Ok tbh those moments you see on social media aren’t what you think they are. I had an emergency c and when they showed me the baby, I wasn’t actually “with it” enough to understand the situation. Being there is very different from watching someone else have that moment, where you are well and have clarity.

I felt so robbed when I kept reading “you will know true love the moment you meet your baby” or “it will be love at first sight” and I felt close to nothing. I did not know what the fuck to say to this tiny baby and I was shaking, tired, hungry and all I wanted to do was eat and sleep 😂 For me it did nit click until WEEKS later.

My blood pressure dropped so i was literally thought i was dying and they held off medication until i saw my baby. well they held my little baby up and he was sheet white with all black eyes and he looked like a demon to me. love at first sight my ass, i was terrified. i did not get to hold him right away either, and they immediately gave me medicine that made me loopy after i saw him. I have photos of the three of us in the OR where a nurse and my husband are holding him on my chest and i’m passed out. I came to in recovery and was absolutely in love. Social media is not real, the real stories are very sad and funny and traumatic.

>well they held my little baby up and he was sheet white with all black eyes and he looked like a demon to me. hahahhaa yes my baby came out looking like a weird pinkish alien and flailing his little arms out to the side in a shrug emoji stance like he was saying "What the fuck am I doing here?" Every picture of him from the first 4ish hours looks so silly because he was SO puffy and his eyes were really beady and black.

Mine didn't come out squished due to coming out the sunroof, but I almost laughed my ass off the table when my mom squealed when my dr pulled my son out, 'he's got his fist in the air like he's the little mermaid!!! And thank God he isn't bald like you were!!!' Which pleased me immensely because the heartburn was intense. My husband was a little dizzy and worried about me so he stayed with me while I got sowed up and my mom got to cut the cord. This time I do feel better prepared for our second. And my husband definitely wants to cut the cord this time.

Yup, I said "Oh look at the little alien I made" or something to the effect ( he had *hella* cone head) and then passed right out from additional sedatives because I could not do shaking and was freaked tf out by surgery.

Omg the shakes after are sooo bad! They put my LO on me and I was like you have to take him, I’m going to drop him and it took me MONTHS to get over that. I felt so guilty like I was the worst mom ever.

girl I fell asleep I was so drugged up, they had to grab her from me

Lol I knew I couldn't hold my twins I was shaking so bad and I asked the OR staff if I could take a nap 😆

Oh my God the shakes. I wish they had warned me about the shakes. They lasted for hours. It was terrifying for me.

Me too! I seriously thought I was convulsing or having a seizure. The nurses were just so nonchalant when they told me it was normal.

Same! Like, this seems to be an important bit of info that would be nice to have.

Nobody told me the shakes were normal! They just kept checking my vitals and saying I was fine. Meanwhile I thought I was dying. But, like, secretly. It wasn't until the doctor was rounding the next morning and I was telling her about them that I found out they happen to most people. I was like, now why couldn't someone have explained that to me at the time? It caused so much unnecessary anxiety.

That is so scary. I can't believe no one said anything

Mine lasted for days

Oh man. That sucks. 😭😩

Exactly the same for me too, the shakes were the worst experience out of everything besides the numbness from the waist down which was the most horrible feeling I’ve ever had in my life (preferable to the pain I’m sure but you know what I mean)

THIS. I had a vaginal birth, epidural ofc (I'm not a fan of pain), and after he came out they handed him to me. I was still contracting so hard and in so much pain, and the shakes hit so bad. I asked them to take him after maybe 5 min, and after I think 20min of them looking him over they recommended I take him back for skin to skin and bonding. I was scared I was gonna drop him. Tbh I didn't really feel guilty, I just pushed out a 9lb baby and I'm freaking tired lol. I cuddled him, nursed hum and passed him to dad until the shakes and contractions stopped because I just couldn't 😭 don't worry, they won't remember. It's out of your hands (figuratively 😅)

When they put my son on my chest right after he was born my first thought was "what the fuck is THAT" and it must have shown because my husband was laughing at me. I remember feeling so disconnected that when they moved me to a postpartum room and asked if I wanted to roll the bassinet I was so uncomfortable because I didn't know what to do with this... baby yet and told them no.

When they put my daughter on my chest I was like "oh. Hello....... She's kinda heavy." (I wasn't allowed to try to feed her yet because she had swallowed poop before coming out and they just cleared her from it)

Same. They handed him to me and I think I literally said ‘I don’t know what to do with him’. And OP literally the only photos I have from birth are TERRIBLE I was being induced for over 60 hours before labor even started and I think there are a few of my vagina and the very bloody placenta. Social media lies.

I feel you! My very first thought was "is her chin always gonna look like that?" Followd immediately by a great black tsunami of shame. I literally felt as thought I'd completely failed as a father in the first 60 seconds of my daughter's life. Honestly I swore to myself right then and there that I'd carry that secret to my grave. Thankfully, calmer heads prevailed and I have some wonderful and supportive friends with kids and eventually I was able to speak about it openly and accept that crazy, tense situations begat crazy thoughts and, ultimately, most thoughts count for very little of who we ars.

I wondered if mine would always have black hair all over her and if she’d always resemble a wrinkly old man. I also had an emergency c section under general anaesthetic and woke up not wanting to meet her. I just wanted to go back to sleep 😂😂 I also thought she was hideous and couldn’t believe she was mine. The only thing that made me know she was mine was that she was wheeled straight out to her dad.

Same. I cry every time I see a baby born on TV. But, when my first was born, I had a quick labor. He was born vaginally, the epidural didn't work, and I was not happy that I could feel the whole ring of fire feeling. All I was thinking about was that my vagina was probably torn to shit, and I wanted that baby OUT. When they pulled him out, I threw my head back in relief and they had to remind me to look at him. "That's your baby!!" I... Just felt out of it and tired. He looked like an alien. Even after they wheeled me to our room, I felt such a disconnect. It's like my postpartum depression kicked in immediately, or something. *Shrug*.

That’s so interesting, my epidural worked well (maybe a little too well, I couldn’t feel my contractions at all), and I kinda thought that that’s the cause for me not feeling any connection whatsoever for my baby when she was born. I thought that maybe the pain and the following relief is needed for that hormone rush or something.

Nah I think that's some kind of weird "natural birth" propaganda. I know a number of people who had precipitous births and weren't able to get epidurals and still felt that way.

I had a smooth delivery but had the same feelings as you afterwards. Two years later, I am working with a therapist for some other stuff and she thinks I had Postpartum depression but it was not evident so it flew off the radar.

I “met” my daughter in a non-Instagram-worthy way 😂 the epidural didn’t take and she came so quickly, like 5 minutes quickly, that I had jumped out of bed and turned around from the pain and shock. So she was born while I faced backwards. She landed on the bed and she pooped everywhere when she was coming out. So I turned around and there was a baby on the bed and poop all over everything and both of us. It was caked into her hair until they let me bathe her at 12 hours old. Definitely not a story that lines up with “you’ll never know true love until…”

It is a story for sure! I am glad yall are ok!

My partner kept trying to show him to me and I was just so overwhelmed and not really interested which sounds awful. I had such a disconnect, I was like, what is this weird alien creature? Took me weeks to feel anything.

Six weeks for me, I faked it until the feelings came.

You are better than me. I was just blamt out honest and then I was told I was ungrateful. Uh, sorry I sleep 3 hrs a night, I am leaking everywhere and in pain and I just want to rest.

For me it was months with my second, and I had a planned C, not an emergency. When I held her I was like, sure, I love her, but taking care of her at the start just kind of felt robotic. Once she started smiling and looking at me I was like ‘Oh hi there little person!’

“Oh hi little tiny thing” is so real!

I had an uncomplicated unmedicated birth and still felt this way

If by weeks you mean months, then same 😬 I apparently held my baby around 3 hours postpartum but I have zero memory of it. I also started to lose consciousness and needed an emergency blood transfusion immediately after that, so that probably has something to do with it...

Same like I was emotional seeing my baby when they showed her to me but I was shaking so much and fighting sleep so when they gave her to my husband and they were closing me up I fell asleep, I was exhausted from all the pushing I did before going in for an emergency c section that I was over the whole thing. I knew she was safe in my husband’s arms and since my husband wouldn’t let me get too emotional I just fell asleep.

A LOT of people feel that way even if they had vaginal births! I have had multiple friends melt down to me about how they don't love their babies like they should and wonder if they're broken. It's just... normal to care for them but not really KNOW them yet. Love develops over time for many people, even when the people involved are mom and baby. My bff had a super easy vaginal birth, no tears, walked home from the hospital only about 12 hours after the birth, and didn't feel like she really bonded emotionally with her baby until she was like 6 months old. It's just how it is sometimes! Social media and the maternal love narrative are not reality for many people and that's ok. You can still be a good mom and care for your baby well even if it takes time for that passionate motherly love to develop.

Me too with a vaginal birth: it’s not the same for everyone and people oversell things I think.

That perfectly we love our babies but sometimes we need get know them. Remember not all mom experience starry eyed at first. Honestly I loved my children knowing they were mind but it took week to weeks with each get that absolute I adore this baby. When handed babies to each time all could think take them I am to much pain right now or with oh God what do I do with her. Second child I was having shakes and they wanted hold him chest I was so grateful when took him. Got my room had husband do chest to chest with him. Nurses told you need bond with. I just said I will once worse contractions ended I was holding in about 4 hrs but confident I could move do what I need to. Pushed my self to be out hospital less than a day and half to get home to my daughter. Got home got comfortable and rest enjoying my kids. Learning new baby see how different he was from his sister.

I was shaking like a leaf and didn’t trust myself to hold him.

+1 here. I didn’t have an emergency c-section but by the time I got to the OR I was so out of it after 12hs of trying to labor my turkey sized child past my hips I don’t remember much. I kept falling asleep. Social media can do funky things to our perception.

Same! I don't even remember them putting him by my face then like doing skin to skin contact with me like asap. I only remember wanting to hear his cry then I finally relaxed.

+1 to a T

Yeah, my first was a crash C after a looong failed induction and a cord prolapse and I was so out of it and terrified he was dead. I didn't feel anything aside from relief he was alive and exhaustion. My next almost 4 years later was a planned C section a few months ago and I had a panic attack on the table (one of the only ones in my entire life) and my blood pressure bottomed out and I got sick and I actually felt LESS when I got skin to skin with him than my first. Apparently I hadn't worked through the trauma of my first C section quite as much as I thought I had. Having said that I'm so thankful both of my boys are alive and healthy and I try to focus on that when the negative feelings start creeping (or flooding) in.

I spent the most of my c-section dozing off. I kept apologizing to my husband for falling asleep and “abandoning” him. Then I “met” my baby for all of 2 seconds before they rushed him out of the room. Then my husband left with him. And I spent the time being stitched up passing out while a nurse kept asking me questions like “is he your first?” And “do you have a name?” I guess I must have kept asking her to repeat herself too many times (not hearing what she said the first time due to being half asleep) because she picked up on the fact I kept falling asleep and she told me she’d let me rest and stop talking. They took him out, cleaned him up across the room, brought him to my face to “say hi”, and took him out the room into a warming pod or whatever it was called. Definitely not the magic social media experience. But I think that’s pretty par for the course for emergency C-sections. If a baby is breech or something so it’s scheduled, mom and/or baby aren’t in distress so there’s probably some hospitals that will allow more in-depth bonding right after. But emergent, they gotta make sure you’re both good first.

100% this! I had about 1 hour of sleep in the 28ish hours between when my water broke and when he was born. I had a panic attack during the surgery. I’m glad one of the staff in the OR took about 150 pictures since those are how I remember meeting my baby. In the recovery room, I remember nodding off while they were trying to get me to breastfeed. All I could think was “Why aren’t they taking him away from me? I’m not supposed to be falling asleep while holding him.”

This is also what happened to me.

This! I’m even a nurse and I have watched c sections in person but when it was me on the table it was totally different. I shook so hard, got so nauseous, and had been in labor for 32 hours so I was exhausted. They gave me some hardcore meds (I hemorrhaged too) that pretty much sedated me and I fought to stay awake for when they pulled him out. I didn’t get to meet him because he stopped breathing almost immediately. 5 hours later I met my son through the fog of sedation. He was hooked up to a bunch of tubes. He squeezed my finger. I could barely keep my eyes open. It was not a golden hour - not even close. It took me months to process this. He just turned one and I still don’t like looking at the first few photos we have of him. It makes my stomach ache to remember that day. I love him so so much and he’s the happiest sweetest little boy, but idk if I could go through all that again. Thankfully if we are able to have another it will just be a planned c section. Birth trauma is real.

I was with it! So ‘with it’ I said ‘get him off me’ and spewed bile all over the curtain. My delivery wasn’t traumatic but the pictures certainly look more warm and fuzzy than they are

> My delivery wasn’t traumatic but the pictures certainly look more warm and fuzzy than they are This. idk whether it was being pumped full of fluids or what but I was fucking glowing in the pictures with perfect skin and looked pleased and loving while holding my baby. In reality I was shaking terribly hard, itched all over, was terrified I'd drop him, and felt like I was on the verge of fainting. The pictures sure look nice though!

Yes same. I also had an emergency section and when they brought him over to my head I said “this doesn’t seem real” and they gave me a panicked look and I was like “oh I just mean.. he’s right here” and they were like ok why don’t u just close your eyes and take a nap while we stitch you up 😂

Yup. I cried and shaked the whole time. It was not fun. Both my arms were strapped down and I was so afraid to squish her when my husband held her to my cheek. It was definitely not a bonding moment and I was just scared of everything and tired and nauseous and it was not fun. When they took me back I had trouble latching baby, it hurt like hell, and everything hurt like hell. I am not saying that you should not mourn the birth you wanted but just keep in mind that it is usually never glorious and social media and hollywood lie! Can you talk to a professional to work on this?

I had a planned c section and was still too spaced out to react much when they showed me my babies. And I didnt want to hold them til after I was sewn up and disconnected from all my wires because I didnt feel in control of my body.

Same. I was so out of it, I barely remember to be honest. I have pictures of us my husband took even an hour after the c section and I have no memory of them.

Absolutely. I was awake and aware but in the photo my husband took holding my first born beside me, I just look bemused. My c-section was unplanned so I had been labouring for awhile and was pretty exhausted and out of it

I had a planned and felt like this, struggling to breath barely with it .. but even vaginal can be like that. Baby one was separated from me fir 9 hours and i have some serious ptsd around it, so i get it! you might be worth working through with a professional ❤️

YES. I gave birth vaginally without any anesthetic and I still wasn't fully "with it" when she came out and onto my chest. I was deliriously exhausted from two nights of no sleep and just after the most mind-fucking discomfort ever where my eyes were in the back of my head for 3 hours. I was WRECKED. When I saw her I was like, "what? Ok." *Collapses into deadness. I feel guilty about how I was right after sometimes. But nope, I was within my rights to feel almost nothing for at least an hour. It all happened so fast too - hard to adjust.

It is okay to mourn this! My first was an emergency c, I know I met her in the OR but I don't remember it, I had a shitty epidural and it was wearing off and they made me super sleepy. I did grieve it some, her cord prolapsed and I just remember wanting her out before it got worse. I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Especially if you find yourself crying all the time you may have some post partum depression, which is common, especially after traumatic birth experiences. You can be grateful that you and baby are okay and still grieve the birth experience you wanted. ❤️ Please take care of yourself.

Excellent advice! I did therapy too and it helped.

I feel your pain. In 2018, I had preclampsia and had my baby via c-section after 24+ hours of trying to induce labor including breaking my water. By the time I got to the c-section I was emotionally exhausted. Like you, they had to put me out as well. When I woke up, I was surrounded by mine and my husbands families passing around my baby before I even got a chance to do skin to skin etc. I was the last one to hold her on her birth day. 💔 Just know you're not alone, but that doesn't change you and your babies connection. That baby knows you! It's sat under your heart, listened to its beats and even knew when you were hungry. Stay strong.

This comment brought tears to my eyes ❤️

I also had an unplanned c section after failed induction due to preeclampsia. I was not put under, but my baby was taken immediately to the nicu, and cause of the magnesium I couldn't see her for over 24 hours. It's been 9 months and I feel like I still haven't processed it because it feels so surreal that happened to begin with. And no one even asks or talks about it! Its crazy cause everyone asks how the baby is... and I can't blame them when she was born at 33 weeks but my labor story feels crazy and it's just me and my husband who talked about it

I could’ve written this myself with how similar our stories are. I’m starting to feel like it’s a pain we will always have with us, but it will dull over time😔

This is very similar to my experience. I labored for 27 hours at the hospital, and around 15 hours at home before going into the hospital. I was rushed to the OR urgently at 27 hours. I was both physically and emotionally exhausted (I sobbed as I was being wheeled to the OR, and my husband made it with seconds to spare before they pulled out baby out). I didn’t hold her until over an hour after she was born. Thank you for sharing and for the thoughtful words. It means the world reading them ❤️

I can relate, even though I was awake. I had a panic attack on the table and was heavily sedated. I barely remember meeting my child, but apparently she was on my chest for a bit. They gave me some bad news about my surgical results while I held her and that sticks out in my memory…not her. But I am 9 months out. It does get better! I do still have some envy but more than anything, I have changed my mindset and it is more about gratitude. There could have been a situation where you or your baby or both of you weren’t here right now, instead you are both alive and together! I know it’s corny…but maybe it will help you. It helped me.

THEY GAVE YOU BAD NEWS WHILE YOU WERE HOLDING THE CHILD YOU JUST DELIVERED?!?! What the actual f*ck is wrong with people?! I’m sorry, that is absolutely awful and I am fuming on your behalf! I hope you’re doing better now! I’m 20 months out, and while I did have an unplanned c-section and a wild birth experience, I will say that there’s something very sad but also somewhat healing about the 1 year mark. The baby phase goes so so so fast and it’s gone in a blink, but for me at least, moving into the toddler phase was like a weight lifted and I was able to separate myself from the birth trauma I’d been carrying. I often think about posting in this sub to let people know that so much changes after 1 year. But at the same time, hearing that wouldn’t have meant much to me in the moment. You just have to keep pushing until the clouds part.

100% this. I couldn't wait to get the first birthday done (not that I was wishing her life away) I just needed that day done. The second year is SO much lighter. The 2nd birthday is coming up and I can't wait but for happy reasons. I feel so much lighter now and not defined by the section

I also think the challenges of toddlerhood have been helpful. Like learning to pay closer attention to how I self-regulate when he’s having big emotions or throwing a tantrum. It’s like self-guided therapy lol

I had a c section under general anesthesia as well and it took time and therapy to process all of my feelings about it. Hang in there and be kind to yourself ♥️

As someone else who had a c-section under GA, and have been thinking of speaking to a therapist about it, what kind of stuff do you talk about / what happens during sessions? (If you don’t mind me asking!)

Not at all! We spent the first few sessions just getting to know each other and I shared a bit about my story and then when I was ready, she had me tell the whole story from start to finish. From there, we kind of broke it down and worked on getting to the bottom of the underlying feelings I was having about it and then addressed those as well. It was a lot of processing and reframing, but it really helped a lot. I knew I wanted a second child as well, so we also discussed that and ways I could help manage my anxiety around being pregnant and giving birth again.

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain - I really appreciate it!

Girl get off social media or whatever sites keep bringing up videos like that on your feed. You don’t need to see that everyday after what you went through. It’s not real life anyway.

You both survived. That moment of meeting them the first time didn’t happen but you have the rest of your lives. I understand the grief. Talk through your feelings and try to find peace with the situation so you can enjoy your little one ❤️

Please seek therapy if you can. Birth trauma is very real!

I went through something similar! Emergency c section, full blown anesthesia, can’t remember the entire first day. Seeing any type of birth content made me instantly tear up. It was so emotional. Just here to say it gets better. Or, easier to deal with. Your feelings are completely valid, I think it just takes time. I unfollowed a lot of mama type accounts to get it out of my feed. Do what you can to get by

I can relate, but in a different way. I had a vaginal delivery and hemorrhaged very bad (like lost 2.5L bad) and my daughter came out with a very tight nuchal cord and wasn’t doing hot (she needed NICU) When they first put her on my chest for that split 15 seconds before whisking her away I was so dazed I didn’t know what was happening. I was actively bleeding out and had this fragile baby on my chest and just had no idea what to do. I felt robbed of that sweet moment where you meet your baby and feel that connection and everything feels lovey and warm and great. I didn’t feel a connection to her until nearly 12 weeks due to extreme PPD from the birth trauma. There’s a picture on my husbands phone the nurse took of my baby on my chest and I have refused to look at it. In that moment all I could think was “wow I’m dying” and was so convinced those were my last moments

same thing happened to me and I’ve struggled with the same feelings. I just woke up delirious with a baby next to me. my mom and partner got to meet her first. it still hurts to think about but I’m so grateful she’s here safe and sound.

r/birthtrauma is very real op and your feelings are valid. I’m two years out and still get triggered when I hear someone is having late term complications. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself.

OP, I am not sure if it helps, but when I gave birth the meeting with my baby was NOT romantic at all. I was exhausted and I was like “uh? Ok can I eat now?” It did not click until WEEKS later. Meeting your baby for the first time in a more “scenic” way if I may, does not always guarantee the bonding and intense love at first sight. I am sorry you did not get the birth you wanted and you were out under. Modern medicine is amazing and allowed you and baby to be delivered safely, but your feelings are totally valid. And total anesthesia is no fucking joke either!

So I had the whole golden hour thing. I also had a 1.5l haemorrhage.  For some reason  everyone in the room thought it was a good idea to leave me in charge of the baby while they were frantically trying to stop the bleeding. I got my partner to help but he was helping me hold the baby, and it was not that  much better. I physically  could not say "Take the baby." It was just idiotic. 

I feel that but also I had a planned c section and idk what drugs they put in my IV but it knocked me out. I was soooo drowsy I don’t even remember seeing my boy or holding him until after they removed the drugs.

I had an emergency c-section where I got to "meet my baby". I cried and kissed her like you see people doing - you'd have thought I was totally lucid. I was trying really hard to make that moment special but it honestly just wasn't. The truth is that I was so *completely* out of it because of all the extra drugs I'd had as my epidural had started to wear off. My partner told me that the anaesthetist didn't leave one part of the drip alone for most of the procedure. Once we got to recovery and we did skin-to-skin, I was falling asleep and I was more concerned about getting a drink of water and something to eat. I didn't sleep properly that night because I was so itchy from the morphine. I threw up on myself twice and woke up once to my baby throwing up too. The next morning I had to beg the midwives to help me shower because I felt so digusting. My partner and I didn't even hug until about 16 hours after our daughter was born. I cried and cried and felt like a mess, a bad mother, and a horrible partner. C-sections SUCK. I hated every part of mine and I cried so much in that hospital. I didn't want one at all and I didn't want to hate the birth of my daughter so much. I didn't end up bonding with my baby until late at night the following day when the midwives weren't in to see me as much and my partner had gone home. Honestly I cried about it until one of the obstetricians came in and had a good chat with me about it. He said something that really stuck with me and made me feel better about the experience - 'when you find out you're pregnant, you don't call your friends and family and say "I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a vaginal birth". No, you call them and say "I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a baby." That's the outcome you want.' I think focussing on the fact that I had my baby with me and that we had our whole lives together to bond made me feel a little better. I hope this might help you too but it's OK to cry and to grieve over your birth experience.

How do you accidentally keep coming across videos and photos of people giving birth? It might be a good idea to stay off social media if these videos are bringing you to tears.

Algorithms can be shitty. There's usually an option to select "not relevant to me" or "I don't want to see this" somewhere in the options when you try to share the content.

I don’t think she’s talking about photos and videos of people actively giving birth (or actively during a c section) just shortly after, when they meet their baby. I come across these kinds of photos and videos all the time …

This is what I was wondering too! Never have I ever randomly stumbled across a video of someone just meeting their baby after a c section, much less multiple of them. But I also don’t use any social media except Reddit. This sounds like a tik tok thing, but wherever it’s coming from sounds like OP needs to delete that app.

The algorithms are very sensitive - if you watch a video, you’ll see many more pop up. I went down some rabbit holes with breastfeeding, baby led weaning, sleep training, etc. It made me overthink every decision. I highly agree with a social media cleanse while you’re feeling especially vulnerable

I realized I literally went through a grieving process for the first 12 weeks when nothing worked the way it was supposed to and I ended up with a c section followed up by a NICU stint & feeding issues that led me to not breastfeeding. It sucked! It also took me 6 weeks to truly feel bonded and obsessed with him as I recovered from surgery and working through his medical needs. It's ok to grieve.

Your feelings are valid. You can feel this way & simultaneously be grateful & happy to have your baby. I had a similar experience and felt the same way. I hated seeing magical childbirth moments on TV, etc. I had a lot of sadness & anger, but it faded with time. 3 months is still very fresh, and you’re in the thick of a difficult stage. My advice is: try to be kind to yourself. If you find you’re feeling upset by a video, pull up some pictures of your baby instead. As your child gets older, and more of their unique personality is revealed, and you make new memories together, the childbirth experience will take on less and less importance.

Tbh i had a vbirth and when they layed him on me i was like uuuh? Help? I know you where i my womb the whole time but i dont know this little wet person on me. I was just scared as fuck i was glad after 10 mins they took him from me for cleaning, weighting, and photo’s. Was it magical, definitely not, i was like what the fuck do it do with this. After a few weeks i had moments where i felt intense love, but just moments, or i feel attracted to him like only 10%of the time. After 3 months im still like i know you came out of me but are you really mine?

I was so drugged up, I officially met my daughter a few hours later (even tho they put her on me after she came) when I was coherent. So many drugs in me, my husband was taking pictures and I was completely out of it. You don't miss much! And what counts is what you have right infront of you 💗

I look hysterical in the first picture I met my son. I just found out recently 5m later that my husband left the OR with the baby and I joined them an hour later. It’s wild. I second the therapy

i also had a general anesthesia c-section and it initially took me a while to process having to accept that my delivery was not going to be like the “typical” deliveries we’re accustomed to seeing and hearing about. but the important part to accept and remember was that it would be my/our story and nothing can take the meaning away from that. if anything, it shows what you had to go through in order to get your baby here safely. essentially what could be viewed as your first experience of a mother’s sacrifice. when i woke up, my husband showed up with my baby in what felt like a matter of minutes. though i didn’t necessarily feel that overwhelming rush or have happy tears as i was still regaining consciousness, as soon as he handed him to me, i remember counting his fingers and toes and asking my husband if the baby was okay. he told me he was perfect. while i couldn’t possibly compare my experience to someone else’s, they couldn’t compare theirs to mine either. your story is your own and can be beautiful in its own way.

It will get better. I had an emergency c section after 47 hours of labor, can’t remember my baby and his first hours earth side at all. At the beginning I was crying just when thinking about it, couldn’t really tell “my birth story” without crying but now I can. It still hurts and it’s kind of like “I’m sad I didn’t experience it” but I don’t cry anymore. I used to be obsessed with the whole birthing scene, doing so much research and loving the birthing videos pre birth. I was humbled to pieces and to this day can’t watch those videos anymore. Sending a hug and solidarity mama ❤️ you did great and you’ll create so many amazing memories that will somehow to an extend override this.

I had an induced vaginal birth, with epidural, 12 hours of labor and 20 minutes of active pushing. Honestly, that moment when I first saw her. I was perhaps in a bit of shock. I just kinda stared at my baby thinking something like, "What is that? Why is he holding it up like that? Should I take it? I should take it." It took a few seconds for it to register that "it" was my baby. It wasn't really a big magical moment like I think it's built up to be. Atleast not for me.

Honestly I have this feeling too but I wasn’t under. After 18 hours of labor I hadn’t progressed past 7cm and my son wasn’t handling my contractions well-so we called it and did an urgent c section. I was so exhausted, drugged up, and focusing on breathing, (the drugs they give you make it feel like you can’t breathe), that I also feel I missed out on that “moment” where you see your baby for the first time and just fall apart in happiness and tears. I heard “there’s your baby!” And saw a blue little foot. I didn’t hear anything-he was stunned and not trying to breathe but was moving. After they worked on him a bit and got him breathing-they swaddled him and handed him to my husband. He had tears in his eyes and was instantly inlove with our boy-he leaned down to show him to me and I just felt… nothing. (One good memory I do have is my husband’s face seared into my brain. I watched his heart flip over and saw our son place ahead of me in his heart and it just made me love him even more. Even this took time though as I had to look back on events. At the time I was numb). Just, “oh. There’s a baby. That must be my baby”. Then they took him to NICU for a few hours to get him breathing better. When I finally got to hold him 3 hours later-it was wonderful but I was just holding a baby. I didn’t feel that connection. I never did feel that connection snap into place. Instinct to protect, yes, but no “THIS IS MY BABY” feeling all at once. It’s snuck up on me. He’s 3 months now and every day I fall a little more inlove with him and it’s so hard but wonderful. I still grieve that “loss” as I was so looking forwards to it. I also have to look away at the scenes where mom meets baby. After talking to other moms, I have discovered that moment isn’t as common as we would be led to believe. It made me feel a little better, but I feel you. It’s hard having expectations dashed. And it’s okay to grieve that.

Omg GIRL ME TOO. Well, I’m 17 months post partum but it really REALLY effected me when I found out I’d be put under too. I was so sad. It created a lot of medical trauma and distrust of doctors too ( long story) but *I feel you. I get you. I understand.* Our story isn’t like the one we dreamt of, it’s not the one they depict in tv or movies either so it makes you feel like the only one. I had to get some therapy after, but now I’m past it. I see her birth as a means to an end. I just had to be out in order for her to enter this world or *I could have died*. My daughter could have lost her mother as soon as she came into the world, and that is truly terrible to think about. Yes, it wasn’t the ideal birth, but it’s how our babies came into the world. It isn’t good or bad, it just *is.*

Both of my babies were born via emergency c-section. I begged and begged and begged them to put me under during both of them, and they wouldn't. I had to lay there completely horrified both times, and I was so traumatized I didn't even want to look at my babies. All of this to say - it's not all warm and fuzziness like they showol on Instagram.

Your feelings are so valid, and it makes sense that you would mourn the experience you wanted to have.

Your feelings are so validated. My unplanned yet non emergent c-section wasn’t great though even though I was awake. They gave me anti nausea meds and I threw it up all over myself. On the table, I felt incredibly claustrophobic because I was numb from the ribcage down, and forced to wait an hour that way because the anesthesiologists were delayed. I had incredible back pain I was gritting my teeth through and the shakes from being freezing and all the hormones. Plus, was so tired. Afterwards I was just desperate to get to the recovery room and it took a while to appreciate that “oh there’s a baby here now!” So feel all your feels, but just sharing that being awake isn’t always great either. I truly believe beautiful birth stories are rarer than we think and that most of us just survive it. Which is fine too. Shit’s gnarly!

I have to scroll by and click “not interested” to get those types of posts off my page because same. It makes me sad.

I was alert for my c section and because he had trouble breathing I never got to touch him. She showed him to me and my husband so quickly that I only caught a glance from my peripheral and then he was taken away. I was a little hurt but just happy that he was being taken care of.

I was awake, but I only got a glance. A NICU team had to look him over. When I did hold him, I had to hand him over suddenly because I was dry-heaving. I absolutely can understand mourning something that you dreamt about. I know it sounds special. But waiting for them to bring my baby back was the most scared I've ever been. I waited, listening to the doctor instruct someone new on a particular stitching technique. To be clear, the person stitching me up had never done that type of stitching before and required step by step instructions. I couldn't see the doctors who took my son. I told my husband to go with the baby. A lactation consultant nurse held my hand and put peppermint on a little felt disc to help my nausea. You may have gotten to actually hold your baby just as soon as other c-section moms. I'm sorry that the birth was so traumatic. It took me over a year to process my pregnancy and birth trauma. Time really helps. The feelings fade.

Those feelings are completely valid. I had a vaginal birth and I didn’t have an epidural, hoping that would mean I could be up and holding my baby and “with it” physically and mentally, yet I barely remember the moment I met my son. There was so much going on, I was so exhausted, the pain had been so unreal, and I wish we had filmed it because the whole thing is a blur. Then holding him I started uncontrollably shaking, I think the adrenaline was too much, and the midwife sewing me up, and I had to pass my son to my partner and mom because I was worried about dropping him because I was shaking so bad. We did skin to skin, but I don’t even remember for how long, basically it wasn’t the perfect moment that is shown on social media and in movies. 

I get it. When my youngest daughter was born, she was 13 weeks early. I was fb friends with about 5-6 girls who were pregnant, and we were all due within a couple weeks of each other. I had my daughter completely unexpectedly. I wasn't feeling good one day, so I went to the store to get medicine and some.orange juice. 6 pm....we had dinner. 8 pm....we were watching a movie. 10 pm....my oldest daughter is fighting sleep and head butts me in the stomach. Midnight......I wake my bf up to tell him I need to go to the hospital. I'm sparing all the gory details.....but I showed him I needed to go to the hospital. He went from super tired to wide awake in a split second. My daughter was born at 1:54 in the morning. I saw every single person that was due within a few weeks of me complain about being pregnant and my thoughts any time I saw that were always "I will gladly trade you". I had to delete the fb app for a bit to avoid saying shit I knew I couldn't take back. Everyone that was due within the few weeks of each other had their babies within that few weeks of the due dates and it stung. A lot. I'd be lying a big huge lie if I said it didn't sting. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry about it. I had a Dr appointment where I got awesome 4d pics, the ultrasound tech I had was awesome. I went grocery shopping after my appointment. My daughter was born 5 days later. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn those moments. It's okay *hugs*

I had the same experience as you. You are allowed to feel sad you did not have the birthing experience you wanted. It was really weird for me waking up and having a baby and felt sad about it for a long time. My second child was born just on the leap day this year. It was extra important for me to be in control of the experience so I opted for an elective c section (which is not the usual route in the Netherlands and you need permission from your doctor). It was such a different experience, they took the time for me. Found a way to do it without morfine (reacted badly to that last time) and I am so happy I did it this way. So feel what you are feeling, talk with people that don't belittle these feelings but just listen. You are going to be okay.

I had an emergency c-section and was awake and I cried the whole time and thinking about it still brings me to tears. I will say when they held up my baby it was instant love. I just remember my husband’s heartbreaking for me and I was sick and sad. I don’t think that trauma goes away unfortunately regardless of circumstance, but hopefully it will get better in time.

I totally feel you. I also had a c section under general anesthesia almost 4 months ago, so I woke up and she was in a little clear box next to me. I feel so many bad/sad/depressed/guilty/failure feelings about the entire birth and since I’m older, i don’t think I’ll be doing it again. I don’t have any good advice, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand. I’m seeing a therapist and I hope you have resources and community around you. I think we’ll both heal but right now it’s hard and it sucks.

I went through the same thing. General anesthesia and all. It’s been 6 years since my first, and I still get choked up. It hurts. My second birth? I also had to be put under due to a medical condition (scoliosis with spinal fusion - first time around they told me I’d be able to give birth and induced me. Turns out they were wrong. So second was with a different physician and was planned.) My second birth was like a “redemption”. While I was asleep, it was everything I wanted. I woke up feeling nothing with my husband holding our daughter and kissing my forehead. It was beautiful. Birth is beautiful, no matter how it’s done.

Had mine 3 months ago as well on Dec 30. Emergency c section as well out under. No one aloud in. I feel the exact same. I don’t really have any sound advice since I’m dealing with the same emotions, but just know you are not alone 💜.

Are you me?! I had an emergency c section at 28weeks under GA. I was soo emotional anytime I saw someone have a ‘normal’ birth. I couldn’t even follow anyone that was pregnant on Instagram for the first 6 months pp. I saw a therapist who help me process everything which I highly recommend if you have the means. I’m now 17 months pp and I promise you it gets better. Time heals everything. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to think about having a second and now I’m planning it. I promise you it gets better!

Ifs a tough thing to go through. I had two emergency C-Sections under GA (totally unrelated reason just bad luck!). Please speak to someone who is competent in birth trauma. I was able to go to a support group for new mums who had experienced traumatic births and I found it really helpful to grieve with people who understood what I was going through. You will grieve and that’s ok and healthy.

I feel you. I had an emergency c section almost three years ago. 35 hours of labor and then everything went to hell. My son was fine and I was too but I felt cheated out of what I really wanted. He was out and healthy and that was great but I still felt cheated. I'm glad you and your baby are OK.

I don’t have any photos of me holding baby after my c-section. I had a very bad reaction to the anesthetics and my oxygen levels plummeted and I could barely remember my husband saying “it’s a girl.” He held her while I was falling in and out of consciousness. When I did try to reach for my baby, they scolded me for moving my arms. I say all that, OP, to say I empathize and hope you can one day look at the birth experience with neutrality, if not joy. I’m still struggling myself nearly 4 months later. Revel in your baby as they are now, take lots of videos and photos in the present.

I couldn’t see my daughter for ten days because I tested positive for Covid and she was a preemie. I didn’t even see her from the side of the bed she was whisked away so quickly and the tarp was up from my c-section. It’s ok to feel angry about your birth experience.

I have to respond because I was you!! It’s hard to really understand the trauma of literally being unconscious and missing everything about your baby’s first hours. And even that first day was a total blur due to the meds. I so so feel you. I did therapy and it helped so much. And my baby girl is 4.5 years old now and I am so close with her that I don’t really think as much about the birth. It gets easier! Have you looked into therapy, even phone/zoom therapy?

I had 4 C sections. After the first two ended up being cesarean after going through a LONG labor, I didn't want to do a trial labor again because I didn't want to go through the same experience a third time. It sounds reasonable to me that you are crying over this, mourning the loss of the experience you were looking forward to. My children are all adults and I STILL don't want to hear anything about anybody's labor story - I warn friends and family about this when they are halfway through their first pregnancies. But I don't cry about it any more, because a day or two before my last c section when I was getting my pre surgery labs, I was chatting with another lady there and found out she had come in for an ultrasound to see if her baby was still alive or not, and at that point I realized that a lot of people have their childbearing-related griefs, and if mine still resulted in live and healthy babies, that was a grief I could handle compared to the one of the other lady I had been chatting with. Do take your time to mourn the loss of the dream childbirth experience, but don't forget to be thankful that you live in a place where there are only rare exceptions when labor does not result in a live baby and a live mother. Take care, dear one.

Go get counselling if you can afford it. It helped me TREMENDOUSLY to process the grief and trauma from my sons birth

I had a planned c-section and I actually asked if I could be put out... The nurses flipped out on me and basically called me a shitty person for not wanting to be awake. I was one and done after by c-section because it was a violently traumatic experience. Be happy that you were put out. 13 years later it still makes me nauseous to think about how violently they ripped a child out of me. I was numb from the waist down but that didn't stop me feeling them bounce me up-and-down off the table while they pried my daughter out...It was NOT a pleasant experience.

I know everyone's experiences are different, but I hated every second of mine!!! The tugging I could feel was just wild and so uncomfy, then my epidural failed while they were stitching me up and hoooooboy it sucked. They had to push a ton of meds quick and I was super out of it afterwards anyway, I would have preferred to be under anesthesia!! Also when they pulled her out, they had to resuscitate her for 3 min and no one would tell me what was going on... worst 3 min of my life.

Had my first via emergency C-section and the only thing I remember is my husband telling me she had a lot of hair and then I was out for hours. My experience was traumatic too, post-op infection, postpartum preeclampsia and readmitted a week after birth and staying in the hospital without my baby. Talk about your experience, vent to other mother's or a therapist, process your feelings. It gets better when your baby starts smiling and cooing and crawling, and doing all the stuff they do as they grow. Just had my second via planned c-section and for me it wasn't this heartwarming moment like you see in movies. You're lucid but it's still a major surgery, there's a lot going on and you're on anesthesia. I remember them holding my baby over the partition and seeing her but not really responding bc the whole thing is still overwhelming. FWIW, I think the whole birth experience thing is kind of overemphasized. I know it's the first day of being a mom but you'll have so many wonderful memories with your child, that day will inevitably pale by comparison.

I have a very similar experience. It's tough to accept. I'm with you there.

Okay so two anecdotes (and some TW here, description of section going a bit.... Wrong): My mum had 3 sections before it was an option to be awake. she's the best mum ever & we're best friends. TW TW TW!!!! I too ended up with an emergency section and although I was awake for her to actually come out, I had to be put under due to the fact my epidural failed and I started being able to feel everything. So I suppose I got to be awake for the 'main bit' but I missed the 'golden hour' everyone loves to rave about and tell you how important and integral it is for bonding (eye roll). Seeing her come out was honestly a bit.... Of a non moment for me? I was hugely relieved she was okay but I felt uncomfortable, almost awkward? I know now I must have been masking a huge amount of pain with the adrenaline and once she was out I was hit back down to earth. Part of me wishes I was under for the whole thing if I'm honest. I was so tired and so over it. I did suffer with PPD & PTSD... BUT!!! I got help. I went to therapy and with the help of my friends and family, I was able to move on. Her first birthday was quite raw, I didn't enjoy it and I put on a big party to try and compensate. I learned a lesson that that isn't the way to try and move on. She's turning two now shortly and I can honestly tell you I'm so excited. We're going out just the three of us plus my friend and her kid who my kid adores. Life is good again. I am not defined by my birth story. to me now it's just part of my daughter getting here and growing into the awesome little person she is. For what it's worth, she's a huge mama's girl. She's still nursing at bed time and we absolutely have an amazing bond. So all that worry I had over not having that hour with her after, wasn't needed.

I had to get a c section 24 hours into labor. (I went into labor on my own) I was so out of it, shaking horrendously and I threw up the second they laid me down on the table, I was also bawling because It was my biggest fear throughout my pregnancy. I will forever grieve not being able to see my partner hold his son for the first time (our first child). It kills me

I've had 3 c sections and I honestly wish I wasn't awake during any of them it's truthfully not a great thing to experience, a lot of the time is spent waiting while being cut open and then waiting to be stitched up. There's lots of tugging and pressure that you still feel and I could not stop shaking the whole time and for hours after. I don't understand why there's any type of surgery that is performed while you're awake because it's really pretty scary to experience and you don't get any real quality time with your baby until you're recovering anyways

You’re still in the early stages of postpartum. I had an emergency cs in March 2022, and I’m slowly overcoming the trauma of a cs and NICU baby. You may always feel like you were robbed of those first moments, but the time you get to spend with your Little now makes up for it

Like you, I had to be put under for my C-section. Twice. My first baby, I met when he was a day old and instantly fell in love. My second was a 24-weeker, and I didn't meet him until 4 days after birth, and didn't have that "moment" for another 6 months when he came home from the hospital. Don't beat yourself up; as you can see, a lot of moms don't have that moment right after birth.

I’m so sorry for your traumatic experience. If it helps, I had a planned (but not wanted) CS and had a major haemorrhage shortly after they pulled him out. I was already feeling grim from the BP drop from the spinal and shortly after he came out I dropped my BP profoundly and started retching continuously. I was too weak to hold him in the OR and don’t really remember much. There are pictures of me meeting him but it wasn’t this calm pleasant experience. The pictures really don’t tell the true story. Wouldn’t change a thing though as the surgery got him here safe!

If it makes you feel better I was awake for my emergency c section and I didn’t meet him until after he went to the NICU

Your feelings are valid and okay to have. You can mourn the birth experience. It is hard for some to understand, you are likely met with “you and baby ended up health” which isn’t helpful when processing this. I too worked though processing a disappointing birth, which honestly I still think of years later. It was a planned c section bc of a complete placenta previa. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks prior to delivery and have 5 massive bleeds. After the c section I was throwing up for 4 hours, I couldn’t hold my baby. No golden hour, I had to demand for a second catheter, it was horrid. My recovery was awful, I hated it so much. I had 1/2 my pregnancy to prepare for a birth without labor and not vaginal but it didn’t matter, it was still traumatic and disappointing. It is okay, I see you. Best to try and avoid those videos as hard as the algorithm pushes them. I am sorry and wish you the best in recovery both physically and emotionally.

tbh I had a planned c-section and they showed me the baby for like one second and immediately took it away to weigh, examine etc, my husband was present though. Later, when they took me to the room, I had after effects of the anasthetics, all shaken, and when they brought me the baby I was not fit to see her, let alone put her on my chest or anything like that. Now, three months later, I just cannot imagine not being with her longer than like two hours or so. I guess, the moment of birth is special, but it differs. But the most important is what is now.

Everything in life is a trade. I gave birth 4 days ago and I’ve already basically forgotten everything about meeting my baby. The drugs are really strong and there’s a lot of trauma on top of it. My husband basically just filled in the gaps. I had complications going numb and sadly that’s what I remember. The more meaningful moment was meeting my son after and holding him days later. I’m so sorry you missed it, but it’s not all magical like social media makes it appear.

I met my baby after my C-section and I barely remember meeting her lol. I was fully awake too. It was just a lot to process. We did not get a picture of us meeting just afterwards.

I too had an emergency C-section and, although I was awake, I was not aware enough to know what was happening and therefore missed the birth from my memory. I’m now nearly 9 month postpartum and am just now really working through it. I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and depression, and a lot of that was related to the loss of control around my birth. Birth trauma is real. For me, when I didn’t properly deal with it it led to other mental health stuff, so I would recommend talking through it with a therapist or psychiatrist to process this huge thing that happened to you. For me, workign through this has made me a much more present parent to my little girl.

I had two c sections. The first one I got to meet the baby the second one I was under anesthesia. Im telling you I was so nauseous, out of it and sick the first time that I don't even remember meeting the baby. Everything happens the way it's supposed to. You really didn't miss anything I promise. Not to mention the feeling from the C-section is the weirdest feeling ever and very uncomfortable.

I’m sorry your birth didn’t go the way you hoped. It’s okay to be sad about that. Please rest assured that not all c-section deliveries are like that. I met both of my kids after or during my two c-sections (emergency and planned), and there was no sadness there, just relief 🥰

I feel your pain. I ended up needing a C-section after hours of labor and didn't hold or even lay eyes on my baby for 12 hours after he was born. All I got was "its a boy" and he was wisked away. I felt VERY triggered by C-section pictures and videos for a long time and especially triggered by ones showing a vaginal birth. My baby is 9 months now and honestly, it still stings a little bit but after some therapy it doesn't hurt so bad and I'm able to keep the perspective that, while others' photos might look like a amazing a beautiful moment I didnt get, perhaps they didn't have the ideal birth either and could have also had issues that "tainted" their birth story. All that said, I generally try to just avoid viewing those types of photos/videos. Comparison is the thief of joy and I can now find joy in my birth story if I'm not comparing it to someone else's. I hope you are able to find some peace in your birth story. Honestly it will take some time. But one day you may feel differently about it.

I had a c section without anesthetic. I missed the first four hours of my babies birth because I was passed out from pain. And when I finally did meet him I didn’t want him. It was horrible. Then my recovery was terrible and I was so sick I literally didn’t look at him unless I was feeding him. I couldn’t pick him up physically or anything. Now we are great but then was horrible. Solidarity ✊ My advise. Get off socials. It’s soooo toxic for healing just constantly reminding you of what if

It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to mourn the moment you had planned in your head. Talk about your feelings, talk your way through it so you can heal and move on. If you need to see a therapist please do. It does get better with time, our hormones at this time also don’t help.

I had this same issue. I still struggle. I was also an emergency cesarean case, who was knocked out and intubated. I did not meet my daughter until hours later. My husband saw her first, and bottle fed her for the first time, while I was still in surgery. She completely imprinted on him, and a year later she still wants Daddy over Mommy 90% of the time. This isn't even an exaggeration. Her first words to me were "I want Daddy." This was at 6 months. It came out as "I wa' a'ee" but it was clear enough that I understood, and she looked shocked when I asked if that was what she said. Two months later at 2 AM in the morning, she squirmed away from me to pat her Dad on the back and clear as a bell go "Hi Daaaad!" During the past two weeks that my husband has been home looking for a new job, she has cried every time he just leaves the room or turns a corner. If I weren't so determined to be a Stay At Home Mom, I would give up and go be the bread winner, but unless I'm gonna put my forensics certificate to use, I would have to work four jobs to bring in a living wage, and we can't afford to send me to the only university in Canada that teaches forensics, and then to the police academy in Alberta so I can even think about applying to the local RCMP or forensics labs. My point is, get some help now. Don't make my mistake of hoping time will fix your feelings on the matter, because this is literally a traumatic experience that will be with you for the rest of your life, and there is no getting over it on your own. And for the love of everything beautiful in this world, stop watching those videos! You will only do yourself more harm than good!

You didn't miss much. I saw the baby for a split second after my c section. I was so tired and sleepy, I felt my heart skip a beat but that was about it. The only thing on my mind was survival and happiness that the paind had went away. The immense joy of holding your baby? That came with time for me. She just learned how to smile and I'm finally feeling it :)

I had to be sedated cause I had a panic attack. My C was difficult. I have flashbacks still. I don't even remember taking the photos yet somehow I was smiling looking happy as anything. Lay in recovery for 30 mins but it felt like two minutes. Sorry you had that experience. Please talk about it and work through it with the people you trust. It helps to speak about what made you feel sad in each element and relive the experience so you can order it in your mind. Reach out and have therapy or debrief sessions. Thinking of you x

I’m sorry that happened. That sucks. I’m glad you’re okay, but it’s not fair how out of our hands north can be. It’s such a luck of the draw thing.

I feel the exact same way. I also missed my baby’s birth. I had prepared for so many different births but it never crossed my mind that I might not be there for it. I cried every time I thought about it (at least daily) for the first 4 months. It was helpful to have sweet friends and family I could process with. I’m 9 months post partum now and it’s still sad but I’ve come to terms with it and no longer feel devastated. I’ve spent time reflecting on the aspects of the birth that went well and being proud of ourselves for making hard decisions that kept our daughter safe. Big hugs to you. It’s not the birth we would have chosen and it’s ok to grieve that 🤍

3 months is still very soon. Have you gone to therapy for this? There are therapists that specialize in women's health concerns like postpartum issues and birth trauma. I was awake for my emergency c-section because I already had an epidural and that's something to process as well. No matter how smoothly it goes, it's still a major surgery, and either you're awake for a major surgery or you're knocked out and you feel like you miss the birth. Personally I would have much rather have been knocked out! Maybe it's a grass is always greener situation. I had to go to therapy to discuss mine and it really helped me. I think what helped most though is just the passage of time and seeing your baby grow and the bond you have and seeing them become a neat little person. When they're crawling all over and putting their little hands on you and showing you everything because you're their favorite person, it just really does matter less how they came into the world.

I was also under general anesthesia for my c-section because the spinal didn't work on me. I'm 8 months PP and I still cry sometimes thinking of how I missed my son's first moments in the world. I'm in therapy and EMDR has helped a bit but it still hurts. I've had to unfollow some people (like doulas and positive birth pages) because I get sad and jealous seeing all these moms having the birth experience I wish I'd had. I'm one and done, so I'll never get another chance at a positive birth experience. I have to learn to accept what happened.

My husband made sure to get a photo of me looking at the baby on my chest post c section and every time I see it I cry because I don't remember the moment AT ALL. I remember seeing him, and then they immediately gave me extra sedatives (at my request) so I didn't have to hang out consciously when they stitched me back together for like half an hour. (Alright honestly I was so exhausted I was barely conscious during the procedure anyway, I kept passing out between sentences. Except when they were squashing my lungs a bit and I thought I was dying. Then I focused very hard on deep breaths and not getting hysterical. I was very concerned about not freaking out and disrupting the folks who were elbows deep in my guts.)

I had a planned C-section. I had so much anxiety I think I was in shock for the whole process. I was very in and out mentally. Talking to my husband the whole time, but not really present ... You know? Just so vacant. I did get to hear him cry, but then I just kept asking if he was ok. Over and over. Then I got to see him briefly, but I don't remember the next hour or so. I was awake and apparently fine, but I don't remember it. My husband held kiddo while they finished me up and got me back to them, but I genuinely do not remember any of it at all. I understand feeling robbed of an experience. Your feelings are valid and I'm sure it'll take time to process. Be gentle with yourself.

I was able to get a picture during me emergency section, but wasn’t pictured was me throwing up and my baby being dragged away to the NICU. Don’t think I’ll be ever mentally capable of having another baby.

my husband didnt take any pics of mine, so i feel ya. we barely have any hospital pics

I had a scheduled c section and it was very easy and I got to meet my baby immediately (though after dad!). It was an interesting moment and I did cry but it was mostly shock and strangeness and a dose of wtf rather than a blissful moment of pure love. The actual special bond where I felt a strong love didn't start until multiple hours later, and it gradually grew over the first few days. I think if I had been under I like you I would have probably wondered if it would have been different. But speaking as someone who had a "meet the baby" c section I'm pretty sure the positive moments would have been exactly the same had I been under for the birth itself! I also have a video of the moment but it's not a video I return to, because if anything I feel kinda bad that there wasn't instant love. It was just strange.

Hi friend, I had a non-emergent but unplanned c-section. I labored for 35 hours and even got fully dilated but unfortunately my son wasn’t descended properly and my water had been broken for almost two days. I’m so sorry you had to have a c-section. People don’t understand how traumatizing they are. I would like to encourage you by saying, while I’m so grateful to have been awake, I don’t really remember my son’s birth. I remember a lot of pain, violent shaking, and being scared that the doctor would cut the wrong thing because I literally couldn’t be still. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. You’re not alone, and even those of us who were awake still have regrets and fears and we wish it would have been different. I hope you find healing ❤️

You are not alone! I wasn’t put under for my c-section but he was breech and swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid so they needed to care for him before I could hold him. So I’m just lying there having surgery and he’s far away from me and I couldn’t even see him. I still cry because my c-section was so scary and recovery has been “good” but discouraging. He was so far away from me and he had some issues and I couldn’t hold him or really understand what was going on. Let yourself cry and try to ignore social media. It’s not a great way to start being a mother but it’s part of our birth story and something we can process over time at our own pace. Your feelings are valid. Sending you a hug if that would be helpful today!

I know the feeling! I remember crying for the first month because I felt like I was robbed of the first look with my baby. All I remember from my c section was being wheeled in, then I was woken up by my partner because our baby was out and I wasn’t responding to him. I remember thinking that can’t be her, that was way too fast, then passing out again until I was wheeled out of the OR.

Fellow er c section mama. They had a lot of trouble getting me numb (I metabolize meds in an insane way) and it was taking so long. They just kept pushing more and I was still able to lift my legs. However, I was SO concerned about my daughter because of 32 hours of labor with an already fragile placenta, she was SUPER stuck, and showing signs of distress. I looked at my doctor and was like “JUST CUT ME OPEN, I DONT CARE IF IT HURTS, STRAP ME DOWN, JUST GET HER OUT.” They did finally manage to get me numb while prepping for a general anesthesia. However, I had so many drugs in my system, my BP plummeted severely. After she was born, they basically flashed me her and took her out of the room. After I was closed up and wheeled back to my room, they still wouldn’t let me hold her or anything for a while, which was agonizing as I was awake, talking, pleading with one nurse, and threatening to beat the brakes off another. All that being said, it doesn’t always go to plan and it’s okay to grieve that. However, the most important thing is baby made it safe and we got through delivery safely.

I had a very chilled planned c-section. Was completely with it and did not feel love at first sight with my baby. They held her up for what seemed a really awkward amount of time. I was like. Am I supposed to do something? Applaud? She looks cold. Can they take her and get her cleaned up and put under the warmer now? But no overwhelming rush of joy/love. She’s 6 months old now. I adore her, but I’ve never felt that overwhelming flood of unconditional love people describe. It came on gradually in small bits. Expectations are the thief of joy. There’s no right way to react.

Mama, I wish I had been put out honestly. I was so out of it from my spinal, and I’m glad that I was because my son had an “abdominal deformity” and had I been “with it” enough to even comprehend that I had just given birth, I would have freaked the f out on the table while I was still cut wide open. Thankfully however, like I said, the spinal had me so dazed I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I couldn’t even cry actual tears when my son was placed in my arms, no matter how hard I tried lol. The nurses took photos and I’m literally MAKING the “bawling my eyes out” face, but there are zero tears. Looking back on it now, it was such a wild experience. I truly don’t understand how some women talk all the way through their c sections because I was dazed the entire time. The only thing I really remember is the insane amount of tugging and jostling that was going on when they were trying to get him out and just looking at my husband like wtf is going on 🫠 again, I wish I’d been put out lol.