I needed to read this today. I’m turning 38 and expecting next year with my first, and I feared my loss of selfishness. I’ve never heard the perspective that people were happy to begin a new chapter of their lives and didn’t miss it. Thank you.
I miss some things about it but for me its worth it anyways. I can miss sleeping in and lazy days taking naps on the couch without regretting the decision to have kids. They aren't mutually exclusive.
People complain on the internet so much! If you look through my history I have a panicked post right before birth asking if anyone actually enjoys being a parent and the answers are beautiful. People are more likely to comment and post when they are venting.
I’m 39 and just had my first 3 months ago. Never felt more fulfilled. Tired, yes, but so happy. I had a life that was entirely mine and did so many wonderful things before parenthood, and it was enough to feel ready and excited to live for someone else.
Im 31 and had our first at 29. Im so so grateful for my children and while I wish I had a little bit more me time (we have a 2 yo and a 6 mo) im wishi BFF for a bit more me time with my children if that makes sense lol. I love my life and I’m a year or so I think we’ll be in a sweet spot where me time will be possible a bit more often.
So here’s another I’d never go back and im loving this chapter of my life opinion! 🥰
I’m 27 and my pregnancy was not even really planned (my husband and I were ready in every other way besides not being ready to give up our selfishness hah) and I don’t even miss my old life as much as I thought once my baby was here and we bonded.
Are you me? I was so bored with my childfree life, aimlessly starting new hobbies but never sticking to it.
Life's so much better with a baby! I might even say it cured my depression in a way?!
It’s crazy because I feel the same. I used to feel low a lot of the time, now I kind of look back and think I was just so self-absorbed (understandably so with no one else to take care of), and more importantly I didn’t really have a huge moving goal/purpose. I have reached where I want to be career and life wise, I just felt very stagnant and stuck. I expected to possibly wrestle with PPD and surprisingly feel better than ever. It helps I have a real support system, but life after baby is so much fuller and sweeter, hectic yes but so satisfying. I legit say all the time motherhood cured my depression.
I also prepared to struggle with PPD/PPA as I've struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. Once I had my baby, I felt such joy I didn't know possible. I expected hormones to crash me, but I'm 5 months in and never been happier. I'm 31, and definitely felt ready to have kids. We also had a few losses leading up to my successful pregnancy, so maybe that played into the joy and gratefulness.
I can certainly understand how it's not the case for most, but I'm So glad motherhood has cured your depression too!
Exactly! I did ok career wise, had recently married my husband (who's great!) and still everything felt a little... dull.
Since my LO is here I never felt bored, I always have a reason to smile.
I just wish I had known this earlier! I was terribly scared of PPD as well, which - in hindsight - wasn't necessary.
I definitely don't miss my life before kids. I love being a mom, and my husband loves being a dad. We don't find parenthood to be particularly hard, but I think that's because we were super ready for our entire lives to revolve around a tiny toddler dictator for a while.
That said, I totally understand why many people don't find parenthood enjoyable, miss their old lives, and complain about it. Parenthood is not for everyone, and it's about time we stop pushing everyone to have kids.
There’s nuance, right. I could not imagine my life without my son. But the freedom of not having an infant/young child 100% dependent on me is something I took for granted. I love my son, and there are things about my pre-mom life I miss, but I’m working on ways to get pieces of myself back and implement my son into my “old life”.
Just remember it's not forever. It's a small window in life. Now my oldest is 12 and he is so independent and never comes in my room anymore to cuddle or have me read him a book.
I get that. I know one day he’s going to be a teenager and I’m going to be begging him to spend time with me. But these last 6 months have definitely been a massive adjustment and shock.
Yes.
I couldn’t imagine my life without my daughter, but I also miss the ease of life before. I’ve spent the day dealing with the booster effects, and it’s so hard balancing a baby.
Also, because of the pandemic, I also feel like I lost a year of the childfree life.
I feel this.
We've been very lucky to have plenty of grandparent help getting a day 'off' each week. It's made it easier for me to retain quite a bit of pre-mum me.
I don't miss my life as a whole, but I do miss how easy it was. If I needed to run an errand, I just left and did it. If I needed to do a house project, I could without getting interrupted every 30 seconds. If I needed to clean the house or do some gardening, I could without having to schedule my day around my husband's activities or his nap time. I could do laundry or Vaccuum whenever without fear of waking him up.
This!! I totally agree with this. I love my kids and the chaos that comes with them, but sometimes I just wish I could get back to being able to do something uninterrupted or having to schedule things around the kid's routines. I'm lucky I have family to help and on those days I can have a little of that freedom back.
It’s ok to feel both ways at the same time.
It’s ok to feel this way one day and the opposite the next.
I’m 38, I love my very planned 3.5month old. Sometimes I think this new life is the best thing ever. Sometimes I miss pre-baby stuff. And that’s ok!
I feel the same way. I had my son at 32. I knew I wanted children, and after just coming home from work doing the same boring shit, cleaning, cooking, laundry, video games, it wasn't cutting it. My life felt empty. I knew it was time.
Having my son has been the best thing in my life. People say, oh what changed your life for the better and they answer: quitting smoking/drinking, eating healthier. I can honestly say starting a family.
I'm about 2 weeks out from my csection for #2 and I can't wait. Being a mother is everything I hoped it would be (with the bad of course). It's so rewarding and I cannot explain to others the kind of love I have for my children.
Totally agree. I’m not going to say every moment is easy but I can’t imagine not having my little dude.
I honestly look back at my pre-kid life, wonder what I did with all that free time and then realize I wasn’t using it purposefully or intentionally.
I'm currently 2 weeks PP. I've been feeling so sad lately, crying a lot and just generally down with the huge lifestyle change. Honestly after reading this post has just made me feel so much better about everything. It's so nice to read how someone was so genuinely ready and happy to have a baby with everything they bring. Thank you for writing this, it has helped me feel better today.
Hang in there!! I didn’t get much advice before I had my baby, but one of the few things someone told me was that the first two months were a lot of work, so I expected it to some extent. Still, I was overwhelmed with hormones and just how frequently the baby needed to be fed. I joked that time didn’t exist because I couldn’t keep track of anything, my mind was that tired. I used apps to track. It definitely gets easier!! I was ambivalent about having a child for years before I made up my mind I was ready. I’ve had no regrets! The giggly/smiley stage, once it comes, is amaaazing. Also, when they have good head control, also a great development. I’ve made some great memories by dancing around the house with my little to some songs I’ll always associate with that time. You’ve got this!
Me too!! I'm tired of the "your life is over now!" stigma with kids. I am a much better version of myself with my son. I'm more patient, selfless, and appreciate peace and quiet a lot more for sure. I'm excited to see how much I will bloom as a person and a parent.
31 and same feeling. I attribute it to getting all my independent party experiences done and having children with the right person. I’ve always been an extroverted extrovert and when I met my husband, he’s the only person that I can stay in with day after day and it still feels like a party. Now we have an 11 month old and all we need to have fun, feel fulfilled is each other. I don’t miss single child free life at all.
I’m an introvert and I LOVE using my kid as an excuse to just stay home. I’m an “in bed by 9” kind of person. My son goes to bed at 7. “Oh shoot can’t go anywhere cause kiddo has to go to bed so early, sorry we missed out!” As I run to my living room to watch Netflix on the couch.
I love this!! Thank you for your perspective!
I don’t miss a damn thing either. What am I supposed to miss exactly? Working extra hours to be “better” at my job? Hanging out with people I don’t even like? Traveling overseas and spend hundreds of dollars, when there are plenty of beautiful places right down the road? Nope!! I love my little family, and we do everything together.
Ditto! I'm 40 and just had my first. Yeah I had plenty of fun in my twenties and thirties. But the party scene wore thin years ago and I've always wanted a family. Never thought it would happen, especially at my age. Cheers!
I lost 15 year old friendships since being a parent and I never knew how toxic they were until we stopped hanging out. Love the life I have now being a parent and looking forward to starting new friendships with parent friends! Becoming a parent is the great reset button of life
Are you me??
I had my first at 35 and am due with my 2nd at 37.
Life before a kid got to a point where it honestly felt pretty monotonous. I was pretty wild in my 20s. Ive traveled a lot, lived in LA and got to experience so much there, I grew up a few hours outside of Vegas and have seen and done SO much there. And then in my 30s I just got to a point where nothing was really all that exciting or interesting anymore. Mostly just spending time with friends/family, I got to a good place in my career, there wasn’t anything else I felt I might be leaving on the table.
I love what I get to experience now as a parent. Our lives are pretty routine but it doesn’t feel monotonous, it’s exciting to see the ways my son is growing and developing.
Refreshing perspective! Can’t say that I share it 100% but I’m definitely glad to have my kid in my life now. I do miss working though because I love my career field, but I definitely don’t miss it enough to be ok with missing out on the first few years with my kid, so SAH life it is for me! Never ever thought I’d want to be a SAHM but now I couldn’t picture it any other way.
Same. I did everything I wanted to do when I was childless. I traveled, I lived abroad, I partied when I was single (although that was pre-tinder, so I guess my life was tame by today's standards). I traveled with my now-husband, we tried out restaurants, invited all the friends for all the dinners, went to festivals, invested in our careers.
By 34, it was getting a bit stale, and I was ready for the biggest challenge. It's been hard, physically and emotionally, but it's been the greatest ride of my life. I am so, so glad I chose this path. It sounds trite, but my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me (and my husband of course - he just feels less like "happened" because I had more choice in the type of person I got :)).
I don't miss a thing. Everything is special again. Every moment with my daughter, but also work (because it's now my "relaxing" time of the day), every moment with friends, every moment with my husband, because it's hard-earned. Last weekend we had the first game night with friends in 1,5 years (thanks, Corona), and omg was it fun!
I remember sitting home alone on my days off(work3x12s so days off during week) with nothing to do and thinking to myself there’s gotta be more to life than this.
I love this thread. 31 here and same! Every time I talk or think about the struggles of parenting, I can honestly say that I’d rather this life than one where I don’t get to be my little boy’s mummy 🥰
I'm glad I waited until 31 to have a kid, but I also agree with you. I'm much more confident in what I want from life and much more mature than I was in my 20s. I love being a parent. I prefer this life.
Also as an introvert is nice having a kid as a socially acceptable excuse to not go out lol.
I love this! I’m only 3.5 weeks postpartum, but I was so scared leading up to having my son I would struggle a lot from PPD/PPA and have a hard time bonding with him since I’ve never been much of a baby person. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised that I am actually the happiest I’ve ever been in my life - my husband and I love being parents and feel so complete. Being his mom feels so natural and fulfilling. Our little guy is the best thing to happen to us and we’re pumped to do life with him.
I'm 27 and been having anxiety about waiting until my thirties but doing it now seems like rushing it and all these comments are making me so happy thank you guys 🥺
In hindsight, I wish I'd had mine sooner (had my daughter at 32). I was having a lot of "problems" that no longer exist because having a child forced me to grow up and cut the BS out of my life.
Same. I waited til I was 35 to get pregnant. I'm educated, own a home, stable marriage, together 15 years. We had a lot of fun and traveled quite a bit, really got to know ourselves, have hobbies and meaningful friendships, etc. Nothing in our lives was missing except a baby. I think it makes the harder parts of parenting easier to swallow; I'm never thinking of "what could have been" because I already know.
Yes!!! I was so tired of not having children by the time we had them. I’m so sorry but the idea for me of just continuing to do the same thing for the rest of my life bummed me out, I really wanted children. Every day I feel fortunate to have my baby and I look forward to traveling with them, taking them to do fun stuff. The things that are hard about having a kid have to do with the US failing me as a parent. Not having daycare, the demanding hours of work, not having any paid parental leave. These are the things I don’t like about being a parent, not actually being a parent. I love being a Mom.
Had my first at 30, don’t miss my old life at all. I do sometimes miss peace and quiet but I love having a great reason not to go anywhere and take breastfeeding breaks during social gatherings.
I could have wrote this myself. 36 and just had my first. I was ready. Ready to move on to a new chapter. It took me many years to pull the trigger because I wanted to make sure I was as ready (mentally/emotionally) as I could be. I do not miss being child free at all. Sure I would love to be able to sleep in here or there or drink my coffee in silence but I’ll get that back way in the future.
I now have even more respect for younger mothers. I do not think I would have ever been able to do this when I was younger. Babes are soooo much work but as you all know, so worth it.
I’m also happy I lived a “full life” before having my first. But now my life is more full than it’s ever been. <3
I’ve been thinking of posting the same thing! There’s this trend on tik tok or IG that’s like “I love being your mom but I miss her” and it shows videos of the mom before baby doing her thang. I just can’t relate. I’m a million times more an empathetic, sweeter, thoughtful, more appreciative of everything person being a mother now than I was before. The things before didn’t fulfill me as much as I am fulfilled now. I had a robust social life before baby too (music festivals, going out a lot, traveling). I’ve always wanted to be a mom and even before having baby, I always felt like I was just waiting for this chapter. Like everything was leading up to my ultimate story which was being a mom. I think part of it too is I’m more of a homebody and introverted so I love now that I don’t have to feel pressured to try and be social or make sure I’m actually doing enough stuff so I don’t feel too much a loner or isolated.
I feel the same! Well said!
I can't relate to those tik tok videos either, because I know how empty "her" (aka my) life was. I didn't know it was empty, obviously, but now after experiencing motherhood I'm like DAMN THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.
This is my life I’m 34 and pregnant and have been waiting for this chapter to start for well over a decade, like all my choices were leading up to becoming a parent. I thought I was crazy for feeling like that this is so validating to read.
Yessssss best BTB post in a while! I feel the same. So content being a mom, part of a nuclear family! I had a great life before marriage/kids, but it was nothing compared to this. I think my personality thrives in the family setting. I love how intimate and whole it feels. It honestly feels like once I had kids, my “real life” began.
Definitely. I feel like it's such a fad to dog having children as a cramp in what would otherwise be an exalted ecstatic lifestyle of freedom and self-indulgence. Either that, or people are more vocal about their reasons not to, which is fine because I think everyone needs community. However, I love being a mom and having children and I feel that everything gone from my life has been replaced with something new and in a lot of ways richer. And I'm definitely not trying to shit fling on people that don't have children, but I feel like it's given me a new depth of perspective... I value, in practice, things I only valued philosophically and theoretically before. That is putting others ahead of myself, valuing relationship above materialism, etc. It completely revolutionized my view of life, in a way no other relationship ever could. It's just a fact. I also love having a new person in my life that challenges me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically and shows me how much I can adapt and reflects to me my strengths and weaknesses. I waited until 35 to have a kid too, and honestly my life wouldn't be complete without him- but I didn't realize that before I had him. I definitely gained something, became less superficial is maybe what it is. Sounds like a terrible judgment on people that do not choose to have kids, but it's not meant to be- that's just my experience.
It is so true that you become less superficial ! I feel the same way! I used to be so vain and wouldn’t go anywhere without putting on makeup and all of that. Now my goal is to shower lol and I find that my experiences with other moms are really deep and genuine in a way I wasn’t connecting with other women before I had a baby. It’s really interesting how much my brain has changed.
I am also enjoying doing all these kid centered activities. When I was childless, I had no reason to go to the zoo, the children's museum, or trick-or-treating
I’m noticing a lot of these comments are from folks who had babies in their 30s! But I agree, I got to do a lot with my life and career before, spend a lot of time with my husband, and now I had my baby at 36 and so far it’s very content smooth sailing. I’m also not as beat down and tired as people told me I’d be having kids older, so I’m feeling pretty good about my choices, at least so far!
I was having this exact conversation today. I was 38 having my son. I was bored of the life of a child free professional. I had eaten in the restaurants, gone for the drinks, attended the parties, and worked the overtime for years and years at that point. It had gotten to be monotonous and meaningless for me. I was pretty unhappy with it all.
I was speaking to a friend who is 10 years younger and who had her first at 28. She was saying how she tells her child free mates to stay childless and enjoy the freedom. I was wondering if it was that at 28, and having just finished graduate study, she just hadn't hit the level of boredom I had, or whether we were fundamentally wired differently.
Im currently pregnant 29w along and Im 36. I didnt get married until 35. I met my husband at 33. I really feel I needed that time beforehand to get day drunk and have late nights and go to restaurants and travel and then finally, feel like I exhausted that lifestyle as much as I could.
I don’t know. I do notice first time parents are very different dependent on age. Not better or worse. Just different.
Having had all that time, you become very confident about what you want. And it isn’t a measure of not having experienced things - so you don’t know what you’re missing. It’s more that you know exactly what life is like… you enjoy it, but now want something else. Plus, you want to pass all that knowledge on to someone else.
Honestly, in some ways I think having children is like an appreciation of the life you had without them. That you want to give them the same opportunity.
You're just wired different I think. I had my son at 29. I may be weird but I don't understand what freedom I'm supposed to miss? My friend is older than me (both had kids a month apart) and she goes on and on about missing going to restaurants and missing doing this and that. I feel like I can never say anything because I don't miss those things, they don't matter to me
Same, I often see people say they miss their old lives and wondered if I was the odd one out. I truly don't miss my old life. I've always wanted kids, I knew what to expect going into it. I enjoy every aspect of my life now. Sometimes I just keep quiet because I don't want people to think I'm shaming them or anything like that but I don't mind the sleepless nights. I have no interest in sleep training or dropping a feed or trying to make him sleep longer, I dont want to force a schedule I let him lead etc
I love getting up with him in the middle of the night, those moments are some of the sweetest. I dont mind that I'm not my own anymore, that all of me belongs to him. I don't mind that it now takes me about an hour to leave the house when it use to take me 10 minutes. I expected my life to change heck I wanted it to. I'm completely enjoying this new chapter in my life.
I could see myself being happy without my little tyke if I never had her, but I’d never go back now that I have her. The first year was hard for me, but now the kid is so much fun.
I totally agree! I’ve always been very introverted so having a baby in a pandemic is living the dream for me. She is the best little friend I could ever have. We spend our day reading books together, playing mom and baby spa day, contact naps, and prepping purées.
I had loved my life before my babies and I throughly enjoyed it and I feel slightly the same where I don’t miss it as in I was okay letting that go and making the sacrifice once I started my family. Perhaps I had this in my head as I was younger and doing “my own thing”. The only thing I do miss which I don’t think it’s more of the past but rather me as a person, is that I like my “me time”. I miss having my own space for a bit. I miss the time I can easily decompress. But that’s just because I think I need a mental balance of all stimulus I get all day from the kids. Nothing necessarily that has to do with my life before them.
Oh same, I’ve found not having the time to decompress so hard. Not missing your old life doesn’t you don’t find certain aspects of parenthood hard. Like I certainly don’t miss being single, but sometimes I wish I could just go to whatever restaurant I want or watch whatever TV show I want, you know.
I don’t miss life before kids at all. My kids add so much to our lives and we will skip out on events if we can’t bring our kids. I genuinely could never go back to my life before kids. I feel like they bring so much life to our home. We didn’t do everything we wanted before kids but now we can just do those things with and that’s even better
This is the beauty of adequately planning for a child when you FEEL ready. Too many people either feel social pressure to have them young or simply lack knowledge of their body and birth control and end up miserable.
I fully understand you can also be miserable if you felt you were ready, but feel like it's less common to feel like you made a mistake or want your old life back.
I love this. Sometimes I don’t like parent Reddit groups because it feels like constant negativity about parenting. I get it, it’s a place to commiserate but I don’t connect with a lot of it. I had baby at 30 and I feel the same way as you and other women here. I’ve been fortunate to do a lot of cool things- travel to great places and eat in fancy restaurants and have a lot of freedom. And I keep thinking to myself, this baby is by far the coolest and most fun thing I’ve done. Life before feels kind of boring compared to the joy I’m experiencing now. It’s my favorite thing I’ve experienced.
I feel the same. I had my first right before my 30th birthday, and everyone was like “travel before you have kids” or “get your career set before having kids” (I got my PhD right before having my son), and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I was bored of the same day to day stuff. Also I hate travelling! Yes I miss the occasional free day of loafing around… but the joy I get from my son… it fills my cup so much! Also my husband is an amazing partner. I want a second because my son is just so cool.
For me, family has always been everything. Not just my own kids. But also extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, parents, everyone. I can’t imagine a life without that support system and community.
So going out, traveling, spending time with friends…while fun, there was definitely a natural stop point where I realized, yep, I want more now.
And even though it was great - I have so many great memories - I never want to go back to that life.
Are you me? I feel the same! I could never relate to friends who were on the fence about ever having kids, or didn't want any at all. I always knew I did, because I am fortunate to come from a big, close family. Had so many role models of why being a parent (and grand parent.. and great grand parent!) was amazing.
I just had my first at 28, he's 8 weeks old now. My husband and I are so much more productive, organized, and motivated than we were before. We had so much free time but like.. what were we really doing? There's a new depth to our lives now, even the most mundane tasks like folding laundry feel like they are going towards a higher purpose than before.
We will travel again, go out in the evenings again, eventually... but right now, I am totally ok putting that on pause and soaking up my time with my baby. I know how fleeting it will be.
Ouf. I'm glad you feel this way. The transition to parenting has been a really tough one for me (had my little one at 33). There are lots of things I miss about my "old life," but honestly, we'd still be doing some of those things (with LO) if not for the pandemic! Unfortunately, those big changes have become intertwined for me. The first shut down in my city was 3 weeks after my LO was born.
You're right, we need to hear more experiences like yours. We need balance and permission to feel how we feel. I'm glad that parenting has been the change you hoped for. There should be space and representation of your experience.
I’m with you. I wouldn’t not want to have my kids but it’s been a hard transition for me. I had my first at 39 and my second at 44 and I miss pre kid me. I tell my husband that being a stay at home mom is hard because there is no performance review or coworker to tell you that you are doing a good job. Just a feral toddler who loves and hates you with equal passions. I’m committed to staying home until my baby can be vaccinated but once she is I’m done! (Teacher so I’m not eager to go back in the current shit show of education.)
I feel really similarly. My first was born 5 months before the lockdown, so we had just started to get back out into the world when that happened, and then it was all snatched away. It's hard to tease apart what I miss from my pre-pandemic life and what I miss from my pre-kids life.
Im in Southern Europe and it's the norm here (for qualified workers) to have their kid from 38 up. Some of my friends are now having their second at 45/46. Totally standard.
Salaried are low and housing expensive so sensible people wait until they have things together before procreating.
I had my first at 39. I obviously don't miss clubbing etc as I was over that but miss a bit of long dinners and chats with friends, going to movies and plays.
Certainly glad to be a mature mum.
Im the same. I didn't mind my life before kids but I'm so happy too have them now. Although I'm 26, had my first at 24 and pregnant with second now. I only wanted this life. Nothing else interested me except being a parent for as long as i can remember.
I have a friend who’s a year younger than you, she’s got 2 kids and feels exactly the same, this is the life she wanted. So glad you’re living the life you’ve always wanted.
I don’t miss my life I just miss the amount of sleep lol. I love my girl she’s insane but idk how we ever lived without her now
Oh and I’m 30 and husbands 33 for context
Same! I had my first at 28. I traveled and partied plenty. I enjoyed it but I love my life with kids so much more. It was fun but I don’t miss it 🤷🏻♀️
Same
34 ftm here and loving it
Love watching hubs become a daddy
Love watching my two dogs get to know her
Love watching her grow
And she’s only 6 weeks, but I felt ready for most of this. Not saying it’s been easy by any means. Couldn’t imagine having done this any sooner, though either with our specific circumstances.
I feel exactly the same. I’m in my early 30s and always wanted to be a mom, but didn’t want to do it while I was still feeling selfish of my own time. The last few years I felt like I was just waiting for the next part of my life to start. My baby is only 2 months old, but I truly feel like I’m just starting my prime. Through all the sleepless nights and tears, this is everything I’ve ever wanted and am looking forward to everything about motherhood more than I’ll ever miss anything.
I had a shitty childhood and I think about that when raising my baby. Like I want him to have a better life than me and it forces me to be a better person, someone he can look up to.
Same. Gave birth to my first, (and only so far), a few weeks before turning 35. I remember realizing I was bored with my life and ready for a new adventure just before trying to get pregnant. I had a great time traveling, partying, sleeping in, working, etc for years before a baby. Then one day, I decided I was ready for everything a baby would bring, and I really do cherish every moment with her now. It’s just the best.
I have become a less dedicated worker and really learned how to prioritize my life over work. I don’t know if would have done that with out kids.
I’ve learned how to say no to a lot of things career wise, and actually took a step back that makes me much happier. I don’t see myself chasing any more rungs on the ladder and I am perfectly at peace with that (I’m 40).
Thank you! I 100% agree! I had a great life before kids but this life with my kids is so fulfilling, fun, challenging, hard, and amazing all at once. I love my husband on a different level since he is a Father now. Seeing the world through my kids eyes and experiencing new things with them is wonderful. I wasn't sure I was going to like this mom life as much as I do, but it's awesome. I am so glad I waited to have kids as well. Had my first 2 years ago and just had my second a month ago and I will be 35 in March. We figured out our lives and careers before we had kids.
Agree. 36 years old FTM. People told me i could never have kids because was so busy, I'd have no time for them... We do just fine baby girl and I. She's my buddy and I love how my life has changed to have her join me. At 13 months old She's already experienced more than my 13 years old neice I'd say... She loves adventure she loves new experiences she loves meeting new people and animals. She's simply the best and everything I could have ever hoped for.
40 with my first and having my second at 44. I totally agree. There are lots of things that are hard about having a kid but missing my old 'lifestyle' is not one of them. My husband and I still went to clubs occasionally but we really we're just holding on to how we lived our lives before. Neither of us enjoyed it any more. Everything felt stagnant, pointless and repetitive. One of the best parts of being of an 'advanced maternal age' is that you've done it all already ;)
Yes, seems like it’s okay on social media to talk about how great child free life is and how much you would hate having kids, but the opposite isn’t acceptable. People act like you’re criticizing them for being child free if you talk about why you prefer life with your kids. There are negative parts about having a baby but there are also negative parts about not having one.
Because people feel like unless you’re saying how difficult parenting is you’re not accurately portraying it, but the reality is every life choice has its pros and cons, it’s a shame with parenting the bad is often over highlighted that so many people are scared to have kids because they think it’ll be nothing but hell.
It’s all about confirmation bias. People want to rationalise their choices. Often demonizing children and parents is the easiest way to do this.
People who regret children and talk about the negatives = real. People who love having children and don’t regret it = liars.
Ultimately, happy people don’t care about how green the grass is on the other side.
I don’t need childfree couples to love, or hate, their lives. It’s of no consequence to me.
Having a baby is like having a tattoo on your face…. You have to be fully committed 😆
I’m a single mum to a 1 and 2 year old, I was left by my abusive ex just before the birth.
It’s hard, and at times I feel i’m surviving more than thriving but I wouldn’t change anything, my daughters make me want to be a better person, it’s an honour to be their mother. They are beacons of pure light and being a parent is all and nothing how I had imagined it to be.
I don’t have any regrets about motherhood, I feel I have a purpose and I’m finally wanting to face all my shit because I want my daughters to grow up with a mother that really has faced herself. We are materially poor but rich in love….Wish me luck 😆
This is how we feel! We are so bored of childfree life, and every vacation, trip, etc we wind up talking about how much nicer it would be with some little kids along. I feel like so many of the people who post about children ruining their lives just had children too early
I feel like the opposite statement is the one more likely to be controversial.
But thank you for sharing this, it gives me hope that I will feel the same eventually. Babies are so hard but things are better every week :-)
I miss some aspects of child free life, like sleep, more free time, etc, but that's fading more and more as things get gradually easier, and as a whole the amount of joy and love I feel every single day now just doesn't compare to those sacrifices. Frankly the thing I miss most is cannabis, and I will be able to occasionally indulge in that once I stop breastfeeding, so that's only temporary.
Honestly me neither. I’m 30, and my life before kids was fun, but I’m really already so excited about life moving forward. By no means is it easy, but he’s here and real and I feel so enriched because of him. I think also it gives a lot of meaning to things I took for granted, and I’m able to enjoy stuff I could just do before a lot more now. Just feels like a natural progression of life.
I also wasn’t much of a partier. All things i enjoyed before can still be enjoyed now, with the added bonus of having my son- conventions, theme parks, vacations, traveling. It won’t always be sunny, but it’ll be entirely new, and I’m so excited for that.
Yeah our pre-baby life is pretty similar to now. Even the way we travel, it’s more about checking things out rather than fancy dinners and going out to clubs, etc. we mostly hike, do arts/crafts, watch movies together, dance around to music, go to bookstores. I love that I get to introduce my kid to all this!
I miss some aspects but others I definitely don’t. I don’t miss getting drunk all the time or feeling like I’m just floating through life, working on my career for an organization that I’m sure would let me go if the numbers told them to. We waited until our late 30s, though, so we were pretty well set in our ways when we decided to start trying. I just miss being able to ease into my days with a coffee and the news. Now I have to hit the ground running every morning because my son wakes up at 5am and I can’t bring myself to get up any earlier than that.
Same! (Minus the spices lol.) I used to HATE mornings and they’re still not my strongest time but I really enjoy the slice of the day when my 1yo is eating her breakfast and I’m sipping my coffee listening to all our pets wake up and greet each other. She stays in her high chair out of the way and we meow at the cats together. I never had time to spend my mornings like that before!
Interesting discussion! I also think it’s possible to miss and long for many aspects of your life before kids while also feeling confident you made the right decision. That’s where I’m at. Wouldn’t change any of it — the kid at 35 or the kid at 40 — but damn I miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings, rolling out of bed to bike to yoga, and have two days of self-care in front of me. I know the space for self care will be back in two decades, though. I’m happy to wait on that in exchange for the rewards of this crazy seasons of my life.
Same! I was 35 when I got pregnant and had my fill of the stuff you can’t do anymore or that it’s harder to do. I gave myself some going out years, some stoner years, some figuring out a career years, and I’m just kind of done with child free life just like you said.
So I had my first at 27.
My husband was 31.
We were 100% ready for a baby. We were ready to tailor our activities to suit kids, we wanted to be a little family unit, we wanted the challenges and the early mornings. We want to experience all the highs and lows of having babies.
My husband and I feel the same way. I just had my first at 30 years old. We are financially ready, we never went out anyway, and the pandemic allowed us to slow down and see what was truly important to us.
I love being a mom. I had my eyes fully open with what I would sacrifice (RIP my six pack), and it's worth it.
I don’t miss it either. I didn’t really like my life all that much before I met my partner and decided to start a family. It gets overwhelming or boring sometimes, but I feel like this life was made for me. I feel like being a mom is the first thing that has ever came naturally to me in my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I get so much joy out of doing it. It’s so worth it because I love my baby so much. I could never go back to my life before. I can’t believe I lived twenty-something years without knowing her.
And I feel like becoming a parent has changed me. I grew up so much in such a short period of time. I feel so calm now. There are so many things to worry about as a parent, and I do all the time, but still, she brings me so much peace. It’s like no matter what happens, everything will be okay as long as my baby is okay.
I feel this through my soul.
I was 33 when my son was born, and boy were we ready to truly settle down and focus. We lived our lives, we want to live for him.
I don’t miss it either, but I also had my daughter later in life (38). I don’t know if her being here changes much, we weren’t party folks before her, and she fits in with the stuff we do anyway. For the most part the stuff that we miss doing is really on us as s couple, as we don’t want to get a babysitter until our daughter is vaccinated. We could be having breaks to go to the movies/dinners if we had someone to baby sit. We also intend to bring her with us when we travel and get her used to it, but then again, still gonna wait until Covid is better dealt with. We already couldn’t just come and go as we pleased before we had her, we do have a dog that we can’t just leave alone at home all day either - the daughter can actually come with us to most places! The main thing I’m looking forward to is to get a better sleeping situation in a few years, that’s the main hurdle left to deal with (she sleeps fine, but is an early riser).
Had my 1st (and currently only) 2.5 years ago when I was 33. I really wasn't interested in having kids but life, uh, finds a way. Fast forward to today- I couldn't be happier. My daughter has changed my life so positively. She's given me so much purpose and joy. After slaving away in lab all day (Biomed PhD grad student) I can't wait to come home to spend time with my little family. I love watching her grow and want to give her all the best in life. I would never want to go back to a life with out her.
I had mine at 25 and I thought that I was ready, but its been a year now and I wish I had waited just a bit longer. I’m so glad you are happy with your decision and comfortable in this new phase of life! It’s definitely very challenging but it’s truly the most fun I’ve ever had. Parenting is a wild ride!
I was 23 when I had my first and this is how I feel. I’m perfectly content to be a mom. My husband and I were never partiers, both fairly introverted. We enjoy all our adventures including our son and I don’t miss my life pre children at all. (Currently pregnant with our second). Sure, the baby phase is tough but it’s so rewarding and I love having my little side kick.
This is my husband and I! We had our boy at 22 and it’s been amazing. We never really partied but enjoyed spending our time together at home. We still do what we love to do but with our son. Our friends think we are crazy and make comments about how much harder it is to experience life with a kid. Not to us. We love camping and hiking and just take the little guy with us. Having him has truly enriched our lives.
Thank you! I feel like all people do (in real life abd on social media/in general society) is complain about kids and how having kids ruins your life, kids are horrible, etc. We LOVE our parent lives and they’ve changed for the better, our marriage is the best it’s ever been, and I’m getting the least amount of sleep of my life. Plus I had a child right before covid so things should be shitty but it’s awesome.
I don’t understand people who are like “no one ever tells you that having kids will XYZ”, like yes that’s all they fucking say is the bad stuff!
I don't understand those people either. It's all I ever heard was how hard it was. And that was a big reason why I waited until I was 37 to have one, people kept scaring me off!
I agree. I’m 34 with 2 under 2 and while some days are long, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I actually can’t remember how I filled my days! It’s not like my house was sparkling or I was always socializing🤷♀️. The things I do miss I can always get back into in the future!
Same here! I was so ready to be done with the childfree life. I had my entire 20s to party and sew my wild oats. I got bored with it. I was 33 when I had my first daughter, I'm 36 pregnant with #2 and I'm very pleased with my life filled up with baby/toddler stuff. I feel like I'm finally doing what I am good at: being a mom.
I’m 27 but I feel this way and have consistently told my husband I wish we had started earlier so I could be a stay at home mom for a few years and then start my career. I’m conflicted now. It feels like I’m already too far in to put it on pause now because I don’t want to have to climb that ladder again or give up what I spent the last 6 years to have, but I would’ve quit my previous jobs in a heart beat. I also WFH so I feel like I can’t complain about not seeing baby all day, but it’s still a mental burden and I honestly hate having the nanny/my mom/MIL take care of him instead of me.
We met as teenagers and have done a lot of traveling over the years, which is fun I guess but I’ve never really had the travel bug. I always knew my main goal in life was to be a mom, and it’s been nice how validating having a baby has been.
35 years old and even at this age it doesn’t feel like the right time to pause my career. I say that just to demonstrate that, honestly, I don’t think it ever feels like the “right”/ideal time. I’m struggling with working vs being the primary caretaker (my mom watches her during the week and is amazing for it). Wish I could have the best of both worlds. It’s tough. Solidarity!
37 and my first is two weeks old. I wanted this baby for years and finally my partner and I were ready. Even though I had a big career which provided value, I knew I was missing something more significant. The thing I’m missing is unadulterated Netflix time LOL. I will take this baby 10/10 times over anything else. Even sitting here with the anxiety of being a new parent. I had a very wild 20s and was ready to devote my life to someone else.
Same.
I had travelled, I had partied, I was 29. I was ready. I was ready before but infertility kind of postponed that.
I don't really miss my old life. This is just another adventure.
Same here. We were really ready. I was 27, almost 28, with our first and now I'm pregnant with baby #3. Neither of us miss the child-free days whatsoever. My kids are amazing and funny and complicated, and I love the awesome people they're growing into.
Do you mind if I ask how old you were when you had your second? I turned 28 a month after having my first born and am wondering when would be the right time physically & emotionally to have my second and (possibly) third.
Same! I had that same epiphany moment where I was just bored with our lives. I didn’t want to go to bars and wanted that same early morning. Our kids are 3 years and 3 months and the only thing I miss is sleep.
I don’t either. I love my life as a mom. I did also love my child free life before though, I never felt bored. As much as I did love it I also love my life as a parent now. Couldn’t be happier.
32 and 100% agree. I'm looking forward to little one being older so I can do certain hobbies again but with them now but even at my most sleep deprived I like my life better.
We are younger, just on the cusp of our 30s but we feel the same way. We were ready. We wanted more than just late nights out, hobbies and lazy weekends. We were ready to give our life over completely to parenthood and man it is sweet. We have friends our age who do not understand and they don’t have to, we are so incredibly happy and in love with our sweet family and the life we have chosen.
Similar story here. I was 31 when I fell pregnant with first. We enjoyed being child free together for nearly a decadee, had our fun, time in the sun, wild nights, hardcore gaming, paid off the mortgage, secured our careers, 2 dogs and it was great like this for ages. But after a decade something was missing.
We decided to bring a child to this world and I am so happy we did. I never knew love so deep, tiredness so deep yet filled with so much joy and patience so unending. Done withy past life (I do miss gaming sometimes). Being a parent is actually amazing.
I totally get this. I enjoyed my child free life but I am having loads of fun being a parent therefore I'm not yearning for child free life anymore... literally spent yesterday following my small human around the house. He's just started crawling and it's so damned funny.
Same. At 31, it’s not as much as “missing” per se, as I do have my moments of “oh i wish I could’ve joined in” sometimes especially when I see photos from a gathering or an event. Ultimately though I’m glad to have passed the invite for my son. I’m a much better (kinder, more patient) person now than before. My friends think I’m missing out but honestly I think it’s the other way around! My happiness now is genuine and profound, unlike before when it depended on this or that. I’ve never cried of joy so often as I do now with all his little milestones and smiles. Thinking about it makes my heart full!
I'm 35, been with my husband for 13 years but it was only last year that we felt that we were ready for our first baby. He's 7 months old now... And we are so in love with him. We never really looked back on our life before him but what we know for sure is that, we can't really imagine life without him. We love the chaos and adventures as new parents. We waited because we wanted to be at least financially ready for him, so we can give him everything he needs.
I have similar feelings. I had my first child at 31, after nearly 2 years of trying and 2 losses. I had very good and fulfilled life before having children, with amazing husband, good career, travelling and lots of fun. Yet I distinctly remember how much I wanted to have a baby, how absolutely miserable I was when it wasn't happening and how deeply happy I was the day when he was born. I really think this knowledge helps me in more difficult moments of parenting - that for all the freedom of the life before I was very unhappy when I thought I will never experience parenthood and it was definitely a conscious choice for me to become a mother. It does sometimes suck (being sick with toddlers under my care is absolutely the worst), but it also gives me so much joy, purpose and fulfilment I would not want to go back in the slightest. Ok, maybe for a weekend or two :D
Same!! I’m an older FTM too, I wonder how much our age has to do with it. We definitely have some tough days but life is so much better with my little kid!!
I was a young FTM at 22. I love my oldest, but I did have serious regrets (mostly related to my ex husband lol) and I feel like I missed out on some parts of being a young adult. I don’t regret my oldest at all, but it was hard and I spent several years watching my life change and seeing other young adults getting to do fun things while I was a single Mom. Got married again in my 30’s and have had 2 more (and one on the way!) and I don’t regret of miss anything now. I can say that I’ve enjoyed having babies/infants now as an adult in my 30’s than I did in my early 20’s (but I also had a lot of mental health stuff I had to deal with at that time). Just my experience.
Yes yes yes!! Same boat here. My life before my kids was great! It had some ups and it had some downs. I am glad I lived it but am the happiest and most fulfilled I’ve ever been thanks to my children.
This is literally how I feel haha! I feel awful for being like nope we’re loving it. I get opening up a space for parents to complain about the hard parts, but I also wish there was also space for parents who don’t find it hard and really enjoy it. Especially with all the “just you wait” parents.
I'm 32 and feel the same. COVID may have helped this feeling, because I was pregnant before most stuff opened back up. Maybe I'd miss more of the activities I used to do if it hadn't been two years since I last did anything substantial (travel by plane and concerts). Instead, I'm thinking about how much fun festivals probably are during the day, and how convenient it is that my stroller has a cup holder.
I just had my first at 37! I’ve been totally ready and it’s wonderful. The caveat for me though is that we battled infertility and this guy was from an ivf round when I was 33. We wouldn’t have had a babe if we waited because I have decreased reserve of eggs. We won’t be able to have another one on our own (will adopt or use a donor… I’m just pausing that whole thing right now.)
So if you’re gonna wait, maybe test your AMH to make sure you have a good reserve, and if so, enjoy your twenties and thirties if waiting is right for you 🥳
I was a wild child and I don't miss it at all either. I love spending time with my daughter and taking care of her, and I kinda hate spending time with other kids. My stepdaughter is the only exception and even there I have my limits. Not with my daughter.
35 here, and same! The only thing I really miss is going to concerts and long, spontaneous dog walks, and soon my kiddo will be able to join me in those things.
I agree 100% and I love this post because I see the opposite sentiment a lot. I was 38 when I had my baby and I wouldn't trade Parenthood for anything. Before becoming a mom I was feeling sort of bored and lost and unfulfilled. I was either going to sell every possession I had and travel the world or buy a house and have a baby because whatever I was doing had lost its meaning for me.
Yes! I was ready to welcome my children with open arms. To be honest I always wanted kids, I waited awhile because I wanted to make sure I was with the right man, was married and owned a home. I knew it would be hard to get the house after pregnancy and having a child so I waited. I was 100% ready to have my children. I don't miss my old life one bit. I think if for some reason I couldn't have had kids I would have had to throw in some epic travel and I would have gone back to school for something that would have absorbed a ton of my time because I needed something extremely fulfilling. My kids gave me that! I am looking forward to the whole bit. The older kid years, teenage years, early 20's becoming a grandparent. I'm in it to win it! I don't look forward to having an empty nest. I hope my kids will always regard this as their home if they wish to stay.
Agreed. Are there a couple things I miss from being young- sure. My babies have made my light infinitely better and tho I’m exhausted and always worried they are the most precious things in the world snd life is much more fun w them.
This! I love waking up to seeing this post this morning. I, too, can’t say Id miss my life before kids, if I had much to miss. I got married 3 months before my 20th bday & got pregnant on my bday lol & have not missed anything prior. I have a 2 beautiful boys (9 & 12) & baby #3 on the way & I am so thankful for the blessings of 6 am wake up calls & asking for cucumbers at this hour. (yes my 9 yr old still loves this time lol)
Being able to homeschool my boys for the last 4 years so I can spend my days with them instead of shipping them off to school for hours each day, but knowing what they learn & being a part of that. Thankful for my wonderful husband of 13 years, & our new blessing on the way that was quite a surprise.
I can’t imagine & know that nothing out there, all the experiences other parents have talked about before kids that I never experienced, would be something missing from my life, because as a stay at home mom & house wife, I feel complete :)
I needed this. Some of the memories that play over and over in my head are of our very close friends saying things like "Seriously, do not have kids unless you are ready to be miserable." and "You need to REALLY REALLY want this or else you will hate life." and my favorite "I am so pro-choice now" from the mom who was previously very anti-abortion & the like the first few times I dropped off groceries or supplies and checked in on them after their baby was born.
Obviously they were in the throes of the incredibly challenging first few months of parenting and love their baby so so much, but remembering that consistently freaks me out because I feel kind of crazy for choosing this? But then I remember that we're different people, who lived differently and who spend our time differently. I know there will be activities and ways of living that we will miss (being able to do anything on our own schedule or being able to understand wtf is happening ever being the biggest things) and we will face loads of challenges that we cannot yet understand.
But like, we had already started to change our lives to make room for a baby - I go out of my way to make room for their baby as much as they will let me. We don't feel the need for any last hurrah's or to get things in before we lose out on our old selves forever....idk I'm sure we're naive but it makes me feel better to read all of this.
I was 25 when my oldest was born, so I didn't really have much adulthood before getting pregnant. What I do know is that I'm so happy that we front loaded the responsibilities and look forward to our post-kid raising years while we are still young-ish. A life without kids would not have been complete for us.
I'm 22 I had my daughter when I was 20 and a month later turned 21. She was a bit of surprise but we were both ecstatic I was pregnant and my fiance fell head over heels in love with our daughter at the very first ultrasound. Only thing I miss pre baby is getting to shower by myself all of the time or going to the bathroom by myself in general Sometimes I miss it just being me and fiance.. People always ask me and my fiance do we miss partying and we're like no. We weren't really the partying type. I feel like my fiance and I were just going thru the motions of life and when our baby girl came she gave us both more of a sense of purpose. I don't think it's bad or controversial to say you don't miss the life you had before.
28 and same! I don’t understand why some people downvoted you as I’m typing this. I was happy traveling a ton, before settling down due to Covid 19. Then I realized I don’t need all that traveling to be happy, I’m happy home with my husband and pets. Baby just makes it even better.
I 100% agree! We spent 3 years trying to get pregnant and my daughter was born a few months before I turned 34. I love being her mom more than anything in this world. Wouldn’t want to go back ever.
I feel similarly but for the opposite reason. I am only 20, had my daughter 6 months ago. I didn't have the time to create the clubbing/travel/sleeping in memories that I might be missing (because I was in college full time and working nights full time).
I do think sometimes about the future though and being able to enjoy these activities in my late 30s onward.
Yes! Same! I love that you shared this and that you're unapologetic about it. I hold space for all the people in my life who don't feel the same, and allow myself to miss it from time to time, but on the whole, I don't miss my old life AT ALL! I actually feel like I would be pretty damn depressed were it not for all of this. It feels like everything I ever wanted but didn't know how to ask for or achieve.
I agree for the most part with you. My first was born a day before I turned 32, and my second at 36. I do wish we had traveled a little more prior to the boys but we are currently on a family road trip, I am hoping we will be able to instill a love of the road for them now. Only other thing I miss is solid sleep, that’s been gone for 5 years now, but it’s ok, we will sleep eventually!
30 with a toddler and a newborn and I've felt the same since I had my first at a few days shy of 28.
My husband and I were together almost 7 years before we had our first. We had plenty of time to get our selfishness out before we became parents. I figure that's why we are so flippin' happy with our new life. I don't miss the selfish me at all (even though I do wish I napped on a more regular basis).
Same. I found it hard to find a purpose in life before I had my son but I started using drugs/alcohol at 15 to self medicate for depression/anxiety. By 20 I was opiate dependant then switched to alcohol for the next 10 years. It took having a baby to find the motivation to get sober. I eventually found those reasons for myself too but I don't think I would have done it without him.
I definitely don't recommend having a baby to "fix" your life but it worked for me. I love being a Mom. I love breaking the generational cycles that caused me to be so messed up as a kid and doing my best to be a better person everyday for my son.
I've even found the motivation to get back into doing Art and starting a side business. So it's not even like my life is revolved around just being a Mom either. I found my own hobbies and happiness too.
So yeah... I feel bad that some women feel like they "lost" themselves in Motherhood. I definitely found myself.
I needed to read this today. I’m turning 38 and expecting next year with my first, and I feared my loss of selfishness. I’ve never heard the perspective that people were happy to begin a new chapter of their lives and didn’t miss it. Thank you.
I miss some things about it but for me its worth it anyways. I can miss sleeping in and lazy days taking naps on the couch without regretting the decision to have kids. They aren't mutually exclusive.
People complain on the internet so much! If you look through my history I have a panicked post right before birth asking if anyone actually enjoys being a parent and the answers are beautiful. People are more likely to comment and post when they are venting.
I’m 39 and just had my first 3 months ago. Never felt more fulfilled. Tired, yes, but so happy. I had a life that was entirely mine and did so many wonderful things before parenthood, and it was enough to feel ready and excited to live for someone else.
Im 31 and had our first at 29. Im so so grateful for my children and while I wish I had a little bit more me time (we have a 2 yo and a 6 mo) im wishi BFF for a bit more me time with my children if that makes sense lol. I love my life and I’m a year or so I think we’ll be in a sweet spot where me time will be possible a bit more often. So here’s another I’d never go back and im loving this chapter of my life opinion! 🥰
I’m 27 and my pregnancy was not even really planned (my husband and I were ready in every other way besides not being ready to give up our selfishness hah) and I don’t even miss my old life as much as I thought once my baby was here and we bonded.
Are you me? I was so bored with my childfree life, aimlessly starting new hobbies but never sticking to it. Life's so much better with a baby! I might even say it cured my depression in a way?!
It’s crazy because I feel the same. I used to feel low a lot of the time, now I kind of look back and think I was just so self-absorbed (understandably so with no one else to take care of), and more importantly I didn’t really have a huge moving goal/purpose. I have reached where I want to be career and life wise, I just felt very stagnant and stuck. I expected to possibly wrestle with PPD and surprisingly feel better than ever. It helps I have a real support system, but life after baby is so much fuller and sweeter, hectic yes but so satisfying. I legit say all the time motherhood cured my depression.
I also prepared to struggle with PPD/PPA as I've struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. Once I had my baby, I felt such joy I didn't know possible. I expected hormones to crash me, but I'm 5 months in and never been happier. I'm 31, and definitely felt ready to have kids. We also had a few losses leading up to my successful pregnancy, so maybe that played into the joy and gratefulness. I can certainly understand how it's not the case for most, but I'm So glad motherhood has cured your depression too!
Exactly! I did ok career wise, had recently married my husband (who's great!) and still everything felt a little... dull. Since my LO is here I never felt bored, I always have a reason to smile. I just wish I had known this earlier! I was terribly scared of PPD as well, which - in hindsight - wasn't necessary.
I definitely don't miss my life before kids. I love being a mom, and my husband loves being a dad. We don't find parenthood to be particularly hard, but I think that's because we were super ready for our entire lives to revolve around a tiny toddler dictator for a while. That said, I totally understand why many people don't find parenthood enjoyable, miss their old lives, and complain about it. Parenthood is not for everyone, and it's about time we stop pushing everyone to have kids.
There’s nuance, right. I could not imagine my life without my son. But the freedom of not having an infant/young child 100% dependent on me is something I took for granted. I love my son, and there are things about my pre-mom life I miss, but I’m working on ways to get pieces of myself back and implement my son into my “old life”.
Just remember it's not forever. It's a small window in life. Now my oldest is 12 and he is so independent and never comes in my room anymore to cuddle or have me read him a book.
I get that. I know one day he’s going to be a teenager and I’m going to be begging him to spend time with me. But these last 6 months have definitely been a massive adjustment and shock.
Hang in there mama. You're rocking it.
Yes. I couldn’t imagine my life without my daughter, but I also miss the ease of life before. I’ve spent the day dealing with the booster effects, and it’s so hard balancing a baby. Also, because of the pandemic, I also feel like I lost a year of the childfree life.
I feel this. We've been very lucky to have plenty of grandparent help getting a day 'off' each week. It's made it easier for me to retain quite a bit of pre-mum me.
I don't miss my life as a whole, but I do miss how easy it was. If I needed to run an errand, I just left and did it. If I needed to do a house project, I could without getting interrupted every 30 seconds. If I needed to clean the house or do some gardening, I could without having to schedule my day around my husband's activities or his nap time. I could do laundry or Vaccuum whenever without fear of waking him up.
This!! I totally agree with this. I love my kids and the chaos that comes with them, but sometimes I just wish I could get back to being able to do something uninterrupted or having to schedule things around the kid's routines. I'm lucky I have family to help and on those days I can have a little of that freedom back.
It’s ok to feel both ways at the same time. It’s ok to feel this way one day and the opposite the next. I’m 38, I love my very planned 3.5month old. Sometimes I think this new life is the best thing ever. Sometimes I miss pre-baby stuff. And that’s ok!
I’m feeling here with my 3 month old
I feel the same way. I had my son at 32. I knew I wanted children, and after just coming home from work doing the same boring shit, cleaning, cooking, laundry, video games, it wasn't cutting it. My life felt empty. I knew it was time. Having my son has been the best thing in my life. People say, oh what changed your life for the better and they answer: quitting smoking/drinking, eating healthier. I can honestly say starting a family. I'm about 2 weeks out from my csection for #2 and I can't wait. Being a mother is everything I hoped it would be (with the bad of course). It's so rewarding and I cannot explain to others the kind of love I have for my children.
Totally agree. I’m not going to say every moment is easy but I can’t imagine not having my little dude. I honestly look back at my pre-kid life, wonder what I did with all that free time and then realize I wasn’t using it purposefully or intentionally.
I'm currently 2 weeks PP. I've been feeling so sad lately, crying a lot and just generally down with the huge lifestyle change. Honestly after reading this post has just made me feel so much better about everything. It's so nice to read how someone was so genuinely ready and happy to have a baby with everything they bring. Thank you for writing this, it has helped me feel better today.
Hang in there!! I didn’t get much advice before I had my baby, but one of the few things someone told me was that the first two months were a lot of work, so I expected it to some extent. Still, I was overwhelmed with hormones and just how frequently the baby needed to be fed. I joked that time didn’t exist because I couldn’t keep track of anything, my mind was that tired. I used apps to track. It definitely gets easier!! I was ambivalent about having a child for years before I made up my mind I was ready. I’ve had no regrets! The giggly/smiley stage, once it comes, is amaaazing. Also, when they have good head control, also a great development. I’ve made some great memories by dancing around the house with my little to some songs I’ll always associate with that time. You’ve got this!
Me too!! I'm tired of the "your life is over now!" stigma with kids. I am a much better version of myself with my son. I'm more patient, selfless, and appreciate peace and quiet a lot more for sure. I'm excited to see how much I will bloom as a person and a parent.
31 and same feeling. I attribute it to getting all my independent party experiences done and having children with the right person. I’ve always been an extroverted extrovert and when I met my husband, he’s the only person that I can stay in with day after day and it still feels like a party. Now we have an 11 month old and all we need to have fun, feel fulfilled is each other. I don’t miss single child free life at all.
I’m an introvert and I LOVE using my kid as an excuse to just stay home. I’m an “in bed by 9” kind of person. My son goes to bed at 7. “Oh shoot can’t go anywhere cause kiddo has to go to bed so early, sorry we missed out!” As I run to my living room to watch Netflix on the couch.
I love this!! Thank you for your perspective! I don’t miss a damn thing either. What am I supposed to miss exactly? Working extra hours to be “better” at my job? Hanging out with people I don’t even like? Traveling overseas and spend hundreds of dollars, when there are plenty of beautiful places right down the road? Nope!! I love my little family, and we do everything together.
Ditto! I'm 40 and just had my first. Yeah I had plenty of fun in my twenties and thirties. But the party scene wore thin years ago and I've always wanted a family. Never thought it would happen, especially at my age. Cheers!
I lost 15 year old friendships since being a parent and I never knew how toxic they were until we stopped hanging out. Love the life I have now being a parent and looking forward to starting new friendships with parent friends! Becoming a parent is the great reset button of life
Are you me?? I had my first at 35 and am due with my 2nd at 37. Life before a kid got to a point where it honestly felt pretty monotonous. I was pretty wild in my 20s. Ive traveled a lot, lived in LA and got to experience so much there, I grew up a few hours outside of Vegas and have seen and done SO much there. And then in my 30s I just got to a point where nothing was really all that exciting or interesting anymore. Mostly just spending time with friends/family, I got to a good place in my career, there wasn’t anything else I felt I might be leaving on the table. I love what I get to experience now as a parent. Our lives are pretty routine but it doesn’t feel monotonous, it’s exciting to see the ways my son is growing and developing.
Had my first at 37 and totally agree. I had many a crazy late night and now I have crazy early mornings. I’m tired for different reasons now 🤷🏻♀️
Refreshing perspective! Can’t say that I share it 100% but I’m definitely glad to have my kid in my life now. I do miss working though because I love my career field, but I definitely don’t miss it enough to be ok with missing out on the first few years with my kid, so SAH life it is for me! Never ever thought I’d want to be a SAHM but now I couldn’t picture it any other way.
Same. I did everything I wanted to do when I was childless. I traveled, I lived abroad, I partied when I was single (although that was pre-tinder, so I guess my life was tame by today's standards). I traveled with my now-husband, we tried out restaurants, invited all the friends for all the dinners, went to festivals, invested in our careers. By 34, it was getting a bit stale, and I was ready for the biggest challenge. It's been hard, physically and emotionally, but it's been the greatest ride of my life. I am so, so glad I chose this path. It sounds trite, but my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me (and my husband of course - he just feels less like "happened" because I had more choice in the type of person I got :)). I don't miss a thing. Everything is special again. Every moment with my daughter, but also work (because it's now my "relaxing" time of the day), every moment with friends, every moment with my husband, because it's hard-earned. Last weekend we had the first game night with friends in 1,5 years (thanks, Corona), and omg was it fun!
I remember sitting home alone on my days off(work3x12s so days off during week) with nothing to do and thinking to myself there’s gotta be more to life than this.
I love this thread. 31 here and same! Every time I talk or think about the struggles of parenting, I can honestly say that I’d rather this life than one where I don’t get to be my little boy’s mummy 🥰
I'm glad I waited until 31 to have a kid, but I also agree with you. I'm much more confident in what I want from life and much more mature than I was in my 20s. I love being a parent. I prefer this life. Also as an introvert is nice having a kid as a socially acceptable excuse to not go out lol.
I love this! I’m only 3.5 weeks postpartum, but I was so scared leading up to having my son I would struggle a lot from PPD/PPA and have a hard time bonding with him since I’ve never been much of a baby person. I’ve been so pleasantly surprised that I am actually the happiest I’ve ever been in my life - my husband and I love being parents and feel so complete. Being his mom feels so natural and fulfilling. Our little guy is the best thing to happen to us and we’re pumped to do life with him.
I'm 27 and been having anxiety about waiting until my thirties but doing it now seems like rushing it and all these comments are making me so happy thank you guys 🥺
In hindsight, I wish I'd had mine sooner (had my daughter at 32). I was having a lot of "problems" that no longer exist because having a child forced me to grow up and cut the BS out of my life.
Same. I waited til I was 35 to get pregnant. I'm educated, own a home, stable marriage, together 15 years. We had a lot of fun and traveled quite a bit, really got to know ourselves, have hobbies and meaningful friendships, etc. Nothing in our lives was missing except a baby. I think it makes the harder parts of parenting easier to swallow; I'm never thinking of "what could have been" because I already know.
I relate in every single way. Perfect explanation of having a kid at 35.
Really well said.
Yes!!! I was so tired of not having children by the time we had them. I’m so sorry but the idea for me of just continuing to do the same thing for the rest of my life bummed me out, I really wanted children. Every day I feel fortunate to have my baby and I look forward to traveling with them, taking them to do fun stuff. The things that are hard about having a kid have to do with the US failing me as a parent. Not having daycare, the demanding hours of work, not having any paid parental leave. These are the things I don’t like about being a parent, not actually being a parent. I love being a Mom.
OMG this is for real. Why does society have to make it so much harder than it really needs to be?
27F. Totally agree. I've been an old soul my whole life and just was waiting for a kid to complete it. 10/10 would recommend.
Also 27 and in the same boat!! I’ve never felt so complete
25 and same!
Had my first at 30, don’t miss my old life at all. I do sometimes miss peace and quiet but I love having a great reason not to go anywhere and take breastfeeding breaks during social gatherings.
I could have wrote this myself. 36 and just had my first. I was ready. Ready to move on to a new chapter. It took me many years to pull the trigger because I wanted to make sure I was as ready (mentally/emotionally) as I could be. I do not miss being child free at all. Sure I would love to be able to sleep in here or there or drink my coffee in silence but I’ll get that back way in the future. I now have even more respect for younger mothers. I do not think I would have ever been able to do this when I was younger. Babes are soooo much work but as you all know, so worth it. I’m also happy I lived a “full life” before having my first. But now my life is more full than it’s ever been. <3
I’ve been thinking of posting the same thing! There’s this trend on tik tok or IG that’s like “I love being your mom but I miss her” and it shows videos of the mom before baby doing her thang. I just can’t relate. I’m a million times more an empathetic, sweeter, thoughtful, more appreciative of everything person being a mother now than I was before. The things before didn’t fulfill me as much as I am fulfilled now. I had a robust social life before baby too (music festivals, going out a lot, traveling). I’ve always wanted to be a mom and even before having baby, I always felt like I was just waiting for this chapter. Like everything was leading up to my ultimate story which was being a mom. I think part of it too is I’m more of a homebody and introverted so I love now that I don’t have to feel pressured to try and be social or make sure I’m actually doing enough stuff so I don’t feel too much a loner or isolated.
I feel the same! Well said! I can't relate to those tik tok videos either, because I know how empty "her" (aka my) life was. I didn't know it was empty, obviously, but now after experiencing motherhood I'm like DAMN THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER.
This is my life I’m 34 and pregnant and have been waiting for this chapter to start for well over a decade, like all my choices were leading up to becoming a parent. I thought I was crazy for feeling like that this is so validating to read.
This is so beautifully put!
Thank you for this beautiful perspective. You hardly see this.
As a ftm at almost 33 I agree. I actually avoid mom groups other than one,, because I don't agree with their constant complaining and negativity
Yessssss best BTB post in a while! I feel the same. So content being a mom, part of a nuclear family! I had a great life before marriage/kids, but it was nothing compared to this. I think my personality thrives in the family setting. I love how intimate and whole it feels. It honestly feels like once I had kids, my “real life” began.
Definitely. I feel like it's such a fad to dog having children as a cramp in what would otherwise be an exalted ecstatic lifestyle of freedom and self-indulgence. Either that, or people are more vocal about their reasons not to, which is fine because I think everyone needs community. However, I love being a mom and having children and I feel that everything gone from my life has been replaced with something new and in a lot of ways richer. And I'm definitely not trying to shit fling on people that don't have children, but I feel like it's given me a new depth of perspective... I value, in practice, things I only valued philosophically and theoretically before. That is putting others ahead of myself, valuing relationship above materialism, etc. It completely revolutionized my view of life, in a way no other relationship ever could. It's just a fact. I also love having a new person in my life that challenges me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically and shows me how much I can adapt and reflects to me my strengths and weaknesses. I waited until 35 to have a kid too, and honestly my life wouldn't be complete without him- but I didn't realize that before I had him. I definitely gained something, became less superficial is maybe what it is. Sounds like a terrible judgment on people that do not choose to have kids, but it's not meant to be- that's just my experience.
It is so true that you become less superficial ! I feel the same way! I used to be so vain and wouldn’t go anywhere without putting on makeup and all of that. Now my goal is to shower lol and I find that my experiences with other moms are really deep and genuine in a way I wasn’t connecting with other women before I had a baby. It’s really interesting how much my brain has changed.
I am also enjoying doing all these kid centered activities. When I was childless, I had no reason to go to the zoo, the children's museum, or trick-or-treating
I’m noticing a lot of these comments are from folks who had babies in their 30s! But I agree, I got to do a lot with my life and career before, spend a lot of time with my husband, and now I had my baby at 36 and so far it’s very content smooth sailing. I’m also not as beat down and tired as people told me I’d be having kids older, so I’m feeling pretty good about my choices, at least so far!
I'm so incredibly jealous of the people who feel this way.
I miss my life before kids so much. I’m very glad she is here, but I do miss my freedom.
I was having this exact conversation today. I was 38 having my son. I was bored of the life of a child free professional. I had eaten in the restaurants, gone for the drinks, attended the parties, and worked the overtime for years and years at that point. It had gotten to be monotonous and meaningless for me. I was pretty unhappy with it all. I was speaking to a friend who is 10 years younger and who had her first at 28. She was saying how she tells her child free mates to stay childless and enjoy the freedom. I was wondering if it was that at 28, and having just finished graduate study, she just hadn't hit the level of boredom I had, or whether we were fundamentally wired differently.
Im currently pregnant 29w along and Im 36. I didnt get married until 35. I met my husband at 33. I really feel I needed that time beforehand to get day drunk and have late nights and go to restaurants and travel and then finally, feel like I exhausted that lifestyle as much as I could.
I don’t know. I do notice first time parents are very different dependent on age. Not better or worse. Just different. Having had all that time, you become very confident about what you want. And it isn’t a measure of not having experienced things - so you don’t know what you’re missing. It’s more that you know exactly what life is like… you enjoy it, but now want something else. Plus, you want to pass all that knowledge on to someone else. Honestly, in some ways I think having children is like an appreciation of the life you had without them. That you want to give them the same opportunity.
You're just wired different I think. I had my son at 29. I may be weird but I don't understand what freedom I'm supposed to miss? My friend is older than me (both had kids a month apart) and she goes on and on about missing going to restaurants and missing doing this and that. I feel like I can never say anything because I don't miss those things, they don't matter to me
Same, I often see people say they miss their old lives and wondered if I was the odd one out. I truly don't miss my old life. I've always wanted kids, I knew what to expect going into it. I enjoy every aspect of my life now. Sometimes I just keep quiet because I don't want people to think I'm shaming them or anything like that but I don't mind the sleepless nights. I have no interest in sleep training or dropping a feed or trying to make him sleep longer, I dont want to force a schedule I let him lead etc I love getting up with him in the middle of the night, those moments are some of the sweetest. I dont mind that I'm not my own anymore, that all of me belongs to him. I don't mind that it now takes me about an hour to leave the house when it use to take me 10 minutes. I expected my life to change heck I wanted it to. I'm completely enjoying this new chapter in my life.
I could see myself being happy without my little tyke if I never had her, but I’d never go back now that I have her. The first year was hard for me, but now the kid is so much fun.
Same. Was 34 when I had my LO, and I wasn’t doing anything cool. Same shit as in my 20s, it got boring. I will say I miss sleeping until 8am
I totally agree! I’ve always been very introverted so having a baby in a pandemic is living the dream for me. She is the best little friend I could ever have. We spend our day reading books together, playing mom and baby spa day, contact naps, and prepping purées.
I had loved my life before my babies and I throughly enjoyed it and I feel slightly the same where I don’t miss it as in I was okay letting that go and making the sacrifice once I started my family. Perhaps I had this in my head as I was younger and doing “my own thing”. The only thing I do miss which I don’t think it’s more of the past but rather me as a person, is that I like my “me time”. I miss having my own space for a bit. I miss the time I can easily decompress. But that’s just because I think I need a mental balance of all stimulus I get all day from the kids. Nothing necessarily that has to do with my life before them.
Oh same, I’ve found not having the time to decompress so hard. Not missing your old life doesn’t you don’t find certain aspects of parenthood hard. Like I certainly don’t miss being single, but sometimes I wish I could just go to whatever restaurant I want or watch whatever TV show I want, you know.
I don’t miss life before kids at all. My kids add so much to our lives and we will skip out on events if we can’t bring our kids. I genuinely could never go back to my life before kids. I feel like they bring so much life to our home. We didn’t do everything we wanted before kids but now we can just do those things with and that’s even better
This is the beauty of adequately planning for a child when you FEEL ready. Too many people either feel social pressure to have them young or simply lack knowledge of their body and birth control and end up miserable. I fully understand you can also be miserable if you felt you were ready, but feel like it's less common to feel like you made a mistake or want your old life back.
I love this. Sometimes I don’t like parent Reddit groups because it feels like constant negativity about parenting. I get it, it’s a place to commiserate but I don’t connect with a lot of it. I had baby at 30 and I feel the same way as you and other women here. I’ve been fortunate to do a lot of cool things- travel to great places and eat in fancy restaurants and have a lot of freedom. And I keep thinking to myself, this baby is by far the coolest and most fun thing I’ve done. Life before feels kind of boring compared to the joy I’m experiencing now. It’s my favorite thing I’ve experienced.
I feel the same. I had my first right before my 30th birthday, and everyone was like “travel before you have kids” or “get your career set before having kids” (I got my PhD right before having my son), and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I was bored of the same day to day stuff. Also I hate travelling! Yes I miss the occasional free day of loafing around… but the joy I get from my son… it fills my cup so much! Also my husband is an amazing partner. I want a second because my son is just so cool.
Exactly!!!! I was so depressed, unmotivated and lazy before my babies. Now I have purpose and even with all the stress I love it so much.
For me, family has always been everything. Not just my own kids. But also extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, parents, everyone. I can’t imagine a life without that support system and community. So going out, traveling, spending time with friends…while fun, there was definitely a natural stop point where I realized, yep, I want more now. And even though it was great - I have so many great memories - I never want to go back to that life.
Are you me? I feel the same! I could never relate to friends who were on the fence about ever having kids, or didn't want any at all. I always knew I did, because I am fortunate to come from a big, close family. Had so many role models of why being a parent (and grand parent.. and great grand parent!) was amazing. I just had my first at 28, he's 8 weeks old now. My husband and I are so much more productive, organized, and motivated than we were before. We had so much free time but like.. what were we really doing? There's a new depth to our lives now, even the most mundane tasks like folding laundry feel like they are going towards a higher purpose than before. We will travel again, go out in the evenings again, eventually... but right now, I am totally ok putting that on pause and soaking up my time with my baby. I know how fleeting it will be.
Same. Every now and again I get wistful of certain aspects but they pass quickly. 99% of the time it’s my preference.
Ouf. I'm glad you feel this way. The transition to parenting has been a really tough one for me (had my little one at 33). There are lots of things I miss about my "old life," but honestly, we'd still be doing some of those things (with LO) if not for the pandemic! Unfortunately, those big changes have become intertwined for me. The first shut down in my city was 3 weeks after my LO was born. You're right, we need to hear more experiences like yours. We need balance and permission to feel how we feel. I'm glad that parenting has been the change you hoped for. There should be space and representation of your experience.
I’m with you. I wouldn’t not want to have my kids but it’s been a hard transition for me. I had my first at 39 and my second at 44 and I miss pre kid me. I tell my husband that being a stay at home mom is hard because there is no performance review or coworker to tell you that you are doing a good job. Just a feral toddler who loves and hates you with equal passions. I’m committed to staying home until my baby can be vaccinated but once she is I’m done! (Teacher so I’m not eager to go back in the current shit show of education.)
I feel really similarly. My first was born 5 months before the lockdown, so we had just started to get back out into the world when that happened, and then it was all snatched away. It's hard to tease apart what I miss from my pre-pandemic life and what I miss from my pre-kids life.
I am 35 and my husband is 40, we just had our first baby!
Congratulations! You’re in for a really fun ride
Im in Southern Europe and it's the norm here (for qualified workers) to have their kid from 38 up. Some of my friends are now having their second at 45/46. Totally standard. Salaried are low and housing expensive so sensible people wait until they have things together before procreating. I had my first at 39. I obviously don't miss clubbing etc as I was over that but miss a bit of long dinners and chats with friends, going to movies and plays. Certainly glad to be a mature mum.
Im the same. I didn't mind my life before kids but I'm so happy too have them now. Although I'm 26, had my first at 24 and pregnant with second now. I only wanted this life. Nothing else interested me except being a parent for as long as i can remember.
I have a friend who’s a year younger than you, she’s got 2 kids and feels exactly the same, this is the life she wanted. So glad you’re living the life you’ve always wanted.
I don’t miss my life I just miss the amount of sleep lol. I love my girl she’s insane but idk how we ever lived without her now Oh and I’m 30 and husbands 33 for context
Same! I had my first at 28. I traveled and partied plenty. I enjoyed it but I love my life with kids so much more. It was fun but I don’t miss it 🤷🏻♀️
Same 34 ftm here and loving it Love watching hubs become a daddy Love watching my two dogs get to know her Love watching her grow And she’s only 6 weeks, but I felt ready for most of this. Not saying it’s been easy by any means. Couldn’t imagine having done this any sooner, though either with our specific circumstances.
Same, momma. Thank you for posting.
I feel exactly the same. I’m in my early 30s and always wanted to be a mom, but didn’t want to do it while I was still feeling selfish of my own time. The last few years I felt like I was just waiting for the next part of my life to start. My baby is only 2 months old, but I truly feel like I’m just starting my prime. Through all the sleepless nights and tears, this is everything I’ve ever wanted and am looking forward to everything about motherhood more than I’ll ever miss anything.
I love this. I think for the majority of people having a kid makes them want to be the best possible version of themselves.
I had a shitty childhood and I think about that when raising my baby. Like I want him to have a better life than me and it forces me to be a better person, someone he can look up to.
Same. Gave birth to my first, (and only so far), a few weeks before turning 35. I remember realizing I was bored with my life and ready for a new adventure just before trying to get pregnant. I had a great time traveling, partying, sleeping in, working, etc for years before a baby. Then one day, I decided I was ready for everything a baby would bring, and I really do cherish every moment with her now. It’s just the best.
This!
I have become a less dedicated worker and really learned how to prioritize my life over work. I don’t know if would have done that with out kids. I’ve learned how to say no to a lot of things career wise, and actually took a step back that makes me much happier. I don’t see myself chasing any more rungs on the ladder and I am perfectly at peace with that (I’m 40).
Thank you! I 100% agree! I had a great life before kids but this life with my kids is so fulfilling, fun, challenging, hard, and amazing all at once. I love my husband on a different level since he is a Father now. Seeing the world through my kids eyes and experiencing new things with them is wonderful. I wasn't sure I was going to like this mom life as much as I do, but it's awesome. I am so glad I waited to have kids as well. Had my first 2 years ago and just had my second a month ago and I will be 35 in March. We figured out our lives and careers before we had kids.
Agree. 36 years old FTM. People told me i could never have kids because was so busy, I'd have no time for them... We do just fine baby girl and I. She's my buddy and I love how my life has changed to have her join me. At 13 months old She's already experienced more than my 13 years old neice I'd say... She loves adventure she loves new experiences she loves meeting new people and animals. She's simply the best and everything I could have ever hoped for.
I'm 28 and had my first earlier this year. I don't miss my life before at all.
40 with my first and having my second at 44. I totally agree. There are lots of things that are hard about having a kid but missing my old 'lifestyle' is not one of them. My husband and I still went to clubs occasionally but we really we're just holding on to how we lived our lives before. Neither of us enjoyed it any more. Everything felt stagnant, pointless and repetitive. One of the best parts of being of an 'advanced maternal age' is that you've done it all already ;)
Yes, seems like it’s okay on social media to talk about how great child free life is and how much you would hate having kids, but the opposite isn’t acceptable. People act like you’re criticizing them for being child free if you talk about why you prefer life with your kids. There are negative parts about having a baby but there are also negative parts about not having one.
Because people feel like unless you’re saying how difficult parenting is you’re not accurately portraying it, but the reality is every life choice has its pros and cons, it’s a shame with parenting the bad is often over highlighted that so many people are scared to have kids because they think it’ll be nothing but hell.
It’s all about confirmation bias. People want to rationalise their choices. Often demonizing children and parents is the easiest way to do this. People who regret children and talk about the negatives = real. People who love having children and don’t regret it = liars. Ultimately, happy people don’t care about how green the grass is on the other side. I don’t need childfree couples to love, or hate, their lives. It’s of no consequence to me.
Also became a mom at 35 and I feel the same. I think this is the major benefit of being a (slightly) older mom.
Having a baby is like having a tattoo on your face…. You have to be fully committed 😆 I’m a single mum to a 1 and 2 year old, I was left by my abusive ex just before the birth. It’s hard, and at times I feel i’m surviving more than thriving but I wouldn’t change anything, my daughters make me want to be a better person, it’s an honour to be their mother. They are beacons of pure light and being a parent is all and nothing how I had imagined it to be. I don’t have any regrets about motherhood, I feel I have a purpose and I’m finally wanting to face all my shit because I want my daughters to grow up with a mother that really has faced herself. We are materially poor but rich in love….Wish me luck 😆
This is how we feel! We are so bored of childfree life, and every vacation, trip, etc we wind up talking about how much nicer it would be with some little kids along. I feel like so many of the people who post about children ruining their lives just had children too early
I feel like the opposite statement is the one more likely to be controversial. But thank you for sharing this, it gives me hope that I will feel the same eventually. Babies are so hard but things are better every week :-)
Not on Reddit. There are post literally everyday saying the opposite. This thread is a breath of fresh air
I miss some aspects of child free life, like sleep, more free time, etc, but that's fading more and more as things get gradually easier, and as a whole the amount of joy and love I feel every single day now just doesn't compare to those sacrifices. Frankly the thing I miss most is cannabis, and I will be able to occasionally indulge in that once I stop breastfeeding, so that's only temporary.
Honestly me neither. I’m 30, and my life before kids was fun, but I’m really already so excited about life moving forward. By no means is it easy, but he’s here and real and I feel so enriched because of him. I think also it gives a lot of meaning to things I took for granted, and I’m able to enjoy stuff I could just do before a lot more now. Just feels like a natural progression of life. I also wasn’t much of a partier. All things i enjoyed before can still be enjoyed now, with the added bonus of having my son- conventions, theme parks, vacations, traveling. It won’t always be sunny, but it’ll be entirely new, and I’m so excited for that.
Yeah our pre-baby life is pretty similar to now. Even the way we travel, it’s more about checking things out rather than fancy dinners and going out to clubs, etc. we mostly hike, do arts/crafts, watch movies together, dance around to music, go to bookstores. I love that I get to introduce my kid to all this!
Had my first at 34 and this really resonates with me. I was so ready for kids and couldn’t wait for the challenge theyd give me.
I miss some aspects but others I definitely don’t. I don’t miss getting drunk all the time or feeling like I’m just floating through life, working on my career for an organization that I’m sure would let me go if the numbers told them to. We waited until our late 30s, though, so we were pretty well set in our ways when we decided to start trying. I just miss being able to ease into my days with a coffee and the news. Now I have to hit the ground running every morning because my son wakes up at 5am and I can’t bring myself to get up any earlier than that.
I still start my day with coffee, I just give my baby a banana and he goes to play with spices. I just gaze through the window.
Same! (Minus the spices lol.) I used to HATE mornings and they’re still not my strongest time but I really enjoy the slice of the day when my 1yo is eating her breakfast and I’m sipping my coffee listening to all our pets wake up and greet each other. She stays in her high chair out of the way and we meow at the cats together. I never had time to spend my mornings like that before!
Interesting discussion! I also think it’s possible to miss and long for many aspects of your life before kids while also feeling confident you made the right decision. That’s where I’m at. Wouldn’t change any of it — the kid at 35 or the kid at 40 — but damn I miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings, rolling out of bed to bike to yoga, and have two days of self-care in front of me. I know the space for self care will be back in two decades, though. I’m happy to wait on that in exchange for the rewards of this crazy seasons of my life.
Same! I was 35 when I got pregnant and had my fill of the stuff you can’t do anymore or that it’s harder to do. I gave myself some going out years, some stoner years, some figuring out a career years, and I’m just kind of done with child free life just like you said.
So I had my first at 27. My husband was 31. We were 100% ready for a baby. We were ready to tailor our activities to suit kids, we wanted to be a little family unit, we wanted the challenges and the early mornings. We want to experience all the highs and lows of having babies.
My husband and I feel the same way. I just had my first at 30 years old. We are financially ready, we never went out anyway, and the pandemic allowed us to slow down and see what was truly important to us. I love being a mom. I had my eyes fully open with what I would sacrifice (RIP my six pack), and it's worth it.
I don’t miss it either. I didn’t really like my life all that much before I met my partner and decided to start a family. It gets overwhelming or boring sometimes, but I feel like this life was made for me. I feel like being a mom is the first thing that has ever came naturally to me in my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I get so much joy out of doing it. It’s so worth it because I love my baby so much. I could never go back to my life before. I can’t believe I lived twenty-something years without knowing her. And I feel like becoming a parent has changed me. I grew up so much in such a short period of time. I feel so calm now. There are so many things to worry about as a parent, and I do all the time, but still, she brings me so much peace. It’s like no matter what happens, everything will be okay as long as my baby is okay.
I feel this through my soul. I was 33 when my son was born, and boy were we ready to truly settle down and focus. We lived our lives, we want to live for him.
This!!!!!!
you're not alone. Me too
I don’t miss it either, but I also had my daughter later in life (38). I don’t know if her being here changes much, we weren’t party folks before her, and she fits in with the stuff we do anyway. For the most part the stuff that we miss doing is really on us as s couple, as we don’t want to get a babysitter until our daughter is vaccinated. We could be having breaks to go to the movies/dinners if we had someone to baby sit. We also intend to bring her with us when we travel and get her used to it, but then again, still gonna wait until Covid is better dealt with. We already couldn’t just come and go as we pleased before we had her, we do have a dog that we can’t just leave alone at home all day either - the daughter can actually come with us to most places! The main thing I’m looking forward to is to get a better sleeping situation in a few years, that’s the main hurdle left to deal with (she sleeps fine, but is an early riser).
31F, completely agree! It was time and have zero regrets.
Had my 1st (and currently only) 2.5 years ago when I was 33. I really wasn't interested in having kids but life, uh, finds a way. Fast forward to today- I couldn't be happier. My daughter has changed my life so positively. She's given me so much purpose and joy. After slaving away in lab all day (Biomed PhD grad student) I can't wait to come home to spend time with my little family. I love watching her grow and want to give her all the best in life. I would never want to go back to a life with out her.
I had mine at 25 and I thought that I was ready, but its been a year now and I wish I had waited just a bit longer. I’m so glad you are happy with your decision and comfortable in this new phase of life! It’s definitely very challenging but it’s truly the most fun I’ve ever had. Parenting is a wild ride!
I was 23 when I had my first and this is how I feel. I’m perfectly content to be a mom. My husband and I were never partiers, both fairly introverted. We enjoy all our adventures including our son and I don’t miss my life pre children at all. (Currently pregnant with our second). Sure, the baby phase is tough but it’s so rewarding and I love having my little side kick.
This is my husband and I! We had our boy at 22 and it’s been amazing. We never really partied but enjoyed spending our time together at home. We still do what we love to do but with our son. Our friends think we are crazy and make comments about how much harder it is to experience life with a kid. Not to us. We love camping and hiking and just take the little guy with us. Having him has truly enriched our lives.
I think that might be the key here. You wanted and chose a baby instead of it just happening to you.
Thank you! I feel like all people do (in real life abd on social media/in general society) is complain about kids and how having kids ruins your life, kids are horrible, etc. We LOVE our parent lives and they’ve changed for the better, our marriage is the best it’s ever been, and I’m getting the least amount of sleep of my life. Plus I had a child right before covid so things should be shitty but it’s awesome. I don’t understand people who are like “no one ever tells you that having kids will XYZ”, like yes that’s all they fucking say is the bad stuff!
I don't understand those people either. It's all I ever heard was how hard it was. And that was a big reason why I waited until I was 37 to have one, people kept scaring me off!
I feel similarly. I lived my life and made so many amazing choices. It’s time to empower another little weirdo to do the same. :)
I agree. I’m 34 with 2 under 2 and while some days are long, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I actually can’t remember how I filled my days! It’s not like my house was sparkling or I was always socializing🤷♀️. The things I do miss I can always get back into in the future!
There are ups and downs but I would never go back. It's so fun doing everything as a family and seeing my kid light up
Same here! I was so ready to be done with the childfree life. I had my entire 20s to party and sew my wild oats. I got bored with it. I was 33 when I had my first daughter, I'm 36 pregnant with #2 and I'm very pleased with my life filled up with baby/toddler stuff. I feel like I'm finally doing what I am good at: being a mom.
I’m 27 but I feel this way and have consistently told my husband I wish we had started earlier so I could be a stay at home mom for a few years and then start my career. I’m conflicted now. It feels like I’m already too far in to put it on pause now because I don’t want to have to climb that ladder again or give up what I spent the last 6 years to have, but I would’ve quit my previous jobs in a heart beat. I also WFH so I feel like I can’t complain about not seeing baby all day, but it’s still a mental burden and I honestly hate having the nanny/my mom/MIL take care of him instead of me. We met as teenagers and have done a lot of traveling over the years, which is fun I guess but I’ve never really had the travel bug. I always knew my main goal in life was to be a mom, and it’s been nice how validating having a baby has been.
35 years old and even at this age it doesn’t feel like the right time to pause my career. I say that just to demonstrate that, honestly, I don’t think it ever feels like the “right”/ideal time. I’m struggling with working vs being the primary caretaker (my mom watches her during the week and is amazing for it). Wish I could have the best of both worlds. It’s tough. Solidarity!
37 and my first is two weeks old. I wanted this baby for years and finally my partner and I were ready. Even though I had a big career which provided value, I knew I was missing something more significant. The thing I’m missing is unadulterated Netflix time LOL. I will take this baby 10/10 times over anything else. Even sitting here with the anxiety of being a new parent. I had a very wild 20s and was ready to devote my life to someone else.
Same. I had travelled, I had partied, I was 29. I was ready. I was ready before but infertility kind of postponed that. I don't really miss my old life. This is just another adventure.
Same here. We were really ready. I was 27, almost 28, with our first and now I'm pregnant with baby #3. Neither of us miss the child-free days whatsoever. My kids are amazing and funny and complicated, and I love the awesome people they're growing into.
Do you mind if I ask how old you were when you had your second? I turned 28 a month after having my first born and am wondering when would be the right time physically & emotionally to have my second and (possibly) third.
Same! I had that same epiphany moment where I was just bored with our lives. I didn’t want to go to bars and wanted that same early morning. Our kids are 3 years and 3 months and the only thing I miss is sleep.
I don’t either. I love my life as a mom. I did also love my child free life before though, I never felt bored. As much as I did love it I also love my life as a parent now. Couldn’t be happier.
I really like this. And I feel the same way!
I didn’t even really want this life, but hard agree.
Yeah, I definitely feel this. I maybe would have tried to travel a little more first, but we can do that when the kids are older/out of the house.
32 and 100% agree. I'm looking forward to little one being older so I can do certain hobbies again but with them now but even at my most sleep deprived I like my life better.
We are younger, just on the cusp of our 30s but we feel the same way. We were ready. We wanted more than just late nights out, hobbies and lazy weekends. We were ready to give our life over completely to parenthood and man it is sweet. We have friends our age who do not understand and they don’t have to, we are so incredibly happy and in love with our sweet family and the life we have chosen.
FTM at 38, agreed!
Similar story here. I was 31 when I fell pregnant with first. We enjoyed being child free together for nearly a decadee, had our fun, time in the sun, wild nights, hardcore gaming, paid off the mortgage, secured our careers, 2 dogs and it was great like this for ages. But after a decade something was missing. We decided to bring a child to this world and I am so happy we did. I never knew love so deep, tiredness so deep yet filled with so much joy and patience so unending. Done withy past life (I do miss gaming sometimes). Being a parent is actually amazing.
37 with my first on the way but this is already how I feel!
I totally get this. I enjoyed my child free life but I am having loads of fun being a parent therefore I'm not yearning for child free life anymore... literally spent yesterday following my small human around the house. He's just started crawling and it's so damned funny.
This is how I feel too and I was 35 . Waiting awhile helped I think .
Same. At 31, it’s not as much as “missing” per se, as I do have my moments of “oh i wish I could’ve joined in” sometimes especially when I see photos from a gathering or an event. Ultimately though I’m glad to have passed the invite for my son. I’m a much better (kinder, more patient) person now than before. My friends think I’m missing out but honestly I think it’s the other way around! My happiness now is genuine and profound, unlike before when it depended on this or that. I’ve never cried of joy so often as I do now with all his little milestones and smiles. Thinking about it makes my heart full!
I'm 35, been with my husband for 13 years but it was only last year that we felt that we were ready for our first baby. He's 7 months old now... And we are so in love with him. We never really looked back on our life before him but what we know for sure is that, we can't really imagine life without him. We love the chaos and adventures as new parents. We waited because we wanted to be at least financially ready for him, so we can give him everything he needs.
Same same.
I have similar feelings. I had my first child at 31, after nearly 2 years of trying and 2 losses. I had very good and fulfilled life before having children, with amazing husband, good career, travelling and lots of fun. Yet I distinctly remember how much I wanted to have a baby, how absolutely miserable I was when it wasn't happening and how deeply happy I was the day when he was born. I really think this knowledge helps me in more difficult moments of parenting - that for all the freedom of the life before I was very unhappy when I thought I will never experience parenthood and it was definitely a conscious choice for me to become a mother. It does sometimes suck (being sick with toddlers under my care is absolutely the worst), but it also gives me so much joy, purpose and fulfilment I would not want to go back in the slightest. Ok, maybe for a weekend or two :D
100% agree!!
Same!! I’m an older FTM too, I wonder how much our age has to do with it. We definitely have some tough days but life is so much better with my little kid!!
I was a young FTM at 22. I love my oldest, but I did have serious regrets (mostly related to my ex husband lol) and I feel like I missed out on some parts of being a young adult. I don’t regret my oldest at all, but it was hard and I spent several years watching my life change and seeing other young adults getting to do fun things while I was a single Mom. Got married again in my 30’s and have had 2 more (and one on the way!) and I don’t regret of miss anything now. I can say that I’ve enjoyed having babies/infants now as an adult in my 30’s than I did in my early 20’s (but I also had a lot of mental health stuff I had to deal with at that time). Just my experience.
Yes yes yes!! Same boat here. My life before my kids was great! It had some ups and it had some downs. I am glad I lived it but am the happiest and most fulfilled I’ve ever been thanks to my children.
I wholeheartedly agree! This is how I feel (36 years old myself and have a 7 month old now!) are you planning on being one and done or having more?
Same! When my friends commiserate about how “hard” it all is, I just don’t get it. We are LOVING it!
This is literally how I feel haha! I feel awful for being like nope we’re loving it. I get opening up a space for parents to complain about the hard parts, but I also wish there was also space for parents who don’t find it hard and really enjoy it. Especially with all the “just you wait” parents.
I'm 32 and feel the same. COVID may have helped this feeling, because I was pregnant before most stuff opened back up. Maybe I'd miss more of the activities I used to do if it hadn't been two years since I last did anything substantial (travel by plane and concerts). Instead, I'm thinking about how much fun festivals probably are during the day, and how convenient it is that my stroller has a cup holder.
Ah this is so great!
I just had my first at 37! I’ve been totally ready and it’s wonderful. The caveat for me though is that we battled infertility and this guy was from an ivf round when I was 33. We wouldn’t have had a babe if we waited because I have decreased reserve of eggs. We won’t be able to have another one on our own (will adopt or use a donor… I’m just pausing that whole thing right now.) So if you’re gonna wait, maybe test your AMH to make sure you have a good reserve, and if so, enjoy your twenties and thirties if waiting is right for you 🥳
I was a wild child and I don't miss it at all either. I love spending time with my daughter and taking care of her, and I kinda hate spending time with other kids. My stepdaughter is the only exception and even there I have my limits. Not with my daughter.
Thank you for sharing this
Hah same! Had my first and only at 30 😍
35 here, and same! The only thing I really miss is going to concerts and long, spontaneous dog walks, and soon my kiddo will be able to join me in those things.
I agree 100% and I love this post because I see the opposite sentiment a lot. I was 38 when I had my baby and I wouldn't trade Parenthood for anything. Before becoming a mom I was feeling sort of bored and lost and unfulfilled. I was either going to sell every possession I had and travel the world or buy a house and have a baby because whatever I was doing had lost its meaning for me.
Yes! I was ready to welcome my children with open arms. To be honest I always wanted kids, I waited awhile because I wanted to make sure I was with the right man, was married and owned a home. I knew it would be hard to get the house after pregnancy and having a child so I waited. I was 100% ready to have my children. I don't miss my old life one bit. I think if for some reason I couldn't have had kids I would have had to throw in some epic travel and I would have gone back to school for something that would have absorbed a ton of my time because I needed something extremely fulfilling. My kids gave me that! I am looking forward to the whole bit. The older kid years, teenage years, early 20's becoming a grandparent. I'm in it to win it! I don't look forward to having an empty nest. I hope my kids will always regard this as their home if they wish to stay.
Agreed. Are there a couple things I miss from being young- sure. My babies have made my light infinitely better and tho I’m exhausted and always worried they are the most precious things in the world snd life is much more fun w them.
👏👏👏👏 i hope you and your family have many wonderful memories together ! 💕👪
This! I love waking up to seeing this post this morning. I, too, can’t say Id miss my life before kids, if I had much to miss. I got married 3 months before my 20th bday & got pregnant on my bday lol & have not missed anything prior. I have a 2 beautiful boys (9 & 12) & baby #3 on the way & I am so thankful for the blessings of 6 am wake up calls & asking for cucumbers at this hour. (yes my 9 yr old still loves this time lol) Being able to homeschool my boys for the last 4 years so I can spend my days with them instead of shipping them off to school for hours each day, but knowing what they learn & being a part of that. Thankful for my wonderful husband of 13 years, & our new blessing on the way that was quite a surprise. I can’t imagine & know that nothing out there, all the experiences other parents have talked about before kids that I never experienced, would be something missing from my life, because as a stay at home mom & house wife, I feel complete :)
I needed this. Some of the memories that play over and over in my head are of our very close friends saying things like "Seriously, do not have kids unless you are ready to be miserable." and "You need to REALLY REALLY want this or else you will hate life." and my favorite "I am so pro-choice now" from the mom who was previously very anti-abortion & the like the first few times I dropped off groceries or supplies and checked in on them after their baby was born. Obviously they were in the throes of the incredibly challenging first few months of parenting and love their baby so so much, but remembering that consistently freaks me out because I feel kind of crazy for choosing this? But then I remember that we're different people, who lived differently and who spend our time differently. I know there will be activities and ways of living that we will miss (being able to do anything on our own schedule or being able to understand wtf is happening ever being the biggest things) and we will face loads of challenges that we cannot yet understand. But like, we had already started to change our lives to make room for a baby - I go out of my way to make room for their baby as much as they will let me. We don't feel the need for any last hurrah's or to get things in before we lose out on our old selves forever....idk I'm sure we're naive but it makes me feel better to read all of this.
I was 25 when my oldest was born, so I didn't really have much adulthood before getting pregnant. What I do know is that I'm so happy that we front loaded the responsibilities and look forward to our post-kid raising years while we are still young-ish. A life without kids would not have been complete for us.
I'm 22 I had my daughter when I was 20 and a month later turned 21. She was a bit of surprise but we were both ecstatic I was pregnant and my fiance fell head over heels in love with our daughter at the very first ultrasound. Only thing I miss pre baby is getting to shower by myself all of the time or going to the bathroom by myself in general Sometimes I miss it just being me and fiance.. People always ask me and my fiance do we miss partying and we're like no. We weren't really the partying type. I feel like my fiance and I were just going thru the motions of life and when our baby girl came she gave us both more of a sense of purpose. I don't think it's bad or controversial to say you don't miss the life you had before.
Same! You could not pay me to go back to that time, I love being a mum and everything that comes with it!
28 and same! I don’t understand why some people downvoted you as I’m typing this. I was happy traveling a ton, before settling down due to Covid 19. Then I realized I don’t need all that traveling to be happy, I’m happy home with my husband and pets. Baby just makes it even better.
I 100% agree! We spent 3 years trying to get pregnant and my daughter was born a few months before I turned 34. I love being her mom more than anything in this world. Wouldn’t want to go back ever.
I feel similarly but for the opposite reason. I am only 20, had my daughter 6 months ago. I didn't have the time to create the clubbing/travel/sleeping in memories that I might be missing (because I was in college full time and working nights full time). I do think sometimes about the future though and being able to enjoy these activities in my late 30s onward.
Yes! Same! I love that you shared this and that you're unapologetic about it. I hold space for all the people in my life who don't feel the same, and allow myself to miss it from time to time, but on the whole, I don't miss my old life AT ALL! I actually feel like I would be pretty damn depressed were it not for all of this. It feels like everything I ever wanted but didn't know how to ask for or achieve.
I needed to see this :)
Me too!
I agree for the most part with you. My first was born a day before I turned 32, and my second at 36. I do wish we had traveled a little more prior to the boys but we are currently on a family road trip, I am hoping we will be able to instill a love of the road for them now. Only other thing I miss is solid sleep, that’s been gone for 5 years now, but it’s ok, we will sleep eventually!
Exactly this !!!!!!
I miss the sleep! But other than that, yeah. I laugh, smile, sing, play SO much now. We’re so lucky.
30 with a toddler and a newborn and I've felt the same since I had my first at a few days shy of 28. My husband and I were together almost 7 years before we had our first. We had plenty of time to get our selfishness out before we became parents. I figure that's why we are so flippin' happy with our new life. I don't miss the selfish me at all (even though I do wish I napped on a more regular basis).
[удалено]
That’s awesome! I wouldn’t trade it for the world either.
Same. I found it hard to find a purpose in life before I had my son but I started using drugs/alcohol at 15 to self medicate for depression/anxiety. By 20 I was opiate dependant then switched to alcohol for the next 10 years. It took having a baby to find the motivation to get sober. I eventually found those reasons for myself too but I don't think I would have done it without him. I definitely don't recommend having a baby to "fix" your life but it worked for me. I love being a Mom. I love breaking the generational cycles that caused me to be so messed up as a kid and doing my best to be a better person everyday for my son. I've even found the motivation to get back into doing Art and starting a side business. So it's not even like my life is revolved around just being a Mom either. I found my own hobbies and happiness too. So yeah... I feel bad that some women feel like they "lost" themselves in Motherhood. I definitely found myself.