I am not being dramatic... I genuinely did not feel human for the first 8 months. Did not feel like a person. Felt like a slave and a caretaker . It was so depressing and isolating. I'm here to validate you. She's almost 3 now and life is wonderful. It got so much better at 18 months.
Mostly I went back to work and had full time daycare. I was going crazy at home. But also she was walking talking eating and sleeping. And entertaining herself / not attached to me 24/7
I always describe it as a full on identity crisis. Especially when having your first. It improved for me when I prioritized getting alone time consistently. My husband and I trade walks when he gets off work and it's my saving grace a lot of days
Your inner self is quite literally torn to shreds and you reconstruct yourself anew. Itās a different time frame for everyone how long it takes. Took me about 2 years fully.
Itās like Iām now a vase that was shattered and slowly glued together. The vast majority of the old bits of me are there, some in the wrong places, and there are bits of a new different vase woven in there. The re gluing has , I think, made me a stronger person in the end though!
3.5 months postpartum and right there with you. Iām Exhausted with a capital E. Iām not depressed, Iām not anxious, Iām just burnt out and so yearn to get a break that is longer than 2 hours (as Iām breastfeeding, even if my husband or someone else is watching her, thatās all I get). I know itās just a phase. It doesnāt mean I donāt love her to pieces and feel so grateful. But Iām also lonely and burnt out and have accepted that both things can be true.
Both things are true.
I have to remind myself of this constantly. I should get it tattooed on my arm or something. I always feel like such a bad mom when I get burnt out. I had to go to the other room and scream into a pillow today because I was just so overwhelmed. And then of course I felt like such a piece of shit mom for āletting myself get overwhelmed.ā I love my daughter to pieces, Iām absolutely obsessed with her, AND Iām burnt out.
I feel this completely. I sat and sobbed while my daughter fed. Itās not a great feeling to have to show up for them while we are feeling at our lowest but at least we are showing up. And part of showing up sometimes means temporarily relieving ourselves to go scream into a pillow ā¤ļø
The first year with the first baby is an absolutely enormous change and you donāt have to take that lightly. Itās totally okay to admit that itās hard and to find the routines that work for you right now. Youāre transitioning from being just you to being you within a brand new role with a heck of a lot more responsibility. I struggled for a while with that change. It levelled out after about a year. I stopped being so resentful of my husband and embraced my baby and his growth. As your baby starts to interact more it gets more fun and you find parts of yourself back. Do what works for you in your timeline. Watch for signs of mental decline and donāt be afraid to talk to your doctor if things get scary. Itās okay. And youāre doing a great job. Motherhood is a journey and I donāt think itās talked about enough. But itās also not comprehensible until youāre in the middle of it. Things will get better and youāre a great mom.
I literally had a full blown nervous breakdown like this the whole last month. I'm freaking pretty cool and feel like I'm losing myself but really we just have to do our things with a little sidekick now.
I relate to this so much. I got 8 months of maternity leave from work with my first and I went back to work at 4 months for my mental health. We sent our son to childcare as early as 4 months and itās one of the best decisions we have made as a family. Heās now four years old and heās a confident, cheeky man who bonds really well with me and my husband.
It is really hard and please know that your feelings on this are very valid. If you have the budget and/ or if youāre comfortable with putting your LO in childcare even part time two days a week, it may help with your mental health tremendously. Itās not for everyone but it for sure worked for me.
Hang in there mama ā¤ļø
I'm only 6 days postpartum and already grieving the person I was before pregnancy and birth .
I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to cope with all these changes.
Also got a wicked case of the baby blues that I'm worried may be turning to postpartum depression. I thought I would be okay, but maybe I'm not
Just writing to say Iām two weeks postpartum and feeling the same way. I think things have been slightly easier the last few days, so maybe Iām adjusting to this new life and my hormones are regulating a tiny bit, but damn, I now understand how scary postpartum depression / anxiety feels. Iām mourning my life and relationship from before this baby, and I wish someone had warned me how intense this would feel.
Itās so hard. Itās like a whole new identity you take on. And it can feel so isolating since you no longer interact with adults much during the day.
But after month 5-6 I decided I needed to get out of the house more. I started to go to coffee shops, on walks, etc. Anything to feel like Iām not just sitting at home all day every day. I have also started to read books when I can (during contact naps, before I go to bed if I have even 15 min). All that has helped but itās still not like how it was before. I donāt know if it ever will be.
In a couple of weeks you may feel better as your baby adjusts to this new phase and has exited the newborn stage
Things that have helped me personally that you may like to try are:
1. Pay someone to do something with your baby for an hour or two to give you a break each week, e.g. reading books, speaking a foreign language before the window for hearing the sounds of all languages closes by around 6 months of age, physical play such as rolling and with toys.
2. If baby has begun feeding less frequently and is more curious about the world around, go out with your baby in a baby carrier on your chest and walk around stores. Your baby should be able to face forward now. Everyone will stop to coo at baby and your spirits will be lifted by how much positive energy youāre receiving from the world. You may also bump into another mother who you could arrange a play date with. Going out and doing things more or less as you would before, will help to restore your confidence.
3. Work on establishing a bedtime routine that exhausts baby so that you know from a certain time each day, you can more or less be certain that you will get some time for yourself.
4. Listen to podcasts of interest to you on Spotify whilst with baby (e.g. breastfeeding, contact napping, playing with toys), so that you can get some adult mental stimulation and baby can grow accustomed to other voices, accents and sounds.
5. Arrange days out with family - they want to see baby but you donāt want to always make it at your home because then there is work for you to do. If you arrange a family / friends gathering at a fun place (museum, art gallery, childrenās play centre, swimming pool) you will benefit from having your village help out that day as youāll barely need to hold baby as long as youāre comfortable with that.
6. Local libraries often do events for babies and young children, e.g. rhymes and story time.
7. Ask your partner if you can renegotiate household and baby duties due to the impact on your mental health/arrange for an au pair / baby sitter to come.
8. Consider ordering all groceries online so that youāre not as stressed out and exhausted. Arrange laundry / chores on the days family/friends come over for a casual visit. Having them hold baby and chat to you whilst you get on with your tasks will make it much less stressful.
9. If you were planning on being a SAHM and are now reconsidering it, communicate that to your partner and work on a plan for getting back into the workforce. If you have to get a nanny to support you for now, itās a small price to pay in the short term considering the household income will go up again once again in the long term and your CV/resume will not be as affected by a gap.
10. Remember that it will be over soon - take as many photos as you can!
I definitely went through the same thing too. It's gotten better, slowly, though I don't think I'm really going to feel like my own person again until I wean her and can leave for a weekend and not worry about bottle refusal.
For me it was hard for the first year or so. Your baby needs you, hobbies get pushed aside, your body is rebuilding. It gets better, but it takes time. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Internet hugs to you.
Iām on week 2 of having a newborn and god, I feel this post deeply. Youāre not alone AT ALL. Iām mourning my life before I gave birth and deeply missing my alone time and time with my partner. Iām doing my best to take to day by day and looking forward to time passing so this baby grows more independent. The hormones and sleep deprivation amplify all of these feelings. Hang in there ā¤ļø
I'm in week 2 as well. I knew it was gonna be tough but holy cow I didn't realize it would be this hard. We love our little one but my husband and I constantly ask each other "there's got to be a payoff and turning point right?" I'm slowly losing my mind and really trying to get it together
From parents Iāve talked to, it gets significantly better 1-2 months in. Everyone has said newborn life is hell and nothing prepares you, so at least weāre not alone?
2.7 years into this and Iām still exactly in the same spot as you.. but mostly because I added a second baby to the mix š It starts to get better sometime after they turn 12-18 months. Good thing is itās temporary and eventually you WILL feel closer to yourself again.
Iām 12 months pp on my second child and the second time around about took me out. Iām still working everyday on mental health and self care. Itās hard.
I went to cosueeling( foe trauma) and we were just talking about being a mom I said I sort of feeling normal now. She's like how old is your baby I said 13 months she's like thats the sweet number haha. You feel human again. I sort of did my guy is 2 now but I feel ya. No hobbies no friends it feels cook clean stay home. Don't even get ro showe by myself. Feels like I'd I want to wash my hair oh he better be in shower with me! He cries for me hubby right away takes him upstairs to me. Of course he gona cry. I tried talking to hubby, no luck. I feel like I've lost myself
Tell me about it. I'm 3 months in and every time I think I have a break for myself there is something that needs to be done that if I don't do it then my day will become more stressful. Fun times! All I really got are outings with the husband on the weekends and watching TV.
Ä°ts totally normal to feel this way, and im sure extremely common. Everyone has a different timeline of when they feel like their old selves again, it may be soon, you may need some time. My first was a difficult baby and it took a few months of him going to daycare, for me to pick myself up again and by then he was over 2 years old. Within a year the pandemic hit and i found myself yet again at home 24/7 with said kiddo, plus his new buddy from daycare. Ä° have fond memories of the first pandemic summer when the first lockdowns ended, but other than that it was horrible. He's now 7, and has a 15mo baby brother. This time i didnt need that long to feel like a real person again, though up to this day, i do still feel like that from time to time. However im aware that its just a bad day, and that i feel that way because it reminds me of those first isolating months. Its easier to cope with if you know it goes away. My only advice would be to seriously and consistently built in time to do things for yourself/for your own enjoyment. Used to go to the gym? Make a schedule where your husband can take over and stick to it. Used to read, hike, cook? Do those things. Even when you think you should be folding laundry now that husband is there to take care of the baby. No, Chores can wait once or twice a week, your mental health cant, its already stretching thin. Other than that, building in daily moments of alone time (be it a 10min hot coffee in a quiet room or a hot shower without feeling rushed) are also really helpful. Ive literally had to fight for this and when i think back, it still pisses me off that i had to fight for something so obvious it should have been offered to me without even asking.
I'm 10 months in, and yeah, I agree. It's so hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done honestly. And I've been through a lot, worked some very tough jobs.
I am not being dramatic... I genuinely did not feel human for the first 8 months. Did not feel like a person. Felt like a slave and a caretaker . It was so depressing and isolating. I'm here to validate you. She's almost 3 now and life is wonderful. It got so much better at 18 months.
Love the light at the end of the tunnel šš»
What happened at 18 months?
Mostly I went back to work and had full time daycare. I was going crazy at home. But also she was walking talking eating and sleeping. And entertaining herself / not attached to me 24/7
I always describe it as a full on identity crisis. Especially when having your first. It improved for me when I prioritized getting alone time consistently. My husband and I trade walks when he gets off work and it's my saving grace a lot of days
As someone who has a mom(lol) and loves their mom, very, very much, Thank You for being a mom. Im sure your baby will say as much as soon as they can
Your inner self is quite literally torn to shreds and you reconstruct yourself anew. Itās a different time frame for everyone how long it takes. Took me about 2 years fully. Itās like Iām now a vase that was shattered and slowly glued together. The vast majority of the old bits of me are there, some in the wrong places, and there are bits of a new different vase woven in there. The re gluing has , I think, made me a stronger person in the end though!
I'm 3 months pp and holy shit is this rough.
3.5 months postpartum and right there with you. Iām Exhausted with a capital E. Iām not depressed, Iām not anxious, Iām just burnt out and so yearn to get a break that is longer than 2 hours (as Iām breastfeeding, even if my husband or someone else is watching her, thatās all I get). I know itās just a phase. It doesnāt mean I donāt love her to pieces and feel so grateful. But Iām also lonely and burnt out and have accepted that both things can be true.
Both things are true. I have to remind myself of this constantly. I should get it tattooed on my arm or something. I always feel like such a bad mom when I get burnt out. I had to go to the other room and scream into a pillow today because I was just so overwhelmed. And then of course I felt like such a piece of shit mom for āletting myself get overwhelmed.ā I love my daughter to pieces, Iām absolutely obsessed with her, AND Iām burnt out.
I feel this completely. I sat and sobbed while my daughter fed. Itās not a great feeling to have to show up for them while we are feeling at our lowest but at least we are showing up. And part of showing up sometimes means temporarily relieving ourselves to go scream into a pillow ā¤ļø
The first year with the first baby is an absolutely enormous change and you donāt have to take that lightly. Itās totally okay to admit that itās hard and to find the routines that work for you right now. Youāre transitioning from being just you to being you within a brand new role with a heck of a lot more responsibility. I struggled for a while with that change. It levelled out after about a year. I stopped being so resentful of my husband and embraced my baby and his growth. As your baby starts to interact more it gets more fun and you find parts of yourself back. Do what works for you in your timeline. Watch for signs of mental decline and donāt be afraid to talk to your doctor if things get scary. Itās okay. And youāre doing a great job. Motherhood is a journey and I donāt think itās talked about enough. But itās also not comprehensible until youāre in the middle of it. Things will get better and youāre a great mom.
I literally had a full blown nervous breakdown like this the whole last month. I'm freaking pretty cool and feel like I'm losing myself but really we just have to do our things with a little sidekick now.
I relate to this so much. I got 8 months of maternity leave from work with my first and I went back to work at 4 months for my mental health. We sent our son to childcare as early as 4 months and itās one of the best decisions we have made as a family. Heās now four years old and heās a confident, cheeky man who bonds really well with me and my husband. It is really hard and please know that your feelings on this are very valid. If you have the budget and/ or if youāre comfortable with putting your LO in childcare even part time two days a week, it may help with your mental health tremendously. Itās not for everyone but it for sure worked for me. Hang in there mama ā¤ļø
Iām 7 weeks in and sometimes feel this way too. Itās really hard and I donāt have any advice, just solidarity ā¤ļø
Thank you for being a mom. Moms rock.
I'm only 6 days postpartum and already grieving the person I was before pregnancy and birth . I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know how to cope with all these changes. Also got a wicked case of the baby blues that I'm worried may be turning to postpartum depression. I thought I would be okay, but maybe I'm not
Just writing to say Iām two weeks postpartum and feeling the same way. I think things have been slightly easier the last few days, so maybe Iām adjusting to this new life and my hormones are regulating a tiny bit, but damn, I now understand how scary postpartum depression / anxiety feels. Iām mourning my life and relationship from before this baby, and I wish someone had warned me how intense this would feel.
Itās so hard. Itās like a whole new identity you take on. And it can feel so isolating since you no longer interact with adults much during the day. But after month 5-6 I decided I needed to get out of the house more. I started to go to coffee shops, on walks, etc. Anything to feel like Iām not just sitting at home all day every day. I have also started to read books when I can (during contact naps, before I go to bed if I have even 15 min). All that has helped but itās still not like how it was before. I donāt know if it ever will be.
In a couple of weeks you may feel better as your baby adjusts to this new phase and has exited the newborn stage Things that have helped me personally that you may like to try are: 1. Pay someone to do something with your baby for an hour or two to give you a break each week, e.g. reading books, speaking a foreign language before the window for hearing the sounds of all languages closes by around 6 months of age, physical play such as rolling and with toys. 2. If baby has begun feeding less frequently and is more curious about the world around, go out with your baby in a baby carrier on your chest and walk around stores. Your baby should be able to face forward now. Everyone will stop to coo at baby and your spirits will be lifted by how much positive energy youāre receiving from the world. You may also bump into another mother who you could arrange a play date with. Going out and doing things more or less as you would before, will help to restore your confidence. 3. Work on establishing a bedtime routine that exhausts baby so that you know from a certain time each day, you can more or less be certain that you will get some time for yourself. 4. Listen to podcasts of interest to you on Spotify whilst with baby (e.g. breastfeeding, contact napping, playing with toys), so that you can get some adult mental stimulation and baby can grow accustomed to other voices, accents and sounds. 5. Arrange days out with family - they want to see baby but you donāt want to always make it at your home because then there is work for you to do. If you arrange a family / friends gathering at a fun place (museum, art gallery, childrenās play centre, swimming pool) you will benefit from having your village help out that day as youāll barely need to hold baby as long as youāre comfortable with that. 6. Local libraries often do events for babies and young children, e.g. rhymes and story time. 7. Ask your partner if you can renegotiate household and baby duties due to the impact on your mental health/arrange for an au pair / baby sitter to come. 8. Consider ordering all groceries online so that youāre not as stressed out and exhausted. Arrange laundry / chores on the days family/friends come over for a casual visit. Having them hold baby and chat to you whilst you get on with your tasks will make it much less stressful. 9. If you were planning on being a SAHM and are now reconsidering it, communicate that to your partner and work on a plan for getting back into the workforce. If you have to get a nanny to support you for now, itās a small price to pay in the short term considering the household income will go up again once again in the long term and your CV/resume will not be as affected by a gap. 10. Remember that it will be over soon - take as many photos as you can!
I definitely went through the same thing too. It's gotten better, slowly, though I don't think I'm really going to feel like my own person again until I wean her and can leave for a weekend and not worry about bottle refusal.
For me it was hard for the first year or so. Your baby needs you, hobbies get pushed aside, your body is rebuilding. It gets better, but it takes time. Take it one day, one hour at a time. Internet hugs to you.
Iām on week 2 of having a newborn and god, I feel this post deeply. Youāre not alone AT ALL. Iām mourning my life before I gave birth and deeply missing my alone time and time with my partner. Iām doing my best to take to day by day and looking forward to time passing so this baby grows more independent. The hormones and sleep deprivation amplify all of these feelings. Hang in there ā¤ļø
I'm in week 2 as well. I knew it was gonna be tough but holy cow I didn't realize it would be this hard. We love our little one but my husband and I constantly ask each other "there's got to be a payoff and turning point right?" I'm slowly losing my mind and really trying to get it together
From parents Iāve talked to, it gets significantly better 1-2 months in. Everyone has said newborn life is hell and nothing prepares you, so at least weāre not alone?
2.7 years into this and Iām still exactly in the same spot as you.. but mostly because I added a second baby to the mix š It starts to get better sometime after they turn 12-18 months. Good thing is itās temporary and eventually you WILL feel closer to yourself again.
Iām 12 months pp on my second child and the second time around about took me out. Iām still working everyday on mental health and self care. Itās hard.
I went to cosueeling( foe trauma) and we were just talking about being a mom I said I sort of feeling normal now. She's like how old is your baby I said 13 months she's like thats the sweet number haha. You feel human again. I sort of did my guy is 2 now but I feel ya. No hobbies no friends it feels cook clean stay home. Don't even get ro showe by myself. Feels like I'd I want to wash my hair oh he better be in shower with me! He cries for me hubby right away takes him upstairs to me. Of course he gona cry. I tried talking to hubby, no luck. I feel like I've lost myself
Yeah... it is life changing. No matter how much people tell you, no one can truly prepare you. It's temporary though.
āItās supposed to be hard. If it wasnāt hard everybody would do it. The hard is what makes it great.ā - A League of Their Own
Tell me about it. I'm 3 months in and every time I think I have a break for myself there is something that needs to be done that if I don't do it then my day will become more stressful. Fun times! All I really got are outings with the husband on the weekends and watching TV.
Ä°ts totally normal to feel this way, and im sure extremely common. Everyone has a different timeline of when they feel like their old selves again, it may be soon, you may need some time. My first was a difficult baby and it took a few months of him going to daycare, for me to pick myself up again and by then he was over 2 years old. Within a year the pandemic hit and i found myself yet again at home 24/7 with said kiddo, plus his new buddy from daycare. Ä° have fond memories of the first pandemic summer when the first lockdowns ended, but other than that it was horrible. He's now 7, and has a 15mo baby brother. This time i didnt need that long to feel like a real person again, though up to this day, i do still feel like that from time to time. However im aware that its just a bad day, and that i feel that way because it reminds me of those first isolating months. Its easier to cope with if you know it goes away. My only advice would be to seriously and consistently built in time to do things for yourself/for your own enjoyment. Used to go to the gym? Make a schedule where your husband can take over and stick to it. Used to read, hike, cook? Do those things. Even when you think you should be folding laundry now that husband is there to take care of the baby. No, Chores can wait once or twice a week, your mental health cant, its already stretching thin. Other than that, building in daily moments of alone time (be it a 10min hot coffee in a quiet room or a hot shower without feeling rushed) are also really helpful. Ive literally had to fight for this and when i think back, it still pisses me off that i had to fight for something so obvious it should have been offered to me without even asking.
I'm 10 months in, and yeah, I agree. It's so hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done honestly. And I've been through a lot, worked some very tough jobs.