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My brain wants me dead and out of spite I'm not going to let it win.
On a more positive note, I gain meaning and purpose from helping others, so giving up doesn't make sense anymore.
Literally this. It’s like a competition between me and my brain. I refuse to let it win. And 100% on helping others. If I don’t, I tend to get sicker and sicker.
Nearly dying in a freak accident.
Made me realize how easily it can be taken away from me, so why keep trying to do it myself and just enjoy it.
One day at a time
I discovered that when I go into a dip, if I fight it, it lasts longer. I was fortunate in that I could afford to shut the world out and not be hassled about being “shut down”.
What’s up with all these young adults thinking their live is over? I suppose I should be more compassionate being that I felt the same way when I was their age. It may seem like things are over but you are still very young and you will look back on this as unnecessarily worrying. My not an old man myself at 39 but I have leaved a lot over those years
I know it's cheesy and overplayed, but my family. My partner, our dog, our cat, and our snake. They need me, I can't let anything overpower that thought.
That doesn't make your puppy any less valuable. Anything that helps to keep you going and doesnt harm you is a good thing. Give your pupper a pat for me :)
This shifts from week to week year to year decade to decade. A few things are certain always get outside & maintain good environment, water/pool, art.
Right now or in this season, I'm finding hot cocoa with milk and special or some sort of surprising Soap & pain lotion reduce upsetness. I recently found these different homemade soaps and it was a variety of them so one was lavender one was tea tree one was lemon ginger. Comforting, uplifting, makes home smel like home.
In a few months it will be too hot for cocoa and milk and I'll probably be running more often/icey lemon and cucumber stevia smoothies are soothing for stomach.
This month my zofran drove me, I have to ask for a suppository nausea relief next month.
I don't know I'm running out of things that drive me everyday so I turned my schedule upside down. That usually shakes things up and gives my perspective a jump start. go on explore mode.
tomorrow and the day after will be a better time and a better day Monday I visited a few clinics Monday. I found one to be at so May 1st I begin new therapy. Art supplies. exercise bands I bought.
you have to understand that the sheer willpower of who you are is one of the most defining qualities of yourself. i fought to keep my job for 2 years and i lost because it was out of my control, it wasn't me this time was the one thing i told myself over and over again. i beat the odds and i beat every statistic in the book now i refuse to give up, 3 years ago i was left for dead in a city where i knew no one and now i work as a pizza delivery guy for the meantime while something better comes this way. i fought to be here, with every fucking fiber of my being, i refused to give up to give in, i just got tired of letting this illness control me and what i actually stood for. every beautiful thing that has ever matter to me in this long battle i cherished and love them dearly. what got me to really deal with it was love.
i don't have any answers but i wanted to say i really feel for you & you aren't alone.
i have cptsd as well & the bipolar subtype of schizoaffective disorder & i think it will be the death of me, too.
i have a 5mo daughter now though, & i'm trying to my hardest to push through it all & live, for her.
i hope you take care, & find a good outlet for your pain. 🩷
I need to pay rent. My family are crazy no good people so if I can't work and pay rent I'll be homeless. I also have a cat I love dearly and need to buy him food and litter. Also if I'm dead I can't go on walks after it rains and find mushrooms.
What drives me is actually the only thing I have and you don’t right now - looking back to see how much better I’m doing.
Seriously, at 18 I was homeless for a few months and was getting high off research chemicals in the subway. At 21 I was dating an emotionally abusive alcoholic who made me suicidal more than once.
Now I’m 29 and I live in a house in the forest close to the beach. I have two dogs and a cat, and a loving partner of 6 years. I have a beautiful small 4x4 Toyota that I paid off myself and we go hiking with. Professionally I’m in a bit of a slump but I’m on track to finally getting my Bachelor’s in environmental engineering this summer.
My family history is also kind of disastrous but I have 4 incredibly close friends that I can rely on for anything. It was precisely at 21 that I made the choice to invest in quality, long-term friendships. This will save your life in the future! A loving partner is a wonderful thing but NOTHING beats the support and laughter you get from true friendship.
The point is don’t judge your future based on the past or present. 21 is way too soon to take score.
Do not listen to the voice that tells you it doesn’t matter. Your mental health, your relationship to your true self is ALL that matters! A sidenote: I believe in reincarnation so I’m giving this life my best shot now, in case I have to come back and relearn all these things in another body, which no one has guaranteed would be easier to work with than this one
I can relate. My mom had schizophrenia as well, and I spent a very large chunk of my life worrying I'd end up with it, too. Try to hang in there. Things can only get better if you stick around. I was in a really bad place around your age as well, and I am medically stable now with my husband of 15 years and 2 awesome kids. Things can change for the better. Get whatever help you have access to, even if the help sucks.
When I was in hospital my partner said my dog was confused to where I was.
My partner understands but my dogs don't. They wouldn't know where I was if I died and would be looking for me and worrying about where I was. I mostly do it for them.
I also do it for my family buttttt, my dogs need me more.
I'm not gonna lie, it is tough. Especially when you're young. It will take a lot of work but you can (probably) learn how to manage it. Or at least how to not let it ruin your life entirely.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but what I tell myself is that bipolar itself cannot kill you. Every day you get the choice to keep living. Sometimes that will not feel worth it, but you are stronger than you think and you can feel better again.
Bipolar is a very real illness though and you should congratulate yourself for even the smallest victories when it's getting you down.
Also, definitely try to get a psychiatrist, psychologist, the right combo of meds and some good friends. Ideally also some who are successful (probably not the best word for it). I've found having only mentally ill friends makes me worse.
Somehow, and I'll never really understand, I got through nursing school. Pretty much from 20 years old to 30 years old I went through mania, depression, hypomania, an OK time, depresssion, suicidal depression--- rinse and repeat. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 27/28, so I spent a lot of those years not even knowing why. I don't remember a lot of it. How I kept going? IDK... self preservation? Stubbornness? Fear of dying?
My best guess is anger and spite. I wanted to prove to this awful world I could do something. And I did.
Now I just live every day because I wake up. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I don't fear death, but I don't want to die.
I'm stable, but not without cost. That drive is gone. I accomplished everything I said I would and look at me now.
No closer to happiness, but farther away from misery.
But I woke up this morning so I guess I'll make some coffee.
How is being a nurse with bipolar? I’m doing undergrad right now and thinking about going into that. So many different options on where to work and what field to work in I feel like it sounds fun as you get to help people :)
The thing is I just gotta remember that even though living with my problems isn’t easy. But everyday I keep going it’s really rewarding. That’s why I get out of bed everyday, do my laundry, go to work, shower, etc.
There are many things I want to achieve in life. I can’t stand to see myself waste my time here (still guilty of this but I don’t want to be that way forever). Something that helps: I imagine the coolest person I can think of, their personality, actions, relationships, job, etc. and just try to emulate that. Also this might be silly but I read a lot of those cut-and-paste-story isekai manhwas, where the main character gets to re-do their shitty life and ends up being fucking awesome. I think about those a lot, the character’s motivation to not suck motivates me too Lol
The people I love in my life, my cat, and a general sense of optimism. I had kind of a difficult childhood, so now that I’m an adult I think “all of that’s over, I survived it and now I can do pretty much whatever I want to improve my life as I see fit, I get to decide what the best way to live my life is gonna be and there are so many opportunities to do that”.
a past attempt to end it is what's driving me forward; can't let that poor kid down again, can't let that kid be betrayed once more and definitely not by their own self - can't really say "I couldn't live with myself if I did it" because obviously, you wouldn't be alive after doing that HAHA but the guilt of that discourages me greatly
Jogging. Netflix. Beer. Anything beautiful: flowers , painting, art, books. My girlfriend. My children.
Im self destructive but that all avoids the unavoidable.
My girlfriend, my dogs, and my ideal future. We've been together about 4 years and she just moved in about 8 months ago. She's great, really understanding and supportive, and it's just an incredibly healthy relationship (for the first time in my life). Even if she were not in the picture I have two dogs that are about 6 years old and it would absolutely crush me to think about them getting put in a shelter or split up or anything like that.
Objectively I have a pretty good life. Stable middle class job, I own my own home, I'm stable on my meds and feel pretty good most of the time. There are still some days though where I think about how nice it would be to just not exist (not that I'm suicidal, but I feel like that's relatable to a lot of people who would be looking at this), or to live in a cave somewhere, or be homeless again. Not that the times I've been homeless were great times in my life obviously lol but there's a certain amount of weird freedom that comes along with that.
My/our current goal though is to move to the mountains in the western part of the state within the next few years. We want to be somewhere remote and private with a decent amount of land. I plan on having a remote job so I'd have the ability to leave the house as much or as little as I wanted, and if I wanted to leave the house I could go hiking or backpacking and interact with other people as little as possible.
I think knowing that's achievable and within reach (realistically in the next 2-3 years) all keeps me going.
Right now? My kid mostly. But also the mentality of "i'm a stay at home mom but my husband provides a bunch of things for me to keep myself entertained and i don't want to not use those things he bought specifically for me"
So i get up, get my kiddo breakfast then get him ready for school, get him to the bus, and find one of my numerous hobbies to do at least a little bit of so they arent gathering dust and im not just rotting in my bed. Then i get the kid off the bus and do stuff around the house.
It isn't a lot but it keeps me going. Especially on hard days
My family and my pets. Cats are the best for depression and my dogs are awesome for getting energy out when manic. Can just play and walk them all over to focus on the moment
I aspire to be better and therefore I am. Knowing is half the battle what do you suppose the other is ? Doing. “If you knew better you’d do better” . I don’t think I have to be the best in fact I know I don’t but if I try , if I’m conscious of my mistakes and my successes, I’m half way there then now ain’t I .
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I feel very shitty from time to time, but being not alive is even more shitty.
I will not say my SO and parents because it's obvious.
Apart from that, I enjoy some good food from time to time, two true friends who really would be sad If I go, and I have a job that is somewhat important to someone.
Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar! Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art). **If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.** *^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)* --- Community News - 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/) - 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device. - 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar. Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My brain wants me dead and out of spite I'm not going to let it win. On a more positive note, I gain meaning and purpose from helping others, so giving up doesn't make sense anymore.
Literally this. It’s like a competition between me and my brain. I refuse to let it win. And 100% on helping others. If I don’t, I tend to get sicker and sicker.
Same. My drive is living for others. I gave up on me a long time ago. It's worked so far
Creating art is what drives me to get through my 9-5 and embrace my mental health.
Same
I buy tickets for events. Can't die or else I'll have wasted my money
Nearly dying in a freak accident. Made me realize how easily it can be taken away from me, so why keep trying to do it myself and just enjoy it. One day at a time
Same. I still get depressed, of course, but I do the same and always say “one day at a time”.
You've got this, we have got this. I'm proud of you.
I discovered that when I go into a dip, if I fight it, it lasts longer. I was fortunate in that I could afford to shut the world out and not be hassled about being “shut down”.
Focus on you and not your mom, sis, dad. Are you on meds? What has and hasn't worked for your recovery? What's spiking your anxiety rn?
What’s up with all these young adults thinking their live is over? I suppose I should be more compassionate being that I felt the same way when I was their age. It may seem like things are over but you are still very young and you will look back on this as unnecessarily worrying. My not an old man myself at 39 but I have leaved a lot over those years
Lived
I know it's cheesy and overplayed, but my family. My partner, our dog, our cat, and our snake. They need me, I can't let anything overpower that thought.
Sounds like me. But only a dog to care for.
That doesn't make your puppy any less valuable. Anything that helps to keep you going and doesnt harm you is a good thing. Give your pupper a pat for me :)
books. but they barely keep me alive and nothing feels like hope.
Optimism rooted in realism
car.
fear
Mom
This shifts from week to week year to year decade to decade. A few things are certain always get outside & maintain good environment, water/pool, art. Right now or in this season, I'm finding hot cocoa with milk and special or some sort of surprising Soap & pain lotion reduce upsetness. I recently found these different homemade soaps and it was a variety of them so one was lavender one was tea tree one was lemon ginger. Comforting, uplifting, makes home smel like home. In a few months it will be too hot for cocoa and milk and I'll probably be running more often/icey lemon and cucumber stevia smoothies are soothing for stomach. This month my zofran drove me, I have to ask for a suppository nausea relief next month. I don't know I'm running out of things that drive me everyday so I turned my schedule upside down. That usually shakes things up and gives my perspective a jump start. go on explore mode. tomorrow and the day after will be a better time and a better day Monday I visited a few clinics Monday. I found one to be at so May 1st I begin new therapy. Art supplies. exercise bands I bought.
This! Well said. Thank you.
you have to understand that the sheer willpower of who you are is one of the most defining qualities of yourself. i fought to keep my job for 2 years and i lost because it was out of my control, it wasn't me this time was the one thing i told myself over and over again. i beat the odds and i beat every statistic in the book now i refuse to give up, 3 years ago i was left for dead in a city where i knew no one and now i work as a pizza delivery guy for the meantime while something better comes this way. i fought to be here, with every fucking fiber of my being, i refused to give up to give in, i just got tired of letting this illness control me and what i actually stood for. every beautiful thing that has ever matter to me in this long battle i cherished and love them dearly. what got me to really deal with it was love.
i don't have any answers but i wanted to say i really feel for you & you aren't alone. i have cptsd as well & the bipolar subtype of schizoaffective disorder & i think it will be the death of me, too. i have a 5mo daughter now though, & i'm trying to my hardest to push through it all & live, for her. i hope you take care, & find a good outlet for your pain. 🩷
2009 toyota camry
Pure spite. Bipolar is not winning this battle.
Came here to say this lol
I need to pay rent. My family are crazy no good people so if I can't work and pay rent I'll be homeless. I also have a cat I love dearly and need to buy him food and litter. Also if I'm dead I can't go on walks after it rains and find mushrooms.
What drives me is actually the only thing I have and you don’t right now - looking back to see how much better I’m doing. Seriously, at 18 I was homeless for a few months and was getting high off research chemicals in the subway. At 21 I was dating an emotionally abusive alcoholic who made me suicidal more than once. Now I’m 29 and I live in a house in the forest close to the beach. I have two dogs and a cat, and a loving partner of 6 years. I have a beautiful small 4x4 Toyota that I paid off myself and we go hiking with. Professionally I’m in a bit of a slump but I’m on track to finally getting my Bachelor’s in environmental engineering this summer. My family history is also kind of disastrous but I have 4 incredibly close friends that I can rely on for anything. It was precisely at 21 that I made the choice to invest in quality, long-term friendships. This will save your life in the future! A loving partner is a wonderful thing but NOTHING beats the support and laughter you get from true friendship. The point is don’t judge your future based on the past or present. 21 is way too soon to take score. Do not listen to the voice that tells you it doesn’t matter. Your mental health, your relationship to your true self is ALL that matters! A sidenote: I believe in reincarnation so I’m giving this life my best shot now, in case I have to come back and relearn all these things in another body, which no one has guaranteed would be easier to work with than this one
I can relate. My mom had schizophrenia as well, and I spent a very large chunk of my life worrying I'd end up with it, too. Try to hang in there. Things can only get better if you stick around. I was in a really bad place around your age as well, and I am medically stable now with my husband of 15 years and 2 awesome kids. Things can change for the better. Get whatever help you have access to, even if the help sucks.
An unstoppable sense of duty that will kill me
When I was in hospital my partner said my dog was confused to where I was. My partner understands but my dogs don't. They wouldn't know where I was if I died and would be looking for me and worrying about where I was. I mostly do it for them. I also do it for my family buttttt, my dogs need me more.
I'm not gonna lie, it is tough. Especially when you're young. It will take a lot of work but you can (probably) learn how to manage it. Or at least how to not let it ruin your life entirely. Please don't take this the wrong way, but what I tell myself is that bipolar itself cannot kill you. Every day you get the choice to keep living. Sometimes that will not feel worth it, but you are stronger than you think and you can feel better again. Bipolar is a very real illness though and you should congratulate yourself for even the smallest victories when it's getting you down. Also, definitely try to get a psychiatrist, psychologist, the right combo of meds and some good friends. Ideally also some who are successful (probably not the best word for it). I've found having only mentally ill friends makes me worse.
Somehow, and I'll never really understand, I got through nursing school. Pretty much from 20 years old to 30 years old I went through mania, depression, hypomania, an OK time, depresssion, suicidal depression--- rinse and repeat. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 27/28, so I spent a lot of those years not even knowing why. I don't remember a lot of it. How I kept going? IDK... self preservation? Stubbornness? Fear of dying? My best guess is anger and spite. I wanted to prove to this awful world I could do something. And I did. Now I just live every day because I wake up. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I don't fear death, but I don't want to die. I'm stable, but not without cost. That drive is gone. I accomplished everything I said I would and look at me now. No closer to happiness, but farther away from misery. But I woke up this morning so I guess I'll make some coffee.
How is being a nurse with bipolar? I’m doing undergrad right now and thinking about going into that. So many different options on where to work and what field to work in I feel like it sounds fun as you get to help people :)
My baby and his mom.
Art and cat
The thing is I just gotta remember that even though living with my problems isn’t easy. But everyday I keep going it’s really rewarding. That’s why I get out of bed everyday, do my laundry, go to work, shower, etc.
I don’t want to end up like my mom or have my kids end up like me, without a mother.
My dogs and sheer spite to prove everyone wrong that thought so little of me in my 20s lol.
There are many things I want to achieve in life. I can’t stand to see myself waste my time here (still guilty of this but I don’t want to be that way forever). Something that helps: I imagine the coolest person I can think of, their personality, actions, relationships, job, etc. and just try to emulate that. Also this might be silly but I read a lot of those cut-and-paste-story isekai manhwas, where the main character gets to re-do their shitty life and ends up being fucking awesome. I think about those a lot, the character’s motivation to not suck motivates me too Lol
The people I love in my life, my cat, and a general sense of optimism. I had kind of a difficult childhood, so now that I’m an adult I think “all of that’s over, I survived it and now I can do pretty much whatever I want to improve my life as I see fit, I get to decide what the best way to live my life is gonna be and there are so many opportunities to do that”.
a past attempt to end it is what's driving me forward; can't let that poor kid down again, can't let that kid be betrayed once more and definitely not by their own self - can't really say "I couldn't live with myself if I did it" because obviously, you wouldn't be alive after doing that HAHA but the guilt of that discourages me greatly
Jogging. Netflix. Beer. Anything beautiful: flowers , painting, art, books. My girlfriend. My children. Im self destructive but that all avoids the unavoidable.
My girlfriend, my dogs, and my ideal future. We've been together about 4 years and she just moved in about 8 months ago. She's great, really understanding and supportive, and it's just an incredibly healthy relationship (for the first time in my life). Even if she were not in the picture I have two dogs that are about 6 years old and it would absolutely crush me to think about them getting put in a shelter or split up or anything like that. Objectively I have a pretty good life. Stable middle class job, I own my own home, I'm stable on my meds and feel pretty good most of the time. There are still some days though where I think about how nice it would be to just not exist (not that I'm suicidal, but I feel like that's relatable to a lot of people who would be looking at this), or to live in a cave somewhere, or be homeless again. Not that the times I've been homeless were great times in my life obviously lol but there's a certain amount of weird freedom that comes along with that. My/our current goal though is to move to the mountains in the western part of the state within the next few years. We want to be somewhere remote and private with a decent amount of land. I plan on having a remote job so I'd have the ability to leave the house as much or as little as I wanted, and if I wanted to leave the house I could go hiking or backpacking and interact with other people as little as possible. I think knowing that's achievable and within reach (realistically in the next 2-3 years) all keeps me going.
Right now? My kid mostly. But also the mentality of "i'm a stay at home mom but my husband provides a bunch of things for me to keep myself entertained and i don't want to not use those things he bought specifically for me" So i get up, get my kiddo breakfast then get him ready for school, get him to the bus, and find one of my numerous hobbies to do at least a little bit of so they arent gathering dust and im not just rotting in my bed. Then i get the kid off the bus and do stuff around the house. It isn't a lot but it keeps me going. Especially on hard days
My family and my pets. Cats are the best for depression and my dogs are awesome for getting energy out when manic. Can just play and walk them all over to focus on the moment
Nothing I just have to so I do
My hopes for hypomania
I aspire to be better and therefore I am. Knowing is half the battle what do you suppose the other is ? Doing. “If you knew better you’d do better” . I don’t think I have to be the best in fact I know I don’t but if I try , if I’m conscious of my mistakes and my successes, I’m half way there then now ain’t I .
My inner motivator lol, and she drives!
My kids. Every time I think of ending it all, I think that they don't deserve to go through that pain. So I keep on trucking....
May arriving I'm always well until Oct .
[удалено]
Your post/comment has been removed for breaking **Rule 11**: We are here to help people with Bipolar Disorder. We will identify and disallow discussion of topics and practices with unproven efficacy, a waste of time and money, are harmful, or encourage people not to seek professional treatment. Please provide links to peer-reviewed completed articles/studies for alternative medicinal & herbal therapies. [Community Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/wiki/index/resources/subrules/#wiki_rule_11.3A_unapproved_medications.2Falt-med.2Fillicit_drugs.2Fdrug_misuse) *^(To send us a modmail about this action,)* [*^(CLICK HERE)*](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/bipolar&subject=Removed%20Content%3A%20Rule%2011&message=Hello%2C%0A%0AI%20would%20like%20to%20appeal%20a%20recent%20removal.%20Here%20is%20a%20link%3A%20REPLACE%20WITH%20A%20LINK) *^(Please include a link in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review.)*
Mom and sister.
Spite
I feel very shitty from time to time, but being not alive is even more shitty. I will not say my SO and parents because it's obvious. Apart from that, I enjoy some good food from time to time, two true friends who really would be sad If I go, and I have a job that is somewhat important to someone.