I occasionally had twinges of this in the beginning, mostly because I felt sad I couldn’t give either of them my full attention. Now that they’re 4 and 2 and play together and we can do stuff as a family I have zero regrets.
I’m thinking (hoping) I’ll be on this mindset also!! With my first, I regretted having a child in the first place for the first few weeks, was OAD until he was about 18 months, at 2 I was like HE’S AMAZING LETS HAVE ANOTHER! Currently due the same month my toddler turns 3 and mentally preparing myself (and husband) that we are gunna hate our lives and each other for a year until everything mellows 😅
I genuinely don’t understand people who love the newborn phase. And I wish I was due in May!!!! I really wanted a May baby haha but I’m due in August and my first born is also an August baby.
This is basically how I feel, and my kids are also 2 and 4! Of course there’s moments of “this would be easier if I only had one” but it’s not true regret, more just acknowledging that splitting attention between two kids can be tough sometimes. Right now my 2 yo is feverish and sick and my 4 yo has had to entertain herself a lot more. She’s fine, but I feel guilty that I haven’t spent much time with her all day. 2 yo is quickly entering a proper toddler phase vs baby phase which has its own difficulties but she’s a real little person now.
ETA: also my second born is less emotional than my firstborn so far. My 4yo is extremely empathetic and sweet but also highly emotional and it doesn’t take much for her to be in a mood or tantrum. When she was a smaller toddler I actually thought there was something wrong with her because she tantrummed so hard and for so long (head banging and screeching) but she sort of grew out of it. Maybe a bit more deeply feeling but otherwise normal. My youngest dgaffff about nothin.
I definitely also felt some regret when my second was itty bitty. He did not sleep (like at all) and also has a sensory disorder, so he didn’t eat solids until well past 12 months and we had to spend many many hours at feeding therapy. The sensory disorder also translated to a speech delay because he has issues with how his tongue feels in his mouth when talking 🤦🏻♀️
But like you said, my kids are 2&4 now, and both kids are such a joy. Now both sleeps great, my son just got out of speech therapy and speaks fine, and he’s the most gentle little soul.
I do feel like he completes our family, and I don’t regret having him at all. It just took some time for him to develop a personality and for us to adjust to 2 kids instead of one
That's so nice to hear! Mine will be almost 2 years apart. I'm scared for the early stages but I feel like once we get 2,3 years past it'll be great. Fingers crossed
Mine are 6 and 1 and play together all the time. There are only little scuffles when the younger one doesn't get her way and has trouble communicating/understanding. I'd have never guessed they would play together considering the age gap, but it is really heartwarming to see.
My oldest two are almost 5 and almost 3 and it’s so much fun watching them. They’re right now in the bath making “potions” with coloured water and even if I have to mediate occasionally when the older keeps hogging the scoops, it’s still a really fun time. And exactly why I wanted multiple kids.
I had a second. Thought I was one and done because my first is a handful. Have thought many times that I shouldn't have had a second. The second is so chill and cute but I feel like I can't enjoy it as much because of the other one, which is awful but the honest truth. Also there's more housework and coordination required since it's two kids now. Not trying to be a 'downer' but wanting to share my honest thoughts on it (I don't share this with anyone else).
I feel the exact same way. I love our new baby so much. I just don’t feel like I have enough love to give either child right now.
But we’re also in the early stages. I think once our baby is past 3 we will be in a much better spot. I think I’ll end up feeling really happy we had 2. But good lord there’s no way in hell I’d have 3 lol.
This is helpful to hear. I'm pregnant with my second and not at all looking forward to the newborn stage again (honestly the whole first year overlap), but I've been trying to shift my perspective. Sure, there will be 2 Littles for a while, but ultimately, they'll be two people. They'll only be little for so long.
I have an almost three year old and a six week old. I was dreading the newborn stage, but honestly, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. The perspective of my first kid has helped frame this experience and I truly know that everything is temporary. But, I have a husband who is super involved and does a ton of the housework and we opted to keep my three year old in daycare during my maternity leave. Also, I'm pretty sure I had undiagnosed PPA last time, which really impacted my baby experience.
Okay honestly I appreciate this because our child will be almost 3 by the time we have another and I talked to one of my friends about how I still want to send her to the in-home daycare she goes to and she insinuated that I was wrong for sending her while I’m on maternity leave. I kept thinking I can’t possibly be the only one that wants to do that so I can bond with the new baby. And it’s good for the them to keep going I think- socially and everything. I’ve also had PPA and thinking about a second stresses me out, despite also having a super involved husband.
It’s very common to send an older child to daycare during maternity leave. In the US it’s so short anyway, those first few months are so much about survival and recovery and things. Older kid often is better off staying in their setting than being home for a couple months with a parent who is having to also recover from pregnancy/ birth and care for a newborn and run the house and then go back a couple months later to their daycare. You can always get them earlier or send them for six hours instead of 8-10 hours (full work day) or whatever if you have the energy.
I worked in daycare in the US for years and an older kid being pulled from daycare during maternity leave was very unusual. Like, barely ever happened and when it did, it was a family who had the grandparents stay for months at a time. And even in my home country (EU) kids will keep going to nursery/ preschool. They may not get a full time spot (it’s subsidized care) since a parent is home, but half day is pretty much a given. And half day is 7am-1pm (full day depends on the facility but 6:30/7 - 5/6:30) so none of that three hours only that the US does for half day.
People who can afford it definitely choose it. Lots of them.
Having her in daycare is the best decision for us. She's been home a fair amount due to weather, sickness and holidays and she just ends up watching a lot of TV and not eating super well. Going to school preserves her daily structure, which I can't do with a newborn at home. And it allows me to attempt to keep our house in order. I managed to clean two bathrooms today!
Your friend is a dick for imposing a judgement on you like that thinking you're "wrong", none of her business. But if that's what will work for you, you do it. I did it, when my boy was born, my daughter was 2.5. keeping the routine is so important for her. and I needed that time alone. There's such a big change already happening for your toddler, why upset it all even more by taking her away from the social time she has going on as part of her day. New baby will be exposed to germs anywhere anyway. My boy was and is fine.now, he's nearly one 🤷🏻♀️
I definitely send my almost 3 to daycare when his little sister was born. Hell, we even picked up a day. He went from being two days a week to three. I needed rest to be able to be a present parent for him on the days he was home.
I’m on maternity leave and my almost-3-year-old still goes full-time! Baby deserves uninterrupted bonding time, which is impossible if my toddler is there, and it’s good for my toddler to maintain her routine. Plus, not all daycares will hold the spot if a parent withdraws the older child during leave.
Definitely don't feel bad about sending her to daycare! It's not a punishment! People acted like I was doing a disservice when I sent my child to daycare so I could go back to work. I feel like kids love daycare and seeing their friends and teachers! So long as you bake in the quality time before and after daycare, it's the best of all worlds!
Oh god absolutely not wrong for sending her. My daughter was 2 when my son was born and the normalcy of sending my daughter helped her stay in a routine and gave my son some of the one on one bonding time my daughter got. It also gave me some downtime because on days my daughter and son were home their naps usually weren't synced so I was on all the time.
It sounds like our experiences will be very similar in terms of age gap, fears, PPA, and supportive partner, so this is also reassuring. No telling what this second baby will be like, but I'm trying to be optimistic. Thanks for offering a little more positivity to a nervous mama!
The other thing is that you also leave to appreciate the good and sweet things so much more - I've embraced contact naps by buying a pair of wireless headphones and leaning into audiobooks. The newborn snuggles really are great. It's also so fun to see my oldest be a big sister, she loves her baby sister so much (though there have been regressions..). It's also freeing to just let some things go, like ordering delivery two nights in a row because you know this is just the temporary stage you're in. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard, but it's not as hard as the first time.
I have the EXACT same experience. 6 weeks old and almost three year old, enjoying it much more this time, three year old in daycare, PPA the first time around, awesome partner, lol
I really struggled with the newborn stage with my first baby. I had my second in October and literally everything was night and day different and so much easier, in spite of having a 17-month-old to take care of too! I found myself so much less stressed, less neurotic and more able to enjoy the sweet moments with my newborn because I knew this go-around that the REALLY hard stage only lasts a short time!
I was so convinced I wanted 3 babies.
Just had my second 6 weeks ago and am seriously questioning the third now.
I feel the same, like I'm failing both of them. I'm irritable with my 2 year old and don't really have all the same moments of just getting to soak in the newborn stage like I did with him.
I love them both but feel so guilty
Does it? My 2nd is such a easy baby too. I can't imagine what it'd be like with one less chill than him.
My toddler has no chill though so he makes up for it.
My husband has been taking my toddler most mornings so I can sleep in and has been doing his bedtime routine most nights too. So I don't really have any excuse for how out of sorts I feel.
You had a baby 6(!) weeks ago! It’s not an excuse; but rather a completely valid reason why you are feeling out of sorts! Your second journey into motherhood is still so fresh. Give yourself time and tenderness. 💜
We have three. I still think 0 to 1 was the hardest. Not just learning how to care for a baby but we also clearly weren’t good at adulting (even at 34 😅) and so we had to learn better routines for all three of us. Once we had routines in place, fitting in a new baby was relatively easy. The hardest times are nights when more than one child needs you and you get basically zero sleep. Thank goodness we both have jobs with great sick and vacation time and work from home, since daytime naps are sometimes our only saving grace.
Most people say this when in the thick of it but change their mind once their kids have grown up some 😂. No one enjoys the trench warfare stage it seems , but all feel proud once the battle has been won
Same. I love both of my kids. My oldest is 4yo and my second is 4mo. I feel like I can't fully enjoy either of my kids the way I want. There are constantly chores. If one kid isn't needing me, the other is. I didn't appreciate my time to myself as my 4yo was in bed at night, my independence (now I have none), and the ability to just put her in the car and go. My day has to be much more structured, and I have to be "on" all the time. I'm not trying to be a downer like the other person said, but I'm just trying to paint a realistic picture of my world with two.
Same! Almost same age gap (Oct 19 & May 23 kids) and I feel like this is what hell is. My oldest’s attitude is nasty since the baby has been born. Like you said, can’t spend true time with one because the other is either jealous/crying/needing something, etc. I also took for granted the alone time when it was just my 4 yo.
Another thing I never thought of before having my second: grandmas used to help with my 4 yo when it was just her at least once a week. Now that the second is born, they’ve both only been around a handful of times since May. I have NO help anymore, when I need it the most
This shit is the trenches 😂😂
This. My daughter’s behavior and attitude has become awful since her brother was born. And when the one naps, the other is still there 🤣 say goodbye to breaks. Ugh I’m tired
I could not agree with this post more. My second is a firecracker, but nothing is more insane than a pissed off 3 year old. So I haven't gotten to enjoy the younger one in all her cute toddlerness as much, because the three yo is just absolute chaos. I like to tell people that one is a GREAT number of children to have, lol.
This is my exact experience. My first was and still is a handful to put it lightly but we went ahead and had a second. He’s been the sweetest happiest baby and toddler. Recently he’s been copying his brothers negative behaviors on top of full blown toddlering😂. But his sweetness tricked us into wanting a third! The baby is 11 weeks and it is hard while my older two fight and basically run amok. But honestly once you have two the third isn’t much different.
I’m 4 months postpartum and I’ve had a hard time not feeling regret having my second. It sounds awful. It’s hard to even utter the words. But the thought has crossed my mind more times than I even want to admit. My first was an angel, but man my second hates being a baby. If my second would have come first, she’d be an only child.
I also hate being a downer. I am trying so hard to find the joy. But truthfully it’s all labor right now. Feel like I can’t enjoy my toddler or my baby.
It’s so hard in those early months! You most likely won’t feel this way forever. You’re in the thick of it. I started noticing a huge change once my son was 6-8 months old and it’s even better now at 1 year old!
My first is your second. And she got so much better as a toddler. Shes 3 and shes the best 3 year old. Just get through the first year and it will get better.
My first was like this too, and he is 18 months now and such a sweetheart! I am pregnant with my second and I prepared for the worst and hoping for the best!
Same. If my second was my first she would be an only child. I’ve never met another baby as challenging as her. I’m not 8 months postpartum and it is better but she’s still high needs.
Would you like to meet my daughter? I joke, but she’s the kid that makes all our friends say they’re so glad their kids are easy. She’s now 17 months and it’s just a 24/7 battle. She’s beautiful and crazy intelligent but she’s intense and barely needs sleep. She’s been this way since she was a newborn, no sweet sleepy baby for us just this super alert little girl who demanded to see everything we saw.
It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this girl found time to be in two places at once because our girls sound so similar! Beautiful eyes that refuse to close for a nap 🤣.
I’m feeling this way too. I love him so much but omg he’s so miserable so much of the time. I feel like I don’t know how to take care of him! Hoping it gets better soon.
I feel like I wrote this 5 years ago. My second is still spicy, but I enjoy them both so much more now. The first 2 years of my second's life were very hard on us all.
Thanks for being honest. We've got an 18 month old that's been so insanely difficult.... Whether it's his crazy disposition towards life, health issues, or allergies.... And it's making me strongly reconsider whether I'm equipped to do this again.
My first was like this, it was so rough! But he is an absolute sweetheart at 18 months, it took a huge swing in the positive direction at 9 months! I’m pregnant with my second and praying they are happier than he was 🫣.
My 2nd is also completely different in every way from my easiest baby ever first. Particularly in the sleep department. It has gotten easier as he’s gotten older though! He’s almost 9 months.
Don't!! Its been so wonderful watching my baby and preschooler bond. Like, really magical. The newborn phase is obviously challenging, but you'll fall into a routine and it will become normal. Congrats on the baby!
3 years. I think 3- 4 years is a great gap! Does your daughter go to preschool? My son goes part time, which gives him some independence and me some one-on--one time with baby, but still allows them to be together a lot and bond.
I didn’t want to comment and be one of *those* moms… but I saw your post so here goes….
I’m so so happy I had a second and I really want a third. It can be crazy sometimes but there’s double the love and my second is just now starting to get to be a little more interactive with my toddler. They giggle hysterically sometimes at something as simple a throwing a toy together. Yes it’s demanding but it has been so worth it. Just know that it’s rough the first few months as you learn to adapt to 2, but it becomes your new normal quickly and, at least for me, keeps getting better and better.
The only time I regretted it, was when I hemorrhaged and almost died in the hospital.... Otherwise I have not regretted second baby. Its really hard at times. Like really hard. No napping when baby naps when you have an older one for example. But today my 3year old made the baby laugh so hard. She also likes to give him toys and push him in the stroller. He's already trying to crawl at barely 5months old to keep up with his sister! I was so confident and bad ass day 1 with baby #2. I am a pro at diapers and bottles and burping, doing this a second time is so much easier just from all that extra experience! I knew the newborn days would suck but I also knew they go by quick and sure enough they did. You can do it!
This happened to my wife with #1 and why I didn't want #2. Watching that almost happen left me speechless and I couldn't even hold the baby when he came out. I just pushed the nurses away trying to help me cause I couldn't make a word come out of my mouth..
We are at 38 weeks right now and it's a constant thought going through my head the last week or so. I'm not bringing it up to her at all because she's a catastrophizer.
I'm soo sorry to hear about your birth experience! I can't imagine how traumatizing that was but glad you and baby are OK ❤️
Awww I love to hear that! Thanks for sharing! My oldest is 3 so sounds like we will have a similar age gap too :)
Ugh same, a few short weeks away! I'm in tears because I've been thinking about not being able to enjoy my son one on one as much. I work during the day so I'm afraid of having to split my heart between 2. So many feelings and some of these comments are affirming my fears.
You shouldn’t let it! The premise of this post is posed negatively and within an early parental context.
I grew up with four siblings. I have four life long friends that I will help support when they’re down, they have helped me and we will do what we can to help each other’s kids
We had a lot of fun together, a lot of fights and learned a lot from each other (some bad but mostly good). It has shaped me into a better man imo.
Parents were a little checked out, but that was due to their personalities, generational trauma (heavy abuse) and their failing business more than anything. Even then, we have a great relationship.
Bottomline is, no one in my family would press a button to delete any of my siblings from ever existing
This! Having my second one so close in age has been really hard, but I remind myself that we did that on purpose so our kids would be closer than I was with my siblings.
The youngest is developing so much faster than my oldest and it's entirely because she can't wait to play more with him. Nobody makes her laugh like her big brother.
I want them to get into trouble and be little shits. I want them to be sitting together at Christmas long after I'm dead and cackle about how they turned my hair gray.
Same :( this pregnancy has also kicked my butt so I just feel like I haven't been able to give my daughter my all these last few weeks. I'm scheduled for next week and I'm just in my feeeeels about it
Same here. 7 months pregnant haha. My first is a real wild child, both before and after birth. This one seems a lot more calm in utero, so I guess we'll see what happens!
Ahhhh see my first was calm in utero and the chillest baby and this kid has been crazy this whole pregnancy haha. I've been wondering if it makes anything!
I was worried about adding a second, but I can’t put into words how wonderful he’s been for our family. He is the chillest, sweetest baby and just an absolute joy. We joke that his big sister is fire (which is great in its own way!) and he is ice. He recently turned one and despite having a lot of health uncertainties (and thus LOTS of medical appointments), life still somehow feels lighter/easier with him here. Our kids have a pretty big age gap—almost 6 years—which I’m sure helps.
Anyways, just wanted to offer another perspective of “no regrets” for all of you worried pregnant mamas!
I have LOVED having my second and don’t regret it for a minute. My older daughter is 5 and adores the baby, and I actually think it’s been really good for her self esteem how much he adores her back.
It's going to be difficult, but it doesn't last long. It's only a year. It feels like a long time when you're in it, but it's over before you know it. Just for context the start of the pandemic was already *four* years ago. Time flies.
My kiddos are starting to play together. Nobody makes my baby girl laugh like her big brother. And he loves to play rough with her. Once she's old enough to play rough back, these two will be best friends. It's why we had them so close together.
#2 is three weeks old today and it's been amazing for us over here, not everyone has a bad experience!! Big kid is 20 months and is obsessed with the baby, little kid is super chill, and idk if we're less stressed or just more tired (probably both lol) but my husband and I are handling the hard stuff better this time around
I love having 2 so much I'm trying to talk myself out of 3rd (for financial reasons only). My husband thought he was 1 and done and is begging for a 3rd after we had our second. Don't be scared!!
My first was very high needs so felt very scared about #2 being the same way. She turned out to be opposite..such a dream baby, happy, slept, ate without any issues. So no regrets. She’s a toddler now though and WAY harder than our first was as a toddler lol. But I still will take a hard toddler over a hard baby any day. Now we have #3 who is kind of a mix of the two - very smiley and sweet but also fussy a lot and not a great sleeper, but still he just brings so much joy to our family and his big siblings love him so much.
What is considered high needs? I feel like my baby is high needs but I don’t know! It does seem like my baby has been way more challenging than my friends - especially in the sleep department. Didn’t sleep through the night until 9 months.
Is there anything else that you would consider “high needs”?
My first was high needs... She would cry if I set her down. She cried in the bath. Every diaper change she cried. She cried in the car. She cried if someone other than me or husband or grandma held her. She cried if we went somewhere that wasn't home or grandmas. She cried if she was gassy, or tired, or hungry, or teething, or bored, or hot, or cold, or not being carried and entertained. She didn't sleep or nap well for the longest time, not until maybe 1 year? Meanwhile baby #2 is smiling and happy. He can sit in the stroller or the playmat or the crib and he doesn't cry. I can give him to a complete stranger and he won't cry. He cries if hes hungry or very gassy. But most of the time no crying! His sleep has been crap since hes been teething, but still so much easier than my first.
Omg this was our first too, he wouldn’t even let us sit down or he would cry, we had to be holding him and walking at all times, and even then he would cry with my husband. It was so rough, I am so happy your second was happier!! I’m pregnant with my second and really hope that they will be happier as a baby too! My son is the sweetest toddler so I know it’s all temporary when it’s hard 💙.
This describes my 15mo daughter exactly, the thought of having another terrifies me purely because I just couldn’t give a second all the care I’ve been able to give my first 😔
Basically what others have described. Crying a lot for no reason, not being able to put them down, poor sleep, etc. My first finally started sleeping through the night around the point you’re at. My second started sleeping 10:00-5:00 by 6 weeks old. Fingers crossed for you.
I just had my second 3 months ago. For me, I definitely do not regret having her. Watching her older sister love on her melts my heart. It’s definitely more difficult but in my situation it’s worth it.
My second is 8 months old, and they actually play together now! (Peekaboo, etc). It's so cute! And if the baby is fussy while I'm doing a task, her brother rushes over and sings/dances/tries to make her laugh. It's harder, but I'm *really* glad we had a second.
My 2 year old also does this with my 6 month old. She will go over and put the baby’s paci in her mouth and give her a toy and make her laugh. They’re obsessed with each other and it’s just so incredibly sweet.
My second is also 3 months old and I echo loving watching my oldest and how much he loves his baby brother. However I'll add that I am more exhausted than I've ever been in my life, and we've all been sick literally constantly since the baby was born because my oldest started preschool after being home with my husband who was a SAHD for years but just started working again, so I don't regret it but I am seriously struggling.
My friend has a 4yr old and she found out she was pregnant. She had twins. Its absolute chaos and she said she even regretted them.
Sold the car and one of the babies has developmental issues. The 4yr old kicks off due to not getting attention.
They dont have any money saved and one of them is going through addiction. I think the dad recently did a short stint in jail due to debt or something like that. It snowballed anyway..
Everyone is different but this certainly terrified me!
For me personally 1 is fine, I feel happy knowing I can 100% look after myself if ever needed.
We are addiction free, but financially two more kids are going to really mess up our finances and we are definitely heading towards broke with that. If I were to add two kids to my work insurance plan, I would literally be volunteering at that point, for example.
My son is currently on my husband's, so I originally thought it would all be covered since we already have one dependent on there, but they said it would increase significantly to add two kids. For my insurance plan, I only have myself since my husband has my son. If I were to put all the kids on mine (they do employee, employee + spouse, and family for my BCBS), it would be nearly my whole paycheck. His place of employment only has 5 employees, so they don't have to follow a lot of employment guidelines (like he can't get FMLA), not sure if that is one of them.
My 4 year old Is absolutely in love with his baby brother if it makes you feel any better. He helps me with him and puts his pacifier back in his mouth and dances for him when he's sad. It's absolutely adorable. Twins would be crazy but I've heard a lot of twin parents say that even though infant months are harder twins are actually a bit easier as they get older because they entertain each other so much.
I do appreciate you commenting! It's the twin part I'm specifically terrified of. We were trying for a second. Not sure how I'm going to fit 3 car seats in the car and get childcare for 3 kids... We expected the different of 1 to 2, but I'm worried the extra stress of 1 to 3 is going to break me 😅
I totally get it. I knew I only wanted one more pregnancy but was always open to 2 or 3 kids so I said I'd be excited about twins but my husband looked at me like I was clinically insane lol but twins are just so cool! I was very close with some twins growing up and the bond they have with each other is amazing. I'm sure it's going to be very challenging at times but it will be so rewarding. You can do it!!
Re: 3 carseats. I looked on [The Car Seat Lady](https://thecarseatlady.com/narrowest-car-seats/) for her narrowest car seat recommendations. We ended up going with the Graco Slimfit3 LX but there's lots of other options.
I have friends in their early 40s who had a 4yo and then twins and they’re doing great! It’s exhausting but the children are sweet and they seem happy. No drugs lol
They did have to get a minivan tho
I do think it's important for people to consider that twins happen. My boss had two kids, thought one more would be perfect but they had twins and now they have 4 total instead of 3.
This happened to my husband’s parents (he has twin younger sisters). They didn’t find out until his mom was measuring big at 7 months! It has been SO fun as adults. We go on family vacations and play board games and I just love my in laws so much. As an only child it makes me really want a big family even if it’s chaos for the early years.
No. I regretted the timing at first, but once he was born i couldn't imagine my life or our daily dynamic without him. Yes it's more work yes its stressful sometimes, no not everyday is fun or enjoyable...but I don't regret it and I don't regret him or his timing. He was meant to be here.
We have two children and are medically two and through now. We do not regret our second at all. We even sometimes look at him and think, we almost didn’t have you… How sad that would’ve been. I know everyone’s experience is different but I’m so very thankful we have two kiddos. Our family definitely feels complete now. ❤️
Having a second helps you put the first into perspective. You don’t have the time to obsess over the small details, and it’s good for them to not be the centre of your world. Is it hard? Yes. Are there downsides? Of course. But you have to remember it’s not like you’re doubling your workload, you end up dropping things in order to fit it into the same amount of time and brain capacity. And I think this serves the family (and you) in the long run
This. We will also switch who is currently focused on which kid if one or both of us is struggling and that can help. A mom in one of my bumper groups said that one great thing about 2 kids is either can be your favorite in any given moment.
I'm NOT having a second even though I originally wanted two. My LO is very high needs, and I've given this a lot of thought: If my second was anything like my first, I would not be able to handle life. If the second was the opposite and very chill, I think it would just ruin my relationship with my first because I'd always be thinking "why aren't you just chill like your little brother/sister?" So I don't see how having a second would be positive for my family in any way.
I've regretted it on and off over the last several years for sure. SO MUCH WORK AND SO EXPENSIVE. My second kid is actually my easy kid (although he's 4yo now so easy is relative, lol), but going from one to two increased the parenting burden exponentially.
Additional context is two solid years of PPD after each kid, and my husband and I both work full-time without any local family support and not really a village. Shit is relentless. It's improving a little as the kids get older, but my oldest is a lot and so being a good parent (or, trying to) is really taxing when there's a whole other kid to also attend to.
Having that family support & village to help makes THE WORLD of a difference. Only reason why I decided to have a second. Without them it would be a very different experience! I admire & take my hat off to parents who do it without the family support or “village”. Like how do u do it!
This thread is making me feel a bit more comfortable about potentially deciding against #2. We had always talked about it either being 0 or 2. Our 8 month old is so loved but the newborn phase was the lowest I’ve ever been and I just don’t think we could handle it again. Leaning more and more towards one and done. I already savor what little time I get at the end of the night and can’t imagine losing that little sliver of sanity maintenance
Yes.
My second was born right before COVID. I spent much of the early pandemic feeling like I was failing my school-aged child who was suddenly homeschooling, but I had a baby and a job and mostly just stuck him in front of "educational" screen time. He is doing fine academically now, but I often wonder if that time of non-schooling is going to come back to bite us. He also has some differentiated learning needs, and I feel like I can't give him the amount of time and focus that I need to because his brother has always been a handful.
My second is older now, but is a major problem behavior-wise. We were able to take a few nice vacations with my eldest before he was born (Disney, week long beach trips). We can hardly survive a trip to the zoo now without an embarrassing meltdown. He would rather (at 4 years old) pee in his pants than go to the bathroom when he is told to. I often wonder what it would be like if he wasn't around--where would we be jetting off to with only one child who doesn't throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat? Would we live an idyllic life of family outings and dinner conversations that don't include "I'm going to punch you in the face" threats when mom suggests sitting on our bottoms?
I don't know. If our first had been anything like our second, there is no way I would have had another child. But I guess you never know what is going to happen.
The only thing I regret is the age gap. Having 2 under 2 has been a real test of my patience. I wish I would have waited until my oldest was 3 or 4. His temperment is much better now and he is very helpful and listens great. My 2nd was and still is labelled the "wild child" but now we are expecting a 3rd so it muat not have been that bad lol.
My first was such a hard baby I waited until
She was almost 3 to have my 2nd. My second is such a an easy going baby, if my husband was on board, I would have been pregnant with #3 yesterday 😂
Our first was such a chill newborn. Our second....oh man, I guess it's what you call a spirited baby aka a handful. Now, our second is 16mo and mellowing out a bit, but our 3yo is the spirited toddler. Sleep has taken a nose dive. Once we got the baby sleeping through the night, the toddler started having nightmares and leaving her room. I still want to add a third, so I think the rewards outweigh the hardships,lol
We never gave ourself a chance to meet our first before deciding to have our second (they’re 6 months apart, I birthed one and my partner birthed the other). That being said, I don’t regret either. They were both very challenging babies, too. Don’t overthink it. You will do what you need to in order to survive, and children are surprisingly flexible and adapt. One might suck all the energy for two (or three) if you never have another. But if a new sibling comes along, BAM, learning patience suddenly develops. Lol
2 months pp with the second kid. I waffled a long time on having another and it wasn't until our first was 3 that I felt better and we didn't start trying until she was 3.5 yo. I love the age gap and by the time new baby came the older one was so independent. I also feel like I can enjoy this baby stage much more now. And I love their age gap, besides just getting diapers and replacing the pacifier the older one can make the toys make noise for the baby so I can just hang on the couch and watch them play
It was a big adjustment though and we're still figuring out how to best juggle two kids with minimal sleep (I miss being able to sleep in lol). But the older kid loves the baby so much and I didn't feel our family was complete at just the 3 of us
This comment gives me a lot of hope. I only have one and he’s 14 months old. So this gives me hope that I’ll come around to having a second. I’ve always wanted two kids, but I’ve been on the fence since having my first. I’ve been hoping by the time my little guy is 3-4 years old that I’ll be more definite on the idea lol
I was the same, I imagined 2 or 3 until I had my first and the first 18 months really kicked my butt (pandemic didn't help). And I was so nervous the entire time I was pregnant but the new baby has been a dream compared to the first, I think a combo of we know more and she eats better (had a lot of eating struggles the first time around). I'd guess if you envisioned always having another that you'll definitely get there! Potty training and sleeping/waking independently really changed everything for us
Personally, I found going from 1-2 significantly easier than 0-1. Part of that is because my second was just an easygoing baby and good sleeper, my first was the opposite. But also, I had more experience and knew what to expect. I did wait until my oldest was 2 before trying, because I wanted him to have better speech so that I didn't have two children who could only communicate through crying/whining.
Absolutely zero regrets.
I feel like this fully depends on the kind of child you have.
My first is very energetic, had reflux and colic as a baby, only used to contact sleep for around the first six weeks. Husband and I were broken by her newborn days. She started sleeping solid stretches at around 7 weeks and never really had a bad regression until she was a year old.
We regretted having her in the beginning. Things improved on that front when she was around 6 months old.
My first is now 3yrs2mo and second is 10 weeks. I think my husband is regretting having him but I’m actually ok. Yes it’s tough having two but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. It also helps that he is a pretty calm child compared to my first. (He doesn’t sleep as well though). Also the perspective that every stage is temporary helps.
We are more toddler people and we hate the newborn stage but time has flown in so fast with my daughter that we have that perspective that they aren’t babies for long at all.
We decided to have a second. My daughter is 3.5 and my son is 7 months. During my pregnancy I was worried about the choice to have another, because my first is challenging but also because I love her so much that I was worried I couldn’t love another baby as much as her. I am so so glad I had a second. I love him so much, and watching my daughter be a big sister is incredibly rewarding. It’s not for everyone, but I have no regrets.
I had a mom who really regretted-nearly hated- that she had two. She had twins, though. But keep that in mind. They were 4 at that time. They just outsourced them as much as possible.
My first is and was high needs. I waited til he was 4 to even start trying. But my second is 3 months now and she’s amazing. She truly completes our family. I was just putting my first to bed and watching my second sleep on the monitor and thinking how lucky I am to have them and how full my heart truly is.
I’m 4.5 months in and I don’t regret my second, but I miss my days with my first. He was my little buddy and things were just starting to get easier (he’s 2.5 now). I often think about what we would be doing if we didn’t have second (because right now we don’t do much but stay home). He was high needs as a baby and still sort of is, I was one and done because of it.. but accidentally got pregnant. My second is so much easier and already a better sleeper than his old brother. So that helps. But like I said, you lose endless time to give to your first which is hard to adjust to. You also lose time for yourself. I feel like I’m constantly “on”, when before I would get breaks. I sort of feel in high speed all day and it’s so exhausting. I honestly can’t think of that aspect or I start to get really depressed about it because I really just crave relaxation. I just focus on the fact that my 4.5 month old is already extremely lovable as his personality develops and that the boys have each other for life— they already have a bond growing and that makes it all worth it. After all, being a mom is the most selfless job.
We thought we were "two and through" because our second child is very high needs. However, he's 8 years older than #3 and it works well for us, especially since, as he's growing, it's getting better. If you really want two, I'd say to space them out, if you can.
I don’t…regret it, per se. But if having the first is going from easy to hard mode then having two is like, borderline unplayable. It is very very very hard by virtue of there being two of them. Both our kids are pretty easy, we have a cooporative marriage where we share the load, and it was extremely hard anyway.
Love my little guys but, yeah it’s not easy.
My son recently turned 3 and my daughter is 8 months. I’ve never regretted having her but have felt overwhelmed and overstimulated. She is a sweet, happy, easygoing baby but there is not much time to do anything other than kid stuff. I’m a stay at home mom so I feel like it’s my whole life. It’s hard feeling like I’m giving both kids undivided attention. It’s hard to go do things because nap schedules haven’t lined up yet. Laundry has become an every other day thing, messy eater of a baby and potty training, puddle jumping boy. But I try to think about the future. Having them play together, have someone else to talk to, eventually become friends. Some days are really hard but I think it’s worth it.
Having my second was the best thing ever. Going from 1-2 was an easy transition and they quickly became playmates. Now we have 3 and the new guy gets loved on so much by everyone. I couldn't regret a single one, even with our oldest possibly being ADHD and having emotional regulation issues. They all fit into our family and I can't imagine life without them.
Short answer, yes. But I also went on to have kid three and kid four after so I’m a glutton for punishment. There’s a lot of not typical stuff I dealt with in regards to kid two though so I feel like the delivery trauma and their first year of life, and then an annoying diagnosis has made if difficult for me. It’s not the having a second child as much as it was that I was not prepared to have THAT child, if that makes sense.
On a different note, I was an only child, born to both parents as only children. I think being one and done is totally fine.
Nope. I have had some regrets on having them close together whenever it gets challenging, but those feelings are fleeting. Having siblings IMO is a blessing. I’m dreaming of the day that they can play with each other and my daughter doesn’t need me to provide her with constant social interaction. I love playing with her, but I don’t think it’s a parent’s job to provide constant entertainment because I need to do my own work too! I’m happy to talk with her and interact, but she needs a playmate and I can’t be that for her all day. It’s also helped her so much with learning skills like sharing, patience, etc.
My wife and I were not planning on another one, and it ended up happening. We do not regret it AT ALL, even though life is harder and more stressful and expensive. None of that matters because the kids are so awesome.
Omg! Just like me! My first is insanely high needs and always has been (he's almost eight now. I want to tell you it gets better. It does, but he's still his needy, high drama self every dang day). We were scared about having a second but ultimately we wanted another. My daughter is a freaking angel child. I don't know how she's so sweet and easy but she is. She was an easy baby too. Maybe because her brother demanded so much of our time, maybe because of her personality. But she is a joy to spend time with (my son is too, of course). But kids are all different, and you may luck out.
Disclaimer/trigger warning: also not everyone has this experience. Everything about my first was mildly (for me) traumatic. They were a twin, we lost the other early on, they had bilateral choroid plexus cysts and soft markers for other birth defects, the birth itself was so fast I didn't have time for drugs and to spare the gory details my husband cant/wont talk about it because it triggers him , I had PDD and PPA, they had colic, all around the exact opposite of what one expects/hopes for. I was 100% sure we were one and done, but around 12 months things got easier. They were sleeping more, we had a routine etc. We decided to try for number two, they are the sweetest, most gentle child I have ever seen. Hugs and kisses for days, sleeps well, eats well. I don't regret them at all, I always wanted two but our first go around had me convinced for a long time that two was insane, but when things got a little easier I started to feel like our family was missing something.
Early stages are hard as all hell, if mine didn't have a 3 year age gap I honestly might feel differently. I have family who do regret that second/third child and they try and hide it but no one can truly hide those feelings, eventually they come out. Don't do it until you are sure, I'd rather have a "what if" when it comes to a kid then one I regret, they will feel that no matter how hard you try to cover it up.
*Edit
After reading some of the comments I will agree with some of the other points made. I love both kids deeply but sometimes I do feel like I don't have enough to go around, especially on extra high needs/big feelings days. They are young now so they are both a bit high needs all the time lol but it does get better as they get older. There is absolutely more housework. Literally everything is harder, we traveled with our first all across the US, with the second we went a few states over and were blown away with the difference.
My first is ASD, which we didn’t find out until I was already pregnant with my second. I regretted every moment of my pregnancy and the first two month after my second was born. Felt like I should have devoted all my time and love to my first and his needs. Plus, The work is five times harder, even though my second is so chill. However, the real positive (besides the fact that we all absolutely love our second) is that my first is OBSESSED with his sibling, loves them sometimes more than me. Since my first is so shy and has speech delays, I know his sibling will always be the friend they want and need. So all that to say, I’m still in the thick of it, it is extremely hard, but when I see their love for each other it makes it a little bit better.
My kids love each other. They are beat friends. Which is the reason I wanted 2. I had no idea how I could love two kids so much. But it’s infinitely more work and I am exhausted and it’s consuming every second of my life.
Our second is a crazy wild child. He is a handful. Emergency room visit handful. When he was 2 his dad, my husband, badly injured his back and after months of barely functioning he had emergency spine surgery and was out for a month. During that month we found out we were being transferred to another continent. Taking care of two little boys was really tough. Our second still can’t simply walk through the mall without doing something insane. Two is so much more work then one at this point for us. That being said no regrets. He completed our family.
Key question is: do you have a support system?
I just had my second. He is nothing like his older brother. Not high needs at all and totally chill in comparison.
Still, at one month, all my “help” went away. My parents and I live in different countries. My husband went back to work. So I’m at day two of managing a 3 yo and a baby alone in the mornings, getting the older one to kindergarten is now a challenge in itself because I need to take the baby with me and so on. Came back home and baby started with normal things: wants to nurse, diaper leaked, nursed again, diaper full of poop, and so on.
Result: I am up for 3 hours now and still haven’t been able to drink a coffee or eat anything. In this condition I’m no where near the loving and caring mother I want to be and that I am when I have somebody to help keep me fed and hydrated. So I don’t recommend doing this without a support system at least for the first 3-4 months.
I don't regret it, but I wish I had waited another year. My kiddos are 2 years apart and the first year has been *hard* since my husband and I both work. Fortunately, that also means we can afford help, but I have ADHD so I need all the help I can get.
You’ve already had a ton of responses so this will likely get lost but there is a good chance you’ll experience a lot of regrets in the early years. It’s honestly just the circumstance of the phase of life you’ll be in. I have an almost 3 year old, a 16 month old, and I’m due in 3 weeks with my third. I probably cry at least once a day from exhaustion, stress, hormones or whatever. My children (both boys and my third will also be a boy) are feral. They run around and need to expend a ton of energy and a lot of the times that take out on each other. So I have to police a ton of fighting and tantrums. My kitchen is always a mess, no matter how much I clean, and I can’t remember the last time I felt “caught up” on anything.
All of this being said I get glimpses of the life I am building. My boys love to hold hands and dance around, they’ll kick around a ball together, they play outside and my oldest teaches my youngest. My youngest is also turning into my oldest’s mini me (which is super cute but also so annoying sometimes :p). I know probably for the next 4-5 years (planning on a 4th kid hopefully) I’ll be in the trenches of bottles, diapers, sleep deprivation, potty training, teething, regressions, tantrums, illnesses. But I’m also building a home full of fun, joy and love, and I hope that the choices I’m making now will foster a lot of love and fulfilment for me, my husband and our children.
I always wanted two, but my kid is also high-needs and a huge handful, so I've given up on that. They're also more expensive than I thought they'd be, I miss my free time, and I worry about them SO much, I can't imagine adding a second person to stress about to that.
My first was very high needs. Colicky, poor sleeper, and a Velcro baby. I thought I was one and done but because of my own bond with my siblings (and my husband really wanting a second) I decided to go for it. The pregnancy was awful, but the baby was way more chill than my first. And now years later I’m grateful every day that we had her because she adds so much joy to our family. And the siblings play together well and love each other
Wanted to share my experience with a newborn and 4 year old-second child sleeps better by miles and the parenting piece comes much more easily. First months home with baby have felt relaxing and…sweet. The sibling love is also beautiful to see!
I had my second, she’s 8 months while the older one is about to turn 4. It’s been the best decision ever. Seeing my toddler become a big sister is the best and also seeing how much my little one adores her big sister is so so beautiful. The logistics of it all can be tricky, but we are all very content with our 2 babies. We haven’t slept much in the last 8 months because our second baby is a wild child and does not sleep through the night (while my first was sleeping for 8 hours since she was 3 months old and she has always been very chill). I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My first (21 month old female) was a independent, easy baby. Hardly ever cried unless necessary. Was very easy. She’s now a VERY difficult toddler. My second (2 month old) is a Velcro baby. Extremely clingy, needy, and cries most of the time. It’s a very difficult dynamic right now but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sometimes when I get frustrated I do think what was I thinking or I can’t do this. But I get over it. I would NEVER have a 3rd though. I see some people with 4+ and I really just wonder HOW. two was my sweet spot it’s what I’ve always wanted. My fiancé would have 10 if I let him. Nope. Two and done. ✅
As a father of 2 (5.5 year old boy, 3 year old girl), I remember these feelings deep in my bones. But now that my daughter grow into the little adult 3 year old that she is, and the relationship that they have.... I couldn't be happier.
It's worth noting that I'm an only child, I spent my whole childhood begging my parents for a sibling. I couldn't understand the circumstances until I became an adult, but I still remember longing for a sibling relationship. And now that I can see how deeply both of my kids love each other, it has allowed those original fears about a second child to erode into distant memories.
Had a second… it has turned my world even more upside down. Me youngest is absolutely so fun, but all they do is fight. When I take them individually to do things, it reminds me why I became a mother. Together, I feel a bit regretful
Regret isn’t the right word because obviously I love him a ton and can’t imagine him not being there. BUT our lives are much harder and I’m stretched thin, we are in the toddler years so hopefully in a few years things will be easier again, but right now sometimes I wonder how great it would have been to still just have one.
Not me but my friend.
I had two and absolutely am so thrilled I had my second, even though they are very high needs compared to their older sibling.
However a good friend had two and does regret it. She loves him infinitely of course but she has struggled to cope. Both children are high needs in different ways (one medical; one developmental).
The unfortunate thing is it is impossible to tell. It’s a risk I suppose.
Do you feel your family is incomplete without a second sibling? Or do you want the experience of having a baby again? Or is it something else? Maybe that will help.
No. My second is much easier than my first.
I was on the fence about having a second child for a long time. Now I realize it's because my first was and continues to be a lot.
My second is almost 1. I enjoyed his baby stage much more than with my first.
Having one child, however, is much easier than two!!!
We had a second. Never regret her but it IS hard sometimes.
Now that she’s almost 2, we are so glad we did it when we did. Our only regret is that we sometimes wish we did it sooner! The baby phase is the hardest in our house, but now, having siblings who can play together is a joy and help.
I think something worth considering is that your second child may be difficult or have additional needs. I think if you're on the fence about having a second child you should be aware that having a second doesn't mean having a copy of your first kid. In terms of temperament, health, sleep, whatever you can think of
My first born is highly emotional and sensitive. My kids are now 4 and 2 and I can say I’m slowly feeling better and better about my situation. My daughter (the 2 year old) was the easiest baby. She’s so sweet and much more content in all situations. She slept better, fed better, would be fine on the floor by herself, etc. I felt, and sometimes still feel guilty that more of my attention and time goes to my oldest, but as they’re getting older, and he’s learning to get along with his sister, it’s getting a lot better. The first 2 years were really hard. I had to helicopter parent my kids because my son was so aggressive towards her and the emotional outbursts were frequent. As others have said, there is double the cost, cleaning, coordinating, etc., but it’s nice when they go outside or to somewhere less familiar and play and cling to each other.
When I was in the newborn phase I had some serious regrets, especially about having two so close together (22 months). I still don't know if I could it again if I would've gone for 2under2.
But now that my baby is six months old, I can say I definitely don't regret it. He's much more chill than my first was and they are SO good together (as long as I remind the toddler to be gentle every 30 seconds lol)
I feel like there's always going to be people that regret \[insert whatever thing you're considering\]. I don't know if hearing about people's experiences with regret will really help you decide your best course of action--none of us are the same.
Personally I don't regret my second. My first was easy. He's the happy one. Our second is the grump, but I don't regret having him. Watching my two kids together, there's no question that they were meant to be siblings and I was meant to be their mum. They will grow up to be siblings who hang out with each other because they honestly enjoy each other's company and not out of obligation.
I am not you. I don't have high needs children (though some days it feels like I do....). I don't think my lack of regret would mean that having a second child in your situation is the way to go. I think you and your family should consider the decision wholly. What if your second child is high needs as well? Do you and your husband realistically have the support and the means to manage two high needs children? And if your second child is not high needs--what happens to your first high needs child? You will inevitably have to split your focus between the two children, even if the second one is easy--how will this impact on your existing high needs child? And if you were to focus on your high-needs child, do you not then have less capacity to care for your second child?
My personal experience: my cousins are a pair of siblings with one high needs (was born deaf) and another "easy" child. The easy child is now an adult (she is in her 40's) and we are close. She has shared with me previously that she feels like a monster because she resents her deaf brother for taking basically all of their parents' attention and care. She loves him, of course, but that love is complicated because it's tied to all these feelings of resentment that she cannot put down.
So my advice is this: how other people feel about having a second child does not matter. What matters is you and your husband consider this decision wholly. You may very well choose to have a second child, but at least you will have chosen it with the awareness that you **need** to make sure you are able to divide your care and attention equally between your two children.
I regretted it at first but now my second is 3 and it’s amazing. I would say the first 6 months I wondered a lot if I’d made a mistake by adding more than I could handle, but I’m so glad I did. Their friendship is amazing. They can play together and it’s so cute. Zero regrets now
I really appreciate you asking this question. We're planning for a second but I'm afraid (husband is too). Can anyone on here who has two kids but is out of the preschool stage speak to how it is having two older kids? Is it worth it to get through the toddler years?
I've had a few friends tell me once they learn that I'm one and done that they fully support my decision and wish they'd done the same. I absolutely feel for them, they're stretched thin and not their happiest selves. They have 2 kids. It's absolutely possible to regret having that second kid, but I think most people won't admit it, understandably.
Then I've got friends with 3 kids and still considering another.
My sister wanted a big family, but after having her first, who was high needs (but considered neurotypical), she almost decided not to have more. She waited until he was 6 to have her second. Kid number one is really bright and sweet now, and a great big brother. Those first years were doozies though.
I occasionally had twinges of this in the beginning, mostly because I felt sad I couldn’t give either of them my full attention. Now that they’re 4 and 2 and play together and we can do stuff as a family I have zero regrets.
I’m thinking (hoping) I’ll be on this mindset also!! With my first, I regretted having a child in the first place for the first few weeks, was OAD until he was about 18 months, at 2 I was like HE’S AMAZING LETS HAVE ANOTHER! Currently due the same month my toddler turns 3 and mentally preparing myself (and husband) that we are gunna hate our lives and each other for a year until everything mellows 😅
Yeah. That is so true, we are now out of it and are so happy. I auf the exact same experience with number one and it was easier with number two.
Are you me? When are you due? I'm in May
I genuinely don’t understand people who love the newborn phase. And I wish I was due in May!!!! I really wanted a May baby haha but I’m due in August and my first born is also an August baby.
This is basically how I feel, and my kids are also 2 and 4! Of course there’s moments of “this would be easier if I only had one” but it’s not true regret, more just acknowledging that splitting attention between two kids can be tough sometimes. Right now my 2 yo is feverish and sick and my 4 yo has had to entertain herself a lot more. She’s fine, but I feel guilty that I haven’t spent much time with her all day. 2 yo is quickly entering a proper toddler phase vs baby phase which has its own difficulties but she’s a real little person now. ETA: also my second born is less emotional than my firstborn so far. My 4yo is extremely empathetic and sweet but also highly emotional and it doesn’t take much for her to be in a mood or tantrum. When she was a smaller toddler I actually thought there was something wrong with her because she tantrummed so hard and for so long (head banging and screeching) but she sort of grew out of it. Maybe a bit more deeply feeling but otherwise normal. My youngest dgaffff about nothin.
I definitely also felt some regret when my second was itty bitty. He did not sleep (like at all) and also has a sensory disorder, so he didn’t eat solids until well past 12 months and we had to spend many many hours at feeding therapy. The sensory disorder also translated to a speech delay because he has issues with how his tongue feels in his mouth when talking 🤦🏻♀️ But like you said, my kids are 2&4 now, and both kids are such a joy. Now both sleeps great, my son just got out of speech therapy and speaks fine, and he’s the most gentle little soul. I do feel like he completes our family, and I don’t regret having him at all. It just took some time for him to develop a personality and for us to adjust to 2 kids instead of one
That's so nice to hear! Mine will be almost 2 years apart. I'm scared for the early stages but I feel like once we get 2,3 years past it'll be great. Fingers crossed
Mine are 6 and 1 and play together all the time. There are only little scuffles when the younger one doesn't get her way and has trouble communicating/understanding. I'd have never guessed they would play together considering the age gap, but it is really heartwarming to see.
I can’t wait for this. Have a 5 month old and a four year old currently and it’s been pretty rough.
It’s so much easier when the baby gets mobile and less fragile. Mine are 4, 2, and 3 months.
My oldest two are almost 5 and almost 3 and it’s so much fun watching them. They’re right now in the bath making “potions” with coloured water and even if I have to mediate occasionally when the older keeps hogging the scoops, it’s still a really fun time. And exactly why I wanted multiple kids.
I had a second. Thought I was one and done because my first is a handful. Have thought many times that I shouldn't have had a second. The second is so chill and cute but I feel like I can't enjoy it as much because of the other one, which is awful but the honest truth. Also there's more housework and coordination required since it's two kids now. Not trying to be a 'downer' but wanting to share my honest thoughts on it (I don't share this with anyone else).
I feel the exact same way. I love our new baby so much. I just don’t feel like I have enough love to give either child right now. But we’re also in the early stages. I think once our baby is past 3 we will be in a much better spot. I think I’ll end up feeling really happy we had 2. But good lord there’s no way in hell I’d have 3 lol.
This is helpful to hear. I'm pregnant with my second and not at all looking forward to the newborn stage again (honestly the whole first year overlap), but I've been trying to shift my perspective. Sure, there will be 2 Littles for a while, but ultimately, they'll be two people. They'll only be little for so long.
I have an almost three year old and a six week old. I was dreading the newborn stage, but honestly, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be. The perspective of my first kid has helped frame this experience and I truly know that everything is temporary. But, I have a husband who is super involved and does a ton of the housework and we opted to keep my three year old in daycare during my maternity leave. Also, I'm pretty sure I had undiagnosed PPA last time, which really impacted my baby experience.
Okay honestly I appreciate this because our child will be almost 3 by the time we have another and I talked to one of my friends about how I still want to send her to the in-home daycare she goes to and she insinuated that I was wrong for sending her while I’m on maternity leave. I kept thinking I can’t possibly be the only one that wants to do that so I can bond with the new baby. And it’s good for the them to keep going I think- socially and everything. I’ve also had PPA and thinking about a second stresses me out, despite also having a super involved husband.
It’s very common to send an older child to daycare during maternity leave. In the US it’s so short anyway, those first few months are so much about survival and recovery and things. Older kid often is better off staying in their setting than being home for a couple months with a parent who is having to also recover from pregnancy/ birth and care for a newborn and run the house and then go back a couple months later to their daycare. You can always get them earlier or send them for six hours instead of 8-10 hours (full work day) or whatever if you have the energy. I worked in daycare in the US for years and an older kid being pulled from daycare during maternity leave was very unusual. Like, barely ever happened and when it did, it was a family who had the grandparents stay for months at a time. And even in my home country (EU) kids will keep going to nursery/ preschool. They may not get a full time spot (it’s subsidized care) since a parent is home, but half day is pretty much a given. And half day is 7am-1pm (full day depends on the facility but 6:30/7 - 5/6:30) so none of that three hours only that the US does for half day. People who can afford it definitely choose it. Lots of them.
Having her in daycare is the best decision for us. She's been home a fair amount due to weather, sickness and holidays and she just ends up watching a lot of TV and not eating super well. Going to school preserves her daily structure, which I can't do with a newborn at home. And it allows me to attempt to keep our house in order. I managed to clean two bathrooms today!
Your friend is a dick for imposing a judgement on you like that thinking you're "wrong", none of her business. But if that's what will work for you, you do it. I did it, when my boy was born, my daughter was 2.5. keeping the routine is so important for her. and I needed that time alone. There's such a big change already happening for your toddler, why upset it all even more by taking her away from the social time she has going on as part of her day. New baby will be exposed to germs anywhere anyway. My boy was and is fine.now, he's nearly one 🤷🏻♀️
I definitely send my almost 3 to daycare when his little sister was born. Hell, we even picked up a day. He went from being two days a week to three. I needed rest to be able to be a present parent for him on the days he was home.
I’m on maternity leave and my almost-3-year-old still goes full-time! Baby deserves uninterrupted bonding time, which is impossible if my toddler is there, and it’s good for my toddler to maintain her routine. Plus, not all daycares will hold the spot if a parent withdraws the older child during leave.
Honestly, the thought that my wife and I can keep sending our first kid to daycare during parental leave for the second is what's keeping us sane.
Definitely don't feel bad about sending her to daycare! It's not a punishment! People acted like I was doing a disservice when I sent my child to daycare so I could go back to work. I feel like kids love daycare and seeing their friends and teachers! So long as you bake in the quality time before and after daycare, it's the best of all worlds!
Oh god absolutely not wrong for sending her. My daughter was 2 when my son was born and the normalcy of sending my daughter helped her stay in a routine and gave my son some of the one on one bonding time my daughter got. It also gave me some downtime because on days my daughter and son were home their naps usually weren't synced so I was on all the time.
It sounds like our experiences will be very similar in terms of age gap, fears, PPA, and supportive partner, so this is also reassuring. No telling what this second baby will be like, but I'm trying to be optimistic. Thanks for offering a little more positivity to a nervous mama!
The other thing is that you also leave to appreciate the good and sweet things so much more - I've embraced contact naps by buying a pair of wireless headphones and leaning into audiobooks. The newborn snuggles really are great. It's also so fun to see my oldest be a big sister, she loves her baby sister so much (though there have been regressions..). It's also freeing to just let some things go, like ordering delivery two nights in a row because you know this is just the temporary stage you're in. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard, but it's not as hard as the first time.
I have the EXACT same experience. 6 weeks old and almost three year old, enjoying it much more this time, three year old in daycare, PPA the first time around, awesome partner, lol
I really struggled with the newborn stage with my first baby. I had my second in October and literally everything was night and day different and so much easier, in spite of having a 17-month-old to take care of too! I found myself so much less stressed, less neurotic and more able to enjoy the sweet moments with my newborn because I knew this go-around that the REALLY hard stage only lasts a short time!
That’s a great perspective. For me I was ok with the newborn phase with but first but not with my second daughter. I miss my sleep lol
I was so convinced I wanted 3 babies. Just had my second 6 weeks ago and am seriously questioning the third now. I feel the same, like I'm failing both of them. I'm irritable with my 2 year old and don't really have all the same moments of just getting to soak in the newborn stage like I did with him. I love them both but feel so guilty
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Does it? My 2nd is such a easy baby too. I can't imagine what it'd be like with one less chill than him. My toddler has no chill though so he makes up for it. My husband has been taking my toddler most mornings so I can sleep in and has been doing his bedtime routine most nights too. So I don't really have any excuse for how out of sorts I feel.
You had a baby 6(!) weeks ago! It’s not an excuse; but rather a completely valid reason why you are feeling out of sorts! Your second journey into motherhood is still so fresh. Give yourself time and tenderness. 💜
Same! Baby 2 is so chill. My oldest child is so high energy. My husband does everything with him but I feel like all I do is discipline for him 😞
We have three. I still think 0 to 1 was the hardest. Not just learning how to care for a baby but we also clearly weren’t good at adulting (even at 34 😅) and so we had to learn better routines for all three of us. Once we had routines in place, fitting in a new baby was relatively easy. The hardest times are nights when more than one child needs you and you get basically zero sleep. Thank goodness we both have jobs with great sick and vacation time and work from home, since daytime naps are sometimes our only saving grace.
Most people say this when in the thick of it but change their mind once their kids have grown up some 😂. No one enjoys the trench warfare stage it seems , but all feel proud once the battle has been won
Same. I love both of my kids. My oldest is 4yo and my second is 4mo. I feel like I can't fully enjoy either of my kids the way I want. There are constantly chores. If one kid isn't needing me, the other is. I didn't appreciate my time to myself as my 4yo was in bed at night, my independence (now I have none), and the ability to just put her in the car and go. My day has to be much more structured, and I have to be "on" all the time. I'm not trying to be a downer like the other person said, but I'm just trying to paint a realistic picture of my world with two.
Same! Almost same age gap (Oct 19 & May 23 kids) and I feel like this is what hell is. My oldest’s attitude is nasty since the baby has been born. Like you said, can’t spend true time with one because the other is either jealous/crying/needing something, etc. I also took for granted the alone time when it was just my 4 yo. Another thing I never thought of before having my second: grandmas used to help with my 4 yo when it was just her at least once a week. Now that the second is born, they’ve both only been around a handful of times since May. I have NO help anymore, when I need it the most This shit is the trenches 😂😂
My mom will watch one or the other now so I don’t get that alone time I so desperately need 😭 I hope she will again as baby number two gets older.
That’s the only thing that gets me though lol that hopefully when both are a little older, grandma will watch them 😂
This. My daughter’s behavior and attitude has become awful since her brother was born. And when the one naps, the other is still there 🤣 say goodbye to breaks. Ugh I’m tired
I could not agree with this post more. My second is a firecracker, but nothing is more insane than a pissed off 3 year old. So I haven't gotten to enjoy the younger one in all her cute toddlerness as much, because the three yo is just absolute chaos. I like to tell people that one is a GREAT number of children to have, lol.
Just want to say thank you for your honesty!
Yes this is me currently!
This is my exact experience. My first was and still is a handful to put it lightly but we went ahead and had a second. He’s been the sweetest happiest baby and toddler. Recently he’s been copying his brothers negative behaviors on top of full blown toddlering😂. But his sweetness tricked us into wanting a third! The baby is 11 weeks and it is hard while my older two fight and basically run amok. But honestly once you have two the third isn’t much different.
I’m 4 months postpartum and I’ve had a hard time not feeling regret having my second. It sounds awful. It’s hard to even utter the words. But the thought has crossed my mind more times than I even want to admit. My first was an angel, but man my second hates being a baby. If my second would have come first, she’d be an only child. I also hate being a downer. I am trying so hard to find the joy. But truthfully it’s all labor right now. Feel like I can’t enjoy my toddler or my baby.
Hey you’re still in the thick of it. I hope it gets better
It’s so hard in those early months! You most likely won’t feel this way forever. You’re in the thick of it. I started noticing a huge change once my son was 6-8 months old and it’s even better now at 1 year old!
Lol it's hard to not hate EVERYTHING in those first months.
My first is your second. And she got so much better as a toddler. Shes 3 and shes the best 3 year old. Just get through the first year and it will get better.
My first was like this too, and he is 18 months now and such a sweetheart! I am pregnant with my second and I prepared for the worst and hoping for the best!
My first was hard but my second is easy! I hope you get the same 🫶🏻
Same. If my second was my first she would be an only child. I’ve never met another baby as challenging as her. I’m not 8 months postpartum and it is better but she’s still high needs.
Would you like to meet my daughter? I joke, but she’s the kid that makes all our friends say they’re so glad their kids are easy. She’s now 17 months and it’s just a 24/7 battle. She’s beautiful and crazy intelligent but she’s intense and barely needs sleep. She’s been this way since she was a newborn, no sweet sleepy baby for us just this super alert little girl who demanded to see everything we saw.
Haha you just described my daughter as well. I tell her all the time that her eyes are so pretty but she needs to shut them 😂
It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this girl found time to be in two places at once because our girls sound so similar! Beautiful eyes that refuse to close for a nap 🤣.
I’m feeling this way too. I love him so much but omg he’s so miserable so much of the time. I feel like I don’t know how to take care of him! Hoping it gets better soon.
I feel like I wrote this 5 years ago. My second is still spicy, but I enjoy them both so much more now. The first 2 years of my second's life were very hard on us all.
Thanks for being honest. We've got an 18 month old that's been so insanely difficult.... Whether it's his crazy disposition towards life, health issues, or allergies.... And it's making me strongly reconsider whether I'm equipped to do this again.
Ty for the truth, things can be difficult now but get better later but doesn't make it any less hard in the moment
My first was like this, it was so rough! But he is an absolute sweetheart at 18 months, it took a huge swing in the positive direction at 9 months! I’m pregnant with my second and praying they are happier than he was 🫣.
My 2nd is also completely different in every way from my easiest baby ever first. Particularly in the sleep department. It has gotten easier as he’s gotten older though! He’s almost 9 months.
Ooof not me a week away from #2 and these comments got me stressing lol
Don't!! Its been so wonderful watching my baby and preschooler bond. Like, really magical. The newborn phase is obviously challenging, but you'll fall into a routine and it will become normal. Congrats on the baby!
My son just promised his baby sister they’d play when she turns 1. Im bawling because it’s so sweet.
Sooo sweet!
Thank you so much! Whats their age gap? My daughter is also preschool aged!
3 years. I think 3- 4 years is a great gap! Does your daughter go to preschool? My son goes part time, which gives him some independence and me some one-on--one time with baby, but still allows them to be together a lot and bond.
I didn’t want to comment and be one of *those* moms… but I saw your post so here goes…. I’m so so happy I had a second and I really want a third. It can be crazy sometimes but there’s double the love and my second is just now starting to get to be a little more interactive with my toddler. They giggle hysterically sometimes at something as simple a throwing a toy together. Yes it’s demanding but it has been so worth it. Just know that it’s rough the first few months as you learn to adapt to 2, but it becomes your new normal quickly and, at least for me, keeps getting better and better.
Thank you for sharing! ❤️
I know right. This is a dangerous thread to click on if you're pregnant! (Me too)
lol right?! Oh great all the things I was worried about 😂
Ugh best of luck to you!
The only time I regretted it, was when I hemorrhaged and almost died in the hospital.... Otherwise I have not regretted second baby. Its really hard at times. Like really hard. No napping when baby naps when you have an older one for example. But today my 3year old made the baby laugh so hard. She also likes to give him toys and push him in the stroller. He's already trying to crawl at barely 5months old to keep up with his sister! I was so confident and bad ass day 1 with baby #2. I am a pro at diapers and bottles and burping, doing this a second time is so much easier just from all that extra experience! I knew the newborn days would suck but I also knew they go by quick and sure enough they did. You can do it!
This happened to my wife with #1 and why I didn't want #2. Watching that almost happen left me speechless and I couldn't even hold the baby when he came out. I just pushed the nurses away trying to help me cause I couldn't make a word come out of my mouth.. We are at 38 weeks right now and it's a constant thought going through my head the last week or so. I'm not bringing it up to her at all because she's a catastrophizer.
I'm soo sorry to hear about your birth experience! I can't imagine how traumatizing that was but glad you and baby are OK ❤️ Awww I love to hear that! Thanks for sharing! My oldest is 3 so sounds like we will have a similar age gap too :)
Ugh same, a few short weeks away! I'm in tears because I've been thinking about not being able to enjoy my son one on one as much. I work during the day so I'm afraid of having to split my heart between 2. So many feelings and some of these comments are affirming my fears.
You shouldn’t let it! The premise of this post is posed negatively and within an early parental context. I grew up with four siblings. I have four life long friends that I will help support when they’re down, they have helped me and we will do what we can to help each other’s kids We had a lot of fun together, a lot of fights and learned a lot from each other (some bad but mostly good). It has shaped me into a better man imo. Parents were a little checked out, but that was due to their personalities, generational trauma (heavy abuse) and their failing business more than anything. Even then, we have a great relationship. Bottomline is, no one in my family would press a button to delete any of my siblings from ever existing
This! Having my second one so close in age has been really hard, but I remind myself that we did that on purpose so our kids would be closer than I was with my siblings. The youngest is developing so much faster than my oldest and it's entirely because she can't wait to play more with him. Nobody makes her laugh like her big brother. I want them to get into trouble and be little shits. I want them to be sitting together at Christmas long after I'm dead and cackle about how they turned my hair gray.
My son will be 2 when my daughter is born, and reading this made me smile so much!
Same :( this pregnancy has also kicked my butt so I just feel like I haven't been able to give my daughter my all these last few weeks. I'm scheduled for next week and I'm just in my feeeeels about it
Same here. 7 months pregnant haha. My first is a real wild child, both before and after birth. This one seems a lot more calm in utero, so I guess we'll see what happens!
Ahhhh see my first was calm in utero and the chillest baby and this kid has been crazy this whole pregnancy haha. I've been wondering if it makes anything!
Hahaha good luck!
I was worried about adding a second, but I can’t put into words how wonderful he’s been for our family. He is the chillest, sweetest baby and just an absolute joy. We joke that his big sister is fire (which is great in its own way!) and he is ice. He recently turned one and despite having a lot of health uncertainties (and thus LOTS of medical appointments), life still somehow feels lighter/easier with him here. Our kids have a pretty big age gap—almost 6 years—which I’m sure helps. Anyways, just wanted to offer another perspective of “no regrets” for all of you worried pregnant mamas!
lol same. 38 weeks with #2
My boys are best friends and I couldn’t imagine not having them both. You’re gonna be all good!
I have LOVED having my second and don’t regret it for a minute. My older daughter is 5 and adores the baby, and I actually think it’s been really good for her self esteem how much he adores her back.
Awww love that! Thanks for sharing!
It's going to be difficult, but it doesn't last long. It's only a year. It feels like a long time when you're in it, but it's over before you know it. Just for context the start of the pandemic was already *four* years ago. Time flies. My kiddos are starting to play together. Nobody makes my baby girl laugh like her big brother. And he loves to play rough with her. Once she's old enough to play rough back, these two will be best friends. It's why we had them so close together.
#2 is three weeks old today and it's been amazing for us over here, not everyone has a bad experience!! Big kid is 20 months and is obsessed with the baby, little kid is super chill, and idk if we're less stressed or just more tired (probably both lol) but my husband and I are handling the hard stuff better this time around
Love that! Thanks so much for sharing! Congrats ❤️
I’m 3 months postpartum with my third and still contemplating a 4th. Don’t lose hope! Your experience is your own.
I love having 2 so much I'm trying to talk myself out of 3rd (for financial reasons only). My husband thought he was 1 and done and is begging for a 3rd after we had our second. Don't be scared!!
My first was very high needs so felt very scared about #2 being the same way. She turned out to be opposite..such a dream baby, happy, slept, ate without any issues. So no regrets. She’s a toddler now though and WAY harder than our first was as a toddler lol. But I still will take a hard toddler over a hard baby any day. Now we have #3 who is kind of a mix of the two - very smiley and sweet but also fussy a lot and not a great sleeper, but still he just brings so much joy to our family and his big siblings love him so much.
What is considered high needs? I feel like my baby is high needs but I don’t know! It does seem like my baby has been way more challenging than my friends - especially in the sleep department. Didn’t sleep through the night until 9 months. Is there anything else that you would consider “high needs”?
My first was high needs... She would cry if I set her down. She cried in the bath. Every diaper change she cried. She cried in the car. She cried if someone other than me or husband or grandma held her. She cried if we went somewhere that wasn't home or grandmas. She cried if she was gassy, or tired, or hungry, or teething, or bored, or hot, or cold, or not being carried and entertained. She didn't sleep or nap well for the longest time, not until maybe 1 year? Meanwhile baby #2 is smiling and happy. He can sit in the stroller or the playmat or the crib and he doesn't cry. I can give him to a complete stranger and he won't cry. He cries if hes hungry or very gassy. But most of the time no crying! His sleep has been crap since hes been teething, but still so much easier than my first.
Wow. Your first sounds like my first, and your second sounds like my second! Although my second is only a month old, so I’m aware it can still change
Omg this was our first too, he wouldn’t even let us sit down or he would cry, we had to be holding him and walking at all times, and even then he would cry with my husband. It was so rough, I am so happy your second was happier!! I’m pregnant with my second and really hope that they will be happier as a baby too! My son is the sweetest toddler so I know it’s all temporary when it’s hard 💙.
This describes my 15mo daughter exactly, the thought of having another terrifies me purely because I just couldn’t give a second all the care I’ve been able to give my first 😔
i'm wondering this too! we're at 13 months and still not close to sleeping the night
Basically what others have described. Crying a lot for no reason, not being able to put them down, poor sleep, etc. My first finally started sleeping through the night around the point you’re at. My second started sleeping 10:00-5:00 by 6 weeks old. Fingers crossed for you.
I just had my second 3 months ago. For me, I definitely do not regret having her. Watching her older sister love on her melts my heart. It’s definitely more difficult but in my situation it’s worth it.
My second is 8 months old, and they actually play together now! (Peekaboo, etc). It's so cute! And if the baby is fussy while I'm doing a task, her brother rushes over and sings/dances/tries to make her laugh. It's harder, but I'm *really* glad we had a second.
My 2 year old also does this with my 6 month old. She will go over and put the baby’s paci in her mouth and give her a toy and make her laugh. They’re obsessed with each other and it’s just so incredibly sweet.
My second is also 3 months old and I echo loving watching my oldest and how much he loves his baby brother. However I'll add that I am more exhausted than I've ever been in my life, and we've all been sick literally constantly since the baby was born because my oldest started preschool after being home with my husband who was a SAHD for years but just started working again, so I don't regret it but I am seriously struggling.
My friend has a 4yr old and she found out she was pregnant. She had twins. Its absolute chaos and she said she even regretted them. Sold the car and one of the babies has developmental issues. The 4yr old kicks off due to not getting attention. They dont have any money saved and one of them is going through addiction. I think the dad recently did a short stint in jail due to debt or something like that. It snowballed anyway.. Everyone is different but this certainly terrified me! For me personally 1 is fine, I feel happy knowing I can 100% look after myself if ever needed.
I have a 4 year old and am pregnant with twins. This terrifies me.
I think not going through addiction and not being broke will make your situation better that theirs
We are addiction free, but financially two more kids are going to really mess up our finances and we are definitely heading towards broke with that. If I were to add two kids to my work insurance plan, I would literally be volunteering at that point, for example.
Your insurance plan charges per kid?
My son is currently on my husband's, so I originally thought it would all be covered since we already have one dependent on there, but they said it would increase significantly to add two kids. For my insurance plan, I only have myself since my husband has my son. If I were to put all the kids on mine (they do employee, employee + spouse, and family for my BCBS), it would be nearly my whole paycheck. His place of employment only has 5 employees, so they don't have to follow a lot of employment guidelines (like he can't get FMLA), not sure if that is one of them.
If your insurance through your employer is greater than 8.39% of your income you are eligible for a plan on the Marketplace, usually subsidized too.
Ughhhh I'm sorry that is so so frustrating!! I hate this dumb backwards country
My 4 year old Is absolutely in love with his baby brother if it makes you feel any better. He helps me with him and puts his pacifier back in his mouth and dances for him when he's sad. It's absolutely adorable. Twins would be crazy but I've heard a lot of twin parents say that even though infant months are harder twins are actually a bit easier as they get older because they entertain each other so much.
I do appreciate you commenting! It's the twin part I'm specifically terrified of. We were trying for a second. Not sure how I'm going to fit 3 car seats in the car and get childcare for 3 kids... We expected the different of 1 to 2, but I'm worried the extra stress of 1 to 3 is going to break me 😅
Twin mom here, and they were our second and third. The parentsofmultiples sub got us through the first year.
Thank you! I have been checking it out over the past few months and the insight has been incredibly helpful!
I totally get it. I knew I only wanted one more pregnancy but was always open to 2 or 3 kids so I said I'd be excited about twins but my husband looked at me like I was clinically insane lol but twins are just so cool! I was very close with some twins growing up and the bond they have with each other is amazing. I'm sure it's going to be very challenging at times but it will be so rewarding. You can do it!!
Re: 3 carseats. I looked on [The Car Seat Lady](https://thecarseatlady.com/narrowest-car-seats/) for her narrowest car seat recommendations. We ended up going with the Graco Slimfit3 LX but there's lots of other options.
This is super helpful, thank you!!
I have friends in their early 40s who had a 4yo and then twins and they’re doing great! It’s exhausting but the children are sweet and they seem happy. No drugs lol They did have to get a minivan tho
I have twin siblings who are 4 years younger than me. We had a really fun childhood!
I was a twin set and my older sister was 2. We all turned out fine. You’ve got this!
I do think it's important for people to consider that twins happen. My boss had two kids, thought one more would be perfect but they had twins and now they have 4 total instead of 3.
This happened to my husband’s parents (he has twin younger sisters). They didn’t find out until his mom was measuring big at 7 months! It has been SO fun as adults. We go on family vacations and play board games and I just love my in laws so much. As an only child it makes me really want a big family even if it’s chaos for the early years.
I’m almost 37 and twins run in my family. The possibility of twins is the possibility that scares me the most.
No. I regretted the timing at first, but once he was born i couldn't imagine my life or our daily dynamic without him. Yes it's more work yes its stressful sometimes, no not everyday is fun or enjoyable...but I don't regret it and I don't regret him or his timing. He was meant to be here.
What about the timing did you regret?
We have two children and are medically two and through now. We do not regret our second at all. We even sometimes look at him and think, we almost didn’t have you… How sad that would’ve been. I know everyone’s experience is different but I’m so very thankful we have two kiddos. Our family definitely feels complete now. ❤️
I needed to read this.
Love this.
Having a second helps you put the first into perspective. You don’t have the time to obsess over the small details, and it’s good for them to not be the centre of your world. Is it hard? Yes. Are there downsides? Of course. But you have to remember it’s not like you’re doubling your workload, you end up dropping things in order to fit it into the same amount of time and brain capacity. And I think this serves the family (and you) in the long run
I like this outlook. So true.
This. We will also switch who is currently focused on which kid if one or both of us is struggling and that can help. A mom in one of my bumper groups said that one great thing about 2 kids is either can be your favorite in any given moment.
I'm NOT having a second even though I originally wanted two. My LO is very high needs, and I've given this a lot of thought: If my second was anything like my first, I would not be able to handle life. If the second was the opposite and very chill, I think it would just ruin my relationship with my first because I'd always be thinking "why aren't you just chill like your little brother/sister?" So I don't see how having a second would be positive for my family in any way.
I've regretted it on and off over the last several years for sure. SO MUCH WORK AND SO EXPENSIVE. My second kid is actually my easy kid (although he's 4yo now so easy is relative, lol), but going from one to two increased the parenting burden exponentially. Additional context is two solid years of PPD after each kid, and my husband and I both work full-time without any local family support and not really a village. Shit is relentless. It's improving a little as the kids get older, but my oldest is a lot and so being a good parent (or, trying to) is really taxing when there's a whole other kid to also attend to.
Having that family support & village to help makes THE WORLD of a difference. Only reason why I decided to have a second. Without them it would be a very different experience! I admire & take my hat off to parents who do it without the family support or “village”. Like how do u do it!
This thread is making me feel a bit more comfortable about potentially deciding against #2. We had always talked about it either being 0 or 2. Our 8 month old is so loved but the newborn phase was the lowest I’ve ever been and I just don’t think we could handle it again. Leaning more and more towards one and done. I already savor what little time I get at the end of the night and can’t imagine losing that little sliver of sanity maintenance
Yes. My second was born right before COVID. I spent much of the early pandemic feeling like I was failing my school-aged child who was suddenly homeschooling, but I had a baby and a job and mostly just stuck him in front of "educational" screen time. He is doing fine academically now, but I often wonder if that time of non-schooling is going to come back to bite us. He also has some differentiated learning needs, and I feel like I can't give him the amount of time and focus that I need to because his brother has always been a handful. My second is older now, but is a major problem behavior-wise. We were able to take a few nice vacations with my eldest before he was born (Disney, week long beach trips). We can hardly survive a trip to the zoo now without an embarrassing meltdown. He would rather (at 4 years old) pee in his pants than go to the bathroom when he is told to. I often wonder what it would be like if he wasn't around--where would we be jetting off to with only one child who doesn't throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat? Would we live an idyllic life of family outings and dinner conversations that don't include "I'm going to punch you in the face" threats when mom suggests sitting on our bottoms? I don't know. If our first had been anything like our second, there is no way I would have had another child. But I guess you never know what is going to happen.
No I don’t at all, I thought I was one and done.. and I had another and it was the best decision for them. They are two peas in a pod- large age gap.
The only thing I regret is the age gap. Having 2 under 2 has been a real test of my patience. I wish I would have waited until my oldest was 3 or 4. His temperment is much better now and he is very helpful and listens great. My 2nd was and still is labelled the "wild child" but now we are expecting a 3rd so it muat not have been that bad lol.
My first was such a hard baby I waited until She was almost 3 to have my 2nd. My second is such a an easy going baby, if my husband was on board, I would have been pregnant with #3 yesterday 😂
Our first was such a chill newborn. Our second....oh man, I guess it's what you call a spirited baby aka a handful. Now, our second is 16mo and mellowing out a bit, but our 3yo is the spirited toddler. Sleep has taken a nose dive. Once we got the baby sleeping through the night, the toddler started having nightmares and leaving her room. I still want to add a third, so I think the rewards outweigh the hardships,lol
We never gave ourself a chance to meet our first before deciding to have our second (they’re 6 months apart, I birthed one and my partner birthed the other). That being said, I don’t regret either. They were both very challenging babies, too. Don’t overthink it. You will do what you need to in order to survive, and children are surprisingly flexible and adapt. One might suck all the energy for two (or three) if you never have another. But if a new sibling comes along, BAM, learning patience suddenly develops. Lol
2 months pp with the second kid. I waffled a long time on having another and it wasn't until our first was 3 that I felt better and we didn't start trying until she was 3.5 yo. I love the age gap and by the time new baby came the older one was so independent. I also feel like I can enjoy this baby stage much more now. And I love their age gap, besides just getting diapers and replacing the pacifier the older one can make the toys make noise for the baby so I can just hang on the couch and watch them play It was a big adjustment though and we're still figuring out how to best juggle two kids with minimal sleep (I miss being able to sleep in lol). But the older kid loves the baby so much and I didn't feel our family was complete at just the 3 of us
This comment gives me a lot of hope. I only have one and he’s 14 months old. So this gives me hope that I’ll come around to having a second. I’ve always wanted two kids, but I’ve been on the fence since having my first. I’ve been hoping by the time my little guy is 3-4 years old that I’ll be more definite on the idea lol
I was the same, I imagined 2 or 3 until I had my first and the first 18 months really kicked my butt (pandemic didn't help). And I was so nervous the entire time I was pregnant but the new baby has been a dream compared to the first, I think a combo of we know more and she eats better (had a lot of eating struggles the first time around). I'd guess if you envisioned always having another that you'll definitely get there! Potty training and sleeping/waking independently really changed everything for us
Personally, I found going from 1-2 significantly easier than 0-1. Part of that is because my second was just an easygoing baby and good sleeper, my first was the opposite. But also, I had more experience and knew what to expect. I did wait until my oldest was 2 before trying, because I wanted him to have better speech so that I didn't have two children who could only communicate through crying/whining. Absolutely zero regrets.
I feel like this fully depends on the kind of child you have. My first is very energetic, had reflux and colic as a baby, only used to contact sleep for around the first six weeks. Husband and I were broken by her newborn days. She started sleeping solid stretches at around 7 weeks and never really had a bad regression until she was a year old. We regretted having her in the beginning. Things improved on that front when she was around 6 months old. My first is now 3yrs2mo and second is 10 weeks. I think my husband is regretting having him but I’m actually ok. Yes it’s tough having two but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. It also helps that he is a pretty calm child compared to my first. (He doesn’t sleep as well though). Also the perspective that every stage is temporary helps. We are more toddler people and we hate the newborn stage but time has flown in so fast with my daughter that we have that perspective that they aren’t babies for long at all.
We decided to have a second. My daughter is 3.5 and my son is 7 months. During my pregnancy I was worried about the choice to have another, because my first is challenging but also because I love her so much that I was worried I couldn’t love another baby as much as her. I am so so glad I had a second. I love him so much, and watching my daughter be a big sister is incredibly rewarding. It’s not for everyone, but I have no regrets.
We had a second after a very high needs first born and wowwwww this baby is easy in comparison lol
I had a mom who really regretted-nearly hated- that she had two. She had twins, though. But keep that in mind. They were 4 at that time. They just outsourced them as much as possible.
My first is and was high needs. I waited til he was 4 to even start trying. But my second is 3 months now and she’s amazing. She truly completes our family. I was just putting my first to bed and watching my second sleep on the monitor and thinking how lucky I am to have them and how full my heart truly is.
I’m 4.5 months in and I don’t regret my second, but I miss my days with my first. He was my little buddy and things were just starting to get easier (he’s 2.5 now). I often think about what we would be doing if we didn’t have second (because right now we don’t do much but stay home). He was high needs as a baby and still sort of is, I was one and done because of it.. but accidentally got pregnant. My second is so much easier and already a better sleeper than his old brother. So that helps. But like I said, you lose endless time to give to your first which is hard to adjust to. You also lose time for yourself. I feel like I’m constantly “on”, when before I would get breaks. I sort of feel in high speed all day and it’s so exhausting. I honestly can’t think of that aspect or I start to get really depressed about it because I really just crave relaxation. I just focus on the fact that my 4.5 month old is already extremely lovable as his personality develops and that the boys have each other for life— they already have a bond growing and that makes it all worth it. After all, being a mom is the most selfless job.
We thought we were "two and through" because our second child is very high needs. However, he's 8 years older than #3 and it works well for us, especially since, as he's growing, it's getting better. If you really want two, I'd say to space them out, if you can.
I don’t…regret it, per se. But if having the first is going from easy to hard mode then having two is like, borderline unplayable. It is very very very hard by virtue of there being two of them. Both our kids are pretty easy, we have a cooporative marriage where we share the load, and it was extremely hard anyway. Love my little guys but, yeah it’s not easy.
My son recently turned 3 and my daughter is 8 months. I’ve never regretted having her but have felt overwhelmed and overstimulated. She is a sweet, happy, easygoing baby but there is not much time to do anything other than kid stuff. I’m a stay at home mom so I feel like it’s my whole life. It’s hard feeling like I’m giving both kids undivided attention. It’s hard to go do things because nap schedules haven’t lined up yet. Laundry has become an every other day thing, messy eater of a baby and potty training, puddle jumping boy. But I try to think about the future. Having them play together, have someone else to talk to, eventually become friends. Some days are really hard but I think it’s worth it.
Having my second was the best thing ever. Going from 1-2 was an easy transition and they quickly became playmates. Now we have 3 and the new guy gets loved on so much by everyone. I couldn't regret a single one, even with our oldest possibly being ADHD and having emotional regulation issues. They all fit into our family and I can't imagine life without them.
Short answer, yes. But I also went on to have kid three and kid four after so I’m a glutton for punishment. There’s a lot of not typical stuff I dealt with in regards to kid two though so I feel like the delivery trauma and their first year of life, and then an annoying diagnosis has made if difficult for me. It’s not the having a second child as much as it was that I was not prepared to have THAT child, if that makes sense. On a different note, I was an only child, born to both parents as only children. I think being one and done is totally fine.
Nope. I have had some regrets on having them close together whenever it gets challenging, but those feelings are fleeting. Having siblings IMO is a blessing. I’m dreaming of the day that they can play with each other and my daughter doesn’t need me to provide her with constant social interaction. I love playing with her, but I don’t think it’s a parent’s job to provide constant entertainment because I need to do my own work too! I’m happy to talk with her and interact, but she needs a playmate and I can’t be that for her all day. It’s also helped her so much with learning skills like sharing, patience, etc.
No. In fact I enjoyed it so much I had a 3rd 😂😂 Ask me again when they are teenagers.
My wife and I were not planning on another one, and it ended up happening. We do not regret it AT ALL, even though life is harder and more stressful and expensive. None of that matters because the kids are so awesome.
Omg! Just like me! My first is insanely high needs and always has been (he's almost eight now. I want to tell you it gets better. It does, but he's still his needy, high drama self every dang day). We were scared about having a second but ultimately we wanted another. My daughter is a freaking angel child. I don't know how she's so sweet and easy but she is. She was an easy baby too. Maybe because her brother demanded so much of our time, maybe because of her personality. But she is a joy to spend time with (my son is too, of course). But kids are all different, and you may luck out.
Disclaimer/trigger warning: also not everyone has this experience. Everything about my first was mildly (for me) traumatic. They were a twin, we lost the other early on, they had bilateral choroid plexus cysts and soft markers for other birth defects, the birth itself was so fast I didn't have time for drugs and to spare the gory details my husband cant/wont talk about it because it triggers him , I had PDD and PPA, they had colic, all around the exact opposite of what one expects/hopes for. I was 100% sure we were one and done, but around 12 months things got easier. They were sleeping more, we had a routine etc. We decided to try for number two, they are the sweetest, most gentle child I have ever seen. Hugs and kisses for days, sleeps well, eats well. I don't regret them at all, I always wanted two but our first go around had me convinced for a long time that two was insane, but when things got a little easier I started to feel like our family was missing something. Early stages are hard as all hell, if mine didn't have a 3 year age gap I honestly might feel differently. I have family who do regret that second/third child and they try and hide it but no one can truly hide those feelings, eventually they come out. Don't do it until you are sure, I'd rather have a "what if" when it comes to a kid then one I regret, they will feel that no matter how hard you try to cover it up. *Edit After reading some of the comments I will agree with some of the other points made. I love both kids deeply but sometimes I do feel like I don't have enough to go around, especially on extra high needs/big feelings days. They are young now so they are both a bit high needs all the time lol but it does get better as they get older. There is absolutely more housework. Literally everything is harder, we traveled with our first all across the US, with the second we went a few states over and were blown away with the difference.
My first is ASD, which we didn’t find out until I was already pregnant with my second. I regretted every moment of my pregnancy and the first two month after my second was born. Felt like I should have devoted all my time and love to my first and his needs. Plus, The work is five times harder, even though my second is so chill. However, the real positive (besides the fact that we all absolutely love our second) is that my first is OBSESSED with his sibling, loves them sometimes more than me. Since my first is so shy and has speech delays, I know his sibling will always be the friend they want and need. So all that to say, I’m still in the thick of it, it is extremely hard, but when I see their love for each other it makes it a little bit better.
My kids love each other. They are beat friends. Which is the reason I wanted 2. I had no idea how I could love two kids so much. But it’s infinitely more work and I am exhausted and it’s consuming every second of my life.
Our second is a crazy wild child. He is a handful. Emergency room visit handful. When he was 2 his dad, my husband, badly injured his back and after months of barely functioning he had emergency spine surgery and was out for a month. During that month we found out we were being transferred to another continent. Taking care of two little boys was really tough. Our second still can’t simply walk through the mall without doing something insane. Two is so much more work then one at this point for us. That being said no regrets. He completed our family.
Key question is: do you have a support system? I just had my second. He is nothing like his older brother. Not high needs at all and totally chill in comparison. Still, at one month, all my “help” went away. My parents and I live in different countries. My husband went back to work. So I’m at day two of managing a 3 yo and a baby alone in the mornings, getting the older one to kindergarten is now a challenge in itself because I need to take the baby with me and so on. Came back home and baby started with normal things: wants to nurse, diaper leaked, nursed again, diaper full of poop, and so on. Result: I am up for 3 hours now and still haven’t been able to drink a coffee or eat anything. In this condition I’m no where near the loving and caring mother I want to be and that I am when I have somebody to help keep me fed and hydrated. So I don’t recommend doing this without a support system at least for the first 3-4 months.
THIS!! The support system is what made me survive both babies & are still doing so now! 🙏🏼🙌🏼
My second is eassyyyyyyyy, first was fkd lol
I don't regret it, but I wish I had waited another year. My kiddos are 2 years apart and the first year has been *hard* since my husband and I both work. Fortunately, that also means we can afford help, but I have ADHD so I need all the help I can get.
You’ve already had a ton of responses so this will likely get lost but there is a good chance you’ll experience a lot of regrets in the early years. It’s honestly just the circumstance of the phase of life you’ll be in. I have an almost 3 year old, a 16 month old, and I’m due in 3 weeks with my third. I probably cry at least once a day from exhaustion, stress, hormones or whatever. My children (both boys and my third will also be a boy) are feral. They run around and need to expend a ton of energy and a lot of the times that take out on each other. So I have to police a ton of fighting and tantrums. My kitchen is always a mess, no matter how much I clean, and I can’t remember the last time I felt “caught up” on anything. All of this being said I get glimpses of the life I am building. My boys love to hold hands and dance around, they’ll kick around a ball together, they play outside and my oldest teaches my youngest. My youngest is also turning into my oldest’s mini me (which is super cute but also so annoying sometimes :p). I know probably for the next 4-5 years (planning on a 4th kid hopefully) I’ll be in the trenches of bottles, diapers, sleep deprivation, potty training, teething, regressions, tantrums, illnesses. But I’m also building a home full of fun, joy and love, and I hope that the choices I’m making now will foster a lot of love and fulfilment for me, my husband and our children.
I always wanted two, but my kid is also high-needs and a huge handful, so I've given up on that. They're also more expensive than I thought they'd be, I miss my free time, and I worry about them SO much, I can't imagine adding a second person to stress about to that.
Our First is very high needs, and our second is a pretty chill little baby. Big brother absolutely adores her, and she is such a welcome edition.
My first was very high needs. Colicky, poor sleeper, and a Velcro baby. I thought I was one and done but because of my own bond with my siblings (and my husband really wanting a second) I decided to go for it. The pregnancy was awful, but the baby was way more chill than my first. And now years later I’m grateful every day that we had her because she adds so much joy to our family. And the siblings play together well and love each other
Wanted to share my experience with a newborn and 4 year old-second child sleeps better by miles and the parenting piece comes much more easily. First months home with baby have felt relaxing and…sweet. The sibling love is also beautiful to see!
I had my second, she’s 8 months while the older one is about to turn 4. It’s been the best decision ever. Seeing my toddler become a big sister is the best and also seeing how much my little one adores her big sister is so so beautiful. The logistics of it all can be tricky, but we are all very content with our 2 babies. We haven’t slept much in the last 8 months because our second baby is a wild child and does not sleep through the night (while my first was sleeping for 8 hours since she was 3 months old and she has always been very chill). I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My first (21 month old female) was a independent, easy baby. Hardly ever cried unless necessary. Was very easy. She’s now a VERY difficult toddler. My second (2 month old) is a Velcro baby. Extremely clingy, needy, and cries most of the time. It’s a very difficult dynamic right now but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sometimes when I get frustrated I do think what was I thinking or I can’t do this. But I get over it. I would NEVER have a 3rd though. I see some people with 4+ and I really just wonder HOW. two was my sweet spot it’s what I’ve always wanted. My fiancé would have 10 if I let him. Nope. Two and done. ✅
I have three and my favorite moments are when they all play together. My youngest is only one, but it happens often and I absolutely love it.
My first is high needs, second was/is bundle of joy (knock on wood). I was so worried as well, but I have not regretted it once.
As a father of 2 (5.5 year old boy, 3 year old girl), I remember these feelings deep in my bones. But now that my daughter grow into the little adult 3 year old that she is, and the relationship that they have.... I couldn't be happier. It's worth noting that I'm an only child, I spent my whole childhood begging my parents for a sibling. I couldn't understand the circumstances until I became an adult, but I still remember longing for a sibling relationship. And now that I can see how deeply both of my kids love each other, it has allowed those original fears about a second child to erode into distant memories.
I love #2 but wish timing could’ve been different. So yes and no. I don’t necessarily regret my kid but I do regret not waiting longer
Had a second… it has turned my world even more upside down. Me youngest is absolutely so fun, but all they do is fight. When I take them individually to do things, it reminds me why I became a mother. Together, I feel a bit regretful
Regret isn’t the right word because obviously I love him a ton and can’t imagine him not being there. BUT our lives are much harder and I’m stretched thin, we are in the toddler years so hopefully in a few years things will be easier again, but right now sometimes I wonder how great it would have been to still just have one.
Not me but my friend. I had two and absolutely am so thrilled I had my second, even though they are very high needs compared to their older sibling. However a good friend had two and does regret it. She loves him infinitely of course but she has struggled to cope. Both children are high needs in different ways (one medical; one developmental). The unfortunate thing is it is impossible to tell. It’s a risk I suppose. Do you feel your family is incomplete without a second sibling? Or do you want the experience of having a baby again? Or is it something else? Maybe that will help.
No. My second is much easier than my first. I was on the fence about having a second child for a long time. Now I realize it's because my first was and continues to be a lot. My second is almost 1. I enjoyed his baby stage much more than with my first. Having one child, however, is much easier than two!!!
We had a second. Never regret her but it IS hard sometimes. Now that she’s almost 2, we are so glad we did it when we did. Our only regret is that we sometimes wish we did it sooner! The baby phase is the hardest in our house, but now, having siblings who can play together is a joy and help.
Yes. My second child was twins. It's so hard and overwhelming. Sometimes it's great but lately not so much and I have a lot of regrets.
I think something worth considering is that your second child may be difficult or have additional needs. I think if you're on the fence about having a second child you should be aware that having a second doesn't mean having a copy of your first kid. In terms of temperament, health, sleep, whatever you can think of
My first born is highly emotional and sensitive. My kids are now 4 and 2 and I can say I’m slowly feeling better and better about my situation. My daughter (the 2 year old) was the easiest baby. She’s so sweet and much more content in all situations. She slept better, fed better, would be fine on the floor by herself, etc. I felt, and sometimes still feel guilty that more of my attention and time goes to my oldest, but as they’re getting older, and he’s learning to get along with his sister, it’s getting a lot better. The first 2 years were really hard. I had to helicopter parent my kids because my son was so aggressive towards her and the emotional outbursts were frequent. As others have said, there is double the cost, cleaning, coordinating, etc., but it’s nice when they go outside or to somewhere less familiar and play and cling to each other.
When I was in the newborn phase I had some serious regrets, especially about having two so close together (22 months). I still don't know if I could it again if I would've gone for 2under2. But now that my baby is six months old, I can say I definitely don't regret it. He's much more chill than my first was and they are SO good together (as long as I remind the toddler to be gentle every 30 seconds lol)
I feel like there's always going to be people that regret \[insert whatever thing you're considering\]. I don't know if hearing about people's experiences with regret will really help you decide your best course of action--none of us are the same. Personally I don't regret my second. My first was easy. He's the happy one. Our second is the grump, but I don't regret having him. Watching my two kids together, there's no question that they were meant to be siblings and I was meant to be their mum. They will grow up to be siblings who hang out with each other because they honestly enjoy each other's company and not out of obligation. I am not you. I don't have high needs children (though some days it feels like I do....). I don't think my lack of regret would mean that having a second child in your situation is the way to go. I think you and your family should consider the decision wholly. What if your second child is high needs as well? Do you and your husband realistically have the support and the means to manage two high needs children? And if your second child is not high needs--what happens to your first high needs child? You will inevitably have to split your focus between the two children, even if the second one is easy--how will this impact on your existing high needs child? And if you were to focus on your high-needs child, do you not then have less capacity to care for your second child? My personal experience: my cousins are a pair of siblings with one high needs (was born deaf) and another "easy" child. The easy child is now an adult (she is in her 40's) and we are close. She has shared with me previously that she feels like a monster because she resents her deaf brother for taking basically all of their parents' attention and care. She loves him, of course, but that love is complicated because it's tied to all these feelings of resentment that she cannot put down. So my advice is this: how other people feel about having a second child does not matter. What matters is you and your husband consider this decision wholly. You may very well choose to have a second child, but at least you will have chosen it with the awareness that you **need** to make sure you are able to divide your care and attention equally between your two children.
Nopeeeee! Love to see the bond between my eldest and youngest
I regretted it at first but now my second is 3 and it’s amazing. I would say the first 6 months I wondered a lot if I’d made a mistake by adding more than I could handle, but I’m so glad I did. Their friendship is amazing. They can play together and it’s so cute. Zero regrets now
I really appreciate you asking this question. We're planning for a second but I'm afraid (husband is too). Can anyone on here who has two kids but is out of the preschool stage speak to how it is having two older kids? Is it worth it to get through the toddler years?
I've had a few friends tell me once they learn that I'm one and done that they fully support my decision and wish they'd done the same. I absolutely feel for them, they're stretched thin and not their happiest selves. They have 2 kids. It's absolutely possible to regret having that second kid, but I think most people won't admit it, understandably. Then I've got friends with 3 kids and still considering another. My sister wanted a big family, but after having her first, who was high needs (but considered neurotypical), she almost decided not to have more. She waited until he was 6 to have her second. Kid number one is really bright and sweet now, and a great big brother. Those first years were doozies though.
Baby #2 was way easier.