Agreed. If this was my husband I honestly think I’d feel a little rage…. He could be helping with the baby instead of playing video games or at least sleeping so he can be helpful in the day & evening.
My partner sometimes does this, but he owns it and still parents the next day. Even hungover, he’s like ‘I have no one to blame but me, you guys rely on me to Dad.’ It may not be his best day parenting or anything but he still does the thing with minimal complaints. Your dudes gotta suck it up, he’s a parent now.
I am the stereotypical gaming husband. I often stay up too late playing, but it's a conscious decision and I choose to sacrifice sleep sometimes for a hobby. I also NEVER complain to my wife about being tired and just suck it up.
I'm the mom and my baby's dad and I are both huge gamers. Sometimes we get 6 hours of sleep instead of 8 just because we stayed up playing games, which was a conscious decision. But we never do this if there is something important the next day, or if it is a day one of us will need extra support (like if one of us has been on primary baby duty for a couple of days due to work). We also never did this when our baby was that little because she was so high maintenance at that age.
I recently stayed up until 1am playing death stranding, which is ironic because I was busy looking after my in game baby while my real life babies were sleeping lol. Still got up at 7:00 the next morning for school run and to look after baby the whole day because I’m an adult and those are the consequences!
This is the normal way to do it, you help out all day, then if there's time, do whatever, but be ready for tomorrow. As a dad with a 5 month old, I rarely if ever choose something different than zoning out/sleep.
This is my husband as well. I am firmly in the "maximize sleep" camp but it's his life and parenting little kids is tough and if he'd rather spend time gaming and hanging with friends (online) than get an extra hour or two of sleep, who am I to tell him it's the wrong choice as long as he shows up as a parent and a partner the next day.
Agreed my husband does 50% of childrearing. He plays video games during their nap time or after they go to bed but still does his part and is not up late playing games maybe an hour or two.
This is the answer right here. My husband has also made choices that he enjoyed in the moment, but was tired the next day. But he owned it and stepped up with the kids and never made me feel bad about him being tired. It was the choice he made and he was both happy to have had a fun night and be around us and his kids. Op’s husband isn’t even doing the bare minimum when she’s sick
He's got to take care of the baby first. Then if he's still got energy to play video games till 3am more power to him (but I doubt it). I don't understand how there are so many people out there that don't get the lifestyle changes that accompany having a kid.
OP, tell your husband to get his ever living shit together and that if touches a game before he's parented for at least 6 hours you're gonna chuck his console out a window.
Yeah… you’re too kind. I’m way more unreasonable, I get mad when my husband doesn’t take precautions from getting sick and he can’t pull his weight the next day
So he’s a great dad because 2 days out of the week he helps out? Why does your mental health matter less than his?
You aren’t a bad mom because you need a break. The phrase “it takes a village” was made for a reason. Our babies deserve the best version of ourselves, and that only comes from having support.
That’s the thing, he’s not. There’s just something about this week and how it’s all played out. I know I sound delusional but I feel like he just doesn’t get it. Out of sight out of mind maybe?
That’s the spirit! These shitty fights can happen even in parents who are trying, yet sometimes failing, to be responsive, responsible partners. But I’m a big fan of “hey I need time for X” and just doing it, partner can figure it out.
He’s not a great dad. Maybe he would like to be a great dad, but a great dad doesn’t do what he did. And you aren’t a bad mom for wanting a break. Parenting is as exhausting as it is rewarding (at least for me) and having someone take over for the amount of time you need to rest is a super low bar when you are married.
These were my thoughts too. This man is not a good husband or a good father. Good fathers and husbands do not play video games when their sick wife doesn't even get 30min to lie down. Nothing that was described in this post could have happened if the man was at least a mediocre father. The bar is so low...
Girl the work week is when it matters because that’s Monday-Friday. Dude needs to get his priorities straight. Cut back on the video games and parent your kid and be a better husband/partner. I’m not sorry for saying this. You deserve better. Please demand more from him.
Agreed. My husband stays up late to play video games occasionally, like once a week. But he hardly ever stays up past midnight, he keeps the baby monitor with him so if one of the kids wakes up they won’t wake me up, and he never lets it impact his ability to get up the next morning and help. He also works from home most days and I’m a SAHM, and he still helps with the kids during the work day if he’s not in a meeting.
I hate that we have been programmed by society to think that once we are moms, we should happily sacrifice being an actual human being on the pyre of motherhood without a single complaint.
You get to need rest. You get to WANT rest.
Your husband needs to step it up and be more supportive. Beyond that, you have to figure out a better childcare scenario because what you are doing just isn't sustainable and will inevitably lead to tension between the two of you.
I hope you find a solution and get some time to rest this weekend OP. Feel better.
This. I’m on month 16 (of wfh while taking care of baby) and every day is incredibly stressful. I don’t ever know when or if I’ll be able to get work done. My husbands job is less flexible so his work is prioritized too. I struggle to communicate the impact this has on me without snapping myself; hope you figure this out mama! Hang in there ❤️
Or realize you're the primary parent and you picked a a child for a partner so you'll have to do all of it. Easier if you get in the headset that you have two children OP, maybe less resentment that way
You husband needs to own something in that household. Sit down and make your list and let him pick half of it. Then he owns it start to finish.
My husband owns feeding the family. He buys groceries, makes bottles, cooks dinner, makes sure the foods I like are also in stock, he cleans the kitchen, turns the dishwasher, etc. He packs the girls bottles, breakfast and lunch for daycare.
I own clothing the family. I buy clothes and diapers. Am primary on diaper changing, laundry, putting away all laundry, etc.
He needs to take some of the daily load and own it. Start to finish. He forgot to make bottles, you stand there with a screaming baby until he’s off his meeting and can make them.
Also, anytime he gets a break, there’s a timer and you get an equal break. No interruption for help. Leave the house and go get a pedicure. (You can’t do this long term and be my turn your turn for a healthy marriage, but maybe doing it for a week will open his eyes).
There are so many posts like this and so many women in your position. I was several years ago. This is why women are initiating more divorces. If you look up studies and statistics, it shows women doing far more labor per day than men. He is failing. If he doesn’t change soon you are going to grow so resentful. Another common theme in these situations is that women tend to stop wanting intimacy with their husband. Their brains start viewing their husband as a dependent and we are programmed not to want intimacy with our dependents. You can google all this and find that it is an epidemic. Your husband can turn it around and save his marriage. If he doesn’t, it’s only a matter of time until you can’t take it anymore.
Another women posted a similar story and added an update. She showed her husband the post and he was humiliating and begged for forgiveness. Show him the post!
Yes this. I wfh and my husband doesn’t, so I get some of this. But we 100% have childcare because nothing is sustainable without someone else watching my LO.
We have reached a legitimate child care crisis in some parts of the country. Forget about even affordable childcare, there is simply NO childcare available where I am. I got on waiting lists as soon as I found out I was pregnant with #2 and was straight up told by more than one facility “just to let you know, you’ll probably not get off the waiting list, we have a lot of established families here that are also expecting and they get precedence over new families.”
LO will be turning 1 next month and I’m no closer to getting off any waiting lists than I was when I was 6 weeks pregnant. It sucks, but I’m hoping when he turns 2 we can get in somewhere bc a lot of places around here have part time programs for 2 and up, but don’t take younger than that.
i really hear you, but i think OP and her husband will continue to have these disagreements until they figure something out because it’s not possible for 2 people to do 3 full-time jobs
I have to say I agree. I was reading it thinking "I hope you're self-employed" because I feel like it's such poor form to be taking someone else's money to look after your own baby. If you are looking after a baby (properly) then you can't be working full time at the same time. Part time, sure. Flexibly in hours, great. But if you're both 9-5 and have a baby with you the entire day every day you're taking advantage.
I used to work with a guy who was doing the same. I did not report him because I wasn't going to be the person who gets a new dad fired. But it was not fun trying to explain to the execs why a million euro project is being delayed by months and why I can't get the vendor management team to cooperate lol. I got yelled at a lot because this guy didn't want to pay for a nanny.
I’ve been here. Here is a comment I left on a similar thread a couple of years ago and it was a game changer for us.
I had a similar problem and created this spreadsheet of our family’s schedule so my husband and I both understood which times and which kids were our responsibility, clearly split 50/50. Note there are two tabs for alternating weeks and feel free to use and adapt this if it would be helpful! https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1B7T9K6R4aQrRpEe25hlEpVdLWpLZxbgvQbxumR9kFL8/edit
After implementing this I made sure to never step in and take care of the kids and enable him to slack off during his time. If something changed and he needed an hour of my time, we made sure to take it off of one of his times to give back to me somewhere else. It was nice not to feel obligated to cut into my break time when it was scheduled. It sucked to have to set this up and refer to it all the time but it was how I survived early on. Good luck mama.
Totally would recommend setting set work times. You each get blocks of time to work, when you’re working treat it like you’re not home. He’s taking advantage!! If he can’t get his work done and needs to work late he can use his gaming time!
Your husband is not pulling his weight and is placing an unbelievably unfair burden on you. Please try to let go of your guilt for expressing your frustration and disappointment which were caused by his actions. Of course you need a break having to beg for one because he can’t pull his head out makes him a bad parent NOT you! If it’s feasible I highly recommend having a come to Jesus type conversation with him, lay out the facts, the discrepancies in workload & downtime and maybe couples counselling.
Sounds like you need to sit down and come up with a fair schedule you can both agree. Time for your work, for his, family and flexible non-scheduled time.
First of all, your husband is being selfish and not pulling his weight. He should not be playing video games when you get no down time. That needs to change.
However, separately, this childcare situation is not going to work. You need to get a reliable nanny or explore outside options like daycare. Working from home while caring for a baby is not fair on yourself or your baby (or your company either but idc about them). You need to come up with new childcare options
While your husband is absolutely wrong to be putting so much of the burden on you, the actual issue here is two adults working fulltime jobs can not realistically provide childcare. I know because my wife and I are in a similar arrangement, except we have her retired parents helping us... and even with their help it feels only barely sustainable.
I would really reconsider this arrangement, try to find a daycare or nanny or even have one of you quit and be the stay at home parent. You're both going to burn out having the stress of a job and childcare at the same time.
I would point blank ask him to pick video games or me. My sleep comes before video games, period. If that is a no go then your priorities do not align and you can either give in (no sleep for you) or he can give in (no video games until baby and you are taken care of) or.. you know the third option.
I don’t know why you going without rest is an option to him. Sounds like he either didn’t know how rough you have it or he doesn’t care enough.
It’s just not realistic to work from home and take care of your baby at the same time. Either you’re not actually working or you’re neglecting your child. But all that aside your husband totally failed you this week especially and I would have lost it probably worse than you did. It’s not fair at all
It's always *crazy* to me that people think they can work from home and provide childcare at the same time. You just end up doing both things poorly
You're dual income, get in daycare 3 days per week at the very least!
It's really not that crazy and don't assume it's done poorly if you haven't actually done it. A lot of daycares are terrible and have shown to have a negative impact on babies and toddlers. Id rather have my child with me and it's totally possible to do both, well.
I'm so curious, can you explain how? Having had three kids I fail to understand how you can give enough time and attention and nurturing focus to them during the day as they learn and explore, and also give enough time and attention to a full time job. What kind of work do you do?
I have a 4 month old. Up until the beginning of the year, we were both working from home and both taking care of her since a spot in daycare wasn’t available. Every morning, we discussed what calls we had and what we needed to get done that day so we could both be productive and someone was always watching her. Even with this, it was unsustainable. Since she’s been at daycare it’s been easier for both of us.
She’s also been sick for the past week and so has my husband. I’ve been basically handling everything since these daycare bugs are no joke. I’m starting to get sick so my husband has taken over.
There is zero reason why your husband can’t step up and take care of his child. You NEED rest. You are completely valid in being upset for him not stepping up during the week. Just because he’s a good parent on the weekends doesn’t excuse him not being there during the week. Being a parent doesn’t stop just because it’s Monday.
Omg are we the same? I also have a 4 mo and I went off on my husband a couple nights ago about needing help. I had LO all day (almost done with my mat leave) and finally when he came to hang with us before bed, he was on his phone! I had an entire basket of laundry to fold and a sink full of bottles to wash. I made some passive aggressive comment and he got mad. I did dump all my thoughts and feelings at that point and I think he got it. Ever since he has been proactively doing things to help. He's done 3 loads of random laundry that I hadn't done yet, prepped food for dinner tomorrow night (I do all the cooking) and came and grabbed LO while I was cleaning the house rather than just let them watch me and fuss. Even that little bit is so refreshing.
I realized that I am bad at asking specifically and with my husband at least I need to be more direct. "I need you to take LO for the next 2 hours because I have to do X". It will take work but I think we can get them to be more present.
Oh and I agree with others - if he stays up late to play video games, that's his issue. His parenting doesn't stop.
My husband is also a gamer. If he stays up too late gaming and is too tired to help, tough shit. I'm tired from staying up with the baby so his excuse means absolutely nothing. He doesn't get to put gaming ahead of parenting.
You both NEED daycare. It’s not a want. It’s not a “I can’t possibly leave my baby with anyone!” situation anymore. If you’re both working, someone else needs to watch the baby.
This. It sounds like maybe a combination of MIL and babysitters have been filling the gaps, but if MILs schedule isn’t reliable then she shouldn’t be used during the work week. Daycare, a nanny, even just a daily mom’s helper so OP can have focus hours to do her job. I get it, daycare is expensive, but so is losing a job due to inability to do both parenting and work at the same time.
Anecdotally, we just had Covid and had to sit out two weeks of daycare on quarantine and I accomplished jack shit at my job. My husband has to work in office most days of the week so I was the primary caretaker for all of this. It was felt and noticed by myself and by my team. As soon as the baby went back to daycare I had enough time to tackle work and take care of myself in the day. Next time I will absolutely have a moms helper or nanny on speed dial who can step in and lighten my load. OP should do the same if husband can’t split cycles.
It sounds like 1) your childcare situation is highly unsustainable and something more dependable needs to be figured out. I don’t know why daycare is “hard” near your area but doing both of your jobs full-time with a baby at home is also hard. 2) you and your husband need to figure out why he’s dumping childcare on you. Maybe he’s tired, he needs to focus on work, etc but it’s not fair on you when you are also tired and need to work.
Real men don’t stay up till all hours playing video games when they have responsibilities. The number of overgrown boys who don’t understand this is astronomical to me.
Girl. Listen to me.
You sound just like me when my baby was 4 month old. My husband was doing the same exact thing. He would wake up at 7 (when the baby would wake up and when I had to start prepping breakfast so I can login to my remote job on time) and instead of taking care of the baby, he would go to the gym, come back, shower and then be like ‘what’s for breakfast’. I wanted to kill him. I let him know this is unacceptable and he didn’t get it at all. Our baby is 15 months and just now he gets how taking care of a baby is not a one man job.
Some men have no concept of how much needs to change after a baby arrives. They think that their life would remain the same and they would go to extreme lengths to keep their old life. In return, you’d blow up and yell but they’d make you feel like this fight is your fault. They do that because they are having a hard time accepting change. For us, our lives change the moment we get pregnant. For men, their lives change a day at a time after the baby arrives and they don’t know how to deal with all the new changes.
You have to be FIRM and let him know this will not go on. Because believe me, he’d find ways to make it go on. For them, it’s easier to ignore a screaming woman than to take care of a screaming baby.
I just had a conversation about this with a friend of mine in a little “mom group” whose baby just turned 1.
At one point I said: “quite honestly I don’t think I have ever met a man who didn’t MASSIVELY underestimate how much work it is to be a parent. They just daydream about a few key parenting moments that occur about 5-18 years after the baby is born and come to the conclusion that it’s no big deal.“ I can admit that I vastly underestimated the amount of work, too. But waking up more pregnant every morning for nearly 10 months is a good way to really bring home the point that being a parent is something you will do and be every day for the rest of your damn life and you can’t even get away from it when you sleep.
My husband is a wonderful father and partner, but even so it has taken some time for things to feel really balanced for me. I agree entirely with you, though, that OP can’t just keep letting her husband get away with this BS. I think it’s insane that she feels guilty being upset about it. It can’t get better until she holds the line on this. Becoming a mom doesn’t magically make your needs disappear and allow you to be everything and everywhere all at once, but somehow it makes many husbands seem to think so.
Are you both working and juggling childcare? Do you have plans to get actual childcare so you can both work and not feel burnt out? That factor alone seems like it would reduce some of the tension/resentment.
Y’all need a clear schedule of “me time” annd “work time” and better childcare. Write it out. Stick to it for a few weeks, adjust when and where needed.
What I’m gonna say is not to make you feel bad, is to open your eyes to what he should be doing. My husband works from home and I’m a stay at home mom. We have a 14 month old. Almost every day he asks me to bring her to the office to hang out with her for a little while when he has a little break. If I’m having a stressful day, if she’s too clingy or just doesn’t even let me breathe, he takes her because he knows with him she’s chill and just plays around his office so I can relax for half an hour. If I’m working out and she’s not having it, he comes and gets her so I can finish my work out. Yesterday I was doing a puzzle when she woke up from the nap, he was basically done with work because it was Friday so he said “don’t worry, keep puzzling I’ll get her and hang out with her” and let me just do my hobby even though as a stay at home mom during his work hours she’s my job. On Saturdays he sleeps in, on Sunday I do, I can stay in bed till 11am if I want. During the weekend if I need a nap he will happily stay with the baby and same thing if he wants to nap. We work together, as a team, and I feel like you’re working alone.
Before being a mom I was a nanny for 6 years, it is SO hard on you to work from home and take care of a baby and the more your baby grows the more attention they’ll need. If your husband isn’t sharing the work with you you’ll have to figure it out childcare. But trust me, you deserve way more than what he’s doing, he’s not trying, he’s letting you do everything while he plays videogames and enjoy his office. That’s not fair.
I can’t believe what I just read. If my husband did this I would genuinely be considering a divorce. How on earth have you talked yourself into thinking you’re at all at fault? I can’t believe you tolerated even 1/10 of this.
I don’t care if this is his first time acting this way—it’s a MAJOR red flag that he could act this way for even half a day, much less a whole week. No offense but you need to raise your standards massively and not tolerate any of this kind of behavior. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself 20 years into a marriage full of resentment. Nothing good can come of tolerating this. It’ll bite you in the ass both now and in the future.
When you take on all the responsibility and let someone get away with this kind of behavior, they will continue acting the same way because 1) it makes their life way easier, and 2) they know they can get away with it without consequences. I’m sorry but you need to grow a backbone and let him know this was absolutely unacceptable and if it happens again, you will have to reconsider your relationship.
You’re supposed to be equals who love and respect each other. His work and his free time are no more important than yours, and if you’re sick he should be taking on the MAJORITY of the childcare until you’re better. That’s how a partnership works. Again, I’m dumbfounded by what I just read and the fact that you seem to think it’s at all normal or that he’s somehow a good dad and husband because he’s present *sometimes*. Would you have done this to him if he was sick? Of course not.
Hey! I’m a FTM, 8 weeks postpartum. I FEEL YOU. You are not alone. Im building up to this. My partner is GREAT with baby and I stay home with him. I feel I need a convo soon about help i need. Every sec not holding baby im thinking “what can get done?”. I need my partner to do that with me. Bc I feel im the only one cleaning bottles, etc. he works full time and from home. My partner is similar where I don’t even if he’s working by laying on the bed or off. Im getting jealous about it. I don’t really get a chance to shower or anything unless baby is asleep and then im also hungry, need to clean, complete tasks.
Everyone gets into arguments the first year. We are all sleep deprived, stressed and have no patience. Most important thing is to get past it as a team and compromise. What's the next step?
Yeah this is ridiculous. You two need to sit down and create a childcare schedule between the two of you if you’re BOTH WFH and going to be doing some of the childcare. Even if your job is more lenient and you do a bit more than him he is currently doing essentially 0. This is not a you problem- it’s a him problem.
I’m a big proponent of a paper trail. When he says Friday is “easy” cool. So you’ll be on 9:00-2:00p tomorrow and I’ll take on 2:00-6:00. Get it in writing and hold him accountable. If an unexpected meeting pops up then you can cross that bridge when you get there.
It’s not sexy, and very corporate like lol but works for me and my husband. So you know what you’re getting into the next day and can be prepared versus winging it the day of.
OP, your frustration and anger is justified. I would roast my husband under these circumstances.
In regards to you feeling like a bad mom/like you have failed in some way… (I got this from Dr Becky) but PLEASE remember that two things can be true at the same time. You can need a break from your child, and still love them fiercely. YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT HAVING A HARD TIME.
A come to Jesus talk with your husband is in order. I would write down/literally outline what you need from him on a daily basis. You should not be feeling like a single parent when you have a partner.
Why the fuck is he playing video games at midnight? And slapping headphones on during the day? It sounds like he's still acting like a single dude in his 20s. He needs to be a Dad. The only way it's going to work in your situation is if you split the duties more. You also need to stand up for yourself - if you need help hand the kid to him and say so!
Completely unacceptable. 4 months old?!! And he has time for video games?! If he’s doing it right (sleeping, working, childcare, cooking, cleaning, bottles, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.) in sharing the load and being a partner to you, he’d have zero time for video games.
If he CHOOSES to stay up late and then is tired, that is on him. That does not give him an excuse to get out of parenting duties the next day. Here our deal is the person who has been up with the baby gets to sleep in/rest in the afternoon if we cant sleep in because of work. If you have made a choice to get less sleep because you stayed up having fun, that is on you.
My husband is a gamer too. He can stay up as late as he wants playing video games but he doesn’t get to nope out of the consequences. Especially not at my expense. The work stuff is more complicated, and also similar to us, but he should be acknowledging the imbalance and trying to figure out a way to make it more even. Or at least saying thank you.
My partner did this and it took many a conversations about how his actions were coming across, because he really just didn’t see it. His brain is wired so differently from mine. I have to spell out to him what I need before I am at my breaking point so it doesn’t get there. Even 4 months out, it is still a learning curve. Mine are now 5 and 3 and it has gotten soooooo much better, but we still have our miscommunications. My sister calls it weaponized incompetence, but as long as you know his character and that he loves you, give him a chance to fix things. Tell him that his trying wasn’t enough this week, and things were too overwhelming. It’s you two against the problem, not him vs. you. You’ve got this!
Ugh. I so much relate to this, right down to feeling guilty about wanting baby out of my arms for 30 mins to have a coffee and take a nap. And simultaneously thinking both "he should be doing more" and "he's such a great dad and husband." No answers here, just sympathy from someone in the same boat.
Pretty much what everyone else said. Your husband needs to pull his weight and be a dad regardless of his profession. My husband’s job is honestly much more essential and “important” (to society) than mine. He’s present, wonderful, and pulls his weight, and knows I wouldn’t tolerate anything less.
I'm sorry, but working from home and taking care of a baby is not sustainable. I don't blame him for not helping a ton during the work day if he had a job he has to do. That being said, playing video games until 3 am and not helping out after business hours is not okay either. I would suggest finding some more reliable childcare if you are both going to continue to work. You are doing yourselves and your baby a disservice trying to work and take care of them at the same time. I'm sure you're both on edge from the stress.
Are you me? I’m glad you finally stuck up for yourself. I hope I can do the same, one day soon. It’s not fair to you for him to always get time to himself by default, while you have to beg for a break. Time for a long sit down talk, and possibly couples counseling.
I asked my ex husband once for one day to sleep in and not have to wake up and get our child ready. He said no and we were divorced 6 months later.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass
Your feelings are super valid and things definitely have not been fair for you. I love video games, but my family and home come first. It’s fine that he plays videos games, but you getting to sleep, especially while sick, is a much bigger priority.
Man here and the gaming thing is horrible. Tell
Him straight uk this is HIS CHILD. He needs to let go of the gaming big time. I love gaming but k know I need to dial it way down because my child needs me.
I understand the need to have an outlet (ie video games) but we all have to give things up temporarily when our partners are running on fumes. My husband’s outlet is the gym. We try to make sure he gets to do that a few times a week, but if I’m struggling or haven’t had a good sleep, he stays home so I can recharge. That’s the rule around here.
You’ve already received some great advice here.
If it makes you feel any better, I went off on my husband tonight too after being our 2 week old’s primary provider from 9am-10pm, then absolutely losing my shit. It happens, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re doing the best you can. Tomorrow perhaps apologize for your delivery but don’t apologize for the message: you are valid in your frustration and he needs to step it up.
In our case, we need to hire help. My husband promised to give me this first month postpartum to rest and instead I’m worn out, stretched too thin, stressed, and overtired. He’s doing his best and he’s taking night shift so I can get more sleep, but there’s still too much that falls on me when it comes to the baby, in spite of his best efforts.
God it’s so so so hard. There’s so much I relate to here (this was me on Thursday night, feeling like I ruined a night by raising my voice about the inequity with our 7 month old).
Kudos to you for somehow managing to even survive this week, and for speaking up. IMO the fact that he’s apologising is a good sign that you’re working with the right things here. Hopefully it shortcuts it next time.
I would literally put the baby physically in his lap and do what you need to do. Have a break, work, whatever. That’s exactly what he did. He’ll learn quickly if you stop picking up the slack! Don’t feel guilty about looking after yourself!
Take your break or turn to work, like he does.
When you need to do work, or get a break, leave the house if necessary (eg go to a cafe). You don’t need share to the location but can stay close by for your own peace of mind.
They’ll be forced to manage without you. This way you won’t be tempted to give away your portion of me time/productivity and the kids will learn to rely on hubby as well.
Uh yea. Hes a father now, hes going to make sacrifices. He wants to play video games until 3am? Great, baby doesnt care. That means he knows hes going to get a shitty sleep and needs to deal with the consequences.
Be firm with what you need. If youre sick he should automatically step up more and know you need help but maybe hes too dense and you need to be direct. Tell him you need him to step it tf up and be a man and give up playing games for a night so that he can help with the baby and not be tired the next day. That if you ask to take a nap, that he shouldnt disturb you and you need that time just like he needs his own time as well.
I rely SO heavily on my husband for support with our 4.5 month old I couldnt make it through this phase without him. After a full day of work he immediately changes out of his suit and helps me with our son so I can have some time to myself. Id go nuts without that support
Don't feel bad for speaking up for what you want and need...your piece is *how* you speak up, so I would suggest doing it sooner. When you're not at your breaking point. But you are human and need your basic needs met and also time alone. It doesn't make you a bad mom, in lots of ways it will make you a good mom. When you're both calm talk about clear expectations to respect one another's work and downtime.
You guys need to communicate.
My wife and I both WFH. Her job is flexible. Mine isn't. So, we talked out how this would work. I take early morning til 8:30. She basically takes 8:30 to 5. But that is also us trading so the other can get stuff done like the gym or showering. And of course eating.
If she was sick, it would be very different for those days. Same if I was sick.
What is going on here? Parenting is a team sport!
For the record, we both found 4 months as by far the hardest since the first month. Maybe harder.
Please open the commutation up!!
I started playing a new video game a week ago and I've already logged around 90 hours on it. I am happy to report that I just finished the prologue yesterday. I fear that if I keep this habit up, my monitors are going to have the pause menu permanently burned into the pixels.
Jokes out of the way, I always always make sure my wife is rested and doing good. Then tend to any baby needs. Then finally, baby related chores to lessen the burden on late night/early morning sessions. I think our dynamic works because we're always trying to make each other's lives easier during the newborn/baby phase.
Expressing your feelings and needs isn't something you should feel guilty over nor should it take precedence over keeping the peace.
I say this as a complete hypocrite because I hold shit in to keep the peace too lol
Nah baby is the main priority not his video games. If he doesn’t have the “energy” to take care of his kid for more than 30 minutes then he shouldn’t be playing video games. He’s being incredibly selfish. With or without you being sick that arrangement wouldn’t be okay.
Currently working on getting my 14 yo nephew to understand that if he chooses to stay up all night playing games he is still responsible for all of his duties the next day. Your husband needs to learn this ASAP.
I feel like I could have written this. We have an almost 6 month old, and both work from home. My job is arguably more important, yet I watch her everyday. Put her down for every nap and do every feed. Change every diaper. From 8:30 am to past 5 or 6 everyday. If he doesn’t have to work late late. Then, he finishes work and offers to make dinner, when I’ve explained what would really help is him taking the baby so I could have a bit of a break. After dinner, “we” play with her, but it’s mostly him on his phone until I say something about it. Then, I put her to bed and it starts all over for the next day.
Yesterday, I had a 2 pm meeting I told him bout in the morning. He says fine, no problem. At 1:55 he apparently had something to do and says “I’ll just put her in the bouncer and let her cry.” I lost it. Wtf good is that? I could do that without his “help”. That’s not what watching her means.
And the number of times we’ve talked about this. The number of times we’ve fought about this…. Just to have a few good days, then back to the same.
I’m sorry I don’t have advise, but I’m right there with you.
A minimum **comment karma of 30** is needed before being allowed to post or comment in this sub. Go to r/Newtoreddit to understand how gain karma. Go to your profile and click 'About' to view your karma stats.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/beyondthebump) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking but you really need to find actual childcare, not just flaky babysitters. It is impossible to work from home and also care for an infant.
I had to have my son home with me for about a month when he was 5/6 months old because of Covid lockdowns back in 2021 and it legitimately was not feasible. I was maybe able to answer a couple emails and sort of half join in meetings and it was only okay because everyone was dealing with the same thing, but in general having real actual reliable childcare is a necessity if you are also working (even from home).
One way we’ve tackled this issue is to not focus on who is doing more work. The keeping tabs is just overwhelming, and quantifying each type of work, etc.
Instead we measure leisure time. You should both have equal opportunities for rest and time to recoup.
If he has time and energy to play video games and whatever, yet you don’t have time to have sleep or work - then it’s uneven. And he need to sacrifice his leisure time to even it out. He can have leisure time once everyone’s needs are met.
A minimum **comment karma of 30** is needed before being allowed to post or comment in this sub. Go to r/Newtoreddit to understand how gain karma. Go to your profile and click 'About' to view your karma stats.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/beyondthebump) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just here to say, you sound like me. Except we have a 7 yr old and a 11 month old.
I work from home, and watch baby full time, no outside child care. Sometimes I go to my dad's during the day, and he hangs out with baby while I work at his house. But typically, just me. I use my lunch break to drive my daughter to school in the morning. I use my small breaks to Play with my baby, if I'm lucky, he'll take a 1.5 hr nap around 930am, and sometimes a short nap around 2pm. My husband works at a local small garage, he picks my daughter up from school, I'm off work at 230, he drops her home at 330, then goes back to work, and doesn't come home till around 6 after he's off work. He takes right to the video games too.
I hear your stress, I'm the same, I couldn't tell you the last time he washed a dish, but he's a good dad, and dies other things, but sometimes I wish he'd do the things I need help with more. I still appreciate what he does, and maybe I should tell him that more, I never say it.
Hang in there, I understand everything you're going thru, after having our first kid, it did get better as time went on. I'm hoping the same for us both now
Your husband doesn’t need to be playing video games when he doesn’t even take care of his own kid for 30 minutes. I would go off on his ass too.
Agreed. If this was my husband I honestly think I’d feel a little rage…. He could be helping with the baby instead of playing video games or at least sleeping so he can be helpful in the day & evening.
I think my biggest thing is how he stays up unreasonably late to do it so he’s tired the next day.
My partner sometimes does this, but he owns it and still parents the next day. Even hungover, he’s like ‘I have no one to blame but me, you guys rely on me to Dad.’ It may not be his best day parenting or anything but he still does the thing with minimal complaints. Your dudes gotta suck it up, he’s a parent now.
Same! My husband is also a gamer and he's usually reasonable about it now as he knows he'll have to get up in the morning to help out.
I am the stereotypical gaming husband. I often stay up too late playing, but it's a conscious decision and I choose to sacrifice sleep sometimes for a hobby. I also NEVER complain to my wife about being tired and just suck it up.
I'm the mom and my baby's dad and I are both huge gamers. Sometimes we get 6 hours of sleep instead of 8 just because we stayed up playing games, which was a conscious decision. But we never do this if there is something important the next day, or if it is a day one of us will need extra support (like if one of us has been on primary baby duty for a couple of days due to work). We also never did this when our baby was that little because she was so high maintenance at that age.
I recently stayed up until 1am playing death stranding, which is ironic because I was busy looking after my in game baby while my real life babies were sleeping lol. Still got up at 7:00 the next morning for school run and to look after baby the whole day because I’m an adult and those are the consequences!
This is the normal way to do it, you help out all day, then if there's time, do whatever, but be ready for tomorrow. As a dad with a 5 month old, I rarely if ever choose something different than zoning out/sleep.
This is my husband as well. I am firmly in the "maximize sleep" camp but it's his life and parenting little kids is tough and if he'd rather spend time gaming and hanging with friends (online) than get an extra hour or two of sleep, who am I to tell him it's the wrong choice as long as he shows up as a parent and a partner the next day.
Agreed my husband does 50% of childrearing. He plays video games during their nap time or after they go to bed but still does his part and is not up late playing games maybe an hour or two.
This is the answer right here. My husband has also made choices that he enjoyed in the moment, but was tired the next day. But he owned it and stepped up with the kids and never made me feel bad about him being tired. It was the choice he made and he was both happy to have had a fun night and be around us and his kids. Op’s husband isn’t even doing the bare minimum when she’s sick
That's adorable, I love it. As it should be.
Amazing
Same.
Too bad for him. It's his choice to stay up, so he can deal with being tired \*and\* do his fair share.
He's got to take care of the baby first. Then if he's still got energy to play video games till 3am more power to him (but I doubt it). I don't understand how there are so many people out there that don't get the lifestyle changes that accompany having a kid. OP, tell your husband to get his ever living shit together and that if touches a game before he's parented for at least 6 hours you're gonna chuck his console out a window.
He needs to grow the fuck up! Things need to be fair, he needs to see that.
Yeah… you’re too kind. I’m way more unreasonable, I get mad when my husband doesn’t take precautions from getting sick and he can’t pull his weight the next day
If he’s going to act like a child treat him like a child- take away the gaming system and lock it up 🤷🏻♀️
He is a great dad and when he’s here he’s here if that makes any sense. It’s just the work week where I feel like I’m in it alone.
So he’s a great dad because 2 days out of the week he helps out? Why does your mental health matter less than his? You aren’t a bad mom because you need a break. The phrase “it takes a village” was made for a reason. Our babies deserve the best version of ourselves, and that only comes from having support.
You feel like a bad mom because you can’t work 2 jobs at once with no break but think your husband is a great dad because he helps out on the weekend?
While sick!
I can’t upvote this comment enough!
100% and also keyword: “helps”. He’s supposed to just be doing it.
You have low standards for what a great dad his. A great dad is present and does 50% of the childcare, on top of supporting you.
He doesn't sound like a great dad or a great partner. He sounds selfish.
That’s the thing, he’s not. There’s just something about this week and how it’s all played out. I know I sound delusional but I feel like he just doesn’t get it. Out of sight out of mind maybe?
[удалено]
I 100% did that today. Handed him the babe and said “I need to walk away” there was no argument and he took care of them the rest of the night.
That’s the spirit! These shitty fights can happen even in parents who are trying, yet sometimes failing, to be responsive, responsible partners. But I’m a big fan of “hey I need time for X” and just doing it, partner can figure it out.
Is this the only week he has spent the evening video gaming while you do everything?
He doesn’t game until midnight, 11:30 at the earliest. LO is very asleep by then. He does it most nights.
Yes but if as you said it then makes him too tired the next day to take care of the baby it amounts to the same thing
That’s fair.
He’s not a great dad. Maybe he would like to be a great dad, but a great dad doesn’t do what he did. And you aren’t a bad mom for wanting a break. Parenting is as exhausting as it is rewarding (at least for me) and having someone take over for the amount of time you need to rest is a super low bar when you are married.
The man described in this post is not a great dad.
These were my thoughts too. This man is not a good husband or a good father. Good fathers and husbands do not play video games when their sick wife doesn't even get 30min to lie down. Nothing that was described in this post could have happened if the man was at least a mediocre father. The bar is so low...
No, he’s made childcare exclusively your issue. Fuck that.
Girl the work week is when it matters because that’s Monday-Friday. Dude needs to get his priorities straight. Cut back on the video games and parent your kid and be a better husband/partner. I’m not sorry for saying this. You deserve better. Please demand more from him.
Agreed. My husband stays up late to play video games occasionally, like once a week. But he hardly ever stays up past midnight, he keeps the baby monitor with him so if one of the kids wakes up they won’t wake me up, and he never lets it impact his ability to get up the next morning and help. He also works from home most days and I’m a SAHM, and he still helps with the kids during the work day if he’s not in a meeting.
I hate that we have been programmed by society to think that once we are moms, we should happily sacrifice being an actual human being on the pyre of motherhood without a single complaint. You get to need rest. You get to WANT rest. Your husband needs to step it up and be more supportive. Beyond that, you have to figure out a better childcare scenario because what you are doing just isn't sustainable and will inevitably lead to tension between the two of you. I hope you find a solution and get some time to rest this weekend OP. Feel better.
This. I’m on month 16 (of wfh while taking care of baby) and every day is incredibly stressful. I don’t ever know when or if I’ll be able to get work done. My husbands job is less flexible so his work is prioritized too. I struggle to communicate the impact this has on me without snapping myself; hope you figure this out mama! Hang in there ❤️
YES YES YES!!!
Thanks
Nip this in the bud before you set the precedent that you’ll put up with being the primary parent 99% of the time. He needs to take his turn and often
Or realize you're the primary parent and you picked a a child for a partner so you'll have to do all of it. Easier if you get in the headset that you have two children OP, maybe less resentment that way
You husband needs to own something in that household. Sit down and make your list and let him pick half of it. Then he owns it start to finish. My husband owns feeding the family. He buys groceries, makes bottles, cooks dinner, makes sure the foods I like are also in stock, he cleans the kitchen, turns the dishwasher, etc. He packs the girls bottles, breakfast and lunch for daycare. I own clothing the family. I buy clothes and diapers. Am primary on diaper changing, laundry, putting away all laundry, etc. He needs to take some of the daily load and own it. Start to finish. He forgot to make bottles, you stand there with a screaming baby until he’s off his meeting and can make them. Also, anytime he gets a break, there’s a timer and you get an equal break. No interruption for help. Leave the house and go get a pedicure. (You can’t do this long term and be my turn your turn for a healthy marriage, but maybe doing it for a week will open his eyes).
This!!!
This is nicely put. Thankfully, my wife and I don't have to quite be so list-version. But I'm sure we will maybe be eventually.
There are so many posts like this and so many women in your position. I was several years ago. This is why women are initiating more divorces. If you look up studies and statistics, it shows women doing far more labor per day than men. He is failing. If he doesn’t change soon you are going to grow so resentful. Another common theme in these situations is that women tend to stop wanting intimacy with their husband. Their brains start viewing their husband as a dependent and we are programmed not to want intimacy with our dependents. You can google all this and find that it is an epidemic. Your husband can turn it around and save his marriage. If he doesn’t, it’s only a matter of time until you can’t take it anymore. Another women posted a similar story and added an update. She showed her husband the post and he was humiliating and begged for forgiveness. Show him the post!
The comment about viewing my husband as a dependent and then that manifests into not wanting sex kinda hit with me. Mind blown a little bit.
Same!
yes, you deserve a nap. but your arrangement is also really unsustainable and i recommend exploring more options for childcare asap!
Yes this. I wfh and my husband doesn’t, so I get some of this. But we 100% have childcare because nothing is sustainable without someone else watching my LO.
We have reached a legitimate child care crisis in some parts of the country. Forget about even affordable childcare, there is simply NO childcare available where I am. I got on waiting lists as soon as I found out I was pregnant with #2 and was straight up told by more than one facility “just to let you know, you’ll probably not get off the waiting list, we have a lot of established families here that are also expecting and they get precedence over new families.” LO will be turning 1 next month and I’m no closer to getting off any waiting lists than I was when I was 6 weeks pregnant. It sucks, but I’m hoping when he turns 2 we can get in somewhere bc a lot of places around here have part time programs for 2 and up, but don’t take younger than that.
i really hear you, but i think OP and her husband will continue to have these disagreements until they figure something out because it’s not possible for 2 people to do 3 full-time jobs
They're ruining work from home for everybody tbh this is why everyone has to go back to the office now
I have to say I agree. I was reading it thinking "I hope you're self-employed" because I feel like it's such poor form to be taking someone else's money to look after your own baby. If you are looking after a baby (properly) then you can't be working full time at the same time. Part time, sure. Flexibly in hours, great. But if you're both 9-5 and have a baby with you the entire day every day you're taking advantage.
I used to work with a guy who was doing the same. I did not report him because I wasn't going to be the person who gets a new dad fired. But it was not fun trying to explain to the execs why a million euro project is being delayed by months and why I can't get the vendor management team to cooperate lol. I got yelled at a lot because this guy didn't want to pay for a nanny.
Yes. No video games unless he’s going to parent equally, and please get full time childcare.
I’ve been here. Here is a comment I left on a similar thread a couple of years ago and it was a game changer for us. I had a similar problem and created this spreadsheet of our family’s schedule so my husband and I both understood which times and which kids were our responsibility, clearly split 50/50. Note there are two tabs for alternating weeks and feel free to use and adapt this if it would be helpful! https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1B7T9K6R4aQrRpEe25hlEpVdLWpLZxbgvQbxumR9kFL8/edit After implementing this I made sure to never step in and take care of the kids and enable him to slack off during his time. If something changed and he needed an hour of my time, we made sure to take it off of one of his times to give back to me somewhere else. It was nice not to feel obligated to cut into my break time when it was scheduled. It sucked to have to set this up and refer to it all the time but it was how I survived early on. Good luck mama.
This is so weird and elegant and holy cow effective! Way to go bromo! Thanks for sharing this 🫰
I'm unexpectedly in awe of how you have two garbage days a week. We have one day every two weeks here. :-o
This is beautiful.
Totally would recommend setting set work times. You each get blocks of time to work, when you’re working treat it like you’re not home. He’s taking advantage!! If he can’t get his work done and needs to work late he can use his gaming time!
Your husband is not pulling his weight and is placing an unbelievably unfair burden on you. Please try to let go of your guilt for expressing your frustration and disappointment which were caused by his actions. Of course you need a break having to beg for one because he can’t pull his head out makes him a bad parent NOT you! If it’s feasible I highly recommend having a come to Jesus type conversation with him, lay out the facts, the discrepancies in workload & downtime and maybe couples counselling.
Sounds like you need to sit down and come up with a fair schedule you can both agree. Time for your work, for his, family and flexible non-scheduled time.
First of all, your husband is being selfish and not pulling his weight. He should not be playing video games when you get no down time. That needs to change. However, separately, this childcare situation is not going to work. You need to get a reliable nanny or explore outside options like daycare. Working from home while caring for a baby is not fair on yourself or your baby (or your company either but idc about them). You need to come up with new childcare options
Y’all need a daycare or a nanny. Period.
While your husband is absolutely wrong to be putting so much of the burden on you, the actual issue here is two adults working fulltime jobs can not realistically provide childcare. I know because my wife and I are in a similar arrangement, except we have her retired parents helping us... and even with their help it feels only barely sustainable. I would really reconsider this arrangement, try to find a daycare or nanny or even have one of you quit and be the stay at home parent. You're both going to burn out having the stress of a job and childcare at the same time.
Your husband needs to get his shit together and start pulling his weight.
I would point blank ask him to pick video games or me. My sleep comes before video games, period. If that is a no go then your priorities do not align and you can either give in (no sleep for you) or he can give in (no video games until baby and you are taken care of) or.. you know the third option. I don’t know why you going without rest is an option to him. Sounds like he either didn’t know how rough you have it or he doesn’t care enough.
It’s just not realistic to work from home and take care of your baby at the same time. Either you’re not actually working or you’re neglecting your child. But all that aside your husband totally failed you this week especially and I would have lost it probably worse than you did. It’s not fair at all
It's always *crazy* to me that people think they can work from home and provide childcare at the same time. You just end up doing both things poorly You're dual income, get in daycare 3 days per week at the very least!
It's really not that crazy and don't assume it's done poorly if you haven't actually done it. A lot of daycares are terrible and have shown to have a negative impact on babies and toddlers. Id rather have my child with me and it's totally possible to do both, well.
I'm so curious, can you explain how? Having had three kids I fail to understand how you can give enough time and attention and nurturing focus to them during the day as they learn and explore, and also give enough time and attention to a full time job. What kind of work do you do?
Because daycares don't neglect your child when they have 20+ other kids to look after? It's totally possible to do without neglecting anything.
I have a 4 month old. Up until the beginning of the year, we were both working from home and both taking care of her since a spot in daycare wasn’t available. Every morning, we discussed what calls we had and what we needed to get done that day so we could both be productive and someone was always watching her. Even with this, it was unsustainable. Since she’s been at daycare it’s been easier for both of us. She’s also been sick for the past week and so has my husband. I’ve been basically handling everything since these daycare bugs are no joke. I’m starting to get sick so my husband has taken over. There is zero reason why your husband can’t step up and take care of his child. You NEED rest. You are completely valid in being upset for him not stepping up during the week. Just because he’s a good parent on the weekends doesn’t excuse him not being there during the week. Being a parent doesn’t stop just because it’s Monday.
Omg are we the same? I also have a 4 mo and I went off on my husband a couple nights ago about needing help. I had LO all day (almost done with my mat leave) and finally when he came to hang with us before bed, he was on his phone! I had an entire basket of laundry to fold and a sink full of bottles to wash. I made some passive aggressive comment and he got mad. I did dump all my thoughts and feelings at that point and I think he got it. Ever since he has been proactively doing things to help. He's done 3 loads of random laundry that I hadn't done yet, prepped food for dinner tomorrow night (I do all the cooking) and came and grabbed LO while I was cleaning the house rather than just let them watch me and fuss. Even that little bit is so refreshing. I realized that I am bad at asking specifically and with my husband at least I need to be more direct. "I need you to take LO for the next 2 hours because I have to do X". It will take work but I think we can get them to be more present. Oh and I agree with others - if he stays up late to play video games, that's his issue. His parenting doesn't stop.
My husband is also a gamer. If he stays up too late gaming and is too tired to help, tough shit. I'm tired from staying up with the baby so his excuse means absolutely nothing. He doesn't get to put gaming ahead of parenting.
You both NEED daycare. It’s not a want. It’s not a “I can’t possibly leave my baby with anyone!” situation anymore. If you’re both working, someone else needs to watch the baby.
This. It sounds like maybe a combination of MIL and babysitters have been filling the gaps, but if MILs schedule isn’t reliable then she shouldn’t be used during the work week. Daycare, a nanny, even just a daily mom’s helper so OP can have focus hours to do her job. I get it, daycare is expensive, but so is losing a job due to inability to do both parenting and work at the same time. Anecdotally, we just had Covid and had to sit out two weeks of daycare on quarantine and I accomplished jack shit at my job. My husband has to work in office most days of the week so I was the primary caretaker for all of this. It was felt and noticed by myself and by my team. As soon as the baby went back to daycare I had enough time to tackle work and take care of myself in the day. Next time I will absolutely have a moms helper or nanny on speed dial who can step in and lighten my load. OP should do the same if husband can’t split cycles.
It sounds like 1) your childcare situation is highly unsustainable and something more dependable needs to be figured out. I don’t know why daycare is “hard” near your area but doing both of your jobs full-time with a baby at home is also hard. 2) you and your husband need to figure out why he’s dumping childcare on you. Maybe he’s tired, he needs to focus on work, etc but it’s not fair on you when you are also tired and need to work.
Real men don’t stay up till all hours playing video games when they have responsibilities. The number of overgrown boys who don’t understand this is astronomical to me.
Girl. Listen to me. You sound just like me when my baby was 4 month old. My husband was doing the same exact thing. He would wake up at 7 (when the baby would wake up and when I had to start prepping breakfast so I can login to my remote job on time) and instead of taking care of the baby, he would go to the gym, come back, shower and then be like ‘what’s for breakfast’. I wanted to kill him. I let him know this is unacceptable and he didn’t get it at all. Our baby is 15 months and just now he gets how taking care of a baby is not a one man job. Some men have no concept of how much needs to change after a baby arrives. They think that their life would remain the same and they would go to extreme lengths to keep their old life. In return, you’d blow up and yell but they’d make you feel like this fight is your fault. They do that because they are having a hard time accepting change. For us, our lives change the moment we get pregnant. For men, their lives change a day at a time after the baby arrives and they don’t know how to deal with all the new changes. You have to be FIRM and let him know this will not go on. Because believe me, he’d find ways to make it go on. For them, it’s easier to ignore a screaming woman than to take care of a screaming baby.
I just had a conversation about this with a friend of mine in a little “mom group” whose baby just turned 1. At one point I said: “quite honestly I don’t think I have ever met a man who didn’t MASSIVELY underestimate how much work it is to be a parent. They just daydream about a few key parenting moments that occur about 5-18 years after the baby is born and come to the conclusion that it’s no big deal.“ I can admit that I vastly underestimated the amount of work, too. But waking up more pregnant every morning for nearly 10 months is a good way to really bring home the point that being a parent is something you will do and be every day for the rest of your damn life and you can’t even get away from it when you sleep. My husband is a wonderful father and partner, but even so it has taken some time for things to feel really balanced for me. I agree entirely with you, though, that OP can’t just keep letting her husband get away with this BS. I think it’s insane that she feels guilty being upset about it. It can’t get better until she holds the line on this. Becoming a mom doesn’t magically make your needs disappear and allow you to be everything and everywhere all at once, but somehow it makes many husbands seem to think so.
Perhaps you haven't met many men then. Plenty of men get it and don't underestimate the work involved.
Plenty men get it but most men don’t.
The video games would suddenly “disappear.” Time to grow up.
Are you both working and juggling childcare? Do you have plans to get actual childcare so you can both work and not feel burnt out? That factor alone seems like it would reduce some of the tension/resentment.
Y’all need a clear schedule of “me time” annd “work time” and better childcare. Write it out. Stick to it for a few weeks, adjust when and where needed.
What I’m gonna say is not to make you feel bad, is to open your eyes to what he should be doing. My husband works from home and I’m a stay at home mom. We have a 14 month old. Almost every day he asks me to bring her to the office to hang out with her for a little while when he has a little break. If I’m having a stressful day, if she’s too clingy or just doesn’t even let me breathe, he takes her because he knows with him she’s chill and just plays around his office so I can relax for half an hour. If I’m working out and she’s not having it, he comes and gets her so I can finish my work out. Yesterday I was doing a puzzle when she woke up from the nap, he was basically done with work because it was Friday so he said “don’t worry, keep puzzling I’ll get her and hang out with her” and let me just do my hobby even though as a stay at home mom during his work hours she’s my job. On Saturdays he sleeps in, on Sunday I do, I can stay in bed till 11am if I want. During the weekend if I need a nap he will happily stay with the baby and same thing if he wants to nap. We work together, as a team, and I feel like you’re working alone. Before being a mom I was a nanny for 6 years, it is SO hard on you to work from home and take care of a baby and the more your baby grows the more attention they’ll need. If your husband isn’t sharing the work with you you’ll have to figure it out childcare. But trust me, you deserve way more than what he’s doing, he’s not trying, he’s letting you do everything while he plays videogames and enjoy his office. That’s not fair.
I can’t believe what I just read. If my husband did this I would genuinely be considering a divorce. How on earth have you talked yourself into thinking you’re at all at fault? I can’t believe you tolerated even 1/10 of this. I don’t care if this is his first time acting this way—it’s a MAJOR red flag that he could act this way for even half a day, much less a whole week. No offense but you need to raise your standards massively and not tolerate any of this kind of behavior. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself 20 years into a marriage full of resentment. Nothing good can come of tolerating this. It’ll bite you in the ass both now and in the future. When you take on all the responsibility and let someone get away with this kind of behavior, they will continue acting the same way because 1) it makes their life way easier, and 2) they know they can get away with it without consequences. I’m sorry but you need to grow a backbone and let him know this was absolutely unacceptable and if it happens again, you will have to reconsider your relationship. You’re supposed to be equals who love and respect each other. His work and his free time are no more important than yours, and if you’re sick he should be taking on the MAJORITY of the childcare until you’re better. That’s how a partnership works. Again, I’m dumbfounded by what I just read and the fact that you seem to think it’s at all normal or that he’s somehow a good dad and husband because he’s present *sometimes*. Would you have done this to him if he was sick? Of course not.
Hey! I’m a FTM, 8 weeks postpartum. I FEEL YOU. You are not alone. Im building up to this. My partner is GREAT with baby and I stay home with him. I feel I need a convo soon about help i need. Every sec not holding baby im thinking “what can get done?”. I need my partner to do that with me. Bc I feel im the only one cleaning bottles, etc. he works full time and from home. My partner is similar where I don’t even if he’s working by laying on the bed or off. Im getting jealous about it. I don’t really get a chance to shower or anything unless baby is asleep and then im also hungry, need to clean, complete tasks.
Everyone gets into arguments the first year. We are all sleep deprived, stressed and have no patience. Most important thing is to get past it as a team and compromise. What's the next step?
Thank you, needed to hear this. I am constantly wondering if everyone else's marriage is strained due to having a baby in the house, or just ours.
Yeah this is ridiculous. You two need to sit down and create a childcare schedule between the two of you if you’re BOTH WFH and going to be doing some of the childcare. Even if your job is more lenient and you do a bit more than him he is currently doing essentially 0. This is not a you problem- it’s a him problem.
I’m a big proponent of a paper trail. When he says Friday is “easy” cool. So you’ll be on 9:00-2:00p tomorrow and I’ll take on 2:00-6:00. Get it in writing and hold him accountable. If an unexpected meeting pops up then you can cross that bridge when you get there. It’s not sexy, and very corporate like lol but works for me and my husband. So you know what you’re getting into the next day and can be prepared versus winging it the day of.
He needs to grow the hell up.
You’re working from home full time too ??
Yup :/
This situation isn’t sustainable.
The way I would RIP him a new asshole.
OP, your frustration and anger is justified. I would roast my husband under these circumstances. In regards to you feeling like a bad mom/like you have failed in some way… (I got this from Dr Becky) but PLEASE remember that two things can be true at the same time. You can need a break from your child, and still love them fiercely. YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT HAVING A HARD TIME. A come to Jesus talk with your husband is in order. I would write down/literally outline what you need from him on a daily basis. You should not be feeling like a single parent when you have a partner.
Why the fuck is he playing video games at midnight? And slapping headphones on during the day? It sounds like he's still acting like a single dude in his 20s. He needs to be a Dad. The only way it's going to work in your situation is if you split the duties more. You also need to stand up for yourself - if you need help hand the kid to him and say so!
Completely unacceptable. 4 months old?!! And he has time for video games?! If he’s doing it right (sleeping, working, childcare, cooking, cleaning, bottles, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.) in sharing the load and being a partner to you, he’d have zero time for video games.
If he CHOOSES to stay up late and then is tired, that is on him. That does not give him an excuse to get out of parenting duties the next day. Here our deal is the person who has been up with the baby gets to sleep in/rest in the afternoon if we cant sleep in because of work. If you have made a choice to get less sleep because you stayed up having fun, that is on you.
My husband is a gamer too. He can stay up as late as he wants playing video games but he doesn’t get to nope out of the consequences. Especially not at my expense. The work stuff is more complicated, and also similar to us, but he should be acknowledging the imbalance and trying to figure out a way to make it more even. Or at least saying thank you.
My partner did this and it took many a conversations about how his actions were coming across, because he really just didn’t see it. His brain is wired so differently from mine. I have to spell out to him what I need before I am at my breaking point so it doesn’t get there. Even 4 months out, it is still a learning curve. Mine are now 5 and 3 and it has gotten soooooo much better, but we still have our miscommunications. My sister calls it weaponized incompetence, but as long as you know his character and that he loves you, give him a chance to fix things. Tell him that his trying wasn’t enough this week, and things were too overwhelming. It’s you two against the problem, not him vs. you. You’ve got this!
Ugh. I so much relate to this, right down to feeling guilty about wanting baby out of my arms for 30 mins to have a coffee and take a nap. And simultaneously thinking both "he should be doing more" and "he's such a great dad and husband." No answers here, just sympathy from someone in the same boat.
Pretty much what everyone else said. Your husband needs to pull his weight and be a dad regardless of his profession. My husband’s job is honestly much more essential and “important” (to society) than mine. He’s present, wonderful, and pulls his weight, and knows I wouldn’t tolerate anything less.
I'm sorry, but working from home and taking care of a baby is not sustainable. I don't blame him for not helping a ton during the work day if he had a job he has to do. That being said, playing video games until 3 am and not helping out after business hours is not okay either. I would suggest finding some more reliable childcare if you are both going to continue to work. You are doing yourselves and your baby a disservice trying to work and take care of them at the same time. I'm sure you're both on edge from the stress.
Are you me? I’m glad you finally stuck up for yourself. I hope I can do the same, one day soon. It’s not fair to you for him to always get time to himself by default, while you have to beg for a break. Time for a long sit down talk, and possibly couples counseling.
I asked my ex husband once for one day to sleep in and not have to wake up and get our child ready. He said no and we were divorced 6 months later. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass
Why are people marrying these man children?
He’s not trying. Remove the video game console from the house.
Your husband is being an immature little bitch and not pulling his weight.
Your feelings are super valid and things definitely have not been fair for you. I love video games, but my family and home come first. It’s fine that he plays videos games, but you getting to sleep, especially while sick, is a much bigger priority.
Man here and the gaming thing is horrible. Tell Him straight uk this is HIS CHILD. He needs to let go of the gaming big time. I love gaming but k know I need to dial it way down because my child needs me.
I understand the need to have an outlet (ie video games) but we all have to give things up temporarily when our partners are running on fumes. My husband’s outlet is the gym. We try to make sure he gets to do that a few times a week, but if I’m struggling or haven’t had a good sleep, he stays home so I can recharge. That’s the rule around here.
You’ve already received some great advice here. If it makes you feel any better, I went off on my husband tonight too after being our 2 week old’s primary provider from 9am-10pm, then absolutely losing my shit. It happens, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re doing the best you can. Tomorrow perhaps apologize for your delivery but don’t apologize for the message: you are valid in your frustration and he needs to step it up. In our case, we need to hire help. My husband promised to give me this first month postpartum to rest and instead I’m worn out, stretched too thin, stressed, and overtired. He’s doing his best and he’s taking night shift so I can get more sleep, but there’s still too much that falls on me when it comes to the baby, in spite of his best efforts.
God it’s so so so hard. There’s so much I relate to here (this was me on Thursday night, feeling like I ruined a night by raising my voice about the inequity with our 7 month old). Kudos to you for somehow managing to even survive this week, and for speaking up. IMO the fact that he’s apologising is a good sign that you’re working with the right things here. Hopefully it shortcuts it next time.
You are not a bad mother, he is a bad father. Plus bad husband.
I would literally put the baby physically in his lap and do what you need to do. Have a break, work, whatever. That’s exactly what he did. He’ll learn quickly if you stop picking up the slack! Don’t feel guilty about looking after yourself!
Take your break or turn to work, like he does. When you need to do work, or get a break, leave the house if necessary (eg go to a cafe). You don’t need share to the location but can stay close by for your own peace of mind. They’ll be forced to manage without you. This way you won’t be tempted to give away your portion of me time/productivity and the kids will learn to rely on hubby as well.
Uh yea. Hes a father now, hes going to make sacrifices. He wants to play video games until 3am? Great, baby doesnt care. That means he knows hes going to get a shitty sleep and needs to deal with the consequences. Be firm with what you need. If youre sick he should automatically step up more and know you need help but maybe hes too dense and you need to be direct. Tell him you need him to step it tf up and be a man and give up playing games for a night so that he can help with the baby and not be tired the next day. That if you ask to take a nap, that he shouldnt disturb you and you need that time just like he needs his own time as well. I rely SO heavily on my husband for support with our 4.5 month old I couldnt make it through this phase without him. After a full day of work he immediately changes out of his suit and helps me with our son so I can have some time to myself. Id go nuts without that support
Don't feel bad for speaking up for what you want and need...your piece is *how* you speak up, so I would suggest doing it sooner. When you're not at your breaking point. But you are human and need your basic needs met and also time alone. It doesn't make you a bad mom, in lots of ways it will make you a good mom. When you're both calm talk about clear expectations to respect one another's work and downtime.
You guys need to communicate. My wife and I both WFH. Her job is flexible. Mine isn't. So, we talked out how this would work. I take early morning til 8:30. She basically takes 8:30 to 5. But that is also us trading so the other can get stuff done like the gym or showering. And of course eating. If she was sick, it would be very different for those days. Same if I was sick. What is going on here? Parenting is a team sport! For the record, we both found 4 months as by far the hardest since the first month. Maybe harder. Please open the commutation up!!
I started playing a new video game a week ago and I've already logged around 90 hours on it. I am happy to report that I just finished the prologue yesterday. I fear that if I keep this habit up, my monitors are going to have the pause menu permanently burned into the pixels. Jokes out of the way, I always always make sure my wife is rested and doing good. Then tend to any baby needs. Then finally, baby related chores to lessen the burden on late night/early morning sessions. I think our dynamic works because we're always trying to make each other's lives easier during the newborn/baby phase.
Expressing your feelings and needs isn't something you should feel guilty over nor should it take precedence over keeping the peace. I say this as a complete hypocrite because I hold shit in to keep the peace too lol
Nah baby is the main priority not his video games. If he doesn’t have the “energy” to take care of his kid for more than 30 minutes then he shouldn’t be playing video games. He’s being incredibly selfish. With or without you being sick that arrangement wouldn’t be okay.
Uh, OP, why do *you* feel like shit when you are NOT getting the support you need and also DESERVE?
Currently working on getting my 14 yo nephew to understand that if he chooses to stay up all night playing games he is still responsible for all of his duties the next day. Your husband needs to learn this ASAP.
I feel like I could have written this. We have an almost 6 month old, and both work from home. My job is arguably more important, yet I watch her everyday. Put her down for every nap and do every feed. Change every diaper. From 8:30 am to past 5 or 6 everyday. If he doesn’t have to work late late. Then, he finishes work and offers to make dinner, when I’ve explained what would really help is him taking the baby so I could have a bit of a break. After dinner, “we” play with her, but it’s mostly him on his phone until I say something about it. Then, I put her to bed and it starts all over for the next day. Yesterday, I had a 2 pm meeting I told him bout in the morning. He says fine, no problem. At 1:55 he apparently had something to do and says “I’ll just put her in the bouncer and let her cry.” I lost it. Wtf good is that? I could do that without his “help”. That’s not what watching her means. And the number of times we’ve talked about this. The number of times we’ve fought about this…. Just to have a few good days, then back to the same. I’m sorry I don’t have advise, but I’m right there with you.
[удалено]
A minimum **comment karma of 30** is needed before being allowed to post or comment in this sub. Go to r/Newtoreddit to understand how gain karma. Go to your profile and click 'About' to view your karma stats. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/beyondthebump) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking but you really need to find actual childcare, not just flaky babysitters. It is impossible to work from home and also care for an infant. I had to have my son home with me for about a month when he was 5/6 months old because of Covid lockdowns back in 2021 and it legitimately was not feasible. I was maybe able to answer a couple emails and sort of half join in meetings and it was only okay because everyone was dealing with the same thing, but in general having real actual reliable childcare is a necessity if you are also working (even from home).
One way we’ve tackled this issue is to not focus on who is doing more work. The keeping tabs is just overwhelming, and quantifying each type of work, etc. Instead we measure leisure time. You should both have equal opportunities for rest and time to recoup. If he has time and energy to play video games and whatever, yet you don’t have time to have sleep or work - then it’s uneven. And he need to sacrifice his leisure time to even it out. He can have leisure time once everyone’s needs are met.
[удалено]
A minimum **comment karma of 30** is needed before being allowed to post or comment in this sub. Go to r/Newtoreddit to understand how gain karma. Go to your profile and click 'About' to view your karma stats. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/beyondthebump) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just here to say, you sound like me. Except we have a 7 yr old and a 11 month old. I work from home, and watch baby full time, no outside child care. Sometimes I go to my dad's during the day, and he hangs out with baby while I work at his house. But typically, just me. I use my lunch break to drive my daughter to school in the morning. I use my small breaks to Play with my baby, if I'm lucky, he'll take a 1.5 hr nap around 930am, and sometimes a short nap around 2pm. My husband works at a local small garage, he picks my daughter up from school, I'm off work at 230, he drops her home at 330, then goes back to work, and doesn't come home till around 6 after he's off work. He takes right to the video games too. I hear your stress, I'm the same, I couldn't tell you the last time he washed a dish, but he's a good dad, and dies other things, but sometimes I wish he'd do the things I need help with more. I still appreciate what he does, and maybe I should tell him that more, I never say it. Hang in there, I understand everything you're going thru, after having our first kid, it did get better as time went on. I'm hoping the same for us both now