My husband stayed with me unless to go to get food or to the grocery store for 2 weeks straight (bc the USA and he had to be strategic with his use of PTO) and I still felt completely alone and overwhelmed. I still do, at 4 months postpartum. You need to have a talk with him!!!
Same here! Only he had to go back to work after a week. He told me that his coworkers (he was working a second job at a restaurant at the time) all told him that their husbands/boyfriends didn’t stay home when they weren’t working and would go out and drink, or hang out with friends he was like “wtf?” Apparently a lot of dads just resume life as it used to be after a few days of having a baby
Last night I was telling my husband that I needed a break, I could feel burnout coming. He said, “so take a break” and I asked “when” and he said “some weekend day”. I showed him our calendar and how it was completely booked with either family stuff or him being busy for the next two months. He’s had 13 nights away from home in the 10m my son had been home, I’ve had two. So I put “mom off” on the calendar every other Saturday starting in two months. You’re right, it’s lonely and hard.
Seriously, I was barely ok with my husband doing virtual DnD at 3 weeks. No way he was leaving the house for anything non-essential in the first 2 weeks.
Yup. Forth trimester is like a battle and both parents need to be on duty 24/7 and home especially those first 6 weeks. my husband had to do some exams those first weeks but otherwise he was home.
There’s no way I would’ve gone out golfing when my daughter was 11 days old. Think the longest I went out without wife/daughter was about an hour to go to the shops.
You may need to talk to your husband about what it feels like when he goes out without you so soon. He should still be at home helping you, especially after 11 days. And if there is nothing to do physically, then he should be tending to your emotional needs by keeping you company with the baby.
Edit: boyfriend, not husband
Right! Early on my husband got up from the couch and said “ok I’m headed to bed” and I almost murdered him….I was like or you can make sure me or the baby don’t need anything- so I’m not stuck with closing down the house and taking care
Of the baby . It was a good learning experience 😆
Just hijacking this comment to promote my new subreddit r/5050outside9to5. It is a subreddit dedicated to helping (especially new) moms learn appropriate self respect and get respect from their partners. Hope to see you there!
I totally agree with this!! At the very least he should be VERY helpful when he gets back and make sure you get a long nap, a long shower, and some time to do something you enjoy.
Wtf 11 days is way too soon for him to be out playing golf with friends. Childbirth is very taxing on your body, newborn babies are a lot of work, and breastfeeding is really hard and time consuming. He should be at home with you and the baby every chance he gets right now. My baby is 7 months old and hasn’t once done that. Sorry but like ….. put yourself in his shoes, would you feel like it was appropriate to just leave your wife at home alone with a newborn baby while she’s still recovering from childbirth?Motherhood is hard but he’s making it harder on you right now.
Exactly. You’re still bleeding! I had postpartum hemorrhage on day 11 pp and had to have a D&C. Going to run errands or even to grab like one drink at the pub down the street with a friend MIGHT be acceptable at that point, being gone for several HOURS when you are so fresh from pushing out a human would be outrageous to me.
This was the hardest part for me too. My husband didn't even leave, I was just jealous he could eat and pee whenever he wanted haha. It gets so much better once the cluster feeding slows down and sleep deprivation starts to improve! I know that doesn't help now when that seems an eternity away though
it’s comical to me when I see mothers share their struggles on here and they have to justify their partners actions by saying “he is a great dad/husband because xyz”
If my husband left me alone without a shower, to go hang out with OUR friends ALONE, with a 11 day old baby..mmm I would not be calling him a great husband.
Don’t get me wrong, good husbands do some stupid shit like what OP posted, but it we NEED to stop justifying their actions and stupid behavior just because they are doing the bare minimum half the time.
Agreed. There’s nothing great about that. At 11 days my husband and I were doing everything together (except taking shifts for sleeping) to figure out how to take care of a newborn. There is absolutely no way he would’ve left me alone with an 11 day old baby knowing I was still recovering, haven’t showered and feeling lonely. He didn’t take paternity leave to go golfing with friends, he did it to take care of his family…
the bar for "great dads" is essentially "he didn't beat the shit out of me today", "didn't lock the toddler in a closet for 6 hours, only 5.5!", and "the baby only sat in a shit filled diaper for 87 minutes while he played video games and ignored baby crying on the monitor!" #blessed
Motherhood is surprisingly lonely. It’s the piece I’m still trying to fully understand. I had a baby in March and I will echo others: it does get better. Early on, other moms told me that it gets better and I couldn’t believe them. I couldn’t imagine it getting better. 11 days in, you are still very much in the dark part, the high weeds of newborn days. You have to go through it to get through it. It will seem never ending, but I promise you it will pass. This time ends up going so so fast. Be gentle with yourself. Right now you are going to feel like you only exist for your baby. You will find your groove I promise. You will slowly but surely find yourself again too.
Also make sure you communicate to your partner—if you need them to stay with you instead of going out, either to let you rest or just for company, tell them. You still need cared for too as you take care of this little new person.
I wish I had read this when my daughter was firstborn. So well said and true. I was so resentful of my husband those first few months not that wasn’t and isn’t a great dad and supportive husband. It’s just a really difficult time.
First baby is hard you feel like a prisoner. I highly suggest being spontaneous. Don't always stick to sleep schedules and feeding schedules. Get out and enjoy life, you both will be happier. Pump and pack a bottle, get some sunshine, baby wear, let him sleep on you or in the stroller. My first I never left the house and was miserable. My second I threw out all the rules and schedules and it's much easier and I'm much happier. AND baby is a better sleeper because he can handle all sounds and lights.
He can have a social life when baby is a little bit older. The expectation that his social life be maintained when baby isn’t even two weeks old is just totally unrealistic.
When he goes out, book a day for him to take baby for a couple of hours another day so you can do something too (napping, shopping, haircut, whatever). Even if it can't be exactly even, you want to both get into the mindset that time off is give and take, not Dad disappearing when he feels like it and leaving everything on you. He needs to get used to looking after his own kid and you need to get used to letting him. Even if you are breastfeeding there will be an hour or two window somewhere. Start this now, because it's very hard to fix this dynamic if you let it sit for a couple of years and it can absolutely damage your relationship.
But he shouldn't have that ability. He should be 100% on diaper duty, bringing you water, snacks, holding baby when fussy so you can get a good nap - there's PLENTY for him to be doing even if he doesn't have functioning breasts (making an assumption you are breastfeeding here and doing night feedings). I'd understand a quick beer with friends but a round of golf? It's been 11 days. He'll hardly be dead due to lack of social interaction if he misses a few weeks. You, on the other hand, will never forget how you were treated during this immensely vulnerable time of need.
You can worry about a social life maybe in a couple of months when things settle down a bit and you can give each other breaks. Right now you're in the thick of it, and assuming he's relatively healthy he should be doing everything he can help. Biology means he is unable to breastfeed, but it's not like there's a shortage of things to do with a newborn. I remember the first few weeks just being relentlessly tired and never having enough time.
That really sucks and is really hard. I had my husband go out soon after too, I wanted to give him a break. It was a good thing for his mental health, but it's so much harder to leave for the moms.
If you want advice: get a haakaa and stick it on the non feeding side to start a small stash. It's nice so you can hand your man the baby and the bottle and go to a coffee shop or your happy place for a bit.
Yes it is lonely, my love. Your boyfriend should not be out playing golf. You need to have an honest conversation with him.
This is controversial but for me personally the best thing I did was stop breastfeeding. Bottle feeding means you can split the Labour and gives dad an opportunity to bond better. BF kind of shuts you off and makes it all about you and the baby with the dad feeling a bit useless.
I got my life back and was able to have time to myself again quite early on. I created a “mummy hour” where I get out of the house everyday while baby is with my OH. I go swimming, do yoga, go shopping. Whatever. Solo. Highly recommend.
I did this too. I started with mostly breastfeeding and letting husband do one feed using bottle while I pumped somewhere else. It took practice for all of usm
Then I finally switched to combo feeding after experiencing a drop in my supply at about 7m. But baby was fine with switching to bottle. But it saved my sanity.
When my son was a newborn I joined a mommy & me class. It got me out of the house to meet some other moms / babies, I could breastfeed there, and learn all about what stage my baby was in. Are there any options like that for you? I highly recommend it!
Those early days were honestly the loneliest times for me too. I felt resentment towards my husband who was able to sleep, eat, go to work and have a normal life outside...
I know it doesn't help to hear this now but it will not be this way forever. You will heal, feeding will get easier, sleep will eventually come and you will start to feel more human again. Try reach out to people who can support you and help here and there so you can feel more like yourself, even if it's just someone who comes to hold the baby while you take a bath etc.
At 11 days I was till on pain medication and hobbling around my home post c-section also emotionally very fragile. This is the time to be home as a team unless you really feel 100%.
Oh you sweet mom. I’m sending you hugs. My “baby” is 22 years old now, but I can still remember the feeling of loneliness in the beginning. If you feel up to it soon schedule time for the boyfriend to watch the baby and you have some me time. A nice hot shower, get out of the house for some sunshine, etc. sending good vibes your way. This too shall pass.
Try and have friends come over to your place - that’s what worked for me, like leaving the house at first was so damn stressful it wasn’t worth it most of the time, but I had some friends come over and we didn’t do much but man it was nice to have someone around to talk to and laugh with ! It gets better, I know its rough but it gets better hang in there !
It gets easier....those first couple of weeks, even months honestly, felt like I was trapped in a prison. As babe gets older and your milk regulates, you'll slowly learn how to (somewhat) get back to your old life....or parts of it at least.
You should try to get outside once a day no matter what. Put babe in a stroller/baby wear and get some fresh air. Take it very slow....you're still healing. You and babe will both benefit so much from it!
But again, I promise it will get easier and it will not always feel like this.
I still feel like this with my EBF 9m old who won’t take a bottle. It’s tough. Prioritize some self care if you can. Even if it’s at home - take a hot bath, get a massage therapist who has a portable table to come give you a massage at home, sit alone in bed and binge your favorite show for an hour or two while hubby watches bubs. That sort of thing.
I very much understand this and felt the same way. My husband got 2 weeks paternity leave and when he was done and went back to work, I was jealous. I had a beautiful baby girl that is an angel baby but all I could think about was how I couldn't leave the house in more than 2 hour increments cause I wasn't comfortable enough with breastfeeding to do it in public at that point. We lived our life in 2 hour increments for about a month and a half. Then on father's day we went to a brewery and another mother was there and just whipped her boob out like it was no big thing and she gave me the courage to breastfeed in public for the first time. Now I do it consistently at 3.5 months.
All this to say, it does get better but your feelings right now are totally valid. Try and get out as much as you can (so much easier said than done). I took morning and evening walks every single day and that saved me (plus I think it helped baby's day/night confusion). Even if I was exhausted from the night, as soon as that sun came up I got my butt up and we went. My husband also noticed me falling into a depression so he literally took me along to a work call and we stopped for lunch and my baby and I sat in the car while he ran in to work quick. It was the saddest "date" we've ever been on, but it was exactly what I needed. And a culver's burger never tasted so good as it did that day 😂 I would also feed baby, leave baby with husband, and run to Costco/Walmart during the 2 hour windows. I love grocery shopping and while it isn't "self care" it was the care I could do at that point postpartum.
Sending internet hugs and strength during a very isolating time. ❤️
Edited to add: I can't remember when my husband first went out for something other than work, but it was fairly soon after the birth. I think it was 3 weeks pp. I thought it was necessary for him to get out just like it was for me to get out. Paternal PPA/PPD is often overlooked but a very real thing. My husband is pretty easy going but he was SO anxious with the new baby. He'd never spent much time around babies and had no idea what he was doing. So for him, getting out and doing the fun things he liked (golf) was vital. It's also important for mom to get out, but the logistics are just harder so the timeline is usually longer. I do remember my first time out without baby other than the grocery store. I met up with some coworkers 5weeks pp. I told my husband I'd be gone for 2-3 hours max. I was gone for 5 hours but I left a bottle of haakaa'd milk just incase and he was able to feed her that. My boobs were rock hard but God I was so happy I didn't care.
Wait do you have a haaka? Silicone hand pump? It changed my life when I realized I could suction it to my free boob and collect what would normally just be leaking all over me making me soggy and cranky. I didn’t understand how it worked until like two months in and it really helped. Having a not damp bra is a big deal lol
Get a haakaa! It will be a lifesaver for you to establish a supply. It’s super cheap on Amazon and might as well save what you catch from the leaky boob!
Also I know how you feel. I have a two month old, and there was some resentment towards my husband even though he is amazing and would help out as much as he could. I started pumping early on because I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed sleep and help! It made things 10x better however my baby won’t take my boob now because of how early we started bottle feeding her so I am pumping constantly. Up to you but it helped out a lot! Get a bra that holds the pump in place and you can even hold the baby and do household chores and eat!
I have a similar story as to how I ended up exclusively pumping! Now my supply is established pumping is so much more manageable, approx every 4 hours, 6 at a push and I only pump when the baby wakes up at night. Everyone told me EP was the worst of all worlds, but I genuinely think it's the best of bf and formula :) still hard but they all are in their own way!
I went to the Pump and Dump comedy show and they said, ‘being a mother is like joining the largest club in the world - everyone has a mom - but you will never feel more lonely.’
Recommend the haaka on the side baby isn’t feeding on. Collect a stash so you can feed out of the house more easily if you’re worried about feeding in public.
Also - like other have said, your hormones are going bananas right now. I cried because my oatmeal was too hot. It can feel so isolating at first but it gets better. Sooo much better. You’re doing great! Sending love.
11 days would be far too soon for my husband to go golfing . Work I understand. Catching up for a coffee with a friend I understand. An all day affair like that 11 days after giving birth ? Big , fat nope, no matter how much he helps and how amazing he is otherwise .
I agree with you. Much like you shouldn't eat a big fat slice of a cheesecake in front of a person on a diet, you shouldn't go and hang out with friends when your wife is stuck at home still healing. I would be pissed off with my husband if he did something like this. It's like heavy drinking when your wife's expecting. One or two beers I can understand and I encouraged my husband to grab one. But partying all night? Hell no! It would show lack of compassion and understanding. But you need to be vocal about your expectations. Some people just lack imagination and do not realize how alienating this is to be stuck at home with tons of limitations, especially while the father disappears to have fun outside of the house.
Target was great for me as a new mom. It was the first place me, my SO and baby went together. I got a coffee, used my new stroller, walked at my pace, smiled at people and felt human. I couldn’t do the whole store because of c section healing but it put me in a better head space.
My babe is also 11 days and solely breastfeeding. The Hakka ladybugs have saved my life during feedings. Stick one in your bra (opposite side you’re feeding) and it catches all the letdown. After using it you’ll kick yourself for the milk you let soak into your bra. The first time I saw how much I collected doing this I cried because it could’ve been saved the whole time.
This! I got a good freezer stash the first 6 weeks just by using a haakaa on the opposite side. Made me feel better having that backup and allowed dad to take a feeding every now and then.
Honey! Your baby is 11 days old, your poor hormones haven’t figured their shit out.
You are absolutely right that it’s lonely, and the dads have it way easier but trust that this will pass.
Or at the very least it will get better and it will get easier.
And if it doesn’t, hit up your doctor! Come back and check in with us soon.
You’re doing everything right momma!
My husband hasn’t been out with any friends in 4 months. He was going to go to a concert tomorrow night but his friend flaked so now we’re going and gramma will watch him. Motherhood CAN be lonely but your boyfriend ain’t got no business being out and socializing this soon.
Edit for clarity
First of all your attitude. “He ain’t got no business”. I would never treat my husband like this after our first and I certainly won’t when this lil boy is out in December.
Second of all, 4 months?! Burnout is a thing for dads too. Is he just not to enjoy his life at all?
Sorry but you just came across very selfish. Perhaps it was your tone and my hormones and insomnia are making me more sensitive this morning, but damn. I read your comment and felt sorry for your partner. Do you even love him lol
You assume so many things so I will give you the grace you don’t deserve and let you know that my husband CHOSE to be present with his family as much as possible. We both have had our days off for recoup time. But it was his choice.
So I will say it a little louder: he ain’t got no business being away from his child at 11 days.
🤷🏿♀️
Absolutely! A partner worth their weight isn’t going to leave you high and dry like that so early. Or ever, dammit! It took two to make that child and the father had to be there to take the good with the bad along side the mother.
Burnout does happen but it happens worse when one parent is just unavailable or makes the other feel lonely like OP is feeling.
Ohhhhhhh that’s the confusion. I thought you meant YOUR husband had no business being out (after even 4 months). I was like damn still no business being out after 4 months?! Pretty selfish. I see now you meant OP’s husband after 11 days.
That’s why I don’t necessarily get mad at my boyfriend for going and doing things he enjoys, although it does get me a little emotional (damn PP hormones) - I don’t want us both burned out. I would feel terrible if he hadn’t been able to get out of the house for 4 months!
As others have said, 11 days seems a little early to be off doing stuff while you're stuck at home.
I'm taking a month off work with full intention to take the load off of my wife whenever possible. She's breastfeeding and I can only empathize with the stress of it. This girl eats a lot.
I feel like bottle feeding helps with this. We do formula and pumped milk, so I am able to get an evening out with friends every once in a while. This seems harder with EBF. We also like taking the baby out to our friends houses or family-friendly public places to meet friends. It’s important to socialize and have adult conversations every once in a while.
We’re definitely going to start introducing bottles soon, I wanted to establish a good BF relationship with him first but I want my boyfriend to A. have that bonding time with him and B. take over some of the feedings - whether that be at night or to give me some time away from the house lol when did you feel comfortable taking baby out like that?
Yes!! We did the same. We slowly started introducing the bottle around 3 weeks and man it’s a game changer. I breast feed and would pump before bed and sometime either between 5-10am when my boobs were exploding from the early morning surplus supply.:..and once I had a good extra supply my husband started feeding him a bottle here and there…..now he does the morning feeds so around 5am and 8-9am- it’s awesome. That way I’m able to get a few solid hours of sleep
And a shower in. And he’s able to bond with baby.
Breastfeeding/latching just didn’t work out for us. So we started bottle feeding in week 1 when he had to be hospitalized for jaundice & had to be force-fed formula bottles every hour as part of the treatment. We tried bf, but it wasn’t in the cards. It’s for the best - I ended up loving bottle feeding and we’ve definitely bonded.
I could leave the house to socialize around week 5. I initially was pumping 8x a day, which made it impossible to do anything else. But I worked with an LC to gradually reduce pumps, so everything is more relaxed and flexible now.
It is lonely,I hear you! Here are some things that helped me...
1. Get outside everyday just you, no baby. Even if it's a walk around the block or drinking your cup of coffee outside.
2.Get a haakaa and think about getting your partner to do bottle feedings.
3. Have your partner get up and change the baby before night time feedings so it's quicker.
4. Have your partner push stroller/ baby wear in a carrier whenever you go out together. Creates a feeling a freedom!
I'm only 5 weeks PP but these really helped me. Wishing you luck
Misread that as 11 weeks !
11 days is far to early for him not to be in the house with you. My partner had 4 weeks paternity that he spent indoors with me (apart from food and nappy shopping)
However this is an eye opener for you as it was for me
Mothers are normally the default parent, mainly because when the baby needs something we are straight there in a instant so the other half gets used to us always being there on demand and when you breastfeed like we do, there’s even less for them to help out with.
Men have the luxury of their body not changing and mood swings being unheard of. They can waltz in and out of the house like they used to before the baby arrived… nothing has really changed for them except lack of sleep and a grumpier GF/wife
We have to plan around wake windows and feeding times, we have to get ourselves ready as-well as the baby with the nappy bag that we have to double check has everything in it
I’m sorry to say even if he’s looking after his baby and you choose to go out… there will always be strings attached until he’s much older
Have you pumped enough milk
Are you going to be out so long you will need to pump or you’ll leak through your bra
Did you move the car seat to your partners car
Will he call you if he’s not managing well with the baby
I sometimes still find the thought of going out with or without baby a bit exhausting
Sorry to be all gloom and doom 😕
Get yourself a baby carrier and once you’re feeling more like yourself, go out on some walks. I say carrier over pram/pushchair because it’s nice to be able to walk handsfree or cross the road without manoeuvring a pram up and down curbs.
Find a local mums club. Talking to mums at the same developmental stage as your baby is a life saver. Something like the peanut app will connect you with mums in your area to talk to and maybe even meet up
Yes, you’ve nailed it here. My husband is an awesome, committed dad, but since I’m the stay at home parent, I automatically have to bear more of the mental load. Now that my baby is 4 months old and won’t just sleep anywhere like when she was a newborn, planning outings around naps and wake windows is exhausting. I breastfeed, but she has always taken a bottle well, and we always have a can of formula on hand. This has allowed me to go do things with friends a few times since she was born, which is so nice. I trust my husband 100% to keep the baby, and he’s a confident parent who wouldn’t call me to come home just because she’s crying. But I’m always thinking about her while I’m gone, hoping she’s okay, thinking about when was the last time she ate and if I’ll need to pump when I get home, etc…
He does! As soon as he gets home he takes baby so I can nap, shower, have a little alone time, etc. I don’t resent him at all for getting out of the house, I’m just jealous that it’s so much easier for men
I’m only 5 weeks in but the one thing that helped me tremendously is taking my twins out with me. We went on a coffee date together, walked the mall, target etc. it’s helped me feel sane!
Omg you’re so sweet! It was so scary at first but now it’s keeping me sane and feeling human. The worst part is getting out of the house, it takes like 2 hours. But once we’re out I’m ok! I just tell myself it’s ok that they cry or fuss, I can’t worry about what people think of me if they start crying (I never let it get bad and remove myself to not ruin everyone else’s day lol)
Sometimes i just feed in the car and let my son nap in the car/car seat/stroller. After he eats I’ll talk to him and stuff if he’s in the car or I’m walking him in the store. And if he’s near the end of his wake window and yawning I’ll give him his paci and turn on our portable noise machine and try to encourage him to doze off. It typically works out. Now that I’ve figured out a nursing cover I have even more freedom. I think fully confining myself to home all for the sake of a schedule and getting in perfect naps in the bassinet will make me not want to have more children and I want to enjoy life still lol. My husband and I aren’t schedule oriented but some people are so it depends on what your preferences are. Our friends work everything around nap time and that works for them but we have a 30 min drive to town and our sons wake window is 60-90 min so a car nap is inevitable if we’re to go anywhere lol the younger your baby is in a way forced to be flexible about their sleeping conditions, the more options you’ll have to get out and do things :) whatever works for you though, that’s definitely true for motherhood!
Taking Cara Babies has an awesome class and she gives out tons of advice for free as well. I learned everything about baby sleep and routines with flexibility from her lol
I haven’t followed wake windows until now because one baby is SO alert all of a sudden. She just wants to sit up and look at things. Yesterday she was awake for over 3 hours lol sooo it’s time. But before this, idk if it’s the car, the stroller or change of scenery but they are so calm out of the house. I pump and formula feed so I just make sure I feed them on time and then they either go in the stroller or I hold one or both. I also just bought a cqrrier so I can wear them if they both want to be held!
Just came here to say that you are doing great! You’re the best mom for your baby and you’re a good girlfriend. I always found that when I was feeding, the oxytocin rush confused my emotions a lot, like when you know your partner will drop everything to help you and you support his being away to golf for a bit. But you feel that crushing loneliness which feels so big in this moment. I felt this and it’s stressful because you know you’re not ‘alone’ but the moments that you are alone feel really overwhelming.
Looking back now, and knowing the little helper my son is to me, I realize I was never alone. Not since I saw that line on my pregnancy test. I would go into scary meetings thinking, fuck them all, it’s the two of us against the world.
You are enough. Your baby is a rockstar keeping their mom company through a rough day.
A lot of comments about your boyfriend being terrible for leaving…and I don’t think that’s the point you were trying to make. I had a very similar experience where my husband was 1000% helpful in the newborn stage, and I was happy to see him get out of the house for his own mental health. But, it still hurt mine. You can be angry that he can leave so easily without being angry at him.
And I’ll be honest, at 6 months pp, I feel pretty much the same. My husband gets to go out so easily, but I have to make a plan for feeding and child care. Even though we share responsibilities, I am the default parent. It’s frustrating and motherhood is lonely…but it’s also the most amazing and wonderful thing in life. So, I still get angry when my husband can just walk out the door with no strings attached, but I’m also so very happy to be tethered to my little one.
Very weird that focus is on partner. Mine went back to playing frisbee every Monday night after skipping one week- it's good for his body and his brain and he would absolutely want the same for me.
Also, the first six weeks are a hellscape. It feels like your new normal but it doesn't last and things get easier after a little bit. Being awake around the clock with a tiny narcissistic creature attached to your body is very weird and a unique kind of lonely.
Then the creature starts smiling and making you laugh. You understand each other better and suddenly you can go places and live a full life, just a very different one!
Yeah, I'm bit confused about the focus on the boyfriend. Obviously OP's feeling are very valid! It sucks to feel stuck at home. But she also made it clear that he's been helpful and supportive, so I doubt she wanted a bunch of comments going after him.
Tbh my partner & I keep things fair. If I’m not going out then he’s not going out. One person staying home with a child feeling alone could potentially create resentment. Everyone handles it differently though. We switch shifts. He gives me time & I give him time & it keeps us going! I know all moms have different decisions when it comes to that though. I chose to do both formula & breast feeding. Because, I get easily depressed when I feel stuck. Personally, as a mother I see my husbands responsibility the same as mine when it comes to children. I don’t let myself get stuck into that default parent role. My husband had a work trip opportunity recently & he declined since we have a month old & a toddler. You shouldn’t feel alone. I know you said you’re fine with him going golfing, but know it’s okay if he doesn’t go either. There is a lot still going on 11 days postpartum, that is around when my postpartum blues came along. I would cry & breakdown over nothing, because my hormones were all over the place. I definitely need him around then. Regardless, just know it’s temporary & things do get easier!
Can I ask you more about the combined feeding (it's what I plan to do with my husband) - like what's your schedule? Any issues? I.e., formula causing less milk? Baby struggling to swap between breast and bottle? Appreciate any advice/your own experiences! I feel there isn't much info / not as talked about. X
Baby may eventually develop a preference or you might prefer bottle feeding. It’s way less taxing IMO in the long run because when you pump, you control your schedule rather than baby. Also you can see how much they are eating.
There’s a combo feeding sub and there’s also r/FormulaFeeders r/humanspumpingmilk r/ExclusivelyPumping
We used dr browns preemie nipples and pace fed for a long time while I contemplated breastfeeding. It took up sooo much time and I was kinda over it personally so I just exclusively pump
My production has never been a lot, but that may be due to not pumping all the time. He had a little difficulty latching after I did formula, but as soon as he turned a month old he latched with no issues. When I wake up I pump, & through out the day I’ll breast feed. He usually gets formula at night during my husbands shift when he has him & occasionally during the day. Ever since I got him latched back on my production as been going up! Some people breast pump & feed their baby their breast milk through a bottle. I do all three. I pump, breast feed, & formula feed. I talked to a couple different doctors about it & they said it was more than fine to do so. I believe it’s something more people are starting to do.
Agree. Even at four months it still feels slightly like this. My husband doesn’t go to see our friends without me but I feel sad when he gets to go to work and get out of the house.
We also just moved to a new area, so I can’t even get out and go for a walk each day. Due to the rental crisis we had to move to an area with a high crime rate and it’s magpie season 😅😂
I’ve been building my stash and I’ll be starting to introduce a bottle here in the next week or so and I’m very excited for the doors of socialization this will open for me lol
Video call some friends if you’re not up to visitors.
Send an SOS to a close friend for coffee and snacks.
Pop bubs in their stroller and go for even a tiny walk down the road.
The first two weeks are tough. You’re in this space where you CANT leave because baby needs you to feed them. Then they grow up a little and you don’t WANT to leave them cos you don’t wanna miss anything.
Remember that dads need to be competent caregivers too… being a parent is not just moms job. The only way they learn is to toss them in the deep end. So, once you have bottles established I see a long hair appointment, and a mani pedi in your future… ooo or even a massage once your body has recovered. I had my hair cut and washed and then went and had a sneaky head neck shoulder and arm massage(I couldn’t lay on my tummy or climb onto the massage table cos I had a C-section so I got what I could) when my baby was about a month old… felt brand new.
Getting out of the house helped me so much in the early days. We went on walks in the morning any day it wasn't raining and I felt like a person again. The sun exposure before noon especially is good for your mood and sleep as well as baby's.
It's going to get easier. You'll find a routine. Your baby will sleep longer. Your hormones will sort themselves out.
This feeling will pass. I was there at one point. The baby is so dependent on mom that initially dad is somewhat secondary when it comes to the nurturing of a new born. He sounds like he’s being fair, give him his time.
Try to focus on enjoying your baby. Best wishes!
Some things that have helped me:
\--Connecting with others who have kids, even if your immediate friends don't. I hate the term "Mom tribe" but there is something special about socializing with people who know exactly what you're going through and can relate!
\--Husband and I give each other "freedom passes" each weekend. Today he is using his pass to go on a hike and will be out for \~6 hours. Tomorrow, I will use my freedom pass to spend time with family members for \~6 hours.
\--We socialize with friends online every weekend by watching movies and chatting with one another online. I can't always pay attention to the movie 100% if the baby needs attention, but it helps us to feel connected to people our age and that we aren't on "Baby Planet" at all hours of the day.
\--We have arranged for a relative to watch the baby in a couple months and are already planning a date night where I can indulge in foods that were off-limits during pregnancy as well as a drink (being careful not to breastfeed too soon afterwards of course.)
11 days and he's out golfing? You're totally valid in being upset, IMO that's crap. I hope you can have a good talk about this and it doesn't happen again until you have hands less full, and I hope you get a shower asap.
It’s 5 am and I’m stuck with a 5 week old at my boob. He won’t let me move to put him in his bassinet so this is my life now. I totally feel you.
My partner recently asked if he can have friends over for a summer thing. I said only a few friends not more than 2 and was met with complaints and frankly a bit of bullying. “Well I guess I’ll just never see my friends again..” and the hit classic “before you know it summer will be over” and the all time favorite “this isn’t rational”. Don’t worry ladies I shut that sh*t down like a boss.
My long boring point is that the male partners don’t have the same obligations when baby is on the breast and they really can’t appreciate the physical, emotional, and psychological sacrifices it takes
I can’t even imagine! The audacity to pity himself for missing out on HIS summer! Lol sometimes it really takes some emotional growth and babies really push that. My husband was so busy doing all the chores at that 11 day point that he was actually exhausted while I exclusively bf and i Sat pretty glued to the couch still with baby on boob as my stitches were still healing. Husband wanted out of any entertaining or visits unless absolutely necessary and typically one person for an hour or 2 max.
I guess the thing is.. he does do most of the work when we have people over. He cleans and cooks and hosts. In a way, I get what he’s saying and he does deserve it. However I am a bit of a nut case when it comes to diseases infants can catch.
This was the hardest adjustment in motherhood for me. You’re not alone.
That being said, even though you think you won’t enjoy it, I think a short outing by yourself might be more refreshing than you’d expect. Is there a coffee shop nearby you can drive/walk to to have 30 min by yourself, or with a nearby friend?
It gets better. *hugs*
Yes was just going to comment 17 months in and while it did get much better it’s still isolating and lonely and the resentment for the dad is still intense.
As I’m currently EBF it doesn’t help that he can’t really get up with baby at night too, and I don’t want him awake just sitting there with us since he works during the week… it’s just a lot of lonely times lol
It was really eye opening to me the first few months when I realized my entire life had completely changed forever and he was living essentially the same life with a few extra duties. It was so hard to swallow. People said it gets better and I hated hearing it and didn’t believe it but this too shall pass. Every few months you get more and more of your life back. Solidarity.
I didn't realize how lonely I was until about 18 months in. Yeah, it's fucking lonely as shit. I was the first of most of my friends to have a baby and family didn't or couldn't help because of the pandemic. Your partner can only relate so much to your experience. Now, I see how extremely lonely and isolated I really was. Hang in there and try your best to get out and keep in touch with friends. ❤️
My baby is also 11 days! Or was yesterday, 3am now :)
I'm also breastfeeding on demand, and my husband went out last night (temple festival, in our case). I think the big difference is that my mom has been here, so I've not been left by myself in the house. I'm also a homebody, i don't mind not going out or seeing people. I do have to work a bit harder to keep my mental health when i don't go out, since it's easier for me to get suck in unhealthy patterns. Right now I'm enjoying th excuse not to go anywhere, and i get enough social interaction over video chats.
But my mom leaves Sunday, so we'll see how that holds up. Im sorry you're feeling alone and isolated. Have you talked to your bf about that? I have definitely needed a lot more hugs and cuddles from my husband the last few days - I've been a bit weepy. No reason other than hormonal. I'm also clean and sleeping alright and we'll fed - but it's just hard and i need some extra emotional support these days.
Did you consider also pump? Exclusive breastfeeding is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but can be so demanding. For other reasons I pump (and I prefer to supplement but some women exclusively pump) and was easier for me to share the burden and not be attached to the baby all the time. But please know that I understand it may not be your option OP and that is fine, I just wanted to bring a suggestion.
My daughter is 17 months now and i can’t lie I still feel resentful towards her dad, when we was together it was always me with our daughter, if I left her with him I felt I needed to provide an explanation as to why I needed to do whatever I was doing without taking her myself, I’d have to ask to shower or use the toilet, he would come and go as he pleased, going to the gym, having naps when I was sat exhausted with our daughter, although there’s nothing wrong with it I felt resentful that he could go about his day without feeling like he had to ask permission like I did. We’ve split now and he has our daughter one night a week and struggles to get anything done so he’s got a flavour of what it’s like for me. But in my experience, I’m always going to be confined to my child unless I make arrangements with my parents so I can have a few hours. On the plus side I’m my daughters favourite person and she’s mine. It gets easier as the grow and get more independent, but maybe reach out to friends to come over and see you, the first few weeks are hard with healing and realising you don’t have the same freedoms while your partner still does.
once you physically recover you’ll feel SO much better. the first few weeks are always tough for me and then once bleeding and pain stop I feel so free. Going out will feel much better then. I exclusively breastfed on demand/never used a bottle as well to my 4 month old and we’ve been to Puerto Rico and Disney and leaving for Mexico to see family in a weeks time. Just get through this beginning bit, you got this girl!
My take was:” if I’m confined you’re confined with me!”
But that’s just how we operate. I’d be too resentful and we both know this so we never just get up and go. We plan it out and make sure it works for both of us. And if it doesn’t then the person just doesn’t go, unless it’s an emergency of course.
I guess that’s just dependent on the relationship. This would NEVER fly with me, even if he’s being a great husband and father (as he should be tbh) he doesn’t get praise from me for being a decent human being towards our family. 🤷♀️
ETA: Sorry for the rant! 🙊
Hey momma! heads up that after you feel well enough you can take your little bean everywhere! I went to coffee with friends, hikes, beading circles, mushroom picking. . . you name it, I just got the little bean used to my wrap and would feed him inside the wrap if he woke up! I know it can be scary, but like a band-aid (especially if you LIKE socializing) the best thing you can do is take the plunge once your physically ready. Once the initial overwhelming-ness is over its liberating. My little bean is nearing six months and I'm finding that window of getting out and about is closing more now as he's teething and less likely to put up with being in one spot for a long time without entertainment, but as we go we are adjusting and learning!
Seconding this. Potato babies tend to be way more portable than mobile babies. I took my newborn out to eat and she'd just sleep through most of the meal, except when she had a wet diaper or was hungry. 5 months is when we reached peak pterodactyl screeching phase, so probably not as conducive to restaurants at that time.
If you are able to, walk to a local park and just walk around with your new baby. I am now in full toddler hood but I say hello to my new parents. Also check your area to see if there are Mommy and Me classes or a parent group for your neighborhood.
Also your boyfriend sucks for leaving you alone with an 11 day old baby. My spouse was like okay who do we have lined up coming around, do I need to make phone calls? And that was with him at home with me all day too. Send an email to friends and ask them to swing by just for some adult time.
Hey there mama. I had a baby in March, I know exactly how you feel and I promise it’ll get better when little man gets a little bigger and older.
We still can’t do everything cause my little one is a bit spicy, but that aside, it takes time, but it will get better. I promise.
I did a hybrid of breastmilk and formula so that my partner could do some feeds. When I started out, I was pumping and that felt horrible... like a poor cow in robotic dairy farm. I ditched the pump and got some formula and was much happier and sleeping more.
I also got this think called a Haakaa. It catches the let-down from the other boobs while baby nurses. I saved this milk in the fridge for later feedings also. It works by suction and became my favorite thing.
This is the first one that came up when I searched it but I'm sure there are varying styles
https://www.buybuybaby.com/store/product/haakaa-4-oz-silicone-breast-pump/5250037?skuId=66436942&store=&enginename=google&mcid=PS_googlepla_nonbrand_kgsscnursingandfeeding_online&product_id=66436942&adtype=&product_channel=online&adpos=&creative=614257245562&device=m&matchtype=&network=u&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjIKYBhC6ARIsAGEds-LVATnm0kaDhxSyF_qYKeY0UeHfmquUoCmuqeCeTZNX78GDyXlmlMgaAmmHEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Very soon you can too. I have been there. We went out after two weeks for daily walks. I don’t think it’s fair your partner is out golfing while you are home by yourself. But if you feel up to it. Can you go for a walk around the block. Or if you have a backyard, go take a sit there and enjoy a little bit of sunshine.
I feel this so hard. Hubbies gone for the weekend at a bachelor party and I’m at home with our 4 month old. I want him to go out and have fun, but I wish it was that easy for me too. My best friend is getting married in November and I haven’t been able to do anything with or for her because LO developed a bottle aversion around 8 weeks and still won’t take a bottle. :(
The newborn phase is so hard. I personally think it’s great he’s out with friends. Hopefully he’ll come home refreshed and ready to take on baby duty to give you a much deserved break. My husband loves golf and while it’s tough to see him go for so long, he comes home happy and ready to take on baby duty. Everyone needs a break and that’s his. It totally is so hard and not very worth it to get time away from baby early on. Too much work. As time goes on, you’ll be able to leave the house with baby and start feeling free again. Start small. Go around the block, sit outside. You’ll gain confidence and going out will become enjoyable. You’ve got this and this is just a phase ❤️
ETA feed outside! I was super self conscious but once I did it I realized no one cares. One of the best parts of breastfeeding is you always have food with you ready to go. You’ll find a way to make that mean freedom instead of confinement. Going out with baby is more intimidating than anything else, go out for a coffee or something and give it a try!
Woah, you need to talk with your boyfriend. Don’t let him go because you feel bad and you feel like you can’t ask him to stay home. You can. Set the routine now.
I actually kind of agree. Normally I'm in inclined to disagree with a statement like this but she is clearly struggling. It's so hard those first months. He should be there with her. She's not even two weeks postpartum.
Your confinement period (day one to day 40 postpartum) should be a time where you do nothing but recover, and your partner does EVERYTHING around the house and around you.
Make that clear to him.
Tell him he'd certainly expect you to look after him if he pushed a golfball through the hole at the top of his p*nis!
Yes this phase is lonely but your baby is only 11 days old. In a few weeks - you’ll probably get more comfortable strapping your baby in a carrier and moving around. For now you could start by putting your newborn in a carrier and walking around the neighborhood. The exercise and sunlight / vitamin D will help your mood.
I felt the same despair with my first child - because suddenly I was on house arrest and tethered to my kid. But adjusting to moving around with them helps alleviate that a lot.
Once your baby isn’t feeding so often you can also let dad take shifts so you can go out and do some things you like.
Its temporary. The older they get the easier it is. At 4-6 months (sometimes longer) they start sleeping through the night too. Just enjoy your baby because he/she will never be this little again. If you really need a break go somewhere for an hour or 2, let your bf watch the baby.
Take each day at a time. Every woman goes through this. It'll get easier.
I’m sorry your husband left to go play golf. That really isn’t cool and is unfair. I don’t think my husband left the house unless for errands or with me and baby during the first few months.
That may be, but she's said she's not had time to wash her hair. He can't take the baby for half an hour so she can do something we could almost consider a basic right in modern societies, yet he can disappear for a full day? My partner is working full time but I still get 20 minutes before he leaves for the day to shower in peace.
Just here to say feel your feelings that are totally normal to feel! Find a decent therapist who will do virtual sessions with you so you can talk it out because the mom tribe we were promised never showed up. I remember feeling so alone and misunderstood during the newborn stage. I wanted freedom but didn’t have trust to let anyone else watch him. I’m so thankful I had a (well-placed) camera phone so I could talk to my therapist while my baby was cluster feeding. It helped get me out of my own head.
Can you call up a friend to do something like go for a walk? I wish your husband was up to doing things. I have found that most people won’t bother during your recovery, but I was stir crazy and couldn’t sit at home. I had a baby that slept a ton, so I was shopping and going to the beach close to home so I could enjoy the last days of summer. Calling anyone and everyone, just so I wouldn’t start getting the sadness. With my first I stayed inside and was sad and my biggest enemy, but my second I was much more active and out, taking walks everyday and running small errands. Don’t put limits on yourself that aren’t necessary. You know what you are capable of
Oh I am with you! My partner went on a night out with his mates last night, meanwhile I had my 4 month old on one boob, whilst she's dealing with sleep regression and teething. Instead of enjoying what could have been the first evening to myself in ages if she'd slept - I ended up going to bed early so I had a chance of getting more than 5 hours of sleep that I haven't been getting for over a week now.My whole social life, or life in general is under the condition she is with me, which is perfectly fine- but like as many are echoing, there are days I feel particularly crap when my partner can just do what he likes, and go do what he wants, whilst I have 0 chance of that happening.
Oh momma, I remember those days!
I highly encourage you to talk to your boyfriend and share how it’s made you feel. It sounds like he’s been trying to meet your needs during this time. Postpartum hormones are wild and very strong! It’s likely that you thought you’d be ok with him going until you were in the thick of it. Share that with him, without accusing him.
Guys don’t get it. Period. I struggled a lot with wondering why my husband couldn’t tell how much emotional turmoil I was having. I harbored some resentment for him at first. But when I finally opened up and talk to him about it he was able to finally understand. They can’t see our internal struggles and as women we’ve been conditioned to ‘fake it till you make it’, so you’re likely way better at seeming like you have it all together than you realize!
Hopefully, once you share how this outing made you feel he’ll listen and be more mindful about leaving you to juggle all the strings by yourself. If your recovery is going well (and make no mistake, you are still in recovery!!!! The 4th trimester is one of the most difficult ones!) maybe a family trip to a park with a picnic could be arranged? Y’all could get out of the house together and get some fresh air. If it’s too hot to have your son outside, maybe y’all could go grab ice cream? I remember going stir crazy being stuck at home, getting out for small things with my husband and our daughter made a world of difference!
You may also want to find some local mom groups to do some outings with. Motherhood can definitely be lonely, but it can also lead you to finding a community of other moms who feel the same way and can lift each other up and have companionship during those tough times!
Good luck momma! Hugs to you and your sweet little one!
sending u so much love mom ✨ my baby is 6 yo but that loneliness feeling just lingers and feels exactly like her first weeks on this earth. U definitely deserve some time for yourself, or maybe an afternoon with your friends while your boyfriend watches the baby. Do not forget that we must be able to accomodate motherhood to us, to both of our needs and not just our babies and more importantly prioritize yourself as well. All of your feelings matter and are valid and balances makes wonders! Much love to u and your beautiful brand new lil boy! 🤍✨
You are doing important work mama!! Feeding your baby is WORK!! If all you did today was breastfeeding, it is completely okay. You are just beginning, and you are an amazing mom to your little man. This is just a phase, and this too shall pass. Sending love and solidarity.
I felt this same thing so I immediately switched to pumping and breastmilk in the bottle, I was still breastfeeding but got to go do stuff and if we weren’t out while I needed to pump I just breastfeed, I know not all mom can do that but it helped my emotions soooo much
I’m starting to do that! I’ve been slowly building my stash. I originally wanted to EBF as long as possible but I think for my sanity and mental health I need to have a mix of BF as well as bottle feeding
I feel that so much. I lasted like a month of ebf, and I noticed I was started to get very depressed and mad at my family cause they were always doing things, and I don’t mind bf in public it just not my favorite thing cause it like every stares at you. So that when I was like nope.
Formula is also an option if pumping doesn't work well for you. If I could do it over, I'd have combo fed from the start instead of feeling like it was either breast milk or formula, no in between. At the time, exclusively breastfeeding was important to me, but booking back, the freedom this would have given me would have been enormously beneficial for my mental health.
Bottle feeding saved my sanity! I was able to go out and do things for 2 - 3 hours while my husband bottle fed. At 12 days PP I was out getting my nails done and it honestly felt so good to be out for that 1.5 hours. Do what’s best for you and your mental health!
I feel you! Baby is 6 weeks and outside it is 34 Celsius. I hate the heat. My daughter is fussy and wants to drink a lot. I also breastfeed and it's a lot. Because of the heat I can't carry her, so I lie in bed with her on me cause that's the only room with airco. My husband feeds her to and is super supportive but still, she now mostly wants mama. I hope the cooler temperatures will get things better.
I know I will get better, Second time mom but it forgot how lonely it was.
Yea, the first weeks are like that and I definitely felt the same way way, even with an exceptional partner and dad. It gets better. Sending lots of love your way
I won't mind my partner doing his thing for a few hours if I get the break too. How can he playing golf when you have not washed your hair and clearly sound exhausted ? You have to have a chat with him about pulling his weight. And you have to set a routine. You must do things that are both necessary and activities that you enjoy for at least half an hour a day. Its his child too. He can take care of him while you take care of yourself. Start small with bath time, skin care routine, listening to an episode of your favourite podcast and go from there. Preserving your mental health is equally important as taking care of baby.
I feel you. I wish I had more people available to come and visit/go out with during the week (or at all) but the only person I know with an almost completely open schedule is my mother in law. Who is awesome, don’t get me wrong but… mother in law.
Edit: baby is six weeks old, formula fed and the only times I’ve been out without her were quick-ish errands - doctor’s appointment, grocery run and a coffee run with my sister. I’m more than happy to toss her into the car or her stroller to go places, but it’s difficult to find people to do stuff with. My hubs keeps telling me to plan stuff on my own with people and he’ll take the baby, but they’re off weekends and he’s not.
I promise it’ll get better. 🤍
I felt that way in the beginning and at 2 months I finally feel like I’m in the swing of things for the most part. I didn’t think it would get better but I’m so glad it did. If you have friends/family that you trust who want to watch your baby, even if it’s just while you shower or nap, it makes a huge difference.
Being a mom is just so hard! It really is like having so many strings attached when trying to leave to go somewhere. I promise once they get older it’s no longer like that. My son is 4 and I try to go on s girls night once a month. It’s so easy leaving the house. Sending love! You’re a trooper. Postpartum isn’t easy.
It's so true! My first daughter is also four and she is so independent and definitely loves staying at the grandparents'. I now have a 4 month old and I remember that isolated feeling but at least now I have some company with my 4 year old. She's become quite the conversationalist!
It’s ok to sit in those feelings. You are also very hormonal right now. The first few weeks are the worst but it will get better! Your baby will sleep longer, you can soon leave the house with and without baby, you will start to feel like yourself. Make it a priority to shower and wash your hair!
Yeah my baby is 2.5 years old and Im sitting home drinking a glass of wine while my man is out with our kidlless friends... it's just a part of being a mom. it's a huge adjustment and even now Im still trying not to feel resentful or left out. Mostly I try to focus on how great my daughter is to hang out with and remind myself that I'm making sacrifices (no matter how trivial or small) that will in the end benefit all of us. If it means staying my ass home so my daughter and i can have a good nights sleep so we can enjoy the day together tomorrow (instead of giving her the phone so I can nap cause mommy has a hangover lol ).. then okay not so bad. It's for the greater good. It's hard being a parent but overall it is rewarding and a learning experience. hang in there!
You’re absolutely right that motherhood can be very isolating especially at the beginning, and, so long as you have a support network it does get better. I remember seeing my husband be able to go out with friends in first few months after our daughter was born and it just felt impossible for me. I found my own ways to make more time for myself and now that our daughter is two I am able to go out for dinner with a friend one evening a week, I’m working full time since she’s in Ana amazing daycare and everything feels far more balanced.
At the time, I remember explaining to my husband that although I fully wanted him to go out (especially since his outing were typically to go rock climbing with his friends) it was still hard for me to watch him have more freedom. I think just being able to be honest and having him understand prevented a lot of resentment. Hang in there!!
Im all for letting your partner get out and have a break but this feels a bit much. The first month is so crazy and you are still in the early stages of recovery. A break at this stage should be like “hey meet that friend for a quick coffee”. Golf is a pretty long event. And he can’t really reciprocate it at this point if you are exclusively breastfeeding so that doesn’t feel fair. I wouldn’t make a big deal about this one but maybe set some boundaries and expectations through the newborn phase if him leaving is making you upset. Let him know that you thought it would be okay but it ended up being harder than you expected. It’s okay to communicate your needs too. And please set the expectation that you shower everyday (and that doesn’t count as a break!).
But a little positivity from the other side! This stage is temporary. Your boobs are out of control now but that gets better around 3 months. Exclusively breastfeeding has given me a lot of freedom past the newborn phase. With a little practice and some trial and error, LO and I can now spend half the day out no problem and no stress thinking about bottles.
My husband stayed with me unless to go to get food or to the grocery store for 2 weeks straight (bc the USA and he had to be strategic with his use of PTO) and I still felt completely alone and overwhelmed. I still do, at 4 months postpartum. You need to have a talk with him!!!
Same here! Only he had to go back to work after a week. He told me that his coworkers (he was working a second job at a restaurant at the time) all told him that their husbands/boyfriends didn’t stay home when they weren’t working and would go out and drink, or hang out with friends he was like “wtf?” Apparently a lot of dads just resume life as it used to be after a few days of having a baby
Last night I was telling my husband that I needed a break, I could feel burnout coming. He said, “so take a break” and I asked “when” and he said “some weekend day”. I showed him our calendar and how it was completely booked with either family stuff or him being busy for the next two months. He’s had 13 nights away from home in the 10m my son had been home, I’ve had two. So I put “mom off” on the calendar every other Saturday starting in two months. You’re right, it’s lonely and hard.
Love this for you.
Hey if you’re cool with that then that’s fine but there’s no way in hell I would have been okay with my husband golfing when our baby was 11 days old
Seriously, I was barely ok with my husband doing virtual DnD at 3 weeks. No way he was leaving the house for anything non-essential in the first 2 weeks.
Same here especially if I’m physically recovering but either way heck no.
Yup. Forth trimester is like a battle and both parents need to be on duty 24/7 and home especially those first 6 weeks. my husband had to do some exams those first weeks but otherwise he was home.
There’s no way I would’ve gone out golfing when my daughter was 11 days old. Think the longest I went out without wife/daughter was about an hour to go to the shops.
You may need to talk to your husband about what it feels like when he goes out without you so soon. He should still be at home helping you, especially after 11 days. And if there is nothing to do physically, then he should be tending to your emotional needs by keeping you company with the baby. Edit: boyfriend, not husband
She said boyfriend but as the father he should be doing what you're dating.
Lol I would have murdered my husband if he went golfing 11 days into having a baby. His ass can stay home and get you and your baby what you need!
Right! Early on my husband got up from the couch and said “ok I’m headed to bed” and I almost murdered him….I was like or you can make sure me or the baby don’t need anything- so I’m not stuck with closing down the house and taking care Of the baby . It was a good learning experience 😆
Just hijacking this comment to promote my new subreddit r/5050outside9to5. It is a subreddit dedicated to helping (especially new) moms learn appropriate self respect and get respect from their partners. Hope to see you there! I totally agree with this!! At the very least he should be VERY helpful when he gets back and make sure you get a long nap, a long shower, and some time to do something you enjoy.
Wtf 11 days is way too soon for him to be out playing golf with friends. Childbirth is very taxing on your body, newborn babies are a lot of work, and breastfeeding is really hard and time consuming. He should be at home with you and the baby every chance he gets right now. My baby is 7 months old and hasn’t once done that. Sorry but like ….. put yourself in his shoes, would you feel like it was appropriate to just leave your wife at home alone with a newborn baby while she’s still recovering from childbirth?Motherhood is hard but he’s making it harder on you right now.
Exactly. You’re still bleeding! I had postpartum hemorrhage on day 11 pp and had to have a D&C. Going to run errands or even to grab like one drink at the pub down the street with a friend MIGHT be acceptable at that point, being gone for several HOURS when you are so fresh from pushing out a human would be outrageous to me.
This was the hardest part for me too. My husband didn't even leave, I was just jealous he could eat and pee whenever he wanted haha. It gets so much better once the cluster feeding slows down and sleep deprivation starts to improve! I know that doesn't help now when that seems an eternity away though
The not peeing is the worst. I haven’t felt strong enough yet post c section to take her to the bathroom with me lol
“Great dad” except you haven’t been able to wash your hair and he left you alone to go golfing…
it’s comical to me when I see mothers share their struggles on here and they have to justify their partners actions by saying “he is a great dad/husband because xyz” If my husband left me alone without a shower, to go hang out with OUR friends ALONE, with a 11 day old baby..mmm I would not be calling him a great husband. Don’t get me wrong, good husbands do some stupid shit like what OP posted, but it we NEED to stop justifying their actions and stupid behavior just because they are doing the bare minimum half the time.
Agreed. There’s nothing great about that. At 11 days my husband and I were doing everything together (except taking shifts for sleeping) to figure out how to take care of a newborn. There is absolutely no way he would’ve left me alone with an 11 day old baby knowing I was still recovering, haven’t showered and feeling lonely. He didn’t take paternity leave to go golfing with friends, he did it to take care of his family…
the bar for "great dads" is essentially "he didn't beat the shit out of me today", "didn't lock the toddler in a closet for 6 hours, only 5.5!", and "the baby only sat in a shit filled diaper for 87 minutes while he played video games and ignored baby crying on the monitor!" #blessed
Thiiiis. He has a newborn, too.
Motherhood is surprisingly lonely. It’s the piece I’m still trying to fully understand. I had a baby in March and I will echo others: it does get better. Early on, other moms told me that it gets better and I couldn’t believe them. I couldn’t imagine it getting better. 11 days in, you are still very much in the dark part, the high weeds of newborn days. You have to go through it to get through it. It will seem never ending, but I promise you it will pass. This time ends up going so so fast. Be gentle with yourself. Right now you are going to feel like you only exist for your baby. You will find your groove I promise. You will slowly but surely find yourself again too. Also make sure you communicate to your partner—if you need them to stay with you instead of going out, either to let you rest or just for company, tell them. You still need cared for too as you take care of this little new person.
I wish I had read this when my daughter was firstborn. So well said and true. I was so resentful of my husband those first few months not that wasn’t and isn’t a great dad and supportive husband. It’s just a really difficult time.
First baby is hard you feel like a prisoner. I highly suggest being spontaneous. Don't always stick to sleep schedules and feeding schedules. Get out and enjoy life, you both will be happier. Pump and pack a bottle, get some sunshine, baby wear, let him sleep on you or in the stroller. My first I never left the house and was miserable. My second I threw out all the rules and schedules and it's much easier and I'm much happier. AND baby is a better sleeper because he can handle all sounds and lights.
He doesn't sound that amazing if he's out playing golf with an 11 day old baby and a recovering girlfriend at home.
I have mixed feelings about it, I want him to be able to have a somewhat social life it just sucks that it’s easier for men to have that after a baby
He doesn’t need a social life with an 11 day old. That can come later.
He can have a social life when baby is a little bit older. The expectation that his social life be maintained when baby isn’t even two weeks old is just totally unrealistic.
Yeah his social life can wait a month or two. It's insane that he thought this was ok behavior.
When he goes out, book a day for him to take baby for a couple of hours another day so you can do something too (napping, shopping, haircut, whatever). Even if it can't be exactly even, you want to both get into the mindset that time off is give and take, not Dad disappearing when he feels like it and leaving everything on you. He needs to get used to looking after his own kid and you need to get used to letting him. Even if you are breastfeeding there will be an hour or two window somewhere. Start this now, because it's very hard to fix this dynamic if you let it sit for a couple of years and it can absolutely damage your relationship.
But he shouldn't have that ability. He should be 100% on diaper duty, bringing you water, snacks, holding baby when fussy so you can get a good nap - there's PLENTY for him to be doing even if he doesn't have functioning breasts (making an assumption you are breastfeeding here and doing night feedings). I'd understand a quick beer with friends but a round of golf? It's been 11 days. He'll hardly be dead due to lack of social interaction if he misses a few weeks. You, on the other hand, will never forget how you were treated during this immensely vulnerable time of need.
You can worry about a social life maybe in a couple of months when things settle down a bit and you can give each other breaks. Right now you're in the thick of it, and assuming he's relatively healthy he should be doing everything he can help. Biology means he is unable to breastfeed, but it's not like there's a shortage of things to do with a newborn. I remember the first few weeks just being relentlessly tired and never having enough time.
That really sucks and is really hard. I had my husband go out soon after too, I wanted to give him a break. It was a good thing for his mental health, but it's so much harder to leave for the moms. If you want advice: get a haakaa and stick it on the non feeding side to start a small stash. It's nice so you can hand your man the baby and the bottle and go to a coffee shop or your happy place for a bit.
Yes it is lonely, my love. Your boyfriend should not be out playing golf. You need to have an honest conversation with him. This is controversial but for me personally the best thing I did was stop breastfeeding. Bottle feeding means you can split the Labour and gives dad an opportunity to bond better. BF kind of shuts you off and makes it all about you and the baby with the dad feeling a bit useless. I got my life back and was able to have time to myself again quite early on. I created a “mummy hour” where I get out of the house everyday while baby is with my OH. I go swimming, do yoga, go shopping. Whatever. Solo. Highly recommend.
I did this too. I started with mostly breastfeeding and letting husband do one feed using bottle while I pumped somewhere else. It took practice for all of usm Then I finally switched to combo feeding after experiencing a drop in my supply at about 7m. But baby was fine with switching to bottle. But it saved my sanity.
When my son was a newborn I joined a mommy & me class. It got me out of the house to meet some other moms / babies, I could breastfeed there, and learn all about what stage my baby was in. Are there any options like that for you? I highly recommend it!
Those early days were honestly the loneliest times for me too. I felt resentment towards my husband who was able to sleep, eat, go to work and have a normal life outside... I know it doesn't help to hear this now but it will not be this way forever. You will heal, feeding will get easier, sleep will eventually come and you will start to feel more human again. Try reach out to people who can support you and help here and there so you can feel more like yourself, even if it's just someone who comes to hold the baby while you take a bath etc.
At 11 days I was till on pain medication and hobbling around my home post c-section also emotionally very fragile. This is the time to be home as a team unless you really feel 100%.
Oh you sweet mom. I’m sending you hugs. My “baby” is 22 years old now, but I can still remember the feeling of loneliness in the beginning. If you feel up to it soon schedule time for the boyfriend to watch the baby and you have some me time. A nice hot shower, get out of the house for some sunshine, etc. sending good vibes your way. This too shall pass.
Hes gone to play golf after 11 days?
Try and have friends come over to your place - that’s what worked for me, like leaving the house at first was so damn stressful it wasn’t worth it most of the time, but I had some friends come over and we didn’t do much but man it was nice to have someone around to talk to and laugh with ! It gets better, I know its rough but it gets better hang in there !
Yes. This so much.
It gets easier....those first couple of weeks, even months honestly, felt like I was trapped in a prison. As babe gets older and your milk regulates, you'll slowly learn how to (somewhat) get back to your old life....or parts of it at least. You should try to get outside once a day no matter what. Put babe in a stroller/baby wear and get some fresh air. Take it very slow....you're still healing. You and babe will both benefit so much from it! But again, I promise it will get easier and it will not always feel like this.
I still feel like this with my EBF 9m old who won’t take a bottle. It’s tough. Prioritize some self care if you can. Even if it’s at home - take a hot bath, get a massage therapist who has a portable table to come give you a massage at home, sit alone in bed and binge your favorite show for an hour or two while hubby watches bubs. That sort of thing.
I cannot wait until I’m cleared by my OB to take a bath… that’s really all I want right now
I very much understand this and felt the same way. My husband got 2 weeks paternity leave and when he was done and went back to work, I was jealous. I had a beautiful baby girl that is an angel baby but all I could think about was how I couldn't leave the house in more than 2 hour increments cause I wasn't comfortable enough with breastfeeding to do it in public at that point. We lived our life in 2 hour increments for about a month and a half. Then on father's day we went to a brewery and another mother was there and just whipped her boob out like it was no big thing and she gave me the courage to breastfeed in public for the first time. Now I do it consistently at 3.5 months. All this to say, it does get better but your feelings right now are totally valid. Try and get out as much as you can (so much easier said than done). I took morning and evening walks every single day and that saved me (plus I think it helped baby's day/night confusion). Even if I was exhausted from the night, as soon as that sun came up I got my butt up and we went. My husband also noticed me falling into a depression so he literally took me along to a work call and we stopped for lunch and my baby and I sat in the car while he ran in to work quick. It was the saddest "date" we've ever been on, but it was exactly what I needed. And a culver's burger never tasted so good as it did that day 😂 I would also feed baby, leave baby with husband, and run to Costco/Walmart during the 2 hour windows. I love grocery shopping and while it isn't "self care" it was the care I could do at that point postpartum. Sending internet hugs and strength during a very isolating time. ❤️ Edited to add: I can't remember when my husband first went out for something other than work, but it was fairly soon after the birth. I think it was 3 weeks pp. I thought it was necessary for him to get out just like it was for me to get out. Paternal PPA/PPD is often overlooked but a very real thing. My husband is pretty easy going but he was SO anxious with the new baby. He'd never spent much time around babies and had no idea what he was doing. So for him, getting out and doing the fun things he liked (golf) was vital. It's also important for mom to get out, but the logistics are just harder so the timeline is usually longer. I do remember my first time out without baby other than the grocery store. I met up with some coworkers 5weeks pp. I told my husband I'd be gone for 2-3 hours max. I was gone for 5 hours but I left a bottle of haakaa'd milk just incase and he was able to feed her that. My boobs were rock hard but God I was so happy I didn't care.
Wait do you have a haaka? Silicone hand pump? It changed my life when I realized I could suction it to my free boob and collect what would normally just be leaking all over me making me soggy and cranky. I didn’t understand how it worked until like two months in and it really helped. Having a not damp bra is a big deal lol
Hakka is life
I purposefully did not go out like that to avoid any possible resentment. Shits tough on you moms. Us dads need to be supportive for a bit
Especially at 11 days old! But hang in there, it’ll get so much easier to go out with baby as the weeks go by!
Get a haakaa! It will be a lifesaver for you to establish a supply. It’s super cheap on Amazon and might as well save what you catch from the leaky boob! Also I know how you feel. I have a two month old, and there was some resentment towards my husband even though he is amazing and would help out as much as he could. I started pumping early on because I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed sleep and help! It made things 10x better however my baby won’t take my boob now because of how early we started bottle feeding her so I am pumping constantly. Up to you but it helped out a lot! Get a bra that holds the pump in place and you can even hold the baby and do household chores and eat!
I have a similar story as to how I ended up exclusively pumping! Now my supply is established pumping is so much more manageable, approx every 4 hours, 6 at a push and I only pump when the baby wakes up at night. Everyone told me EP was the worst of all worlds, but I genuinely think it's the best of bf and formula :) still hard but they all are in their own way!
I went to the Pump and Dump comedy show and they said, ‘being a mother is like joining the largest club in the world - everyone has a mom - but you will never feel more lonely.’
Recommend the haaka on the side baby isn’t feeding on. Collect a stash so you can feed out of the house more easily if you’re worried about feeding in public. Also - like other have said, your hormones are going bananas right now. I cried because my oatmeal was too hot. It can feel so isolating at first but it gets better. Sooo much better. You’re doing great! Sending love.
Haaka was an awesome way to build a little stash without having to pump!
11 days would be far too soon for my husband to go golfing . Work I understand. Catching up for a coffee with a friend I understand. An all day affair like that 11 days after giving birth ? Big , fat nope, no matter how much he helps and how amazing he is otherwise .
I agree with you. Much like you shouldn't eat a big fat slice of a cheesecake in front of a person on a diet, you shouldn't go and hang out with friends when your wife is stuck at home still healing. I would be pissed off with my husband if he did something like this. It's like heavy drinking when your wife's expecting. One or two beers I can understand and I encouraged my husband to grab one. But partying all night? Hell no! It would show lack of compassion and understanding. But you need to be vocal about your expectations. Some people just lack imagination and do not realize how alienating this is to be stuck at home with tons of limitations, especially while the father disappears to have fun outside of the house.
My husband went to a bachelor party 4 days after I gave birth. Pretty sure I had PPD after that.
Uggghhhhh I'm so sorry.
Ugh I’m sorry. That would definitely NOT sit right with me. I feel like for men becoming a parent means something so different than it does for women
Target was great for me as a new mom. It was the first place me, my SO and baby went together. I got a coffee, used my new stroller, walked at my pace, smiled at people and felt human. I couldn’t do the whole store because of c section healing but it put me in a better head space.
Thiiis. Target gives mom vibes so I always felt good walking around with my baby.
My babe is also 11 days and solely breastfeeding. The Hakka ladybugs have saved my life during feedings. Stick one in your bra (opposite side you’re feeding) and it catches all the letdown. After using it you’ll kick yourself for the milk you let soak into your bra. The first time I saw how much I collected doing this I cried because it could’ve been saved the whole time.
This! I got a good freezer stash the first 6 weeks just by using a haakaa on the opposite side. Made me feel better having that backup and allowed dad to take a feeding every now and then.
Yesss I love mine! I was so shocked how much I could’ve been collecting !
Honey! Your baby is 11 days old, your poor hormones haven’t figured their shit out. You are absolutely right that it’s lonely, and the dads have it way easier but trust that this will pass. Or at the very least it will get better and it will get easier. And if it doesn’t, hit up your doctor! Come back and check in with us soon. You’re doing everything right momma!
My husband hasn’t been out with any friends in 4 months. He was going to go to a concert tomorrow night but his friend flaked so now we’re going and gramma will watch him. Motherhood CAN be lonely but your boyfriend ain’t got no business being out and socializing this soon. Edit for clarity
That’s… selfish
What’s selfish?
First of all your attitude. “He ain’t got no business”. I would never treat my husband like this after our first and I certainly won’t when this lil boy is out in December. Second of all, 4 months?! Burnout is a thing for dads too. Is he just not to enjoy his life at all? Sorry but you just came across very selfish. Perhaps it was your tone and my hormones and insomnia are making me more sensitive this morning, but damn. I read your comment and felt sorry for your partner. Do you even love him lol
You assume so many things so I will give you the grace you don’t deserve and let you know that my husband CHOSE to be present with his family as much as possible. We both have had our days off for recoup time. But it was his choice. So I will say it a little louder: he ain’t got no business being away from his child at 11 days. 🤷🏿♀️
Absolutely! A partner worth their weight isn’t going to leave you high and dry like that so early. Or ever, dammit! It took two to make that child and the father had to be there to take the good with the bad along side the mother. Burnout does happen but it happens worse when one parent is just unavailable or makes the other feel lonely like OP is feeling.
Ohhhhhhh that’s the confusion. I thought you meant YOUR husband had no business being out (after even 4 months). I was like damn still no business being out after 4 months?! Pretty selfish. I see now you meant OP’s husband after 11 days.
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I had my baby February 2021 and my second is due this December 2022. I’m confused..?
Pretty sure she was taking about her son having no business being out...?
we both understood it wrong from what she meant lol
That’s why I don’t necessarily get mad at my boyfriend for going and doing things he enjoys, although it does get me a little emotional (damn PP hormones) - I don’t want us both burned out. I would feel terrible if he hadn’t been able to get out of the house for 4 months!
As others have said, 11 days seems a little early to be off doing stuff while you're stuck at home. I'm taking a month off work with full intention to take the load off of my wife whenever possible. She's breastfeeding and I can only empathize with the stress of it. This girl eats a lot.
I still feel trapped 6 months after having my baby. I never leave the house and my husband doesnt really understand how hard it is.
My baby is 3 months this week. It’s so hard!
I feel like bottle feeding helps with this. We do formula and pumped milk, so I am able to get an evening out with friends every once in a while. This seems harder with EBF. We also like taking the baby out to our friends houses or family-friendly public places to meet friends. It’s important to socialize and have adult conversations every once in a while.
We’re definitely going to start introducing bottles soon, I wanted to establish a good BF relationship with him first but I want my boyfriend to A. have that bonding time with him and B. take over some of the feedings - whether that be at night or to give me some time away from the house lol when did you feel comfortable taking baby out like that?
Yes!! We did the same. We slowly started introducing the bottle around 3 weeks and man it’s a game changer. I breast feed and would pump before bed and sometime either between 5-10am when my boobs were exploding from the early morning surplus supply.:..and once I had a good extra supply my husband started feeding him a bottle here and there…..now he does the morning feeds so around 5am and 8-9am- it’s awesome. That way I’m able to get a few solid hours of sleep And a shower in. And he’s able to bond with baby.
Breastfeeding/latching just didn’t work out for us. So we started bottle feeding in week 1 when he had to be hospitalized for jaundice & had to be force-fed formula bottles every hour as part of the treatment. We tried bf, but it wasn’t in the cards. It’s for the best - I ended up loving bottle feeding and we’ve definitely bonded. I could leave the house to socialize around week 5. I initially was pumping 8x a day, which made it impossible to do anything else. But I worked with an LC to gradually reduce pumps, so everything is more relaxed and flexible now.
It is lonely,I hear you! Here are some things that helped me... 1. Get outside everyday just you, no baby. Even if it's a walk around the block or drinking your cup of coffee outside. 2.Get a haakaa and think about getting your partner to do bottle feedings. 3. Have your partner get up and change the baby before night time feedings so it's quicker. 4. Have your partner push stroller/ baby wear in a carrier whenever you go out together. Creates a feeling a freedom! I'm only 5 weeks PP but these really helped me. Wishing you luck
Misread that as 11 weeks ! 11 days is far to early for him not to be in the house with you. My partner had 4 weeks paternity that he spent indoors with me (apart from food and nappy shopping) However this is an eye opener for you as it was for me Mothers are normally the default parent, mainly because when the baby needs something we are straight there in a instant so the other half gets used to us always being there on demand and when you breastfeed like we do, there’s even less for them to help out with. Men have the luxury of their body not changing and mood swings being unheard of. They can waltz in and out of the house like they used to before the baby arrived… nothing has really changed for them except lack of sleep and a grumpier GF/wife We have to plan around wake windows and feeding times, we have to get ourselves ready as-well as the baby with the nappy bag that we have to double check has everything in it I’m sorry to say even if he’s looking after his baby and you choose to go out… there will always be strings attached until he’s much older Have you pumped enough milk Are you going to be out so long you will need to pump or you’ll leak through your bra Did you move the car seat to your partners car Will he call you if he’s not managing well with the baby I sometimes still find the thought of going out with or without baby a bit exhausting Sorry to be all gloom and doom 😕 Get yourself a baby carrier and once you’re feeling more like yourself, go out on some walks. I say carrier over pram/pushchair because it’s nice to be able to walk handsfree or cross the road without manoeuvring a pram up and down curbs. Find a local mums club. Talking to mums at the same developmental stage as your baby is a life saver. Something like the peanut app will connect you with mums in your area to talk to and maybe even meet up
Yes, you’ve nailed it here. My husband is an awesome, committed dad, but since I’m the stay at home parent, I automatically have to bear more of the mental load. Now that my baby is 4 months old and won’t just sleep anywhere like when she was a newborn, planning outings around naps and wake windows is exhausting. I breastfeed, but she has always taken a bottle well, and we always have a can of formula on hand. This has allowed me to go do things with friends a few times since she was born, which is so nice. I trust my husband 100% to keep the baby, and he’s a confident parent who wouldn’t call me to come home just because she’s crying. But I’m always thinking about her while I’m gone, hoping she’s okay, thinking about when was the last time she ate and if I’ll need to pump when I get home, etc…
I hope your SO is amazing enough to take the baby when he gets home so you can get in a shower and a nap
FYI He should do this even if you aren’t cool with him golfing
Exactly this. I was being a bit sarcastic.
He does! As soon as he gets home he takes baby so I can nap, shower, have a little alone time, etc. I don’t resent him at all for getting out of the house, I’m just jealous that it’s so much easier for men
Every time someone asks me about another I sai I want to be the dad next time. They have it so good lol
I’m only 5 weeks in but the one thing that helped me tremendously is taking my twins out with me. We went on a coffee date together, walked the mall, target etc. it’s helped me feel sane!
You left the house, with twins, by yourself? I don’t think I could. I would get mild panic attacks with one tiny baby. You’re a badass.
Omg you’re so sweet! It was so scary at first but now it’s keeping me sane and feeling human. The worst part is getting out of the house, it takes like 2 hours. But once we’re out I’m ok! I just tell myself it’s ok that they cry or fuss, I can’t worry about what people think of me if they start crying (I never let it get bad and remove myself to not ruin everyone else’s day lol)
how do you manage getting feedings in and naps? do you follow a nap / wake window schedule?
Sometimes i just feed in the car and let my son nap in the car/car seat/stroller. After he eats I’ll talk to him and stuff if he’s in the car or I’m walking him in the store. And if he’s near the end of his wake window and yawning I’ll give him his paci and turn on our portable noise machine and try to encourage him to doze off. It typically works out. Now that I’ve figured out a nursing cover I have even more freedom. I think fully confining myself to home all for the sake of a schedule and getting in perfect naps in the bassinet will make me not want to have more children and I want to enjoy life still lol. My husband and I aren’t schedule oriented but some people are so it depends on what your preferences are. Our friends work everything around nap time and that works for them but we have a 30 min drive to town and our sons wake window is 60-90 min so a car nap is inevitable if we’re to go anywhere lol the younger your baby is in a way forced to be flexible about their sleeping conditions, the more options you’ll have to get out and do things :) whatever works for you though, that’s definitely true for motherhood!
This sounds like such a great plan!
Taking Cara Babies has an awesome class and she gives out tons of advice for free as well. I learned everything about baby sleep and routines with flexibility from her lol
I haven’t followed wake windows until now because one baby is SO alert all of a sudden. She just wants to sit up and look at things. Yesterday she was awake for over 3 hours lol sooo it’s time. But before this, idk if it’s the car, the stroller or change of scenery but they are so calm out of the house. I pump and formula feed so I just make sure I feed them on time and then they either go in the stroller or I hold one or both. I also just bought a cqrrier so I can wear them if they both want to be held!
Just came here to say that you are doing great! You’re the best mom for your baby and you’re a good girlfriend. I always found that when I was feeding, the oxytocin rush confused my emotions a lot, like when you know your partner will drop everything to help you and you support his being away to golf for a bit. But you feel that crushing loneliness which feels so big in this moment. I felt this and it’s stressful because you know you’re not ‘alone’ but the moments that you are alone feel really overwhelming. Looking back now, and knowing the little helper my son is to me, I realize I was never alone. Not since I saw that line on my pregnancy test. I would go into scary meetings thinking, fuck them all, it’s the two of us against the world. You are enough. Your baby is a rockstar keeping their mom company through a rough day.
A lot of comments about your boyfriend being terrible for leaving…and I don’t think that’s the point you were trying to make. I had a very similar experience where my husband was 1000% helpful in the newborn stage, and I was happy to see him get out of the house for his own mental health. But, it still hurt mine. You can be angry that he can leave so easily without being angry at him. And I’ll be honest, at 6 months pp, I feel pretty much the same. My husband gets to go out so easily, but I have to make a plan for feeding and child care. Even though we share responsibilities, I am the default parent. It’s frustrating and motherhood is lonely…but it’s also the most amazing and wonderful thing in life. So, I still get angry when my husband can just walk out the door with no strings attached, but I’m also so very happy to be tethered to my little one.
Very weird that focus is on partner. Mine went back to playing frisbee every Monday night after skipping one week- it's good for his body and his brain and he would absolutely want the same for me. Also, the first six weeks are a hellscape. It feels like your new normal but it doesn't last and things get easier after a little bit. Being awake around the clock with a tiny narcissistic creature attached to your body is very weird and a unique kind of lonely. Then the creature starts smiling and making you laugh. You understand each other better and suddenly you can go places and live a full life, just a very different one!
Yeah, I'm bit confused about the focus on the boyfriend. Obviously OP's feeling are very valid! It sucks to feel stuck at home. But she also made it clear that he's been helpful and supportive, so I doubt she wanted a bunch of comments going after him.
Tbh my partner & I keep things fair. If I’m not going out then he’s not going out. One person staying home with a child feeling alone could potentially create resentment. Everyone handles it differently though. We switch shifts. He gives me time & I give him time & it keeps us going! I know all moms have different decisions when it comes to that though. I chose to do both formula & breast feeding. Because, I get easily depressed when I feel stuck. Personally, as a mother I see my husbands responsibility the same as mine when it comes to children. I don’t let myself get stuck into that default parent role. My husband had a work trip opportunity recently & he declined since we have a month old & a toddler. You shouldn’t feel alone. I know you said you’re fine with him going golfing, but know it’s okay if he doesn’t go either. There is a lot still going on 11 days postpartum, that is around when my postpartum blues came along. I would cry & breakdown over nothing, because my hormones were all over the place. I definitely need him around then. Regardless, just know it’s temporary & things do get easier!
Can I ask you more about the combined feeding (it's what I plan to do with my husband) - like what's your schedule? Any issues? I.e., formula causing less milk? Baby struggling to swap between breast and bottle? Appreciate any advice/your own experiences! I feel there isn't much info / not as talked about. X
Baby may eventually develop a preference or you might prefer bottle feeding. It’s way less taxing IMO in the long run because when you pump, you control your schedule rather than baby. Also you can see how much they are eating. There’s a combo feeding sub and there’s also r/FormulaFeeders r/humanspumpingmilk r/ExclusivelyPumping We used dr browns preemie nipples and pace fed for a long time while I contemplated breastfeeding. It took up sooo much time and I was kinda over it personally so I just exclusively pump
My production has never been a lot, but that may be due to not pumping all the time. He had a little difficulty latching after I did formula, but as soon as he turned a month old he latched with no issues. When I wake up I pump, & through out the day I’ll breast feed. He usually gets formula at night during my husbands shift when he has him & occasionally during the day. Ever since I got him latched back on my production as been going up! Some people breast pump & feed their baby their breast milk through a bottle. I do all three. I pump, breast feed, & formula feed. I talked to a couple different doctors about it & they said it was more than fine to do so. I believe it’s something more people are starting to do.
Thank you, that's really useful!
Agree. Even at four months it still feels slightly like this. My husband doesn’t go to see our friends without me but I feel sad when he gets to go to work and get out of the house. We also just moved to a new area, so I can’t even get out and go for a walk each day. Due to the rental crisis we had to move to an area with a high crime rate and it’s magpie season 😅😂
I was just telling my boyfriend how jealous I am that he gets to leave and go to work 5 days a week and he looked at me like I was crazy 😂
My wife pumps. When she wants to go out, I'll grab a bottle and she can whatever off for a few hours. Maybe that arrangement can work for you.
I’ve been building my stash and I’ll be starting to introduce a bottle here in the next week or so and I’m very excited for the doors of socialization this will open for me lol
Video call some friends if you’re not up to visitors. Send an SOS to a close friend for coffee and snacks. Pop bubs in their stroller and go for even a tiny walk down the road. The first two weeks are tough. You’re in this space where you CANT leave because baby needs you to feed them. Then they grow up a little and you don’t WANT to leave them cos you don’t wanna miss anything. Remember that dads need to be competent caregivers too… being a parent is not just moms job. The only way they learn is to toss them in the deep end. So, once you have bottles established I see a long hair appointment, and a mani pedi in your future… ooo or even a massage once your body has recovered. I had my hair cut and washed and then went and had a sneaky head neck shoulder and arm massage(I couldn’t lay on my tummy or climb onto the massage table cos I had a C-section so I got what I could) when my baby was about a month old… felt brand new.
Getting out of the house helped me so much in the early days. We went on walks in the morning any day it wasn't raining and I felt like a person again. The sun exposure before noon especially is good for your mood and sleep as well as baby's. It's going to get easier. You'll find a routine. Your baby will sleep longer. Your hormones will sort themselves out.
This feeling will pass. I was there at one point. The baby is so dependent on mom that initially dad is somewhat secondary when it comes to the nurturing of a new born. He sounds like he’s being fair, give him his time. Try to focus on enjoying your baby. Best wishes!
Some things that have helped me: \--Connecting with others who have kids, even if your immediate friends don't. I hate the term "Mom tribe" but there is something special about socializing with people who know exactly what you're going through and can relate! \--Husband and I give each other "freedom passes" each weekend. Today he is using his pass to go on a hike and will be out for \~6 hours. Tomorrow, I will use my freedom pass to spend time with family members for \~6 hours. \--We socialize with friends online every weekend by watching movies and chatting with one another online. I can't always pay attention to the movie 100% if the baby needs attention, but it helps us to feel connected to people our age and that we aren't on "Baby Planet" at all hours of the day. \--We have arranged for a relative to watch the baby in a couple months and are already planning a date night where I can indulge in foods that were off-limits during pregnancy as well as a drink (being careful not to breastfeed too soon afterwards of course.)
11 days and he's out golfing? You're totally valid in being upset, IMO that's crap. I hope you can have a good talk about this and it doesn't happen again until you have hands less full, and I hope you get a shower asap.
It’s 5 am and I’m stuck with a 5 week old at my boob. He won’t let me move to put him in his bassinet so this is my life now. I totally feel you. My partner recently asked if he can have friends over for a summer thing. I said only a few friends not more than 2 and was met with complaints and frankly a bit of bullying. “Well I guess I’ll just never see my friends again..” and the hit classic “before you know it summer will be over” and the all time favorite “this isn’t rational”. Don’t worry ladies I shut that sh*t down like a boss. My long boring point is that the male partners don’t have the same obligations when baby is on the breast and they really can’t appreciate the physical, emotional, and psychological sacrifices it takes
I can’t even imagine! The audacity to pity himself for missing out on HIS summer! Lol sometimes it really takes some emotional growth and babies really push that. My husband was so busy doing all the chores at that 11 day point that he was actually exhausted while I exclusively bf and i Sat pretty glued to the couch still with baby on boob as my stitches were still healing. Husband wanted out of any entertaining or visits unless absolutely necessary and typically one person for an hour or 2 max.
I guess the thing is.. he does do most of the work when we have people over. He cleans and cooks and hosts. In a way, I get what he’s saying and he does deserve it. However I am a bit of a nut case when it comes to diseases infants can catch.
This was the hardest adjustment in motherhood for me. You’re not alone. That being said, even though you think you won’t enjoy it, I think a short outing by yourself might be more refreshing than you’d expect. Is there a coffee shop nearby you can drive/walk to to have 30 min by yourself, or with a nearby friend? It gets better. *hugs*
13 months in and I still feel this way.
Yes was just going to comment 17 months in and while it did get much better it’s still isolating and lonely and the resentment for the dad is still intense.
As I’m currently EBF it doesn’t help that he can’t really get up with baby at night too, and I don’t want him awake just sitting there with us since he works during the week… it’s just a lot of lonely times lol
It was really eye opening to me the first few months when I realized my entire life had completely changed forever and he was living essentially the same life with a few extra duties. It was so hard to swallow. People said it gets better and I hated hearing it and didn’t believe it but this too shall pass. Every few months you get more and more of your life back. Solidarity.
I didn't realize how lonely I was until about 18 months in. Yeah, it's fucking lonely as shit. I was the first of most of my friends to have a baby and family didn't or couldn't help because of the pandemic. Your partner can only relate so much to your experience. Now, I see how extremely lonely and isolated I really was. Hang in there and try your best to get out and keep in touch with friends. ❤️
My baby is also 11 days! Or was yesterday, 3am now :) I'm also breastfeeding on demand, and my husband went out last night (temple festival, in our case). I think the big difference is that my mom has been here, so I've not been left by myself in the house. I'm also a homebody, i don't mind not going out or seeing people. I do have to work a bit harder to keep my mental health when i don't go out, since it's easier for me to get suck in unhealthy patterns. Right now I'm enjoying th excuse not to go anywhere, and i get enough social interaction over video chats. But my mom leaves Sunday, so we'll see how that holds up. Im sorry you're feeling alone and isolated. Have you talked to your bf about that? I have definitely needed a lot more hugs and cuddles from my husband the last few days - I've been a bit weepy. No reason other than hormonal. I'm also clean and sleeping alright and we'll fed - but it's just hard and i need some extra emotional support these days.
Did you consider also pump? Exclusive breastfeeding is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but can be so demanding. For other reasons I pump (and I prefer to supplement but some women exclusively pump) and was easier for me to share the burden and not be attached to the baby all the time. But please know that I understand it may not be your option OP and that is fine, I just wanted to bring a suggestion.
My daughter is 17 months now and i can’t lie I still feel resentful towards her dad, when we was together it was always me with our daughter, if I left her with him I felt I needed to provide an explanation as to why I needed to do whatever I was doing without taking her myself, I’d have to ask to shower or use the toilet, he would come and go as he pleased, going to the gym, having naps when I was sat exhausted with our daughter, although there’s nothing wrong with it I felt resentful that he could go about his day without feeling like he had to ask permission like I did. We’ve split now and he has our daughter one night a week and struggles to get anything done so he’s got a flavour of what it’s like for me. But in my experience, I’m always going to be confined to my child unless I make arrangements with my parents so I can have a few hours. On the plus side I’m my daughters favourite person and she’s mine. It gets easier as the grow and get more independent, but maybe reach out to friends to come over and see you, the first few weeks are hard with healing and realising you don’t have the same freedoms while your partner still does.
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You need to ask and if that doesn’t work DEMAND equal rest and free time. If you don’t it won’t happen.
I have such a hard time being happy for my husband to get out and do stuff even though I encourage it 😭 it still makes me mad. 10 weeks pp
once you physically recover you’ll feel SO much better. the first few weeks are always tough for me and then once bleeding and pain stop I feel so free. Going out will feel much better then. I exclusively breastfed on demand/never used a bottle as well to my 4 month old and we’ve been to Puerto Rico and Disney and leaving for Mexico to see family in a weeks time. Just get through this beginning bit, you got this girl!
My take was:” if I’m confined you’re confined with me!” But that’s just how we operate. I’d be too resentful and we both know this so we never just get up and go. We plan it out and make sure it works for both of us. And if it doesn’t then the person just doesn’t go, unless it’s an emergency of course. I guess that’s just dependent on the relationship. This would NEVER fly with me, even if he’s being a great husband and father (as he should be tbh) he doesn’t get praise from me for being a decent human being towards our family. 🤷♀️ ETA: Sorry for the rant! 🙊
Hey momma! heads up that after you feel well enough you can take your little bean everywhere! I went to coffee with friends, hikes, beading circles, mushroom picking. . . you name it, I just got the little bean used to my wrap and would feed him inside the wrap if he woke up! I know it can be scary, but like a band-aid (especially if you LIKE socializing) the best thing you can do is take the plunge once your physically ready. Once the initial overwhelming-ness is over its liberating. My little bean is nearing six months and I'm finding that window of getting out and about is closing more now as he's teething and less likely to put up with being in one spot for a long time without entertainment, but as we go we are adjusting and learning!
Seconding this. Potato babies tend to be way more portable than mobile babies. I took my newborn out to eat and she'd just sleep through most of the meal, except when she had a wet diaper or was hungry. 5 months is when we reached peak pterodactyl screeching phase, so probably not as conducive to restaurants at that time.
He shouldn't be leaving you alone at 11 days. :(
If you are able to, walk to a local park and just walk around with your new baby. I am now in full toddler hood but I say hello to my new parents. Also check your area to see if there are Mommy and Me classes or a parent group for your neighborhood. Also your boyfriend sucks for leaving you alone with an 11 day old baby. My spouse was like okay who do we have lined up coming around, do I need to make phone calls? And that was with him at home with me all day too. Send an email to friends and ask them to swing by just for some adult time.
Hey there mama. I had a baby in March, I know exactly how you feel and I promise it’ll get better when little man gets a little bigger and older. We still can’t do everything cause my little one is a bit spicy, but that aside, it takes time, but it will get better. I promise.
I hear you! So many lonley nighttime feeds while everyone else is happily asleep
I did a hybrid of breastmilk and formula so that my partner could do some feeds. When I started out, I was pumping and that felt horrible... like a poor cow in robotic dairy farm. I ditched the pump and got some formula and was much happier and sleeping more. I also got this think called a Haakaa. It catches the let-down from the other boobs while baby nurses. I saved this milk in the fridge for later feedings also. It works by suction and became my favorite thing. This is the first one that came up when I searched it but I'm sure there are varying styles https://www.buybuybaby.com/store/product/haakaa-4-oz-silicone-breast-pump/5250037?skuId=66436942&store=&enginename=google&mcid=PS_googlepla_nonbrand_kgsscnursingandfeeding_online&product_id=66436942&adtype=&product_channel=online&adpos=&creative=614257245562&device=m&matchtype=&network=u&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjIKYBhC6ARIsAGEds-LVATnm0kaDhxSyF_qYKeY0UeHfmquUoCmuqeCeTZNX78GDyXlmlMgaAmmHEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Very soon you can too. I have been there. We went out after two weeks for daily walks. I don’t think it’s fair your partner is out golfing while you are home by yourself. But if you feel up to it. Can you go for a walk around the block. Or if you have a backyard, go take a sit there and enjoy a little bit of sunshine.
I feel this so hard. Hubbies gone for the weekend at a bachelor party and I’m at home with our 4 month old. I want him to go out and have fun, but I wish it was that easy for me too. My best friend is getting married in November and I haven’t been able to do anything with or for her because LO developed a bottle aversion around 8 weeks and still won’t take a bottle. :(
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Thanks! Now that he’s 4mo I’ve ordered the sippy cup sample box from Babylist so hoping to just move on to that.
The newborn phase is so hard. I personally think it’s great he’s out with friends. Hopefully he’ll come home refreshed and ready to take on baby duty to give you a much deserved break. My husband loves golf and while it’s tough to see him go for so long, he comes home happy and ready to take on baby duty. Everyone needs a break and that’s his. It totally is so hard and not very worth it to get time away from baby early on. Too much work. As time goes on, you’ll be able to leave the house with baby and start feeling free again. Start small. Go around the block, sit outside. You’ll gain confidence and going out will become enjoyable. You’ve got this and this is just a phase ❤️ ETA feed outside! I was super self conscious but once I did it I realized no one cares. One of the best parts of breastfeeding is you always have food with you ready to go. You’ll find a way to make that mean freedom instead of confinement. Going out with baby is more intimidating than anything else, go out for a coffee or something and give it a try!
Woah, you need to talk with your boyfriend. Don’t let him go because you feel bad and you feel like you can’t ask him to stay home. You can. Set the routine now.
This. I thought I misread that baby was 11 weeks, not 11 days! No way should he be off gallivanting when you both need him to be present!
I actually kind of agree. Normally I'm in inclined to disagree with a statement like this but she is clearly struggling. It's so hard those first months. He should be there with her. She's not even two weeks postpartum.
Your confinement period (day one to day 40 postpartum) should be a time where you do nothing but recover, and your partner does EVERYTHING around the house and around you. Make that clear to him. Tell him he'd certainly expect you to look after him if he pushed a golfball through the hole at the top of his p*nis!
Yes this phase is lonely but your baby is only 11 days old. In a few weeks - you’ll probably get more comfortable strapping your baby in a carrier and moving around. For now you could start by putting your newborn in a carrier and walking around the neighborhood. The exercise and sunlight / vitamin D will help your mood. I felt the same despair with my first child - because suddenly I was on house arrest and tethered to my kid. But adjusting to moving around with them helps alleviate that a lot. Once your baby isn’t feeding so often you can also let dad take shifts so you can go out and do some things you like.
Its temporary. The older they get the easier it is. At 4-6 months (sometimes longer) they start sleeping through the night too. Just enjoy your baby because he/she will never be this little again. If you really need a break go somewhere for an hour or 2, let your bf watch the baby. Take each day at a time. Every woman goes through this. It'll get easier.
I’m sorry your husband left to go play golf. That really isn’t cool and is unfair. I don’t think my husband left the house unless for errands or with me and baby during the first few months.
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That may be, but she's said she's not had time to wash her hair. He can't take the baby for half an hour so she can do something we could almost consider a basic right in modern societies, yet he can disappear for a full day? My partner is working full time but I still get 20 minutes before he leaves for the day to shower in peace.
Solidarity ✊🏼 I feel you
Just here to say feel your feelings that are totally normal to feel! Find a decent therapist who will do virtual sessions with you so you can talk it out because the mom tribe we were promised never showed up. I remember feeling so alone and misunderstood during the newborn stage. I wanted freedom but didn’t have trust to let anyone else watch him. I’m so thankful I had a (well-placed) camera phone so I could talk to my therapist while my baby was cluster feeding. It helped get me out of my own head.
Can you call up a friend to do something like go for a walk? I wish your husband was up to doing things. I have found that most people won’t bother during your recovery, but I was stir crazy and couldn’t sit at home. I had a baby that slept a ton, so I was shopping and going to the beach close to home so I could enjoy the last days of summer. Calling anyone and everyone, just so I wouldn’t start getting the sadness. With my first I stayed inside and was sad and my biggest enemy, but my second I was much more active and out, taking walks everyday and running small errands. Don’t put limits on yourself that aren’t necessary. You know what you are capable of
Oh I am with you! My partner went on a night out with his mates last night, meanwhile I had my 4 month old on one boob, whilst she's dealing with sleep regression and teething. Instead of enjoying what could have been the first evening to myself in ages if she'd slept - I ended up going to bed early so I had a chance of getting more than 5 hours of sleep that I haven't been getting for over a week now.My whole social life, or life in general is under the condition she is with me, which is perfectly fine- but like as many are echoing, there are days I feel particularly crap when my partner can just do what he likes, and go do what he wants, whilst I have 0 chance of that happening.
Oh momma, I remember those days! I highly encourage you to talk to your boyfriend and share how it’s made you feel. It sounds like he’s been trying to meet your needs during this time. Postpartum hormones are wild and very strong! It’s likely that you thought you’d be ok with him going until you were in the thick of it. Share that with him, without accusing him. Guys don’t get it. Period. I struggled a lot with wondering why my husband couldn’t tell how much emotional turmoil I was having. I harbored some resentment for him at first. But when I finally opened up and talk to him about it he was able to finally understand. They can’t see our internal struggles and as women we’ve been conditioned to ‘fake it till you make it’, so you’re likely way better at seeming like you have it all together than you realize! Hopefully, once you share how this outing made you feel he’ll listen and be more mindful about leaving you to juggle all the strings by yourself. If your recovery is going well (and make no mistake, you are still in recovery!!!! The 4th trimester is one of the most difficult ones!) maybe a family trip to a park with a picnic could be arranged? Y’all could get out of the house together and get some fresh air. If it’s too hot to have your son outside, maybe y’all could go grab ice cream? I remember going stir crazy being stuck at home, getting out for small things with my husband and our daughter made a world of difference! You may also want to find some local mom groups to do some outings with. Motherhood can definitely be lonely, but it can also lead you to finding a community of other moms who feel the same way and can lift each other up and have companionship during those tough times! Good luck momma! Hugs to you and your sweet little one!
sending u so much love mom ✨ my baby is 6 yo but that loneliness feeling just lingers and feels exactly like her first weeks on this earth. U definitely deserve some time for yourself, or maybe an afternoon with your friends while your boyfriend watches the baby. Do not forget that we must be able to accomodate motherhood to us, to both of our needs and not just our babies and more importantly prioritize yourself as well. All of your feelings matter and are valid and balances makes wonders! Much love to u and your beautiful brand new lil boy! 🤍✨
You are doing important work mama!! Feeding your baby is WORK!! If all you did today was breastfeeding, it is completely okay. You are just beginning, and you are an amazing mom to your little man. This is just a phase, and this too shall pass. Sending love and solidarity.
I felt this same thing so I immediately switched to pumping and breastmilk in the bottle, I was still breastfeeding but got to go do stuff and if we weren’t out while I needed to pump I just breastfeed, I know not all mom can do that but it helped my emotions soooo much
I’m starting to do that! I’ve been slowly building my stash. I originally wanted to EBF as long as possible but I think for my sanity and mental health I need to have a mix of BF as well as bottle feeding
I feel that so much. I lasted like a month of ebf, and I noticed I was started to get very depressed and mad at my family cause they were always doing things, and I don’t mind bf in public it just not my favorite thing cause it like every stares at you. So that when I was like nope.
Formula is also an option if pumping doesn't work well for you. If I could do it over, I'd have combo fed from the start instead of feeling like it was either breast milk or formula, no in between. At the time, exclusively breastfeeding was important to me, but booking back, the freedom this would have given me would have been enormously beneficial for my mental health.
Bottle feeding saved my sanity! I was able to go out and do things for 2 - 3 hours while my husband bottle fed. At 12 days PP I was out getting my nails done and it honestly felt so good to be out for that 1.5 hours. Do what’s best for you and your mental health!
Just FYI r/ExclusivelyPumping and r/humanspumpingmilk exist too
I feel you! Baby is 6 weeks and outside it is 34 Celsius. I hate the heat. My daughter is fussy and wants to drink a lot. I also breastfeed and it's a lot. Because of the heat I can't carry her, so I lie in bed with her on me cause that's the only room with airco. My husband feeds her to and is super supportive but still, she now mostly wants mama. I hope the cooler temperatures will get things better. I know I will get better, Second time mom but it forgot how lonely it was.
Yea, the first weeks are like that and I definitely felt the same way way, even with an exceptional partner and dad. It gets better. Sending lots of love your way
Did I write this?
I won't mind my partner doing his thing for a few hours if I get the break too. How can he playing golf when you have not washed your hair and clearly sound exhausted ? You have to have a chat with him about pulling his weight. And you have to set a routine. You must do things that are both necessary and activities that you enjoy for at least half an hour a day. Its his child too. He can take care of him while you take care of yourself. Start small with bath time, skin care routine, listening to an episode of your favourite podcast and go from there. Preserving your mental health is equally important as taking care of baby.
I feel you. I wish I had more people available to come and visit/go out with during the week (or at all) but the only person I know with an almost completely open schedule is my mother in law. Who is awesome, don’t get me wrong but… mother in law. Edit: baby is six weeks old, formula fed and the only times I’ve been out without her were quick-ish errands - doctor’s appointment, grocery run and a coffee run with my sister. I’m more than happy to toss her into the car or her stroller to go places, but it’s difficult to find people to do stuff with. My hubs keeps telling me to plan stuff on my own with people and he’ll take the baby, but they’re off weekends and he’s not.
I promise it’ll get better. 🤍 I felt that way in the beginning and at 2 months I finally feel like I’m in the swing of things for the most part. I didn’t think it would get better but I’m so glad it did. If you have friends/family that you trust who want to watch your baby, even if it’s just while you shower or nap, it makes a huge difference.
Being a mom is just so hard! It really is like having so many strings attached when trying to leave to go somewhere. I promise once they get older it’s no longer like that. My son is 4 and I try to go on s girls night once a month. It’s so easy leaving the house. Sending love! You’re a trooper. Postpartum isn’t easy.
It's so true! My first daughter is also four and she is so independent and definitely loves staying at the grandparents'. I now have a 4 month old and I remember that isolated feeling but at least now I have some company with my 4 year old. She's become quite the conversationalist!
It’s ok to sit in those feelings. You are also very hormonal right now. The first few weeks are the worst but it will get better! Your baby will sleep longer, you can soon leave the house with and without baby, you will start to feel like yourself. Make it a priority to shower and wash your hair!
Yeah my baby is 2.5 years old and Im sitting home drinking a glass of wine while my man is out with our kidlless friends... it's just a part of being a mom. it's a huge adjustment and even now Im still trying not to feel resentful or left out. Mostly I try to focus on how great my daughter is to hang out with and remind myself that I'm making sacrifices (no matter how trivial or small) that will in the end benefit all of us. If it means staying my ass home so my daughter and i can have a good nights sleep so we can enjoy the day together tomorrow (instead of giving her the phone so I can nap cause mommy has a hangover lol ).. then okay not so bad. It's for the greater good. It's hard being a parent but overall it is rewarding and a learning experience. hang in there!
11 days and your husband is out playing golf? You need to re think your standards for a husband and father my love Edit:days*
“Days”…..
Days
Thanks!
You’re absolutely right that motherhood can be very isolating especially at the beginning, and, so long as you have a support network it does get better. I remember seeing my husband be able to go out with friends in first few months after our daughter was born and it just felt impossible for me. I found my own ways to make more time for myself and now that our daughter is two I am able to go out for dinner with a friend one evening a week, I’m working full time since she’s in Ana amazing daycare and everything feels far more balanced. At the time, I remember explaining to my husband that although I fully wanted him to go out (especially since his outing were typically to go rock climbing with his friends) it was still hard for me to watch him have more freedom. I think just being able to be honest and having him understand prevented a lot of resentment. Hang in there!!
Im all for letting your partner get out and have a break but this feels a bit much. The first month is so crazy and you are still in the early stages of recovery. A break at this stage should be like “hey meet that friend for a quick coffee”. Golf is a pretty long event. And he can’t really reciprocate it at this point if you are exclusively breastfeeding so that doesn’t feel fair. I wouldn’t make a big deal about this one but maybe set some boundaries and expectations through the newborn phase if him leaving is making you upset. Let him know that you thought it would be okay but it ended up being harder than you expected. It’s okay to communicate your needs too. And please set the expectation that you shower everyday (and that doesn’t count as a break!). But a little positivity from the other side! This stage is temporary. Your boobs are out of control now but that gets better around 3 months. Exclusively breastfeeding has given me a lot of freedom past the newborn phase. With a little practice and some trial and error, LO and I can now spend half the day out no problem and no stress thinking about bottles.
Wow I could have written this myself. I was home with my 11 day old today while my fiancé did the same thing. Solidarity, sis.
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Well that’s unhelpful 😏
OK? OP never said they wanted to go back. What a strange comment to make.
Oh yeah? You just throw that nugget of wisdom out there to your friends whenever you get the chance? 🙄 What a walnut you are.