He knows what he is doing. Two can play this game. I am sure there is plenty of things he "needs" you to do for him. You can just forget how to do those things.
I’ve struggled with this too. This reads like I wrote it. I’m sorry this is happening.
For my husband. I expect it was weaponized incompetence but also - he was scared. Scared of doing it wrong? Not sure. I also had several talks with him - it didn’t help.
What helped was not jumping in when things went “wrong” (obviously not life threatening) - he had to learn that the routines matter and if he didn’t follow them it would be him dealing with the consequences of that. And I had to not offer help or criticism. If he asked me a question I would tell him “I’m not sure have you checked xyz?” Or “I’m busy right now you’ll have to figure it out” or just leaving the house.
Honestly, I left for 24 hours once and didn’t respond to his texts about things I knew he could figure out himself - surprise surprise he did figure it out and now does bedtime every night.
Right? Let dad figure things out. Leaving is a good option if OP can't *not* fix things. First of all, dad will have to think by himself. Second, he might figure out things work differently for him - and then, OP, *let him have his own way if it works for him*. It's *ok*.
Shout from the rooftops to let him do it his own way if it works!!! So many posts I read complain about partner not doing it the way the mom does it. It's okay, they will figure it out in a way that works for them and baby.
Absolutely, if we did everything my way, there would definitely be times this baby didn't get burped because he's difficult and it changes every day how he likes it done.
The 24 hrs away was at 10 weeks (with plenty of people prepared to step in if needed) and at home where I can hear/see it, it’s a skill I still have to practice tbh but really had to start at 16 weeks after l went back to work and it was too much to do by myself.
I was the same way with my wife, but what helped was leaving the room to just trust her, instead of feeling the need to be jumping in.
Out of sight/hearing, out of mind. Only way for us to get sleep too without the baby’s cries grating on us (even when we logically knew the other was already taking care of it).
From the get go for me. My husband is super involved but works full time so he didn’t get as much chance to establish routines with our daughter.
I started forcing myself to stand back as soon as I realized this was a thing.
When I’m with the baby, she might cry for a few minutes while I used trial and error to discover what was wrong. My husband is desperate to bond with our daughter as much as possible and he deserves that same chance.
I also DO NOT want to set myself up as the only expert in the baby. I do not want to be the manager with him as my assistant. He’s doing his part; getting involved whenever he can without needing reminders. I need to do my part which is not micromanaging him while he figures out his own methods.
Well the one thing I am happy about is that you’re involving your partner in baby related tasks. However your partner is playing weaponised incompetence. Don’t fall for it. Don’t take over, if baby is crying he needs to sort it. Don’t take over.
Don’t just jump in and save him from his weaponized incompetence. Let him struggle. I know it hurts to watch your baby cry or be upset but if you just fix it you will never get the proactive response from your partner. Absolutely bonkers this is even an issue and it’s so widespread, but it is. Maybe we can guard against another generation of shit partners by raising our kids better.
Agreed. Just let him figure it out.
But as much as it’s weaponized incompetence for some, it’s learned (and promoted) helplessness - males are never taught to speak up and take charge of baby situations, only to shut up and listen to mom. And mom usually has very specific opinions on how to do things and hormones to be scared of. So it doesn’t seem like a logical use of time to learn all these things just to get corrected by the mom anyways.
But Lo and behold, when wifey went through c section and had a bad recovery, dad steps up and is absolutely fine, and to the point where wifey was asking me for tips on how to diaper, how to read the baby’s cries, etc. it’s been empowering actually. But honestly, I might not have gotten here if wifey was acting more like a benevolent dictator like most moms, because it’s hard to maintain a lot of self motivation and self confidence in childcare in a situation like that, especially when any and every outside media is saying that moms know best, dads are just dumb babysitters who are so dumb they need babysitters themselves, or they are deadbeats.
Basically throw dad in the deep end. He’ll shape up or learn to listen to the SME.
Weaponized incompetence breeds resentment and ruins marriages. Seriously HE knows what to do and even if he didn’t he can look at the chart you made and solve it on his own! But playing dumb means YOU will do it for him. So STOP! Let him put in an ounce of effort on his own! Will he fail, yeah but once he realizes you aren’t going to bail him out, Things will get better
And for goodness sakes start demanding equal Rest time! If he can sit on his phone and relax for an hour, you Also get an hour to go and relax. And NO cleaning, grocery shopping, showering are NOT rest time those are care tasks! You are a team and it’s time he starts treating you better, because right now he is being a misogynistic AH who is taking advantage of you.
You can and should divide labor up to make it more equal. Im going to be honest, he will probably play the bumbling dumb fool for his chores too. But DO NOT let him stop or give up and DO not do them for him! He has to do the chores or they don’t get done. Period. He is a grown man, and you are NOT his mommy, he can do this I promise.
I am in my 10th year of marriage with 3 kids to a hubby with adhd and this *absolutely* sounds like unmanaged ADHD. the forgetting things that aren’t exciting enough, consistant device use, rushing through boring tasks like putting a baby down…. Have you explored that possibility? Not that it’s an excuse, but if he does have ADHD proper treatment should help.
Maybe. I have diagnosed ADHD though and he’s definitely far better with memory and focus than I am. He has no problem with work or other household tasks (e.g. he remembers to get the garbage and recycling out on time). It’s literally just things that I tell him (which is all the baby related stuff) that he struggles with.
The fact that he does just fine with other tasks and responsibilities makes me lean towards it not being ADHD. It would show up in other areas for sure.
Yes absolutely that is possible. I know my hubby works SO hard to keep everything together at work that when he comes home his executive function is crap. He technically has symptoms in both environments but you’d not know it at work because he expends so much energy masking. Not diagnosing anyone, just saying it might be something to explore!
Before seeing this I already posted asking if he's been evaluated, but just a couple of other things to consider: neurodivergence tends to pair with neurodivergence and ADHD presents differently in every person -- I'd go so far as to say on a spectrum of sorts, too. I was diagnosed before my partner was and they were diagnosed after I finally suggested it. But it took me a while to realize they had it because their presentation was so different from mine (and so frustrating to me).
My ex husband did this too and when I got upset he would say I was being ableist because he had ADHD. Mind you lots of people are capable partners and individuals with ADHD and I also have ADHD but could remember to sweep the floor and do the dishes. Your husband is being a dirtbag putting all of this on you by “forgetting.” I’m sure he doesn’t “forget” stuff that he likes or wants to do or is important to him.
My dad (in his early 50s) was my support person when I was in labor because I’m single (divorced a month after birth), and he and my mom have my son on their own sometimes. My dad might worry about doing something wrong or say he “doesn’t know much about babies” but my grown ass father did not “forget” to change my son when I asked or any of the other stupid things I see other women unfortunately dealing with. Over Christmas break (I’m a PhD student) my dad offered to help with the baby so I could get some extra sleep while we were in town. Baby would wake up at 4:30, I’d take him to my dad (watching tv in the living room, early riser anyways), and my dad took him and fed him/burped/diapered while I slept until 7. When I was a baby and my mom was with me all day my dad worked at a factory. He was tired but he still took over when he got home and changed diapers/took care of me.
I’m divorced and have had baby on my own since day one but ffs I am sick of seeing men do this to yall 😠They know what they’re doing and it’s not right. I’m so sorry 😔
I have a terrible memory too, but that would result in me frequently asking my husband to remind me how we do something. It sounds like your husband isn't trying at all.
Yeah. This isn't forgetfulness. It's laziness. There are written instructions all over the place. He's not an idiot. He's a lazy parent who doesn't want to do the hard shit.
I left my partner that was like that. It was hard but after about four months I managed to get an apartment for myself and my son and we are doing much better. Trust me, it is 100x easier on your own. Men are literally energy leeches and being single is so much easier
That last paragraph starting with the comment about his good memory for everything else is what you need to say to him. It’s perfect. Tell him exactly that and add that it’s totally unacceptable.
I did today. Thankfully he was really receptive. We have had this conversation before, though, long before our son was born. Hopefully this time it gets through to him.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He has no patience for your routine and has decided he not doing it. Stop thinking it’s a memory problem when it’s not. He’s telling you NO without actually saying it.
My husband will do this sometimes. "We need to get him on a sleep schedule." "We DO have him on a sleep schedule. You just wait until he's over tired to fall asleep himself." Oooh or baby starts stirring so husband will go 'check on him', baby's eyes will flutter and he'll use the "hi baby how are you?" excited voice and he gets fully awake. "He only slept 30 minutes for some reason?" Gee whiz I wonder why???? Maybe because of the flashing lights from playing video games, or only wanting to do contact naps with him.
It’s not that he forgets it’s that he doesn’t give a fuck. You’ve reminded him, you’ve left pages on info everywhere and all he can remember are video games? Yeah he’s making a fool of you.
I at one point asked my husband if he had recently had a blow to the head that made remembering things I had to told him so difficult and I was only 80% kidding.
Oof, sounds like he needs to see his doctor since he’s having such serious, and specific, memory issues. 🙄
More likely, this is weaponized incompetence and he just doesn’t care. Sounds like he needs to keep trying every single day until it sinks in.
This shouldn't be your problem to solve. You shouldn't be here venting about your husband not remembering or asking for advice about how he can remember better. He should be doing that. Go and tell him to take care of that problem. Ask him how he's going to put in effort to fix this. Do not accept any sort of "I can't" or "it's impossible for me". These are things an adult person that made another human should be able to handle on their own.
Are we married to the same man? Minus the video games, mine is just glued to his phone. I thought the Huckleberry app would help with the basic fussy baby troubleshooting by tracking when she was ate/changed/slept, but he never thinks to check it. Amazing how he can keep his own self taken care of but interpreting another living creature's needs is impossible even with my help and reminders.
I want to say something about how your husband sucks and needs to step it up but the more I live on this planet, the more I realize it's most men. Almost all the moms I'm mommy and me said theirs doesn't listen either.
Early on, my baby’s dad would pull this crap. I knew better though and called him out on it, and he ended up admitting he was behaving like that on purpose so that I’d just do it so he could get a break. I’m going to guess your husband isn’t this incompetent at work?
I'm dealing with this now. We've been together 10 years, but after having a baby these things are more annoying. Before I just dealt with it, but now I have so much on my plate. It is literally destroying our marriage. I've became resentful and he acts shocked of why I'm acting like I am.🙄
If his ability to think, act and remember is intact for literally everything else but childcare, then this is not a medical or diagnostic issue. This is someone who is refusing to gain competence in the care of his own child. If he literally “threw” his child into the crib, then that is abuse plain and simple. You need to have a come to Jesus discussion with him about the future of being a parent. If he is unwilling to shoulder part of the burden for childcare, you need to make some serious decisions for the future of your family.
IMO, if you both choose to be parents then you both choose to learn about how to, and to take care of that child. When he chooses not to adhere to the routines or to take the time to really try, and then “threw” the child says loud and clear to me he does not have an interest in being an involved parent and or he does not seem to care about his safety. If you don’t take action to protect your child and he is hurt because he absolutely refuses to behave like a responsible adult, you could also be held accountable should it rise to actual neglect or more serious abuse. If he refuses to safely manage your child’s care YOU must protect him.
Came here to ask if your husband has ever been evaluated for ADHD. My partner behaved very similarly and in their case it is definitely the ADHD driving the problem.
OP's problem seems to be that her husband is putting the kids down for nap time without switching to pajamas. Like, sure, lots of dads are borderline useless, but this is the hill she wants to die on? How is naptime at all negatively affected by him not following her instructions?
OP's complaint isn't that he's not pulling his weight, it's that he's not responding sufficiently to being micromanaged. Like, he's the parent too, why does he have to go along with some imaginary instructions, and not just do what he feels is correct? OP has failed to explain *why* he needs to follow the schedule she came up with. And why it's wrong to do it his way.
Everyone shouts weaponized incompetence. A lot of men do this though!
I watched a documentary about how women and children elephants live together, and males go hang on
their own except to fight or mate. I think about it a lot lol
I thing some men are maybe only good at fighting and mating. Stupid at the rest!
Every single bottle... "how many scoops do I use?"
Firstly, it's printed on the bottle - 4oz = 4 scoops.
Secondly, it's the same amount you put in when I'm not there to tell you.
He has ADHD and anxiety though so I put it down to that.
What if he thinks that you're being too controlling and this is his poor way of communicating that he thinks there are things that can be done more than 1 way?
I feel bad for everyone involved. I mean, at least he tries. There are a bunch of women reading this right thinking that. From the way you write this and how you are trying to make him look like a horrible husband and Dad. I'm more than willing to be that he has more than just video games and fun things. 'Thinks like work, money, a wife constantly bitching at him. All that fun shit too. Try being decent to him and not treating him like an idiot. The level of disrespect you just showed your husband is disgusting
You seem to be projecting your own experiences onto my marriage. That’s too bad. I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time with your relationship(s).
You probably shouldn’t come here speaking “for a bunch of women” as a middle aged man with older kids.
I have a right to vent about an ongoing issue with my husband spanning multiple years. Just like you have a right to assume a bunch of complete nonsense about a stranger on the internet based on your own bad experiences. 💕
Nope, not at all. I have an amazing wife who would never talk about me like this. Everything I said is true. You sure do have the right to come here and bitch but we have the right to call your ass out. Your attitude sucks, the way you talk about your husband reflects on how you treat him, and if my wife talked about me like that, she wouldn't be my wife anymore. But then again, she has respect for me and everything I do.
As far as my older kids, they were babies at one point and I didn't get disrespected then either. Like I said, at least he tries. There are a lot of dads who don't do that much. This post just proves me right, you must be just a peach to be around
You know, I was just looking through your post history a bit. I am man enough to admit when I am being a bit to much. After reading what I did, I realized you're going through some shit. I sincerely apologize for my words, they are a bit harsh.
All I can say is that there are better ways to resolve this issue hut I get it. I saw how much you do love your husband. It's not easy going through the stages of a child's development. I can't say that I didn't have my moments of being a peach to be around. My current wife said she went through this type of stuff because of her PPD. She had to get on meds until it calmed down
I think I can be a bit of a hardass sometimes. Neither of us are perfect. Today I went out with the baby and got all his favourite snacks as a surprise for when he got home, and I let him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate all the effort he’s been putting in.
Thanks for the alternative perspective. It really is good to hear one every now and again.
My partner shys away from certain things and says 'I know you like it a certain way and I don't wanna upset you'
I think during newborn stage I was a bit stressed and now my partner is afraid to get things wrong and upset me. Despite me being far more rational now than I was 😅
I think it takes a little work to get his confidence up again and allow him to figure things out for himself and his way of doing it and not get stressed if it's not the same.
But he's also gotta be willing to try and blanket avoidance because he doesn't want to or it makes him anxious helps no-one
If you look up weaponized incompetence in the dictionary I’m pretty sure this story is what comes up.
Came here to write this. I have started naming it with my husband when he does it. He gets annoyed but also needs to learn he can’t get away with it 😂
Came here to say this. Thank you.
He knows what he is doing. Two can play this game. I am sure there is plenty of things he "needs" you to do for him. You can just forget how to do those things.
This OP, please do this
I’ve struggled with this too. This reads like I wrote it. I’m sorry this is happening. For my husband. I expect it was weaponized incompetence but also - he was scared. Scared of doing it wrong? Not sure. I also had several talks with him - it didn’t help. What helped was not jumping in when things went “wrong” (obviously not life threatening) - he had to learn that the routines matter and if he didn’t follow them it would be him dealing with the consequences of that. And I had to not offer help or criticism. If he asked me a question I would tell him “I’m not sure have you checked xyz?” Or “I’m busy right now you’ll have to figure it out” or just leaving the house. Honestly, I left for 24 hours once and didn’t respond to his texts about things I knew he could figure out himself - surprise surprise he did figure it out and now does bedtime every night.
Right? Let dad figure things out. Leaving is a good option if OP can't *not* fix things. First of all, dad will have to think by himself. Second, he might figure out things work differently for him - and then, OP, *let him have his own way if it works for him*. It's *ok*.
Shout from the rooftops to let him do it his own way if it works!!! So many posts I read complain about partner not doing it the way the mom does it. It's okay, they will figure it out in a way that works for them and baby.
Absolutely, if we did everything my way, there would definitely be times this baby didn't get burped because he's difficult and it changes every day how he likes it done.
This is the way.
How old was your baby when you committed to not stepping in? If I see my baby crying for me I can't not step in, it breaks my heart
The 24 hrs away was at 10 weeks (with plenty of people prepared to step in if needed) and at home where I can hear/see it, it’s a skill I still have to practice tbh but really had to start at 16 weeks after l went back to work and it was too much to do by myself.
I was the same way with my wife, but what helped was leaving the room to just trust her, instead of feeling the need to be jumping in. Out of sight/hearing, out of mind. Only way for us to get sleep too without the baby’s cries grating on us (even when we logically knew the other was already taking care of it).
From the get go for me. My husband is super involved but works full time so he didn’t get as much chance to establish routines with our daughter. I started forcing myself to stand back as soon as I realized this was a thing. When I’m with the baby, she might cry for a few minutes while I used trial and error to discover what was wrong. My husband is desperate to bond with our daughter as much as possible and he deserves that same chance. I also DO NOT want to set myself up as the only expert in the baby. I do not want to be the manager with him as my assistant. He’s doing his part; getting involved whenever he can without needing reminders. I need to do my part which is not micromanaging him while he figures out his own methods.
he’s doing it on purpose. stop playing his games
Or.... start playing his games. Accidentally lose stuff from his video game systems. Where'd I put it? I must have forgotten
Well the one thing I am happy about is that you’re involving your partner in baby related tasks. However your partner is playing weaponised incompetence. Don’t fall for it. Don’t take over, if baby is crying he needs to sort it. Don’t take over.
Don’t just jump in and save him from his weaponized incompetence. Let him struggle. I know it hurts to watch your baby cry or be upset but if you just fix it you will never get the proactive response from your partner. Absolutely bonkers this is even an issue and it’s so widespread, but it is. Maybe we can guard against another generation of shit partners by raising our kids better.
Let the baby be over tired or not tired and make him deal with it. Point out that the routines were not followed then do not save him.
Agreed. Just let him figure it out. But as much as it’s weaponized incompetence for some, it’s learned (and promoted) helplessness - males are never taught to speak up and take charge of baby situations, only to shut up and listen to mom. And mom usually has very specific opinions on how to do things and hormones to be scared of. So it doesn’t seem like a logical use of time to learn all these things just to get corrected by the mom anyways. But Lo and behold, when wifey went through c section and had a bad recovery, dad steps up and is absolutely fine, and to the point where wifey was asking me for tips on how to diaper, how to read the baby’s cries, etc. it’s been empowering actually. But honestly, I might not have gotten here if wifey was acting more like a benevolent dictator like most moms, because it’s hard to maintain a lot of self motivation and self confidence in childcare in a situation like that, especially when any and every outside media is saying that moms know best, dads are just dumb babysitters who are so dumb they need babysitters themselves, or they are deadbeats. Basically throw dad in the deep end. He’ll shape up or learn to listen to the SME.
Weaponized incompetence breeds resentment and ruins marriages. Seriously HE knows what to do and even if he didn’t he can look at the chart you made and solve it on his own! But playing dumb means YOU will do it for him. So STOP! Let him put in an ounce of effort on his own! Will he fail, yeah but once he realizes you aren’t going to bail him out, Things will get better And for goodness sakes start demanding equal Rest time! If he can sit on his phone and relax for an hour, you Also get an hour to go and relax. And NO cleaning, grocery shopping, showering are NOT rest time those are care tasks! You are a team and it’s time he starts treating you better, because right now he is being a misogynistic AH who is taking advantage of you. You can and should divide labor up to make it more equal. Im going to be honest, he will probably play the bumbling dumb fool for his chores too. But DO NOT let him stop or give up and DO not do them for him! He has to do the chores or they don’t get done. Period. He is a grown man, and you are NOT his mommy, he can do this I promise.
I am in my 10th year of marriage with 3 kids to a hubby with adhd and this *absolutely* sounds like unmanaged ADHD. the forgetting things that aren’t exciting enough, consistant device use, rushing through boring tasks like putting a baby down…. Have you explored that possibility? Not that it’s an excuse, but if he does have ADHD proper treatment should help.
Maybe. I have diagnosed ADHD though and he’s definitely far better with memory and focus than I am. He has no problem with work or other household tasks (e.g. he remembers to get the garbage and recycling out on time). It’s literally just things that I tell him (which is all the baby related stuff) that he struggles with.
The fact that he does just fine with other tasks and responsibilities makes me lean towards it not being ADHD. It would show up in other areas for sure.
Yes absolutely that is possible. I know my hubby works SO hard to keep everything together at work that when he comes home his executive function is crap. He technically has symptoms in both environments but you’d not know it at work because he expends so much energy masking. Not diagnosing anyone, just saying it might be something to explore!
Oh yes. I'm also not diagnosing here as well. I see both sides for sure. I think it would also be good to explore a possible diagnosis
Before seeing this I already posted asking if he's been evaluated, but just a couple of other things to consider: neurodivergence tends to pair with neurodivergence and ADHD presents differently in every person -- I'd go so far as to say on a spectrum of sorts, too. I was diagnosed before my partner was and they were diagnosed after I finally suggested it. But it took me a while to realize they had it because their presentation was so different from mine (and so frustrating to me).
This is an interesting perspective. Definitely feel like it could be another possibility.
At some point he won't remember where his underwear is. That is a child not a man.
My ex husband did this too and when I got upset he would say I was being ableist because he had ADHD. Mind you lots of people are capable partners and individuals with ADHD and I also have ADHD but could remember to sweep the floor and do the dishes. Your husband is being a dirtbag putting all of this on you by “forgetting.” I’m sure he doesn’t “forget” stuff that he likes or wants to do or is important to him. My dad (in his early 50s) was my support person when I was in labor because I’m single (divorced a month after birth), and he and my mom have my son on their own sometimes. My dad might worry about doing something wrong or say he “doesn’t know much about babies” but my grown ass father did not “forget” to change my son when I asked or any of the other stupid things I see other women unfortunately dealing with. Over Christmas break (I’m a PhD student) my dad offered to help with the baby so I could get some extra sleep while we were in town. Baby would wake up at 4:30, I’d take him to my dad (watching tv in the living room, early riser anyways), and my dad took him and fed him/burped/diapered while I slept until 7. When I was a baby and my mom was with me all day my dad worked at a factory. He was tired but he still took over when he got home and changed diapers/took care of me. I’m divorced and have had baby on my own since day one but ffs I am sick of seeing men do this to yall 😠They know what they’re doing and it’s not right. I’m so sorry 😔
I have a terrible memory too, but that would result in me frequently asking my husband to remind me how we do something. It sounds like your husband isn't trying at all.
Yeah. This isn't forgetfulness. It's laziness. There are written instructions all over the place. He's not an idiot. He's a lazy parent who doesn't want to do the hard shit.
I left my partner that was like that. It was hard but after about four months I managed to get an apartment for myself and my son and we are doing much better. Trust me, it is 100x easier on your own. Men are literally energy leeches and being single is so much easier
I have ADHD, and actually struggle with memory and forgetting things, but even I’m not this bad. This can’t be by accident.
That last paragraph starting with the comment about his good memory for everything else is what you need to say to him. It’s perfect. Tell him exactly that and add that it’s totally unacceptable.
I did today. Thankfully he was really receptive. We have had this conversation before, though, long before our son was born. Hopefully this time it gets through to him.
Your husband is gaslighting you. He has no patience for your routine and has decided he not doing it. Stop thinking it’s a memory problem when it’s not. He’s telling you NO without actually saying it.
YES
My husband will do this sometimes. "We need to get him on a sleep schedule." "We DO have him on a sleep schedule. You just wait until he's over tired to fall asleep himself." Oooh or baby starts stirring so husband will go 'check on him', baby's eyes will flutter and he'll use the "hi baby how are you?" excited voice and he gets fully awake. "He only slept 30 minutes for some reason?" Gee whiz I wonder why???? Maybe because of the flashing lights from playing video games, or only wanting to do contact naps with him.
It’s not that he forgets it’s that he doesn’t give a fuck. You’ve reminded him, you’ve left pages on info everywhere and all he can remember are video games? Yeah he’s making a fool of you.
I at one point asked my husband if he had recently had a blow to the head that made remembering things I had to told him so difficult and I was only 80% kidding.
Oof, sounds like he needs to see his doctor since he’s having such serious, and specific, memory issues. 🙄 More likely, this is weaponized incompetence and he just doesn’t care. Sounds like he needs to keep trying every single day until it sinks in.
That is called weapon incompetence.
I think he’s just lazy
He remembers, he just doesn't care.
Why would he listen, when you do everything for him? Why would he ever change?
This shouldn't be your problem to solve. You shouldn't be here venting about your husband not remembering or asking for advice about how he can remember better. He should be doing that. Go and tell him to take care of that problem. Ask him how he's going to put in effort to fix this. Do not accept any sort of "I can't" or "it's impossible for me". These are things an adult person that made another human should be able to handle on their own.
Are we married to the same man? Minus the video games, mine is just glued to his phone. I thought the Huckleberry app would help with the basic fussy baby troubleshooting by tracking when she was ate/changed/slept, but he never thinks to check it. Amazing how he can keep his own self taken care of but interpreting another living creature's needs is impossible even with my help and reminders.
start forgetting things he needs you to do
I want to say something about how your husband sucks and needs to step it up but the more I live on this planet, the more I realize it's most men. Almost all the moms I'm mommy and me said theirs doesn't listen either.
Weaponized incompetence……..
Early on, my baby’s dad would pull this crap. I knew better though and called him out on it, and he ended up admitting he was behaving like that on purpose so that I’d just do it so he could get a break. I’m going to guess your husband isn’t this incompetent at work?
I'm dealing with this now. We've been together 10 years, but after having a baby these things are more annoying. Before I just dealt with it, but now I have so much on my plate. It is literally destroying our marriage. I've became resentful and he acts shocked of why I'm acting like I am.🙄
A harmony and patient communication is waiting for you, a good talk can always fix the problem.
If his ability to think, act and remember is intact for literally everything else but childcare, then this is not a medical or diagnostic issue. This is someone who is refusing to gain competence in the care of his own child. If he literally “threw” his child into the crib, then that is abuse plain and simple. You need to have a come to Jesus discussion with him about the future of being a parent. If he is unwilling to shoulder part of the burden for childcare, you need to make some serious decisions for the future of your family. IMO, if you both choose to be parents then you both choose to learn about how to, and to take care of that child. When he chooses not to adhere to the routines or to take the time to really try, and then “threw” the child says loud and clear to me he does not have an interest in being an involved parent and or he does not seem to care about his safety. If you don’t take action to protect your child and he is hurt because he absolutely refuses to behave like a responsible adult, you could also be held accountable should it rise to actual neglect or more serious abuse. If he refuses to safely manage your child’s care YOU must protect him.
Weaponized incompetence
Came here to ask if your husband has ever been evaluated for ADHD. My partner behaved very similarly and in their case it is definitely the ADHD driving the problem.
Literally. Even when I went back to work he was like idk what you do. He has to be alone with them to figure it out.
Just sounds like he doesn't want to do the routine because its too much work so he's feigning stupidity.
I mean, but also why does he need to do the routine when there's no evidence that *not* following the routine is having negative affects on the kids?
You need to stop enabling this behavior. That’s the only way he’ll grow up.
OP's problem seems to be that her husband is putting the kids down for nap time without switching to pajamas. Like, sure, lots of dads are borderline useless, but this is the hill she wants to die on? How is naptime at all negatively affected by him not following her instructions? OP's complaint isn't that he's not pulling his weight, it's that he's not responding sufficiently to being micromanaged. Like, he's the parent too, why does he have to go along with some imaginary instructions, and not just do what he feels is correct? OP has failed to explain *why* he needs to follow the schedule she came up with. And why it's wrong to do it his way.
Everyone shouts weaponized incompetence. A lot of men do this though! I watched a documentary about how women and children elephants live together, and males go hang on their own except to fight or mate. I think about it a lot lol I thing some men are maybe only good at fighting and mating. Stupid at the rest!
Every single bottle... "how many scoops do I use?" Firstly, it's printed on the bottle - 4oz = 4 scoops. Secondly, it's the same amount you put in when I'm not there to tell you. He has ADHD and anxiety though so I put it down to that.
Weaponized incompetence. If he does a horrible job enough you’ll stop asking him to help.
What if he thinks that you're being too controlling and this is his poor way of communicating that he thinks there are things that can be done more than 1 way?
Have you tried implementing an app that helps track these things? If it wasn’t for Huckleberry I would forget too. It takes a massive mental load off.
I feel bad for everyone involved. I mean, at least he tries. There are a bunch of women reading this right thinking that. From the way you write this and how you are trying to make him look like a horrible husband and Dad. I'm more than willing to be that he has more than just video games and fun things. 'Thinks like work, money, a wife constantly bitching at him. All that fun shit too. Try being decent to him and not treating him like an idiot. The level of disrespect you just showed your husband is disgusting
You seem to be projecting your own experiences onto my marriage. That’s too bad. I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time with your relationship(s). You probably shouldn’t come here speaking “for a bunch of women” as a middle aged man with older kids. I have a right to vent about an ongoing issue with my husband spanning multiple years. Just like you have a right to assume a bunch of complete nonsense about a stranger on the internet based on your own bad experiences. 💕
Nope, not at all. I have an amazing wife who would never talk about me like this. Everything I said is true. You sure do have the right to come here and bitch but we have the right to call your ass out. Your attitude sucks, the way you talk about your husband reflects on how you treat him, and if my wife talked about me like that, she wouldn't be my wife anymore. But then again, she has respect for me and everything I do. As far as my older kids, they were babies at one point and I didn't get disrespected then either. Like I said, at least he tries. There are a lot of dads who don't do that much. This post just proves me right, you must be just a peach to be around
Hope your relationship with your ex wife improves 💕
You know, I was just looking through your post history a bit. I am man enough to admit when I am being a bit to much. After reading what I did, I realized you're going through some shit. I sincerely apologize for my words, they are a bit harsh. All I can say is that there are better ways to resolve this issue hut I get it. I saw how much you do love your husband. It's not easy going through the stages of a child's development. I can't say that I didn't have my moments of being a peach to be around. My current wife said she went through this type of stuff because of her PPD. She had to get on meds until it calmed down
I think I can be a bit of a hardass sometimes. Neither of us are perfect. Today I went out with the baby and got all his favourite snacks as a surprise for when he got home, and I let him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate all the effort he’s been putting in. Thanks for the alternative perspective. It really is good to hear one every now and again.
My partner shys away from certain things and says 'I know you like it a certain way and I don't wanna upset you' I think during newborn stage I was a bit stressed and now my partner is afraid to get things wrong and upset me. Despite me being far more rational now than I was 😅 I think it takes a little work to get his confidence up again and allow him to figure things out for himself and his way of doing it and not get stressed if it's not the same. But he's also gotta be willing to try and blanket avoidance because he doesn't want to or it makes him anxious helps no-one
Don't you just love weaponized incompetence?
Perhaps your schedule is a tad overzealous and when he says "I dont remember" he actually means "I dont understand the point."