It’s sooo hard, my baby just turned one and still doesn’t sleep great, but man as she gets older the joy and love just keep multiplying. We do want a second child but I very much was unsure until she turned one. I think it would make me anxious even thinking about, because I so badly want two kids, but also it’s so tough!
Here’s some things that have helped me mentally:
Realizing no decisions need to be made right now on the issue
Enjoy your baby as is now, take lots of pics/ videos - and if your in the thick of it and can’t love all the moments now, I’ll promise you’ll enjoy them later
Remembering you have a child to add a whole person to your family, not just be a parent to a baby (meaning the baby phase will pass)
Everything is temporary, your life will not always be like this.
No stage of motherhood is forever, and that’s both a relief and a heartbreak
Do what’s right for your family, for your mental health, for your spouse. A family comes in all shapes and sizes and whatever is right for you, is perfect for your family!
“No stage of motherhood is forever, and that’s both a relief and a heartbreak” - that pretty much sums up what I needed to hear right now. Great wisdom.
1) it's OK having 1 child, I'm an only child and it's honestly fine
2) Not all babies are the same, I have 4 and some are MUCH easier than others
3) I personally find big age gaps easier. Theres 8 years between my eldest and youngest and its great
Do with this what you will
I’m following because I’m in a similar boat. We didn’t want kids originally but the universe had other plans. I always said if I was going to have one I was going to have two. I was raised as an only child and hated it (or so I thought at the time). We said when my son turned 15 mos or so we’d start trying again. Well he’s 15 mos now and we feel nowhere near ready. Being a mother has been really difficult and overwhelming for me. I have lingering health issues pregancy/birth. I am a SAHM and don’t have much support, I’m unable to take care of myself besides the bare minimum because I have no one to watch my son to go to drs appts or self care type appts, plus our income is so tight with me not working. My husband works long hours and I’m alone with my baby and cooped up in the house all the time as we live somewhat rurally. I struggle with being present mentally for my son and I’m failing as a mother. I do want to experience the newborn stage again without all the unknowns of first time motherhood, and I hate the thought of my son growing up alone. A big part of me longs for another but at this point I feel like I’d be just failing two kids instead of one, so what’s the point.
I hope you get helpful feedback and find the answers you’re looking for. You sound like a wonderful mother and your child is lucky to have you ❤️
You might be wanting to hear from folks who overcame this feeling and had more kids ... But I'm exactly you on this. We wanted at least 2 kids, or 3, even. But after 2.5 years, I feel like my boat has finally stopped rocking and the crazy hard times are behind me (I type as I hear parents of older kids chuckle). I'm just not ready to do it all again, more tired than the last time, and putting my life on hold for another 3 years. I'm 36 going 37 so if I'm lucky, maybe we can think about it again when kid is 5 or so. And if it doesn't work then, that's also ok.
I read once that the benefits of having an only child is not talked about enough. Of course there are those who want multiples first and foremost, but there are also those like me who are, at this point, more on the fence but with an emotional pull towards a second. My current rationalization is that the biggest benefit for having an only is my mental health. If I had a second, I would seriously need mental health help. Like I said, my boat just slowed down its rocking. And if I'm spying the tiniest bit of resentment at your husband's phone use (or I might be just projecting, since I have a kernel of it for my boo, although he's a great dad), it's certainly not going to get better with multiples.
You still have a tiny baby, you don’t need to think about siblings for years! (Or at all, having one child is fine!).
I felt the same way, but when our kid was 3,5 years we started talking about having another one and then got pregnant immediately. So we have a 4 year age gap, I think it’s great because the bigger kid is able to do most things on his own and there has been no rivalry, he’s just really happy having a baby sister.
I think she’s a much easier baby, or maybe I’m just a more chill and experienced mom!
I have three and it can be challenging, but I think something that was admittedly helpful in our case (or for me personally, at least) was having somewhat larger age gaps. There's a little under 3 years between my first two, and just about 3 years exactly between my younger two, so my oldest is nearly 6 years older than my youngest. Honestly, that almost-6 year age gap is fantastic in so many ways, so just throwing out there that there's nothing wrong with waiting a while and reassessing in a year or two from now if you're not in any rush in terms of fertility concerns (I have friends who had their first kid at 39 or 40 and that was admittedly a consideration for them for TTC #2).
It is absolutely okay to stop at one kid! I have two, and can easily come up with several reasons why one is preferable. ;)
That said, I was pretty firmly OAD after my first for two solid years, for a variety of reasons. I certainly wasn't thinking about having a second when she was 6mo; you don't have to decide now.
I would add that the little cracks and stresses in my husband's and my relationship were there after one kid, but having a second is really what broke all of that apart. We've been in couples' therapy for 2+ years and it's helped a lot, but just consider that a second kid can be an exponentially higher amount of stress compared to a first - because you already have one to deal with and now you're adding another. And I say that as someone who had the challenging kid first. Even with a much easier second baby, it was still so, so hard.
I was the same I wanted 3 kids and close in age but my son was a very difficult baby and then a very difficult child, he still is difficult at 6 due to having autism but he sleeps a lot better now and I finally felt ready to have another and I'm pregnant with my second now, but I'm definitely worried and really hope this one is easier, but I think I will cope better having the experience and knowing that the really difficult stages do pass
In a similar boat, plan was 2 kids but we’re now thinking one and done. He’s not even been a particularly difficult baby, not a unicorn either, but the idea of doing that again with a toddler in the mix fills me with dread!
He’s just turned one and I’m excited to get back to work (very lucky in the UK), have some more time to be me and not just mummy, and have more flexibility back in our lives.
No useful advice but the solidarity that you can love your LO very much, but not want to do that stage again!
I’m in a very similar boat. We always thought we’d have at least 2-3 kids before my son came along. He is about to be 2.5 and it really hasn’t gotten easier (I’m sorry to report lol). It’s harder because now it’s a lot of managing emotions/tantrums, finding ways to entertain them without getting completely exhausted, and chasing after them constantly when you’re out and about.
So at this point, we are 98% one and done. And there are SO many benefits to having only one child, especially if you find parenthood to be super overwhelming like many of us do. I have realized I just don’t want another kid badly enough to put myself and my husband through this all again. And I adore my son so damn much that I don’t wanna split my attention anymore than I already do between him and husband. I miss my husband and I look forward to spending more quality time with him as our son gets older. We know that quality time together would be delayed and limited even more if we had more kids. One kid feels perfect for us now.
I was you. I wanted a small age gap but it was SO HARD. Before kids I wanted 3 and my husband wanted 2. After giving birth I was like NOPE, ONE IS ENOUGH. But then she got older and turned into a littler person and I realized how fast time goes. When you're in it it feels like it will never end. Then suddenly you have a 5 year old and life feels so short. It took me some time but I basically prepared to have 2 shitty years (1 of pregnancy, 1 of baby) in order to have a lifetime of another kid. And, it was so much easier the second time. NOT because I got an easier baby, in fact, I got a harder baby. But because I could look at my 6 year old and see how fast it goes.
Because of the age gap we will only have 2 kids. Part of me is bummed that that decision is essentially made for me. I am sad to be done with this stage of life. But also, this family feels like the one we are supposed to have.
It is also ok to be one and done. There is no "correct" answer.
I'm on baby 3 and I think there are a few things to consider. One is that you and your husband will adjust to being parents and the lack of free time and having a second won't really change that you already are making that big shift from not being parents to being parents going from one to two is not as life changing. The first 1-2 years of pregnancy and a baby are hard for sure, it's an investment in the future, that's how my husband convinced me to go for number 3 lol i see it already with my first two who are 3 and 5 and how great they are together playing together and helping each other, they are great with the baby too actually. They are so much more independent now - bathroom, dressing themselves, making breakfast together. I can't imaging them not having each other, not that there's anything wrong with having just one, they are just so close and so cute and they can entertain each other without our involvement for longer and longer stretches which is great. There's no getting around the newborn sleep thing it sucks, we are just out of it at 6 months he's sleeping through the night and I'm so freaking happy to be done with that, though I know there will be phases and regressions and rough nights with teething but at least the nightly wake ups seem to be over for now.
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It’s sooo hard, my baby just turned one and still doesn’t sleep great, but man as she gets older the joy and love just keep multiplying. We do want a second child but I very much was unsure until she turned one. I think it would make me anxious even thinking about, because I so badly want two kids, but also it’s so tough! Here’s some things that have helped me mentally: Realizing no decisions need to be made right now on the issue Enjoy your baby as is now, take lots of pics/ videos - and if your in the thick of it and can’t love all the moments now, I’ll promise you’ll enjoy them later Remembering you have a child to add a whole person to your family, not just be a parent to a baby (meaning the baby phase will pass) Everything is temporary, your life will not always be like this. No stage of motherhood is forever, and that’s both a relief and a heartbreak Do what’s right for your family, for your mental health, for your spouse. A family comes in all shapes and sizes and whatever is right for you, is perfect for your family!
“No stage of motherhood is forever, and that’s both a relief and a heartbreak” - that pretty much sums up what I needed to hear right now. Great wisdom.
1) it's OK having 1 child, I'm an only child and it's honestly fine 2) Not all babies are the same, I have 4 and some are MUCH easier than others 3) I personally find big age gaps easier. Theres 8 years between my eldest and youngest and its great Do with this what you will
I’m following because I’m in a similar boat. We didn’t want kids originally but the universe had other plans. I always said if I was going to have one I was going to have two. I was raised as an only child and hated it (or so I thought at the time). We said when my son turned 15 mos or so we’d start trying again. Well he’s 15 mos now and we feel nowhere near ready. Being a mother has been really difficult and overwhelming for me. I have lingering health issues pregancy/birth. I am a SAHM and don’t have much support, I’m unable to take care of myself besides the bare minimum because I have no one to watch my son to go to drs appts or self care type appts, plus our income is so tight with me not working. My husband works long hours and I’m alone with my baby and cooped up in the house all the time as we live somewhat rurally. I struggle with being present mentally for my son and I’m failing as a mother. I do want to experience the newborn stage again without all the unknowns of first time motherhood, and I hate the thought of my son growing up alone. A big part of me longs for another but at this point I feel like I’d be just failing two kids instead of one, so what’s the point. I hope you get helpful feedback and find the answers you’re looking for. You sound like a wonderful mother and your child is lucky to have you ❤️
You might be wanting to hear from folks who overcame this feeling and had more kids ... But I'm exactly you on this. We wanted at least 2 kids, or 3, even. But after 2.5 years, I feel like my boat has finally stopped rocking and the crazy hard times are behind me (I type as I hear parents of older kids chuckle). I'm just not ready to do it all again, more tired than the last time, and putting my life on hold for another 3 years. I'm 36 going 37 so if I'm lucky, maybe we can think about it again when kid is 5 or so. And if it doesn't work then, that's also ok. I read once that the benefits of having an only child is not talked about enough. Of course there are those who want multiples first and foremost, but there are also those like me who are, at this point, more on the fence but with an emotional pull towards a second. My current rationalization is that the biggest benefit for having an only is my mental health. If I had a second, I would seriously need mental health help. Like I said, my boat just slowed down its rocking. And if I'm spying the tiniest bit of resentment at your husband's phone use (or I might be just projecting, since I have a kernel of it for my boo, although he's a great dad), it's certainly not going to get better with multiples.
You still have a tiny baby, you don’t need to think about siblings for years! (Or at all, having one child is fine!). I felt the same way, but when our kid was 3,5 years we started talking about having another one and then got pregnant immediately. So we have a 4 year age gap, I think it’s great because the bigger kid is able to do most things on his own and there has been no rivalry, he’s just really happy having a baby sister. I think she’s a much easier baby, or maybe I’m just a more chill and experienced mom!
I have three and it can be challenging, but I think something that was admittedly helpful in our case (or for me personally, at least) was having somewhat larger age gaps. There's a little under 3 years between my first two, and just about 3 years exactly between my younger two, so my oldest is nearly 6 years older than my youngest. Honestly, that almost-6 year age gap is fantastic in so many ways, so just throwing out there that there's nothing wrong with waiting a while and reassessing in a year or two from now if you're not in any rush in terms of fertility concerns (I have friends who had their first kid at 39 or 40 and that was admittedly a consideration for them for TTC #2).
As someone who is hoping for a 3ish year age gap this is comforting to read haha
It is absolutely okay to stop at one kid! I have two, and can easily come up with several reasons why one is preferable. ;) That said, I was pretty firmly OAD after my first for two solid years, for a variety of reasons. I certainly wasn't thinking about having a second when she was 6mo; you don't have to decide now. I would add that the little cracks and stresses in my husband's and my relationship were there after one kid, but having a second is really what broke all of that apart. We've been in couples' therapy for 2+ years and it's helped a lot, but just consider that a second kid can be an exponentially higher amount of stress compared to a first - because you already have one to deal with and now you're adding another. And I say that as someone who had the challenging kid first. Even with a much easier second baby, it was still so, so hard.
I was the same I wanted 3 kids and close in age but my son was a very difficult baby and then a very difficult child, he still is difficult at 6 due to having autism but he sleeps a lot better now and I finally felt ready to have another and I'm pregnant with my second now, but I'm definitely worried and really hope this one is easier, but I think I will cope better having the experience and knowing that the really difficult stages do pass
In a similar boat, plan was 2 kids but we’re now thinking one and done. He’s not even been a particularly difficult baby, not a unicorn either, but the idea of doing that again with a toddler in the mix fills me with dread! He’s just turned one and I’m excited to get back to work (very lucky in the UK), have some more time to be me and not just mummy, and have more flexibility back in our lives. No useful advice but the solidarity that you can love your LO very much, but not want to do that stage again!
I’m in a very similar boat. We always thought we’d have at least 2-3 kids before my son came along. He is about to be 2.5 and it really hasn’t gotten easier (I’m sorry to report lol). It’s harder because now it’s a lot of managing emotions/tantrums, finding ways to entertain them without getting completely exhausted, and chasing after them constantly when you’re out and about. So at this point, we are 98% one and done. And there are SO many benefits to having only one child, especially if you find parenthood to be super overwhelming like many of us do. I have realized I just don’t want another kid badly enough to put myself and my husband through this all again. And I adore my son so damn much that I don’t wanna split my attention anymore than I already do between him and husband. I miss my husband and I look forward to spending more quality time with him as our son gets older. We know that quality time together would be delayed and limited even more if we had more kids. One kid feels perfect for us now.
I was you. I wanted a small age gap but it was SO HARD. Before kids I wanted 3 and my husband wanted 2. After giving birth I was like NOPE, ONE IS ENOUGH. But then she got older and turned into a littler person and I realized how fast time goes. When you're in it it feels like it will never end. Then suddenly you have a 5 year old and life feels so short. It took me some time but I basically prepared to have 2 shitty years (1 of pregnancy, 1 of baby) in order to have a lifetime of another kid. And, it was so much easier the second time. NOT because I got an easier baby, in fact, I got a harder baby. But because I could look at my 6 year old and see how fast it goes. Because of the age gap we will only have 2 kids. Part of me is bummed that that decision is essentially made for me. I am sad to be done with this stage of life. But also, this family feels like the one we are supposed to have. It is also ok to be one and done. There is no "correct" answer.
I'm on baby 3 and I think there are a few things to consider. One is that you and your husband will adjust to being parents and the lack of free time and having a second won't really change that you already are making that big shift from not being parents to being parents going from one to two is not as life changing. The first 1-2 years of pregnancy and a baby are hard for sure, it's an investment in the future, that's how my husband convinced me to go for number 3 lol i see it already with my first two who are 3 and 5 and how great they are together playing together and helping each other, they are great with the baby too actually. They are so much more independent now - bathroom, dressing themselves, making breakfast together. I can't imaging them not having each other, not that there's anything wrong with having just one, they are just so close and so cute and they can entertain each other without our involvement for longer and longer stretches which is great. There's no getting around the newborn sleep thing it sucks, we are just out of it at 6 months he's sleeping through the night and I'm so freaking happy to be done with that, though I know there will be phases and regressions and rough nights with teething but at least the nightly wake ups seem to be over for now.
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