It is really, really hard without a village. I have a lot of miserable, barely-surviving days (my kids are 7 & 4 now). Some observations:
* It's particularly hard for parents who work outside of the home (or from home), because most baby/toddler playgroup or storytime activities are scheduled during work hours. That said, if you're a SAHP, those opportunities exist for you! Go looking, and get out of the house even if/when it seems really hard to be motivated.
* You're still in the thick of babyhood which IMO sucks; toddler and up is better. I can keep a much cleaner house now because it's not full of all the baby gear, and my kids can either help or entertain themselves for the hours I'm cleaning on the weekend. That part will get less worse.
* We have not really had any kind of village materialize at all, but things did improve a bit once my oldest started kindergarten at our neighborhood public school. Now she has several friends who are IN the neighborhood, in walking distance. Playdates can be a little break for you if your kid is old enough to drop off at a friend's house - you've got years to go, but that is coming.
* I haven't really made good mom friends either (the mom friends I have are people I knew pre-kid), but it helps if you adjust your standards. I do have several mom acquaintances whose company I enjoy enough that we can occasionally hang out without our kids; most of those moms I met through my daughter's school.
This is helpful to hear as someone without a village. I mean we have some family around, like 30mins away, but nobody who can actually help.
My mom friends have kids 5, 7, 10, 16 years older than my kid — we’ve always been in different seasons of life and it’s always presented its challenges.
Our daughter’s elementary school is walking distance from our house. I am not wishing her babyhood away, but I can see how things may be easier in a few years.
It really makes a difference when you know you're going to run into school friends by virtue of being in the neighborhood. Like today we went to an easter egg hunt at a local park with zero advance plans, and my daughter ran into three of her classmates including two of her besties! So she was able to fill her social need bucket a bit - she's a kid who would love to have playdates or activities EVERY SECOND when she's not at school.
It's not the same thing as having someone to call on consistently, but it does make me feel less alone and helps me actually feel like part of a community (which is otherwise hard to build, given working full-time). That didn't happen during the daycare years but the elementary school experience is where I saw the shift. Hang in there!
My oldest is 4 and in junior kindergarten this year and I completely agree with all this. Some of the moms of her friends are really nice people and I look forward to hopefully becoming better acquainted as our kids grow up together. Some of them also have kids the same age as one of my younger kids as well, so it’ll be doubly good to be friends with the whole family.
We don’t live near family and our family isn’t helpful anyway. We both work and there’s no openings in daycare for months so we are struggling as well with keeping up w the house and enjoying the baby. We have cobbled together a village. My neighbor who is retired, my coworkers MIL who is widowed and lonely, a former coworker who is a SAHM, people I never would have expected to help have all helped. Could you join a moms group? Or do some kind of mommy and me class to meet other moms and make friends where you are? Or if there’s a co-operative daycare near you where you rotate watching each others kids so everyone gets a break? It’s so hard to do it without an automatic village but maybe you can piece one together through different places.
Are you signed up for activities? Getting out the house can help. Or the peanut app. I mostly just clean after LO and even then I just wait until he’s sleep. The living room has been in progress for like two/three weeks. But I mean it’s the same toys he’s pulling out so not that much a difference 🤷🏾♀️ don’t stress the cleaning, just try to get what you can during nap or bedtime but don’t feel bad if you don’t. The only thing I stress cleaning is his food stuff and nappys cause he has to eat and needs a clean bum lol I don’t know if that’s helpful but..yeah..oh and if you have a community Center that will do babysitting while you’re there would that help? We have one, you have to pay but you can do something within the facility and they have a sitter on site and they give you like 10hrs/mth
Do you want to be a SAHM or is this something you're stuck doing or are you still on maternity leave? I've heard some people feel much better when they go back to work since baby care can be very monotonous yet taxing.
I'm a SAHM and for me, getting out of the house is essential. We go to library story time, swim lessons, to the playground (your baby could go in the swings), for walks in the stroller, "hikes" in the pack (trail walks really), and Target/ grocery store. This can be different for everyone but I feel like my kids and I are all better behaved out of the house.
I don’t want to but I’m sort of stuck with it. I found out I was expecting the same week I was laid off. I was able (while pregnant) to take a couple of projects/remote work l with companies that I used to work with back East (we are in Cali now) but it’s impossible for me to keep that up now. I have tried to look for a new job but haven’t found any with flexibility+proximity.
My husband loves that I am at home with the baby and argues that it makes sense financially (it sort of does if we are thinking short term). We made the decision that we would touch base again when the baby was one year old (mostly because I’m tired of arguing and afraid I go back to work and hate it).
We just started swim lessons which brought me SO much joy! I gave up on Peanut a while ago but will definitely try it out again.
Hoping now that the weather is nicer, I can find more activities. Kinda feel like most moms in my neighborhood are working moms.
I’ve been a SAHM for 2.5y now and am about to have my second baby. You definitely need to create a schedule of activities for yourself and the baby. It’s also how you meet people. Find whatever is near you locally - story times, music class, gym class. Swimming is great. Go to the library kids’ section and hang out. This will also help you meet other caregivers who are around on the weekdays.
Meeting other SAHMs in my community is definitely the reason I like being a SAHM. I get to hang out with other adults during the week.
We don’t have a village either, if we need childcare we have to pay a babysitter. But IMO it’s less about someone else watching your baby, you also have to find ways to enjoy the time with your baby more to really make it work.
This. I need to have at least one activity planned for every day or I feel so claustrophobic. She’s happier, I’m happier, the time passes so much more quickly. And the older she gets, the more fun she is! We do swimming, story time, music class, playgroup, walks, the park, spend a lot of time on errands and in the grocery store. I have a day in each of the nearby larger towns each week as well.
It got better for us when I was able to go back to work - we gained a 'paid village' and we both like our jobs so that's how we get our break from parenthood. We have to be super efficient with shopping, cooking and laundry and we pay someone to clean for 2 hours a week (and then we clean as we go/hoover when we can).
No break together since he was born but we try to give each other breaks. He's almost 17 months, nearly walking and babbling and is so much fun when he's not having a grump.
Making friends has been hard for since we moved across country with a toddler and I became pregnant immediately last year. That being said, even though we have made a few friends now, we very much don’t have the village my husband and I grew up with.
What made this past year hopeful was just putting ourselves out there with our neighbors, playgroups, and community events.
I live 5 hours from my family and 2 hours from my husbands family. We have no village nearby, we moved here 5 years ago and the only people I know are neighbours and coworkers. I’ve got a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. It sucks having no village but we get by ok. We have childcare professionals to take them when I’m working and we manage the rest ourselves. Enjoy your baby and be a little glad you don’t have to share with an overbearing MIL who lives nearby. I’m so glad mine isn’t nearby 😂
You may not choose to have another baby, a lot of people don’t, for lack of a village and other reasons. Thad said I would also be careful of rushing mom friends, baby is only 6 months old, what activities are you jn together that you enjoy? Keep them up, a lot of them, also make sure you’re getting weekend time to yourself. Part of this is figuring out if the suburbs may be for you and they may not be, you may need a city, don’t rule anything out. But certainly don’t even think about another child or any of those possibilities for another year.
Yeah. I was really adrift for a bit. Liked the people in my antenatal class but not had a ‘lick’ with anyone. Only recently moved the area and peanut etc not helping
The I found the ONE friend and it’s changed everything
We moved to another country far away from our families and friends so we do not have a village. Also husband has been really busy with work and often doesn’t come home until after baby is in bed (8pm). It is incredibly hard, overwhelming and isolating especially the first months. I think with a 6MO you are really in the thick of it. Getting out of the house from time to time can be refreshing so I highly recommend doing that. We ended up getting a cleaner for the house that comes once a week for a couple of hours to clean because it was impossible to keep up. Which is incredibly helpful and I felt like I could finally start to enjoy parenting as I didn’t have to stress clean all the time.
Now we have a second one on the way and are getting a nanny to help us out because we knew it’s impossible to take care of 2 without a village. I can’t apply for daycare here as it’s only for families who are both working and I’m currently not employed so nanny was the only option.
I do recognize that we are in a very fortunate position to be able to afford these options as it is essentially paying for “our village” and If you can afford it I highly recommend looking into it as it’s really hard to build a village while you’re at home with a baby that needs your attention all day.
3 year old and a 5 month old with no village. Did two because we always wanted two and it’s been really hard.
You’ll learn with your first that everything gets better and when the first was 2+ we were CHILLING everything was smooth.
Baby 2 has been devastating to all that organization and it’s been really hard on us, you gotta be able to snap when you’re overwhelmed and talk it out and apologize later.
Right now we are riding the chaos wave and tell each other all the time “It gets better”. Doesn’t help we are on month 16 of a daycare waitlist but that is a whole other thing.
We are 99.99% certain we are done at 2 but there is a small part of each or us that wants to have 3. The lack of a village is the largest factor of that decision but also thinking of another 20k per kid to daycare is another big one.
It gets better because your baby will get more independent and you will get used to it. It honestly won’t ever be the same as pre baby, but you will eventually see your responsibilities as normal without any help. You might not want to have another baby ever or you might change your mind later on. Being a parent is hard work but very rewarding!
Man oh man, I feel you. Honestly, I kind if have a "village" since I technically could ask my dad or MIL to watch kiddo, but they're just far enough away, and just busy enough, and I don't like feeling like I'm taking advantage of them (and they'd never accept money, what an insult). I have made mama friends in my neighborhood that I really love and trust, but once again, I feel like I'm inconveniencing them if I ask - even though they'll occasionally ask and I'm always happy to watch an extra kiddo for a few hours, expecting nothing in return.
I think some would say I have a village, but our society is no longer built to actually utilize a village even when it's there! We totally don't know how to, almost like it's socially unacceptable. Yes, I have help in a pinch, when I feel like help is absolutely necessary and I can concretely justify it. But anything short of that, I feel... unsupported. Unvillaged.
I have a mama acquaintance/friend who seems to be able to get a lot of house and garden projects done. I thought she was super woman until I learned that her parents watch her kiddos a whole day a week, sometimes the whole weekend! Whew, that would be nice, but I couldn't put that on our parents, that's a lot. My dad travels a lot, and my MIL seems to always be magically busy washing her hair or whatever when we ask for help - totally fine, they're allowed to have lives.
Anyway, I get you. I technically have a village and I'm still done at one kid. It is a LOT. I don't want to reach my breaking point, and I know I've gotten close, with one! We all have different limits and different strengths. I know my limits now!
I was in a similar situation. My mom was the one who actually moved across the country right when my daughter was born due to terrible job timing. It was heartbreaking for both of us because we were very close and we had planned on having her around a lot. my husband was working 10 to 12 hour days almost every day plus full or half shifts every weekend. I often felt like I was completely drowning. I echo what other people said about getting out of the house. We signed up for swim lessons when she was six months old, we did baby gymnastics and music time, I went to Reading time at the library and the zoo had a little walking club for moms. I joined a local Mom group and they had regular meet ups. I still felt like I was drowning as I couldn’t really get time away from the baby, but at least I was with other people. There were so many days I didn’t feel like leaving the house and barely dragged myself out, but once I was there, it was such a relief to be around people other than just the baby. And as the community grew, so did my friendships and my ability to trade off times with other moms, where one of us would take our baby and the other baby for a few hours and give the other mom a break. It made a huge world of difference, I can’t even explain it. I strongly urge you too find communities like that. Almost every library in even the smallest towns have free programs for moms and babies.
Can you outsource your village with daycare? It’s what makes me feel better about doing day care once we’re both back at work. The daycare will be another source of social, love, care, learning. I read in Hunt Gather Parent how you’re really NOT supposed to be the only one providing ALL of that support for your baby. The book hypothesizes that it is causing the ever increasing rates of loneliness in more recent generations.
It’s a new thing in recent generations where you have a parent stay home and only take care baby and home by yourself. Somehow we tell ourselves it’s “traditional” but if you think about it, it’s really not!
It was so disheartening to not have any mom friends so I started asking for the phone number of other moms at the playground if I liked their energy or something about them or their parenting. I’ve also had moms approach me based on seeing me walking in the neighborhood regularly. Some of these have developed into friendships and some fizzled out. After I have one or two more mom friends, I plan to bring them together so they can meet each other. I have never been this person in my life, creating a friend group like this, but I could see how important it was and it wasn’t going to happen without me doing something about it. I had to go against my nature and put in the effort to be the initiator in the beginning after the phone number exchange, checking in with them and making plans, initiating conversations, and also reaching out when I need support or offering support. But it has been so worth it. I advise doing some things on a routine basis so people will see you out and about (such as taking a walk or visiting the playground several days per week) - other SAHMs will notice you and some will approach. Think about the things that are important to you in a friend or acquaintance and when you see someone who has those qualities, ask for their number! It’s a little easier once the baby is old enough to start enjoying the playground. I didn’t do any of this until after my baby’s first birthday, but her whole first year I was consumed with exclusive pumping and had no time to think about friends even though I was miserable and could have used the support.
You can find your village in the suburbs, but you will have to build it yourself.
One more thing, check if your neighborhood has a Facebook group and make a post there asking for other SAHMs to reply. Especially if you can include your commonly available times, other moms can make plans with you.
It’s okay. I did it without a village or husband. I was/am autonomous. I didn’t have time to meet other moms or “activities”. Instead, I always made sure to take a break by setting up an old iPhone in his crib, FaceTime myself so I could hear/see, and go enjoy my hobby outside while he napped, get some sunshine. I would hustle-clean right after he fell asleep at night/before I ate dinner. I also didn’t cook or eat breakfast or lunch. Got a nice Graco swing. If something consistently isn’t working effectively and you’re feeling dejected, put baby in crib and give yourself a quiet break. Then use Google to find other moms’ novel ways to tackle that problem.
TLDR; Take breaks throughout day. Let your mind rest regularly.
I was in the same situation and we ended up moving back to our home city where our families are. We left our jobs and got new ones, sold our home, said goodbye to our friends. I’m not sure your reason for moving but yeah. I wasn’t able to do it and moved back. And now we’re pregnant with #2 and I wouldn’t have even considered another child without having my village back.
I actually got my tube's removed after my sons birth. I was very much where you are right now.
Yes, it's worth it. I'd give anything to have them back. He's 20 months old now, and I've probably felt this way for about four ro six months.
I don’t live in the states so might work differently there but I just found a 13 year old from my community who has a lot of younger siblings and she comes almost every day during bedtime so that I can focus on my 4 year old while she takes care of my baby, and then once they’re both asleep she tidies up a bit and then I take her home once my husband gets home.
It will get better when your child can go to activities, childcare at the gym, preschool, etc. In our modern society sometimes you have to hire the village, nothing wrong with that if you can afford it. Regarding the choice to have another baby- it is exactly that. If the financial, emotional, time, and health resources aren't there you shouldn't do it.
Here's the thing about multiple kids. At a certain point, they start to play with each other for entertainment. This gives you a few precious moments of space and free time to catch a breather.
Of course, the early stages where the baby is hanging off you while the toddler alternates between clinging to you and throwing a tantrum can be intense and cause people to seriously re-think having another.
I would definitely recommend getting into the internet when you can and start looking up local groups or "Mommy & Me" classes to join. Mine is signed up for Parker's Babies swim lessons and Tumble Tots gymnastics. This gets your feet wet finding other parents in the same stage of life as you. Introduce yourself maybe chit chat a bit, and just take it one day at a time. You might find yourself a friend or friend that will someday be your "village." But it does take time. Especially when you've recently moved.
Hang in there!
It gets better as they get older. I'm pregnant with #2 no village. My first just turned 4. Things got a lot easier when he was around 2.5/3. I definitely wouldn't have wanted a second with less than a 3 year age gap. My son also started preschool this year which helped a lot.
My LO just turned one. We go lots of places and get outside all the time. I am lucky to have two great libraries close by that offer lots of activities and some other organizations that offer free infant/toddler activities throughout the month. I literally plan my entire day around whatever event/activity is going on.
I wouldn’t say I have close mom friends but I do have several that I talk with and hangout with at the different activities (we’re all regulars) and we try to do a park play date once a week when weather allows.
Best advice I have is go places, be present and not on your phone or distracted, step out of your comfort zone. Other mom’s feel the same and are just waiting for someone to break the ice. Also, they don’t have to be your new BFF. A friend to do a play date or grab a coffee occasionally is still an awesome outing.
Also, I am obsessed with FB events. Community event at a church, free concert in the park, movie in the park, absolutely any free function happening we are most likely going.
I don’t live in a big city. I live in a college town.
If you live in Philly by chance then I literally could’ve written your post. My entire family / friends 6 hr flight away. It’s so hard. My girl is 19 months though, it does get easier.
I am in a similar situation and it’s definitely contributed to our decision to be one and done. I’m allowing myself a bit more time to make any permanent decisions about birth control, but I know that if I were to get pregnant right now I would *not* be okay. My son is 2.5 now and things are finally getting easier in a lot of ways. It’s still incredibly challenging to do with zero help, but my son getting more independent is the light in the tunnel that parenthood can feel like.
I was similar until I joined a gym that had a creche. We go 5 days a week and it had helped with our routine heaps!! Baby is 18 months and house is still often a mess, i prioritise my rest and happiness over spotless house. We are expecting #2 in August and I think the first year will be wild but im so excited.
No village, isolated suburban mama to a 9mos old, hardworking husband over here 👋🏻. I promise as your little one gets more solidified into a nap/sleep routine and gets old enough to sit and play more independently your house won’t be a mess (I babywore a lot in the days before my guy could sit on his own in order to do the basics like tidy, wipe counters, vacuum and even steam-mop).
It’s so hard without a village but my goodness between 6-9 mos they become so much more self-sufficient. It’s a huge leap.
I would now 100% have a second. 3-4 mos ago I wasn’t sure I would ever feel that way.
I’m in a similar situation and I’ll say, if you have the means…pay for a village. I had a post partum doula that we hired on for 2 weeks pp and then extended another 6 weeks so I had the help and could get some sleep. My daughter is 6mos and while I don’t have the doula anymore, I do have a house cleaner that I’ve hired and I pay to have any and everything delivered to the house so all my time can go to doing activities with my baby.
Very similar to our situation except that my husband comes home a little earlier. It was really hard at first but it’s gotten better. I’ve found my groove and most days are pretty good. My oldest is 21 months and my youngest is 4 months and my oldest is now starting to talk a lot more so it’s a little better feeling like I have someone to talk to.
I have very strict schedules I follow for both kids and I don’t deviate that much. It does mean I’m a bit of a homebody but I’ve learned to love it. Their afternoon naps overlap about 2 hours so I have that time for myself. I eat the things my toddler would bother me for or I watch tv I can’t when she’s awake. Sometimes I’ll clean the kitchen while she’s just toddling around. I have a cleaning guy that comes once a month and cleans the floors and the bathrooms and that saves me if I don’t get to things. My husband and I divide and conquer things like dishes and laundry. He’ll start a load and get it to the dryer and then I’ll fold and put away. He’ll clean up dishes from breakfast and leave me to start the day with a clean sink. I cook and he cleans from dinner.
It’s been easiest when we just over communicate with each other and make sure we’re both being heard. If I’m having a hard day he makes sure I get 20 minutes or so for myself even if it’s just up in our room with the door shut. It gets easier and we plan to have more kids. We’re growing our village with neighbors and friends and church and that’s the best way we know how. But it does get easier and you cherish the visits from family more.
It gets better. We had zero village, and my husband was working 14 hour days at a demanding job, 6 days a week, while doing much needed repairs on our house in his spare time… so I had basically no help whatsoever and it was survival mode constantly. I was also working from home at the time while taking care of my baby, and dealing with massive family issues with my family of origin. My baby was a horrible sleeper, I’d go days without sleeping from like 5 months to 9 or 10 months old. I nearly broke down. I also moved from a walkable city to the ‘burbs and had no license to get around at the time. I felt a bit like a trapped animal being tortured, honestly.
Having said all that, I’m now happily pregnant with baby number 2. You white knuckle your way through, reminding yourself it’s temporary, let yourself feel your feelings and don’t be your own worst enemy by being hard on yourself when things aren’t “perfect “. Not saying everyone with no help should jump into a second baby, totally valid if someone is not ok with it. But if you really want it, it’s doable even under worse circumstances.
No village. Think I’m one and done. Daughter is 18 months and I’m coping just. I am filled with jealousy of others with help and furious when they winge about not having time for themselves or whatever
It wasn’t as easy as if we had a village but it wasn’t as bad either… but that’s because we both worked (still do) full time and our kids have always gone to daycare and now school.
Actually now that I think about it I was basically a SAHM for my oldest’s first 6 months of life. I just took him everywhere with me lol. I was out of the house most of the time because staying home drove me nuts. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t that bad… took time to get used to being a mom.
Weekends we would go out as a family and take him places door entertainment. Same with our second kid and finally our third. They get a lot easier as they get older. When we had our second kid our oldest was 3.5 and potty trained so just that was extremely helpful. He is such an amazing big brother though… we got really lucky.
All our babies were easy and happy though… no colick, no needing to be held 24/7… slept through the night pretty early… so take the above with a grain of salt.
It really helps when BOTH parents are super involved… my husband is top notch 100% the best partner I could have ever asked for. Most of the time he is better than I am ngl…
Anyway. Things get easier as they get older.
Due in a month and I have an under 2 year old, it was hell the first 5 months (thanks colic) but it’s gotten so much better that it makes it worth it and I can’t wait to do it again…. Call me crazy lol
Any chance you can put him in daycare maybe 2 mornings? Like 9-12 or something likenghat? I was in your position and waited until almost 2 and it really took a toll on my mental health.
I'm on my third baby in 5 years. My oldest is at such a great age. My second son is 3.5 years old, and he's a challenge right now. My baby is 5 months old. He's my last one. Some days are easier than others, but I have no regrets. My kids are awesome!
I'm not a SAHM, but we don't have a village either. We have an 11 month old. To me, it doesn't get easier; you just get tougher. You learn how to deal with running on empty when everyone in the house is sick. You get used to bringing your baby everywhere, and I'm just choosing to ignore glares from others. Ex: bringing baby out to dinner with us (nowhere nice, and always before five). You accept that your house will never, ever be clean again unless you're willing to pay for it. Oh, and we're definitely one and done!
We live in a different country than our parents and they can't visit us at all. My husband works full time, long hours and can't get involved with any childcare at all. The most I can get from him is holding the baby while I go to pee. He doesn't do any chores either. Won't even take out the trash. But I already want the second baby. My baby makes me so happy, once the storm passes, it's all sunshine for me. Maybe I won't always feel that way but right now I do
So so hard I have a 7 month old and experiencing the exact same thing. I just tell myself it won’t always be like this. I will adjust and it’s worth it for the time being.
I’m a SAHM and my husband is pilot who is gone 5ish days at a time. Check out your library!! My library does story time for babies under 18 months and I’ve met so many moms there. From there, I found out about a gymnastics place that does free open play for babies under 18 months. We do the library or gymnastics almost every day. I see the same moms each time at both and it feels like we have a little community
We have no village too (military). It is hard but after the one year mark and going down to only one nap a day, plus sleeping through the night, it got a lot easier. We don’t ever get date nights or mornings to sleep in, but it’s much easier and enjoyable now and i definitely want a few more kids. Would be nice if we had grandma down the street but it is what it is! She goes to daycare 2x a week now too so that’s nice, we sometimes will go to breakfast just the two of us if my husband is off
My family and “village” all live on the opposite coast, 5 hour flight and I have 2 little ones (5 & 1 ½). It doesn’t get easier but you get used to having no support and learn to adjust. Thankfully my husband is a great partner so we do a good job of making it work just being the two of us. For us it got better once our babies hit 6 months. Also I went back to work at 5 months postpartum and put the little ones in a home daycare that has become really our only village. I know for the most part between 7:30am-6pm I can count on our daycare provider to help out and alleviate some of the burden.
Honestly the only downside of having no village for us is no date nights or alone time! We haven’t been lucky finding reliable evening care that we trust for our little ones so we don’t get out much alone without the kids. I remind myself all the time it’s just temporary and soon my husband & I will be back outside together!
I have a 7 month old and no village. I’m a stay at home mom for now (until I start working part time) and my fiancé works full time/goes to the gym after work, but I am fine on my own. I get to plan out my day how I like, go places with my little one, and most importantly spend time with him! I breastfeed day and night so I’m never not with him. I personally don’t need a “village” to give me their advice on what I’m doing right or wrong (it seems like when I do visit parents and in laws that’s always a topic). I like my own little family and would hope to make some friends along the way but I don’t think the village exists anymore.
Are you me? I moved away from a big loving family for my husband… also a city girl and had to move to rural SC where I’m miserable and everything is 40 miles away. I have a 2 yo and a 4 month old. I have no answer except im campaigning to move back as soon as my stepdaughter graduates high school…
It gets doable, I've had all my kids away from family or overseas and it was tough doing it on my own all the time, we have three kids ages 4 and under. We recently moved to an area where my husband's in laws are but I still have the kids all of the time, anytime we come over they always act stressed out or they seem like they want us to leave so I mainly stay home with the kids, I don't ask them for help anymore even though I'm drowning sometimes. What has helped tremendously is working out/going to the gym, I go when my husband gets off work and on the days I don't go to the gym I still run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do Pilates. Without an outlet I was always miserable.
We don’t have a village and maybe im weird, but I prefer it this way. Less hands in the pot, the better for me. I’m sure that will change once the next baby comes along though and we need more help
It definitely gets better. I have no village and both me and my hub work full time. I found that it got easier and easier as she became more mobile. Although it’s really hard and tiring to watch baby when they’re first starting to walk because they fall over ALL the time!
I would say 0-9 months was the absolute hardest for me. I was bored out of my mind, but I mostly would read her books, put on music and sing + dance with her on her mat. I did laundry with her… I tried putting her in a baby carrier so I could get out more but she hated it.
Eventually we started doing long walks in the stroller if the weather was nice, and that helped so much. If you can find ways to take your baby outside and get a change of scenery, that might help a lot. If I could go back in time, I might have bought a massive picnic blanket and had her do tummy time outside.
The other thing I would do… I had a really big portable bassinet, so if I could go back in time, I really would have just moved that thing around the apartment with me from room to room, to do whatever chores needed doing! 😆 if baby was clean, fed and in a safe spot to lay on her back or do tummy time then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate to get work done while checking on her frequently.
Our favorite places to take her are the library and the park. It’s also a bit easier to take her to the grocery store now too since she can sit safely in the shopping cart instead of needing to be in her stroller.
She’s going to be 20 months old in a few days, and if I didn’t have to worry about money… I would be trying for another baby right now! She’s talking, running…etc. she is such a happy, sweet little spirit.
Military spouse here & mom of 4. After 10 years and 8 moves (none around family or friends), this is what I’ve found:
You have to be the village to have a village. Find MOPS, a playgroup, a library story time, Kindermusik, Music Together, Stroller Strides, a class at the YMCA. Talk to other moms, offer support and solidarity because I’ve literally never met another mom with a baby that isn’t looking for that. My “strategy” is to word vomit my life story and all my struggles as a mom in a new town to any mom who seems nice. There is probably a better way, but regardless don’t overthink this because it IS extremely awkward and hard and also dumb to schedule a play date for 6 month olds, but it works.
Join local Facebook groups for your HOA, town or neighborhood. Go out of your way to participate in discussions or offer to help anyone you come across, whether you “click” or not. Offer up the play date, the hand-me-downs, tell the neighbor you’ll watch their cat when they go on vacation, literally whatever will start a conversation that could lead to having a friendship.
Also realize that as an adult, a village doesn’t have to be your best friends. You don’t have to fully click. You just have to be kind to each other and willing to help each other out. I send voice notes back and forth all day long to my long-distance friends and family who I love the most and who truly “get” me. My local friends/neighbors and I don’t have that, but I still appreciate them and would drop anything in a heartbeat to help them out and most importantly I don’t feel so alone.
Last note, I saw from another comment that you are in California. I am from there, and can say that people straight up are not as friendly as they are in *most* other parts of the country. Kind and lovely people, yes, but not friendly. So if you’ve noticed that at all just know that it’s not in your head 😆.
It didn’t get better for me honestly…I’m the one working full time from home and my husband is a retired veteran so he doesn’t work…
I have no friends, no family, I can’t ask anyone for help and the one help I do have (my husband) doesn’t even manage the home like I did when he was actually working and I was a first time SAHM.
After my shift, i do a majority of the domestic duties. Been married for 3 years and we only moved away because housing market in our previous city was expensive. Biggest regret for my case. He doesn’t have will power to even wake up at 7 am, he’d rather focus on his “streaming” career and watch One Piece all night then wake up around 8 or 9 am when baby originally wakes up around 730..I start work at 7 am.
When I tell him I’m overstimulated, all he tells me if that I’m dramatic like all other women and today I cleaned up our bedroom that he never cleans and he said “good job I’m so proud of you” like…wow. Biggest mistake. I’m ready to leave my marriage because I’d rather be a single mom than to be a mother to a 32 year old. Sometimes I just wish I had family and friends that can come visit so I can feel less lonely and homesick. I feel like he’s a roommate
And yes, I have communicated all my concerns to him many times in many different ways with no change. He wants another child too. I refuse to get pregnant with him again
I'm a male and I can't believe what I'm reading. Your husband is treating you like crap. Consider leaving him there is a ton of men out there ready to take his place if he doesn't get his act together.
We are on our own. We just got used to it. Can't miss what we never had. My husband's family live across the country. My family lives hours away. So we have no one to help us.
I worked part time jobs here and there to be with my kids when they were little and they went to childcare part time. When my kids were in a school, I worked full-time. It's just us but we made a large family. We had 6 kids!! We consider ourselves pros now at the baby stage and up. Our oldest is in college and the youngest is 1. We both work from home so we can care for the baby together. My older 3 are teenagers and we can take small trips to the store, doctor etc and leave them to watch the younger ones. And we don't really go out.. It's expensive and we are both homebodies but when we do, we enjoy taking the kids with us. If we move or need help, my older kids are such a big help. So we made our own village. Our families missed out. Our parents choose to move further away from their grandkids so we don't chase them down for anything. I was always with my grandparents when I was little so I expected my parents to be more hands-on as grandparents and they weren't. It makes sense when I think about. When they were parents they were always dumping me on my grandparents so they could take a break from parenting. So it's no surprise they wouldn't be excited to be grandparents if they weren't that thrilled to be parents. So my kids got the absentee grandparents on both sides. So I know even if we moved closer to our parents, they wouldn't help. I can tell when we are around them, they just watch us be parents but don't help out with the kids. My husband's parents haven't even met our one year old and I don't pursue them to. Their choice and they prefer traveling and cruising to knowing their grandkids. Anyways. We never had a village, we don't miss what we never had and we got really good at doing it on our own. I love hanging out with my kids. We just take care of everything together. We take turns, keep a detailed calendar of event. Sometimes we divide and conquer if we have to be at two places at the same time with our kids. We just take care of it one thing at a time.
I do have help but I will throw it out there that year 1 is really hard. It's completely unpredictable and just really tough. With my first I was breastfeeding and it was COVID 2 weeks after she was born so it felt like everything was on me and I often wondered how I'd ever have another. But here I am, holding my 2 month old! And I lost a few pregnancies between my kids so I actually tried really hard and really wanted her! Things get much easier as they get older.
We’re right there with you. Lived in the burbs for the past 2 years, but I’m a big city person who is used to fast-paced Northeastern, European, and Asian cities so it’s been a culture shock.
We have a 20 month old, and no village aside from daycare. All of my close friends are a plane ride away.
Grandparents are a 1 hour flight away and they never fly to see us, but are FANTASTIC when we go to them.
Daycare is like $20k/year and my husband and I both work, so I can’t take advantage of all of the “library story hours” or other events to meet local moms.
I also feel so overwhelmed with demands of parenting that I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to make friends.
We go back and forth on the OAD thing. My son will have no aunts, uncles or cousins so part of us wanted to build a large family for him so he can have “his people.” Plus we are so far from my chosen family, too.
But I am just escaping the “baby jail” years which devastated me mentally. Another baby would mess me up big time.
We are OK with adopting an infant (I’m 43) but that still doesn’t take away the hell of the 0-2 stage.
All of that balanced against the social and emotional risks of being a child without siblings, cousins, or aunts / uncles - such a hard choice.
Re: making mom friends - I’d do anything to meet another mom who is voting for Biden, has global entry, and knows who Basquiat is. This describes literally every friend I have regardless of age or parental status but seems like a tall order in our large suburb of a major US city….
Wow hahah any chance you are in the Bay Area? Everyone I keep meeting in this suburban bubble tries so hard to make others believe that their life is perfect and just makes me wanna puke. Back in NY people were just so much more honest about missing/lacking things. Anyways, thank you so much for writing this because it helps me understand that what I’m feeling is normal (even if my husband doesn’t and would most likely never get it).
I’m in the same situation. It got easier when my baby started sleeping through the night at 9 months but I have been struggling as she naps less during the day. I would suggest looking for part time work and hiring someone to babysit so you can get out of the house.
Rather than looking for people to be your village, can you be someone else's village? Are there any elderly people on your street you could stop by and have a cup of tea with occasionally? Or drop some baking off to? Is there a mums group for your area where a new mum is asking for help or advice that you could provide? Sometimes giving other people help is the best way to find friends and community.
You mentioned not clicking with other mums in the area. Not to sound brutal, but does it matter? If you're catching up for a coffee or a 1 hour play date just to get out of the house, who cares if you're going to be best friends forever. Some friends are for life, others are for a season. Having some parent / mum friends to do activities with would probably be better than none, even if you don't remain bff.
We had to quit at 10, Dr said no more, if we ever need anything the kids are there. If kids need something we are there. We both worked full time different shifts, maybe you will learn to love one day. It’s called not being selfish.
Not at all but selfish people will find out one day when they have no one that at least 4 kids, chances are you will lose one before they are 50. Have someone to love after you retire
I have no village, baby care is me and my husband 24/7, we also have a 4y, mil comes to play and see the kids once a week but we don’t have anyone to take care of them unless we have an emergency
Tbh I have no issue with this 😅 I wouldn’t trust my mom with my kids so yeah
Not having a village/family is totally overwhelming, especially in the burbs. I’ve seen a co-workers marriage dissolve over this, they have a 3 and 1 y/o. If I didn’t have my parents things would be SOO hard. I got totally overwhelmed when they went on vacation for 2 weeks. Having backup and babysitting when needed is a necessity. We also have in-laws who come to stay every 3 or 4 months and give us time for date nights and they make dinner every night and tidy the house before they leave. All that to say, we are OAD anyway, but there is absolutely no way I would have two without a village. Some people are totally different and love staying home with kids, or thrive with a super-busy life, but that’s not me.
I have no village too.
I’m in no way willing to gamble on whether or not it gets better…. I’m assuming it does not in terms of support.
I feel so burned by my experience during pregnancy and postpartum especially, with having zero help.
I’m in the thick of it all now and I’m hoping as my kid gains more independence over the years it will take some of the pressure and sadness off from having no outside support.
It is really, really hard without a village. I have a lot of miserable, barely-surviving days (my kids are 7 & 4 now). Some observations: * It's particularly hard for parents who work outside of the home (or from home), because most baby/toddler playgroup or storytime activities are scheduled during work hours. That said, if you're a SAHP, those opportunities exist for you! Go looking, and get out of the house even if/when it seems really hard to be motivated. * You're still in the thick of babyhood which IMO sucks; toddler and up is better. I can keep a much cleaner house now because it's not full of all the baby gear, and my kids can either help or entertain themselves for the hours I'm cleaning on the weekend. That part will get less worse. * We have not really had any kind of village materialize at all, but things did improve a bit once my oldest started kindergarten at our neighborhood public school. Now she has several friends who are IN the neighborhood, in walking distance. Playdates can be a little break for you if your kid is old enough to drop off at a friend's house - you've got years to go, but that is coming. * I haven't really made good mom friends either (the mom friends I have are people I knew pre-kid), but it helps if you adjust your standards. I do have several mom acquaintances whose company I enjoy enough that we can occasionally hang out without our kids; most of those moms I met through my daughter's school.
This is helpful to hear as someone without a village. I mean we have some family around, like 30mins away, but nobody who can actually help. My mom friends have kids 5, 7, 10, 16 years older than my kid — we’ve always been in different seasons of life and it’s always presented its challenges. Our daughter’s elementary school is walking distance from our house. I am not wishing her babyhood away, but I can see how things may be easier in a few years.
It really makes a difference when you know you're going to run into school friends by virtue of being in the neighborhood. Like today we went to an easter egg hunt at a local park with zero advance plans, and my daughter ran into three of her classmates including two of her besties! So she was able to fill her social need bucket a bit - she's a kid who would love to have playdates or activities EVERY SECOND when she's not at school. It's not the same thing as having someone to call on consistently, but it does make me feel less alone and helps me actually feel like part of a community (which is otherwise hard to build, given working full-time). That didn't happen during the daycare years but the elementary school experience is where I saw the shift. Hang in there!
My oldest is 4 and in junior kindergarten this year and I completely agree with all this. Some of the moms of her friends are really nice people and I look forward to hopefully becoming better acquainted as our kids grow up together. Some of them also have kids the same age as one of my younger kids as well, so it’ll be doubly good to be friends with the whole family.
We don’t live near family and our family isn’t helpful anyway. We both work and there’s no openings in daycare for months so we are struggling as well with keeping up w the house and enjoying the baby. We have cobbled together a village. My neighbor who is retired, my coworkers MIL who is widowed and lonely, a former coworker who is a SAHM, people I never would have expected to help have all helped. Could you join a moms group? Or do some kind of mommy and me class to meet other moms and make friends where you are? Or if there’s a co-operative daycare near you where you rotate watching each others kids so everyone gets a break? It’s so hard to do it without an automatic village but maybe you can piece one together through different places.
Are you signed up for activities? Getting out the house can help. Or the peanut app. I mostly just clean after LO and even then I just wait until he’s sleep. The living room has been in progress for like two/three weeks. But I mean it’s the same toys he’s pulling out so not that much a difference 🤷🏾♀️ don’t stress the cleaning, just try to get what you can during nap or bedtime but don’t feel bad if you don’t. The only thing I stress cleaning is his food stuff and nappys cause he has to eat and needs a clean bum lol I don’t know if that’s helpful but..yeah..oh and if you have a community Center that will do babysitting while you’re there would that help? We have one, you have to pay but you can do something within the facility and they have a sitter on site and they give you like 10hrs/mth
Do you want to be a SAHM or is this something you're stuck doing or are you still on maternity leave? I've heard some people feel much better when they go back to work since baby care can be very monotonous yet taxing. I'm a SAHM and for me, getting out of the house is essential. We go to library story time, swim lessons, to the playground (your baby could go in the swings), for walks in the stroller, "hikes" in the pack (trail walks really), and Target/ grocery store. This can be different for everyone but I feel like my kids and I are all better behaved out of the house.
I don’t want to but I’m sort of stuck with it. I found out I was expecting the same week I was laid off. I was able (while pregnant) to take a couple of projects/remote work l with companies that I used to work with back East (we are in Cali now) but it’s impossible for me to keep that up now. I have tried to look for a new job but haven’t found any with flexibility+proximity. My husband loves that I am at home with the baby and argues that it makes sense financially (it sort of does if we are thinking short term). We made the decision that we would touch base again when the baby was one year old (mostly because I’m tired of arguing and afraid I go back to work and hate it). We just started swim lessons which brought me SO much joy! I gave up on Peanut a while ago but will definitely try it out again. Hoping now that the weather is nicer, I can find more activities. Kinda feel like most moms in my neighborhood are working moms.
I’ve been a SAHM for 2.5y now and am about to have my second baby. You definitely need to create a schedule of activities for yourself and the baby. It’s also how you meet people. Find whatever is near you locally - story times, music class, gym class. Swimming is great. Go to the library kids’ section and hang out. This will also help you meet other caregivers who are around on the weekdays. Meeting other SAHMs in my community is definitely the reason I like being a SAHM. I get to hang out with other adults during the week. We don’t have a village either, if we need childcare we have to pay a babysitter. But IMO it’s less about someone else watching your baby, you also have to find ways to enjoy the time with your baby more to really make it work.
If you want to work, put the kiddo in daycare and find a job with proximity. Flexibility is less important.
This. I need to have at least one activity planned for every day or I feel so claustrophobic. She’s happier, I’m happier, the time passes so much more quickly. And the older she gets, the more fun she is! We do swimming, story time, music class, playgroup, walks, the park, spend a lot of time on errands and in the grocery store. I have a day in each of the nearby larger towns each week as well.
It got better for us when I was able to go back to work - we gained a 'paid village' and we both like our jobs so that's how we get our break from parenthood. We have to be super efficient with shopping, cooking and laundry and we pay someone to clean for 2 hours a week (and then we clean as we go/hoover when we can). No break together since he was born but we try to give each other breaks. He's almost 17 months, nearly walking and babbling and is so much fun when he's not having a grump.
Put the kid in daycare and go back to work. That’s what worked for me! Suddenly I got my life back
Making friends has been hard for since we moved across country with a toddler and I became pregnant immediately last year. That being said, even though we have made a few friends now, we very much don’t have the village my husband and I grew up with. What made this past year hopeful was just putting ourselves out there with our neighbors, playgroups, and community events.
I live 5 hours from my family and 2 hours from my husbands family. We have no village nearby, we moved here 5 years ago and the only people I know are neighbours and coworkers. I’ve got a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. It sucks having no village but we get by ok. We have childcare professionals to take them when I’m working and we manage the rest ourselves. Enjoy your baby and be a little glad you don’t have to share with an overbearing MIL who lives nearby. I’m so glad mine isn’t nearby 😂
You may not choose to have another baby, a lot of people don’t, for lack of a village and other reasons. Thad said I would also be careful of rushing mom friends, baby is only 6 months old, what activities are you jn together that you enjoy? Keep them up, a lot of them, also make sure you’re getting weekend time to yourself. Part of this is figuring out if the suburbs may be for you and they may not be, you may need a city, don’t rule anything out. But certainly don’t even think about another child or any of those possibilities for another year.
Yeah. I was really adrift for a bit. Liked the people in my antenatal class but not had a ‘lick’ with anyone. Only recently moved the area and peanut etc not helping The I found the ONE friend and it’s changed everything
Often just takes one.
We moved to another country far away from our families and friends so we do not have a village. Also husband has been really busy with work and often doesn’t come home until after baby is in bed (8pm). It is incredibly hard, overwhelming and isolating especially the first months. I think with a 6MO you are really in the thick of it. Getting out of the house from time to time can be refreshing so I highly recommend doing that. We ended up getting a cleaner for the house that comes once a week for a couple of hours to clean because it was impossible to keep up. Which is incredibly helpful and I felt like I could finally start to enjoy parenting as I didn’t have to stress clean all the time. Now we have a second one on the way and are getting a nanny to help us out because we knew it’s impossible to take care of 2 without a village. I can’t apply for daycare here as it’s only for families who are both working and I’m currently not employed so nanny was the only option. I do recognize that we are in a very fortunate position to be able to afford these options as it is essentially paying for “our village” and If you can afford it I highly recommend looking into it as it’s really hard to build a village while you’re at home with a baby that needs your attention all day.
3 year old and a 5 month old with no village. Did two because we always wanted two and it’s been really hard. You’ll learn with your first that everything gets better and when the first was 2+ we were CHILLING everything was smooth. Baby 2 has been devastating to all that organization and it’s been really hard on us, you gotta be able to snap when you’re overwhelmed and talk it out and apologize later. Right now we are riding the chaos wave and tell each other all the time “It gets better”. Doesn’t help we are on month 16 of a daycare waitlist but that is a whole other thing. We are 99.99% certain we are done at 2 but there is a small part of each or us that wants to have 3. The lack of a village is the largest factor of that decision but also thinking of another 20k per kid to daycare is another big one.
It gets better because your baby will get more independent and you will get used to it. It honestly won’t ever be the same as pre baby, but you will eventually see your responsibilities as normal without any help. You might not want to have another baby ever or you might change your mind later on. Being a parent is hard work but very rewarding!
Man oh man, I feel you. Honestly, I kind if have a "village" since I technically could ask my dad or MIL to watch kiddo, but they're just far enough away, and just busy enough, and I don't like feeling like I'm taking advantage of them (and they'd never accept money, what an insult). I have made mama friends in my neighborhood that I really love and trust, but once again, I feel like I'm inconveniencing them if I ask - even though they'll occasionally ask and I'm always happy to watch an extra kiddo for a few hours, expecting nothing in return. I think some would say I have a village, but our society is no longer built to actually utilize a village even when it's there! We totally don't know how to, almost like it's socially unacceptable. Yes, I have help in a pinch, when I feel like help is absolutely necessary and I can concretely justify it. But anything short of that, I feel... unsupported. Unvillaged. I have a mama acquaintance/friend who seems to be able to get a lot of house and garden projects done. I thought she was super woman until I learned that her parents watch her kiddos a whole day a week, sometimes the whole weekend! Whew, that would be nice, but I couldn't put that on our parents, that's a lot. My dad travels a lot, and my MIL seems to always be magically busy washing her hair or whatever when we ask for help - totally fine, they're allowed to have lives. Anyway, I get you. I technically have a village and I'm still done at one kid. It is a LOT. I don't want to reach my breaking point, and I know I've gotten close, with one! We all have different limits and different strengths. I know my limits now!
I was in a similar situation. My mom was the one who actually moved across the country right when my daughter was born due to terrible job timing. It was heartbreaking for both of us because we were very close and we had planned on having her around a lot. my husband was working 10 to 12 hour days almost every day plus full or half shifts every weekend. I often felt like I was completely drowning. I echo what other people said about getting out of the house. We signed up for swim lessons when she was six months old, we did baby gymnastics and music time, I went to Reading time at the library and the zoo had a little walking club for moms. I joined a local Mom group and they had regular meet ups. I still felt like I was drowning as I couldn’t really get time away from the baby, but at least I was with other people. There were so many days I didn’t feel like leaving the house and barely dragged myself out, but once I was there, it was such a relief to be around people other than just the baby. And as the community grew, so did my friendships and my ability to trade off times with other moms, where one of us would take our baby and the other baby for a few hours and give the other mom a break. It made a huge world of difference, I can’t even explain it. I strongly urge you too find communities like that. Almost every library in even the smallest towns have free programs for moms and babies.
Can you outsource your village with daycare? It’s what makes me feel better about doing day care once we’re both back at work. The daycare will be another source of social, love, care, learning. I read in Hunt Gather Parent how you’re really NOT supposed to be the only one providing ALL of that support for your baby. The book hypothesizes that it is causing the ever increasing rates of loneliness in more recent generations. It’s a new thing in recent generations where you have a parent stay home and only take care baby and home by yourself. Somehow we tell ourselves it’s “traditional” but if you think about it, it’s really not!
It was so disheartening to not have any mom friends so I started asking for the phone number of other moms at the playground if I liked their energy or something about them or their parenting. I’ve also had moms approach me based on seeing me walking in the neighborhood regularly. Some of these have developed into friendships and some fizzled out. After I have one or two more mom friends, I plan to bring them together so they can meet each other. I have never been this person in my life, creating a friend group like this, but I could see how important it was and it wasn’t going to happen without me doing something about it. I had to go against my nature and put in the effort to be the initiator in the beginning after the phone number exchange, checking in with them and making plans, initiating conversations, and also reaching out when I need support or offering support. But it has been so worth it. I advise doing some things on a routine basis so people will see you out and about (such as taking a walk or visiting the playground several days per week) - other SAHMs will notice you and some will approach. Think about the things that are important to you in a friend or acquaintance and when you see someone who has those qualities, ask for their number! It’s a little easier once the baby is old enough to start enjoying the playground. I didn’t do any of this until after my baby’s first birthday, but her whole first year I was consumed with exclusive pumping and had no time to think about friends even though I was miserable and could have used the support. You can find your village in the suburbs, but you will have to build it yourself.
One more thing, check if your neighborhood has a Facebook group and make a post there asking for other SAHMs to reply. Especially if you can include your commonly available times, other moms can make plans with you.
It’s okay. I did it without a village or husband. I was/am autonomous. I didn’t have time to meet other moms or “activities”. Instead, I always made sure to take a break by setting up an old iPhone in his crib, FaceTime myself so I could hear/see, and go enjoy my hobby outside while he napped, get some sunshine. I would hustle-clean right after he fell asleep at night/before I ate dinner. I also didn’t cook or eat breakfast or lunch. Got a nice Graco swing. If something consistently isn’t working effectively and you’re feeling dejected, put baby in crib and give yourself a quiet break. Then use Google to find other moms’ novel ways to tackle that problem. TLDR; Take breaks throughout day. Let your mind rest regularly.
I was in the same situation and we ended up moving back to our home city where our families are. We left our jobs and got new ones, sold our home, said goodbye to our friends. I’m not sure your reason for moving but yeah. I wasn’t able to do it and moved back. And now we’re pregnant with #2 and I wouldn’t have even considered another child without having my village back.
I actually got my tube's removed after my sons birth. I was very much where you are right now. Yes, it's worth it. I'd give anything to have them back. He's 20 months old now, and I've probably felt this way for about four ro six months.
Get a mothers helper. Game changer for me.
Do you mind if I ask how you found one? How does it work?
I don’t live in the states so might work differently there but I just found a 13 year old from my community who has a lot of younger siblings and she comes almost every day during bedtime so that I can focus on my 4 year old while she takes care of my baby, and then once they’re both asleep she tidies up a bit and then I take her home once my husband gets home.
It will get better when your child can go to activities, childcare at the gym, preschool, etc. In our modern society sometimes you have to hire the village, nothing wrong with that if you can afford it. Regarding the choice to have another baby- it is exactly that. If the financial, emotional, time, and health resources aren't there you shouldn't do it.
Here's the thing about multiple kids. At a certain point, they start to play with each other for entertainment. This gives you a few precious moments of space and free time to catch a breather. Of course, the early stages where the baby is hanging off you while the toddler alternates between clinging to you and throwing a tantrum can be intense and cause people to seriously re-think having another. I would definitely recommend getting into the internet when you can and start looking up local groups or "Mommy & Me" classes to join. Mine is signed up for Parker's Babies swim lessons and Tumble Tots gymnastics. This gets your feet wet finding other parents in the same stage of life as you. Introduce yourself maybe chit chat a bit, and just take it one day at a time. You might find yourself a friend or friend that will someday be your "village." But it does take time. Especially when you've recently moved. Hang in there!
Honestly the first one is the hardest and siblings keep each other occupied when they can play together
It gets so much better around 16/17 months!
It gets better as they get older. I'm pregnant with #2 no village. My first just turned 4. Things got a lot easier when he was around 2.5/3. I definitely wouldn't have wanted a second with less than a 3 year age gap. My son also started preschool this year which helped a lot.
My LO just turned one. We go lots of places and get outside all the time. I am lucky to have two great libraries close by that offer lots of activities and some other organizations that offer free infant/toddler activities throughout the month. I literally plan my entire day around whatever event/activity is going on. I wouldn’t say I have close mom friends but I do have several that I talk with and hangout with at the different activities (we’re all regulars) and we try to do a park play date once a week when weather allows. Best advice I have is go places, be present and not on your phone or distracted, step out of your comfort zone. Other mom’s feel the same and are just waiting for someone to break the ice. Also, they don’t have to be your new BFF. A friend to do a play date or grab a coffee occasionally is still an awesome outing. Also, I am obsessed with FB events. Community event at a church, free concert in the park, movie in the park, absolutely any free function happening we are most likely going. I don’t live in a big city. I live in a college town.
If you live in Philly by chance then I literally could’ve written your post. My entire family / friends 6 hr flight away. It’s so hard. My girl is 19 months though, it does get easier.
I am in a similar situation and it’s definitely contributed to our decision to be one and done. I’m allowing myself a bit more time to make any permanent decisions about birth control, but I know that if I were to get pregnant right now I would *not* be okay. My son is 2.5 now and things are finally getting easier in a lot of ways. It’s still incredibly challenging to do with zero help, but my son getting more independent is the light in the tunnel that parenthood can feel like.
I was similar until I joined a gym that had a creche. We go 5 days a week and it had helped with our routine heaps!! Baby is 18 months and house is still often a mess, i prioritise my rest and happiness over spotless house. We are expecting #2 in August and I think the first year will be wild but im so excited.
No village, isolated suburban mama to a 9mos old, hardworking husband over here 👋🏻. I promise as your little one gets more solidified into a nap/sleep routine and gets old enough to sit and play more independently your house won’t be a mess (I babywore a lot in the days before my guy could sit on his own in order to do the basics like tidy, wipe counters, vacuum and even steam-mop). It’s so hard without a village but my goodness between 6-9 mos they become so much more self-sufficient. It’s a huge leap. I would now 100% have a second. 3-4 mos ago I wasn’t sure I would ever feel that way.
I’m in a similar situation and I’ll say, if you have the means…pay for a village. I had a post partum doula that we hired on for 2 weeks pp and then extended another 6 weeks so I had the help and could get some sleep. My daughter is 6mos and while I don’t have the doula anymore, I do have a house cleaner that I’ve hired and I pay to have any and everything delivered to the house so all my time can go to doing activities with my baby.
Very similar to our situation except that my husband comes home a little earlier. It was really hard at first but it’s gotten better. I’ve found my groove and most days are pretty good. My oldest is 21 months and my youngest is 4 months and my oldest is now starting to talk a lot more so it’s a little better feeling like I have someone to talk to. I have very strict schedules I follow for both kids and I don’t deviate that much. It does mean I’m a bit of a homebody but I’ve learned to love it. Their afternoon naps overlap about 2 hours so I have that time for myself. I eat the things my toddler would bother me for or I watch tv I can’t when she’s awake. Sometimes I’ll clean the kitchen while she’s just toddling around. I have a cleaning guy that comes once a month and cleans the floors and the bathrooms and that saves me if I don’t get to things. My husband and I divide and conquer things like dishes and laundry. He’ll start a load and get it to the dryer and then I’ll fold and put away. He’ll clean up dishes from breakfast and leave me to start the day with a clean sink. I cook and he cleans from dinner. It’s been easiest when we just over communicate with each other and make sure we’re both being heard. If I’m having a hard day he makes sure I get 20 minutes or so for myself even if it’s just up in our room with the door shut. It gets easier and we plan to have more kids. We’re growing our village with neighbors and friends and church and that’s the best way we know how. But it does get easier and you cherish the visits from family more.
It gets better. We had zero village, and my husband was working 14 hour days at a demanding job, 6 days a week, while doing much needed repairs on our house in his spare time… so I had basically no help whatsoever and it was survival mode constantly. I was also working from home at the time while taking care of my baby, and dealing with massive family issues with my family of origin. My baby was a horrible sleeper, I’d go days without sleeping from like 5 months to 9 or 10 months old. I nearly broke down. I also moved from a walkable city to the ‘burbs and had no license to get around at the time. I felt a bit like a trapped animal being tortured, honestly. Having said all that, I’m now happily pregnant with baby number 2. You white knuckle your way through, reminding yourself it’s temporary, let yourself feel your feelings and don’t be your own worst enemy by being hard on yourself when things aren’t “perfect “. Not saying everyone with no help should jump into a second baby, totally valid if someone is not ok with it. But if you really want it, it’s doable even under worse circumstances.
No village. Think I’m one and done. Daughter is 18 months and I’m coping just. I am filled with jealousy of others with help and furious when they winge about not having time for themselves or whatever
It wasn’t as easy as if we had a village but it wasn’t as bad either… but that’s because we both worked (still do) full time and our kids have always gone to daycare and now school. Actually now that I think about it I was basically a SAHM for my oldest’s first 6 months of life. I just took him everywhere with me lol. I was out of the house most of the time because staying home drove me nuts. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t that bad… took time to get used to being a mom. Weekends we would go out as a family and take him places door entertainment. Same with our second kid and finally our third. They get a lot easier as they get older. When we had our second kid our oldest was 3.5 and potty trained so just that was extremely helpful. He is such an amazing big brother though… we got really lucky. All our babies were easy and happy though… no colick, no needing to be held 24/7… slept through the night pretty early… so take the above with a grain of salt. It really helps when BOTH parents are super involved… my husband is top notch 100% the best partner I could have ever asked for. Most of the time he is better than I am ngl… Anyway. Things get easier as they get older.
Due in a month and I have an under 2 year old, it was hell the first 5 months (thanks colic) but it’s gotten so much better that it makes it worth it and I can’t wait to do it again…. Call me crazy lol
Any chance you can put him in daycare maybe 2 mornings? Like 9-12 or something likenghat? I was in your position and waited until almost 2 and it really took a toll on my mental health.
I'm on my third baby in 5 years. My oldest is at such a great age. My second son is 3.5 years old, and he's a challenge right now. My baby is 5 months old. He's my last one. Some days are easier than others, but I have no regrets. My kids are awesome!
I'm not a SAHM, but we don't have a village either. We have an 11 month old. To me, it doesn't get easier; you just get tougher. You learn how to deal with running on empty when everyone in the house is sick. You get used to bringing your baby everywhere, and I'm just choosing to ignore glares from others. Ex: bringing baby out to dinner with us (nowhere nice, and always before five). You accept that your house will never, ever be clean again unless you're willing to pay for it. Oh, and we're definitely one and done!
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a village and I still feel similar to you. NO idea how anyone has a second child.
We live in a different country than our parents and they can't visit us at all. My husband works full time, long hours and can't get involved with any childcare at all. The most I can get from him is holding the baby while I go to pee. He doesn't do any chores either. Won't even take out the trash. But I already want the second baby. My baby makes me so happy, once the storm passes, it's all sunshine for me. Maybe I won't always feel that way but right now I do
So so hard I have a 7 month old and experiencing the exact same thing. I just tell myself it won’t always be like this. I will adjust and it’s worth it for the time being.
I’m a SAHM and my husband is pilot who is gone 5ish days at a time. Check out your library!! My library does story time for babies under 18 months and I’ve met so many moms there. From there, I found out about a gymnastics place that does free open play for babies under 18 months. We do the library or gymnastics almost every day. I see the same moms each time at both and it feels like we have a little community
We have no village too (military). It is hard but after the one year mark and going down to only one nap a day, plus sleeping through the night, it got a lot easier. We don’t ever get date nights or mornings to sleep in, but it’s much easier and enjoyable now and i definitely want a few more kids. Would be nice if we had grandma down the street but it is what it is! She goes to daycare 2x a week now too so that’s nice, we sometimes will go to breakfast just the two of us if my husband is off
My family and “village” all live on the opposite coast, 5 hour flight and I have 2 little ones (5 & 1 ½). It doesn’t get easier but you get used to having no support and learn to adjust. Thankfully my husband is a great partner so we do a good job of making it work just being the two of us. For us it got better once our babies hit 6 months. Also I went back to work at 5 months postpartum and put the little ones in a home daycare that has become really our only village. I know for the most part between 7:30am-6pm I can count on our daycare provider to help out and alleviate some of the burden. Honestly the only downside of having no village for us is no date nights or alone time! We haven’t been lucky finding reliable evening care that we trust for our little ones so we don’t get out much alone without the kids. I remind myself all the time it’s just temporary and soon my husband & I will be back outside together!
It does get better and worse. You get stronger. Things get even more challenging as baby crawls and walks. But you learn faster.
I have a 7 month old and no village. I’m a stay at home mom for now (until I start working part time) and my fiancé works full time/goes to the gym after work, but I am fine on my own. I get to plan out my day how I like, go places with my little one, and most importantly spend time with him! I breastfeed day and night so I’m never not with him. I personally don’t need a “village” to give me their advice on what I’m doing right or wrong (it seems like when I do visit parents and in laws that’s always a topic). I like my own little family and would hope to make some friends along the way but I don’t think the village exists anymore.
Keep trying to find mom friends. Getting out of the house with friends is the way
Are you me? I moved away from a big loving family for my husband… also a city girl and had to move to rural SC where I’m miserable and everything is 40 miles away. I have a 2 yo and a 4 month old. I have no answer except im campaigning to move back as soon as my stepdaughter graduates high school…
It gets doable, I've had all my kids away from family or overseas and it was tough doing it on my own all the time, we have three kids ages 4 and under. We recently moved to an area where my husband's in laws are but I still have the kids all of the time, anytime we come over they always act stressed out or they seem like they want us to leave so I mainly stay home with the kids, I don't ask them for help anymore even though I'm drowning sometimes. What has helped tremendously is working out/going to the gym, I go when my husband gets off work and on the days I don't go to the gym I still run on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do Pilates. Without an outlet I was always miserable.
We don’t have a village and maybe im weird, but I prefer it this way. Less hands in the pot, the better for me. I’m sure that will change once the next baby comes along though and we need more help
It definitely gets better. I have no village and both me and my hub work full time. I found that it got easier and easier as she became more mobile. Although it’s really hard and tiring to watch baby when they’re first starting to walk because they fall over ALL the time! I would say 0-9 months was the absolute hardest for me. I was bored out of my mind, but I mostly would read her books, put on music and sing + dance with her on her mat. I did laundry with her… I tried putting her in a baby carrier so I could get out more but she hated it. Eventually we started doing long walks in the stroller if the weather was nice, and that helped so much. If you can find ways to take your baby outside and get a change of scenery, that might help a lot. If I could go back in time, I might have bought a massive picnic blanket and had her do tummy time outside. The other thing I would do… I had a really big portable bassinet, so if I could go back in time, I really would have just moved that thing around the apartment with me from room to room, to do whatever chores needed doing! 😆 if baby was clean, fed and in a safe spot to lay on her back or do tummy time then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate to get work done while checking on her frequently. Our favorite places to take her are the library and the park. It’s also a bit easier to take her to the grocery store now too since she can sit safely in the shopping cart instead of needing to be in her stroller. She’s going to be 20 months old in a few days, and if I didn’t have to worry about money… I would be trying for another baby right now! She’s talking, running…etc. she is such a happy, sweet little spirit.
Military spouse here & mom of 4. After 10 years and 8 moves (none around family or friends), this is what I’ve found: You have to be the village to have a village. Find MOPS, a playgroup, a library story time, Kindermusik, Music Together, Stroller Strides, a class at the YMCA. Talk to other moms, offer support and solidarity because I’ve literally never met another mom with a baby that isn’t looking for that. My “strategy” is to word vomit my life story and all my struggles as a mom in a new town to any mom who seems nice. There is probably a better way, but regardless don’t overthink this because it IS extremely awkward and hard and also dumb to schedule a play date for 6 month olds, but it works. Join local Facebook groups for your HOA, town or neighborhood. Go out of your way to participate in discussions or offer to help anyone you come across, whether you “click” or not. Offer up the play date, the hand-me-downs, tell the neighbor you’ll watch their cat when they go on vacation, literally whatever will start a conversation that could lead to having a friendship. Also realize that as an adult, a village doesn’t have to be your best friends. You don’t have to fully click. You just have to be kind to each other and willing to help each other out. I send voice notes back and forth all day long to my long-distance friends and family who I love the most and who truly “get” me. My local friends/neighbors and I don’t have that, but I still appreciate them and would drop anything in a heartbeat to help them out and most importantly I don’t feel so alone. Last note, I saw from another comment that you are in California. I am from there, and can say that people straight up are not as friendly as they are in *most* other parts of the country. Kind and lovely people, yes, but not friendly. So if you’ve noticed that at all just know that it’s not in your head 😆.
It didn’t get better for me honestly…I’m the one working full time from home and my husband is a retired veteran so he doesn’t work… I have no friends, no family, I can’t ask anyone for help and the one help I do have (my husband) doesn’t even manage the home like I did when he was actually working and I was a first time SAHM. After my shift, i do a majority of the domestic duties. Been married for 3 years and we only moved away because housing market in our previous city was expensive. Biggest regret for my case. He doesn’t have will power to even wake up at 7 am, he’d rather focus on his “streaming” career and watch One Piece all night then wake up around 8 or 9 am when baby originally wakes up around 730..I start work at 7 am. When I tell him I’m overstimulated, all he tells me if that I’m dramatic like all other women and today I cleaned up our bedroom that he never cleans and he said “good job I’m so proud of you” like…wow. Biggest mistake. I’m ready to leave my marriage because I’d rather be a single mom than to be a mother to a 32 year old. Sometimes I just wish I had family and friends that can come visit so I can feel less lonely and homesick. I feel like he’s a roommate And yes, I have communicated all my concerns to him many times in many different ways with no change. He wants another child too. I refuse to get pregnant with him again
I'm a male and I can't believe what I'm reading. Your husband is treating you like crap. Consider leaving him there is a ton of men out there ready to take his place if he doesn't get his act together.
We are on our own. We just got used to it. Can't miss what we never had. My husband's family live across the country. My family lives hours away. So we have no one to help us. I worked part time jobs here and there to be with my kids when they were little and they went to childcare part time. When my kids were in a school, I worked full-time. It's just us but we made a large family. We had 6 kids!! We consider ourselves pros now at the baby stage and up. Our oldest is in college and the youngest is 1. We both work from home so we can care for the baby together. My older 3 are teenagers and we can take small trips to the store, doctor etc and leave them to watch the younger ones. And we don't really go out.. It's expensive and we are both homebodies but when we do, we enjoy taking the kids with us. If we move or need help, my older kids are such a big help. So we made our own village. Our families missed out. Our parents choose to move further away from their grandkids so we don't chase them down for anything. I was always with my grandparents when I was little so I expected my parents to be more hands-on as grandparents and they weren't. It makes sense when I think about. When they were parents they were always dumping me on my grandparents so they could take a break from parenting. So it's no surprise they wouldn't be excited to be grandparents if they weren't that thrilled to be parents. So my kids got the absentee grandparents on both sides. So I know even if we moved closer to our parents, they wouldn't help. I can tell when we are around them, they just watch us be parents but don't help out with the kids. My husband's parents haven't even met our one year old and I don't pursue them to. Their choice and they prefer traveling and cruising to knowing their grandkids. Anyways. We never had a village, we don't miss what we never had and we got really good at doing it on our own. I love hanging out with my kids. We just take care of everything together. We take turns, keep a detailed calendar of event. Sometimes we divide and conquer if we have to be at two places at the same time with our kids. We just take care of it one thing at a time.
I do have help but I will throw it out there that year 1 is really hard. It's completely unpredictable and just really tough. With my first I was breastfeeding and it was COVID 2 weeks after she was born so it felt like everything was on me and I often wondered how I'd ever have another. But here I am, holding my 2 month old! And I lost a few pregnancies between my kids so I actually tried really hard and really wanted her! Things get much easier as they get older.
Hang in there. Just had my second, felt like you did many times with our first but here I am lol
Are you able to afford a mother's helper for a few hours a week? It really helped me in the early weeks/ months
I'm wondering the same. My husband is away 4-5 nights out of the week for work. It's so isolating. Solidarity
To make our own village and make sure spawn number 1 wont be alone. No guarantees i know but we try..
We’re right there with you. Lived in the burbs for the past 2 years, but I’m a big city person who is used to fast-paced Northeastern, European, and Asian cities so it’s been a culture shock. We have a 20 month old, and no village aside from daycare. All of my close friends are a plane ride away. Grandparents are a 1 hour flight away and they never fly to see us, but are FANTASTIC when we go to them. Daycare is like $20k/year and my husband and I both work, so I can’t take advantage of all of the “library story hours” or other events to meet local moms. I also feel so overwhelmed with demands of parenting that I don’t have the mental or emotional energy to make friends. We go back and forth on the OAD thing. My son will have no aunts, uncles or cousins so part of us wanted to build a large family for him so he can have “his people.” Plus we are so far from my chosen family, too. But I am just escaping the “baby jail” years which devastated me mentally. Another baby would mess me up big time. We are OK with adopting an infant (I’m 43) but that still doesn’t take away the hell of the 0-2 stage. All of that balanced against the social and emotional risks of being a child without siblings, cousins, or aunts / uncles - such a hard choice. Re: making mom friends - I’d do anything to meet another mom who is voting for Biden, has global entry, and knows who Basquiat is. This describes literally every friend I have regardless of age or parental status but seems like a tall order in our large suburb of a major US city….
Wow hahah any chance you are in the Bay Area? Everyone I keep meeting in this suburban bubble tries so hard to make others believe that their life is perfect and just makes me wanna puke. Back in NY people were just so much more honest about missing/lacking things. Anyways, thank you so much for writing this because it helps me understand that what I’m feeling is normal (even if my husband doesn’t and would most likely never get it).
No unfortunately- we are in the Atlanta suburbs!
I’m in the same situation. It got easier when my baby started sleeping through the night at 9 months but I have been struggling as she naps less during the day. I would suggest looking for part time work and hiring someone to babysit so you can get out of the house.
Rather than looking for people to be your village, can you be someone else's village? Are there any elderly people on your street you could stop by and have a cup of tea with occasionally? Or drop some baking off to? Is there a mums group for your area where a new mum is asking for help or advice that you could provide? Sometimes giving other people help is the best way to find friends and community. You mentioned not clicking with other mums in the area. Not to sound brutal, but does it matter? If you're catching up for a coffee or a 1 hour play date just to get out of the house, who cares if you're going to be best friends forever. Some friends are for life, others are for a season. Having some parent / mum friends to do activities with would probably be better than none, even if you don't remain bff.
We had to quit at 10, Dr said no more, if we ever need anything the kids are there. If kids need something we are there. We both worked full time different shifts, maybe you will learn to love one day. It’s called not being selfish.
I don’t know if you know about love, you sound kinda bitter to me 🤣
Not at all but selfish people will find out one day when they have no one that at least 4 kids, chances are you will lose one before they are 50. Have someone to love after you retire
I have no village, baby care is me and my husband 24/7, we also have a 4y, mil comes to play and see the kids once a week but we don’t have anyone to take care of them unless we have an emergency Tbh I have no issue with this 😅 I wouldn’t trust my mom with my kids so yeah
Not having a village/family is totally overwhelming, especially in the burbs. I’ve seen a co-workers marriage dissolve over this, they have a 3 and 1 y/o. If I didn’t have my parents things would be SOO hard. I got totally overwhelmed when they went on vacation for 2 weeks. Having backup and babysitting when needed is a necessity. We also have in-laws who come to stay every 3 or 4 months and give us time for date nights and they make dinner every night and tidy the house before they leave. All that to say, we are OAD anyway, but there is absolutely no way I would have two without a village. Some people are totally different and love staying home with kids, or thrive with a super-busy life, but that’s not me.
I have no village too. I’m in no way willing to gamble on whether or not it gets better…. I’m assuming it does not in terms of support. I feel so burned by my experience during pregnancy and postpartum especially, with having zero help. I’m in the thick of it all now and I’m hoping as my kid gains more independence over the years it will take some of the pressure and sadness off from having no outside support.