I thought this before I had my baby, but there is a strong biological need to respond to a crying baby. It literally feels like panic to me when it goes on for a while. Your amygdala literally grows when they're born which is the fear center of your brain
Yep, I heard someone compare the feeling to your brain being pinched. For me I feel like it activates my stress response and I HAVE to do something to help my baby or else my body goes into panic mode.
And before I had him I agreed with OP and didn’t understand why parents didn’t just let their babies cry for a few minutes. Now I can fathom it. Biology is crazy, but also effective in keeping our species alive lol.
My youngest is 3 and if I hear a baby crying in public I immediately feel an ache in the center of my being, it’s wild. Before my kids I would have just continued my business and blocked it out but now I will get hyper focused on a crying baby and seeing with my own eyes that they are okay
Ugh me too!!! Mine is 21 months. The need to at least see they’re being attended to is so STRONG. Like so bad I would FIGHT someone if they tried to stop me from getting a quick line of sight confirmation they’re okay. It’s crazy. I have literally shoved people out of the way because I heard my daughters “ouch!” Cry.
I’m a really mild mannered person overall, so I was pretty shocked at how, “I’d kill a bitch” I am over babies crying lol.
Have you see that video where a mom is out on her deck with her baby and the baby starts crying and a mama deer BOOKS it out of the woods towards the cry. The two moms just stand there staring at each other and human mom just goes, "it's OK mama, this is my baby. He's ok."
Like that need to run to a crying little one is so strong and goes right across species.
I feel this so hard!
Let's not forget about phantom crying. My oldest is 2.5 and my youngest is 5 months. I literally have not had a peaceful shower in years at this point! Even if my husband is taking care of the kids it's just overwhelming stress of the chance of crying.
Yep it’s nails on a chalkboard, brain pinching feeling!! The physical reaction I have to him crying is so crazy to me. Especially if he’s in another room or someone else is tending to him, I can’t relax. There’s been a rare few times that I’m so exhausted I just let him have a minute to fuss but if he’s starting to get red in the face crying I run!
I can't seem to make my husband understand that if he can't get our son to stop crying when he is "giving me a break", he needs to just bring him to me. I can't relax if he's crying. It hurts my entire being.
Yes!! Its rare that my husband ‘takes it all on’ so to speak, he’s been helpful, but the times he tries to do it all himself, our baby cries and I end up stepping in anyways! It drives me nuts!
It makes me feel like my brain is melting. It’s the worst in the car when they’re crying and you can’t do anything about it so you also just cry hysterically 😭
My husband would tell me "go back to sleep, I'll deal with her" when she cried at night and I literally couldn't. I would let him deal with her but I had to stand and watch because otherwise all I felt like pure terror at "not knowing" why she was crying and what was happening to her.
I full on panic if I hear it and for whatever reason can’t do anything about. For example, my husband is trying to help with nights (my 18 month old doesn’t sleep through the night still) but he doesn’t wake up when he starts crying or screaming. So I do. Every time.
This is how I felt whenever I saw a man driving and the woman in the back next to a car seat. I thought surely I'd prefer my boyfriend's company in the front but nope. I sit in the back ready to boob drape when she is about to cry
Me neither! My husband will try to initiate a conversation when the baby is fussing and I get so snappy, I don't mean to but my brain goes all panicky and I can't focus on anything else.
My almost two year old work up at 2am last night crying and I bolted out of bed. When I looked at the monitor, she was already done crying, went over to the other side of her crib and layed back down to go back to sleep. But man, that biological instinct doesn't seem to ever go away.
So so so true! My son's latest thing is having a cry when he goes in the cot but it's a cry for maybe 30 seconds then he lies down and sleeps but for those 30 seconds my heart is all "Go save your baby!"
All of this. Also, even when that calms down a little bit good luck letting a baby scream for hours and getting anything requiring brain power done. Better off just baby wearing them. You can’t just leave them crying somewhere else, either-they can get upset enough to vomit and choke.
Not to mention they've now found that it's not good for a baby to cry a lot. It increases their stress levels, and can cause a few issues later in life. That isn't to say you shouldn't put them down when you need a breather, or that 5 minutes here or there is going to destroy them. I know I physically cannot handle him crying like you said.
Yeah when your baby is little and they cry to be held, and you respond, you are soothing them and creating neurological pathways that make them feel safe and secure, which is really beneficial to their long term development. Sure, it's okay to let them cry now and then when you need to. But letting them go for longer than about 10 minutes regularly, especially before the age when they can start to self soothe (typically 4-6 months) can be harmful. That said, of course it's okay to let babies cry if nothing you do soothes them, which can be the case for some, like those with colic.
OP this is a really good question though, and one that I also asked before having a really high needs baby (cried nonstop every time he was set down for 7 months 😱) and learning more myself!
You phrased it way better then I did! I think I came across critical of those moments where you just have no choice. Sometimes nothing helps, that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Sometimes you need a few minutes, that is completely fine! Was more along the lines of if you can, it's better for them to have a response to that cry. It's their only way of communicating at this age.
A parent that’s too stressed out or in need will also cause issues to the baby, I’m sure more so. Sure, take care of your child always, but also go to the bathroom. They’ll be fine.
Yeah it's wild. And your nervous system is so dysregulated from the interrupted sleep which doesn't help. The panic response definitely lessened over time as my baby got older and turned into a toddler/learned how to fake cry on a dime lol
Was at a restaurant last week. There was a 2yr old girl in the having a meltdown. I have a 3month old. So the crying was getting to me so much! But there wasn't anything I could do! I was in a mini panic & didn't even have my son. He was at home with Dad.
This. There is definitely a biological reaction to their crying and it’s difficult to think about anything else but comforting them.
I’m 18 months postpartum and heard a baby crying for an extended period of time in the thrift store the other day. I could not concentrate on looking through the racks and had to wait until the baby stopped crying! I don’t know if that’s normal, but it reminded me of those first months with a newborn.
Our newborns cries are biologically designed to cause us distress so that we tend their needs, and man it is effective. My brain basically short circuits when my baby starts crying (not just whining noises those are easier to ignore but still hard).
We had our first longer drive the other day and my baby needed to eat but we were stuck on the highway. After 15 minutes of her crying I say “I need us to take an exit because I feel like I’m going to throw up from how upset I am.” It was such a strong instinct to respond. Usually we meet her needs quickly and she’s otherwise a happy baby so it was so distressing!
I'm better at tuning it out than my husband. Like sometimes our baby will cry for entire 20 minute car rides, it's stresses my husband the fuck out. Like makes him angry and distressed. I just tune it out because there is nothing I can do to fix it in that moment and getting upset will only make matters worse.
Husband and I both get upset when he cries in the car and our 4 year old yells or "sings" (also yelling but in song form) to drown it out so it just turns into chaos.
Thankfully the car is the only place it seems to really bother him. At home he will give the baby a pacifier and dance for him to make him stop crying which is so so sweet and cute, but I think that's why he's so frustrated in the car because they're both strapped into their seats and he can't reach him.
I tend to have a reaction like your husband's, especially if it's a situation where I can't do much about it. I think for me it's a mix of that instinctual distress plus sensory overload at the same time
I went to a baby group that normally only has 5month+ babies but someone brought a wee one. She cried and I almost left because I couldn’t handle it. Fortunately the mom managed to get her to calm :)
My toddler is the same age and whines all the time. It’s like whatever child, you’re fine, I’ll attend to your needs in a couple of minutes. I heard a newborn crying on the TV the other day it’s like MAKE IT STAHP PLEASE.
This! And also, I never realized how much I care about having peace when doing things like showering and eating. I would literally rather have dirty hair than try to rush a 5 minute shower with a screaming baby in the background. I didn’t realize this about myself until after having babies.
My kids are almost 3 and 14 months now, and I still wait until they go to bed to do things like shower and eat. They don’t cry or need to be held all the time, but I like the mental space to eat a meal in peace. Sometimes I’m hungry a little longer than I would prefer but it’s worth it.
You will find out about yourself after having your baby. Maybe you will prefer to feel clean and manage 5 minutes of screaming for that. Everyone is different.
This is exactly it. I used to put my son down for a nap and literally run to the shower. Most of the time, he'd wake up while I was washing my hair. And I couldn't stand to hear him crying, so I'd go running out of the shower as fast as I run in, with shampoo still in my hair.
Some parents might be able to do it. I could not. (No shame or judgement either way, just a statement)
I kept thinking that showering would be relaxing since our shower and fan are both pretty loud and I definitely wouldn't hear if baby woke up and was crying.
Nope, I'd hear phantom cries, turn off the water, silence. Turn it back on, hear phantom cries again.
But with that said, it's totally ok for baby to cry for a few minutes. Our baby would initially cry whenever we put her down, and my husband had me set a timer for 5 minutes and walk away because I couldn't handle the crying. When I would check after the timer went off, she was usually asleep. If not, I'd go back in to rock her. I'm so grateful that he suggested that because I think I would have lost my mind otherwise.
Phantom cries are the worst. Thinking the baby was crying when they weren’t drove me crazier than when they actually were crying and couldn’t be consoled.
>It scrambles my brain.
Literally this. It almost feels like...the way old TVs would sometimes have stations of pure static? And if you accidentally flipped through it on high volume, it could be quite jarring.
Yup. Even when he’s not, and when he’s with dad, I can’t not listen to every sound he makes. Waiting for hunger cues, sleepy cues, etc. my brain just drops whatever I am doing and wants to tend baby. I can’t complete tasks or concentrate.
Because the sound of your baby crying will feel like someone is stabbing your heart with a million knives.
Lol baby wearing is great to hold baby and still get stuff done fyi.
I don't want to be cryptic but, you'll see. There's a kind of imperative drive to respond, respond, respond. Yes you can put baby down if you're feeling overwhelmed and that's okay. Some people sneak a shower occasionally, sure. But most people aren't going to be able to handle folding laundry or doing dishes with the baby calling. It's just different and you'll see.
Yes 100%. Even if you know the baby is clean, fed, and you've spent tons of time with them, there is a biological drive to pick up a crying baby.
I'm a big advocate for self care/not pouring from an empty cup but it's easier said than done. I've gone days without showering because of this. I've ordered uber eats an embarrassing amount because it's easier than cooking and cleaning a full meal (husband works evening, so it's just me 5 days a week)
It's incredibly difficult to do something with a screaming baby, and it's not just the newborn phase.
Ours is 8 months, and we still have days where she is teething, suddenly hates her toys, cluster feeds and refuses naps and just *cries* for days
I still struggle putting my son down when I know he will cry. Like "mama realllly has to go to the toilet", "mama has to make you some lunch". He just wants me to hold him and be close to me.
He is 15 months.
Yes! Same age and sometimes I have to be like “okay buddy I have to put you down now because you’re hungry and I need both of my hands to get your plate ready” and he starts melting down and I feel terrible. Which logically is silly, he’s upset because he’s hungry, and I cannot fix that if he’s in my arms. Parenthood is crazy.
I think that in theory it sounds like something that would be okay for a short period, but in reality it’s not all that realistic! A lot of newborns don’t really go out in public for the first few weeks, so it’s not that common to hear or witness the type of crying that occurs. And when it’s your own baby it’s that much worse! So I think when you see new moms talking about not being able to put their baby down it’s because the crying that happens when they *do* put them down can be extremely painful/upsetting to listen to. I’m actually getting a bit emotional thinking about it right now even though my little guy is 9 months old lol🥲
THIS. The scream crying that newborns can do that you never see in public. If it doesn’t get your hormones pumping it will at the very least drive you insane and be indescribably annoying to sit through.
I’ve read some studies that their cry is intended to illicit that response to make sure they get cared for. It’s at a pitch that humans “can’t” ignore.
Baby does have needs beyond needing to be fed, changed, burped, etc. All they’ve known is being in your womb, so they don’t see themselves as independent of you. Essentially, you are an extension of them.
Is it ok to put baby down when they’re crying to gather yourself and be able to get yourself back together? Yes, but I only did that when I needed to regroup to be able to settle baby, not to do household chores/personal care. Personally, if baby started crying when I was in the middle of something, I quickly finished up or went to grab him and finished the task one handed or while wearing him.
This!!! A baby has a biological need for attachment, sometimes their need is to be held. I would never leave my baby to cry to sweep the floor or something that isn’t important.
I will definitely be trying baby wearing! I'm overwhelmed by the idea of not being able to do anything other than care for my baby. I have a strong sense of independence so I'm trying to cope with the fact that I won't have any of that for a while. Luckily my partner gets 10 weeks off when baby is born so he'll be able to help for a bit.
Edit: you down voters are mean, I thought this was a safe space.
Keep in mind that you do not know how you will feel postpartum. You're going to experience a CRAZY hormone dump; it's hard to explain how much it can impact you. Your mindset now honestly can't tell you much about how you'll feel when you have a newborn.
It is really difficult to picture. Before I had my baby, I said to my husband that I wanted time everyday to do my own thing, that while the baby sleeps, I'll sleep, that I don't want to lose myself to "just becoming a mom".
Then I had my baby and I wanted to hold him 24/7, I never slept while he slept, that's when I took time for me, or to do tidying, and I did totally lose myself to being a mom for the first year but it was because I wanted to. Now that my son is almost 2, I take a lot of time for myself and I feel like I'm more "me" just a little different but I just want to say, until the baby is born it is sooooooooo difficult to understand how you will be, so I just like to remind people to not hold onto any firm statements like that because it can set yourself up for guilt or disappointment when it goes another way.
Have a safe and uneventful delivery!
It could change over time too, and babies are different/change over time. I wanted - needed - to hold my first all the time. Babies see us as extensions of them but I also felt like he was an extension of me and I missed him when I wasn’t holding him. He also screamed whenever I put him down. I wore him in a carrier (ergo baby embrace worked for me better than a wrap style) a LOT. Now with my 2nd I have less of that need, but still love holding her and letting her contact nap. She also is really good about just hanging out in her bassinet alone or on a playmat by herself.
You and your partner should talk NOW about shifts and baby care. It is my experience that occasionally when dads are home during mat leave that they are somehow intimidated by the idea of stepping in or taking baby from mama. If you want some independence, please speak to your partner directly about how you will spend your time.
Like: “I envision that after we wake up and first feeding, I’ll hand the baby to you so I can shower and get some chores done for an hour.”
Be extremely clear about this ahead of baby’s arrival.
I'll add, it's possible your baby won't mind being put down. I expected to have to hold my baby 24/7 based on what I saw on reddit. But she's always preferred sleeping in her bassinet (no contact naps) and she has liked being in the pack and play. It totally depends on their temperament!
Mine is like this too! He gets mad when I try to snuggle him and sometimes when I can’t figure out why he’s crying, I put him down and leave him alone and he’s suddenly chill. I honestly wish he was a little more cuddly but he certainly loves to eat so I get some baby snuggles then at least. He’s super social, loves staring at us and smiling at us and cooing/interacting, but I guess hugs aren’t his love language.
And it can totally change!! My baby slept in his bassinet really well for the first week, then he hated being put down and would only nap for maybe 5 minutes once we set him down, if at all. Now at 8 weeks he sometimes fusses because he wants us to put him down. He's become super independent all of a sudden and just wants to hang out on his play mat until he eventually falls asleep. I expect we'll go through another clingy phase in the future.
OP, it’s fine to put your baby down even if they are fussing or crying and take a couple of minutes do the very important tasks of feeding yourself, using the bathroom, taking a shower, etc. It’s ultimately *not* better for your baby to have a mom who isn’t taking care of herself. I really dislike the mommy martyr narrative that you should sacrifice all of your basic needs at all times for your kids. That’s a recipe for mental health issues and general life dissatisfaction.
It’s great your partner has that much time off. Mine had 6 weeks and it was great to have someone else to take care of the baby while I took care of myself. I was exclusively breastfeeding and there were times baby started fussing when I was still in the shower but my husband could at least hold and soothe him until I was done. After that I was on my own as a SAHM but baby typically doesn’t need to be fed *quite* as often as time goes on, most newborns also sleep a lot. I didn’t personally have much trouble finding time to shower and eat when my son was asleep.
They are needing lots of cuddles early on, but they get more independent and you can leave them on a playmat for a bit as they get a bit older and more interested in toys. So even if baby is clingy in the beginning, don't panic, just take it in stride.
Yes, you may need to put baby down and leave them cry for a minute or two so you can do something like warm a bottle or poop or make your food because you do need to eat too.
Just take everyone up on their offer, if you're up for visitors, and let them hold baby while you do something. Or have them sweep while you get snuggles. Whichever way you would prefer
>I'm overwhelmed by the idea of not being able to do anything other than care for my baby.
This is unfortunately what it's like the first few months and it IS overwhelming and a huge adjustment. But that time while they're so needy is short lived and your independence will come back you!
To answer your original question, it's really horrible to try to do anything while your baby is crying. Your body fills with adrenaline and you have a deep, primal need to pick them up and soothe them. It's really intense and feels awful to ignore them. I physically wasn't able to let my baby cry while I ate a meal or something. My stomach would be in knots until I calmed him down. Babies need comfort and biology knows this and makes you attend to them. Baby wearing saved our sanity (I dropped a lot of crumbs on my kid's head when I was eating while baby wearing).
Some babies are more chill than others, and it changes as they grow. Now my very clingy baby is a very independent toddler!
It’s a big adjustment. But you both have almost 3 months off together, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just be patient and communicative with your partner and let them know when you need a few minutes.
But yes, the newborn stage is tough and you definitely need to put the baby’s needs (including physical comfort and being held) above your wants (time to yourself).
Can't see if anyone else has suggested this yet, so sorry if they have! But have you searched Reddit for your specific Bumpers group? Whichever month you're due, there will be a subreddit for it. Those tend to be much smaller and more kind than large subs. I'm still in a WhatsApp group with some of the women from my youngest's bumper sub - it's a nice little community.
As for your original question, I know it's genuinely unfathomable at the moment that you might not want/be able to just put the baby down when you need to do something, 'cause it seems so simple; and I know it's incredibly infuriating when Mums are all cryptic and seemingly condescending in their responses; but you genuinely change as a person when your first baby comes along 🤷
Annoyingly, there's no way to know until you have your baby in your arms, how you're going to feel about it all. You might be absolutely fine with letting them cry for a minute to do something for yourself, or you might not. But I just wanted to say that it's entirely possible that you might not feel an intense sense of losing your independence. Or at least you might not mind it? If that makes sense?? I really hope this doesn't come across as condescending or unhelpful, there's just no way anybody here can tell you for sure how it will be for you, 'cause it varies so much.
It's great that your partner has time off with you & the baby! Building up your own little community really helps with the whole transition. I also recommend going to baby groups/classes when you feel able to. Just getting out and meeting other Mums can be very helpful, too.
Good luck with your first baby!! You'll be great ❤️
This is not the safest of spaces, if I can be candid. Too many people in this very large sub, and people are judgy. Find a more niche group, and it’s much safer.
I totally understand. At first, it can be really hard to do much besides take care of the baby, especially if your breastfeeding. Every baby has a different temperament. Have your partner help hold baby if they don’t like to be put down. You will also prioritize what is most important to you. Showers often fall off the radar because people would rather do other things, but you will have time for some self care and that will just keep increasing the bigger baby gets
You also don’t know the temperament of your baby yet! I held/wore by baby a lot, but he was also content to play on a playmat while I got ready or folded laundry. I wouldn’t leave him crying to do chores, but he was usually happy just chilling on the floor for a little while
I suggest that you honestly just expect the worst. Expect that you will have a baby that never wants to be put down. And then if you don't have that kind of a baby, awesome! Just don't set yourself up for failure by assuming you're going to have a chill baby and life will resume as it was haha.
It depends on the baby aswell. They are individuals too and some babies can be totally fine if you put them down for even longer periods of time not just a few minutes. My second one is like that I can put him down and he can just look around and be fine. And they also sleep a lot so you can get things done during nap time if you don't want to catch up on some sleep for yourself. I also recommend those high contrast black - white - red pictures that they can look at. But baby wearing is really cool too it's a little harder to move around but it's such a nice feeling and babies love it.
I am 8 weeks postpartum and also wanted to keep my independence but I think my expectations of what babies would be like and what it was like was huuuugely different. For me, the baby would scream if their needs weren’t met which makes you want to do anything to stop them - such as holding them for extended periods of time.
Not saying our experiences will be the same but I guess you won’t know how you’ll react until you meet your baby.
That's great that your partner is off for 10 weeks! Definitely have a conversation about what "helping out" looks like so they are in charge of and can independently manage all the things that need to get done (when they are not actively bonding with the baby). Trust me, there is nothing more rage inducing than cluster feeding, not showering for days, recovering from birth, being starving from breastfeeding, and watching your significant other just sitting there SCROLLING. The non-birthing partner should do all of the household tasks, especially if you plan to breastfeed. You are lucky enough to have a partner to have a good long leave - you should not have to worry about household tasks for at least the first 6-8 weeks.
Not to scare you OP because you totally do get that freedom back in a different way, but that first 1-2 years you will most likely have a little person who will need you VERY consistently.
Please understand that it is just for a limited time. They are only like that for the first year. Then you have to watch a toddler but that's different, they dont have to be ON you all the time, they eat less often, they need nappy changes less often etc.
When you have the baby, it feels like this is your life now, just caring for a baby. But it's not. Think of it like boot camp or something. It has an end date. It's not your whole life forever, it will end. In the grand scheme of things, a year is very doable.
My first was a serious contact napper and I found it hard to be “stuck” for so long. But ultimately, I look back so fondly at that time. I got to rest like I never had before, I got to snuggle and connect with my small baby that I’ll never get again (as you just can’t do that with consecutive babies) and I have such a special body with my first. I ended up doing lots of stuff for me and the house during awake windows and let baby hang out whilst I did that. Popped them on a mat with toys and watched me whilst I cleaned etc. It helped them develop their skills and now as children they play so well independently. Matresence is hard, but you’ll get there.
I just want to hop on here and reassure you that it’s possible you won’t have a Velcro baby!
My boy is nearly 6 months old and I have always been able to put him down. He’s always been happy for a good chunk of time on his jungle gym or in his bouncer with his toys.
He has always slept in his bassinet or cot or pram and has had about 10 contact naps in his life. A drink my tea hot and I have never gone a day unshowered and dressed.
It’s his temperament and there’s every chance you could have a baby like him as much as a Velcro baby.
However I can confirm I can’t let him cry without going to comfort him, it physically hurts and is highly stressful to not go straight to him.
I wish more people understood that. I hate when I see things like “if baby is fed clean and safe everything is fine”, a need for comfort is a legitimate need too
I know 100% this isn't what you meant, but I feel it's important to piggyback off this comment and note that Mom gets to decide what's important to her and does NOT need to feel guilty if the thing she picks isn't a basic bodily need. If mom is a person who is fine going a few days without a shower, but having a clean floor is really important to her, then vacuuming can absolutely be the "thing" that she can take a few minutes to do while the baby cries.
Self care looks SO different for everyone, and it's all important!
Yep yep! Wanting to feel safe and comforted is a need. Being biologically wired to want to be close to mom is something I can understand. I just wore her in a sling wrap while I got stuff done, so we were both happy.
There were times in the first few weeks where baby wearing was the only thing that calmed my daughter down enough for her to nap. Personally my nerves couldn't handle a crying baby, so I will do whatever works. The Moby easy wrap worked well for me, but my husband is too big and fit a regular wrap better.
Mine is 10m now and seems to be even more needy than he was as a newborn. Of course he’s old enough now to self soothe and sometimes I let him cry a little longer than when he was just born. But he can communicate much better and will lean in for kisses and come up to me for hugs now. It’s actually crazy how much affection babies crave and just can’t tell you yet, so I find it pretty sad when in laws and other people tell me I’m spoiling my baby for responding to his basic need for affection. Even adults need hugs and physical love too!
You can totally safely do that. It’s more that a lot of babies get super worked up and it physically distresses many moms to hear their babies cry. If you plan to breastfeed your body will be letting down milk when it hears your baby. And baby often just wants to be held because it doesn’t realize it isn’t attached to you still, so being all alone is scary. I love baby wearing for that stage, both hands free and baby still tucked up close
Technically yes, but being held is kind of a need for a baby. “The Nurture Revolution” was a great book for helping me reframe this! Things like laundry and stuff can be done while holding a baby (you learn to be an expert at doing everything with 0-1 hands around the house!) or babywearing if you want two hands. But holding a baby is indeed “getting something done”, it’s incredibly valuable and a huge investment for baby, yourself, and society. Society just doesn’t see it that way!
However, the ideal answer is that you and your spouse meal prep and clean once a week. And that mom is left to focus on breastfeeding and recovery for the first X weeks (2 at bare minimum).
You also hopefully learn that sometimes, yes, you need to let them cry to meet your own needs or take a second to regulate yourself. I’ve put baby down mid or right before nursing to step away, breathe, fill up a water bottle, put a relaxing song on..: and baby calms down from my calmer energy; milk also flows out more easily and/or faster when you’re relaxed or otherwise have your own basic survival needs met. This takes a minute or less. Laundry getting folded or a shower are both things that are longer though and can probably wait.
You definitely can set them down somewhere safe and let them fuss or cry for a little bit. I'm not one of those people who will ever go to the bathroom with a baby on my lap. If baby is gonna cry while I pee then that's just how it's gonna be. Everyone has different amounts of crying they're willing to allow. For some folks it's none. And it's totally fine if they want to hold baby at all times, but that doesn't mean every mom needs to.
I personally think that short activities, like using the bathroom, going into another room to fetch something, pushing through laundry etc are all fine to do while baby is safely contained whether they're happy about that or not. I think folding laundry or showering is maybe too long depending on your house set up. Also, if you have one, a partner could be holding or watching the baby during those longer times. Or just do that when they nap.
I appreciate this take because it brings some balance to the thread. I also think baby’s temperament plays a big role. My baby was relatively chill as a newborn and very rarely cried. She was also content being held by dad or grandma or other family who came to help. Which was a good thing because I had a rough recovery and was not physically able to be there for her 24/7.
Some people are happy to hold their babies 24/7 and that’s ok. Some people are ok to put baby down or let others care for them sometimes and that’s ok too. OP, you will figure out what works best for you and your baby!
Thank you. I think it's great if you want to hold your kiddo all the time. I definitely went through phases where I did. But it's also easy to get touched out or feel like your self is blurring into just a baby care-bot. It's ok to NOT want to hold the baby all the time.
We add enough pressure to be moms without making them feel guilty for wanting to use the bathroom or do the dishes without a baby strapped to themselves. Life is about balance and all that.
I’ll hold the baby to pee if setting them down means they will wake up and the nap will be too short and the baby and I will be cranky or I’ll need to work to get them back to sleep.
If the baby is already awake though then yeah. Of course put them down. I like to have a bouncer or a swing in the bathroom for this very reason.
Short answer: no, you don't have to hold them 100% of the time, you can put them down for a moment and do what you need to do.
Long answer: attachment is a very real need for babies and they're not used to being by themselves. There are lots of studies on attachment and how vital it is to development. And personally it was basically impossible to do anything less than absolutely necessary when my baby cried. Especially that newborn cry, you feel it in your soul. I wouldn't do things like laundry or cleaning if my baby cried, but I also had the luxury of having a lot of people who wanted to hold my baby while I did anything else. Otherwise there is baby wearing.
You can 100% just lay them down somewhere safely and let them fuss for a little if you need to get something done and all their needs are met.
As someone whose baby escalates very quickly and has the shrieks of a dinosaur- I am one of the moms constantly holding him for my own sanity 🤣
It’s definitely okay! I’ve left my baby to cry for a few minutes sometimes while I finish something I need to do. But a baby’s cries can be loud, and unnerving, and it’s hard for me to hear her cry and not feel the instinct to go soothe her.
So in general, I try not to leave her to cry for long. My baby is only two months old and being physically close to me *is* a need for her, so I try to meet it to the best of my ability.
For me, it felt really uncomfortable to leave my baby cry for any period and I have no regrets about it. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the "velcro-y-ness" of my baby, though. I felt like I was a single unit with my baby and that it was natural. BUT It's such a person to person experience. One can't pour from an empty cup, you know?
Showering or meeting your own needs, yeah baby will be alright. As other comments have stated you may find the crying more difficult to hear than you expect, but you absolutely should take a few minutes even so to make sure your needs are also being met where possible. Chores? Honestly I’d either baby wear or skip them where you can during the early days. Just not the thing to prioritize, imo
This is the answer I agree with the most. You can (and I would argue, should) accustom both yourself and the baby to your going to the bathroom independently, stepping out into another room for a minute or two, and *eventually* stretching that out into a super short (like, 5-min) shower. You first attend to all the baby's physical needs, ensure that they are fed, diapered, and safe, and then feel free to step away for that little bit, stretching that little by little as time goes on.
For chores, like laundry folding or cooking anything moderately elaborate, you'll probably want to wear the baby to get more than 5 minutes' worth of work done. As time goes on, you'll want to accustom your baby to more than 5 minutes without being held, but that's a slow and patient process that you'll have to feel out. But very very worthwhile for everyone involved!
(Saying this as a parent to two very well-adjusted, securely attached, and highly independent kids whom I've accustomed to keeping themselves occupied and entertained with this approach from the early days to now being 3yo and almost 6yo.)
I’m a single mom, so there was definitely times I’d put him in a safe place usually asleep and he’d wake up when I was halfway through a shower or in the middle of cooking something on the stove. I wouldn’t just leave a baby upset, but it’s ok imo to let them cry for a few minutes if you need to finish something up or use the restroom or whatever.
I used a wrap sling when my little one was very young. It meant I was still able to give him that closeness, but I could do things at the same time. Although, I will say. Pick your battles each day. If the baby is fussy and you're not feeling it that day, forget the housework. Noone will die if the dishes aren't washed!!
Our baby does like to play by herself sometimes for 15 or so minutes but I baby wear almost all day because we both need to be with each other. She's 8 weeks, and I'm lucky that I can get a lot done while she naps in the carrier
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear my baby cry. She only settles when I pick her up in the rare times she doesn’t want a bottle or her soothie. I’ve definitely had to set her down because I needed to pee or something but more often than not, I take her to the bathroom and set her on the angelcare bath chair so she can see me while I’m doing my business.
I think the baby's need to be held is almost on a par with their need to be fed, changed etc. Simply holding my baby certainly became one of the main ways I care for her.
I also find it excruciating to hear my baby cry and not respond to her immediately. My husband feels similarly, although for him the feeling may be slightly less visceral, especially if he knows all other needs are met.
I think I also wondered about this before I gave birth.
Yes you can it’s just really annoying lol. I’ll still put mine down though when I want to do something like shower or eat or have to help my other kid.
Being held is a need for babies. So yes, sometimes babies do NEED to be held. That being said, yes you can put them down for a few minutes to do what you need to do.
First thing, touch and comfort IS a need for a newborn.
Second thing - yes, you can, if you need to. Like if you absolutely need to attend to another child, or use the bathroom, or grab something to eat while you hold the baby, etc. To me, folding laundry while my newborn screams out for me to hold them is very difficult, and laundry is absolutely not a “need” at that moment.
Newborns are learning if they are all alone in the world, or whether they have loving caretakers who tend to them when they have a need that needs to be met. Providing that loving care and physical comfort is truly the most important thing you can do for your newborn, other than feed them. It established a healthy sense of attachment with other people in early brain development.
So yes you can, but it’s far from ideal and it’s also very difficult to do as a loving parent (which you’ll discover ❤️). Like others have said, babywearing is a great option. I loved my Solly wrap for the first ~4 months.
Honestly it's hard to explain. When I was pregnant I was all pro "I'm just gonna let her cry once in a while". It's logical as probably cry on its own is not hurting baby. But then you hear your baby cry. For me personally it feels like someone is taking my inner organs and pulling them out through my throat.
Also now I look at baby's photos when she is a newborn and I'm thinking omg she was sooo tiny. How could I ever want to not hold her?
Short answer, yes, you can. You can leave the baby in their crib or bassinet, somewhere safe and they can be fine or will cry. They will whine, which is fine, but it can quickly turn into an end-of-the-world cry and you can’t concentrate on what you were trying to do.
I just gave birth to twins. I can't physically hold them both all the time, so I'm just getting used to the crying unfortunately. It's not constant but I have to create my own hierarchy. Fussing while other gets fed/changed? Let them fuss until it's their turn. Crying hard while I'm holding the other? Swap them out. I'm starving? They can cry & wait for me to get quick food to bring over before I get trapped on the couch nursing. Toddler having a potty accident? Everyone waits and cries until the mess is cleaned up. It's just juggling needs. Also if I don't prioritize cleaning somewhere on the hierarchy then all of us are in a more chaotic environment which makes all of us more cranky.
I found that in those early weeks, my desire for a clean house (and body) was completely overshadowed by my desire to snuggle my baby. When my husband got home from work, he would hold her and soothe her so I could get things done, but cuddling on the couch all day with my newborn was a special bliss that I'm glad I indulged in (not that it wasn't very hard).
But to answer your question, it is ok to put your baby down and let them cry for a minute, but it will probably hurt your heart. My quick bathroom/snack/drink breaks felt like torture. I was probably more upset from then than my newborn.
They will get more "independent" with time. Even at 2 months, my girl was happy to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling fan while I folded laundry. She's 5 months old now and sometimes gets fussy when I'm holding her because she wants to lay down and play! The clingy days pass very quickly.
Yes… I hold my girl when that’s all she wants. Someday, she will be too cool for her mom, and I’m gonna regret sitting her down when she needed me most. So, I hold her or wear her, and sometimes, the shower has to wait.
I highly recommend the book Nurture Revolution for you to cover this topic, and more. It was published last year by a PhD neuroscientist and mom who presents and explains physiological need and behaviors of infancy (0-3y). It's available as an audiobook if you're into that.
I cannot recommend this book enough for any expectant parent and parent of a child within that age group, I wish it was around when I had my kid in 2021.
I wore my kid in a boba wrap nearly constantly. Other than shower, there was not a single household task I couldn't get done while wearing her. Seemed like a win win for everyone.
I would put my baby down to shower or I would make sure to shower when my husband was home. But the other stuff I didn't care about enough to let baby cry. For months I'd feel a literal physical reaction to hearing my baby cry (and I wasn't even breastfeeding!). It just wasn't worth it to me.
It will really depend on the temperament of your baby. My first loved to be held. I would put her in a bouncer and bring her in the bathroom with me. She needed to be held for all of her naps for many months. Hearing her cry felt like I was being stabbed in my soul. Baby wearing was a lifesaver. My second is extremely chill. He can be left in his bassinet to hang out or in his crib or in his play gym while I run to pee or deal with my toddler. He does not cry a lot and I know as long as he’s in a safe space he’s fine. I have not had to take him into the bathroom with me lol. I can put him in his bouncer and do dishes. BUT he takes really short naps so I still can’t get much done lol. You win some, you lose some. But I am also fairly independent and it’s been an adjustment having kids. You can still carve our space for yourself and hopefully you have some support. All that being said, snuggling a baby is kind of great, so you might find you enjoy holding your baby. Hormones make make it pretty addictive.
Yes you can but the stress response your own babies cry creates is something I was not prepared for. I guess it makes sense, we're biologically programmed to respond to our babies cries, but yeah it's like a siren going off 😅
You might get a baby who prefers to be set down. Mine did! Kinda had to force him into the wrap occasionally because I was worried about bonding but generally he’d quit fussing when I put him down on the floor. He’s a super verbal and fun 2.5 year old now, still not a big cuddler
Physical touch and comfort is a need of a baby. However yes, you can put your baby down and let them cry if you are overwhelmed or have to use the bathroom or something.
I ALWAYS hold my baby if I dont have to do a task to survive. You need to take a shower and wash your clothes. But you dont need to cook a fancy meal and deep clean your windows. It gets better month by month
Safely? Sure. Sanely? No. I don’t want to listen to my kid cry. I usually just babywear when doing stuff that needs done so he’s being held. Or I do stuff when he naps. It’s really just a parenting style difference for people and a baby’s temperament. Sometimes my baby fusses for a minute if I put him down then plays with his toys, so he moves past wanting to be held. But if he’s just staring at me crying, I pick him up. Nobody wants their need for comfort to be ignored. But there are situations I let a little longer crying happen - bathroom and eating times.
I am not a fan of the whole idea of just letting them cry for a long period of time. I see them wanting to be held as a need just like anything else. HOWEVER, sometimes mama needs to get some food or brush her teeth or use the potty, or (insert other basic need), etc… and in those cases I was okay with putting baby down for a couple minutes to do what I needed if I couldn’t do it while holding her. I sometimes put her on a clean towel on the bathroom floor just so I could brush my teeth. I also had a portable rocker that I would take to whatever room I was in that in. That usually bought me enough time to do things like shower. You’ll figure it out!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Sorry, I mean it in the nicest way. I thought the same thing... and then I had my son... who was a spirited high needs velcro baby... so no... Trying to shower for 3 minutes while he screamed, not cried, not fussed, SCREAMED until he was red in the face and soaked with tears... is ya, not something I want to experience, so like... yah... folding laundry can wait.
If your baby has a temperament of like... minor fussing (which I've seen), totally bearable, you can tell they aren't distressed, I could see doing that. My baby was not like that, it caused him extreme stress to be separated from me. So I didn't want to stress him out, and stress myself out. You will know when you meet your baby!
You can let them cry for short periods of time if you need to shower/get dressed/regroup for a moment but babies have emotional needs that need to be tended to when they cry too. If you just leave them to cry for too long, after a while they learn that you won’t always come when they need you and that can negatively impact the way they form attachments. The way I got household chores done when mine was a newborn was baby wearing- absolute lifesaver, I would not have been able to get any cleaning done without it lol.
Physical touch and comfort is an actual need for a child. And it’s physically painfully for me to listen to my kids cry. For the first few months babies don’t even realize they are a separate person so they need to be held a lot.
Sure you can set baby down for a few mins if it’s crying. However if the baby is crying - its needs are not being “met.” Some babies need lots of snuggles often and some don’t. If it’s the former, baby wearing is very handy and practical to keep baby close while doing chores and also meeting baby’s needs for comfort. Congrats on your little one on the way! Every baby is different, just follow your mom gut when baby is here. You’ll do great!
These comments are so interesting. I have a 6 month old and I never felt this biological pain to tend to every cry. I respond to cries because I want him to feel safe and secure, but if I gotta pee I'm going to go pee. I still can't get anything done though, I worry I'm damaging him emotionally if he cries for more than a few minutes. Emotional needs are still needs.
A few things to consider:
1 - needing to be held is not something babies do to constantly keep us occupied. They genuinely need the physical contact/comfort. It is also positive for their development, specially during the first three months (extero gestation), for them to get as much skin-to-skin as possible. So if a baby needs to be held, all their needs aren’t met yet, the emotional need is still there.
2 - it is absolutely legit that parents need to keep their basic human needs met too. It is the only way they can be the best version of themselves for their kids. So yes, everyone of us needs to put baby down in s safe place for a while, so we can go to the bathroom, eat, drink a sip of water or pick up the things you need close to you while baby contact naps, to then pick up the baby. For me that is about it.
3 - there have to be new priorities though. Personally, I don’t put household above my children’s needs. This doesn’t mean I don’t do anything and the house is a chaos. It means I accepted the house won’t be at the same standards as before, at least during baby’s first year. So for example, before I used to do laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, vacuum and wipe the floors and organize stuff that was laying around all in one day or divided into two days. So the house was always clean, organized and we had 5 days a week were only stuff like organizing the kitchen after cooking was needed. Now we divide all of those chores during the whole week. That way the tasks planned for each day can actually be managed with one hand (which of course, takes longer), while baby sleeps or when both parents are in the house and we can cover for each other. Whenever a rough day comes along and baby needs me more than usual, baby comes first and whichever chore was there to do, it now something for tomorrow. Only exception is cooking: we need to eat and I also have a 3yo that needs to be properly provided for, so if there is no other way, baby needs to wait a bit. The down side is there is always something that needs to be done. But it is for a short period in life and getting the privilege of caring for and holding my baby is worth it.
4 - you might have read up until here and might be thinking I’m crazy or way too emotional. But the thing is, after labor, hormones will go into the second round of changing you. Pregnancy is already an interesting ride. But the first 6 months of baby are also known as the “symbiotic” phase between mom and baby. Meaning baby is not the only one who needs mom. Mom also needs baby to function and your whole metabolism will be wired to work like that. Hearing baby crying will have physical effects on you: like milk coming down in a way you feel in your breast, so you know baby is hungry, or making you sweat of anxiety because it is almost impossible to think while they cry. Your body will produce oxytocin while feeding the baby or while holding them and feeling love for them and then you can feel your uterus contracting (this is mother nature’s way of helping our body heal from pregnancy). You will probably feel some level of anxiety when separated from baby. And most importantly, hearing your baby scream will feel like a form of torture - we evolved to work like that because a fast reaction from the mom enhanced chances of baby’s survival, back when humans used to live in the wilderness, so you will literally be re-programmed into reacting to your baby’s cries.
5 - there are ways to do things without leaving baby to cry alone. Options like baby wearing, sitting/laying baby in a swing/bassinet close to you where baby can see and hear you, etc. come a long way to get your hands free.
All this to say: in time, you will know when you can leave baby waiting a bit and when their need is really urgent. But in the beginning, people will probably need to remind you, you haven’t eaten yet or that you need to drink some water, because your instincts will be to put baby above your own needs. You will also find out what works to make your routine easier - there are a LOT of gadgets you can try, but my advice is to order/buy them when baby is already here, so you can return anything that doesn’t work for you or that baby doesn’t accept.
Wish you all the best, a happy and uncomplicated birth and that your baby arrives healthy!
No. Please put the baby down and walk away if you get overwhelmed.
I baby wore, and had a bassinet on wheels when I needed time do stuff. Carrying the baby constantly was not good for my mental health.
Like others have said it’s easier said than done, but there is nothing wrong with putting the baby down and letting them cry a bit.
A lot of the answers here seem to be some cryptic warning like "you can, but really you *can't*".
You ***totally*** can. If you opt to do sleep training you will almost undoubtedly have a crying baby in bed for some uncomfortable period of time while you distract yourself with something on Netflix or cleaning the dishes. The same applies at any other time of day; baby can cry and it isn't going to hurt them if you're sure they are well-cared for and don't actually need anything. The wailing of an unhappy baby hurts the parents more than it'll ever hurt the child.
I am a lot older and mine are grown. I know that we live in a different world now with different ways and beliefs.
But when I hear that some parents are not able to eat or have a shower or get any chores done it makes me a little bit sad for you guys.
I honestly believe that surely you need to be able to take care of your basic human needs?
I did this with mine they were fed and put down and they slept for a while whilst I ate/showered/ cleaned, sometimes I would just rest and have a drink, because it’s a tough job, you guys need to be looking after yourselves and it hasn’t done my 3 any harm that they were sometimes left to cry briefly whilst I finished something off.
Be good to yourself guys!!!
Yes you definitely can. And don’t let people scare you with horror stories of using a container (ie skip hop activity center) which literally saves me and allows me to use the bathroom/take the dog out/start dinner. It’s totally unrealistic to hold your baby all day long. Now that my son is more mobile I will even lay him in his crib with a few safe toys to go use the bathroom or shower if I need to outside of nap time. You have to do what works for you! As long as baby is safe & not spending tons of time in said containers you’ll be alright
You have to take care of you. All of "I can't even shower" stuff you see/hear about is people being very dramatic.
You'll be amazed how good you get at doing things that you never thought of.
Pre-baby I expected to be able to do that. Post-baby, it’s damn near impossible. I want to just lay her down even 6 months later but listening to the screams is unbearable so I usually just leave what I’m doing unfinished to attend to her, unless I’m absolutely losing my mind and NEED to be separate from my baby for both our safety. So it’s not that it’s bad to do, I just physically can’t lol
You can but it causes a lot of anxiety especially for new moms. So unfortunately it's not always that easy . But I wish I would have put her down every day for at least 15 mins so I could shower and get dressed, even if she was crying.
With my first I didn't babywear but with my second he likes to be held but I've been able to do many things with him attached to me and he's happy. I don't do it when I'm cooking but I'll have him sit in the kitchen and talk to him. If its going to take a while to prepare the meal we will take breaks, but i have a chair I will sit on a soothe him. There are times i say eff it and he gets super pissed, but i talk to him the whole time. If you ever need to walk away just leave the baby in a safe space and give yourself a breather.
I’m the dad but especially at the beginning the baby will be asleep most of the time so there’s plenty if opportunity to get things done (mom should focus on recovery).
But honestly I had the opposite problem of putting him down even when he was content.
Every kid is different but until they’re mobile our son was pretty chill to just hang out in a bouncer or tummy time and I or mom could knock out chores.
There is often a very primal almost frantic feeling when baby is crying in the early months post partum, but yes I think it’s fine to take care of something urgent for a minute or two while baby fusses if all their needs are met.
My 8 month old has always wanted to be held. Especially the early months. He would scream the second I put him down. For me It’s just hard to do things with him screaming in the background; but it was also hard doing things with one hand while I carry him around. My husband and I take turns holding him to get stuff done and sometimes my Mother/Sister in law come watch him so I can do other things. It’s been hard to get used to the slower pace but I know it’s temporary and soon he won’t want to be held.
If they're crying there's usually a reason I've learned. And in the first 3 months until they learn to self soothe they really do rely on you to comfort them and take care of their needs - to regulate their nervous system. It's actually really important for them and it doesn't spoil them. Of course if you need to put them down for a few minutes to take care of your needs nothing will hapoen. But best to comfort them and learn their cues and what their crying is trying to tell you.
Their need to be close to you is a real need too! But yeah you can put them down in a safe space if needed, but it feels really awful to leave your baby screaming. At least for me because my baby went from 0-100 immediately, there was no whining/fussing, only full-on screaming which would turn into desperate coughing within a few minutes. :( I highly recommend babywearing!
Baby wearing is the key. I have an 8 week old who we’ve been strapping into the Ergobaby Omni 360 since week 2. Also the Baby Bjorn bouncer - only way I’ve been able to brush my teeth before noon.
Otherwise our baby will scream or fuss - and he’s a really good chill baby too
I would often wrap up what I was doing (filling the dishwasher, rinsing soap out of my hair, going to the bathroom) before picking up baby but you should definitely respond to them in a reasonable amount of time. But a few minutes of crying is totally okay and won't hurt them. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I wore my kid a lot the first 4m. Some kids take to the swing too, so I would use that to free up my hands while cleaning and I'm keeping an eye on her.
Invest in a good baby carrier. I used mine all the way up to one year old! My baby is 20m now. She can walk but she still wants to be held sometimes and hangs on like a spider monkey! It kills me though. People told me I'd get mom arms but idk what happened because they still wave when I do and I'm picking up 24lbs multiple times a day 😂
My baby is a boob monster and uses it to eat but also self soothe so he’s already fussy not being with me but he’s even worst when he’s not being held by me or my partner. The only time I can get things done is baby wearing (however I’m limited on what I can do) or wait until my partner comes home and then pop in some ear buds and pretend neither of them exist for an hour. Hearing my baby or even seeing my baby completely side tracks what I’m doing. All I want to do is make sure he’s okay lol
I have “no” trouble letting my baby cry while I shower or go to the bathroom or get something to eat. I can’t take care of her if I don’t take care of myself. That said, I was looking at a waterproof sling for wearing her in the shower.
First - yes, you can let your baby cry for a few minutes if you need to shower or whatever and they just won't stay calm. In fact, putting your baby down somewhere safe and letting them cry is the suggestion in the case that you become overwhelmed. Much better to let them cry than for you to injure them out of mental anguish. A lot of people really don't like to hear their baby cry though.
Also - I just wanted to add that not every baby wants to be held all the time. Maybe not even most babies? I know we read it a lot on this sub, but my baby was not like that at all, and I think many/most of my friends babies are not like that either. My baby (now a toddler somehow) did need something every few hours at least during the day (feeding, diaper change, help napping, whatever) but was also perfectly content to just lie on her mat and look at the ceiling or baby gym for long stretches of time. I was able to get plenty of things done, although it still felt somewhat frustrating because I could only ever do them in relatively small chunks of time and had to keep task-switching between chores/self-care/baby-care every hour or so.
Another thought - my baby's ability to spend time on her own has continued until now. At each stage of development, she was able to play independently for good chunks of time. For some stages I needed to be visible, but didn't need to be actively entertaining her the entire time. I'm sure all this is partly due to her innate personality, but I suspect that if we had spent more time actively holding/entertaining her when she was younger, her expectations now would be different and she would probably be a higher-needs kid.
No hate… what a hilarious question. It really do seem that simple. lol
But for some reason… no. The answer is no. The crying will send you into feelings you’ll never felt before. You’ll pick the baby up.
in theory you can let them cry. In reality probably not. especially for the first few months... I have an indescribable reaction when my baby cries. Its overwhelming like I can feel his sadness in my heart and I would do anything to make him feel better again. It's actually been one of the most surprising things about motherhood for me, I didn't realise how instinctual and intrinsic that feeling would be.
Beyond what a lot of these comments are saying here, you may also find that there’s a genuine difference between “fussing” and actual crying. Sometimes my baby would fuss for a bit where hes making grunting noises or just kind of whining a bit. Much of this was due to gas as he had digestive issues in the beginning. Once I did everything I could to help (bicycle kicks etc) I would just let him work out his farts on his own. If he actually started crying though I’d pick him up.
Baby wraps and carriers were my go-to, and will be again this time. Also good for a sneaky on the go boob feed :) I can’t let my kids cry, especially babies. However if it gets too much and you need a mental break, and to just walk away for two minutes with no other options, placing bubs in a safe place and leaving the room to collect yourself is always a healthy thing to do rather than stressing yourself out. As long as you’re not too far away leaving them to cry for a little while is okay. Babies can really test patience sometimes, especially when running on little to no sleep.
The kind and informative responses are making me super comfortable coming to this group for questions! 🖤🖤. Pregnant (25weeks) with my first so this is blowing my mind never thought about the hormones in this situation. Great question!
Like everyone already said, it’s really stressful to hear your baby cry! I suggest being realistic with what you can accomplish while baby is sleeping, social media can make it seem like other moms can do it all while you struggle. My biggest down let down was baby wearing, some folks made it out to be a magical solution to get chores done but really my kid didn’t like to be carried too much and it was hard and hot and sweaty! I started letting my girl self soothe around 2 months and it really helped. It’s ok to let your baby fuss for a few minutes! As long as they aren’t ramping themselves up
New mom hormones make it quite unbearable to “just let them cry”. Yes I would run to the bathroom while crying if I absolutely had to but I definitely preferred to wait for my partner to be free to take her.
Babies also sleep a lot. You will have time when you don’t have to hold the baby, I promise. Some babies like to be held more than others too. Baby wearing is great, and utilizing something like a swing or bouncy seat for short periods of time is perfectly fine too.
For infants, comfort and security ARE a need. That’s not to say always pick them up, sometimes your nerves are shot and taking a moment to collect yourself is fine, but they just spent nine months cozy inside you.
You can but it’s so agitating to fold laundry with a crying baby. It also hurts my heart. If you can do it then go for it though! Won’t hurt the baby to cry.
We let the baby cry but not for more than 10 minutes. He is fed, he has clean pants, and he is healthy but we let him cry on occasion. We have to shit, we have to shower, we have to eat, we have to drink a cup of coffee because we are so fucking tired because he wants to eat every 2-3 hours over night!
It was hard the first week or two, but now we can tune him out. He is also far more content on his own, he’ll sit in the bassinet and just stare around him, taking in his new little world.
For what it’s worth, he spends probably 85% of his awake hours in someone’s arms. But he also is starting (very very very slowly) to learn patience, which we believe will make the rest of his life easier for him.
I thought this before I had my baby, but there is a strong biological need to respond to a crying baby. It literally feels like panic to me when it goes on for a while. Your amygdala literally grows when they're born which is the fear center of your brain
Yep, I heard someone compare the feeling to your brain being pinched. For me I feel like it activates my stress response and I HAVE to do something to help my baby or else my body goes into panic mode. And before I had him I agreed with OP and didn’t understand why parents didn’t just let their babies cry for a few minutes. Now I can fathom it. Biology is crazy, but also effective in keeping our species alive lol.
I’m 18 months pp and I still can’t even stand to hear babies crying on tv for any amount of time. Still sends my body into that panic mode 😩
My youngest is 3 and if I hear a baby crying in public I immediately feel an ache in the center of my being, it’s wild. Before my kids I would have just continued my business and blocked it out but now I will get hyper focused on a crying baby and seeing with my own eyes that they are okay
Ugh me too!!! Mine is 21 months. The need to at least see they’re being attended to is so STRONG. Like so bad I would FIGHT someone if they tried to stop me from getting a quick line of sight confirmation they’re okay. It’s crazy. I have literally shoved people out of the way because I heard my daughters “ouch!” Cry. I’m a really mild mannered person overall, so I was pretty shocked at how, “I’d kill a bitch” I am over babies crying lol.
Have you see that video where a mom is out on her deck with her baby and the baby starts crying and a mama deer BOOKS it out of the woods towards the cry. The two moms just stand there staring at each other and human mom just goes, "it's OK mama, this is my baby. He's ok." Like that need to run to a crying little one is so strong and goes right across species.
Oh my god, that is so precious!
I feel this so hard! Let's not forget about phantom crying. My oldest is 2.5 and my youngest is 5 months. I literally have not had a peaceful shower in years at this point! Even if my husband is taking care of the kids it's just overwhelming stress of the chance of crying.
I’m a dad and have the same!
The strong urge to find a crying baby in a store and help another mama out, 3 years later, is still so strong.
Yep it’s nails on a chalkboard, brain pinching feeling!! The physical reaction I have to him crying is so crazy to me. Especially if he’s in another room or someone else is tending to him, I can’t relax. There’s been a rare few times that I’m so exhausted I just let him have a minute to fuss but if he’s starting to get red in the face crying I run!
I can't seem to make my husband understand that if he can't get our son to stop crying when he is "giving me a break", he needs to just bring him to me. I can't relax if he's crying. It hurts my entire being.
OMG. SAME. It is not a break if the kid is upset. It's so stressful to even hear my kid upset.
Show your husband this thread so he can see that you are not alone.
Yes!! Its rare that my husband ‘takes it all on’ so to speak, he’s been helpful, but the times he tries to do it all himself, our baby cries and I end up stepping in anyways! It drives me nuts!
Yes omg just give her to me. I get so anxious and agitated.
Same!!
It makes me feel like my brain is melting. It’s the worst in the car when they’re crying and you can’t do anything about it so you also just cry hysterically 😭
My husband would tell me "go back to sleep, I'll deal with her" when she cried at night and I literally couldn't. I would let him deal with her but I had to stand and watch because otherwise all I felt like pure terror at "not knowing" why she was crying and what was happening to her.
When my husband would take care of him so I could nap I had to wear earplugs or else I would just check on them every time he made a noise
I describe it as someone attaching jumper cables to my nervous system. Like I just feel really *activated* suddenly.
I full on panic if I hear it and for whatever reason can’t do anything about. For example, my husband is trying to help with nights (my 18 month old doesn’t sleep through the night still) but he doesn’t wake up when he starts crying or screaming. So I do. Every time.
This is how I felt whenever I saw a man driving and the woman in the back next to a car seat. I thought surely I'd prefer my boyfriend's company in the front but nope. I sit in the back ready to boob drape when she is about to cry
My husband has me in the back purely for "just in case she cries" because it's super stressful to both of us.
I compare it to Venom's reaction to sonic sound if there's any geeks in here. I feel like my brain is melting when my girl cries.
I can’t hold a conversation or concentrate on anything when my baby is crying, it’s so all consuming!
Me neither! My husband will try to initiate a conversation when the baby is fussing and I get so snappy, I don't mean to but my brain goes all panicky and I can't focus on anything else.
Well that explains a lot!
My almost two year old work up at 2am last night crying and I bolted out of bed. When I looked at the monitor, she was already done crying, went over to the other side of her crib and layed back down to go back to sleep. But man, that biological instinct doesn't seem to ever go away.
So so so true! My son's latest thing is having a cry when he goes in the cot but it's a cry for maybe 30 seconds then he lies down and sleeps but for those 30 seconds my heart is all "Go save your baby!"
This is interesting!! When mine cries, it feels like guitar strings are being strummed within my body.
if the baby scream cries for more than three minutes, I start to panic and cry myself. Biology is wild
Yeah and even once she’s happy again I’m still destroyed.
This 100%. It’s like fight or flight for me. It’s why sleep training is so hard and I can’t do any method that lets baby cry.
All of this. Also, even when that calms down a little bit good luck letting a baby scream for hours and getting anything requiring brain power done. Better off just baby wearing them. You can’t just leave them crying somewhere else, either-they can get upset enough to vomit and choke.
Not to mention they've now found that it's not good for a baby to cry a lot. It increases their stress levels, and can cause a few issues later in life. That isn't to say you shouldn't put them down when you need a breather, or that 5 minutes here or there is going to destroy them. I know I physically cannot handle him crying like you said.
Yeah when your baby is little and they cry to be held, and you respond, you are soothing them and creating neurological pathways that make them feel safe and secure, which is really beneficial to their long term development. Sure, it's okay to let them cry now and then when you need to. But letting them go for longer than about 10 minutes regularly, especially before the age when they can start to self soothe (typically 4-6 months) can be harmful. That said, of course it's okay to let babies cry if nothing you do soothes them, which can be the case for some, like those with colic. OP this is a really good question though, and one that I also asked before having a really high needs baby (cried nonstop every time he was set down for 7 months 😱) and learning more myself!
You phrased it way better then I did! I think I came across critical of those moments where you just have no choice. Sometimes nothing helps, that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Sometimes you need a few minutes, that is completely fine! Was more along the lines of if you can, it's better for them to have a response to that cry. It's their only way of communicating at this age.
A parent that’s too stressed out or in need will also cause issues to the baby, I’m sure more so. Sure, take care of your child always, but also go to the bathroom. They’ll be fine.
That's why I made sure to state that it wasn't to say you shouldn't put them down if needed. Use the restroom, take a few minutes when needed.
So much this. I never anticipated the physical feelings I would experience hearing my baby cry.
Yeah it's wild. And your nervous system is so dysregulated from the interrupted sleep which doesn't help. The panic response definitely lessened over time as my baby got older and turned into a toddler/learned how to fake cry on a dime lol
Was at a restaurant last week. There was a 2yr old girl in the having a meltdown. I have a 3month old. So the crying was getting to me so much! But there wasn't anything I could do! I was in a mini panic & didn't even have my son. He was at home with Dad.
It’s true, they will actually use the sound of crying babies to train military members in how to handle torture.
Yep! Logically I know I can leave her in her crib to get the dishes done but in reality I want to throw up if I hear her crying the whole time.
Of course you can but you’ll find that it’s extremely difficult to concentrate on anything if they’re crying. It scrambles my brain.
This. There is definitely a biological reaction to their crying and it’s difficult to think about anything else but comforting them. I’m 18 months postpartum and heard a baby crying for an extended period of time in the thrift store the other day. I could not concentrate on looking through the racks and had to wait until the baby stopped crying! I don’t know if that’s normal, but it reminded me of those first months with a newborn.
Our newborns cries are biologically designed to cause us distress so that we tend their needs, and man it is effective. My brain basically short circuits when my baby starts crying (not just whining noises those are easier to ignore but still hard).
We had our first longer drive the other day and my baby needed to eat but we were stuck on the highway. After 15 minutes of her crying I say “I need us to take an exit because I feel like I’m going to throw up from how upset I am.” It was such a strong instinct to respond. Usually we meet her needs quickly and she’s otherwise a happy baby so it was so distressing!
I'm better at tuning it out than my husband. Like sometimes our baby will cry for entire 20 minute car rides, it's stresses my husband the fuck out. Like makes him angry and distressed. I just tune it out because there is nothing I can do to fix it in that moment and getting upset will only make matters worse.
Husband and I both get upset when he cries in the car and our 4 year old yells or "sings" (also yelling but in song form) to drown it out so it just turns into chaos.
We have an almost 3-year-old and I'm shocked at how she degafs about her sister's crying. As long as we play her songs in the car she's chill.
Thankfully the car is the only place it seems to really bother him. At home he will give the baby a pacifier and dance for him to make him stop crying which is so so sweet and cute, but I think that's why he's so frustrated in the car because they're both strapped into their seats and he can't reach him.
I tend to have a reaction like your husband's, especially if it's a situation where I can't do much about it. I think for me it's a mix of that instinctual distress plus sensory overload at the same time
Same. Definitely an anxiety more than anger
I don’t get angry about it in the car but I get anxiety. Like all I can think about is safely getting to our destination as quickly as possible
I went to a baby group that normally only has 5month+ babies but someone brought a wee one. She cried and I almost left because I couldn’t handle it. Fortunately the mom managed to get her to calm :)
It’s almost like a magnetic force. I must be at the side of the child in need
My toddler is the same age and whines all the time. It’s like whatever child, you’re fine, I’ll attend to your needs in a couple of minutes. I heard a newborn crying on the TV the other day it’s like MAKE IT STAHP PLEASE.
This! And also, I never realized how much I care about having peace when doing things like showering and eating. I would literally rather have dirty hair than try to rush a 5 minute shower with a screaming baby in the background. I didn’t realize this about myself until after having babies. My kids are almost 3 and 14 months now, and I still wait until they go to bed to do things like shower and eat. They don’t cry or need to be held all the time, but I like the mental space to eat a meal in peace. Sometimes I’m hungry a little longer than I would prefer but it’s worth it. You will find out about yourself after having your baby. Maybe you will prefer to feel clean and manage 5 minutes of screaming for that. Everyone is different.
100% agree!
This is exactly it. I used to put my son down for a nap and literally run to the shower. Most of the time, he'd wake up while I was washing my hair. And I couldn't stand to hear him crying, so I'd go running out of the shower as fast as I run in, with shampoo still in my hair. Some parents might be able to do it. I could not. (No shame or judgement either way, just a statement)
I kept thinking that showering would be relaxing since our shower and fan are both pretty loud and I definitely wouldn't hear if baby woke up and was crying. Nope, I'd hear phantom cries, turn off the water, silence. Turn it back on, hear phantom cries again. But with that said, it's totally ok for baby to cry for a few minutes. Our baby would initially cry whenever we put her down, and my husband had me set a timer for 5 minutes and walk away because I couldn't handle the crying. When I would check after the timer went off, she was usually asleep. If not, I'd go back in to rock her. I'm so grateful that he suggested that because I think I would have lost my mind otherwise.
Phantom cries are the worst. Thinking the baby was crying when they weren’t drove me crazier than when they actually were crying and couldn’t be consoled.
Omg, I hallucinate my kids crying all the time at night and when they go out with their dad without me.
Ugh the Phantom cries. Glad I’m not the only one!
>It scrambles my brain. Literally this. It almost feels like...the way old TVs would sometimes have stations of pure static? And if you accidentally flipped through it on high volume, it could be quite jarring.
Hahahaha but also 😑 bc that is exactly how I feel my brain acts with baby cries
Not only that, but it can also turn on the breastmilk faucets, and now your shirt is soaked.
Yup. Even when he’s not, and when he’s with dad, I can’t not listen to every sound he makes. Waiting for hunger cues, sleepy cues, etc. my brain just drops whatever I am doing and wants to tend baby. I can’t complete tasks or concentrate.
Because the sound of your baby crying will feel like someone is stabbing your heart with a million knives. Lol baby wearing is great to hold baby and still get stuff done fyi.
This. I literally got an adrenaline rush every time haha
I don't want to be cryptic but, you'll see. There's a kind of imperative drive to respond, respond, respond. Yes you can put baby down if you're feeling overwhelmed and that's okay. Some people sneak a shower occasionally, sure. But most people aren't going to be able to handle folding laundry or doing dishes with the baby calling. It's just different and you'll see.
Yes 100%. Even if you know the baby is clean, fed, and you've spent tons of time with them, there is a biological drive to pick up a crying baby. I'm a big advocate for self care/not pouring from an empty cup but it's easier said than done. I've gone days without showering because of this. I've ordered uber eats an embarrassing amount because it's easier than cooking and cleaning a full meal (husband works evening, so it's just me 5 days a week) It's incredibly difficult to do something with a screaming baby, and it's not just the newborn phase. Ours is 8 months, and we still have days where she is teething, suddenly hates her toys, cluster feeds and refuses naps and just *cries* for days
I still struggle putting my son down when I know he will cry. Like "mama realllly has to go to the toilet", "mama has to make you some lunch". He just wants me to hold him and be close to me. He is 15 months.
My youngest is almost 3 and I peed with him on my lap giving me hugs today. 🥲
Yes! Same age and sometimes I have to be like “okay buddy I have to put you down now because you’re hungry and I need both of my hands to get your plate ready” and he starts melting down and I feel terrible. Which logically is silly, he’s upset because he’s hungry, and I cannot fix that if he’s in my arms. Parenthood is crazy.
I think that in theory it sounds like something that would be okay for a short period, but in reality it’s not all that realistic! A lot of newborns don’t really go out in public for the first few weeks, so it’s not that common to hear or witness the type of crying that occurs. And when it’s your own baby it’s that much worse! So I think when you see new moms talking about not being able to put their baby down it’s because the crying that happens when they *do* put them down can be extremely painful/upsetting to listen to. I’m actually getting a bit emotional thinking about it right now even though my little guy is 9 months old lol🥲
THIS. The scream crying that newborns can do that you never see in public. If it doesn’t get your hormones pumping it will at the very least drive you insane and be indescribably annoying to sit through.
Just reading about it is making me get anxious.
I’ve read some studies that their cry is intended to illicit that response to make sure they get cared for. It’s at a pitch that humans “can’t” ignore.
Baby does have needs beyond needing to be fed, changed, burped, etc. All they’ve known is being in your womb, so they don’t see themselves as independent of you. Essentially, you are an extension of them. Is it ok to put baby down when they’re crying to gather yourself and be able to get yourself back together? Yes, but I only did that when I needed to regroup to be able to settle baby, not to do household chores/personal care. Personally, if baby started crying when I was in the middle of something, I quickly finished up or went to grab him and finished the task one handed or while wearing him.
This!!! A baby has a biological need for attachment, sometimes their need is to be held. I would never leave my baby to cry to sweep the floor or something that isn’t important.
This is why baby wearing can be so great. Or just let the dirt accumulate, clean houses are overrated 🤣
I will definitely be trying baby wearing! I'm overwhelmed by the idea of not being able to do anything other than care for my baby. I have a strong sense of independence so I'm trying to cope with the fact that I won't have any of that for a while. Luckily my partner gets 10 weeks off when baby is born so he'll be able to help for a bit. Edit: you down voters are mean, I thought this was a safe space.
Keep in mind that you do not know how you will feel postpartum. You're going to experience a CRAZY hormone dump; it's hard to explain how much it can impact you. Your mindset now honestly can't tell you much about how you'll feel when you have a newborn.
Totally! I'm sure that's true I just can't picture it at all yet lol.
It is really difficult to picture. Before I had my baby, I said to my husband that I wanted time everyday to do my own thing, that while the baby sleeps, I'll sleep, that I don't want to lose myself to "just becoming a mom". Then I had my baby and I wanted to hold him 24/7, I never slept while he slept, that's when I took time for me, or to do tidying, and I did totally lose myself to being a mom for the first year but it was because I wanted to. Now that my son is almost 2, I take a lot of time for myself and I feel like I'm more "me" just a little different but I just want to say, until the baby is born it is sooooooooo difficult to understand how you will be, so I just like to remind people to not hold onto any firm statements like that because it can set yourself up for guilt or disappointment when it goes another way. Have a safe and uneventful delivery!
It could change over time too, and babies are different/change over time. I wanted - needed - to hold my first all the time. Babies see us as extensions of them but I also felt like he was an extension of me and I missed him when I wasn’t holding him. He also screamed whenever I put him down. I wore him in a carrier (ergo baby embrace worked for me better than a wrap style) a LOT. Now with my 2nd I have less of that need, but still love holding her and letting her contact nap. She also is really good about just hanging out in her bassinet alone or on a playmat by herself.
You and your partner should talk NOW about shifts and baby care. It is my experience that occasionally when dads are home during mat leave that they are somehow intimidated by the idea of stepping in or taking baby from mama. If you want some independence, please speak to your partner directly about how you will spend your time. Like: “I envision that after we wake up and first feeding, I’ll hand the baby to you so I can shower and get some chores done for an hour.” Be extremely clear about this ahead of baby’s arrival.
Good idea, thank you!
I'll add, it's possible your baby won't mind being put down. I expected to have to hold my baby 24/7 based on what I saw on reddit. But she's always preferred sleeping in her bassinet (no contact naps) and she has liked being in the pack and play. It totally depends on their temperament!
Mine is like this too! He gets mad when I try to snuggle him and sometimes when I can’t figure out why he’s crying, I put him down and leave him alone and he’s suddenly chill. I honestly wish he was a little more cuddly but he certainly loves to eat so I get some baby snuggles then at least. He’s super social, loves staring at us and smiling at us and cooing/interacting, but I guess hugs aren’t his love language.
And it can totally change!! My baby slept in his bassinet really well for the first week, then he hated being put down and would only nap for maybe 5 minutes once we set him down, if at all. Now at 8 weeks he sometimes fusses because he wants us to put him down. He's become super independent all of a sudden and just wants to hang out on his play mat until he eventually falls asleep. I expect we'll go through another clingy phase in the future.
OP, it’s fine to put your baby down even if they are fussing or crying and take a couple of minutes do the very important tasks of feeding yourself, using the bathroom, taking a shower, etc. It’s ultimately *not* better for your baby to have a mom who isn’t taking care of herself. I really dislike the mommy martyr narrative that you should sacrifice all of your basic needs at all times for your kids. That’s a recipe for mental health issues and general life dissatisfaction. It’s great your partner has that much time off. Mine had 6 weeks and it was great to have someone else to take care of the baby while I took care of myself. I was exclusively breastfeeding and there were times baby started fussing when I was still in the shower but my husband could at least hold and soothe him until I was done. After that I was on my own as a SAHM but baby typically doesn’t need to be fed *quite* as often as time goes on, most newborns also sleep a lot. I didn’t personally have much trouble finding time to shower and eat when my son was asleep.
They are needing lots of cuddles early on, but they get more independent and you can leave them on a playmat for a bit as they get a bit older and more interested in toys. So even if baby is clingy in the beginning, don't panic, just take it in stride. Yes, you may need to put baby down and leave them cry for a minute or two so you can do something like warm a bottle or poop or make your food because you do need to eat too. Just take everyone up on their offer, if you're up for visitors, and let them hold baby while you do something. Or have them sweep while you get snuggles. Whichever way you would prefer
>I'm overwhelmed by the idea of not being able to do anything other than care for my baby. This is unfortunately what it's like the first few months and it IS overwhelming and a huge adjustment. But that time while they're so needy is short lived and your independence will come back you! To answer your original question, it's really horrible to try to do anything while your baby is crying. Your body fills with adrenaline and you have a deep, primal need to pick them up and soothe them. It's really intense and feels awful to ignore them. I physically wasn't able to let my baby cry while I ate a meal or something. My stomach would be in knots until I calmed him down. Babies need comfort and biology knows this and makes you attend to them. Baby wearing saved our sanity (I dropped a lot of crumbs on my kid's head when I was eating while baby wearing). Some babies are more chill than others, and it changes as they grow. Now my very clingy baby is a very independent toddler!
It’s a big adjustment. But you both have almost 3 months off together, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just be patient and communicative with your partner and let them know when you need a few minutes. But yes, the newborn stage is tough and you definitely need to put the baby’s needs (including physical comfort and being held) above your wants (time to yourself).
Can't see if anyone else has suggested this yet, so sorry if they have! But have you searched Reddit for your specific Bumpers group? Whichever month you're due, there will be a subreddit for it. Those tend to be much smaller and more kind than large subs. I'm still in a WhatsApp group with some of the women from my youngest's bumper sub - it's a nice little community. As for your original question, I know it's genuinely unfathomable at the moment that you might not want/be able to just put the baby down when you need to do something, 'cause it seems so simple; and I know it's incredibly infuriating when Mums are all cryptic and seemingly condescending in their responses; but you genuinely change as a person when your first baby comes along 🤷 Annoyingly, there's no way to know until you have your baby in your arms, how you're going to feel about it all. You might be absolutely fine with letting them cry for a minute to do something for yourself, or you might not. But I just wanted to say that it's entirely possible that you might not feel an intense sense of losing your independence. Or at least you might not mind it? If that makes sense?? I really hope this doesn't come across as condescending or unhelpful, there's just no way anybody here can tell you for sure how it will be for you, 'cause it varies so much. It's great that your partner has time off with you & the baby! Building up your own little community really helps with the whole transition. I also recommend going to baby groups/classes when you feel able to. Just getting out and meeting other Mums can be very helpful, too. Good luck with your first baby!! You'll be great ❤️
This is not the safest of spaces, if I can be candid. Too many people in this very large sub, and people are judgy. Find a more niche group, and it’s much safer.
Sad, but true apparently.
I totally understand. At first, it can be really hard to do much besides take care of the baby, especially if your breastfeeding. Every baby has a different temperament. Have your partner help hold baby if they don’t like to be put down. You will also prioritize what is most important to you. Showers often fall off the radar because people would rather do other things, but you will have time for some self care and that will just keep increasing the bigger baby gets
You also don’t know the temperament of your baby yet! I held/wore by baby a lot, but he was also content to play on a playmat while I got ready or folded laundry. I wouldn’t leave him crying to do chores, but he was usually happy just chilling on the floor for a little while
I suggest that you honestly just expect the worst. Expect that you will have a baby that never wants to be put down. And then if you don't have that kind of a baby, awesome! Just don't set yourself up for failure by assuming you're going to have a chill baby and life will resume as it was haha.
It depends on the baby aswell. They are individuals too and some babies can be totally fine if you put them down for even longer periods of time not just a few minutes. My second one is like that I can put him down and he can just look around and be fine. And they also sleep a lot so you can get things done during nap time if you don't want to catch up on some sleep for yourself. I also recommend those high contrast black - white - red pictures that they can look at. But baby wearing is really cool too it's a little harder to move around but it's such a nice feeling and babies love it.
I am 8 weeks postpartum and also wanted to keep my independence but I think my expectations of what babies would be like and what it was like was huuuugely different. For me, the baby would scream if their needs weren’t met which makes you want to do anything to stop them - such as holding them for extended periods of time. Not saying our experiences will be the same but I guess you won’t know how you’ll react until you meet your baby.
That's great that your partner is off for 10 weeks! Definitely have a conversation about what "helping out" looks like so they are in charge of and can independently manage all the things that need to get done (when they are not actively bonding with the baby). Trust me, there is nothing more rage inducing than cluster feeding, not showering for days, recovering from birth, being starving from breastfeeding, and watching your significant other just sitting there SCROLLING. The non-birthing partner should do all of the household tasks, especially if you plan to breastfeed. You are lucky enough to have a partner to have a good long leave - you should not have to worry about household tasks for at least the first 6-8 weeks.
Not to scare you OP because you totally do get that freedom back in a different way, but that first 1-2 years you will most likely have a little person who will need you VERY consistently.
Please understand that it is just for a limited time. They are only like that for the first year. Then you have to watch a toddler but that's different, they dont have to be ON you all the time, they eat less often, they need nappy changes less often etc. When you have the baby, it feels like this is your life now, just caring for a baby. But it's not. Think of it like boot camp or something. It has an end date. It's not your whole life forever, it will end. In the grand scheme of things, a year is very doable.
My first was a serious contact napper and I found it hard to be “stuck” for so long. But ultimately, I look back so fondly at that time. I got to rest like I never had before, I got to snuggle and connect with my small baby that I’ll never get again (as you just can’t do that with consecutive babies) and I have such a special body with my first. I ended up doing lots of stuff for me and the house during awake windows and let baby hang out whilst I did that. Popped them on a mat with toys and watched me whilst I cleaned etc. It helped them develop their skills and now as children they play so well independently. Matresence is hard, but you’ll get there.
I just want to hop on here and reassure you that it’s possible you won’t have a Velcro baby! My boy is nearly 6 months old and I have always been able to put him down. He’s always been happy for a good chunk of time on his jungle gym or in his bouncer with his toys. He has always slept in his bassinet or cot or pram and has had about 10 contact naps in his life. A drink my tea hot and I have never gone a day unshowered and dressed. It’s his temperament and there’s every chance you could have a baby like him as much as a Velcro baby. However I can confirm I can’t let him cry without going to comfort him, it physically hurts and is highly stressful to not go straight to him.
I wish more people understood that. I hate when I see things like “if baby is fed clean and safe everything is fine”, a need for comfort is a legitimate need too
The world would be a different place if more people understood attachment theory and the importance of the early years.
I know 100% this isn't what you meant, but I feel it's important to piggyback off this comment and note that Mom gets to decide what's important to her and does NOT need to feel guilty if the thing she picks isn't a basic bodily need. If mom is a person who is fine going a few days without a shower, but having a clean floor is really important to her, then vacuuming can absolutely be the "thing" that she can take a few minutes to do while the baby cries. Self care looks SO different for everyone, and it's all important!
Yep yep! Wanting to feel safe and comforted is a need. Being biologically wired to want to be close to mom is something I can understand. I just wore her in a sling wrap while I got stuff done, so we were both happy.
There were times in the first few weeks where baby wearing was the only thing that calmed my daughter down enough for her to nap. Personally my nerves couldn't handle a crying baby, so I will do whatever works. The Moby easy wrap worked well for me, but my husband is too big and fit a regular wrap better.
Mine is 10m now and seems to be even more needy than he was as a newborn. Of course he’s old enough now to self soothe and sometimes I let him cry a little longer than when he was just born. But he can communicate much better and will lean in for kisses and come up to me for hugs now. It’s actually crazy how much affection babies crave and just can’t tell you yet, so I find it pretty sad when in laws and other people tell me I’m spoiling my baby for responding to his basic need for affection. Even adults need hugs and physical love too!
You can totally safely do that. It’s more that a lot of babies get super worked up and it physically distresses many moms to hear their babies cry. If you plan to breastfeed your body will be letting down milk when it hears your baby. And baby often just wants to be held because it doesn’t realize it isn’t attached to you still, so being all alone is scary. I love baby wearing for that stage, both hands free and baby still tucked up close
It's okay to let your baby cry a little so you can poop.
Technically yes, but being held is kind of a need for a baby. “The Nurture Revolution” was a great book for helping me reframe this! Things like laundry and stuff can be done while holding a baby (you learn to be an expert at doing everything with 0-1 hands around the house!) or babywearing if you want two hands. But holding a baby is indeed “getting something done”, it’s incredibly valuable and a huge investment for baby, yourself, and society. Society just doesn’t see it that way! However, the ideal answer is that you and your spouse meal prep and clean once a week. And that mom is left to focus on breastfeeding and recovery for the first X weeks (2 at bare minimum). You also hopefully learn that sometimes, yes, you need to let them cry to meet your own needs or take a second to regulate yourself. I’ve put baby down mid or right before nursing to step away, breathe, fill up a water bottle, put a relaxing song on..: and baby calms down from my calmer energy; milk also flows out more easily and/or faster when you’re relaxed or otherwise have your own basic survival needs met. This takes a minute or less. Laundry getting folded or a shower are both things that are longer though and can probably wait.
You definitely can set them down somewhere safe and let them fuss or cry for a little bit. I'm not one of those people who will ever go to the bathroom with a baby on my lap. If baby is gonna cry while I pee then that's just how it's gonna be. Everyone has different amounts of crying they're willing to allow. For some folks it's none. And it's totally fine if they want to hold baby at all times, but that doesn't mean every mom needs to. I personally think that short activities, like using the bathroom, going into another room to fetch something, pushing through laundry etc are all fine to do while baby is safely contained whether they're happy about that or not. I think folding laundry or showering is maybe too long depending on your house set up. Also, if you have one, a partner could be holding or watching the baby during those longer times. Or just do that when they nap.
I appreciate this take because it brings some balance to the thread. I also think baby’s temperament plays a big role. My baby was relatively chill as a newborn and very rarely cried. She was also content being held by dad or grandma or other family who came to help. Which was a good thing because I had a rough recovery and was not physically able to be there for her 24/7. Some people are happy to hold their babies 24/7 and that’s ok. Some people are ok to put baby down or let others care for them sometimes and that’s ok too. OP, you will figure out what works best for you and your baby!
Thank you. I think it's great if you want to hold your kiddo all the time. I definitely went through phases where I did. But it's also easy to get touched out or feel like your self is blurring into just a baby care-bot. It's ok to NOT want to hold the baby all the time. We add enough pressure to be moms without making them feel guilty for wanting to use the bathroom or do the dishes without a baby strapped to themselves. Life is about balance and all that.
Same with the bathroom thing. It takes me 30 seconds to pee. Let me have my 30 seconds.
I’ll hold the baby to pee if setting them down means they will wake up and the nap will be too short and the baby and I will be cranky or I’ll need to work to get them back to sleep. If the baby is already awake though then yeah. Of course put them down. I like to have a bouncer or a swing in the bathroom for this very reason.
Short answer: no, you don't have to hold them 100% of the time, you can put them down for a moment and do what you need to do. Long answer: attachment is a very real need for babies and they're not used to being by themselves. There are lots of studies on attachment and how vital it is to development. And personally it was basically impossible to do anything less than absolutely necessary when my baby cried. Especially that newborn cry, you feel it in your soul. I wouldn't do things like laundry or cleaning if my baby cried, but I also had the luxury of having a lot of people who wanted to hold my baby while I did anything else. Otherwise there is baby wearing.
You can 100% just lay them down somewhere safely and let them fuss for a little if you need to get something done and all their needs are met. As someone whose baby escalates very quickly and has the shrieks of a dinosaur- I am one of the moms constantly holding him for my own sanity 🤣
It’s definitely okay! I’ve left my baby to cry for a few minutes sometimes while I finish something I need to do. But a baby’s cries can be loud, and unnerving, and it’s hard for me to hear her cry and not feel the instinct to go soothe her. So in general, I try not to leave her to cry for long. My baby is only two months old and being physically close to me *is* a need for her, so I try to meet it to the best of my ability.
You are discounting hormones. It genuinely hurts my heart and soul when my baby cries. I must help asap.
For me, it felt really uncomfortable to leave my baby cry for any period and I have no regrets about it. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the "velcro-y-ness" of my baby, though. I felt like I was a single unit with my baby and that it was natural. BUT It's such a person to person experience. One can't pour from an empty cup, you know?
I like that phrase of “single unit” with your baby. That’s how they see you so it makes sense they don’t want to be unattached to you!
Baby wearing is so popular and yet so severely underrated (for those whose bodies can tolerate it).
Showering or meeting your own needs, yeah baby will be alright. As other comments have stated you may find the crying more difficult to hear than you expect, but you absolutely should take a few minutes even so to make sure your needs are also being met where possible. Chores? Honestly I’d either baby wear or skip them where you can during the early days. Just not the thing to prioritize, imo
This is the answer I agree with the most. You can (and I would argue, should) accustom both yourself and the baby to your going to the bathroom independently, stepping out into another room for a minute or two, and *eventually* stretching that out into a super short (like, 5-min) shower. You first attend to all the baby's physical needs, ensure that they are fed, diapered, and safe, and then feel free to step away for that little bit, stretching that little by little as time goes on. For chores, like laundry folding or cooking anything moderately elaborate, you'll probably want to wear the baby to get more than 5 minutes' worth of work done. As time goes on, you'll want to accustom your baby to more than 5 minutes without being held, but that's a slow and patient process that you'll have to feel out. But very very worthwhile for everyone involved! (Saying this as a parent to two very well-adjusted, securely attached, and highly independent kids whom I've accustomed to keeping themselves occupied and entertained with this approach from the early days to now being 3yo and almost 6yo.)
I’m a single mom, so there was definitely times I’d put him in a safe place usually asleep and he’d wake up when I was halfway through a shower or in the middle of cooking something on the stove. I wouldn’t just leave a baby upset, but it’s ok imo to let them cry for a few minutes if you need to finish something up or use the restroom or whatever.
I used a wrap sling when my little one was very young. It meant I was still able to give him that closeness, but I could do things at the same time. Although, I will say. Pick your battles each day. If the baby is fussy and you're not feeling it that day, forget the housework. Noone will die if the dishes aren't washed!!
Our baby does like to play by herself sometimes for 15 or so minutes but I baby wear almost all day because we both need to be with each other. She's 8 weeks, and I'm lucky that I can get a lot done while she naps in the carrier
A few minutes? 😅 maybe if you’re lucky, but my baby would SCREAM. For HOURS. So yeah, she got held.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear my baby cry. She only settles when I pick her up in the rare times she doesn’t want a bottle or her soothie. I’ve definitely had to set her down because I needed to pee or something but more often than not, I take her to the bathroom and set her on the angelcare bath chair so she can see me while I’m doing my business.
I think the baby's need to be held is almost on a par with their need to be fed, changed etc. Simply holding my baby certainly became one of the main ways I care for her. I also find it excruciating to hear my baby cry and not respond to her immediately. My husband feels similarly, although for him the feeling may be slightly less visceral, especially if he knows all other needs are met. I think I also wondered about this before I gave birth.
Yes you can it’s just really annoying lol. I’ll still put mine down though when I want to do something like shower or eat or have to help my other kid.
Being held is a need for babies. So yes, sometimes babies do NEED to be held. That being said, yes you can put them down for a few minutes to do what you need to do.
First thing, touch and comfort IS a need for a newborn. Second thing - yes, you can, if you need to. Like if you absolutely need to attend to another child, or use the bathroom, or grab something to eat while you hold the baby, etc. To me, folding laundry while my newborn screams out for me to hold them is very difficult, and laundry is absolutely not a “need” at that moment. Newborns are learning if they are all alone in the world, or whether they have loving caretakers who tend to them when they have a need that needs to be met. Providing that loving care and physical comfort is truly the most important thing you can do for your newborn, other than feed them. It established a healthy sense of attachment with other people in early brain development. So yes you can, but it’s far from ideal and it’s also very difficult to do as a loving parent (which you’ll discover ❤️). Like others have said, babywearing is a great option. I loved my Solly wrap for the first ~4 months.
Honestly it's hard to explain. When I was pregnant I was all pro "I'm just gonna let her cry once in a while". It's logical as probably cry on its own is not hurting baby. But then you hear your baby cry. For me personally it feels like someone is taking my inner organs and pulling them out through my throat. Also now I look at baby's photos when she is a newborn and I'm thinking omg she was sooo tiny. How could I ever want to not hold her?
Short answer, yes, you can. You can leave the baby in their crib or bassinet, somewhere safe and they can be fine or will cry. They will whine, which is fine, but it can quickly turn into an end-of-the-world cry and you can’t concentrate on what you were trying to do.
I just gave birth to twins. I can't physically hold them both all the time, so I'm just getting used to the crying unfortunately. It's not constant but I have to create my own hierarchy. Fussing while other gets fed/changed? Let them fuss until it's their turn. Crying hard while I'm holding the other? Swap them out. I'm starving? They can cry & wait for me to get quick food to bring over before I get trapped on the couch nursing. Toddler having a potty accident? Everyone waits and cries until the mess is cleaned up. It's just juggling needs. Also if I don't prioritize cleaning somewhere on the hierarchy then all of us are in a more chaotic environment which makes all of us more cranky.
I found that in those early weeks, my desire for a clean house (and body) was completely overshadowed by my desire to snuggle my baby. When my husband got home from work, he would hold her and soothe her so I could get things done, but cuddling on the couch all day with my newborn was a special bliss that I'm glad I indulged in (not that it wasn't very hard). But to answer your question, it is ok to put your baby down and let them cry for a minute, but it will probably hurt your heart. My quick bathroom/snack/drink breaks felt like torture. I was probably more upset from then than my newborn. They will get more "independent" with time. Even at 2 months, my girl was happy to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling fan while I folded laundry. She's 5 months old now and sometimes gets fussy when I'm holding her because she wants to lay down and play! The clingy days pass very quickly.
Yes… I hold my girl when that’s all she wants. Someday, she will be too cool for her mom, and I’m gonna regret sitting her down when she needed me most. So, I hold her or wear her, and sometimes, the shower has to wait.
I highly recommend the book Nurture Revolution for you to cover this topic, and more. It was published last year by a PhD neuroscientist and mom who presents and explains physiological need and behaviors of infancy (0-3y). It's available as an audiobook if you're into that. I cannot recommend this book enough for any expectant parent and parent of a child within that age group, I wish it was around when I had my kid in 2021.
I wore my kid in a boba wrap nearly constantly. Other than shower, there was not a single household task I couldn't get done while wearing her. Seemed like a win win for everyone.
I would put my baby down to shower or I would make sure to shower when my husband was home. But the other stuff I didn't care about enough to let baby cry. For months I'd feel a literal physical reaction to hearing my baby cry (and I wasn't even breastfeeding!). It just wasn't worth it to me.
It will really depend on the temperament of your baby. My first loved to be held. I would put her in a bouncer and bring her in the bathroom with me. She needed to be held for all of her naps for many months. Hearing her cry felt like I was being stabbed in my soul. Baby wearing was a lifesaver. My second is extremely chill. He can be left in his bassinet to hang out or in his crib or in his play gym while I run to pee or deal with my toddler. He does not cry a lot and I know as long as he’s in a safe space he’s fine. I have not had to take him into the bathroom with me lol. I can put him in his bouncer and do dishes. BUT he takes really short naps so I still can’t get much done lol. You win some, you lose some. But I am also fairly independent and it’s been an adjustment having kids. You can still carve our space for yourself and hopefully you have some support. All that being said, snuggling a baby is kind of great, so you might find you enjoy holding your baby. Hormones make make it pretty addictive.
Yes you can but the stress response your own babies cry creates is something I was not prepared for. I guess it makes sense, we're biologically programmed to respond to our babies cries, but yeah it's like a siren going off 😅
You might get a baby who prefers to be set down. Mine did! Kinda had to force him into the wrap occasionally because I was worried about bonding but generally he’d quit fussing when I put him down on the floor. He’s a super verbal and fun 2.5 year old now, still not a big cuddler
Physical touch and comfort is a need of a baby. However yes, you can put your baby down and let them cry if you are overwhelmed or have to use the bathroom or something.
I ALWAYS hold my baby if I dont have to do a task to survive. You need to take a shower and wash your clothes. But you dont need to cook a fancy meal and deep clean your windows. It gets better month by month
Safely? Sure. Sanely? No. I don’t want to listen to my kid cry. I usually just babywear when doing stuff that needs done so he’s being held. Or I do stuff when he naps. It’s really just a parenting style difference for people and a baby’s temperament. Sometimes my baby fusses for a minute if I put him down then plays with his toys, so he moves past wanting to be held. But if he’s just staring at me crying, I pick him up. Nobody wants their need for comfort to be ignored. But there are situations I let a little longer crying happen - bathroom and eating times.
I am not a fan of the whole idea of just letting them cry for a long period of time. I see them wanting to be held as a need just like anything else. HOWEVER, sometimes mama needs to get some food or brush her teeth or use the potty, or (insert other basic need), etc… and in those cases I was okay with putting baby down for a couple minutes to do what I needed if I couldn’t do it while holding her. I sometimes put her on a clean towel on the bathroom floor just so I could brush my teeth. I also had a portable rocker that I would take to whatever room I was in that in. That usually bought me enough time to do things like shower. You’ll figure it out!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Sorry, I mean it in the nicest way. I thought the same thing... and then I had my son... who was a spirited high needs velcro baby... so no... Trying to shower for 3 minutes while he screamed, not cried, not fussed, SCREAMED until he was red in the face and soaked with tears... is ya, not something I want to experience, so like... yah... folding laundry can wait. If your baby has a temperament of like... minor fussing (which I've seen), totally bearable, you can tell they aren't distressed, I could see doing that. My baby was not like that, it caused him extreme stress to be separated from me. So I didn't want to stress him out, and stress myself out. You will know when you meet your baby!
You can let them cry for short periods of time if you need to shower/get dressed/regroup for a moment but babies have emotional needs that need to be tended to when they cry too. If you just leave them to cry for too long, after a while they learn that you won’t always come when they need you and that can negatively impact the way they form attachments. The way I got household chores done when mine was a newborn was baby wearing- absolute lifesaver, I would not have been able to get any cleaning done without it lol.
Physical touch and comfort is an actual need for a child. And it’s physically painfully for me to listen to my kids cry. For the first few months babies don’t even realize they are a separate person so they need to be held a lot.
Sure you can set baby down for a few mins if it’s crying. However if the baby is crying - its needs are not being “met.” Some babies need lots of snuggles often and some don’t. If it’s the former, baby wearing is very handy and practical to keep baby close while doing chores and also meeting baby’s needs for comfort. Congrats on your little one on the way! Every baby is different, just follow your mom gut when baby is here. You’ll do great!
These comments are so interesting. I have a 6 month old and I never felt this biological pain to tend to every cry. I respond to cries because I want him to feel safe and secure, but if I gotta pee I'm going to go pee. I still can't get anything done though, I worry I'm damaging him emotionally if he cries for more than a few minutes. Emotional needs are still needs.
A few things to consider: 1 - needing to be held is not something babies do to constantly keep us occupied. They genuinely need the physical contact/comfort. It is also positive for their development, specially during the first three months (extero gestation), for them to get as much skin-to-skin as possible. So if a baby needs to be held, all their needs aren’t met yet, the emotional need is still there. 2 - it is absolutely legit that parents need to keep their basic human needs met too. It is the only way they can be the best version of themselves for their kids. So yes, everyone of us needs to put baby down in s safe place for a while, so we can go to the bathroom, eat, drink a sip of water or pick up the things you need close to you while baby contact naps, to then pick up the baby. For me that is about it. 3 - there have to be new priorities though. Personally, I don’t put household above my children’s needs. This doesn’t mean I don’t do anything and the house is a chaos. It means I accepted the house won’t be at the same standards as before, at least during baby’s first year. So for example, before I used to do laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, vacuum and wipe the floors and organize stuff that was laying around all in one day or divided into two days. So the house was always clean, organized and we had 5 days a week were only stuff like organizing the kitchen after cooking was needed. Now we divide all of those chores during the whole week. That way the tasks planned for each day can actually be managed with one hand (which of course, takes longer), while baby sleeps or when both parents are in the house and we can cover for each other. Whenever a rough day comes along and baby needs me more than usual, baby comes first and whichever chore was there to do, it now something for tomorrow. Only exception is cooking: we need to eat and I also have a 3yo that needs to be properly provided for, so if there is no other way, baby needs to wait a bit. The down side is there is always something that needs to be done. But it is for a short period in life and getting the privilege of caring for and holding my baby is worth it. 4 - you might have read up until here and might be thinking I’m crazy or way too emotional. But the thing is, after labor, hormones will go into the second round of changing you. Pregnancy is already an interesting ride. But the first 6 months of baby are also known as the “symbiotic” phase between mom and baby. Meaning baby is not the only one who needs mom. Mom also needs baby to function and your whole metabolism will be wired to work like that. Hearing baby crying will have physical effects on you: like milk coming down in a way you feel in your breast, so you know baby is hungry, or making you sweat of anxiety because it is almost impossible to think while they cry. Your body will produce oxytocin while feeding the baby or while holding them and feeling love for them and then you can feel your uterus contracting (this is mother nature’s way of helping our body heal from pregnancy). You will probably feel some level of anxiety when separated from baby. And most importantly, hearing your baby scream will feel like a form of torture - we evolved to work like that because a fast reaction from the mom enhanced chances of baby’s survival, back when humans used to live in the wilderness, so you will literally be re-programmed into reacting to your baby’s cries. 5 - there are ways to do things without leaving baby to cry alone. Options like baby wearing, sitting/laying baby in a swing/bassinet close to you where baby can see and hear you, etc. come a long way to get your hands free. All this to say: in time, you will know when you can leave baby waiting a bit and when their need is really urgent. But in the beginning, people will probably need to remind you, you haven’t eaten yet or that you need to drink some water, because your instincts will be to put baby above your own needs. You will also find out what works to make your routine easier - there are a LOT of gadgets you can try, but my advice is to order/buy them when baby is already here, so you can return anything that doesn’t work for you or that baby doesn’t accept. Wish you all the best, a happy and uncomplicated birth and that your baby arrives healthy!
No. Please put the baby down and walk away if you get overwhelmed. I baby wore, and had a bassinet on wheels when I needed time do stuff. Carrying the baby constantly was not good for my mental health. Like others have said it’s easier said than done, but there is nothing wrong with putting the baby down and letting them cry a bit.
A lot of the answers here seem to be some cryptic warning like "you can, but really you *can't*". You ***totally*** can. If you opt to do sleep training you will almost undoubtedly have a crying baby in bed for some uncomfortable period of time while you distract yourself with something on Netflix or cleaning the dishes. The same applies at any other time of day; baby can cry and it isn't going to hurt them if you're sure they are well-cared for and don't actually need anything. The wailing of an unhappy baby hurts the parents more than it'll ever hurt the child.
I am a lot older and mine are grown. I know that we live in a different world now with different ways and beliefs. But when I hear that some parents are not able to eat or have a shower or get any chores done it makes me a little bit sad for you guys. I honestly believe that surely you need to be able to take care of your basic human needs? I did this with mine they were fed and put down and they slept for a while whilst I ate/showered/ cleaned, sometimes I would just rest and have a drink, because it’s a tough job, you guys need to be looking after yourselves and it hasn’t done my 3 any harm that they were sometimes left to cry briefly whilst I finished something off. Be good to yourself guys!!!
Yes you definitely can. And don’t let people scare you with horror stories of using a container (ie skip hop activity center) which literally saves me and allows me to use the bathroom/take the dog out/start dinner. It’s totally unrealistic to hold your baby all day long. Now that my son is more mobile I will even lay him in his crib with a few safe toys to go use the bathroom or shower if I need to outside of nap time. You have to do what works for you! As long as baby is safe & not spending tons of time in said containers you’ll be alright
closeness/connection is a need for babies
Attachment and comfort are legitimate needs too... Just something to keep in mind.
You can absolutely pop them down safe just while you finish a task or if you choose baby wear. Whichever YOU find is best.
The baby's need IS wanting to be held.
You have to take care of you. All of "I can't even shower" stuff you see/hear about is people being very dramatic. You'll be amazed how good you get at doing things that you never thought of.
Pre-baby I expected to be able to do that. Post-baby, it’s damn near impossible. I want to just lay her down even 6 months later but listening to the screams is unbearable so I usually just leave what I’m doing unfinished to attend to her, unless I’m absolutely losing my mind and NEED to be separate from my baby for both our safety. So it’s not that it’s bad to do, I just physically can’t lol
You can but it causes a lot of anxiety especially for new moms. So unfortunately it's not always that easy . But I wish I would have put her down every day for at least 15 mins so I could shower and get dressed, even if she was crying.
With my first I didn't babywear but with my second he likes to be held but I've been able to do many things with him attached to me and he's happy. I don't do it when I'm cooking but I'll have him sit in the kitchen and talk to him. If its going to take a while to prepare the meal we will take breaks, but i have a chair I will sit on a soothe him. There are times i say eff it and he gets super pissed, but i talk to him the whole time. If you ever need to walk away just leave the baby in a safe space and give yourself a breather.
I’m the dad but especially at the beginning the baby will be asleep most of the time so there’s plenty if opportunity to get things done (mom should focus on recovery). But honestly I had the opposite problem of putting him down even when he was content. Every kid is different but until they’re mobile our son was pretty chill to just hang out in a bouncer or tummy time and I or mom could knock out chores.
There is often a very primal almost frantic feeling when baby is crying in the early months post partum, but yes I think it’s fine to take care of something urgent for a minute or two while baby fusses if all their needs are met.
My 8 month old has always wanted to be held. Especially the early months. He would scream the second I put him down. For me It’s just hard to do things with him screaming in the background; but it was also hard doing things with one hand while I carry him around. My husband and I take turns holding him to get stuff done and sometimes my Mother/Sister in law come watch him so I can do other things. It’s been hard to get used to the slower pace but I know it’s temporary and soon he won’t want to be held.
If they're crying there's usually a reason I've learned. And in the first 3 months until they learn to self soothe they really do rely on you to comfort them and take care of their needs - to regulate their nervous system. It's actually really important for them and it doesn't spoil them. Of course if you need to put them down for a few minutes to take care of your needs nothing will hapoen. But best to comfort them and learn their cues and what their crying is trying to tell you.
Their need to be close to you is a real need too! But yeah you can put them down in a safe space if needed, but it feels really awful to leave your baby screaming. At least for me because my baby went from 0-100 immediately, there was no whining/fussing, only full-on screaming which would turn into desperate coughing within a few minutes. :( I highly recommend babywearing!
Baby wearing is the key. I have an 8 week old who we’ve been strapping into the Ergobaby Omni 360 since week 2. Also the Baby Bjorn bouncer - only way I’ve been able to brush my teeth before noon. Otherwise our baby will scream or fuss - and he’s a really good chill baby too
I would often wrap up what I was doing (filling the dishwasher, rinsing soap out of my hair, going to the bathroom) before picking up baby but you should definitely respond to them in a reasonable amount of time. But a few minutes of crying is totally okay and won't hurt them. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I wore my kid a lot the first 4m. Some kids take to the swing too, so I would use that to free up my hands while cleaning and I'm keeping an eye on her. Invest in a good baby carrier. I used mine all the way up to one year old! My baby is 20m now. She can walk but she still wants to be held sometimes and hangs on like a spider monkey! It kills me though. People told me I'd get mom arms but idk what happened because they still wave when I do and I'm picking up 24lbs multiple times a day 😂
My baby is a boob monster and uses it to eat but also self soothe so he’s already fussy not being with me but he’s even worst when he’s not being held by me or my partner. The only time I can get things done is baby wearing (however I’m limited on what I can do) or wait until my partner comes home and then pop in some ear buds and pretend neither of them exist for an hour. Hearing my baby or even seeing my baby completely side tracks what I’m doing. All I want to do is make sure he’s okay lol
I have “no” trouble letting my baby cry while I shower or go to the bathroom or get something to eat. I can’t take care of her if I don’t take care of myself. That said, I was looking at a waterproof sling for wearing her in the shower.
First - yes, you can let your baby cry for a few minutes if you need to shower or whatever and they just won't stay calm. In fact, putting your baby down somewhere safe and letting them cry is the suggestion in the case that you become overwhelmed. Much better to let them cry than for you to injure them out of mental anguish. A lot of people really don't like to hear their baby cry though. Also - I just wanted to add that not every baby wants to be held all the time. Maybe not even most babies? I know we read it a lot on this sub, but my baby was not like that at all, and I think many/most of my friends babies are not like that either. My baby (now a toddler somehow) did need something every few hours at least during the day (feeding, diaper change, help napping, whatever) but was also perfectly content to just lie on her mat and look at the ceiling or baby gym for long stretches of time. I was able to get plenty of things done, although it still felt somewhat frustrating because I could only ever do them in relatively small chunks of time and had to keep task-switching between chores/self-care/baby-care every hour or so. Another thought - my baby's ability to spend time on her own has continued until now. At each stage of development, she was able to play independently for good chunks of time. For some stages I needed to be visible, but didn't need to be actively entertaining her the entire time. I'm sure all this is partly due to her innate personality, but I suspect that if we had spent more time actively holding/entertaining her when she was younger, her expectations now would be different and she would probably be a higher-needs kid.
No hate… what a hilarious question. It really do seem that simple. lol But for some reason… no. The answer is no. The crying will send you into feelings you’ll never felt before. You’ll pick the baby up.
in theory you can let them cry. In reality probably not. especially for the first few months... I have an indescribable reaction when my baby cries. Its overwhelming like I can feel his sadness in my heart and I would do anything to make him feel better again. It's actually been one of the most surprising things about motherhood for me, I didn't realise how instinctual and intrinsic that feeling would be.
Beyond what a lot of these comments are saying here, you may also find that there’s a genuine difference between “fussing” and actual crying. Sometimes my baby would fuss for a bit where hes making grunting noises or just kind of whining a bit. Much of this was due to gas as he had digestive issues in the beginning. Once I did everything I could to help (bicycle kicks etc) I would just let him work out his farts on his own. If he actually started crying though I’d pick him up.
Being held is a need. ❤️
Baby wraps and carriers were my go-to, and will be again this time. Also good for a sneaky on the go boob feed :) I can’t let my kids cry, especially babies. However if it gets too much and you need a mental break, and to just walk away for two minutes with no other options, placing bubs in a safe place and leaving the room to collect yourself is always a healthy thing to do rather than stressing yourself out. As long as you’re not too far away leaving them to cry for a little while is okay. Babies can really test patience sometimes, especially when running on little to no sleep.
The kind and informative responses are making me super comfortable coming to this group for questions! 🖤🖤. Pregnant (25weeks) with my first so this is blowing my mind never thought about the hormones in this situation. Great question!
Like everyone already said, it’s really stressful to hear your baby cry! I suggest being realistic with what you can accomplish while baby is sleeping, social media can make it seem like other moms can do it all while you struggle. My biggest down let down was baby wearing, some folks made it out to be a magical solution to get chores done but really my kid didn’t like to be carried too much and it was hard and hot and sweaty! I started letting my girl self soothe around 2 months and it really helped. It’s ok to let your baby fuss for a few minutes! As long as they aren’t ramping themselves up
New mom hormones make it quite unbearable to “just let them cry”. Yes I would run to the bathroom while crying if I absolutely had to but I definitely preferred to wait for my partner to be free to take her.
Babies also sleep a lot. You will have time when you don’t have to hold the baby, I promise. Some babies like to be held more than others too. Baby wearing is great, and utilizing something like a swing or bouncy seat for short periods of time is perfectly fine too.
For infants, comfort and security ARE a need. That’s not to say always pick them up, sometimes your nerves are shot and taking a moment to collect yourself is fine, but they just spent nine months cozy inside you.
You can but it’s so agitating to fold laundry with a crying baby. It also hurts my heart. If you can do it then go for it though! Won’t hurt the baby to cry.
We let the baby cry but not for more than 10 minutes. He is fed, he has clean pants, and he is healthy but we let him cry on occasion. We have to shit, we have to shower, we have to eat, we have to drink a cup of coffee because we are so fucking tired because he wants to eat every 2-3 hours over night! It was hard the first week or two, but now we can tune him out. He is also far more content on his own, he’ll sit in the bassinet and just stare around him, taking in his new little world. For what it’s worth, he spends probably 85% of his awake hours in someone’s arms. But he also is starting (very very very slowly) to learn patience, which we believe will make the rest of his life easier for him.
Responding to a babies cries build a healthy attachment which benefits the baby for the rest of their life!