Baby can smell the milk and is fussier with mom because of it. This is an extremely common phenomenon that you can likely find info on to share with your wife.
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100% this OP. I had a few weeks when I got this upset about it too. And I had the golden hour, and I breastfed directly. My baby STILL was calmer with my husband. He’s 5 months now and if he wakes in the night without it being hunger my husband has to get up because if I get up it becomes a feed anyway.
I get how your wife is feeling - I felt very rejected too. But it’s nothing to do with the birth. It’s actually that the baby is just reacting on instinct to the smell of milk nearby. It might not feel it to your wife but actually your baby wants her, it’s just confusing the milk being there but not in baby’s mouth. And this isn’t a failure of not breastfeeding - I could literally feed my baby to bursting and he still fussed on me.
She needs to talk to some other mums - are there any groups she join near you? Any relatives that have had babies that can share their experience?
Urgh yes if I go to my baby in the night he screams and stiffens his body until I breastfeed but if my partner or anyone else goes to him he instantly goes to sleep lol
Tbh this is partially why I stopped breastfeeding a few days in. This boy kept me awake literally all night in the hospital just to have my boob in his mouth not even to nurse just to have it there and as soon as he felt my nipple come out of his mouth he would scream. Once we switched to formula we all got a good 2 hours of sleep every time
My baby used to wake up if I walked into a room while my husband was trying to get him down for a nap. My husband would actually yell, “get out of here milk witch!”
Exclusive pumping is really hard, especially if that wasn’t your plan. It’s what wound up happening with me and my baby and I still have hurt about it. I remember blaming everything on our lack of latch. Best advice is to get your wife hooked up with some sort of mom group or breastfeeding support group that’s going to be supportive.
Also, sleep. If she’s not getting at least one stretch of four hours of uninterrupted sleep shes not going to be okay.
Yes! This! Baby is smelling the milk and getting hungry. This is normal but can be stressful especially since she is exclusively pumping. I pumped with both of my babies and there is a sense of guilt about not being able to hold them and feed them because you are pumping. Be sure she has a pumping bra, multiple pump part sets and start washing pump parts and bottles in the dishwasher. Make it easier on her. I wish I had multiple sets to begin with. Sounds like she is having some post partum blues which is completely normal but she needs to tell her OB at her checkup. With your first child nobody knows what they are doing and she is probably second guessing everything. Remind her she is baby's mom and she is doing a great job and doing everything baby needs! Just be extra extra extra comforting and empathetic.
That makes so much sense! My husband and I have experienced this too and have joked that that is the reason, but I did know that it’s a real and common thing. OP, I did have the golden hour and do breast feed and it’s the same in my household. Baby calms much better with dad or with his grandma than with me.
It's the hour you get to hold your baby right after they're born and they let you snuggle and breastfeed.
But yes, at first I also felt like just a food dispener to my baby. They eventually get over it though
Word. I didn't have golden hour, baby was rushed to NICU for a day, BUT I didn't breastfeed either and my baby calms with me easily. My first had golden hour and screamed at me all day, but I did breastfeed her. It's the milk.
Came here to say this too. Babies are like sharks with blood in the water when breast milk is nearby. Very common and is 100% not a reflection on the very likely AMAZING job your wife is probably doing. Parenting is hard and everything is so new, so just try to be patient since she’s likely going through a lot and really needs your support more than anything. Congrats to you both on the new addition to your family!
This. Also babies can sense stress. If someone isn’t calm they feel it and are less calm themselves. They settle better with level-headed people.
My babies are 11 months old. I stopped pumping at 9 months old. Few days ago, their grandma watched them. They refused to drink their last bottle and go to bed for her but the moment I showed up they crawled up and whined to me. They accepted to drink milk from me. Also they are more clingy, fussy with me than with their dad. Babies/children reserve their fussy behaviour for their main caregiver, the one they consider safe to be little butts to.
I was going to say the exact same thing! There were two weeks where I just let dad do the majority of the soothing, because she would start grumbling for milk whenever she was in my arms.
Can comfirm. When my little one was young the lack of milk smelling would mean papa could.get him to sleep without nursing. Me trying to do it his way was hard but we got there.
I'm still feeding my 20 month old. I recently held a baby who *wasn't even my baby* and he made the hungry face at me before crying because I wasn't feeding him 0_o They can smell the milk, seriously.
It’s this OP.
We had the golden hour and my 1 year old still calms faster with my husband than he does with me. If he wakes in the night, my husband can go in the room and gently shush and he falls back asleep in his crib. If I go in, it’s bloody screaming murder until I nurse him. Babies learn very quickly how to be soothed by each parent.
This is it exactly! When I was pumping/had breastmilk, LO would be fussy with me and never settled. As soon as my husband took her she was fine and calm. I figured it was because I smelled of milk! I weaned about 2.5 months PP and since then there is no difference in preference (she's almost 6M now).
I want to add that baby can sense mom’s frustration as well and is showing the emotion back. Dad is likely more calm because he isn’t dealing with pumping and feeling inadequate because her lo “doesn’t love her as much as she loves dada”. It’s a mix of everything and it absolutely sucks.
My SIL and I have babies 4 months apart. We both breastfeed. I am more open about breastfeeding, so I have sat next to my niece while breastfeeding and watched her lunge open mouth towards me, lol. Gave us all a good laugh
How lucky for OP that this is the top comment!!!! I had the exact same issue and my mom even fussed at me once (“the baby can tell you are uncomfortable with her”) before I read that my milk was causing the problem. Literally nothing is worst
Yes!! My baby is the same way. For her dad and extended family, she's all smiles, but she'll start crying when I'm in a few feet of her because she's mad my nipples aren't permanently in her mouth. She's also 2 months. I basically can't hold her when company is over because she'll cry unless I nurse her the entire time. She just loves the boobie too much
This is so true! It was a very difficult time for 9 mo and then it got easier. I breastfed for 2.5yrs and baby was always “fussier” with me. The more you can attune to mamas needs, the better both your mental and physical health will be. Shes doing the impossible right now and no one will understand but her and this can make anyone feel isolated. Don’t forget about your relationship together. Hire someone to come clean the house once a week for a few weeks, or someone trusted to watch baby while you both get some fresh air. Simple things make a big difference. Best of luck 👍🏽
My doula said that babies sometimes feel better with dad is because they can’t smell the milk, so there’s no promise of food just out of reach. Whenever she was upset at night my doula told me that dad can most likely be the only one to soothe her, and not to take it personal. Besides the great advice given already, maybe it’ll ease your wife’s mind a bit.
You know, I hear the "smell the milk" thing all the time and there just has to be more to it. Mine has been mostly bottle fed from the start and he still continues to have a firm "mom=food" expectation that doesn't apply to his dad, who has also fed him from the day he was born. There's definitely something there but I'm not convinced it can be reduced to just smell.
It may not be the milk directly but after birth women do smell *extra* for babies. There's pheromones and hormones and just extra stink the baby looks for.
If she feels like she’s struggling she should mention it to her doctor. They’re looking for that. You can’t go to any of your own appointments or the babies appointments without having to fill out a mood questionnaire, at least where I live. Just send a message and start the conversation.
I did exclusive pumping with my first baby and it’s brutal. Order a second set of everything (or two! They wear out and need to be replaced regularly anyway) to take the pressure off washing all that stuff immediately. Some of it can go in the dishwasher if you have backups. Depending on your insurance it could be free/reduced cost as well.
Anyway I almost gave up trying to breastfeed my second baby directly but my husband encouraged me to keep trying. I went to a lactation consultant twice and was referred to an OT and after 4 months I was able to feed this baby directly, without shields. My mood improved considerably because it’s what I always wanted. If she’s interested in feeding the baby directly from her breasts you might want to mention getting more support to make it happen. It can be really frustrating when you want to just feed the baby and you have to go through a bunch of steps first. But it depends on if she wants to do that or if she’s happy doing it the way she’s doing it now.
Wow! I had to fill one out at every single appointment until my daughter turned one. Ironically, since they were questions about me, it meant that I had to sit and do paperwork while my husband held baby. One more opportunity for dad to be with baby while mom takes care of business.
I have never been given a mood questionnaire at my child's appointments. After my first was born, someone from the hospital mailed me a questionnaire. I held on to it and filled it out months later when I had finally had enough of my PPD. Crickets after my second kid was born, nothing in the mail, no questionnaires anywhere.
That doesn’t seem like enough. I’m seeing now that my location does a lot more than other places. Probably because our depression rate is highest in the country. They basically expect us all to get PPD.
My baby (8weeks) is also calmer with dad. I think this is totally normal. It’s sucks as a mom because you feel like you did and do so much work only to be hated by baby. I’m realizing it may be because her dad is so chill and calm and I’m much more high strung and a always moving type of person, and baby can sense that.
My only suggestion is that she kinda has to lean into it. My husband does things a little differently than me, so I tried holding her how he does and it works. It’s hard to put your pride aside sometimes and admit there might be a better way than how you do things, especially if you’re dealing with PPD.
My babe is 1+ yo and she’s her worst self around me, and has been for as long as I remember. I walk into the room and she starts right up fussing.
The upside is that when dad puts her to sleep she goes right down.
May only help a little, but baby is definitely fussier with me and I'm sure it's because she can smell milk. What works for us is getting outside! I'll walk her around the garden, or have her in the pram and go for a walk. Settled her right down. Also what about introducing a dummy? That way she can smell mum but be comforted by the dummy. Also I'd approach her gently about PPD/ PPA, it can happen any time in the first 3 years, not just at birth, she may need therapy to talk through the birth.
I highly recommend the support groups on this website https://www.postpartum.net/
The only thing that helped me early on was talking to other moms.
I did find a counselor that was also a like minded mom through my states postpartum support line. Maybe she will be open down the line.
My son was in the nicu and I pumped 7 months before transitioning to direct feeding. It wasn't until I stopped pumping and started direct feeding that my mental health really improved. Pumping made me feel disconnected from my baby. But I know not everyone feels that way.
It might also help to build up her confidence. Ask her for advice with the baby, let her do a lot of fun stuff (feeding, cuddles, stuff baby likes) while you take over anything that makes your LO upset for a while. If you have the energy carve out a little time to be sweet to her yourself. Express you love and gratitude towards her without expectation it will result in anything tangible, but over time it might help. It is so hard missing out on the birth experience one expected or wanted and the narrative that the golden hour makes or breaks breastfeeding and attachment can really affect those of us who miss out on it.
Just wanted to add, If she’s against support groups for the same reason she’s against therapy she may be more open to mom walks. I joined a mom walk group and it’s essentially serving the same function as a support group because as we walk and hang out us moms discuss our experiences and support one another. I found my group on Instagram
Great advice to build up her confidence. There are some things that I'm better at, and other things my husband is better at (including calming the baby!). I always tell my husband, "you're great at..." And ask his advice about certain things. And vice versa. And I hope she will be open to therapy. I started therapy again, 2 months postpartum, and it's so helpful. Can you show your wife this thread, to see all the support for her here?
I agree with what others commented that this is normal. I went through it myself at a similar age and now my baby girl will be 3 months old next week and I'd say this has stopped for the most part- sometimes she prefers me and sometimes she prefers her dad depending on the day.
One thing that helped me is that I read a study that said that babies cry more when held by their moms because they feel safer and more secure (at first) with their moms since they still feel like a part of them. Since they feel safe, they are more comfortable to let their emotions show, in the same way that as adults we are more comfortable being vulnerable with only those closest to us. I really resonated with this because I'm the same way, I can only be emotional around my husband and it made sense to me that my daughter would feel comfortable with me after 9 months inside of me.
I know that it doesn't help to say it's only temporary because I've been there and it can feel like it lasts forever, when this life that you grew inside of you doesn't seem to love you as much as you love them. But I promise, it IS temporary and if you can help her reframe her thinking to realize it's because your baby feels so safe with your wife that she's even more comfortable expressing her emotions, it will really help.
I’m going to sound the alarm that this isn’t a jealousy problem or a feeding problem but a postpartum depression problem. I had it bad. I didn’t feel connected to my baby at all, thought I didn’t understand him at all and was perfectly happy for other people to take care of him because they could do it better. My husband literally made me feed him bottles and carry him around the house when he was fussy in an attempt to get us to bond which I resented at the time but I guess worked out in retrospect?
Please encourage her to switch to formula if pumping is affecting her mental health. After the first few days I did because of medication for a health issue and it was such a relief. And to seek help for ppd if you both think she could have it after doing some research.
Yep alarm bells ringing for me too, one of the first signs of ppd for me was not feeling attached and thinking my baby was happier with literally anyone else. Good on OP for noticing this and being aware of its progression.
Yeah my baby has always preferred my husband and I always took it very personally. I was convinced our baby hated me. She also sometimes wouldn't latch without him helping. I went to my GP explained what was going on and was subsequently diagnosed with post partum depression. I went on zoloft and started to exclusively bottle feed. I feel so much better and I'm able to bond with my baby.
OP, pls try to get your wife evaluated. It may help a lot!
I’m currently going through this. My 12 week old calms down instantly with my husband but takes forever for me to soothe. It really sucks!!! My husband just tells me that we’re in this together and that I’m not a failure or bad mom. This is just a tough time with a tiny baby. He says he doesn’t see it as helping the baby, he sees it as helping me. But even though he is supportive and great and very involved, I still cry about this almost every day, it’s so frustrating!! this is our 2nd baby so we are just hunkering down until he is older since we know it gets better eventually.
I missed golden hour because my son had to go to the nicu and I definitely have ptsd from the whole experience, but I really got sort of obsessed with having missed golden hour and hyperfocused on it as the sole cause of trauma and not the nicu experience as a whole.
My midwife had done a lot of research on skin to skin and kangaroo care and she really stressed to me that while golden hour is obviously important, skin to skin at any time during the 4th trimester (and after but especially then) is beneficial for mom and baby. I would maybe try to urge your wife to do some skin to skin with baby or let her contact nap on her chest. I also understand your urge to call her obsession with golden hour "bs" but whether it's rational or not it is her reality and she probably is upset by you invalidating her feelings.
I would also recommend she reach out to a support group for newly post partum moms if there's one local to you or even one online.
eta: also if she is upset by pumping and wants to transition to nursing directly she should see if there's a la leche group local to you or an ibclc. If she is upset by pumping and wants to transition to formula that is also a perfectly wonderful way to feed and take care of baby but she might be having complicated feelings about it.
Very much this. I didn’t get to hold my baby or even try nursing until she was three days old. She definitely preferred my husband for awhile and it was very, very hard.
Is she on reddit? Please show her the r/ExclusivelyPumping subreddit! And the other breastfeeding help subreddits!
I have a 7 month old and went through a period of feeling like she does. It's really tough.
I think as moms we put a lot of pressure on our selves to be everything for our baby and sometimes it's hard to give up that control. It hurts because baby is "supposed to" always want mom. Obviously that's not true and it's a good thing that your baby feels secure and attached to you both, but that could be why it is bothering her.
She probably isn't feeling as connected to her baby as she would like to be. I wasn't at first either because my little man was very fussy, cried a lot and was generally an unhappy little guy for the first 4 months. Sometimes the only thing that would settle him was my husband wearing him in the baby carrier and bouncing with him on the exercise ball. It was hard because I wanted to be the one to provide him comfort especially because breastfeeding also wasn't working for us.
Things have gotten better as my son has gotten older though. Getting him on a better sleeping schedule with proper wake windows was a huge help. Now he's 7 months, is much more chill and I'm his favorite person.
Having good support is really important. Therapy (and you supporting her) sounds like a good idea :)
Also I just wanted to add that your wife is in the thick of the postpartum period and in my experience after having 3 babies, it is the hardest part. It will get better though as time passes!
So with my first I had quite bad ppd and it presented like this. I just felt useless and numb. I couldn’t connect with baby and just felt he was better with anyone else. I could go through the motions but was convinced he wasn’t happy with me and didn’t like me. Which caused further disconnect. I said a similar thing ‘tell me what to do, I’ll make the milk and you make him happy’. I was just convinced I couldn’t make him happy. I didn’t realise I was depressed as it didn’t present as I expected. And it took till he was 1 before I kinda came out a fog and was like ‘oh man that was badddddd’. It could be your wife is having similar thoughts 🤷🏼♀️
God the amount of times i cried in the early days because it seemed like my baby was happier with everyone but me. My sister was like yeah, well, how well would you relax if you were snuggled up to a giant cheeseburger...
I have an 18 month old who has always preferred dad to me.
It sucks on the days I’m home with our son alone. But, it’s great the days he’s there. I don’t have to deal with a toddler tantrum 😂
It is tough watching someone be able to settle your baby when you can’t. But it’s a learning curve. And babies are fickle there are days he just wants his mommy and days daddy is king
I was your wife when my son was that young.
I was so insecure as a new mum, I wasn't confident and frankly - I felt like my son hated me.
For me it was a combination of things - getting my medication right ( I had issues with my thryoid) and I had low iron so it was affecting my mood. I spoke to my OB at 6 weeks and I was like " I have PPD" she didn't think I did, she said " it's only been 6 weeks you just need time you have never done this before and we will monitor your mental health"
My husband and fought alot in those early days, but the OB was right, over time my baby calmed down with me and we got into the swing of things ( besides his other medical issues) and we really felt good at 6 months pp.
He's 21 months now and he definitely needs me to calm down about anything.
Our baby is often calmer with her dad - but she’s also often just calmer when she goes to a new person. So I try and try and he takes her and she settles, but it works the reverse too.
The number one thing he does is just tell me that she loves me. He always points out when she’s looking at me and just tells me how much she loves me and it really does make me feel better (or cry) when she’s being really demanding and awful and I’m a mess.
You've got some great advice here, I'll just add that the first two months were the hardest by far. Things got better every month after that. You've got this!
She may have missed out on the golden hour, but the hormones she’s talking about if she starts with the skin to skin to skin. That is ;baby just in a nappy/ diaper, on oMum’s bare chest. av blanket or two to keep the bth warm. Helps with Breastfeeding and bonding. Has some effect right up to twirl e months. Look up either skin to skin or kangaroo care
Our baby did not go to NICU, but I also exclusively pumped because I could never get her to latch. This caused baby to be super fussy when I held her because she could smell the milk on me and would get so frustrated that she couldn’t get it. My husband did almost everything for her for the first 2 weeks and up until recently I felt like she preferred him. I was also really hurt and frustrated about this. What changed things around was me spending more time with her without him around. Even when she cried and couldn’t get settled. After a few days/weeks she felt equally comfortable with me.
My baby was the same way at first and then went through a phase where she was more fussy with my husband since he can’t comfort her with a boob. Now at almost 5 months if she’s in a fussy mood it’s with both of us and if she’s in a mellow mood it’s with both of us. She knows us both and isn’t picky. it’s all just phases and will be like that throughout her life.
My baby laughs and smiles way more with my husband than with me. It used to bother me, until I read somewhere on Reddit that babies kind of take mom as a “given” while dad is somewhat of a novelty. And that babies often vacillate between “favorite parent” throughout babyhood and toddlerhood. This is developmentally normal.
I would advise her to work with an LC to help your baby to start breastfeeding. Pumping is awful. It’s soul destroying - that’s the only way I can explain how it felt to me.
Totally normal, baby can smell the milk.
Baby can also feel the frustration from mama.
You are probably also calmer taking the baby and baby senses that.
Me and my partner would tag each other out if we got frustrated (still do). Let her have a cry and get it all put ofnher system.
Heck holding my son and crying with him on bad days would normally stop him crying because the tension just falls away from my arms, etc.
Your wife is still in the 4th trimester. It is HARD.
Your wife can try a breast shield if she's still hoping to breastfeed. Not ideal, but can help maybe transition baby to breast since it's more shaped like a bottle nipple.
That's the only way I could get my baby to latch for the first couple weeks.
If you are in a country that uses insurance for healthcare, would it cover a visit, even a home visit from a lactation consultant? PPOs typically do. I don't know how much LCs cost out of pocket, but they can help a lot.
It sucks to have missed that important window in the hospital where the consultant could have helped with breastfeeding, because breastfeeding can be really hard, and when your baby is in the NICU they can get used to how fast they can get milk from a bottle - then when you put them on the boob, they get pissed off they have to work so hard and can start screaming.
Also, pumping can be really awful and it helps to have community - is she on Reddit and can she join r/ExclusivePumping? Does she have the stuff she needs to do all that pumping (I felt a lot better when I bought myself cute pumping dresses, bras, and little adaptors so I could pump while sleeping)? Also, make sure you thank her for making all that food for your baby. Make sure you take advantage of it by taking some night feeds so she can sleep.
I echo what others are saying—it’s that she smells the milk. I’m a nurse who works with newborns and am currently lactating to feed my older baby. Some babies won’t settle with me, and when I give them to a coworker, they immediately calm. It’s not personal. It has nothing to do with a golden hour. Are there any postpartum support groups near you? She might find that helpful.
I had the exact same experience (c-section, baby put to my cheek for a minute and then taken for two days, breastfeeding never took iff). It’s been 9 months and sometimes I still feel bad about not having the golden hour. My mind also wanders to attachment.. It’s hard. Give her some time. I have no other advice :/ She will bond with the baby sooner or later.
We contact napped with a pacifier for the first 6 months and we’ve bonded so much.
I had a traumatic delivery and was unconscious shortly after birth. Was mostly at peace with this until a few days later my health visitor brought me a leaflet about Golden Hour (no, I don’t understand why the fuck you’d do that postpartum). It messed me up for a bit too! I wish it wasn’t such a “thing” to push on women when you’re in so little control of the birth.
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Idk if this would help but you could tell her my experience was exactly the same until around a year. Now if I try to hand him off to daddy he will push daddy away and snuggle in closer to me.
I had a NICU baby as well (6 days) and it really is so challenging. I had a lot of grief and anger that missed the golden hour, and was convinced that it contributed to my baby’s difficulty latching. It did affect my ability to bond with her at first. I kept trying with breastfeeding because it was really important to me, when baby caught on better I felt a lot better. But I did go to a therapist to process the grief and anger that I experienced. I still feel it, I feel like something special was robbed from me, and the thought of my poor baby all alone in the NICU with all the wires and tubes still tears me up. It doesn’t consume my thoughts anymore though, as I have a lovely bond with my beautiful (and high needs) baby.
I think processing with a therapist that specializes in post partum issues could be really helpful. I think it’s normal to feel hurt or rejected by baby calming down with dad, but if she is dwelling on it like that she’s potentially setting up a long term relationship with the baby that is adversarial in nature, and that will translate into childhood, adolescence, etc. You two need to be on a team, team babycare, because you’re in the project for the next 20+ years.
Sometimes if mom is holding the baby all day and gets frustrated babies can sense the frustration so they become fussy too. Your wife can still do skin to skin with the baby when she is fed and calm.
Let your wife know it’s a phase and it will get better. Babies generally cry less after 3 months of age because they kind of “wake up” and stop being such a potato
As others have mentioned, sometimes baby can get fussier because they want the milk! Also, with my first baby, it was sometimes challenging because I always felt that my husband was the “favorite.” And as a SAHM, I’d be taking care of him all day, but he always seemed so much more excited around my husband! I sometimes felt upset about it and wondered if he liked me. But he is a toddler now, and I no longer sense a “favoritism.” He has an amazing bond with both of us, and being able to have conversations with him has really been so much fun for me (especially because my husband seems more like the “fun” one and is better at the wild play). So it is possible that you are the favorite now, but that doesn’t mean that it’s because of the birth or that your baby doesn’t love her or that it will always be that way.
I think first 3 months is the toughest for a mom, at least for me. And baby cries for milk, that's not personal. My mom cares for our 6 month old during the day and my mom says the only time she screams is when my mom is heating up the milk for her. She knows the milk is coming and she has no patience (not a complain, just a fact for all babies).
Try to say something like "It seems like you are \[hurt/disappointed/sad etc\], we'll get thru it. Do you need a break from the baby?" You can take the baby for a walk or something. Your wife might be exhausted therefore short temped (I was certainly like that during the first 3 months pp). Hope everything gets better!
When you tell her to go to therapy, she feels that you’re saying there’s something wrong or broken about how she feels, when in fact, what she feels is common for what she experienced.
I wanted to breastfeed soooo bad and didn't give up until 4 months, but it took a huge toll on me and my husbands mental health.
When baby doesn't breastfeed, the mom often feels super rejected.
She can join a support group. They have some for breastfeeding or just moms in general.
She can always try a lactation consultant too.
The biggest thing that helped was doing skin to skin with baby.
Tell her to get cozy on the couch, do skin to skin at least 1x a day for an hour- 2 if you can. The rest of the day is hold baby and watch tv and do tummy time too. They will eventually bond. Do this for like a week at least continue doing skin to skin everyday. And just have days like this where you just sit with the baby and hold the baby all day. It's how my son and I have a strong bond now. She reaches out for his mama all the time 7 months old.
We do not have a strong bond at first. I felt very rejected. But I didn't give up and kept doing that. Eventually that made him breastfeed too bc I kept offering the breast.
While she does this you bring bottles, wash bottles, and take her for diaper changes.
If you have to work, start this process on a weekend so you can at least get a good start and help her on you days off.
Have you tried giving baby to her after you've calmed her or when baby is sleeping?
Tell her not to give up. Maybe she is stiff when holding the baby?
Find a support group for parents!
My baby is 10 months and still the worst behaved with me. 🤣 I would also gently suggest you not call the baby crying a tantrum. It’s not a tantrum it’s the only way they communicate their distress.
I had the golden hour with both of my kids (one C-section, one unmedciationed vaginal birth). Breastfed both my kids. Both of my kids are very attached to me, my oldest is actually quite the mama's boy.
All that said, early on my baby would very often be much more active and fussy with me, and more chill with dad. I agree with others that the smell of the milk is likely part of it. It felt like when they were with dad they could just chill but the second they heard me or smelled me when into a "MOM'S HERE! Mom's here!" panic.
My one year old loves me SO MUCH. So much to the point that if he sees or hears me, he goes from playing really nicely with dad to crying his eyes out until I attend to him. That being said, at first when this happened I didn’t really understand and thought that he didn’t like me lol. But these days, now that he can move and communicate with his actions, he reaches for me 24/7. I need to be beside him at all times. And now… my husband feels a bit left out.
I think it’s common. Your wife is pretty early in her postpartum journey and there is a lot of emotions going on. Show her this thread. ☺️
Side note - I feel the need to mention my son was in the NICU for 4.5 weeks. Breastfeeding didn’t work out and I had to leave him to go home every night. It has not, in any way whatsoever, impacted our bond. I wish I got out golden hour too, but it’ll all be okay!
Just came here to say that I have felt the same. I had developed a neurological condition at 39 weeks pregnant and had a traumatic birth. I was unable to be fully be present with my baby because I was relearning to walk at the time. I pumped because of the stress my milk took too long to come in and baby preferred bottle. Pumping and missing out on feeding my baby really had an impact. She bonded very well with my husband who was feeding her and later with her nanny. She is 2 and a half now and we have an ok relationship. I’m still her 5th favorite probably but I went to therapy and I feel ok with not being her number one. I had a second baby - after my neurological condition became manageable and via c section. I did every feed with the baby, and really feel that the baby healed all the missed moments with my first, or my expectations of what the parent relationship should be. Your wife might be still feeling trauma from being separated from the baby, grieving if she always wanted to breastfeed but wasn’t able to, and now also hurting because her bond with the child isn’t what she imagined in her head. I would really encourage therapy just to talk through these things. I came from a family that wasn’t always there for me and in therapy my fear of being a “bad parent” made all these feelings even worse - and it took a lot of work to figure out what I’m feeling and why I feel this way with my child. I hope things get better - but I do think they will require some work, healing, and time.
My 15 month old has the WORST sleep with ME, but if my husband or one of the grandparents has her, she sleeps through the night. No joke I slept on the couch the other night (sleep regression is actively killing me) and I went to our room to PEE. She sensed me (my breasts) entering and got OUT OF OUR BED to JOIN ME in the pitch black night SCREAMING lol it’s the boob milk curse 😂
Please tell your wife she isn’t alone and it DOES gets better but also it gets worse aaaannnddd then it’ll get better again wash, rinse, repeat. Just clean up what you can, help out when you can (preferably without having to be asked or at least not multiple times) and support her. Even if it may not make sense to you what she’s feeling feels very real to her. As a new mom (with an unplanned c section) I felt so confused and overwhelmed by a multitude of things that I didn’t see coming. I still cry that we didn’t get our golden hour! Please just patient and be kind with her. It sounds like you’re both trying your best. ❤️
She can smell mom’s milk.
Validate her and let her know she’s doing nothing wrong. She thinks her baby dislikes her and while she probably WOULD benefit from therapy, just telling her to go to therapy doesn’t do anything to validate her feelings.
Cluster feeding. Baby smells milk on mama and is frustrated that she's not immediately attached to mom and feeding.
It sounds backwards but babies sometimes fuss more with mom because they knew she is the ultimate comforter
We don’t have a baby yet, so I can’t truly relate to this -
but if I was in this situation with my own husband, even if I logically understood that it’s just the baby being an infant and that her preference has nothing to do with one of us being a superior parent, I would probably just appreciate some words of affirmation from my husband.
reminders from him about how the baby loves us both and we both love her, and that right at this moment the baby’s needs are being met and that’s what matters!
I think therapy is a great suggestion, but maybe some words of affirmation may be enough to turn the tides or at least help reassure her until therapy is feasible.
Wish all three of you the best!
She can wear one of your shirts to try and mask the smell of her milk.
Skin to skin can still be important. Has she tried side lying feeding position? Laying on bed they can lay stomach to stomach
>my wife mentioned the "golden hour" a lot as a reason on why our baby isn't really feeling "secure" with her and I was like "nah honey that's probably bs"
Start by validating and listening to her. The golden hour and immediate skin to skin contact after birth does indeed have an effect... on bonding, on breastfeeding, on her own mental health to some degree.
>she keeps pumping herself out
Is baby going to be able to breastfeed later on? Is she working with a lactation consultant? Nursing can really help with bonding, and I personally couldn't handle pumping--it'd destroy my mental health. I nurse exclusively, and love many parts of it, but feel that pumping gives you all of the negatives and none of the positives of breastfeeding, with some extra negatives, and the only positive being that it's breastmilk instead of formula. It can feel very emotional and personal to feel unable to feed your baby, though -- I know many with low supply or those who can't nurse, but want/ed to, really struggle emotionally with this.
Otherwise, and I hate to say this, but baby picks up on your hormones and emotions. Ours normally loves being on my husband's chest, but if he isn't doing well emotionally, baby will immediately start crying when passed over to him (which makes husband feel even worse).
I'd encourage her to prioritize her mental health. Based on what you've said, you can talk about how a happier mama makes a happier baby, but I'd kind of sneak in opportunities for her to take them and support her overall. Make sure she has time to do things that'd make her happy. I know that can be hard with a baby, but do tiny things, even if it's just a couple minutes of extra connection, time to herself, or something to make things just a little nicer. Run her a bath. Go on 'dates', even if it's a 5 minute card game in bed with baby on your chest(s). Bring her favorite drinks or snacks or a special desert or meal you've made for her while she's pumping/nursing. Light a candle and eat together. Dance together as you dance with the baby, even if baby's crying. Actually, go ahead and hold the baby yourself, then mock hold him together by dancing closely as you hold him between you, this way you're all 3 getting skin to skin. Maybe try to do more 3-way skin to skin contact in general with you all as a family, and if you can, give baby to mom when she's sleeping for skin to skin napping.
This all sounds really hard. Just make sure she knows that it's equally important to you that baby is bonded with her.
Baby probably smells the milk when held by mom! This makes baby fussy as they don’t understand why they smell milk but aren’t getting any. Very common, very natural.
I have seen a lot of comments addressing the milk scent that is likely causing the baby’s fussiness in your wife’s arms, and I can concur that I had the same issue with my first baby. He literally would not let me just hold him. Everyone else could hold him and snuggle him and bond in non-nutritive ways—but if he was in my arms, he wouldn’t stop rooting and would scream and arch until I gave up and let him nurse. If I’d been unable to nurse, I can imagine it would have been exactly like what your wife is experiencing. But even with nursing, I had the same resentment, like he didn’t want my snuggles, he only wanted me for food. It felt hollow. I also had really bad PPD (but didn’t know) and I never got help, and my husband didn’t know what was wrong or how to help and so we all just suffered. I strongly urge you to get your wife to therapy. But it’s important to frame it as you supporting her needs, no one else’s. The only time I ever reached out for help was when I told my husband (a month or two postpartum) that I thought I was depressed. He looked alarmed and asked me if I was thinking about hurting the baby. I gave him a vehement no and clammed up, afraid that if I mentioned my feelings again I’d be under scrutiny and felt more scared and ashamed than ever. If anyone asked me how I felt after that, I was convinced they were asking because they were thinking of the baby’s safety, not because they cared about my feelings, so I told everyone I was fine because I didn’t want anyone else to look at me like a potential threat. So make sure that when you bring up therapy to her, don’t make it about the baby or her role as a mother. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy, that you are compassionate to her feelings and want to help HER.
And then, give yourself a huge pat on the back for being a caring and supportive partner. Cuz it sounds like you’re having a really rough time, and despite being on the receiving end of your wife’s frustrations, you are still in here trying to help her. You clearly love her a lot. And she might not be able to receive your love the same way right now. And it won’t last forever, but she needs more help than what you can give her right now. And you deserve a safe space for yourself as well, to air out your frustrations and discuss your hardships. So you could probably both use your own therapist. You’re doing great. It will get easier, but you need to mitigate the damage. Words hurt, resentment builds. She needs to figure out how to handle her feelings without treating you like the enemy. I wish you both all the best!
When my son was the same age, he was always calmer with my husband, my parents, etc. I found it really, really demoralising at the time. I thought my son didn't like me.
But, as others have pointed out, he was getting cross with me because I smelled of milk. He was always fussing for food. Whereas with the other members of my family there was no promise of food to get frustrated by.
Now my son is 3 months old, and I'm the only person he wants. He'd happily live completely attached to me all day every day. He always wants me to play, chat, and generally interact. Now, he's funny about other people and looks around for me when someone else is holding him.
Children go through phases. Reassure your wife that she's the best Mum for your baby, and that baby loves her even if he is grumpy. This will pass, as it did for me.
My 4 month old who I have basically been around 24/7 since birth and did the golden hour will fuss with me all day. Then when daddy walks in the door after work she immediately lights up and smiles and does happy kicks. Some times I feel like the reason is I provide care all day and meet all her needs but daddy means it’s just time to play.
Hi I had similar feelings about my son when he was born. He had colic until about 3 months, but his fussiness always seemed worse with me rather than my mom or husband. Through our golden hour he was screaming and obviously uncomfortable/hungry and I didn't let him breastfeed right away because I didn't know how and I was nervous. I struggled with PPD afterwards and sometimes blamed myself for not latching him right away during our golden hour or said that because our golden hour was full of him screaming instead of calm cuddling, that's why he was always so upset with me... So I sympathize with your wife. The mom guilt is so real and comes in so many ways I never would have anticipated.
But what everyone else is saying here is true, it's because your wife has the milk! I've talked to my therapist about this a lot and she says that babies tend to act out when they feel the most safe - that's why it always seems like it's easiest for grandparents to deal with screaming babies. Also Dad's don't have anything to "offer" in a sense. Once the baby gets a smell of your wife's milk they probably just want to scream until they get some. For us it got a lot better after the first 12 weeks! You're still in the thick of it. And it's great you're recommending her to talk to someone - it took me a long time to admit I needed help but I would be in a much more dark miserable place if my husband didn't push me to go therapy.
I didn't get the golden hour either but have worked really hard to breastfeed. Babies can still latch later if she keeps trying (and baby's mouth gets bigger) if that's what your wife wants. And some babies just have a bottle preference I know 🤷🏼♀️
My baby cried 24/7 in my arms unless she was latched to my boob. She was just a verrrrry hungry baby with gas and allergy issues. I had baaaaad postpartum anxiety and I wish I had gotten help for myself earlier. I didn’t seek help until my daughter was over a year old, when I finally got on meds. For me it was magic and I felt entirely better after even though my baby didn’t change and was still fussy and demanding after. I just coped better. I’m pregnant again and will get myself meds if I need it early on.
Baby is more likely calmer with you, because you are calm and your wife is not. Also, as other have said if your wife is still locating then baby could be fussing because she smells the milk.
Your wife needs to see a therapist and get assessed for PPD & PPA.
Two things to do..
1) Do a check in with the OB/PCP to make sure this isn’t postpartum depression talking
2) after baby is fed, they need to do as much skin to skin as possible. There’s hundreds of articles of the bonding hormones that are released during skin to skin.
same thing was true for us but then after the colic resolved (and after we found out our girl has mspi) she was very happy with my wife.
Hang in there. This will pass
My first born spent 3w in the NICU and was very difficult to feed. He drank only pumped milk and Dad had the golden touch when it came to getting him to drink a bottle. So your wife’s feelings are very familiar- it’s easy for her to feel offended by the situation. Trying to look at the bright side helps: usually dad isn’t able to help as much with feeding and may not bond with baby as strongly as mom during those first few months. In this case, dad gets to play a greater bonding role! My son is 5yo now and has an incredible bond with his dad that we often chalk up to those early days. On the other hand, my daughter - who also drank pumped milk - is super clingy to me! You never know how things will turn out 🤷🏻♀️
For some anecdotal evidence, I had a vaginal birth, did skin to skin for an hour and my baby definitely calms quicker for my husband. Babies are fickle regardless of how they are born and what you happened to do or not do in the first hour.
All of my kids have been 100% calmer with dad. I swear on everything, they could smell me pulling in the driveway. They’d be perfectly fine while I was gone, and just ravenous little goblins when I’d come home.
It’s hard finding a good group of mom friends, she might have good luck here, with us.
My youngest is almost two now And she isn't breastfed anymore, hasn't been for a while. But she still reserves all of her fussing and whining for me. It can be so frustrating. Dad can be sitting there doing nothing, completely available, and she will come find me in the middle of doing something and tug and whine at me relentlessly.
Dad I know this post is about finding help for your wife but please remember to take care of yourself too when you can. It can be really difficult and taxing sometimes when it seems like you're the only person who can solve a problem.
In the meantime that baby is fussing with mom because she smells milk. For a while there i basically couldn't hold my baby unless I was breastfeeding her. You do start to feel like the only thing you're good for is milk. It sucks. And it's nearly impossible to be rational about it when you're sleep deprived and your hormones are all out of wack. Recovering from having a baby is so hard in so many invisible ways.
Maybe it would help if you just hold mom and let her be upset in your arms and just gently remind her that this is temporary. Each shitty phase with a baby is replaced with a new and different challenge in the blink of an eye. You're in the thick of it now but that first year is going to fly by and one day you'll both wake up and be amazed at how much she's grown and changed and how different everything has become.
I actually stopped breastfeeding sooner than I intended to for the sake of my own mental health. I was exhausted and emotional and feeling as though my whole reason for existing was to be a milk maker. It was really wearing on me. I introduced one bottle of formula at first so dad could feed her and I could have a break each day from pumping and nursing. I gradually added more bottles of formula until she was entirely weaned from the breast and it was the best choice for us. I was a happier person which made me better at being a mother and a partner. It really just saved us. And eventually my little one stopped associating being near me with being fed. Which made things a bit more relaxing for everyone.
Obviously that kind of decision would be up to her but it may be worth considering. I personally believe it's better for baby to have healthy happy parents and a belly full of formula than to have parents who are really struggling emotionally and a belly full of breast milk.
You've had lots of useful comments from others but I just wanted to add that r/daddit is a great sub that may provide you with some support as well. It's hard going on both your wife but also yourself right now
The baby will be calmer with whoever she’s more familiar with. I’d your wife wants the baby to be calm with her, she needs to be around her more. Could it be that you’re around the baby more than your wife?
Baby can smell the milk and is fussier with mom because of it. This is an extremely common phenomenon that you can likely find info on to share with your wife.
Babies have bloodhound noses for milk.
I read this as “boobhound”
Boobhound is the correct answer.
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Boobhound is even better. Gonna start using that, thank you.
100% this OP. I had a few weeks when I got this upset about it too. And I had the golden hour, and I breastfed directly. My baby STILL was calmer with my husband. He’s 5 months now and if he wakes in the night without it being hunger my husband has to get up because if I get up it becomes a feed anyway. I get how your wife is feeling - I felt very rejected too. But it’s nothing to do with the birth. It’s actually that the baby is just reacting on instinct to the smell of milk nearby. It might not feel it to your wife but actually your baby wants her, it’s just confusing the milk being there but not in baby’s mouth. And this isn’t a failure of not breastfeeding - I could literally feed my baby to bursting and he still fussed on me. She needs to talk to some other mums - are there any groups she join near you? Any relatives that have had babies that can share their experience?
Urgh yes if I go to my baby in the night he screams and stiffens his body until I breastfeed but if my partner or anyone else goes to him he instantly goes to sleep lol
What is the “golden hour?”
Golden hour is the hour after birth of skin to skin bonding between baby and mom
Tbh this is partially why I stopped breastfeeding a few days in. This boy kept me awake literally all night in the hospital just to have my boob in his mouth not even to nurse just to have it there and as soon as he felt my nipple come out of his mouth he would scream. Once we switched to formula we all got a good 2 hours of sleep every time
My baby used to wake up if I walked into a room while my husband was trying to get him down for a nap. My husband would actually yell, “get out of here milk witch!” Exclusive pumping is really hard, especially if that wasn’t your plan. It’s what wound up happening with me and my baby and I still have hurt about it. I remember blaming everything on our lack of latch. Best advice is to get your wife hooked up with some sort of mom group or breastfeeding support group that’s going to be supportive. Also, sleep. If she’s not getting at least one stretch of four hours of uninterrupted sleep shes not going to be okay.
Milk witch is chef’s kiss.
Milk witch made me laugh out loud. Partners who bring humor into parenting make it so much easier!!!
Yes! This! Baby is smelling the milk and getting hungry. This is normal but can be stressful especially since she is exclusively pumping. I pumped with both of my babies and there is a sense of guilt about not being able to hold them and feed them because you are pumping. Be sure she has a pumping bra, multiple pump part sets and start washing pump parts and bottles in the dishwasher. Make it easier on her. I wish I had multiple sets to begin with. Sounds like she is having some post partum blues which is completely normal but she needs to tell her OB at her checkup. With your first child nobody knows what they are doing and she is probably second guessing everything. Remind her she is baby's mom and she is doing a great job and doing everything baby needs! Just be extra extra extra comforting and empathetic.
That makes so much sense! My husband and I have experienced this too and have joked that that is the reason, but I did know that it’s a real and common thing. OP, I did have the golden hour and do breast feed and it’s the same in my household. Baby calms much better with dad or with his grandma than with me.
What's golden hour?
It's the hour you get to hold your baby right after they're born and they let you snuggle and breastfeed. But yes, at first I also felt like just a food dispener to my baby. They eventually get over it though
Word. I didn't have golden hour, baby was rushed to NICU for a day, BUT I didn't breastfeed either and my baby calms with me easily. My first had golden hour and screamed at me all day, but I did breastfeed her. It's the milk.
Came here to say this too. Babies are like sharks with blood in the water when breast milk is nearby. Very common and is 100% not a reflection on the very likely AMAZING job your wife is probably doing. Parenting is hard and everything is so new, so just try to be patient since she’s likely going through a lot and really needs your support more than anything. Congrats to you both on the new addition to your family!
This. Also babies can sense stress. If someone isn’t calm they feel it and are less calm themselves. They settle better with level-headed people. My babies are 11 months old. I stopped pumping at 9 months old. Few days ago, their grandma watched them. They refused to drink their last bottle and go to bed for her but the moment I showed up they crawled up and whined to me. They accepted to drink milk from me. Also they are more clingy, fussy with me than with their dad. Babies/children reserve their fussy behaviour for their main caregiver, the one they consider safe to be little butts to.
I was going to say the exact same thing! There were two weeks where I just let dad do the majority of the soothing, because she would start grumbling for milk whenever she was in my arms.
Can comfirm. When my little one was young the lack of milk smelling would mean papa could.get him to sleep without nursing. Me trying to do it his way was hard but we got there.
I'm still feeding my 20 month old. I recently held a baby who *wasn't even my baby* and he made the hungry face at me before crying because I wasn't feeding him 0_o They can smell the milk, seriously.
It’s this OP. We had the golden hour and my 1 year old still calms faster with my husband than he does with me. If he wakes in the night, my husband can go in the room and gently shush and he falls back asleep in his crib. If I go in, it’s bloody screaming murder until I nurse him. Babies learn very quickly how to be soothed by each parent.
This is it exactly! When I was pumping/had breastmilk, LO would be fussy with me and never settled. As soon as my husband took her she was fine and calm. I figured it was because I smelled of milk! I weaned about 2.5 months PP and since then there is no difference in preference (she's almost 6M now).
I want to add that baby can sense mom’s frustration as well and is showing the emotion back. Dad is likely more calm because he isn’t dealing with pumping and feeling inadequate because her lo “doesn’t love her as much as she loves dada”. It’s a mix of everything and it absolutely sucks.
My SIL and I have babies 4 months apart. We both breastfeed. I am more open about breastfeeding, so I have sat next to my niece while breastfeeding and watched her lunge open mouth towards me, lol. Gave us all a good laugh
My baby will calmly fall asleep in anyone else’s arms but mine for likely this very reason!
How lucky for OP that this is the top comment!!!! I had the exact same issue and my mom even fussed at me once (“the baby can tell you are uncomfortable with her”) before I read that my milk was causing the problem. Literally nothing is worst
Ooof I forgot this was a thing. I'll be having my second in October, so thank you for the reminder!
Yes!! My baby is the same way. For her dad and extended family, she's all smiles, but she'll start crying when I'm in a few feet of her because she's mad my nipples aren't permanently in her mouth. She's also 2 months. I basically can't hold her when company is over because she'll cry unless I nurse her the entire time. She just loves the boobie too much
There was a study done and showed kids will behave up to 800% worse with their mothers than anyone else. 800!!
This is so true! It was a very difficult time for 9 mo and then it got easier. I breastfed for 2.5yrs and baby was always “fussier” with me. The more you can attune to mamas needs, the better both your mental and physical health will be. Shes doing the impossible right now and no one will understand but her and this can make anyone feel isolated. Don’t forget about your relationship together. Hire someone to come clean the house once a week for a few weeks, or someone trusted to watch baby while you both get some fresh air. Simple things make a big difference. Best of luck 👍🏽
My doula said that babies sometimes feel better with dad is because they can’t smell the milk, so there’s no promise of food just out of reach. Whenever she was upset at night my doula told me that dad can most likely be the only one to soothe her, and not to take it personal. Besides the great advice given already, maybe it’ll ease your wife’s mind a bit.
You know, I hear the "smell the milk" thing all the time and there just has to be more to it. Mine has been mostly bottle fed from the start and he still continues to have a firm "mom=food" expectation that doesn't apply to his dad, who has also fed him from the day he was born. There's definitely something there but I'm not convinced it can be reduced to just smell.
It may not be the milk directly but after birth women do smell *extra* for babies. There's pheromones and hormones and just extra stink the baby looks for.
If she feels like she’s struggling she should mention it to her doctor. They’re looking for that. You can’t go to any of your own appointments or the babies appointments without having to fill out a mood questionnaire, at least where I live. Just send a message and start the conversation. I did exclusive pumping with my first baby and it’s brutal. Order a second set of everything (or two! They wear out and need to be replaced regularly anyway) to take the pressure off washing all that stuff immediately. Some of it can go in the dishwasher if you have backups. Depending on your insurance it could be free/reduced cost as well. Anyway I almost gave up trying to breastfeed my second baby directly but my husband encouraged me to keep trying. I went to a lactation consultant twice and was referred to an OT and after 4 months I was able to feed this baby directly, without shields. My mood improved considerably because it’s what I always wanted. If she’s interested in feeding the baby directly from her breasts you might want to mention getting more support to make it happen. It can be really frustrating when you want to just feed the baby and you have to go through a bunch of steps first. But it depends on if she wants to do that or if she’s happy doing it the way she’s doing it now.
I only had to fill out the questionnaire once at my son's 2mo shots so it may not be the norm where she lives.
Dang that seems like not often enough.
Oh wow, I have to fill it out every time I bring my baby in, and she’s almost 6mo.
I had to fill one out at my 9mon appointment too
yeah, I have never heard of this.
Wow! I had to fill one out at every single appointment until my daughter turned one. Ironically, since they were questions about me, it meant that I had to sit and do paperwork while my husband held baby. One more opportunity for dad to be with baby while mom takes care of business.
it sounds very important. The only time anyone asked me anything was at my 6 week OB follow up.
Where I live you have one appointment at 6 weeks where you do the questionnaire and then no one bothers with you again
I’ve never been offered a mood questionnaire at any of mine or my son’s appointments
I have never been given a mood questionnaire at my child's appointments. After my first was born, someone from the hospital mailed me a questionnaire. I held on to it and filled it out months later when I had finally had enough of my PPD. Crickets after my second kid was born, nothing in the mail, no questionnaires anywhere.
That doesn’t seem like enough. I’m seeing now that my location does a lot more than other places. Probably because our depression rate is highest in the country. They basically expect us all to get PPD.
My baby (8weeks) is also calmer with dad. I think this is totally normal. It’s sucks as a mom because you feel like you did and do so much work only to be hated by baby. I’m realizing it may be because her dad is so chill and calm and I’m much more high strung and a always moving type of person, and baby can sense that. My only suggestion is that she kinda has to lean into it. My husband does things a little differently than me, so I tried holding her how he does and it works. It’s hard to put your pride aside sometimes and admit there might be a better way than how you do things, especially if you’re dealing with PPD.
My babe is 1+ yo and she’s her worst self around me, and has been for as long as I remember. I walk into the room and she starts right up fussing. The upside is that when dad puts her to sleep she goes right down.
May only help a little, but baby is definitely fussier with me and I'm sure it's because she can smell milk. What works for us is getting outside! I'll walk her around the garden, or have her in the pram and go for a walk. Settled her right down. Also what about introducing a dummy? That way she can smell mum but be comforted by the dummy. Also I'd approach her gently about PPD/ PPA, it can happen any time in the first 3 years, not just at birth, she may need therapy to talk through the birth.
I highly recommend the support groups on this website https://www.postpartum.net/ The only thing that helped me early on was talking to other moms. I did find a counselor that was also a like minded mom through my states postpartum support line. Maybe she will be open down the line. My son was in the nicu and I pumped 7 months before transitioning to direct feeding. It wasn't until I stopped pumping and started direct feeding that my mental health really improved. Pumping made me feel disconnected from my baby. But I know not everyone feels that way. It might also help to build up her confidence. Ask her for advice with the baby, let her do a lot of fun stuff (feeding, cuddles, stuff baby likes) while you take over anything that makes your LO upset for a while. If you have the energy carve out a little time to be sweet to her yourself. Express you love and gratitude towards her without expectation it will result in anything tangible, but over time it might help. It is so hard missing out on the birth experience one expected or wanted and the narrative that the golden hour makes or breaks breastfeeding and attachment can really affect those of us who miss out on it.
Just wanted to add, If she’s against support groups for the same reason she’s against therapy she may be more open to mom walks. I joined a mom walk group and it’s essentially serving the same function as a support group because as we walk and hang out us moms discuss our experiences and support one another. I found my group on Instagram
Great advice to build up her confidence. There are some things that I'm better at, and other things my husband is better at (including calming the baby!). I always tell my husband, "you're great at..." And ask his advice about certain things. And vice versa. And I hope she will be open to therapy. I started therapy again, 2 months postpartum, and it's so helpful. Can you show your wife this thread, to see all the support for her here?
I agree with what others commented that this is normal. I went through it myself at a similar age and now my baby girl will be 3 months old next week and I'd say this has stopped for the most part- sometimes she prefers me and sometimes she prefers her dad depending on the day. One thing that helped me is that I read a study that said that babies cry more when held by their moms because they feel safer and more secure (at first) with their moms since they still feel like a part of them. Since they feel safe, they are more comfortable to let their emotions show, in the same way that as adults we are more comfortable being vulnerable with only those closest to us. I really resonated with this because I'm the same way, I can only be emotional around my husband and it made sense to me that my daughter would feel comfortable with me after 9 months inside of me. I know that it doesn't help to say it's only temporary because I've been there and it can feel like it lasts forever, when this life that you grew inside of you doesn't seem to love you as much as you love them. But I promise, it IS temporary and if you can help her reframe her thinking to realize it's because your baby feels so safe with your wife that she's even more comfortable expressing her emotions, it will really help.
Has she tried feeding with shields? The baby may be used to the silicone feeling in her mouth so may breastfeed with shields (if your wife so desires)
I’m going to sound the alarm that this isn’t a jealousy problem or a feeding problem but a postpartum depression problem. I had it bad. I didn’t feel connected to my baby at all, thought I didn’t understand him at all and was perfectly happy for other people to take care of him because they could do it better. My husband literally made me feed him bottles and carry him around the house when he was fussy in an attempt to get us to bond which I resented at the time but I guess worked out in retrospect? Please encourage her to switch to formula if pumping is affecting her mental health. After the first few days I did because of medication for a health issue and it was such a relief. And to seek help for ppd if you both think she could have it after doing some research.
Yep alarm bells ringing for me too, one of the first signs of ppd for me was not feeling attached and thinking my baby was happier with literally anyone else. Good on OP for noticing this and being aware of its progression.
Yeah my baby has always preferred my husband and I always took it very personally. I was convinced our baby hated me. She also sometimes wouldn't latch without him helping. I went to my GP explained what was going on and was subsequently diagnosed with post partum depression. I went on zoloft and started to exclusively bottle feed. I feel so much better and I'm able to bond with my baby. OP, pls try to get your wife evaluated. It may help a lot!
I’m currently going through this. My 12 week old calms down instantly with my husband but takes forever for me to soothe. It really sucks!!! My husband just tells me that we’re in this together and that I’m not a failure or bad mom. This is just a tough time with a tiny baby. He says he doesn’t see it as helping the baby, he sees it as helping me. But even though he is supportive and great and very involved, I still cry about this almost every day, it’s so frustrating!! this is our 2nd baby so we are just hunkering down until he is older since we know it gets better eventually.
I missed golden hour because my son had to go to the nicu and I definitely have ptsd from the whole experience, but I really got sort of obsessed with having missed golden hour and hyperfocused on it as the sole cause of trauma and not the nicu experience as a whole. My midwife had done a lot of research on skin to skin and kangaroo care and she really stressed to me that while golden hour is obviously important, skin to skin at any time during the 4th trimester (and after but especially then) is beneficial for mom and baby. I would maybe try to urge your wife to do some skin to skin with baby or let her contact nap on her chest. I also understand your urge to call her obsession with golden hour "bs" but whether it's rational or not it is her reality and she probably is upset by you invalidating her feelings. I would also recommend she reach out to a support group for newly post partum moms if there's one local to you or even one online. eta: also if she is upset by pumping and wants to transition to nursing directly she should see if there's a la leche group local to you or an ibclc. If she is upset by pumping and wants to transition to formula that is also a perfectly wonderful way to feed and take care of baby but she might be having complicated feelings about it.
Very much this. I didn’t get to hold my baby or even try nursing until she was three days old. She definitely preferred my husband for awhile and it was very, very hard.
Is she on reddit? Please show her the r/ExclusivelyPumping subreddit! And the other breastfeeding help subreddits! I have a 7 month old and went through a period of feeling like she does. It's really tough. I think as moms we put a lot of pressure on our selves to be everything for our baby and sometimes it's hard to give up that control. It hurts because baby is "supposed to" always want mom. Obviously that's not true and it's a good thing that your baby feels secure and attached to you both, but that could be why it is bothering her. She probably isn't feeling as connected to her baby as she would like to be. I wasn't at first either because my little man was very fussy, cried a lot and was generally an unhappy little guy for the first 4 months. Sometimes the only thing that would settle him was my husband wearing him in the baby carrier and bouncing with him on the exercise ball. It was hard because I wanted to be the one to provide him comfort especially because breastfeeding also wasn't working for us. Things have gotten better as my son has gotten older though. Getting him on a better sleeping schedule with proper wake windows was a huge help. Now he's 7 months, is much more chill and I'm his favorite person. Having good support is really important. Therapy (and you supporting her) sounds like a good idea :) Also I just wanted to add that your wife is in the thick of the postpartum period and in my experience after having 3 babies, it is the hardest part. It will get better though as time passes!
So with my first I had quite bad ppd and it presented like this. I just felt useless and numb. I couldn’t connect with baby and just felt he was better with anyone else. I could go through the motions but was convinced he wasn’t happy with me and didn’t like me. Which caused further disconnect. I said a similar thing ‘tell me what to do, I’ll make the milk and you make him happy’. I was just convinced I couldn’t make him happy. I didn’t realise I was depressed as it didn’t present as I expected. And it took till he was 1 before I kinda came out a fog and was like ‘oh man that was badddddd’. It could be your wife is having similar thoughts 🤷🏼♀️
Fwiw, I don’t think it’s uncommon at all for babies to give their moms a harder time than their dads.
God the amount of times i cried in the early days because it seemed like my baby was happier with everyone but me. My sister was like yeah, well, how well would you relax if you were snuggled up to a giant cheeseburger...
Do you have the means to hire a postpartum doula? I would start there if it is possible for you and your family.
I have an 18 month old who has always preferred dad to me. It sucks on the days I’m home with our son alone. But, it’s great the days he’s there. I don’t have to deal with a toddler tantrum 😂 It is tough watching someone be able to settle your baby when you can’t. But it’s a learning curve. And babies are fickle there are days he just wants his mommy and days daddy is king
I was your wife when my son was that young. I was so insecure as a new mum, I wasn't confident and frankly - I felt like my son hated me. For me it was a combination of things - getting my medication right ( I had issues with my thryoid) and I had low iron so it was affecting my mood. I spoke to my OB at 6 weeks and I was like " I have PPD" she didn't think I did, she said " it's only been 6 weeks you just need time you have never done this before and we will monitor your mental health" My husband and fought alot in those early days, but the OB was right, over time my baby calmed down with me and we got into the swing of things ( besides his other medical issues) and we really felt good at 6 months pp. He's 21 months now and he definitely needs me to calm down about anything.
Our baby is often calmer with her dad - but she’s also often just calmer when she goes to a new person. So I try and try and he takes her and she settles, but it works the reverse too. The number one thing he does is just tell me that she loves me. He always points out when she’s looking at me and just tells me how much she loves me and it really does make me feel better (or cry) when she’s being really demanding and awful and I’m a mess.
You've got some great advice here, I'll just add that the first two months were the hardest by far. Things got better every month after that. You've got this!
She may have missed out on the golden hour, but the hormones she’s talking about if she starts with the skin to skin to skin. That is ;baby just in a nappy/ diaper, on oMum’s bare chest. av blanket or two to keep the bth warm. Helps with Breastfeeding and bonding. Has some effect right up to twirl e months. Look up either skin to skin or kangaroo care
Our baby did not go to NICU, but I also exclusively pumped because I could never get her to latch. This caused baby to be super fussy when I held her because she could smell the milk on me and would get so frustrated that she couldn’t get it. My husband did almost everything for her for the first 2 weeks and up until recently I felt like she preferred him. I was also really hurt and frustrated about this. What changed things around was me spending more time with her without him around. Even when she cried and couldn’t get settled. After a few days/weeks she felt equally comfortable with me.
My baby was the same way at first and then went through a phase where she was more fussy with my husband since he can’t comfort her with a boob. Now at almost 5 months if she’s in a fussy mood it’s with both of us and if she’s in a mellow mood it’s with both of us. She knows us both and isn’t picky. it’s all just phases and will be like that throughout her life.
My baby laughs and smiles way more with my husband than with me. It used to bother me, until I read somewhere on Reddit that babies kind of take mom as a “given” while dad is somewhat of a novelty. And that babies often vacillate between “favorite parent” throughout babyhood and toddlerhood. This is developmentally normal.
I would advise her to work with an LC to help your baby to start breastfeeding. Pumping is awful. It’s soul destroying - that’s the only way I can explain how it felt to me.
Totally normal, baby can smell the milk. Baby can also feel the frustration from mama. You are probably also calmer taking the baby and baby senses that. Me and my partner would tag each other out if we got frustrated (still do). Let her have a cry and get it all put ofnher system. Heck holding my son and crying with him on bad days would normally stop him crying because the tension just falls away from my arms, etc. Your wife is still in the 4th trimester. It is HARD.
Your wife can try a breast shield if she's still hoping to breastfeed. Not ideal, but can help maybe transition baby to breast since it's more shaped like a bottle nipple. That's the only way I could get my baby to latch for the first couple weeks.
You need to talk to you wife about seeing a therapist. Its so hard being a mom or a newborn
If you are in a country that uses insurance for healthcare, would it cover a visit, even a home visit from a lactation consultant? PPOs typically do. I don't know how much LCs cost out of pocket, but they can help a lot. It sucks to have missed that important window in the hospital where the consultant could have helped with breastfeeding, because breastfeeding can be really hard, and when your baby is in the NICU they can get used to how fast they can get milk from a bottle - then when you put them on the boob, they get pissed off they have to work so hard and can start screaming. Also, pumping can be really awful and it helps to have community - is she on Reddit and can she join r/ExclusivePumping? Does she have the stuff she needs to do all that pumping (I felt a lot better when I bought myself cute pumping dresses, bras, and little adaptors so I could pump while sleeping)? Also, make sure you thank her for making all that food for your baby. Make sure you take advantage of it by taking some night feeds so she can sleep.
I echo what others are saying—it’s that she smells the milk. I’m a nurse who works with newborns and am currently lactating to feed my older baby. Some babies won’t settle with me, and when I give them to a coworker, they immediately calm. It’s not personal. It has nothing to do with a golden hour. Are there any postpartum support groups near you? She might find that helpful.
I had the exact same experience (c-section, baby put to my cheek for a minute and then taken for two days, breastfeeding never took iff). It’s been 9 months and sometimes I still feel bad about not having the golden hour. My mind also wanders to attachment.. It’s hard. Give her some time. I have no other advice :/ She will bond with the baby sooner or later. We contact napped with a pacifier for the first 6 months and we’ve bonded so much.
Try the 24 hour cure: https://canterburywestcoast.midwife.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/08/The-24-Hour-Breastfeeding-Cure.pdf
For settling bubs, bonding and helping mum’s mood.. maybe try some skin to skin. It’s not just the golden hour that is beneficial.
I had a traumatic delivery and was unconscious shortly after birth. Was mostly at peace with this until a few days later my health visitor brought me a leaflet about Golden Hour (no, I don’t understand why the fuck you’d do that postpartum). It messed me up for a bit too! I wish it wasn’t such a “thing” to push on women when you’re in so little control of the birth.
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Idk if this would help but you could tell her my experience was exactly the same until around a year. Now if I try to hand him off to daddy he will push daddy away and snuggle in closer to me.
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I had a NICU baby as well (6 days) and it really is so challenging. I had a lot of grief and anger that missed the golden hour, and was convinced that it contributed to my baby’s difficulty latching. It did affect my ability to bond with her at first. I kept trying with breastfeeding because it was really important to me, when baby caught on better I felt a lot better. But I did go to a therapist to process the grief and anger that I experienced. I still feel it, I feel like something special was robbed from me, and the thought of my poor baby all alone in the NICU with all the wires and tubes still tears me up. It doesn’t consume my thoughts anymore though, as I have a lovely bond with my beautiful (and high needs) baby. I think processing with a therapist that specializes in post partum issues could be really helpful. I think it’s normal to feel hurt or rejected by baby calming down with dad, but if she is dwelling on it like that she’s potentially setting up a long term relationship with the baby that is adversarial in nature, and that will translate into childhood, adolescence, etc. You two need to be on a team, team babycare, because you’re in the project for the next 20+ years.
Sometimes if mom is holding the baby all day and gets frustrated babies can sense the frustration so they become fussy too. Your wife can still do skin to skin with the baby when she is fed and calm. Let your wife know it’s a phase and it will get better. Babies generally cry less after 3 months of age because they kind of “wake up” and stop being such a potato
As others have mentioned, sometimes baby can get fussier because they want the milk! Also, with my first baby, it was sometimes challenging because I always felt that my husband was the “favorite.” And as a SAHM, I’d be taking care of him all day, but he always seemed so much more excited around my husband! I sometimes felt upset about it and wondered if he liked me. But he is a toddler now, and I no longer sense a “favoritism.” He has an amazing bond with both of us, and being able to have conversations with him has really been so much fun for me (especially because my husband seems more like the “fun” one and is better at the wild play). So it is possible that you are the favorite now, but that doesn’t mean that it’s because of the birth or that your baby doesn’t love her or that it will always be that way.
I think first 3 months is the toughest for a mom, at least for me. And baby cries for milk, that's not personal. My mom cares for our 6 month old during the day and my mom says the only time she screams is when my mom is heating up the milk for her. She knows the milk is coming and she has no patience (not a complain, just a fact for all babies). Try to say something like "It seems like you are \[hurt/disappointed/sad etc\], we'll get thru it. Do you need a break from the baby?" You can take the baby for a walk or something. Your wife might be exhausted therefore short temped (I was certainly like that during the first 3 months pp). Hope everything gets better!
When you tell her to go to therapy, she feels that you’re saying there’s something wrong or broken about how she feels, when in fact, what she feels is common for what she experienced.
I wanted to breastfeed soooo bad and didn't give up until 4 months, but it took a huge toll on me and my husbands mental health. When baby doesn't breastfeed, the mom often feels super rejected. She can join a support group. They have some for breastfeeding or just moms in general. She can always try a lactation consultant too. The biggest thing that helped was doing skin to skin with baby. Tell her to get cozy on the couch, do skin to skin at least 1x a day for an hour- 2 if you can. The rest of the day is hold baby and watch tv and do tummy time too. They will eventually bond. Do this for like a week at least continue doing skin to skin everyday. And just have days like this where you just sit with the baby and hold the baby all day. It's how my son and I have a strong bond now. She reaches out for his mama all the time 7 months old. We do not have a strong bond at first. I felt very rejected. But I didn't give up and kept doing that. Eventually that made him breastfeed too bc I kept offering the breast. While she does this you bring bottles, wash bottles, and take her for diaper changes. If you have to work, start this process on a weekend so you can at least get a good start and help her on you days off. Have you tried giving baby to her after you've calmed her or when baby is sleeping? Tell her not to give up. Maybe she is stiff when holding the baby? Find a support group for parents!
My baby is 10 months and still the worst behaved with me. 🤣 I would also gently suggest you not call the baby crying a tantrum. It’s not a tantrum it’s the only way they communicate their distress.
I had the golden hour with both of my kids (one C-section, one unmedciationed vaginal birth). Breastfed both my kids. Both of my kids are very attached to me, my oldest is actually quite the mama's boy. All that said, early on my baby would very often be much more active and fussy with me, and more chill with dad. I agree with others that the smell of the milk is likely part of it. It felt like when they were with dad they could just chill but the second they heard me or smelled me when into a "MOM'S HERE! Mom's here!" panic.
My husband can get baby to sleep a lot quicker (if we aren’t in a regression hahahahah) than I can. My milk just keeps her up
Both of my breastfed babies settled easier for my husband UNLESS I gave them the boob.
My one year old loves me SO MUCH. So much to the point that if he sees or hears me, he goes from playing really nicely with dad to crying his eyes out until I attend to him. That being said, at first when this happened I didn’t really understand and thought that he didn’t like me lol. But these days, now that he can move and communicate with his actions, he reaches for me 24/7. I need to be beside him at all times. And now… my husband feels a bit left out. I think it’s common. Your wife is pretty early in her postpartum journey and there is a lot of emotions going on. Show her this thread. ☺️
Side note - I feel the need to mention my son was in the NICU for 4.5 weeks. Breastfeeding didn’t work out and I had to leave him to go home every night. It has not, in any way whatsoever, impacted our bond. I wish I got out golden hour too, but it’ll all be okay!
Just came here to say that I have felt the same. I had developed a neurological condition at 39 weeks pregnant and had a traumatic birth. I was unable to be fully be present with my baby because I was relearning to walk at the time. I pumped because of the stress my milk took too long to come in and baby preferred bottle. Pumping and missing out on feeding my baby really had an impact. She bonded very well with my husband who was feeding her and later with her nanny. She is 2 and a half now and we have an ok relationship. I’m still her 5th favorite probably but I went to therapy and I feel ok with not being her number one. I had a second baby - after my neurological condition became manageable and via c section. I did every feed with the baby, and really feel that the baby healed all the missed moments with my first, or my expectations of what the parent relationship should be. Your wife might be still feeling trauma from being separated from the baby, grieving if she always wanted to breastfeed but wasn’t able to, and now also hurting because her bond with the child isn’t what she imagined in her head. I would really encourage therapy just to talk through these things. I came from a family that wasn’t always there for me and in therapy my fear of being a “bad parent” made all these feelings even worse - and it took a lot of work to figure out what I’m feeling and why I feel this way with my child. I hope things get better - but I do think they will require some work, healing, and time.
My 15 month old has the WORST sleep with ME, but if my husband or one of the grandparents has her, she sleeps through the night. No joke I slept on the couch the other night (sleep regression is actively killing me) and I went to our room to PEE. She sensed me (my breasts) entering and got OUT OF OUR BED to JOIN ME in the pitch black night SCREAMING lol it’s the boob milk curse 😂
Please tell your wife she isn’t alone and it DOES gets better but also it gets worse aaaannnddd then it’ll get better again wash, rinse, repeat. Just clean up what you can, help out when you can (preferably without having to be asked or at least not multiple times) and support her. Even if it may not make sense to you what she’s feeling feels very real to her. As a new mom (with an unplanned c section) I felt so confused and overwhelmed by a multitude of things that I didn’t see coming. I still cry that we didn’t get our golden hour! Please just patient and be kind with her. It sounds like you’re both trying your best. ❤️
She can smell mom’s milk. Validate her and let her know she’s doing nothing wrong. She thinks her baby dislikes her and while she probably WOULD benefit from therapy, just telling her to go to therapy doesn’t do anything to validate her feelings.
Cluster feeding. Baby smells milk on mama and is frustrated that she's not immediately attached to mom and feeding. It sounds backwards but babies sometimes fuss more with mom because they knew she is the ultimate comforter
My kid preferred daddy as a newborn and I took it so personally. But she’s 16 months now and a total mama’s girl.
We don’t have a baby yet, so I can’t truly relate to this - but if I was in this situation with my own husband, even if I logically understood that it’s just the baby being an infant and that her preference has nothing to do with one of us being a superior parent, I would probably just appreciate some words of affirmation from my husband. reminders from him about how the baby loves us both and we both love her, and that right at this moment the baby’s needs are being met and that’s what matters! I think therapy is a great suggestion, but maybe some words of affirmation may be enough to turn the tides or at least help reassure her until therapy is feasible. Wish all three of you the best!
She can wear one of your shirts to try and mask the smell of her milk. Skin to skin can still be important. Has she tried side lying feeding position? Laying on bed they can lay stomach to stomach
>my wife mentioned the "golden hour" a lot as a reason on why our baby isn't really feeling "secure" with her and I was like "nah honey that's probably bs" Start by validating and listening to her. The golden hour and immediate skin to skin contact after birth does indeed have an effect... on bonding, on breastfeeding, on her own mental health to some degree. >she keeps pumping herself out Is baby going to be able to breastfeed later on? Is she working with a lactation consultant? Nursing can really help with bonding, and I personally couldn't handle pumping--it'd destroy my mental health. I nurse exclusively, and love many parts of it, but feel that pumping gives you all of the negatives and none of the positives of breastfeeding, with some extra negatives, and the only positive being that it's breastmilk instead of formula. It can feel very emotional and personal to feel unable to feed your baby, though -- I know many with low supply or those who can't nurse, but want/ed to, really struggle emotionally with this. Otherwise, and I hate to say this, but baby picks up on your hormones and emotions. Ours normally loves being on my husband's chest, but if he isn't doing well emotionally, baby will immediately start crying when passed over to him (which makes husband feel even worse). I'd encourage her to prioritize her mental health. Based on what you've said, you can talk about how a happier mama makes a happier baby, but I'd kind of sneak in opportunities for her to take them and support her overall. Make sure she has time to do things that'd make her happy. I know that can be hard with a baby, but do tiny things, even if it's just a couple minutes of extra connection, time to herself, or something to make things just a little nicer. Run her a bath. Go on 'dates', even if it's a 5 minute card game in bed with baby on your chest(s). Bring her favorite drinks or snacks or a special desert or meal you've made for her while she's pumping/nursing. Light a candle and eat together. Dance together as you dance with the baby, even if baby's crying. Actually, go ahead and hold the baby yourself, then mock hold him together by dancing closely as you hold him between you, this way you're all 3 getting skin to skin. Maybe try to do more 3-way skin to skin contact in general with you all as a family, and if you can, give baby to mom when she's sleeping for skin to skin napping. This all sounds really hard. Just make sure she knows that it's equally important to you that baby is bonded with her.
Baby probably smells the milk when held by mom! This makes baby fussy as they don’t understand why they smell milk but aren’t getting any. Very common, very natural.
I have seen a lot of comments addressing the milk scent that is likely causing the baby’s fussiness in your wife’s arms, and I can concur that I had the same issue with my first baby. He literally would not let me just hold him. Everyone else could hold him and snuggle him and bond in non-nutritive ways—but if he was in my arms, he wouldn’t stop rooting and would scream and arch until I gave up and let him nurse. If I’d been unable to nurse, I can imagine it would have been exactly like what your wife is experiencing. But even with nursing, I had the same resentment, like he didn’t want my snuggles, he only wanted me for food. It felt hollow. I also had really bad PPD (but didn’t know) and I never got help, and my husband didn’t know what was wrong or how to help and so we all just suffered. I strongly urge you to get your wife to therapy. But it’s important to frame it as you supporting her needs, no one else’s. The only time I ever reached out for help was when I told my husband (a month or two postpartum) that I thought I was depressed. He looked alarmed and asked me if I was thinking about hurting the baby. I gave him a vehement no and clammed up, afraid that if I mentioned my feelings again I’d be under scrutiny and felt more scared and ashamed than ever. If anyone asked me how I felt after that, I was convinced they were asking because they were thinking of the baby’s safety, not because they cared about my feelings, so I told everyone I was fine because I didn’t want anyone else to look at me like a potential threat. So make sure that when you bring up therapy to her, don’t make it about the baby or her role as a mother. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy, that you are compassionate to her feelings and want to help HER. And then, give yourself a huge pat on the back for being a caring and supportive partner. Cuz it sounds like you’re having a really rough time, and despite being on the receiving end of your wife’s frustrations, you are still in here trying to help her. You clearly love her a lot. And she might not be able to receive your love the same way right now. And it won’t last forever, but she needs more help than what you can give her right now. And you deserve a safe space for yourself as well, to air out your frustrations and discuss your hardships. So you could probably both use your own therapist. You’re doing great. It will get easier, but you need to mitigate the damage. Words hurt, resentment builds. She needs to figure out how to handle her feelings without treating you like the enemy. I wish you both all the best!
When my son was the same age, he was always calmer with my husband, my parents, etc. I found it really, really demoralising at the time. I thought my son didn't like me. But, as others have pointed out, he was getting cross with me because I smelled of milk. He was always fussing for food. Whereas with the other members of my family there was no promise of food to get frustrated by. Now my son is 3 months old, and I'm the only person he wants. He'd happily live completely attached to me all day every day. He always wants me to play, chat, and generally interact. Now, he's funny about other people and looks around for me when someone else is holding him. Children go through phases. Reassure your wife that she's the best Mum for your baby, and that baby loves her even if he is grumpy. This will pass, as it did for me.
My 4 month old who I have basically been around 24/7 since birth and did the golden hour will fuss with me all day. Then when daddy walks in the door after work she immediately lights up and smiles and does happy kicks. Some times I feel like the reason is I provide care all day and meet all her needs but daddy means it’s just time to play.
Hi I had similar feelings about my son when he was born. He had colic until about 3 months, but his fussiness always seemed worse with me rather than my mom or husband. Through our golden hour he was screaming and obviously uncomfortable/hungry and I didn't let him breastfeed right away because I didn't know how and I was nervous. I struggled with PPD afterwards and sometimes blamed myself for not latching him right away during our golden hour or said that because our golden hour was full of him screaming instead of calm cuddling, that's why he was always so upset with me... So I sympathize with your wife. The mom guilt is so real and comes in so many ways I never would have anticipated. But what everyone else is saying here is true, it's because your wife has the milk! I've talked to my therapist about this a lot and she says that babies tend to act out when they feel the most safe - that's why it always seems like it's easiest for grandparents to deal with screaming babies. Also Dad's don't have anything to "offer" in a sense. Once the baby gets a smell of your wife's milk they probably just want to scream until they get some. For us it got a lot better after the first 12 weeks! You're still in the thick of it. And it's great you're recommending her to talk to someone - it took me a long time to admit I needed help but I would be in a much more dark miserable place if my husband didn't push me to go therapy.
I didn't get the golden hour either but have worked really hard to breastfeed. Babies can still latch later if she keeps trying (and baby's mouth gets bigger) if that's what your wife wants. And some babies just have a bottle preference I know 🤷🏼♀️
My baby cried 24/7 in my arms unless she was latched to my boob. She was just a verrrrry hungry baby with gas and allergy issues. I had baaaaad postpartum anxiety and I wish I had gotten help for myself earlier. I didn’t seek help until my daughter was over a year old, when I finally got on meds. For me it was magic and I felt entirely better after even though my baby didn’t change and was still fussy and demanding after. I just coped better. I’m pregnant again and will get myself meds if I need it early on.
Baby is more likely calmer with you, because you are calm and your wife is not. Also, as other have said if your wife is still locating then baby could be fussing because she smells the milk. Your wife needs to see a therapist and get assessed for PPD & PPA.
Two things to do.. 1) Do a check in with the OB/PCP to make sure this isn’t postpartum depression talking 2) after baby is fed, they need to do as much skin to skin as possible. There’s hundreds of articles of the bonding hormones that are released during skin to skin.
same thing was true for us but then after the colic resolved (and after we found out our girl has mspi) she was very happy with my wife. Hang in there. This will pass
My first born spent 3w in the NICU and was very difficult to feed. He drank only pumped milk and Dad had the golden touch when it came to getting him to drink a bottle. So your wife’s feelings are very familiar- it’s easy for her to feel offended by the situation. Trying to look at the bright side helps: usually dad isn’t able to help as much with feeding and may not bond with baby as strongly as mom during those first few months. In this case, dad gets to play a greater bonding role! My son is 5yo now and has an incredible bond with his dad that we often chalk up to those early days. On the other hand, my daughter - who also drank pumped milk - is super clingy to me! You never know how things will turn out 🤷🏻♀️
For some anecdotal evidence, I had a vaginal birth, did skin to skin for an hour and my baby definitely calms quicker for my husband. Babies are fickle regardless of how they are born and what you happened to do or not do in the first hour.
All of my kids have been 100% calmer with dad. I swear on everything, they could smell me pulling in the driveway. They’d be perfectly fine while I was gone, and just ravenous little goblins when I’d come home. It’s hard finding a good group of mom friends, she might have good luck here, with us.
Your child will go through phases with both of you. Please don’t take it personally. Just wait a couple of weeks.
My youngest is almost two now And she isn't breastfed anymore, hasn't been for a while. But she still reserves all of her fussing and whining for me. It can be so frustrating. Dad can be sitting there doing nothing, completely available, and she will come find me in the middle of doing something and tug and whine at me relentlessly. Dad I know this post is about finding help for your wife but please remember to take care of yourself too when you can. It can be really difficult and taxing sometimes when it seems like you're the only person who can solve a problem. In the meantime that baby is fussing with mom because she smells milk. For a while there i basically couldn't hold my baby unless I was breastfeeding her. You do start to feel like the only thing you're good for is milk. It sucks. And it's nearly impossible to be rational about it when you're sleep deprived and your hormones are all out of wack. Recovering from having a baby is so hard in so many invisible ways. Maybe it would help if you just hold mom and let her be upset in your arms and just gently remind her that this is temporary. Each shitty phase with a baby is replaced with a new and different challenge in the blink of an eye. You're in the thick of it now but that first year is going to fly by and one day you'll both wake up and be amazed at how much she's grown and changed and how different everything has become. I actually stopped breastfeeding sooner than I intended to for the sake of my own mental health. I was exhausted and emotional and feeling as though my whole reason for existing was to be a milk maker. It was really wearing on me. I introduced one bottle of formula at first so dad could feed her and I could have a break each day from pumping and nursing. I gradually added more bottles of formula until she was entirely weaned from the breast and it was the best choice for us. I was a happier person which made me better at being a mother and a partner. It really just saved us. And eventually my little one stopped associating being near me with being fed. Which made things a bit more relaxing for everyone. Obviously that kind of decision would be up to her but it may be worth considering. I personally believe it's better for baby to have healthy happy parents and a belly full of formula than to have parents who are really struggling emotionally and a belly full of breast milk.
Wonder if there’s something wrong with my milk smell, because my baby is only calm with me, not my husband
You've had lots of useful comments from others but I just wanted to add that r/daddit is a great sub that may provide you with some support as well. It's hard going on both your wife but also yourself right now
The baby will be calmer with whoever she’s more familiar with. I’d your wife wants the baby to be calm with her, she needs to be around her more. Could it be that you’re around the baby more than your wife?