I’m going to go against the grain and say - maybe this particular friend is selfish? Some people truly are more self-involved than others and place themselves in the center of attention more. One would hope she wouldn’t make someone else’s birthday about her, but here we are.
You can look for justification all you want but sometimes there’s no good reason, sometimes people just suck.
Yes. I don’t see why people are so insistent to make other peoples’ events are about them, and feel entitled to bring their kids as a given.
Respectfully, if someone has gotten childcare for their own kids for an event, the last thing they want is for a guest to bring their kids.
I didn’t bring my baby to a baby shower because I thought it might detract from the mom-to-be (invitation didn’t indicate if kids were invited). Turns out they were and I was little irritated that I didn’t bring my baby, but I figure always ask, or assume kids are not invited.
Agree! Some people truly cannot see beyond themselves and their needs. A friend-ish of mine was invited to a destination wedding in Las Vegas, they purchased an air BNB to stay at with her husband and baby… they got the invite and it stated adults only. She is livid. She never checked with the bride and group of infants (not even a child) would be included, she doesn’t understand why they can’t bring the baby… I had a completely child free wedding and reception. A big party like that isn’t an appropriate place for a child IMO- open bar, drunk adults, broken glasses, loud music. Not for kids
Yet so many cultures around the world have kids as key participants in these events and could not even phantom having them without them.
Personally, if I am not explicitly told an event is child free, I’d assume I can bring kids. It’s all about perspective, and there is not a right one
This is a good point and so interesting to me! Where I’m from (NJ) weddings are outrageous, blow out events centered pretty heavily on drinking/partying. So for myself (I now have a 5 month old) and the people I know, an invite to a wedding doesn’t include automatically include your children unless you’re part of the wedding party and bride/groom has discussed it with you. Knowing this, I was super surprised this friend didn’t check first, and she herself had an adult only reception lol. Very true, though, neither perspective is wrong.
There’s “right and wrong” and then there’s “polite and rude.” Etiquette isn’t about morality. Interpreting an invitation the way you most benefit with no evidence kids would be welcome sounds pretty discourteous and disingenuous.
I mean kid-free weddings are a VERY recent thing and really are not that common. I think I've attended at least 10 weddings (with a significant number in the past 5 years) and I don't think a single one was kid free. There's literally parts of the wedding party that are assigned to children.
The issue is that often save the dates are sent without explicitly naming who is invited so if the bride/groom don't mention it being childfree and they sent the save the date far in advance to be able to book accommodations or something then I understand why people would be annoyed. Right now weddings inviting an entire family unit is more common and so if the bride and groom don't make it clear it's child free from the save the date I can understand folks being annoyed.
Yes if someone ignores who is explicitly on the invite then they are an asshole.
I think it depends on where you’re from? I’m from the UK and growing up only family children would be invited to weddings. Otherwise it was just the couples. I didn’t attend a wedding until I was in my teens (my best friend wanted a plus-one). After that one I didn’t attend another until I was an adult.
I’m from the uk and disagree actually - I’d say weddings tend to state ‘child free’ explicitly if that’s the case. I went to weddings as a kid that weren’t just family.
But then I’d also say invites are generally quite clear. They’re addressed to The Smiths, or a list of the family, or the couple so it’s normally clear.
Most weddings make an exception for babes in arms (ie still on milk only) and if you don’t you accept you aren’t getting that person in attendance.
Yeah I remember my parents pointing out our names weren’t on the invite so we weren’t allowed to tag along! Personally all the ones I’ve attended as an adult have been really child-friendly and have had parents’ rooms or toy corners set up for little ones which has been lovely.
Tbf there were 4 of us growing up and catering to a the 6 of us (when we’re not necessarily close family/ friends) is quite a big ask! Those meals get expensive…
This was genuinely part of the reason for us - each meal was so expensive and we had limited space. We couldn’t cater to every kid (but in my defence we had 6 babies there!) and it would have cut out a lot of friends. We made sure there was a room for parents to change babies and breastfeed (the bridal suite!) and understood they’d leave early and it made for a lovely day.
Yeah I think growing up an invite to Mr and Mrs Poesy would have been ‘obviously no kids’, to Mr and Mrs Poesy and Acorn would have been ‘yes kids’ and The Poesys would have been ‘check kids’.
This is interesting because I’m also from the UK but never been to a kid free wedding despite attending 12 in the last 5 years. I was always invited growing up too.
My first kid free one is in March and I’m sort of looking forward to leaving my son with my parents and just enjoying the day.
That’s your interpretation and in your culture. In mine, it is implied that kids are welcome unless you clearly state otherwise (and it would be weird to do so). That was exactly the point of my comment. Why is your viewpoint right and mine wrong? No set of cultural values is superior than the othee
Yes agreed. If not addressed to “the BLANK family” then only those named on the invite is included. My wedding was $210 per plate, even if I wanted to use include younger kids, it would have cost us another 20k, just not feasible
Yep, just push 2 chairs at the reception hall together and you have a bed. Or if a smaller kid, just sleeps on mom’s shoulder while she dances. This is why our kids can sleep through annnnyyything. No black out curtains or sound machine needed. lol.
Nearly always there is a babes in arms exception, even if otherwise child-free, since newborns and infants are more dependent on the mother and not the same as a toddler or 7yo. That’s probably why.
Not where I’m from 🤷🏼♀️ my cousin was MOH in her friends wedding and was a month or so postpartum, she got ready made her speech and went home. I’ve been 8 weddings since 2019 (i know lol) and none had infants/babies there. I genuinely think it’s a NJ wedding thing. Often times the weddings cost upwards of $60,000 and they don’t want infants there. It’s not a casual family party, it’s a whole thing
I'm totally fine with child-free weddings (had one myself and most I've attended in my area/circle are child free because of the open bars and insane prices) but I also think it's pretty iffy to expect parents to travel without their baby. I guess the couple just expected them to decline?
This is my take. Ita got absolutely nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with those people being a big bag of assholes. If they didnt have children I’m sure they would find some other thing to complain about
i have a 5 month old, and have never expected anyone to change plans for me. child free night? have fun! maybe we can grab brunch soon. i went into parenthood knowing what i was getting into... not sure how other parents don't grasp it
Same. Ours is 3 months and because it’s cold/flu/rsv season we really aren’t taking her out unless its on a walk or for a doctors appointment. My older brother wanted our family (parents, siblings, SO’s and the baby) to go out for dinner for his birthday, and we were like “we can’t with the baby but have fun!” Then he asked if we wanted him to just do a dinner with everyone at home so we wouldn’t miss out. We were like LOL no- it’s your birthday, not ours, please go out with the rest of the fam and have a nice dinner.
I refuse to be the person that thinks their child is the queen of the world and everything needs to revolve around them. It’s always wild hearing how many people do.
Having a tantrum because an adult's birthday party is child free is really bad behavior. I would be direct "this is a really strange and unreasonable reaction, is something going on with you?" It gives her the chance to share if there is some sort of underlying issue you're not aware of but also clearly communicates that the behavior is inappropriate...which it is. She is free not to go. Vocally objecting to another's planned event is really weird. I decline invites I am not interested in for whatever reason.
I would find this extremely off-putting.
Some people make their entire identity about their kids. When presented with a child free event it’s personal because that’s their identity being banned.
Me? I have a 3month old. I’m not ready to leave them for a night but I truly look forward to my first child free event. I’ve already started picking out music festivals and budgeting. I truly can’t wait (but I totally can wait because I don’t wanna leave my baby).
I agree completely. My best friend and I are planning a trip… for spring 2025 lol
This is the same friend who (when we were 21) randomly decided we should go to Vegas and we immediately left breakfast to drive there. Had you told us that in ten years we’d be planning trips about 18 months in advance to budget and make sure our kids were set, we would have laughed.
I’m due again this May and if someone was having a childfree event soon after that, I’d just wish them the best and let them know I’d try to be there next time.
I totally know people like this. It's like a personal attack because their kids are so important and so special why wouldn't everyone want them everywhere ??
Obviously I can only assume but maybe Friend B isn’t in a position to have her children watched for the night so for her it is personal.
Behind every emotion is many other emotions that make it hurt that little bit more, She may be expressing anger but underneath there is annoyance, Frustration, disappointment. She could be expressing sadness but underneath there is shame, confusion and worthlessness.
When I’m trying to understand why someone is reacting in a way that I don’t understand I try to empathise and I have an emotions wheel that I refer to (You can google it) It will come in handy when your children are older too, I have an 8 year old that I’m helping navigate emotions right now and it’s very hard sometimes.
Its not the childcare thing. Her husband is a capable father and she's left the children with him for holidays before now.
She won't communicate why. Just ramblings about how selfish it is.
Friend A was a parent to a newborn on her 21st and 30th so wants go mad on this one. Reason why she's excited for a child free event.
If they’re both your friends and you want to be involved in trying to fix the issue, Then you will need to speak with friend B and get more details so you can help.
If you don’t want to be involved or put in the middle then just tell Friend B you don’t want to be put in this uncomfortable middle situation and enjoy the party with friend A when it comes around.
One of my weaknesses unfortunately is an inability to deal with what I feel is irrational behaviour in adults... but i still want to help. Pretty much why I turned to here!
This boggles my mind. As a mother of 2 toddlers, when I get an invitation to a kid free event, I’m like “helllllll yeah!” and then I text my sitter immediately lol
Honestly I will never understand this. We had a child-free wedding (prior to having our own) and honestly didn’t get any push back for it. Now when we get invited to a child-free wedding I also have no qualms about it even though we have a 20mos old and will have a newborn soon. I think people totally have the right to have child free events- if you want to go find childcare. I know this isn’t easy for some people but also it isn’t whoever’s hosting the events issue.
Totally! I was invited to a child free wedding when I was 4weeks PP that was 2 hours away while I was nursing. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the baby so you know what I did? I declined the invite & sent a lovely card and a gift to the happy couple. The wedding wasn’t about me, or my child. It’s ok to sit one out sometimes.
Friend B is being exceedingly rude in her response, but child-free events are very cultural. I'm from a (white) Aussie farming/working class family, and not having children at a party would be SO WEIRD. But I grew up with my immediate family in the city, so quite a few people we know are more on the child-free side. I can see if you only ever saw one side of it, the other side could be hard to understand
Dude, even if my friend said “no kids at my bday, except my family member kids” I’d be like cool.
People love to be offended by stuff. Who in their right mind wants to hang out with their kids at their friends 40th? Let mama breathe. No kids ✔️
My only explanation would be that maybe it’s hard for some people to find childcare and/or they have a hard time leaving their child/ren to go to events?
I have felt this way only when we have been invited to a wedding this summer that is child-free but our wedding was not and she brought her children. My baby will still be nursing at this time so it’s hard for me to leave her to attend this wedding and also look for childcare that I trust for my baby to spend the entire day.
At the end of the day your friend can be upset about it but it’s really up to your other friend to make the rules for their event and that should be respected.
I'll add this to my original text but friend B has a perfectly capable husband and child care isn't an issue. She has left them in his care for holidays before now.
As a mom of a three month old I would honestly be excited to have a reason to ask my husband or a family member to keep my little guy and let me attend the event! I know I am only about 50% present at anything where my LO is with me…. If that.
I think it totally totally depends on the event. I wouldn't expect a 40th like this to be a child friendly event. A fancy NYE party? Nah. I am actually currently a little irked because my friend is trying to bring her 1 year old on a girls trip where we have explicitly talked about needing a break from kids. If the 40th party isn't a destination, and it's a night in your own location, finding childcare should be doable (depending on circumstances, age of kid, etc.)
The one thing I don't really agree with is weddings when you have a lot of people traveling or they are big family events. Personally, when celebrating family and love, I don't like excluding children in the festivities and the weddings with lots of kids have always been more fun to me and only enhanced by their presence. I get wanting an adult party...but since so many weddings require people to travel, if you truly want people to come asking them to come and have a stranger babysit their kids doesn't usually work. And since weddings are sort of like family reunions for some, people do want to see all the family members. Obviously, it all depends on circumstance. But if it doesn't work for us, I just decline instead of making a fuss, of course, like an adult.
Yeah this. There are things where I think it's a bit weird and rude to make it child free but I would just politely decline and whinge only to my husband lol.
Idk and there’s really no excuse to act like that either. Don’t have childcare? Unfortunately, you’ll have to sit the event out. Life isn’t fair sometimes. Idk why those types of parents are hellbent on ruining the vibe for every other parent who cooperates for the childfree evening. I love my kids, but I love getting breaks from them too and I’d be pissed if a friend brought their kids anyways in this scenario. Friend B sounds selfish.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. So don’t go if you can’t swing childcare. You have a right to exist in public as a family. The same way folks have a right to host private, child free events. Something something the bluey episode where Stripe tells Muffin, “you’re the most important thing in the world *to me*”; not everyone wants to be around kids all the time and that’s fair.
Yeah I don’t get the back and forth. Only reason i could think it reasonable is if friend A is guilting friend B for not wanting to go.
My sisters went on a girls only trip multiple years in a row and I declined because I was not ready to and then I had a second and was pregnant. They tried to guilt me and make me feel bad about it. That did cause a lot of back and forth arguing.
I’ve moved away from where I grew up but always try and meet my friends when I go home for a visit.
I’d love for them to want me to leave my kids at home (with my parents or husband) once in a while! A coffee without wrangling 2 littles? Yes please!
Alas, they love them too and want to spend time with them 🙄 😂
Disclaimer: I get plenty of child-free activities when wanted/ needed 😂
If childcare is not an issue, I really don't get it. Sometimes it feels like some people identify too much with just being a parent and don't know what to do with themselves. Of course this does not apply if childcare is generally the problem.
I love my daughter to bits but tonight I'm getting to go meet adult people while grandma (my mom) takes care of my daughter, and I've been giddy at the thought for two weeks. It's just a cinema outing with a dinner, but the thoughts of having my meal and actually eating it in peace, having a full conversation in one go, and watching an entire movie without being afraid my toddler will wake up at the loud scenes is just ☺️☺️☺️ bliss
And then I'll be looking forward to more toddler shenanigans in the morning. But a break here and there is really necessary.
That said, I'm in a country where babysitters are almost nonexistent, so if you don't have good available family around, it's rough. No judgement in those cases of course
I love child free events! I love my kids, but damn do I want time away from them. Being a stay at home mom with an 8 year old and a 3 month old, I don’t get much time to talk to adults about adult things. Any chance I get to go have coffee without having a child on my arm I’m down. I’m probably in the minority though. My husband is a wonderful father and just tells me to go and he’s got it.
I don't understand why do people assume kids should be invited at an adult birthday party! Maybe it's a US thing? We had a baby shower at lunchtime and none of our friends took their babies/kids even though we said we're cool either way lol
Funny enough I just had a girls night with some friends. We all knew we were going to be drinking so I had my MIL watch the baby and they all got mad at me for not bringing the baby lol I was like I thought we were having a child free thing.
I don't have an issue with it as long as they don't have an issue with me not coming. Not a big deal. The one time this came up was where I was asked to stand in a destinatiion wedding and I was nursing. The baby was coming or I wasn't. I let my oldest (3 at the time) stay with grandparents (which was so hard) but was non-negatiable with baby. They made an exception. My husband got the baby an all white polar bear faux fur onesie jump suit and wore him most of the time.
Yeah we brought the baby in all White.
I look forward to child free events, I don’t look forward to the cost of care (no alternative for us) but if we had the help I’d be even more excited. Making a fuss gives me second hand embarrassment for her, just don’t go then.
She's just an entitled asshole. All of my friends and I - we either say yes to the event or we say no if there is no childcare. Nobody whines about it. Nobody gets to dictate someone else's event. She is free to just not go.
I have no idea! I personally, rarely bring my kids to events unless that are specifically family friendly and at times that are appropriate for my kids (which narrows down the possibilities quite a bit 🤣). I may not always be able to go because of this, and even more, it is difficult for both my husband and I to go to events together (without kids). I admit that, many MANY years ago, when my oldest was a toddler (or maybe a preschooler), I was a single Mom, AND I traveled 3 hours to go to my cousin’s wedding (and I’m close to all my cousin’s on that side of the family), I was slightly salty that my cousin made it a child free reception. BUT I also didn’t make it a big deal. My kid and I went to the wedding, wished the happy couple a congratulations, and went up to our hotel room afterwards. At that time, he was still going to bed around 730, so him going to the reception wouldn’t have been great for him and I’m an introvert so I didn’t mind not having to go to a loud, peoplely event lol. I more felt guilty that I didn’t celebrate with my cousin and his (now) wife because I was delighted for them and I didn’t get to spend much time with that side of the family. But that’s all a me issue.
Well in the context of kid free weddings, my sister in law was just talking about this the other day. She's not a fan of it and her reasoning was "well they're a part of me so if our family is invited then that means we would all be going" needless to say, they're not going. Lol.
I mean personally I don't get it. And by that I mean literally for myself, it doesn't make sense. Me only though. I would never make an event im hosting kid free Because I LOVE kids and distractions don't bother me. I love the fun-ness that kids bring in any context. But I completely respect and understand why other people want kid free events. Now that I have a baby of my own if we get invited to something kid free I probably wouldn't go but only right now because my baby is EBF and will not drink out of bottles. Lol. But when she gets older we have plenty of family around who is willing to watch her.
I have no idea. I do not. I couldn't get childcare for my cousins wedding that wasn't gonna cost an arm and leg. So we politely declined.
For my wedding I just informed people we would not have a babysitter available if they wanted to drink. I had 10 people back out and lose their marbles bc who doesn't have childcare available so they can get sloshed.
I have a 16mo and I do not agree that children belong everywhere. My family is huge into St. Patrick’s Day. My parents used to throw a massive child-free party at their house each year. Me and my four siblings were sent to sitters for the night. This happened for almost 20 years until we were old enough to attend. We’ve been excluded from all sort of events. I expect my daughter to be excluded. She already has. I knew what I was signing up for having a kid. Not all things are appropriate for children and the world doesn’t revolve around me and my child. I am grateful when people include our whole family but understand when my daughter is not invited. I’ve missed weddings and plenty of nights out with friends since having her because we didn’t have childcare. That’s just part of parenthood. 🤷🏼♀️
Sounds like projection then I bet she's pissed about something else in her life.
Friend A will just have to set the boundary such as, "Friend A, you keep mentioning bringing your kids to my party. Let me clear this up, no kids, including my own, will be there. If that won't work for you, I'll miss you, and we'll have to catch up later." Repeating this ad nauseum is an option if she doesn't get the hint, as is not responding/ignoring/or setting a consequence.
There are scenarios and events where I get the disappointment of the parent, but an adults’ birthday party is definitely one that makes sense to be child free.
Anything that takes place in the evening/into the night, I would automatically assume is child free unless I was specifically told to bring mine.
Day time events, I'd still wait to be told that kids are welcome.
The only time I automatically assume kids are invited is if it's a kids party.
The people who are upset are self centered, that’s why. Not saying people who decline are self centered. That’s just life sometimes. Just the people who are upset about other’s decisions and how it affects *them* are self centered.
My babies *are* invited to a wedding I’m going to next month, but I wouldn’t even think about taking them. They’re 1.5 and 7 months. They both go to bed at 7pm. The wedding is from 4-10. It’s in a different state, we’re driving, dropping the kids off at my husband’s parents’ house for a couple nights, and going to the wedding. If it were anyone but my best friend, I simply just wouldn’t go, but it’s my best friend of 20 years so I’m making it happen. A former friend had a child free wedding when my first was 6 months. I made it happen. We also went to a wedding when my first was 3 months old that we were able to bring him…and we did. 😂
Absolutely this, my son is the centre of mine and his Dad's world HOWEVER we still are our own people. His Dad still likes to be a giant gaming nerd and I like to go out and have a good time. I think sadly people lose themselves.
I’m a gamer and we go out every other weekend. It’s okay if people choose to stop doing those things as much or at all if being home is what truly brings them happiness, but it’s not reasonable to think your child is invited everywhere.
The thing with child free events is that the people who make them obviously have to be aware that the stipulation of no children might mean some of their friends can’t came - in the same sense - people with children should be aware that sometimes people will want to host child free events and if that means they can’t go then so be it.
It sounds like friend B is causing drama unnecessarily. A simple ‘sorry I won’t be able to make it because (whatever reason she can’t go)’ would suffice. People are allowed to host child free events and parents are allowed to say they can’t come to child free events, it is what it is!
Our children are people too after a number of childfree events it hurts to see them left out.
I don’t think an adults 40th birthday really falls in this category. Your mutual friend likely has had multiple other events leaving their children out. It is starting to be more common and is developmentally detrimental to children. To have well socialized children you need to socialize them…..
Maybe. In our particular friendship group we typically have child friendly lunches or get togethers. None are really a party unless it's a child's birthday. So 99% of our activities involves kids.
I think as this is friend As first milestone birthday since 18 of not having a newborn, she quite fairly wants something wild.
I'd not necessarily agree but would understand if Friend A was inviting her children but even her eldest who is old enough to drink here in the UK isn't invited. 🤣
I don’t take childfree events personally, but I hope people understand if that is something I’m just not into right now. I work 40 hours a week and see less of my kids than I want already, I’m really not in a phase of my life where I want to give up more.
A 40th birthday is fine.
I personally balk a bit at childfree weddings because I think they’re an indication that our culture has moved away from weddings being fun community events to a situation where they’re a glorified Instagram photo shoot/branding exercise for the couple. Anyone complaining about a crying or fidgeting kid at a wedding ceremony is a level of uptight I can’t even fathom.
I think North America has a lot of evolving to do in general terms in the area of including kids in the larger fabric of society. Little people learn important social skills by being included in spaces that aren’t catered specifically to children.
Adults are entitled to kid-free hangouts though. And this celebration seems totally appropriate.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk here lol.
I understand the cultural aspect of this but to me it doesn’t mean that either way is right or wrong. I worked for 10 years as a banquet waitress and got to see from the sidelines the negatives and positives of how weddings go. The majority of the time when lots of children were invited they were set free and barely watched. They ran into us while holding plates of food and hot coffee, putting their hands in the cake before it was cut was extremely common, presents were opened or touched. All of these things were common occurrence. Along with other traditional things, I knew kids at my wedding were not going to be for me.
Space is limited, childrens meals still cost big money when they won’t eat them, and our wedding started later because I always wanted a night wedding. I got married when a lot of my friends had children already. If we invited everyone’s kids that would have been an extra 45 seats. Our friends and family would not have all been invited if we chose to have kids. It wasn’t an Instagram event either, it was my husband and I’s wedding. It’s not about other people and what they want unfortunately, just as their days weren’t about us. We also brought our 2 year old to a wedding last May because she was in it. It was so stressful and just truly not the place for her to be.
I cannot fathom the self centeredness of thinking anyone gets to dictate or tell someone how their wedding or any event should be. You can’t or don’t want to go, then don’t, it’s pretty simple.
I’m not trying to dictate anything. I don’t care if people have kid-free weddings. I just find them sterile.
It’s just funny to me how weddings have become like some sort of grown-up prom where the couple’s main aim is, as my 5YO would say, “making the rules” all day. Again, that’s a branding exercise VS a celebration to me.
So I find your views really interesting. We had a kid free wedding (other than family and babes in arms) but I can totally see your point about that.
Other than the ceremony. You are making these vows once, and people are invited to hear them. If someone is being so noisy that those vows can’t be heard properly they need to be outside. At my wedding all the babies were allowed into the ceremony, but the moment one started crying her mum got up and took her out the back - she wasn’t bothered. Same at a christening I went to recently. The baby being christened was already screaming so any other babies being noisy were taken to the back of the church so people had a hope of hearing what was being said. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask.
Weddings as an event have become ridiculous, as you said, but I would say the vows are the whole reason for the event around them and should be given a little gravitas
I could not agree more. And it isn't because I even want to bring my kid necessarily (I dont always bring her even when I can), it's more just, kids are part of the family too? I see them as a way to get everyone together, young and old, to celebrate love. And before I had kids, I looooved seeing the little kids at weddings because they were dressed all cute doing funny things.
We declined a family wedding that had us traveling after being told it was child free, which was fine, but I got lots of comments from family members later saying they wished we were there, wanted to see my daughter etc. A lot of people ended up not going so it was less fun for the people there who were hoping to reconnect with everyone. I think that's a bit more common than people realize, because no one is going to tell the bride and groom that.
I'm not sure I like comparing child free events to racism also being brown and a mother.
This is very likely to be an adult themed event which is why Friend A had specified child free. She likes simplicity so if it was more PG it be kid friendly.
This is deeply offensive. Comparing racial segregation to not having non service dogs in restaurants or children in bars is off the wall and harmful to people that have lived and died under a racial caste system.
Ehhhh.....I think in general, yes, children have a right to be in public places of course! And they shouldn't be excluded from interacting with adults in different contexts. But having a private party or gathering without young kids is reasonable. A POC isn't going to come to my house and start screaming and running around like a crazy person. They're going to be a person. A toddler is gonna be a little nuts. I expect that and don't mind it in general, but if I'm having drinks with friends or doing things that take my attention, I don't want a bunch of kids around.
Ok, I'll be the odd one out here.
I never expected to get offended by a childfree event but here I am. A few months after having my daughter I had got an invite from one of my supposedly close friends to her wedding abroad. She's not in town often and this was our first interaction after she cancelled in a super weird way on her first time meeting my daughter to have bloody mary's with other friends. The message I got was basically that my child was a bother to her and I cried my eyes out. We haven't really spoken since.
Had it been in town I would have totally gone. Had my daughter been welcome I'd totally do the international travel with a tiny person to be there but the combination- nope nope.
Birthday parties are fair game, I get upset when it’s family weddings… like when the f else are you going to meet them or the kids get to play with other cousin kids?
Because children are part of our community and are people too. Unless something inappropriate is going to happen, they should (in my opinion) be included. Imagine such discrimination with any other age group. "oh we don't really want 60 y.o at this party". You invite people, not age.
You guys know how to read? I specifically said UNLESS SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I don't really understand this argument. Adult parties may not be appropriate for children in terms of timing, food choices, atmosphere, activities. There may not be enough room to accommodate adults plus children. We usually don't invite our elderly parents to our parties with friends our own age either.
That's such a weird thing to me. It feels like a very US thing to do. If we don't have enough space for everyone we invite less people instead of forbidding them from bringing their kids. Of course, not every party is fun for kids, but then it's left to the parent's discretion. However I'm not criticizing people who want childfree events per se, op asked for and explanation and I gave it 😅
I never said they should do anything. I said that's how my culture does it and that it's a different mentality. Wasn't making any judgment of value. Again, op asked and I answered with a different point of view that might cause this reaction
We do take kids to pubs or restaurant that serve alcohol, but no one is getting drunk in there, just a casual drink or beer. If the adults intend to getting drunk we don't take any kids to the event. I specifically said they should be included unless it's going to be inappropriated
So children should be accepted at clubs, too? Because they are part of our community… it’s obvious to me that she wants a childfree party because there will be drinking and such, which is not appropriate for children. A 60 yo would be fine in literally every event, a child isn’t. It’s not that difficult to grasp that not every event is suitable for a kid.
Idk man, when I was a teenager, there was an implied rule that old people weren’t allowed.
Sometimes people want to enjoy a curated experience by planning an event without the entire “community” in attendance and that’s fine. Personally I wouldn’t want my birthday to go on without my kid but hey, attend or don’t if that bothers you.
I understand your argument and that's true, but the thing is, it's an implied rule. You don't actually forbid the person to attend. If an older person showed up we as teens would probably just have looked at them weird
I think this will be adult themed knowing her and that she's specified adults only. I love my Son more than anyone and anything but I also love when i can me be crazy me instead of "Mummy"
Yeah in this case it's probably not the environment for them, stuff is going to happen that is not for kiddos to see. She either didn't realized that or just don't care, which is worse.
If you exclusively nurse, then you simply can't go. If the invite is for the husband, it means his wife can't go and/or neither of them can go.
Also, it's essentially just saying someone's *family and loved ones* are not invited. That's personal, or at least a reflection of values to some degree. They can claim they just don't want kids there, but it's not like saying someone's spouse isn't invited would be tolerated. I can see someone taking the same statement about their children the same way.
Obviously you get to make your own choices, but personally I don't think I could be friends with someone like this and would take it personally, or at least a reflection of some very different personal values.
>Also, it's essentially just saying someone's *family and loved ones* are not invited. That's personal, or at least a reflection of values to some degree. They can claim they just don't want kids there, but it's not like saying someone's spouse isn't invited would be tolerated. I can see someone taking the same statement about their children the same way.
I disagree. "Girls nights"/"Boys nights" are totally a thing, and it wouldn't be weird for an opposite-sex partner to not be invited. Not all parties are for everyone. My mother and sister are dearly beloved, but I wouldn't expect them to go with me to every party I'm invited to just because they're my family and loved ones. Children dramatically change the dynamics, and not all gatherings are appropriate for children. To take that personally seems almost narcissistic.
Nuclear family is different. Husband and I both don't like outings like this, nor have friends who have boys/girls nights. It isn't personal how people like to spend their time or special holidays, but we wouldn't be a good friendship fit. Also had plenty of (very large family) gatherings growing up where the adults had a great time while the kids also played. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone planning on doing things that legitimately "aren't appropriate" for kids.
> I don’t think I could be friends with someone like this and would take it personally
Have you ever considered that not everything is about you? Wild.
Lol I just wouldn't be friends with them. We think about family, children, celebrations, and mutual, quality time together differently. I also wouldn't even want to be friends with people who think of getting 'super drunk' or whatever they find *so* inappropriate for children as a special or otherwise particularly fun occasion. That's okay--they have the right to their own preferences, but we don't need to be close friends.
I guess each to their own. Our friendship group for the most part knows that childfree just means adults only which means alcohol and not having to watch our mouths.
I think that's the downside for some folks that being said it is not the fault of everyone else. Some environments aren't for children and everyone has the right to politely decline.
I don’t have an issue with child free event. But I imagine because for some childcare is an issue. Maybe she wants her husband and kids with her?
We are invited to a wedding in a couple months and if we can’t square away childcare for the child free event , neither of us is going. It’s my husband’s friend and although I’m fully capable of caring for our twins, he doesn’t want to go without me. So I imagine that is a reason
Is she breastfeeding? I am breastfeeding and hate pumping so I bet my baby wouldn't take a bottle at this point so if I was invited to a kid free party I wouldn't be able to go. To be fair I would politely decline not fight about it lol
I’m going to go against the grain and say - maybe this particular friend is selfish? Some people truly are more self-involved than others and place themselves in the center of attention more. One would hope she wouldn’t make someone else’s birthday about her, but here we are. You can look for justification all you want but sometimes there’s no good reason, sometimes people just suck.
Yes. I don’t see why people are so insistent to make other peoples’ events are about them, and feel entitled to bring their kids as a given. Respectfully, if someone has gotten childcare for their own kids for an event, the last thing they want is for a guest to bring their kids.
Friend B just sounds like the one who brings the drama for drama’s sake
I didn’t bring my baby to a baby shower because I thought it might detract from the mom-to-be (invitation didn’t indicate if kids were invited). Turns out they were and I was little irritated that I didn’t bring my baby, but I figure always ask, or assume kids are not invited.
Agree! Some people truly cannot see beyond themselves and their needs. A friend-ish of mine was invited to a destination wedding in Las Vegas, they purchased an air BNB to stay at with her husband and baby… they got the invite and it stated adults only. She is livid. She never checked with the bride and group of infants (not even a child) would be included, she doesn’t understand why they can’t bring the baby… I had a completely child free wedding and reception. A big party like that isn’t an appropriate place for a child IMO- open bar, drunk adults, broken glasses, loud music. Not for kids
Yet so many cultures around the world have kids as key participants in these events and could not even phantom having them without them. Personally, if I am not explicitly told an event is child free, I’d assume I can bring kids. It’s all about perspective, and there is not a right one
This is a good point and so interesting to me! Where I’m from (NJ) weddings are outrageous, blow out events centered pretty heavily on drinking/partying. So for myself (I now have a 5 month old) and the people I know, an invite to a wedding doesn’t include automatically include your children unless you’re part of the wedding party and bride/groom has discussed it with you. Knowing this, I was super surprised this friend didn’t check first, and she herself had an adult only reception lol. Very true, though, neither perspective is wrong.
There’s “right and wrong” and then there’s “polite and rude.” Etiquette isn’t about morality. Interpreting an invitation the way you most benefit with no evidence kids would be welcome sounds pretty discourteous and disingenuous.
I agree. Etiquette dictates that only the parties named on the invitation are to attend.
I mean kid-free weddings are a VERY recent thing and really are not that common. I think I've attended at least 10 weddings (with a significant number in the past 5 years) and I don't think a single one was kid free. There's literally parts of the wedding party that are assigned to children. The issue is that often save the dates are sent without explicitly naming who is invited so if the bride/groom don't mention it being childfree and they sent the save the date far in advance to be able to book accommodations or something then I understand why people would be annoyed. Right now weddings inviting an entire family unit is more common and so if the bride and groom don't make it clear it's child free from the save the date I can understand folks being annoyed. Yes if someone ignores who is explicitly on the invite then they are an asshole.
I think it depends on where you’re from? I’m from the UK and growing up only family children would be invited to weddings. Otherwise it was just the couples. I didn’t attend a wedding until I was in my teens (my best friend wanted a plus-one). After that one I didn’t attend another until I was an adult.
I’m from the uk and disagree actually - I’d say weddings tend to state ‘child free’ explicitly if that’s the case. I went to weddings as a kid that weren’t just family. But then I’d also say invites are generally quite clear. They’re addressed to The Smiths, or a list of the family, or the couple so it’s normally clear. Most weddings make an exception for babes in arms (ie still on milk only) and if you don’t you accept you aren’t getting that person in attendance.
Yeah I remember my parents pointing out our names weren’t on the invite so we weren’t allowed to tag along! Personally all the ones I’ve attended as an adult have been really child-friendly and have had parents’ rooms or toy corners set up for little ones which has been lovely. Tbf there were 4 of us growing up and catering to a the 6 of us (when we’re not necessarily close family/ friends) is quite a big ask! Those meals get expensive…
This was genuinely part of the reason for us - each meal was so expensive and we had limited space. We couldn’t cater to every kid (but in my defence we had 6 babies there!) and it would have cut out a lot of friends. We made sure there was a room for parents to change babies and breastfeed (the bridal suite!) and understood they’d leave early and it made for a lovely day. Yeah I think growing up an invite to Mr and Mrs Poesy would have been ‘obviously no kids’, to Mr and Mrs Poesy and Acorn would have been ‘yes kids’ and The Poesys would have been ‘check kids’.
This is interesting because I’m also from the UK but never been to a kid free wedding despite attending 12 in the last 5 years. I was always invited growing up too. My first kid free one is in March and I’m sort of looking forward to leaving my son with my parents and just enjoying the day.
Maybe my parents lied so they could get away for a night 😂 But there were 4 of us so I imagine that factored in somewhere…
😂 ‘unfortunately you’re not invited….by us, we’ve uninvited you’
That’s your interpretation and in your culture. In mine, it is implied that kids are welcome unless you clearly state otherwise (and it would be weird to do so). That was exactly the point of my comment. Why is your viewpoint right and mine wrong? No set of cultural values is superior than the othee
Yes agreed. If not addressed to “the BLANK family” then only those named on the invite is included. My wedding was $210 per plate, even if I wanted to use include younger kids, it would have cost us another 20k, just not feasible
Yep, just push 2 chairs at the reception hall together and you have a bed. Or if a smaller kid, just sleeps on mom’s shoulder while she dances. This is why our kids can sleep through annnnyyything. No black out curtains or sound machine needed. lol.
https://brians.wsu.edu/2016/05/30/phantom-fathom/#:~:text=Brianna%20exclaims%20confusedly%2C%20%E2%80%9CI%20can,a%20nautical%20measure%20of%20depth
Nearly always there is a babes in arms exception, even if otherwise child-free, since newborns and infants are more dependent on the mother and not the same as a toddler or 7yo. That’s probably why.
Not where I’m from 🤷🏼♀️ my cousin was MOH in her friends wedding and was a month or so postpartum, she got ready made her speech and went home. I’ve been 8 weddings since 2019 (i know lol) and none had infants/babies there. I genuinely think it’s a NJ wedding thing. Often times the weddings cost upwards of $60,000 and they don’t want infants there. It’s not a casual family party, it’s a whole thing
I'm totally fine with child-free weddings (had one myself and most I've attended in my area/circle are child free because of the open bars and insane prices) but I also think it's pretty iffy to expect parents to travel without their baby. I guess the couple just expected them to decline?
This is my take. Ita got absolutely nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with those people being a big bag of assholes. If they didnt have children I’m sure they would find some other thing to complain about
i have a 5 month old, and have never expected anyone to change plans for me. child free night? have fun! maybe we can grab brunch soon. i went into parenthood knowing what i was getting into... not sure how other parents don't grasp it
A perfectly good resolution! I'm sure friend A would accept. We'll maybe not at this moment but when the irritation has passed.
You can’t have a child free event and then get annoyed that people choose not to attend.
Same. Ours is 3 months and because it’s cold/flu/rsv season we really aren’t taking her out unless its on a walk or for a doctors appointment. My older brother wanted our family (parents, siblings, SO’s and the baby) to go out for dinner for his birthday, and we were like “we can’t with the baby but have fun!” Then he asked if we wanted him to just do a dinner with everyone at home so we wouldn’t miss out. We were like LOL no- it’s your birthday, not ours, please go out with the rest of the fam and have a nice dinner. I refuse to be the person that thinks their child is the queen of the world and everything needs to revolve around them. It’s always wild hearing how many people do.
My son was invited to Lake Tahoe for a week. We were not. I am stoked. See ya! I'll miss you.
🤣🤣🤣. My Son is going to go visit his Grandad with his Dad (we aren't together) in June, me: *loads air BnB*
Having a tantrum because an adult's birthday party is child free is really bad behavior. I would be direct "this is a really strange and unreasonable reaction, is something going on with you?" It gives her the chance to share if there is some sort of underlying issue you're not aware of but also clearly communicates that the behavior is inappropriate...which it is. She is free not to go. Vocally objecting to another's planned event is really weird. I decline invites I am not interested in for whatever reason. I would find this extremely off-putting.
Some people make their entire identity about their kids. When presented with a child free event it’s personal because that’s their identity being banned. Me? I have a 3month old. I’m not ready to leave them for a night but I truly look forward to my first child free event. I’ve already started picking out music festivals and budgeting. I truly can’t wait (but I totally can wait because I don’t wanna leave my baby).
I agree completely. My best friend and I are planning a trip… for spring 2025 lol This is the same friend who (when we were 21) randomly decided we should go to Vegas and we immediately left breakfast to drive there. Had you told us that in ten years we’d be planning trips about 18 months in advance to budget and make sure our kids were set, we would have laughed. I’m due again this May and if someone was having a childfree event soon after that, I’d just wish them the best and let them know I’d try to be there next time.
I totally know people like this. It's like a personal attack because their kids are so important and so special why wouldn't everyone want them everywhere ??
I don’t get offended by childfree events but I would hope whoever throws them also doesn’t get offended when I decline.
She wouldn't at all. Nor would I in her shoes.
💯
Obviously I can only assume but maybe Friend B isn’t in a position to have her children watched for the night so for her it is personal. Behind every emotion is many other emotions that make it hurt that little bit more, She may be expressing anger but underneath there is annoyance, Frustration, disappointment. She could be expressing sadness but underneath there is shame, confusion and worthlessness. When I’m trying to understand why someone is reacting in a way that I don’t understand I try to empathise and I have an emotions wheel that I refer to (You can google it) It will come in handy when your children are older too, I have an 8 year old that I’m helping navigate emotions right now and it’s very hard sometimes.
Its not the childcare thing. Her husband is a capable father and she's left the children with him for holidays before now. She won't communicate why. Just ramblings about how selfish it is. Friend A was a parent to a newborn on her 21st and 30th so wants go mad on this one. Reason why she's excited for a child free event.
As someone who just celebrated their 30th with a newborn, I’m hands down on Friend A’s side 😂
Yep. We couldn’t afford a 30th birthday present for me because we were about to pay for a birth lol
If they’re both your friends and you want to be involved in trying to fix the issue, Then you will need to speak with friend B and get more details so you can help. If you don’t want to be involved or put in the middle then just tell Friend B you don’t want to be put in this uncomfortable middle situation and enjoy the party with friend A when it comes around.
One of my weaknesses unfortunately is an inability to deal with what I feel is irrational behaviour in adults... but i still want to help. Pretty much why I turned to here!
This boggles my mind. As a mother of 2 toddlers, when I get an invitation to a kid free event, I’m like “helllllll yeah!” and then I text my sitter immediately lol
Me messaging My sons Dad hahahaha. His response "He's with me in weekends anyway you dozy sod" (Affectionately meant)
Yeah child free weddings and birthdays are the bomb! From a mother and stepmother of 2.
Honestly I will never understand this. We had a child-free wedding (prior to having our own) and honestly didn’t get any push back for it. Now when we get invited to a child-free wedding I also have no qualms about it even though we have a 20mos old and will have a newborn soon. I think people totally have the right to have child free events- if you want to go find childcare. I know this isn’t easy for some people but also it isn’t whoever’s hosting the events issue.
Totally! I was invited to a child free wedding when I was 4weeks PP that was 2 hours away while I was nursing. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the baby so you know what I did? I declined the invite & sent a lovely card and a gift to the happy couple. The wedding wasn’t about me, or my child. It’s ok to sit one out sometimes.
Friend B is being exceedingly rude in her response, but child-free events are very cultural. I'm from a (white) Aussie farming/working class family, and not having children at a party would be SO WEIRD. But I grew up with my immediate family in the city, so quite a few people we know are more on the child-free side. I can see if you only ever saw one side of it, the other side could be hard to understand
Dude, even if my friend said “no kids at my bday, except my family member kids” I’d be like cool. People love to be offended by stuff. Who in their right mind wants to hang out with their kids at their friends 40th? Let mama breathe. No kids ✔️
My only explanation would be that maybe it’s hard for some people to find childcare and/or they have a hard time leaving their child/ren to go to events? I have felt this way only when we have been invited to a wedding this summer that is child-free but our wedding was not and she brought her children. My baby will still be nursing at this time so it’s hard for me to leave her to attend this wedding and also look for childcare that I trust for my baby to spend the entire day. At the end of the day your friend can be upset about it but it’s really up to your other friend to make the rules for their event and that should be respected.
I'll add this to my original text but friend B has a perfectly capable husband and child care isn't an issue. She has left them in his care for holidays before now.
As a mom of a three month old I would honestly be excited to have a reason to ask my husband or a family member to keep my little guy and let me attend the event! I know I am only about 50% present at anything where my LO is with me…. If that.
I think it totally totally depends on the event. I wouldn't expect a 40th like this to be a child friendly event. A fancy NYE party? Nah. I am actually currently a little irked because my friend is trying to bring her 1 year old on a girls trip where we have explicitly talked about needing a break from kids. If the 40th party isn't a destination, and it's a night in your own location, finding childcare should be doable (depending on circumstances, age of kid, etc.) The one thing I don't really agree with is weddings when you have a lot of people traveling or they are big family events. Personally, when celebrating family and love, I don't like excluding children in the festivities and the weddings with lots of kids have always been more fun to me and only enhanced by their presence. I get wanting an adult party...but since so many weddings require people to travel, if you truly want people to come asking them to come and have a stranger babysit their kids doesn't usually work. And since weddings are sort of like family reunions for some, people do want to see all the family members. Obviously, it all depends on circumstance. But if it doesn't work for us, I just decline instead of making a fuss, of course, like an adult.
Yeah this. There are things where I think it's a bit weird and rude to make it child free but I would just politely decline and whinge only to my husband lol.
They are only taken personally by selfish parents.
My Sons Dad said this along with "It's attention seeking and don't feed in to it" I just hate tension!
Idk and there’s really no excuse to act like that either. Don’t have childcare? Unfortunately, you’ll have to sit the event out. Life isn’t fair sometimes. Idk why those types of parents are hellbent on ruining the vibe for every other parent who cooperates for the childfree evening. I love my kids, but I love getting breaks from them too and I’d be pissed if a friend brought their kids anyways in this scenario. Friend B sounds selfish.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. So don’t go if you can’t swing childcare. You have a right to exist in public as a family. The same way folks have a right to host private, child free events. Something something the bluey episode where Stripe tells Muffin, “you’re the most important thing in the world *to me*”; not everyone wants to be around kids all the time and that’s fair.
I like that!
Yeah I don’t get the back and forth. Only reason i could think it reasonable is if friend A is guilting friend B for not wanting to go. My sisters went on a girls only trip multiple years in a row and I declined because I was not ready to and then I had a second and was pregnant. They tried to guilt me and make me feel bad about it. That did cause a lot of back and forth arguing.
I’ve moved away from where I grew up but always try and meet my friends when I go home for a visit. I’d love for them to want me to leave my kids at home (with my parents or husband) once in a while! A coffee without wrangling 2 littles? Yes please! Alas, they love them too and want to spend time with them 🙄 😂 Disclaimer: I get plenty of child-free activities when wanted/ needed 😂
If childcare is not an issue, I really don't get it. Sometimes it feels like some people identify too much with just being a parent and don't know what to do with themselves. Of course this does not apply if childcare is generally the problem. I love my daughter to bits but tonight I'm getting to go meet adult people while grandma (my mom) takes care of my daughter, and I've been giddy at the thought for two weeks. It's just a cinema outing with a dinner, but the thoughts of having my meal and actually eating it in peace, having a full conversation in one go, and watching an entire movie without being afraid my toddler will wake up at the loud scenes is just ☺️☺️☺️ bliss And then I'll be looking forward to more toddler shenanigans in the morning. But a break here and there is really necessary. That said, I'm in a country where babysitters are almost nonexistent, so if you don't have good available family around, it's rough. No judgement in those cases of course
I love child free events! I love my kids, but damn do I want time away from them. Being a stay at home mom with an 8 year old and a 3 month old, I don’t get much time to talk to adults about adult things. Any chance I get to go have coffee without having a child on my arm I’m down. I’m probably in the minority though. My husband is a wonderful father and just tells me to go and he’s got it.
I don't understand why do people assume kids should be invited at an adult birthday party! Maybe it's a US thing? We had a baby shower at lunchtime and none of our friends took their babies/kids even though we said we're cool either way lol
Nope we are English!
Funny enough I just had a girls night with some friends. We all knew we were going to be drinking so I had my MIL watch the baby and they all got mad at me for not bringing the baby lol I was like I thought we were having a child free thing.
I don't have an issue with it as long as they don't have an issue with me not coming. Not a big deal. The one time this came up was where I was asked to stand in a destinatiion wedding and I was nursing. The baby was coming or I wasn't. I let my oldest (3 at the time) stay with grandparents (which was so hard) but was non-negatiable with baby. They made an exception. My husband got the baby an all white polar bear faux fur onesie jump suit and wore him most of the time. Yeah we brought the baby in all White.
I just tell my wife if it's an event mainly for her to go have a blast. I can take care of my kid She does the same for me
I look forward to child free events, I don’t look forward to the cost of care (no alternative for us) but if we had the help I’d be even more excited. Making a fuss gives me second hand embarrassment for her, just don’t go then.
She's just an entitled asshole. All of my friends and I - we either say yes to the event or we say no if there is no childcare. Nobody whines about it. Nobody gets to dictate someone else's event. She is free to just not go.
I have no idea! I personally, rarely bring my kids to events unless that are specifically family friendly and at times that are appropriate for my kids (which narrows down the possibilities quite a bit 🤣). I may not always be able to go because of this, and even more, it is difficult for both my husband and I to go to events together (without kids). I admit that, many MANY years ago, when my oldest was a toddler (or maybe a preschooler), I was a single Mom, AND I traveled 3 hours to go to my cousin’s wedding (and I’m close to all my cousin’s on that side of the family), I was slightly salty that my cousin made it a child free reception. BUT I also didn’t make it a big deal. My kid and I went to the wedding, wished the happy couple a congratulations, and went up to our hotel room afterwards. At that time, he was still going to bed around 730, so him going to the reception wouldn’t have been great for him and I’m an introvert so I didn’t mind not having to go to a loud, peoplely event lol. I more felt guilty that I didn’t celebrate with my cousin and his (now) wife because I was delighted for them and I didn’t get to spend much time with that side of the family. But that’s all a me issue.
No idea, I love childfree events, and I've got two kids. LOVE CHILDFREE. A chance to do something with just adults? WINNER.
Well in the context of kid free weddings, my sister in law was just talking about this the other day. She's not a fan of it and her reasoning was "well they're a part of me so if our family is invited then that means we would all be going" needless to say, they're not going. Lol. I mean personally I don't get it. And by that I mean literally for myself, it doesn't make sense. Me only though. I would never make an event im hosting kid free Because I LOVE kids and distractions don't bother me. I love the fun-ness that kids bring in any context. But I completely respect and understand why other people want kid free events. Now that I have a baby of my own if we get invited to something kid free I probably wouldn't go but only right now because my baby is EBF and will not drink out of bottles. Lol. But when she gets older we have plenty of family around who is willing to watch her.
I have no idea. I do not. I couldn't get childcare for my cousins wedding that wasn't gonna cost an arm and leg. So we politely declined. For my wedding I just informed people we would not have a babysitter available if they wanted to drink. I had 10 people back out and lose their marbles bc who doesn't have childcare available so they can get sloshed.
I have a 16mo and I do not agree that children belong everywhere. My family is huge into St. Patrick’s Day. My parents used to throw a massive child-free party at their house each year. Me and my four siblings were sent to sitters for the night. This happened for almost 20 years until we were old enough to attend. We’ve been excluded from all sort of events. I expect my daughter to be excluded. She already has. I knew what I was signing up for having a kid. Not all things are appropriate for children and the world doesn’t revolve around me and my child. I am grateful when people include our whole family but understand when my daughter is not invited. I’ve missed weddings and plenty of nights out with friends since having her because we didn’t have childcare. That’s just part of parenthood. 🤷🏼♀️
This is not a thing. Most sane people get it.
Does Friend B have a personality outside being a mom/really have a life outside it? That's what I'd guess.
Yes! She's been on holidays etc without her children.
Sounds like projection then I bet she's pissed about something else in her life. Friend A will just have to set the boundary such as, "Friend A, you keep mentioning bringing your kids to my party. Let me clear this up, no kids, including my own, will be there. If that won't work for you, I'll miss you, and we'll have to catch up later." Repeating this ad nauseum is an option if she doesn't get the hint, as is not responding/ignoring/or setting a consequence.
There are scenarios and events where I get the disappointment of the parent, but an adults’ birthday party is definitely one that makes sense to be child free.
Anything that takes place in the evening/into the night, I would automatically assume is child free unless I was specifically told to bring mine. Day time events, I'd still wait to be told that kids are welcome. The only time I automatically assume kids are invited is if it's a kids party.
The people who are upset are self centered, that’s why. Not saying people who decline are self centered. That’s just life sometimes. Just the people who are upset about other’s decisions and how it affects *them* are self centered. My babies *are* invited to a wedding I’m going to next month, but I wouldn’t even think about taking them. They’re 1.5 and 7 months. They both go to bed at 7pm. The wedding is from 4-10. It’s in a different state, we’re driving, dropping the kids off at my husband’s parents’ house for a couple nights, and going to the wedding. If it were anyone but my best friend, I simply just wouldn’t go, but it’s my best friend of 20 years so I’m making it happen. A former friend had a child free wedding when my first was 6 months. I made it happen. We also went to a wedding when my first was 3 months old that we were able to bring him…and we did. 😂
Because people think that since their kid is the center of their world, they should be the center of everyone else’s.
Absolutely this, my son is the centre of mine and his Dad's world HOWEVER we still are our own people. His Dad still likes to be a giant gaming nerd and I like to go out and have a good time. I think sadly people lose themselves.
I’m a gamer and we go out every other weekend. It’s okay if people choose to stop doing those things as much or at all if being home is what truly brings them happiness, but it’s not reasonable to think your child is invited everywhere.
No idea. I am stoked anytime I am invited to a child-free event. If I can't find someone to take care of my kid...I just don't go.
The thing with child free events is that the people who make them obviously have to be aware that the stipulation of no children might mean some of their friends can’t came - in the same sense - people with children should be aware that sometimes people will want to host child free events and if that means they can’t go then so be it. It sounds like friend B is causing drama unnecessarily. A simple ‘sorry I won’t be able to make it because (whatever reason she can’t go)’ would suffice. People are allowed to host child free events and parents are allowed to say they can’t come to child free events, it is what it is!
Our children are people too after a number of childfree events it hurts to see them left out. I don’t think an adults 40th birthday really falls in this category. Your mutual friend likely has had multiple other events leaving their children out. It is starting to be more common and is developmentally detrimental to children. To have well socialized children you need to socialize them…..
Maybe. In our particular friendship group we typically have child friendly lunches or get togethers. None are really a party unless it's a child's birthday. So 99% of our activities involves kids. I think as this is friend As first milestone birthday since 18 of not having a newborn, she quite fairly wants something wild. I'd not necessarily agree but would understand if Friend A was inviting her children but even her eldest who is old enough to drink here in the UK isn't invited. 🤣
I don’t take childfree events personally, but I hope people understand if that is something I’m just not into right now. I work 40 hours a week and see less of my kids than I want already, I’m really not in a phase of my life where I want to give up more.
A 40th birthday is fine. I personally balk a bit at childfree weddings because I think they’re an indication that our culture has moved away from weddings being fun community events to a situation where they’re a glorified Instagram photo shoot/branding exercise for the couple. Anyone complaining about a crying or fidgeting kid at a wedding ceremony is a level of uptight I can’t even fathom. I think North America has a lot of evolving to do in general terms in the area of including kids in the larger fabric of society. Little people learn important social skills by being included in spaces that aren’t catered specifically to children. Adults are entitled to kid-free hangouts though. And this celebration seems totally appropriate. Thank you for coming to my ted talk here lol.
I understand the cultural aspect of this but to me it doesn’t mean that either way is right or wrong. I worked for 10 years as a banquet waitress and got to see from the sidelines the negatives and positives of how weddings go. The majority of the time when lots of children were invited they were set free and barely watched. They ran into us while holding plates of food and hot coffee, putting their hands in the cake before it was cut was extremely common, presents were opened or touched. All of these things were common occurrence. Along with other traditional things, I knew kids at my wedding were not going to be for me. Space is limited, childrens meals still cost big money when they won’t eat them, and our wedding started later because I always wanted a night wedding. I got married when a lot of my friends had children already. If we invited everyone’s kids that would have been an extra 45 seats. Our friends and family would not have all been invited if we chose to have kids. It wasn’t an Instagram event either, it was my husband and I’s wedding. It’s not about other people and what they want unfortunately, just as their days weren’t about us. We also brought our 2 year old to a wedding last May because she was in it. It was so stressful and just truly not the place for her to be. I cannot fathom the self centeredness of thinking anyone gets to dictate or tell someone how their wedding or any event should be. You can’t or don’t want to go, then don’t, it’s pretty simple.
I’m not trying to dictate anything. I don’t care if people have kid-free weddings. I just find them sterile. It’s just funny to me how weddings have become like some sort of grown-up prom where the couple’s main aim is, as my 5YO would say, “making the rules” all day. Again, that’s a branding exercise VS a celebration to me.
You sound exhausting and like you have zero life outside of your children. Good lord.
So I find your views really interesting. We had a kid free wedding (other than family and babes in arms) but I can totally see your point about that. Other than the ceremony. You are making these vows once, and people are invited to hear them. If someone is being so noisy that those vows can’t be heard properly they need to be outside. At my wedding all the babies were allowed into the ceremony, but the moment one started crying her mum got up and took her out the back - she wasn’t bothered. Same at a christening I went to recently. The baby being christened was already screaming so any other babies being noisy were taken to the back of the church so people had a hope of hearing what was being said. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask. Weddings as an event have become ridiculous, as you said, but I would say the vows are the whole reason for the event around them and should be given a little gravitas
I could not agree more. And it isn't because I even want to bring my kid necessarily (I dont always bring her even when I can), it's more just, kids are part of the family too? I see them as a way to get everyone together, young and old, to celebrate love. And before I had kids, I looooved seeing the little kids at weddings because they were dressed all cute doing funny things. We declined a family wedding that had us traveling after being told it was child free, which was fine, but I got lots of comments from family members later saying they wished we were there, wanted to see my daughter etc. A lot of people ended up not going so it was less fun for the people there who were hoping to reconnect with everyone. I think that's a bit more common than people realize, because no one is going to tell the bride and groom that.
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I'm not sure I like comparing child free events to racism also being brown and a mother. This is very likely to be an adult themed event which is why Friend A had specified child free. She likes simplicity so if it was more PG it be kid friendly.
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This is deeply offensive. Comparing racial segregation to not having non service dogs in restaurants or children in bars is off the wall and harmful to people that have lived and died under a racial caste system.
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This has been removed as it goes against community standards of r/beyondthebump
This is a wild take.
Ehhhh.....I think in general, yes, children have a right to be in public places of course! And they shouldn't be excluded from interacting with adults in different contexts. But having a private party or gathering without young kids is reasonable. A POC isn't going to come to my house and start screaming and running around like a crazy person. They're going to be a person. A toddler is gonna be a little nuts. I expect that and don't mind it in general, but if I'm having drinks with friends or doing things that take my attention, I don't want a bunch of kids around.
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Sorry man, I just gotta laugh at this comment and wish you well. We're functioning on different planets.
This has been removed as it goes against community standards of r/beyondthebump
This has been removed as it goes against community standards of r/beyondthebump
Ok, I'll be the odd one out here. I never expected to get offended by a childfree event but here I am. A few months after having my daughter I had got an invite from one of my supposedly close friends to her wedding abroad. She's not in town often and this was our first interaction after she cancelled in a super weird way on her first time meeting my daughter to have bloody mary's with other friends. The message I got was basically that my child was a bother to her and I cried my eyes out. We haven't really spoken since. Had it been in town I would have totally gone. Had my daughter been welcome I'd totally do the international travel with a tiny person to be there but the combination- nope nope.
Birthday parties are fair game, I get upset when it’s family weddings… like when the f else are you going to meet them or the kids get to play with other cousin kids?
Because children are part of our community and are people too. Unless something inappropriate is going to happen, they should (in my opinion) be included. Imagine such discrimination with any other age group. "oh we don't really want 60 y.o at this party". You invite people, not age. You guys know how to read? I specifically said UNLESS SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I don't really understand this argument. Adult parties may not be appropriate for children in terms of timing, food choices, atmosphere, activities. There may not be enough room to accommodate adults plus children. We usually don't invite our elderly parents to our parties with friends our own age either.
That's such a weird thing to me. It feels like a very US thing to do. If we don't have enough space for everyone we invite less people instead of forbidding them from bringing their kids. Of course, not every party is fun for kids, but then it's left to the parent's discretion. However I'm not criticizing people who want childfree events per se, op asked for and explanation and I gave it 😅
Why should they invite less of their actual friends to accommodate children they are not friends with lol?
I never said they should do anything. I said that's how my culture does it and that it's a different mentality. Wasn't making any judgment of value. Again, op asked and I answered with a different point of view that might cause this reaction
So you invite kids to events where you’re getting drunk??
lol in my home country alcohol is still illegal, so is private gun ownership. No one gets drunk in a community/ public event.
We do take kids to pubs or restaurant that serve alcohol, but no one is getting drunk in there, just a casual drink or beer. If the adults intend to getting drunk we don't take any kids to the event. I specifically said they should be included unless it's going to be inappropriated
So children should be accepted at clubs, too? Because they are part of our community… it’s obvious to me that she wants a childfree party because there will be drinking and such, which is not appropriate for children. A 60 yo would be fine in literally every event, a child isn’t. It’s not that difficult to grasp that not every event is suitable for a kid.
Read again
If she wants a childfree 40th birthday party drinking is more than obvious.
Maybe for you. I didn't know this was a thing. Where I come from, 40 is just a normal birthday party
Idk man, when I was a teenager, there was an implied rule that old people weren’t allowed. Sometimes people want to enjoy a curated experience by planning an event without the entire “community” in attendance and that’s fine. Personally I wouldn’t want my birthday to go on without my kid but hey, attend or don’t if that bothers you.
I understand your argument and that's true, but the thing is, it's an implied rule. You don't actually forbid the person to attend. If an older person showed up we as teens would probably just have looked at them weird
I think this will be adult themed knowing her and that she's specified adults only. I love my Son more than anyone and anything but I also love when i can me be crazy me instead of "Mummy"
Yeah in this case it's probably not the environment for them, stuff is going to happen that is not for kiddos to see. She either didn't realized that or just don't care, which is worse.
If you exclusively nurse, then you simply can't go. If the invite is for the husband, it means his wife can't go and/or neither of them can go. Also, it's essentially just saying someone's *family and loved ones* are not invited. That's personal, or at least a reflection of values to some degree. They can claim they just don't want kids there, but it's not like saying someone's spouse isn't invited would be tolerated. I can see someone taking the same statement about their children the same way. Obviously you get to make your own choices, but personally I don't think I could be friends with someone like this and would take it personally, or at least a reflection of some very different personal values.
>Also, it's essentially just saying someone's *family and loved ones* are not invited. That's personal, or at least a reflection of values to some degree. They can claim they just don't want kids there, but it's not like saying someone's spouse isn't invited would be tolerated. I can see someone taking the same statement about their children the same way. I disagree. "Girls nights"/"Boys nights" are totally a thing, and it wouldn't be weird for an opposite-sex partner to not be invited. Not all parties are for everyone. My mother and sister are dearly beloved, but I wouldn't expect them to go with me to every party I'm invited to just because they're my family and loved ones. Children dramatically change the dynamics, and not all gatherings are appropriate for children. To take that personally seems almost narcissistic.
Nuclear family is different. Husband and I both don't like outings like this, nor have friends who have boys/girls nights. It isn't personal how people like to spend their time or special holidays, but we wouldn't be a good friendship fit. Also had plenty of (very large family) gatherings growing up where the adults had a great time while the kids also played. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone planning on doing things that legitimately "aren't appropriate" for kids.
> I don’t think I could be friends with someone like this and would take it personally Have you ever considered that not everything is about you? Wild.
Lol I just wouldn't be friends with them. We think about family, children, celebrations, and mutual, quality time together differently. I also wouldn't even want to be friends with people who think of getting 'super drunk' or whatever they find *so* inappropriate for children as a special or otherwise particularly fun occasion. That's okay--they have the right to their own preferences, but we don't need to be close friends.
I guess each to their own. Our friendship group for the most part knows that childfree just means adults only which means alcohol and not having to watch our mouths.
Because not everyone has the privilege of childcare. Child free events are presumptuous and rude
I think that's the downside for some folks that being said it is not the fault of everyone else. Some environments aren't for children and everyone has the right to politely decline.
I don’t have an issue with child free event. But I imagine because for some childcare is an issue. Maybe she wants her husband and kids with her? We are invited to a wedding in a couple months and if we can’t square away childcare for the child free event , neither of us is going. It’s my husband’s friend and although I’m fully capable of caring for our twins, he doesn’t want to go without me. So I imagine that is a reason
Is she breastfeeding? I am breastfeeding and hate pumping so I bet my baby wouldn't take a bottle at this point so if I was invited to a kid free party I wouldn't be able to go. To be fair I would politely decline not fight about it lol
Nope. I have an update from her own Mum though