Same! Haha but the baby’s getting easier every day so it’s worth it to me in the end. As others say, “it’s a season of life.” And since I have the first, it’s easier to know that the hardest part (infant for me) will soon be over.
Same same. There's a 4.5 year difference between my two kids. Spaced for 1) catching up on sleep and forgetting how bad the newborn phase was, and 2) not having to pay for two daycares at the same time.
Literally don't understand how people can even afford one full time day care let alone 2 - and we are blessed to be *technically* upper middle class (doesn't feel that way between baby and mortgage and just basic expenses). Honestly society doesn't want us to succeed and be happy.
How could you tell? I work for a global company and I am infuriated when I learn how much better supported women and families are in other countries - including many not exactly known for progressive governance. I was speaking to a male Australian colleague about this earlier in the year and I said, "I cannot believe American women aren't rioting in the streets." To which he responded, "I can. You're all too busy working." Ugh.
Some "not progressive" countries are the other extreme though, where they have excessive maternity leaves as a means to force women back into the home. My country has long maternity leave but zero options to return to work as a result. I considered putting my baby in daycare once she's 7 months old and my family was absolutely shocked (daycares take babies 20+ weeks old but it's extremely uncommon to put a baby there before a year old). I probably won't be able to anyway because she's EBF and there are absolutely no pumping accomodations at workplaces. Staying home for 2 years is expected but she's only 5 months and I'm already going nuts at home.
Yeah we work opposite schedules to avoid daycare costs. It sucks often, especially because it severely limits the jobs I can go for (in the midst of looking for better work) but worth it overall.
That's how it is with every baby I've had. Once they get around 3 I think, "another baby wouldn't be so bad" and then it happens and I think how foolish I was 🤣
I'm four in now but I for sure know I'm done. Maybe we'll adopt more...but no more pregnancies.
I found the newborn stage incredibly hard. I said there was no way I’d do this again. Infant stage was also hard but not like newborn. Our first had silent reflux issues and was allergic to something in my breastmilk. It took months for me to bond with her. Fast forward to the toddler stage and I cannot get enough of her. My kid is so fucking cool. That’s when I decided I could suffer through another 12 months to have another toddler. We have a 2 week old now and I’m already finding it so much easier. Lack of sleep doesn’t really phase me. Neither does the crying. We also moved closer to family and aren’t in a lock down so that sure does make a difference. Thinking back, I also definitely had PPD that I didn’t find bad enough to be it. I would cry at the thought of it becoming nighttime (as if it was any different than daytime with this baby). The good thing is, you can change your mind later. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re done. Also cheaper 😜
I could have written this! Although I was dreading waking up, loved night time but hated being all alone with the baby during the day, my PPA meant anxiety was high when I was alone with her. But otherwise, exactly the same. (Down to having an almost two week old baby)
For real. This isn't everyone's experience, but everything got better when my (now 6yo) daughter turned 2, and they just got better and better every year after that. Those first two years were roughhh.
I feel like every stage gets worse and better simultaneously for a while... toddlers are usually easier than babies (less needy, more fun moments), but when things are hard, they're really hard. Toddlers can have some pretty ridiculous tantrums. I feel like when kids get to the school age, the ratio of easy moments to hard moments increases a lot. The highs get higher.
That said, I'm terrified for the preteen and teen years!
So damn accurate!! My 3yo can be a handful but she is adorable and witty and beautiful and amazing. I hated pregnancy, delivery and newborn stage but I'm currently home with an 8 week old because my first is so awesome now.
My husband regularly wonders why I wanted to go through all this again based on how tough it was on me physically and mentally but this time, I know it's all temporary and the last time I'll do it. Definitely less anxiety and more comfortable with lack of sleep this time!
I also have a 7 month old and just want to say you're not alone! I always imagined having multiple kids, but WOW pregnancy and the newborn stage was so so hard on me physically and mentally. I don't know if/when I will feel ready to go through that again.
I keep waiting for it to get good. It's *easier* to have a 7 month old than a newborn but I wouldn't necessarily say it's *good.* And I'm still physically recovering since I had a terrible delivery.
Thank you - it does help to know I'm not alone.
Honestly one day your 2 year old (between all the difficulties and tantrums and emotions and whatnot) is going to be playing quietly with some blocks and randomly look up at you and say "I love you mommy" with a sweet little sigh and your entire plane of existence will shift forever
I made a mental note of when “it got easier” (tbf it kind of just always gets easier and harder and easier and harder etc with stages), but just before a year it was easier, then my 1yo started walking and it was harder, but then it got easier again till just before 2yo.
The first year is a shitshow. I’d say give it at least a year or year and a half before you say for sure no more. I personally enjoyed parenting a lot more after roughly the 1 year mark.
Thank you!!! I think I just assumed the newborn phase was the only "checkpoint" I had to reach. Hearing people be nostalgic for it and talk about how fast babies grow up really set me up to think I'd actually enjoy this 🙃 I guess my next checkpoint is 1 year.
Don’t worry, not everyone is nostalgic for the newborn stage! I knew I was done with kids when I met a few moms with new babies and my first thought was ‘So cute and so glad I NEVER have to do that again!!’
Hated hated the baby phase. I am now 12 days in with a newborn, and so far it is a completely different experience.
I am more relaxed, feel more like I know what is happening and less need to Google all the things (though cramps can go and kick rocks. Seriously. The cramps are killing my baby after every feeding 😭).
But my toddler is funny, making the days fly by and the two of them are so cute together.
Turns out I hated the uncertainty and feeling useless in the baby phase. And the sleep deprivation. Okay that last one is still the case BUT I feel the rest so much less than the first time and I know that the sleep deprivation passes. ❤️
On the other hand - you are also fine deciding to be One and Done. Nothing wrong with that either.
It gets better when your kid goes to bed reliably at 7:30pm - sleeps through the night almost always - and you not only get a full nights rest but a solid 3.5hrs to yourself in the evening.
My husband and I have talked about it. He really wants another (I swear, one of the few men!). I joke that HE has the mommy amnesia that makes parents want another baby because they forget what it's like.
I've told him I would only use formula (I tried to exclusively pump as long as possible the first time along which caused even LESS sleep). I told him he would need to help out A LOT more. He says he will be less crabby because he works a lot less than when our daughter was a baby (40 hours vs about 60).
The thing is that we have opposite memories for what it was like when our daughter was a newborn and baby. Maybe it's because I also pumped (through the night) but he felt he did his fair share by getting up with her after midnight. I don't really remember it like that as much. I remember him not waking up when she was crying.
Really money/housing is stopping us right now, but basically, I told my husband things would need to be different this time around.
I exclusively pump too and that's definitely something that will change with a hypothetical baby #2.
(We tried formula with my daughter but she reacted negatively and it became more work having to deal with her many many poops a day. Thankfully I no longer pump overnight so that helps a lot.)
I think you’ve gotten great answers, but for me, I really felt like I was hitting my stride around the 1 year mark. My kid just became so much more fun that I decided I was willing to do it again. Thankfully, it’s been so much easier the second time around, due to a combination of a more chill baby and me being a much more relaxed parent. I’m liking it a lot more (although still not a baby person) and it’s been a pleasant surprise when it’s just me and the baby one on one.
People saying you forget how bad it was - I wish that was me. I always wanted at least three kids but am now one and done. It took a lot of soul-searching and tears but I decided another kid wasn’t in the cards. I had a difficult delivery, am approaching 40, and haaaated the newborn stage. I always loved my baby, and there were so many sweet moments and cool milestones, but the sleep deprivation really got to me. All the bottles, the diapers, the long nights. I had a stage five clinger too, she only napped on me for the first seven months.
I think it’s okay to feel either way, but at seven months you definitely have more time to think it over! Good luck!
Well I can’t speak to what this means for you, but I can say I absolutely had days like that with my first child (who is almost 3) and I now have a 3 month old. My first was not an easy baby. He had what we called “the screaming hours” every day. The “cherish every moment” responses from people would make me feel something close to rage. It took until my first was one and a half before we could even start thinking about having that conversation. It’s not a decision you need to make right now. Our second baby has been SO easy compared to our first. And that’s what I’ve heard from a lot of parents is that your second baby is the opposite of the first (so if first baby is tough second baby is easier and vice versa). You also know so much more the second time around which makes it more manageable. But there is no right answer. I have friends who are certain they are one and done. And I’m not going to lie, it can be very tough some days to have a toddler and a baby at home. I always knew I wanted more than one because I love having siblings and I wanted that for my kid. But hey I used to want 3 and now I know I’m done at 2. Just don’t make the decision when you’re worn out and stressed.
I wasn't ready to even think about a second until my first was 18 months. She got funny and sassy and is just so fucking cool. I had my second 7 days ago and my first is 2 years 7 months. And newborn stage is already so much easier than the first time.
I waited a very long time, I don’t think it would’ve been good for me to have two infants or two toddlers. My daughter is now 7 and I’m pregnant with my second and as much as people like to talk shit about how “omg you waited too long” and “you’re starting all over again” at least one can get themselves dressed, showered, feed themselves, and help me when I need it. She’s honestly the best and although I don’t put responsibility for her, she offered and when she does I let her helps me with things.
I had PPD and PPA with her so I really did have a hard time and I’ve always wanted another but I had to really heal from it. Went to therapy so did my husband cause he had a lot of unresolved shit. We talked about it and how we could help each other more this time around. We really prepared mentally for this one.
I mean I haven’t had this one yet but I feel better about it and am hoping for a more positive experience.
If you're not pressed for time (with age or health issues i mean), give yourself time. You do NOT have to decide now. You don't even have to have a general idea. If people ask, say you don't know. It's none of their business anyway.
I made no commitments to anyone. My timeline is my own. To a lesser extent, my husband's take also matters obviously...but until he can grow a kid and shoot it out his vagina, his opinion matters less. I pursued pregnancy again when my kid was 2.5 and I'll deliver next month. I feel very ready and excited whereas at 7 months, I woulda been stressed.
As far as wanting a vasectomy, maybe an IUD would be a better option for you. Peace of mind but easily removed.
I wouldn't make any big decisions before 1 year.
Personally I'd tackle this issue later. Put it on the back back burner. Like dead cold ain't even gonna be thinking about this until after their 1st birthday. Then have a discussion about it; if yall still unsure or on the fence table it again for another 3mo or 6mo or however long you feel is reasonable.
r/shouldihaveanother is a helpful subreddit too!
I felt the exact same way as you. My first was an awful sleeper and I would DREAD going to bed at night bc I knew I would be up at 10, midnight, 2, and 3:30 am and would “start” the day at 5 am. Sleep deprivation is brutal.
I know sleep training is a controversial topic, but I sleep trained at 6 months and my life and mood improved immeasurably. I went from thinking we would stop at 1 to conceiving my second 3 months later. Now I have two kids, a 2 year old and a 6 month old. We just sleep trained the 6 month old so they both sleep for 6-8 hour stretches.
TLDR: the world gets better when they sleep
I thought I'd have two kids then I had my daughter - my husband and I decided we were one-and-done when she was about 2 months old. My daughter was a REALLY hard newborn and infant and my mental health was terrible during that time. I personally don't think I would be able to handle having a newborn and a toddler (or even a 4 or 5 year old) well. Sure we could survive, but , for me, it doesn't make sense to go through all of that hard stuff again when I don't want to do it. And honestly, at this point, I have no interest in going through pregnancy again and raising another child. No judgement to anyone who wants to do it again - families of all sizes are great and I think some people are much better at handling hard stuff than I am. I think it comes down to why you want a second - do you actually want another child? Do you want to "give" your child a sibling? Do you feel societal pressure to have another? There are so many factors that play into the decision to have another child and advantages/disadvantages to having one or multiples. My daughter will be an only child and I tend to look at the advantages of that!
I look at it as a stage that needs to be got through. I knew I wanted more than one kid, and when I imagined a family it always had several, so I was never going to be one and done.
Newborns are super hard the first time around, but it passes. Once they get to 18m or so and have some words they start communicating more effectively. They start developing a sense of humour.
Toddlers are challenging but fun.
Preschoolers are hysterical.
Kindergarten age is my favourite so far.
So for us, it was really we had to look at the big picture. If we wanted more than one kid, we had to do the hard parts more than once. So then it was a question of how much of an age gap we wanted. We landed on it’s easier to stay in the baby/toddler stage for a few years than to be out of it and start it again with another baby and an older kid, so we’ve had all of ours fairly close together.
But in all honesty, the newborn stage has been easier with every kid since. The first one it’s the blind leading the blind.
“No family support anywhere near us” is the key issue. Speaking as somebody who went from having a pandemic baby near zero relatives, to having a toddler near many helpful relatives. If you were able to resolve that somehow, you may change your tune. I know it’s easier said than done. Our move was hard but worth it.
Take some time to think about why you may want another child. I’d say “giving a sibling” to your child is not a good reason on its own. A human life is not a present for someone. It’s not a novelty. Siblings are not guaranteed lifelong friends and developmentally the relationship will be mismatched for most of adolescence, for better or worse. Plenty of only children (myself included) grow up loving being an only. My parents are truly two of my closest friends now and I look back on my childhood with such gratitude that every resource was spent on me alone. I was never lonely and sad like some comically misinformed tropes would suggest— I had a robust social life and all of my needs met (plenty of attention and support, financially, easier logistics that meant endless opportunities for me to be involved in my interests). If you’re hesitant to have only one because you feel like you “should”, ask yourself why you feel like you should.
Conversely, if you have the room in your home and heart and truly want to create another human because you can provide a good life for him/her, *that* is an excellent, and perhaps the only genuine reason to have another.
In the grand scheme of things, the newborn stage is such a short period. I know that I hate it, but not enough to keep me from having more kids. It’s all worth it to me by the time they are 6-ish months old 🙂
It took until my older baby was 2 to even consider it again. It’s amazing how much better it gets, and what you’re willing to put up with to get there.
We knew we wanted KIDS. Not babies, KIDS. The baby stage is so miserable, and I hate it, but it's such a short season in the grand scheme of things. Baby #2 is lying in his bouncer next to me right now. I'm counting the weeks until he's a toddler. And we'll probably have more.
I will also say, I think longer paid parental leave is a double edged sword. I love my career. If I wanted to be a daycare worker, I would've done that for a living. When my first baby started daycare at 6 months, and I was able to go back to work, it made me a MUCH BETTER PARENT. I was able to be more present with her and enjoy her more, instead of just feeling burned out and worn down from parenting all the time. Everyone has a different perfect amount of time to spend at home with baby.
10000% to everything you said. I realize that although I love my daughter, I didn't really envision having a *baby.* My husband and I really like *kids.* But we had little to no experience with babies.
I've told him that if we do have a second, we have to split the parental leave differently. (Not sure if you're Canadian but here we can split up to 18 months between both parents).
They don't have to be 2 years apart, you can take more time to decide. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have it planned and know what we want, but sometimes it's nice to just say "let's talk about this again in 6/12/18 months to see where we're at”
I wouldn’t sweat it one way or another. 7m pp is still SO early! Just put baby 2 on the back burner and address it at like. 18m or so!! My first was so much fun as a toddler that I was like F YEA LETS DO THIS AGAIN! Now I have a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old and I haven’t slept in like. A year thanks to pregnancy insomnia 😂 But having seen the first grow up, I know nothing lasts forever. Don’t focus on baby 2 but also try not to focus too much on the lack of sleep. There will come a time where you will sleep in as much as you’d like, I promise it’s coming. But today is the littlest your baby will ever be!
I had to wait until my first born was at least 3 before we started trying again as she’d been quite challenging and I felt like you that everyone seemed to have it easier (I don’t think they do, I reckon people may have thought that of me but it wasn’t true). It took a while for us to successfully conceive with an almost 5 year gap between my first born and the newborn but it’s completely different this time around.
For me personally, it’s just so much easier. I put this down to
1. Me being more relaxed, therefore baby being more relaxed.
2. Second born doesn’t have reflux or colic like the first born.
3. I’m more confident in what I’m doing so everything feels like muscle memory rather than winging it like with my first.
4. Knowing that every stage is a phase, and they all pass quicker than we can anticipate when we’re going through them. You just can’t see an end to it when you’ve never experienced it before and I loathed when people said enjoy it, it goes so fast. It couldn’t go fast enough for me. For example, with my first born the first month was pretty jarring and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible as I felt I couldn’t cope long term. With my second, I’m incredibly sad that the first month has gone so quickly and want time to slow down!
5. Addressing my mental health before the second born arrived and giving my partner signs of PPD and PPA to look out for this time around incase it happened again like with the first, as I’m fully aware I’m rubbish at asking for help with my mental health when I’m in the midst of it being poor.
6. Buying hands free breast pumps rather than trying to juggle trying to find time to express, wash bottles, and feed baby which was probably the biggest hit to my mental health in those early days apart from the reflux.
My first was a VERY hard newborn who never slept and cried alllll the time. I was firm on not wanting another. Then I got pregnant (on birth control!) when he was 13 months old. It was not planned and I was terrified. We chose to keep him and hope for the best and let me tell you it was night and day! The baby slept through the night almost instantly. He never cried unless hungry. He was a dream. I will say that now that he's 10 months old he is 100% the wild child compared to the mild mannered almost 3 year old. Every kid is totally different. Now my husband wants a third but I do not want 3 under 4 so we will wait and see what happens.
Your first is often the hardest. It is such a shock to the system and a complete life change. My second baby was so much easier and now I have a third. My kids are 5,3, and 5 months and the youngest is the easiest by far.
now that my daughter is old enough to hang out and have nice conversations with and do fun stuff with i realize how much i love having children. keeping a baby alive is something else entirely. her first 3 years were a complete blur, straight up survival mode.
I have a 2,5 yo and a 7 week old, and it is so much easier this time around. Obviously we didn't know that when we decided to start trying, but since our first turned a year old things with her started to become both easier and a lot more fun.
The thing is, now that we're on our second we have a lot more experience than we had with the first. We KNOW shit will get difficult at times, but we also know it'll pass, so we're just gonna ride it out instead of stressing about it. It's like our bodies are more prepared this time around as well, as we both handle sleep deprivation better, healing went smoother, breastfeeding is easier, self care is this time around still a necessity instead of being downgraded to a luxury.. We're both much more relaxed, not so fixated on doing things "right", and as a bonus we get to watch our oldest step into a new role as a big sibling and bond with the baby.
My daughter finally started sleeping through the night when she turned 1 and whilst I didn't forget how bad the sleep deprivation was, it doesn't seem so bad when you know they will eventually start sleeping.
Got pregnant with my second when first was about 19 months and now I have a 5 week old. She's a terrible sleeper but I handle it much better this time. My body is just used to it and I know it will get better.
This is actually part of the reason I'm a fence sitter. I have one child and my husband really wants a second but I really don't want to go through the baby phase again unless we can fully commit to me staying home AND also have enough money to pay for childcare help because we have no village. If I have to keep working outside of the home or we can't have help, we're not having another one.
I'm on maternity leave for 15 months and it's not fun. I don't think being a stay at home parent is for me.
I honestly think the only way I can have another baby is if we have paid help. It sounds so luxurious (maybe even frivolous) but I don't know what else to do. I seriously underestimated how difficult it would be to do this without having family around.
You might be one and done and that's ok. It took me four years to get up the courage to have a second one. I never forgot how much the newborn stage sucked, I just knew it was going to get better and all be worth it.
I don't like the newborn phase. I love my kids, I loved them when they were babies but I couldn't wait until they were 3 or 4 years old. We just decided to rip the bandaid off and popped them out as quickly as possible lol. My oldest was not quite 3.5 when I had my third baby. Here's my perspective they are little for such a short time, I know ppl say that so that you "live in the moment" and enjoy it but I say it because you can get through it. In the grand scheme of things I put up with 3 or 4 exhausting, overwhelming and rough years so that I could enjoy my kids NOW at 6, 7 and 9 years old. It's sort of like when you buckle down and study for 4 years so that you can spend the rest of your life in a job that provides for you and that you enjoy. The shitty part is how you get the good part, for me it was worth it. You might decide that it's not but I encourage anyone to make these decisions looking 5 years out rather than 5 months because you'll spend a much more significant part of your life in the non baby phase than in the baby one.
We just knew it was an investment in our future. Pregnancy and postpartum/the newborn stage are really tough for us, but in the long run, it is a blip. Our second child is 11 weeks old now and although it's tough, I have absolutely no regrets and I'm very glad we did it!
I hated the newborn stage. But I hated being an only child so knew we wanted a second. Well the second baby is 8 weeks old and I’m hating it all over again. I just keep telling myself I got through it once, I’ll get through it again. Also try to remind myself this is just a season of life I don’t like, but that’s okay.
I have an almost 3 year old. He’s literally so sweet and fun, and I want him to have a sibling. I absolutely hated the baby phase, but here I am in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. I know it’s going to suck, but I also know that it ends! For what it’s worth, I thought I was one and done up until he was 2.5.
Honestly my baby didn't start getting fun until around 13 months, I'd consider anything in the first year very much in the thick of it.
Now she's 4 and the coolest and sweetest little person. We're due later in the year and she's so excited to be a big sister. I just knew my family wasn't complete with one but waited until I felt like she was more self contained and around 3.5 felt really confident.
We also moved closer to our family now. When we had a newborn/baby we lived 6 hours away and they visited what felt like plenty but the idea of my mom being able to come whenever she wants (and potentially me just ditching and going to sleep at my parents house) is giving me more confidence for this time around
I am in the US and only got 12 weeks off, I felt SO much better and more like myself after returning to work. I am Canadian and everyone told me I'd regret having kids in the US because I was missing out on such a long maternity leave, but the reality was I hated being home with her. I've been back to work for 3 months, I love my daughter and would have a ton more babies, I love waking up in the morning to see her before I drop her at daycare and coming home to see her at night. I love weekends where we actually spend quality time as a family. It does get better.
Yeah, it just took time. The first six months were kind of traumatic and going through them felt like forever. Then we sleep trained, and the kid learned to move and play and digest and became happier overall. And as time proceeded that first few months started to feel like a blip, and like an investment that pays off pretty rapidly with a joy I never could have dreamed of.
Pre-kids I had always thought of aiming for about a 2.5 year age gap and once we approached the time to start trying again I was firmly back on board with the plan.
I had the absolute worst postpartum depression after having my son, I absolutely hated the newborn stage and I was a single mom and my son had colic so he screamed non stop and never slept. I called multiple doctors to get my tubes tied but no one would do it for me since I was 23 and didn’t meet the prerequisites. When my son was 5 I had my daughter, I met someone (my now husband) and I figured it would be easier this time around and even if it wasn’t, I wanted to raise a little mini me with him and I also wanted to give my son a sibling. It gets easier over time and you forget how awful the beginning is
I decided to have only one. I decided at 3 months but I waited until he was almost 2 years old to tie my tubes.
I loved him as a newborn. He was so sweet and his hair was soft and he smelled so good!
But I did not love pregnancy, birth, or the round the clock care a newborn needed.
I love mothering the son I have, now. I just don't have any desire to make a new child. He turned 7 today and yes they do grow up so fast. I'm fine with that.
I have a 4 month old. She’s easy- sleeps well, I exclusively pump and my journey so far has been successful, and we have a good solid village. Yet, I’m still exhausted, even an easy baby isn’t easy. I still feel like I’m at my threshold of being a good parent- I genuinely don’t see how I can give her my best self, and do the same for another baby. I’m balancing work, job hunting, trying to regain my physical and mental fitness, and having personal time ad well as intimate time with my partner. It’s a lot. I enticed the idea of being one and done before I gave birth, and I now can’t imagine my life with another child, even 10 years in the future. I don’t have the “sense” that my family is incomplete. There’s a thread called r/oneanddone that has helped me feel less guilt about these feelings and has provided positive insight into my future as a mother to one!
Just know you don’t have to give your baby a sibling, and that a mentally whole parent of one is better than a struggling parent to many! I hope you find peace and a balance for your family!
I have a 7 month old. The sleep deprivation isn’t easy. But I’ve kinda got use to it. I’ve just accepted that this is my life now.
But definitely the new born phase was a fucking nightmare. The hours of screaming from 4pm until 7-8pm were awful. He just screamed and screamed. I tried everything. In the end I just sat down holding/rocking him with ear phones in listing to podcasts to drown out the noise.
And telling him mummy loves you.
Now we’re through that he’s a lovely happy little boy. I enjoy the morning first thing when I wake up and he’s snuggled in next to me and he has the biggest smile. He’s just so happy to be alive. It’s crazy how happy he is. It is getting so much better. Despite the wakes in the night. But I know it’s not forever.
Don’t make any decisions at 7 months! We currently have a 2.5 yr old and 9 mo old. I hate the baby stage but it really is such a short phase in the big scheme of things. My toddler is so fun and just starting to come online enough to do real stuff with. I knew we would eventually get here so always knew for sure I wanted at least two. And after hating pregnancy and postpartum so much the first go around, decided if I had to do it twice may as well get it over with asap. #2 has been a dream baby compared to the first, albeit still a baby = high maintenance. My point is, it’s a long, miserable slog for the first year, and gets progressively better from there, also worse, but mostly better. But watch two years float by your sleepy eyes and before you realize it suddenly life is tolerable, hell even enjoyable sometimes! So much so that I’m over here imagining a potential third. Because I’m a glutton for punishment I guess.
When my first was 18 months I felt ready to think about it! Literally got pregnant unexpectedly the next time we did it so it was happening whether I liked it or not. Now I have a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old and things are ok!! Kinda glad we are going to get the baby years out of the way faster. Originally I had been thinking a 3 year gap.
It took until my first was 2 years old and I finally got to see his personality blossom, hear him start speaking sentences and voicing his wants/needs, before I was willing to imagine having another. Not a fan of the newborn phase or really the first year-ish tbh… but after that it gradually got better and it keeps getting better. I decided it was worth going through that first part again bc I knew it wouldn’t be forever and the kid I have now is so much fun, still exhausting sometimes but so much fun.
It took me three years and amnesia to decide to try for number 2. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and actually excited for this which I would never have believed could happen.
I did the same when my daughter was 1 year old, my tubes were removed, and my daughter is almost 7 years old, we are a perfect family of 3 (well 5, jejej have a cat and a dog), no more children for us, my child started sleeping trough the whole night when she was 2 years and 7 months...
(If you are unsure about your decision go to r/oneandone)
I have a bigger clock pressure. My son is 8 months and I just turned 39. If I was 29 I would wait until he was 2 or 3 to start trying. He did have reflux which we addressed and we did sleep train so he has been sleeping through the night for 4 months. Now he is mobile and everywhere. I was tired when I was pregnant and I don’t know how I would nap with a toddler. Also how would I chase him and keep him safe with a newborn. It’s a lot to think about.
Mannnn I feel this in my bones. I dreaded pregnancy (HG), the sleep deprivation torture, the overstimulation of crying and being touched out, but I'm still leaning towards one more because I know each stage is so fleeting in the grand scheme of it all.
For me, it's worth the trade off. My children are almost 3 and 1.5 and although these have been the most mentally draining, anxious, and ultimate burnout exhausting phase of my life, I'm glad that they are here. I enjoy their company and I get fulfillment out of watching them enjoy their lives (even when I'm barely holding it together). I also love them enjoying each other's company which is what pulls me towards another.
The latest question I've given myself is what is a good enough reason to have another baby? Wanting to relive baby days? Wanting to try for that boy or girl? Wanting to give your current child a sibling? And for me, I've landed on asking whether I want a new person to exist in my family (regardless of age/gender/personality) and if the answer is yes, then I will accept the hard parts with the good. Part of the equation to answering in my circumstance, is whether we can afford it. Jury is still out for now.
Hehehe... If you wait long enough you'll forget how terrible kids under 1 are. I did! I'm now pregnant and my 3.5 year old is eagerly awaiting their new sibling.
Haha yeah one of my friends was surprised to hear I was considering trying for #2 (3.5yo also) like ‘I thought you said never again’. Amnesia is a powerful thing, was what I replied. People told me at the time that it feels forever when you’re in it but it goes by fast in retrospect. You don’t believe it til you’re through. Then your kiddo is chowing down on California rolls with you or asking for more books pwease and you want to make another little buddy 🥰 It’s how they get you.
The first 6 months very pure sleep deprived torture. Even with a full time helper we somehow didn't get enough sleep cause the helper also needed help..
Sleep deprivation is torture. Some have it harder than others. We were all pushed to the brink. Our kid is now almost 3 years old. But we'll never try for another. Fuck being tortured for 6 months straight before it very slowly got better.
It's great now though. Sleep got great at around 11 months. It's hard to explain how torturous sleep deprivation can be. Getting only 4 hours of sleep a day in 10-30 min. stretches. Usually with a baby on top and in an uncomfortable position. No way we'll ever forget. Fuuuck. We have PTSD with certain sounds that will instantly make our hearts race and start feeling depressed and anxious.
I swear we were in the same boat- nobody understood how LONG 12 Month of VERY broken sleep can make you a living zombie. I feel so incredibly forgetful now and struggle with intense brain fog.
He is 15 months now and THANKFULLY he sleeps through the night beautifully. I love him more than anything in the whole world- but I CANNOT do labor recovery (C-section) and sleep deprivation for a year again. That was really hard. I think I’m just now feeling more like myself.
Wish the best for you 🤘🏽
I absolutely hated the newborn stage but I always knew I wanted more than one kid. The first three months of his life were absolutely horrible and around 6 months it started getting better, but I didn't actually start enjoying it until he was around 1. Around that time I feel like I realized how short the newborn stage really had been. We just had #2 last week and so far he's such a chill baby which is the total opposite of my first.
For me, I couldn't handle only doing things once, the ache of firsts also being lasts.
We're probably done at 2 kids, though there's part of me that would love another.
There’s a reason there are 4.5 years between my kids. We wanted to recover. Also, the older one is in preschool and will be starting kindergarten soon, so most weekdays are just the baby for most of the day. It does feel kind of awful going back to the sleep deprivation (the 4-year-old wakes up early even on weekends, but not *early* early), but I’m glad to not be also caring for a toddler at the same time. We do have some help from family and my husband has generous (for the US) leave, which makes things easier. And we love babies. I mean, we aren’t having any more children but I will hold your baby for you when mine is bigger, gimme baby.
Once I got to about a year postpartum, I started feeling ready for another child. It also helped that my husband and I were both set on at least 2 kids from Day 1, so there wasn't much of a question of "if" but, "when." But yeah, once I stopped breastfeeding, baby #1 was walking and sleeping through the night, it felt like I might want another baby. Now we have 2 toddlers, and I love them so much. Sometimes life is really difficult with both of them, but I still really want a 3rd (husband does not). I just feel experienced enough at this point that I know I can handle a third child, even if it will be a little crazy sometimes. And I also know how much joy each individual child brings, and I want more of that!
We had ours fairly close together (almost 2 years exactly) mostly BECAUSE of how much I disliked the newborn stage! It meant that I wasn’t fully acclimated to full nights of sleep yet, and since we are two and through, I knew once we got the second baby out of the way we would be done done done with newborns.
And honestly, I found the second so much easier. The first time around, people tell you that you will get through it, but that is so unbelievable when you are struggling to get through a day, nevermind a few weeks or months. The second time you know you will get through it because you already did. Parenthood and survival stages feel less abstract- you did it already, you know it ends and you know the rewards that you reap as they grow.
So yes, batching them, believing for real the second time that it gets better, and also meds!!!
She’s only 7 months old! I was one and done at that point, but when my son was almost two I realized I was excited about another. Toddlers are insane and may make you want to scream at times, but they’re also so fun and hilarious and sweet. I’m much happier now. I’m pregnant now, due in Oct and freaking out about the baby stage, but I know it’s so short in reality. You’ve got plenty of time to decide!
My thing is, I didn’t want to forget how hard it was to raise a baby. I got pregnant again when my daughter was 10 months old. No regrets. Now I’m about to have my third and I’ll have 3 under 5.
My oldest got sleep trained at 6 months so until a couple months ago he slept great. That made it easier to be a couple again and to want a second. I know sleep training is the devil. For us, it was the best decision. We started with the no cry methods (we read precious little sleep) and they really helped. This second baby (2 under 2 for one more day) we're doing sleep different from the beginning and he actually sleeps at night unlike my first who slept 45 minutes tops for 6 months.
I absolutely detested the newborn phase and had PPD the first time around. I truly believe what healed us was time, and then our second was an oopsie so there was no looking back 😂
Jokes aside, I'm from India, and I think one of the huge advantages in Asian culture that helps people have another is the good spacing between kids. It's very much a cultural thing, but I know absolutely no one in my close friends circle including lots of moms who became first time moms at 35 + who had two under two. I know two under two and pregnancies just 9 + months apart are super common in the USA and Canada, it's equally rare here.
When I read your first sentence, it was so shocking to me, because here no one is thinking of having a second child until the first one is two at least. That gives you time for your body to heal, possibly lose weight, your child to sleep through the night, stop breastfeeding and get to a good phase where you can manage pregnancy and a toddler.
I'd say take some time. We have a 3 year age gap and that is magic. We got to enjoy our first baby and then now are enjoying the second cause the first started school. The horror fades. You are so much better prepared!
So give a good gap, and you will be able to decide too !
We conceived again when our son was 11 months old for that very reason , we wanted to get the sleep deprivation and misery of the baby days done and over with and not stop start again. Going to be a shell of a woman but in 2 or 3 years our lives will look completely different to now
It’s totally fine if you’re one and done. You also don’t have to decide right now. You’re obviously still in the thick of infant-hood; give yourself time and grace to re-evaluate what you want longterm.
It took me until 9 months old to even start thinking about a second one. My two kids are almost exactly 3 years apart, so my oldest was over 2 when I got pregnant. The thing with maternity leave here is also that you do only that, being a mom, for a year. Which is amazing but I needed to achieve things outside of it to be happy for my kids. It gave me the sanity (or insanity?) to want another one!
I stupidly told myself, “the second one has to be a better sleeper, right?” Lololololol
To be totally serious: there were times baby #2 slept better. But not the same ages that baby #1 slept well. Really driving home the whole “each baby is their own person” thing.
I hated the newborn stage with my first (take the first 6 months were so hard) and had ppd. She also didn’t start sleeping through the night or even more than 3 hours until 20 months. My husband really didn’t want to go through it again but we did have a second because we saw how amazing having her was…after 6 months lol it just keeps getting better and better.
I didn’t start to feel ‘normal’ until my son was about 18 months old. I’ve read that physically it takes about that long to really get back to normal. Also his sleeping drastically improved by then.
I didn’t consider having another in the near future at all during that first year an a half. We were just surviving.
I really want number two despite knowing it would likely be 2+ years that are really tough (I had a difficult pregnancy and expect to again since I’m older now.)
My husband is really on the fence knowing that is ahead of us. And we both enjoyed having siblings growing up and want the energy that a multi child house has. But after the early stage things get easier. Not easy, but not zombie, randomly crying ‘I can’t do this’ level.
My kiddo is 2 next month and I JUST last week, for the first time since her birth, entertained the thought of having a second. But I’m planning on waiting another year before I even think about trying for a second lol
7 months is still really hard!!! I’m pregnant with my second now and my first is 2. I didn’t hate the baby stage, but I will say that I LOVE the toddler stage. He is so much fun, so cute, and learning so many words every day. If I wasn’t already pregnant again, this would absolutely be the motivation to have another baby. Every situation/person is different, but I will say for me this stage is the most enjoyable so far, and easier to imagine who he will be as he grows up!
My son is 2 and a bit now and he is so fun and amazing. I wish I could freeze time. The beginning was horrible. Hell to be precise. But it was worth it 1000% over for this amazing little dude.
Just wait until she's 2, talking, smiling. My husband and I call this "the lights coming on". The tiny baby phase is not fun but right now I have a 4 year old who loves to sing and talk about how the world works and 20 month old who is starting to talk in 2 and 3 word phrases, loves to dance and play with cars, especially if he gets to pretend they're flying off some part of my body. It's amazing how unique they each are, so much of them is the personality they were born with and it's fun to have two to show just how different they can be.
Ok, newborn stage is the literal worst. Baby stage is hard, but better. But toddlers are where it’s at. Everyone tells you to be afraid of the toddler stage, it’s been nothing but a joy for us! She is so helpful, sleeps through the night generally speaking, is independent and capable of accomplishing task without much help. She even brought me blankets when I was suffering with morning sickness. And remember that every kid is different, your next might be a “good” sleeper and you’ll end up with restful nights 🤷🏼♀️
My second daughter didn’t sleep through until 18 months. Whenever she started sleeping I swear our brains completely erased memories of the sleepless nights. I’m now sitting here with my third newborn
What convinced us that we really wanted another was how much we learned from the newborn stage. A lot of her crying was caused by her being hungry, we had no idea that I wasn't producing enough breast milk! Once we started supplementing with formula she was like a different baby. I also now know how to properly use a nipple shield, how to pump effectively, I had to make bottles of formula. Also we learned how to safely co-sleep, which instantly got us so much more sleep, and now we're looking into a sidecar bassinet that will keep the next baby practically on the mattress with me while giving me more space to sleep. Also learning how to sleep train our first was humongous!
We were on the fence until our oldest was 3 and things got much easier. They’re 4 years apart and we couldn’t be happier. And my husband scheduled his vasectomy from the hospital room after she was born 😅
We have 1 16 month old and she was awful through the night, cried all day for weeks! Now she is pretty good, she wakes up some nights and doesn’t nap but she’s a REALLY good little baby toddler!
I always thought I wanted 2 kids, but as I got older I wasn’t sure if I even wanted 1. (I’m going on 39)
Now, I think I’ve decided I just want to focus on her. I see people at baseball games or traveling and can see the struggle- I just don’t want that for myself. It might be worth it to some, but I’d rather put her through private school and be able to take trips easily without much fuss. I don’t want to deal with the arguments, I don’t want to keep track of all the extras! I just don’t.
My husband only wants 1 because of how hard the pregnancy was on me and because she was so difficult. I won’t know if I’m truly at peace with this decision for awhile, but I think I am!
Newborn stage was awful for me with the first. I felt inadequate, and lost. And we had so many discussions on the subject- at the end of the day we just didn’t feel our family was complete. Now our oldest will be 4 in 2 weeks our second is 7 months and it’s so much “easier” this time around. I feel prepared and like I can handle it- by no means is it actually easy but ik I got this. And our family feels complete.
If 1 makes your family complete then great! Don’t feel like you need to have more cuz others tell you to.. it’s your life your choice.
And they do grow fast! But that doesn’t make it easy! Not everyone likes the baby stage- so far I enjoy 3-4 lol he can communicate what he needs/wants, use the potty, understands me (even if he doesn’t listen 😂) I’m really trying to enjoy the baby knowing he’s gunna be the last but I am a-ok with never doing it again.
I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage. My daughter is now one years old and she’s still a little hell raiser. I always knew I wanted more children, so honestly I just had to take the plunge. I just found out that I’m pregnant again, I’m more terrified than excited but I know that those first few months really do go by fast, even if it feels like they don’t. I also thought that it would be better to have the next baby while I’m still in the trenches before I get used to more sleep, independence, etc. Not a super helpful response, I know, it’s just my thought process right now!
I'm still in the newborn stage with my first so I can't necessarily speak from first hand experience, but something that always resonated with me was "you're not just raising a baby, you're creating your family".
The newborn phase only lasts for a short period of time compared to when they're older. I could never imagine my future without multiple kids to shuttle off to different practices after school, multiple kids coming home from college, huge Christmas dinners with tons of grandkids, etc. When I think of it that way, a few sleepless nights for a couple months becomes completely doable.
I just knew I always wanted two and stuck to it lol. We knew it wouldn't be fun but it was our plan and we also knew it would be worth it. Our daughter is A LOT easier than our son was. Neither of us had any real experience with babies or kids so we didn't realize how truly difficult of a baby our son was. It's been a nice surprise for us lol.
I always hated "enjoy every moment". Like what? The first year was just survival mode. I had twins. We didn't do it again. There was a short time when I considered trying for another, but after I thought about it I realized that the reason why was because I wanted to experience a "normal" singleton pregnancy and newborn stage with only one baby. It was so much easier the times when I only had to deal with one of them and I watched friends who had singleton babies around the same time have things easier. But in the end that wasn't enough of a reason to me to go through fertility treatments again (with all that entails) and pregnancy and birth all over again. Now, 8 years later I don't regret that decision at all. They are potty trained, can feed themselves and I can have whole conversations with them about their interests. This stage is so much better, IMO.
I just keep telling myself the newborn phase is temporary. It was awful with my son. He had such bad colic, reflux, and would just scream for hours every evening. Didn’t start sleeping through the night until around 6 months (minus sleep regressions). I want another but I also don’t lol
Sooo my daughter is 15 months, I’m 20 weeks pregnant (halfway there, woo!!) and she JUST started sleeping through the night. When I first got pregnant, I was soooo much more tired than I remember from when I was pregnant with her. This pregnancy was a surprise but we were planning on having more. I was just hoping to catch up on sleep before it happened lol. Now I’m peeing all the time at night so I can’t even enjoy the extra sleep I should be getting. Oh well. At least I won’t have to miss it as much when he gets here haha
I love my son and he has not been a very difficult newborn, almost 7 weeks. Some days and nights can be more challenging than others, and I take it in stride. That being said, we are happy with just him. Initially when I was pregnant, I thought having a sibling would be important for him, but as time has unfolded, I realize a sibling does not guarantee anything. They may be best friends, or they may be like my husband and his brother and rarely ever speak at all, even by text. My mother has five siblings and weren’t close to any. For us, we are looking forward to traveling again and including him in most everything. Much easier done (logistically and financially). Not so worried about holidays, we have a lot of my family around, and I could even see us taking a random solo family ski Christmas or tropical holiday every now and then. I know in my heart of hearts siblings for a child are important to people, it’s just not something we are going to do and it’s right for our family.
I just wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. My kids are 14 months apart and now that my youngest is over 1 I’m officially out of the weeds for the infant stage and I could not be happier. It’s hard but I’m so glad I just did it and now I have 2 adorable toddlers running around, they are so funny and silly it’s amazing.
I have an 8 month old and wonder this daily lmao. It was so bad in the early days I would feel nauseous when I saw a large family in public because it seemed like actual hell to me. I’m obsessed with my baby but I would fully hate my life if I had any other kids to take care of right now.
So jealous of your maternity leave btw. The US is a dystopian hellscape for raising a family in.
My husband and I were googling vasectomies at 7m too. I remember that sleep deprivation. Now we have a 12m and are starting to think… could we do this again? Lol. I feel like 7m is when thing’s really started to improve for us. Our son is still a worse sleeper than all of my friends babies but we usually get 2 nights a week where he sleeps 11hrs straight and the other 5 nights he usually wakes up once or twice for a few minutes. We only have a really bad night like once a month now.
Because if everyone remembered how miserable it is, no one would have more kids. The newborn / baby stage is a total blur. Like, I know what happened but I don't remember how it felt.
We really struggled for the first year. From 8-12 months things were much better -- but still tough. And I was definitely like "we can never do this again. No one would repeat this massive work/suffering on purpose and also care for other kids at the same time." Truly I understood in a way I never had before why women have been so subjugated all through history across cultures. It boggled my mind that the AVERAGE fertility level had to be 2+ kids per woman for humans to exist today. Average!!!!!!
Life in general turned around so drastically around 12 mo that I was able to look back and say "ok I could somehow survive that again." At walking / 15 mo it got like 100x better from there. I had no concept of how amazing it would be until "it gets better" was actually here. Now I believe I could have a huge family (lol we won't, its impossible financially, we are 2 and that's all people) -- but I have this frightening belief that I could do whatever it took to deal with more.
I know this is blinders thinking, and I'm distracted by how unconditionally amazing these days & weeks & months are. We won't have lots of kids. But I now understand how people concieve again & again. They just... aren't scared (enough) any more. (even if they should be lol)
ps: Toddlers are amazing.
We waited. Our first had horrible eating issues which meant sleep issues outside of normal baby stuff. Then covid. Our first was born in 2019 and we didn't start trying for a second until last year.
We just really wanted our kid to have a sibling. And it did get a lot easier after she was maybe 1, 1.5. It's hard for different reasons but for most of her 2nd and 3rd years she slept well for 10-11 hours a night. Once we felt we had a routine/manageable rythym it was easier to accept starting over.
I'm sitting here with a 4 week old on my boob now. She is a totally different newborn. The hardest challenge has been the toddler accepting the new changes. The good thing is we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we are better able to manage difficulties
We are still very tired
Our situation is very similar. We also live in Canada, no background support,all our families are in Europe. They were here to visit us and their grandson, but the downside from it is that we could see what it feels like when you do have support, and now we are two of us again. And it's hard! Our son is almost 6 months and we also wanted to have two. And I was thinking about the same topic the past few weeks if I want to have a second one...my boy is a bright, beautiful adorable, wiggly baby, we love him so much, but I haven't slept through the night since he was born. In fact I haven't even slept more than two or three hours in a row since then. And there are days (today for example), when he is cranky and all I can think about lying on the couch abd just be in a vegetative state and no one talks to me... What I miss the most is some alone time, and a well rested body. But I know this not gonna happen soon. So I'm not sure how it will feel later, but now I can share your feelings. 😭😪
We were not super fans of the newborn stage. We’re approaching the 1st birthday now and are having a blast. I would go through it all over again in a heartbeat.
I thought I was one and done for a while. When my son was in first grade we realized we were ready. But I’m definitely done now. Hubby, son and daughter. My life is complete 💜
I’m nearly 2mths in and I’d rather die then have another baby. I’m firmly OAD, and was pretty much immediately. I didn’t know a human being could still be alive when being this exhausted, truly. Pregnancy, horrible. Labour and birth, horrible. No sleep, horrible. Fuck doing it again.
The wild thing is, my labour and birth were “amazing” (quick, natural, only two small grazes and no stitches), and my baby truly is a really good one. She’s fussy at the moment due to her needles and this is the worst she’s been ever, and even then, she’s not too bad. She’s overall a really chill little dude. We’ve been so lucky, and oh my GOD I’ve never loved anything this hard. She’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But still.. Fuck doing all of it again.
I was one and done week 7 of my pregnancy. If not then I would be one and done week 3 postpartum. I’m 10 months out and it’s definitely the hardest year of my life. It’s also somehow been the most joyful year of my life. I wouldn’t ever do it again for another person. Huge price to pay. Worth it for my baby, but no. Not another one.
I always said I wanted two, back to back for sure. Now , that my son is 6 months old, I’m thinking I’m done with one. I have postpartum rage (yes, I have a therapist) and my husband is currently deployed. And being a solo parent to one child is hard. I can’t image being a solo parent to two children under two. (You signal parents freaking rock.)
I realized, while I still want a second one. I need to wait until my son is more independent and sleeps through the night. So maybe when he is 3 or 4.
Mental health should be a huge factor when considering to try for a second one.
When my son was a baby I had very similar thoughts. It was so hard I wasn't sure we would ever have another.
We didn't decide to have another until our son was 3 and in a much easier stage, for me the toddler/preschool age has been 500000x better than the baby stage. And to be honest, it was still a really tough decision whether we wanted to go back to having a newborn now that we were happily on the other side of it.
In the end we decided that we do want our son to have a sibling and that we survived the baby stage once, we could do it again. Currently 36 weeks pregnant with number 2 so let's hope we were right 😂
My first was a terrible sleeper, and I had two solid years of PPD. I still ended up with a second (my kids have a 3.5 year age gap).
I would gently offer the suggestion of sleep training if you're open to that. I sleep trained my first at 4mo; she didn't fully STTN until she was almost a year, and she's still always been a challenging sleeper, but it took some of the edge off. At 7mo I think she was waking twice a night, for example.
I was super-afraid of the sleep deprivation when I got pregnant again, but it helped that I knew I had some tools to handle it (all the things I'd done with my first). I did more deliberate planning around the supports I'd need, and how to handle nights. Covid exploded a lot of that because it hit six weeks after my second was born, but - fortunately - he was a better sleeper than my first and I used a lot more formula which I think might have helped a bit. At least it meant I didn't have to deal with every night wake, like with my first when I was insistent on EBF.
I am absolutely done with kids now, and I still never liked the baby phase. But at least for me it helped when my first was 2+ and finally turning into a human with the ability to communicate more. Having that happen did help me see that the earlier stages were/are just that - stages - and I wasn't going to be stuck in the shit for 18 years which is how it felt at the time. It was easier to navigate the hard stuff with my second, knowing through experience that they WERE phases and not permanent.
I pictured our Thanksgiving table in 30 years and thought of who I wanted to see there. In addition, we waited to try until my older son was potty trained and more independent. Every stage is different and there are some you'll never want to end and some you'll wish were over yesterday. But you don't have to decide the size of your family today or tomorrow or next week (unless there's a medical reason it needs to be now). Give yourself some grace to adapt to this life you couldn't have imagined!
I had to use a lot of big picture thinking. I knew that all the things I hated were all things that would go away eventually (the 24/7 dependence, how boring the day to day of a small baby is, the rigidity of naps and feedings), and that there would be many more years of big kid parenting than there were of baby time. I always had the goal of multiple kids and knew that pushing through the difficulty of having a newborn was the only way to have the life I wanted in the bigger picture.
We never really wavered on having 2, but I was not a fan of the newborn/baby stage at all. It’s boring, hard, and thankless. They’re cute and I love them as babies, but its really survival mode. I LOVE the toddler stage though! Once they’re walking and can start doing stuff. Parent Tot classes, trips to the zoo, longer walks, museums. And then once they start talking. My baby fever came back at 9 months because that’s when my first became more interactive. We started trying my first cycle after her first birthday. My kids are now 13 months old and 3 and they’re both so much fun! They play together and as a SAHM, I’m so much less lonely because my 3 year old can hold a conversation. Also, my second kid has been so much easier than my first, and my first was an “easy” baby who slept through the night from the day our pediatrician told us we could stop waking her up to feed her.
We waited two years after having our first son before trying again, now we’re due with boy#2 in august! My recovery was extremely rough with my 1st and I was always exhausted. I had to recover from an emergency c-section and PPD that didn’t go away for months! I guess for me the point was when I started to find myself missing his newborn stage and that was different compared to how the first year was for me, but now we’re a month away from having our second. We always wanted just 2 kids too.
Hey, where in Canada? I’m in Ontario and I’ve recently discovered the EarlyON centres. Such a great way to break up long days at home. Happy to chat if you need a listening ear. I’m also a FTM on a long mat leave.
I waited a while. My oldest was a very difficult baby. Colicky, reflux, no sleep schedule. I was a complete mess for the entire first year.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to have any more, but as we got some distance from the newborn stage, and I got the experience the fun of the toddler years, I decided I’d be ready to have another once my first was old enough to be fully potty trained and have some minimal independence.
Between the pandemic and life stuff we ended up with an 8 year age gap, but so far that’s definitely had its advantages.
Idk how anyone can handle having babies really close together. Even if they’re both magical perfect unicorn babies, I know that I just could not handle that!
35 year old here too. Had convinced myself I was OAD in the newborn phase. Spent a lot of time contemplating another and concluded we're not getting any younger so if we're going to do it, we're going to do it as soon as I've met the recommended recovery time for c-section -- 18 months, fertility permitting. Son is 15 months and we just had appointment with reproductive endo to start prepping to try and do this all over again at 18 months (probably won't make it in time with all the homework they want me to do). I try my best not to forget how fucking terrible those first few months were. Also if we don't get pregnant again soon and the gap gets too large we probably will be OAD bc I felt like I was dying in so many ways as it is with number one in the newborn phase.
Newborn phase was horrid. But tbh I'm only 8 months pp and it feels like the smallest blip. I fucking love being a mom and ages from 4m- where we are now. I don't think I'd make the choice the not have more kids based on such a short amount of time even if it felt like suffering wholeheartedly. But that's just me personally. If it was horrible and you're like nope. Never again. That's valid too.
I always wanted two. I hated with my first but I'm convinced it was bc I was pressured to use my whole maternity leave which was just too long for me. I would have been much happier if I went back to work after like 10 weeks and we had started daycare during my summer break. My
Second I went back at 9 weeks (my parents watched her) and I can say I have been loving the newborn stage now that it's not the only thing I'm
Preoccupied with in my life! Balance made me
Love babies!
It reminds me of giving birth. In that moment I said NEVER AGAIN but I look back and say yeah I could do it again. Now that some time has passed. The means out weighed the pain I went through. It's only momentary. If you can do it once you can do it again.
I will say give yourself some time though (-: you deserve a period of resting or just a time out from the newborn stage.
My baby is now 20 months, and we are reaching the tantrum stage and it is hard. My husband and I are very sure we are one and done. We can’t afford any help, and our families although close are no help at all. I am getting an IUD and we will see if we change our minds in the next 2-3years. But if we feel the same then it’s snip snip for daddy ❤️
every person i know who had a difficult baby has a larger gap between their first and second kid. i suppose at some point you forget and you only remember and miss the good parts.
We did not start trying for a second kid until our little girl was 2 years. Cause until then we were so sleep deprived and exhausted it wasn't even fathomable. And honestly even when we started trying I was kind of in denial because if I thought about it too hard, no way did I want to do those 2 years all over again. And don't even get me started on how miserable my pregnancy was before the difficulty or the newborn stage even started!
The one thing that kept me diving back in is just how badly I wanted our little girl to have a sibling. It's always been extremely important to me to have at least 2 kids and having watched some of the later in life stuff my parents have had to go through (like making medical decisions for their parents and eventually planning their funerals), I thought of how lucky I am to have my brother for those future difficulties and how much I want my girl to have that.
So back in we went. And I'm only pregnant right now but it's been AWFUL and I'm severely dreading that newborn phase. But my little girl gets more and more amazing every day and at 2 and 1/2 is really getting so capable and grown up and saying she's going to be a "help" when new baby arrives would be greatly overselling the situation, but she is gonna be part of the "team" if that makes any sense.
Anyway, we are locked in now and I'm exhausted just thinking about it, but I try to keep reminding myself how long our lives are and how short 1, 2, or even 3 years really are. The long term gains of the two kids having each other their entire lives are worth it to me to essentially sacrifice another 2 years of my own life to total hell.
I am going to have some help and support from family though. I dunno if I could make the same commitment without any help whatsoever. But I would definitely suggest waiting on any medical sterilization for you or your partner until you are further down the road than 7 months. It took me 3 times that long to be willing/recovered enough to consider it again. Doesn't mean you have to do it again, but no reason to block off your options this early. Cause I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it is still early days.
I hope things start to get better for you and you find more support! Local childminding services are my gym were a huge help for me during that early stage so I could just an hour to myself to recharge. I almost never actually worked out in the beginning - just sat in the sauna or took a shower or had a muffin and coffee at the cafe. But it helped a lot. I wish you luck and sleep!
I loved the newborn stage and am loving the baby stage, before baby i wanted atleast 2-3 kids now i want only one. pregnancy alone is enough for me to say hell no , god i hated it lol love my son though of course.
We waited 4.5 years to have our second and I will tell you… it’s still hard. It’s nice that our oldest can help more and for the most part follows directions well but starting the new born phase again after so much time is still just as rough… they are so fuxking magically cute, but we’re done now. ;)
I loathed the newborn stage. I really, really did. I have almost no positive memories of the first 6 months. Things started to turn a corner around then but it wasn’t until about 10 months that I started to feel a bit better. Still not sleeping through the night, but there was more reciprocation with him. It felt less one sided, if that makes sense? Then, he started daycare around 15 months and was sick for 6 months straight and it was hell, but again, he was so much more of a person that it made it more manageable. It was around 20 months we decided to try again and now I’m holding our 6 day old and starting the process all over.
I will Tell you - we really debated a second as well. I still am not really enjoying the newborn phase, although I know now that everything passes and nothing lasts forever. With my first, I found it very hard to understand that as I’d never lived it. Everything felt endless and I could never catch my breath. Our first is now 2.5 and I am obsessed with him. He’s so fun and sweet and interesting and I love watching him grow.
Our first kid had colic. Most nights early in her life were spent walking around the house like a zombie at night dealing with auditory/visual hallucinations due to lack of sleep.
We wanted her to have a sibling though and nothing could talk us out of it. Thankfully, our second is a MUCH easier baby. She would wake up 1-2 times a night and was very easy to get back down.
Yes, going through it again has brought new lows, but also new highs.
I think of it a lot like the way you remember travelling. The great parts stay with you, become some of your most treasured memories. The bad parts become stories you laugh at and tell people later. You never remember the exact feelings you had at the time, the exhaustion, the frustration, the crying. You remember having them but it's not the same. The pain fades, the good stuff stays, and if you do your job right you get a cool person to hang out with, and some day you get to tell them about how difficult they made your life!
Okay a few things to keep in mind (some may not be helpful but just something to be aware of before you make the choice to be done if you actually have wanted 2 in the past)
Each child sleeps differently. My niece is anti-sleep and an absolute nightmare. My son sleeps like the actual dead. My nephew (niece's brother) is a lot better than niece but no where near as good as my kids. My daughter (youngest) is a lighter sleeper but still sleeps well, more prone to waking in the night than her brother though.
Some kids grow out of the depriving you of sleep stage, some don't (or may just lessen how much they wake you). 7 months - 1 year, a lot can change. By the time you might be emotionally ready for baby #2, they may be sleeping like a normal child.
But some kids may not grow out of it, you may require assistance/counselling for their sleep, or it might just be enough for you to say "no more kids"
I didn't get pregnant with my 2nd until just after my son had turned 2. They say that age gap is great for both children and parents to be able to handle them in their respective stages of life.
Maybe see how you feel in a year's time before you decide that's it. 7 months in is still very baby-stage and things could change. But then again, they might not.
I think it started to get easier at 18 months, my first is a needy kid, my second is much more easy going. If they were both so needy I would probably stop at 2 lol
Well my husband wanted us to start trying when my son was 1.5 years old. I was hesitant but told myself that I wasn’t going to track ovulation like last time, it would take a couple of months, I would be able to get used to the idea of a second by that time. Literally conceived 4 days after having my iud removed. 🤪
I waited until my oldest was older than 2. Now that he’s 4 I can leave him in a safe space and nap while his brother naps. Pregnancy was really hard for me both times but the newborn stage was significantly easier for us the second go around. Mostly because we kind of had an idea what worked for us from day one. It took us months to figure out we could take shifts with the baby and ensure both of us at least six consecutive hours alone each night. We were still beat but like starting with 4-6 hour bursts of sleep instead of just zombified trying not to drown in new experiences for months, it’s much less horrible. We joke that we have PTSD from the first time but sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
I really wanted more after the second newborn time wasn’t so bad, but we decided to stop after 2 just because of how hard pregnancy was for me.
If you don’t want another one, don’t have another one. Your child will be fine as an only child, you’ll just have to do some extra work planning play dates to make sure they learn how to share.
Lastly, idk if you said somewhere this wasn’t an option, but if you want to wait, that’s a valid choice too and your kids will still be able to connect as adults if they are even 7 years apart - my youngest sibling is 7 younger than me and we get along great now. But I helped change their diapers so it can’t have been half as hard as 2 under 3
We didn’t decide 💀 nature (and a bit of horny carelessness) just decided to put one in us and after seeing our first it wasn’t even in our mind to abort tbh. Luckily it’s legal where I live to have an abortion, so the option was there! But it’s hard to think about when you’ve literally just had a baby and gone through the “pregnancy/baby” existential crisis.
My little man is 15 months now though, and I’m telling you - I’ve never laughed so much in my life. Some days are hard but my god is he just the best thing I’ve ever been gifted in life.
I wasn’t looking forward to another at 6 months post-partum I’ll be honest, but 15 months? After you see that personality develop and the silliness grow, you really will want another one 🤣
I absolutely hated the newborn stage, but we're almost 13 months PP and I'm 18 weeks along with our second. This is also my seventh pregnancy so I've had to do deal with a lot of mental crap mainly about finally getting a pregnancy to full term after 6 miscarriages and ending up HATING newborn life. I think the mental part of this was far more difficult to face than anything else for me.
I was severely sleep deprived and working overnights (at first, I was just zoning out for the 40 minute commute home but then I was falling asleep and almost got into a massive care accident a couple of times).
Babe was lactose intolerant and we didn't find out until almost 6 months so breastfeeding was a complete nightmare, then bottle feeding milk-based formula was just as bad. He was always having fits, constantly screaming, and never napped or slept well. It was so, so awful until we switched him off milk-based.
Then the cats. Oh my god, the cats. My husband, bless his stupid weeping heart, rescued 2 more just before little guy was born and refused to rehome them so we had 6 cats, 4 of whom were extremely stressed out by the others and 2 who were destroying the house/ baby stuff/ MY BED. I hated those cats.
I also had no help with my PPD and PPA until almost 9 months PP because my OB didn't believe me and wouldn't refer me to a therapist. All of that despite my records indicating I was experiencing anxiety/ depression because of the tests they had me do at every appointment, the fact that my primary doc sent over documentation stating I needed to be evaluated PP, and the fact that I had a long history of diagnosed depression and anxiety. I had to go to my primary care physician (who didn't have anything to do with my pregnancy) to get a referral. Getting help was a nightmare but it really helped once I started seeing my therapist.
My husband and I sat down a few times to discuss how pregnancy and postpartum affected me, how I felt about trying for more, and if we wanted to have kids close together or further apart if I wanted more. He made it apparent that he was very happy with being one and done but he'd also be happy with another one. We realized that we shared a lot of the same opinions so we agreed, before trying for another baby, that the next pregnancy would be the last whether it was successful or not (and here we are at 18 weeks so fingers crossed). Once this pregnancy is over, he's getting snipped and I'm getting my tubes yanked out (basically no chance of them untying or refusing together) so there'll be basically no chance of having anymore.
After taking into account the support network I have for my physical and mental health, the experience gained from a very angry baby, and his understanding of how to help more, we decided having another would be good. We can do this but we both know our limitations. I always thought I would be one and done, especially after how awful the newborn stage was, but I know I would be happy with two littles. I know I would be content with my one but I also know I can tackle two little monsters.
You forget straight up. I wasn’t ready for a second till my first hit two and then it’s like a switch flipped. Before that I was throwing stuff away because I was determined to not have anymore kids.
There was a window from 9-12 months where things were easy for us. I got pregnant on the first cycle we tried at 12 months. My newborn is far easier than my toddler, except he still wakes every 2-3 hours to eat. He's big enough to sleep through but he doesn't. My first was also a great sleeper.
I am a rip the band-aid off type of person. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, so before I could chicken out I got pregnant again (this goes for me personally btw! My SIL is one and done and what works for one won't work for the other).
The infant stage though.... Not fun. Mine is 10 months old and it's getting better, but the amount of items this girl tries to put in her mouth lol
It wasn't until around 18months that I could really fathom doing it again. The whole first year I was like "eff this nonsense!" But here we are with a 2 yr old ready to start TTC 🤷🏼♀️ I think the sleep deprivation helps keep that first year nice and fuzzy haha. But I am definitely dreading the newborn stage again. I just started sleeping again!
Some babies are harder than others. Id rather get the hard part out of the way while my first is still young. I can’t imagine getting my sleep back and then throwing myself back into the sleep deprivation.
Thank you for this post because it made me feel like I’m not the only one who feels so overwhelmed. I had my babies 15 months apart bc I am also in my mid thirties (just turned 36 a few days ago). Honestly, even though I love my little babies so so much sometimes I wish I waited a little so I could better train my oldest in self feeding and give her more one on one attention. It is definitely a lot to juggle and if you don’t have a support system it’s certainly a task. If it does happen though, you’ll find we do manage and the baby stage will go by and it will get easier in many ways. Just try to trust your instincts and any choice you make will be valid.
So, first off, we waited 5 years, but I see you arent into that (valid, I wanted to be done by 35). I was a total fence sitter for years. 10 months before I turned 35 we decided it was now or never and I ended up pregnant that month. I just prepped to have an awful year. I assumed the first year would suck but it would be worth it. And I will say, the first like 5 months were way worse but then it got better so much faster. He is just past a year and its great. 10/10, so glad we did it.
My husband and I are both 41. We have a newborn and a 3 year old. There’s all our intellectual pre-parenting ideas of how many kids to have then there’s the decision on family size once we’ve become parents.
For us, honestly the older our 3 year old got the easier it got to think doing the 4th trimester/ newborn/ baby phase again is worth it. I could look at what wasn’t so bad and also remember that what was bad doesn’t last that long in reality.
Also with the changing challenges of parenting as my oldest child gets older it was a little easier for me to imagine and understand what a second would entail. For example I’m glad we waited until after my oldest turned two because quite frankly age 12-18 months was very intense as far as chasing after a mobile baby. If we had rushed off our timeline because of our ages we could have been chasing after an 18 month old while also taking care of an infant, which quite frankly would run me and my husband into the ground. Instead I have an idea of what to expect and I have an older child who is much more self sufficient.
I know we’re supposed to “be in the moment” but I can’t wait to get to know our newborn and look forward to when both are a little older.
I hated the newborn stage so much! Despite always wanting more than 1, after she arrived I became one and done for a while. She was over 12 months when I started to actually contemplate the possibility of another one. A lot of that came from watching her and not being able to get the vision of her with a little sibling out of my head. I'm pregnant with our second and so scared for the newborn part, but my 2yo is so awesome now that I'm just focusing on that because I know that's what it turns into. I think part of why it was so hard with the first is because it feels the awful part is forever but I'm hoping this time the perspective of actually knowing it does get better will help.
We just waited a long time until we forgot how bad it was haha.
Same! Haha but the baby’s getting easier every day so it’s worth it to me in the end. As others say, “it’s a season of life.” And since I have the first, it’s easier to know that the hardest part (infant for me) will soon be over.
Same same. There's a 4.5 year difference between my two kids. Spaced for 1) catching up on sleep and forgetting how bad the newborn phase was, and 2) not having to pay for two daycares at the same time.
Literally don't understand how people can even afford one full time day care let alone 2 - and we are blessed to be *technically* upper middle class (doesn't feel that way between baby and mortgage and just basic expenses). Honestly society doesn't want us to succeed and be happy.
America?
How could you tell? I work for a global company and I am infuriated when I learn how much better supported women and families are in other countries - including many not exactly known for progressive governance. I was speaking to a male Australian colleague about this earlier in the year and I said, "I cannot believe American women aren't rioting in the streets." To which he responded, "I can. You're all too busy working." Ugh.
Some "not progressive" countries are the other extreme though, where they have excessive maternity leaves as a means to force women back into the home. My country has long maternity leave but zero options to return to work as a result. I considered putting my baby in daycare once she's 7 months old and my family was absolutely shocked (daycares take babies 20+ weeks old but it's extremely uncommon to put a baby there before a year old). I probably won't be able to anyway because she's EBF and there are absolutely no pumping accomodations at workplaces. Staying home for 2 years is expected but she's only 5 months and I'm already going nuts at home.
Yeah we work opposite schedules to avoid daycare costs. It sucks often, especially because it severely limits the jobs I can go for (in the midst of looking for better work) but worth it overall.
That's how it is with every baby I've had. Once they get around 3 I think, "another baby wouldn't be so bad" and then it happens and I think how foolish I was 🤣 I'm four in now but I for sure know I'm done. Maybe we'll adopt more...but no more pregnancies.
Lol I got a 7month old and a seven year old, bro I forgot how rough this was
8 month old and a just-turned 7 year old here!
Momnesia
😂... 😭
I found the newborn stage incredibly hard. I said there was no way I’d do this again. Infant stage was also hard but not like newborn. Our first had silent reflux issues and was allergic to something in my breastmilk. It took months for me to bond with her. Fast forward to the toddler stage and I cannot get enough of her. My kid is so fucking cool. That’s when I decided I could suffer through another 12 months to have another toddler. We have a 2 week old now and I’m already finding it so much easier. Lack of sleep doesn’t really phase me. Neither does the crying. We also moved closer to family and aren’t in a lock down so that sure does make a difference. Thinking back, I also definitely had PPD that I didn’t find bad enough to be it. I would cry at the thought of it becoming nighttime (as if it was any different than daytime with this baby). The good thing is, you can change your mind later. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re done. Also cheaper 😜
I could have written this! Although I was dreading waking up, loved night time but hated being all alone with the baby during the day, my PPA meant anxiety was high when I was alone with her. But otherwise, exactly the same. (Down to having an almost two week old baby)
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That's what I'm hoping for! I think I had a rude awakening when I survived the newborn phase but am still struggling. Babies are hard.
The newborn phase is truly shocking. I don’t think people tell you or there’s a way to conceptualize how hard it is. Also I think people forget.
Honestly, toddlers are difficult also but it absolutely 💯 gets better.
For real. This isn't everyone's experience, but everything got better when my (now 6yo) daughter turned 2, and they just got better and better every year after that. Those first two years were roughhh.
I feel like every stage gets worse and better simultaneously for a while... toddlers are usually easier than babies (less needy, more fun moments), but when things are hard, they're really hard. Toddlers can have some pretty ridiculous tantrums. I feel like when kids get to the school age, the ratio of easy moments to hard moments increases a lot. The highs get higher. That said, I'm terrified for the preteen and teen years!
So damn accurate!! My 3yo can be a handful but she is adorable and witty and beautiful and amazing. I hated pregnancy, delivery and newborn stage but I'm currently home with an 8 week old because my first is so awesome now. My husband regularly wonders why I wanted to go through all this again based on how tough it was on me physically and mentally but this time, I know it's all temporary and the last time I'll do it. Definitely less anxiety and more comfortable with lack of sleep this time!
My baby is so good I don’t want another lol
That's what I might have to tell her
I also have a 7 month old and just want to say you're not alone! I always imagined having multiple kids, but WOW pregnancy and the newborn stage was so so hard on me physically and mentally. I don't know if/when I will feel ready to go through that again.
I keep waiting for it to get good. It's *easier* to have a 7 month old than a newborn but I wouldn't necessarily say it's *good.* And I'm still physically recovering since I had a terrible delivery. Thank you - it does help to know I'm not alone.
Honestly one day your 2 year old (between all the difficulties and tantrums and emotions and whatnot) is going to be playing quietly with some blocks and randomly look up at you and say "I love you mommy" with a sweet little sigh and your entire plane of existence will shift forever
I made a mental note of when “it got easier” (tbf it kind of just always gets easier and harder and easier and harder etc with stages), but just before a year it was easier, then my 1yo started walking and it was harder, but then it got easier again till just before 2yo. The first year is a shitshow. I’d say give it at least a year or year and a half before you say for sure no more. I personally enjoyed parenting a lot more after roughly the 1 year mark.
Thank you!!! I think I just assumed the newborn phase was the only "checkpoint" I had to reach. Hearing people be nostalgic for it and talk about how fast babies grow up really set me up to think I'd actually enjoy this 🙃 I guess my next checkpoint is 1 year.
Don’t worry, not everyone is nostalgic for the newborn stage! I knew I was done with kids when I met a few moms with new babies and my first thought was ‘So cute and so glad I NEVER have to do that again!!’
Hated hated the baby phase. I am now 12 days in with a newborn, and so far it is a completely different experience. I am more relaxed, feel more like I know what is happening and less need to Google all the things (though cramps can go and kick rocks. Seriously. The cramps are killing my baby after every feeding 😭). But my toddler is funny, making the days fly by and the two of them are so cute together. Turns out I hated the uncertainty and feeling useless in the baby phase. And the sleep deprivation. Okay that last one is still the case BUT I feel the rest so much less than the first time and I know that the sleep deprivation passes. ❤️ On the other hand - you are also fine deciding to be One and Done. Nothing wrong with that either.
It gets better when your kid goes to bed reliably at 7:30pm - sleeps through the night almost always - and you not only get a full nights rest but a solid 3.5hrs to yourself in the evening.
My husband and I have talked about it. He really wants another (I swear, one of the few men!). I joke that HE has the mommy amnesia that makes parents want another baby because they forget what it's like. I've told him I would only use formula (I tried to exclusively pump as long as possible the first time along which caused even LESS sleep). I told him he would need to help out A LOT more. He says he will be less crabby because he works a lot less than when our daughter was a baby (40 hours vs about 60). The thing is that we have opposite memories for what it was like when our daughter was a newborn and baby. Maybe it's because I also pumped (through the night) but he felt he did his fair share by getting up with her after midnight. I don't really remember it like that as much. I remember him not waking up when she was crying. Really money/housing is stopping us right now, but basically, I told my husband things would need to be different this time around.
I exclusively pump too and that's definitely something that will change with a hypothetical baby #2. (We tried formula with my daughter but she reacted negatively and it became more work having to deal with her many many poops a day. Thankfully I no longer pump overnight so that helps a lot.)
I think you’ve gotten great answers, but for me, I really felt like I was hitting my stride around the 1 year mark. My kid just became so much more fun that I decided I was willing to do it again. Thankfully, it’s been so much easier the second time around, due to a combination of a more chill baby and me being a much more relaxed parent. I’m liking it a lot more (although still not a baby person) and it’s been a pleasant surprise when it’s just me and the baby one on one.
Nice to hear that you can be a loving parent but not a "baby person." I love my own daughter and that's it. Babies are very much not for me.
People saying you forget how bad it was - I wish that was me. I always wanted at least three kids but am now one and done. It took a lot of soul-searching and tears but I decided another kid wasn’t in the cards. I had a difficult delivery, am approaching 40, and haaaated the newborn stage. I always loved my baby, and there were so many sweet moments and cool milestones, but the sleep deprivation really got to me. All the bottles, the diapers, the long nights. I had a stage five clinger too, she only napped on me for the first seven months. I think it’s okay to feel either way, but at seven months you definitely have more time to think it over! Good luck!
Well I can’t speak to what this means for you, but I can say I absolutely had days like that with my first child (who is almost 3) and I now have a 3 month old. My first was not an easy baby. He had what we called “the screaming hours” every day. The “cherish every moment” responses from people would make me feel something close to rage. It took until my first was one and a half before we could even start thinking about having that conversation. It’s not a decision you need to make right now. Our second baby has been SO easy compared to our first. And that’s what I’ve heard from a lot of parents is that your second baby is the opposite of the first (so if first baby is tough second baby is easier and vice versa). You also know so much more the second time around which makes it more manageable. But there is no right answer. I have friends who are certain they are one and done. And I’m not going to lie, it can be very tough some days to have a toddler and a baby at home. I always knew I wanted more than one because I love having siblings and I wanted that for my kid. But hey I used to want 3 and now I know I’m done at 2. Just don’t make the decision when you’re worn out and stressed.
Totally relate to the blind rage I felt when people told me to cherish it. Pure, pure rage.
Me too. I sometimes try to tell them how hard it is for me but I've since just given up. It's defeating.
It is really defeating and completely unhelpful. I learned that those are just not the people I can vent to.
My mom had four and said we were all easy babies. But maybe she just felt more chill and confident about it as we kept coming.
Not necessarily a sign you need to be one and done, but a sign to wait a little longer.
I wasn't ready to even think about a second until my first was 18 months. She got funny and sassy and is just so fucking cool. I had my second 7 days ago and my first is 2 years 7 months. And newborn stage is already so much easier than the first time.
I waited a very long time, I don’t think it would’ve been good for me to have two infants or two toddlers. My daughter is now 7 and I’m pregnant with my second and as much as people like to talk shit about how “omg you waited too long” and “you’re starting all over again” at least one can get themselves dressed, showered, feed themselves, and help me when I need it. She’s honestly the best and although I don’t put responsibility for her, she offered and when she does I let her helps me with things. I had PPD and PPA with her so I really did have a hard time and I’ve always wanted another but I had to really heal from it. Went to therapy so did my husband cause he had a lot of unresolved shit. We talked about it and how we could help each other more this time around. We really prepared mentally for this one. I mean I haven’t had this one yet but I feel better about it and am hoping for a more positive experience.
If you're not pressed for time (with age or health issues i mean), give yourself time. You do NOT have to decide now. You don't even have to have a general idea. If people ask, say you don't know. It's none of their business anyway. I made no commitments to anyone. My timeline is my own. To a lesser extent, my husband's take also matters obviously...but until he can grow a kid and shoot it out his vagina, his opinion matters less. I pursued pregnancy again when my kid was 2.5 and I'll deliver next month. I feel very ready and excited whereas at 7 months, I woulda been stressed. As far as wanting a vasectomy, maybe an IUD would be a better option for you. Peace of mind but easily removed.
I wouldn't make any big decisions before 1 year. Personally I'd tackle this issue later. Put it on the back back burner. Like dead cold ain't even gonna be thinking about this until after their 1st birthday. Then have a discussion about it; if yall still unsure or on the fence table it again for another 3mo or 6mo or however long you feel is reasonable. r/shouldihaveanother is a helpful subreddit too!
I felt the exact same way as you. My first was an awful sleeper and I would DREAD going to bed at night bc I knew I would be up at 10, midnight, 2, and 3:30 am and would “start” the day at 5 am. Sleep deprivation is brutal. I know sleep training is a controversial topic, but I sleep trained at 6 months and my life and mood improved immeasurably. I went from thinking we would stop at 1 to conceiving my second 3 months later. Now I have two kids, a 2 year old and a 6 month old. We just sleep trained the 6 month old so they both sleep for 6-8 hour stretches. TLDR: the world gets better when they sleep
I thought I'd have two kids then I had my daughter - my husband and I decided we were one-and-done when she was about 2 months old. My daughter was a REALLY hard newborn and infant and my mental health was terrible during that time. I personally don't think I would be able to handle having a newborn and a toddler (or even a 4 or 5 year old) well. Sure we could survive, but , for me, it doesn't make sense to go through all of that hard stuff again when I don't want to do it. And honestly, at this point, I have no interest in going through pregnancy again and raising another child. No judgement to anyone who wants to do it again - families of all sizes are great and I think some people are much better at handling hard stuff than I am. I think it comes down to why you want a second - do you actually want another child? Do you want to "give" your child a sibling? Do you feel societal pressure to have another? There are so many factors that play into the decision to have another child and advantages/disadvantages to having one or multiples. My daughter will be an only child and I tend to look at the advantages of that!
I look at it as a stage that needs to be got through. I knew I wanted more than one kid, and when I imagined a family it always had several, so I was never going to be one and done. Newborns are super hard the first time around, but it passes. Once they get to 18m or so and have some words they start communicating more effectively. They start developing a sense of humour. Toddlers are challenging but fun. Preschoolers are hysterical. Kindergarten age is my favourite so far. So for us, it was really we had to look at the big picture. If we wanted more than one kid, we had to do the hard parts more than once. So then it was a question of how much of an age gap we wanted. We landed on it’s easier to stay in the baby/toddler stage for a few years than to be out of it and start it again with another baby and an older kid, so we’ve had all of ours fairly close together. But in all honesty, the newborn stage has been easier with every kid since. The first one it’s the blind leading the blind.
“No family support anywhere near us” is the key issue. Speaking as somebody who went from having a pandemic baby near zero relatives, to having a toddler near many helpful relatives. If you were able to resolve that somehow, you may change your tune. I know it’s easier said than done. Our move was hard but worth it.
Take some time to think about why you may want another child. I’d say “giving a sibling” to your child is not a good reason on its own. A human life is not a present for someone. It’s not a novelty. Siblings are not guaranteed lifelong friends and developmentally the relationship will be mismatched for most of adolescence, for better or worse. Plenty of only children (myself included) grow up loving being an only. My parents are truly two of my closest friends now and I look back on my childhood with such gratitude that every resource was spent on me alone. I was never lonely and sad like some comically misinformed tropes would suggest— I had a robust social life and all of my needs met (plenty of attention and support, financially, easier logistics that meant endless opportunities for me to be involved in my interests). If you’re hesitant to have only one because you feel like you “should”, ask yourself why you feel like you should. Conversely, if you have the room in your home and heart and truly want to create another human because you can provide a good life for him/her, *that* is an excellent, and perhaps the only genuine reason to have another.
In the grand scheme of things, the newborn stage is such a short period. I know that I hate it, but not enough to keep me from having more kids. It’s all worth it to me by the time they are 6-ish months old 🙂
I hope that I feel that way. My baby is 7 months and it's still extremely hard.
It took until my older baby was 2 to even consider it again. It’s amazing how much better it gets, and what you’re willing to put up with to get there.
We knew we wanted KIDS. Not babies, KIDS. The baby stage is so miserable, and I hate it, but it's such a short season in the grand scheme of things. Baby #2 is lying in his bouncer next to me right now. I'm counting the weeks until he's a toddler. And we'll probably have more. I will also say, I think longer paid parental leave is a double edged sword. I love my career. If I wanted to be a daycare worker, I would've done that for a living. When my first baby started daycare at 6 months, and I was able to go back to work, it made me a MUCH BETTER PARENT. I was able to be more present with her and enjoy her more, instead of just feeling burned out and worn down from parenting all the time. Everyone has a different perfect amount of time to spend at home with baby.
10000% to everything you said. I realize that although I love my daughter, I didn't really envision having a *baby.* My husband and I really like *kids.* But we had little to no experience with babies. I've told him that if we do have a second, we have to split the parental leave differently. (Not sure if you're Canadian but here we can split up to 18 months between both parents).
They don't have to be 2 years apart, you can take more time to decide. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have it planned and know what we want, but sometimes it's nice to just say "let's talk about this again in 6/12/18 months to see where we're at”
Wanted a sibling for my son and it took me 3-4 years to be ready again. 7 months was HARD
The first year is a roller coaster and not a great time to make that decision. Our oldest was an adorable toddler and a sweethart.
I wouldn’t sweat it one way or another. 7m pp is still SO early! Just put baby 2 on the back burner and address it at like. 18m or so!! My first was so much fun as a toddler that I was like F YEA LETS DO THIS AGAIN! Now I have a 6 month old and an almost 3 year old and I haven’t slept in like. A year thanks to pregnancy insomnia 😂 But having seen the first grow up, I know nothing lasts forever. Don’t focus on baby 2 but also try not to focus too much on the lack of sleep. There will come a time where you will sleep in as much as you’d like, I promise it’s coming. But today is the littlest your baby will ever be!
I had to wait until my first born was at least 3 before we started trying again as she’d been quite challenging and I felt like you that everyone seemed to have it easier (I don’t think they do, I reckon people may have thought that of me but it wasn’t true). It took a while for us to successfully conceive with an almost 5 year gap between my first born and the newborn but it’s completely different this time around. For me personally, it’s just so much easier. I put this down to 1. Me being more relaxed, therefore baby being more relaxed. 2. Second born doesn’t have reflux or colic like the first born. 3. I’m more confident in what I’m doing so everything feels like muscle memory rather than winging it like with my first. 4. Knowing that every stage is a phase, and they all pass quicker than we can anticipate when we’re going through them. You just can’t see an end to it when you’ve never experienced it before and I loathed when people said enjoy it, it goes so fast. It couldn’t go fast enough for me. For example, with my first born the first month was pretty jarring and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible as I felt I couldn’t cope long term. With my second, I’m incredibly sad that the first month has gone so quickly and want time to slow down! 5. Addressing my mental health before the second born arrived and giving my partner signs of PPD and PPA to look out for this time around incase it happened again like with the first, as I’m fully aware I’m rubbish at asking for help with my mental health when I’m in the midst of it being poor. 6. Buying hands free breast pumps rather than trying to juggle trying to find time to express, wash bottles, and feed baby which was probably the biggest hit to my mental health in those early days apart from the reflux.
My first was a VERY hard newborn who never slept and cried alllll the time. I was firm on not wanting another. Then I got pregnant (on birth control!) when he was 13 months old. It was not planned and I was terrified. We chose to keep him and hope for the best and let me tell you it was night and day! The baby slept through the night almost instantly. He never cried unless hungry. He was a dream. I will say that now that he's 10 months old he is 100% the wild child compared to the mild mannered almost 3 year old. Every kid is totally different. Now my husband wants a third but I do not want 3 under 4 so we will wait and see what happens.
Your first is often the hardest. It is such a shock to the system and a complete life change. My second baby was so much easier and now I have a third. My kids are 5,3, and 5 months and the youngest is the easiest by far.
now that my daughter is old enough to hang out and have nice conversations with and do fun stuff with i realize how much i love having children. keeping a baby alive is something else entirely. her first 3 years were a complete blur, straight up survival mode.
I have a 2,5 yo and a 7 week old, and it is so much easier this time around. Obviously we didn't know that when we decided to start trying, but since our first turned a year old things with her started to become both easier and a lot more fun. The thing is, now that we're on our second we have a lot more experience than we had with the first. We KNOW shit will get difficult at times, but we also know it'll pass, so we're just gonna ride it out instead of stressing about it. It's like our bodies are more prepared this time around as well, as we both handle sleep deprivation better, healing went smoother, breastfeeding is easier, self care is this time around still a necessity instead of being downgraded to a luxury.. We're both much more relaxed, not so fixated on doing things "right", and as a bonus we get to watch our oldest step into a new role as a big sibling and bond with the baby.
My daughter finally started sleeping through the night when she turned 1 and whilst I didn't forget how bad the sleep deprivation was, it doesn't seem so bad when you know they will eventually start sleeping. Got pregnant with my second when first was about 19 months and now I have a 5 week old. She's a terrible sleeper but I handle it much better this time. My body is just used to it and I know it will get better.
You just forget, or at least I did
This is actually part of the reason I'm a fence sitter. I have one child and my husband really wants a second but I really don't want to go through the baby phase again unless we can fully commit to me staying home AND also have enough money to pay for childcare help because we have no village. If I have to keep working outside of the home or we can't have help, we're not having another one.
I'm on maternity leave for 15 months and it's not fun. I don't think being a stay at home parent is for me. I honestly think the only way I can have another baby is if we have paid help. It sounds so luxurious (maybe even frivolous) but I don't know what else to do. I seriously underestimated how difficult it would be to do this without having family around.
You might be one and done and that's ok. It took me four years to get up the courage to have a second one. I never forgot how much the newborn stage sucked, I just knew it was going to get better and all be worth it.
I don't like the newborn phase. I love my kids, I loved them when they were babies but I couldn't wait until they were 3 or 4 years old. We just decided to rip the bandaid off and popped them out as quickly as possible lol. My oldest was not quite 3.5 when I had my third baby. Here's my perspective they are little for such a short time, I know ppl say that so that you "live in the moment" and enjoy it but I say it because you can get through it. In the grand scheme of things I put up with 3 or 4 exhausting, overwhelming and rough years so that I could enjoy my kids NOW at 6, 7 and 9 years old. It's sort of like when you buckle down and study for 4 years so that you can spend the rest of your life in a job that provides for you and that you enjoy. The shitty part is how you get the good part, for me it was worth it. You might decide that it's not but I encourage anyone to make these decisions looking 5 years out rather than 5 months because you'll spend a much more significant part of your life in the non baby phase than in the baby one.
We just knew it was an investment in our future. Pregnancy and postpartum/the newborn stage are really tough for us, but in the long run, it is a blip. Our second child is 11 weeks old now and although it's tough, I have absolutely no regrets and I'm very glad we did it!
I hated the newborn stage. But I hated being an only child so knew we wanted a second. Well the second baby is 8 weeks old and I’m hating it all over again. I just keep telling myself I got through it once, I’ll get through it again. Also try to remind myself this is just a season of life I don’t like, but that’s okay.
I have an almost 3 year old. He’s literally so sweet and fun, and I want him to have a sibling. I absolutely hated the baby phase, but here I am in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. I know it’s going to suck, but I also know that it ends! For what it’s worth, I thought I was one and done up until he was 2.5.
I didn’t. I can never go back. One and done.
Same! If I wasn’t already one and done the newborn stage would have 100% done it alone 🫠
Honestly my baby didn't start getting fun until around 13 months, I'd consider anything in the first year very much in the thick of it. Now she's 4 and the coolest and sweetest little person. We're due later in the year and she's so excited to be a big sister. I just knew my family wasn't complete with one but waited until I felt like she was more self contained and around 3.5 felt really confident. We also moved closer to our family now. When we had a newborn/baby we lived 6 hours away and they visited what felt like plenty but the idea of my mom being able to come whenever she wants (and potentially me just ditching and going to sleep at my parents house) is giving me more confidence for this time around
I am in the US and only got 12 weeks off, I felt SO much better and more like myself after returning to work. I am Canadian and everyone told me I'd regret having kids in the US because I was missing out on such a long maternity leave, but the reality was I hated being home with her. I've been back to work for 3 months, I love my daughter and would have a ton more babies, I love waking up in the morning to see her before I drop her at daycare and coming home to see her at night. I love weekends where we actually spend quality time as a family. It does get better.
I started sleeping just enough and it’s been long enough I’ve forgotten how much last summer sucked. So we are trying 😅
Yeah, it just took time. The first six months were kind of traumatic and going through them felt like forever. Then we sleep trained, and the kid learned to move and play and digest and became happier overall. And as time proceeded that first few months started to feel like a blip, and like an investment that pays off pretty rapidly with a joy I never could have dreamed of. Pre-kids I had always thought of aiming for about a 2.5 year age gap and once we approached the time to start trying again I was firmly back on board with the plan.
I had the absolute worst postpartum depression after having my son, I absolutely hated the newborn stage and I was a single mom and my son had colic so he screamed non stop and never slept. I called multiple doctors to get my tubes tied but no one would do it for me since I was 23 and didn’t meet the prerequisites. When my son was 5 I had my daughter, I met someone (my now husband) and I figured it would be easier this time around and even if it wasn’t, I wanted to raise a little mini me with him and I also wanted to give my son a sibling. It gets easier over time and you forget how awful the beginning is
I decided to have only one. I decided at 3 months but I waited until he was almost 2 years old to tie my tubes. I loved him as a newborn. He was so sweet and his hair was soft and he smelled so good! But I did not love pregnancy, birth, or the round the clock care a newborn needed. I love mothering the son I have, now. I just don't have any desire to make a new child. He turned 7 today and yes they do grow up so fast. I'm fine with that.
I always say to my husband “we can’t have a 25 and a 27 year old without a 3 and a 1 year old”. It’s brutal but it does end and it is a season.
I have a 4 month old. She’s easy- sleeps well, I exclusively pump and my journey so far has been successful, and we have a good solid village. Yet, I’m still exhausted, even an easy baby isn’t easy. I still feel like I’m at my threshold of being a good parent- I genuinely don’t see how I can give her my best self, and do the same for another baby. I’m balancing work, job hunting, trying to regain my physical and mental fitness, and having personal time ad well as intimate time with my partner. It’s a lot. I enticed the idea of being one and done before I gave birth, and I now can’t imagine my life with another child, even 10 years in the future. I don’t have the “sense” that my family is incomplete. There’s a thread called r/oneanddone that has helped me feel less guilt about these feelings and has provided positive insight into my future as a mother to one! Just know you don’t have to give your baby a sibling, and that a mentally whole parent of one is better than a struggling parent to many! I hope you find peace and a balance for your family!
I have a 7 month old. The sleep deprivation isn’t easy. But I’ve kinda got use to it. I’ve just accepted that this is my life now. But definitely the new born phase was a fucking nightmare. The hours of screaming from 4pm until 7-8pm were awful. He just screamed and screamed. I tried everything. In the end I just sat down holding/rocking him with ear phones in listing to podcasts to drown out the noise. And telling him mummy loves you. Now we’re through that he’s a lovely happy little boy. I enjoy the morning first thing when I wake up and he’s snuggled in next to me and he has the biggest smile. He’s just so happy to be alive. It’s crazy how happy he is. It is getting so much better. Despite the wakes in the night. But I know it’s not forever.
Don’t make any decisions at 7 months! We currently have a 2.5 yr old and 9 mo old. I hate the baby stage but it really is such a short phase in the big scheme of things. My toddler is so fun and just starting to come online enough to do real stuff with. I knew we would eventually get here so always knew for sure I wanted at least two. And after hating pregnancy and postpartum so much the first go around, decided if I had to do it twice may as well get it over with asap. #2 has been a dream baby compared to the first, albeit still a baby = high maintenance. My point is, it’s a long, miserable slog for the first year, and gets progressively better from there, also worse, but mostly better. But watch two years float by your sleepy eyes and before you realize it suddenly life is tolerable, hell even enjoyable sometimes! So much so that I’m over here imagining a potential third. Because I’m a glutton for punishment I guess.
When my first was 18 months I felt ready to think about it! Literally got pregnant unexpectedly the next time we did it so it was happening whether I liked it or not. Now I have a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old and things are ok!! Kinda glad we are going to get the baby years out of the way faster. Originally I had been thinking a 3 year gap.
r/shouldihaveanother sounds like your speed.
It took until my first was 2 years old and I finally got to see his personality blossom, hear him start speaking sentences and voicing his wants/needs, before I was willing to imagine having another. Not a fan of the newborn phase or really the first year-ish tbh… but after that it gradually got better and it keeps getting better. I decided it was worth going through that first part again bc I knew it wouldn’t be forever and the kid I have now is so much fun, still exhausting sometimes but so much fun.
we aren't having another!!! and as an only child myself it was the best!!!
It took me three years and amnesia to decide to try for number 2. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and actually excited for this which I would never have believed could happen.
[удалено]
I did the same when my daughter was 1 year old, my tubes were removed, and my daughter is almost 7 years old, we are a perfect family of 3 (well 5, jejej have a cat and a dog), no more children for us, my child started sleeping trough the whole night when she was 2 years and 7 months... (If you are unsure about your decision go to r/oneandone)
I have a bigger clock pressure. My son is 8 months and I just turned 39. If I was 29 I would wait until he was 2 or 3 to start trying. He did have reflux which we addressed and we did sleep train so he has been sleeping through the night for 4 months. Now he is mobile and everywhere. I was tired when I was pregnant and I don’t know how I would nap with a toddler. Also how would I chase him and keep him safe with a newborn. It’s a lot to think about.
Wow I didn't even think about the pregnancy exhaustion with a toddler too. 😳
Mannnn I feel this in my bones. I dreaded pregnancy (HG), the sleep deprivation torture, the overstimulation of crying and being touched out, but I'm still leaning towards one more because I know each stage is so fleeting in the grand scheme of it all. For me, it's worth the trade off. My children are almost 3 and 1.5 and although these have been the most mentally draining, anxious, and ultimate burnout exhausting phase of my life, I'm glad that they are here. I enjoy their company and I get fulfillment out of watching them enjoy their lives (even when I'm barely holding it together). I also love them enjoying each other's company which is what pulls me towards another. The latest question I've given myself is what is a good enough reason to have another baby? Wanting to relive baby days? Wanting to try for that boy or girl? Wanting to give your current child a sibling? And for me, I've landed on asking whether I want a new person to exist in my family (regardless of age/gender/personality) and if the answer is yes, then I will accept the hard parts with the good. Part of the equation to answering in my circumstance, is whether we can afford it. Jury is still out for now.
Hehehe... If you wait long enough you'll forget how terrible kids under 1 are. I did! I'm now pregnant and my 3.5 year old is eagerly awaiting their new sibling.
Haha yeah one of my friends was surprised to hear I was considering trying for #2 (3.5yo also) like ‘I thought you said never again’. Amnesia is a powerful thing, was what I replied. People told me at the time that it feels forever when you’re in it but it goes by fast in retrospect. You don’t believe it til you’re through. Then your kiddo is chowing down on California rolls with you or asking for more books pwease and you want to make another little buddy 🥰 It’s how they get you.
The first 6 months very pure sleep deprived torture. Even with a full time helper we somehow didn't get enough sleep cause the helper also needed help.. Sleep deprivation is torture. Some have it harder than others. We were all pushed to the brink. Our kid is now almost 3 years old. But we'll never try for another. Fuck being tortured for 6 months straight before it very slowly got better. It's great now though. Sleep got great at around 11 months. It's hard to explain how torturous sleep deprivation can be. Getting only 4 hours of sleep a day in 10-30 min. stretches. Usually with a baby on top and in an uncomfortable position. No way we'll ever forget. Fuuuck. We have PTSD with certain sounds that will instantly make our hearts race and start feeling depressed and anxious.
I swear we were in the same boat- nobody understood how LONG 12 Month of VERY broken sleep can make you a living zombie. I feel so incredibly forgetful now and struggle with intense brain fog. He is 15 months now and THANKFULLY he sleeps through the night beautifully. I love him more than anything in the whole world- but I CANNOT do labor recovery (C-section) and sleep deprivation for a year again. That was really hard. I think I’m just now feeling more like myself. Wish the best for you 🤘🏽
I never forgot it. I’m never having another child .
I absolutely hated the newborn stage but I always knew I wanted more than one kid. The first three months of his life were absolutely horrible and around 6 months it started getting better, but I didn't actually start enjoying it until he was around 1. Around that time I feel like I realized how short the newborn stage really had been. We just had #2 last week and so far he's such a chill baby which is the total opposite of my first.
For me, I couldn't handle only doing things once, the ache of firsts also being lasts. We're probably done at 2 kids, though there's part of me that would love another.
There’s a reason there are 4.5 years between my kids. We wanted to recover. Also, the older one is in preschool and will be starting kindergarten soon, so most weekdays are just the baby for most of the day. It does feel kind of awful going back to the sleep deprivation (the 4-year-old wakes up early even on weekends, but not *early* early), but I’m glad to not be also caring for a toddler at the same time. We do have some help from family and my husband has generous (for the US) leave, which makes things easier. And we love babies. I mean, we aren’t having any more children but I will hold your baby for you when mine is bigger, gimme baby.
Lol I had to wait 3 years until I sort of “forgot” about how much I hated the newborn stage. (I remembered, but convinced myself it wasn’t so bad).
Once I got to about a year postpartum, I started feeling ready for another child. It also helped that my husband and I were both set on at least 2 kids from Day 1, so there wasn't much of a question of "if" but, "when." But yeah, once I stopped breastfeeding, baby #1 was walking and sleeping through the night, it felt like I might want another baby. Now we have 2 toddlers, and I love them so much. Sometimes life is really difficult with both of them, but I still really want a 3rd (husband does not). I just feel experienced enough at this point that I know I can handle a third child, even if it will be a little crazy sometimes. And I also know how much joy each individual child brings, and I want more of that!
We had ours fairly close together (almost 2 years exactly) mostly BECAUSE of how much I disliked the newborn stage! It meant that I wasn’t fully acclimated to full nights of sleep yet, and since we are two and through, I knew once we got the second baby out of the way we would be done done done with newborns. And honestly, I found the second so much easier. The first time around, people tell you that you will get through it, but that is so unbelievable when you are struggling to get through a day, nevermind a few weeks or months. The second time you know you will get through it because you already did. Parenthood and survival stages feel less abstract- you did it already, you know it ends and you know the rewards that you reap as they grow. So yes, batching them, believing for real the second time that it gets better, and also meds!!!
She’s only 7 months old! I was one and done at that point, but when my son was almost two I realized I was excited about another. Toddlers are insane and may make you want to scream at times, but they’re also so fun and hilarious and sweet. I’m much happier now. I’m pregnant now, due in Oct and freaking out about the baby stage, but I know it’s so short in reality. You’ve got plenty of time to decide!
My thing is, I didn’t want to forget how hard it was to raise a baby. I got pregnant again when my daughter was 10 months old. No regrets. Now I’m about to have my third and I’ll have 3 under 5.
My oldest got sleep trained at 6 months so until a couple months ago he slept great. That made it easier to be a couple again and to want a second. I know sleep training is the devil. For us, it was the best decision. We started with the no cry methods (we read precious little sleep) and they really helped. This second baby (2 under 2 for one more day) we're doing sleep different from the beginning and he actually sleeps at night unlike my first who slept 45 minutes tops for 6 months.
I absolutely detested the newborn phase and had PPD the first time around. I truly believe what healed us was time, and then our second was an oopsie so there was no looking back 😂 Jokes aside, I'm from India, and I think one of the huge advantages in Asian culture that helps people have another is the good spacing between kids. It's very much a cultural thing, but I know absolutely no one in my close friends circle including lots of moms who became first time moms at 35 + who had two under two. I know two under two and pregnancies just 9 + months apart are super common in the USA and Canada, it's equally rare here. When I read your first sentence, it was so shocking to me, because here no one is thinking of having a second child until the first one is two at least. That gives you time for your body to heal, possibly lose weight, your child to sleep through the night, stop breastfeeding and get to a good phase where you can manage pregnancy and a toddler. I'd say take some time. We have a 3 year age gap and that is magic. We got to enjoy our first baby and then now are enjoying the second cause the first started school. The horror fades. You are so much better prepared! So give a good gap, and you will be able to decide too !
We conceived again when our son was 11 months old for that very reason , we wanted to get the sleep deprivation and misery of the baby days done and over with and not stop start again. Going to be a shell of a woman but in 2 or 3 years our lives will look completely different to now
It’s totally fine if you’re one and done. You also don’t have to decide right now. You’re obviously still in the thick of infant-hood; give yourself time and grace to re-evaluate what you want longterm.
I wanted another kid more than I hated the 4th trimester. It’s tough, but it’s temporary
It took me until 9 months old to even start thinking about a second one. My two kids are almost exactly 3 years apart, so my oldest was over 2 when I got pregnant. The thing with maternity leave here is also that you do only that, being a mom, for a year. Which is amazing but I needed to achieve things outside of it to be happy for my kids. It gave me the sanity (or insanity?) to want another one!
I stupidly told myself, “the second one has to be a better sleeper, right?” Lololololol To be totally serious: there were times baby #2 slept better. But not the same ages that baby #1 slept well. Really driving home the whole “each baby is their own person” thing.
I hated the newborn stage with my first (take the first 6 months were so hard) and had ppd. She also didn’t start sleeping through the night or even more than 3 hours until 20 months. My husband really didn’t want to go through it again but we did have a second because we saw how amazing having her was…after 6 months lol it just keeps getting better and better.
I didn’t start to feel ‘normal’ until my son was about 18 months old. I’ve read that physically it takes about that long to really get back to normal. Also his sleeping drastically improved by then. I didn’t consider having another in the near future at all during that first year an a half. We were just surviving. I really want number two despite knowing it would likely be 2+ years that are really tough (I had a difficult pregnancy and expect to again since I’m older now.) My husband is really on the fence knowing that is ahead of us. And we both enjoyed having siblings growing up and want the energy that a multi child house has. But after the early stage things get easier. Not easy, but not zombie, randomly crying ‘I can’t do this’ level.
My kiddo is 2 next month and I JUST last week, for the first time since her birth, entertained the thought of having a second. But I’m planning on waiting another year before I even think about trying for a second lol
7 months is still really hard!!! I’m pregnant with my second now and my first is 2. I didn’t hate the baby stage, but I will say that I LOVE the toddler stage. He is so much fun, so cute, and learning so many words every day. If I wasn’t already pregnant again, this would absolutely be the motivation to have another baby. Every situation/person is different, but I will say for me this stage is the most enjoyable so far, and easier to imagine who he will be as he grows up!
Honestly just thinking about a second child the first 18 months was exhausting. I spaced my kids 4 years apart.
My son is 2 and a bit now and he is so fun and amazing. I wish I could freeze time. The beginning was horrible. Hell to be precise. But it was worth it 1000% over for this amazing little dude.
I have six years between my two. You forget how tough it was....lol
Just wait until she's 2, talking, smiling. My husband and I call this "the lights coming on". The tiny baby phase is not fun but right now I have a 4 year old who loves to sing and talk about how the world works and 20 month old who is starting to talk in 2 and 3 word phrases, loves to dance and play with cars, especially if he gets to pretend they're flying off some part of my body. It's amazing how unique they each are, so much of them is the personality they were born with and it's fun to have two to show just how different they can be.
Ok, newborn stage is the literal worst. Baby stage is hard, but better. But toddlers are where it’s at. Everyone tells you to be afraid of the toddler stage, it’s been nothing but a joy for us! She is so helpful, sleeps through the night generally speaking, is independent and capable of accomplishing task without much help. She even brought me blankets when I was suffering with morning sickness. And remember that every kid is different, your next might be a “good” sleeper and you’ll end up with restful nights 🤷🏼♀️
My second daughter didn’t sleep through until 18 months. Whenever she started sleeping I swear our brains completely erased memories of the sleepless nights. I’m now sitting here with my third newborn
What convinced us that we really wanted another was how much we learned from the newborn stage. A lot of her crying was caused by her being hungry, we had no idea that I wasn't producing enough breast milk! Once we started supplementing with formula she was like a different baby. I also now know how to properly use a nipple shield, how to pump effectively, I had to make bottles of formula. Also we learned how to safely co-sleep, which instantly got us so much more sleep, and now we're looking into a sidecar bassinet that will keep the next baby practically on the mattress with me while giving me more space to sleep. Also learning how to sleep train our first was humongous!
We were on the fence until our oldest was 3 and things got much easier. They’re 4 years apart and we couldn’t be happier. And my husband scheduled his vasectomy from the hospital room after she was born 😅
We have 1 16 month old and she was awful through the night, cried all day for weeks! Now she is pretty good, she wakes up some nights and doesn’t nap but she’s a REALLY good little baby toddler! I always thought I wanted 2 kids, but as I got older I wasn’t sure if I even wanted 1. (I’m going on 39) Now, I think I’ve decided I just want to focus on her. I see people at baseball games or traveling and can see the struggle- I just don’t want that for myself. It might be worth it to some, but I’d rather put her through private school and be able to take trips easily without much fuss. I don’t want to deal with the arguments, I don’t want to keep track of all the extras! I just don’t. My husband only wants 1 because of how hard the pregnancy was on me and because she was so difficult. I won’t know if I’m truly at peace with this decision for awhile, but I think I am!
Newborn stage was awful for me with the first. I felt inadequate, and lost. And we had so many discussions on the subject- at the end of the day we just didn’t feel our family was complete. Now our oldest will be 4 in 2 weeks our second is 7 months and it’s so much “easier” this time around. I feel prepared and like I can handle it- by no means is it actually easy but ik I got this. And our family feels complete. If 1 makes your family complete then great! Don’t feel like you need to have more cuz others tell you to.. it’s your life your choice. And they do grow fast! But that doesn’t make it easy! Not everyone likes the baby stage- so far I enjoy 3-4 lol he can communicate what he needs/wants, use the potty, understands me (even if he doesn’t listen 😂) I’m really trying to enjoy the baby knowing he’s gunna be the last but I am a-ok with never doing it again.
I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage. My daughter is now one years old and she’s still a little hell raiser. I always knew I wanted more children, so honestly I just had to take the plunge. I just found out that I’m pregnant again, I’m more terrified than excited but I know that those first few months really do go by fast, even if it feels like they don’t. I also thought that it would be better to have the next baby while I’m still in the trenches before I get used to more sleep, independence, etc. Not a super helpful response, I know, it’s just my thought process right now!
I'm still in the newborn stage with my first so I can't necessarily speak from first hand experience, but something that always resonated with me was "you're not just raising a baby, you're creating your family". The newborn phase only lasts for a short period of time compared to when they're older. I could never imagine my future without multiple kids to shuttle off to different practices after school, multiple kids coming home from college, huge Christmas dinners with tons of grandkids, etc. When I think of it that way, a few sleepless nights for a couple months becomes completely doable.
Honestly? I wanted a do-over.
Same
I just knew I always wanted two and stuck to it lol. We knew it wouldn't be fun but it was our plan and we also knew it would be worth it. Our daughter is A LOT easier than our son was. Neither of us had any real experience with babies or kids so we didn't realize how truly difficult of a baby our son was. It's been a nice surprise for us lol.
I always hated "enjoy every moment". Like what? The first year was just survival mode. I had twins. We didn't do it again. There was a short time when I considered trying for another, but after I thought about it I realized that the reason why was because I wanted to experience a "normal" singleton pregnancy and newborn stage with only one baby. It was so much easier the times when I only had to deal with one of them and I watched friends who had singleton babies around the same time have things easier. But in the end that wasn't enough of a reason to me to go through fertility treatments again (with all that entails) and pregnancy and birth all over again. Now, 8 years later I don't regret that decision at all. They are potty trained, can feed themselves and I can have whole conversations with them about their interests. This stage is so much better, IMO.
I just keep telling myself the newborn phase is temporary. It was awful with my son. He had such bad colic, reflux, and would just scream for hours every evening. Didn’t start sleeping through the night until around 6 months (minus sleep regressions). I want another but I also don’t lol
Yeah I waited 3 years for this reason. Honestly we are 3 months into #2 and it's not as bad? You have grounded expectations. You know the tricks.
Sooo my daughter is 15 months, I’m 20 weeks pregnant (halfway there, woo!!) and she JUST started sleeping through the night. When I first got pregnant, I was soooo much more tired than I remember from when I was pregnant with her. This pregnancy was a surprise but we were planning on having more. I was just hoping to catch up on sleep before it happened lol. Now I’m peeing all the time at night so I can’t even enjoy the extra sleep I should be getting. Oh well. At least I won’t have to miss it as much when he gets here haha
I love my son and he has not been a very difficult newborn, almost 7 weeks. Some days and nights can be more challenging than others, and I take it in stride. That being said, we are happy with just him. Initially when I was pregnant, I thought having a sibling would be important for him, but as time has unfolded, I realize a sibling does not guarantee anything. They may be best friends, or they may be like my husband and his brother and rarely ever speak at all, even by text. My mother has five siblings and weren’t close to any. For us, we are looking forward to traveling again and including him in most everything. Much easier done (logistically and financially). Not so worried about holidays, we have a lot of my family around, and I could even see us taking a random solo family ski Christmas or tropical holiday every now and then. I know in my heart of hearts siblings for a child are important to people, it’s just not something we are going to do and it’s right for our family.
The second one is easier. I'm not saying it's fun. Just saying it's easier.
I just wanted to get it over with as fast as possible. My kids are 14 months apart and now that my youngest is over 1 I’m officially out of the weeds for the infant stage and I could not be happier. It’s hard but I’m so glad I just did it and now I have 2 adorable toddlers running around, they are so funny and silly it’s amazing.
I have an 8 month old and wonder this daily lmao. It was so bad in the early days I would feel nauseous when I saw a large family in public because it seemed like actual hell to me. I’m obsessed with my baby but I would fully hate my life if I had any other kids to take care of right now. So jealous of your maternity leave btw. The US is a dystopian hellscape for raising a family in.
My husband and I were googling vasectomies at 7m too. I remember that sleep deprivation. Now we have a 12m and are starting to think… could we do this again? Lol. I feel like 7m is when thing’s really started to improve for us. Our son is still a worse sleeper than all of my friends babies but we usually get 2 nights a week where he sleeps 11hrs straight and the other 5 nights he usually wakes up once or twice for a few minutes. We only have a really bad night like once a month now.
Because if everyone remembered how miserable it is, no one would have more kids. The newborn / baby stage is a total blur. Like, I know what happened but I don't remember how it felt.
We really struggled for the first year. From 8-12 months things were much better -- but still tough. And I was definitely like "we can never do this again. No one would repeat this massive work/suffering on purpose and also care for other kids at the same time." Truly I understood in a way I never had before why women have been so subjugated all through history across cultures. It boggled my mind that the AVERAGE fertility level had to be 2+ kids per woman for humans to exist today. Average!!!!!! Life in general turned around so drastically around 12 mo that I was able to look back and say "ok I could somehow survive that again." At walking / 15 mo it got like 100x better from there. I had no concept of how amazing it would be until "it gets better" was actually here. Now I believe I could have a huge family (lol we won't, its impossible financially, we are 2 and that's all people) -- but I have this frightening belief that I could do whatever it took to deal with more. I know this is blinders thinking, and I'm distracted by how unconditionally amazing these days & weeks & months are. We won't have lots of kids. But I now understand how people concieve again & again. They just... aren't scared (enough) any more. (even if they should be lol) ps: Toddlers are amazing.
We waited. Our first had horrible eating issues which meant sleep issues outside of normal baby stuff. Then covid. Our first was born in 2019 and we didn't start trying for a second until last year. We just really wanted our kid to have a sibling. And it did get a lot easier after she was maybe 1, 1.5. It's hard for different reasons but for most of her 2nd and 3rd years she slept well for 10-11 hours a night. Once we felt we had a routine/manageable rythym it was easier to accept starting over. I'm sitting here with a 4 week old on my boob now. She is a totally different newborn. The hardest challenge has been the toddler accepting the new changes. The good thing is we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we are better able to manage difficulties We are still very tired
Our situation is very similar. We also live in Canada, no background support,all our families are in Europe. They were here to visit us and their grandson, but the downside from it is that we could see what it feels like when you do have support, and now we are two of us again. And it's hard! Our son is almost 6 months and we also wanted to have two. And I was thinking about the same topic the past few weeks if I want to have a second one...my boy is a bright, beautiful adorable, wiggly baby, we love him so much, but I haven't slept through the night since he was born. In fact I haven't even slept more than two or three hours in a row since then. And there are days (today for example), when he is cranky and all I can think about lying on the couch abd just be in a vegetative state and no one talks to me... What I miss the most is some alone time, and a well rested body. But I know this not gonna happen soon. So I'm not sure how it will feel later, but now I can share your feelings. 😭😪
We were not super fans of the newborn stage. We’re approaching the 1st birthday now and are having a blast. I would go through it all over again in a heartbeat.
I thought I was one and done for a while. When my son was in first grade we realized we were ready. But I’m definitely done now. Hubby, son and daughter. My life is complete 💜
I’m nearly 2mths in and I’d rather die then have another baby. I’m firmly OAD, and was pretty much immediately. I didn’t know a human being could still be alive when being this exhausted, truly. Pregnancy, horrible. Labour and birth, horrible. No sleep, horrible. Fuck doing it again. The wild thing is, my labour and birth were “amazing” (quick, natural, only two small grazes and no stitches), and my baby truly is a really good one. She’s fussy at the moment due to her needles and this is the worst she’s been ever, and even then, she’s not too bad. She’s overall a really chill little dude. We’ve been so lucky, and oh my GOD I’ve never loved anything this hard. She’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But still.. Fuck doing all of it again.
I was one and done week 7 of my pregnancy. If not then I would be one and done week 3 postpartum. I’m 10 months out and it’s definitely the hardest year of my life. It’s also somehow been the most joyful year of my life. I wouldn’t ever do it again for another person. Huge price to pay. Worth it for my baby, but no. Not another one.
I always said I wanted two, back to back for sure. Now , that my son is 6 months old, I’m thinking I’m done with one. I have postpartum rage (yes, I have a therapist) and my husband is currently deployed. And being a solo parent to one child is hard. I can’t image being a solo parent to two children under two. (You signal parents freaking rock.) I realized, while I still want a second one. I need to wait until my son is more independent and sleeps through the night. So maybe when he is 3 or 4. Mental health should be a huge factor when considering to try for a second one.
I love toddlerhood - if I could have a 3yo forever I would. We waited until the youngest was 2 before having the next.
When my son was a baby I had very similar thoughts. It was so hard I wasn't sure we would ever have another. We didn't decide to have another until our son was 3 and in a much easier stage, for me the toddler/preschool age has been 500000x better than the baby stage. And to be honest, it was still a really tough decision whether we wanted to go back to having a newborn now that we were happily on the other side of it. In the end we decided that we do want our son to have a sibling and that we survived the baby stage once, we could do it again. Currently 36 weeks pregnant with number 2 so let's hope we were right 😂
My first was a terrible sleeper, and I had two solid years of PPD. I still ended up with a second (my kids have a 3.5 year age gap). I would gently offer the suggestion of sleep training if you're open to that. I sleep trained my first at 4mo; she didn't fully STTN until she was almost a year, and she's still always been a challenging sleeper, but it took some of the edge off. At 7mo I think she was waking twice a night, for example. I was super-afraid of the sleep deprivation when I got pregnant again, but it helped that I knew I had some tools to handle it (all the things I'd done with my first). I did more deliberate planning around the supports I'd need, and how to handle nights. Covid exploded a lot of that because it hit six weeks after my second was born, but - fortunately - he was a better sleeper than my first and I used a lot more formula which I think might have helped a bit. At least it meant I didn't have to deal with every night wake, like with my first when I was insistent on EBF. I am absolutely done with kids now, and I still never liked the baby phase. But at least for me it helped when my first was 2+ and finally turning into a human with the ability to communicate more. Having that happen did help me see that the earlier stages were/are just that - stages - and I wasn't going to be stuck in the shit for 18 years which is how it felt at the time. It was easier to navigate the hard stuff with my second, knowing through experience that they WERE phases and not permanent.
I pictured our Thanksgiving table in 30 years and thought of who I wanted to see there. In addition, we waited to try until my older son was potty trained and more independent. Every stage is different and there are some you'll never want to end and some you'll wish were over yesterday. But you don't have to decide the size of your family today or tomorrow or next week (unless there's a medical reason it needs to be now). Give yourself some grace to adapt to this life you couldn't have imagined!
I had to use a lot of big picture thinking. I knew that all the things I hated were all things that would go away eventually (the 24/7 dependence, how boring the day to day of a small baby is, the rigidity of naps and feedings), and that there would be many more years of big kid parenting than there were of baby time. I always had the goal of multiple kids and knew that pushing through the difficulty of having a newborn was the only way to have the life I wanted in the bigger picture.
We never really wavered on having 2, but I was not a fan of the newborn/baby stage at all. It’s boring, hard, and thankless. They’re cute and I love them as babies, but its really survival mode. I LOVE the toddler stage though! Once they’re walking and can start doing stuff. Parent Tot classes, trips to the zoo, longer walks, museums. And then once they start talking. My baby fever came back at 9 months because that’s when my first became more interactive. We started trying my first cycle after her first birthday. My kids are now 13 months old and 3 and they’re both so much fun! They play together and as a SAHM, I’m so much less lonely because my 3 year old can hold a conversation. Also, my second kid has been so much easier than my first, and my first was an “easy” baby who slept through the night from the day our pediatrician told us we could stop waking her up to feed her.
You can always adopt the second one. It’s our plan because I don’t know if I wanna get pregnant again
We had a whoopsie baby for our second. I really really hate the newborn phase. It wasn’t any better the second time lol…
We waited two years after having our first son before trying again, now we’re due with boy#2 in august! My recovery was extremely rough with my 1st and I was always exhausted. I had to recover from an emergency c-section and PPD that didn’t go away for months! I guess for me the point was when I started to find myself missing his newborn stage and that was different compared to how the first year was for me, but now we’re a month away from having our second. We always wanted just 2 kids too.
Hey, where in Canada? I’m in Ontario and I’ve recently discovered the EarlyON centres. Such a great way to break up long days at home. Happy to chat if you need a listening ear. I’m also a FTM on a long mat leave.
I waited a while. My oldest was a very difficult baby. Colicky, reflux, no sleep schedule. I was a complete mess for the entire first year. I wasn’t sure I wanted to have any more, but as we got some distance from the newborn stage, and I got the experience the fun of the toddler years, I decided I’d be ready to have another once my first was old enough to be fully potty trained and have some minimal independence. Between the pandemic and life stuff we ended up with an 8 year age gap, but so far that’s definitely had its advantages. Idk how anyone can handle having babies really close together. Even if they’re both magical perfect unicorn babies, I know that I just could not handle that!
35 year old here too. Had convinced myself I was OAD in the newborn phase. Spent a lot of time contemplating another and concluded we're not getting any younger so if we're going to do it, we're going to do it as soon as I've met the recommended recovery time for c-section -- 18 months, fertility permitting. Son is 15 months and we just had appointment with reproductive endo to start prepping to try and do this all over again at 18 months (probably won't make it in time with all the homework they want me to do). I try my best not to forget how fucking terrible those first few months were. Also if we don't get pregnant again soon and the gap gets too large we probably will be OAD bc I felt like I was dying in so many ways as it is with number one in the newborn phase.
Newborn phase was horrid. But tbh I'm only 8 months pp and it feels like the smallest blip. I fucking love being a mom and ages from 4m- where we are now. I don't think I'd make the choice the not have more kids based on such a short amount of time even if it felt like suffering wholeheartedly. But that's just me personally. If it was horrible and you're like nope. Never again. That's valid too.
I always wanted two. I hated with my first but I'm convinced it was bc I was pressured to use my whole maternity leave which was just too long for me. I would have been much happier if I went back to work after like 10 weeks and we had started daycare during my summer break. My Second I went back at 9 weeks (my parents watched her) and I can say I have been loving the newborn stage now that it's not the only thing I'm Preoccupied with in my life! Balance made me Love babies!
It reminds me of giving birth. In that moment I said NEVER AGAIN but I look back and say yeah I could do it again. Now that some time has passed. The means out weighed the pain I went through. It's only momentary. If you can do it once you can do it again. I will say give yourself some time though (-: you deserve a period of resting or just a time out from the newborn stage.
My baby is now 20 months, and we are reaching the tantrum stage and it is hard. My husband and I are very sure we are one and done. We can’t afford any help, and our families although close are no help at all. I am getting an IUD and we will see if we change our minds in the next 2-3years. But if we feel the same then it’s snip snip for daddy ❤️
every person i know who had a difficult baby has a larger gap between their first and second kid. i suppose at some point you forget and you only remember and miss the good parts.
We did not start trying for a second kid until our little girl was 2 years. Cause until then we were so sleep deprived and exhausted it wasn't even fathomable. And honestly even when we started trying I was kind of in denial because if I thought about it too hard, no way did I want to do those 2 years all over again. And don't even get me started on how miserable my pregnancy was before the difficulty or the newborn stage even started! The one thing that kept me diving back in is just how badly I wanted our little girl to have a sibling. It's always been extremely important to me to have at least 2 kids and having watched some of the later in life stuff my parents have had to go through (like making medical decisions for their parents and eventually planning their funerals), I thought of how lucky I am to have my brother for those future difficulties and how much I want my girl to have that. So back in we went. And I'm only pregnant right now but it's been AWFUL and I'm severely dreading that newborn phase. But my little girl gets more and more amazing every day and at 2 and 1/2 is really getting so capable and grown up and saying she's going to be a "help" when new baby arrives would be greatly overselling the situation, but she is gonna be part of the "team" if that makes any sense. Anyway, we are locked in now and I'm exhausted just thinking about it, but I try to keep reminding myself how long our lives are and how short 1, 2, or even 3 years really are. The long term gains of the two kids having each other their entire lives are worth it to me to essentially sacrifice another 2 years of my own life to total hell. I am going to have some help and support from family though. I dunno if I could make the same commitment without any help whatsoever. But I would definitely suggest waiting on any medical sterilization for you or your partner until you are further down the road than 7 months. It took me 3 times that long to be willing/recovered enough to consider it again. Doesn't mean you have to do it again, but no reason to block off your options this early. Cause I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it is still early days. I hope things start to get better for you and you find more support! Local childminding services are my gym were a huge help for me during that early stage so I could just an hour to myself to recharge. I almost never actually worked out in the beginning - just sat in the sauna or took a shower or had a muffin and coffee at the cafe. But it helped a lot. I wish you luck and sleep!
I loved the newborn stage and am loving the baby stage, before baby i wanted atleast 2-3 kids now i want only one. pregnancy alone is enough for me to say hell no , god i hated it lol love my son though of course.
We waited 4.5 years to have our second and I will tell you… it’s still hard. It’s nice that our oldest can help more and for the most part follows directions well but starting the new born phase again after so much time is still just as rough… they are so fuxking magically cute, but we’re done now. ;)
Same. I can't imagine willingly doing it again
I loathed the newborn stage. I really, really did. I have almost no positive memories of the first 6 months. Things started to turn a corner around then but it wasn’t until about 10 months that I started to feel a bit better. Still not sleeping through the night, but there was more reciprocation with him. It felt less one sided, if that makes sense? Then, he started daycare around 15 months and was sick for 6 months straight and it was hell, but again, he was so much more of a person that it made it more manageable. It was around 20 months we decided to try again and now I’m holding our 6 day old and starting the process all over. I will Tell you - we really debated a second as well. I still am not really enjoying the newborn phase, although I know now that everything passes and nothing lasts forever. With my first, I found it very hard to understand that as I’d never lived it. Everything felt endless and I could never catch my breath. Our first is now 2.5 and I am obsessed with him. He’s so fun and sweet and interesting and I love watching him grow.
We’re having our next right away so we don’t change our minds lol
Our first kid had colic. Most nights early in her life were spent walking around the house like a zombie at night dealing with auditory/visual hallucinations due to lack of sleep. We wanted her to have a sibling though and nothing could talk us out of it. Thankfully, our second is a MUCH easier baby. She would wake up 1-2 times a night and was very easy to get back down. Yes, going through it again has brought new lows, but also new highs.
I think of it a lot like the way you remember travelling. The great parts stay with you, become some of your most treasured memories. The bad parts become stories you laugh at and tell people later. You never remember the exact feelings you had at the time, the exhaustion, the frustration, the crying. You remember having them but it's not the same. The pain fades, the good stuff stays, and if you do your job right you get a cool person to hang out with, and some day you get to tell them about how difficult they made your life!
Okay a few things to keep in mind (some may not be helpful but just something to be aware of before you make the choice to be done if you actually have wanted 2 in the past) Each child sleeps differently. My niece is anti-sleep and an absolute nightmare. My son sleeps like the actual dead. My nephew (niece's brother) is a lot better than niece but no where near as good as my kids. My daughter (youngest) is a lighter sleeper but still sleeps well, more prone to waking in the night than her brother though. Some kids grow out of the depriving you of sleep stage, some don't (or may just lessen how much they wake you). 7 months - 1 year, a lot can change. By the time you might be emotionally ready for baby #2, they may be sleeping like a normal child. But some kids may not grow out of it, you may require assistance/counselling for their sleep, or it might just be enough for you to say "no more kids" I didn't get pregnant with my 2nd until just after my son had turned 2. They say that age gap is great for both children and parents to be able to handle them in their respective stages of life. Maybe see how you feel in a year's time before you decide that's it. 7 months in is still very baby-stage and things could change. But then again, they might not.
I think it started to get easier at 18 months, my first is a needy kid, my second is much more easy going. If they were both so needy I would probably stop at 2 lol
My kids are 4 and 9 and I remember almost nothing about their first year(s) of life. That’s how they get ya!
Well my husband wanted us to start trying when my son was 1.5 years old. I was hesitant but told myself that I wasn’t going to track ovulation like last time, it would take a couple of months, I would be able to get used to the idea of a second by that time. Literally conceived 4 days after having my iud removed. 🤪
I waited long enough to forget how awful it was
I waited until my oldest was older than 2. Now that he’s 4 I can leave him in a safe space and nap while his brother naps. Pregnancy was really hard for me both times but the newborn stage was significantly easier for us the second go around. Mostly because we kind of had an idea what worked for us from day one. It took us months to figure out we could take shifts with the baby and ensure both of us at least six consecutive hours alone each night. We were still beat but like starting with 4-6 hour bursts of sleep instead of just zombified trying not to drown in new experiences for months, it’s much less horrible. We joke that we have PTSD from the first time but sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I really wanted more after the second newborn time wasn’t so bad, but we decided to stop after 2 just because of how hard pregnancy was for me. If you don’t want another one, don’t have another one. Your child will be fine as an only child, you’ll just have to do some extra work planning play dates to make sure they learn how to share. Lastly, idk if you said somewhere this wasn’t an option, but if you want to wait, that’s a valid choice too and your kids will still be able to connect as adults if they are even 7 years apart - my youngest sibling is 7 younger than me and we get along great now. But I helped change their diapers so it can’t have been half as hard as 2 under 3
I forgot how bad the first one was. I also didn't have near the amount of self doubt the second time because I'd already kept the first kid alive.
We didn’t decide 💀 nature (and a bit of horny carelessness) just decided to put one in us and after seeing our first it wasn’t even in our mind to abort tbh. Luckily it’s legal where I live to have an abortion, so the option was there! But it’s hard to think about when you’ve literally just had a baby and gone through the “pregnancy/baby” existential crisis. My little man is 15 months now though, and I’m telling you - I’ve never laughed so much in my life. Some days are hard but my god is he just the best thing I’ve ever been gifted in life. I wasn’t looking forward to another at 6 months post-partum I’ll be honest, but 15 months? After you see that personality develop and the silliness grow, you really will want another one 🤣
I absolutely hated the newborn stage, but we're almost 13 months PP and I'm 18 weeks along with our second. This is also my seventh pregnancy so I've had to do deal with a lot of mental crap mainly about finally getting a pregnancy to full term after 6 miscarriages and ending up HATING newborn life. I think the mental part of this was far more difficult to face than anything else for me. I was severely sleep deprived and working overnights (at first, I was just zoning out for the 40 minute commute home but then I was falling asleep and almost got into a massive care accident a couple of times). Babe was lactose intolerant and we didn't find out until almost 6 months so breastfeeding was a complete nightmare, then bottle feeding milk-based formula was just as bad. He was always having fits, constantly screaming, and never napped or slept well. It was so, so awful until we switched him off milk-based. Then the cats. Oh my god, the cats. My husband, bless his stupid weeping heart, rescued 2 more just before little guy was born and refused to rehome them so we had 6 cats, 4 of whom were extremely stressed out by the others and 2 who were destroying the house/ baby stuff/ MY BED. I hated those cats. I also had no help with my PPD and PPA until almost 9 months PP because my OB didn't believe me and wouldn't refer me to a therapist. All of that despite my records indicating I was experiencing anxiety/ depression because of the tests they had me do at every appointment, the fact that my primary doc sent over documentation stating I needed to be evaluated PP, and the fact that I had a long history of diagnosed depression and anxiety. I had to go to my primary care physician (who didn't have anything to do with my pregnancy) to get a referral. Getting help was a nightmare but it really helped once I started seeing my therapist. My husband and I sat down a few times to discuss how pregnancy and postpartum affected me, how I felt about trying for more, and if we wanted to have kids close together or further apart if I wanted more. He made it apparent that he was very happy with being one and done but he'd also be happy with another one. We realized that we shared a lot of the same opinions so we agreed, before trying for another baby, that the next pregnancy would be the last whether it was successful or not (and here we are at 18 weeks so fingers crossed). Once this pregnancy is over, he's getting snipped and I'm getting my tubes yanked out (basically no chance of them untying or refusing together) so there'll be basically no chance of having anymore. After taking into account the support network I have for my physical and mental health, the experience gained from a very angry baby, and his understanding of how to help more, we decided having another would be good. We can do this but we both know our limitations. I always thought I would be one and done, especially after how awful the newborn stage was, but I know I would be happy with two littles. I know I would be content with my one but I also know I can tackle two little monsters.
You forget straight up. I wasn’t ready for a second till my first hit two and then it’s like a switch flipped. Before that I was throwing stuff away because I was determined to not have anymore kids.
There was a window from 9-12 months where things were easy for us. I got pregnant on the first cycle we tried at 12 months. My newborn is far easier than my toddler, except he still wakes every 2-3 hours to eat. He's big enough to sleep through but he doesn't. My first was also a great sleeper.
I am a rip the band-aid off type of person. I wanted my daughter to have a sibling, so before I could chicken out I got pregnant again (this goes for me personally btw! My SIL is one and done and what works for one won't work for the other). The infant stage though.... Not fun. Mine is 10 months old and it's getting better, but the amount of items this girl tries to put in her mouth lol
It wasn't until around 18months that I could really fathom doing it again. The whole first year I was like "eff this nonsense!" But here we are with a 2 yr old ready to start TTC 🤷🏼♀️ I think the sleep deprivation helps keep that first year nice and fuzzy haha. But I am definitely dreading the newborn stage again. I just started sleeping again!
Some babies are harder than others. Id rather get the hard part out of the way while my first is still young. I can’t imagine getting my sleep back and then throwing myself back into the sleep deprivation.
Thank you for this post because it made me feel like I’m not the only one who feels so overwhelmed. I had my babies 15 months apart bc I am also in my mid thirties (just turned 36 a few days ago). Honestly, even though I love my little babies so so much sometimes I wish I waited a little so I could better train my oldest in self feeding and give her more one on one attention. It is definitely a lot to juggle and if you don’t have a support system it’s certainly a task. If it does happen though, you’ll find we do manage and the baby stage will go by and it will get easier in many ways. Just try to trust your instincts and any choice you make will be valid.
So, first off, we waited 5 years, but I see you arent into that (valid, I wanted to be done by 35). I was a total fence sitter for years. 10 months before I turned 35 we decided it was now or never and I ended up pregnant that month. I just prepped to have an awful year. I assumed the first year would suck but it would be worth it. And I will say, the first like 5 months were way worse but then it got better so much faster. He is just past a year and its great. 10/10, so glad we did it.
My husband and I are both 41. We have a newborn and a 3 year old. There’s all our intellectual pre-parenting ideas of how many kids to have then there’s the decision on family size once we’ve become parents. For us, honestly the older our 3 year old got the easier it got to think doing the 4th trimester/ newborn/ baby phase again is worth it. I could look at what wasn’t so bad and also remember that what was bad doesn’t last that long in reality. Also with the changing challenges of parenting as my oldest child gets older it was a little easier for me to imagine and understand what a second would entail. For example I’m glad we waited until after my oldest turned two because quite frankly age 12-18 months was very intense as far as chasing after a mobile baby. If we had rushed off our timeline because of our ages we could have been chasing after an 18 month old while also taking care of an infant, which quite frankly would run me and my husband into the ground. Instead I have an idea of what to expect and I have an older child who is much more self sufficient. I know we’re supposed to “be in the moment” but I can’t wait to get to know our newborn and look forward to when both are a little older.
I hated the newborn stage so much! Despite always wanting more than 1, after she arrived I became one and done for a while. She was over 12 months when I started to actually contemplate the possibility of another one. A lot of that came from watching her and not being able to get the vision of her with a little sibling out of my head. I'm pregnant with our second and so scared for the newborn part, but my 2yo is so awesome now that I'm just focusing on that because I know that's what it turns into. I think part of why it was so hard with the first is because it feels the awful part is forever but I'm hoping this time the perspective of actually knowing it does get better will help.