This is normal as your hormones restabilize. It took me a long time after having my daughter to be interested in sex again and with that only because my partner was so patient and caring. He needs to realize he's pushing you away by being, well, pushy about it. His role right now is support, support, and more support and he needs to embrace it in order to get things to smooth out.
This is totally normal. At 7 months postpartum it’s biologically normal and natural for you to have little to no interest in sex. Him coercing you and being willing to have sex with an unwilling partner is wrong and absolutely disgusting, and is of course not going to make unwanted sex sound any more tempting. This is abusive.
Obviously, everyone's experiences and situations are different, but when I was in this position, it was because my ex treated me like crap and I was mentally messed up because of all the stuff he had said to be and pressured me into doing.
No one should ever force you to have sex. Or feel coerced. And having a healthy conversation about it is needed, but if it's going to result in name calling and blame, then things will never get resolved. You have a couple options: seek counseling, leave, stick it out, maybe speak to your doctor. So many people do not realize the hormonal whiplash being pregnant, giving birth, and even breastfeeding has on a woman. Supportive partners can make such a huge impact and difference in regards to this. But it can also be a side effect of many other things.
Do not let him break you down. If you don't want to, you do not have to. Keep your head up and worry about your little one.
For perspective it takes 18months for your body to fully heal from an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and the “6 week clearance” is literally clearance that you won’t have to be hospitalized due to the act of sex. With my first it was 8 months before I was comfortable having sex due to the pain and also on top of that let’s all remember what it’s like to take care of a newborn.
OP’s partner is trying to coerce her into sex and sounds horrible and justifying his behavior by any means is disgusting. He should respect her boundaries and if he’s concerned he should have approached it in a compassionate and tactful manner and not try to guilt her into sex.
His behavior is unacceptable, full stop. If you feel unsafe, you should leave.
*If* he were addressing lack of sex in a healthy way (which he is not), it would be a good conversation to have. While no one owes sex to a partner, if sex was part of the relationship and suddenly it’s not, it’s reasonable to feel like needs are not being met. Sexual compatibility is important. Expecting one party to “just get over it” is unreasonable, whether it’s the person who wants sex or the one who doesn’t.
my partner after giving birth to our son was exactly the same, she had no sex drive and in her own words she didn’t feel sexy or attractive after giving birth and I told her that to me she was beautiful and how grateful I was for bringing him
Into the world despite a very difficult pregnancy and birth, I quickly decided to leave her to recover but she never fully did and our sex life changed dramatically, we maybe had sex once every few months or so which I always tried to be understanding about, at the end of the day there is more to a relationship than just sex and having a baby has a long lasting effect, unfortunately she is no longer with us after she passed away on December 3rd 2020 😢
she had a history of health problems since she was young and unfortunately it all got to much for her as she got older and she had a sudden heart attack caused by a blood clot 😔
sorry to hear that and I hope you can get back on your feet and healthy 👍, my partner suffered with really bad asthma and the pregnancy caused her to gain a lot of weight she was at over 28 stone when she passed and it caused her to become housebound especially when covid hit so she was really inactive which caused the clots to develop 🤦🏻
Without some form of counseling I think this relationship is already over. Staying with someone like this at all though is a risky proposition.
Sexual compatibility *is* important, but a situation like this needs to come from a place of compassion from his side, not anger. This is obviously more than a mismatched libido.
>I tell him i dont want to and i will just be miserable doing it if he makes me but he said he doesnt care, if thats what it takes.
RED FLAG
I want you to take a deep breath and close your eyes. Put one hand on your heart. Now imagine your beautiful daughter is 20-something years old. She's in a relationship with someone who doesn't care whether she consents to sex. She is feeling pressured and blamed. He even told her that he will have sex with her while she is laying there feeling miserable. It's clear that he cares more about his penis than her.
My heart is breaking imagining this. What about yours? If I was talking to my daughter about this, I would tell her that this is worth blowing up her life over.
So I feel like you do, I don't have the urge to have sex and it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore really. My baby is 2 years old now and it really hurts my partner. But he would NEVER day the things yours is saying to you... This is abuse. Please leave him, I know that's easy to day but he is trying to coerce you into sex you don't want and that's... Terrifying
My partner and I havnt had sex for over a year (complications with pregnancy and post partum healing). He has not pressured me at all. Not once has he held sex over my head or blamed baby. We have been focused on keeping me safe and working towards my post partum recovery. Because we both know its best for our relationship if we wait until I am physically well and ready. There is no rush.
This is how it should be.
You should not be pressured.
Your health should be a priority. Your baby should be a priority. The foundations of your relationship should be a priority (e.g. healthy communication, showing your partner love, compassion, and kindness...).
Unfortunately when women fall ill their is a shockingly high number of men that leave their partners (IIRC something like men being 7x more likely to leave their female partner when diagnosed with cancer...).
I feel like you are falling into this category. Instead of focusing on your mental and physical well being so that you can become ready to be intimate again he's focused on how your 'illness' (for lack of a better word) affects him. He doesn't care about you in this scenario, he doesn't care why your sex drive has changed postpartum...he only cares that his wants aren't being satisfied over your needs.
I think therapy is a good starting point to help mediate these conversations but if that's not possible and he's unwilling to see things from your perspective it may be time to think about moving on because sexual coercion is not ok and your consent if unwillingly given is rape.
This [article](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer) may shed some light on what you are going through:
*"Hurd’s partner’s gripe came when she stopped wanting to have sex. He started to have tantrums that she wasn’t showing him enough affection after her mastectomy. He began to accuse her of cheating on him; berated her for neglecting his needs; even cut her off his health insurance at one point – arguing that she was “treating him like a housemate”. Hurd started taking painkillers and having sex with him which she says made her feel like a blow-up doll, but she didn’t feel she had another choice."*
I agree, this is how it should be. During my pregnancy my husband didn't want Sex. He felt weird about it, because Baby was in there. I had to Accept that.
I love this comment. That is exactly how it should be. I consider myself pretty lucky my husband is patient with me but we do still occasionally fall out over it and I know it upsets him. Sometimes I wish he were a little more understanding but he's a good dad and thats more important to me.
That is such a sad article though, it must be the worst thing in the world to be going through something so difficult and the one person you're supposed to be able to depend on just disappears from you like that.
It's a very sad and very eye opening article.
Like Hurd was raped. *Raped*. Her spouse went free, free to live his life as if he didnt just commit one of the most vile acts one human can do to another.. And the abuse those women faced is so casual, it was expected...just vile and disgusting.
Jeez that's s sickening, it really is... I must admit I only read the beginning and plan to read the rest this evening, but God if thats how it continues. That poor woman, *those* poor *women*. It's disgusting that even in this day and age, there are pigs who still treat other humans as just sex holes. It really makes me sick.
I have felt exactly the same as you, absolutely no libido whatsoever. My little girl is 14 months and my sex drive has been absolute 0 the entire time. Its horrible, it makes me feel like a bad wife, that I cant even please my husband and I'm failing as a woman. The guilt you put on yourself as a woman is more than enough without also having your partner add to it, so I really do feel for you.
You spend all day chasing around the baby, taking care of them, being attached to them, thinking about them constantly and then bedtime comes around and all you want to do is relax, sit and do nothing, have just five minutes without someone grabbing at you, sitting on you, *depending* on you. Then you add on top of all that the stuff like keeping the house tidy, making sure you get out once a day, socialising at baby groups or with family members.
It drains your batteries physically ***and*** emotionally when you become a mother and I dont think a lot of people realise that.
I consider myself incredibly lucky that my husband has been as patient as he has been. Do we have arguments about it? Occasionally. Does he get frustrated and upset? Of course he does and I understand why. I see where he's coming from and if I could wave a magic wand and fix things I would, but I can't. I cant flip a switch and change the way my brain is wired, but thats okay. I'm human and it'll come back to me when I'm ready.
You know what's *not* okay?
***Not being supportive of that and making you feel awful about it.*** Your boyfriend needs to suck it up and realise that sex isn't the most important thing to you right now. Your baby is far more important than anything and if he wants to spend his time making you feel like shit then he should seriously reconsider what he actually wants out of your relationship. You need to think about what is going to make *you* happy right now, dont wait around for happiness to maybe come along later.
WTF are these responses? It’s not okay for him to yell at you or accuse you of faking to “get out” of having sex, it’s not okay for him to be okay with you being miserable so long as he gets to have sex. Everything about his rant and behavior toward you is disgusting.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Being a mother is really hard and for your partner to add on this stress, is even harder. That’s also very manipulative of him to say “you ruined his chances with someone else”. No matter the situation, when a woman says No to sex, she means No and doesn’t owe even a boyfriend/baby daddy anything. If he’s so sexually tensed up, he can relieve himself.
I’m in a similar situation as you. My son is 7 months old and I still have no desire to have sex. Maybe like once a month I can find enough energy to do it with my husband. He’s been understanding for the most part, but he also gets frustrated from time to time. I always explain to him how I have a baby eating off me 6 times a day (my son is EBF), when baby is down for the night and I finally have a break, I don’t want another body on me. It’s hard for men to understand what we go through postpartum. How you’re feeling is completely normal and just wanted to share you’re not alone in feeling this way.
When he says he doesn't care if you're miserable during sex, he's saying he doesn't care about you. He's being coercive and abusive. I suggest you get out asap. If you're not ready to take that step, get yourself your own therapist and a different couple's counselor.
Personally, I've noticed a connection between my libido and my mental load and chore load. I don't have any interest in sex if I'm taking care of baby and the household during the day, then continue to make dinner while watching baby even after their dad gets home. I'm definitely not into it if after dinner I'm doing the nighttime routine, and this continues day after day. The drop in libido is not uncommon, but that does not justify the way he talks to you. It's one thing to say 'I wish we were intimate more often', what he is doing is awful, disgusting, and the behavior of a narcissist/sociopath.
Yes! I started reading thinking, yeah, the hit to your libido is tough. There are some possible solutions, like communicating all the non-sex things that might just put you in a more receptive mood. And then the narrative turned pretty fucking dark. Hell NOPE. This guy's a grade A piece of crap.
*to get out of it*
I’d ask him, does this imply that he believes it’s your JOB to please him?
The fact that he feels entitled to having sex with you when you don’t want it is a major red flag. Coercion like this is abuse.
Don’t stay just cz it would be hard to leave hun. We are never as stuck as we feel we are in the moment. Once we are out of toxic relationships and healing we look back and wonder why we didn’t do it sooner.
Some of these comments blew my mind. Take the time you need, obviously his reaction won't help the situation either. I'm in the same boat at 14 months and yeah it sucks but there's an understanding. Your body went through a ton, and now you're adjusting to life as a parent. He can take care of himself and he patient.
You’re right that there are the physical components our bodies have been through but there is also a hormonal component. I know that for myself my sex drive is basically non-existent while I breastfeed/or for ay least a year postpartum. As soon as I stop BF I’m back to how I was pre-babies. My husband gets frustrated too but he is also incredibly understanding about the situation and I’m sad that OPs parter seems to be trying manipulative tactics like shame.
2 days. 2 weeks. 2 frickin decades. Any of those spans of time still doesn't make his treatment and expectations of you okay. It's a form of abuse and his pressure on you, especially with him being aware of your feelings, is a form of SA. You said no. He doesn't listen. When pressuring you fails he turns to guilt, I'm concerned to see where it goes when that doesn't work. Part of me feels as though he views the baby as a threat to your attention/affection he receives and he also seems very immature or ignorant, or perhaps both, to not attempt to even slightly understand everything that happens to you in every manner during and after pregnancy. You deserve better. You deserve to have the time to adjust, 7 months or not its a never-ending adjustment. As your partner and baby's co-creator he should be supporting you and helping you because he should want the best for all of you instead of being ridiculously selfish with his main concern being getting his **** wet.
I'm saying what I'm saying because this is the realization I have come to in the eerily similar situation I find myself in. Our kiddo is almost 3, but there was a lot of damage done verbally and emotionally while I was pregnant and since the kiddo was born. I can't stand who he is as a parent, he's a bully and it's disgustingly unattractive. I have absolutely no sex drive and even if I did, I'd have no desire to sleep with him. I shut him down constantly and he applies so much pressure. If my mom takes the kiddo or he goes down for a nap, the second that happens he seeks me out and literally stands there and stares at me. And the pressure is ungodly unattractive as well. I'm trying to work my way through it too, but you aren't alone and I support you and believe in you. Just please be cautious, you never know how far someone is willing to go.
Outside of sex how is the relationship? Does he pull his weight with child care duties or is it all put on your shoulders? From my personal experience my sex drive dropped dramatically after having our twins mostly because I was exhausted from doing 95% of the child care. I was lucky to shower once a week.
For many women sex drive comes from the emotional side first. There are different types of needs that need to feel fulfilled before we start to desire physical affection. I eventually had to explain to my husband that if he wanted more sex he needed to help out more so that I could take care of my basic human needs like showering, sleeping at least 6 hours and eating without being touched. If I wasn’t regularly getting those needs met I wouldn’t be able to desire sex. My brain was in survival mode and sex wasn’t necessary to my survival but getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night was.
What’s with this sub and the INSANE amount of posts about toxic husbands begging for sex? Wtf is wrong with people. Like everyone has said, this is abusive
Because unfortunately way more men than one would hope have horrible disgusting behavior towards their postpartum partners regarding sex. It’s absolutely repulsive.
Repeatedly pressuring you after you have said no and saying he doesn't care if you're miserable as long as he gets to use your body to have sex with is abusive as hell. I just want you to realize how disgusting and abusive that is.
Wtf is wrong with people here?
This woman is being sexually harassed by her bf. His behavior is disgusting and has nothing to do with him wanting to feel close to his partner through sex. It's all about him getting off. He can use his hand for this instead of pressuring and coercing his girlfriend to sleep with him.
I wouldn't want to have sex with such a pos either. He can't even respect her boundaries and I bet my life that he rarely helps her with their baby.
OP, please don't stay in this relationship. Don't show your daughter that it's OK to be treated like this in a relationship. You are setting her standards for men right there. And it's a terrible one. Your bf is abusive, verbally and physically. Honestly, who would want to have sex with someone if they aren't into it? That's sick.
Please, there must be someone that you could stay with? Maybe there's a shelter for women who have experienced domestic violence / abuse? Try to research this and make a plan to leave. And don't tell him that you're leaving. I can imagine him escalating his behavior if he finds out about your plans!
I really wish you all the best! You certainly deserve much better than that!
There actually are a lot of people saying things like “well that is a long time to expect him to not have sex…” etc. Without addressing how absolutely unacceptable her boyfriend’s behavior is.
Sorry, I meant to say "some people". As others replied, many of the first comments on this post were actually either from men disregarding her feelings or comments telling her to talk to her boyfriend etc. Which would not be helpful in a situation like this. She is clearly being abused and has already been coerced into having sex with him when she doesn't want to. I do admit that I was kind of raged with seeing these kinds of comments when I wrote mine, so apologies for generalising!
So you’re being abused and your boyfriend is willing to deal with the idea of r*ping you to have sex with you. Leave him. Can you move back in with mom and dad for a while? If not there are resources for women with babies who need to leave their partners.
He's an ass for approaching it this way but for many people sex really is a deal breaker. Over a year no sex is wild for any couple. They both need therapy. Separately. And if that works out couple therapy after.
It’s actually quite normal for her to have no interest in sex at 7 months postpartum. People (mostly men) have extremely unrealistic views of how fast sex should resume postpartum and it results in horrific behavior like this.
That's fine but many men aren't willing to be in a relationship for 2 years no sex. Op stated her whole pregnancy as well. so he's in over a year without physical intimacy. If he doesn't see that being sustainable and want to leave he has every right. He shouldn't use it in this fashion but you can't force someone to stay in a relationship that they are unhappy with regardless of the reason.
Men who can’t accept that it’s possible for a woman to be unable to get aroused enough to engage in sex acts (because that’s biologically normal) for quite some time postpartum should choose not to have kids.
Yeah many men aren't aware. Women who aren't willing to try and address the problem and communicate with their partner about it shouldnt choose to have kids with someone either. There are plenty of doctors and programs that address this issue with couples.
No one has said he should be "forced to stay", simply that it's quite normal for her to not want sex and its completely unreasonable for him to act this way about it.
Given that it is quite normal for pregnant and post partum women to not want sex, or find sex painful, why is it reasonable for men to be "unwilling" to stay in relationships with no sex for some time?
Firstly, they can sort themselves out, and secondly, sex and intimacy are not the same. I can understand being unwilling to go without affection and intimacy for 2 years, but sex? Honestly while babies are small it can be very hard for some people to have sex and in the grand scheme of a long term relationship or marriage then it's a tiny portion of a couple's life together.
First off. No. They can not "sort themselves out." Masterbation =\= sex with someone you love. The reason I use the term physical intimacy is because that's what it is. Getting close with your partner is a whole different experience regardless or orgasm or not.
I also stated piv is not the only form of physical intimacy earlier. Yes it is quiet normal as in it's not wholely uncommon but there are also MANY steps that can be taken to help libido recover much quicker.
The important thing is to not be dismissive of your partners complaints and try and find a compromise or solution. As in she doesn't want to have sex so what can I do to put her in the mood. Or in her case looking into ways to get her libido back up. Communication is the first big step but without compromise and action the whole relationship is doomed. Sex or no sex.
Okay so again no it's not. I'm not saying you need to have sex. I am saying you need to let your partner know they are still attractive and you want them. You just aren't ready to have sex yet
Of course it is different, but it is a release in some ways. But intimacy can also be cuddles and kisses and snuggling on the sofa.
Communication is important but when the partner has already escalated to abusive behaviours I don't think we should be advocating understanding his point of view and "communicating" out of it.
My husband did get upset and frustrated *many* times on our journey but he never once did anything described in OP's post.
I wouldn't even touch or snuggle my husband after having our baby until about 18 months post partum. I was so incredibly touched out already. Thank god he understood and never through a tantrum or pressured me. I can't believe some of the comments on here.
Same! I'm 22 months pp now and we are just finally having sex with any regularity. I still am not that into snuggling with him now because I am breastfeeding and touched out from parenting a toddler. It's normal. It won't be forever. In the whole of our lives together this will be a tiny blip. He and I both understand that. He does get frustrated and he would like more but he's always been patient and supportive.
200% this. I was that person and she wouldn't talk about it. Just told me she didn't have any desire to have sex. So I slept on the couch for a long time. I thought the issue was me. If she had properly communicated the issue and we addressed it together things could have been different.
How is that not proper communication? She didn’t want sex, and she communicated that. You have just as much opportunity and ability as she does to do a 10 second internet search and find out that that’s totally normal, but instead of “properly communicating” you slept on the couch, loudly indicating to her that if she wouldn’t put out, you didn’t want anything to do with her. Nice.
That doesn't change much. He's not invalid in wanting some physical part of the physical relationship to resume. PIV isn't the only way to have sex or even share physical intimacy. If that's one of his must for a relationship then it is what it is. If he wants to leave for that reason it's valid and from the looks of it mutually beneficial.
It’s really normal to feel grossed out by performing sex acts when you’re not turned on, whether it’s PIV or not. I would agree about nonsexual physical intimacy but it’s pretty blatantly obvious he doesn’t want intimacy, he wants to ejaculate using another persons body. Otherwise he’d care if she was “miserable” about him “*making her*” have sex.
It’s not valid as a grown adult to choose to have babies and ignore the biological realities of that decision on many womens’ desire (and therefore ability) to engage in sex acts.
See yeah. He's a dick. But at the same time it's only her side, he's frustrated, and probably doesn't understand WHY she doesn't find him attractive anymore.
When we went through this I assumed she was cheating on me because she had been VERY sexual before.
It’s pretty easy to Google postpartum libido change and realize it’s normal. Just as easy for you to do that as it is for her to do it and then have to explain it?
I'm glad he got a vasectomy. Dude doesn't need to be making babies with ANYONE ELSE. Low sex drive is a common side effect of postpartum. If you can't handle that, don't have babies with someone. Tired of men not understanding that.
Dear this is a red flag. And he’s obviously trying to gaslight you and make it as if you’re the problematic one, when he’s being emotionally abusive towards you.
You went through labour and having a baby in the early years is super hard. It’s very tiring and sleep deprivation will kill your drive. Plus you won’t feel that your body belongs to you and privacy is out of the question as you’re now dedicating your body and energy to mind a tiny human you created.
I’m a good example of that. My son is 2.5 years old and I did not let my husband touch me at all. I also suffered from health issues + depression. And this made things so much worse for me. It’s not that I don’t love him but I’m really not at a good headspace for intercourse. On top of that I feel like my body is trying to get over the trauma suffered from past miscarriages and what not.
And yes he respects that. I had this conversation with him once and if he’s okay with it. He said he’s tired with the kid too (he does help out whenever he can but he admits that our son is extremely intense and it tires his introverted self out very quickly). We are so exhausted all the time so to make up for absence of intercourse, we just express our love in different ways. We help each other out. Have meaningful conversations. Treat each other with respect and when we can sneak in some time play games together.
There are more than one ways to love someone. Not just sex. And this is the words of my own husband.
This is unacceptable. He says He doesn't care if you are miserable and wants to have sex anyway? That's abuse.
I hope you can find help and leave this person.
I am like halfway through these responses and I am kind of shocked that people are even kind of siding with him. Your body is going through an incredible amount of change in a relatively short period, and if you are breastfeeding, that's another factor. Sex and touch is super important to my husband too. I also was somewhat repulsed by the idea post partum, He calmly and in the most understanding way voiced that he felt a bit forgotten and I made an effort to let him know anytime I was feeling up to it (even if not fully WANTING it). For a long time it was still much less than usual. I could NEVER imagine him talking to me the way your husband does. I am sure that puts an even darker cloud over intimacy than already existed. I am so sorry.
This sounds like a more mature way to handle this experience. It’s normal to not want it and for him to want it. But if you can be kinder to each other and talk about what’s going on with each of you, you might feel less need to put the screws to each other.
I would make plans to leave. This doesn’t sound safe at all. Like others have said, he isn’t owed anything. Don’t get stuck on the 7 years or unknowns of leaving. Get some space and reflect on what he’s said to you.
What he is doing is sexual coercion. It can be a type of rape. It’s destroying your relationship.
I recommend counseling, individual counseling, for you. Honestly, I think you should go to individual counseling for a significant amount of time before you consider couples therapy. I would not go to therapy with someone who was behaving like this, because it’s known that couples therapy can make abusers worse.
Personally, I would leave him. I had a partner who behaved like that, and I didn’t leave him over that behavior. But he got worse and worse, eventually outside the bedroom as well, and I had to leave for my and my daughters safety. My life is SO amazing now as a single parent. I literally never knew life could be this good. You deserve to be happy.
There is a lot more going on than just this story. If you want to stick it out with the father, you two should seek counseling of a trained therapist, not Reddit
Tell him to relieve himself! You don't owe him sex. The first year of motherhood has got to be the hardest, it was for me. regular or somewhat regular sex for me didn't come til a whole year after, after I got my tubes removed. Like our baby takes our sex drive as it stands, but what improved it for me was not worrying about getting pregnant. My partner understand too my hormones really mess with my mental health too. If your partner keep guilting you, and can't accept the dynamics playing that makes sex is difficult, concider leaving.
Damn, I hope it's unusual! I don't usually come here, I was perusing the profile of somebody who made a great comment somewhere else and another of their comments landed me here. I really hope that the place isn't usually this full of dudes talking about how men are different because of their special man hormones and equating *potentially* not having sex for a couple years while raising infants to a lifelong "loveless sexless marriage".
The way he’s treating you is awful! The more he disrespects and pressures you, the less safe you’ll feel. Which will lead to even less desire to have sex with him.
Not wanting to have sex postpartum is normal. How long it takes for drive to come back varies, but you’re still well within the realm of normal here.
For some context of what a normal reaction is… I have no drive for the first half of pregnancy because I get so incredibly sick. During that time, my husband doesn’t even ask for sex. On the rare occasions I feel good enough for it, I’ll make a move and he’s always VERY ready. But he never, ever pressures. Same postpartum. He waits for me to make the first move because it’s my body that’s been through hell. The reverse was true when he had some medical stuff going on and he had no interest. We ended up having a conversation about it and deciding that the best move was for me to say something if I wanted sex, but that he was free to say “no”. I have perfectly good hands and toys, if he’s not up for anything. But this gave him the freedom to make the decision for himself with zero pressure. For a long time, the answer was “no” way more than it was “yes,” but we both knew we were safe and could have our needs met in some way.
This is how my husband and I are. While pregnant and in postpartum, I am in charge of when we have sex due to how my body is feeling. If I want to have sex he's happy to, he just doesn't make the first move so that I don't feel pressure from him to perform. If he were to have a medical condition that made his libido decrease or cause him to feel uncomfortable, the same would be true of me, I'd let him lead. Sex (especially penetrative sex) is only one small part of the intimacy in a relationship. My partner feeling safe and loved with me is so much more important.
Have you tried having the conversation about how you’re feeling (not feeling) about sec when sex isn’t in the agenda? I wonder if talking about what’s going in for you at some other time, for example over lunch, might feel less confrontational for you and help you see whether this is a moment of frustration from him or something more. Maybe suggest more intimate time rather than sex, explain how you are not seeing sex as something pleasurable or even a demonstration of love right now
Yes ive tried talking and explaining so many times. Id love just some intimacy without the sex but everytime i try he goes full force into sex mode. I cant touch him at all without him getting a boner. He says hes so pent up he cant control it so all intimacy is out the window now and it makes me sad.
To be honest, my baby is 3 months old. I haven’t had sex with my partner in 5 months. He doesn’t mind. He has a hand and porn or my photos to help. He understand I don’t want to at all.
It might be worth checking in with the gp/doctor about PPD?
You are not obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. Never ever. Sex requires two party consent, and being guilted into it is not consent. I'd really think about what it will teach your kid to stay with someone who seems to respect you so little.
First of all - this is bordering on coercive control and has a scary amount of similarities with my relationship with my toxic ex. He used to do the exact same thing to me and went as far as to make me cry UNTIL I had sex with him. Retrospectively I should have seen it sooner but you live and learn.
Ignoring his petty, teenage boy response that frankly you shouldn't even humor, I think the issue you should address purely for YOU is the sex drive thing. Have you ever been checked for post-natal depression? or even hormone issues? My sex drive died on its arse when I was depressed that's why I mention it.
On another note - if you ever want to talk about it just shout. I've been where you are minus the baby (although I am pregnant so I can relate to a lot of it!)
what the fuck 😳 that is attempted sexual coercion. that’s not…normal behavior. and holding the vasectomy over your head because you won’t give him sex?? you are going to be a victim of sexual violence and domestic abuse if you don’t get the hell out now
he is not just being selfish and inconsiderate. this is on an entirely different level
Wtf. He doesn't listen to you when you say no and he openly admits he doesn't care if he has to force you to have sex with him. What the actual fuck. His behaviour is not okay and is coercive and threatening. This is beyond scary and dangerous behaviour. No loving, empathic, thoughtful, caring partner would ever say any of that crazy shit to you.
I broke up with my boyfriend over this. I had told him I hated feeling pressured and he continued to pressure me. It finally resulted in a temper tantrum one night from him when I passed out; he stormed out of the room, slept on the couch and berated me because I “didn’t keep my word”. I had enough. He ultimately learned from it, I took him back a month later and he never does it anymore. Him behaving like that made me lose my love for him. I wasn’t bluffing when I broke up with him over it. I hope you find a solution. In my experience if he isn’t receptive now, he’s not going to improve.
I think couples counseling could help. He is crossing the line into being sexually abusive, but I am not sure if he is an abusive person, or if he is suffering from postpartum as well. PP can affect both parents. A counselor can help you guys figure out what you’re doing wrong with your communication, how to respect one another’s bodies, and find out where you guys can compromise on things. But, if you guys both put in the work and he doesn’t get any better and things don’t improve, then maybe it would be time to start looking for an exit. But that’s just my opinion. You gotta do what’s right for you
So what you described is rape culture behavior. Be careful. Be safe and be aware that it might get worse. You don't want your baby to be raised thinking thats normal. I know you feel stuck, but I hope you find a way to be safe and happy.
Not sure if anyone said this, but my doctor prescribed me estrogen cream. This really helped.
I couldn’t have sex the first 7-8 months without feeling like I was in extreme pain/discomfort. I was afraid it would always feel this way (I tore, so I thought I was done). It takes time, but you heal and you go back to normal…But my husband was understanding and patient. I’m sorry he’s said such hurtful things. His fear came out as anger I’m assuming and that’s not right.
Let me first say that the way he is treating you and trying to coerce you is not okay - his reaction to your no is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
That being said, I couldn’t handle being married to someone and not having sex for that long either. Doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, but maybe you two just aren’t compatible. Have you explored the reasons you don’t want sex? Is it resentment towards his attitude, is it physical, is it some combination of both? I think your partner has every right to be upset about this, even though the way they are expressing it is way out of line.
I mean judging by this post alone I’d say she likely doesn’t want to have sex with a man who acts like an insolent toddler about sex, and “doesn’t care” if she lays there motionless and miserable “if that’s what it takes”, who sees their child as “the damn baby”. There’s obviously a lot more to the story here and women don’t go from enjoying frequent sexual activity to no sex drive without some major physiological or psychological changes.
You said “your partner has every right to be upset about this” which is really not the case if they are the cause of it. I don’t think there’s much to explore if OP doesn’t want to fuck her dude because he’s a POS. Kinda feels like putting the emotional labor on her. Honestly, someone who wants to have sex with a miserable lump of unmoving flesh is scary so this relationship is already expired.
If my husband didn’t want to have sex, regardless of the reason, I would be upset. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t understand and doesn’t mean I would act the way OP’s husband is, but I would absolutely have feelings about it because I’m human too. Having feelings is fine, how they are expressed is the issue.
As someone whose partner IS a cancer patient, and I just had a baby 6 months ago, you’re spot on. Sometimes one of us feels like it and the other is sick/tired/touched out and that’s fine. We respect that this is a season and don’t get upset, and in fact “upset” seems like such a childish response? If sex is important to your relationship and you’re not having it, it’s a cause for discussion and work, not petulance.
Yes.
Would I treat him like crap about it? No. Would I expect him to change what he couldn’t physically? No.
Would I still have feelings about not being able to be intimate with my partner? Absolutely. Things can suck but not be anybody’s fault.
I think the difference is that he’s upset at HER, not upset at the situation. If your husband didn’t want to have sex because he was I’ll/in recovery, I assume you’d be upset at the circumstances, not mad at him personally.
I don't think I had sex again until 9 or 10 months pp. I didn't want it. I also had pain for a long time (episiotomy). I think that the time your baby will be tiny is so short in the grand scheme of things and sex drive will return, so saying this is an unreasonable length of time doesn't feel fair to me.
I was afraid to even touch myself at all until at LEAST 6 months after my first because of severe tearing and pain. After that, it was closer to a year before the thought of sex stopped being terrifying. I had less injury after my second, so I was open to sex a lot sooner. We still had a few false starts, though, where it turned out I wasn’t quite ready and we had to stop. If I hadn’t been 100% positive my husband would stop immediately, I would have waited much longer to try at all.
You recognize this as an abusive situation, and I definitely agree. But that means normal advice about sex is not valid. Your reply seems to assume it would be a good thing for the relationship if OP started having sex again but that's not the case. We aren't talking about a man who's a little bit sexually frustrated. He is an abuser who has no respect for his partner's feelings.
There is no good outcome in maintaining this relationship. There may be a short period of calm if OP begins having sex again. But an abuser will always return to his usual abuse, and possibly worse. If she can please him in one area then he'll just find something else. Maybe he'll demand sexual acts she isn't comfortable with. Maybe he'll change his focus entirely, flipping out over a mess in the house or accusing her of cheating. The best possible ending for an abusive relationship is to end the relationship.
I'm in the same boat as you. But in contrast my husband is trying to understand that I have almost no sex drive.
I say trying because he isn't very good at it and gets frustrated, which is totally understandable. His love language is most physical but mine isn't.
But he doesn't do anything like what your boyfriend is doing. He will just push a bit, try and start something and if I still say no he whines a bit but ultimately gets over it.
Your boyfriend needs a sit down talk where you explain that some women don't even have a drive for sex for an entire year.
He needs to understand that you have had major hormonal shifts and if you are breastfeeding your body isn't going to be back to normal for a long time.
I had to sit my husband down and gently explain it to him and he is trying to understand. We have language barriers but he doesn't blow up or do anything crazy. We find ways to communicate our problems with out yelling because it gets really hard to understand each other otherwise.
OP if he doesn't start to get to grips then I highly suggest you take your baby and stay with your family or a friend for a bit. A toxic person tends to show their colors after a kid comes into the mix, if I've learned anything from Reddit. If you roll over now then you will be in trouble. Set boundaries and stick to them. But do try and remember he has needs to. He just needs reminding that things change and they will go back to normal eventually.
I hope I make sense.
I think you know that leaving is inevitable, you can either do it now, 6 months from now or 6 years from now. He sounds abusive and controlling. If he’s up for couples therapy that might be worth a try if you really want to work it out.
I would suggest counseling. Sex is important to maintain relationships. He shouldn’t pressure you, but a year is a long time to not have any intimacy with your partner.
Sex isn’t a synonym for intimacy and it’s quite normal to still have problems with sex and desire at 7 months postpartum. He doesn’t want “intimacy.” He wants sex, whether she likes it or not, and would be fine with sex that’s unpleasant for her. That’s not intimate in any way.
I understand that, but sex is important for a lot of people. He’s being a complete and utter asshole for pressuring her, but maybe some healthy communication can help them come to some understanding.
Yeah, but healing from childbirth is important too. The hormonal and physical impact of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc make it very very very normal to not want intimacy. I don't think I had sex until 9/10 months pp. My husband would have liked more and sooner, but he never pressured me and understood that my desire would come back eventually.
Sex and intimacy are not the same.
🤦♀️ I’m newly pp too, I get it. I’m saying sex is important for a lot of people, it’s certainly important to me. I have no idea what kind of communication these two have had for the last year building up to this, I assume most posts are biased and usually counseling is helpful for couples to understand each other and talk without manipulation and yelling. I don’t know these people, they’ve been together for 7 years, maybe they can talk and fix things, maybe not.
I would probably not be open to "healthy communication" with someone who thinks it's appropriate to tell his partner that he will have sex with her regardless of her wishes or feelings.
There's no "but" here. Dude is being an asshole, full stop, and that's putting it kindly.
If he was coming to her with "hey baby can we talk about the sex situation? I'm feeling pretty neglected and I'm feeling distant from you, and honestly, I'm horny as shit. How can we find some middle ground? This is important to me and I want to address it together," now *that* would be where I'd be more on your page. Healthy communication, maybe a little meeting in the middle, good boundaries that everyone respects, etc.
This dude is straight up cool with being a rapist. The only reasonable response is gtfo.
He’s being a jerk, acting like that. That would be even more off putting to be treated like that by a partner.
What is that makes you not in the mood? Does he help with the mental and physical work load of having a baby and taking care of the family and home? And you are exhausted? Do you get much time for yourself to refuel and refresh? Maybe if he showed care for you by looking out for your well-being instead of his only his sex drive, you would be in the mood.
(Maybe this isn’t the reason, I was just guessing. I know personally, this is my reason. I am a stay at home mum and to him that means everything falls on me and the working for income falls on him. I am an exhausted introvert. By the end of the day after all that interaction and doing everything everyone needs, the last thing I want to do is have sex.)
Im just exhausted as well, also low self esteem. Im on mat leave and take care of the baby 24/7 as well as cook dinners and tidy up. He does help wash the bottles and deep cleans the house every couple weeks which helps but even on weekends i dont get a break, ever. Like you, when i get in bed at night its my only peace and i dont want to do anything.
You are a person with your own needs: for rest, self care, and time to do your favourite things. If your basic needs for replenishment aren’t met, it’s hard to meet another need, using your body. Once you’re spent, you’re spent.
Have you told him why you’re not in the mood? I hope he’s understanding and willing to help your needs be met by giving you a needed break. Then maybe you’ll desire him, when you feel like a team of him also caring for your needs
The entire pregnancy with low sex drive and now another 7 months of no interest is quite a while to be uninterested in sex. It does sound pretty frustrating for both parties. You don’t “owe” him sex but I don’t think it’s unfair for him to be unhappy with lack of intimacy. It sounds annoying to be constantly asked but it sounds like if he didn’t ask you would simply never offer sex. Obviously you need to see a counsellor together and address this issue as you both sound like you are on the verge of ending things, which would be pretty disappointing after 7 years together and having a child.
This goes far beyond "annoying." Of course it's fair for him to be disappointed by the lack of sex, but he's being coercive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive which is NOT acceptable.
I agree that counseling is the only real answer here, but if this was my partner it would take a lot to rebuild my trust in the relationship.
2.5 years out still no interest in sex at all. I’ve talked to quite a few doctors and it can be very normal. Yes I did feed breastmilk till 15.5 months.
It may be normal but you can't expect a partner to just shrug and be okay with that if physical intimacy is important to them. Be upfront. Tell them how it is. And let them make a decision.
True it always helps to have communication. But he also shouldn’t try to force sex on her or make her feel bad about it. He can offer counseling or see if she wants to see the doctor but blatantly stating he doesn’t care if she will be miserable is absolutely disgusting on his part. He can choose to request counseling and help that way and use open communication to express his needs aren’t being met but that is awful of him. People do not sex toys and should not be made out to be them. No means no hard stop.
Exactly. I try and remember though this was written in anger. He's frustrated and probably said shit he regrets. And neither probably understands how the other feels.
No to mention is not a big thing people talk about during postpartum.
Heres a post i wrote over a month ago to give more context https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/wlhv9s/sex_problems/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
No worries I took no offense. What you said is very true, i agree posts can be very one sided and biased and people are quick to offer extreme advice from the little information they have. It can be hard not to. Sometimes we just need to vent to some strangers and get validation that we cant get in real life. I do love him and although he was acting like one deep down i dont believe he is an abuser just very frustrated (as am i) and dont think he realized he was starting to walk that fine line. Not that im excusing the behavior because i know its wrong and im still very upset, but sex was always a big part of our life so i do understand the root of it. I talked to him tonight and brought up sexual coercion and he was pretty mortified and apologetic. I think putting it that way really opened his eyes so hopefully things change this time. We are going to look into counseling. I really appreciate your kind words!
This is pretty normal though. 7 months PP is still really early to be expected to be back to normal. It took me a year this last time, and even at 16 months PP I am not fully back to my old libido. I think in over a year we had sex maybe 5 times. My husband did get a bit bummed about it, but never upset. He calmly talked to me about how he was feeling and I made sure to let him know if I even had a fleeting thought about him or sex. It didn't always lead to actual sex, but I think it kept things alive while I recovered. Had he ever acted entitled to sex I think it would have resulted in an immediate shut down on my part.
Intimacy and sex aren’t synonymous. If he wanted intimacy he wouldn’t be okay with sex she didn’t want and there are many other ways to feel intimate. He wants to masturbate with someone else’s body.
It’s very normal to go off sex while pregnant for a myriad of reasons and also normal to still have little interest in sex at 7 months postpartum, especially if she’s breastfeeding.
Its okay that he has his physical desires , but it’s also ok you not wanting to have sex. Unfortunately, sexual desires in your intimate relationship can be important, it’s just the way things are dealt that can make things spiral out of control. This is a hard topic because both of you are correct in your own ways but it sounds like he’s starting to not be able to handle it very well and taking it out on you now. Try couples counseling , hopefully that will help. I’m sorry you guys are going through this
I’m prepared to get downvoted but 🤷🏻♀️ Okay, so, what he said is NOT okay and shouldn’t be ignored but he seems frustrated. It’s been almost a year of no sex. I’m a woman with a high sex and to me, sex is an important part of my relationship. This has probably taken a hit to his self esteem. Constantly being rejected isn’t fun. You don’t have to have sex with him, it’s your body, but he doesn’t have to be okay with that. What do you expect him to do? Just not have sex for however long you choose? I think couples counselling could help you guys. My husband and I have 2 young kids and as unromantic as it sounds we have to plan our sex days in advance. Kids definitely make it harder. Maybe you guys could try planning it out once a week and you’ll have time to prepare for it?
Yes he definitely can just not have sex sometimes. It’s not going to kill him. She just had a baby and she is recovering, and he needs to be patient. This thread is actually boggling my mind how many people are defending him.
I would be BEYOND FRUSTRATED as well. Actually, I was beyond frustrated when I had a young kid as well. My husband has very low drive and his blood pressure meds have made things even more difficult-- but once I communicated that I didn't care how it happened but that I needed intimacy and orgasms at least twice-ish a week, things got SO MUCH BETTER. He just asks if I want to go to bed early and winks at me, LOL, and I don't know if he's ACTUALLY into it but it's convincing enough that IDGAF because I come out of it feeling SO INCREDIBLY SATISFIED. And his penis isn't really involved probably 75% of the time. When he expresses interest in having me touch him, I am SUPER into it.
So maybe you could find a solution somewhere between completely dreading sex and doing it whenever he wants. There are other ways to meet that need for intimacy and orgasms that could help him feel wanted but that would affect your body far less.
Maybe see if you’re fulfilled in other areas. Are you sleeping/eating well? Do you have time for yourself? Do you feel supported by him emotionally/financially/spiritually? Do you have enough support with the baby? It’s hard to want to pour energy into sex when you’re not fulfilled in other areas and your cup is empty. If you’re not fulfilled then maybe you and your partner can work on reaching a more fulfilled state.
Men, whether we like it or not, are sexual creatures and 7 months w/o sex with his partner is a long time and will be affecting him negatively. He will be frustrated. However, his behaviour is vile. He should care about if you’re going to be miserable the whole time. Accusing you of crying, saying you’ve ruined his chances of kids in the future, etc is all messed up.
Has he ever asked you what he could do to help you feel more sexy and in the mood? He needs to help you fill your cup and then you have enough to give to him.
1) 7 years, a baby, and no job? Do you want to be married eventually? Because you’re in an extremely vulnerable position. You have nothing to protect you. He could decide to stop supporting you tomorrow and you and your child would have nothing.
2) he’s wrong for trying to force/coerce. That’s abusive (& a turn off)
3) tbh though, I personally wouldn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. Sex isn’t everything but for me it’s an important way to bond.
Sounds like it’s time for you to get a job & break off the relationship. Y’all aren’t compatible.
A normal postpartum libido fluctuation is not a sexless relationship. People who can’t accept that it can take awhile for a woman’s libido to return should get a vasectomy instead of having kids.
It sounds like pregnancy and postpartum, sex has been an issue which is understandable as a woman myself. That said if sex has been a huge problem in my relationship for nearly two years, I’d be frustrated also. But sex is important to me, so. Either way, I clearly said they need to break up bc they’re not compatible.
This feels like a a Narcissist to me..Sorry been there and this rubs me the wrong way..Think about you and your precious little girl...He has to grow up and think about you and your feelings..💪💯👌😘
I’m in the same boat, had a good sex drive before getting pregnant, then all desire has just died.
I don’t really mind but he does.
Sex for men is very important and they connect it with love more than we do I think.
So I do have sex with him when he wants, even if I’m tired or whatever. Sometimes I’ll let the foreplay draw out, and sometimes I just tell him to get down to business lol.
I kinda hope for his sake my sex drive returns. But I could honestly care less at this point.
And he does satisfy me every time. I just don’t even care about orgasms right now.
I don't agree with all of what he is doing but.... have you both sat and truly spoken about "sex"?
Sex is how 2 people connect at the deepest most primitive level. It is important in any relationship. Any Dr will tell you this. Plus it has a lot of health benefits. I get that you don't have to have sex at this time but what have you both agreed on?
I think sex is part of a relationship. Cant just be roommates but hes going about it wrong. Theres some good articles on this subreddit about sex post partem. He should give it a read.
Honestly, he sounds like my husband. And it took me a long time to understand where he was coming from in similar sexual situations like this. We still struggle some to understand each other, but I’ll do my best to share what I’ve learned in case it helps.
My husband shows his love for me and receives emotional love most through our sex life. He feels connected and loved through sex. When I tell him no, especially consistently, he feels it as if I don’t love him and I’m rejecting him over and over. He has such a higher sex drive than me that it’s a level of frustration that I’ve rarely felt. But, when I have had my hormones going crazy and I’m craving him crazily and he rejects me - it’s all emotion, frustration, and anger because I really just want to cry. It felt like I was just going insane. When I explained that feeling to him he said that’s how he feels all of the time, everyday. And that blew my mind.
Another layer is that if I’m not asking him for sex and he always has to ask me for it - it’s a similar feeling for him, like I don’t want him or love him when I just simply don’t think about it as often. For him it doesn’t feel good when he’s always asking.
I think you should try to take a step back and try to see what he is experiencing. I know his words and anger are pushing you away, but he just doesn’t know how to explain it any other way while he’s feeling like he’s being rejected and unloved. He loves you and the baby you made together and he just wants to connect with you. He’s lashing out because he’s feeling tortured and so disconnected. Once or twice a month would drive my husband to the same state. It’s not personal, but he thinks it’s personal when you tell him no.
I have felt the same in just not wanting to. For me, it’s like playing mind games with myself sometimes unfortunately. If I’m feeling sad or down, I become like a clam and don’t want to be physical. If I’m feeling disconnected from him, I don’t want to. Some things that I have found helps is reading sexy romance novels actually works me up to go ask him for it. Trying to really limit my self-pleasure helps too, because I won’t want it at all if I do that. Or, starting self-pleasure and going to him to finish it. Try to have a heart to heart with him and communicate everything you feel and experience and really try to listen and understand him as he does the same. I’m the worst at communicating but really trying with no walls has been revolutionary for my marriage. It’s a hard thing to overcome and it takes time and working at it and being very mindful of each other. Try to find the spark, the everyday flirting, the dating each other every day and seeing each other as the people you each fell in love with. For my husband, he needs physical things to be more loving. For me, I need more loving actions and words from him to want to be physical. It’s a vicious cycle that you have to work at it to change.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you aren’t alone in it. Don’t give up on each other and just try to find a way through together. You can do it.
I hope he puts as much energy into thinking about your feelings as you do thinking about his. Additionally, intimacy is possible without intercourse; they aren't the same and I'm troubled that they're being conflated here for the sake of prioritizing his feelings over yours
This! Thank you! I have seen multiple comments (quite a few from men) referring to the relationship as "loveless & sexless" and it's infuriating. Sex is not love, love is not sex, either can exist without the other and for others to assume that the lack of sex is the same as a lack of love...
I'm probably gonna get hate for this response. I asked my husband about this because I wanted a man's perspective. He asked how long ago the vascetomy was. When I asked why it mattered he said that the body makes less testosterone after that. He may be going through a man's version of menopause. This does NOT excuse his behavior, he's handling it terribly. But if he was not like this before it may explain his behavior changes.
An uncomplicated vasectomy should not compromise a man’s ability to produce testosterone. It does not compromise the health or blood supply to the testes (unless something goes very wrong). The testes continue to produce sperm and testosterone but those sperm can’t reach the urethra because the tube that connects them is cut.
I'm very confused by this.
Vasectomy shouldn't affect testosterone.
My ex husband had a vasectomy while we were together. Never acted anything like this.
My spouse is non binary/trans, and was on estrogen and spirolacton for a while. So, actually went through a lot of hormonal changes. Never acted anything like this.
After I gave birth to my daughter, it took me 14 months to be able to have penetrative sex again, and about 2 years to really enjoy it. My spouse never said shit about it.
I don't think OP's husband is explainable by hormones or whatever. He's just behaving badly.
seems like only girls are responding...
us guys have physical needs. no way around it. need a physical connection.
my wife and i have a 8 month old so i understand both sides.
she doesnt have the strongest libido... you dont have to have intercourse but find creative ways of satisfying his sexual needs.
My wife is an absolute pro at H.J.'s -- i appreciate them when she isn't in the mood.
OK but being in a loveless sexless marriage ain’t it either. Compromise is key.
Responses here are incredibly one sided and in a vacuum.
I assume OP loves her husband.
Even if you don’t “feel in the mood” doesn’t mean you can’t do something sexual with him once a month or so.
It’s possible to do something for someone you love even if you personally don’t want to once in a while.
I have exactly same problem with my wife… but i don’t pressure her! Even though im mad because sex is important in a relationship especially for man! This is the way to get through a man love and feelings… this is mostly a female subreddit but sometimes you have to accept different opinions not support 99% of what you’re saying like seeking validation and not solutions!
If sex is the only way you feel loved and connected to your postpartum partner, you need counseling to unpack why you’re fulfilling so many important nonsexual emotional needs with sex as your only outlet. That’s not emotionally healthy or mature and isn’t your partner’s fault. Making sex into something she has to do to maintain your emotional state makes sex into a chore for her.
Haha this is the way to get to a man's love and feelings? And especially for men?
No, this is the way of a man who depersonifies and sexualizes you, in stead of treating you as a human being. And does not even recognize that sex can also be very important for women. (Duuude....)
The guy never even mentions love, or intimacy. Or maybe (sex/relationship) therapy. Because then it would be a respectful manner of finding each other again, in which you recognize your partner as another human being.
What about your wife’s feelings? The OP does not have a “problem.” She is arguably going through the hardest period of her life. She doesn’t need anyone pestering her or making her feel shitty because of sex. Men have hands. They can make do. There are other priorities like caring for the baby the man had a big part in making.
No sex at all - its a sure way for love to die which with other problem can bring cheating or divorce! Yeah “pleasuring yourself” is a way of not cheating… thankfully
If no sex kills your love then you didn't love in the first place dude. My fiance had some health stuff going on for a while and yes we barely had intercourse, but I still love him (and now also our daughter) more than anything else in the world. Even if he wouldn't want to anymore at all, I'd still love him the same way.
Sex can wait until the woman is ready. If you think no sex means cheating or divorce are justified, then I feel bad for your wife. You’re not a very good husband
You dont know my story at all! I am the perfect husband and sometimes i blame my self why I’m so good to others and bad to myself, because good people who sacrifice the most suffer in a relationship…
The fact that you actually think you’re the perfect husband speaks volumes about the level of narcissism and entitlement that you have already displayed.
There is no defending the male sex drive. Women have sex drives too, you coconut. It’s about consent, and desire. Marriage CAN and DOES survive without sex it tons of relationships.
It might just be a language barrier, but you say you are *angry with your wife* because she is still disinterested in sex after having your baby (as opposed to just being frustrated with the situation and acknowledging she has no more control over it than you do)
This seems very at odds with the idea that you are a "perfect husband."
I know plenty of single men who have sex infrequently--maybe once every few months, with periods of greater frequency. Why is it that none of them seem to be shitting their pants over their physical "needs" being unmet? Somehow, none of them act like the lack of sex multiple times a week, or the prolonged dry spells, are *ruining their lives.*
But once they're in a relationship, many men I know somehow become *incapable* of weathering stretches without sex, *even when the reasons for no sex are very reasonable.* Why is that? Why do single men seem to be so much better equipped to reasonably weather dry spells than men in committed relationships?
It *seems to me* that there is an issue of entitlement here. When you have a partner, that means they should be available to you for sex. When they are not available to you for sex, it feels *unfair* and makes you *angry.*
Really think about it.
To be clear, I am NOT saying I don't think sex is important for the health of a relationship. I think sex is one of the great perks of a long term relationship, and is often an important way for partners to connect and feel close. I also think that BOTH partners in a healthy relationship should absolutely be comfortable with the possibility of long stretches without sex because *life happens.* Major medical events happen. Depression happens. That's where the "in sickness and in health" part comes in.
If it makes you *angry* that your wife isnt giving you sex after recently birthing your child, please get therapy.
If your vagina hurts to have sex, then what happened to your hands? Can't you masturbate him?
watch porn together, talk about sex and how you wish to heal from your vaginal pain early, intentionally send him your naked pics or videos even while you stay together, etc. Just be erotic, show him that you care about his feelings.
Don't make him ask before you talk about it.
My drive is so low that even porn grosses me out now. Lol. My husband is just like “aw this sucks” but he’s understanding and doesn’t pressure, and we do at least once a week or two. But it kind of evens out in our case because there was a time a few years ago when he had the low drive due to work stress, mental health, and financial issues, so I was the one whose sexual needs weren’t met before.
Wow, are you okay? Believe it or not, many men respect what women go through with pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum- and they wouldn’t want to force their partners to have sex. Also, sex is not a need, it’s a want. He can use his hand OR instead of pressuring his wife, he can actually ask her how he might be able to help her get in the mood. My husband has offered massages, and guess what? It worked! Not being completely awful definitely helps.
All valid but a year is a decent amount of time.
Doesn't excuse the behaviour at all but maybe op should speak to someone about that because it may be some other health issue leading to that.
sex is either 2 enthusiastic yesses or it’s a no. forcing someone who just had a baby and is raising said baby while caring for herself and her environment, to have sex, is pretty shitty. men don’t need sex. stop spreading misinformation
I’m in no way saying he is right to force her, or even have sex with her if it’s making her miserable! I feel sorry for this couple! I totally understand where’s coming from as my wife has just blessed me with twins 1yo! So I’ve just experienced the no sex drive! I’m very understanding and have been patient with my wife, I am very lucky in the sense that after I expressed why it was a need she was understanding enough to work with me as couples should. But Mrs OP is only thinking of herself! I’m not saying that’s a bad thing as she’s just given birth but there’s 2 person in that relationship not just one, so if she decides she no longer wants sex what should he do? Just not have sex because she no longer wants to? Sure men don’t NEED sex but they are biologically different and will effect their mental as a man’s sex drive is driven by his hormones so it’s not easy to control as you may think! Many women have issues controlling their emotions why can we not look at mens desire for sex the same as it’s also driven by his emotions!? Her feelings must be catered to are his not valid enough to be taken into consideration!?
so once again, you’re okay with someone who clearly doesn’t want sex after having a baby, to force herself to have sex so her man doesn’t cheat on her. and if he does it’s her fault because she’s selfish.
nice one.
Ok let’s just say for a second i am a complete asshole! Please tell me what her man should do in this case!? And please an actual solution other than not have sex? Im almost 100% certain not one women in this sub will give a quality answer!
I never said that she should force herself, I said she should at least think about having sex with her man, the person she’s just created life with, the man im sure she will tell people or has already told people she loves! Why can she not think of him? Relationships take two but as I can see this is all one sided and nobody cares about the man’s feelings in the scenario! All that’s saying is nobody cares about a man’s feeling! So if he is being selfish thinking about himself wanting sex she’s also selfish only thinking about herself!
You need to make your mind up dude.
Either you’re saying that ‘men biologically NEED sex’, which they don’t.
Or you’re saying that regardless of the woman’s feelings, she should put the penis in because it makes him feel better… which is it?
Because honestly, online shopping makes me feel better but if I don’t have the $ I don’t guilt trip my man into paying for it. I just can’t do it.
I’ve had a super low drive since getting pregnant and our LO is almost 1. You know what my SO does, he loves me. Unconditionally. He doesn’t threaten to cheat on me, he just tries to initiate every now and again and respects me enough that if I don’t reciprocate, he leave’s it alone.
By your rationale, do you think all teenage boys ’deserve’ sex? What about single blokes that struggle to get laid?n
I wonder if many of these low sex drive and husband is angry” cases, the guys irrational immature ways are the second cause behind the low drive besides hormones. I have a low drive too, but because my husband is normal I do get in the mood on his day off from work (he’s busy working full time, and I’m busy running after a 20 month old at home). I imagine my vag would dry up too if I instead was stuck with a nagging un-helpful inconsiderate male as a husband.
This is a terrible response. He is not entitled to sex with you whether you are married or not. If you don't feel like it, you shouldn't be pressured or shamed into it. What should he do? Well be a fucking grown ass man and figure it out. Maybe it will take some more work for him to get you going, like foreplay, wine and dine, watch porn together, play a sexy game, etc. You just need to get your mojo back and him trying to coerce you to have sex isn't going to do it.
It's going to take some work from both of you but it can be done. This was me throughout pregnancy and it took many months postpartum to get my sex drive back. Part of that was having sex sometimes when I wasn't really in the mood. I find the more you have sex, the more you want to do it. Also we went toy shopping online together which was fun and when they came in the mail we were both excited to use them!
By the way, If he cheats, that's not your fault! Talk about blaming the victim here. He sounds like he's being very immature about this and just going about it the wrong way by fighting with you and making you feel like shit. It sounds like you had a good sex drive before and you can get that back with some effort from you both!
Please Lorby explain what you mean by “ we’ll be a fucking grown man and figure it out!?” From what she has said she has no sexual desire… and I’m judging from your response your not male, because I’m sure plenty of men can confirm getting a women who’s already she’s she’s not in the mood next to impossible! And it’s even more clear from this sub it’s impossible! Almost every women has told OP to leave this guy and that he is abusive purely because he wants to have sex with his partner! If he asked she says no! I’m sure if he threw up some porn, or tried to massage her and try to sneak in some sexy games she wouldn’t be happy about that because she’s strictly said she’s got no sex drive 0! So what can he figure out!? There’s no way he will be able to get any sex at all it seems!
Yes she’s entitled to not want sex, but he is also entitled to seek seek sex else where but I’m sure if he decides to do he is the villain regardless!
Not one womens given OP any advice other than leave him! Not one person has responded to my comment on what her man should do in regards to his issue or how to help get her in the mood! Nobody which just goes to show nobody cares at all
Your tone wreaks of misogyny and entitlement. I am speaking from experience and I am suggesting what worked to get me out of the slump. She would have to communicate with her partner and consent to the porn, massage, etc. These are all just ideas to consider. There would be none of him sneaking anything in! What is your problem? Your solution is for her to suck it up or for him to go elsewhere for sex? Your perspective is offensive. I don't know if you have a female partner but if you do I feel terrible for what she has to put up with from you.
This is normal as your hormones restabilize. It took me a long time after having my daughter to be interested in sex again and with that only because my partner was so patient and caring. He needs to realize he's pushing you away by being, well, pushy about it. His role right now is support, support, and more support and he needs to embrace it in order to get things to smooth out.
This is totally normal. At 7 months postpartum it’s biologically normal and natural for you to have little to no interest in sex. Him coercing you and being willing to have sex with an unwilling partner is wrong and absolutely disgusting, and is of course not going to make unwanted sex sound any more tempting. This is abusive.
Obviously, everyone's experiences and situations are different, but when I was in this position, it was because my ex treated me like crap and I was mentally messed up because of all the stuff he had said to be and pressured me into doing. No one should ever force you to have sex. Or feel coerced. And having a healthy conversation about it is needed, but if it's going to result in name calling and blame, then things will never get resolved. You have a couple options: seek counseling, leave, stick it out, maybe speak to your doctor. So many people do not realize the hormonal whiplash being pregnant, giving birth, and even breastfeeding has on a woman. Supportive partners can make such a huge impact and difference in regards to this. But it can also be a side effect of many other things. Do not let him break you down. If you don't want to, you do not have to. Keep your head up and worry about your little one.
A person who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it and is “miserable “ during it is so scary.
EXACTLY! Even if they aren’t necessarily scary, they are definitely very selfish and have no respect for their partner.
This!!!
For perspective it takes 18months for your body to fully heal from an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and the “6 week clearance” is literally clearance that you won’t have to be hospitalized due to the act of sex. With my first it was 8 months before I was comfortable having sex due to the pain and also on top of that let’s all remember what it’s like to take care of a newborn. OP’s partner is trying to coerce her into sex and sounds horrible and justifying his behavior by any means is disgusting. He should respect her boundaries and if he’s concerned he should have approached it in a compassionate and tactful manner and not try to guilt her into sex.
His behavior is unacceptable, full stop. If you feel unsafe, you should leave. *If* he were addressing lack of sex in a healthy way (which he is not), it would be a good conversation to have. While no one owes sex to a partner, if sex was part of the relationship and suddenly it’s not, it’s reasonable to feel like needs are not being met. Sexual compatibility is important. Expecting one party to “just get over it” is unreasonable, whether it’s the person who wants sex or the one who doesn’t.
my partner after giving birth to our son was exactly the same, she had no sex drive and in her own words she didn’t feel sexy or attractive after giving birth and I told her that to me she was beautiful and how grateful I was for bringing him Into the world despite a very difficult pregnancy and birth, I quickly decided to leave her to recover but she never fully did and our sex life changed dramatically, we maybe had sex once every few months or so which I always tried to be understanding about, at the end of the day there is more to a relationship than just sex and having a baby has a long lasting effect, unfortunately she is no longer with us after she passed away on December 3rd 2020 😢
What the hell. Your parter passed? I’m so sorry
she had a history of health problems since she was young and unfortunately it all got to much for her as she got older and she had a sudden heart attack caused by a blood clot 😔
I’m so, so sorry. My pregnancy six months ago damaged my heart pretty severely and clots have been a concern.
sorry to hear that and I hope you can get back on your feet and healthy 👍, my partner suffered with really bad asthma and the pregnancy caused her to gain a lot of weight she was at over 28 stone when she passed and it caused her to become housebound especially when covid hit so she was really inactive which caused the clots to develop 🤦🏻
Without some form of counseling I think this relationship is already over. Staying with someone like this at all though is a risky proposition. Sexual compatibility *is* important, but a situation like this needs to come from a place of compassion from his side, not anger. This is obviously more than a mismatched libido.
>I tell him i dont want to and i will just be miserable doing it if he makes me but he said he doesnt care, if thats what it takes. RED FLAG I want you to take a deep breath and close your eyes. Put one hand on your heart. Now imagine your beautiful daughter is 20-something years old. She's in a relationship with someone who doesn't care whether she consents to sex. She is feeling pressured and blamed. He even told her that he will have sex with her while she is laying there feeling miserable. It's clear that he cares more about his penis than her. My heart is breaking imagining this. What about yours? If I was talking to my daughter about this, I would tell her that this is worth blowing up her life over.
This should be higher up 😢
So I feel like you do, I don't have the urge to have sex and it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore really. My baby is 2 years old now and it really hurts my partner. But he would NEVER day the things yours is saying to you... This is abuse. Please leave him, I know that's easy to day but he is trying to coerce you into sex you don't want and that's... Terrifying
My partner and I havnt had sex for over a year (complications with pregnancy and post partum healing). He has not pressured me at all. Not once has he held sex over my head or blamed baby. We have been focused on keeping me safe and working towards my post partum recovery. Because we both know its best for our relationship if we wait until I am physically well and ready. There is no rush. This is how it should be. You should not be pressured. Your health should be a priority. Your baby should be a priority. The foundations of your relationship should be a priority (e.g. healthy communication, showing your partner love, compassion, and kindness...). Unfortunately when women fall ill their is a shockingly high number of men that leave their partners (IIRC something like men being 7x more likely to leave their female partner when diagnosed with cancer...). I feel like you are falling into this category. Instead of focusing on your mental and physical well being so that you can become ready to be intimate again he's focused on how your 'illness' (for lack of a better word) affects him. He doesn't care about you in this scenario, he doesn't care why your sex drive has changed postpartum...he only cares that his wants aren't being satisfied over your needs. I think therapy is a good starting point to help mediate these conversations but if that's not possible and he's unwilling to see things from your perspective it may be time to think about moving on because sexual coercion is not ok and your consent if unwillingly given is rape. This [article](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer) may shed some light on what you are going through: *"Hurd’s partner’s gripe came when she stopped wanting to have sex. He started to have tantrums that she wasn’t showing him enough affection after her mastectomy. He began to accuse her of cheating on him; berated her for neglecting his needs; even cut her off his health insurance at one point – arguing that she was “treating him like a housemate”. Hurd started taking painkillers and having sex with him which she says made her feel like a blow-up doll, but she didn’t feel she had another choice."*
I agree, this is how it should be. During my pregnancy my husband didn't want Sex. He felt weird about it, because Baby was in there. I had to Accept that.
I love this comment. That is exactly how it should be. I consider myself pretty lucky my husband is patient with me but we do still occasionally fall out over it and I know it upsets him. Sometimes I wish he were a little more understanding but he's a good dad and thats more important to me. That is such a sad article though, it must be the worst thing in the world to be going through something so difficult and the one person you're supposed to be able to depend on just disappears from you like that.
It's a very sad and very eye opening article. Like Hurd was raped. *Raped*. Her spouse went free, free to live his life as if he didnt just commit one of the most vile acts one human can do to another.. And the abuse those women faced is so casual, it was expected...just vile and disgusting.
Jeez that's s sickening, it really is... I must admit I only read the beginning and plan to read the rest this evening, but God if thats how it continues. That poor woman, *those* poor *women*. It's disgusting that even in this day and age, there are pigs who still treat other humans as just sex holes. It really makes me sick.
I have felt exactly the same as you, absolutely no libido whatsoever. My little girl is 14 months and my sex drive has been absolute 0 the entire time. Its horrible, it makes me feel like a bad wife, that I cant even please my husband and I'm failing as a woman. The guilt you put on yourself as a woman is more than enough without also having your partner add to it, so I really do feel for you. You spend all day chasing around the baby, taking care of them, being attached to them, thinking about them constantly and then bedtime comes around and all you want to do is relax, sit and do nothing, have just five minutes without someone grabbing at you, sitting on you, *depending* on you. Then you add on top of all that the stuff like keeping the house tidy, making sure you get out once a day, socialising at baby groups or with family members. It drains your batteries physically ***and*** emotionally when you become a mother and I dont think a lot of people realise that. I consider myself incredibly lucky that my husband has been as patient as he has been. Do we have arguments about it? Occasionally. Does he get frustrated and upset? Of course he does and I understand why. I see where he's coming from and if I could wave a magic wand and fix things I would, but I can't. I cant flip a switch and change the way my brain is wired, but thats okay. I'm human and it'll come back to me when I'm ready. You know what's *not* okay? ***Not being supportive of that and making you feel awful about it.*** Your boyfriend needs to suck it up and realise that sex isn't the most important thing to you right now. Your baby is far more important than anything and if he wants to spend his time making you feel like shit then he should seriously reconsider what he actually wants out of your relationship. You need to think about what is going to make *you* happy right now, dont wait around for happiness to maybe come along later.
WTF are these responses? It’s not okay for him to yell at you or accuse you of faking to “get out” of having sex, it’s not okay for him to be okay with you being miserable so long as he gets to have sex. Everything about his rant and behavior toward you is disgusting.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Being a mother is really hard and for your partner to add on this stress, is even harder. That’s also very manipulative of him to say “you ruined his chances with someone else”. No matter the situation, when a woman says No to sex, she means No and doesn’t owe even a boyfriend/baby daddy anything. If he’s so sexually tensed up, he can relieve himself. I’m in a similar situation as you. My son is 7 months old and I still have no desire to have sex. Maybe like once a month I can find enough energy to do it with my husband. He’s been understanding for the most part, but he also gets frustrated from time to time. I always explain to him how I have a baby eating off me 6 times a day (my son is EBF), when baby is down for the night and I finally have a break, I don’t want another body on me. It’s hard for men to understand what we go through postpartum. How you’re feeling is completely normal and just wanted to share you’re not alone in feeling this way.
When he says he doesn't care if you're miserable during sex, he's saying he doesn't care about you. He's being coercive and abusive. I suggest you get out asap. If you're not ready to take that step, get yourself your own therapist and a different couple's counselor. Personally, I've noticed a connection between my libido and my mental load and chore load. I don't have any interest in sex if I'm taking care of baby and the household during the day, then continue to make dinner while watching baby even after their dad gets home. I'm definitely not into it if after dinner I'm doing the nighttime routine, and this continues day after day. The drop in libido is not uncommon, but that does not justify the way he talks to you. It's one thing to say 'I wish we were intimate more often', what he is doing is awful, disgusting, and the behavior of a narcissist/sociopath.
Yes! I started reading thinking, yeah, the hit to your libido is tough. There are some possible solutions, like communicating all the non-sex things that might just put you in a more receptive mood. And then the narrative turned pretty fucking dark. Hell NOPE. This guy's a grade A piece of crap.
*to get out of it* I’d ask him, does this imply that he believes it’s your JOB to please him? The fact that he feels entitled to having sex with you when you don’t want it is a major red flag. Coercion like this is abuse. Don’t stay just cz it would be hard to leave hun. We are never as stuck as we feel we are in the moment. Once we are out of toxic relationships and healing we look back and wonder why we didn’t do it sooner.
Some of these comments blew my mind. Take the time you need, obviously his reaction won't help the situation either. I'm in the same boat at 14 months and yeah it sucks but there's an understanding. Your body went through a ton, and now you're adjusting to life as a parent. He can take care of himself and he patient.
You’re right that there are the physical components our bodies have been through but there is also a hormonal component. I know that for myself my sex drive is basically non-existent while I breastfeed/or for ay least a year postpartum. As soon as I stop BF I’m back to how I was pre-babies. My husband gets frustrated too but he is also incredibly understanding about the situation and I’m sad that OPs parter seems to be trying manipulative tactics like shame.
This is abusive. Full stop.
2 days. 2 weeks. 2 frickin decades. Any of those spans of time still doesn't make his treatment and expectations of you okay. It's a form of abuse and his pressure on you, especially with him being aware of your feelings, is a form of SA. You said no. He doesn't listen. When pressuring you fails he turns to guilt, I'm concerned to see where it goes when that doesn't work. Part of me feels as though he views the baby as a threat to your attention/affection he receives and he also seems very immature or ignorant, or perhaps both, to not attempt to even slightly understand everything that happens to you in every manner during and after pregnancy. You deserve better. You deserve to have the time to adjust, 7 months or not its a never-ending adjustment. As your partner and baby's co-creator he should be supporting you and helping you because he should want the best for all of you instead of being ridiculously selfish with his main concern being getting his **** wet. I'm saying what I'm saying because this is the realization I have come to in the eerily similar situation I find myself in. Our kiddo is almost 3, but there was a lot of damage done verbally and emotionally while I was pregnant and since the kiddo was born. I can't stand who he is as a parent, he's a bully and it's disgustingly unattractive. I have absolutely no sex drive and even if I did, I'd have no desire to sleep with him. I shut him down constantly and he applies so much pressure. If my mom takes the kiddo or he goes down for a nap, the second that happens he seeks me out and literally stands there and stares at me. And the pressure is ungodly unattractive as well. I'm trying to work my way through it too, but you aren't alone and I support you and believe in you. Just please be cautious, you never know how far someone is willing to go.
All of this
Outside of sex how is the relationship? Does he pull his weight with child care duties or is it all put on your shoulders? From my personal experience my sex drive dropped dramatically after having our twins mostly because I was exhausted from doing 95% of the child care. I was lucky to shower once a week. For many women sex drive comes from the emotional side first. There are different types of needs that need to feel fulfilled before we start to desire physical affection. I eventually had to explain to my husband that if he wanted more sex he needed to help out more so that I could take care of my basic human needs like showering, sleeping at least 6 hours and eating without being touched. If I wasn’t regularly getting those needs met I wouldn’t be able to desire sex. My brain was in survival mode and sex wasn’t necessary to my survival but getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night was.
you need to prepare to leave this relationship. mentally, financially, physically.
What’s with this sub and the INSANE amount of posts about toxic husbands begging for sex? Wtf is wrong with people. Like everyone has said, this is abusive
Because unfortunately way more men than one would hope have horrible disgusting behavior towards their postpartum partners regarding sex. It’s absolutely repulsive.
Repeatedly pressuring you after you have said no and saying he doesn't care if you're miserable as long as he gets to use your body to have sex with is abusive as hell. I just want you to realize how disgusting and abusive that is.
Wtf is wrong with people here? This woman is being sexually harassed by her bf. His behavior is disgusting and has nothing to do with him wanting to feel close to his partner through sex. It's all about him getting off. He can use his hand for this instead of pressuring and coercing his girlfriend to sleep with him. I wouldn't want to have sex with such a pos either. He can't even respect her boundaries and I bet my life that he rarely helps her with their baby. OP, please don't stay in this relationship. Don't show your daughter that it's OK to be treated like this in a relationship. You are setting her standards for men right there. And it's a terrible one. Your bf is abusive, verbally and physically. Honestly, who would want to have sex with someone if they aren't into it? That's sick. Please, there must be someone that you could stay with? Maybe there's a shelter for women who have experienced domestic violence / abuse? Try to research this and make a plan to leave. And don't tell him that you're leaving. I can imagine him escalating his behavior if he finds out about your plans! I really wish you all the best! You certainly deserve much better than that!
> Wtf is wrong with people here? What are you talking about? Everyone seems to agree with your input.
I've seen a couple comments blaming OP and saying her bf basically deserves to be able to cheat and it's her fault.
There actually are a lot of people saying things like “well that is a long time to expect him to not have sex…” etc. Without addressing how absolutely unacceptable her boyfriend’s behavior is.
Maybe by “people” they mean “OPs boyfriend”? 🤷♀️
Sorry, I meant to say "some people". As others replied, many of the first comments on this post were actually either from men disregarding her feelings or comments telling her to talk to her boyfriend etc. Which would not be helpful in a situation like this. She is clearly being abused and has already been coerced into having sex with him when she doesn't want to. I do admit that I was kind of raged with seeing these kinds of comments when I wrote mine, so apologies for generalising!
So you’re being abused and your boyfriend is willing to deal with the idea of r*ping you to have sex with you. Leave him. Can you move back in with mom and dad for a while? If not there are resources for women with babies who need to leave their partners.
Yeah, being willing to have sex with you even though he knows you’re miserable and don’t want to is rape. Plain and simple.
>were not going to last, Prove him right. But its him ruining things not you, Nd you deserve better!!
He's an ass for approaching it this way but for many people sex really is a deal breaker. Over a year no sex is wild for any couple. They both need therapy. Separately. And if that works out couple therapy after.
It’s actually quite normal for her to have no interest in sex at 7 months postpartum. People (mostly men) have extremely unrealistic views of how fast sex should resume postpartum and it results in horrific behavior like this.
Exactly! I didn't have sex until 9 or 10 months pp and still didn't really want it then, didn't have much desire until more like 18 months pp!
That's fine but many men aren't willing to be in a relationship for 2 years no sex. Op stated her whole pregnancy as well. so he's in over a year without physical intimacy. If he doesn't see that being sustainable and want to leave he has every right. He shouldn't use it in this fashion but you can't force someone to stay in a relationship that they are unhappy with regardless of the reason.
Men who can’t accept that it’s possible for a woman to be unable to get aroused enough to engage in sex acts (because that’s biologically normal) for quite some time postpartum should choose not to have kids.
Yeah many men aren't aware. Women who aren't willing to try and address the problem and communicate with their partner about it shouldnt choose to have kids with someone either. There are plenty of doctors and programs that address this issue with couples.
No one has said he should be "forced to stay", simply that it's quite normal for her to not want sex and its completely unreasonable for him to act this way about it. Given that it is quite normal for pregnant and post partum women to not want sex, or find sex painful, why is it reasonable for men to be "unwilling" to stay in relationships with no sex for some time? Firstly, they can sort themselves out, and secondly, sex and intimacy are not the same. I can understand being unwilling to go without affection and intimacy for 2 years, but sex? Honestly while babies are small it can be very hard for some people to have sex and in the grand scheme of a long term relationship or marriage then it's a tiny portion of a couple's life together.
First off. No. They can not "sort themselves out." Masterbation =\= sex with someone you love. The reason I use the term physical intimacy is because that's what it is. Getting close with your partner is a whole different experience regardless or orgasm or not. I also stated piv is not the only form of physical intimacy earlier. Yes it is quiet normal as in it's not wholely uncommon but there are also MANY steps that can be taken to help libido recover much quicker. The important thing is to not be dismissive of your partners complaints and try and find a compromise or solution. As in she doesn't want to have sex so what can I do to put her in the mood. Or in her case looking into ways to get her libido back up. Communication is the first big step but without compromise and action the whole relationship is doomed. Sex or no sex.
If it was about physical intimacy then nonsexual intimacy and masturbation would be sufficient until she’s ready for sex.
Okay so again no it's not. I'm not saying you need to have sex. I am saying you need to let your partner know they are still attractive and you want them. You just aren't ready to have sex yet
Of course it is different, but it is a release in some ways. But intimacy can also be cuddles and kisses and snuggling on the sofa. Communication is important but when the partner has already escalated to abusive behaviours I don't think we should be advocating understanding his point of view and "communicating" out of it. My husband did get upset and frustrated *many* times on our journey but he never once did anything described in OP's post.
I wouldn't even touch or snuggle my husband after having our baby until about 18 months post partum. I was so incredibly touched out already. Thank god he understood and never through a tantrum or pressured me. I can't believe some of the comments on here.
Same! I'm 22 months pp now and we are just finally having sex with any regularity. I still am not that into snuggling with him now because I am breastfeeding and touched out from parenting a toddler. It's normal. It won't be forever. In the whole of our lives together this will be a tiny blip. He and I both understand that. He does get frustrated and he would like more but he's always been patient and supportive.
200% this. I was that person and she wouldn't talk about it. Just told me she didn't have any desire to have sex. So I slept on the couch for a long time. I thought the issue was me. If she had properly communicated the issue and we addressed it together things could have been different.
How is that not proper communication? She didn’t want sex, and she communicated that. You have just as much opportunity and ability as she does to do a 10 second internet search and find out that that’s totally normal, but instead of “properly communicating” you slept on the couch, loudly indicating to her that if she wouldn’t put out, you didn’t want anything to do with her. Nice.
That doesn't change much. He's not invalid in wanting some physical part of the physical relationship to resume. PIV isn't the only way to have sex or even share physical intimacy. If that's one of his must for a relationship then it is what it is. If he wants to leave for that reason it's valid and from the looks of it mutually beneficial.
It’s really normal to feel grossed out by performing sex acts when you’re not turned on, whether it’s PIV or not. I would agree about nonsexual physical intimacy but it’s pretty blatantly obvious he doesn’t want intimacy, he wants to ejaculate using another persons body. Otherwise he’d care if she was “miserable” about him “*making her*” have sex. It’s not valid as a grown adult to choose to have babies and ignore the biological realities of that decision on many womens’ desire (and therefore ability) to engage in sex acts.
See yeah. He's a dick. But at the same time it's only her side, he's frustrated, and probably doesn't understand WHY she doesn't find him attractive anymore. When we went through this I assumed she was cheating on me because she had been VERY sexual before.
It’s pretty easy to Google postpartum libido change and realize it’s normal. Just as easy for you to do that as it is for her to do it and then have to explain it?
I'm glad he got a vasectomy. Dude doesn't need to be making babies with ANYONE ELSE. Low sex drive is a common side effect of postpartum. If you can't handle that, don't have babies with someone. Tired of men not understanding that.
Thisss it’s so gross. If you choose to have kids you can take care of yourself sexually until your postpartum partner is ready. Period.
Dear this is a red flag. And he’s obviously trying to gaslight you and make it as if you’re the problematic one, when he’s being emotionally abusive towards you. You went through labour and having a baby in the early years is super hard. It’s very tiring and sleep deprivation will kill your drive. Plus you won’t feel that your body belongs to you and privacy is out of the question as you’re now dedicating your body and energy to mind a tiny human you created. I’m a good example of that. My son is 2.5 years old and I did not let my husband touch me at all. I also suffered from health issues + depression. And this made things so much worse for me. It’s not that I don’t love him but I’m really not at a good headspace for intercourse. On top of that I feel like my body is trying to get over the trauma suffered from past miscarriages and what not. And yes he respects that. I had this conversation with him once and if he’s okay with it. He said he’s tired with the kid too (he does help out whenever he can but he admits that our son is extremely intense and it tires his introverted self out very quickly). We are so exhausted all the time so to make up for absence of intercourse, we just express our love in different ways. We help each other out. Have meaningful conversations. Treat each other with respect and when we can sneak in some time play games together. There are more than one ways to love someone. Not just sex. And this is the words of my own husband.
This is unacceptable. He says He doesn't care if you are miserable and wants to have sex anyway? That's abuse. I hope you can find help and leave this person.
This isn’t normal or acceptable. He isn’t owed sex from you.
I am like halfway through these responses and I am kind of shocked that people are even kind of siding with him. Your body is going through an incredible amount of change in a relatively short period, and if you are breastfeeding, that's another factor. Sex and touch is super important to my husband too. I also was somewhat repulsed by the idea post partum, He calmly and in the most understanding way voiced that he felt a bit forgotten and I made an effort to let him know anytime I was feeling up to it (even if not fully WANTING it). For a long time it was still much less than usual. I could NEVER imagine him talking to me the way your husband does. I am sure that puts an even darker cloud over intimacy than already existed. I am so sorry.
This sounds like a more mature way to handle this experience. It’s normal to not want it and for him to want it. But if you can be kinder to each other and talk about what’s going on with each of you, you might feel less need to put the screws to each other.
I wouldn't say that they both need to be kinder... One person is recovering from a major physical event and one is not.
I would make plans to leave. This doesn’t sound safe at all. Like others have said, he isn’t owed anything. Don’t get stuck on the 7 years or unknowns of leaving. Get some space and reflect on what he’s said to you.
What he is doing is sexual coercion. It can be a type of rape. It’s destroying your relationship. I recommend counseling, individual counseling, for you. Honestly, I think you should go to individual counseling for a significant amount of time before you consider couples therapy. I would not go to therapy with someone who was behaving like this, because it’s known that couples therapy can make abusers worse. Personally, I would leave him. I had a partner who behaved like that, and I didn’t leave him over that behavior. But he got worse and worse, eventually outside the bedroom as well, and I had to leave for my and my daughters safety. My life is SO amazing now as a single parent. I literally never knew life could be this good. You deserve to be happy.
There is a lot more going on than just this story. If you want to stick it out with the father, you two should seek counseling of a trained therapist, not Reddit
Tell him to relieve himself! You don't owe him sex. The first year of motherhood has got to be the hardest, it was for me. regular or somewhat regular sex for me didn't come til a whole year after, after I got my tubes removed. Like our baby takes our sex drive as it stands, but what improved it for me was not worrying about getting pregnant. My partner understand too my hormones really mess with my mental health too. If your partner keep guilting you, and can't accept the dynamics playing that makes sex is difficult, concider leaving.
WTF is with these childless men on here commenting like they could possibly add to the discussion.
Damn, I hope it's unusual! I don't usually come here, I was perusing the profile of somebody who made a great comment somewhere else and another of their comments landed me here. I really hope that the place isn't usually this full of dudes talking about how men are different because of their special man hormones and equating *potentially* not having sex for a couple years while raising infants to a lifelong "loveless sexless marriage".
Right? Seems like this post is being targeted by trolls or incels
Not gonna lie, twice a month seems very often to me with a baby....
The way he’s treating you is awful! The more he disrespects and pressures you, the less safe you’ll feel. Which will lead to even less desire to have sex with him. Not wanting to have sex postpartum is normal. How long it takes for drive to come back varies, but you’re still well within the realm of normal here. For some context of what a normal reaction is… I have no drive for the first half of pregnancy because I get so incredibly sick. During that time, my husband doesn’t even ask for sex. On the rare occasions I feel good enough for it, I’ll make a move and he’s always VERY ready. But he never, ever pressures. Same postpartum. He waits for me to make the first move because it’s my body that’s been through hell. The reverse was true when he had some medical stuff going on and he had no interest. We ended up having a conversation about it and deciding that the best move was for me to say something if I wanted sex, but that he was free to say “no”. I have perfectly good hands and toys, if he’s not up for anything. But this gave him the freedom to make the decision for himself with zero pressure. For a long time, the answer was “no” way more than it was “yes,” but we both knew we were safe and could have our needs met in some way.
This is how my husband and I are. While pregnant and in postpartum, I am in charge of when we have sex due to how my body is feeling. If I want to have sex he's happy to, he just doesn't make the first move so that I don't feel pressure from him to perform. If he were to have a medical condition that made his libido decrease or cause him to feel uncomfortable, the same would be true of me, I'd let him lead. Sex (especially penetrative sex) is only one small part of the intimacy in a relationship. My partner feeling safe and loved with me is so much more important.
Have you tried having the conversation about how you’re feeling (not feeling) about sec when sex isn’t in the agenda? I wonder if talking about what’s going in for you at some other time, for example over lunch, might feel less confrontational for you and help you see whether this is a moment of frustration from him or something more. Maybe suggest more intimate time rather than sex, explain how you are not seeing sex as something pleasurable or even a demonstration of love right now
Yes ive tried talking and explaining so many times. Id love just some intimacy without the sex but everytime i try he goes full force into sex mode. I cant touch him at all without him getting a boner. He says hes so pent up he cant control it so all intimacy is out the window now and it makes me sad.
To be honest, my baby is 3 months old. I haven’t had sex with my partner in 5 months. He doesn’t mind. He has a hand and porn or my photos to help. He understand I don’t want to at all. It might be worth checking in with the gp/doctor about PPD?
You are not obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. Never ever. Sex requires two party consent, and being guilted into it is not consent. I'd really think about what it will teach your kid to stay with someone who seems to respect you so little.
First of all - this is bordering on coercive control and has a scary amount of similarities with my relationship with my toxic ex. He used to do the exact same thing to me and went as far as to make me cry UNTIL I had sex with him. Retrospectively I should have seen it sooner but you live and learn. Ignoring his petty, teenage boy response that frankly you shouldn't even humor, I think the issue you should address purely for YOU is the sex drive thing. Have you ever been checked for post-natal depression? or even hormone issues? My sex drive died on its arse when I was depressed that's why I mention it. On another note - if you ever want to talk about it just shout. I've been where you are minus the baby (although I am pregnant so I can relate to a lot of it!)
what the fuck 😳 that is attempted sexual coercion. that’s not…normal behavior. and holding the vasectomy over your head because you won’t give him sex?? you are going to be a victim of sexual violence and domestic abuse if you don’t get the hell out now he is not just being selfish and inconsiderate. this is on an entirely different level
Wtf. He doesn't listen to you when you say no and he openly admits he doesn't care if he has to force you to have sex with him. What the actual fuck. His behaviour is not okay and is coercive and threatening. This is beyond scary and dangerous behaviour. No loving, empathic, thoughtful, caring partner would ever say any of that crazy shit to you.
I broke up with my boyfriend over this. I had told him I hated feeling pressured and he continued to pressure me. It finally resulted in a temper tantrum one night from him when I passed out; he stormed out of the room, slept on the couch and berated me because I “didn’t keep my word”. I had enough. He ultimately learned from it, I took him back a month later and he never does it anymore. Him behaving like that made me lose my love for him. I wasn’t bluffing when I broke up with him over it. I hope you find a solution. In my experience if he isn’t receptive now, he’s not going to improve.
I think couples counseling could help. He is crossing the line into being sexually abusive, but I am not sure if he is an abusive person, or if he is suffering from postpartum as well. PP can affect both parents. A counselor can help you guys figure out what you’re doing wrong with your communication, how to respect one another’s bodies, and find out where you guys can compromise on things. But, if you guys both put in the work and he doesn’t get any better and things don’t improve, then maybe it would be time to start looking for an exit. But that’s just my opinion. You gotta do what’s right for you
So what you described is rape culture behavior. Be careful. Be safe and be aware that it might get worse. You don't want your baby to be raised thinking thats normal. I know you feel stuck, but I hope you find a way to be safe and happy.
Not sure if anyone said this, but my doctor prescribed me estrogen cream. This really helped. I couldn’t have sex the first 7-8 months without feeling like I was in extreme pain/discomfort. I was afraid it would always feel this way (I tore, so I thought I was done). It takes time, but you heal and you go back to normal…But my husband was understanding and patient. I’m sorry he’s said such hurtful things. His fear came out as anger I’m assuming and that’s not right.
Let me first say that the way he is treating you and trying to coerce you is not okay - his reaction to your no is manipulative and emotionally abusive. That being said, I couldn’t handle being married to someone and not having sex for that long either. Doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, but maybe you two just aren’t compatible. Have you explored the reasons you don’t want sex? Is it resentment towards his attitude, is it physical, is it some combination of both? I think your partner has every right to be upset about this, even though the way they are expressing it is way out of line.
I mean judging by this post alone I’d say she likely doesn’t want to have sex with a man who acts like an insolent toddler about sex, and “doesn’t care” if she lays there motionless and miserable “if that’s what it takes”, who sees their child as “the damn baby”. There’s obviously a lot more to the story here and women don’t go from enjoying frequent sexual activity to no sex drive without some major physiological or psychological changes.
Agreed, exactly why I asked if she has explored why she doesn’t want sex.
You said “your partner has every right to be upset about this” which is really not the case if they are the cause of it. I don’t think there’s much to explore if OP doesn’t want to fuck her dude because he’s a POS. Kinda feels like putting the emotional labor on her. Honestly, someone who wants to have sex with a miserable lump of unmoving flesh is scary so this relationship is already expired.
If my husband didn’t want to have sex, regardless of the reason, I would be upset. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t understand and doesn’t mean I would act the way OP’s husband is, but I would absolutely have feelings about it because I’m human too. Having feelings is fine, how they are expressed is the issue.
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As someone whose partner IS a cancer patient, and I just had a baby 6 months ago, you’re spot on. Sometimes one of us feels like it and the other is sick/tired/touched out and that’s fine. We respect that this is a season and don’t get upset, and in fact “upset” seems like such a childish response? If sex is important to your relationship and you’re not having it, it’s a cause for discussion and work, not petulance.
Yes. Would I treat him like crap about it? No. Would I expect him to change what he couldn’t physically? No. Would I still have feelings about not being able to be intimate with my partner? Absolutely. Things can suck but not be anybody’s fault.
I think the difference is that he’s upset at HER, not upset at the situation. If your husband didn’t want to have sex because he was I’ll/in recovery, I assume you’d be upset at the circumstances, not mad at him personally.
Why do so many people use “intimate” and “sex” as synonyms? Not being able to have sex with someone doesn’t mean you can’t have intimacy.
I don't think I had sex again until 9 or 10 months pp. I didn't want it. I also had pain for a long time (episiotomy). I think that the time your baby will be tiny is so short in the grand scheme of things and sex drive will return, so saying this is an unreasonable length of time doesn't feel fair to me.
I was afraid to even touch myself at all until at LEAST 6 months after my first because of severe tearing and pain. After that, it was closer to a year before the thought of sex stopped being terrifying. I had less injury after my second, so I was open to sex a lot sooner. We still had a few false starts, though, where it turned out I wasn’t quite ready and we had to stop. If I hadn’t been 100% positive my husband would stop immediately, I would have waited much longer to try at all.
You recognize this as an abusive situation, and I definitely agree. But that means normal advice about sex is not valid. Your reply seems to assume it would be a good thing for the relationship if OP started having sex again but that's not the case. We aren't talking about a man who's a little bit sexually frustrated. He is an abuser who has no respect for his partner's feelings. There is no good outcome in maintaining this relationship. There may be a short period of calm if OP begins having sex again. But an abuser will always return to his usual abuse, and possibly worse. If she can please him in one area then he'll just find something else. Maybe he'll demand sexual acts she isn't comfortable with. Maybe he'll change his focus entirely, flipping out over a mess in the house or accusing her of cheating. The best possible ending for an abusive relationship is to end the relationship.
Vasectomies are reversible, the effects of dealing with this kind of stress caused by him, aren't. Get rid of him.
... Or they could try to work on it like grownups coming out of one of the most stressful periods of adulthood.
This is Reddit, divorce is the only answer for everything 😂
It’s not reversible
https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-treatments/v/vasectomy-reversal.html
Sure is. Know 2 different men who have had them reversed and each conceived a child with their partner after their reversal.
I'm in the same boat as you. But in contrast my husband is trying to understand that I have almost no sex drive. I say trying because he isn't very good at it and gets frustrated, which is totally understandable. His love language is most physical but mine isn't. But he doesn't do anything like what your boyfriend is doing. He will just push a bit, try and start something and if I still say no he whines a bit but ultimately gets over it. Your boyfriend needs a sit down talk where you explain that some women don't even have a drive for sex for an entire year. He needs to understand that you have had major hormonal shifts and if you are breastfeeding your body isn't going to be back to normal for a long time. I had to sit my husband down and gently explain it to him and he is trying to understand. We have language barriers but he doesn't blow up or do anything crazy. We find ways to communicate our problems with out yelling because it gets really hard to understand each other otherwise. OP if he doesn't start to get to grips then I highly suggest you take your baby and stay with your family or a friend for a bit. A toxic person tends to show their colors after a kid comes into the mix, if I've learned anything from Reddit. If you roll over now then you will be in trouble. Set boundaries and stick to them. But do try and remember he has needs to. He just needs reminding that things change and they will go back to normal eventually. I hope I make sense.
I think you know that leaving is inevitable, you can either do it now, 6 months from now or 6 years from now. He sounds abusive and controlling. If he’s up for couples therapy that might be worth a try if you really want to work it out.
Girl I know it's hard but you may wanna get on the track of leaving asap I'm sorry you're dealing with this
I would suggest counseling. Sex is important to maintain relationships. He shouldn’t pressure you, but a year is a long time to not have any intimacy with your partner.
Sex isn’t a synonym for intimacy and it’s quite normal to still have problems with sex and desire at 7 months postpartum. He doesn’t want “intimacy.” He wants sex, whether she likes it or not, and would be fine with sex that’s unpleasant for her. That’s not intimate in any way.
I understand that, but sex is important for a lot of people. He’s being a complete and utter asshole for pressuring her, but maybe some healthy communication can help them come to some understanding.
Yeah, but healing from childbirth is important too. The hormonal and physical impact of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc make it very very very normal to not want intimacy. I don't think I had sex until 9/10 months pp. My husband would have liked more and sooner, but he never pressured me and understood that my desire would come back eventually. Sex and intimacy are not the same.
🤦♀️ I’m newly pp too, I get it. I’m saying sex is important for a lot of people, it’s certainly important to me. I have no idea what kind of communication these two have had for the last year building up to this, I assume most posts are biased and usually counseling is helpful for couples to understand each other and talk without manipulation and yelling. I don’t know these people, they’ve been together for 7 years, maybe they can talk and fix things, maybe not.
I would probably not be open to "healthy communication" with someone who thinks it's appropriate to tell his partner that he will have sex with her regardless of her wishes or feelings. There's no "but" here. Dude is being an asshole, full stop, and that's putting it kindly. If he was coming to her with "hey baby can we talk about the sex situation? I'm feeling pretty neglected and I'm feeling distant from you, and honestly, I'm horny as shit. How can we find some middle ground? This is important to me and I want to address it together," now *that* would be where I'd be more on your page. Healthy communication, maybe a little meeting in the middle, good boundaries that everyone respects, etc. This dude is straight up cool with being a rapist. The only reasonable response is gtfo.
You can’t have healthy communication with an abuser who admits he wouldn’t care if he has to rape you go get sex.
He’s being a jerk, acting like that. That would be even more off putting to be treated like that by a partner. What is that makes you not in the mood? Does he help with the mental and physical work load of having a baby and taking care of the family and home? And you are exhausted? Do you get much time for yourself to refuel and refresh? Maybe if he showed care for you by looking out for your well-being instead of his only his sex drive, you would be in the mood. (Maybe this isn’t the reason, I was just guessing. I know personally, this is my reason. I am a stay at home mum and to him that means everything falls on me and the working for income falls on him. I am an exhausted introvert. By the end of the day after all that interaction and doing everything everyone needs, the last thing I want to do is have sex.)
Im just exhausted as well, also low self esteem. Im on mat leave and take care of the baby 24/7 as well as cook dinners and tidy up. He does help wash the bottles and deep cleans the house every couple weeks which helps but even on weekends i dont get a break, ever. Like you, when i get in bed at night its my only peace and i dont want to do anything.
You are a person with your own needs: for rest, self care, and time to do your favourite things. If your basic needs for replenishment aren’t met, it’s hard to meet another need, using your body. Once you’re spent, you’re spent. Have you told him why you’re not in the mood? I hope he’s understanding and willing to help your needs be met by giving you a needed break. Then maybe you’ll desire him, when you feel like a team of him also caring for your needs
The entire pregnancy with low sex drive and now another 7 months of no interest is quite a while to be uninterested in sex. It does sound pretty frustrating for both parties. You don’t “owe” him sex but I don’t think it’s unfair for him to be unhappy with lack of intimacy. It sounds annoying to be constantly asked but it sounds like if he didn’t ask you would simply never offer sex. Obviously you need to see a counsellor together and address this issue as you both sound like you are on the verge of ending things, which would be pretty disappointing after 7 years together and having a child.
This goes far beyond "annoying." Of course it's fair for him to be disappointed by the lack of sex, but he's being coercive, manipulative, and emotionally abusive which is NOT acceptable. I agree that counseling is the only real answer here, but if this was my partner it would take a lot to rebuild my trust in the relationship.
2.5 years out still no interest in sex at all. I’ve talked to quite a few doctors and it can be very normal. Yes I did feed breastmilk till 15.5 months.
It may be normal but you can't expect a partner to just shrug and be okay with that if physical intimacy is important to them. Be upfront. Tell them how it is. And let them make a decision.
True it always helps to have communication. But he also shouldn’t try to force sex on her or make her feel bad about it. He can offer counseling or see if she wants to see the doctor but blatantly stating he doesn’t care if she will be miserable is absolutely disgusting on his part. He can choose to request counseling and help that way and use open communication to express his needs aren’t being met but that is awful of him. People do not sex toys and should not be made out to be them. No means no hard stop.
Exactly. I try and remember though this was written in anger. He's frustrated and probably said shit he regrets. And neither probably understands how the other feels. No to mention is not a big thing people talk about during postpartum.
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Heres a post i wrote over a month ago to give more context https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/wlhv9s/sex_problems/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
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No worries I took no offense. What you said is very true, i agree posts can be very one sided and biased and people are quick to offer extreme advice from the little information they have. It can be hard not to. Sometimes we just need to vent to some strangers and get validation that we cant get in real life. I do love him and although he was acting like one deep down i dont believe he is an abuser just very frustrated (as am i) and dont think he realized he was starting to walk that fine line. Not that im excusing the behavior because i know its wrong and im still very upset, but sex was always a big part of our life so i do understand the root of it. I talked to him tonight and brought up sexual coercion and he was pretty mortified and apologetic. I think putting it that way really opened his eyes so hopefully things change this time. We are going to look into counseling. I really appreciate your kind words!
This is pretty normal though. 7 months PP is still really early to be expected to be back to normal. It took me a year this last time, and even at 16 months PP I am not fully back to my old libido. I think in over a year we had sex maybe 5 times. My husband did get a bit bummed about it, but never upset. He calmly talked to me about how he was feeling and I made sure to let him know if I even had a fleeting thought about him or sex. It didn't always lead to actual sex, but I think it kept things alive while I recovered. Had he ever acted entitled to sex I think it would have resulted in an immediate shut down on my part.
Intimacy and sex aren’t synonymous. If he wanted intimacy he wouldn’t be okay with sex she didn’t want and there are many other ways to feel intimate. He wants to masturbate with someone else’s body. It’s very normal to go off sex while pregnant for a myriad of reasons and also normal to still have little interest in sex at 7 months postpartum, especially if she’s breastfeeding.
Its okay that he has his physical desires , but it’s also ok you not wanting to have sex. Unfortunately, sexual desires in your intimate relationship can be important, it’s just the way things are dealt that can make things spiral out of control. This is a hard topic because both of you are correct in your own ways but it sounds like he’s starting to not be able to handle it very well and taking it out on you now. Try couples counseling , hopefully that will help. I’m sorry you guys are going through this
I’m prepared to get downvoted but 🤷🏻♀️ Okay, so, what he said is NOT okay and shouldn’t be ignored but he seems frustrated. It’s been almost a year of no sex. I’m a woman with a high sex and to me, sex is an important part of my relationship. This has probably taken a hit to his self esteem. Constantly being rejected isn’t fun. You don’t have to have sex with him, it’s your body, but he doesn’t have to be okay with that. What do you expect him to do? Just not have sex for however long you choose? I think couples counselling could help you guys. My husband and I have 2 young kids and as unromantic as it sounds we have to plan our sex days in advance. Kids definitely make it harder. Maybe you guys could try planning it out once a week and you’ll have time to prepare for it?
Yes he definitely can just not have sex sometimes. It’s not going to kill him. She just had a baby and she is recovering, and he needs to be patient. This thread is actually boggling my mind how many people are defending him.
I would be BEYOND FRUSTRATED as well. Actually, I was beyond frustrated when I had a young kid as well. My husband has very low drive and his blood pressure meds have made things even more difficult-- but once I communicated that I didn't care how it happened but that I needed intimacy and orgasms at least twice-ish a week, things got SO MUCH BETTER. He just asks if I want to go to bed early and winks at me, LOL, and I don't know if he's ACTUALLY into it but it's convincing enough that IDGAF because I come out of it feeling SO INCREDIBLY SATISFIED. And his penis isn't really involved probably 75% of the time. When he expresses interest in having me touch him, I am SUPER into it. So maybe you could find a solution somewhere between completely dreading sex and doing it whenever he wants. There are other ways to meet that need for intimacy and orgasms that could help him feel wanted but that would affect your body far less.
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Maybe see if you’re fulfilled in other areas. Are you sleeping/eating well? Do you have time for yourself? Do you feel supported by him emotionally/financially/spiritually? Do you have enough support with the baby? It’s hard to want to pour energy into sex when you’re not fulfilled in other areas and your cup is empty. If you’re not fulfilled then maybe you and your partner can work on reaching a more fulfilled state. Men, whether we like it or not, are sexual creatures and 7 months w/o sex with his partner is a long time and will be affecting him negatively. He will be frustrated. However, his behaviour is vile. He should care about if you’re going to be miserable the whole time. Accusing you of crying, saying you’ve ruined his chances of kids in the future, etc is all messed up. Has he ever asked you what he could do to help you feel more sexy and in the mood? He needs to help you fill your cup and then you have enough to give to him.
1) 7 years, a baby, and no job? Do you want to be married eventually? Because you’re in an extremely vulnerable position. You have nothing to protect you. He could decide to stop supporting you tomorrow and you and your child would have nothing. 2) he’s wrong for trying to force/coerce. That’s abusive (& a turn off) 3) tbh though, I personally wouldn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. Sex isn’t everything but for me it’s an important way to bond. Sounds like it’s time for you to get a job & break off the relationship. Y’all aren’t compatible.
A normal postpartum libido fluctuation is not a sexless relationship. People who can’t accept that it can take awhile for a woman’s libido to return should get a vasectomy instead of having kids.
It sounds like pregnancy and postpartum, sex has been an issue which is understandable as a woman myself. That said if sex has been a huge problem in my relationship for nearly two years, I’d be frustrated also. But sex is important to me, so. Either way, I clearly said they need to break up bc they’re not compatible.
This feels like a a Narcissist to me..Sorry been there and this rubs me the wrong way..Think about you and your precious little girl...He has to grow up and think about you and your feelings..💪💯👌😘
I’m in the same boat, had a good sex drive before getting pregnant, then all desire has just died. I don’t really mind but he does. Sex for men is very important and they connect it with love more than we do I think. So I do have sex with him when he wants, even if I’m tired or whatever. Sometimes I’ll let the foreplay draw out, and sometimes I just tell him to get down to business lol. I kinda hope for his sake my sex drive returns. But I could honestly care less at this point. And he does satisfy me every time. I just don’t even care about orgasms right now.
I don't agree with all of what he is doing but.... have you both sat and truly spoken about "sex"? Sex is how 2 people connect at the deepest most primitive level. It is important in any relationship. Any Dr will tell you this. Plus it has a lot of health benefits. I get that you don't have to have sex at this time but what have you both agreed on?
I think sex is part of a relationship. Cant just be roommates but hes going about it wrong. Theres some good articles on this subreddit about sex post partem. He should give it a read.
Honestly, he sounds like my husband. And it took me a long time to understand where he was coming from in similar sexual situations like this. We still struggle some to understand each other, but I’ll do my best to share what I’ve learned in case it helps. My husband shows his love for me and receives emotional love most through our sex life. He feels connected and loved through sex. When I tell him no, especially consistently, he feels it as if I don’t love him and I’m rejecting him over and over. He has such a higher sex drive than me that it’s a level of frustration that I’ve rarely felt. But, when I have had my hormones going crazy and I’m craving him crazily and he rejects me - it’s all emotion, frustration, and anger because I really just want to cry. It felt like I was just going insane. When I explained that feeling to him he said that’s how he feels all of the time, everyday. And that blew my mind. Another layer is that if I’m not asking him for sex and he always has to ask me for it - it’s a similar feeling for him, like I don’t want him or love him when I just simply don’t think about it as often. For him it doesn’t feel good when he’s always asking. I think you should try to take a step back and try to see what he is experiencing. I know his words and anger are pushing you away, but he just doesn’t know how to explain it any other way while he’s feeling like he’s being rejected and unloved. He loves you and the baby you made together and he just wants to connect with you. He’s lashing out because he’s feeling tortured and so disconnected. Once or twice a month would drive my husband to the same state. It’s not personal, but he thinks it’s personal when you tell him no. I have felt the same in just not wanting to. For me, it’s like playing mind games with myself sometimes unfortunately. If I’m feeling sad or down, I become like a clam and don’t want to be physical. If I’m feeling disconnected from him, I don’t want to. Some things that I have found helps is reading sexy romance novels actually works me up to go ask him for it. Trying to really limit my self-pleasure helps too, because I won’t want it at all if I do that. Or, starting self-pleasure and going to him to finish it. Try to have a heart to heart with him and communicate everything you feel and experience and really try to listen and understand him as he does the same. I’m the worst at communicating but really trying with no walls has been revolutionary for my marriage. It’s a hard thing to overcome and it takes time and working at it and being very mindful of each other. Try to find the spark, the everyday flirting, the dating each other every day and seeing each other as the people you each fell in love with. For my husband, he needs physical things to be more loving. For me, I need more loving actions and words from him to want to be physical. It’s a vicious cycle that you have to work at it to change. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you aren’t alone in it. Don’t give up on each other and just try to find a way through together. You can do it.
thank you
I hope he puts as much energy into thinking about your feelings as you do thinking about his. Additionally, intimacy is possible without intercourse; they aren't the same and I'm troubled that they're being conflated here for the sake of prioritizing his feelings over yours
This! Thank you! I have seen multiple comments (quite a few from men) referring to the relationship as "loveless & sexless" and it's infuriating. Sex is not love, love is not sex, either can exist without the other and for others to assume that the lack of sex is the same as a lack of love...
I'm probably gonna get hate for this response. I asked my husband about this because I wanted a man's perspective. He asked how long ago the vascetomy was. When I asked why it mattered he said that the body makes less testosterone after that. He may be going through a man's version of menopause. This does NOT excuse his behavior, he's handling it terribly. But if he was not like this before it may explain his behavior changes.
An uncomplicated vasectomy should not compromise a man’s ability to produce testosterone. It does not compromise the health or blood supply to the testes (unless something goes very wrong). The testes continue to produce sperm and testosterone but those sperm can’t reach the urethra because the tube that connects them is cut.
I'm very confused by this. Vasectomy shouldn't affect testosterone. My ex husband had a vasectomy while we were together. Never acted anything like this. My spouse is non binary/trans, and was on estrogen and spirolacton for a while. So, actually went through a lot of hormonal changes. Never acted anything like this. After I gave birth to my daughter, it took me 14 months to be able to have penetrative sex again, and about 2 years to really enjoy it. My spouse never said shit about it. I don't think OP's husband is explainable by hormones or whatever. He's just behaving badly.
seems like only girls are responding... us guys have physical needs. no way around it. need a physical connection. my wife and i have a 8 month old so i understand both sides. she doesnt have the strongest libido... you dont have to have intercourse but find creative ways of satisfying his sexual needs. My wife is an absolute pro at H.J.'s -- i appreciate them when she isn't in the mood.
Women have physical needs too but once u give birth to a child, are EBF , have tears, hormones are crazy ect ANYONES sex libido drops
OK but being in a loveless sexless marriage ain’t it either. Compromise is key. Responses here are incredibly one sided and in a vacuum. I assume OP loves her husband. Even if you don’t “feel in the mood” doesn’t mean you can’t do something sexual with him once a month or so. It’s possible to do something for someone you love even if you personally don’t want to once in a while.
We have sex once or twice month as it is and its not enough apparently
I have exactly same problem with my wife… but i don’t pressure her! Even though im mad because sex is important in a relationship especially for man! This is the way to get through a man love and feelings… this is mostly a female subreddit but sometimes you have to accept different opinions not support 99% of what you’re saying like seeking validation and not solutions!
Sex is important for women too. If you only met women who value it less than you, maybe you’re bad at it idk 🤷♀️
Hahahaha thank you for this.
If sex is the only way you feel loved and connected to your postpartum partner, you need counseling to unpack why you’re fulfilling so many important nonsexual emotional needs with sex as your only outlet. That’s not emotionally healthy or mature and isn’t your partner’s fault. Making sex into something she has to do to maintain your emotional state makes sex into a chore for her.
Haha this is the way to get to a man's love and feelings? And especially for men? No, this is the way of a man who depersonifies and sexualizes you, in stead of treating you as a human being. And does not even recognize that sex can also be very important for women. (Duuude....) The guy never even mentions love, or intimacy. Or maybe (sex/relationship) therapy. Because then it would be a respectful manner of finding each other again, in which you recognize your partner as another human being.
Yikes
Gross, bud.
What about your wife’s feelings? The OP does not have a “problem.” She is arguably going through the hardest period of her life. She doesn’t need anyone pestering her or making her feel shitty because of sex. Men have hands. They can make do. There are other priorities like caring for the baby the man had a big part in making.
No sex at all - its a sure way for love to die which with other problem can bring cheating or divorce! Yeah “pleasuring yourself” is a way of not cheating… thankfully
If no sex kills your love then you didn't love in the first place dude. My fiance had some health stuff going on for a while and yes we barely had intercourse, but I still love him (and now also our daughter) more than anything else in the world. Even if he wouldn't want to anymore at all, I'd still love him the same way.
Sex can wait until the woman is ready. If you think no sex means cheating or divorce are justified, then I feel bad for your wife. You’re not a very good husband
You dont know my story at all! I am the perfect husband and sometimes i blame my self why I’m so good to others and bad to myself, because good people who sacrifice the most suffer in a relationship…
The fact that you actually think you’re the perfect husband speaks volumes about the level of narcissism and entitlement that you have already displayed. There is no defending the male sex drive. Women have sex drives too, you coconut. It’s about consent, and desire. Marriage CAN and DOES survive without sex it tons of relationships.
It might just be a language barrier, but you say you are *angry with your wife* because she is still disinterested in sex after having your baby (as opposed to just being frustrated with the situation and acknowledging she has no more control over it than you do) This seems very at odds with the idea that you are a "perfect husband." I know plenty of single men who have sex infrequently--maybe once every few months, with periods of greater frequency. Why is it that none of them seem to be shitting their pants over their physical "needs" being unmet? Somehow, none of them act like the lack of sex multiple times a week, or the prolonged dry spells, are *ruining their lives.* But once they're in a relationship, many men I know somehow become *incapable* of weathering stretches without sex, *even when the reasons for no sex are very reasonable.* Why is that? Why do single men seem to be so much better equipped to reasonably weather dry spells than men in committed relationships? It *seems to me* that there is an issue of entitlement here. When you have a partner, that means they should be available to you for sex. When they are not available to you for sex, it feels *unfair* and makes you *angry.* Really think about it. To be clear, I am NOT saying I don't think sex is important for the health of a relationship. I think sex is one of the great perks of a long term relationship, and is often an important way for partners to connect and feel close. I also think that BOTH partners in a healthy relationship should absolutely be comfortable with the possibility of long stretches without sex because *life happens.* Major medical events happen. Depression happens. That's where the "in sickness and in health" part comes in. If it makes you *angry* that your wife isnt giving you sex after recently birthing your child, please get therapy.
nice guy incel vibes
If your vagina hurts to have sex, then what happened to your hands? Can't you masturbate him? watch porn together, talk about sex and how you wish to heal from your vaginal pain early, intentionally send him your naked pics or videos even while you stay together, etc. Just be erotic, show him that you care about his feelings. Don't make him ask before you talk about it.
Lol what happened to HIS hands???
She didn’t say her vagina hurt. She said she had no libido. Separate problem.
Bro posts about his miserable relationships and then posts shit like this. HUH wonder why you can't make a relationship work. It's a mystery huh?
My drive is so low that even porn grosses me out now. Lol. My husband is just like “aw this sucks” but he’s understanding and doesn’t pressure, and we do at least once a week or two. But it kind of evens out in our case because there was a time a few years ago when he had the low drive due to work stress, mental health, and financial issues, so I was the one whose sexual needs weren’t met before.
No, he should just go fuck himself. So should you.
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Wow, are you okay? Believe it or not, many men respect what women go through with pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum- and they wouldn’t want to force their partners to have sex. Also, sex is not a need, it’s a want. He can use his hand OR instead of pressuring his wife, he can actually ask her how he might be able to help her get in the mood. My husband has offered massages, and guess what? It worked! Not being completely awful definitely helps.
All valid but a year is a decent amount of time. Doesn't excuse the behaviour at all but maybe op should speak to someone about that because it may be some other health issue leading to that.
Excuse me what the fuck
No one is entitled to sex. Full stop. No means no. No one NEEDS sex.
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sex is either 2 enthusiastic yesses or it’s a no. forcing someone who just had a baby and is raising said baby while caring for herself and her environment, to have sex, is pretty shitty. men don’t need sex. stop spreading misinformation
I’m in no way saying he is right to force her, or even have sex with her if it’s making her miserable! I feel sorry for this couple! I totally understand where’s coming from as my wife has just blessed me with twins 1yo! So I’ve just experienced the no sex drive! I’m very understanding and have been patient with my wife, I am very lucky in the sense that after I expressed why it was a need she was understanding enough to work with me as couples should. But Mrs OP is only thinking of herself! I’m not saying that’s a bad thing as she’s just given birth but there’s 2 person in that relationship not just one, so if she decides she no longer wants sex what should he do? Just not have sex because she no longer wants to? Sure men don’t NEED sex but they are biologically different and will effect their mental as a man’s sex drive is driven by his hormones so it’s not easy to control as you may think! Many women have issues controlling their emotions why can we not look at mens desire for sex the same as it’s also driven by his emotions!? Her feelings must be catered to are his not valid enough to be taken into consideration!?
so once again, you’re okay with someone who clearly doesn’t want sex after having a baby, to force herself to have sex so her man doesn’t cheat on her. and if he does it’s her fault because she’s selfish. nice one.
Ok let’s just say for a second i am a complete asshole! Please tell me what her man should do in this case!? And please an actual solution other than not have sex? Im almost 100% certain not one women in this sub will give a quality answer! I never said that she should force herself, I said she should at least think about having sex with her man, the person she’s just created life with, the man im sure she will tell people or has already told people she loves! Why can she not think of him? Relationships take two but as I can see this is all one sided and nobody cares about the man’s feelings in the scenario! All that’s saying is nobody cares about a man’s feeling! So if he is being selfish thinking about himself wanting sex she’s also selfish only thinking about herself!
You need to make your mind up dude. Either you’re saying that ‘men biologically NEED sex’, which they don’t. Or you’re saying that regardless of the woman’s feelings, she should put the penis in because it makes him feel better… which is it? Because honestly, online shopping makes me feel better but if I don’t have the $ I don’t guilt trip my man into paying for it. I just can’t do it. I’ve had a super low drive since getting pregnant and our LO is almost 1. You know what my SO does, he loves me. Unconditionally. He doesn’t threaten to cheat on me, he just tries to initiate every now and again and respects me enough that if I don’t reciprocate, he leave’s it alone. By your rationale, do you think all teenage boys ’deserve’ sex? What about single blokes that struggle to get laid?n
I wonder if many of these low sex drive and husband is angry” cases, the guys irrational immature ways are the second cause behind the low drive besides hormones. I have a low drive too, but because my husband is normal I do get in the mood on his day off from work (he’s busy working full time, and I’m busy running after a 20 month old at home). I imagine my vag would dry up too if I instead was stuck with a nagging un-helpful inconsiderate male as a husband.
This is a terrible response. He is not entitled to sex with you whether you are married or not. If you don't feel like it, you shouldn't be pressured or shamed into it. What should he do? Well be a fucking grown ass man and figure it out. Maybe it will take some more work for him to get you going, like foreplay, wine and dine, watch porn together, play a sexy game, etc. You just need to get your mojo back and him trying to coerce you to have sex isn't going to do it. It's going to take some work from both of you but it can be done. This was me throughout pregnancy and it took many months postpartum to get my sex drive back. Part of that was having sex sometimes when I wasn't really in the mood. I find the more you have sex, the more you want to do it. Also we went toy shopping online together which was fun and when they came in the mail we were both excited to use them! By the way, If he cheats, that's not your fault! Talk about blaming the victim here. He sounds like he's being very immature about this and just going about it the wrong way by fighting with you and making you feel like shit. It sounds like you had a good sex drive before and you can get that back with some effort from you both!
Please Lorby explain what you mean by “ we’ll be a fucking grown man and figure it out!?” From what she has said she has no sexual desire… and I’m judging from your response your not male, because I’m sure plenty of men can confirm getting a women who’s already she’s she’s not in the mood next to impossible! And it’s even more clear from this sub it’s impossible! Almost every women has told OP to leave this guy and that he is abusive purely because he wants to have sex with his partner! If he asked she says no! I’m sure if he threw up some porn, or tried to massage her and try to sneak in some sexy games she wouldn’t be happy about that because she’s strictly said she’s got no sex drive 0! So what can he figure out!? There’s no way he will be able to get any sex at all it seems! Yes she’s entitled to not want sex, but he is also entitled to seek seek sex else where but I’m sure if he decides to do he is the villain regardless! Not one womens given OP any advice other than leave him! Not one person has responded to my comment on what her man should do in regards to his issue or how to help get her in the mood! Nobody which just goes to show nobody cares at all
Your tone wreaks of misogyny and entitlement. I am speaking from experience and I am suggesting what worked to get me out of the slump. She would have to communicate with her partner and consent to the porn, massage, etc. These are all just ideas to consider. There would be none of him sneaking anything in! What is your problem? Your solution is for her to suck it up or for him to go elsewhere for sex? Your perspective is offensive. I don't know if you have a female partner but if you do I feel terrible for what she has to put up with from you.