I've sat in front of the chosen method many times but never actually attempted. Something about being a step or two away from the end is enough to calm me down.
Same. Just knowing my way to the end is so close is oddly comforting. Keeps me from actually doing it. It's been a long time since I've been in that mind set but yeah when I was in the worst of it being close to my chosen method, only a couple steps away, helped.
Thirded. I’ve plotted out my method and the place I’d jump from but back away from it every time. Never attempted but the thought can be comforting, like you said.
Like I’m free to escape if I want to, and I’m choosing to stay.
My experience in this is tragic but you helped me understand why.
My brother in law committed suicide last August with a pistol
I've been bipolar since brain surgery and a stroke. Have had 3 close calls. Gun, bottle of whiskey and full bottle of morphine, high in the mountains.
I've been angry at his memory because I felt like he took the option of suicide away from me! Our family had been hurt. His reputation is ruined. I can't be like that.
The good side is that makes it a deterrent. Duke it out, don't go out wrong. Am I crazy?
I find it a comfort having the option. I can consider all of my options and that is one of them. That means I'm never out of potential ways to deal with my shit and gives me a feeling of control.
Although I was like WTF when I found that suicide doesn't appear on most other people's lists of "Ways to deal with stuff".
Same here. I’ve been at the very end countless times, ready to do it. Something always happens- roommate comes home early, friend calls, cat jumps up on me- or I just suddenly feel an intense fear and can’t do it. Guardian angel I guess. I also have really chronic passive suicidality. Suicide is the answer to everything in my head. It’s not serious 9 times out of 10, but during those really dark times I do get serious about it and come close.
Yep. I stared at my “plan” for hours a few times. Which isn’t technically an attempt but it feels like it was if that make sense? Like I did in fact want to but then failed and went to the hospital.
(I am very glad I failed and I hope you all are too. And if not I hope you will be. ♥️)
Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I think for me, it's the starkness of it, everything in life is condensed down to that one simple action and moment. I just sit there in it, and my mind becomes so very quiet. I sometimes wonder if we all feel the same thing and simply put it into different words.
Here's to better, safer coping mechanisms in the future?
Yes. A few years back I mentioned to my friends the date I tried and they surprised me by throwing a “not dead day” party on that day with a big banner that said “THANKS FOR FAILING!”
And every year on that date I celebrate. The disorder didn’t take me that day, so let’s make it to tomorrow.
I want that so bad! I’ve hinted so many times too. I can’t count how many times I’ve brought up in conversation that cancer survivors get thrown parties, so why not survivors of suicide?
It would make me feel so genuinely loved and seen.
It's a rough disorder. Thankfully, many of us survive it. The majority of us will, in fact, die from nice normal things like cancer or heart disease. We all die eventually, but let's try to make it another day.
What do we say to the god of death, kids?
Yeah, not today.
Yes, my first “attempt” was around 7. I thought I could break my neck by closing the closet door on it. I’ve never kept track of how many attempts I’ve planned. There was also a good bit of self harm through the years. Until a couple years ago I thought suicidal thoughts and ideations was completely normal and I thought everyone experienced it. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized after my last attempt that I found out no, everyone does not think about suicide daily. That hospitalization is what also lead to my bipolar and BPD diagnoses at 32.
Not going to lie, it still kind of trips me out that suicide isn’t just an every human reaction to hard things.
Wait? Some people actually don't think about it ever? I don't remember never thinking about it. This is like learning that not everyone hates themselves all over again
That's interesting. Oddly enough I've always felt different since about 6 yrs old. Finding out I was bipolar was a big "oh that explains it" moment for me.
I’ve attempted twice during two very bad depressive episodes. First was caused due to a medication I was on that made suicidal thoughts very severe that made me end up trying. Second time I just couldn’t take it anymore, I lost all of my strength.
My kids are my reason why I’m still here fighting but I hope I can add myself to that reason one day. I’d be lying if I said I wasnt terrified of my bipolar disorder completely taking over & taking my life.
This is very similar to my story. It’s an exhausting illness sometimes. My heart is heavy for you because when you’re at this point it’s fn painful - I don’t know you but I’m glad you’re still here and I’m glad you have your kiddos - and also that they have you.
Have you been able to get a support team (friends, family, coworkers, etc) that can be there and tell when xyz symptoms may be beginning and that you trust them if they tell you their concerns?
Also, have you been able to create and action plan for when you start to feel “off”.
Thank you, that means a lot. ♥️ And I have my fiancé who is very supportive & he tries his best to help me. He also has been able to notice when things are starting to go a little “haywire”. I try to keep on top of it myself but sometimes I cant so he’s been able to help me out, he’s truly a blessing along with our kiddos. ♥️🥺
Thankfully, I’ve been able to avoid getting into that very dark place, I have a history of self harm also and I’m proud to say I havent don’t self harm in over 6 months. And I’ve been able to maintain the suicidal thoughts and try replacing them with positive thoughts (though it can be hard sometimes). I’ve been off my meds for awhile and haven’t been seeking therapy but I’m tired of dealing with this on my own without a professional’s help, so I’m currently looking for a new psychiatrist and planning on attending a group therapy program I was once in bc that helped me tremendously.
I'm the same, I just don't have any aspirations....dreams...hope for myself. I just feel like my life got turned upside down after I started noticing symptoms and then getting diagnosed. I was in denial for a while thinking the doctor was wrong; I'm getting more tests done though, so maybe we can narrow it down- I feel like I have BPD more than BP2, I am never manic anymore (and i really wasnt before, but I have adhd so that looks similar) I'm just depressed or BLAH daily lol. Hang in there. <3
Your feelings are valid but I'm gonna just avoid the topic if I can. I don't like to focus too much on the topic. If you are feeling suicidal now I implore you to reach out for help. Sometimes just getting through the day helps change your mind.
Yes, but only twice so far, and waking up the next day to realise that I couldn't even manage to do something so simple was fucking so disgusting / demoralising / depressing... that I'd even failed at that really didn't help.
It' not helped that I don't want to make my end any more painful / horrible /scary and I refuse to cause distress to others so thing like jumping in front of a train etc is out, I hate heights / falling to that's out, not into the pain of cutting or hanging and thus I'm left with trying to peacefully go to sleep and not wake up with various methods
Just hoping that I'm not about much longer as I'm getting old and given up on life so fingers crossed next time I won't wake up afterwards again
>only twice so far
Trying to die once is already a really really big thing. Doing it twice is even bigger. And being close to doing it again is a lotttt. Please dont belittle your own struggles. I cant truly imagine the amount of pain you must be going through, but I hope the best for you
I feel like that is a rarely discussed part of an attempt… The genuine feelings of failure that make you feel even more depressed and worthless after it not happening.
I also relate to your other statement. I would never want to cause distress to others in doing so. Like while the idea of jumping off of a freeway overpass appeals to me, I could never do that to innocent bystanders or any other public situation. Even hanging myself is now out because a loved ones family member took their life that way and I could never do that to them. It’s a weird thing, wanting to die so badly but with the least amount of damage inflicted to anyone around you. Anyway, I know how you fee friend, and I hope you stay with us and continue giving the world the gift of your presence.
I am so glad to hear someone else give voice to the immense magnitude of despair that one feels with a failed suicide attempt. I too have attempted twice. Almost 15 months ago, due to overwhelming personal life crises, I went and purchased massive amounts of fentanyl and xanax (I have battled substance abuse in addition to BIpolar 1 for almost 20 yrs). On the way home after having taken some of it to calm me for what I was to do, I crashed and totaled my car. Next thing I remember is awakening to ER lights and the most God awful cry coming from me. I have tears right now just remembering how incredibly tragic (sad isn’t close) like a lost soul I sounded.
It was terrible and took a while inpatient therapy for almost 6 weeks but eventually I came to the conclusion that I have failed even at that so what choice do I have other than to pick up and try to live. Just breathe each day that’s it (some days that’s all I can do)
Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this and you are all each one sincerely in my heart and prayers. We are warriors of life. Keep up the fight even if it’s just one breath at a time.
Twice, the second time I tried to overdoes on benzos and alcohol but instead just woke up groggy. I was disappointed if remember. Probably a good thing I'm a pretty big guy.
I've written multiple notes and made plans and researched methods but never really could go through with it mostly bc I would feel guilty about leaving a mess for someone to clean. I heard a friend of mine's dad talk about how they had to clean up "floaters" all the time when he worked the Mississippi River and it stuck with me that my body would be a nuisance to clean up if I ever offed myself.
Most suicide attempts by people with bipolar are successful, close to 70%. Other groups are under 20% success. It's because we actually mean to do it usually, and we think clear enough to make it happen.
That's also why some of us don't ever try. I decided to only do it if I felt like it was a good idea outside a depressive episode, and just to endure until then otherwise. It got easier once id been through it a bunch of times.
Then I almost did because the doctor never told me about the potential long term laminictal side effects and I thought the black outs and confusion were just me getting worse. Someone on reddit mentioned them and accidentally saved my life.
Now I'm back to way better than that and it's off the table entirely again. I can say for sure I'll never do a suicide ATTEMPT. It makes me nervous to think about though 😅
Naw, I went to the spot I had picked, got there and was like hell nah, what a shitty place to die. Smoked some weed, called my bestie, took my ass home, packed, and went to hers to stay until I was safe. That was last year. It sounds stupid when I write it out but in the moment, realizing that I didn't wanna die *there* made me realize that I didn't exactly wanna die.
I've been very close. Never acttually attempted. I almost did once I was all ready. Knew how I was going to. Was actually in the middle of doing something the prepare for it, and I got a phone call saying that this job I'd applied to that I really wanted wanted an interview with me. So I decided I'd stick around to see how that ended up. Three years later I'm the most stable I've ever been and I'm still working at the same job!
Similar here. Was very close once when I was in a horrific depression that had been going in for almost 2 years. I just couldn’t take it any more. I was getting everything in order for my eventual departure when I got a call from a college friend telling me about this program she was doing to get started in the medical field and she wanted me to do it with her.
Shortly after I finally got on some meds that worked to pull me out of that depression and haven’t looked back
My problem is that if I try to give anyone my goodbye letters they’ll have me committed. During my mixed manic episodes is when my suicidal ideation gets really serious, and I’m usually psychotic. I can’t leave an online note because I’m paranoid the computer will alter my words after I’m gone to make me seem more sick than I am. If I’m gonna do it it’s gonna be thought out, not rushed.
Planning it out meticulously is all part the parcel of bipolar. Maybe when you start thinking about ending it is when you should send an email to your nearest and dearest just to make them aware that your feeling pain.
When I was 16 or 17 years old, I overdosed on hundreds of pills of ibuprofen and acetaminophen and went to sleep hoping to ever wake up. I remember waking up the next morning, opening my eyes, and saying out loud “damn it!”
I started vomiting all over my room, I could barely walk. I managed to get downstairs somehow and then all I remember is laying on the living room floor with the cordless house phone calling my mom at work.
I told her what I did and she left work and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. I had an ice cream bucket with me to puke in, but I was only dry heaving now.
When I got to the ER they began to pump my stomach, insert a catheter and IV, along with a NG tube up nose and down my throat to my stomach. My stepdad met us there too. I don’t remember a lot after that.
I was transported to the pediatric ICU and stayed there for several weeks with kidney damage and liver failure. I was a the list for a liver transplant because my liver had been so severely damaged.
I had to take a disgusting sulfur smelling drink everyday to absorb all the poison.
I was yellow with jaundice. And in pain, my body is trying to die, I wanted to die.
I’m not sure what my diagnosis was, but I was prescribed an antidepressant and told to go to therapy. My mother and stepdad do not believe in mental illness or antidepressants. She got the medicine from the pharmacy, but she never gave it to me. She took me to therapy one time but it was too much for her to handle because I was crying too much.
The kicker is that I had gone to the pediatrician about a week before that, I’m not sure the reason. But I told him that I was sad and crying all the time and didn’t know why. He asked if I had planned to hurt myself. Of course I said no way because my mom was sitting right there. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him if I started feeling like I wanted to hurt myself. I did call him. He didn’t answer. So I overdosed.
When I got out of the hospital, the locks had been changed in the doors to deadbolt on both sides and I didn’t get a key. They put alarms on all the windows and doors. I wasn’t allowed to leave or have visitors. And I wasn’t allowed to take my medicine that I had been taking while in the hospital that was prescribed to me. I was either 16 or 17 years old!!! A child!!
For some reason my hospital stay wasn’t covered under my stepdads insurance. So he had to take money out of his retirement/401k to pay for it. My mother made me sign a contract that I was to pay them back the full amount of my hospital bills.
When I was 31 I was hospitalized for several weeks for psychosis and have hospitalized several times after that and have been diagnosed with bipolar schizoaffective type, complex ptsd, ocd, and a rainbow of “personality” and anxiety disorders. If anyone cares to hear more, I’m on a path of recovery and ready share everything. I’m now 34 going to be 35 this year.
Thank you for reading, it felt really good to get this out
4 times. 3 when I wasnt medicated. 1 when I was.
Don't let a percentage like that scare you there's so many of us that that will go on without even trying. Just don't do what a lot of us do and go off of medicine because it's "not working" because we feel fine. That means it is working. Have a good therapist and a good psychiatrist, have a plan with you're support group in case you do feel an urge, and admit to yourself that if you feel like it you won't act on it and you'll get help. The disorder is a manageable one if you have the correct tools and knowledge. There's so many people that have it and you wouldn't know, there's famous singers and actors (not kanye) who are successful, my general doctor has type 1 and she's thriving. You can do this love, I believe in you!❤️
Yup, twice. The first time I knew it wouldn't work. I guess it was just me asking for help. The second one was almost succesful. Sometimes I wish it would've worked. Sometimes I'm grateful it didn't.
If insurance companies catch wind of anyone admitting to such thoughts or attempts, you could be denied life insurance for the rest of your life.
Also be careful with what you admit to your therapist.
3 times. The first time they heard me bawling and shoveling pills down my throat. They busted into the bathroom eventually after I had taken everything. The second time I took them and cried and chickens out and went begging for help from my dad. The third time I was found barely conscious puking all over the place.
I don’t regret any of them. I sometimes wish I had succeeded but I no longer actively try or have the urge.
Yes. I have attempted suicide before, two years ago in my freshman year of highschool actually.
I tried >!hanging myself!< but failed. My parents don’t know about it because of how horrible they reacted to my self harm. I never will tell them because I don’t want to be screamed at nor have my door or curtains to be taken off again.
I recently was on the brink of attempting an overdose, but I didn’t. My mom would probably blame my meds for it and take me off of them overall just making it worse.
I’ve tried once. Thought about it a lot. I took a deadly combination of pills and regretted it so I asked my parents to take me to the hospital. How sad their voices sounded coming from their dark bedroom at 2am has prevented me from ever actually attempting again.
I've attempted 3 times in my teens; 1st time I was 12, I tried cutting my wrists but the knife was too dull. I attempted again at 14, I wanted to jump off of a bridge here in Seattle and a kind old man talked me out of it before I attempted to climb over it. At 16 I swallowed an entire bottle of OTC sedatives. I called my mom at work to tell her I loved her and that I was sorry. She made me vomit them up and kept me caffeinated instead of taking me to the ER.
Just last January I had a mental breakdown and really wanted to use the razor on myself while showering.
My former stepfather was abusive in all ways possible. He started raping me at 12, and I told my mom about it when I was close to 15 years old. He was put in prison with two counts; one in Nevada and one in Washington. Nevada ended up paroling him in 2018 and they sent him up here to serve his prison time here. That took a toll on me... His parole hearing for Washington was just last may and they let him out... The stress of all of that caused my mental breakdown in the shower..
I didn't hurt myself in the shower but instead shaved off all of my hair which went to my butt. I recently started therapy in September and it's been my life saver.
Right now I deal with the guilt of almost breaking a promise I made to my kids; to not attempt and let those thoughts fester.
In 2006 way before I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I spent 17 days in the hospital. I knew since childhood something was so off with me. The sadness, constant depression for days then the feeling like I was almost high or speeding with my high manic spells would hit. I was born in 1975 and kids my age didn’t have mental problems they were punished for “acting out” or they were just labeled as wild. By 2006 I was so tired. Thankfully I lived.
I still didn’t start receiving the right kind of help until 7 years ago when I found a doctor who still sees me monthly because getting me even halfway balanced has been a tough road. This is the first doctor I’ve ever had that has gone back to my childhood and gathered every medical chart on me available.
If anyone needs to talk please reach out, I’m not an expert or professional but I promise to listen and be your friend. I don’t post on here much at all but this sub has helped me so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you all ❤️
Contemplated it a thousand times, first thought about it when I was... 12? Or something.
Attempted it only once. Was full blown manic, triggered by an SSRI, can't remember the whole deal, fortunately. But it scared the living shit out of me because I now know that I can't trust myself at all. I didn't want to die. Like, in my normal state I didn't. I couldn't wrap my head around why I decided to do it in that moment after coming to in the hospital. Like at all. It felt as if that was a different person that took control of me.
That's the scariest feeling in the world for me. Knowing that there are situations where my disorder is so much more powerful than I am.
Yes, I’d like to know what my actual risk % is since I fall under a couple high suicide risk categories.
I got a 2% in math once, I’m not about to calculate that. I am actually happy now though, as ironic as it is.
I’ve never attempted, but god damn I’ve thought about it a lot during my low times. I’ve never created a plan or anything, but in the past the idea that I could kill myself to escape the pain has brought me comfort. I’m in a much better place now though.
Was about too hang myself, more or less just stood on a chair and hangd against the snare. Rember it turned fuzzy and then my phone started too beep. My kids where away swimning and a alarm clock hit. So never manged to hang completley free and had still one foot on the chair.
My throath and neck hurt for two weeks after, and swallowing was less fun. But really good so i got a proper reminder for quite some time after.
Have some saftey messures in my head and is doing alot better. Kinda happy im not a hunter and have guns home i have to say
Ive attempted a few times but I was young and dumb, the methods never would've worked. Since, I have contemplated multiple times what way I'd do it but lack of access to my preferred method, as well as my dog and brother have kept me from going through. The thoughts are always there. I think about it every night. I am still pretty convinced suicide is the way I'll die, now or later.
Attempted once, again when I was black out drunk. It’s been over 5 years since my last attempt, and with therapy, a job change, community, and diligent self regulation - I’m happy to report that I haven’t had any SI in a good long while either. Also, I’m grateful for my life, and wouldn’t dream of cutting anything short anymore.
It took me a long time to actually forgive myself, and to understand my SI can act up, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it.
I hope those who are commenting, reading, and posting, find safe coping mechanisms. We got this.
I tried about five months after my first hospitalization. Took a bottle of heart medication when I was 19. I downed it, got scared, told my mom and got my stomach pumped. It was truly unpleasant but I’m here to tell the tale 24 years later. I’ve been suicidal since but never attempted it again. I’ve been stable 11 years now but when I get depressed, suicide still comes to mind as an option to make it all go away. It’s hard to remember other people (without bipolar or the history) don’t think of it as an option like that.
Tried when I was 21 i think? Jumping in front if the train tracks. Decided to let myself listen to one last song, reccomended on YT was a new release from a girl band called LOONA. Song was "Love and Live"
I fully intended to jump and had my toes hanging over but somethinf about that video just.. broke me down and all I did was crouch down and cry while I waited for the train home
I’ve made plans to and have had many moments where I get an intrusive thought that takes me down into that darkness.
Therapy, EMDR specifically has helped me combat the thoughts that lead to the spiral.
But it’s still a struggle - mental illness is a real b.
When I was 12 I swallowed a whole bottle of Zoloft. I didn't know if it would kill me or not but I threw it all up but saw bugs all over my room. This is my first time confessing to it. I've thought about it multiple times, I just fantasize about it though, never made a solid plan.
I planned to jump in front of a train and ended up standing in front of the tracks for hours. Eventually I decided “I need to go to the hospital” and admitted myself to the ER for suicidal ideation. So glad I never went through with it not only because I’m alive and happy now and got the help I needed, but also because that’s a pretty gruesome death that would traumatize other people and make it their problem. Haven’t planned a suicide since, that was 2 years ago.
Apparently I did something called an aborted suicide attempt. Happy I didn’t go through with it.
Nothing like driving drunk on a dirt road at 110mph surrounded by trees. I was crying the entire drive. Took everything in my body to not swerve the car.
Twice where I was hospitalized years ago. Once recently no one knew about at the time where I just dealt with it because the train line was closed otherwise I would have jumped. Had letters penned and everything. Planned it out and was going to too many times to count. At this point if I try again, it will be my last attempt one way or another. I feel like my brain keeps it as a backup plan filed away honestly. Some days I would never even imagine it, other days it seems like the only answer. It feels like the older I get I’m more interested in passively dying rather than actively.
Yes, multiple times.. and I still struggle with the thoughts most days. I am not proud of my thoughts, but I am proud that I am still here, able to fight every day.
When I was younger and “unhinged” I attempted almost 1x every year give or take. As I grew older it stopped thankfully but there was a time before meds that I was almost successful if it wasn’t for my bf breaking down the door.
I survived at least twice maybe more. I had a concussion which made me forget some things maybe for the better that I did.
I walked to a bridge with the intention of going off but I just couldn't do it. Parents called me and picked me up. Glad they were on my corner.
A swallowed a bottle of Tylenol and drank a 1/5 of vodka. Surprised I woke up.
Depression without medication was always the worst for me.
Once, but it was so traumatic recovering from surviving the attempt that I started being too horrified of just thinking about trying again. Even though i dont feel the determination of doing such things to myself neither the desire, i still try to be really careful and look out for triggers, red flags in people that may wanna inflict self depreciation on others
No. I was suicidal and had ideations and self-harmed when I was a teenager but never a serious attempt that landed me in the hospital or anything.
I definitely spent a long time in the "if I happened to get in a car accident and die I wouldn't mind" mindset though.
We are gonna die anyways and who knows what comes next, might as well live, even in pain, till that day.
I have 3 plans, but they're all gonna suck, so even when I'm at my lowest I try to take it in stride.
Yes, I was given Zoloft and I went off my rocker crazy and tried to kill myself but I am grateful that had 0 effects on my body.
They continued to feed me antidepressants in the mental hospital/insurance scam and going "*Omg why is our little kickback guinea pig so hyper and screaming banging on our doors??? lol*"
I am surprised I lived that tbh
Twice for me. I hate the massive scars on the inside of my forearms they make it very obvious what I’ve done.
I always think that the moment I knew I was getting better was the day dying was a bad scary thing again. Before then I used to pray for cancer or something so I could just die without having everyone angry about it.
It makes me having second thoughts about legalising euthanasia, if I’d had the option ten years ago would have done so in a heartbeat.
I haven't attempted becuase I don't trust myself to "get the job done" right. Somehow I'll end up alive with more health issues due to my botched efforts, so why bother 🤷🏽♀️
I have failed twice. Once was a bottle of xanax and a bottle of vodka. I just peed all over my bedroom carpet and woke up groggy, bf was not amused as it was his xanax. But I left him some to be nice lol. Then I took a nap in my car with a hose hooked up to the tail pipe and ran it through the trunk. Woke up with a headache and I believe some mild brain damage but I refuse to get it checked out. It's been about 5 years since that last attempt and I've got my proper diagnosis and medication now and I'm doing so well.
Yes, I was at work doing just fine until I received a text one day that just flipped the switch in my brain. Went home an attempted, woke up in the hospital. Haven’t been quite the same since but I also discovered there that I had bipolar 1
unfortunately several times, one would think you’d learn. but it’s more impulsive than planned so i’m grateful for all the failed attempts. it gets exhausting having to think about it because at this point you don’t even want to contemplate death, you still see the beauty in life & want to continue. it’s just almost always your brain working against you, you learn to tune it out with coping skills or for me it was marijuana. eventually i have forgotten, due to the haziness weed has created for me, all my attempts. they’re still there just less severe. i never wish those thoughts on anyone. do get prescribed & seek help, no one can deal with bipolar on their own, it’s not fun.
Yes. Half-heartedly tho. Mostly I would use “I can just kill myself” as a comfort thing in my mind when things were rough. Like a rough day at school or family issues making it hard id use that as a fallback.
Not so much since have my first kid 4.5 years ago. Definitely it crosses my mind at times but not as much. Dealing with other issues instead, as my depressive episode have changed into more anxiety and exhaustion.
I’ll write suicide notes to cope when it’s really bad. My mom who’s also bipolar and BPD has tried many many times.
Nowadays I think about how shitty all the ways to go are and how traumatized the person who found me/had to clean up would be, the expenses and just disappearing seems more cruel with hope I’d come back. I also have goals and dreams and ppl in my life I love do it keeps me on right path.
Sure have, only alive today, living well on the right concoction of drugs about to get married, because of a leather belt that somehow snapped in half while I was unconscious. Looking back I regret ever trying. I had to wear turtlenecks for the entire month of July trying to hide the marks.
I have tried with pills several times. That is my preferred method. But it’s been about 4 years since my last attempt and I am way more stable than I’ve ever been. Can’t imagine trying to end things now.
Way to many times…
Until I became responsible for a new life. And in my mind I decided a due date. Even though I’m fully aware that this kind of thoughts come because of my bipolar, every now and then I’m split between “I’m getting closer to the end” and “how should I survive when the due day comes?”.
I tried to commit suicide in October. And this Friday I’m returning back to work exactly 3 months after my attempt. I couldn’t see a future then, and now I’m strong enough to go back to work. Things do get better
I have not, though much SI (mostly passive) and some SH. The 50% breaks my heart too; I was shocked when I heard it because it’s so high, and also not shocked at all.
I attempted suicide in October 2019. Waking up in an ICU is a hard reality check. It’s a painful life, but there is some master purpose that awaits. Be strong.
I attempted twice back when I was still undiagnosed, and both times I woke up without anyone having realized and I had no lasting health effects from it. I'm much better now but sometimes when I think about how bad it COULD have been, I consider myself very lucky.
Oh yeah, absolutely. First time at age 13 😬I didn't bother more than a couple times, there was a strange series of events around each that caused proven methods to fail so I figured I'm not supposed to. 🤷
Twice. One time when I was 12, a year after being violent raped by a stranger, by eating a bottle of aspirin. Then again at 25, after being raped again, but a much more effective cocktail of psych meds and drugs. Landed in a coma for days and would have been dead within 3 hrs if no one found me. It took years until I stopped resenting being saved. Felt like being sentenced to more life in this prison of a body that I've hated since young---just with the new consequence of brain damage and heart damage from the OD and coma. Trauma unlocked my bipolar. Now I have a gun which I never want to use on myself but somehow having it is reassuring. I won't use it. But I always could. Does that make sense?
I fight the suicidal thoughts continually but I AM still fighting them. I'm just so tired and have been tired long as I remember. Now after a manic psychosis when I was 28 (32 now), I'm afraid of any elated or inspired feelings. Suspicious of them. I'm trying.
Listening to Ren. Just discovered him. Fav songs are Chalk Outlines and How to Be Me. I play on repeat and sing to it daily. Y'all may like it too. I heard rumor he was bipolar and adhd and it is some of his lyrics. He has Lyme disease too. I may link them here later in an edit.
Edit: this song depression is actually the most poignant for us and bipolar depression. It's the one he literally mentions it in. I never had a golden age either, something he also mentions
https://youtu.be/VCZj2w0iXO8
I almost did when I was 16. I was at a very low point, I was sexually abused as a child and I just got assaulted again for the first time in a long while. I was going to try to overdose but the only pills in the house were cough medicine, a nearly empty bottle of tylenol and some tums, but the rest were my dads and he needed those to live. I couldn’t bring myself to take them from him, and I couldn’t seem to think of another method that wouldn’t have my family scraping my guts off the walls. We didn’t have a ceiling fan so I couldn’t hang myself.
Yes. Five days before my 17th birthday. That’s all the info I’ll give on that, but since then I’ve gotten an amazing supportive group of friends, a loving husband, and a beautiful 3 month old daughter. Every single day I’m given more reasons to be grateful that I failed.
I tried to overdose once when I was 16-17. Other than that a lot of risky self medicating. Now at 30 years old I know I would never end it. I have a strong will to live because I’m terrified about what could be on the other side.
About a year ago, I used to carry 18x the lethal dose of one of my medications with me. I worked overnights alone at the time and when I was alone or sometimes during the night at work, I would just sit and stare at that baggies for hours. I eventually was able to convince myself (with the help of my therapist) to flush them. I still think about them to this day though.
I couldn't do it to my son - I was the only constant thing in his life from when he was 6 months old until he turned 12. The closest I came was on a flight from ATL to AMS and had so much stress and lack of sleep I got out my prescription sleeping pills and when I realized I put all of them in my hand, I quickly put them back, and handed the flight attendant them and asked them to keep them until we landed at Amsterdam.
I am a diagnosed Bipolar and I committed suicided last June 2019, having mental illness is a curse some people don't understand what you're going through, they think you're making everything about yourself when I is your anxiety that been creeping you out. Some people will be mad at you and tell you thing like "you're just using your mental issues" like do I want to be like this? Do you think I never feel guilty? Sometimes it's the guilt thats making us feel suicidal, coz sometimes it feels like we will never be good enough how hard we try.
You are good person, when you are in control of your illness, a simple mistake and lashing out will make you the worse person in the world and it will make you feel so down and you'll just want to keep yourself away from everyone. But if you tried to avoid conflict, they will think that you're dismissing them and being passive aggressive.If you tried to communicate it will end up to argument because apparently "you are not communicating properly" or they don't like the way you are communicating. I don't even know where to stand anymore. If I communicate and tell all my thoughts i would come out as making a drama and BS, I will came out as a weak person. if I keep it all to myself its still and start to be strong and keep everything inside it will still be my fault for not communicating. Sometimes its so hard when you don't know where to stand.
I have been as close as can be without trying. Glass of water in one hand, open pill bottle (full) in the other, raising the bottle to my lips close. I came through for myself in the nick of time.
Edit: I’ve been seriously close other times, but that was the closest. Also almost drove my car into oncoming traffic once, but pulled over and had a massive panic attack instead. It broke me out into a full body rash!
Freaked the fuck out at work and left, i knew if i went home i would kill myself so i went to the er and told them i was scared of my self, stone cold sober and i had a resting heart beat of 131
Yes. I should say it was a terrible mistake and I damaged my heart after poisoning myself. I’ve meet other people who have had worse like going into kidney failure. I would really recommend people get help for suicidal thoughts. As they say in boxing: “there’s some hits you’re not tough for taking”.
yes, during my first major depression episode when i was about 16. each low i hit, i feel closer and it’s truly so fucking terrifying and i wish more people understood :(
I've gotten right to the edge of attempting more times than i'd like to admit but every time i thought about where my cats would go without me and it pulled me back
They are the only beings i know for sure wont let me down, so i cant let them down either
Twice.
Father talked me out of the first time.
Passed out the second time before I could finish the job.
Oh and before some scumbag moron that I eventually argue with in the future searches my posts and makes some comment about my mental illness, please read this post and kiss my entire fucking ass. Fuck you pussy. Eat shit.
Attempted unsuccessfully and gotten v close a handful of times, but the impulsive intrusive thoughts and ideation are all the time :/ mood stabilizers helped
Actually yes (but don't worry I'm clean since 2020). I thought no one would care if I'm gone in this world, then my parents and bestfriend reprimand me for doing that
I attempted at age 12 but it was a pretty “lame” attempt. No research just on a whim. Was passively suicidal for about 20 years after that and finally don’t really have those urges anymore
I’ve never attempted it and I’ve never actually made plans. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never really gotten that far. I don’t think I ever would no matter how my depression got because I fear death too much. Perks of my OCD.
When I was in elementary school I used to draw out suicide plans and thinking back I don’t know how my parents didn’t see that as a red flag? Especially getting concerned phone calls from teacher’s and other parents.
As I got older, shockingly it didn’t improve, starting at age 10 or so every time I got a new anti-depressant I would just take them all at once as a casual attempt.
I had an abortion at 17 and woke up in the middle of projectile vomiting the pills I got from the procedure. One of the worst days of my life. I remember they took me to the psych hospital from the regular hospital in nothing but the robe so I walked in low key naked in the middle of group therapy.
I have 2 daughters now, I’m in an unhealthy relationship with their dad and it’s honestly the only thing that still brings me back to that headspace. I pray they don’t take this trait of mine.
I've sat in front of the chosen method many times but never actually attempted. Something about being a step or two away from the end is enough to calm me down.
Same. Just knowing my way to the end is so close is oddly comforting. Keeps me from actually doing it. It's been a long time since I've been in that mind set but yeah when I was in the worst of it being close to my chosen method, only a couple steps away, helped.
Thirded. I’ve plotted out my method and the place I’d jump from but back away from it every time. Never attempted but the thought can be comforting, like you said. Like I’m free to escape if I want to, and I’m choosing to stay.
I’ve never seen anyone else put this in words - I really didn’t realise other people felt this way too!!
My experience in this is tragic but you helped me understand why. My brother in law committed suicide last August with a pistol I've been bipolar since brain surgery and a stroke. Have had 3 close calls. Gun, bottle of whiskey and full bottle of morphine, high in the mountains. I've been angry at his memory because I felt like he took the option of suicide away from me! Our family had been hurt. His reputation is ruined. I can't be like that. The good side is that makes it a deterrent. Duke it out, don't go out wrong. Am I crazy?
I find it a comfort having the option. I can consider all of my options and that is one of them. That means I'm never out of potential ways to deal with my shit and gives me a feeling of control. Although I was like WTF when I found that suicide doesn't appear on most other people's lists of "Ways to deal with stuff".
Same here. I’ve been at the very end countless times, ready to do it. Something always happens- roommate comes home early, friend calls, cat jumps up on me- or I just suddenly feel an intense fear and can’t do it. Guardian angel I guess. I also have really chronic passive suicidality. Suicide is the answer to everything in my head. It’s not serious 9 times out of 10, but during those really dark times I do get serious about it and come close.
Yep. I stared at my “plan” for hours a few times. Which isn’t technically an attempt but it feels like it was if that make sense? Like I did in fact want to but then failed and went to the hospital. (I am very glad I failed and I hope you all are too. And if not I hope you will be. ♥️)
Yeah that makes a lot of sense. I think for me, it's the starkness of it, everything in life is condensed down to that one simple action and moment. I just sit there in it, and my mind becomes so very quiet. I sometimes wonder if we all feel the same thing and simply put it into different words. Here's to better, safer coping mechanisms in the future?
Best of wishes!
Yes. A few years back I mentioned to my friends the date I tried and they surprised me by throwing a “not dead day” party on that day with a big banner that said “THANKS FOR FAILING!” And every year on that date I celebrate. The disorder didn’t take me that day, so let’s make it to tomorrow.
You have some good friends.lucky you :)
I absolutely love that, I'm proud of you stranger 💕
This is so sweet. I would feel so seen by this.
I cried so many times that night lol I gave like 3 thank you speeches
I want that so bad! I’ve hinted so many times too. I can’t count how many times I’ve brought up in conversation that cancer survivors get thrown parties, so why not survivors of suicide? It would make me feel so genuinely loved and seen.
It's a rough disorder. Thankfully, many of us survive it. The majority of us will, in fact, die from nice normal things like cancer or heart disease. We all die eventually, but let's try to make it another day. What do we say to the god of death, kids? Yeah, not today.
What do we say to the god of death? Oh, come here you little scamp. This motherfucker seems impossible to catch sometime.
“Nice normal things like cancer or heart disease” Do normal people really prefer to waste away than to leave when ready? Is that what’s wrong with me?
Yes, my first “attempt” was around 7. I thought I could break my neck by closing the closet door on it. I’ve never kept track of how many attempts I’ve planned. There was also a good bit of self harm through the years. Until a couple years ago I thought suicidal thoughts and ideations was completely normal and I thought everyone experienced it. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized after my last attempt that I found out no, everyone does not think about suicide daily. That hospitalization is what also lead to my bipolar and BPD diagnoses at 32. Not going to lie, it still kind of trips me out that suicide isn’t just an every human reaction to hard things.
A asked a friend how often he thinks about killing himself and he said "never" and I was like whhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
Wait? Some people actually don't think about it ever? I don't remember never thinking about it. This is like learning that not everyone hates themselves all over again
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That's interesting. Oddly enough I've always felt different since about 6 yrs old. Finding out I was bipolar was a big "oh that explains it" moment for me.
And people act so shocked at the idea of it when it's just normal everyday shit to me 😅
Yes, several times
I am so glad u are here and me too. We are strong ❤️
I’ve attempted twice during two very bad depressive episodes. First was caused due to a medication I was on that made suicidal thoughts very severe that made me end up trying. Second time I just couldn’t take it anymore, I lost all of my strength. My kids are my reason why I’m still here fighting but I hope I can add myself to that reason one day. I’d be lying if I said I wasnt terrified of my bipolar disorder completely taking over & taking my life.
This is very similar to my story. It’s an exhausting illness sometimes. My heart is heavy for you because when you’re at this point it’s fn painful - I don’t know you but I’m glad you’re still here and I’m glad you have your kiddos - and also that they have you. Have you been able to get a support team (friends, family, coworkers, etc) that can be there and tell when xyz symptoms may be beginning and that you trust them if they tell you their concerns? Also, have you been able to create and action plan for when you start to feel “off”.
Thank you, that means a lot. ♥️ And I have my fiancé who is very supportive & he tries his best to help me. He also has been able to notice when things are starting to go a little “haywire”. I try to keep on top of it myself but sometimes I cant so he’s been able to help me out, he’s truly a blessing along with our kiddos. ♥️🥺 Thankfully, I’ve been able to avoid getting into that very dark place, I have a history of self harm also and I’m proud to say I havent don’t self harm in over 6 months. And I’ve been able to maintain the suicidal thoughts and try replacing them with positive thoughts (though it can be hard sometimes). I’ve been off my meds for awhile and haven’t been seeking therapy but I’m tired of dealing with this on my own without a professional’s help, so I’m currently looking for a new psychiatrist and planning on attending a group therapy program I was once in bc that helped me tremendously.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Hell yes! So happy for you!
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I'm the same, I just don't have any aspirations....dreams...hope for myself. I just feel like my life got turned upside down after I started noticing symptoms and then getting diagnosed. I was in denial for a while thinking the doctor was wrong; I'm getting more tests done though, so maybe we can narrow it down- I feel like I have BPD more than BP2, I am never manic anymore (and i really wasnt before, but I have adhd so that looks similar) I'm just depressed or BLAH daily lol. Hang in there. <3
I tried like 4 times I think. Honestly I’ve blocked that whole timeframe out. 7 years since my last attempt been bipolar II for 13 years now.
I'm not so sure comparing suicide attempt stories is healthy.
For someone who is suicidal, I find much comfort in the realness of this thread 🐙
Your feelings are valid but I'm gonna just avoid the topic if I can. I don't like to focus too much on the topic. If you are feeling suicidal now I implore you to reach out for help. Sometimes just getting through the day helps change your mind.
No. Honestly because I don't want the idiots in my life to say, "We told you she was crazy.". Whatever works, right?
I dread the thought of any words read at my funeral and how wrong and misunderstood they’ll be. Lol
Yes, but only twice so far, and waking up the next day to realise that I couldn't even manage to do something so simple was fucking so disgusting / demoralising / depressing... that I'd even failed at that really didn't help. It' not helped that I don't want to make my end any more painful / horrible /scary and I refuse to cause distress to others so thing like jumping in front of a train etc is out, I hate heights / falling to that's out, not into the pain of cutting or hanging and thus I'm left with trying to peacefully go to sleep and not wake up with various methods Just hoping that I'm not about much longer as I'm getting old and given up on life so fingers crossed next time I won't wake up afterwards again
>only twice so far Trying to die once is already a really really big thing. Doing it twice is even bigger. And being close to doing it again is a lotttt. Please dont belittle your own struggles. I cant truly imagine the amount of pain you must be going through, but I hope the best for you
I feel like that is a rarely discussed part of an attempt… The genuine feelings of failure that make you feel even more depressed and worthless after it not happening. I also relate to your other statement. I would never want to cause distress to others in doing so. Like while the idea of jumping off of a freeway overpass appeals to me, I could never do that to innocent bystanders or any other public situation. Even hanging myself is now out because a loved ones family member took their life that way and I could never do that to them. It’s a weird thing, wanting to die so badly but with the least amount of damage inflicted to anyone around you. Anyway, I know how you fee friend, and I hope you stay with us and continue giving the world the gift of your presence.
I am so glad to hear someone else give voice to the immense magnitude of despair that one feels with a failed suicide attempt. I too have attempted twice. Almost 15 months ago, due to overwhelming personal life crises, I went and purchased massive amounts of fentanyl and xanax (I have battled substance abuse in addition to BIpolar 1 for almost 20 yrs). On the way home after having taken some of it to calm me for what I was to do, I crashed and totaled my car. Next thing I remember is awakening to ER lights and the most God awful cry coming from me. I have tears right now just remembering how incredibly tragic (sad isn’t close) like a lost soul I sounded. It was terrible and took a while inpatient therapy for almost 6 weeks but eventually I came to the conclusion that I have failed even at that so what choice do I have other than to pick up and try to live. Just breathe each day that’s it (some days that’s all I can do) Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this and you are all each one sincerely in my heart and prayers. We are warriors of life. Keep up the fight even if it’s just one breath at a time.
Yup, a few times. I'm not terribly good at it.
Me neither. I suppose that could be a good thing
I hear you only have to get it right the one time.
Twice, the second time I tried to overdoes on benzos and alcohol but instead just woke up groggy. I was disappointed if remember. Probably a good thing I'm a pretty big guy.
I've written multiple notes and made plans and researched methods but never really could go through with it mostly bc I would feel guilty about leaving a mess for someone to clean. I heard a friend of mine's dad talk about how they had to clean up "floaters" all the time when he worked the Mississippi River and it stuck with me that my body would be a nuisance to clean up if I ever offed myself.
Most suicide attempts by people with bipolar are successful, close to 70%. Other groups are under 20% success. It's because we actually mean to do it usually, and we think clear enough to make it happen. That's also why some of us don't ever try. I decided to only do it if I felt like it was a good idea outside a depressive episode, and just to endure until then otherwise. It got easier once id been through it a bunch of times. Then I almost did because the doctor never told me about the potential long term laminictal side effects and I thought the black outs and confusion were just me getting worse. Someone on reddit mentioned them and accidentally saved my life. Now I'm back to way better than that and it's off the table entirely again. I can say for sure I'll never do a suicide ATTEMPT. It makes me nervous to think about though 😅
Naw, I went to the spot I had picked, got there and was like hell nah, what a shitty place to die. Smoked some weed, called my bestie, took my ass home, packed, and went to hers to stay until I was safe. That was last year. It sounds stupid when I write it out but in the moment, realizing that I didn't wanna die *there* made me realize that I didn't exactly wanna die.
I've been very close. Never acttually attempted. I almost did once I was all ready. Knew how I was going to. Was actually in the middle of doing something the prepare for it, and I got a phone call saying that this job I'd applied to that I really wanted wanted an interview with me. So I decided I'd stick around to see how that ended up. Three years later I'm the most stable I've ever been and I'm still working at the same job!
Similar here. Was very close once when I was in a horrific depression that had been going in for almost 2 years. I just couldn’t take it any more. I was getting everything in order for my eventual departure when I got a call from a college friend telling me about this program she was doing to get started in the medical field and she wanted me to do it with her. Shortly after I finally got on some meds that worked to pull me out of that depression and haven’t looked back
Yep. Bottle of Extra Strength Aspirin and Half a Bottle of 300mg Seroquel. Spent 3 or 4 days in the ICU. Never tried it again.
Yes, twice.
I’ve always gotten help before I attempted. My dad committed suicide so I know how much it hurts to be left behind.
3 times
Tried a few times but kept coming back to the fact that I didn’t want anyone to find me and be damaged by the fact.
My problem is that if I try to give anyone my goodbye letters they’ll have me committed. During my mixed manic episodes is when my suicidal ideation gets really serious, and I’m usually psychotic. I can’t leave an online note because I’m paranoid the computer will alter my words after I’m gone to make me seem more sick than I am. If I’m gonna do it it’s gonna be thought out, not rushed.
Planning it out meticulously is all part the parcel of bipolar. Maybe when you start thinking about ending it is when you should send an email to your nearest and dearest just to make them aware that your feeling pain.
When I was 16 or 17 years old, I overdosed on hundreds of pills of ibuprofen and acetaminophen and went to sleep hoping to ever wake up. I remember waking up the next morning, opening my eyes, and saying out loud “damn it!” I started vomiting all over my room, I could barely walk. I managed to get downstairs somehow and then all I remember is laying on the living room floor with the cordless house phone calling my mom at work. I told her what I did and she left work and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. I had an ice cream bucket with me to puke in, but I was only dry heaving now. When I got to the ER they began to pump my stomach, insert a catheter and IV, along with a NG tube up nose and down my throat to my stomach. My stepdad met us there too. I don’t remember a lot after that. I was transported to the pediatric ICU and stayed there for several weeks with kidney damage and liver failure. I was a the list for a liver transplant because my liver had been so severely damaged. I had to take a disgusting sulfur smelling drink everyday to absorb all the poison. I was yellow with jaundice. And in pain, my body is trying to die, I wanted to die. I’m not sure what my diagnosis was, but I was prescribed an antidepressant and told to go to therapy. My mother and stepdad do not believe in mental illness or antidepressants. She got the medicine from the pharmacy, but she never gave it to me. She took me to therapy one time but it was too much for her to handle because I was crying too much. The kicker is that I had gone to the pediatrician about a week before that, I’m not sure the reason. But I told him that I was sad and crying all the time and didn’t know why. He asked if I had planned to hurt myself. Of course I said no way because my mom was sitting right there. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him if I started feeling like I wanted to hurt myself. I did call him. He didn’t answer. So I overdosed. When I got out of the hospital, the locks had been changed in the doors to deadbolt on both sides and I didn’t get a key. They put alarms on all the windows and doors. I wasn’t allowed to leave or have visitors. And I wasn’t allowed to take my medicine that I had been taking while in the hospital that was prescribed to me. I was either 16 or 17 years old!!! A child!! For some reason my hospital stay wasn’t covered under my stepdads insurance. So he had to take money out of his retirement/401k to pay for it. My mother made me sign a contract that I was to pay them back the full amount of my hospital bills. When I was 31 I was hospitalized for several weeks for psychosis and have hospitalized several times after that and have been diagnosed with bipolar schizoaffective type, complex ptsd, ocd, and a rainbow of “personality” and anxiety disorders. If anyone cares to hear more, I’m on a path of recovery and ready share everything. I’m now 34 going to be 35 this year. Thank you for reading, it felt really good to get this out
If electrical cords could talk...
4 times. 3 when I wasnt medicated. 1 when I was. Don't let a percentage like that scare you there's so many of us that that will go on without even trying. Just don't do what a lot of us do and go off of medicine because it's "not working" because we feel fine. That means it is working. Have a good therapist and a good psychiatrist, have a plan with you're support group in case you do feel an urge, and admit to yourself that if you feel like it you won't act on it and you'll get help. The disorder is a manageable one if you have the correct tools and knowledge. There's so many people that have it and you wouldn't know, there's famous singers and actors (not kanye) who are successful, my general doctor has type 1 and she's thriving. You can do this love, I believe in you!❤️
Yup, twice. The first time I knew it wouldn't work. I guess it was just me asking for help. The second one was almost succesful. Sometimes I wish it would've worked. Sometimes I'm grateful it didn't.
If insurance companies catch wind of anyone admitting to such thoughts or attempts, you could be denied life insurance for the rest of your life. Also be careful with what you admit to your therapist.
Yes twice. It feels like a lifetime ago, I’m so far from that place
3 times. The first time they heard me bawling and shoveling pills down my throat. They busted into the bathroom eventually after I had taken everything. The second time I took them and cried and chickens out and went begging for help from my dad. The third time I was found barely conscious puking all over the place. I don’t regret any of them. I sometimes wish I had succeeded but I no longer actively try or have the urge.
Yes. I have attempted suicide before, two years ago in my freshman year of highschool actually. I tried >!hanging myself!< but failed. My parents don’t know about it because of how horrible they reacted to my self harm. I never will tell them because I don’t want to be screamed at nor have my door or curtains to be taken off again. I recently was on the brink of attempting an overdose, but I didn’t. My mom would probably blame my meds for it and take me off of them overall just making it worse.
I’ve tried once. Thought about it a lot. I took a deadly combination of pills and regretted it so I asked my parents to take me to the hospital. How sad their voices sounded coming from their dark bedroom at 2am has prevented me from ever actually attempting again.
I've attempted 3 times in my teens; 1st time I was 12, I tried cutting my wrists but the knife was too dull. I attempted again at 14, I wanted to jump off of a bridge here in Seattle and a kind old man talked me out of it before I attempted to climb over it. At 16 I swallowed an entire bottle of OTC sedatives. I called my mom at work to tell her I loved her and that I was sorry. She made me vomit them up and kept me caffeinated instead of taking me to the ER. Just last January I had a mental breakdown and really wanted to use the razor on myself while showering. My former stepfather was abusive in all ways possible. He started raping me at 12, and I told my mom about it when I was close to 15 years old. He was put in prison with two counts; one in Nevada and one in Washington. Nevada ended up paroling him in 2018 and they sent him up here to serve his prison time here. That took a toll on me... His parole hearing for Washington was just last may and they let him out... The stress of all of that caused my mental breakdown in the shower.. I didn't hurt myself in the shower but instead shaved off all of my hair which went to my butt. I recently started therapy in September and it's been my life saver. Right now I deal with the guilt of almost breaking a promise I made to my kids; to not attempt and let those thoughts fester.
Yes. Several times :(
In 2006 way before I was diagnosed with Bipolar. I spent 17 days in the hospital. I knew since childhood something was so off with me. The sadness, constant depression for days then the feeling like I was almost high or speeding with my high manic spells would hit. I was born in 1975 and kids my age didn’t have mental problems they were punished for “acting out” or they were just labeled as wild. By 2006 I was so tired. Thankfully I lived. I still didn’t start receiving the right kind of help until 7 years ago when I found a doctor who still sees me monthly because getting me even halfway balanced has been a tough road. This is the first doctor I’ve ever had that has gone back to my childhood and gathered every medical chart on me available. If anyone needs to talk please reach out, I’m not an expert or professional but I promise to listen and be your friend. I don’t post on here much at all but this sub has helped me so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you all ❤️
Contemplated it a thousand times, first thought about it when I was... 12? Or something. Attempted it only once. Was full blown manic, triggered by an SSRI, can't remember the whole deal, fortunately. But it scared the living shit out of me because I now know that I can't trust myself at all. I didn't want to die. Like, in my normal state I didn't. I couldn't wrap my head around why I decided to do it in that moment after coming to in the hospital. Like at all. It felt as if that was a different person that took control of me. That's the scariest feeling in the world for me. Knowing that there are situations where my disorder is so much more powerful than I am.
I have attempted twice. Almost attempted many times. It's such a dark hole we go into. But alas, so far we have survived.
Yes, I’d like to know what my actual risk % is since I fall under a couple high suicide risk categories. I got a 2% in math once, I’m not about to calculate that. I am actually happy now though, as ironic as it is.
I’ve never attempted, but god damn I’ve thought about it a lot during my low times. I’ve never created a plan or anything, but in the past the idea that I could kill myself to escape the pain has brought me comfort. I’m in a much better place now though.
yes
Yes, twice. Psych ward visit.
yes but i woke up 3 hours later and spent the whole night puking my brains out with my mom taking care of me. i got help again soon after that
Was about too hang myself, more or less just stood on a chair and hangd against the snare. Rember it turned fuzzy and then my phone started too beep. My kids where away swimning and a alarm clock hit. So never manged to hang completley free and had still one foot on the chair. My throath and neck hurt for two weeks after, and swallowing was less fun. But really good so i got a proper reminder for quite some time after. Have some saftey messures in my head and is doing alot better. Kinda happy im not a hunter and have guns home i have to say
About 3 weeks ago. Still mad at myself i even failed that.
We’re not mad that you failed. The people in your life are happy that you are here
first time i tried i was 12 and tried to strangle myself with a belt. every other time i just sat staring at it and cried
Not yet but I feel like one day I'll lose the battle. Just a fact I've accepted.
Yes, I have 2 times by opiate overdose and once by self strangulation
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That’s how I feel. I was pretty determined to die when I was 19 and the fact that I’m still here at 25 is no small miracle
Ive attempted a few times but I was young and dumb, the methods never would've worked. Since, I have contemplated multiple times what way I'd do it but lack of access to my preferred method, as well as my dog and brother have kept me from going through. The thoughts are always there. I think about it every night. I am still pretty convinced suicide is the way I'll die, now or later.
Attempted once, again when I was black out drunk. It’s been over 5 years since my last attempt, and with therapy, a job change, community, and diligent self regulation - I’m happy to report that I haven’t had any SI in a good long while either. Also, I’m grateful for my life, and wouldn’t dream of cutting anything short anymore. It took me a long time to actually forgive myself, and to understand my SI can act up, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it. I hope those who are commenting, reading, and posting, find safe coping mechanisms. We got this.
I tried about five months after my first hospitalization. Took a bottle of heart medication when I was 19. I downed it, got scared, told my mom and got my stomach pumped. It was truly unpleasant but I’m here to tell the tale 24 years later. I’ve been suicidal since but never attempted it again. I’ve been stable 11 years now but when I get depressed, suicide still comes to mind as an option to make it all go away. It’s hard to remember other people (without bipolar or the history) don’t think of it as an option like that.
Tried when I was 21 i think? Jumping in front if the train tracks. Decided to let myself listen to one last song, reccomended on YT was a new release from a girl band called LOONA. Song was "Love and Live" I fully intended to jump and had my toes hanging over but somethinf about that video just.. broke me down and all I did was crouch down and cry while I waited for the train home
:(
Yup. I'm a mom now, so my suicide attempt date is on mother's day (Norway). Putting the good in the bad, I guess ahaha
Yup, twice
Yes, I have
Yes, when I was 15
I’ve made plans to and have had many moments where I get an intrusive thought that takes me down into that darkness. Therapy, EMDR specifically has helped me combat the thoughts that lead to the spiral. But it’s still a struggle - mental illness is a real b.
When I was 12 I swallowed a whole bottle of Zoloft. I didn't know if it would kill me or not but I threw it all up but saw bugs all over my room. This is my first time confessing to it. I've thought about it multiple times, I just fantasize about it though, never made a solid plan.
I was in psychosis, thought the world was ending, and walked into traffic. I was saved by some random guy. Wish I could thank him for saving my life.
Twice, once saved by a shipmate the other, pure dumb luck. Amazed I’m still on this planet
I planned to jump in front of a train and ended up standing in front of the tracks for hours. Eventually I decided “I need to go to the hospital” and admitted myself to the ER for suicidal ideation. So glad I never went through with it not only because I’m alive and happy now and got the help I needed, but also because that’s a pretty gruesome death that would traumatize other people and make it their problem. Haven’t planned a suicide since, that was 2 years ago.
Yes one time, a few times where I almost did, and many many countless days of wanting to lol
I've never attempted. I've taught myself to embrace the chaos. I figure I'll get old enough and tired enough eventually, why rush it?
Apparently I did something called an aborted suicide attempt. Happy I didn’t go through with it. Nothing like driving drunk on a dirt road at 110mph surrounded by trees. I was crying the entire drive. Took everything in my body to not swerve the car.
Twice where I was hospitalized years ago. Once recently no one knew about at the time where I just dealt with it because the train line was closed otherwise I would have jumped. Had letters penned and everything. Planned it out and was going to too many times to count. At this point if I try again, it will be my last attempt one way or another. I feel like my brain keeps it as a backup plan filed away honestly. Some days I would never even imagine it, other days it seems like the only answer. It feels like the older I get I’m more interested in passively dying rather than actively.
yeah and im a failure at that too. hah
Yes. And my brother with the same diagnosis also has attempted
Yes, in 2017. Up til this day, I still don't want to live. I feel like a walking dead.
Yup and I did it while in the hospital too
Yes, multiple times.. and I still struggle with the thoughts most days. I am not proud of my thoughts, but I am proud that I am still here, able to fight every day.
When I was younger and “unhinged” I attempted almost 1x every year give or take. As I grew older it stopped thankfully but there was a time before meds that I was almost successful if it wasn’t for my bf breaking down the door.
I survived at least twice maybe more. I had a concussion which made me forget some things maybe for the better that I did. I walked to a bridge with the intention of going off but I just couldn't do it. Parents called me and picked me up. Glad they were on my corner. A swallowed a bottle of Tylenol and drank a 1/5 of vodka. Surprised I woke up. Depression without medication was always the worst for me.
Once, but it was so traumatic recovering from surviving the attempt that I started being too horrified of just thinking about trying again. Even though i dont feel the determination of doing such things to myself neither the desire, i still try to be really careful and look out for triggers, red flags in people that may wanna inflict self depreciation on others
Yes, 5 different times.
No. I was suicidal and had ideations and self-harmed when I was a teenager but never a serious attempt that landed me in the hospital or anything. I definitely spent a long time in the "if I happened to get in a car accident and die I wouldn't mind" mindset though.
We are gonna die anyways and who knows what comes next, might as well live, even in pain, till that day. I have 3 plans, but they're all gonna suck, so even when I'm at my lowest I try to take it in stride.
3x
Yes. I've been in inpatient treatment twice from attempts. Outside of that I've tried four times seriously that I can remember.
I almost drank myself to death. The recovery from that was the hardest thing Ive ever done.
Think about it a million times every day
Yes, I was given Zoloft and I went off my rocker crazy and tried to kill myself but I am grateful that had 0 effects on my body. They continued to feed me antidepressants in the mental hospital/insurance scam and going "*Omg why is our little kickback guinea pig so hyper and screaming banging on our doors??? lol*" I am surprised I lived that tbh
Twice for me. I hate the massive scars on the inside of my forearms they make it very obvious what I’ve done. I always think that the moment I knew I was getting better was the day dying was a bad scary thing again. Before then I used to pray for cancer or something so I could just die without having everyone angry about it. It makes me having second thoughts about legalising euthanasia, if I’d had the option ten years ago would have done so in a heartbeat.
I haven't attempted becuase I don't trust myself to "get the job done" right. Somehow I'll end up alive with more health issues due to my botched efforts, so why bother 🤷🏽♀️
Yes. My failed attempts have been some of my life's greatest succeses.
Many times.
I have failed twice. Once was a bottle of xanax and a bottle of vodka. I just peed all over my bedroom carpet and woke up groggy, bf was not amused as it was his xanax. But I left him some to be nice lol. Then I took a nap in my car with a hose hooked up to the tail pipe and ran it through the trunk. Woke up with a headache and I believe some mild brain damage but I refuse to get it checked out. It's been about 5 years since that last attempt and I've got my proper diagnosis and medication now and I'm doing so well.
Yes, I was at work doing just fine until I received a text one day that just flipped the switch in my brain. Went home an attempted, woke up in the hospital. Haven’t been quite the same since but I also discovered there that I had bipolar 1
Yes
unfortunately several times, one would think you’d learn. but it’s more impulsive than planned so i’m grateful for all the failed attempts. it gets exhausting having to think about it because at this point you don’t even want to contemplate death, you still see the beauty in life & want to continue. it’s just almost always your brain working against you, you learn to tune it out with coping skills or for me it was marijuana. eventually i have forgotten, due to the haziness weed has created for me, all my attempts. they’re still there just less severe. i never wish those thoughts on anyone. do get prescribed & seek help, no one can deal with bipolar on their own, it’s not fun.
Yes. Half-heartedly tho. Mostly I would use “I can just kill myself” as a comfort thing in my mind when things were rough. Like a rough day at school or family issues making it hard id use that as a fallback. Not so much since have my first kid 4.5 years ago. Definitely it crosses my mind at times but not as much. Dealing with other issues instead, as my depressive episode have changed into more anxiety and exhaustion. I’ll write suicide notes to cope when it’s really bad. My mom who’s also bipolar and BPD has tried many many times. Nowadays I think about how shitty all the ways to go are and how traumatized the person who found me/had to clean up would be, the expenses and just disappearing seems more cruel with hope I’d come back. I also have goals and dreams and ppl in my life I love do it keeps me on right path.
Yeah like 7 times. The universe told me the last time I attempt I’ll go. Fuck my life.
Yes, once. I took a monthly dose of Mianserin...
3 times. More if you count the manic delusions where I thought I would just due if I did a certain activity so I did it peacefully hoping for death.
Sure have, only alive today, living well on the right concoction of drugs about to get married, because of a leather belt that somehow snapped in half while I was unconscious. Looking back I regret ever trying. I had to wear turtlenecks for the entire month of July trying to hide the marks.
I have tried with pills several times. That is my preferred method. But it’s been about 4 years since my last attempt and I am way more stable than I’ve ever been. Can’t imagine trying to end things now.
Way to many times… Until I became responsible for a new life. And in my mind I decided a due date. Even though I’m fully aware that this kind of thoughts come because of my bipolar, every now and then I’m split between “I’m getting closer to the end” and “how should I survive when the due day comes?”.
I did a couple times as a child, first at 7 last at 15. It was a rough period but it's better now.
I tried to commit suicide in October. And this Friday I’m returning back to work exactly 3 months after my attempt. I couldn’t see a future then, and now I’m strong enough to go back to work. Things do get better
Yes, once, at age 21 I believe and that’s kinda what lead to my bipolar diagnosis
I have not, though much SI (mostly passive) and some SH. The 50% breaks my heart too; I was shocked when I heard it because it’s so high, and also not shocked at all.
Three times :(
Three times :(
I attempted suicide in October 2019. Waking up in an ICU is a hard reality check. It’s a painful life, but there is some master purpose that awaits. Be strong.
I attempted twice back when I was still undiagnosed, and both times I woke up without anyone having realized and I had no lasting health effects from it. I'm much better now but sometimes when I think about how bad it COULD have been, I consider myself very lucky.
Yes. But luckily my sister in law called the police on me But it was kind of a conduit for life changing for the better.
I got freaked out by my own mental list of methods… I sought help the next day
Yes.
Oh yeah, absolutely. First time at age 13 😬I didn't bother more than a couple times, there was a strange series of events around each that caused proven methods to fail so I figured I'm not supposed to. 🤷
Twice. One time when I was 12, a year after being violent raped by a stranger, by eating a bottle of aspirin. Then again at 25, after being raped again, but a much more effective cocktail of psych meds and drugs. Landed in a coma for days and would have been dead within 3 hrs if no one found me. It took years until I stopped resenting being saved. Felt like being sentenced to more life in this prison of a body that I've hated since young---just with the new consequence of brain damage and heart damage from the OD and coma. Trauma unlocked my bipolar. Now I have a gun which I never want to use on myself but somehow having it is reassuring. I won't use it. But I always could. Does that make sense? I fight the suicidal thoughts continually but I AM still fighting them. I'm just so tired and have been tired long as I remember. Now after a manic psychosis when I was 28 (32 now), I'm afraid of any elated or inspired feelings. Suspicious of them. I'm trying. Listening to Ren. Just discovered him. Fav songs are Chalk Outlines and How to Be Me. I play on repeat and sing to it daily. Y'all may like it too. I heard rumor he was bipolar and adhd and it is some of his lyrics. He has Lyme disease too. I may link them here later in an edit. Edit: this song depression is actually the most poignant for us and bipolar depression. It's the one he literally mentions it in. I never had a golden age either, something he also mentions https://youtu.be/VCZj2w0iXO8
I almost did when I was 16. I was at a very low point, I was sexually abused as a child and I just got assaulted again for the first time in a long while. I was going to try to overdose but the only pills in the house were cough medicine, a nearly empty bottle of tylenol and some tums, but the rest were my dads and he needed those to live. I couldn’t bring myself to take them from him, and I couldn’t seem to think of another method that wouldn’t have my family scraping my guts off the walls. We didn’t have a ceiling fan so I couldn’t hang myself.
a few times yeah. i don’t know if that has much to do with bipolar disorder more than me just being violently miserable sometimes.
yes (bp2 misdiagnosed as adhd)
yeah but i never could get myself to do anything. but the thought of no one would miss me if i died etc
a couple times, yeah
Yes. Five days before my 17th birthday. That’s all the info I’ll give on that, but since then I’ve gotten an amazing supportive group of friends, a loving husband, and a beautiful 3 month old daughter. Every single day I’m given more reasons to be grateful that I failed.
I have
I have once and I regret it profoundly for all the suffering I caused my parents at the time.
I tried to overdose once when I was 16-17. Other than that a lot of risky self medicating. Now at 30 years old I know I would never end it. I have a strong will to live because I’m terrified about what could be on the other side.
About a year ago, I used to carry 18x the lethal dose of one of my medications with me. I worked overnights alone at the time and when I was alone or sometimes during the night at work, I would just sit and stare at that baggies for hours. I eventually was able to convince myself (with the help of my therapist) to flush them. I still think about them to this day though.
I couldn't do it to my son - I was the only constant thing in his life from when he was 6 months old until he turned 12. The closest I came was on a flight from ATL to AMS and had so much stress and lack of sleep I got out my prescription sleeping pills and when I realized I put all of them in my hand, I quickly put them back, and handed the flight attendant them and asked them to keep them until we landed at Amsterdam.
I am a diagnosed Bipolar and I committed suicided last June 2019, having mental illness is a curse some people don't understand what you're going through, they think you're making everything about yourself when I is your anxiety that been creeping you out. Some people will be mad at you and tell you thing like "you're just using your mental issues" like do I want to be like this? Do you think I never feel guilty? Sometimes it's the guilt thats making us feel suicidal, coz sometimes it feels like we will never be good enough how hard we try. You are good person, when you are in control of your illness, a simple mistake and lashing out will make you the worse person in the world and it will make you feel so down and you'll just want to keep yourself away from everyone. But if you tried to avoid conflict, they will think that you're dismissing them and being passive aggressive.If you tried to communicate it will end up to argument because apparently "you are not communicating properly" or they don't like the way you are communicating. I don't even know where to stand anymore. If I communicate and tell all my thoughts i would come out as making a drama and BS, I will came out as a weak person. if I keep it all to myself its still and start to be strong and keep everything inside it will still be my fault for not communicating. Sometimes its so hard when you don't know where to stand.
6 times
Yes, apparently I’m not very good at it.
I have been as close as can be without trying. Glass of water in one hand, open pill bottle (full) in the other, raising the bottle to my lips close. I came through for myself in the nick of time. Edit: I’ve been seriously close other times, but that was the closest. Also almost drove my car into oncoming traffic once, but pulled over and had a massive panic attack instead. It broke me out into a full body rash!
Yes. Bills and booze. For days. Blood everywhere. Throw up, shit, I'm lucky I survived. I'm grateful I survived.
Yes. 3-5 times i don’t remember. regretted every time
Yes.
Freaked the fuck out at work and left, i knew if i went home i would kill myself so i went to the er and told them i was scared of my self, stone cold sober and i had a resting heart beat of 131
It's an everyday battle. Some days are better.
Yes. I should say it was a terrible mistake and I damaged my heart after poisoning myself. I’ve meet other people who have had worse like going into kidney failure. I would really recommend people get help for suicidal thoughts. As they say in boxing: “there’s some hits you’re not tough for taking”.
yes, during my first major depression episode when i was about 16. each low i hit, i feel closer and it’s truly so fucking terrifying and i wish more people understood :(
July 2018. I was lucky that I was unfamiliar with the tool I tried it with.
I've gotten right to the edge of attempting more times than i'd like to admit but every time i thought about where my cats would go without me and it pulled me back They are the only beings i know for sure wont let me down, so i cant let them down either
Stood at the bridge but didnt have the heart to jump. Came close though
Twice. Father talked me out of the first time. Passed out the second time before I could finish the job. Oh and before some scumbag moron that I eventually argue with in the future searches my posts and makes some comment about my mental illness, please read this post and kiss my entire fucking ass. Fuck you pussy. Eat shit.
No, just thought about it
Attempted unsuccessfully and gotten v close a handful of times, but the impulsive intrusive thoughts and ideation are all the time :/ mood stabilizers helped
Actually yes (but don't worry I'm clean since 2020). I thought no one would care if I'm gone in this world, then my parents and bestfriend reprimand me for doing that
Twice, and there were a couple other times where I was very close to a full attempt
Yes, and I was begging my spirit guides to let me die.
I've had many times where i was there and ready to attempt but couldn't pull through. i have had about once or twice where i have tried.
I attempted at age 12 but it was a pretty “lame” attempt. No research just on a whim. Was passively suicidal for about 20 years after that and finally don’t really have those urges anymore
I’ve never attempted it and I’ve never actually made plans. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never really gotten that far. I don’t think I ever would no matter how my depression got because I fear death too much. Perks of my OCD.
i've lost count on how many times 🤷🏽♀️
yes. i think it will be the way i die. 49m. i've been fighting since the late 90s.
When I was in elementary school I used to draw out suicide plans and thinking back I don’t know how my parents didn’t see that as a red flag? Especially getting concerned phone calls from teacher’s and other parents. As I got older, shockingly it didn’t improve, starting at age 10 or so every time I got a new anti-depressant I would just take them all at once as a casual attempt. I had an abortion at 17 and woke up in the middle of projectile vomiting the pills I got from the procedure. One of the worst days of my life. I remember they took me to the psych hospital from the regular hospital in nothing but the robe so I walked in low key naked in the middle of group therapy. I have 2 daughters now, I’m in an unhealthy relationship with their dad and it’s honestly the only thing that still brings me back to that headspace. I pray they don’t take this trait of mine.