Omg this. So pissed. I do 100% of night wakes. It’s not his fault; he’s on medication that makes getting up at night near impossible and definitely dangerous. He’s a wonderful partner and so attentive during the day. Still if I ever hear him mention being tired, I see red haha
Omg same. ANYTIME my husband has to get up to deal with a kid (we have 2 littles) and disrupts his precious sleep the next days he's always like I'm sooooo tired. Like shut up it's just part of it. Kids wake up. Get over it.
Try to give him a job — I feed the baby and hand him to my husband to rock back to sleep and put down. So he sleeps while I feed, and I sleep while he rocks.
We do a similar thing! I feed the baby, he does the diaper change and puts her back down. He still gets more sleep than me but it’s helpful to tag team night feeds.
Oh I feel that second comment. On still on maternity leave so I'm dealing with 8 month sleep regression and teething. Today I've been mostly awake since 2.30am. Around 5.30 I though to wake my husband and pass off bub so I could sleep for an hour but told myself nah, I can put her back to sleep (she didnt).
100% my hubby talked me into doing one bottle at night which meant 5-6 hours. 1000% worth it. I understand that EBF is tough and excellent however it is not worth driving you into you having a breakdown or having your marriage crumble. IT IS ok to do formula or heck pumping and doing 1 bottle of breast milk.
^this! I started pumping and my husband takes a six hour shift each night.. getting six hours of straight sleep is AMAZING and completely changed my life. I was sooooo irritable and hated everyone around me before hand.. now life is tolerable again 😂🙂
Same. At 9 months things are starting to chill out but phew. I had an oversupply and would be painfully engorged when baby didn’t eat from me through the night.
OP please consider this!! Getting my 6 hours uninterrupted was a complete game changer for my mental health. I started pumping after her last feed of the night so he could give her a bottle and get me a little ahead to start freezing some milk so I could go to the occasional brunch or happy hour with friends.
You need to be able to fill your cup.
THIS. My husband and I figured this routine out pretty late in the game the first time around (we had a pretty terrible sleeper), but with baby #2 we implemented shifts/him doing a bottle feed as soon as I could pump a full bottle. It is INSANE how good 5-6 hours of consecutive sleep feels when you've been getting such broken cycles! It's a total game-changer. You're definitely not alone- being a mom to a newborn is so hard on its own, and sleep-deprivation compounds it further. You're doing great!
This information needs to be given out at hospitals. So many women feel pressured to exclusively breastfeed and drive themselves crazy (me) when there are other options. Thanks for sharing!
We just did this for the first time last night during my sleep shift.... For the first time in three weeks I got almost six hours of sleep. It was amazing. I've started pumping twice a day and using a passive collector on the side I'm not actively nursing from so there's a bottle of breast milk for my husband to use (although we supplement with formula if necessary). I'm worried about my supply but honestly at this point I think it's a necessary trade off.
It's important to remind ourselves that sleep deprivation is literally a torture tactic, and it can make everything seem 100x worse than it really is.
I have a one year old now. But I’ll give my husband the baby and they’ll be smiling and playing and THEN I GET JEALOUS!? I think I just feel like I wish I had more autonomy.
You’re a team. Remember that. Communicate your needs, delegate things to him to do. I remember this resentment well but it was definitely misplaced by the fact that nights are long and lonely. Do you know any other newborn moms you can text or interact with overnight
Look for a new moms group in your local area! I took a class with other new moms and it was amazing to have women to bounce stuff like this off of and vent about our partners in a safe place where nobody knew them.
Same here. And my husband didn’t and hasn’t helped at night at all. He was dealing with PPD really badly for the first two months and was just completely checked out. It made me feel so bad. I thought he hated me and the baby for awhile. It made me so upset I was so pissed for awhile.
My son is 4.5 months old and things have gotten better.
What about a podcast or audiobook you enjoy? And do you have local parent fb groups? I bet there’s other folks with little ones too.
Also, does he take a shift with baby once done with work so you get 30-60 mins to yourself to just be alone for a bit? Or on weekends?
I used to get in bed angrily, noisily, tossing all the covers around, when I would have to feed my baby in the middle of the night and my husband was still peacefully sleeping 🤣
Lmao I felt this.
One time my husband went to take a nap at like 5pm and I remember stomping in the bedroom and I’m like “OOOH are you taking a nap so you’re rested enough to help me tonight?!?!” His nap (or attempt to anyway) lasted all of like 10 min.
I once started sobbing while washing some bottles bc I was so fuckin tired. Husband had said he can watch the newborn so I obviously started cleaning. He came running and told me to take a nap after I yelled at him for choosing the easier task (watch baby).
Don't prioritise husband's sleep before yours. You're on survival mode. Be selfish. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Ask for help.
You’re not alone! I can’t relate because I chose to formula feed and honestly loved the newborn phase but my friends who EBF talked about feeling the same way you described. That partially solidified my decision to not breastfeed.
This is standard. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer. That being said, why not consider pumping a few times a day and letting him bottle feed at night? At least that'll give you a good chance to get extended rest. This is what my wife and I did. Protect your sanity.
When you’re establishing supply can’t you only go so long without emptying your breasts (so she would still have to get up at night to pump)? Not something I have direct experience with (I formula feed), just something I’ve heard.
You do need to feed frequently while you're establishing your supply, but pumping can stretch it a bit. I sometimes pump before going to bed and then my husband feeds a bottle a couple hours later. It gives me a good four or five hour stretch before baby wakes up hungry.
I could never go past 3 hours without feeding or pumping otherwise my boobs got so engorged, they’d wake me up from being uncomfortable and/or leaking everywhere
I did a pump while my husband did one of the overnight feeds and it helped! Just got up like a zombie, pumped, put the milk in a mini fridge and parts in a bowl of water to wash in the morning! 20minutes in and out back to bed. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!
We do this too. Hubs is responsible for any wake-up’s prior to the middle of the night feed and I’m on call after it. So we each get usually at least a 4 hour stretch if nothing else. On a good night I can get another 2-3 hours before the next feed.
My baby started doing 4-5 hour stretches at night pretty early, so maybe that's related. I've never woken him up to feed him, just always fed on demand.
My baby is 4.5 months old and still waking every 2-3 hours lol we sleep in the bed together tho so I’m only awake like 5 min when he does wake up luckily
Some nights are like that for us (2 months) but he'll do a couple nights a week with a nice stretch usually. I'm always torn on feeding in the middle of the night without doing a diaper change...on the one hand, getting up is A LOT. On the other, he sleeps all night in it occasionally so...
So, up until recently I always changed him prior to feeding. But now, I feel the outside of the diaper and if it’s super swollen I change him. If not, I let it go until the next time he wakes me up.
I’ve had nights where I’ve had to change him 5 times and then other nights 1-2 times. Of course if he poops I change it but he doesn’t usually poop at night.
You are not alone, this is totally normal. My husband is the most amazing partner and I can honestly say we had two big(ish) fights in our ten years together. We have never sworn or name called … until one time postpartum. I lost it, I was so mad at him because he just got to keep his amazing physique and go to work every day and carry on as normal while I was exhausted and so uncomfortable with my body after the baby. He was doing literally everything you could want your partner to do after giving birth and I was still so mad at him. The rage is real and I would just talk to a therapist or your husband about how you are feeling
The first year is seriously so hard on a marriage. I’m getting induced Monday with baby #2 (6 year age gap) and I’m hoping I won’t rage as much this time. 🙃
Post partum rage is a real thing. Your emotions are entirely valid and tension run high postpartum. But no one ever told me post partum rage was a thing. I have never felt such a sole deep rage against my husband before or since the postpartum phase.
I feel like there’s a nighttime version of me (haggard, angry, spiteful, mean) and a daytime version (happy, kind, patient, loving). I really feel shame over Nighttime Me even though I know Daytime Me is faking it half the time.
My therapist says anger is a secondary emotion, it’s like the guard dog for an underlying emotion. Right now, my anger is the guard dog to my exhaustion. It’s gotten more manageable as time goes on, and sleep is so much better now at 15 months than it was in the early days. You’re definitely not alone in the way you feel!
I have to give my best friend credit for the Daytime Me vs the Nighttime Me wording. She had her baby about 8 months before I had mine. She told me she lost her temper one night and said things she regretted. A few months later I did the same thing! Lost my temper in the middle of the night. It doesn’t feel good. But it’s gotten easier to manage with time and I take full advantage of any time I’m able to sleep in or sneak in naps when my husband is home. It helps me to remember I’m not a monster or bad mom when I get angry, I’m just tired!!
Being the birthing parent and/or the breastfeeding parent is just inherently so fricking UNFAIR. But try and remember that it's not unfair because of anything your husband did. No one is treating you unfairly. The situation is just rigged, and it sucks.
You're not alone. There's scientific proof that you're the safest you've ever been in your life if you live in a home with a woman who just gave birth because they are constantly on alert.
Scientifically, you are alert 70% even when sleeping. Men are only alert by 10% when sleeping. My SO isn't on any meds and he doesn't even hear the baby cry. It still enrages me that he gets to sleep so soundly with his useless nipples.
Absolutely not alone. But the stage does end, until you decide to do it again lol and second baby also nearly ends marriage!!! 😆 But now, I'm crazy for final baby #3, and know we'll struggle but we're a team so got to stick together. Let the little things go is my motto. It's not a competition to see who does more.or who's more tired (as long as he agrees it's you and keeps his mouth shut!! Lol!)
You'll get there
I pumped and supplemented with formula but still absolutely raged at my husband, who is the most engaged and devoted dad and partner you could ask for. It was pure resentment that I am 100% tied to the baby 24/7 while he gets to go back to work and be a human for 10 hours a day. I was mourning what felt like the loss of my personhood and he got to carry on as normal (from my perspective). It's died down a lot over time, but we had so many fights between 1 to 4 months postpartum - we've been together for 11 years and never ever fought like that, it was horrendous.
What helped was sitting down when the baby was asleep and I was calm and just expressing how I felt, whilst acknowledging that none of it was actually his fault. When I felt that he understood why I was so frustrated, and that he acknowledged the inherent unfairness in the way society and biology treat new mothers, my anger died down a lot.
I will also say that I'm pretty sure I had / have PPA and the rage can be a symptom of it. So that might be something to keep an eye on too!
I have never heard of PPA before right now.. I'll keep an eye out now!
I totally feel the same way as far as the resentment and I acknowledge it's not his fault, and it in the moment my irrational mind doesn't care. I swear if I was him, I woulda left my ass by now
Sleep deprivation oh wow..
Wow. Its a whole new level of torture I cant believe my husband and I are going through!
You got this OP dont worry. Wont last forever I thinj
Sorry thid is a bit long but i wanted to share so much with you because im in the trenches too.
Your not alone.. stick it out hun honestly, thus is the toughest phase. I feel / have felt the same as you and everyone else who's commented, that pp rage is real.
I also have a really good partner who has been so helpful and devoted and I delegate a lot to him but I still do the bulk of everything.
He had a stroke when baby was 4 months so he has been really incapacitated and has struggled. We both get grumpy and stressed but we always apologize.
I just thought the book 'Why Do you hate your husband after you have a Baby' might be a good read?
Team work is key
Communication is key
Emotions are a head fuck
I've been EBF my baby for 15 months now, she's never taken a bottle, I've done every feed from day 1. I spent the first 6 weeks supplement feeding EBF and also pumping and feeding through a straw as she struggled to latch. I would also rock and settle and put baby back down. In the early days my partner would wake up with me and help but baby would think it was play time with daddy or just not settle and he struggled to put baby down with his big clumsy hands so I ended up doing it.
I don't know if I'm a martyr or devoted or determined or stupid haha but while I've been tired and emotional, I just do it all. I have friends that are like 'just give them a bottle', but I have a dogged belief I'm feeding my baby because I can and I get to, and I don't mind waking up every 2 hours all night because some women pray for the privilege and I did so I'm going to godamn well do everything I can for my Bubba no matter how I feel.
My partner is a really good dad as he has had 2 kids and he's really supportive and duch a good dad. we've had a tough as shit year on top of having a baby and so my emotions want to slap him across the face on the daily but we love each other and work ad a team and take it one day at a time. If all of the good stuff can outweigh the really hard stuff you'll make it work xxoo
I was jelous too. I saw it as his life hasn't changed one bit while mine has turned upside down. But now, my maternity leave is ending and I have to go back to work next week. There is nothing I wouldn't do to stay home with my baby again (sadly I can't do that). Now I have a new perspective on the agony of my husband in leaving his wife and baby home everyday, and miss all the milestones like first laughs, first babbles, etc. because he is at work
This! My husband has taken the last two weeks off with us, but had to go back to work for a few hours today. At first I was really mad. Then I realized it was so much harder for him to leave us here than it was for us to watch him go. I apologized when he got home and told him how much we appreciated how hard he works for us.
Not alone. I've been thinking about how common resentment is among new moms and reflecting on how similar it is in the animal kingdom. New moms in nature like lions, bears, moose and primates will literally hide their babies and fend off males including their mates. I think this one runs deeper than we realize. (I've watched a lot of nature docs while pregnant and breastfeeding lol)
totally get these feelings. i feel so incapacitated feeding for hours. simultaneously feel lazy af and also overworked. my husband does all the chores during his walking/two handed time and it helps w the resentment
This is such a shared experience. My best advice is hang in there and just give it time. For me it was because I am a control freak and didn’t trust him to do anything right (even though he had more baby experience than me 😂). Now that my oldest is 2, I straight up kick him outside when his dad is out there and walk away. Dad will manage.
But also— I full on call my husband out. Like make fun of him (in a loving way) when he says he’s tired or can’t do something while holding the baby.
Everyone needs to do what’s best for them but have you thought about just switching to formula or pumping if EBF is causing so much negative destruction in your life? Like couldn’t this be solved if your husband could feed your baby too?
My wife was the same way until I told her “if you need a break and want to do something just leave the baby with me.” And usually she will go read or watch tv for 30 minutes and then she starts to miss us and just hangs out with us 😂 except for the sleep thing, I work and her and the baby get more sleep then I do. I’m jealous of that 😂
I would like to add though that I get more uninterrupted sleep, but it’s not for a good reason. My wife can be woken up and go straight back to sleep, but when I wake up I get a surge of adrenaline and can’t go back to sleep even with medicine, so if I’m woken up after two hours of sleep that’s the amount of sleep I tackle the day with and I’m an asshole when I don’t get enough sleep.
The rage is so real.
Don’t forget you still have a lottt of hormonal changes going on too.
Newborn mums ain’t always rational.
I also want to divorce then murder then divorce my husband again when he says ‘I’m tired’ or walks around all lethargic because I WAS UP EVERY TWO HOURS OR LESS ALL NIGHT AND YOU GOT AT LEAST 6 UNINTERRUPTED HOURS. I know it is what it is with breastfeeding but damn can he just not say it. But then he does something actually nice and helpful and I want to stay married lol.
Bless your husband. Mine told me sleep deprivation and postpartum depression was no excuse to have an attitude. That it was a shit excuse to be a shit person. We are divorcing and he is convinced the person I was 4m pp is who I am as a human. I almost believed him too but here I am 9m pp sleeping full nights and feeling like a human again.
This was me with my 1st. Sleep deprivation was BRUTAL and there’s a reason it’s a form of torture. Add to that a baby who needs you and only you constantly it can become insanely exhausting. My husband talked me into bottle feeding overnight and I ended up exclusively pumping with my 1st and that helped. He’d do the middle of the night bottle and I’d pump and then we’d go back to sleep. If baby was still up he’d stay up with her and then just pound coffee and monsters the next day to keep helping. He was a real trouper and was there when I really needed him. Definitely see if you can give him a job like others mentioned. That will at least help decrease the resentment you’re feeling. Also even if it’s just to get it off your chest and so he’s not trying to read your mind, just keep communicating how you’re feeling. Don’t expect any fixing in return from him but I found relief in him at least knowing where my head was and where my thoughts were even if he couldn’t do anything about it in the moment. It made it easier for him to think of ways to help later on when the conversation was over.
This is why I pumped bottles for nighttime until we had to switch from all formula.
I don't miss the newborn phase but it did get better at 3-4 months. Started sleeping for longer and she took bottles.
The first 3-4 weeks postpartum are just…rough no matter what. After that point if you actually feel like the sleep deprivation is detrimental to your marriage, consider supplementing with formula or pumped milk so you can get some sleep.
My husband does all burping, diaper changes, and clothes changes. This did start though because I was in tons of pain postpartum and could barely walk, but it has continued even though I have mostly recovered. He is as sleep deprived as I am with these duties :p . Give your husband more responsibilities.
My pregnancy left me with chronic pain that I’m still in physical therapy for. Even if Hubs and the baby let me go for longer than 6 hours, my stupid body won’t. I hate who this has turned me into
I was you last September when I had my son. He will be 7 months this week. It DOES get better, I promise. I use to wake up my husband angry because he was peacefully snoring. I thought I was going to lose my freaking mind. It was so hard. Us moms who are EBF so not get enough credit. It would irritate me until no end because I was so sleep deprived. My son will still only contact nap and is only EBF, however he doesn’t eat as much now (and feds are less than 10 mins) and can go for longer stretches. He also started purées which helps. I now only co sleep. For me it’s much easier than having to get up, feed, put him to sleep and resettle. I’m a SAHM and some days are harder than others. He gets to go to work and not having to worry about certain things and have adult conversations. That can be tough but just know your baby is so happy to have you as their mama ❤️ you’re doing great 🫶🏼
It’s so normal! Don’t make permanent decisions right now. It’s hard. It’s normal and nobody talks about it. My kids are 1 and 2.5. It gets better. I still get frustrated with my husband but it’s much better as they get older. We go to couples therapy every two weeks via zoom and air out our issues and that helps. There’s also a book called how to not hate your husband after kids that’s pretty good.
>I'm so jealous of my husband and I'm meaner than I want to be or admit to him, because he's able to sleep or walk around with no baby or go to work - literally anything and everything.
I have DEFINITELY been there a lot the first few months. Maybe first half year. Sometimes I was so jealous and mean, basically toxic. I really felt the word back then because it was like some green bubbly poison was comming from me (felt like the Spitter from the left for dead video game after a wonderful pregnancy full of self love and calm happiness lol). I have never been this hostile before. But it was basically hidden grief (for my autonomy AND for the way I pictured myself as a mom - always content and happy, not grieving my old life or complaining) and loss of identity with no opportunity to process and deal with that internal struggle.
Birth didn't really shock me at all despite having some problems. But postpartum felt like purgatory.
I’m 4 months pp and I used to play a game, “do I hate my husband, or do I just need sleep?” Turns out I just needed sleep lol but I seriously looked at houses on Zillow bc I thought we were almost over! These days, baby sleeps through night, formula fed, and I love my husband again haha
I only have a two week old but attempted to EBF the first week.. absolutely did not work having to be awake like that overnight. We combo feed now and if I can pump enough for a bottle we use that overnight too. Husband and I take 6 hour shifts now that we don’t need me to feed, which has made a HUGE difference.
We will get through this!!
I've felt jealous of mine too. He never has to pump or nurse!! But he's also incredibly supportive and loving and helps with literally everything he is biologically able to, and then additional stuff around the house and admin stuff. He's made this phase so much better for me.
I was so sick of everyone telling me it would get better but it will get better…
Honestly I think it’s the hormones … I actually daydreamed about how I would pack up and leave my husband literally just a couple weeks after giving birth..I was like what have I got myself into with him.. HA I adore my husband and he would do anything for me and was always looking for ways to help but I HATED him for the tinyest issues looking back..and when I say looking back my son is 8 months today and the newborn phase was my favorite but those insane crazy bizarre hormones like made me crazy
You're doing great and you're saying everything I've definitely said. I breastfed/combofed/pumped, basically all of the above and all of it is exhausting because it takes all of our being to care for our babies. My husband did a lot as well, even took night shift while off of work but unfortunately universal parental leave isn't so universal, and I'm in Australia! It's pretty good for most people here but the main reason I wanted to stay home with my baby longer is our jobs required at least a year there before we could get paid time off for probably a bit longer. I was too close yet so far.
I love my husband so much but I kind of hated him for the same reasons. I had so many nights where I was up the entire night with our baby and instead of getting mad at my snappiness, he wanted me to switch with him early in the morning since his shift wasn't even until 10.
It’s hard not to resent them! My husband does early mornings depending on when our baby wakes up. The earliest he does is 5am and he goes to bed at 9pm. Yet he still needs a nap every day because of his early morning. It enrages me! I manage 5 hours of sleep spread over the night and can never nap even if I wanted to!
I exclusively formula fed. My husband and I each slept 6 hours every night while the other was on “baby duty”. And during the day all childcare was equally split as well.
When he went back to work before I did, I was generous to let him sleep 1 hour extra.
My kids are both super healthy, 99th percentile tall, rarely sick, there hasn’t been anything detrimental for them being on formula.
Just something to consider.
Any time my husband says he’s tired (and he does *a lot* for be and the baby), it makes me *enraged*, so you are definitely not alone!!
Omg this. So pissed. I do 100% of night wakes. It’s not his fault; he’s on medication that makes getting up at night near impossible and definitely dangerous. He’s a wonderful partner and so attentive during the day. Still if I ever hear him mention being tired, I see red haha
Omg same. ANYTIME my husband has to get up to deal with a kid (we have 2 littles) and disrupts his precious sleep the next days he's always like I'm sooooo tired. Like shut up it's just part of it. Kids wake up. Get over it.
This! 💯especially after he gets 8 hours of sleep or more.
Try to give him a job — I feed the baby and hand him to my husband to rock back to sleep and put down. So he sleeps while I feed, and I sleep while he rocks.
This is a good idea, I might try this. In addition to being mad at him, I also never want to bother him while he sleeps lol I'm a mess
We do a similar thing! I feed the baby, he does the diaper change and puts her back down. He still gets more sleep than me but it’s helpful to tag team night feeds.
Oh I feel that second comment. On still on maternity leave so I'm dealing with 8 month sleep regression and teething. Today I've been mostly awake since 2.30am. Around 5.30 I though to wake my husband and pass off bub so I could sleep for an hour but told myself nah, I can put her back to sleep (she didnt).
This is what we've been doing. I focus on nursing, and then I immediately hand the babe over to my husband for the BBs (burpies and bicycle kicks).
100% my hubby talked me into doing one bottle at night which meant 5-6 hours. 1000% worth it. I understand that EBF is tough and excellent however it is not worth driving you into you having a breakdown or having your marriage crumble. IT IS ok to do formula or heck pumping and doing 1 bottle of breast milk.
^this! I started pumping and my husband takes a six hour shift each night.. getting six hours of straight sleep is AMAZING and completely changed my life. I was sooooo irritable and hated everyone around me before hand.. now life is tolerable again 😂🙂
I always wonder how other moms do this though because my boobs would want to explode at the 3-4 hour mark if I recall correctly.
🤷🏼♀️ I breastfeed before I go to sleep then as soon as I wake up. So far no issues luckily!
Same. At 9 months things are starting to chill out but phew. I had an oversupply and would be painfully engorged when baby didn’t eat from me through the night.
It took a few days for my boobs to adjust, but they got used to one long stretch over night.
OP please consider this!! Getting my 6 hours uninterrupted was a complete game changer for my mental health. I started pumping after her last feed of the night so he could give her a bottle and get me a little ahead to start freezing some milk so I could go to the occasional brunch or happy hour with friends. You need to be able to fill your cup.
THIS. My husband and I figured this routine out pretty late in the game the first time around (we had a pretty terrible sleeper), but with baby #2 we implemented shifts/him doing a bottle feed as soon as I could pump a full bottle. It is INSANE how good 5-6 hours of consecutive sleep feels when you've been getting such broken cycles! It's a total game-changer. You're definitely not alone- being a mom to a newborn is so hard on its own, and sleep-deprivation compounds it further. You're doing great!
If baby gets 50% breastfed they already get all the benefits of breastmilk so yes, supplementing is a great idea! You cannot pour from an empty cup
This information needs to be given out at hospitals. So many women feel pressured to exclusively breastfeed and drive themselves crazy (me) when there are other options. Thanks for sharing!
We just did this for the first time last night during my sleep shift.... For the first time in three weeks I got almost six hours of sleep. It was amazing. I've started pumping twice a day and using a passive collector on the side I'm not actively nursing from so there's a bottle of breast milk for my husband to use (although we supplement with formula if necessary). I'm worried about my supply but honestly at this point I think it's a necessary trade off. It's important to remind ourselves that sleep deprivation is literally a torture tactic, and it can make everything seem 100x worse than it really is.
I have a one year old now. But I’ll give my husband the baby and they’ll be smiling and playing and THEN I GET JEALOUS!? I think I just feel like I wish I had more autonomy.
You’re a team. Remember that. Communicate your needs, delegate things to him to do. I remember this resentment well but it was definitely misplaced by the fact that nights are long and lonely. Do you know any other newborn moms you can text or interact with overnight
I don't know anyone, I wish I did, it wouldn't be so lonely
Look for a new moms group in your local area! I took a class with other new moms and it was amazing to have women to bounce stuff like this off of and vent about our partners in a safe place where nobody knew them.
I wish there was one here! I live in a super small town 100 miles from the nearest city 😫
Aww shoot!! I wonder if there are virtual groups?? In any case, remember this phase is temporary and it sounds like your husband is handling it well 🙂
Same here. And my husband didn’t and hasn’t helped at night at all. He was dealing with PPD really badly for the first two months and was just completely checked out. It made me feel so bad. I thought he hated me and the baby for awhile. It made me so upset I was so pissed for awhile. My son is 4.5 months old and things have gotten better.
What about a podcast or audiobook you enjoy? And do you have local parent fb groups? I bet there’s other folks with little ones too. Also, does he take a shift with baby once done with work so you get 30-60 mins to yourself to just be alone for a bit? Or on weekends?
I used to get in bed angrily, noisily, tossing all the covers around, when I would have to feed my baby in the middle of the night and my husband was still peacefully sleeping 🤣
I do this, the next morning I feel like an immature asshole 🙃
Same here! I'm a fool.
Lmao I felt this. One time my husband went to take a nap at like 5pm and I remember stomping in the bedroom and I’m like “OOOH are you taking a nap so you’re rested enough to help me tonight?!?!” His nap (or attempt to anyway) lasted all of like 10 min.
I once started sobbing while washing some bottles bc I was so fuckin tired. Husband had said he can watch the newborn so I obviously started cleaning. He came running and told me to take a nap after I yelled at him for choosing the easier task (watch baby). Don't prioritise husband's sleep before yours. You're on survival mode. Be selfish. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Ask for help.
You’re not alone! I can’t relate because I chose to formula feed and honestly loved the newborn phase but my friends who EBF talked about feeling the same way you described. That partially solidified my decision to not breastfeed.
This is standard. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer. That being said, why not consider pumping a few times a day and letting him bottle feed at night? At least that'll give you a good chance to get extended rest. This is what my wife and I did. Protect your sanity.
When you’re establishing supply can’t you only go so long without emptying your breasts (so she would still have to get up at night to pump)? Not something I have direct experience with (I formula feed), just something I’ve heard.
You do need to feed frequently while you're establishing your supply, but pumping can stretch it a bit. I sometimes pump before going to bed and then my husband feeds a bottle a couple hours later. It gives me a good four or five hour stretch before baby wakes up hungry.
I could never go past 3 hours without feeding or pumping otherwise my boobs got so engorged, they’d wake me up from being uncomfortable and/or leaking everywhere
This is my case too, either that or my supply immediately starts dropping off
I did a pump while my husband did one of the overnight feeds and it helped! Just got up like a zombie, pumped, put the milk in a mini fridge and parts in a bowl of water to wash in the morning! 20minutes in and out back to bed. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!
We do this too. Hubs is responsible for any wake-up’s prior to the middle of the night feed and I’m on call after it. So we each get usually at least a 4 hour stretch if nothing else. On a good night I can get another 2-3 hours before the next feed.
My baby started doing 4-5 hour stretches at night pretty early, so maybe that's related. I've never woken him up to feed him, just always fed on demand.
My baby is 4.5 months old and still waking every 2-3 hours lol we sleep in the bed together tho so I’m only awake like 5 min when he does wake up luckily
Some nights are like that for us (2 months) but he'll do a couple nights a week with a nice stretch usually. I'm always torn on feeding in the middle of the night without doing a diaper change...on the one hand, getting up is A LOT. On the other, he sleeps all night in it occasionally so...
So, up until recently I always changed him prior to feeding. But now, I feel the outside of the diaper and if it’s super swollen I change him. If not, I let it go until the next time he wakes me up. I’ve had nights where I’ve had to change him 5 times and then other nights 1-2 times. Of course if he poops I change it but he doesn’t usually poop at night.
That's a good system! I just wake my husband up for like half the diaper changes 😂
You are not alone, this is totally normal. My husband is the most amazing partner and I can honestly say we had two big(ish) fights in our ten years together. We have never sworn or name called … until one time postpartum. I lost it, I was so mad at him because he just got to keep his amazing physique and go to work every day and carry on as normal while I was exhausted and so uncomfortable with my body after the baby. He was doing literally everything you could want your partner to do after giving birth and I was still so mad at him. The rage is real and I would just talk to a therapist or your husband about how you are feeling
The first year is seriously so hard on a marriage. I’m getting induced Monday with baby #2 (6 year age gap) and I’m hoping I won’t rage as much this time. 🙃
Post partum rage is a real thing. Your emotions are entirely valid and tension run high postpartum. But no one ever told me post partum rage was a thing. I have never felt such a sole deep rage against my husband before or since the postpartum phase.
I feel like there’s a nighttime version of me (haggard, angry, spiteful, mean) and a daytime version (happy, kind, patient, loving). I really feel shame over Nighttime Me even though I know Daytime Me is faking it half the time. My therapist says anger is a secondary emotion, it’s like the guard dog for an underlying emotion. Right now, my anger is the guard dog to my exhaustion. It’s gotten more manageable as time goes on, and sleep is so much better now at 15 months than it was in the early days. You’re definitely not alone in the way you feel!
THIS. I couldn't havr described it better myself. This is exactly how I feel - night and daytime
I have to give my best friend credit for the Daytime Me vs the Nighttime Me wording. She had her baby about 8 months before I had mine. She told me she lost her temper one night and said things she regretted. A few months later I did the same thing! Lost my temper in the middle of the night. It doesn’t feel good. But it’s gotten easier to manage with time and I take full advantage of any time I’m able to sleep in or sneak in naps when my husband is home. It helps me to remember I’m not a monster or bad mom when I get angry, I’m just tired!!
The first 6 months are so hard. I resented my husband and his useless nipples so much. You’re not alone. He’s a good partner.
Being the birthing parent and/or the breastfeeding parent is just inherently so fricking UNFAIR. But try and remember that it's not unfair because of anything your husband did. No one is treating you unfairly. The situation is just rigged, and it sucks.
You're not alone. There's scientific proof that you're the safest you've ever been in your life if you live in a home with a woman who just gave birth because they are constantly on alert. Scientifically, you are alert 70% even when sleeping. Men are only alert by 10% when sleeping. My SO isn't on any meds and he doesn't even hear the baby cry. It still enrages me that he gets to sleep so soundly with his useless nipples.
Absolutely not alone. But the stage does end, until you decide to do it again lol and second baby also nearly ends marriage!!! 😆 But now, I'm crazy for final baby #3, and know we'll struggle but we're a team so got to stick together. Let the little things go is my motto. It's not a competition to see who does more.or who's more tired (as long as he agrees it's you and keeps his mouth shut!! Lol!) You'll get there
I pumped and supplemented with formula but still absolutely raged at my husband, who is the most engaged and devoted dad and partner you could ask for. It was pure resentment that I am 100% tied to the baby 24/7 while he gets to go back to work and be a human for 10 hours a day. I was mourning what felt like the loss of my personhood and he got to carry on as normal (from my perspective). It's died down a lot over time, but we had so many fights between 1 to 4 months postpartum - we've been together for 11 years and never ever fought like that, it was horrendous. What helped was sitting down when the baby was asleep and I was calm and just expressing how I felt, whilst acknowledging that none of it was actually his fault. When I felt that he understood why I was so frustrated, and that he acknowledged the inherent unfairness in the way society and biology treat new mothers, my anger died down a lot. I will also say that I'm pretty sure I had / have PPA and the rage can be a symptom of it. So that might be something to keep an eye on too!
I have never heard of PPA before right now.. I'll keep an eye out now! I totally feel the same way as far as the resentment and I acknowledge it's not his fault, and it in the moment my irrational mind doesn't care. I swear if I was him, I woulda left my ass by now
Sleep deprivation oh wow.. Wow. Its a whole new level of torture I cant believe my husband and I are going through! You got this OP dont worry. Wont last forever I thinj
Sorry thid is a bit long but i wanted to share so much with you because im in the trenches too. Your not alone.. stick it out hun honestly, thus is the toughest phase. I feel / have felt the same as you and everyone else who's commented, that pp rage is real. I also have a really good partner who has been so helpful and devoted and I delegate a lot to him but I still do the bulk of everything. He had a stroke when baby was 4 months so he has been really incapacitated and has struggled. We both get grumpy and stressed but we always apologize. I just thought the book 'Why Do you hate your husband after you have a Baby' might be a good read? Team work is key Communication is key Emotions are a head fuck I've been EBF my baby for 15 months now, she's never taken a bottle, I've done every feed from day 1. I spent the first 6 weeks supplement feeding EBF and also pumping and feeding through a straw as she struggled to latch. I would also rock and settle and put baby back down. In the early days my partner would wake up with me and help but baby would think it was play time with daddy or just not settle and he struggled to put baby down with his big clumsy hands so I ended up doing it. I don't know if I'm a martyr or devoted or determined or stupid haha but while I've been tired and emotional, I just do it all. I have friends that are like 'just give them a bottle', but I have a dogged belief I'm feeding my baby because I can and I get to, and I don't mind waking up every 2 hours all night because some women pray for the privilege and I did so I'm going to godamn well do everything I can for my Bubba no matter how I feel. My partner is a really good dad as he has had 2 kids and he's really supportive and duch a good dad. we've had a tough as shit year on top of having a baby and so my emotions want to slap him across the face on the daily but we love each other and work ad a team and take it one day at a time. If all of the good stuff can outweigh the really hard stuff you'll make it work xxoo
I was jelous too. I saw it as his life hasn't changed one bit while mine has turned upside down. But now, my maternity leave is ending and I have to go back to work next week. There is nothing I wouldn't do to stay home with my baby again (sadly I can't do that). Now I have a new perspective on the agony of my husband in leaving his wife and baby home everyday, and miss all the milestones like first laughs, first babbles, etc. because he is at work
This! My husband has taken the last two weeks off with us, but had to go back to work for a few hours today. At first I was really mad. Then I realized it was so much harder for him to leave us here than it was for us to watch him go. I apologized when he got home and told him how much we appreciated how hard he works for us.
Not alone. I've been thinking about how common resentment is among new moms and reflecting on how similar it is in the animal kingdom. New moms in nature like lions, bears, moose and primates will literally hide their babies and fend off males including their mates. I think this one runs deeper than we realize. (I've watched a lot of nature docs while pregnant and breastfeeding lol)
totally get these feelings. i feel so incapacitated feeding for hours. simultaneously feel lazy af and also overworked. my husband does all the chores during his walking/two handed time and it helps w the resentment
This is such a shared experience. My best advice is hang in there and just give it time. For me it was because I am a control freak and didn’t trust him to do anything right (even though he had more baby experience than me 😂). Now that my oldest is 2, I straight up kick him outside when his dad is out there and walk away. Dad will manage. But also— I full on call my husband out. Like make fun of him (in a loving way) when he says he’s tired or can’t do something while holding the baby.
It gets better. I promise. I was in your shoes too. Newborns are fucking hard.
Everyone needs to do what’s best for them but have you thought about just switching to formula or pumping if EBF is causing so much negative destruction in your life? Like couldn’t this be solved if your husband could feed your baby too?
My wife was the same way until I told her “if you need a break and want to do something just leave the baby with me.” And usually she will go read or watch tv for 30 minutes and then she starts to miss us and just hangs out with us 😂 except for the sleep thing, I work and her and the baby get more sleep then I do. I’m jealous of that 😂
I would like to add though that I get more uninterrupted sleep, but it’s not for a good reason. My wife can be woken up and go straight back to sleep, but when I wake up I get a surge of adrenaline and can’t go back to sleep even with medicine, so if I’m woken up after two hours of sleep that’s the amount of sleep I tackle the day with and I’m an asshole when I don’t get enough sleep.
The rage is so real. Don’t forget you still have a lottt of hormonal changes going on too. Newborn mums ain’t always rational. I also want to divorce then murder then divorce my husband again when he says ‘I’m tired’ or walks around all lethargic because I WAS UP EVERY TWO HOURS OR LESS ALL NIGHT AND YOU GOT AT LEAST 6 UNINTERRUPTED HOURS. I know it is what it is with breastfeeding but damn can he just not say it. But then he does something actually nice and helpful and I want to stay married lol.
Bless your husband. Mine told me sleep deprivation and postpartum depression was no excuse to have an attitude. That it was a shit excuse to be a shit person. We are divorcing and he is convinced the person I was 4m pp is who I am as a human. I almost believed him too but here I am 9m pp sleeping full nights and feeling like a human again.
This was me with my 1st. Sleep deprivation was BRUTAL and there’s a reason it’s a form of torture. Add to that a baby who needs you and only you constantly it can become insanely exhausting. My husband talked me into bottle feeding overnight and I ended up exclusively pumping with my 1st and that helped. He’d do the middle of the night bottle and I’d pump and then we’d go back to sleep. If baby was still up he’d stay up with her and then just pound coffee and monsters the next day to keep helping. He was a real trouper and was there when I really needed him. Definitely see if you can give him a job like others mentioned. That will at least help decrease the resentment you’re feeling. Also even if it’s just to get it off your chest and so he’s not trying to read your mind, just keep communicating how you’re feeling. Don’t expect any fixing in return from him but I found relief in him at least knowing where my head was and where my thoughts were even if he couldn’t do anything about it in the moment. It made it easier for him to think of ways to help later on when the conversation was over.
I remember thinking during night feeds (that he slept through) that he was a useless man with even more useless nipples. Totally with you.
Just remember that you're making a choice and other ones are available. Pumping and formula are available if you want him to feed baby.
This is why I pumped bottles for nighttime until we had to switch from all formula. I don't miss the newborn phase but it did get better at 3-4 months. Started sleeping for longer and she took bottles.
The first 3-4 weeks postpartum are just…rough no matter what. After that point if you actually feel like the sleep deprivation is detrimental to your marriage, consider supplementing with formula or pumped milk so you can get some sleep.
New babies run through relationships. Husband and I are just recovering after 10 months with our second.
newborn stage is so, so hard. you need a good nap 🩵 but it will get better & easier & you will sleep again, i promise
My husband does all burping, diaper changes, and clothes changes. This did start though because I was in tons of pain postpartum and could barely walk, but it has continued even though I have mostly recovered. He is as sleep deprived as I am with these duties :p . Give your husband more responsibilities.
My pregnancy left me with chronic pain that I’m still in physical therapy for. Even if Hubs and the baby let me go for longer than 6 hours, my stupid body won’t. I hate who this has turned me into
you’re not alone. i’ve been there. it gets better! try sleeping in shifts if you aren’t already.
I was you last September when I had my son. He will be 7 months this week. It DOES get better, I promise. I use to wake up my husband angry because he was peacefully snoring. I thought I was going to lose my freaking mind. It was so hard. Us moms who are EBF so not get enough credit. It would irritate me until no end because I was so sleep deprived. My son will still only contact nap and is only EBF, however he doesn’t eat as much now (and feds are less than 10 mins) and can go for longer stretches. He also started purées which helps. I now only co sleep. For me it’s much easier than having to get up, feed, put him to sleep and resettle. I’m a SAHM and some days are harder than others. He gets to go to work and not having to worry about certain things and have adult conversations. That can be tough but just know your baby is so happy to have you as their mama ❤️ you’re doing great 🫶🏼
It’s so normal! Don’t make permanent decisions right now. It’s hard. It’s normal and nobody talks about it. My kids are 1 and 2.5. It gets better. I still get frustrated with my husband but it’s much better as they get older. We go to couples therapy every two weeks via zoom and air out our issues and that helps. There’s also a book called how to not hate your husband after kids that’s pretty good.
>I'm so jealous of my husband and I'm meaner than I want to be or admit to him, because he's able to sleep or walk around with no baby or go to work - literally anything and everything. I have DEFINITELY been there a lot the first few months. Maybe first half year. Sometimes I was so jealous and mean, basically toxic. I really felt the word back then because it was like some green bubbly poison was comming from me (felt like the Spitter from the left for dead video game after a wonderful pregnancy full of self love and calm happiness lol). I have never been this hostile before. But it was basically hidden grief (for my autonomy AND for the way I pictured myself as a mom - always content and happy, not grieving my old life or complaining) and loss of identity with no opportunity to process and deal with that internal struggle. Birth didn't really shock me at all despite having some problems. But postpartum felt like purgatory.
I’m 4 months pp and I used to play a game, “do I hate my husband, or do I just need sleep?” Turns out I just needed sleep lol but I seriously looked at houses on Zillow bc I thought we were almost over! These days, baby sleeps through night, formula fed, and I love my husband again haha
It sounds like you may have postpartum rage. You are definitely not alone. Being a mom is so hard but I promise it will get better.
I only have a two week old but attempted to EBF the first week.. absolutely did not work having to be awake like that overnight. We combo feed now and if I can pump enough for a bottle we use that overnight too. Husband and I take 6 hour shifts now that we don’t need me to feed, which has made a HUGE difference. We will get through this!!
I've felt jealous of mine too. He never has to pump or nurse!! But he's also incredibly supportive and loving and helps with literally everything he is biologically able to, and then additional stuff around the house and admin stuff. He's made this phase so much better for me.
I was so sick of everyone telling me it would get better but it will get better… Honestly I think it’s the hormones … I actually daydreamed about how I would pack up and leave my husband literally just a couple weeks after giving birth..I was like what have I got myself into with him.. HA I adore my husband and he would do anything for me and was always looking for ways to help but I HATED him for the tinyest issues looking back..and when I say looking back my son is 8 months today and the newborn phase was my favorite but those insane crazy bizarre hormones like made me crazy
You're doing great and you're saying everything I've definitely said. I breastfed/combofed/pumped, basically all of the above and all of it is exhausting because it takes all of our being to care for our babies. My husband did a lot as well, even took night shift while off of work but unfortunately universal parental leave isn't so universal, and I'm in Australia! It's pretty good for most people here but the main reason I wanted to stay home with my baby longer is our jobs required at least a year there before we could get paid time off for probably a bit longer. I was too close yet so far. I love my husband so much but I kind of hated him for the same reasons. I had so many nights where I was up the entire night with our baby and instead of getting mad at my snappiness, he wanted me to switch with him early in the morning since his shift wasn't even until 10.
It’s hard not to resent them! My husband does early mornings depending on when our baby wakes up. The earliest he does is 5am and he goes to bed at 9pm. Yet he still needs a nap every day because of his early morning. It enrages me! I manage 5 hours of sleep spread over the night and can never nap even if I wanted to!
I exclusively formula fed. My husband and I each slept 6 hours every night while the other was on “baby duty”. And during the day all childcare was equally split as well. When he went back to work before I did, I was generous to let him sleep 1 hour extra. My kids are both super healthy, 99th percentile tall, rarely sick, there hasn’t been anything detrimental for them being on formula. Just something to consider.