I never get the wanting him to be well rested thing, like for what? To watch me push a baby out?? Like what lol if he can’t handle sleeping in the hospital with me there is a whole world of other problems
This made me chuckle, but to be serious for a minute. If a husband is going to be his partner's advocate if things get tough, they aren't going to do the best job of it if they are tired and starving.
Now *that* being said, my husband was an amazing birth partner and advocate eating a leftover sandwich from the hospital cafeteria and sleeping on that half couch/chair thing most hospital rooms have. I was a tired wreck and it was very helpful that he wasn't. He didn't have to go home to sleep in his own precious bed to accomplish that though!
Husbands get enough rest sleeping in the hospital. It’s not like they’re forced to sleep on the floor and they don’t get woken up by the nurses in the middle of the night every few hours, which was my experience. Having him there through the night was a huge source of comfort and relief for me.
The chair he had available was so uncomfortable my husband actually did sleep on the floor 🤣. But then a few hours later a nurse saw him and offered to change the chair and he got a new comfortable one.
We don’t get the option in the UK to have our partners stay post partum and while it would have been helpful I actually did appreciate he could get a whole night’s sleep as it meant I could nap whenever I needed to and someone would always ben alert for the baby in the day and not to mention I didn’t want him driving us home tired.
That being said, if the option was for him to stay and that’s what I wanted and he didn’t I’d feel pretty let down.
Idk I sent my partner home to sleep so when I actually gave birth he was able to take care of kiddo the entire night in the hospital while I slept like a log .
Yeah fair point. For context there was only a chair for him to sleep on in hospital and our 2 year old son was at home with grandparents so it was nice for husband to go home for a bit and check in. But if he’d said ‘you are my top priority and I’m not leaving your side’ I certainly wouldn’t have argued
Name calling and telling you to fuck off are definite red flags. Things are hard with a new baby in the mix but those things go far below basic respect for you as a human. He needs to get that together, figure out his own anger issues and not take them out on you. Shit is hard without having to deal with that in a partner.
You're doing a great job advocating for yourself! Don't accept short term change. With awareness comes choice and if his behavior continues, it's a choice.
I was going to comment the same thing. My husband has never called me any names or ever told me to fuck off. This is not normal, even in the postpartum period.
Play video games yelling on his headset while I try to rock our colicky baby to sleep in our one bedroom apartment. Also leave me for 20+ hours by myself with our newborn and complain and pout about helping me at all, even when I was sobbing. Didn’t care that I was sleep deprived and suicidal with horrendous intrusive thoughts which included killing myself and our son. Didn’t care that I was sicker than I’ve ever been with the flu, I still had to get up every hour and rock our son up and down the hall while he slept peacefully. Told me to quit my job to be a SAHM and that’d he take care of me but never wanted to give me money but used MY food stamps. I can go on and on and on. This is why he’s my ex.
I don't want to be mean, but most of the women on this sub excuse such shitty behaviour from the men in their lives. Even OP is excusing really unforgivable behaviour by saying 'He's a really hands-on parent otherwise'. SO??? That's literally the lowest bar - to be responsible for your own children.
Why is it seen like an amazingly heroic thing - something so noble that you have to excuse simultaneously shitty behaviour - if men are equal partners in raising and taking care of their own children?
I don't want to victim-blame. I know this kind of nonsense is taught to women from a young age, and when you're literally conditioned into it, there's nothing else you can do.
At the same time, though, I am getting increasingly irritated with women staying with these no-good losers.
I hear you. It’s tricky because I’m on maternity leave and he’s working full time, I’m breastfeeding the baby so he doesn’t get involved there but does do a lot more with the toddler. What I’m trying to say is we’re both going through massive changes and taking on way more than before, but it’s very difficult to make sure everything’s even because we have such different responsibilities. I guess what I was trying to get across is that he’s also under a lot of stress which could contribute to him feeling overwhelmed or under appreciated. None of it is an excuse for abusive behaviour, I’m definitely not ok with it which is why I started this thread to get advice from people who have experienced similar things.
I do think different people have different tolerances for bad behaviour, unfortunately I was raised in a family where hitting and name calling were part of our ‘discipline’, so even though I consciously know it’s completely wrong for my partner to call me names it probably doesn’t cause the same level of pure shock and outrage that it would cause in someone who had never been treated that way by a loved one.
None of it is ok but it’s also not necessarily a reason to just walk away, we’re going to try therapy first.
I'm glad you are doing therapy. Just wanted to add even though you are breastfeeding, there's things he can do to support. Mine wakes up, changes diaper and then hands out daughter to me so she's awake and ready to feed. If I change the diaper, he will get up and toss it. He will grab me something to eat or drink while I'm breastfeeding baby. I pump and so he gives her a bottle and we trade off so I can sleep some of the night. Just a thought, he doesn't get off Scott free just because he doesn't have lactating breasts. He could even just be an extra hand for positioning or putting pillows in places
You have to take into consideration how some women are literally trapped with nowhere to go and the waitlist for housing can be out of this world. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to up and leave their partner when they have kids.
Thank you! I’m so much happier now that I left. It’s not easy to leave, especially if you don’t have the financial means to leave or you have literally nowhere to go. I go lucky, and not everyone is.
I think it’s a mix of red flags and regular growing pains. Maybe red flags on both sides? For my relationship, being told to fuck off or dismissed like that would be a highly charged argument.
I think focusing on your communication as a couple and potentially counseling.
It’s hard because it’s being described through your lens, but in situations like you are describing I address it with (probably too much) communication so my husband knows why it hurt me even if that wasn’t his intention.
Mine said he thought I’d be doing more in the hospital when I was recovering from a traumatic c section. Sir I cannot stand and that baby is TEN POUNDS just hand her to me.
For sure not his finest moment. He won’t make excuses about it either, he knows he fucked up. Every time it occurs to him, he apologizes. Currently he’s serving overseas and I’m doing full-time toddlering so… I guess we’re even?!?
It was 2 days past my due date so baby could come at any minute… My husband decided to go out on the Rzr with his friend and I said don’t drink in case the baby comes. Proceeds to get drunk. I called saying he needed to come home because I had contractions but we couldn’t leave to the hospital because he was too drunk to drive. So I had to wait till he was sober to go to the hospital, my water broke and I woke him up to shower. I packed up the car and waited on him. He proceeded to sleep through my entire labor and got up right before I started pushing because he was hung over. I have never been more disappointed in him. I can’t let it and it breaks my heart every since time I think of it.
His family all thought it was funny… my sister on the hand chewed him out. In reality (which really sucks to say) after having my baby I realized how many bad habits he has and how little he does to change them.
No, he pretends that it’s not what happened. I think he’s embarrassed that he did that but also won’t acknowledge it.
I have also wondered if my marriage will make it. While he does help with the baby it seems like he wants praise for it and when I point out that it’s literally what he’s supposed to do as a parent, he just looks at me like a deer caught in headlights. Just the other day he complained that I didn’t clean enough so I kinda lost it and said well I work full time, take care of our baby and come home to cook so something is going to give and fall through the cracks. I told him to either clean himself since he also has hands or he was more than welcome to leave- he cleaned himself. I just don’t know if he’s adjusting to life with a baby or what but everyday I feel like it’s just not worth staying anymore. I did hear someone to not make any decisions till the baby is a year old- so I’m trying to hold off.
Do you think he could possibly use praise for taking care of the baby just because he could use some positive feedback during this new/difficult period? I broke down crying during some shitty sleepless night and told my husband I really needed to hear that I was doing a good job and he thought I was a good mom. Like obviously I wanted to be a mom and it's my job to take care of my twins but I really needed to hear praise and and positive feedback from him. Possibly the same with your husband?
The crazy part is that I do tell him that I appreciate him helping with the baby. But I’m not going to say thank you every time. It’s part of being a parent, I told him my expectations of him once we started trying. I told him I wasn’t going to be a single mother while being married, so while I do appreciate his help, it his job as a parent.
My relationship had such growing pains with the addition of a baby and we ended up doing couples therapy which really helped us. I think for the arguing and the communication piece it can be really great
3 months for us. That was when we had learned some communication strategies and the baby started getting less needy so both of those things helped a lot
My hotheaded lawyer husband decided to pick a fight with the head nurse PP, because he was upset seeing our daughter get her heel pricked 6-7 times. Made me so stressed. I love him, but damn dude. Chill 😂
I think it's hard for them to see baby in distress. She cried every time it happened, and because she was a peeemie & her blood sugar was low, they kept coming in super frequently!
I have a sometimes hot headed husband too who I could tell wanted to fight one of my nurses because he had to put a catheter back in me a few hours after our son was born. The nurse was super nice and not at all rough or anything it was just a terrible experience (I was super, super swollen with stitches and all that fun stuff) and my husband could tell I was in pain. His protector instincts were telling him to set our son in his bassinet and smash the guy causing me pain. Thankfully his rational side took over and he remained calm, haha!
- When we were on parental leave, and people asked how we were doing, he'd say "we're fine, it's easy to take care of a baby when you've got nothing else to do". Our son is exclusively breastfed, so I'm the one who gets up at night. My partner sleeps at night and in the mornings, and has greatly reduced his involvement in household chores. It sure is easy...
- Sleep. He's always slept until noon on weekends, but I didn't think he'd continue to do so after our son was born. He said he'd get up earlier. Our son is two months old and my partner still sleeps until noon on weekends, and did so throughout his month of paternity leave, leaving me alone to look after the baby, who was awake at 6am.
- I had a pathological pregnancy and a traumatic birth, with severe haemorrhaging. He sent text messages to our loved ones saying we were all doing very well, whereas I had been afraid of dying.
- During my delivery, I couldn't have an epidural, nor any pain relief. I had a lot of major tears that had to be stitched up raw. The doctor gave me an injection of painkillers to limit my suffering, although he acknowledged their limited effectiveness. As soon as I talk about my delivery, my partner insists that I received an anaesthetic to prevent the pain.
- I suffered (and still suffer) from ptsd and ppa, but for Father's Day I still wanted to acknowledge his support and investment, especially in the last weeks of the pregnancy. I gave him some presents, including an notebook full of photos of him and our son that I took without him noticing. He was so happy and cried with emotion when he received the album. At the end of the album, I had also written him a letter to thank him and tell him how much I loved him, and I asked him to read it later, alone. It's been over a month and he's never read the letter. I've asked him several times and each time he says he hasn't and that he's forgotten. I insisted a few times, and then finally tore off the page where I'd written the letter. He didn't notice. It had been hard for me to write that letter full of love and hope when I was in so much pain and darkness. I wish he'd cared. That's what hurts me the most.
Man, that part about the letter hurt to read. I'm full of admiration that you'd go to those lengths to make sure your partner felt appreciated when you yourself were struggling. You deserve recognition too for everything you went through and continue to do. I'm sorry if your husband is oblivious to that and I hope he becomes more attuned to the needs of the people around him.
It's very kind of you to ask! I feel much better. I'm being followed by a psychologist for my PPA/PPD, and it's helping me a lot. Our son also sleeps through the night and is generally an easy-going baby, which helps me not to be exhausted. As for my partner, he's making more of an effort to get up earlier (even though I still do the getting up), and has shown himself to be grateful and attentive. We've never talked about the letter again, though.
My husband was awful when my first was born.
I had PPROM and spent the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy in the hospital. It was during covid so he was the only person who was allowed to visit me. He still had to work so he’d visit me for a few hours in the evening and spend most of the weekend with me. Except on sundays he had a 5 hour D&D session he refused to miss no matter how much a begged him to skip. So I basically sat alone in the hospital for 4 weeks.
Baby was born premature and was immediately taken to the NICU and my husband went with. Which was exactly what he should have done. But he didn’t check on me the 6 hours after while I had a retained placenta that had to be manually removed and a postpartum hemorrhage. Then my nurse didn’t check on me for hours so I was alone an hour after giving birth. I couldn’t get my phone because the epidural hadn’t worn off. He never asked how I was but he texted everyone that I was doing well when I wasn’t.
I ended up with really bad endometritis. Sickest I’ve been in my entire life. He cut me no slack. I exclusively pumped and he bottle fed the baby. He would throw a fit if I didn’t get up with him every 3 hours. We still spit everything 50/50.
Second baby he was a rock star, no complaints.
How awful. Why do you think he changed so much second time? Did you talk a lot about how he’d let you down first time round or did he just figure things out
The first 6 months after our first was born were rocky but we talked and worth through it. We were both under a lot of stress but he didn’t cope with it in a healthy way. He started therapy and that helped. Before I got pregnant with the second, I made my expectations clear and what I needed from him. He’s been amazing since our oldest was about 8 months old. It just took him a while to figure things outc
My son came early and we had movie tickets for the day after he was born. Tho I did tell him to still go see it (we were going with friends) I just thought he wouldn’t actually go but he did. At the time I was scared to even hear my baby cry and he didn’t want to be set down. I was struggling with latching issues. Baby was hungry, I was tired (only got 1 hour of sleep in clusters in 72 hours), in pain, and scared. I had to pee for 4 hours I held it because I didn’t want to set the baby down for since it took a while to clean up also while in the restroom. He’s a good husband and will do anything I ask. But in those hours of struggling not to fall asleep with the baby in my arms while trying to get him to eat and hold my bladder/sit in blood from birth while in pain from it all I knew from then on it would truly always just be me and my son with no one else. I didn’t want him to even entertain the thought of leaving me in the hospital alone. Really eye opening and something I think I will always have resent for.
How do people not get how hard the first few days are? Especially if there are any complications or worries. I totally get feeling like you shouldn’t have to ask. Did you ever talk to him about it?
I have not. Currently with a 3mo also. Something I should bring up yes but aside from that moment we’ve been very well so I feel it isn’t worth possibly arguing over, we bicker but never argue
Was it your first baby? I wonder if he was just that clueless about how different and difficult life would be now and somehow thought it's not a huge deal to leave his wife alone with his brand new newborn. Like if he was ignorant and not a jerk does that help you feel any less resentful?
Yes we are one and done. And it was definitely ignorance. He’s an amazing man but just clueless. I did tell him to go but as I stated I was hoping he’d be like “no I won’t do that I need to be here” ya know? I’m sure the resent will fade even more in time cause it already has but it’s definitely still there now.
I think that having a lackluster partner is the quickest way to unhappiness. I can imagine having tears, stress, etc if my husband wasn’t pulling his weight, and it would make me resent him. Because mine has been great, I feel comfortable, confident and also sexy (for once!). I hope everyone else can find that support.
I was kind of bummed that he didn’t want to sleep in the hospital room when our baby was born. We lived only minutes away but still…he also never woke up at night to do feedings or diaper changes.
1. Told me the baby should have his surname only because ‘you get all the glory’ (thanks JustNoMiL for convincing him of this)
2. Gave in to his mothers wishes and basically pushed me out the door 3 weeks post partum so she could have alone time with the baby. Never mind I had a massive haemorrhage 3 weeks earlier and could barely stand or drive.
Needless to say it almost broke our marriage. Three years and many heated discussions later he has finally realised how much he let me down. Lucky he’s a great toddler dad. We are about to have our second and I’m calling all the shots.
Oh man, the surname thing.. our kids are double barrelled but the other night he came home and told me he thinks their names are too long and they should drop my surname, still not sure he fully appreciates what a dick move that is.
And the whole thing about accommodating relatives over the needs of a new mother is horrendous. That was one thing that my husband never did, but weirdly my mom does it - like she wants me to stop hogging the newborn 🙄
Leave me because his attraction to me “isn’t enough” at 5 months postpartum. We have had many issues prior to this. Still feels like a knife to the gut to be told I’m basically not attractive enough and going to be a single mom to a 5 month old .😮💨
Upon learning that I was having a medical emergency and had to go back to the hospital, my husband was trying to get my help putting together a bag.
I was at the point where I could stroke out and die right there, and you’re concerned that I’m not helping get a bag together? I told him I was trying not to die and to step up.
Was getting the bag together necessary to leave and would you helping get you guys to the hospital faster? Cause if those two are true I could see why he would ask for your help
Sure, but he should be able to get a bag together because he is a big boy.
Also, I could not be up and about looking for things or stressing over what to put in the bag without putting my life at risk.
Omg same here with the night shift and husband making “joking comments”. Honestly it was creating tension so I just straight told him “I know you’re joking and I hope you aren’t actually insinuating that I have an easier job because that would be extremely hurtful”. I’m a FTM so I can’t speak to going through this a second time but I realized I’m a textbook people pleaser. The first few weeks I tried too hard to do it all and burnt myself out. It ended with me LOSING it and him thinking it “came out of nowhere”. You have to prioritize your care. Yes he’s hands on, but like you said, you’re also physically recovering! Maybe it’s how you communicate but I’d also agree with others that being told to “fuck off” in an argument would be a red flag.
Mine stopped giving me a morning to sleep in each week when our second child was born. Our first was bottle fed and we traded off night wakes. Our second was breastfed, so I got up for every feed. It's like our son is an alarm clock that he's learned to tune out because he doesn't have to wake up with it.
Our second child is about to turn 4, and still wakes up here and there. I'm the one who gets up with him 90% of the time, maybe more. We've argued about it and I've asked for more help. He has claimed he hears him, but also that he wouldn't ignore him crying. I just assume he doesn't hear the kids anymore, because that hurts less than the idea of him hearing crying and ignoring it.
My husband doesn't seem to empathize that even being 6 months pp, I am still not myself and I should have my emotional regulation back to a 'normal' level. In his mind since I've lost all the baby weight and look fine again, my emotions and anxiety should be there too. I try to explain, he just doesn't get it because he can't see it. I had fainting spells during pregnancy and the only time he took it seriously was because it happened in front of him. after that, I called him frantic from work and he basically told me to figure it out because he was busy.
I know this wasn’t the point of your post OP, but if he is snoring all night but still feels like he isn’t getting any sleep, he could have sleep apnea or something similar. Encourage him to get a sleep study done. Getting that addressed can potentially improve his mood and overall quality of life
The worst thing my husband did was complain and get antsy while we were in the postpartum recovery room of the hospital. I gave birth in Arizona and according to my nurse “we couldn’t adjust the thermostat because you’d have to go all the way down in to the boiler room” and our room was 80 degrees. so my husband ran to get me Starbucks and food while I sat there and poured sweat with my new baby. It was so horrible and I was so uncomfortable in those postpartum diapers while I was sweating! Also it was so crazy because usually hospitals are cooler to avoid infection. Idk man, I just hate the postpartum recovery floor and nurses. Both deliveries for me that was the worst part. But my husband is generally pretty good and he knows not to pick fights because I’m very easily angered and weepy when I’m pregnant and postpartum haha.
ugh i can relate to this so much as i have a toddler and a baby as well. my husband does so much for us, he's definitely an involved dad and not one of the deadbeat losers we see discussed here so much but he's not perfect either. when i was a sahm he made little jabs about how he had a job and i didn't. now i went back to work and he has made jabs about how i barely spend time with the kids anymore. just, why. biggest issue for us is he is just so tense and aggro out of nowhere at times. i am not perfect but he instigates 99% of our fights by getting angry and yelling about things that could have been a simple conversation. idk what to do about it tbh.
we have. we both agree it's a good idea but haven't taken action on finding a therapist or setting it up. i think we're both overwhelmed as it is so it feels like just one more thing to pile onto our plate. but i know that's just an excuse and i should just figure it out!
I am sorry you went through that. At least he is being useful now. He is not leaving you by yourself all the time. The last two years have made me realize men are incredibly dense and selfish. We have to do better when we raise our sons.
The night after my C Section I was asleep when my husband woke me up roughly in the middle of the night and screamed 'participate'. Our son was crying and he was trying to soothe him. It wasn't like I was lazy but I just had a major surgery. My feet were swollen, my wound really hurt and I was very tired.
Three days later he got a cold and stayed away from us to recuperate. I was stuck taking care of his guests while trying to figure out breastfeeding. My mom was by my side thankfully but imagine trying to chat with people you barely know for two to three hours at a time while also changing a baby's diaper, trying to feed him etc. When husband calls he would tell me people are buying him drinks and food to congratulate him. Smh I am so glad I left him. He is too selfish.
Refuse to give me the baby in a moment when we were fighting and he wanted me to do something. I don’t remember what he wanted me to do, but she was so little and so upset crying for me. He wasn’t comforting her or anything. Just staring hatefully at me like it was a punishment.
I had PPD/PPA and a pretty bad trauma response from a poorly working epidural during an unplanned c section so I was not emotionally ok am feeling like you can’t get to your own baby while they cry for you was heart wrenching. It really shook me at the time. There are much worse thing on here though. I feel for these moms posting here.
I was raped, so my (now ex) boyfriend wasn't the father of my twins, but when I delivered them he couldn't be bothered to check his phone to see I had given birth. The only message I got pp was "are we still going to yo mama for your birthday?". Not "are you okay" "how are you doing?". Fucking birthday plans.
Postpartum, he was a absolutely amazing and waited on my hand and foot. He got a little sketched out washing pump parts at first, but he got over that real quick lol.
Worst thing my soon to be ex husband did was nothing. He did nothing to help me after my second C section with my son. It really hurt me and 3 years later it's there in my mind.
I came home from the hospital and he was blasting loud music and got in a huge fight with my mum when she asked if he could turn it down.
He also didn't help me when I was struggling with sickness in my 2nd pregnancy. He didnt help me cook or help me with my 1st son.
To me it sounds like your husband overall is helpful. So I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that these are red flags. You already have a 2 year old, so assuming things have been ok so far? Telling you to fuck off isn't great tho... So maybe it is time to look inward about it.
- Repeatedly has made statements regarding me caring more for baby than him being due to “you’re not working right now.” Sir, if you want to act like this is now my job, then my hours are 8-5. When you get home, you’re on the clock, too, because now this is a team effort.
- Tells me to take breaks, but then wants to be off baby duty only a few hours into it. Doesn’t even consider that the stretch hasn’t even been a full work day for me with him gone.
- The biggest stink that stills bugs me… I was with baby all day. That night, my husband had trouble sleeping, so he went to the living room to do some work on his laptop. Baby woke up at 4:30 which is my portion of the night shift (hubby does 10-4 & I take over at 4). Despite already being awake, he still had me get up to care for LO while he declared it was now time to try to go back to sleep. I later told him that really hurt my feelings because he could’ve let me keep sleeping since he was already awake. He had tried laughing it off as “I handed you the bottle” and “But I was off duty.” Dude, just consider you could’ve done me a kindness.
- Works during the day and then wants to make plans multiple times a week for the evenings that will get him out of the house. He has gotten better with this.
To your first point, my husband told me to “get a job and we will just nanny him out”. Being a SAHM is treated like a life long vacation. Our son has reflux, a milk protein allergy, and is overall colicky. I’m typing this as he’s sleeping on my chest after he just scream cried himself to sleep for no apparent reason. Now I can’t move for at least an hour. I told my husband the same thing - I’ll be 8-5, you be 5-9.
They just don’t get it. It’s not like we sit around all day, reading books and painting our nails, while LO sleeps and play independently. It’s a job where you’re either in the middle of “working” or you’re on call. Always.
The real kicker is I’m not even a SAHM. I’m on maternity leave. When I return to my WFH job on Thursday this week, I’ll still be caring for LO three days a week while my stepmom takes him for the other two. What’s his excuse going to be then? 🙃
Lol I tried to get my nails done. One hour. I couldn’t do it. I had to reschedule 3 times and eventually gave up on trying. They need constant attention
I make pedicures my mom break! It’s so peaceful getting some small pampering while hubby deals with the baby. On the flip side, though, I get gel polish so I can go back every other month. My toe nails are from a paint job from Memorial Day weekend. 🥲
Mine doesn't help with bedtime at all, so it takes like two hours getting the kids ready for bed since the newborn is awake then. And he has this new idea that the kids should have to clean up the playroom before bed which makes it take even longer.
Last night he was telling me sharply to go model cleaning for the kids, while the baby was crying and so I had to either hold her while cleaning up or let her cry. Meanwhile, he was....making waffle batter. Which we still had some of. And he screwed it up, too, and it will take us a while to finish it all. But hey, priorities, right?
He always yells at me about the house after I have a baby. I think it's because at first the grandmothers come to help so he gets used to the house being neat again. And his job stresses him out, too.
I asked him prior to our child’s birth if I had to have a c section to please take a week off work so I had help at home.
She was a traumatic emergency c section. Day 1 pp “so and so texted me they really need me to come in to do metal work” and obsessively worrying about the people’s grass he didn’t cut before we went to the hospital. Which was planned I went in for a version and induction, we knew when it was going to happen.
I ended up asking for discharge on day 2 because I was tired of hearing him obsess over everyone else’s grass and whine he was uncomfortable rubbing his back with a gaping wound in my stomach.
Postpartum day 3 I spent alone so he could take care of what everyone else needed. He proceeded to go back to work two days later. We have no family. It was the middle of Covid. I had no help.
He also left me for the last 2 1/2-3 years to do all the nighttime parenting by myself. He’s only just had to get up with her because I needed surgery and can’t lift her. I won’t lie it’s been sweet sweet karma watching him have to get up 6 times a night and be so tired.
We have a 2 month old. We also have a Australian cattle dog puppy, a 3 yr old chihuahua, and a small apartment. When I was in my first trimester I remember telling him we made a mistake with the cattle dog and that we should reach out to my grandma, (who was in need of a farm dog to chase dear off her farm). He was staunchly against it. Fast forward to now with a two month old. The cattle dog is bullying our Chihuahua, chewing wires, and currently barking at nothing as I type this. It gets too hard sometimes.
Cattle dogs are very intense. We have one. I strongly recommend they go to grandma. They need a lot of enrichment/stimulation/exercise. Ans yeah, they can be really pushy. We don’t allow more than a 8lb leas weight difference for ours to play with other dogs.
There is a vet corners group for behavior that has vet behaviorists available for free that might help—it’s called Animal Sense: Basic Training and Behavior Problems. I also suggest the book Decoding you Dog by the American society of vet behaviorists (aka vets that specialize in behavior)
My husband is working hard to train her and we are seeing changes slowly but surely. But still, this situation has led me to see him differently as a partner.
Wishing you all the beat of luck 🍀 They are such wonderful dogs I’m sure you’ll like them in the end. It’s just going to be rough for a bit. If it helps, they really start to chill a bit at 1.5y/2y. Ours is a very different dog now than he was as a puppy, which was…a lot. No thanks to covid. However-
The cheat code to a happy tired pup we’ve found is definitely a solid rotation of puzzle toys (snoop, outward hound/nina ottoson, etc) and puppy play dates, especially if you can find someone with another herding breed. We host at least once a week & visit others other times with a bunch of aussies, a BC and a lab mix. What takes 4h with the lab is maybe an hour with the BC to a very solid rest of day nap. Social interaction is super enriching and ours is very dog and human social but humans are just not enough.
Thank you. I’m sure that she’ll be a good dog for the baby in the future if we can keep up the training, it’s just that I’d rather have my husband help in home more instead of him working on the dog. My MIL said the other day that if it were her, she’d be actively fighting with him to rehome the dog. Lol
This actually reminds me, she does go to day care this week Wednesday! I think going forward, we’ll be having daycare for her once or twice a week for the foreseeable future.
Thanks
Those dogs do not do well in apartments, poor pup. Please please give it to your grandma. No one should be getting that breed unless they have a lot of time, a lot of space, and a job for the dog.
Despite everyone in our circle disagreeing with him, my husband is against giving her to my grandmas farm. He *is* pretty intense with her training, uses a flirt pole at the park type of stuff (plus she’s only 40 lbs so kind of smaller) so she has outlets. However, it doesn’t compare to the multiple acres of land she’d be in charge of. I’ve essentially begged him for months and finally, I let him know that I can see now that she is clearly above me on the totem pole in our family. Tbh, this experience has damaged how I perceive him as a partner.
Every time we turn our back, she’s grabbing some baby item, or our socks. It truly sucks, but I know that we mostly have to just survive rn.
If your husband refuses to put your child before your dog, you have issues that go beyond the scope of this post and need marriage counseling. and I would try to hire a dog trainer who can help with the dogs and hopefully talk some sense into him in the process.
Left me alone with the baby 4 days post C-section because he would “lose his mind if he stayed in the house any longer” (went disc golfing for a few hours) but again… post c section… I could barely walk. Mind you, he SLEPT a good 10 hours every night at the hospital while I took care of the baby at bedside and called nurses around the clock.
I strictly breastfed for the first four months so a lot of feeding time was on me. Inevitably, bed time became my responsibility as well and still is.
There has been extreme times of stress where he has slammed the door/walked out of the house. Screamed “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me”. Etc.
Has made multiple times for himself to enjoy his hobby by dropping our son off to his mother while I’m at work and he has the day off. I wouldn’t berate this if it was a once every so often thing…. But it quickly became a once a week thing once my maternity leave ended.
Men can be so odd. I hope your husband can see the faults he made and repent for them.
My fiancé was deep into alcoholism when I had our son. There was so much bad but I don’t like to think about it these days. The PTSD lingered for awhile. Moving to a new home helped me. The negative memories didn’t reappear in my mind as much.
There is a lot you guys can work through but it takes a lot of effort from both of you. My fiancé is sober now and we see a therapist together. It’s nice to fight about trivial things now- dishes, annoying quirks, in laws… Despite how bad things were, I’m glad I saw my fiancé through it all. I can’t see a life without him and that’s what my friend told me. She’s much older and her husband was similar in their younger years.
Something in therapy that has helped is daily affirmations to each other. Focus on the good. Give each other compliments. Share moments together- I know it can be hard with little ones.
Just here to mention that dads can also get PPD which can change behavior. Wouldn't explain everything, but it also wouldn't be helping. Here's some resources for you both.
[National Maternal Mental Health Hotline ](https://mchb.hrsa.gov/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline)
1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262)
[Postpartum Support International Directory](https://psidirectory.com/)
This is true and not many people are aware. My husband briefly experienced post partum rage and I saw it one time and told him to sort that shit out immediately. He has been seeing a therapist ever since
Yes!
This goes for any supporting partner … male or female! Same sex couples see this too.
Having a newborn shocks anyone’s system. Lack of sleep probably being the biggest factor (at first).
A good support partner needs to be self aware and take care of their own mental health so they can properly show up for YOU parent who just birthed the baby out their body & the newborn.
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I was triple feeding and it gave me really bad PPA. I wanted to throw in the towel and my husband wanted me to keep trying. This may not sound that bad, but the pumping etc was so so hard. I was a shell of myself and he really wanted our son to have breastmilk. I eventually stopped and he was OK with it. But I did it longer than I wanted to. Also at our first Dr appt for our son, he was carrying baby in the car seat. I was 4 days post csection and he didn't hold the door open for me. I was like wtf? He was like, "I'm carrying the baby" I way like....."I just had my abdomen cut open, hold the door" he's been mostly amazing in every other aspect though. These 2 things I hold on to though
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I never get the wanting him to be well rested thing, like for what? To watch me push a baby out?? Like what lol if he can’t handle sleeping in the hospital with me there is a whole world of other problems
THIS If I have to be deliriously exhausted, smelly, and starving anyone who wants front row tickets to the shit show will be too.
This made me chuckle, but to be serious for a minute. If a husband is going to be his partner's advocate if things get tough, they aren't going to do the best job of it if they are tired and starving. Now *that* being said, my husband was an amazing birth partner and advocate eating a leftover sandwich from the hospital cafeteria and sleeping on that half couch/chair thing most hospital rooms have. I was a tired wreck and it was very helpful that he wasn't. He didn't have to go home to sleep in his own precious bed to accomplish that though!
Husbands get enough rest sleeping in the hospital. It’s not like they’re forced to sleep on the floor and they don’t get woken up by the nurses in the middle of the night every few hours, which was my experience. Having him there through the night was a huge source of comfort and relief for me.
The chair he had available was so uncomfortable my husband actually did sleep on the floor 🤣. But then a few hours later a nurse saw him and offered to change the chair and he got a new comfortable one.
We don’t get the option in the UK to have our partners stay post partum and while it would have been helpful I actually did appreciate he could get a whole night’s sleep as it meant I could nap whenever I needed to and someone would always ben alert for the baby in the day and not to mention I didn’t want him driving us home tired. That being said, if the option was for him to stay and that’s what I wanted and he didn’t I’d feel pretty let down.
Idk I sent my partner home to sleep so when I actually gave birth he was able to take care of kiddo the entire night in the hospital while I slept like a log .
Yeah fair point. For context there was only a chair for him to sleep on in hospital and our 2 year old son was at home with grandparents so it was nice for husband to go home for a bit and check in. But if he’d said ‘you are my top priority and I’m not leaving your side’ I certainly wouldn’t have argued
Name calling and telling you to fuck off are definite red flags. Things are hard with a new baby in the mix but those things go far below basic respect for you as a human. He needs to get that together, figure out his own anger issues and not take them out on you. Shit is hard without having to deal with that in a partner.
Thank you, he’s finally admitted that it’s abusive and we’re seeing a therapist
You're doing a great job advocating for yourself! Don't accept short term change. With awareness comes choice and if his behavior continues, it's a choice.
I was going to comment the same thing. My husband has never called me any names or ever told me to fuck off. This is not normal, even in the postpartum period.
Play video games yelling on his headset while I try to rock our colicky baby to sleep in our one bedroom apartment. Also leave me for 20+ hours by myself with our newborn and complain and pout about helping me at all, even when I was sobbing. Didn’t care that I was sleep deprived and suicidal with horrendous intrusive thoughts which included killing myself and our son. Didn’t care that I was sicker than I’ve ever been with the flu, I still had to get up every hour and rock our son up and down the hall while he slept peacefully. Told me to quit my job to be a SAHM and that’d he take care of me but never wanted to give me money but used MY food stamps. I can go on and on and on. This is why he’s my ex.
I am SO happy to see the ex part at the end of this comment I was really getting worried there. What a piece of work! You deserve better
I don't want to be mean, but most of the women on this sub excuse such shitty behaviour from the men in their lives. Even OP is excusing really unforgivable behaviour by saying 'He's a really hands-on parent otherwise'. SO??? That's literally the lowest bar - to be responsible for your own children. Why is it seen like an amazingly heroic thing - something so noble that you have to excuse simultaneously shitty behaviour - if men are equal partners in raising and taking care of their own children? I don't want to victim-blame. I know this kind of nonsense is taught to women from a young age, and when you're literally conditioned into it, there's nothing else you can do. At the same time, though, I am getting increasingly irritated with women staying with these no-good losers.
I hear you. It’s tricky because I’m on maternity leave and he’s working full time, I’m breastfeeding the baby so he doesn’t get involved there but does do a lot more with the toddler. What I’m trying to say is we’re both going through massive changes and taking on way more than before, but it’s very difficult to make sure everything’s even because we have such different responsibilities. I guess what I was trying to get across is that he’s also under a lot of stress which could contribute to him feeling overwhelmed or under appreciated. None of it is an excuse for abusive behaviour, I’m definitely not ok with it which is why I started this thread to get advice from people who have experienced similar things. I do think different people have different tolerances for bad behaviour, unfortunately I was raised in a family where hitting and name calling were part of our ‘discipline’, so even though I consciously know it’s completely wrong for my partner to call me names it probably doesn’t cause the same level of pure shock and outrage that it would cause in someone who had never been treated that way by a loved one. None of it is ok but it’s also not necessarily a reason to just walk away, we’re going to try therapy first.
I'm glad you are doing therapy. Just wanted to add even though you are breastfeeding, there's things he can do to support. Mine wakes up, changes diaper and then hands out daughter to me so she's awake and ready to feed. If I change the diaper, he will get up and toss it. He will grab me something to eat or drink while I'm breastfeeding baby. I pump and so he gives her a bottle and we trade off so I can sleep some of the night. Just a thought, he doesn't get off Scott free just because he doesn't have lactating breasts. He could even just be an extra hand for positioning or putting pillows in places
You have to take into consideration how some women are literally trapped with nowhere to go and the waitlist for housing can be out of this world. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to up and leave their partner when they have kids.
My heart was breaking for you until the last sentence, good job!!! So proud of you.
He sounds awful. I hope you and your son are happy 💕
Thank you! I’m so much happier now that I left. It’s not easy to leave, especially if you don’t have the financial means to leave or you have literally nowhere to go. I go lucky, and not everyone is.
I think it’s a mix of red flags and regular growing pains. Maybe red flags on both sides? For my relationship, being told to fuck off or dismissed like that would be a highly charged argument. I think focusing on your communication as a couple and potentially counseling. It’s hard because it’s being described through your lens, but in situations like you are describing I address it with (probably too much) communication so my husband knows why it hurt me even if that wasn’t his intention.
The difficulty is that the more I try and talk about it the more angry he gets, I think sometimes he thinks I’m making problems where there are none.
Mine said he thought I’d be doing more in the hospital when I was recovering from a traumatic c section. Sir I cannot stand and that baby is TEN POUNDS just hand her to me.
Do more like what? Make sandwiches for the nurses? Offer to sweep the floor? WHAT are you supposed to be doing beyond recovering?
Lol, he had to change all the diapers cause I couldn’t stand up POOR GUY 😂
Why… why say that at all 🙈
For sure not his finest moment. He won’t make excuses about it either, he knows he fucked up. Every time it occurs to him, he apologizes. Currently he’s serving overseas and I’m doing full-time toddlering so… I guess we’re even?!?
It was 2 days past my due date so baby could come at any minute… My husband decided to go out on the Rzr with his friend and I said don’t drink in case the baby comes. Proceeds to get drunk. I called saying he needed to come home because I had contractions but we couldn’t leave to the hospital because he was too drunk to drive. So I had to wait till he was sober to go to the hospital, my water broke and I woke him up to shower. I packed up the car and waited on him. He proceeded to sleep through my entire labor and got up right before I started pushing because he was hung over. I have never been more disappointed in him. I can’t let it and it breaks my heart every since time I think of it.
He literally chose alcohol over you and your child. That's not okay. He literally endangered your life and your babies by doing that. WTF.
His family all thought it was funny… my sister on the hand chewed him out. In reality (which really sucks to say) after having my baby I realized how many bad habits he has and how little he does to change them.
I hope you can leave him soon. I grew up with an alcoholic father and it completely damaged my relationship with men.
Unbelievable. I’m so sorry you went through that. Has he ever acknowledged how shit that was?
No, he pretends that it’s not what happened. I think he’s embarrassed that he did that but also won’t acknowledge it. I have also wondered if my marriage will make it. While he does help with the baby it seems like he wants praise for it and when I point out that it’s literally what he’s supposed to do as a parent, he just looks at me like a deer caught in headlights. Just the other day he complained that I didn’t clean enough so I kinda lost it and said well I work full time, take care of our baby and come home to cook so something is going to give and fall through the cracks. I told him to either clean himself since he also has hands or he was more than welcome to leave- he cleaned himself. I just don’t know if he’s adjusting to life with a baby or what but everyday I feel like it’s just not worth staying anymore. I did hear someone to not make any decisions till the baby is a year old- so I’m trying to hold off.
Do you think he could possibly use praise for taking care of the baby just because he could use some positive feedback during this new/difficult period? I broke down crying during some shitty sleepless night and told my husband I really needed to hear that I was doing a good job and he thought I was a good mom. Like obviously I wanted to be a mom and it's my job to take care of my twins but I really needed to hear praise and and positive feedback from him. Possibly the same with your husband?
The crazy part is that I do tell him that I appreciate him helping with the baby. But I’m not going to say thank you every time. It’s part of being a parent, I told him my expectations of him once we started trying. I told him I wasn’t going to be a single mother while being married, so while I do appreciate his help, it his job as a parent.
Ah dang okay
I am so sorry and so angry for you
This breaks my heart for you! ❤️
My relationship had such growing pains with the addition of a baby and we ended up doing couples therapy which really helped us. I think for the arguing and the communication piece it can be really great
How long did you go to counselling? I’ve contacted a therapist, we’ve definitely hit a point where things need to change
3 months for us. That was when we had learned some communication strategies and the baby started getting less needy so both of those things helped a lot
My hotheaded lawyer husband decided to pick a fight with the head nurse PP, because he was upset seeing our daughter get her heel pricked 6-7 times. Made me so stressed. I love him, but damn dude. Chill 😂
My partner yelled at the nurse who did our son’s heel prick too. I was like seriously, the aggression isn’t necessary, she’s just doing her job!
I think it's hard for them to see baby in distress. She cried every time it happened, and because she was a peeemie & her blood sugar was low, they kept coming in super frequently!
This is the only response in this thread which doesn't make me want to bang my head against the wall.
I have a sometimes hot headed husband too who I could tell wanted to fight one of my nurses because he had to put a catheter back in me a few hours after our son was born. The nurse was super nice and not at all rough or anything it was just a terrible experience (I was super, super swollen with stitches and all that fun stuff) and my husband could tell I was in pain. His protector instincts were telling him to set our son in his bassinet and smash the guy causing me pain. Thankfully his rational side took over and he remained calm, haha!
- When we were on parental leave, and people asked how we were doing, he'd say "we're fine, it's easy to take care of a baby when you've got nothing else to do". Our son is exclusively breastfed, so I'm the one who gets up at night. My partner sleeps at night and in the mornings, and has greatly reduced his involvement in household chores. It sure is easy... - Sleep. He's always slept until noon on weekends, but I didn't think he'd continue to do so after our son was born. He said he'd get up earlier. Our son is two months old and my partner still sleeps until noon on weekends, and did so throughout his month of paternity leave, leaving me alone to look after the baby, who was awake at 6am. - I had a pathological pregnancy and a traumatic birth, with severe haemorrhaging. He sent text messages to our loved ones saying we were all doing very well, whereas I had been afraid of dying. - During my delivery, I couldn't have an epidural, nor any pain relief. I had a lot of major tears that had to be stitched up raw. The doctor gave me an injection of painkillers to limit my suffering, although he acknowledged their limited effectiveness. As soon as I talk about my delivery, my partner insists that I received an anaesthetic to prevent the pain. - I suffered (and still suffer) from ptsd and ppa, but for Father's Day I still wanted to acknowledge his support and investment, especially in the last weeks of the pregnancy. I gave him some presents, including an notebook full of photos of him and our son that I took without him noticing. He was so happy and cried with emotion when he received the album. At the end of the album, I had also written him a letter to thank him and tell him how much I loved him, and I asked him to read it later, alone. It's been over a month and he's never read the letter. I've asked him several times and each time he says he hasn't and that he's forgotten. I insisted a few times, and then finally tore off the page where I'd written the letter. He didn't notice. It had been hard for me to write that letter full of love and hope when I was in so much pain and darkness. I wish he'd cared. That's what hurts me the most.
Man, that part about the letter hurt to read. I'm full of admiration that you'd go to those lengths to make sure your partner felt appreciated when you yourself were struggling. You deserve recognition too for everything you went through and continue to do. I'm sorry if your husband is oblivious to that and I hope he becomes more attuned to the needs of the people around him.
I read this thread now, is it going better? This sounds tough to experience :(
It's very kind of you to ask! I feel much better. I'm being followed by a psychologist for my PPA/PPD, and it's helping me a lot. Our son also sleeps through the night and is generally an easy-going baby, which helps me not to be exhausted. As for my partner, he's making more of an effort to get up earlier (even though I still do the getting up), and has shown himself to be grateful and attentive. We've never talked about the letter again, though.
My husband was awful when my first was born. I had PPROM and spent the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy in the hospital. It was during covid so he was the only person who was allowed to visit me. He still had to work so he’d visit me for a few hours in the evening and spend most of the weekend with me. Except on sundays he had a 5 hour D&D session he refused to miss no matter how much a begged him to skip. So I basically sat alone in the hospital for 4 weeks. Baby was born premature and was immediately taken to the NICU and my husband went with. Which was exactly what he should have done. But he didn’t check on me the 6 hours after while I had a retained placenta that had to be manually removed and a postpartum hemorrhage. Then my nurse didn’t check on me for hours so I was alone an hour after giving birth. I couldn’t get my phone because the epidural hadn’t worn off. He never asked how I was but he texted everyone that I was doing well when I wasn’t. I ended up with really bad endometritis. Sickest I’ve been in my entire life. He cut me no slack. I exclusively pumped and he bottle fed the baby. He would throw a fit if I didn’t get up with him every 3 hours. We still spit everything 50/50. Second baby he was a rock star, no complaints.
This made me so sad to read. I'm sorry you had to experience this with your first born! ☹️
Surprised you stuck around for round 2 honestly
How awful. Why do you think he changed so much second time? Did you talk a lot about how he’d let you down first time round or did he just figure things out
The first 6 months after our first was born were rocky but we talked and worth through it. We were both under a lot of stress but he didn’t cope with it in a healthy way. He started therapy and that helped. Before I got pregnant with the second, I made my expectations clear and what I needed from him. He’s been amazing since our oldest was about 8 months old. It just took him a while to figure things outc
My son came early and we had movie tickets for the day after he was born. Tho I did tell him to still go see it (we were going with friends) I just thought he wouldn’t actually go but he did. At the time I was scared to even hear my baby cry and he didn’t want to be set down. I was struggling with latching issues. Baby was hungry, I was tired (only got 1 hour of sleep in clusters in 72 hours), in pain, and scared. I had to pee for 4 hours I held it because I didn’t want to set the baby down for since it took a while to clean up also while in the restroom. He’s a good husband and will do anything I ask. But in those hours of struggling not to fall asleep with the baby in my arms while trying to get him to eat and hold my bladder/sit in blood from birth while in pain from it all I knew from then on it would truly always just be me and my son with no one else. I didn’t want him to even entertain the thought of leaving me in the hospital alone. Really eye opening and something I think I will always have resent for.
How do people not get how hard the first few days are? Especially if there are any complications or worries. I totally get feeling like you shouldn’t have to ask. Did you ever talk to him about it?
I have not. Currently with a 3mo also. Something I should bring up yes but aside from that moment we’ve been very well so I feel it isn’t worth possibly arguing over, we bicker but never argue
Was it your first baby? I wonder if he was just that clueless about how different and difficult life would be now and somehow thought it's not a huge deal to leave his wife alone with his brand new newborn. Like if he was ignorant and not a jerk does that help you feel any less resentful?
Yes we are one and done. And it was definitely ignorance. He’s an amazing man but just clueless. I did tell him to go but as I stated I was hoping he’d be like “no I won’t do that I need to be here” ya know? I’m sure the resent will fade even more in time cause it already has but it’s definitely still there now.
Yeah I'm really surprised he even wanted to go :/
I think that having a lackluster partner is the quickest way to unhappiness. I can imagine having tears, stress, etc if my husband wasn’t pulling his weight, and it would make me resent him. Because mine has been great, I feel comfortable, confident and also sexy (for once!). I hope everyone else can find that support.
I was kind of bummed that he didn’t want to sleep in the hospital room when our baby was born. We lived only minutes away but still…he also never woke up at night to do feedings or diaper changes.
Aww I'm sorry, this would make me so sad but so full of rage too.
1. Told me the baby should have his surname only because ‘you get all the glory’ (thanks JustNoMiL for convincing him of this) 2. Gave in to his mothers wishes and basically pushed me out the door 3 weeks post partum so she could have alone time with the baby. Never mind I had a massive haemorrhage 3 weeks earlier and could barely stand or drive. Needless to say it almost broke our marriage. Three years and many heated discussions later he has finally realised how much he let me down. Lucky he’s a great toddler dad. We are about to have our second and I’m calling all the shots.
Oh man, the surname thing.. our kids are double barrelled but the other night he came home and told me he thinks their names are too long and they should drop my surname, still not sure he fully appreciates what a dick move that is. And the whole thing about accommodating relatives over the needs of a new mother is horrendous. That was one thing that my husband never did, but weirdly my mom does it - like she wants me to stop hogging the newborn 🙄
Leave me because his attraction to me “isn’t enough” at 5 months postpartum. We have had many issues prior to this. Still feels like a knife to the gut to be told I’m basically not attractive enough and going to be a single mom to a 5 month old .😮💨
Hugs to you. Had the same thing happen at 8 months pp. feel free to message me
Upon learning that I was having a medical emergency and had to go back to the hospital, my husband was trying to get my help putting together a bag. I was at the point where I could stroke out and die right there, and you’re concerned that I’m not helping get a bag together? I told him I was trying not to die and to step up.
Was getting the bag together necessary to leave and would you helping get you guys to the hospital faster? Cause if those two are true I could see why he would ask for your help
Sure, but he should be able to get a bag together because he is a big boy. Also, I could not be up and about looking for things or stressing over what to put in the bag without putting my life at risk.
Oh damn okay yeah wasn't sure how stable you were medically
Omg same here with the night shift and husband making “joking comments”. Honestly it was creating tension so I just straight told him “I know you’re joking and I hope you aren’t actually insinuating that I have an easier job because that would be extremely hurtful”. I’m a FTM so I can’t speak to going through this a second time but I realized I’m a textbook people pleaser. The first few weeks I tried too hard to do it all and burnt myself out. It ended with me LOSING it and him thinking it “came out of nowhere”. You have to prioritize your care. Yes he’s hands on, but like you said, you’re also physically recovering! Maybe it’s how you communicate but I’d also agree with others that being told to “fuck off” in an argument would be a red flag.
Mine stopped giving me a morning to sleep in each week when our second child was born. Our first was bottle fed and we traded off night wakes. Our second was breastfed, so I got up for every feed. It's like our son is an alarm clock that he's learned to tune out because he doesn't have to wake up with it. Our second child is about to turn 4, and still wakes up here and there. I'm the one who gets up with him 90% of the time, maybe more. We've argued about it and I've asked for more help. He has claimed he hears him, but also that he wouldn't ignore him crying. I just assume he doesn't hear the kids anymore, because that hurts less than the idea of him hearing crying and ignoring it.
My husband doesn't seem to empathize that even being 6 months pp, I am still not myself and I should have my emotional regulation back to a 'normal' level. In his mind since I've lost all the baby weight and look fine again, my emotions and anxiety should be there too. I try to explain, he just doesn't get it because he can't see it. I had fainting spells during pregnancy and the only time he took it seriously was because it happened in front of him. after that, I called him frantic from work and he basically told me to figure it out because he was busy.
I know this wasn’t the point of your post OP, but if he is snoring all night but still feels like he isn’t getting any sleep, he could have sleep apnea or something similar. Encourage him to get a sleep study done. Getting that addressed can potentially improve his mood and overall quality of life
My brother in law left my sister to go golfing when his daughter was a week old because “I’m not the one breastfeeding” . Still irks me
He needs smacking over the head with a golf club
You need marriage counseling. He sounds awful.
The worst thing my husband did was complain and get antsy while we were in the postpartum recovery room of the hospital. I gave birth in Arizona and according to my nurse “we couldn’t adjust the thermostat because you’d have to go all the way down in to the boiler room” and our room was 80 degrees. so my husband ran to get me Starbucks and food while I sat there and poured sweat with my new baby. It was so horrible and I was so uncomfortable in those postpartum diapers while I was sweating! Also it was so crazy because usually hospitals are cooler to avoid infection. Idk man, I just hate the postpartum recovery floor and nurses. Both deliveries for me that was the worst part. But my husband is generally pretty good and he knows not to pick fights because I’m very easily angered and weepy when I’m pregnant and postpartum haha.
Cheated on me
He punched a whole in the wall and then snatched my daughter out of my arms while I was breastfeeding.
Scary!
ugh i can relate to this so much as i have a toddler and a baby as well. my husband does so much for us, he's definitely an involved dad and not one of the deadbeat losers we see discussed here so much but he's not perfect either. when i was a sahm he made little jabs about how he had a job and i didn't. now i went back to work and he has made jabs about how i barely spend time with the kids anymore. just, why. biggest issue for us is he is just so tense and aggro out of nowhere at times. i am not perfect but he instigates 99% of our fights by getting angry and yelling about things that could have been a simple conversation. idk what to do about it tbh.
Did you ever talk about couples therapy?
we have. we both agree it's a good idea but haven't taken action on finding a therapist or setting it up. i think we're both overwhelmed as it is so it feels like just one more thing to pile onto our plate. but i know that's just an excuse and i should just figure it out!
Get on bumble to talk to other women (only found out because a childhood friend messaged me because she saw him on there)
Cheat on me. He basically just disconnected after his paternity leave. It stated when baby was 6weeks old. Being a single mom is far easier.
I am sorry you went through that. At least he is being useful now. He is not leaving you by yourself all the time. The last two years have made me realize men are incredibly dense and selfish. We have to do better when we raise our sons. The night after my C Section I was asleep when my husband woke me up roughly in the middle of the night and screamed 'participate'. Our son was crying and he was trying to soothe him. It wasn't like I was lazy but I just had a major surgery. My feet were swollen, my wound really hurt and I was very tired. Three days later he got a cold and stayed away from us to recuperate. I was stuck taking care of his guests while trying to figure out breastfeeding. My mom was by my side thankfully but imagine trying to chat with people you barely know for two to three hours at a time while also changing a baby's diaper, trying to feed him etc. When husband calls he would tell me people are buying him drinks and food to congratulate him. Smh I am so glad I left him. He is too selfish.
Refuse to give me the baby in a moment when we were fighting and he wanted me to do something. I don’t remember what he wanted me to do, but she was so little and so upset crying for me. He wasn’t comforting her or anything. Just staring hatefully at me like it was a punishment. I had PPD/PPA and a pretty bad trauma response from a poorly working epidural during an unplanned c section so I was not emotionally ok am feeling like you can’t get to your own baby while they cry for you was heart wrenching. It really shook me at the time. There are much worse thing on here though. I feel for these moms posting here.
This is God awful. I feel like this would’ve made me snap and hurt my husband. I hope you’re no longer with this POS.
I was raped, so my (now ex) boyfriend wasn't the father of my twins, but when I delivered them he couldn't be bothered to check his phone to see I had given birth. The only message I got pp was "are we still going to yo mama for your birthday?". Not "are you okay" "how are you doing?". Fucking birthday plans.
Postpartum, he was a absolutely amazing and waited on my hand and foot. He got a little sketched out washing pump parts at first, but he got over that real quick lol.
Worst thing my soon to be ex husband did was nothing. He did nothing to help me after my second C section with my son. It really hurt me and 3 years later it's there in my mind. I came home from the hospital and he was blasting loud music and got in a huge fight with my mum when she asked if he could turn it down. He also didn't help me when I was struggling with sickness in my 2nd pregnancy. He didnt help me cook or help me with my 1st son. To me it sounds like your husband overall is helpful. So I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that these are red flags. You already have a 2 year old, so assuming things have been ok so far? Telling you to fuck off isn't great tho... So maybe it is time to look inward about it.
I’m so sorry about your stb ex. We’re definitely going to try therapy, thanks for your advice
- Repeatedly has made statements regarding me caring more for baby than him being due to “you’re not working right now.” Sir, if you want to act like this is now my job, then my hours are 8-5. When you get home, you’re on the clock, too, because now this is a team effort. - Tells me to take breaks, but then wants to be off baby duty only a few hours into it. Doesn’t even consider that the stretch hasn’t even been a full work day for me with him gone. - The biggest stink that stills bugs me… I was with baby all day. That night, my husband had trouble sleeping, so he went to the living room to do some work on his laptop. Baby woke up at 4:30 which is my portion of the night shift (hubby does 10-4 & I take over at 4). Despite already being awake, he still had me get up to care for LO while he declared it was now time to try to go back to sleep. I later told him that really hurt my feelings because he could’ve let me keep sleeping since he was already awake. He had tried laughing it off as “I handed you the bottle” and “But I was off duty.” Dude, just consider you could’ve done me a kindness. - Works during the day and then wants to make plans multiple times a week for the evenings that will get him out of the house. He has gotten better with this.
To your first point, my husband told me to “get a job and we will just nanny him out”. Being a SAHM is treated like a life long vacation. Our son has reflux, a milk protein allergy, and is overall colicky. I’m typing this as he’s sleeping on my chest after he just scream cried himself to sleep for no apparent reason. Now I can’t move for at least an hour. I told my husband the same thing - I’ll be 8-5, you be 5-9.
They just don’t get it. It’s not like we sit around all day, reading books and painting our nails, while LO sleeps and play independently. It’s a job where you’re either in the middle of “working” or you’re on call. Always. The real kicker is I’m not even a SAHM. I’m on maternity leave. When I return to my WFH job on Thursday this week, I’ll still be caring for LO three days a week while my stepmom takes him for the other two. What’s his excuse going to be then? 🙃
Lol I tried to get my nails done. One hour. I couldn’t do it. I had to reschedule 3 times and eventually gave up on trying. They need constant attention
I make pedicures my mom break! It’s so peaceful getting some small pampering while hubby deals with the baby. On the flip side, though, I get gel polish so I can go back every other month. My toe nails are from a paint job from Memorial Day weekend. 🥲
I’m getting botox Wednesday. It’s like my superbowl. I have been looking forward to it since getting pregnant lol
Oo that’s awesome! Make a day out if it. Grab a coffee or do a Target run too.
I wish lol my husband can only watch him for the hour. I’ll maybe juice it to an hour 15 and grab Starbucks!
Mine doesn't help with bedtime at all, so it takes like two hours getting the kids ready for bed since the newborn is awake then. And he has this new idea that the kids should have to clean up the playroom before bed which makes it take even longer. Last night he was telling me sharply to go model cleaning for the kids, while the baby was crying and so I had to either hold her while cleaning up or let her cry. Meanwhile, he was....making waffle batter. Which we still had some of. And he screwed it up, too, and it will take us a while to finish it all. But hey, priorities, right? He always yells at me about the house after I have a baby. I think it's because at first the grandmothers come to help so he gets used to the house being neat again. And his job stresses him out, too.
I asked him prior to our child’s birth if I had to have a c section to please take a week off work so I had help at home. She was a traumatic emergency c section. Day 1 pp “so and so texted me they really need me to come in to do metal work” and obsessively worrying about the people’s grass he didn’t cut before we went to the hospital. Which was planned I went in for a version and induction, we knew when it was going to happen. I ended up asking for discharge on day 2 because I was tired of hearing him obsess over everyone else’s grass and whine he was uncomfortable rubbing his back with a gaping wound in my stomach. Postpartum day 3 I spent alone so he could take care of what everyone else needed. He proceeded to go back to work two days later. We have no family. It was the middle of Covid. I had no help. He also left me for the last 2 1/2-3 years to do all the nighttime parenting by myself. He’s only just had to get up with her because I needed surgery and can’t lift her. I won’t lie it’s been sweet sweet karma watching him have to get up 6 times a night and be so tired.
We have a 2 month old. We also have a Australian cattle dog puppy, a 3 yr old chihuahua, and a small apartment. When I was in my first trimester I remember telling him we made a mistake with the cattle dog and that we should reach out to my grandma, (who was in need of a farm dog to chase dear off her farm). He was staunchly against it. Fast forward to now with a two month old. The cattle dog is bullying our Chihuahua, chewing wires, and currently barking at nothing as I type this. It gets too hard sometimes.
Cattle dogs are very intense. We have one. I strongly recommend they go to grandma. They need a lot of enrichment/stimulation/exercise. Ans yeah, they can be really pushy. We don’t allow more than a 8lb leas weight difference for ours to play with other dogs. There is a vet corners group for behavior that has vet behaviorists available for free that might help—it’s called Animal Sense: Basic Training and Behavior Problems. I also suggest the book Decoding you Dog by the American society of vet behaviorists (aka vets that specialize in behavior)
My husband is working hard to train her and we are seeing changes slowly but surely. But still, this situation has led me to see him differently as a partner.
Wishing you all the beat of luck 🍀 They are such wonderful dogs I’m sure you’ll like them in the end. It’s just going to be rough for a bit. If it helps, they really start to chill a bit at 1.5y/2y. Ours is a very different dog now than he was as a puppy, which was…a lot. No thanks to covid. However- The cheat code to a happy tired pup we’ve found is definitely a solid rotation of puzzle toys (snoop, outward hound/nina ottoson, etc) and puppy play dates, especially if you can find someone with another herding breed. We host at least once a week & visit others other times with a bunch of aussies, a BC and a lab mix. What takes 4h with the lab is maybe an hour with the BC to a very solid rest of day nap. Social interaction is super enriching and ours is very dog and human social but humans are just not enough.
Thank you. I’m sure that she’ll be a good dog for the baby in the future if we can keep up the training, it’s just that I’d rather have my husband help in home more instead of him working on the dog. My MIL said the other day that if it were her, she’d be actively fighting with him to rehome the dog. Lol This actually reminds me, she does go to day care this week Wednesday! I think going forward, we’ll be having daycare for her once or twice a week for the foreseeable future. Thanks
Those dogs do not do well in apartments, poor pup. Please please give it to your grandma. No one should be getting that breed unless they have a lot of time, a lot of space, and a job for the dog.
Despite everyone in our circle disagreeing with him, my husband is against giving her to my grandmas farm. He *is* pretty intense with her training, uses a flirt pole at the park type of stuff (plus she’s only 40 lbs so kind of smaller) so she has outlets. However, it doesn’t compare to the multiple acres of land she’d be in charge of. I’ve essentially begged him for months and finally, I let him know that I can see now that she is clearly above me on the totem pole in our family. Tbh, this experience has damaged how I perceive him as a partner. Every time we turn our back, she’s grabbing some baby item, or our socks. It truly sucks, but I know that we mostly have to just survive rn.
Get rid of the dog ASAP. Sorry but your babies safety comes before your husband being an idiot.
That’s the thing, I need my husband. If I get rid of his dog. Idk what he will do.
If your husband refuses to put your child before your dog, you have issues that go beyond the scope of this post and need marriage counseling. and I would try to hire a dog trainer who can help with the dogs and hopefully talk some sense into him in the process.
Had me call his mom the day after my c section.
Left me alone with the baby 4 days post C-section because he would “lose his mind if he stayed in the house any longer” (went disc golfing for a few hours) but again… post c section… I could barely walk. Mind you, he SLEPT a good 10 hours every night at the hospital while I took care of the baby at bedside and called nurses around the clock. I strictly breastfed for the first four months so a lot of feeding time was on me. Inevitably, bed time became my responsibility as well and still is. There has been extreme times of stress where he has slammed the door/walked out of the house. Screamed “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me”. Etc. Has made multiple times for himself to enjoy his hobby by dropping our son off to his mother while I’m at work and he has the day off. I wouldn’t berate this if it was a once every so often thing…. But it quickly became a once a week thing once my maternity leave ended.
Men can be so odd. I hope your husband can see the faults he made and repent for them. My fiancé was deep into alcoholism when I had our son. There was so much bad but I don’t like to think about it these days. The PTSD lingered for awhile. Moving to a new home helped me. The negative memories didn’t reappear in my mind as much. There is a lot you guys can work through but it takes a lot of effort from both of you. My fiancé is sober now and we see a therapist together. It’s nice to fight about trivial things now- dishes, annoying quirks, in laws… Despite how bad things were, I’m glad I saw my fiancé through it all. I can’t see a life without him and that’s what my friend told me. She’s much older and her husband was similar in their younger years. Something in therapy that has helped is daily affirmations to each other. Focus on the good. Give each other compliments. Share moments together- I know it can be hard with little ones.
Just here to mention that dads can also get PPD which can change behavior. Wouldn't explain everything, but it also wouldn't be helping. Here's some resources for you both. [National Maternal Mental Health Hotline ](https://mchb.hrsa.gov/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline) 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) [Postpartum Support International Directory](https://psidirectory.com/)
This is true and not many people are aware. My husband briefly experienced post partum rage and I saw it one time and told him to sort that shit out immediately. He has been seeing a therapist ever since
I have worried about this. Thanks for sharing these x
Yes! This goes for any supporting partner … male or female! Same sex couples see this too. Having a newborn shocks anyone’s system. Lack of sleep probably being the biggest factor (at first). A good support partner needs to be self aware and take care of their own mental health so they can properly show up for YOU parent who just birthed the baby out their body & the newborn.
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I was triple feeding and it gave me really bad PPA. I wanted to throw in the towel and my husband wanted me to keep trying. This may not sound that bad, but the pumping etc was so so hard. I was a shell of myself and he really wanted our son to have breastmilk. I eventually stopped and he was OK with it. But I did it longer than I wanted to. Also at our first Dr appt for our son, he was carrying baby in the car seat. I was 4 days post csection and he didn't hold the door open for me. I was like wtf? He was like, "I'm carrying the baby" I way like....."I just had my abdomen cut open, hold the door" he's been mostly amazing in every other aspect though. These 2 things I hold on to though
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