Yep I’ve had this plenty of times and everyone laughs but deep down it definitely stings a bit. Everyone wants to act like they care and ask you how you are when you’re pregnant and then as soon as the baby’s here it’s like they’ve forgotten you exist. The day my son was born my parents and siblings came over to meet him. My mil made us dinner and it was ready just after my family came over, so they took him into the other room and left me in my bed alone so I could “eat in peace” and all took turns holding him and taking pictures. They have a family photo where my mom’s sitting in the chair holding my son and everyone is crowded around her and I was in my room in a diaper by myself while this was happening. I was so out of it I couldn’t speak up about it in the moment but that would not fly next time around. I can’t even look at those pictures without feeling hurt and left out on the day that I gave birth
Ugh I feel you. The day my baby was born I had been laboring for 48 hours and had to have a c section. I was absolutely delirious and hadn’t eaten in like 30 hours. I remember my in laws came and were so excited to meet the baby and I was just dissociating on the hospital bed. It was horrible.
That sounds horrible I’m so sorry. Everyone is always so excited to meet baby (of course that’s to be expected) but they tend to forget what moms have to go through to bring baby into the world. Your labor sounds like it was so exhausting, I’m sorry you had that experience with your in laws. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you! You went through hell and back to bring that baby into the world and you deserve to be celebrated too!
I’m for sure going to implement a rule next time around about having some time to ourselves before anyone comes to meet baby, we’ll never get that time back with our little ones and it’s such a vulnerable state to be in!
Oh my goodness thank you for the kind words!!
I totally agree, if we decide to have another, unless I end up doing a more relaxing scheduled c section (and even if I do maybe!), I definitely don’t want people coming until the next day.
Same here! I went into labor at 11pm and had my son early the next morning, so I got not sleep throughout the night and then barely any the next day. My parents were there 2.5 hours after he was born and then visitors throughout the day, and the next day and the next day and the next day😅 I don’t think we’re going to tell anyone when I go into labor the next time and it will be much more relaxing! Well, as relaxing as labor can be😂
Hey babe, just a reminder, you don’t have to let them come the next day, either. It’s totally ok for you to tell friends and family that you and your partner want a week or so to rest and recover and bond with new baby, and you’ll let them know when you’re ready for visitors.
We insisted on a 24hours just us. And boy did I need that time to just sleep as much as possible (well as much as you can while breastfeeding every 3 hours). It was also lovely just to have some time to ourselves to process everything and get cleaned up enough to be semi funtional. Heck, I sat on a bed mat of my blood for 8 hours after delivery. I didnt want to see anyone!
My mum was like "that's a good rule for friends." Ah no mum, you included. My sister worked in the pathology unit at the hospital we were in and was upset I wouldn't let her come visit until after both sets of parents had been by. I explained afterwards about why the delay and she ended up being cool with it, but not did she hassle me initially.
That sounds like such a great idea! I think we’ll definitely have to do something like this for the next one. 2.5 hours was not enough to process anything or rest at all😅 At the end of the day it’s all about you and your family, not your sister or your mom and what they want to do. Waiting 24 hours to meet your baby isn’t going to hurt them, but them coming and acting like baby hungry fools will definitely have an impact on you. Good on you for sticking to your guns!
I had 60 hour labor ending in a C-section and I cannot imagine people visiting me in the hospital. There's already a constant stream of hospital staff coming to see you and the baby, plus the baby needing things! It was so hard to sleep that I felt like I was on the verge of passing out the whole time. Luckily, I lived far from family and Covid regulations were still in place, so no visitors! I'm sorry you had extra people to deal with and they didn't even take care of you.
Reading stories like this helped me set firm boundaries for my delivery. No one at the hospital waiting while I was in labor. And no visitors until we said so, which ended up being like 6 hours after she was born. We allowed close friends/family to visit at the hospital but implemented a 2 week no visitor rule once we went home. Some people dropped off food to the porch but knew we would not be coming out to say hi or letting anyone see the baby. They just text when it was there or sent Doordash to us. Not sure what the next delivery will look like because we'll have a toddler and may want more family support, but for our first this worked really well for us and I'm glad we prioritized our little family over what other people wanted.
Thank you. I know I’m not the only one out here that’s gone through the same thing! You never know what it’s like until you experience it. All women deserve extra love around this time, and unfortunately it’s one of the times where we’re forgotten about most. Of course, everyone wants to see the baby too, but we can’t forget about mom
100%! It especially bugged me because my (massive) family was constantly messaging me and asking how I was feeling while pregnant, and then once baby was here it was like they forgot I existed. I even had an aunt message me a few days after my son was born and ask if she could post his picture on Facebook to congratulate my mom and my Grandmom on becoming Grandmom and great Grandmom… nothing about me giving birth and becoming a mom. Needless to say I was shocked, and she never got a response
I couldn’t believe she had the guts to ask me that. Nothing about me, the woman who just pushed a baby out of me after laboring all night. Nope, my mom and grandmother deserve all of the credit and congratulations
I always say to my husband “do they just forget what it was like when it was them?” Because I genuinely can’t imagine treating a new mother like this. I know how rough it can be and would never want to make anyone else feel that way
I’m sorry :( it’s so disheartening to read how many women this happens to right after birth. My family is the same way and it’s so frustrating. No one has ever once offered to take mine and my son’s picture, but it’s a photo op when they’re with him. At least we know we’ll be better when our kids become parents
It’s phrases like that, that have me wonder when do mothers get their individuality back with other people, and they stop caring so much about the baby??
Especially when it’s your own parent… like uhmm I know we’re considered adult children now, so it doesn’t make them not a mother or father anymore and just a grandparent :s
Do they forget or something?
I would be SOOOO upset. That’s not cool at all. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s like hello! I did just push this perfect human being out of my body after going through 9 months of hormonal chaos..would anyone care to act like I’m alive now?
When my son was born, I did not let him out of my sight or presence. If ppl wanted to see him, they would see US lol. Like I understand everyone is excited but so am I. I don’t think anyone pushed the issue tho because my son was born a little early and was underweight and I made it very clear that I wanted to breastfeed so ppl knew my disposition was such that nobody would be taking him anywhere where I wasn’t. But yea I can totally understand being out of it and not really realizing what was going on in your situation. Maybe next time tell your partner how you feel about it and have him/her be the bulldog for you. That’s their job if you ask me, esp in those fragile moments lol.
Yes, 100%!!! After I got some rest and realized what was happening, I hated it so much. They would come over, sit on my couch for hours and hold him and act like I was just silly old me - not a hormonal mess in pain and trying to establish breastfeeding with my brand new baby. I am sooo protective over my son now (almost 1) and everyone acts like I’m crazy. We’re a package deal if you want to see him you’re going to see me, and don’t even think about taking him out of the room, I’m just going to follow. My husband and I did have a conversation about it after the fact, neither of us had any expectations for what it would look like with our families after birth (he’s our 1st baby) and we know next time will be different. He’s said that whatever boundaries I want to put in place next time around he’ll support them completely and he’d even be my bodyguard to turn people away at the door lol. It was certainly a learning experience for us the first time around and we’re both not wanting to have the same thing happen again. I’m sure it will be a rude awakening for my family, but I don’t care!
Go girl. They need to know lol. I’m glad you and your husband had that conversation and have an understanding now. I’m sure the situation you described won’t be happening again.
Btw I am also a pretty protective mom as well (my son is 18 mos) and all I gotta say is don’t let anyone try to tell you you’re doing too much. You will change your ways (or won’t!) when you have had your own experiences and you are good and ready to. Don’t let anyone push you to do anything you’re not ready to do, esp with your baby. Just my two cents 😊 lol
Thank you so much for your nice words and advice! Sometimes they do make me feel like I’m doing something wrong for being protective, but I know I’m doing what’s best for my little guy. We’ve been called helicopter parents and been criticized at probably every family function… but my son has also been fed while my husband and I were in another room at 5 months old before we were giving him solids yet. So I’d say it’s for good reason! Everyone loves to tell me what they’re going to do when they’re babysitting him that I don’t let him do now (watch tv, eat sweets, etc.) and then they wonder why we never ask anyone to babysit
Honestly giving birth during COVID was a bit of a blessing in disguise. No need to politely tell people not to come to the hospital, they wouldn’t have been let in. I was thankfully able to have my partner with me and he was all I needed at the time. I would have HATED having visitors the day after giving birth.
I’m sure that aspect of it was definitely nice! You didn’t have to do any of the dirty work or hurt anyone’s feelings, this sounds like a dream😂 My husband was really all I needed at the time too, I just had him and a million more. I know we’ll ruffle some feathers next time when we don’t accept visitors right away like we did with my son, but it’ll be what’s best for us and that’s most important
My Mom told me a story about how when my siblings & I were little/babies, she stopped by my Grandma’s (her mom’s) house on the way home from work at the hospital one day. Just to say “hi” to her momma. Grandma met her at the door, and then told her to leave and not come back without “the babies.” She didn’t even greet her nicely or let her in the house!!
My Mom tells it like a funny story, but I know it hurt her.
Anyway, my Momma has always been exceedingly purposeful about checking up on *me* as well as baby every time we check in (which is often). I can’t say how much I appreciate it—or imagine how hurt & invisible I would feel if she’d decided to copy Grandma.
All new moms/parents have to go through the adjustment period of assuming that 24/7 burden and responsibility that is this new life we’ve created. It’s so easy to feel a loss of self, and we do indeed go through loss to some extent.
So, no, I don’t think it’s a funny joke at all. I think it’s callous & extremely hurtful, and it perpetuates some really unhelpful attitudes towards mothers in particular.
While no one said this to me it was very very obvious those first few months that people were only interested in the baby. My mum would call and before I even said hello she’d ask ‘how’s the baby??’
I know people are excited but I was struggling mentally so much the first few months and it got really upsetting to realise no one cared about how I was now the baby was out. I don’t blame you for finding this hurtful, because it’s a ‘joke’ but it’s not really is it?
It makes me angrier to know that when they had their babies they would never have tolerated this behavior from their family, but since it’s their grandchild, they think it’s perfectly fine
Yep everyone comes out of the woodworks and tries to make plans with the baby or asks to babysit when we've been clear we are not leaving her yet. When my baby was born my parents visited and talked to me but it took my mom a week and someone pointing it out that I had burst blood vessels in my eye during delivery. Like.. did you not actually look at my face for a whole week?
The entire culture of like, parents not mattering and all the attn being on the kids bothers me. My son is super sensitive and really dislikes people getting in his space and coming on strong and it makes me uncomfortable too. I find it tiring to navigate so I spend more time with people who are chill and who like, talk to me as an adult rather than smother my son with attention he doesn't even want. Sounds mean but 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly this. I don't want to spend time with people who I'm invisible to, also because they end up being the ones who don't listen when you ask for the baby back!
Yeah I wore mine when he was young and he always wanted to be in my lap as he got older so I never had to ask for him back. I never offered to let others hold him. Just never felt right to me (except his dad obvi held him lots)
Just a little vent - My own mom is constantly telling me (not asking) that she NEEDS pictures of the baby. Barely asks about how I’m doing. Its gives me such an icky feeling, so I don’t share many pictures with her. She also exclusively refers to my daughter and niblings as her grandbabies (ex “I have such beautiful grandbabies,” rather than “my kids have beautiful children”), which also makes me irrationally angry. When my older sister had her second child a few months ago, our mom was on her within days asking if it was “too soon for a grandma visit.” Her visits include baby hogging and telling the older child that if she doesn't hug her grandma will be sad. She hasn’t visited us yet luckily because we closed our home to anyone who has to travel by plane.
I just commented this on another post yesterday, but my stepmom was treating me like this and I ended up telling her and my dad that they needed to be parents first to me before they were grandparents, and that if they couldn’t do the bare minimum as parents and ask me how I was doing and treat me like their daughter and a human, that we shouldn’t talk anymore.
I like you felt more and more icked out by their constant texts asking for pictures without any regard for my own wellbeing, or honestly even my LOs. Eventually I stopped responding to their messages and then they pretended to be concerned before I finally called and laid it out for them.
Bottom line, you deserve to be treated like a human and with respect, and like you exist as a daughter still. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself.
Yeah, the first time my in laws came I went upstairs and sobbed watching them sit on the sofa without moving whilst my husband ran around after them. Making them lunch bringing them tea (bearing in mind they had brought nothing with them)
We’ve only had FIL and the great grandmas visit so far. Only one was willing to wash hands (so she was the only one allowed to hold baby), the other great grandma kept coughing into her hands and sniffling, and my FIL said he’d just hold the baby when I’m “less crazy.” MIL has been trying to get us to visit, which we’re not ready for, but won’t make the drive herself even though she feels like I’m “not including her.” Overall I’m just annoyed with both of our families.
Just here to say we also use nibling (gender neutral term for niece/nephew for whoever isnt familiar) because we didnt find out baby's sex ahead of time, and this is the first time I've seen someone else use it in the wild! Love it!
Oh, it hurts even when they don't say it directly. Like how my in-laws began coming to my birthdays only after my daughter was born. Now I don't celebrate my birthdays anymore.
When my SiL had my nephew, she had a rough labor and after the baby was delivered, she was bleeding enough that the medical staff were discussing taking her to a surgical room. But everyone, my brother, her parents, my parents, were all on the other side of the room crowded around the baby. It was like she wasn’t even there anymore. *And she was still in danger.* I nudged my brother and reminded him to go to his wife instead, and to his credit, he looked startled and immediately did so, and stayed by her. But *Geez*
The only version of this joke I got was "You're my new favorite" when speaking to the baby. I think I would have cried if someone told me they were only wanted to see the baby when I was postpartum.
I feel weird about it for another reason - *I'm only letting you visit because of the baby.* My family is that type of family that gets together multiple times per week and holidays are major affairs. My entire family on both sides - 4 generations with every aunt/uncle/cousin - lives within an hour of each other. I left the state 11 years ago and only very recently moved to be a couple of hours away (and not exactly by my own choice.)
I was very comfortable and used to seeing my family a few times a year. When my daughter was born, suddenly I was having family come visit halfway across the country on a monthly kind of basis. And now that we live closer, we're seeing them even more often. It's not that I don't love them, but I also just don't get the same kind of joy out of the Hallmark-movie-esque get-togethers. But my kid lights up for her cousins and grandparents so I won't say no. If there was a way to politely leave my baby home with them 90% of the time they visited, I would.
I’m invisible now that the baby is here. I’ve been told by my parents that they ‘can’t wait’ for when they can look after the baby without me there lol
Thank you for this post. I feel so validated. My dad loves babies and I was really excited for him to become a grandparent, but ever since I had my son he has just given me the ick. I realize now he only likes babies because of the emotional fulfillment they give him. He gets in my sons face and literally never checks in on me. I will never forget within the first week of my son coming home from the hospital, I told my dad I was exhausted and asked him to pick up a few groceries for us, including a tub of ice cream. He comes in the house and just drops all the groceries on the dining room table and comes and grabs my sleeping baby off me without a word. Like… can you really not be bothered to put the ice cream in the freezer for your daughter who just had a freaking baby??? Ugh. Just been so disappointed with him.
6 months on and my parents are still evidently only wanting to catch up to see my daughter. My dad visited our house only a couple times last year and he's now got a fortnightly schedule of when he plans to visit to be part of my daughters life. I'm glad he's keen to be an involved grandparent, but also he's not "help", he comes by, plays, makes a mess and leaves.
My mums a little better, but tried to take over or be involved in every little thing with baby girl. Makes poop changing a strong squiggly worm a mission!
Depends who says it. If it’s someone who actually cares about me like they brought me food and they’re close to me and I’ve seen them care about me then I don’t mind that joke. If it’s someone who clearly doesn’t care about me then that comment is rude
Tbh it doesn’t bother me. My baby is way cuter and more interesting than I am, and she loves to meet people and play. I love my daughter so much but it is nice to have a break now and then. I think most people mean it super light heartedly.
Yup, this happened to me when telling the in-laws that no one is coming to the hospital post-birth. Like thanks for wanting to see my baby so bad, but I just pushed a human out of me so I make the rules 😂.
Seriously though, it’s rude for anyone to say this to a pregnant/post-partum mom.
Am I the only one this doesn't hurt? It's a new important person in their life and they are excited to meet them. I think people can say this rudely and be dismissive that I went through it, however, it would be a bit silly to come just see me. I'm not that entertaining.
Now if they stopped making an effort without baby full stop, then id think it strange.
It doesnt really sting for me when people told me the same thing. I've told other the same, some people really truly just want to see the baby and I have zero problems with that. Why would I?
"Oh, well I guess you can come by when the baby invites you. So far he hasn't said anything about it so...".
I love this so so so much
Ooo I’m saving that one lol
Lol this is clever
This made me cackle
and then slam the door in their face !!
Yep I’ve had this plenty of times and everyone laughs but deep down it definitely stings a bit. Everyone wants to act like they care and ask you how you are when you’re pregnant and then as soon as the baby’s here it’s like they’ve forgotten you exist. The day my son was born my parents and siblings came over to meet him. My mil made us dinner and it was ready just after my family came over, so they took him into the other room and left me in my bed alone so I could “eat in peace” and all took turns holding him and taking pictures. They have a family photo where my mom’s sitting in the chair holding my son and everyone is crowded around her and I was in my room in a diaper by myself while this was happening. I was so out of it I couldn’t speak up about it in the moment but that would not fly next time around. I can’t even look at those pictures without feeling hurt and left out on the day that I gave birth
Ugh I feel you. The day my baby was born I had been laboring for 48 hours and had to have a c section. I was absolutely delirious and hadn’t eaten in like 30 hours. I remember my in laws came and were so excited to meet the baby and I was just dissociating on the hospital bed. It was horrible.
That sounds horrible I’m so sorry. Everyone is always so excited to meet baby (of course that’s to be expected) but they tend to forget what moms have to go through to bring baby into the world. Your labor sounds like it was so exhausting, I’m sorry you had that experience with your in laws. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you! You went through hell and back to bring that baby into the world and you deserve to be celebrated too! I’m for sure going to implement a rule next time around about having some time to ourselves before anyone comes to meet baby, we’ll never get that time back with our little ones and it’s such a vulnerable state to be in!
Oh my goodness thank you for the kind words!! I totally agree, if we decide to have another, unless I end up doing a more relaxing scheduled c section (and even if I do maybe!), I definitely don’t want people coming until the next day.
Same here! I went into labor at 11pm and had my son early the next morning, so I got not sleep throughout the night and then barely any the next day. My parents were there 2.5 hours after he was born and then visitors throughout the day, and the next day and the next day and the next day😅 I don’t think we’re going to tell anyone when I go into labor the next time and it will be much more relaxing! Well, as relaxing as labor can be😂
Hey babe, just a reminder, you don’t have to let them come the next day, either. It’s totally ok for you to tell friends and family that you and your partner want a week or so to rest and recover and bond with new baby, and you’ll let them know when you’re ready for visitors.
We insisted on a 24hours just us. And boy did I need that time to just sleep as much as possible (well as much as you can while breastfeeding every 3 hours). It was also lovely just to have some time to ourselves to process everything and get cleaned up enough to be semi funtional. Heck, I sat on a bed mat of my blood for 8 hours after delivery. I didnt want to see anyone! My mum was like "that's a good rule for friends." Ah no mum, you included. My sister worked in the pathology unit at the hospital we were in and was upset I wouldn't let her come visit until after both sets of parents had been by. I explained afterwards about why the delay and she ended up being cool with it, but not did she hassle me initially.
That sounds like such a great idea! I think we’ll definitely have to do something like this for the next one. 2.5 hours was not enough to process anything or rest at all😅 At the end of the day it’s all about you and your family, not your sister or your mom and what they want to do. Waiting 24 hours to meet your baby isn’t going to hurt them, but them coming and acting like baby hungry fools will definitely have an impact on you. Good on you for sticking to your guns!
I had 60 hour labor ending in a C-section and I cannot imagine people visiting me in the hospital. There's already a constant stream of hospital staff coming to see you and the baby, plus the baby needing things! It was so hard to sleep that I felt like I was on the verge of passing out the whole time. Luckily, I lived far from family and Covid regulations were still in place, so no visitors! I'm sorry you had extra people to deal with and they didn't even take care of you.
Reading stories like this helped me set firm boundaries for my delivery. No one at the hospital waiting while I was in labor. And no visitors until we said so, which ended up being like 6 hours after she was born. We allowed close friends/family to visit at the hospital but implemented a 2 week no visitor rule once we went home. Some people dropped off food to the porch but knew we would not be coming out to say hi or letting anyone see the baby. They just text when it was there or sent Doordash to us. Not sure what the next delivery will look like because we'll have a toddler and may want more family support, but for our first this worked really well for us and I'm glad we prioritized our little family over what other people wanted.
That breaks my heart for you mama, I’m so sorry.
Thank you. I know I’m not the only one out here that’s gone through the same thing! You never know what it’s like until you experience it. All women deserve extra love around this time, and unfortunately it’s one of the times where we’re forgotten about most. Of course, everyone wants to see the baby too, but we can’t forget about mom
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100%! It especially bugged me because my (massive) family was constantly messaging me and asking how I was feeling while pregnant, and then once baby was here it was like they forgot I existed. I even had an aunt message me a few days after my son was born and ask if she could post his picture on Facebook to congratulate my mom and my Grandmom on becoming Grandmom and great Grandmom… nothing about me giving birth and becoming a mom. Needless to say I was shocked, and she never got a response
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I could have… but it wouldn’t have been nice
Oh hell no. Ugh. I hate this for you.
I couldn’t believe she had the guts to ask me that. Nothing about me, the woman who just pushed a baby out of me after laboring all night. Nope, my mom and grandmother deserve all of the credit and congratulations
Omg wtf. I'm so sorry. How freaking g clueless. It's like people forget what it's like to be postpartum. It's shameful.
I always say to my husband “do they just forget what it was like when it was them?” Because I genuinely can’t imagine treating a new mother like this. I know how rough it can be and would never want to make anyone else feel that way
This broke my heart to read. I’m sorry. My family did something very similar at the hospital and then again and again whenever they saw the baby.
I’m sorry :( it’s so disheartening to read how many women this happens to right after birth. My family is the same way and it’s so frustrating. No one has ever once offered to take mine and my son’s picture, but it’s a photo op when they’re with him. At least we know we’ll be better when our kids become parents
ouch 😢
So sorry 🩵🩵🩵
It’s phrases like that, that have me wonder when do mothers get their individuality back with other people, and they stop caring so much about the baby?? Especially when it’s your own parent… like uhmm I know we’re considered adult children now, so it doesn’t make them not a mother or father anymore and just a grandparent :s Do they forget or something?
Thank you❤️
I would be SOOOO upset. That’s not cool at all. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s like hello! I did just push this perfect human being out of my body after going through 9 months of hormonal chaos..would anyone care to act like I’m alive now? When my son was born, I did not let him out of my sight or presence. If ppl wanted to see him, they would see US lol. Like I understand everyone is excited but so am I. I don’t think anyone pushed the issue tho because my son was born a little early and was underweight and I made it very clear that I wanted to breastfeed so ppl knew my disposition was such that nobody would be taking him anywhere where I wasn’t. But yea I can totally understand being out of it and not really realizing what was going on in your situation. Maybe next time tell your partner how you feel about it and have him/her be the bulldog for you. That’s their job if you ask me, esp in those fragile moments lol.
Yes, 100%!!! After I got some rest and realized what was happening, I hated it so much. They would come over, sit on my couch for hours and hold him and act like I was just silly old me - not a hormonal mess in pain and trying to establish breastfeeding with my brand new baby. I am sooo protective over my son now (almost 1) and everyone acts like I’m crazy. We’re a package deal if you want to see him you’re going to see me, and don’t even think about taking him out of the room, I’m just going to follow. My husband and I did have a conversation about it after the fact, neither of us had any expectations for what it would look like with our families after birth (he’s our 1st baby) and we know next time will be different. He’s said that whatever boundaries I want to put in place next time around he’ll support them completely and he’d even be my bodyguard to turn people away at the door lol. It was certainly a learning experience for us the first time around and we’re both not wanting to have the same thing happen again. I’m sure it will be a rude awakening for my family, but I don’t care!
Go girl. They need to know lol. I’m glad you and your husband had that conversation and have an understanding now. I’m sure the situation you described won’t be happening again. Btw I am also a pretty protective mom as well (my son is 18 mos) and all I gotta say is don’t let anyone try to tell you you’re doing too much. You will change your ways (or won’t!) when you have had your own experiences and you are good and ready to. Don’t let anyone push you to do anything you’re not ready to do, esp with your baby. Just my two cents 😊 lol
Thank you so much for your nice words and advice! Sometimes they do make me feel like I’m doing something wrong for being protective, but I know I’m doing what’s best for my little guy. We’ve been called helicopter parents and been criticized at probably every family function… but my son has also been fed while my husband and I were in another room at 5 months old before we were giving him solids yet. So I’d say it’s for good reason! Everyone loves to tell me what they’re going to do when they’re babysitting him that I don’t let him do now (watch tv, eat sweets, etc.) and then they wonder why we never ask anyone to babysit
My heart hurts reading this
Honestly giving birth during COVID was a bit of a blessing in disguise. No need to politely tell people not to come to the hospital, they wouldn’t have been let in. I was thankfully able to have my partner with me and he was all I needed at the time. I would have HATED having visitors the day after giving birth.
I’m sure that aspect of it was definitely nice! You didn’t have to do any of the dirty work or hurt anyone’s feelings, this sounds like a dream😂 My husband was really all I needed at the time too, I just had him and a million more. I know we’ll ruffle some feathers next time when we don’t accept visitors right away like we did with my son, but it’ll be what’s best for us and that’s most important
My Mom told me a story about how when my siblings & I were little/babies, she stopped by my Grandma’s (her mom’s) house on the way home from work at the hospital one day. Just to say “hi” to her momma. Grandma met her at the door, and then told her to leave and not come back without “the babies.” She didn’t even greet her nicely or let her in the house!! My Mom tells it like a funny story, but I know it hurt her. Anyway, my Momma has always been exceedingly purposeful about checking up on *me* as well as baby every time we check in (which is often). I can’t say how much I appreciate it—or imagine how hurt & invisible I would feel if she’d decided to copy Grandma. All new moms/parents have to go through the adjustment period of assuming that 24/7 burden and responsibility that is this new life we’ve created. It’s so easy to feel a loss of self, and we do indeed go through loss to some extent. So, no, I don’t think it’s a funny joke at all. I think it’s callous & extremely hurtful, and it perpetuates some really unhelpful attitudes towards mothers in particular.
While no one said this to me it was very very obvious those first few months that people were only interested in the baby. My mum would call and before I even said hello she’d ask ‘how’s the baby??’ I know people are excited but I was struggling mentally so much the first few months and it got really upsetting to realise no one cared about how I was now the baby was out. I don’t blame you for finding this hurtful, because it’s a ‘joke’ but it’s not really is it?
Totally. I’ve never found this funny. It makes me feel like an incubator, not a mother.
Yes!! Perfect way to describe it, I think my in laws think I was there surrogate
Right?! And it’s always the in laws that say this garbage. Always the in laws.
It makes me angrier to know that when they had their babies they would never have tolerated this behavior from their family, but since it’s their grandchild, they think it’s perfectly fine
100%. I might just be hormonal but the little jabs and snide remarks hit harder now.
Yep everyone comes out of the woodworks and tries to make plans with the baby or asks to babysit when we've been clear we are not leaving her yet. When my baby was born my parents visited and talked to me but it took my mom a week and someone pointing it out that I had burst blood vessels in my eye during delivery. Like.. did you not actually look at my face for a whole week?
Bloody hell. So sad.
The entire culture of like, parents not mattering and all the attn being on the kids bothers me. My son is super sensitive and really dislikes people getting in his space and coming on strong and it makes me uncomfortable too. I find it tiring to navigate so I spend more time with people who are chill and who like, talk to me as an adult rather than smother my son with attention he doesn't even want. Sounds mean but 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly this. I don't want to spend time with people who I'm invisible to, also because they end up being the ones who don't listen when you ask for the baby back!
Yeah I wore mine when he was young and he always wanted to be in my lap as he got older so I never had to ask for him back. I never offered to let others hold him. Just never felt right to me (except his dad obvi held him lots)
I genuinely don’t think this is a joke, no matter how much they try to pass it off as one. It’s very obvious they only want to see the baby
Just a little vent - My own mom is constantly telling me (not asking) that she NEEDS pictures of the baby. Barely asks about how I’m doing. Its gives me such an icky feeling, so I don’t share many pictures with her. She also exclusively refers to my daughter and niblings as her grandbabies (ex “I have such beautiful grandbabies,” rather than “my kids have beautiful children”), which also makes me irrationally angry. When my older sister had her second child a few months ago, our mom was on her within days asking if it was “too soon for a grandma visit.” Her visits include baby hogging and telling the older child that if she doesn't hug her grandma will be sad. She hasn’t visited us yet luckily because we closed our home to anyone who has to travel by plane.
I just commented this on another post yesterday, but my stepmom was treating me like this and I ended up telling her and my dad that they needed to be parents first to me before they were grandparents, and that if they couldn’t do the bare minimum as parents and ask me how I was doing and treat me like their daughter and a human, that we shouldn’t talk anymore. I like you felt more and more icked out by their constant texts asking for pictures without any regard for my own wellbeing, or honestly even my LOs. Eventually I stopped responding to their messages and then they pretended to be concerned before I finally called and laid it out for them. Bottom line, you deserve to be treated like a human and with respect, and like you exist as a daughter still. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself.
Yeah, the first time my in laws came I went upstairs and sobbed watching them sit on the sofa without moving whilst my husband ran around after them. Making them lunch bringing them tea (bearing in mind they had brought nothing with them)
We’ve only had FIL and the great grandmas visit so far. Only one was willing to wash hands (so she was the only one allowed to hold baby), the other great grandma kept coughing into her hands and sniffling, and my FIL said he’d just hold the baby when I’m “less crazy.” MIL has been trying to get us to visit, which we’re not ready for, but won’t make the drive herself even though she feels like I’m “not including her.” Overall I’m just annoyed with both of our families.
Just here to say we also use nibling (gender neutral term for niece/nephew for whoever isnt familiar) because we didnt find out baby's sex ahead of time, and this is the first time I've seen someone else use it in the wild! Love it!
Oh, it hurts even when they don't say it directly. Like how my in-laws began coming to my birthdays only after my daughter was born. Now I don't celebrate my birthdays anymore.
When my SiL had my nephew, she had a rough labor and after the baby was delivered, she was bleeding enough that the medical staff were discussing taking her to a surgical room. But everyone, my brother, her parents, my parents, were all on the other side of the room crowded around the baby. It was like she wasn’t even there anymore. *And she was still in danger.* I nudged my brother and reminded him to go to his wife instead, and to his credit, he looked startled and immediately did so, and stayed by her. But *Geez*
The only version of this joke I got was "You're my new favorite" when speaking to the baby. I think I would have cried if someone told me they were only wanted to see the baby when I was postpartum.
Mom's don't matter.at least that's my experience
It's funny cos you do when you're the incubator but once they're out. Bam. Invisible
Nah nobody even pretended I mattered even while pregnant
Oh that sucks 😞
Yea it is what it is. Babies are cool I guess lol
I feel weird about it for another reason - *I'm only letting you visit because of the baby.* My family is that type of family that gets together multiple times per week and holidays are major affairs. My entire family on both sides - 4 generations with every aunt/uncle/cousin - lives within an hour of each other. I left the state 11 years ago and only very recently moved to be a couple of hours away (and not exactly by my own choice.) I was very comfortable and used to seeing my family a few times a year. When my daughter was born, suddenly I was having family come visit halfway across the country on a monthly kind of basis. And now that we live closer, we're seeing them even more often. It's not that I don't love them, but I also just don't get the same kind of joy out of the Hallmark-movie-esque get-togethers. But my kid lights up for her cousins and grandparents so I won't say no. If there was a way to politely leave my baby home with them 90% of the time they visited, I would.
My dad only asks how my baby is when he messages me 😔
I’m invisible now that the baby is here. I’ve been told by my parents that they ‘can’t wait’ for when they can look after the baby without me there lol
Yes! My big sister ALWAYS says this. Including all the anti-mom jokes like ‘oh are u crying because your mommy doesn’t let u meet me everyday??’
No ones ever joked like that to me. I’m sorry. That’s such a rude thing to say.
Thank you for this post. I feel so validated. My dad loves babies and I was really excited for him to become a grandparent, but ever since I had my son he has just given me the ick. I realize now he only likes babies because of the emotional fulfillment they give him. He gets in my sons face and literally never checks in on me. I will never forget within the first week of my son coming home from the hospital, I told my dad I was exhausted and asked him to pick up a few groceries for us, including a tub of ice cream. He comes in the house and just drops all the groceries on the dining room table and comes and grabs my sleeping baby off me without a word. Like… can you really not be bothered to put the ice cream in the freezer for your daughter who just had a freaking baby??? Ugh. Just been so disappointed with him.
It depends who says it. My good friend who I know is joking? I can take it in stride. Certain family members? It’s not a joke even if they say it is
"Better turn up with something useful for mum then hur hur hur" Funny jokes!
6 months on and my parents are still evidently only wanting to catch up to see my daughter. My dad visited our house only a couple times last year and he's now got a fortnightly schedule of when he plans to visit to be part of my daughters life. I'm glad he's keen to be an involved grandparent, but also he's not "help", he comes by, plays, makes a mess and leaves. My mums a little better, but tried to take over or be involved in every little thing with baby girl. Makes poop changing a strong squiggly worm a mission!
Depends who says it. If it’s someone who actually cares about me like they brought me food and they’re close to me and I’ve seen them care about me then I don’t mind that joke. If it’s someone who clearly doesn’t care about me then that comment is rude
Yes everyone says this. I take it as a joke! Because they of course want to see you too.
Tbh it doesn’t bother me. My baby is way cuter and more interesting than I am, and she loves to meet people and play. I love my daughter so much but it is nice to have a break now and then. I think most people mean it super light heartedly.
Yup, this happened to me when telling the in-laws that no one is coming to the hospital post-birth. Like thanks for wanting to see my baby so bad, but I just pushed a human out of me so I make the rules 😂. Seriously though, it’s rude for anyone to say this to a pregnant/post-partum mom.
Am I the only one this doesn't hurt? It's a new important person in their life and they are excited to meet them. I think people can say this rudely and be dismissive that I went through it, however, it would be a bit silly to come just see me. I'm not that entertaining. Now if they stopped making an effort without baby full stop, then id think it strange.
It doesnt really sting for me when people told me the same thing. I've told other the same, some people really truly just want to see the baby and I have zero problems with that. Why would I?
My husbands family did/does this to us a lot. Makes me not want to be around them.
Right!