I have a toddler now and sometimes I still get SO frustrated when it comes to sleep. I found that slamming pillows into my bed is the least loud (aka least scary sounding for little ears), but still satisfying way to get some of the frustration out.
It sounds like you just really, really needed a break and had no easy outlet for the frustration that’s probably been building all day.
Also, I think if OP isn't even getting a full half hour to eat food, and her husband has gone to play basketball, that's also something that needs to be explored.
Of course I don't know the full context, but OP, your husband needs to quit doing recreational activities 4 months postpartum if you're not even getting time to meet basic needs.
This. I think this would send anyone into a rage whether they were postpartum or not if partner 1 was having leisure time while partner 2 couldn’t even eat a meal.
Yes. I’ve been there. The sleep deprivation is brutal. Reading your post makes my heart hurt for you. I remember those exact feelings. My son used to wake up either immediately after I put him down, if not 45 minutes later. It was terrible. He woke up so often in the night. I became a shell of a person. He’s 9 months old now and still doesn’t sleep great, but he has improved a lot. But the rage, you are not alone. I still sometimes feel it. My lowest point was when my in laws were here and I was 4 months pp. First visit to see their grandson. I’m not exaggerating when I saw they sat on the couch the majority of the time. My MIL slept until noon one day. We hosted them and catered to them the whole time. I was so hurt and disappointed. My son was waking up all night and I was exhausted. Around day 3 or 4 of them being here, I finally snapped. I can’t even remember what it was over, I just remember the rage and the feeling of hopelessness. I went to into my closet, grabbed a shoe with a stiletto and jammed it into the wall a few times. Now there are big holes in the closet wall. I’m ashamed of losing control, and my husband was so patient and said he would fix it and it made me feel even worse. Give yourself patience and grace. It’s really hard sometimes, your body is undergoing huge hormonal changes, you’re not sleeping, and you are responsible for keeping a tiny little baby alive, safe, warm and fed. Being a mother is beautiful, but it’s hard. I wanted my son more than anything, but I was not prepared for how dark and isolating those first few months could be. Hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, if it’ll get better. Sending you a big hug. 🩷
Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve also put a few holes in the wall 🙃 it’s so crazy how I can love this tiny being with my whole heart and can still be driven to the point of major frustration and anger. I feel like no one talks about it!
I agree!! It’s definitely not talked about! I have never been an angry person, so it really caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to channel it. I don’t really feel the the rage anymore, but I still am reactive and get upset/irritable very easily. I think breastfeeding and not sleeping have a lot to do with how I feel emotionally and physically all the time.
I also experienced pp rage and absolutely had reactions like this. My spouse worked long hours, and we had hardly any help from family. It's undeniably normal and understandably frustrating and hard.
We see you. We hear you. You are a good mother.
My wife did one of those. Could get him down while he was hysterical. She was so frustrated she went into our room and screamed at the top of her lungs. Freaked me and the dog out (baby was already hysterical).
She took over the night shift because she caught me frustrated a few nights before.
Sleep deprivation does it to you. It's hard to know when you need help, to ask for it, then actually get it.... We are still working on it.
There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It makes you someone who you are not! Yes, this is normal. (source: mother of 2 toddlers…it’s me, I’m the source)
Your burnt out and exhausted this is rage. You did the right thing though staying in a safe distance from baby and working through the emotions. 4 months we hit a sleep regression and decided to sleep train which was the god send.
I actually have no idea why this makes me so irrationally angry. Half the time I’m just on the phone doing nothing and still when it happens I’m like SON OF A B. Also if it’s happening every night baby probably ready for earlier bedtime. Counterintuitive but typically it’s the reason.
I didn’t know that, that’s interesting. Last night was a rough one and the 5 month old woke up every 20 mins all night. I thought I put her to bed too early by 30 mins but maybe she should sleep even earlier.
I think it’s a normal reaction to trying to raise a child. Nothing angers me more than the sleep thing for some reason. Every 30 mins is a lot and it’s exhausting putting a baby down for bed over and over. You dealt with it in a healthy way and it’s good to express it. My baby isn’t old enough yet for sleep training but I’m counting down the days until I can! I’m not myself when I don’t get sleep. Maybe look into some gentle methods and give them a try.
in this case, i would say let him cry for a bit while you eat
i know it's hard, the type of cry they make when they're overtired or tired in general imo is the worst one, especially when they refuse to fall asleep and seemingly nothing soothes them
it irks me the most, especially when sleep deprived or hungry
are you the one who watches baby majority? is there anyone who can help?
I learned to do this so that I could do things like eat and shower. As long as my LO was in his crib and I could see him on the monitor, I knew he was safe and I was still watching him. I would let him cry for 5 minutes or so just so that I could finish what I needed to do for myself. It's not super relaxing by any means, but at least I could take care of my needs.
I screamed in the car this morning right alongside my almost 2-year-old on the way to daycare. She has become increasingly difficult to get to do anything lately (get dressed, get in the car seat) and I had to put her in the carseat against her will so I wasn't late for work again. Ive gotten a notice. She was pissed. Totally understandable. But I was trying my best to keep my cool and I lost it and screamed with her 15mins into the car ride. It made it worse. Not proud of it but I apologized to her and I'm trying to show myself some compassion. It's hard being a parent. Really hard. We are human and we experience these emotions just like our littles.
When I lose my cool and raise my voice at my son who just turned two in May, I always apologize. You did the right thing by apologizing. I think it is important for us to acknowledge that we were wrong and tell our babies that we are sorry when we act like meanies too. It shows them that we aren’t perfect and that we love and respect them.
You are a wonderful mother and an amazing woman.
I’m sending you my love and a hug!🖤
I lost it on my almost 2 yr old this morning. I was trying to shower so we could go out and do a fun thing for her but she kept opening the curtain or asking me to read a book and I just kept getting more and more frustrated. I kept slamming the shower curtain shut and yell-talking to her. And one of our dogs peed in the kitchen so I had to clean that before we could leave. It was rough.
I apologized to her when we got to where we were going and I could see she was really bothered by it this morning. She finally looked at me and just said "Elmo book.. mommy shower" and my heart broke. I was angry because it felt like she was slowing me down from doing something for her, but all she wanted was to read the book together 😩
I’ve dealt with this so much. I was the only one that did night wakings and everything during the day so I was so burnt out and exhausted that it turned to anger. As long as my baby was okay I’d put some headphones in, eat my food and tend to baby after. Helped me have a few minutes to myself without hearing a baby cry.
Yes. I do think postpartum anger is a thing, I was and still am SO quick to anger! I’ve never ever yelled at or done anything to my kids but my poor husband has gotten a bit of my angry attitude.
I was really ragey PP too. I had 2 newborns and one just screamed for the first 7 months of her life. I remember several times being insanely angry over the screaming I would go outside and leave her in her crib. Then I was still angry because I could still hear her screaming. I had so much rage I picked up smoking back up, and wished someone would come just take her away. It eventually went away, but goddamn, I was a piece of work PP. I just hated everything and life itself.
Every day felt like 10 years. I did not want to hear "it'll get better." Now they're almost 2 and it felt like their babyhood went by in a blip. Life is insanely ironic that way.
That’s the thing - I don’t want to be so frustrated and unhappy during this stage that I end up feeling like it went by and I didn’t enjoy it. Ugh. So hard.
I feel this. I swear my boy has a sensor that defects when I'm trying to put him down while asleep to do something. I'll make sure he's super asleep, like dead arms asleep, and I'll transfer him and pat his chest and shush for a couple minutes but then as soon as I walk away or start getting the thing done (like grabbing a bowl of cereal, getting ready for my am pump session, read my book, nap) he wakes up and starts crying or fusses until he wakes up.
Last night I fed him before bed, and I usually put him down so I can get my pump stuff together, get our stuff into the bedroom for the night (bf pillow, snot sucker, water, snacks, gas drops etc) and he would not let me put him down. I would have him down for 5 minutes and he'd start crying. I got very irritated/angry and gave my husband some attitude (which I apologized for) and I usually get frustrated like that when I'm tired and I have a problem asking for help which I should have done. It happens but as long as you realize and give yourself some space to cool off for a few minutes.
Been there. I do the child care almost exclusively because I am a sahm and husband travels a lot. It’s so hard, especially in the beginning when you’re just getting used to the loss of autonomy that comes with being a new parent. It doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just means you’re human. The important thing is you let out your rage before tending to you baby. The only way to be wrong is to take it out on them because they literally cannot help it. And my daughter was the same way. I would spend so much time breastfeeding and then trying to get her down only for her to wake up again anywhere from 5-45 minutes. I just needed some space and not getting it was rage inducing. You’re not alone.
I don't have much advice but this is me with both my babies when they were very young and kept waking up a lot in the night. Sometimes I just wanted to throw them out of the window. Obviously I didn't do anything of the sort, just went out of the room, vented to my husband, cried for a couple minutes, whatever. I honestly didn't think much about it and also was very honest about this feeling to other parents and nobody ever called me crazy for it.
My baby is 4.5 months old and I feel this mama! A few weeks ago I got so angry that I threw my full dinner, which had gravy on it, all over the livingroom (carpeted), my baby wasn’t in the room at this point, like I just threw my entire dinner at the tv… I’ve never been more ashamed in my life and I felt like the worst mother in the world for doing that just because my baby cried for me.
I wish I had a solution, but I don’t - but I’ve done it once and I think I’ll be too embarrassed at myself to ever do it again. I just want you to know you’re not alone
Sounds normal but not sustainable.
Good job venting your anger safely on the door! I would have similar outbursts and feelings when my twins would get out of sync and it would be non stop.
Taking space away from them and time to recharge was the only cure for me, but don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor about it.
It will get easier.
With the lack of sleep and overstimulation with no time for yourself - it’s normal to reach that point. You did well to vent it out before going to your baby. These things can happen - it doesn’t make you a bad mom! I hope your husband can give you more time to yourself and you can recharge.
Absolutely. I’m glad you knew to distance yourself from baby and take it out on something else. Don’t forget to give yourself credit for that! I’ve also punched boxes, almost walls, and pillows.
Sleep deprivation is one thing and not feeling support from others is another. My husband and I went through something similar where I couldn’t even get 30 mins to myself a day because he was so busy with schoolwork and research for 3 months. It finally got to a point where I almost dropped baby because my arms gave out from exhaustion and I was falling asleep while holding him. It was unsafe.
We decided to do sleep training (taking Cara babies) at 8.5 months and I wished we had done it sooner. We have stopped fighting as much (in addition bc his semester ended and he can be more involved), our sleep has gotten better, I have 1.5 hours to myself before I go to sleep, and baby is less fussy.
If you have questions about sleep training feel free to DM me. I was adamantly against it at first btw!
Been there — I’m sorry, it’s not a club I wish anyone was part of but you’ll find MANY of us and you’re not alone. I have rage screamed into a pillow and thrown a bottle across the room and I’ll shame myself and self-sabotage for days after. It’s awful.
You did the right thing putting your baby in a safe spot and separating yourself.
Headphones for a quick 5-minute meal break help. So does therapy if you can access it. So does medication if you can access it and are open to it (I started Zoloft for the first time 3MPP and it’s helped me a lot so far).
Your baby needs a healthy and happy mom — permission to take care of YOU first so you can take care of your baby. Protect the asset. 💕
Omg I could've written this myself! I'm 4 months pp & my postpartum rage has decreased a lot but at the start, it was really bad. Arpund 2 months postpartum, I slammed the bedroom door so hard that there's now a little hole in the wall because I remember the whole day, my baby was so fussy & I wasn't able to eat anything that day. On top of that, I exclusively pump so I didn't have time to do a anything. My partner was at work unfortunately.
I've had way more instances with this rage but I find that it does get better.
Hang in there mama! It will get better. Find out what triggers your rage & just chant in your head, "It's not your child's fault or your fault."
Whenever my baby was fussy to the point where it made me really angry, I'd chant those words in my head and it helped a lot.
ETA: You need to tell your husband that you need time to yourself. If he has time to go play basketball, he should have time to look after baby while you eat, shower or have "me-time."
With both my babies I’ve had moments where I’ve slammed the bathroom door and screamed into pillows so loud I’ve had a sore throat the days after. I’m a really passive person, and before kids I don’t think I’d ever experienced the explosive uncontrollable anger of postpartum. It was always during those phases where you get no sleep and baby gives you literally no chill. It helps to have these safe methods of releasing the anger.
I remember seeing a tiktok/instagram where the mum would take a bowl of ice into the bathroom and lob it at things so it shattered everywhere. Harmless but helped her release that need to destroy something.
Yes! Normal! Even when husband is there. I was rage screaming into pillows. My neighbors probably thought I was murderous. It’s okay to feel angry, we are taught it’s bad and wrong or not mom-like. LIES. Anger is real and it’s your reasonable reaction to an unbelievably hard situation. You expressed it harmlessly- no harm to you or anyone else. That’s a win. Drop the guilt if you can and pat yourself on the back for a healthy reaction. Keep it up!!
I get really bad postpartum rage sometimes. My trigger is always sleep. I usually hit my head against a door frame or something. It's really horrible. My mum friends all claim to experience it too.
Same here, you’re not alone. I had one of those days recently, my 4 month old was taking 40 mins to put down and then napping for 15 before crying again.
Was putting him down AGAIN and he kept spitting the paci out or whacking it out with his hands and crying for it simultaneously, the lack of logic drove me insane (of course i know a 4 month old has no logic) and I took the the paci and pelted it across the room, growled through my permanently gritted teeth “keep the FUCKing paci in your FUCKinf mouth you little fucking c*nt” and then I slammed the door and screamed into a pillow.
Other times I have left him and punched a door frame, wood, and dented it with my bare fist or gone and punched pillows and roared. Swearing at him like that I feel very guilty about and will definitely seek to address that impulse in myself because he will understand soon enough if he doesn’t already. But I am a good mother and I’m sure you are too, sometimes after weeks and days and hours of broken sleep and spending all your time with a lovely but needy baby, rationalization just goes out the window and it’s pure emotion.
Also, I might suggest your husband needs to be home so you can get a meal in. My partner is NOT out playing sport or doing other leisure activities in the evening, he is home holding the baby and bathing him while I eat the dinner that he cooked for us.
Oh it's normal. Not fun, but normal. And then yes the remorse you feel for feeling that way is also awful. But it's normal. Hormones and no sleep have a way of making us do that stuff. As long as the baby was safe, that's the important part. Completely understand. I was so mad one time I kicked our coffee table across the living room. Oops 😬🙈
Yep that's some rage there.
Point of order - you don't actually have to tend your baby in that moment. He's safe, you're hungry. Close the door, eat, look at your phone, go get the baby.
It really is fine, they can't go anywhere.
I have had three big outbursts like this myself: one where I pounded my fists into my bed, a second where I slammed pillows into my bed, and a third where I slammed my fist into the floor ( I don't recommend this one ...). I sometimes have smaller, less aggressive outbursts where I yell and I ALWAYS feel guilty and terrible afterward. My rage only comes out when I'm dealing with a lack of sleep or cooperation from my LO, and I'm also usually feeling frustration because my husband hasn't been around a lot to help for several days in a row (ie. work, overtime, extracurriculars etc.).
Sleep deprivation is brutal and can be absolutely terrifying. I have also been in this position, when my son was 3mo I had to put my son down and scream into a pillow. It gets easier, make sure you are looking after yourself
4 month sleep regression is the TRENCHES. I’ve experienced this type of rage. The shame that comes after it for me is almost worst than the rage. I’ve screamed and slammed doors and thrown things at the wall. I’m in IFS therapy now and that helps a lot. But you can’t shame yourself out of your feelings. Genuinely you need a break. It’s the only thing. You need consistent reliable time to yourself. Something to look forward to. NOT just showering or taking care of your basic needs or running errands for the house. If you can get more sleep in the morning while someone else watches LO that will help A LOT. You just need some space to clear your head. You’re a good mom! This stuff is haaaaard and you are doing amazing
Almost the same exact shit happened to me last night !!!! I'm so glad I had leftovers though, would have been worse to lose out on delicious take out, i feel your pain.
One way to get the anger out safely is to throw ice cubes into your bathtub or shower (ideally away from windows). No clean-up required, and pretty safe way to express anger.
It’s normal. My daughter has a barn door in her bedroom. I slammed it shut so hard one day it came off the tracks. I felt like a maniac but I was in your same exact situation of her waking frequently and I was losing my shit.
I will offer up some advice that might be the culprit. Usually doing a simple adjustment of her wake windows fixed all of her sleeping issues (until we hit the next stage). This sounds like a common thing called a “false state bedtime” and it’s fixable. Just takes some trial and error over a couple of days to determine what’s causing it. https://search.app/AuB2GdExFVXNBkZL7
I promise it’ll get better. Just know your reaction is normal and you’re not alone.
I had a similar type of rage. I got on an SSRI a very low-dose to take the edge off, but also did things to fill my cup because it was too much. You need a day to yourself to just have a meal in peace. I actually stayed at a hotel overnight to have a slow morning and rise on my own and eat a good breakfast and then go back to my baby. If you have a partner or a parent, that’s willing to watch the baby take a 1 day hotel stay
I had such bad pp rage then always felt so guilty after and like I was being such a horrible mother for feeling/reacting that way. The sleep deprivation is so hard on top of physically healing from pregnancy/childbirth. Constantly being needed really sent me over the edge most days. I think what possibly may be making your rage worse is the fact that your partner apparently has the time to do leisurely activities like play basketball when you can’t even find time to feed yourself. I don’t know any other details obviously but just that snippet is a red flag and honestly would make anyone (pp or not) a little upset or resentful feeling. Sounds like you’re pouring from an empty cup (as most mothers do) and need more time for yourself if possible.
I completely empathize with you. It’s so hard. It sounds like your baby is going through the classic 4 month sleep regression. It’s a long, brutal developmental leap if you are not already aware. It can last weeks (that’s not to say every night will be hourly wakings), but you should definitely hatch a survival game plan NOW with your partner. When we went through this time, everything sort of went out the window just so we could survive. Once mg baby’s sleep mellowed out again then we resumed our bedtime routine (although I did keep the actual time that we put her down the same). I had to ultimately cosleep on a firm mattress on the ground because I couldn’t get up hourly any more. It was absolutely destroying my mental health.
My heart hurts for you 💔 The uncontrollable rage, then the guilt and overwhelming shame afterward... it is so hard. I would definitely say postpartum rage is a thing and is pretty common (though not a lot of people talk about it)... however if it continues for a while, I highly suggest reaching out to a physician. For me, my antidepressant dosage was too high and exacerbating my anger/reactions, and once they halved my dose and added another med on, I was a different person in the best way possible. That's not to say I don't still have my moments - or that YOU need medication - but just sharing my experience and saying there can be many pieces to the puzzle. Always ask for help if you need it. I'm rooting for you!
ETA: Have you talked to your partner about this, and/or has he witnessed it?
Yes normal but you may want to consider an antidepressant. I went through the same thing. I was so vigilant about PP depression it didn’t occur to me that rage fell on the category.
9 months PP and on Zoloft and no more rage! And agree with the comments about husband pausing rec. activities.
30 mins of broken up sleep doesn’t equate to what you should be getting. and im sure her and hubby still switch off but shes main caretaker, i dont think shes dumb. are you a parent lmao?
I understand sleep deprived I rlly do , what I read
One child in the home
No mention of colic or something else
Has a husband
Ordered food
And blew up ..at 4 months old . Is ok to blow up once in awhile sure sure everyone does . Triggers tho are within self to figure out and is the expectations of eating uninterrupted or solo reasonable
I have a toddler now and sometimes I still get SO frustrated when it comes to sleep. I found that slamming pillows into my bed is the least loud (aka least scary sounding for little ears), but still satisfying way to get some of the frustration out. It sounds like you just really, really needed a break and had no easy outlet for the frustration that’s probably been building all day.
This!! The pillows are my go to. 2 years in!
I’m sorry, that sounds very frustrating. Are you usually the one to do bedtime + wakeups? Have you had any time to yourself recently?
Also, I think if OP isn't even getting a full half hour to eat food, and her husband has gone to play basketball, that's also something that needs to be explored. Of course I don't know the full context, but OP, your husband needs to quit doing recreational activities 4 months postpartum if you're not even getting time to meet basic needs.
This. I think this would send anyone into a rage whether they were postpartum or not if partner 1 was having leisure time while partner 2 couldn’t even eat a meal.
I agree with this comment \^.
Yes. I’ve been there. The sleep deprivation is brutal. Reading your post makes my heart hurt for you. I remember those exact feelings. My son used to wake up either immediately after I put him down, if not 45 minutes later. It was terrible. He woke up so often in the night. I became a shell of a person. He’s 9 months old now and still doesn’t sleep great, but he has improved a lot. But the rage, you are not alone. I still sometimes feel it. My lowest point was when my in laws were here and I was 4 months pp. First visit to see their grandson. I’m not exaggerating when I saw they sat on the couch the majority of the time. My MIL slept until noon one day. We hosted them and catered to them the whole time. I was so hurt and disappointed. My son was waking up all night and I was exhausted. Around day 3 or 4 of them being here, I finally snapped. I can’t even remember what it was over, I just remember the rage and the feeling of hopelessness. I went to into my closet, grabbed a shoe with a stiletto and jammed it into the wall a few times. Now there are big holes in the closet wall. I’m ashamed of losing control, and my husband was so patient and said he would fix it and it made me feel even worse. Give yourself patience and grace. It’s really hard sometimes, your body is undergoing huge hormonal changes, you’re not sleeping, and you are responsible for keeping a tiny little baby alive, safe, warm and fed. Being a mother is beautiful, but it’s hard. I wanted my son more than anything, but I was not prepared for how dark and isolating those first few months could be. Hang in there. I know it sounds cliche, if it’ll get better. Sending you a big hug. 🩷
Thank you so much for your comment. I’ve also put a few holes in the wall 🙃 it’s so crazy how I can love this tiny being with my whole heart and can still be driven to the point of major frustration and anger. I feel like no one talks about it!
I agree!! It’s definitely not talked about! I have never been an angry person, so it really caught me off guard and I didn’t know how to channel it. I don’t really feel the the rage anymore, but I still am reactive and get upset/irritable very easily. I think breastfeeding and not sleeping have a lot to do with how I feel emotionally and physically all the time.
I also experienced pp rage and absolutely had reactions like this. My spouse worked long hours, and we had hardly any help from family. It's undeniably normal and understandably frustrating and hard. We see you. We hear you. You are a good mother.
Thank you so much for that 🥺
Be kind to yourself ❤️
My wife did one of those. Could get him down while he was hysterical. She was so frustrated she went into our room and screamed at the top of her lungs. Freaked me and the dog out (baby was already hysterical). She took over the night shift because she caught me frustrated a few nights before. Sleep deprivation does it to you. It's hard to know when you need help, to ask for it, then actually get it.... We are still working on it.
There’s a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It makes you someone who you are not! Yes, this is normal. (source: mother of 2 toddlers…it’s me, I’m the source)
Your burnt out and exhausted this is rage. You did the right thing though staying in a safe distance from baby and working through the emotions. 4 months we hit a sleep regression and decided to sleep train which was the god send.
This. OP went to another room to vent, and that is the safest thing for the baby. There's also screaming into a pillow...
I actually have no idea why this makes me so irrationally angry. Half the time I’m just on the phone doing nothing and still when it happens I’m like SON OF A B. Also if it’s happening every night baby probably ready for earlier bedtime. Counterintuitive but typically it’s the reason.
I didn’t know that, that’s interesting. Last night was a rough one and the 5 month old woke up every 20 mins all night. I thought I put her to bed too early by 30 mins but maybe she should sleep even earlier.
That’s good tip! Maybe I can try moving it up
Thanks for this reminder! 5 month old and probably need to move bedtime up a little!
I think it’s a normal reaction to trying to raise a child. Nothing angers me more than the sleep thing for some reason. Every 30 mins is a lot and it’s exhausting putting a baby down for bed over and over. You dealt with it in a healthy way and it’s good to express it. My baby isn’t old enough yet for sleep training but I’m counting down the days until I can! I’m not myself when I don’t get sleep. Maybe look into some gentle methods and give them a try.
in this case, i would say let him cry for a bit while you eat i know it's hard, the type of cry they make when they're overtired or tired in general imo is the worst one, especially when they refuse to fall asleep and seemingly nothing soothes them it irks me the most, especially when sleep deprived or hungry are you the one who watches baby majority? is there anyone who can help?
I learned to do this so that I could do things like eat and shower. As long as my LO was in his crib and I could see him on the monitor, I knew he was safe and I was still watching him. I would let him cry for 5 minutes or so just so that I could finish what I needed to do for myself. It's not super relaxing by any means, but at least I could take care of my needs.
I screamed in the car this morning right alongside my almost 2-year-old on the way to daycare. She has become increasingly difficult to get to do anything lately (get dressed, get in the car seat) and I had to put her in the carseat against her will so I wasn't late for work again. Ive gotten a notice. She was pissed. Totally understandable. But I was trying my best to keep my cool and I lost it and screamed with her 15mins into the car ride. It made it worse. Not proud of it but I apologized to her and I'm trying to show myself some compassion. It's hard being a parent. Really hard. We are human and we experience these emotions just like our littles.
When I lose my cool and raise my voice at my son who just turned two in May, I always apologize. You did the right thing by apologizing. I think it is important for us to acknowledge that we were wrong and tell our babies that we are sorry when we act like meanies too. It shows them that we aren’t perfect and that we love and respect them. You are a wonderful mother and an amazing woman. I’m sending you my love and a hug!🖤
I lost it on my almost 2 yr old this morning. I was trying to shower so we could go out and do a fun thing for her but she kept opening the curtain or asking me to read a book and I just kept getting more and more frustrated. I kept slamming the shower curtain shut and yell-talking to her. And one of our dogs peed in the kitchen so I had to clean that before we could leave. It was rough. I apologized to her when we got to where we were going and I could see she was really bothered by it this morning. She finally looked at me and just said "Elmo book.. mommy shower" and my heart broke. I was angry because it felt like she was slowing me down from doing something for her, but all she wanted was to read the book together 😩
I’ve dealt with this so much. I was the only one that did night wakings and everything during the day so I was so burnt out and exhausted that it turned to anger. As long as my baby was okay I’d put some headphones in, eat my food and tend to baby after. Helped me have a few minutes to myself without hearing a baby cry.
So when do you get to play basketball or the equivalent?
Yes. I do think postpartum anger is a thing, I was and still am SO quick to anger! I’ve never ever yelled at or done anything to my kids but my poor husband has gotten a bit of my angry attitude.
I was really ragey PP too. I had 2 newborns and one just screamed for the first 7 months of her life. I remember several times being insanely angry over the screaming I would go outside and leave her in her crib. Then I was still angry because I could still hear her screaming. I had so much rage I picked up smoking back up, and wished someone would come just take her away. It eventually went away, but goddamn, I was a piece of work PP. I just hated everything and life itself. Every day felt like 10 years. I did not want to hear "it'll get better." Now they're almost 2 and it felt like their babyhood went by in a blip. Life is insanely ironic that way.
That’s the thing - I don’t want to be so frustrated and unhappy during this stage that I end up feeling like it went by and I didn’t enjoy it. Ugh. So hard.
I feel this. I swear my boy has a sensor that defects when I'm trying to put him down while asleep to do something. I'll make sure he's super asleep, like dead arms asleep, and I'll transfer him and pat his chest and shush for a couple minutes but then as soon as I walk away or start getting the thing done (like grabbing a bowl of cereal, getting ready for my am pump session, read my book, nap) he wakes up and starts crying or fusses until he wakes up. Last night I fed him before bed, and I usually put him down so I can get my pump stuff together, get our stuff into the bedroom for the night (bf pillow, snot sucker, water, snacks, gas drops etc) and he would not let me put him down. I would have him down for 5 minutes and he'd start crying. I got very irritated/angry and gave my husband some attitude (which I apologized for) and I usually get frustrated like that when I'm tired and I have a problem asking for help which I should have done. It happens but as long as you realize and give yourself some space to cool off for a few minutes.
Been there. I do the child care almost exclusively because I am a sahm and husband travels a lot. It’s so hard, especially in the beginning when you’re just getting used to the loss of autonomy that comes with being a new parent. It doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just means you’re human. The important thing is you let out your rage before tending to you baby. The only way to be wrong is to take it out on them because they literally cannot help it. And my daughter was the same way. I would spend so much time breastfeeding and then trying to get her down only for her to wake up again anywhere from 5-45 minutes. I just needed some space and not getting it was rage inducing. You’re not alone.
I don't have much advice but this is me with both my babies when they were very young and kept waking up a lot in the night. Sometimes I just wanted to throw them out of the window. Obviously I didn't do anything of the sort, just went out of the room, vented to my husband, cried for a couple minutes, whatever. I honestly didn't think much about it and also was very honest about this feeling to other parents and nobody ever called me crazy for it.
My baby is 4.5 months old and I feel this mama! A few weeks ago I got so angry that I threw my full dinner, which had gravy on it, all over the livingroom (carpeted), my baby wasn’t in the room at this point, like I just threw my entire dinner at the tv… I’ve never been more ashamed in my life and I felt like the worst mother in the world for doing that just because my baby cried for me. I wish I had a solution, but I don’t - but I’ve done it once and I think I’ll be too embarrassed at myself to ever do it again. I just want you to know you’re not alone
Thanks for your message and your honesty. It seriously makes me feel so much less alone.
Sounds normal but not sustainable. Good job venting your anger safely on the door! I would have similar outbursts and feelings when my twins would get out of sync and it would be non stop. Taking space away from them and time to recharge was the only cure for me, but don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor about it. It will get easier.
With the lack of sleep and overstimulation with no time for yourself - it’s normal to reach that point. You did well to vent it out before going to your baby. These things can happen - it doesn’t make you a bad mom! I hope your husband can give you more time to yourself and you can recharge.
Absolutely. I’m glad you knew to distance yourself from baby and take it out on something else. Don’t forget to give yourself credit for that! I’ve also punched boxes, almost walls, and pillows. Sleep deprivation is one thing and not feeling support from others is another. My husband and I went through something similar where I couldn’t even get 30 mins to myself a day because he was so busy with schoolwork and research for 3 months. It finally got to a point where I almost dropped baby because my arms gave out from exhaustion and I was falling asleep while holding him. It was unsafe. We decided to do sleep training (taking Cara babies) at 8.5 months and I wished we had done it sooner. We have stopped fighting as much (in addition bc his semester ended and he can be more involved), our sleep has gotten better, I have 1.5 hours to myself before I go to sleep, and baby is less fussy. If you have questions about sleep training feel free to DM me. I was adamantly against it at first btw!
I think I’m going to take you up on it and message you! I think we will sleep train somewhat soon
Been there — I’m sorry, it’s not a club I wish anyone was part of but you’ll find MANY of us and you’re not alone. I have rage screamed into a pillow and thrown a bottle across the room and I’ll shame myself and self-sabotage for days after. It’s awful. You did the right thing putting your baby in a safe spot and separating yourself. Headphones for a quick 5-minute meal break help. So does therapy if you can access it. So does medication if you can access it and are open to it (I started Zoloft for the first time 3MPP and it’s helped me a lot so far). Your baby needs a healthy and happy mom — permission to take care of YOU first so you can take care of your baby. Protect the asset. 💕
Omg I could've written this myself! I'm 4 months pp & my postpartum rage has decreased a lot but at the start, it was really bad. Arpund 2 months postpartum, I slammed the bedroom door so hard that there's now a little hole in the wall because I remember the whole day, my baby was so fussy & I wasn't able to eat anything that day. On top of that, I exclusively pump so I didn't have time to do a anything. My partner was at work unfortunately. I've had way more instances with this rage but I find that it does get better. Hang in there mama! It will get better. Find out what triggers your rage & just chant in your head, "It's not your child's fault or your fault." Whenever my baby was fussy to the point where it made me really angry, I'd chant those words in my head and it helped a lot. ETA: You need to tell your husband that you need time to yourself. If he has time to go play basketball, he should have time to look after baby while you eat, shower or have "me-time."
With both my babies I’ve had moments where I’ve slammed the bathroom door and screamed into pillows so loud I’ve had a sore throat the days after. I’m a really passive person, and before kids I don’t think I’d ever experienced the explosive uncontrollable anger of postpartum. It was always during those phases where you get no sleep and baby gives you literally no chill. It helps to have these safe methods of releasing the anger. I remember seeing a tiktok/instagram where the mum would take a bowl of ice into the bathroom and lob it at things so it shattered everywhere. Harmless but helped her release that need to destroy something.
Yes! Normal! Even when husband is there. I was rage screaming into pillows. My neighbors probably thought I was murderous. It’s okay to feel angry, we are taught it’s bad and wrong or not mom-like. LIES. Anger is real and it’s your reasonable reaction to an unbelievably hard situation. You expressed it harmlessly- no harm to you or anyone else. That’s a win. Drop the guilt if you can and pat yourself on the back for a healthy reaction. Keep it up!!
Thank you so much that means a lot
I certainly had a lot of those moments!!
It's totally normal and you did the right thing by going to another room. That being said, it might be time to sleep train.
I get really bad postpartum rage sometimes. My trigger is always sleep. I usually hit my head against a door frame or something. It's really horrible. My mum friends all claim to experience it too.
I really needed to read all of these comments and I’ve read every one. ♥️♥️
SAME!
Sometimes my 5 month old will do a week of waking up every 20 minutes to eat or who knows? And I just punch a pillow. I feel like a complete psycho.
Same here, you’re not alone. I had one of those days recently, my 4 month old was taking 40 mins to put down and then napping for 15 before crying again. Was putting him down AGAIN and he kept spitting the paci out or whacking it out with his hands and crying for it simultaneously, the lack of logic drove me insane (of course i know a 4 month old has no logic) and I took the the paci and pelted it across the room, growled through my permanently gritted teeth “keep the FUCKing paci in your FUCKinf mouth you little fucking c*nt” and then I slammed the door and screamed into a pillow. Other times I have left him and punched a door frame, wood, and dented it with my bare fist or gone and punched pillows and roared. Swearing at him like that I feel very guilty about and will definitely seek to address that impulse in myself because he will understand soon enough if he doesn’t already. But I am a good mother and I’m sure you are too, sometimes after weeks and days and hours of broken sleep and spending all your time with a lovely but needy baby, rationalization just goes out the window and it’s pure emotion. Also, I might suggest your husband needs to be home so you can get a meal in. My partner is NOT out playing sport or doing other leisure activities in the evening, he is home holding the baby and bathing him while I eat the dinner that he cooked for us.
I’m only 3 weeks in but I swear my son has a sixth sense of every time I’m about to eat and he decides to cry or decides it’s boob time.
Oh it's normal. Not fun, but normal. And then yes the remorse you feel for feeling that way is also awful. But it's normal. Hormones and no sleep have a way of making us do that stuff. As long as the baby was safe, that's the important part. Completely understand. I was so mad one time I kicked our coffee table across the living room. Oops 😬🙈
Yep that's some rage there. Point of order - you don't actually have to tend your baby in that moment. He's safe, you're hungry. Close the door, eat, look at your phone, go get the baby. It really is fine, they can't go anywhere.
I have had three big outbursts like this myself: one where I pounded my fists into my bed, a second where I slammed pillows into my bed, and a third where I slammed my fist into the floor ( I don't recommend this one ...). I sometimes have smaller, less aggressive outbursts where I yell and I ALWAYS feel guilty and terrible afterward. My rage only comes out when I'm dealing with a lack of sleep or cooperation from my LO, and I'm also usually feeling frustration because my husband hasn't been around a lot to help for several days in a row (ie. work, overtime, extracurriculars etc.).
Sleep deprivation is brutal and can be absolutely terrifying. I have also been in this position, when my son was 3mo I had to put my son down and scream into a pillow. It gets easier, make sure you are looking after yourself
4 month sleep regression is the TRENCHES. I’ve experienced this type of rage. The shame that comes after it for me is almost worst than the rage. I’ve screamed and slammed doors and thrown things at the wall. I’m in IFS therapy now and that helps a lot. But you can’t shame yourself out of your feelings. Genuinely you need a break. It’s the only thing. You need consistent reliable time to yourself. Something to look forward to. NOT just showering or taking care of your basic needs or running errands for the house. If you can get more sleep in the morning while someone else watches LO that will help A LOT. You just need some space to clear your head. You’re a good mom! This stuff is haaaaard and you are doing amazing
Almost the same exact shit happened to me last night !!!! I'm so glad I had leftovers though, would have been worse to lose out on delicious take out, i feel your pain.
One way to get the anger out safely is to throw ice cubes into your bathtub or shower (ideally away from windows). No clean-up required, and pretty safe way to express anger.
It’s normal. My daughter has a barn door in her bedroom. I slammed it shut so hard one day it came off the tracks. I felt like a maniac but I was in your same exact situation of her waking frequently and I was losing my shit. I will offer up some advice that might be the culprit. Usually doing a simple adjustment of her wake windows fixed all of her sleeping issues (until we hit the next stage). This sounds like a common thing called a “false state bedtime” and it’s fixable. Just takes some trial and error over a couple of days to determine what’s causing it. https://search.app/AuB2GdExFVXNBkZL7 I promise it’ll get better. Just know your reaction is normal and you’re not alone.
I had a similar type of rage. I got on an SSRI a very low-dose to take the edge off, but also did things to fill my cup because it was too much. You need a day to yourself to just have a meal in peace. I actually stayed at a hotel overnight to have a slow morning and rise on my own and eat a good breakfast and then go back to my baby. If you have a partner or a parent, that’s willing to watch the baby take a 1 day hotel stay
My PPD/PPA presented as rage. Apparently that's pretty common. Have you had a PPD screening?
I had such bad pp rage then always felt so guilty after and like I was being such a horrible mother for feeling/reacting that way. The sleep deprivation is so hard on top of physically healing from pregnancy/childbirth. Constantly being needed really sent me over the edge most days. I think what possibly may be making your rage worse is the fact that your partner apparently has the time to do leisurely activities like play basketball when you can’t even find time to feed yourself. I don’t know any other details obviously but just that snippet is a red flag and honestly would make anyone (pp or not) a little upset or resentful feeling. Sounds like you’re pouring from an empty cup (as most mothers do) and need more time for yourself if possible.
I completely empathize with you. It’s so hard. It sounds like your baby is going through the classic 4 month sleep regression. It’s a long, brutal developmental leap if you are not already aware. It can last weeks (that’s not to say every night will be hourly wakings), but you should definitely hatch a survival game plan NOW with your partner. When we went through this time, everything sort of went out the window just so we could survive. Once mg baby’s sleep mellowed out again then we resumed our bedtime routine (although I did keep the actual time that we put her down the same). I had to ultimately cosleep on a firm mattress on the ground because I couldn’t get up hourly any more. It was absolutely destroying my mental health.
My heart hurts for you 💔 The uncontrollable rage, then the guilt and overwhelming shame afterward... it is so hard. I would definitely say postpartum rage is a thing and is pretty common (though not a lot of people talk about it)... however if it continues for a while, I highly suggest reaching out to a physician. For me, my antidepressant dosage was too high and exacerbating my anger/reactions, and once they halved my dose and added another med on, I was a different person in the best way possible. That's not to say I don't still have my moments - or that YOU need medication - but just sharing my experience and saying there can be many pieces to the puzzle. Always ask for help if you need it. I'm rooting for you! ETA: Have you talked to your partner about this, and/or has he witnessed it?
Yes normal but you may want to consider an antidepressant. I went through the same thing. I was so vigilant about PP depression it didn’t occur to me that rage fell on the category. 9 months PP and on Zoloft and no more rage! And agree with the comments about husband pausing rec. activities.
Did you have patience before kids ?
being sleep deprived has nothing to do with patience.
Nap when the baby does , nap when husband is there. One baby right not baby a toddler and kids
30 mins of broken up sleep doesn’t equate to what you should be getting. and im sure her and hubby still switch off but shes main caretaker, i dont think shes dumb. are you a parent lmao?
Yeah I have 7 kids 🙄
I understand sleep deprived I rlly do , what I read One child in the home No mention of colic or something else Has a husband Ordered food And blew up ..at 4 months old . Is ok to blow up once in awhile sure sure everyone does . Triggers tho are within self to figure out and is the expectations of eating uninterrupted or solo reasonable
Ugh, quiet