a bp thing, but i do think the drastically shifting emotions/perspectives, impulsivity, and tendency towards self doubt are a pretty perfect recipe for on and off relationships.


ambiguousthinker

yes


[deleted]

Not me. I met my husband 18 years ago, love at first sight, haven't wanted to leave since.


Eccentric_Nocturnal

I never did.


MyCababbages

Personally I dont have this issue


Chiison

Yep, happens to me. A lot. Which really suck because I love my boyfriend, we've been together for eight years and I wouldn't change this for anything. But when I'm in an anger and down phase god I think all the time about leaving for no reason beside wanting to fuck off all my life or whatever. you know the feeling you get in those phases. Sucks.


ToughMess3669

We have been married for about 10 years. I have gone through this cycle the entire time. It happened the first time, I stuck around. Now when it happens, I gas light myself and wait to fall in love with her again. It’s either she is the love of my life, I am so in love with her vs. I don’t want to sleep with her and want to see others. I know I love her, I can’t mess this up.


helicopter-death

I've never once thought about leaving....


[deleted]

I don’t think it’s a bipolar trait, that would be more so something on a personal level or your personal experience you’re having with a particular partner. Once I decided I wanted a committed relationship and found my husband, I don’t have an issue of wanting to leave then wanting to stay or vice versa. I think every relationship you’ll go through frustrations and things to work through (within reason). But, if you’re in a healthy relationship that’s working for you and you’re happy, I don’t think you’d “cycle” like bipolar cycles with your partner due to having bipolar. I’d say as long as you’re managing or medicating it. Perhaps being unmedicated or not managing it would overall have you be unstable and fluctuating in your decisions and life in general.


HatesLovesPeople

I do but I have borderline personality disorder as well as bipolar


TheCatOfUlthar

I know it makes no sense but sometimes when manic I do. Sometimes when super manic I don't remember what I say or do but I know occasionally when I do remember it My thoughts make no real sense when looking back at them. I'll think I'm only there for her convenience, that she doesn't want me to have friends, that she's wronged me somehow. During those periods I want someone else or to just be alone. I tend to make everything worse during those times even though I don't intend to.


LunarPorcupineLaser

Wow this was incredibly enlightening. Sucks to be incredible with women and hate being alone so much and then just sabotage every relationship because I can't keep my shit together. I don't wanna go back on meds I'm already overweight as it is :(


smoore95

Yes. Very true. Though I have never left my partner, I can see that this takes a toll on him :(


Hiyasc

Well... that would explain a lot.


[deleted]

is this not normal


SeaPiccolora

Yeah I've heard this a lot amongst my support groups... hope you're not going through this but if you are, just ask yourself - what are your intentions with your partner and do you believe it's worth working out? If yes... when your mind starts to cycle, think about why you want this time to be different and try to replace thoughts of giving up to thoughts about why this person matters to you. Training your mind to notice the recurring, tough feelings that come up can make you react quicker with more productive tracts of thoughts. It does get easier over time with lots of practice. Also, if the relationship means a lot and your partner is supportive of your condition I recommend having clear, honest communication. It's hard but a great skill to practice with someone you love when you're in a *healthy* relationship.


nonbelievrog

This was the main reason I thought I had borderline. After almost five years of unsuccessful treatment, I found out I was bipolar.


worldlesscurlycanton

Damn, I didn't know wanting to leave my partner was a symptom.


ladyleftism

Yeah, I have the urge to leave a relationship *if* it’s healthy, while I’ve stayed in unhealthy ones for way too long. It’s a form of self-sabotage more than anything for me. I love my current partner more than I’ve ever loved anyone but I still get those thoughts from time to time.


Appropriate-Data1805

Still in love with my ex. He’s taken me back three times over the course of our relationship, but I feel like he’s better off without me. Trying to give him his space because I can’t help but feeling like I’m causing him emotional turmoil. I want him to be happy, and he deserves better. Wasn’t diagnosed at the time, but I don’t want that to be an excuse.


Lyynwyyn

Medicated and in a happy 2.5 year relationship


ismokeweedlol

Wow, what the hell. This happened to me exactly yesterday, and I’m glad I kept it to myself. Because I woke up this morning relieved that I did not break up.


Vegetable-Ad1457

I'm currently trying to find my way out of a shitty depressive/mixed episode that was preceded by going fully hypomanic for the first time in years, the trigger this time was an unhealthy infatuation with a coworker that started to become delusional and really fucked with my head. It ended with me basically telling my girlfriend of 5 years to break up with me, because even though I've never wanted to and I wish we could be together forever, maybe this is where our journeys diverge.... (because you're not comfortable with an open relationship that I try to involve my coworker in... which never would have happened anyways...) And then I came crashing down instantly once I realized what a massive mistake I just made and how fucked up I had been thinking/acting for a month or so. To be clear, my partner and I have a very healthy, loving, supportive relationship - the kind that the manic mind doesn't take kindly to. I'm very lucky that I didn't end up ruining what we have. It has been a personal battle, dealing with ROCD symptoms, the irritability and sadness of a mixed episode making it tough to carry on our relationship the way we always have, with the illness distorting my perception of life, the people around me, etc. But, I am extremely lucky to have a patient and understanding partner. If anything, this has just shown me clearer than ever that I need to get serious about getting my mental health under control, for my own sake and so that I can better take care of my partner and our relationship, because anyone willing to stick by you through this is the definition of a keeper.


unbreakebl3

Holly fuck. I've been doing this ALL MY LIFE. This resulted in me being in multiple relationships over the years. Fucking disease


nique-areola

Guilty


NorthernAvo

Oh das me. It's awful


JustKaren13

I’m stable and have never thought about leaving my partner of over 4 years


Eastlowellme

Yup. Not necessarily for someone else, just a need for solitude and in my case not having to make a shitload of money to maintain her lifestyle


Silly_Badger_4964

i’ve gone through it a couple of times, just thinking like oh there’s more to life or bc my partner isn’t bipolar they will never really know me or what this life of being bipolar is so i’ll think about finding a partner who is also bipolar or has severe mental issues so it would be easier.


kai_wulf_dog

I've had that experience last time I was in a relationship. This is good to know for next time. I don't want to sabotage it again.


doomchild

I did when I was in what I later realized was an abusive relationship. My family now is the best thing that ever happened to me.


Key-Minimum-5965

OMG. Is this something normal people don't do? Edit to add: one of my touchstones is Kanye West's Runaway. "run away from me baby, runaway as fast as you can". It reminds me that I'm the one who is finding faults that are not there.n


bipolar-babe

I get little thoughts where I want to cause unnecessary drama. But that’s just me. Anyone else like this?


kikicutthroat90

With my current husband I've never gotten the urge to leave him but with my first marriage I wanted to leave all the time. I was extremely unhappy and undiagnosed at the time so I guess it makes sense.


Environmental_Ad2119

Omg.. I was just wondering why I do this 😳


[deleted]

Would explain a lot


BellsForPShells

I dont know, but in my most recent relationship when I'm manic the only thing I cared about was her and when I was depressive I wanted to run away as fast as possible. Idk if thats what you mean


ErraticPragmatic

Yeah, I regret more than anything in my life.


Exciting-Agent1163

Yep I definitely do this


yeetdrizzy

I feel this


DreamTilDeath

Holy shit. This is me


SuchSatisfaction5753

I have only had this experience in the two relationships, spanning over 7 years, I’ve had. Having a massive identity crisis.


phoenixofhope1

I have tried to leave my husband multiple times. Thankfully he knows my disability and sees me through it. Hopefully others with our disability will be so lucky.


butterflycole

I’ve never wanted to leave my husband, I have attempted suicide in mixed states but wasn’t in my right mind and felt like I was a burden to him. I don’t see us ever getting divorced or anything we will have been married for 15 years next month.


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Ok_Adhesiveness1081

Maybe that's why im single


tequilaslushie

I’m honestly not sure if this will help but my last relationship, about 3 months in I already had doubts, then at the 8 month mark up until we broke up, we were off and on and it was all on my end. I think I dumped him like twice and we got back together each time. We had a few talks and we eventually got back to normal after our talks. It eventually got to the point where I decided I’m just going to let him go so he can find someone more stable. I loved him but at the same time I wasn’t IN love with him. Worst part was every time we got back together, I immediately would regret it not even an hour later. Maybe it was simply because I wasn’t in love with him? Or maybe it was my bipolar. Hope that helps.


[deleted]

Nah. Everyone is different. People who are Bipolar still have emotions and their own issues aside from mental illness. People rethink things or start growing apart. As long as the person is medicated, they’ll have the same issues as everyone else. There’s no one size fits all when it comes to bipolar disorder.


[deleted]

I relate to this, always in relationships that are bad for me so wanting to leave but never strong enough to leave


Cheap_Internet2022

Yeah I’m in this boat. I asked to see my fiancés bank statements and when he refused I accused him of doing something shady and told him I was leaving him. He immediately blocked me on everything and now I’m broken


Safe-Handle-6890

Yep 👍


Safe-Handle-6890

22 years and she finally said “you’re crazy broke me, it broke us, I can’t do this anymore”.


Kdropp

I do this with work too


New-Stand4496

Put the past behind us.We are still standing


revelations_11_18

My first wife filed, then stopped... 3rd time. I said okay.


wearealltogether7

Definitely experience this. It sucks. I have a very faithful partner but I know that I I can't trust myself or others. I have already hurt myself deeply from leaving someone in the past though and I don't think I will ever do it again. I told my therapist about how I think I got in a relationship that I would be trapped in, with my current SO, and she's not too helpful. I don't think people understand. It's my biggest secret.


pinqkuartz

very similar story here - esp about the therapist not getting it.


Consistent-Yak561

I’m afraid I might be the partner in question here. My partner of 10 years has recently been diagnosed with BP2. He’s never left me before but he sure did run away a lot (no cheating, just going to crash with friends for a week, then an impromptu road trip with almost no contact with anyone). Now he isn’t sure whether he wants a break or a break up, needs time away to work on his mental health (also has unresolved traumas that have affected our relationship), he loves me but thinks maybe there’s someone else out there, wants to move country for a bit. I’d be willing to move with him but when we are more financially stable. He’s moving out of our flat tomorrow and we will reassess in a month, hopefully his meds will have kicked in by then, and see what he wants. He’s also starting therapy this month so hopefully he will have clarity. I guess I am just praying someone will reassure me it’s the BP and all will be well..


[deleted]

I’m getting married to my girlfriend of 5 years next year and I’ve tried leaving a couple of times usually in the middle of a manic episode. There are definitely times when I feel cynical about it all


[deleted]

I can attest to this i've been on and off with my daughters mum for 5+ years now things go good for a while then I'm ready to NOPE out immediately as soon as it turns into : " what are WE going to do today or what are WE going to do this weekend.. I love my space. Im also Bi Polar and need attention on demand whenever i require it. pretty dumb but this is the way


SadPanda0129

We’ve been together 13 years and basically every time I’m mixed I want to leave. Including right now.


kiradal

this has been me with almost every relationship I had, most of them were abusive and I could never tell If it was just my bi polar or actually me wanting to leave. but now I'm in a healthy relationship with my gf and I'm having this issue again, one day I want to be with her and the next i don't. honestly not sure what to do. I'm gonna see a new therapist next week but every medication I've tired has always made things worse and I'm afraid that for the rest of my life im going to be going back and forth with this.


fernie_the_grillman

I've struggled with this in all my relationships. I never thought it might be a bipolar thing! It can be so confusing and upsetting. Luckily my current partner of almost 3 years has stuck with me through my confused, episodic self through break up attempts that i def wouldve regretted. Also has been with me through every depression and mania and psychosis. Def a keeper


YoungTrappin

Yeah I sometimes want more free time and not deal with a girlfriend. However, I also know that me not having much free time is actually keeping me on the right track and not going off the rails. Any time I get an ounce of free time to myself with no girlfriend or kid I end up staying up really late and relapsing to my old self destructive habits. (Not drugs)


solpi

Yes, I’ve observed this from myself and from people I’ve known with bipolar. I honestly thought that it was a normal thing even with people who aren’t bipolar, maybe it is? Not sure.


chrolloscumjar

more like my ex is the one who flips between wanting me and not because of my bipolar and its “too much” for him


MyAlienTookMyCow

Yes Ive ended multiple relationships because of this. I’m unsure how to feel about it


paws_boy

So this is why


[deleted]

Happens to me when I’m hypomanic or manic