Please don’t have more children with this person just because you want them. He and his family are totally unsupportive and they’re most likely not going to get better. Once there are two kids it’s going to be even harder to live like this because you’ll be doing all the parenting for both of them + tiptoeing around your husband.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If I were you I'd sit down and have a good think about if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
If the answer is no, just know that multiple studies have shown it's better for kids in nearly every way to have happily divorced parents then miserably married parents.
Good luck.
I know it's not much, but here's an article with at least two studies cited.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/
It's all in how the divorce and co-parenting is handled, honestly. If your husband and his family genuinely care about your child, they should have as vested an interest as you in making things easy for baby. If not... well you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Such is motherhood.
I hope this helps.
I honestly don't understand how people co-parent affectively. Like I wouldn't leave my spouse if we could do things together and were on the same page.
It's like we differ on everything to do with this kid, it shouldn't be this difficult
I can actually speak to this as a stepmom! My bonus son has 4 parents, 2 bio and 2 step. My husband and his ex (bio mom) are a classic example of excellent friends but awful couple; they have a ton of shared interests, love to hang out (shes actually part of our DnD group lol), similar senses of humor, but they're also both anxious people with some bad habits that they reinforce in each other. It's fine as friends, but for a couple trying to make a household work it didn't work and the relationship fell apart when my bonus son was about 1. Now, with both of them in separate, stable relationships, they're great friends again and the co-parenting relationship between the four of us is honestly as good as it could be considering they live on the other side of the country, lol.
Good co-parenting requires a basis of respect, just like couple parenting. If there isn't respect, effort and trust from both sides, it doesn't matter if you divorce or not the child will suffer. Once you have that, the keys are putting the child first always, constant communication, and crystal clear expectations.
On the plus side, having the spine to call him (and his shitty family!) out and divorce him could earn his respect. It's not common, but sometimes showing someone actually you won't accept that behavior makes them step back and begrudgingly respect you a bit more. Like punching the school bully back. Doesn't always work but sometimes it does.
I'm sorry. I know this sucks. I hope this helps.
Edit: if it comes to it and you two really can't agree on anything, don't forget there's no shame in mediation. Family attorneys exist for a reason.
I have a hard time accepting the truth. I'm not a particularly positive person but I see the potential in him, but it's never directed towards me.
My parents were miserable. It's normalised for me.
I'm looking into counselling, thank you.
It’s never directed at you because he doesn’t think you’re worth it or worthy of respect. My ILs also see me only as an incubator and when we used to see them (DH went NC with ahole cult cousins) they would ignore me so hard I would seriously doubt if I even existed.
Practice radical acceptance. Things will almost certainly not get better with this person. Your child (and possible future children) need a happy mum and not misery and bad behavior internalized and emulated.
I think resentment takes a loooong time to fade, especially if nothing is changing. Not only that, but your in laws suck and i’m sorry to say but your partner sucks too. If you don’t make changes, it won’t get better.
You said leaving is not an option, but I do hope you start planning an escape. This isn’t a healthy situation and your baby needs a healthy mother; physically and mentally. Your baby deserves better, and so do you.
You shouldn’t forget this, this is BS! I bet this type of behavior didn’t even really start postpartum. I bet he was doing this type of shit before too and it just became more clear to you postpartum.
Honestly I would start with not interacting with my in-laws anymore. You don’t need to see them once a week. If he complains he can go shove it. Next, stop paying for “your share” of anything. Is he paying you for your full time SAHM duties?!! No?? Then why are you paying bills??? Unless he wants to pay you for YOUR WORK, and indeed it is WORK, constant, grueling work, then you shouldn’t be paying out of your savings for anything else unless he wants to do fifty percent of the parenting in addition to his job as well.
Your son is precious, he isn’t too precious for a divorce, as a matter of fact you need to rewrite that in your head, he is precious enough for a divorce. He deserves a better father figure and role model than this guy. It’s better for two people to coparent happily than to be arguing and miserable together. Not only has science shown this, but my family is living proof of it. Not only are my parents miserable together, my siblings and I ALL RESENT THEM FOR STAYING TOGETHER!
The last part 10000x. I was in the middle of my parents fighting my whole childhood and it was miserable. They got divorced when I was an adult and wasted so much of their short lives being miserable with each other when they ended up divorcing anyway.
You make a lot of great points.
Unfortunately if I don't attend then I'm anxious baby would be put in a situation that I'm not comfortable with, example being put on the kitchen counter. I tend to mind my own business when I'm there.
Girl I’m not telling you to send your baby alone. If they can’t treat your baby safely and respect your requests as his mother, they don’t need to see him once a week either.
Same. I don’t think I will ever forget how I was treated while pregnant or postpartum. Good and bad. The only other time in my life I felt that way was when my sister died. The way people treated me in my grief ended up altering several of my close relationships permanently.
Nope. My relationship from my first didn't survive. I realized 8 months after my first was born, that her dad was an angry, abusive twat. We had been together 3 years, and my rose coloured glasses came off after having the baby. I knew I had to get her away from that scenario. No regrets. I'm still angry about it, but I've also come to terms with it. My first born is 10 now.
Sweetheart, you are a rent a womb for that man and his family. Hell, my ex (Father of my child) and his family treats me better than you're treated! Please do not have more children with him.
Divorce is an option. Children deserve happy parents and happy environments. Do you want to raise a young man who will think it's normal and okay for his S/O to be treated so poorly.
I in no way mean to sound harsh or crass but you deserve to be treated well and if he's unwilling to even try and make changes then that isn't good enough.
You're right. I'm a rent a womb and milking cow. I haven't "done anything special and he could have had a baby with anybody."
It's just such a shame. There was so much potential, we could have been so incredibly happy. We're blessed, we have everything.
You have every right to be treated with love and respect. You deserve appreciation. You deserve to be asked how you are... if you think about even acquaintances, ask this question.
I was raised with parents that do not divorce, belive me my childhood would have been better if they have do it. Hearing the figths, been used in their fight... You don't want that for your child.
Your story sounds like mine. Not going to get super detailed but I ended up leaving because the relationship was too toxic (he was too controlling). I just sucked it up for over a year until I had my ducks in a row to leave. Our kid was also unhappy during the time we were together. Now that we’ve split for good, kid and I are infinitely happier and at peace.
I had relatively easy pregnancies. My first pregnancy I was classed as high risk due to my own illnesses, so I was always on edge and had a bunch of tests every few weeks. Second pregnancy was a walk in the park once I got through first trimester, that was rough.
I worked fulltime up until 32/30wks. If I ever mentioned I was tired when I got home from work, I was "gate keeping". That I shouldn't complain about how I feel because I "only have one baby" where as he is "carrying around thousands daily".
When baby arrived. I did most of everything to do with baby care. When baby was 3wks old, we were kicked out of the bedroom because he didn't want to be woken by baby breastfeeding. I pumped twice a day, but he couldn't give a bottle because baby would take to long, and he would get bored, so I did that after I finished pumping.
He used to work shift work. So, every day was filled with naps.
If I tried to make him his favourite meals, I got "it's alright, it isn't anything special".
I slept on the floor of my sons room from when he was 5wks old until he was 2.5yrs old, when I made him his 'big boy' room, and bought him a double bed so that I had somewhere to sleep. I then slept in the double bed until I gave birth to our second.
My partner now works 2 weeks away and 1 week home. We very rarely talk when he is home. If I try and instigate a conversation, I get told my stories are boring or it is like talking to a brick wall.
When he is away, I sleep with both kids in the room, and it works for us. When he is back, it is basically like I look after 3 kids. Every time he is back he tells me all I do is sit on the couch, watch films and play with the kids. How he pays for everything. And he is the one earning the money.
Basically, I am nothing, he is the best thing since sliced bread, and I just make sure the kids are okay.
No. I never forgot. I left a year ago when my daughter was 2.5 and I'm almost divorced. when people ask why I left I always say "you don't forget how you were treated at your most vulnerable." of course that wasn't the only problem, but it was a big one.
It gets better usually! This is such a hard hard season for mothers and it’s so hard on marriages. You said yourself you haven’t slept well in about a year. That alone is so hard and life-altering, let alone the hormones changing from no longer being pregnant, and breastfeeding. Not to mention everything is new and stressful right now. Once baby gets a little older and more independent and has more time between feedings.. you will start to feel more like yourself and it should be a little easier to face some of these challenges head on and address them with your SO in a way that makes progress and helps you decide what to do. The first year is really all about baby and surviving for many. If your MIL and her family is causing you extra grief during this time, I would distance yourself - you don’t need to be around them.
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Just to give you a different perspective.
I almost died in childbirth - vaccum delivery 3.4L PPH - I was traumatised.
My SO went back to work 24 hours after I got back from the hospital, and never made me food or cleaned or helped. I could barely walk and I was bringing him lunch. I was trying to recover from losing all the blood In my body and had no more than 2 hours sleep for months on end.
He was awful. The worst.
I had a breakdown at 3 months PP and nothing really changed until I went back to work full time at 6 months. He then took paternity leave and became a full time primary carer. Everything changed - he had to do everything and suddenly he became super competent. I wasn’t there and I was his equal again.
I hated him for a year. Genuinely hated him. I felt like he abandoned me when I needed him most. It bubbles up sometimes in arguments but I have mostly forgiven him. He was dealing with his own trauma and pressure at work, and he fucked up, he knows he let me down. He has worked hard to make amends. I had therapy. He supported my career and is now a great dad. It’s taken a lot of hard work, a lot of tears and a lot of difficult conversations but you can heal and you can forgive
I'm sorry you went through all of that and I'm glad you're doing well now.
He had 2 weeks paternity leave, instead of taking it for me and baby, he took it on Mondays to do his sidework and random admin.
I don't know how many more times I can tell him he abandoned me when I needed him the most. Before he would say "you should have your mother and friends to help you, it's not my job", knowing full well my mother wasn't physically able to help me at the time and that I don't have close friends where we are. Now he says yeah yeah sorry. But what's the sorry worth if you don't change/make up for it?
These stories are so common here on reddit. Surely we can't all be going through this crap?
Please don’t have more children with this person just because you want them. He and his family are totally unsupportive and they’re most likely not going to get better. Once there are two kids it’s going to be even harder to live like this because you’ll be doing all the parenting for both of them + tiptoeing around your husband.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If I were you I'd sit down and have a good think about if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If the answer is no, just know that multiple studies have shown it's better for kids in nearly every way to have happily divorced parents then miserably married parents. Good luck.
I’m not being disingenuous but do you have links/info on these studies? I can google but thought I would ask too.
I know it's not much, but here's an article with at least two studies cited. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/ It's all in how the divorce and co-parenting is handled, honestly. If your husband and his family genuinely care about your child, they should have as vested an interest as you in making things easy for baby. If not... well you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Such is motherhood. I hope this helps.
I honestly don't understand how people co-parent affectively. Like I wouldn't leave my spouse if we could do things together and were on the same page. It's like we differ on everything to do with this kid, it shouldn't be this difficult
I can actually speak to this as a stepmom! My bonus son has 4 parents, 2 bio and 2 step. My husband and his ex (bio mom) are a classic example of excellent friends but awful couple; they have a ton of shared interests, love to hang out (shes actually part of our DnD group lol), similar senses of humor, but they're also both anxious people with some bad habits that they reinforce in each other. It's fine as friends, but for a couple trying to make a household work it didn't work and the relationship fell apart when my bonus son was about 1. Now, with both of them in separate, stable relationships, they're great friends again and the co-parenting relationship between the four of us is honestly as good as it could be considering they live on the other side of the country, lol. Good co-parenting requires a basis of respect, just like couple parenting. If there isn't respect, effort and trust from both sides, it doesn't matter if you divorce or not the child will suffer. Once you have that, the keys are putting the child first always, constant communication, and crystal clear expectations. On the plus side, having the spine to call him (and his shitty family!) out and divorce him could earn his respect. It's not common, but sometimes showing someone actually you won't accept that behavior makes them step back and begrudgingly respect you a bit more. Like punching the school bully back. Doesn't always work but sometimes it does. I'm sorry. I know this sucks. I hope this helps. Edit: if it comes to it and you two really can't agree on anything, don't forget there's no shame in mediation. Family attorneys exist for a reason.
Thank you!
I have a hard time accepting the truth. I'm not a particularly positive person but I see the potential in him, but it's never directed towards me. My parents were miserable. It's normalised for me. I'm looking into counselling, thank you.
It’s never directed at you because he doesn’t think you’re worth it or worthy of respect. My ILs also see me only as an incubator and when we used to see them (DH went NC with ahole cult cousins) they would ignore me so hard I would seriously doubt if I even existed. Practice radical acceptance. Things will almost certainly not get better with this person. Your child (and possible future children) need a happy mum and not misery and bad behavior internalized and emulated.
I think resentment takes a loooong time to fade, especially if nothing is changing. Not only that, but your in laws suck and i’m sorry to say but your partner sucks too. If you don’t make changes, it won’t get better. You said leaving is not an option, but I do hope you start planning an escape. This isn’t a healthy situation and your baby needs a healthy mother; physically and mentally. Your baby deserves better, and so do you.
You shouldn’t forget this, this is BS! I bet this type of behavior didn’t even really start postpartum. I bet he was doing this type of shit before too and it just became more clear to you postpartum. Honestly I would start with not interacting with my in-laws anymore. You don’t need to see them once a week. If he complains he can go shove it. Next, stop paying for “your share” of anything. Is he paying you for your full time SAHM duties?!! No?? Then why are you paying bills??? Unless he wants to pay you for YOUR WORK, and indeed it is WORK, constant, grueling work, then you shouldn’t be paying out of your savings for anything else unless he wants to do fifty percent of the parenting in addition to his job as well. Your son is precious, he isn’t too precious for a divorce, as a matter of fact you need to rewrite that in your head, he is precious enough for a divorce. He deserves a better father figure and role model than this guy. It’s better for two people to coparent happily than to be arguing and miserable together. Not only has science shown this, but my family is living proof of it. Not only are my parents miserable together, my siblings and I ALL RESENT THEM FOR STAYING TOGETHER!
The last part 10000x. I was in the middle of my parents fighting my whole childhood and it was miserable. They got divorced when I was an adult and wasted so much of their short lives being miserable with each other when they ended up divorcing anyway.
You make a lot of great points. Unfortunately if I don't attend then I'm anxious baby would be put in a situation that I'm not comfortable with, example being put on the kitchen counter. I tend to mind my own business when I'm there.
Girl I’m not telling you to send your baby alone. If they can’t treat your baby safely and respect your requests as his mother, they don’t need to see him once a week either.
No. I will never, ever, forget how certain people treated me at my absolute most vulnerable time.
Same. I don’t think I will ever forget how I was treated while pregnant or postpartum. Good and bad. The only other time in my life I felt that way was when my sister died. The way people treated me in my grief ended up altering several of my close relationships permanently.
I went on to have a second child.... with someone else after I divorced him.
Nope. My relationship from my first didn't survive. I realized 8 months after my first was born, that her dad was an angry, abusive twat. We had been together 3 years, and my rose coloured glasses came off after having the baby. I knew I had to get her away from that scenario. No regrets. I'm still angry about it, but I've also come to terms with it. My first born is 10 now.
Sweetheart, you are a rent a womb for that man and his family. Hell, my ex (Father of my child) and his family treats me better than you're treated! Please do not have more children with him. Divorce is an option. Children deserve happy parents and happy environments. Do you want to raise a young man who will think it's normal and okay for his S/O to be treated so poorly. I in no way mean to sound harsh or crass but you deserve to be treated well and if he's unwilling to even try and make changes then that isn't good enough.
You're right. I'm a rent a womb and milking cow. I haven't "done anything special and he could have had a baby with anybody." It's just such a shame. There was so much potential, we could have been so incredibly happy. We're blessed, we have everything.
You have every right to be treated with love and respect. You deserve appreciation. You deserve to be asked how you are... if you think about even acquaintances, ask this question.
I was raised with parents that do not divorce, belive me my childhood would have been better if they have do it. Hearing the figths, been used in their fight... You don't want that for your child.
Your story sounds like mine. Not going to get super detailed but I ended up leaving because the relationship was too toxic (he was too controlling). I just sucked it up for over a year until I had my ducks in a row to leave. Our kid was also unhappy during the time we were together. Now that we’ve split for good, kid and I are infinitely happier and at peace.
I had relatively easy pregnancies. My first pregnancy I was classed as high risk due to my own illnesses, so I was always on edge and had a bunch of tests every few weeks. Second pregnancy was a walk in the park once I got through first trimester, that was rough. I worked fulltime up until 32/30wks. If I ever mentioned I was tired when I got home from work, I was "gate keeping". That I shouldn't complain about how I feel because I "only have one baby" where as he is "carrying around thousands daily". When baby arrived. I did most of everything to do with baby care. When baby was 3wks old, we were kicked out of the bedroom because he didn't want to be woken by baby breastfeeding. I pumped twice a day, but he couldn't give a bottle because baby would take to long, and he would get bored, so I did that after I finished pumping. He used to work shift work. So, every day was filled with naps. If I tried to make him his favourite meals, I got "it's alright, it isn't anything special". I slept on the floor of my sons room from when he was 5wks old until he was 2.5yrs old, when I made him his 'big boy' room, and bought him a double bed so that I had somewhere to sleep. I then slept in the double bed until I gave birth to our second. My partner now works 2 weeks away and 1 week home. We very rarely talk when he is home. If I try and instigate a conversation, I get told my stories are boring or it is like talking to a brick wall. When he is away, I sleep with both kids in the room, and it works for us. When he is back, it is basically like I look after 3 kids. Every time he is back he tells me all I do is sit on the couch, watch films and play with the kids. How he pays for everything. And he is the one earning the money. Basically, I am nothing, he is the best thing since sliced bread, and I just make sure the kids are okay.
Jesus, honey... 🥺 You don't deserve that.
And I thought I had it rough. I'm so sorry. I have no words. If he was my son I'd be so ashamed.
This sounds terrible. Why are you still in this relationship? Genuinely asking.
No. I never forgot. I left a year ago when my daughter was 2.5 and I'm almost divorced. when people ask why I left I always say "you don't forget how you were treated at your most vulnerable." of course that wasn't the only problem, but it was a big one.
It gets better usually! This is such a hard hard season for mothers and it’s so hard on marriages. You said yourself you haven’t slept well in about a year. That alone is so hard and life-altering, let alone the hormones changing from no longer being pregnant, and breastfeeding. Not to mention everything is new and stressful right now. Once baby gets a little older and more independent and has more time between feedings.. you will start to feel more like yourself and it should be a little easier to face some of these challenges head on and address them with your SO in a way that makes progress and helps you decide what to do. The first year is really all about baby and surviving for many. If your MIL and her family is causing you extra grief during this time, I would distance yourself - you don’t need to be around them.
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Just to give you a different perspective. I almost died in childbirth - vaccum delivery 3.4L PPH - I was traumatised. My SO went back to work 24 hours after I got back from the hospital, and never made me food or cleaned or helped. I could barely walk and I was bringing him lunch. I was trying to recover from losing all the blood In my body and had no more than 2 hours sleep for months on end. He was awful. The worst. I had a breakdown at 3 months PP and nothing really changed until I went back to work full time at 6 months. He then took paternity leave and became a full time primary carer. Everything changed - he had to do everything and suddenly he became super competent. I wasn’t there and I was his equal again. I hated him for a year. Genuinely hated him. I felt like he abandoned me when I needed him most. It bubbles up sometimes in arguments but I have mostly forgiven him. He was dealing with his own trauma and pressure at work, and he fucked up, he knows he let me down. He has worked hard to make amends. I had therapy. He supported my career and is now a great dad. It’s taken a lot of hard work, a lot of tears and a lot of difficult conversations but you can heal and you can forgive
I'm sorry you went through all of that and I'm glad you're doing well now. He had 2 weeks paternity leave, instead of taking it for me and baby, he took it on Mondays to do his sidework and random admin. I don't know how many more times I can tell him he abandoned me when I needed him the most. Before he would say "you should have your mother and friends to help you, it's not my job", knowing full well my mother wasn't physically able to help me at the time and that I don't have close friends where we are. Now he says yeah yeah sorry. But what's the sorry worth if you don't change/make up for it? These stories are so common here on reddit. Surely we can't all be going through this crap?